#for some reason posting on twitter makes me feel extremely anxious

[disposal-blueeee]

doodlesssss

scriabin belongs to zarla-s

edgar belongs to jhonen vasquez

[82mitsu]

Previously translated pair names that had been posted to Twitter. However corrections had to be made (misinterpretations & an instance of mistranslation), so this is version 2.

Note: This is the only translated thing I will be posting, I am not off hiatus. I had been meaning to archive this before my hiatus, but I also had to fix some things, which is why there was a delay.

Please consult to this post only regarding pair name translations done by me (82mitsu), any other posts or reposts you might see of this chart is the older version. (Previous version has been deleted, but I'm unaware how far the information had spread.)

If any other corrections need to be made, feel free to contact me and I'll make them as soon as possible.

Below follows an extreme lengthy TL note breaking down some pair names, it's a lot of text, so be warned once you unfold the read more.

A lot of research went into these due to 18TRIPs tendency to mix up words, use Gen-Z slang that hasn��t been picked up by everyone yet (or limited to TikTok) and make up their own words (“Omotenashisto” -> “Hospitalister”). I used dictionaries, searched forum results, looked up how people use these words on social media, went TikTok digging, etc.

I tried my best to localize in a way that should make sense even without added context. I only explained the ones that I thought might needed some more back-up in a cultural sense or because it was a specific JPN thing. Thus, not everything has been explained. However, I hope things are clearer compared to the first version that was posted. For Renga & Yukikaze: For ぽゆぽゆ (poyupoyu) there is no definition or anything for this word, but from context clues and digging through how people used it, I deduced that it means something soft and squishy like a plushie or cheeks, so to say. For Renga & Liguang: かりそめの宿縁 (karisome no shukuen) is a Japanese saying about a fated connection of bond that only lasts for a brief moment, but leaves a deep impact on your life. For Renga & Raito: Party is mispelled in the katakana as “paachii” and not the usual “paatii”. Renga has a tendecy to say English words wrong. While “friends” is spelled the correct way, both words have been “mispelled” to drive the point home. For Renga & Kinari: なぁぜなぁぜ (naaze, naaze) is JPN Gen-Z slang from Tiktok. It’s a statement made as an act for complaining, with a bit of sarcasm and irony thrown in at times. Like, “I said I wanna diet but I ate a big meal anyway! なぁぜなぁぜ” or “I’m an idol but I get more anxious doing improv than performances! なぁぜなぁぜ”. Best way I can describe the usage in this context is Renga is throwing a bit of a self-aware tantrum as to why Kinari would correct him. (As mentioned earlier, he isn’t good at English). I guessed a close equivalent would be “nuh-uh”, since that is a dismissal of someone else’s opinion without actual good reason, even if the other person has a point. For Renga & Netaro: まんまん (manman) means “a lot” but I also believe it’s a reference to meatbuns (nikuman). For Kafka & Yodaka: Hanbei is Takenaka Shigeharu, a Japanese samurai from the Sengoku era. He was known for being Toyotomi Hideyoshi’s strategist. For Liguang & Yodaka: 闘牌伝 (touhaiden) is related to Mahjong stuff. 闘牌伝 seems to be an old timey Mahjong video game with RPG elements. Rekka is a fighting game term, and I will quote the website The Fighting Game Glossary by Infil on this: “A type of special move that has multiple stages, as long as you input more commands to continue the sequence. Not all multi-part specials can be called rekkas though; a rekka tends to have exactly three distinct parts and will move your character forward along the ground with each new input.”  For Akuta & Nanaki: They went to the same kindergarten and were grouped together in the “Oden Class”. Japanese kindergartens, from my understanding from researching, tend to have a name for their class, rather than a number. To give an idea what such names could be, in 2019 the website hyenasclubs hosted a poll of most commonly used names for classes, and the top 3 were “baby chick” (hiyoko), “peach” (momo) and “dandelion” (tanpopo). For Akuta & Muneuji: My take on はっけよい輝矢部屋 (hakkeyoi kaguya heya) is a bit of an elaborate bit joking with Princess Kaguya of the Moon (from Tale of the Bamboo Cutter) because I was wondering why they suddenly opted for Muneuji’s last name instead of first. (I might’ve also just overestimated Kaguya Heya being some joke on Kaguya Hime). Hakkeyoi is what a referee shouts at the start of a sumo wrestling match. For Akuta & Ushio: I think ポジティブに腕押し (positive ni ude oshi) is a take on 暖簾に腕押し (noren ni ude oshi) that means something has no effect or is pointless. Lit. it means “pushing a curtain with one's arm”.    For Akuta & Tao: Akuta Nine is a joke on the baseball movie Gyakkyo Nine which is an adaptation of the manga of the same series, I believe. The movie is referred to as GK9, hence I made it AKT9.  For Akuta & Ryui: The original is OYAxKOBU which comes from 親分子分 (oyabunkobun) meaning “boss and his underlings”. Akuta also calls Ryui by “Oyabun”.

For Kiroku & Nanaki: Weebs who watch highschool anime should be familiar with this, but emergency staircase refers to the hallway stairs in a JPN highschool that are sometimes used as chilling out spots by students. For Kiroku & Chihiro: TuRyStA is the clothing brand they wear. 18TRIP has a various selection of clothing brands, which each character having a preference for one or another. For Kiroku & Yodaka: Zhao Yun, as quoted by Wikipedia, “was a military general who lived during the late Eastern Han dynasty and early Three Kingdoms period of China.” For Ushio & Raito: Some heavy freedom was taken with バスボムしゅわリスト (basubamu shuwaristo). After considering how to approach it in the most sensical way, I decided to translate it as “bubblist” due the other options being “hand sign list” or “bubble list”. I thought リスト might function as in -ist, like dentist, artist, guitarist. しゅわ comes from しゅわしゅわ which means bubbly. Although bubblist isn’t not that common, it is sometimes referred to entertainers that do bubble performances (in English). And I think it made more sense than “hand sign list” or “bubble list” to say the least. This was also taking in consideration how 18TRIP, as explained in the intro, gets very creative with its language usage. For Raito & Nagi: Mandarin ducks symbolize “soulmates” of some kind in China. In other words, Mandarin Duck Touring is more along the lines of “Motorcycle touring soulmates”. However, I find the mandarin duck reference and interesting pull compared to just “soulmates”, so it was kept as is. For Kinari & Ryui: “Super Darling Gap Inspection” is more along the original lines. “Gap” in Japanese is usually used in the context of when someone acts one way, but unexpectedly, can act a different way. Ex. A very shy person shows they can be super vulgar, that can be considered a “gap” of some kind. In English, people are more familiar with “gap moe”, thus gap moe was used. For Tao & Nagi: Might be a reference to Yokohama’s Zo-no-hana (Elephant Nose) Park. For Toi & Yodaka: The original is more along the lines of, in the most literal sense, “going around raisins circle (of friends).” Toi likes raisins, but Yodaka doesn’t, so Yodaka passes them onto Toi. I’ve turned into on a play on “sharing is caring” since that’s a common concept in English.

[essayofthoughts]

🦋🕯️💌 for the emoji ask game!

🦋what are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

Not really insecure about anything these days? I've posted a truly absurd amount of fic and my previous fandoms include Harry Potter (TERF author can go rot) and MCU (... character roundabouts abound and the tonky stans refuse to admit it) so ... fandoms don't scare me much, I'm liberal with the block and delete buttons and I'm pretty confident in my own writing ability and general standing as a fanfic author.

I think the only thing I tend to worry about is my tags? I always either miss something, or tag something in a slightly weird way there's probably something better for. If you ever notice a fic of mine that could do with either tag pruning or an additional tag - please do let me know. I once managed to forget to add Whump to a fics tags and only remembered when a commenter mentioned it, I promise, I will not be mad.

🕯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you’re not a social person/experience social anxiety?

See, I am Bad At People. I had very few friends going up and whether or not I have any neurodivergency (unknown, not unlikely, Dad almost definitely is, but I also have trauma from bullying and a shitty ex to complicate matters) I don't always socialise so good. I tend to observe social interactions and write them well, but outside of my close friends I get very antsy about interacting with new people.

This is why, generally, I stay in my own lane on tumblr; I'll post my metas and analysis here or in response to asks and only occasionally add them to other posts - and then posts by either people I know or, for whatever reason, feel comfortable enough to add to. I used to be a lot more fighty but frankly that intersects with my social shit badly and I am trying to keep to things which spark joy, even if people being wrong on the internet regularly makes me want to fight them.

Anyway. Comments are also easy because like - an awful lot of people don't respond to your comments? And it's a massive load off my anxious back to know I can just leave a comment and probably won't get any response. And then, if there is a response, it's often delightful because I wasn't expecting it and it's to a comment I probably put way too much thought into which means there's often something fun to discuss. Likewise - I love when people comment on my work with clearly thought out considerations and I know, from my own experiences, that many don't expect a reply and it'll be a nice surprise for them.

And, like I said - I'm trying to keep to things which spark joy. Spreading that joy in fandom is one such. World sucks enough - lets not add to it.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

So uh.

I reblogged a meta from @exhaustedwerewolf a lil while back and it's because of that meta that Kash is now eating my brain apparently? I have gained a new blorbo. I will be resuming my other WIPs soonish - the intense rush of writing has definitely tapered off some - but uh. Now I have 2(.5) new WIPs, centring on Kash and Zahra.

Oops?

Look I just really like poking at characters and their trauma and Kash and Zahra are both fun and drastically different examples.

Anyway so uh.

From what we hear of Kash's backstory, that boy was raised in a cult? I'm so glad I've listened to the Gangster Capitalism series on Liberty University and read/watched/listened as much as I have to stuff about cults and cult-like entities and abuse within those structures because uh.

Boy has some shit to pick through!

(It's extremely engaging.)

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2018 Giving a few Facebook friends till the end of the year to interact with me. If they don’t I’m deleting them. I don’t know why but I’m very picky about that. I don’t add people to my friend list for decoration. There’s gotta be some interaction even if it’s only once a month or so.

Are the Twenties ignoring me or something? I asked them about the uptick in commercial planes and if they knew anything about it but they’ve completely blown me off. They would interact with me occasionally but lately, there’s been nothing. Mr. Twenties claims he’s not using Facebook because of privacy issues. Yet he seems to be on playing games. I have a feeling he has me blocked from his posts but oh well. His account, his choice.

At the end of the year, I will be doing friend list housekeeping and deleting a few deadbeats. Kim and Eileen from Massachusetts will likely be going and so will Sandra, an older PB lady in Tennessee that I never hear from anymore either there or on Facebook. I’ll have to look and see who else is worthy of being deleted but I don’t have many friends there to begin with. For some reason, I’m extremely picky about who I add there and I currently only have 22 people added. I’ve become more into keeping people I know and “reality” separate from other sites like PB, Twitter, etc. To me, Facebook is reality or at least it should be; real names, real people, so I’m not going to be sharing journals and stuff like that there anymore.

So what’s with the strange loud motor? In the mornings lately, I’ve been hearing what sounds like large utility trucks entering the park. Yesterday I heard the steady drone of what sounded like something running that wasn’t too close but that was probably pretty loud. I have no idea what it could’ve been but I’m dreading the next project I can’t drown out with sound machines. I still say they’re going to pave the roads if they don’t tear them up again for some shit that got fucked up somehow. Or to replace something with newer stuff.

I want the new MacBook Air. Maybe someday. It would help if the US would get with the times and not cost its people so much in medical expenses. The water tank’s pressure valve is leaking now, too. Starting to think that going to Hawaii one more time and getting a decent bed that won’t sag in a few months is just a dream.

Yesterday was a wonderfully calm day with sufficient energy. Why can’t it always be like that or at least 75% of the time? Now I don’t know what the hell to think anymore. Tom thinks I was just anxious on Monday because it was the start of the week when he’s going to be out for five days in a row. But then why do I sometimes get anxious when we’re hanging out together on weekends? We know the medication was responsible for the problems I had when I first went on 75s and when she tried me on 88s. That’s a no-brainer. But maybe the random anxiety really is due to my lady hormones still fluctuating unless I’ve got something else going on with me I don’t know about which seems unlikely. Too soon to say whether or not the Liothyronine or magnesium supplements are helping. Skin is still pretty dry so that may not be a good sign but then I am older and I do live in a climate that’s damn near close to being the desert.

I seriously wonder when it’s going to rain again. We’ve only had a few days of rain in about half a year. It could make up for lost time in a month or so, though. I love the rain and how it keeps things quieter but I don’t want the roof to get any worse before we leave.

Nothing from Norma so I’m guessing she either didn’t get a chance to talk to Tammy or she learned that Tammy’s just being her usual hypochondriac self. Maybe she feels uncomfortable saying anything negative about Tammy so she’s chosen to say nothing at all. Well, I’m not going to say anything more. I’ve got to live my own life and worry about my own problems.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2018 Yesterday was Kate Jackson’s 70th birthday. Jaclyn Smith is a few years older.

Tom said several people are quitting at work and going to work at some other warehouse but doesn’t know what the pay is. The thing is that they were already making a lot less than he makes. It would really be nice if he could get a job working graves because it would make doing things in the daytime easier, like going to appointments, but I can’t believe any other place would start him off at $19 an hour. But if it was third shift then being an American company wouldn’t matter. It would suck if he couldn’t get as many days off but at least he wouldn’t have to take days off for appointments.

The water was off yesterday although I went to bed right before they turned it off. The fucking water is going off again on Thursday. Damn, am I sick of this place! I hate to think of being here another 5-6 years. I can just imagine all the projects I’ll be in for. Never lived anywhere before where I dreaded the possibility of them working in the road or cutting trees down with their thunderously loud saws and wood chippers. I also can’t believe all the planes here. There have definitely been way more commercial planes. Early yesterday morning it was one after another and I’ve heard several since I’ve been up. There’s no getting peace here even at night.

