#just some time where we feel GOOD. really GENUINELY good. not fake good. not masking. REAL good. REAL joy.

[thr4shit]

sighhhhhh this beautiful sound

this shit's how we've been feeling. like the instruments, that floaty numb cold feeling but still PAINFULLY borderline aware but unable to like yknow ENJOY?

all we've got left is media. and even that's starting to stop doing anything.

but what the fuck can we do, yknow?

each time this happens it's just so god awful.

and it just keeps happening, over and over and over, with less and less breaks between.

what if one day I can't get out of it?

what if one day we're just stuck numb and cold forever?

what if one day all we'll feel is this numbness and the sadness and the rage?

what then? will anyone be there?

will anyone care?

will we just be alone?

why would we stick around then, huh?

we're already basically friendless.

who's gonna wanna be friends when we have no personality, hell, no existence or REALITY left?

who's gonna wanna be in our fucking vicinity when we're nothing anymore?

that feeling like drowning.

we're ALWAYS drowning.

just brought up for air to get plunged back into the ice cold water for another round.

how long until we don't get brought back up?

[crazylittlejester]

i don’t know if this is something Jojo is doing on purpose, or if it was an intentional detail but i grabbed and ran away with it, or if I’ve just completely read far to into things and entered the realm of just making shit up, but Warriors and his little crooked smile are so GODDAMN important to me and I am shaking him like a squeak toy (gently)

(big yap/analysis under the cut)

disclaimer, i just have a lot of thoughts, probably way too many thoughts, and 97% of them are about Wars so I might be insane, and what you’re about to read provided you’ve stuck around so far might be the equivalent of your high school english teacher yelling with tears in their eyes about how the curtains were blue to “symbolize her sadness”. also my apologies for weird spelling mistakes or oddly misspelled words, i am dyslexic 💔 but with that being said:

Warriors to me comes off as someone who’s constantly acting larger than life. He masks a LOT in front of the chain, he acts overdramatic and a bit ridiculous on purpose, and to an extent he just is a bit ridiculous, but his reactions to things are sometimes blow way out of proportion or are just larger than life in a comedic way where it just seems like he’s doing it intentionally. He comes across as a very extroverted, talkative person, and he seems like he’d honestly be a bit loud too (whether that’s who is REALLY is or what he’s REALLY like is a yap for another post). His (physical) image and the way his character/personality is perceived by others both seem like things that are not his CORE values or the things that mean the most to him, but they do seem to be at least a LITTLE bit important to him just based on how he presents himself and the way he acts. And to an extent, the whole thing with him caring so much about his looks is canon in LU, with that one sketch of him and Legend where he’s looking at his eye in a reflection of a shield and Legend says “alright break it up you two” being the first thing that comes to mind (which is in the post “Mirror Shield”, click the name for the link)

To me, from what I’ve seen and from my perspective, there are very few times we see an actual genuine smile from Warriors, and when we do it tends to be in moments where he’s not in the spotlight, he’s not trying to command the center of attention, and/or the focus is NOT on him. It tends to be moments where he just seems genuinely happy or at peace, and those seem pretty rare. He smiles a LOT, but the majority of his smiles seem big and flashy and performative, and not that that means he’s not happy AT ALL in any of those moments, but those smiles seem a lot more controlled and closely managed because he’s aware of the attention on him and therefore thinking about how he’s perceived. (I’ve made some posts in the past and I’ll probably make others in the future about how I think Warriors puts on this “Captain” or “Hero of Hyrule” persona because of how an entire war was started because a sorceress found him beautiful, and how he feels like him being just him isn’t really good enough for that and how he feels like he needs to fit in and look/act/seem like the legendary heroes he’s being compared to. He’s created this idea of what he COULD be and that’s what he presents to others, fake it till you make it and all that, but thats another yap for another day)

However there are these little moments where we see him smile, and the same one side of his mouth is pretty consistently always just a little bit higher no matter which way his head is facing (here’s a few examples):

@/linkeduniverse, from the 2023 monthly art, “January- Cold Sunrise”

@/linkeduniverse, both from “Dawn pt. 2”

And the thing that really started this whole headcanon of mine that his REAL smile is crooked was this specific part of Dawn pt. 2 where Warriors sees that Twilight is gonna be find for the first time after most likely worrying about him and being up all night:

That middle panel, to me at least, is probably the most genuine expression of a positive emotion we’ve seen from him this entire time. No one’s focus is on him, no one’s really looking at him, he doesn’t have the pressure of being the center of attention on him, and honestly even if that WERE the case, the genuine relief that hit him once he was Twilight was gonna be okay probably would’ve been enough to get a genuine smile out of him anyways. But the second he walks into the room officially, he kinda, for lack of a better way to put it, announces his presence and starts “acting” again (also from Dawn pt 2):

And while that same one side of his mouth does seem a bit higher and not very straight, it’s definitely more even than it was just five seconds previously

Now, acknowledging there is an art style, and that I also just might be insane, but Warriors’s smiles for the most part (when they seem controlled) appear to be a Lot straighter and more even to me than when it’s a more genuine moment and he doesn’t seem like he’s “acting” so much (and just a note: it certainly isn’t EVERY time, but in general, in moments like these his smile seems consistently straighter unless he’s just flat out smirking. and im not saying it’s PERFECTLY straight either, just noticeably more even). When he’s being more dramatic or intentionally obnoxious or the attention is on him, it really does feel like his smile is more controlled: here are just a few examples, obviously this isn’t every single time he’s smiled in all of LU

@/linkeduniverse, from “Swords”

@/linkeduniverse, from “Shady Escape pt 2”

@/linkeduniverse, from “Divine Dark Reflections pt. 8”

@/linkeduniverse, both from “Magic Sword”

am i looking too far into a little thing? probably. am i insane? yeah. but i just really love the idea that when Warriors is truly, genuinely happy, the part of himself that he tries to hide, the sweet and caring person he hides underneath all the dramatics, that true self he’s probably kept hidden away since the start of the war who’s been buried under insecurity and hidden because of the fear that who he is just isnt ENOUGH peaks through, and that person comes out through his happiness in the form of his smile. and yeah it does probably mean nothing and Jojo might not have done any of this on purpose, but i’m crazy, and Warriors’s crooked little smile is so so important to me *insert image of a guy crying face down on the floor because unfortunately i’ve hit the image limit*

[writerblue275]

How the Heartsteel members would take care of a sick/injured S/O.

Inspiration: Extremely self-serving, but I don’t care. I’m currently in the midst of a chronic illness episode. For me that involves an ungodly headache that can last for straight days, if not weeks, and other bs. All because my body can’t handle sodium 😭. If I don’t do something to distract myself, I’m going to cry, and I’d rather not do that, so here we gooooo.

Genre: Headcanon

Type: Fluff (very very slight angst in the concept [if you squint] just because you don’t feel good).

Gender: Gender Neutral Reader

Tw: None! This is pure fluff. 🥰

Aphelios

Aphelios would actually be a great caretaker.

I think a lot of this comes from an excellent example. We know Alune took care of Aphelios when he was injured/after his surgeries. Since he was the recipient of her wonderful care, he knows what to do.

Extremely prepared. He’ll work from your place as much as possible so he can be close by (he has that little mobile keyboard set up shown in his “what’s in my bag” pic). Excellent at running out to grab supplies/medication (I feel like he has an excellent memory so you just need to tell/show him something once). Also phenomenal at making sure you take your meds on schedule and changing any dressings/wraps.

If for some reason an extra set of hands is needed or Phel needs further advice on how to best care for you, you know who he’s texting? Alune! She is happy to help however she can because you’re her friend too and she hates knowing you’re sick/in pain.

