#tw ideation

[sun-citadel]

Copied from Bsky, but an important update.

There's a strong likelyhood I'll be going to the ER if, not today, by late Thursday.

If I'm unreachable for a day or three, I apologize in advance — especially towards commissioners.

I'm not doing very well, nor have I been these last few weeks since starting Uni again. I've been back and forth with posting this update, because I feel attention seeking in doing so. I sat on this post for an hour alone. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm struggling in all fronts, as positive as I try to remain in DMs and publicly.

I'm half - venting, which once again, I do apologize for.

But I'll try to post updates when I can. I'm trying not to self - isolate in fear I get worse, and while I'd rather be selective on who I talk to at this time, thoughts and well wishes are genuinely appreciated.

Sorry my posts have been so negative lately, I just haven't been well.

The absolute best case would be : I don't need to go, I'm stable after the alloted timeframe. I'll have a positive update, and can say confidently "yeah I'm fine" , but I genuinely don't know. I just know that's always happened, but it feels worse.

I've been encouraged to get help, hence this post.

So in summary, I'm not doing ok. I'm hoping to seek help though, but I'm scared to do so. If I'm stable enough not to seek help, I'll update and say that I am by Thursday. I'm safe, and will be ok Wednesday.

I'm sorry everyone, but I'm very, very tired.

[aspd-culture]

Aspd culture is: “It’s just a girl harmonizing with her fan” so close! Actually it’s the sound of realizing that I am unable to form a meaningful relationship and that no one will never understand me except another sociopath and then it would it be really true love? I am ultimately destined to be the loneliest animal in the universe, I want to be put down like a rabid dog.

aspd-culture-is

[limpwristjesus]

Idk but as a transmasc but also a nonbinary lesbian, some of y’all’s takes on Mutsuki’s gender are unserious as hell because y’all will use textbook experiences of dysphoria to argue that he was never actually trans and never consider that his relationship with gender doesn’t have to be a cis one even if he doesn’t feel like manhood fits him. The idea that him thinking he’s trans was simply due to trauma and discomfort with the male gaze is especially unserious because being openly transmasc around cis men is a harrowing experience and if anything it unlocked a brand new flavour of violence. It also made me suicidal and dysphoric to the point I seriously considered detransitioning for some time and I likely would’ve if I wasn’t in community with other trans people.

That’s not even getting into that what really made me understand that I was actually suicidal was the existential dread that conceptualizing being subject to men’s attraction caused me. Considering Mutsuki’s preexisting trauma, and then being terrorized by torso and still being made to play the part of a girl as bait for the auction and the people who landed him in that situation in the first place being his coworkers, I can absolutely him wondering if being trans is worth it and maybe just denying himself and living as a girl might work out better. Especially since that imposter syndrome and dysphoria is very much a thing for trans people irl.

Like if y’all are gonna litigate this y’all should consider the narrative instead of reproducing anti transmasculinity 101.

I don’t have access to the JP raws and I’m not at that point in my reread but take this as a preface to all my future analysis. This post sums up what I meant really well.

[thewisecheerio]

Soulsborne Games and Depression

There are lots of videos about Soulborne games saving people from depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses. The one linked is a particularly good one. The gist is that overcoming something hard—even "just" a game—tricks your brain into believing in your own self-efficacy, which has knock-on effects for other parts of your life. https://youtu.be/keIWG6hSD7Q?si=t9yfpJFzb_XC0N05

TRIGGER WARNING:

Depression, ideation

But something that I think is under-emphasized in a lot of these analyses is how the beginning of these games mimics the feeling of depression really well. This mimicry makes the later successes feel so important.

Elden Ring starts off with

You are a Tarnished of no renown. You are maidenless. You are fated, it seems, to die in obscurity.

Likewise, the depression tells you

You are nothing. You don't matter. Why don't you go die in a ditch somewhere?

And fighting it, you say

I am something. I matter. And I will persist.

[jeffreely]

filler drawing. Farts and runs off

[necroblossom]

storyboards. do you like my subtle watermarks

[serotoninstan]

came here for sewercidal postings but saw maomao on the dash so i'll leave now

[the-medusa-system]

TW: religious imagery, drowning ish, possibly ideation? I'm not really sure what's going on in this poem to be honest but we're proud of it because at least it sounds pretty. :)

Water black as night and thick as syrup.

The ducks glide past and I wonder

If I could do the same.

If I step out onto the waves,

Will I sink or swim,

Fall or fly?

I hope I get to rejoin the stars.

I wish to take part in their mystical dance.

The ripples make it shimmer

As though it were glass.

Will it bear my weight,

Do you think?