I wish noise was the worst of my problems but unfortunately I was very anxious yesterday. It was almost to the point where I dreaded the idea of him leaving for work. Stopping the Amberen again after reading that they recommend stopping after 90 days and then if you have symptoms doing another 90 days. It’s a mega longshot but there is a very very slim chance that it could be contributing to my anxiety even though I wouldn’t think a blend of vitamins and minerals would do that. I suppose anything is possible even though I doubt it has anything to do with it. So far today I’m calm but it’s a little early in my day. That’s usually a midday thing so I’m still about 3 hours away from any potential trouble. Going to be taking my magnesium, vitamin D and multivitamin in a few minutes. If I get unusually anxious I may stop the magnesium. A few people did say it actually wound them up. Can’t say if the Lio had anything to do with it or not. Looking at my notes, it seems I’ve had 5 anxious days out of the last 15. As I may have said before, I’m beginning to think that if I was meant to fix this then I wouldn’t have had it for so long to begin with.

The glasses came today and I’m still not sure if progressives are right for me. I hate how you have to look through a specific spot in the lens in order to see certain things. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to traditional bifocals even though I would lose mid-range that way. They’re awfully loose too, so they’ll have to be tightened. The round raspberry frames look better on me than the rectangular purple frames but the purples are only for the computer anyway.

Norma replied saying she hopes Tammy and I work things out, sisterhood is important, her sister left her and her brother, etc. She said she’ll keep my message between us and hasn’t spoken with Tammy recently but will call tomorrow (today) to see what she can find out.

I would still think that if she was really dying, Norma and I would’ve been notified. Plus, Tammy’s been on Facebook pretty much daily. If you were dying, would you really be on Facebook every day?

I think I’m still a bit too nice, too caring, and too forgiving. Meaning that I know I should simply ignore Tammy regardless of biology if Norma confirms she’s not dying after she calls her today. Saying you want to die, are thinking about dying, feel like you’re dying, or think you might die at a specific time is one thing. Saying you “won’t be around long” is another. That’s low. That’s just really low. That’d be great for her and the girls if she wasn’t checking out anytime soon but I’m definitely done with her, without guilt or shame, if I learn she lied about dying.

Plus there’s all the other drama I could do without. I’ve had it with the she said/he said game, and I’m not going to defend or explain myself to anyone either.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2018 I guess I better get caught up here before I get too behind.

Tom worked from home yesterday on and off for about 11 hours and made a couple of hundred extra bucks which never hurts. I may have more appointments but he’s been costing us more medical-wise, as I love to bust him about.

We both took our first magnesium supplement yesterday. He noticed no effects but it may have made me a little drowsy. I’m tired today as well but only because I was up a long time and only slept 6 hours.

Went to Walgreens yesterday morning where I got some M&M’s and pork rinds which I pigged out on and ended up having heartburn and nausea at the end of my day. If I get it again today I’m going to wonder if it’s the magnesium. Took it for the second time a couple of hours ago. Still way too soon to say whether or not it’s going to help me with anxiety. I’m taking every preventive measure I can think of. I’ve tapped, I’ve taken my multivitamin, my vitamin D, and my Amberen. I’ll probably take that last one every other day instead of every day. I still don’t think it made me anxious but I have to try to find out what’s what and I can’t do that if I do too much at once.

Took my 5th dose of Liothyronine and I’m nervous about that approaching one-week marker. There are actually a few milestones I have to hope I get through. First one is a week.

At Walgreens, I also got some soda and colorful gems that you stick on whatever. I used the purple ones to stick on the little green spot of light on my laptop power cord. It’s amazing how such a teeny tiny spot can give off so much light and be so damn bright. It’s literally like having a night light in here. My alarm clock is much worse, though.

Saturday I decided to take a chance and sleep without the earbuds since my appointments aren’t right around the corner. Sure enough, traffic woke me up.

We ordered a narrow shower curtain that’s 36x72 for the master bathroom shower because I would still like to have that shower as an option if I want to shower when he’s asleep like right now. We’re going to remove the leaky glass door but not get rid of it. We’ll put it back on when we leave. That is, assuming I really survive to get out of here someday! The shower curtain has a beach scene on it with ocean, sand, and sky.

I also ordered another bronze figurine, this one doing a yoga pose. They call it a pigeon pose. This one is a little different than my other bronze ladies. The others are completely nude and in sensual or casual poses. This one has a painted body suit.

Last night the planes were amazingly quiet but I’m sure that around 6am the commercials will be zooming by one after another. I never did get a reply from them either. I sent a message to the Sacramento Airport.

Last night I had a dream Tammy and I were working on our computers side by side. We were both on Facebook. Only our “computers” were these large touch screens on the wall. I saw Tammy tap a button to add me as a friend. I accepted and wrote, “Hello, bitch,” with a smile emoji.”

It was after this that I finally decided to do something I’ve been debating on… Go to Norma and beg her to keep my message between us. If she betrays me I will simply delete her. No words, no confrontation, no nothing. I’ll just delete her. I filled her in on the situation and hopefully she can give me some concrete information as to what’s really going on with Tammy.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2018 “Implying that you’re dying simply because you’re pissed is low. Like really low.”

That’s what I posted publicly on Facebook wondering if the drama queen might see it and come to her own defense, giving me an idea of whether or not there’s any truth to her implications. But there’s no evidence she’s seen it or been to my blog.

I was also hoping that if she didn’t, maybe Norma would ask whom I was talking about and I could get some information from her. I thought about sending her a private message and begging her to keep our chat between us but I know she won’t. She’s always favored Tammy over me and while that in itself is fine, I know she can’t be trusted. She proved that 30 years ago in Springfield when she automatically assumed I was behind the prank phone calls she was getting and went to Ruth about it. I swear I have no recollection of ever calling her but it was a small city, so if I ever did call her, I dialed randomly and got her by accident. This happened to Andy a couple of times with a couple of people. Norma did apologize for the false accusation and admitted she should have gone to me but I still wouldn’t trust her with a secret.

Tom needs to invent a browser toolbar with drop-down menus with links to pages on the same site. I want to bookmark all my blogs on Blogger but that would take up a lot of the bookmark toolbar space.

Went down to the lake to give the ducks the old bread and felt warm, a bit weak in the legs, and my heart raced a bit as well. My vitals were fairly decent, though, after I got back and relaxed a bit. Might have happened even without the Lio since it’s happened before and is common in women my age.

Now I’m still a bit warm, slightly light-headed, and tired. The biggest thing is not getting anxious. I’ll make my special Sleepytime brew at around midnight.

They’re going to be turning off the fucking water for 6 hours on Monday. I’ll be asleep through most of it. I had a feeling about this too, before Tom told me he got a message about it. He said a few days ago he saw a major pipe burst by the gate. They capped it off temporarily.

We’re going to be dropping our eye insurance plan at the end of the year because of the way they restrict when we can get exams. Rather than pay them to tell us when to go, we’ll just pay for it ourselves and go when we want to.

Last night I had a dream I spotted Linda Ronstadt in some restaurant. I was eating alone and she was three or four tables away, also eating alone. I thought of going up to her but I didn’t want to bother her. Seeing that she was almost finished and would leave before I did, I decided I would say hello on her way out. Yet when she got up and walked past me, I had a big mouthful of food and couldn’t chew and swallow it fast enough to say anything. So off she went without a word from me.

Then I had this dream that I was in this strange jail. There was a lake that was pretty wavy for a lake in which we swam in. We also had these really weird gadgets that I guess were phones. I don’t know why I was there or for how long but it was weird. Stacey might have been in the dream as well.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2018 I was so exhausted yesterday that I fell asleep early and got up a little early. Felt a bit wound up toward the end of my day yesterday as well. My schedule’s definitely been rolling slower and I think it’s mostly due to how exhausted I’ve been getting. So many days I’m too tired to stay up my usual 16 to 18 hours. I see both Dr. A and Dr. O on the 17th of December and right now my schedule is ideal for my morning appointment with Dr. A but if it backs up too much more it will make Dr. O really hard.

I’m back to tapping more and having more Sleepytime tea for whatever good it may do me, and we even ordered Triple Calm Magnesium capsules from Amazon that a friend on Prosebox recommended. There are some scary reviews but most look promising. I don’t know if it will help with my particular kind of anxiety because I don’t even know exactly what it is. Is it generalized anxiety or does it fit into some other category? Tom still thinks a lot of it could be on my hormones and not the meds, which I’ve survived my second dose of. Tom wants to try them for leg cramps that sometimes wake him up.

77% of the reviews are 5-star while 4% are 1-star. Some said it made their palpitations worse and kept them up at night. The more desperate I get, though, the more I’m willing to risk potential side effects.

So far, I have more energy today and I’m still fairly calm but like I said yesterday, anxiety tends to be a mid-day thing so that’s when I’ll have my Sleepytime tea as a preemptive measure.

Worked out on the Bowflex for 10 minutes and the treadmill for a half-hour. If my energy levels and hips will let me, I’ll add a half hour a day until I’m walking two hours a day. That way I burn a little over 400 calories.

Even though the Amberen is an unlikely culprit because this particular kind of anxiety didn’t start until about 5 months after I started it, I’m going to back off of it for a while and see how I do. I’ve had a little more in the way of hot flashes lately but not too much lightheadedness. That was the biggest thing it seemed to help the most with.

The only good news is that Tom gets to work Saturday which gives us a couple of hundred extra dollars but he gets to do it from home. He’ll be working from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. instead of his usual hours.

Last night’s dream may have been a glimpse into another dimension since I lived at home with an older sister and younger brother. We lived with our single mom who looked a lot like Vera Farmiga, Mrs. Bates on Bates Motel. We were trying to talk her into going on some game show and making big bucks because she was really smart and was able to answer all the questions they asked their contestants.

The layout of the house was pretty clear. Some of it, anyway. I don’t know how old I was but to one side of my room was a bathroom in which my mom’s room was off the other side. To the other side of me was my sister’s room and my brother was across the hall.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2018 Well, I’ve got shitty news and I’ve got good news. The shitty news is that I was both anxious and depressed during the last half of my day yesterday. First half started off a little tired and a little light-headed but that improved.

The good news is that I’ve survived my first dose of Liothyronine. But one dose is far from enough to tell me anything either way. All I can say is that it’s very unlikely I’ll ever have an allergic reaction to the stuff. The next milestone will be getting through a week, then six weeks, then over two months. If I can get over two months without incident, that would be great. It would be beyond great, however, if it could help stop the anxiety.

Yesterday’s surprising and disappointing bout of anxiety has me more confused than ever as to what could be the cause. The thought of never being able to figure it out and never being able to do anything about it is, to me, a very real and scary possibility. I’m trying not to go there in my mind but it both does and doesn’t make sense for it to be the Levothyroxine. My T4 isn’t elevated right now so it can’t be that. Could my lady hormones still be out of whack despite being virtually menopausal? Could some of it simply be my way of reacting to stress these days?

I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is that I find myself entertaining some very dark thoughts way too often at times and if the anxiety doesn’t stop soon, who knows how many more years I can take of this shit before I seriously consider acting on them? I don’t want it to come to that but I don’t want to live to suffer so much of the time either.

No anxiety yet today but for some strange reason, it tends to get me in the middle of my day. I’m just tired today because I’ve been sleeping shitty for a few days now. Until I can get good sleep, I’m not going to have much energy. I have a feeling that even if I was never anxious again, I would still be fatigued a lot of the time. I’ll still take that over anxiety, the anxiety is the absolute worst.

I’ve been itchy a lot lately and I’m having serious doubts about ever finding my LS in remission. Even if I did, though, the past always comes back to haunt me. Sooner or later it will return.

On his next birthday, we’ll be able to start checking every month to see how much money he could get if he retired at that moment. I’m sure the only thing we could afford would be those $300 studios back up in Oregon.

Crazy Lisa was in my dreams last night. I was writing her letters by hand. We were talking one day and she told me she was selling them online. Apparently, selling postal letters had become a big thing since they had become less common.

My dream self loved this idea and was all excited to start selling letters too, even though I wasn’t getting any, LOL. So she was about to sign me up on a site I could sell them through, which needed my credit card info. I decided to wait and see which credit card of ours Tom thought would be the best one to use so I asked her to just give me a site tour until he got home.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2018 Worked a little on the dollhouse but might need his help with the wiring. I’m sorry I got this kit. It’s way too much work and it’s actually kind of boring. Every time I think I’m almost done, there’s more to do.

Next time we replace half of the fish’s water I’m going to remove the wasted castle and plants. He’s shown no interest in any of it and it would make it easier for me to suck shit off the bottom.

We’re also going to keep the rats on the bottom of their cage and close the upstairs because of how hard it’s gotten for them to walk.

I’m not feeling as bad as expected today but I am a little tired. I was a little light-headed earlier as well but that’s cleared up and I’m perking up a bit. I didn’t sleep all that great because I kept waking up.

I wish to hell I was oblivious to climate or liked cold weather and snow. Canada would be a great place to retire as long as the cost of living was reasonable. They have mobile home parks for older people too, and Universal Health Care. It’s a liberal country that takes care of its own. What’s not to like about it?

A cold climate would definitely make for a quieter place to live as I wouldn’t have to hear the loud obnoxious sounds of landscaping every single fucking day nor would there be as many motorcycles. They may keep making vehicles louder despite the technology we have these days but it would be a lot quieter overall. I just can’t see myself suffering through such cold and snow all over again, though. I really want to be in a tropical climate even if it means more motorcycles, more noise in general, the risk of hurricanes, and also losing a good chunk of our money to medical expenses. If we go somewhere where it’s significantly cheaper to live, like Florida, maybe that will help balance out the medical costs that will increase as we continue to age. I don’t know, though. We have to pay a grand for his MRI and now a grand for his steroid shot. We’re not going to get a place 2k cheaper per month because not even this place is that much.

When the time comes, he is going to switch to a more expensive insurance plan that will take a little more money out of his paychecks but that covers more.

Random thought of the day: I was remembering when I was shown a private girls’ school close to home when I was 16 before my mother gave me up to the state. Although there may have been much more freedom there than Valleyhead ever had and I would later come to wish I had chosen the damn place since I would end up with no choice in the end, what kid wants to voluntarily leave home to live with strangers no matter how unhappy their home life may be? Huh? Tell me. What kid? Did they really think I was going to come out that day and say, “Oh wow, this is cool! I like it! I want to live here so bad even though I don’t know a damn person in this place. I want to leave my home and all that’s familiar to me even if my mother’s an abusive bitch who doesn’t do my mood and self-esteem the least bit of good. I’ll be happier in a house full of strangers where I don’t have much of my belongings and nothing is familiar to me. So exciting!”