I feel like Phel’s immune system is pretty strong so even if you were contagious, he’d cuddle you. If he was really worried, there’s always his mask. (Makes my public health heart sing.) He has many extras so you can snag one too in order to be doubly safe. You get those healing cuddles!

Ezreal

This is where Ezreal’s typical golden retriever energy is extra useful!!

Like genuinely I think Ez is a really really sweet “nurse” and will do an excellent job of taking care of you. Or at the very least, he’s great at distracting you and making you smile so you don’t feel as shitty/in pain.

I can’t see Ez cooking tbh (mood), but he is more than happy to order delivery/run to grab whatever carry out whenever you want it. If he can’t do it because he needs to stay with you for some reason, he’s texting Alune and the boys and practically begging them to help him out. (One of them always does. They love you and want you to heal.)

Also happy to run out to grab whatever supplies you need. This sweet green bean is so eager to help you heal that not only will he grab what you ask for, he’ll also grab other things that you might not need. He’s of the mindset it’s better to be overprepared rather than underprepared.

I can’t see Ezreal wanting to cuddle if you’re contagious, tbh, which is fair, but he’ll definitely make sure you have all the blankets and pillows you need. He will sit near-ish to you though and hold your hand. And if you’re not contagious? Oh he’s clinging to you as much as you want him to.

Kayn

Ok…so…this isn’t Kayn’s specialty as a partner, let’s be honest here.

Kayn is an amazing partner in so many other ways, but he’s not exactly...naturally nurturing? BUT that doesn’t mean he’s not going to try. He knows you need him, so he’s really going to put in a lot of effort to try and take care of you as best he can. (This secretly sweet rockstar!)

Kayn might fake grumble about it, but he will definitely go out and get whatever supplies you need. You may need to take a picture of a label/find one on the internet but he’s got you! (“Baby, there are so many CHOICES. How do I know which is the right one? I don’t want to get something you don’t need!”)

The first time you were sick/injured and he was with you, he texted the HS group chat for advice on how to take care of you and shocked everyone. (That was the moment the rest of HS knew Kayn was really head over heels for you. 🥹 <- Their faces as they read the texts.)

One thing I cannot see him doing is cuddling you when you’re sick (unless you’re not contagious). He doesn’t want to get sick himself. He will tuck you in and give you surprisingly soft forehead kisses though. He says they’re to check your temp but you know they’re to show he cares.

K’Sante

K’Sante is another member who just gives off such excellent and caring vibes. He has to come from a big, close-knit family, because he gives eldest brother vibes through and through.

Because of this, he’s perfect at taking care of you when you’re sick or injured. He’s done the same thing for his siblings/cousins many times.

Even though Sett is officially the best cook, I still fully believe K’Sante can throw down in the kitchen. Whenever possible, he’s making everything from scratch for you. You deserve it, after all. His meals alone will have you starting to feel way better.

He is fully stocked on OTC meds, ice packs, bandages, whatever you need. As a gym bro, K’Sante can get pretty sore, so he’s already got that stuff around for himself. Also, anything you need picked up, he’s got that taken care of.

As the eldest who took care of his younger family members, K’Sante’s immune system is PREPARED. Unless it is before a really big event, he would be fine cuddling you, even if you’re contagious. If it is close to a big event then he’s understandably a little more hesitant (he does have obligations to HS) but he’ll still be nearish to you and hold your hand so you know he’s there.

Sett

Ooooooh baby this is Sett’s time to fucking SHINE.

He was raised by his incredible Ma! Like of course Sett’s going to be really fucking good at taking care of you. (He already does an excellent job of doing that when you’re not sick/injured.)

We know he’s the best cook in the group so homemade soup/whatever comfort food you want/need you will have and it will be delicious. Really good about reminding you to take any meds you need to (he sets a reminder in his phone). Also fully stocked on OTC meds, medical wraps, ice packs, etc. Like he is PREPARED. (Perks of loving a gym bro.)

Happy to give you cuddles if that will help. I feel like Sett is another member that has an immune system of steel, so even if you’re sick, he’s still cuddling you if you want him to. (You definitely do like 95% of the time because how could you not?? Sett cuddles sound fucking elite!)

Worst-case scenario and you get sick while he’s traveling? He makes sure you are in the very best hands possible and sends in the big guns. That’s right, he has Ma come over to check on you/stay with you if need be (which she is happy to do because she adores you and loves how happy you make her son).

Yone

I think Yone would be a phenomenal “nurse!”

He might come across as cold/intimidating to those who don’t know him, but you always bring the soft side of him out. That’s totally applicable when you’re sick. Sweet Yone incoming!!

He cared for his younger brother Yasuo when he was sick or injured, so he is well versed in what supplies are useful for a multitude of ailments. Is well stocked on all of it too. If for some reason you need something and he doesn’t have it, he’s remedying that ASAP.

I’ve been thinking about whether or not Yone cooks. My gut says not really besides breakfast food. While he’s not going to make you homemade soup/your comfort food, you bet he’s asking Sett or K’Sante to make some for you. (They’re happy to do so. You keep your their producer sane. Helping you is self-preservation 😂.)

While he’s likely been injured many times, I feel like this beautiful motherfucker (affectionate!!) has never been ill a day in his life. His immune system is just that strong. Whatever the issue, he is down to give you whatever cuddles you desire. (I’m bringing back my headcanon of cuddly Yone and NO ONE CAN STOP ME 😋.) Enjoy the forehead kisses and sweet little verbal check-ins.

[swifty-fox]

MOTA Hockey AU, so tell me about Buck and Bucky's first kiss! Or when they realize they're gonna date :D

OOO okay well this may be subject to change once i start writing (I dont control the characters they control me)

but I think that Bucky kinda makes a real ass of himself at first (SHOCKING)

As i've said, Gale kinda corners Bucky for a quick n dirty long before they're even friends and once they're in the same team Bucky is relentless in his teasing of Buck about it (in situations where he doesnt risk outing him) he's also REAL interested in that happening again please and thank you. Big Buck is pretty much like 'fuck off and fuck you (not sexy' for much of it.

Because it's a new team they do a lottery system for rooming together when traveling in hotels and Buck and Bucky by some weird twist of fate (author loving cliches) they draw straws to room together at least for the first season. This creates a lot of negative tension just due to their different game-day rituals as i went into but also because Bucky continues to hit on gale and try to tempt him into bed. It kinda has the opposite effect and kinda scares the fuck out of Buck and it kinda all comes to a head where a bit too drunk Bucky's trying all his moves in the book and he's kinda got Buck semi cornered in the room and while he isn't doing anything past the line of consent he DOES finally fucking realize "oh this isnt Gale playing a game or playing hard to get I am genuinely making him uncomfortable"

Cue him feeling awful. Cue him going to Curt to be like 'uh i really fucked up bad'

Cue curt threatening to knock Bucky's fake teeth in if he doesn't apologize and leave that boy alone because what the fuck Bucky.

and Bucky's a good guy he is and he genuinely feels so bad and slimy because he's like a dog with a bone and he let it go to far so next time he and Gale are in the hotel room he apologizes with his whole chest and promises he's done. "No more hitting on you. We're teammates and that's it. On my Ma's grave."

And Bucky keeps his word! He stops with the flirtation (past general hockey flirting you see between teammates) he stops propositioning him. He stops turning his music up louder during pre-game prep every time he sees Gale twitch with annoyance. And I think when he gives Gale that space he does the best thing he could have done and gives Gale the opportunity to actually know John. To work with him and bond with him and they start creating a really beautiful friendship out of it.

I think fast forward to their second year playing together. It's not a playoff game, the're well off from that but it has been an unusually rough game. Curt was ejected for a dirty hit and then mouthing off to the ref, Croz got pulled from second line to fill in Curts spot and he's honestly doing better than people expected but he doesnt play with Rosie and Buck usually and it's showing.