I guess it's a matter of faith,

Which I admit I'm losing more and more

The longer I stay on shore.

[ohwolfling]

The more you get squishy and inspirational about it, the more I want to die tbh. "You HAVE to stay alive." Don't tell me what to do.

It's the same thing as like, "don't say you want to die, say you want to run into the sea :)"

I'm happy that works FOR YOU but believe it or not, we are not a hive mind. I very openly want to die and sometimes I have to say it aloud. When I never said it aloud, know what I did? I killed myself. I was clinically dead for several minutes.

You aren't less inspiring or a bad person because that's the feeling you have. You aren't bad for saying it or screaming it or being a cloud of rage and darkness right now. Sometimes saying, "fuck, I want to die," takes that inside storm and let's it fizzle into a light rain by virtue of acknowledging it.

Label your posts as fluff or angst or something. Because so many of you kind of latently shove suicidal people into isolation by communicating that they're only allowed to be here if they're inspiring or whatever.

[disposablelimb]

i'm going to be really honest. i planned on killing myself if the election went badly. the only reason i'm saying this now is bc less than a week ago i found something i wanted to stick around for. so there isn't any reason to go reporting me or anything.

i still don't want to be alive but i have a reason to endure. and it isn't for any of the sweet nice reasons ppl typically stay alive for it's bc of a NASA satellite. i am not sticking around because i think my life is worth anything. i am not here because i believe things will get better for me or even generally speaking. i will not fight an endless, unwinnable fight. i do not believe in the power of community, or hope, or that good triumphs over evil. as a species we've been around long enough that if any of that worked we wouldn't even have gotten here in the first place. nothing like that is the reason.

i will stay because i want to see it with my own eyes, the birth of a sibling in our own stellar nursery. no of course i don't know if Europa really has life on it, and NASA's satellite probably won't be able to figure it out either. but the mission is an essential step to answering the question. ultimately i have always belonged to worlds other than the one i live on. my life rides with Europa Clipper.

[tiny-little-hobbit]

I hate being left alone with my thoughts at night. All I can think about is how easily disposable I am, and that I deserve it. All I do is fuck up. Lord please, save me from myself, I don't want to wake up . The world does not deserve having to deal with me in it.

[jonathancjones]

I don't know if I want to be around today. I'm clearly unstable and maybe I just need to step away. I've been battling a lot of demons since Feb. Been in and out of the hospital, almost died twice, been in and out of feeling like I should've for a while and trying to be strong for people who need me. Been battling multiple disorders, including one that's rare and there's nothing to really treat it with. I don't know. I'll probably delete this but I genuinely feel down on my luck. In my plights, I feel people have misjudged how weak I truly am.

Like damn, I'm suffering too, but I don't get the love and support most people do. Usually, I'm fine with that. I've always gone through stuff alone...but right now I doubt myself and how people feel about me.

My spottiness of being here has had everything to do with all of these factors. I feel like, in turn, I only get shunned for not replying fast enough or flat out ignored. I wished deep down people checked on me, or asked how I'm even doing but I've never been one to beg for someone to be concerned. It seems disingenuous. I shouldn't have to if they're my friends...right?

I hurt so bad...no one even knows... I'm just going to take the day off. Sorry, maybe I'll unfuck myself tomorrow.

[ruinedofficial]

"I think something has broken," says the jester

"Or run out, at least. My wit has run out. I can't laugh at the world or anything anymore.

Nothing matters, not really. Not much seems real." It let's a laugh escape from its mask but the laugh is hollow, devoid of humor. "I can't seem to find the punchline! And the whole world seems like it can. Maybe I should accept the fact I'm not in on the joke. Maybe I should stop trying"

[sanriopropaganda]

vent under the cut

ive had two best friends in my life, one from elementary to high school who moved away when we were 14 and we grew apart, and the other i met in my freshman year of college who dropped me for a romantic partner. i haven’t been able to find anyone since.

i have close friends, i even have people i might consider some of my best friends, but those people have their own best friend, and it’s not me. im not apart of a friend group, i mostly just bounce around from hangout to hangout. i interact with people a lot! im friends with a good number of people! i just. don’t have that one person that everyone else seems to.

i thought i had found a good group of girls that could maybe be a friend group since i don’t have one since moving back home. they were already friends, and i met them through a mutual friend that was also fairly new to the group. i was just scrolling on instagram today and i saw that there was a birthday party i wasn’t invited to that i just. had to find out through social media had happened. even the newer person was invited.

and maybe i had overinflated my position, or maybe i saw or felt something that wasn’t mutual, but after being invited to other gatherings and parties with the full group, it hurt! and then i started thinking about how they dont really talk to me outside of those hangouts. and there was a group chat they forgot to add me to (whether or not it was purposeful or not i don’t know). i thought maybe we would talk more as time went on, and ive tried to initiate those conversations, but. it’s never worked out.