Well, guess what, Dureen? The daughter you were so sure was crazy was really normal after all.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2018 Yesterday I was exhausted all day and a bit depressed as well because of it. Today I had enough energy to go for a walk and I feel pretty good overall. I’m just enjoying it while I can because I know it won’t last.

Last night my mind raced with all kinds of questions and possibilities. I thought of all the stories pertaining to near-death experiences that I’ve heard over the years describing tales of visiting both good places and bad. Well, I still don’t know if I believe in any kind of an afterlife, but if there is such a thing as Heaven and Hell, I wonder if there are different versions of these places because different people have told different stories of both places. That is unless they’re just that…stories. Or maybe they’re hallucinations or dreams that they truly believe are real.

When you consider those who believe you automatically go to hell if you don’t accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, this makes me wonder about some things. If this is true, how could I get myself to accept something I don’t even know if I believe in? This is just a story people tell and not anything I can verify as true or not. I can’t make myself believe what I don’t know. And what about babies who die before they’re old enough to be told these stories and possibly turned into believers? Do they automatically go to hell?

Lately, I find myself questioning what my behavior may achieve in the end if there is any such afterlife where our actions are judged. I worry I may “pay” for it in the end if there is an afterlife and I continue to ignore my family. But at the same time, I know I should follow my heart and my head whenever I feel it’s best to do so and just be myself for there are no guarantees I’m going to be judged for anything even if there is an afterlife.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2018 Woke up with this horrible pain in the center of my back but it’s better now. I’d say it’s time I stop the HIIT routines. I’m too old and heavy for those. I’d rather just do basic cardio, work my core, and play around on the Bowflex every now and then. I just wish I had the energy to do it more regularly!

I also woke up very tired. I was up a long time last night unable to sleep because I had been caught up on sleep the day before. I was up for about 19 hours and slept for about 9. I’ve been very tired ever since. I wonder if I overdid the tacrolimus, if I had a huge sugar crash from the cheesecake I ate, or if it’s something else. I’m just sick of feeling so blah so often. Even if I had a good story idea (though I don’t), I’m still too tired for too many days to do things like NaNoWriMo next month, especially with a hard word count of 50k.

We ordered the glasses today so they’ll be here within two weeks.

We used the new fish tank vacuum hose to siphon out half of the betta’s water and replaced it with filtered water. I aimed the temperature checker at the stream of water coming out of the faucet to make sure it was within the ballpark of what it’s supposed to be before I filtered it and Tom added conditioning drops.

I’m still stressed out over the upcoming Liothyronine experiment and going back and forth in my mind between reaching out to Tammy and the girls and not. I still don’t know what to make of her cryptic message. I’m just not sure what the right thing to do would be. I don’t want to come off like I don’t care at all but if they don’t care about me, then why bother? If they’d rather not hear from me then I should respect their wishes, but is that what they really want? I just don’t know what they would prefer. Hell, I don’t even know what I would prefer. We may have our differences and Tammy has certainly been both directly and indirectly responsible for causing me a lot of grief in life but I don’t want her to suffer or die. I realize, though, that if she is really dying and not just hyping things up because she’s pissed or wants attention she can’t otherwise ask for, for some reason, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Tammy has never been dumb but she isn’t bright either and I wonder if something’s been wrong with her brain these last few years. She’s always had a habit of seeming forgetful or not able to grasp quite what I’m saying almost in the way Andy has, though not nearly as bad. Yet these last few years I’ve noticed it more. It’s like no matter how many times I explained certain things to her like what I really meant when I said I didn’t want any drama, she still doesn’t get it. Is she just not understanding? Or is she just determined to make a situation what she wants it to be? I suppose both age and stress along with the health issues themselves could mess with her mind and the way her brain functions.

I realize this may be selfish of me but if the end is near, I feel like I’m less obligated to attend her funeral and have to deal with her kids. I would be ready with some excuse if it came to that, and truthfully, we really do need to watch our money since we have to pay so much in medical expenses as we age and continue to acquire more health issues. I feel I have enough of my own health issues right now to be taking off on my own, assuming Tom would be unable to accompany me. So yeah, I’m torn between being compassionate and selfish.

For once I got to have weird and funny dreams.

In one dream I was sleeping in a king-size bed between Palma and her husband of all people and they had a newborn baby in a nearby crib. We were all settling in for the night and I dreaded being woken up because I knew the damn kid wasn’t going to remain quiet all night.

Then I got up since I wasn’t ready to sleep anyway and was moving about the house which seemed to be in the form of a circle. Picture a circular hallway. Later, I was commanding Alexa to turn off certain lights before returning to bed. As I climbed over Palma and slipped in under the covers between the two, Palma was still awake if only barely and asked what I was doing. I said something about turning the lights off.

In the next dream, I was going down a slide in a park somewhere over and over again. A guy in his twenties who was noticeably taller than me but skin and bones was calling out lewd and perverted comments to me. Not only was I confused at why he would say such things to someone decades older and on the heavy side, but I was also getting pissed. So after I hit the ground I walked over to him and asked, “How much do I weigh?”

He looked at me with confusion. Just like I look younger than my age, I look lighter than I am. So again I asked him how much I weighed and he shrugged and said, “I don’t know, 120 maybe?”

I grabbed his wrist painfully and said through bared teeth, “152 pounds of pure steel, fat and fury. I suggest you think twice before calling out whatever to whoever.” Then I turned and walked off leaving him stoned behind me.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2018 What the hell did I just read???

I accidentally messaged Tammy on Facebook about my medication changes and all that, then said I was sorry for hitting her name by mistake. She said that’s okay, she’s in crisis too.

I asked what she was talking about and she said, “We haven’t spoken because you stated that you didn’t want any drama. No problem. I won’t be around for long.”

She misunderstood what I meant when I said I didn’t want any drama. I was upset with her kids calling me out on my own posts. That’s what I meant about the drama.

“Don’t reach out to my daughters either. I have one dealing with breast cancer and one with a bleeding ulcer and a hole in her stomach. This family loves and supports each other unconditionally. We still have your messages about family drama and being deleted by you.”

Wrong again, sis. I deleted you, but your selfish, narcissistic kids deleted me. Their choice. I’m just respecting their wishes.

As far as I knew, though, we’d moved on past this shit. I wished Sarah a happy birthday in our family group message and both she and Tammy thanked me for saying hello to everyone. I don’t know why she’s bringing this up now. Some of what she said didn’t make sense and she would only hint at some things.

I told her to please not say she won’t be around much longer and that we know she will be because she’s tough. They once told her she would die from cervical cancer but she didn’t.

“Guess again, Jodi,” she said.

Guess what???

Okay, so she’s well aware of the dream premonitions I’ve had throughout the years and my concerns for when she’s 62. Well, that’s less than a year from now and she’s hinting at something bad. Something very bad. But because she’s not exactly spelling anything out specifically, I’m going to assume she’s just having a rough time and try not to worry. Even I feel like I’m not going to be around much longer at times. Hell, I wonder if I’ll survive the upcoming meds experiment! bites nails fearfully Seriously, I hope this is just her usual exaggerations. She’s been a hypochondriac all her life. Until and if she ever says otherwise in a way I can be sure isn’t some kind of twisted joke out of spite or for attention, I’m not going to read much into it. Even Tom said not to bother overthinking that one. I think if she were literally dying and was given a terminal prognosis, I would’ve been notified. I’ll not contact her again unless I do hear more from her.

As for her kids…last time I’ll say this: I’m sorry if anything I ever said or did hurt them which was never my intention, I’ve already apologized, and I still have a right to post what I want without being called out on it just like they do.

Meanwhile, will Lisa ever apologize for wrongly calling me a liar and going ballistic on me over a simple misunderstanding she had with someone who was bordering on dementia before they died when she could’ve politely and kindly asked me about it in a civilized manner? Apparently not and apparently this family does not love and support each other unconditionally, but that’s okay. I’m done bickering over petty shit that happened years ago, so yeah, I don’t want any drama. I have enough going on in my own life right now that needs to be dealt with. Besides, it’s okay to hurt me as far as they’re concerned. My feelings don’t matter.

If any of Tammy’s kids have what I’m told they have, I’m sorry. Really, I am. But while these things may suck to have to deal with and be very scary, they can be taken care of. 50 years ago, maybe not.

There’s more I could say to Tammy and her kids right now but I won’t for reasons I just stated. Also, if this is one of those rare times that she’s not playing things up, I don’t want her to go out of this world with us fighting.

For a while, I’ve had a feeling about that 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s thing. Larry died in his 50s. Parents died in their 80s. Been having feelings about Tammy dying in her 60s and me in my 70s. If I’m right, then technically I shouldn’t be too worried about my own health, but I was wrong about Tom’s mom dying at 87 or whatever the fuck it was. She’s 95 now. So yeah, I do worry at times about not living long enough to get out of this state someday be it because I throw in the towel because we can’t figure out how to stop my anxiety or because I’m surprised by something sneaking up on me be it a heart attack, stroke, cancer or whatever.

Later…

Three out of three appointments are now out of the way and I can now enjoy being appointment-free for 2 months… As long as there are no issues with the Liothyronine, of course. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of thinking I have longer than I actually do before the next appointment.

Felt great today and we both had our eye exams. Same doctor for the last 4 years or so. She has the same assistant too.

His vision hasn’t changed much but I’m more farsighted this year. I figured as much. I’ve noticed that I’ve been having trouble when using my phone and laptop.

According to the test I took on a site that sells glasses, I don’t have a round face like I thought I did but a pear-shaped face instead. My pupil distance is 53, which is on the small side. I’ve got a dark pink round frame picked out for my progressive/transition lenses and a purple rectangular pair for my mid-range lenses that I’ll use for my laptop. Tomorrow we’ll add in the prescription numbers and order. The pink pair is 14 g and the purple pair is 17 g.

She said my OH is stable and it doesn’t look like I’ll ever have to worry about getting glaucoma. His eyes were dilated but I opted out of that this year. Next year she’s going to take pictures of the inside of my eyes so she can make sure the optic nerve is still healthy.

We stopped at McDonald’s on the way out where I got chicken strips and he got burgers.

No bounding pulse today. It was pretty consistent yesterday and I’m still not sure why. Tom thinks it’s just stress. Well, then why didn’t I have this problem when I’d be stressing in the past? Different time, different situation, he said. I guess he has a point there.

Walmart now delivers in our town so we’re expecting a delivery in the morning. Like other stores, they don’t always have everything but they are cheaper and I do like their site better even if it’s not perfect. They also have a better selection than Raley’s and Safeway.

We were kind of pissed to get a bill for a grand for the steroid injection he had in his ear. I find it awfully hard to believe it cost that much. Actually more when you consider the part that the insurance paid.

As for Tammy… I still don’t know what to think. Despite having definite health issues, she is a hypochondriac and I would think I would have been told if she was really dying. I think she knew damn well what I met when I said I didn’t want any drama, too. This may sound funny, but if she’s hyping things up and is still alive in a year I’m going to be pissed. Implying that you’re dying when you’re not just because you’re pissed or you want attention is low. I mean really low.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2018 Managed to get through yesterday without feeling anxious and I’m doing okay today as well. Not great, but okay. Even when I’m not actually anxious I’m still stressed out and worried about the upcoming experiment and sometimes just worrying about being anxious can be bad enough. However, my bounding pulse is more noticeable today than anxiety. Definitely gotta ask my PCP about that in December. It’s getting old.

The experiment may start on Wednesday or Thursday instead of Friday because of a slight change in his schedule. He may work at home on Saturday night.

It really does seem like my whole problem has lied within my T4. This is what I’ve suspected all along too. It would explain why I go hyper while having hypo numbers, though my T4 was never actually hypo. I’ve always had a normal T4. It really does seem like my body feels best as long as my T4 remains at the very lower end of normal. I don’t understand why my pituitary gland keeps screaming for more but I’m hoping that the T3 (Liothyronine) will shut it the hell up since the louder it screams the more of a risk there is of enlarging my thyroid.

Charlotte R was in my dreams last night. Since people have shown up in my dreams twice that I remember right after they died, I checked the obits but she’s still alive. She would be very old now in her mid to late 80s.

In the dream, my mother was alive and I was with both of them and maybe some others in my childhood home. I don’t know if I was younger but my mother and Charlotte seemed like they were maybe in their 50s or 60s.

I came down the stairs dressed in pajamas and Charlotte looked at me funny and said something about suggesting a different style of pajamas or something like that.

“They’re only PJs,” I told her, with a dismissive wave of my hand.

Then she was looking from the living room into the kitchen but instead of a dining table being there, there were cabinets and shelves with some kind of boxes and containers.

“What the heck was that?” she asked and walked toward the boxes. Even though I didn’t see any mice, she decided one was trapped inside one of the boxes. Then she said, “Well, that mouse wants out,” and she started to adjust the boxes so it could get out.

“No, it doesn’t,” I assured her. “I know rats and mice may look similar but their behavior is different. I could tell you all the differences but that’d take too long and probably bore you. But I can assure you that mouse definitely does not want out.”

Speaking of mice, when I went into my main office in the living room and connected to the large monitor, I still experienced mouse jumping. Was hoping the upgrade would stop the jerking motion but I really can’t stand it in there anyway because of the loud daily landscaping that’s much easier to hear in there. My God, though, how many fucking times a week can you mow the same blades of grass and how many times can you blow the same fucking leaves?

Even trash day is a big production here. As horrible as Phoenix was, they drove up, dumped the trash, and then they were gone. But now it’s like they take forever, and as Tom said, they drive around aimlessly for no apparent reason.

We’re going to be ordering groceries from Prime Now to try it out sometime soon. It’s supposed to be same-day delivery.

Still waiting on the rat pillowcase from China. I guess it hasn’t cleared Customs yet. It was in San Francisco last I knew.