Buck lost a tooth after a nasty high-stick and his jaw is going to be BRUISED tomorrow. Both their first line D-men are down with injury so it's the rookies. They're fighting for their LIVES and man they somehow manage to eek out that win and it's just exhilerating. Buck and Bucky are in the middle of the celly pile and their masks are pressed together and they're just grinning and staring into eachothers eyes.

Later they're the last two in the locker room and Gale grabs John and pushes him against the wall in the deepest most passionate kiss that John literally almost goes weak at the knees. He's never been kissed like that before in his life.

I don't think after that they have like a "we are boyfriends" conversation. But they do end up together. They're rooming together at that point full time and slowly but surely Gale just starts spending every night in John's bed

[distant-velleity]

fake

The party's not over yet, you know?

A/N: Yu angst time (again)! Thiiiis one is a little worse than the other GloMas drabble imo but--fuck it we ball. I love ruining his life. Enjoy <33

taglist: @thehollowwriter @theleechyskrunkly @casp1an-sea @elenauaurs @skriblee-ksk

~

The ballroom is too loud. Too overwhelming. Thankfully, the nighttime air looks cold enough—he goes to take a walk. 

Or tries to.

“Where are you going, ▮▮▮▮▮▮?”

That’s not his name. He knows that’s not his name. He doesn’t know whose name it is, but they definitely have the wrong person.

(Surely.)

He turns around, and sees the people he’d started to tentatively consider friends or at least acquaintances. Deuce, Epel, Riddle, Sebek. Azul. Jamil. Ruggie. Silver. Rook. Idia. Yue’er. Everyone who he’d gone on the NBC trip with.

It must be a lucky day if they all want something to do with him. Or maybe there’s something wrong and they need his help for some reason?

He makes to take off his mask, so that he can talk properly with them. It doesn’t budge.

It… doesn’t budge?

Why can’t he take it off? He can barely breathe. They’re talking to him and he can barely breathe. He can’t even correct them now, can’t say that they have the wrong person. 

(A thought hits him. Hey, wouldn’t it be hilarious if it turned out they don’t care enough to remember his name?)

Someone extends a hand to him.

“The party’s hardly over yet. Don’t you want to share a dance, ▮▮▮▮▮▮?”

“Yeah, no thanks.” That isn’t his voice. That’s not his voice, and these aren’t his words. Why— “Wouldn’t you want to dance with that other friend of yours? Yuhua.”

The name slips out before he realizes it.

Like a switch has been flipped, they start muttering.

“You can stop being coy, you know…”

“Yeah, we’d rather have you around than Yuhua.”

“He’s a little too…”

“Isn’t he ever going to take the hint?”

“It’s not like we actually need him…”

“I don’t know how to break it to him…”

Oh.

The smile remains on his mask of a face, but his heart sinks. His chest tightens.

So that’s how it is. 

That’s how they really feel about him. Is it about him? He doesn’t know who he is anymore. This mask is as good as “him,” surely. It’s easier, like this. He doesn’t want to be that other person, anyway. 

(What a fool.)

Yes, they like him better like this. 

(At what cost?)

His face burns, but his smile doesn’t waver.

(He wants to cry.)

“I… see. Let’s dance, then.”

They smile back at him, more genuine than he’s ever seen them before. Lightheaded, he takes someone’s hand—

Yuhua wakes up before that scene can continue. He’s already sitting up before he knows it. Sweat mats his hair and sticks his bangs to his forehead. He can’t breathe right, chest heaving and heart racing from… from whatever the hell that was. 

A dream. Yeah. It was just a dream…! Nothing more. That would never happen to him. Right? They’d at least have the sense to find a different person… before talking behind his back… right…?

Ugh. It hurts just thinking about it. Yuhua sighs and wipes away his already-drying tears. 

It’s probably just the stress of the last few days getting to him. This is only his first night back in Ramshackle after coming back from the whole firelotus debacle, anyway. 

It was just a dream, he reminds himself again. There won’t be any more of them, and they can’t hurt you.

Still, he can’t fall back asleep.

[johnny-chaos]

Gordon is notably characterized by his obnoxious and deeply uncool behavior but he's also defined by an incredible earnestness and desire for things to be taken seriously . And Benrey, on the other hand, is obnoxious too but for the exact opposite reasons-- devaluing things that, by Gordon's standards, should be taken seriously (such as murder) while playing up the absurdity and inconsistent application of rules in general (and also acting like a fucking third grader).

In that way the two of them have a lot in common, but with that one major caveat of seriousness . Really, they're both pretty earnest, and they both just wanna make jokes n have fun-- Gordon wants to be a justin.tv streamer and he talks to himself like an anime protagonist (GORDON SPRINT!!) and Benrey's whole thing is having his day ruined bc he couldn't play games with his friends . But Benrey also knows treating the game like it's real is idiotic, while Gordon can't help but treat it as if it were (and Scorpy Socpens n Wayne R. TV use this for some extremely good comedy).

In addition to THAT, you have Coomer, who, over the course of the webseries, realizes his life is a lie and his world is fake - subsequently becoming more lucid, serious, and aloof. His character arc brings up the question of What Does It Truly Mean, To Be Alive? (a tried and true story point !) They're all functioning on different understandings of their world-- they all understand nothing matters, but Coomer is just now realizing, and Benrey's always known it, and Gordon method acts so hard that he almost forgets it.

With that context HLVRAI becomes an argument on existential nihilism -- Coomer presents the question "nothing is real so is living this life valuable?" and Benry's response is essentially "no- if nothing matters then why care ? Do whatever you want forever ." And Gordon's is "of COURSE it's valuable, fuck you, this may not matter but I can care and try and hope and LIVE, BABY!!! leave me and my magmar plush OUTTA THIS!!" Quite a 4chan vs Tumblr argume(I am shot and killed)

But even though I describe Gordon as v earnest and sincere, it's not enitrely accurate, bc while he has a lot of Genuine Expressions of Emotion, he also seems to use anger to mask laughter ("if i had a knife i would gut you" said with an audible smile). Makes him seem less genuine and more like he's playing up the reactivity, but you still get a rly potent feeling that these are people he enjoys being around, and I'm sure that's also just Wayne R. TV playing gmod with his friends bleeding through .

Coomer's obviously the MOST sincere, he has literally the only lines that are SUPPOSED to be taken seriously. And Benrey may not be very sincere, but he IS (in Wayne R TV's words) the most sentimental, which is REALLY weird. He's constantly talking bullshit, but Scorpy Socpens still gives him these moments where it seems like he might actually care ("we should turn back.. we're going further . into HELL" and "why are we here? ..what happened to your arm?!") LIKE!! he and the others are all entertainers, they're all supposed to make you laugh (except for Dr. Coomer at one point), but Benrey especially, as he's this manifestation of insincerity and irony and absurdity--and yet?? some semblance of motivation??