and ik no one is obligated to hang out with me, ik no one is obligated to invite me to anything, especially since we haven’t known each other for a full year. but it just sucks bc like. im never anyone’s person. im no one’s best friend. people aren’t really jumping at the chance to be with me. i feel like the same lonely kid i always have been.

and it also just feels like. all for nothing? ive done so much work. i try really hard to be someone people like. i think im personable and nice and funny and people say i come off as confident. i dress nicely, i try to talk to people, i try to be supportive and there for others when they need to vent. ive changed so much. im no longer that shy awkward teen i once was, and thats great! i have my moments bc of social anxiety, but i have done a lot to be someone that people want to be around. and of course i have my flaws and things i try to work on but. it all just feels like it’s for nothing. bc im still that kid that doesn’t have a lunch table to sit at. and i feel like im letting myself down.

but even then i feel like it’s all fake. i don’t know where the real me ends and the mask begins. how much of me being a good person is me? how much of it is what i think other people want to see? i don’t know! but sometimes i think. that mask may slip, and i say something weird, or im a little too loud, or i get too excited and i talk too much, or i get too comfortable and i think someone may like me for me! and they don’t.

and ik the reaction to that may be “well you need to know yourself before you can be loved”. i don’t know if that’s ever going to happen! i truly don’t! ive been mentally ill and lonely my whole life. and they just. feed into each other. idk how to separate the loneliness from myself, I don’t know what it means to not feel like this. but does that mean i don’t deserve to love and be loved? aren’t there other people who have found connections and joy and love while being like me? what is it about me that is so repugnant? i try really hard, i genuinely do, i go to therapy and i only sometimes take my meds but i am genuinely really trying and i dont know why im not getting anywhere. but i want to be better, i really do! even with the depression, and the anxiety, and the bpd, i really do try.

i just want to be someone people genuinely truly like and want to be around. i want to meet people and have them think “wow i want to be her friend”. i want to not get dropped for other people. i want to be someone’s first choice. but im not. i want to have a group of people, and even just one, that i think of and who thinks of me when those silly memes of “me and the girls” pop up.

and sometimes i wonder if im just destined to be alone. it really sucks, but i wish some cosmic entiry or god or something would tell me that that’s just the way i am. and that i should just stop trying bc it’ll never matter anyway. it would make it hurt less. but there is no cosmic entity and there is no god and there is no here’s the life ive always dreamed of i will make it mine. it’s just being alone.

so im stuck. trying and failing and wondering what’s wrong with me. maybe im really not as great at being a person as i thought. maybe i am still just ugly and weird and it eventually shows. but i keep trying because thats all i know how to do. until the cosmic entity or god or whoever shows up and tells me to stop.

i really just want to run away a lot of the time. if i moved to some new city far away then i still wouldn’t have friends but i would have an excuse! but i can’t bc i don’t know how and im scared. im really scared that nothing will ever change and ill die alone. probably by my own hand if it gets much worse. but im scared of that too.

[cheesecake-beech]

scheduled for 24.02.25

It's the day after. Didn't go to ER. But was dragged to CRC. I don't know what they were hoping to get out of it. Cause now that we're back at home. Nothing's changed but that's how it always plays out even when I tell them everything how I feel. It's like talking to a brick wall that just hopes I'm the one that's going to change my choice.

I'm not getting her back- my cat. I told them why I did what I did. They let my mom know, gave us both options. But I don't think there's anything any amount of talking can undo what's about to be taken away from me. She's just not worth arguing to sometimes.

I felt like It was taking every fibre of my being to even graduate. And it just didn't feel worth it. I'm just wishing this one time I can be a little selfish and just take both of them.

Both of them are even the reason I'm still here, I always said they were the small bits of light in that dark cave of darkness. They always pulled me out and showed me there was something to look forward to, waking up, coming back home.

one of them's being forcefully taken away from me and I have to make the desicion. it just feels so unfair that that's how I have to repay them... I feel so clouded and so unheard.

That everything was for nothing.

I'm sorry If I alarmed any of you. Everything I did was just, me being desperate really trying to find a way out of a bad headspace. But now I'm just trying to really get out of it.

Right now I can't say for sure If I'm still 90 or 60% here. Cause it's so strange how... almost weird how this feels like fate to me.

Like it's really almost my time. Like If life is trying so hard to take away my only will to live, then maybe it might really be a calling. My head is clear, I'm thinking clearly guys. It's just strange how it's happening like this and how hard life is really trying to make it for me. But it seems like this time it's really pushing it.