Wondering when I’m ever going to stop spotting. Really hope I get an even longer break before the next period!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2018 Reapplying the Return to Sender spell today and started praying to a God I don’t know exists or if it even gives a shit about me if it does. So far I’m oddly and wonderfully calm. I don’t know what to think at this point. I really don’t. I truly don’t understand why it’s so erratic. Why do I go hyper with hypo numbers? Again I wonder if there could be something else wrong with me that we don’t know about but that’s hard to believe with all the tests I’ve had done. Tom doesn’t think anything else is wrong either.

Someone recommended acupuncture, saying that her husband has OCD, PTSD and anxiety and it worked wonders for him after just 4 sessions. I doubt our insurance covers that but if I knew it would work, we would pay for it.

Aly said it didn’t do her dad any good for his back, but a Fitbit pal swears by it and goes monthly for help with anxiety and panic attacks.

The paramedics were at the stroke house again yesterday. I saw Virginia meet them. I guess it couldn’t have been too serious cuz they were here a while.

Because I stupidly removed the earbuds thinking I was getting up sooner than I did, traffic woke me up twice. Still slept better and feel more refreshed though not exactly bursting with energy, and the best thing is that I don’t remember a single dream from last night. Skin’s better too, so it was probably just a lotion thing. Regardless of Amy’s recommendations, Curél is still what my skin likes best.

Unfortunately, Aly’s current boyfriend, Cam, joined Ask and reached out to me with a question about whether or not I believe in witches. I answered politely and asked him a question in return but hesitated to get too involved. Knowing Aly’s fondness for nutjobs, I don’t want to become a potential target when the two of them break up in a few months. I can already tell he’s the type who would gladly in happily troll someone if he was pissed enough. He may not be crazy per se but he seems a little high on himself and controlling based on some of his answers and his bio which states he bends people to his will whether they like it or not. WeaknessSeeker is his username. I mean, come on. What does that alone tell you? Aly describes him as having a type-A personality.

Other than one leg still being sore, my bounding HR annoying me again, and the usual annoyances from landscaping, traffic and planes, not much else is going on at the moment.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2018 So much for thinking that only the nights bring out the depression in me because I’m pretty down right now. Yesterday I felt good but today I’ve got a lot of fatigue and my legs are sore as hell from the HIIT routine I did. I started to feel traces of anxiety and I even got a little teary-eyed because the upcoming Liothyronine experiment has me stressed out.

I’m just afraid of my worst fears being realized in the end where I’m stuck with this for life and we can never figure out what it is or how to fix it. That’s my worst fear right now. In some ways, this fear is greater than death itself, which has always been one of my greatest fears. I’m worried that because I floated up to where I was just bubbling underneath the surface of anxiety today it could mean I’m in for an anxious day tomorrow. Especially if the problem is the medication itself because now I’m taking it more often even if it’s a lower dose.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take the time to draft an “it’s a bust” message to Dr. O in hopes of jinxing things into working out in the end and not needing it, thus having it end up being a waste of time. But somehow I doubt that that will make a difference. If the problem is the medication itself, it’s not going away any time soon. If something up there is cursing me, it may never go away.

If this shit does go away I would need a good six months, preferably a year, before I could finally let out a long sigh of relief and declare victory over this demon. A few months isn’t enough when life has had a way of yanking the carpet out from under my feet when things run smoothly for a few weeks/months.

My hair and skin are dry, appetite is down, but that’s the least of my concerns right now. Keeping a daily log on Google Docs for my doc.

Last night’s dreams were long and disturbing. Well, one of them was.

In one dream I had lunch with Kathleen and the dentist was with us. Probably just a spam dream.

In another dream, I pulled out a clump of hair. Could be a sign that the Liothyronine is going to cause hair loss like the Levothyroxine initially did.

The kind of long, detailed dream like the last one I had is the kind that makes me wonder if it could have been a glimpse into another dimension. It was actually a series of continuing dreams. The first one started with us back in Arizona and living in a rural area. The house didn’t look anything like the house we had in Maricopa, though.

We were hanging outside when a woman drove up in a silver medium-size car and informed me that I was on unsupervised probation for the same shit I was supposedly vindicated for nearly 19 years ago. So we talked to this middle-aged lady with blonde shoulder-length hair. I guess I emailed something to the black bitch or was thinking about something I had emailed her a while back. I’m not sure which. But I guess I did something because, on another day in another dream, the same woman returned, also while we were outside. She informed me that they “found a partial email” I sent and therefore I would have to report.

I remained silent until she was getting back inside her car, turned to Tom and said, “There’s no fucking way they could have found anything.”

But I knew deep down I was guilty of something and wondered if I should keep that to myself or not. I also wondered what I should do if the police drove up if I failed to report, which I assumed would eventually happen, or if I should just go to the damn PO that I assumed would still be Scott.

Initially, I decided to remain stubborn, determined not to let history repeat itself. I was not going to be told what to do, where to do it, and when to do it.

Then one evening, just as the sun had almost completely set, I was home alone, nervous and paranoid as hell. I realized that it would be very hard to hide with all the windows we had and since we had no garage, we couldn’t hide Tom’s car when he was home. There was no way we could constantly hide in the dark at night without making a sound either.

Things aren’t what they were nearly 20 years ago, I thought to myself. You’re going to have to abandon your online life completely if you want to go underground.

Then I heard a vehicle approaching and saw headlights shining, though I couldn’t see who it was.

At this point, I woke up, fell back asleep and the dream continued yet again where Tom and I were out somewhere and I was expressing my concerns. He didn’t seem worried, though.

Next thing I know we’re at the probation office. I guess we decided to just deal with it after all. I sat in a waiting area and observed some woman and a guy behind the counter. I thought wow, if that’s Scott, he lost some weight and grew a little hair on his head. We figured the reason he always wore a cap in real life was that he was going bald.

Then we were finally led into a room and I realized the guy wasn’t Scott because he was too tall and his voice was different.

We all took seats, them on what looked like a twin bed, me on a chair, and briefly joked about something. Suddenly, I had a rat on my lap but no one seemed to notice or mind. I hoped it wouldn’t get too fidgety or take a dump during the meeting.

Then the guy went on to read some journal excerpts I’d written about my supposed polycythemia vera that I sent the black bitch and thought to myself, so the first email address I guessed from memory really did go through and really was the correct one.

I don’t know if I admitted sending the email or denied it because the dream ended at that point and didn’t continue on in another dream.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2018 It was with mixed emotions that I returned to my endocrinologist yesterday. She looked the best I’ve ever seen her and I like her hair longer (bet she’ll cut it by our next visit) even though she may have put on a few pounds, and while she may be one of the smartest doctors I’ve ever known, I would have preferred never to have to see her again on account of the on-and-off anxiety I’ve suffered for over 4 years now. Just when I think it’s gone for good (along with my period) back it comes with a vengeance!

I ended up leaving her office not so much feeling relieved but definitely feeling both nervous and hopeful. I don’t know how confident she is that the new regimen will help and I didn’t think to ask. All she said was that she hoped it would help since she’s been surprised by others who have responded better to Liothyronine. She said that due to the anxiety I’ve had she had been hesitant to try me on it. She wouldn’t want to try me on Armour because it’s too much, she said. I’ve heard that because it’s pig thyroid it’s not as consistent as the synthetic version.

I am to drop to 50 micrograms for one week and then add 5 micrograms of the Liothyronine which should put me where I was on 75s. Yes, I’m nervous about it, but as I told her, I’ve gotten pretty desperate and I need to try whatever I can possibly try. I guess that if worse comes to worst I’ll have to take just 50 micrograms of Levothyroxine only and leave it at that. I would be so devastated if I started having problems on that but as far as I remember, I didn’t have problems the last time I was on 50s. If I could just go more than 6 months without anxiety, then I could begin to think maybe we’ve figured out and solved the problem.

Levo is T4, Lio is T3. Funny that yet again that very unlucky number 4 is connected to the Levo, a drug that’s made me feel so horrible. I’m still nervous as hell, though, cuz they both list similar side effects. It’s scary because the anxiety and racing/booming heart it can cause is so awful and terrifying. It’s not like I might get a headache or gassy or something like that.

Oh, fuck! I just read that a single dose of Lio can reach its max effect in just 24 hours since it’s so powerful and can even cause cardiac arrest. Great. Just great.

Okay, so Tom and I did more research. It should only be risky if you’re in a coma or something and receiving it intravenously. It also seems to be a short-acting drug which is a bit comforting to know so it wouldn’t take weeks or even months to recover like when she tried me on 88s.

He suspects Doc O thinks the low thyroid is causing my anxiety and that Levo isn’t treating it properly. Not sure if I agree, though. I mean the 88s definitely caused anxiety and panic attacks. Definitely. But could the “stabbers” be the low thyroid? But then why didn’t I have the same problem before I was diagnosed?

As I also told her, I’m doing better overall than I was in 2014-2015, but why this comes and goes when my numbers have never shown me to be hyper, we have no idea. I didn’t seem to have anything wrong with my pituitary or adrenal glands when she checked them way back when, so I’m still thinking that the main culprit is probably what I’ve always suspected, something about the medication itself. It’s too extreme for perimenopause and I can’t believe I would just up and become this way for no reason and so late in life. So if it’s not the meds, then maybe it is something else related to the thyroid.

Anyway, I went to the lab right after I saw her which was on the main floor of the building. Despite the horrible traffic to and from the place at least it has a lab in the building.

When I first entered the Endocrinology Department, it was actually kind of dead. In the past, it was usually crowded. I was checked in by a beautiful young woman with perfect teeth who was so friendly for such a good-looking woman. Usually, women that pretty are snobs.

I was taken in by a nurse who seemed kind of bored, mechanically going through the motions of her job.

BP and HR were slightly high.

The doctor opened the door slowly when she came in, so she knew Tom was there. Did she spot us from an office on the way in or did the nurse tell her I wasn’t alone?

I told her of the symptoms I’ve been having, including the bounding pulse but she didn’t seem worried. She listened to my heart, felt my thyroid, and checked my hands for tremors. My lungs were tight enough afterward that I needed a hit off my inhaler but that was probably due to stress.

What was strange was the doctor’s overall demeanor. I can’t really put a finger on it and describe exactly how she was acting. It wasn’t anything she said although she did seem to talk less and listen more this time around. I swear in her message to me she said she wanted to see me to go over “all the issues” with Liothyronine. Yet the only thing she really said about the stuff was that it can cause the same problems Levothyroxine can cause when it’s too much.

The way she moved and the expression on her face makes me think of anything from amusement to being uncomfortable with me to having a thing for me. Could it be that she was thinking of Peter and perhaps a bit embarrassed? I don’t know what to think or make of the airs she gave off but if I didn’t know any better I would wonder if she was into me in some way or at least liked what she saw yesterday. I can’t believe the last one is the case, though. The last time I saw her I sensed both discomfort and impatience coming from her. She was very businesslike and didn’t even crack a smile that I recall. Again, it’s very hard to subscribe but she was totally different this time. As good as I am with words, I can’t quite put my finger on this one or find the correct words to describe it. It’s times like that that I wish Aly could’ve been a fly on the wall just long enough to observe the scene and give me her opinion. She’s extremely intuitive and smart. I’d like to think I am as well at times but I’m stumped on this one. It’s not important as long as she helps me. I’m just naturally curious. I also have a gut feeling saying she reads my blog. Maybe not regularly but enough to get a general sense of what’s up with me.

She was complaining about the new computer system they just got. Yeah, change sucks. It’s frustrating as there are always problems and new things to learn. They changed the portal, too. Not sure if it’s better or not.

I’m to return to the lab and see her in a couple of months. In fact, I see her the same day I see Dr. A. It’d be great to get them both over with on the same day.

In case I didn’t already say so, I absolutely love my new White Water Fairy. She really does look like she’s kneeling in water! You can also see the finely detailed painted purple flowers on part of her dress better in person than online. Love her long auburn hair too.

We went to the Goodwill before my appointment yesterday but didn’t find anything interesting there. We also picked up “Butterboy,” as I’m calling our butterfly betta, a pastel-colored castle hideaway but he doesn’t seem interested in it. So $14 wasted unless you want to consider it a cute decoration.

With yet ANOTHER project (by Bob & Virginia) I worry about being woken up too soon this week. As is usually the case, this obviously isn’t just a day or two kinda job. I can hear vehicle doors slamming which sound like doors in apartments, and some pounding. No saying for sure that the sound machines will override it.

Furthermore, on top of the usual landscaping and traffic, that fucking car came and went 2-3 times today. Enough that it may as well just live here. God, I hope that doesn’t become a regular thing again! Love how I haven’t heard that obnoxious mutt, though.

Amazed at how fat my outdoor potted cactus has gotten!

Oh, here are my lab results. Results are as shitty as expected. T3 & T4 are normal and I’m just on the edge of menopausal. However, my TSH is 27! I showed her all the skips I charted on Google Docs on my phone so she wasn’t surprised.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2018 We got a beautiful blue male butterfly betta at Petco yesterday. He seems much healthier and much more alert and curious than Flaky did. He’s a very nimble swimmer and this time around we went with no gravel at all and wish we’d done that from the get-go. They definitely seem to like this better because the bottom is smooth for them to rest on and there’s no worrying about their delicate fins being dragged along the rough gravel or torn. He does have his leaf hammock and a few artificial plants, though. We may eventually add a hideaway as long as he lives. After losing the other one in just a week, we want to make sure this one fares well. As it was, one of the many betta fish at the store was dead.

Flaky was beautiful but this one’s even more beautiful and twice as expensive. Like with Flaky he has a dark blue-black head with a royal blue body and the tips of his fins, unlike Flaky’s, are white. No hints of green or red hues like Flaky had, though. He’s more of a vivid electric blue. Within a day he was swimming up for the flakes of food I would drop in for him. He’s not nearly as shy as Flaky started off to be. He’s got his bubble game on, so I’d say he’s definitely happy.

Backing up to last Thursday and Friday. I felt absolutely horrible those days. I was wound up, my heart raced, I felt weak and lightheaded, and I would get winded rather easily despite being in decent shape. I still sometimes get that strange humming sensation in my head too.