If hlvrai is an argument on nihilism, then it's ALSO about how what makes life worth living is the people around you actually . Because of benrey's "nothing matters" mentality he gains Gordon's ire and subsequently becomes the antagonist as his stupid shenanigans are reframed as actively hindering the group (even though yeah EVERYONE gets in the way of everything all the time). Thus he becomes the Big Bad even though he's really just, not cut out for it . he knows his actions don't have meaningful consequences, but that sentimentality inevitably slips out, and yeah, his whole purpose is to be funny. you can't be funny to yourself now that's just embarrassing. he has the powers to shapeshift and time travel but he only does it when it's relevant to Gordon. i am constantly thinking about how he says "it replenishes your electronics" in this calm, mellow voice like he's got nothing to worry about and is just enjoying the moment . he just wants to play games with people, man!!!

and even though Gordon is so SO fucking uncool, he's allowed to be because he actually gives a shit!! even though they're both annoying, Benrey is the one who becomes the villain because of how detached he is. Gordon can stumble over his words and be clumsy as hell but he cares so deeply-- about the others, about putting on a show-- that his embarrassing attempts at being the hotshot hero of the story don't detract from his value. yeah this world isn't real but my friends are. yeah nothing matters but we can still try to help each other out. you are supposed to care!!! bitch

[ruminate88]

Adore You: But they only push you away ❤️‍🩹

12/16/24 When that toxic ex is bored of you

These Harry Styles lyrics are exactly how it feels when you believe you’re falling in love with your toxic ex:

“Oh, honey (ah) I'd walk through fire for you Just let me adore you Like it's the only thing I'll ever do Like it's the only thing I'll ever do”

However, despite the feelings of, “Oh, if he would just accept my love… just be himself, flaws and all….” 🥴😝 Sadly it’s not like that!! See, they’ve carefully crafted a mask to wear for you. They’re showing you what they want you to see but the mask has holes. They sometimes leak and show you small details that always disrupt the peace but the longer you stay even after little previews of the truth, the more they push you away and disrespect you.

When you first meet them, everything seems to be normal. Just flirting. It’s exciting but you don’t know them and you’re just trying to “get to know them” but you find it difficult to really get a good feel of who they are. It drove me to Google my exes like craaaaazy. Turns out they have a whole separate mask on social media. Now you are trying to fit what they’re saying to you along with their social media but again, there’s holes in the mask. It’s not a perfect disguise and not everyone is a good liar. (Just saying)

At some point they give you a bit of a sad/backstory to where they’ve come from but again, they tell you what they think they need to in order to get you to believe them. Obviously they’ve come from a rough place growing up but they twist it to whomever they’re talking to. Well, at some point my recent ex has me believing he doesn’t feel good enough for his parents which is so sad to me plus he’s crying he’s unworthy of me too… he’s manipulating me but I’m not understanding it. I then feel I have to “love and adore him harder” in order to make him feel “good enough”. I mean, I’m professing my undying love to him. I’m selling myself out to him and my whole entire world and emotions are dominated by him!! 😓

Unfortunately this made him bored of me (after months of me being obsessed with him) and it made him more abusive. He can only become irritated at me because it’s too easy and my love must be fake and stupid. No one would love the monster he is and no one would be so open and real with him. I stayed even when he dumped all his stress on me and made me feel responsible for his fears and insecurities! 😨❤️‍🩹 I even gave him the opportunity to explain himself and fight for me when I caught him cheating… Surly, I must be so stupid and ignorant. I must be so blind. He’s abusing me and yet I tell him how much I love him and want the best for him… Yeah, I’m the weak one.

At the end of it all, I felt my ex not only hated my guts with a deep passion, I felt he wanted to push me away but keep me close enough in case he did need more validation or attention from me!! Even though he was bored of me and I was “too easy”, he still wanted me to praise him at the same time. Though bro found out he don’t get that from me. No, bro found out I’m willing to block his number and walk away because you don’t get to hate me AND keep me on your shelf of prizes too. I wasn’t your prize to win anyhow. He saw me as a flex while I saw him as a human with feelings. I genuinely loved bro as much or more than myself. Something he’s never understood or been able to comprehend. I’m sorry about that too ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I learned overtime that some people you can only love and adore from a safe distance 🥺😟 Doesn’t mean I’m stupid or weak. He wouldn’t change even when he made me 100 promises to show up for me. Either he’s just not capable of it or doesn’t take me seriously. Doesn’t matter what his side of the story is at this point. He fumbled. He had someone who looked beyond everything trying to see good in him and give him love he don’t even deserve. No one deserves such a love not even me. Yet love can be free and beautiful if we just believe in it and appreciate it. Now I can see some of his true colors but they don’t scare me. They only make me care about his pain more but I can’t trust him for it. Of course I have to block his number. As the mask slipped and then eventually came off, there was no turning back and so…. He had to finish me off. He had to do everything in his power to destroy me and our relationship. ❤️‍🩹

He pushed me off the edge till I went dark and angry. I told him off in a voicemail. I yelled and screamed. I kicked the wall and I cried so hard. I had never been so angry or so hurt. Thanks to him, I showed the ugliest part of me. I had never treated anyone that way…. Only he could bring the worst out in me. 😣 Only he could make me hate myself and make me want to fall into the abyss. He showed me how much love can hurt.

[muninnhuginn]

for the ask game, spy x family 🕶💣

Sorry for the delay! I got ambushed by rl and then ambushed myself for several more days and-- anyway, I had to put this under the cut because it got long. Thanks for asking!

my favorite female character

yor yor yor. I like her for a few reasons, but I think the main thing is just generally her main emotional arc thus far. how she wants to 'belong' but how she also needs to 'fit in' and how it also circles around the idea of normality. she thinks she wants to be normal when what she wants is to be accepted. and she knows she needs to be *seen* as normal for safety reasons (sth sth societal commentary even outside of the cold war backdrop) but she doesn't understand *how*. what does it mean to be a mother and to be a wife and what aspects of that does she want to fulfill for herself and which is she just doing because it's part of her cover.

she has all these needs and wants and hasn't yet figured out how to even begin untangling them. and despite that, she's still one of the most emotionally intelligent characters in the series.

my favorite male character

loid. he's the obvious option but still. I always tend to appreciate the anxious types and whilst technically all of the main three have their own little anxiety spirals, loid's way of overcomplicating things is my favourite. he's a very intriguing mix of anxiety, denial, and competence.

I am very much enjoying the length of time it's taking to wear him down. we only got full confirmation he's actively compromised as of the mole arc which is super recent but for me the pacing is just right. he has to earn that character development and be dragged through kicking and screaming.

my favorite book/season/etc

volume 10 (starts with [redacted] arc and has some good handler moments (though I *think* my favourite handler chapter is later on))

my favorite episode (if its a tv show)

genuinely not sure. I do think the very first episode has a really good mix of comedy and earnestness with a hint of the underlying tragedy in growing up during wartime. it spells out everything to expect down the line in a very nicely balanced way

my favorite cast member

I... don't know? I think for Yor's VA this is my favourite role of hers whilst Anya's VA I prefer most as Frieren but like. IDK tbh. Can I skip?

my favorite ship

Not super into shipping in this fandom, but overall, I'd say twiyor. the fact that it's a 'fake' relationship but they enter into it on honest enough terms that they actually make something really healthy for both of them out of it. they each mutually get something out of it too.

yor wants to be useful. she's grown up providing for yuri and now he's gone all she has left is her job, but this 'relationship' and her new family give her the opportunity to *do* something. to defend and protect her people. and to give her someone to confide in, where she's never had that before.

for twilight, he's always been planning and preparing for all possibilities. always acting, never letting anyone see what's beneath, until he had forgotten even himself. one of my fave twiyor moments was in the recent chapter where twilight gets home and immediately his legs give out, because he feels *safe*. he's let his guard down with yor and even if he's worried about being compromised, he let it down because he trusts in her character. the remedy for someone so full of masks is someone devoid of them, and for all that yor is the thorn princess, she has never faked *who* she is.

and tying back to what I was saying about yor and normality before. the fact that loid knows what it's like to pretend means that he's in the position to tell yor that she's good as she is. she doesn't *need* to fake her whole personality to fit in. sure, they both have their covers, but for the large part, what's beneath is genuine.

a character I’d die defending

I think nightfall's character may not be as developed as most people would like at this stage, but the way she's written is very deliberate. she's a compare/contrast with yuri (and also to some extent, with twilight) and she shows how love and obsession intertwine. how *obsession* can be dangerous. the mole arc to me is waving a big red flag above nightfall's head and saying that if she doesn't change something, if she keeps metaphorically diving headfirst in front of twilight, then she's going to end up the one riddled with bullets.

a character I just can’t sympathize with

not that we're likely supposed to but donovan desmond

a character I grew to love

handler! it's not that I ever disliked her as such, but for a long time she just seemed a kind of girlboss-esque character with a neat character design. she had her moments (bond arc speech and also propaganda chapter my beloved), but it wasn't until we had her focus chapter where we followed her day that I was like "oh." Like, I knew that she'd lost her family, but I was falling for the facade that she was on top of everything. And the realisation that she wasn't? That she was deep in depression, but you know who might dig her out of it? Her pet dog and a little girl. Definitely got to me.

my anti otp

anti otp is a bit strong a feeling for it, but I think the way I read damianya differs from a decent chunk of the fandom. I tend to see it as one-sided and am perfectly happy for it to stay that way or for them to just end up becoming better friends down the line, but I know what I'm against here so I'm not going to place any bets.