I went out walking both days to make sure I got some sun exposure but still felt awful.

Took my nail polish off and let my nails clear up and they have cleared up nicely. They just have the ridges they’ve always had. Putting on the last of my designer falsies tomorrow but then no more. They’re just too much of a pain in the ass as cool as they look. So, dark metallic green with silver accents then it’s back to regular polish.

I’ve been taking my medication every other day and definitely stressed out about tomorrow’s appointment with Dr. O. I worry that there are no options for me but that’s what I thought with my LS even though, strangely enough, I’ve been waking up itchy the last few days. I hope using the Tacrolimus once a day is enough! Even more so, I hope I do go into remission.

Friday I was horribly tired but part of that may have been cuz I was hung-over from taking a Zyrtec the night before.

I’m just tired of feeling like shit half the time or more! I struggle way too much of the time both physically and emotionally and it’s just not right. Never knowing what you’re in for each day is no way to live. As I’ve always said, this is absolutely not normal for me. I’m desperate enough to try any alternative but I’m also scared at the same time as I still do have a medication phobia. Worst case scenario, I stick to what I’m on and just lower my dose. At first I was thinking that I couldn’t turn these 75s into 50s since the pill cutter cuts pills in half, but then I realized that after I cut them in half I could take a cut half and cut that in half as well, and then dump the other half of that half, duh. That will amount to about 56 micrograms.

I forgot to mention that Amy said they never got the info regarding the biopsy I had done with Sutter after signing a form for a release of info. My first thought was, now why oh why does that not surprise me in the least? Figured Alyssa would give me a hard time with that. I let her have it on Facebook for it too, not that I expect she’ll ever see the message. If she does, she certainly isn’t going to say anything about it or react in any way.

Anyway, I’m nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I know what a talker she is and I’m worried she’s not going to let me get much of a word in edgewise even though I have several things to share with her and ask her. I’m even more worried that there are no alternatives for me and that I’m going to continue to suffer most of the time indefinitely if not for the rest of my life. I’m feeling hopeless enough to seriously start thinking about ending it all at the end of the year or thereabouts. I’ve had enough! Tom feels confident that suffering forever won’t be the case and says it’s only logical that I would eventually get better but after 4+ years it’s hard for me to be as optimistic. This is the last thing I can think of to try to help myself. So if no other drug helps and cutting back doesn’t help, then what’s left for me?

I’m also getting tired of how everything I eat is a problem for me. If it isn’t something that’s got too much cholesterol, sugar or sodium, then it makes me have a gassy or upset stomach in some kind of way. I’ve been trying to have more fiber to keep regular. Oh, I’m regular all right. Too regular. So just what can I eat that isn’t going to be a problem in some way?

Maybe I ought to try partial fasting since it’s not as bad for you as a lot of people think. I’ll verify it with the doctor tomorrow but it’s actually good for you. Sort of like a detox for the body. It should only be bad for your metabolism if you do it too long. Furthermore, Tom told me he just read about a study they did on type 2 diabetes. In the experiment, they had some people fast every other day and some fast for 3 days a week. They no longer needed medication afterward!

Tom decided that rather than pay $600 to get a hearing aid that only they can control and that he can’t set up and adjust on his own, he’s going to get these things called Hearphones for $500 on Amazon that he can tweak himself at any time. In fact, they’re coming today. They’re crossovers that will hopefully help with distortion. He says they may even help me in noisy situations. If I’m in a noisy store or restaurant, it can be hard to hear him. I hear him, I just don’t always understand what he’s saying but he does talk softly.

Yesterday morning we went to Sam’s Club before we got the betta and for $20 I decided to get this kids’ chemistry kit where you make your own perfume, lip gloss and bath bombs. Making the perfume was simple enough but the shitty instructions caused me to screw up the lip gloss. Not only that but the roller ball in the bottles doesn’t work well. I hate that when roller balls get stuck!

Haven’t attempted the bath bombs yet.

We updated my computer from Sierra to Mojave and so far it seems to help with the mouse jumping. When hooked up to my large monitor, it was causing a herky-jerky motion of the mouse. It could still start up at some point but so far so good.

“You’ve already shared that dog pic,” someone said on my LR Ask account.

Andy? Hmm… Aly says it’s not her and if she’s telling the truth could it be that German-speaking nurse in Serbia? But Tatiana usually asks me questions in German, if she does, and that doesn’t seem like something she would say. But Andy definitely would.

The thing is that I already shared the dog pic on my DI account. Not LR. So it’s someone who’s aware of both accounts. To my knowledge, this could only be Andy, Aly or Tatiana. I just didn’t think Andy would remember my LR account or even his login to his own original Ask account. He either logged into his first account where he would probably still be following LR and noticed I was using it again, or he remembers that account. He may also have been following it from his second Ask account, though, now that I think of it.

Last night I had this dream some tough guy and his girlfriend and I were talking and I was telling him he was going to hit the wrong woman someday. Someone like me.

“I fight back,” I said.

Then a little while later I was walking through some neighborhood with very short streets. The same guy rounded a corner and startled me and after I said I almost kicked the crap out of him for it until I realized who it was, I asked what he was doing.

“Turning the water off,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“So they’ll refuse to fix it.”

I knew this meant that someone was going to be working on the pipes in the area the following day and he didn’t want them doing that for some reason.

Then I was walking down a flight of stairs outdoors at night with two women that I was either working for or living with. They said something about getting railings put up since it could be dangerous going up and down the stairs in the dark.

Then I was talking to a guy about taking a bus somewhere because Tom would be unable to drive me somewhere I needed to be the next day and transferring buses along the way.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2018 Really like the last perfume sample I got by Jean Paul Gaultier. It’s the best one yet.

I did some research and it seems like what I have may be called a bounding pulse. There can be many reasons for it but it definitely seems like my main problem is sodium. The more I have, the more my blood pressure spikes and the more I feel and notice the pulse in the side of my neck. I don’t know why my body is reacting this way lately to sodium but I guess it’s just age.

My appointment yesterday went well. Amy can see the improvement and there’s a chance it may be curable after all. I don’t want to get my hopes up but there was a study done where a handful of people used Tacrolimus for 10 months and went into remission. The thing is that Amy doesn’t know when the study was done and how long the participants remained in remission. She said if I don’t hear from her in 2 weeks to call her for more info. She’s going to check into it for me.

For now, she recommends moisturizing cream as opposed to lotion. I didn’t know there was a difference between the two but I guess lotion has more alcohol in it and can be more drying. She gave me a goodie bag with all kinds of samples. I have like 4-5 different products and a total of 20 samples to try.

She checked the red spot on my shoulder and didn’t think it looked suspicious. I told her about the one my PCP froze with liquid nitrogen. She said if it becomes a problem she can freeze it off but doesn’t think it’s any big deal. She looked at the sprinkling of “zits” on my upper arm which is very hard to see but I can feel. It’s that actinic keratosis. This is similar to what I had on my back but I don’t think they’ll become the same problem that will need a blast of liquid nitrogen. She wasn’t worried about it. The itchy red bumps I get under my arms, however, are also LS, as LS prefers areas that get moist. She said I can use the Tacrolimus there when I get irritation.

I also asked her about the scars on my forearm from my stupid days and she said that if they were raised and reddish they could probably do something about them but since they’re flat and white, probably not. She said there’s a place that does laser procedures but it costs thousands and isn’t guaranteed. So I’ll pass!

I go back for a follow-up in June.

I continue to worry about Tom and the kidney pain he’s been having and the way he’s neglecting to get a PCP. Somehow it’s all my fault, too. At least that’s the way he makes me feel, saying all my appointments and research I asked him to do wears him out even though he says he wants me to take care of all my appointments. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. Take care of things so I can cut back the appointments. I don’t have to see Amy or my ENT until June and my next dental check-up isn’t until March. Meanwhile, I don’t expect the eye exam to spawn any additional appointments but I can’t say for sure about Dr. O. Believe me, I’m a lot sicker of all these problems and appointments than he is!

He says it’s important that he works to support us and I understand that he needs to work since I can’t supplement our income but as I reminded him, he can’t work if he’s in the hospital or dead because he let things get out of hand. So I told him that if I stop asking about how he feels, it isn’t that I stopped caring or worrying but because it seems to bother him when I do ask. I will start doing my own research, which I usually do anyway and had only asked him in case he came up with additional info, but it’s not my fault if something’s wrong with him and I don’t think he should use my appointments or anything else as an excuse to neglect his health.

Most of the soreness in my boobs is gone but I’m still spotting. :( Still getting that strange “humming” or vibrating sensation in my head at times, too.

Looking forward to this cute white pond fairy with really long auburn hair on Saturday. We also got things in preparation for whatever new fish we end up getting this weekend which could be a betta, tetras or both. There is actually a type of tetra that can live with bettas just fine. I really like the GloFish. Our 3-gallon tank would be a little small for the bigger ones but Danios would be fine if we found some we liked.

The Brita water filter pitcher arrived and I wish I’d gotten it a long time ago! It makes the tap water almost completely tasteless like our bottled water. I think I’m going to use it in the Keurig and the fish tank along with a special chemical you add to make the water even safer for fish, but I will continue to drink bottled water and use that for the plants and rats as well. After doing some research, I found that filtered water should be fine for fish. Besides, the tank has its own filter as well. He printed out a screen to keep them from getting sucked into the bottom of it and we also ordered a new heater.

I had some weird dreams last night. In one of the dreams, a character from one of my stories was driving us to the center of this town that displayed a large number each year, though I’m not sure what the number represented. I said to “Michelle,” “Look, the number is always the same number of years we’ve been together.”

Then I had a dream that I was browsing through a store and I noticed the same particular fabric with the same colors and design on yet another style of clothing. I had seen it on purses and other apparel and this time it was on a sundress.

Then I was driving somewhere and I was absolutely terrified.

Then Tom and I got into some silly argument over abortion. More like a debate but either way he seemed to be against it even though he is pro-choice like I am. I said something to the effect of us using birth control rather than following instinct.

In the last dream, Scott and Tom were present and we were heading somewhere. Tom walked out the door of some large room and Scott was about to follow when he told me to pull my panties up. I was wearing nothing but a pair of plain white panties as if that was perfectly normal and was struggling to pull them up even though they didn’t seem to want to budge, haha.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2018 I’ve had a definite rough night and it has nothing to do with anxiety, fatigue, or anything like that. Instead, we lost Flaky.

When I got up I noticed his “tail” caught in the filter. I immediately ran and unplugged the filter and thought he would be okay. However, he struggled to rise from the floor of the tank. All he could do was sort of slither along the bottom. I thought he was a bit injured and perhaps a bit in shock as well but would eventually recover.

With him in the kitchen, I returned to the bedroom where my laptop was and heard this strange knocking sound I’ve never heard before. My immediate thought was that it was some kind of nocturnal animal underneath the house. A skunk, a possum, a raccoon… I didn’t think much of it. A few minutes later I heard it again but still didn’t think much of it. Then I went back into the kitchen to find him gone.

Although I always try to be a realist in that I look for scientific proof and evidence in things and try not to assume anything based on wishful thinking, I thought of the knocking and wondered if it could possibly be his way of saying goodbye. I’m not sure if there’s an afterlife but it was definitely a weird coincidence and I haven’t heard the knocking again since. I would think there’s some kind of logical explanation for it but I’ll just have to wait and see if I hear it again.

Then Tom got up who didn’t get home until after I crashed yesterday. He told me he was sure he didn’t die because he got caught in the filter but because he was having trouble swimming and that’s why he got caught in the filter. He thinks something was wrong with him when he got home. He was acting sick and like he was having trouble swimming.

So with sadness, since Flaky had adjusted well and seemed like a very bright, alert and friendly little guy who would swim right up to me when I would put my fingertips in the water, I flushed him down the toilet and said goodbye.

Then I took a shower and we went for a walk. Now, when I got up I wasn’t having any bleeding and thought my period might have been over as of yesterday even though that’s not what my still sore boobies were telling me. Sure enough, after we went walking, mixing in a bit of running, it ended up causing me to flow like a river. It’s beyond frustrating and disappointing but it is just my shit luck and now I realize that not only does this reset the one-year clock I was within 6 weeks of hitting, but that I’m anything but menopausal. I may not be for several years to come. Although unlikely, it really is possible to get a period every so often throughout most of your 50s. I did read that no one in their 60s has ever had periods so that’s good.

I also realize this still leaves my hormones wide open to affecting my moods. I still believe the medication is the main culprit and I always have but now I realize that some of the anxiety could be attributed to that. I just hope it’s a little longer before my next period, and yes, there will be a next one. I know better now. So I have resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be in the perimenopause stage for quite some time to come even though I just read that the average woman in the U.S. has her final period at age 52 and I’m still 52.

That isn’t it. Oh no, there’s been quite a bit of action today. I nearly burned the fucking house down. I don’t know why I did something so stupid but I took the filter and heater out of the tank, forgetting to unplug them first, and placed them on a towel because they were wet. Then I dumped the 3-gallon tank and suddenly I could smell burning plastic. That was when I looked and saw smoke coming from the heater which I immediately yanked out of the plug and doused with water in the sink. My lungs are a bit tight now. Glad I have an inhaler but I shouldn’t need it!

I am seriously beginning to wonder if something is trying to stop us from having fish. And then I had this crazy thought about our beloved long gone but never forgotten Tinkerbell, and it’s not the first time I’ve had this thought either. We’ve had such shitty luck with pets overall since coming to this state 11 years ago that a part of me wonders if there is an afterlife and if she is there saying, “Oh no, I was the queen. No pets allowed that are even remotely as good as I was!”

Tinkerboy was a good rat and Sugar was an outstanding one but then he had a stroke. And now this friendly little fish is gone. What, was Tinkerbell up there thinking he was too friendly to be our pet that he must be replaced with a timid fish that always runs and hides whenever we walk in the room? Again, I’ve always tried to be a realist, logical and base things on science and don’t see how an afterlife or reincarnation is very plausible. But every now and then some weird things happen that make me wonder. I mean, I’m proof that people can have dream premonitions yet there’s no explanation for knowing the unknown, is there?

I wonder why my dreams didn’t warn me about Flaky but I certainly don’t see everything coming my way. I did have a dream my parents were alive and we were hanging out with Caroll Spinney. Anyway, in the dream, I asked him to do his Big Bird voice for my parents and he did. Yet my parents didn’t seem the least bit fazed.

I learned something interesting about Ask. I was a naughty girl and anonymously said something I knew would annoy Aly as a prank. Even though it was just one thing, she blocked me. I didn’t think you could block anonymous questions but then why wouldn’t you be able to when you now need to have an account, after all? I don’t know why it let me “heart” some of her answers but she never received any of my questions even though I never got a message saying that I’ve been blocked. So I’m just assuming that’s what happened even though the site is notorious for glitches. This was the Dusty Illusions account that I used mostly with Andy.

I then realized he probably did harass me as well only I never saw the questions cuz I had him blocked. This is only if Aly blocked me. If she did, then you can apparently still ask questions; they just won’t be visible to whom you’re asking.

So I decided to delete the Dusty account and reactivate Lady Rainbow and I also unblocked Andy because I’m curious to see what happens. I don’t think he remembers that account but we’ll see. I won’t ask Aly anything with my name showing so that if he’s watching her, it won’t flag his attention.

Since I couldn’t tell Aly I’m switching accounts because I sent her a nasty question and she blocked me, I told her it was because that account not only is less associated with Andy but is also plugged into an email address that still exists, and this is the truth. Dusty Illusions is connected to my old MyOpera email which is no good since the site went down 8 years ago and it won’t let me change it.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2018 Here we go again with my “gift” that I don’t exactly feel grateful for or see as a gift. I’m 52 years old, hadn’t had a period in nearly 11 months, and was pretty sure I’d hit menopause. On September 29th, I dreamed I told Stacey that I was so pissed to find I had a period starting after going nearly a year. Although the dream gave me a bad feeling and I knew deep down it meant something, I tried to push it out of my mind. But then a couple of days ago I noticed I started feeling a bit PMSy. Can you guess what happened yesterday? Yeah, you guessed it. Now the dream is an official premonition. rolls eyes This is just one of many negative dream premonitions I’ve had over the years.

I said to Tom, “Why can’t I ever see good stuff coming in my dreams?” I just got an adorable kitty figurine from Amazon that I randomly spotted when browsing the site. Now why couldn’t I have dreamed of spotting a cute little kitty figurine, then spotting one for real as I did? LOL

So I went 6 or 7 months before a period, then 10.5 months, so maybe next time I’ll go 14-15 months.

I don’t think it means anything but I also dreamed that someone asked if I was scared and my dream self automatically knew I had terminal cancer. I just said, “yup” in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

Not the kind of dream a person like me wants to have (or even non-psychics) but I really don’t think it means anything.

Really getting sick of the “insufficient energy” messages I’ve been getting and how some sites run snail-slow because of it. Or maybe it’s connected to the monitor. I know I’m getting tired of the mouse jumping that I’m contemplating doing away with the monitor altogether as much as it helps me see better.

I showed Aly, who was diagnosed with severe anemia years ago, a picture of my cloudy, whitish unpolished nails and she said that that’s what hers look like. She said symptoms include pain on the left side of the breast, pale skin, feeling cold to the point of having chills, weakness and sudden fatigue. But many things can cause fatigue and I get cold easily.

She said she’s never seen ridges as bad as mine and asked if it could be a health issue but as far as I know it’s just how I am. Maybe I’ll go with unpolished nails to Dr. O and see what she thinks.

Interestingly enough, I read that low iron can cause anxiety. So they’re either not testing my iron like we think they are or it’s recently become a problem if there’s a connection at all. It could just be all the polish and remover but why now? It’s not like I recently started polishing my nails. I always have polish on my nails. Always.

In Bleederville, I’m still between spots and a light flow and my tits are still a bit sore. Wouldn’t be surprised if the dam burst into a full flow in a day or two.

Had some neck knockers in my sleep and I’m definitely feeling fatigued right now but that’s probably the period. Bleeders are iron suckers. Some things make sense now…the intense hunger I had for a few days, my weight up a few pounds, getting stuck when I was 155. That usually doesn’t happen until I hit down at 152-153. I’m 155 right now and I haven’t gone. I don’t want to either after yesterday’s butt explosion. Yeah, I may have hemorrhoids if it isn’t my LS that caused the bleeding when I took a dump yesterday. My shit has been hard lately which can cause hemorrhoids. I think it was more likely that than the LS.

Just went, actually, but my ass remained gratefully intact.

The buzzing sensation in my head gets annoying but my BP hasn’t been high lately and I’ve been monitoring it closely.

My schedule better not back up anymore because now I’m on for 5 AM Dr. O day. I don’t want to deal with her after being up 12 or more hours. If it keeps slowing down as it has been I just might make Dr. A after all.

My shower is no longer usable as water leaks out from under the door so much that I may as well shower with it open. I think the plastic guard underneath came loose but I can still freshen up in there cuz water doesn’t hit the door when I do that like it does when I shower. No problem. I can just use Tom’s shower. One of the things I like about my 2-in-1 Pantene is that while it makes my hair a little less manageable, it stays cleaner longer so I don’t always have to wash it every day.

Later…

We installed the prism window cling in the laundry room and it looks great. Maybe in a few years, for variety, I’ll get this blue floral design that will make it look like a stained glass window.

The Hawaiian course is “hatching” but still in beta and not all the lessons or sounds are there. I guess I should wait a while.

I sent one final message assuring Nissan that I would never contact her again after this unless I was contacted but that I think it’s pretty sad that some people harbor so much hate, resentment and animosity in their hearts over such petty nonsense from decades ago. I was young, for God’s sake, and I think it’s safe to say she was guilty of similar things. I mean come on, does she really think I don’t think she was behind some of those prank phone calls any more than I think Maliheh wasn’t behind the ones I got in South Deerfield?

I noticed she went and hid her friend list as small as it was and next, she’ll probably block me but I don’t care. No account is sacred to me. Especially if we haven’t paid them anything.

I know everyone is different and we all have a right to be how we are but it just seems like such an extreme reaction to what happened. Yet people can be so hateful and unforgiving for the dumbest of things. Again, where’s all this forgiveness the world preaches? No one seems to actually act on it but hey, sometimes I wish I was just as unforgiving.

Went to Walgreens yesterday morning and I got a pair of small “diamond” barrettes. They’re too small to hold all my hair but if I want to put the sides back they’re good for that.

I also got blue nail polish by Vinylux which is an expensive but great brand of high-quality polish. It lasts longer than most polishes though you still need two coats. At first, I didn’t like it because it’s such a dark shade of blue that’s almost navy and even looks black in dim lighting but it’s kind of growing on me.

Flaky really seems to be avoiding his brightly colored gravel so after finding things online suggesting they really do get stressed by bright colors, I removed the neon gravel. This kicked up a lot of debris and I really think I should change all of his water every week instead of just half of it.

Skipped my meds today and the day before yesterday. I’m a little fatigued and lightheaded but feeling better than I felt earlier. I just want to get all my fucking appointments over with!

It almost depresses me to think how long Tom has before he retires. I always loved spending most of my time alone but now I definitely don’t care for it. Hell, I’d love to go back to the days when I didn’t feel the way I feel so much of the time now, wishing he wasn’t around so damn often like when he was unemployed, never having appointments or needing medication.

The shower door in the master bedroom which is a piece of shit is leaking. That’s the one with the door that opens outward. The water guard on the bottom is bent so we’ll have to replace it again. I know this place isn’t as old as some of the places I’ve lived in but damn am I sick of old places! Please tell me our next place will be built in this millennium! Seriously, it’s no real big deal because I can still freshen up there and take showers in the bigger shower which I prefer anyway.

I wonder if they ever had the Oktoberfest concert they were supposed to have yesterday? I hope they got it out of their system while I slept because I hate it when I have to listen to the bass-thumping when I’m awake and be forced to drown it out with the sound machine or something. I absolutely hate it when others force their activities on me!

Not sure if I mentioned the adorable rat pillowcase I ordered from China with a picture of a rat on it eating a candy bar. I have one of those gel cushions on my desk chair and I think I’ll use it there.

Tom uploaded OSX’s latest operating system, Mojave, and he’ll use it for a week to test it out. If there are no problems we’ll load it onto my computer.

I had a dream I was jogging through the park at night. I was just coming around by the RVs and heading to Oak Lake. As I went to turn onto OL, I looked out the front gate at some strange bluish light just beyond.

Then all of a sudden I had this shopping cart at my side. I don’t know what was in it but this strange woman who morphed into Kathleen was curious about its contents and started sifting through the items. I asked what she was looking for and she said, “I should get some serious favors for all these questions.”

“Just tell me what you want done and I’ll do it,” I told her.

Then I was in the hall of an apartment building and could hear her arguing with some guy. One of the apartment’s doors was open and I knew it was Kathleen’s place. I stepped into the apartment and didn’t see anyone. Then I stepped back out into the hall where a black woman was passing through with an amused expression on her face which I knew was on account of the bickering. I stopped her and said, “I’m deaf in one ear and can’t tell the direction of sound. Can you tell me where those voices are coming from?”

She pointed upward and then walked on.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2018 Flaky, as I’ve been calling the betta because of the way he prefers flakes to pellets, now has some artificial plants and a leaf hammock in his tank. So far he seems unimpressed with all of it. He probably just needs time to get used to it. It seemed to take him a while to get used to his brightly colored gravel. I guess bright colors can stress some fish out. I probably should have gotten neutral-colored gravel since that is what they’re used to in the wild, after all.

He warmed up to me rather quickly. He doesn’t seem to mind it at all when I stick my hand in the tank. He was actually more afraid of the damn plants than of me, LOL.

I also got my new kitty figurine and I totally love it! Very cute, realistic, and life-size. They’re typically intended for gardens but I don’t want to throw something so beautiful outdoors to be spoiled by the elements. It’s just too adorable to eventually end up dirty and faded by the sunlight. The next one I want to get is a playful Jack Russell Terrier.

I also got the final round of bamboos to complete the organizer. I got 10 stalks and I’m not sure what they are. The rings are further apart than on the lotuses but they’re closer than on the regular bamboos. The leaves sort of resemble that of the lotus but are placed a little further down the stems.

Last week was the first week I was on nights and didn’t get woken up while sleeping during the daytime. Slept with a bamboo on the headboard shelf and I wonder if it helped safeguard my sleep. Really wish they could safeguard me from anxiety! Was borderline yesterday and so far I’m okay today. I skipped yesterday but not today.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2018 We got the betta set up in the new tank and he’s definitely happier there. He’s been making bubble nests in the top corner of the tank. According to what I looked up, it has to do with breeding. Well, he isn’t getting a girlfriend!

The artificial plants going in the betta’s tank will be here tomorrow. For now, he has colorful gravel with a mix of pink, blue and green.

The filter is gentle enough so that the farthest corner of his tank is almost still and the heater keeps him at about 78 degrees.

I continue to have random BP spikes and I sometimes get this strange vibration in my head. This “humming” sensation of sorts. Worst of all, I was surprisingly anxious yesterday and well past the amount of time it usually lasts after taking my meds. Totally dismayed too, of course, and feeling hopeless where that’s concerned. Unless my endo can work some kind of miracle, I may literally be forced off the medication my body otherwise needs. Again I find myself wondering if there’s something up there and if it deliberately gave me a disease in which it knew damn well I couldn’t handle the medication to treat it with. It’s a scary thought to think something up there could do that to me but I still say it’s unlikely there’s anything up there at all. I really hope not! Either way, I really thought it would be a while before the next bout of anxiety. Really, I’m just SICK of this fucking game! Sick of trying to figure it out year after year and getting nowhere. Do I literally have to die to stop it?

Anyway, I’ve skipped today but also surprisingly, I’m still slightly wound up. Went out for a half-hour walk and now I’m doing the laundry as Tom sleeps.

Aly sure is becoming angrier these days, mostly due to political shit going on and corrupt politicians. I understand her anger but nothing is going to change the twisted world we live in and make it fair. I realize it’s pointless to get angry over things that can’t be changed. I don’t like them but I accept them.

I slept better last time around and I think this is the first week I ever slept during the daytime without traffic waking me up. Really wish I discovered these sleeping earbuds half a decade ago! They may not have existed then, though. Watch, now traffic will get even louder. Seriously, I still wake up enough on my own but as I said, I slept better. Didn’t even have to take anything. I was so tired. I fell asleep a little earlier and slept longer.

When I got up to pee, though, in the middle of my sleep, I swear my boobs felt sore as if they were watery like they would get before periods and I automatically remembered the dream where I was telling Stacey I got a period after nearly a year.

I had a dream that Liz was working in some kind of cafe that was possibly in an apartment building Tom and I was living in. One time I went there for coffee and asked if I could keep the mug for a while until I finished my coffee. Liz nodded and I left. A few hours later I headed down a long corridor and could see Liz sitting behind the counter at the end of it. She had her hair curly. I reached into our apartment that was off the corridor and grabbed the mug as well as a necklace I might have wanted to give her.

In another dream, Tom seemed kind of down in this place we were living in that was laid out differently than where we live here. I asked if he was okay and he said something about a money problem and held up a small piece of paper. For some reason, we were without a physical address for a few months which he referred to as a “drop-off.”

“Whenever there’s a drop-off,” he said, “there are always problems.”

In the next dream or possible dimension, I was living in yet another place that also didn’t look anything like any place I ever lived in before and was very small. I had the back door off the kitchen open when a teenage boy with dark hair and eyes suddenly appeared at the screen door. He asked if I could write and said something about winning money for it or being paid or something like that.

I told him I was a writer and let him in. He had a much younger sibling with him and I didn’t want the nosy brat messing with my devices which its brother didn’t seem to care to watch. So I picked up my phone and a tablet and placed them out of reach. Then I was in the living room talking to the guy when I realized there was no writing job or contest and that he was definitely up to no good. My dream mind reeled with the best way to get out of the situation and I told him I had something interesting to show him in the backyard. Not sure how that dream ended.