[dailyoyo]

Non Exhaustive list of claims me and pseud havemade about yoyo. do we even believe all of these things in our headcanons? Good quaestion

yoyo once ran a "cringe art" blog very briefly but all he put on it was his own childhood art, without specifying it was his?

yoyo has a bucket list which includes things like "convince a straight person they're actually closeted gay" and "commit perjury"

yoyo likes to follow tutorials its enriching for him

yoyo has his own pirate radio station that roboy helps him run under the moniker of "Undergraduate C". he plays nothing but meme shit and stuff that is straight up unlistenable

yoyo thinks he is a hollow shell of a person with masks upon masks where an identity should be

yoyo, if asked if he thinks people can be born evil, will answer "lol yeah, because i was!" it's hard to say if he's being ironic or not

yoyo would die if he went to the house on ash tree lane because he would do goofy tricks in the hallway and grind down the spiral staircase only to fall off and careen into the abyss

paradox!yoyo is shorter than yoyo's official canon height because it's disturbing for yoyo to only be an inch smaller than me

yoyo just gets real scared when he smokes weed. but this doesnt stop him?

yoyo is a prolific trollfic author with unreadable writings under dozens of pseudonyms for dozens of fandoms

yoyo had a brief stint as a member of poison jam under a different name and identity but he got booted out for consistently ruining movie night with his intentionally frustrating mockbuster choices

yoyo has attempted to join every single gang in tokyo-to and the ggs were his last pick

yoyo eventually picks up it/its pronouns in a mental illness kind of way

yoyo is worse at video games than pots is

yoyo would be really good at among us except everyone just automatically votes him imposter by default so he cant even play properly

yoyo regrets nothing

paradox!yoyo, if confronted with an alternate universe version of himself, would immediately tell them to kill themself

yoyo would honestly probably be a lot less fucked in the head once he's PAST THE DIRE AGE OF SIXTEEN YEARS OLD

yoyo has like one of those bootleg-ass 52-in-one fake game consoles. bastion of his childhood

yoyo often gets mistaken for being younger than he is and this is something he actively weaponizes

yoyo makes up a new backstory every time you ask where he's from

yoyo accepted at the tender age of 12 that he does not have a future and so he should just fuck around as much as possible since hes like doomed anyway

yoyo's hoodie is actually embroidered, which he did himself by hand

yoyo has a lot of really strong feelings about art in all its myriad of forms but good luck getting him to talk about it genuinely instead of saying some dumb bullshit

yoyo made a lot of jokes about himself being super suspicious and Totally Not A Rival Gang Spy Who's Gonna Betray The GGs when he joined because he thought it was funny. the only reason he was allowed to be in the gang at all despite this is because he made such a poor showing trying to prove himself to corn gum and roboy that they were internally like "if we turn him away i think he's going to straight up die out there."

[sapphire-weapon]

In your opinion, is the laugh from Leon at the end of the Ada and Leon encounter in the castle one of amusement, or more like frustration? People seem to interpret it as him being charmed by her which has lead to some butting of heads. I'm not really sure how to take it myself, but I feel like there's some lingering attachment there mixed with a lot of frustration... y'know, with her whole elusive, never explaining herself thing. Gets a little old for him, maybe.

I know you personally interpret Leon as being done with her shit, but I still wanted to know what you thought!

I think that "charmed" is a good word, but I don't think that people are using it the way that it should be used in that context. Leon isn't "charmed" by her in the sense that he just fell in love with her all over again; Leon is "charmed" by her in the sense that he found that particular interaction endearing.

I've seen people make the argument that Leon didn't actually know that Ada was alive until that very moment of reuniting in the castle, and he's just become so incredibly good at masking his emotions that it catches her off guard -- but I don't agree with that interpretation. For him to be so shocked at Krauser's introduction kind of disproves that theory, because -- remember, Krauser didn't even fake his death in this version of the story. And Leon is still so surprised to see him.

The way I interpreted their reunion was that Leon has seen unconfirmed reports of someone matching Ada's description running around doing shady shit in bioterror situations -- maybe even on missions he's personally run (RE4 was OG Leon's first federal mission but not Remake Leon's first federal mission; he's been doing this shit for a while already) -- so he's already been through the "what the... Ada???? I thought that bitch was fuckin dead!" (kudos to whoever gets that reference) song and dance in his head. But there was no hard and fast evidence that it actually was her -- until she finally tries to hold him up in the castle, and it all clicks into place as "confirmed" for him.

So, I think the smirk/pseudo-laugh following their reunion is born from a few different places:

Leon is genuinely happy to learn that she is, in fact, still alive. Being able to see her and confirm it with his own eyes was probably such a relief for him.

He's probably feeling at least a little bit smug that he was right about the aforementioned reports. So, not only was it relieving to know she's okay, it feels good to find that he was right.

She's not even trying to put up a front for him this time; he actually got to see and talk to the real Ada for perhaps the very first time ever (at least, in his mind; we as the audience know that Ada was being genuine with him at several different points in RE2, but Leon has no way of knowing that, himself). It's probably endearing for him to actually see her as her true self for a change.

The way that she exits the conversation (through the window after a tongue-in-cheek offering of sex??? LMAO) is so extra and over the top and so very Ada. It was very likely a very endearing "some things never change" moment for him.

I genuinely believe that their reunion was a feel-good moment for Leon for all four of those reasons -- and all of that can be true with it also being true that he's not willing to put up with her bullshit anymore.

The two of them don't speak again until the radio transmission where Ada tells Leon that she saw Verdugo carrying Ashley to the throne room. A lot happens between those two points (including "the fall [in love]" moment between him and Ashley, which, when juxtaposed beside the way that he fell for Ada, is striking in its contrast) and a lot of time passes in which Leon can let the enormity of his actual emotions re: seeing Ada again sink in -- and it also happens right after Ashley is taken from him, so that's why he snaps off with "I guess you're not completely heartless" in that conversation. (He's also probably still butthurt about the "leave the girl" remark, too, which only makes his reaction more volatile.)

And that kind of sets the tone for their interactions/relationship for the entire rest of the game. Leon cares about Ada (because lbr he cares about everyone), he's happy and relieved that she's alive and okay, and he's glad to see her again if only just for closure's sake -- but he's done with her shit, otherwise. He has nothing to prove to her anymore, he doesn't need validation from her anymore, whatever romantic attachments he had to her in RE2 are long-since dead, and he refuses to make the same mistakes twice.

All of these things can be true at the same time. And, in RE4make, they are.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Idea for Princess Bee au:

Marinette realizes Chloe has really grown and changed and worked on her issues bc Chloe apologizes for bullying her for years

Like, after their kids become friends and they've started interacting more Chloe privately goes to her and says 'im sorry I bullied you for years when we were kids. I was taking out my own shit on you and that was horrible. I shouldn't have done that, and I deeply regret it'

Just a simple apology, taking accountability without trying to make excuses, and in private, without Adrien or someone around that Chloe might be secretly trying to impress

Bc like, a lot of how Mari sees Chloe has been colored by their past of being victim and bully. The only times she's seen the genuine good that Audrey tried to abuse out of Chloe were all tied to the Miraculous somehow, either bc of the Bee Miraculous or bc of her being Ladybug, someone Chloe very clearly admired.

It would be easy to look at that and think 'shes only being nice bc she wants to be Queen Bee/she doesn't know I'm someone she bullies under the mask' when in the few months between Chloe's trying to change and Miracle Queen happening that was all she really saw

(something which isn't helped by the meta aspect of 'the Status Quo is God' that the writers religiously stick to. I hate that in shows, where we get episodes of character development that feel like they don't matter bc all the episodes in between ignore that for the sake of sticking to the status quo until the finale happens)

Chloe apologizing for being a bully is something we never got in cannon, and I think it would go a long way to getting through to Marinette that Chloe has genuinely changed for the better over the years since they were kids

Oh yeah like ofc Chloé does apologize and like. There's probably two apology scenes?

One would be a quick thing when they first met again of 'sorry for being a dick I was dealing with a LOT as a kid but ya know got over it', but then yeah a second more in-depth apology somewhere down the line when Chloé's not caught off guard by her presence and knows that she's going to have ongoing long-term interaction with Marinette and the others where she /does/ have to properly own up to All That™ instead of just 'oh we ran into each other so say sorry without unpacking'.

And in between the first and second apology it doesn't fully sink in for Marinette yet. Not out of maliciousness or anything but like

She hasn't properly thought about Chloé in years. Maybe a passing thought but she never analyzed the whole thing. So the Chloé in her memory is the version she knew when she was still a teenager with a very black/white mentality and using that to make leaps in logic toward what Chloé did instead of recognizing her as a complicated person in a hellish situation.

Like, now as a grown adult who can understand things: If she took a step back and looked at what Chloé's situation was, she'd more readily realize the abuse happening and how it affected her, and that some things like 'working for Hawkmoth/Monarch' don't make sense without something else happening. Middle School!Mari just rolled with Chloé being a jerk like her mom and her dad spoiling her but clearly they loved her becuse ofc parents love their kids and clearly someone as bad as Chloé threw away all chance of changing simply because it was too hard to change her perfect life and it was easier to throw a tantrum and join the Villain over not getting handed a reward than it is to earn said reward.

But grown adult!Mari hasn't really taken the step back to really think about that. So the Chloé in her head is just a spoiled brat who refuses to change and betrayed the Team for petty reasons. And that persists for a while because this vision is so solid and she doesn't know the full story that when the current Chloé acts different, she's once again trying to tie the two together and assuming Chloé is just being fake nice.

She catches on eventually, of course. But there's the initial suspicions because of it

And to clarify: I don't mean this in any kind of salty way. It's just hard to see the change in something when the old version so solidly exists in your head

[thegeminisage]

ok, tng update time. i'm quite behind! monday we did "deja q," tuesday we did "a matter of perspective," and then wednesday was "yesterday's enterprise."

deja q: NOT as bad as i feared but still not great. turning q into a human was a fantastic idea because in general it helps facilitate empathy when you see a character suffer, which worked a little on me, and then also i greatly enjoyed seeing him suffer because he was so annoying before, lol. guinan and worf kicking him when he was down were the best <3

another smart choice was to have data be the only one who had any sympathy for him - precisely because data's "feelings" ""can't"" be hurt and he's less likely to hold grudges. also, because data is wonderful and it's easy to get behind his cause of reforming q into some kind of functional being

AND it was good that the first time q felt shame it was because data almost died for his ungrateful fucking ass...correct response

unfortunately i still have many problems. during that section right before data's sacrifice move, all of the goodwill q generated by being fun to laugh at kind of evaporated because he was being annoying

SECONDLY, i have realized the reason i dislike q is because his main two personality traits have aged horribly. firstly is the "randumb~ XD" humor (the mariachi band at the end of this ep, the random napoleon soldiers from the other ep, his various costumes...). i think the only person who could ever do that kind of humor well was robin williams and they didn't cast him as q and also he's dead now, so knock it off. his second personality trait is that he's smarter and more powerful than anybody else in the room which he (and the people writing him) seems to think is a license to be an asshole to them, as long as it is charming assholery. think t*ony st*rk, house, bbc sh*rlock. this of course is a deeply flawed premise to begin with, but he doesn't even do it WELL. nothing about his assholery is charming. specifically i am thinking of all the "worf is dumb because he's a big brutish klingon" jokes, which are for sure fantasy racism and border on ACTUAL racism, because they're derivative of horrible antiblack stereotypes. not that q is the only source of this kind of stuff aimed at worf, but it's really damning that it's ALWAYS the first thing out of his mouth and played for laughs and made his "but worf i'm a klingon at heart too!" bit extra unfunny

anyway, bringing in a SECOND q to praise him for his "selfless" act is eeehh considering one q is already one too many and the act wasn't even that selfless. it would've been better if he said the only reason he was doing it was for data, specifically, so he could stop feeling shame - that's more genuine than trying to get me to believe he'd give himself up for that ship of people even if really what he was mostly doing was committing suicide.

nonetheless i DID really enjoy getting to see data laugh at the end. GOOD for him <3 also lmao, the moon is falling, so true. JUST like majoras mask

a matter of perspective: the one thing i don't understand here is the bit where picard is a horrible painter and then data insults his art. like yes it was funny but i thought it would have something to do with the main plot. riker sees events this way and that lady sees them this way. not unlike in the art room where everyone interpreted the nude model in a different manner!

ALSO, WHY IS THERE A NUDE MODEL. does that woman not live and work on this starship. does she not have to command respect from her coworkers the rest of the time. they didn't even do this in the holodeck where that sort of thing would have made sense!! the one time you WANT the holodeck around...

anyway, i thought this episode veered dangerously close to dud territory. trial drama is fine, even though it begs the question of why no lie detector in tng. holodeck recreation also fine in this instance, as was the murder mystery

but why ON EARTH did they feel the need to show a fake version of riker attempting to rape this lady and then have deanna go well that's the way she remembers it because i sense no dishonesty from her :) this is just the true way each of you remembers it :)

LIKE THERE IS A CANYON OF DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIKER'S VERSION AND THAT LADY'S VERSION. it's not like they can both partially be true. in one instance she flung herself at him despite his clearly being uncomfortable and in the other he forced her despite her asking him to stop!!! like in this case what you do is believe the woman except because riker's our protagonist we know he didn't do it except they never CLARIFY that he didn't do it??? obviously i don't think for a minute that he did, but of all the fucking things to leave open...

anyway i hated it. i actually hated it more than catherine did which may be a first for tng

yesterday's enterprise: TASHA YAR?????????????????????????????

ok, the premise of this was kinda confusing at first, but i don't give a single fuck. TASHA YAR!!!!!!

i was so happy and confused to see her but the more scenes she had...man. like, ok, they did not HAVE to have her make out with this guy. even in death they will not stop doing this to her. but the whole thing where guinan was like your death was meaningless and empty in this timeline so she decides to go back and die in the past instead...GOOD for her

also, i'm a little confused on my canon - i think the battle that other enterprise went back to die in was the one that worf's parents were killed in? which is why he wasn't on the bridge because he fuckin DIED at age 6 or whatever? i guess they must have done enough good to save at least some people??

anyway, ABSOLUTELY adored this one. tasha yar redemption arc. that was the LAST thing i EVER expected to see on tng but here we are. they even made that other captain a woman although lmao in the end they refridged tasha nd this other captain. STILL. if shes gotta die let it be better than the death she got in canon. i'll miss you queen

my one gripe, aside from her boyfriend, is that she and data had a lil scene in the elevator and im mad we could not infer from it whether or not they had fucked in this timeline. rip :(