The only other dream I remember was looking up my lab results online.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2018 Jean Paul Gaultier is going to be the next perfume sample I receive. I’ve heard of him before but I don’t know that I’ve ever had his perfume.

Had some real rain for the first time in months. There was even some thunder. At one point it was so loud I would have had trouble hearing my show if I were watching TV. I know whose TV I won’t be hearing much of tonight! Probably won’t be much flying either. That’s okay. I would much rather the sound of the rain.

A few nights ago I heard about a dozen gunshots. They came from the East. Pretty sure that’s what it was anyway. The last two shots sounded farther and farther away as if the person shooting was running or in a moving vehicle.

I dreamed about some sort of family reunion where we got together with members of his family. Mary and his mother were there only he didn’t seem too happy about it while I was for some reason.

Nissan’s lack of a reply - and I know she’s been around because she changed her profile picture on one of her accounts - is a classic reminder of the hatred and grudges so many people harbor within their hearts decades after the fact and over silly things, too.

I realize that even though I didn’t do a damn thing wrong to my cousins, say I had sent them a message saying I was sorry and wished them well and hoped to hear from them and all that; I never would have. In reality, I can just imagine all the lies they’ve been told that they believe and I have no doubt that others probably pulled various pranks on them that they automatically assumed I was behind.

Either way, the point is that I don’t understand all this preaching of forgiveness when very few people are willing to actually do it. It amazes and saddens me just how many people will remain angry for little to no reason decade after decade. But I would also be lying if I said I didn’t wish I was more like most people in that respect because then I wouldn’t bother to reach out to people who are just going to ignore me in the end. Or turn on me at some point. I wish I could’ve had it in me to not give Kathleen my number but I didn’t want to seem rude and I knew she wouldn’t call anyway.

A few days ago I started having more burning and itching similar to the kind I would have when not treating myself with anything. Not a severe burning sensation that almost makes you feel like you’ve been cut like the steroids gave me, but just general inflammation and itchiness. So I skipped a dose and the irritation backed off.

I’m both eager and nervous about my upcoming appointment with Dr. O. When I’m feeling my worst I’m willing to try anything new to stop that feeling from returning. But once it comes down to actually trying something, if I do, I’m going to be terrified, of course. Well, I can at least get more info and then decide what to do from there. Worst case scenario, I will have to skip the stuff I’m on periodically as the anxiety kicks up. It’s really too bad I can’t stand it when it does because I may be able to get some weight off if I could.

For now, I’m hoping I don’t get depressed now that I’m pretty much on nights. We’ll see if the full spectrum light helps, though I’m not flaring right now and my TSH should be too high for me to have anxiety from the medication for another month or so.

Was watching this Barbie hack on YouTube and it showed a woman dipping the hair of an old Barbie with knotted hair into fabric softener to make it easy to brush. So I went and tried that on one of my BFF dolls and it improved it a little but definitely didn’t make it easy. Her hair is pretty gnarled and tattered. I just threw it in a ponytail because it looks shabby and I’m not going to keep this doll forever anyway. Her joints are way too loose. Hey, she’s a Goodwill doll. That’s where she came from and that’s where she’ll eventually return to.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2018 The “bad guy” who dares to support his disabled wife in the oh-so-independent US that the government doesn’t give a shit about and who isn’t really “disabled” if others don’t get it or can’t see it, like with someone in a wheelchair, let his forgetful wife forget to do his ear. LOL, he’s been throwing peroxide and alcohol in it to break down the wax in preparation for his appointment tomorrow with the hearing aid people.

I don’t like the fact that I’ve been having more itching and burning lately even though it’s not like the kind of burning the steroids gave me, and Tom says it looks like it’s healing nicely down there when he checked the other day. It’s a good thing I have the Tucks and the Aquaphor and that Amy is only a week away.

Although it was a bit warm, I went out walking earlier for about 25 minutes. Did some strength training exercises on the Bowflex too, and worked my core and arms.

We ordered our new betta a square fish tank with a filter that’s 10 x 10 x 10. We’re adding a heater to it as well as some artificial plants and colorful gravel. He doesn’t seem to like his pellets as much so we’re getting flakes instead. He also seems to be a really shy guy, too. I wonder if he’ll always be this way. His alertness is cute in the way he follows my movements with his eyes as I move about the place.

I’m also getting a bottle opener to make it easier to open tough caps, an adorable 2019 rat calendar and another kitty figurine. This one is a single standing orange tabby looking upward.

During the last order we made we forgot to get the decorative window cling I picked out for the laundry room window. We grabbed it this time around, though.

Norma posted how upset she was about 1600 immigrants being denied help in Texas and how no one will help the children and Tammy was like, how are we supposed to handle an amazing number of illegal immigrants? Yes, she feels bad for the kids and it’s not their fault but their parents’ who should have come here legally.

Tom and I both agree that children should not be abused in the way they’ve been pulled out of houses and thrown into tents in the desert. However, something’s got to be done. I understand people not wanting to spend so much money on a wall and I understand that it isn’t going to keep everybody out but if it will slow the flow of moochers then it may be worth the money. I would still love it if we could take a giant knife, cut Mexico away from the US, pick it up and plop it down on the other side of the world. The middle of the Arctic would be nice. There’s just too damn many of them and they’re burdening the shit out of our resources.

Tom’s co-worker, the Indian woman named Pawandeep, recently vacationed in London. She brought back a bunch of keychains with the word London on it and Tom brought one home, not that we’ll ever use it. It was still a very nice thought. It’s hanging on one of the kitchen cabinet knobs right now.

Wondering if I’m starting to get another precancerous lesion on my shoulder where the arm and shoulder meet. Thanks, Mom, for making me sit on the beach all damn day every summer until you decided you no longer wanted to be a mother to me, even if I know you didn’t know this would happen and would’ve taken measures to prevent it if you could have.

It’s too small to say for sure what it is, but it’s definitely suspicious and similar to the other one I had on my back. It is kind of reddish and has a similar feel to the other one, almost like a bubble. When you press on it, it sort of seems like it’s filled with air. It could still be a wart or a mole. We’ll see where it ends up as time goes on.

Speaking of cancer, when I was looking at my conditions on the new medical portal, I was surprised to see polycythemia vera listed as one of them. That’s a blood cancer. I don’t see how having a couple of very slightly elevated red blood cell count readings constitutes having that condition, but even if I did, it’s so slow-growing that it would take 25 years to kill me, anyway. After having a couple of high readings, I did have a couple of normal readings, and I would be willing to bet that my next round of lab work will be normal as well. I’m sure the white cell count will be slightly elevated, though, as always.

I had a dream that I was seeing my GYN and she had a friend with her in the room. At one point the GYN asked her, “Want to get together tonight?”

“Nah,” the girl said, and then I left, realizing I didn’t have another appointment scheduled with her and wondered if that was a good thing or not.

[lunarstrider]

Okay I see a D2 call to arms to show off OCs so I actually post all not nearly enough pics of my beloved guardians

Here we go, Ethan-3 (1-3), Ayne-11 (4-6) and Vermilion-7 with previous lads (the rightmost man; I simply don't have a separate piece with him uhh my bad)

I can't in any compehensible way describe HOW MUCH I really love them all - I'll just say they kinda keep me alive in some meanings

People here and on Twitter (we all gonna deadname it right??? I don't make rules) showed them some love in return, and I hope they keep shining for anyone who sees it now (or again! hewwo dear followers and moots I love you all!)

SO. While my head is buzzing with excitement to talk about my D2 OCs I'm gonna spill some fun facts. About Ethan:

A golden retriever type

Despite the fact above is called Reaper for a reason - killings on the edge of madness are a bad thing to live with u'know

Ghost's name is simple as it is - Licht (for short in german; Little Light for full) and is given out of deep appreciation for all he has done

Tries his best to be better person

Still feels resentment when looks in the mirror and sees a face of a deadlands murderer

MALEWIFE MATERIAL (delicious soups included)

runs an armory and weapon repairs shop at the Tower with his beloved titan gf (featuring the 3d pic - Fang)

will make anything a throwing weapon - even this out-of-ammo shotgun

has a grumpy sibling

About Ayne:

His name is a slightly tweaked name for a star in Taurus constellation

His ghost's name is Aldie and stands as short name of main star in the same constellation

Therefore, they're a perfect team of guardian and ghost

Despite all this, Ayne's zodiac sign is Virgo (I delight the irony tho; his Venus, on other hand, is Taurus!)

He is Hidden, specialty - field scouting, diversions, Darkness research

Workaholic

Melee combatant, swordsman

Got used to work strictly alone

Speedy driving issues

Had a bit different personality before he lost his entire fireteam

Still processes trauma and has PTSD

Ice queen behaviour in public

Turns out as quite blissful person if one earns his trust

Last time he didn't work solo ended up in marriage with that one titan quiet and reliable enough to have Ayne's sneaky attention

His husband is actully Ethan's brother (lmao gottem; checkout pic 6)

About Vermilion:

Very quiet, almost speechless and a bit socially anxious exo

Extremely skilled technician, a Splicer too

Roams the Last City from time to time just to help people with their tech things for free

Is sure, that even in these godforsaken times there is place for kindness and good deeds

Loves to work with natural material, e.g stones

Made an amulet for everyone in his former hunt-pack out of gratitude

Sticks to solar powers in remembrance of this exact hunt-pack and everything they taught him - how to smile, sing and trust again

His entire back is replaced with different pieces that were fitting - the scars and damage done to his original back plates were irreparable

He seems shy (he really is shy but keeps fighting this)

His ghost, Hela, enjoys puns. Her faves are those she makes about Vermilion

Short king, this one!

OOF THAT'S QUITE A LOT BUT NEARLY NOT EVERYTHING ABOUT MY BLORBOS

I do hope that anyone who read till here enjoyed these (somewhat sad but i tried my best to keep them fun!) facts!

Please, hit me in DMs or anywhere if you wanna know more! I'd love to talk more <:

HEY D2 TUMBLR OC ENJOYERS!

Do you have a Destiny OC? I draw them all the time- I'm known for my Exo OCs! I want to see YOURS! Any race, species, be it casual "just a dude" or the 7th son of Oryx, I want to see them! Tell me about them!!! I want to draw them, I specialize in Exos but I REALLY want to learn more about the community on here. Be it big or small, please don't be shy!! I want to know sooo much. You can even submit a whooole block of text and only ingame screenshots if you're not the artistic type. Examples of my D2 OC art here:

[elmozzosays]

The One Second Decision

I meant to write this a couple days ago. I did announce it over twitter but life and plans for the better happened along the way. Found a day when I could sit down and put down a couple of paragraphs to detail my 1 second decision. But what is it? it’s not what you think. I am fully aware about my preferences. Stay here and I'll further explain: 

November 2022: on fully working season. Every place at the food industry is blooming with constant pressure and long hours to work. At that moment I was well, eating whatever I could find, going with friends after work for drinks and sightly resting. It took a toll. Some people started to notice something in me that I was not fully aware: I was gaining weight. People’s opinions about me are not relevant, but when more people noticed, it was something to analyze. 

By the end of the World Cup, I was invited to shoot a baby shower. Some coworkers were invited. I was extremely exhausted and basically went home and passed out in bed. I had missed calls by 2 girls who were there, wondering where I was. A chance missed. Something could've sparked there but it is what it is. 

At the beginning of 2023 a surprise boost at my workplace occurred (from January to March is dead season) but this one was different. I was glad but my mood, physique was getting at a low point. All these months of every day drinking were affecting me that I secretly dealt with a minor depression, not even my friend who I hang out the most knew. One of my coworkers gave birth and she insisted to visit her and I had to decline several times. I later revealed to her the real reason and she understood. it wasn't bullshit, it was some serious stuff. 

Reaching 40 made me realize a lot of things. I need to make serious changes, especially body wise. One day after taking a shower I look at the mirror fully naked and realize something: A change must be made. I look disgusting! beer belly, no muscle, weak. On Thursday, March 16 a decision was made and it only took 1 second to make it happen: I embarked into a commitment fully to myself: Improved everything about me, leave behind all sorts of addictions (drinking) and start on a new regimen. I always had dumbbells laying around the house. Bought them a long time ago and used them from time to time but nothing serious. This time, I set the rules. Started with 3 day workout of 40 mins with weights, quit drinking (mostly) meaning I don't drink every day like I used to. Also, change my eating routine. Left aside what my body don't need. Now I see food as fuel. 

Ditching those bad habits was as simple as 1,2,3. I must admit, I gotta thank my Military school background for the early mindset I was given back In the early 90′s. That still happens to this day. Discipline is my ultimate drive. 

I have made the 3 month mark since I decided to change. It was hard at first, but like my sister told me, It’s better now than later. People stared to notice the change and it’s not accident: the effort I'm putting now, will reflect tomorrow. It’s a long ride, but every step counts. My minor depression went away, I no longer feel sad or anxious about stupid shit, determination for what I want to do shows up every day: I perform better at work, eat right, rest better and an overall change is reflected. 3 months ago, none of that was present. None. 

I am also more confident. Clothes that didn’t fit, do now, my waist shrunk and now update in jeans must be made. I feel slim. no more embarrassing beer gut and for the first time, wearing a t-shirt feels natural. 

For you reading this and want to make a change for yourself: it’s never too late. We all start at something that’ll later develop into a normal part of your life. Do it for you, not for others. This change I made also risk leaving some people behind, including my 9 year friendship (on that on some other post). It was a hard decision, but it wasn't contributing anymore. 

Thanks to a decision not hard to make, I am on the other side of the fence. Focusing on what matters, on what's important: Myself. 

[andrewskennedy50]

Blog Post #1

Emma Rathbone’s article and Max Stossels's lecture brought some very interesting perspectives to the topic of social media. I appreciate Mr. Stossel’s approach to the topic of social media because it focuses on how human psychology, particularly in the developmental period of people’s lives relates to the effects of social media.