NEXT TIME: "the offspring" and "sins of the father," which is a normal title that does not at all match the title of a merlin episode i wrote a 130k coda about

[sanriopropaganda]

vent under the cut

ive had two best friends in my life, one from elementary to high school who moved away when we were 14 and we grew apart, and the other i met in my freshman year of college who dropped me for a romantic partner. i haven’t been able to find anyone since.

i have close friends, i even have people i might consider some of my best friends, but those people have their own best friend, and it’s not me. im not apart of a friend group, i mostly just bounce around from hangout to hangout. i interact with people a lot! im friends with a good number of people! i just. don’t have that one person that everyone else seems to.

i thought i had found a good group of girls that could maybe be a friend group since i don’t have one since moving back home. they were already friends, and i met them through a mutual friend that was also fairly new to the group. i was just scrolling on instagram today and i saw that there was a birthday party i wasn’t invited to that i just. had to find out through social media had happened. even the newer person was invited.

and maybe i had overinflated my position, or maybe i saw or felt something that wasn’t mutual, but after being invited to other gatherings and parties with the full group, it hurt! and then i started thinking about how they dont really talk to me outside of those hangouts. and there was a group chat they forgot to add me to (whether or not it was purposeful or not i don’t know). i thought maybe we would talk more as time went on, and ive tried to initiate those conversations, but. it’s never worked out.

and ik no one is obligated to hang out with me, ik no one is obligated to invite me to anything, especially since we haven’t known each other for a full year. but it just sucks bc like. im never anyone’s person. im no one’s best friend. people aren’t really jumping at the chance to be with me. i feel like the same lonely kid i always have been.

and it also just feels like. all for nothing? ive done so much work. i try really hard to be someone people like. i think im personable and nice and funny and people say i come off as confident. i dress nicely, i try to talk to people, i try to be supportive and there for others when they need to vent. ive changed so much. im no longer that shy awkward teen i once was, and thats great! i have my moments bc of social anxiety, but i have done a lot to be someone that people want to be around. and of course i have my flaws and things i try to work on but. it all just feels like it’s for nothing. bc im still that kid that doesn’t have a lunch table to sit at. and i feel like im letting myself down.

but even then i feel like it’s all fake. i don’t know where the real me ends and the mask begins. how much of me being a good person is me? how much of it is what i think other people want to see? i don’t know! but sometimes i think. that mask may slip, and i say something weird, or im a little too loud, or i get too excited and i talk too much, or i get too comfortable and i think someone may like me for me! and they don’t.

and ik the reaction to that may be “well you need to know yourself before you can be loved”. i don’t know if that’s ever going to happen! i truly don’t! ive been mentally ill and lonely my whole life. and they just. feed into each other. idk how to separate the loneliness from myself, I don’t know what it means to not feel like this. but does that mean i don’t deserve to love and be loved? aren’t there other people who have found connections and joy and love while being like me? what is it about me that is so repugnant? i try really hard, i genuinely do, i go to therapy and i only sometimes take my meds but i am genuinely really trying and i dont know why im not getting anywhere. but i want to be better, i really do! even with the depression, and the anxiety, and the bpd, i really do try.

i just want to be someone people genuinely truly like and want to be around. i want to meet people and have them think “wow i want to be her friend”. i want to not get dropped for other people. i want to be someone’s first choice. but im not. i want to have a group of people, and even just one, that i think of and who thinks of me when those silly memes of “me and the girls” pop up.

and sometimes i wonder if im just destined to be alone. it really sucks, but i wish some cosmic entiry or god or something would tell me that that’s just the way i am. and that i should just stop trying bc it’ll never matter anyway. it would make it hurt less. but there is no cosmic entity and there is no god and there is no here’s the life ive always dreamed of i will make it mine. it’s just being alone.

so im stuck. trying and failing and wondering what’s wrong with me. maybe im really not as great at being a person as i thought. maybe i am still just ugly and weird and it eventually shows. but i keep trying because thats all i know how to do. until the cosmic entity or god or whoever shows up and tells me to stop.

i really just want to run away a lot of the time. if i moved to some new city far away then i still wouldn’t have friends but i would have an excuse! but i can’t bc i don’t know how and im scared. im really scared that nothing will ever change and ill die alone. probably by my own hand if it gets much worse. but im scared of that too.

[miamoo27]

Life has been work the past couple day. I feel directionless. I’m doing great at my job but lacking in school and I’m my “professional life.” Right now my heart isn’t in it I’m feeling connected to work and the kids making a different. I feel impatient with school like I’m waiting to be done despite mt enjoyment in learning. But the pressure feels horrific lately. I was sick for two days still feel it. Work has been disgustingly stressful due to my co worker. Being horrific with the kids. And then I have my lab mentor telling me “it’s unprofessional to have an unexpected absence without notice” ummm so sorry I was asleep and not feeling well once. It isn’t a pattern.

The pressure is fucking on and I wanna roll in a ball. I can’t help my restless ways it’s mt nature. It’s hard to be under this much and try so hard yet be fearful of telling others what I need. I overplease until I can’t do it. Now I have this dumb fucking stupid party tomorrow SORRY. That has to do with my dads family coming here. My stomach still hurts I’m getting my period and I don’t need this. I hate the voice in my head that says stop complaining stop worrying. My parents are fighting don’t blame my mom. She doesn’t want them here. I don’t really but he is my father. He knows how I feel. I’m not passive aggressive with how I feel or “fresh” I just say it. Probablt a reason some don’t like me. I care what others think but I’m also not going to “fake” it to make others comfortable. I hate doing that and I need to stop doing that. I need to just be completely honest with mt feelings. I hate putting on a mask. This morning I didn’t. Adam my conworkee noticed it immediately. Saying he noticed when she came in I was upset. Not with the kids but at here. He said he knows I care a lot. It shows. I do care a lot it’s one of mt faults. I deeply devote myself to one thing and forget about everything else. (This is a new personality character because I used to mindlessly do too many things). I forgot about school for a good two weeks. I stopped replying to emails, texts, calls. I also hate texting people consistently. I’m exhausted I have no time for me. I don’t wanna do this shit and go to appointments but sadly we live in a world where appoints exist. Weirdly I’m amazing at staying on time at work. I take care of 18 4 year olds and clean up after them feed them love them nurture them and teach them. Yet I can’t text someone back something doesn’t add up. Even my therapists texts intimidate me. Yet I can Literallt fight someone in real life. But that’s only people I don’t respect. Which unfortunely I respect all my professors.

To give myself credit I’ve dealt with a ton of shit while doing all of this. So I haven’t processed my moms addiction or really my feelings around men in general. I’m afraid to be in love. True shit. I have high standard now which makes my red flag alarm go up everytime I encounter a guy. One has a gf one has a baby one has an addiction one can’t commit and one is gay. The world is insane. I feel like Janis Joplin “one good man”. Where they at tho? It’s been a long ass day this is an insane rant and probablt makes no sense but I need to write it. Apart from all these downfalls I’m genuinely a good person I think I care about people animals pets children everyone. Yet I don’t trust men romantically. I have barely any trust in the world and I’m nervous.

How could I be two things at once.

Someone who loves the universe and nature. Believes in peace and tries to show it. Feels connected spiritually to the earth.

Someone who doesn’t trust people. Is afraid of love. Disgusted by pda.

It isn’t the world I don’t trust it’s the people and what they did scares me and I’m afraid it could happen again. I get so hooked to someone quickly. When I love i reallt love. Nick showed me that he didn’t bring me the same. He knew that so he broke my heart more by even knowing he didn’t have the same love for me. I tried to stay and make him love me but that’s the worst type of love. I needed him. To love me. It made me feel like shit for so long I couldn’t speak. He broke up with me I felt like my world fell apart. I couldn’t see the reality. He didn’t feel what I could feel he wasn’t capable of having the love I have.

I used to think those were things people tell them selves to feel better. But truthfully what is actually true. They aren’t in your life anymore so does the way they feel actually matter? You will never know how they feel because they don’t so what’s the use in figuring out. It’s been a waste of time one I needed though to get through the storm on the side of independence I went from serial dater/sex to being single for almost two years. I needed to go through nick. To see what it’s like to love someone who can’t do the same to break my heart. It did but in the end I got smarter.

[tyrannuspitch]

@oceanicpoetry said:

i always interpreted that as him being able to project a version of him he wishes to be like (he *wants* to be detached from and unbothered by his emotions and all that (because of things mycroft told him? endless speculation)) but he can't *actually* "free" himself of those feelings. and since he already expresses his feelings in a different way than others, those around him are happy to buy into his facade because it makes it easy to just dislike him. but it's obvious to mycroft (which sherlock hates), though mycroft can likewise be misled, just in the other direction (like when he's wrong about sherlock's feelings for irene) and also to john, who sometimes does fall into the trap, but he never truly believes it.

hmmm. yeah. i think this is a big part of it, but i don't know if it accounts of *everything*. you've made a few interesting points here and i'm thinking about a lot of this for the first time, so excuse me while i think aloud for a while lol

honestly, the main thing i was getting at with the bad actor versus good liar contrast was that sherlock can't fully hide his neurodivergence (whatever it may be). he can project a version of it that makes him feel less vulnerable, but he can't pass for "normal". he has armour, but no mask.

however, while repression is definitely a huge part of what's happening here, it's notable that sherlock is also capable of faking feelings he *isn't* experiencing. the "bad actor" point is a little more nuanced than i let on above - his non-sherlock personas are always pretty questionable, but in one of them in TGG, he shows himself fully capable of crying on command. i'm not really sure what that says yet, but it's not what i would expect.

as such, i don't know if i would say that all his successful lies involve a version of himself he wants to be, because some of them are contradictory? but then again, maybe that's precisely the point - he's torn about who he wants to be. closer to people, or further away? both are (somewhat) futile anyway. he can't fully shut down his feelings, but he'll never be like everyone else.

the thing about sherlock is that he's both genuinely low empathy and genuinely emotionally repressed. so the eternal question is - which one are we dealing with right now? is this a case where it's worse to try to change him, or worse to just believe him? sometimes i don't think even he knows.

the irene alder situation is, as i said, a can of worms. is sherlock into her but trying to hide it, or is he pretending to be into her and pretending to hide it? i'm personally inclined to read it as the latter, because that's more interesting to me, but i feel like the ending implies that the writers want me to conclude the former. but it is still ultimately ambiguous. idk!

as for mycroft... i think i need to make a new post for my mycroft thoughts.

mandatory disclaimer that i'm new in town and refuse to watch past episode six but. just from where i'm standing. i'm pretty sure the intended situation is that sherlock (the character) is a terrible *actor* but an excellent *liar*, and that's such a fun piece of characterisation. like... he can't be anyone but himself. but he CAN significantly mislead you about what "being himself" means.

[itsmaferart]

Is this a good time to talk about Twilight's development?... Yes, it's always a good time!

One of the most interesting points about Twilight for the fandom is the question of which identity will prevail until the end. I think the most obvious answer would be Loid Forger will be the identity that will stay, since that's the identity most people know him by (in and out of the universe), but things are more complicated when we remember [Redacted], the one that is supposed to be the "true" identity of the boy who lost everything in the tragic war…. And then…. where does that leave Twilight, the Westalis spy?

I think an interesting and collective perspective is that Twilight is slowly becoming Loid Forger, the character created to fulfill the Strix mission Right? So, Twilight starts to get more and more confused feeling that his fake family is more and more real to him. However, I don't know if this is really the route Endo is necessarily taking.

If we think about it, Loid Forger is someone who does not exist, is not a real psychiatrist, was not married and did not really have a daughter with his fictional first wife. We could say then that Twilight's fatherly and good husband moments are due to Loid's character.

Twilight alone, playing Loid as an exemplary parent usually has several problems. From chapter one we can see him sinking into a spiral of negativity when he sees that understanding a child is so complicated (even after reading a bunch of parenting encyclopedias), especially when Anya doesn't get the academic results needed for the mission. The same thing happens, or something similar, when being Loid Forger he tries to "seduce" his fake wife to keep up appearances, or make sure she continues with her role (just an excuse to kiss her, ok?).

I'm trying to say, when Twilight, the spy, transforms himself into Loid Forger he has serious problems. Being the perfect father and husband under the demands of the Strix mission is very complicated, trying to use his daughter (and wife) to get results usually always fails. So, the Loid Forger mask is not enough to transform Twilight into a REAL good father and husband.

So…. Twilight is becoming Loid?

I think this is not so accurate…. at least not yet.

Loid Forger by himself is nothing genuine, he is a mask. He is someone who at some point must cease to exist and with him the lies. So, when Loid falls, who is he who will really be left? What is his own truth?

What makes all those special Loid Forger moments meaningful and a genuine feeling of undercurrent that is NOT FOR THE MISSION, is [Redacted].

If you think about it, all those special moments are the moments where Twilight unwittingly puts aside his spy side and allows [Redacted] to show up: Like when he tells Yor that he's actually always been alone, and has no family to lean on, when he tells Yor about his own mother and how comforted he felt by her side, or when he told Anya how important friends were.

The real loving, fatherly side of Twilight doesn't derive from Loid Forger, it derives from [Redacted]. It's a side that's always been in him, but it's dormant, and it wasn't something that came out of playing that role of Loid.

So I think it's more accurate to say that "Loid is transforming into [Redacted]" ...."Loid's mask is becoming part of [Redacted]'s face on the surface"

Yes, [Redacted] had to disappear, and be buried for Twilight, the spy, to become his dominant identity in order to deal with the loss (it's just a protective shell). Loid Forger is becoming the new identity or the new mask for [Redacted] to resurface from the depths.

To paraphrase Nightfall "He is their buried heart".

Each time manga progresses further, we see Loid/Twilight showing a more genuine side of himself, a more human side. He is no longer someone who smiles (falsely) at his family, or is worried about appearing sympathetic to Yuri (he is annoying as a pain in the ass), or even shows no concern about them finding out that they are not a real family. Twilight has been relaxing, and has stopped worrying so much about appearances, and more about being a good father and a good husband

We even see him genuinely overwhelmed by being a spy, dealing with side missions. Because [Redacted] does not want to appear to be a perfect spy/man at all times, when he clearly wants to be at home with his wife and daughter, dealing with his upset stomach while drinking coffee (with a little milk).

.

So, I think those times when Twilight starts slipping and letting out phrases like "…I abandoned my family again" or "it gets very lonely" (if Yor isn't there) or "I'm genuinely proud", it's actually [Redacted] surfacing and displacing her spy side when it's no longer really necessary

Loid Forger is getting real because [Redacted] is real

It's funny, too, when Loid Forger's relaxed hair looks a lot like Redacted's hairstyle as a child.

.

Yes it may be that for Twilight the spy it is very easy to tell the difference between him and Loid Forger. But the line that distinguishes [Redacted] and Loid becomes increasingly blurred…. and it will be interesting to see how he and his mountains of emotional denial will deal with that.

However, it will be interesting to know what path Endo has planned. For practical purposes and congruent with the plot, all the characters who have met Loid (who don't know he's a spy) recognize him as the psychiatrist, Anya's father, and Yor's husband. So I don't know if this implies that Loid Forger will be his definitive civilian identity when he really stays with his family (because I know it will), or if his real name will be revealed, having to start a new life with his girls and his faithful dog.

.

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Then..... What do you think?