In Mr. Stossels’s lecture, his slot machine analogy helped me conceptualize how the effects of getting a “rush” from anything involving dopamine can all be extremely addicting. When I think about how social media affects me daily, I would be foolish to assume that this “rush” does not affect me somehow. Even on an app like Instagram, I find that sometimes when I make a post, I frantically return to it several times over the next few days to see how many likes it gets. Another example is that when I use Twitter and I reply to another user about a specific topic I disagree with, I feel anxious/excited feeling and check for a reply from them every ten or so minutes until it arrives. When social media gives me that “rush,” I find it hard to put my phone away and be present in the real world, even to watch a movie or share a meal with a family member.

Even though it is difficult at first, forcing myself to take a break ends up being really rewarding every time I do it by about the 3-day mark. I do this every year when I sail on a 3-day sailboat race from Port Huron, Michigan to Mackinac Island. On this race, I am on a sailboat with seven other people without internet access. The small space on the boat forces us to interact, whereas taking a “social media break” in your regular life you might do other introverted activities. On these ventures, it becomes much easier to get into the moment of things and I feel more clear-headed, but the sailboat race ends, and social media seems to always creep into my life again in one way or another. Giving up social media entirely would be difficult, and it would likely hinder access to people I have connections to, but I no longer live around.

Limiting social media in a logical and intentional way would likely be the most beneficial change for me. Some examples I would like to implement are removing all social media use before 9:00am every day and removing all social media from 8:00pm until bedtime. The time periods I mentioned are the times when I honestly would like to be relaxed and clear-headed, so that is why I chose them specifically. Mr. Stossel seems to suggest the reason that I might become more clear-headed is that we are constantly attempting to multi-task when we are glued to our phones. Once humans are forced away from their phones, they even score better on tests and retain information in general. As Ms. Rathbone puts it, “before the internet” people were allowed to be completely in the moment, even lost in it. Her article nostalgically paints images of inner peace, moments where we were all ignorantly bliss to the future where we no longer can be completely lost in the place where we are. Reading her article makes me ask questions like “if life was clearly so much better when social media was not in it, why are so many people unwilling to give it up?” and “what kind of harmful psychological effects could this bring to a species who have not had this tool for more than 30 years to adapt their brains to this type of connectivity and communication?”

How would you respond to those questions yourself? I would love to hear would you might have to say, so feel free to reply!

[straighttohellbuddy]

die mad about it {Dream/Reader/Sapnap} // Part 1

1. 2020

Summary: A retrospective on the interconnected timeline of Dream, Sapnap, and TV and film star Y/N, via social media.

2020. Dream first mentions having a housemate and refuses to say anything else, and when it turns out Sapnap knows more than he's letting on to his audience, he plays along too. Meanwhile, Y/N brings their housemate to events and yet somehow no-one seems to even know his name.

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly Non-Binary!Reader, early-20s!reader, reader is an incredibly well known film & tv star and has been living with Dream for several months/just over a year. Polyamory.

{ masterpost : 1/3 }

A/N: 3794 words. OKAY HELLO FRIENDS GUESS WHO'S BACK AT IT AGAIN??? its me. but also considering this is already almost 4k i decided that splitting it up into the 3 years was a good call. it's an interesting style but i like it :)

Taglist: @esylwen @ihatesunfl0wers @theghostpeach @rainyaheysoe @magicastle

Taglist is always open! Feel free to message or comment if you'd like to be added! xx

· JUNE ·

In June of 2020, Dream mentions that he has to keep his voice down during a stream, so he doesn't wake his housemate. It is the first time he's mentioned any sort of housemate. He does not mention them again.

Twitter, abuzz, seems to all share the same sentiment:

can you imagine being Dream's roommate? Do you think they know?

· JULY ·

The first trailer for Paramount's upcoming modern, dark fantasy, thriller HELIX, directed by Robert Eggers, and starring Y/N Y/L/N and Amandla Stenberg is released on July 12, 2020. After sweeping the 2019-2020 festival circuit, finally the film will see wider release in mid-November 2020. Described as a stylistic feast, the film appears to accent it's overall Film Noir aesthetics with moments of Psycho-Pop colour and movement, and proffers itself as a deconstruction of the the modern franchise villain. It's an exploration through metaphor of the idea that both the narrative and metanarrative that a villain finds themselves in pushes them to violent extremes in spite of, or even sometimes because of, the valid critiques they make of society, which often bely an anticapitalist agenda. Alongisde this, it offers critique of the modern superhero franchise's thinly-veiled role as military propaganda in Western media. The trailer is set to an orchestral cover of Mother Mother's Body with vocals by Halsey.

· AUGUST ·

In August of 2020, Y/N attends the premiere of their new movie, The New Mutants, seen here on the red carpet with Co-Star Charlie Heaton, accompanied by a friend, who declined to share his name for privacy reasons.

Twitter user @.Y/NS_EYELASH posted the following, among retweeting other, similar supportive sentiments from fellow users:

I love Y/N knowing their needs, cos I saw an interview they did a few years ago talking about how they need someone to help them stay grounded and not anxious on red carpets /1 | but also the fact that they brought their housemate, who is for all intents and purposes Just Some Guy, who won't even give his name? Yes King, Give Us Nothing /lh /2

Several tabloid articles are written speculating about the nature of Y/N and their housemate's relationship. Y/N does not respond, but does like several tweets that discuss how the media bastardises friendships and can ruin them.

----

On an alternate channel stream on August 31st, 2020, Sapnap confirms that both himself and George know, have spoken to, and consider themselves friends with Dream's housemate, but claims 'it's a bit weird sometimes, you know...' and though he trails off, he does not elaborate.

The exact reason about what Sapnap find weird about it all and why is hotly debated for a solid week. The reigning theory is jealousy that the housemate is able to see Dream in person.

· OCTOBER ·

In October 2020, at the beginning of a Zoom interview with MTV, the interviewer gives an offhand compliment about their setup and background. Y/N laughs and admits that they asked their housemate's friends for advice, and that the microphone itself is their housemate's; he also lets them borrow it for voice over work.

----

Halloween 2020; #DreamWasHaunted trends on twitter after Dream mentions that his housemate dressed as a sexy ghost for Halloween. Sapnap mentions that the mysterious housemate sent him a photo of themselves in costume, again confirming that they are good friends, but also calling it surreal. The twitter @dreams-housemate-updates is created.

Also Halloween 2020, Y/N posts photos of their costume, which consists of a sheet ghost, fishnets, and high heels, captioned 'do you think they'd still let me be in the sequel 😈💖'.

----

When the stream ends, and Dream has said his goodbyes, the only sound in the apartment is his PC cooling in the darkness. In moments like these he barely feels real, like he's given everything to his friends and his fans and he's only existing through wishful thinking.

Outside, he's sure countless people his age are losing themselves to the night, cool air turning sticky-hot in the modern day masquerade that was Halloween. His PC is silent, the LEDs of his set up have long since dimmed. He finally relaxes his shoulders, and in that moment the weight of the world slips from them.

Finally, he feels like he can stand.

The rest of the apartment is marginally cooler than his office, but it's still just as dark; pitch black and growing ever closer to midnight, so he turns on his phone light.

It's quiet enough that he half wonders if you've left to join the revelry for yourself, but thinks better of it. You would have at least texted him.

In his room is the only other light in the void darkness of the apartment; you're in his bed, on your side, reading something on your phone. Before he'd started the stream, you'd been going through the photos he took of you in your ghost costume, the two of you laughing hard enough to wheeze, but those few hours feel like a lifetime away. You cast enough light, he turns off his own.

Patches is curled up, purring, and refusing to move where she's decided to curl up practically on your forehead. Her eyes are alert, eyes shining in the glow of your phone screen; the minute she sees Dream she stands, stretches herself into a strange, tall shape, and nimbly running towards him, run just past him, and stand between his legs in the doorway, her tail wrapping around his shin.

Dream looks at Patches, and you look at him.

Yesterday the first episode of The Mandalorian had aired, and of your expansive audience of friends, fans, and followers, he was the only one who saw the way you were almost sick with nervous worry.

Now, your thumb on the screen keeps it from timing out, keeps your face aglow and tired eyes visible. His duvet is pulled up to your nose. He hadn't really expected this, but he's glad for it. No words, no sounds, the ringing in his ears in the darkness.

He pulls off his shirt, leaving him only in sweatpants, and he eases the phone out of your grip. In the moment before he locks your phone, he sees you've been going through your Twitter DMs. There's no light now, his curtains drawn, and the apartment quiet. You shuffle over to make room for him in the dark.

His touch is gentle in the dark, at first to make sure he doesn't collide with you, but then he doesn't let go. You shuffle back. The space lessens between you, and with his hand on your hip, you carefully lean to rest your forehead against his.

"I'm so tired," your voice is a weak, forlorn whisper, and he wraps his arm more securely around you.

Both swallowed by the darkness, by the silence, you know the world can't get to you here. This is a sanctuary.

There's no grand gestures, no declarations, but nothing is quite the same once you both wake up. Not different, just better.

· NOVEMBER ·

FIlming for the upcoming CW show 'Walker' starring Jared Padeleki commenced in Austin, Texas commenced in mid-October of 2020, however in early November, Y/N has been announced as an upcoming guest star in it's first season, and is travelling to film on location. Among various updates on Twitter and Instagram, they post 'turns out i can't 'Netflix and Chill',,, my friends and colleagues going on well produced adventures in the background kinda ruins the mood lmfao'.

----

@.dreams-housemate-updates: SAPNAP HAS MET UP WITH THE HOUSEMATE [quote tweet from @.sapnapalt: can confirm @dream's secret housemate is real and also they're mine now sorry no takebacks]

----

On his stream on November 3rd, 2020, Sapnap announces that Dream's housemate has been in town for work. While his chat is clamouring for answers as to who they are, he says they're sitting next to him, but communicate by text, not wanting to be identified by their voice.

"Did you take the job just to visit me?" In a clip from the stream, Sapnap's voice is overwhelmingly fond. After a moment, he adds, "I knew it, you're such a simp, you could have just asked- I won't take it back," he laughs loud and bright, "you literally took a whole job as an excuse to come visit me; you're a simp." And we can hear what is the the first and only, to this point, distinct clip of Dream's Housemate as they laugh.

Three days later, November 6, 2020, Sapnap tweets from his alt account about an impromptu watch party with Dream's Housemate for The Mandalorian Season 2, Episode 2, just after it releases:

@.sapnapalt: excited to be able to watch the new #TheMandalorian episode with dream's housemate since they know more about this series than anyone else i will probably ever meet | @.sapnapalt: #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty yeah sure but also i don't think you all fully realise WHY this is the best and worst thing ive been a part of | @.sapnapalt: immediately after watching the recap "i feel like I should remember more of that happening. or any of it." off to a GREAT start #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty | @.sapnapalt: "not to give anakin skywalker any props but he was right about sand" #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty | @.sapnapalt: "prop department my beloveds" #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty | @.sapnapalt: "costume department my beloveds" #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty | @.sapnapalt: "Pedro Pascal and his tiny muppet child my beloveds" #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty | @.sapnapalt: "tell your followers i just have a lot of love in my heart" #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty | @.sapnapalt: "tweet @.Disney that i (HousemateWasTaken) should kiss pedro pascal in season 3" #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty | @.sapnapalt: "dont tell dream tho. not because i think he'd be jealous, but id feel bad if i got to kiss pedro pascal and he didn't." #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty | @.sapnapalt: "i don't know if he wants to kiss pedro but it'd still feel unfair to me" #HousemateMandalorianWatchParty | @.dreamwastaken: i give it five minutes before they've forgotten about the episode and just actively start simping for the cast and crew ❤️

Y/N also tweeted on 6 November, 2020. As a guest star on The Mandalorian Season 1, who had been promoted to series regular for Season 2, each week they retweet several posts around the time the new episode airs. This week, they also tweeted 'it doesn't matter if ive known you five minutes or five years, if you ask to watch an episode of #TheMandalorian with me that i tell you im in, you should know that one of the things i tell you when we watch it will be 100% false and i will not tell you which' followed by 'brb tryna convince this cute guy that some of baby yoda is repurposed Kermit the Frog'.

----

As of the middle of November, 2020, there is wild speculation about who Y/N was rumoured to be seeing whilst in Texas, though no evidence beyond two tweets from the beginning of the month point to them being close to anyone. Several Instagram story posts have highlighted their love of the people around them in the state, and also deriding the several paparazzi they've had following them.

----

"You wanna come with me to New York?" Sunday brought with it the cruel anticipation of Monday just around the corner, but with your face pressed to Sapnap's chest it's easy to shut out the rest of the world, "all expenses paid." Your can't even be bothered to hold back your yawn.

"You want me at your premiere?" There's a smile in his voice that you've come to love the sound of, and his fingertips are tracing patterns across your shoulders. You give a hum of confirmation; his hand stills, palm warm against your back even through your shirt.

"Just got you all to myself, I don't wanna leave yet," it comes out as a contented mumble, holding him a little tighter, "I missed you, dude."

"What, yesterday while you were at set?" He huffs a faint laugh.

"Before that, before we were all, you know," you finally raise your face to look at him, "I... yeah I missed you." There's a flush on his cheeks that you hadn't been expecting, and his eyes are so warm and kind.

"I can't go to New York with you," he says so very gently, which you'd been expecting, but was still faintly disappointing to hear, "it'd be too much of a giveaway, for you and for Dream." And you knew he was right, but you'd still wanted to offer. Still, after a moment, you see the regret in his eyes, "I can't believe I'm turning down meeting Chris Evans," he groaned. At this, you propped yourself up on your hands so you could lean in and give him a soft kiss.

"There's always next time," you assured, and that seems to be enough for him, as he's grinning when he pulls you back in.

----

'HousemateWasTaken | Dream's Housemate (Video Blogging RPF)' is now a recognised character tag on ArchiveOfOurOwn, with thirty-four fics; twenty-nine were posted between November 6 and 30. There are thirteen fics in the tag 'Clay | Dream/Sapnap/HousemateWasTaken', and two in the tag 'Clay | Dream/Pedro Pascal/HousemateWasTaken'.

----

HELIX premiered in New York on November 17th, 2020, and Y/N attends wearing a black, impecably tailored suit with blood-red embroidery and neon pink accessories, as a stylistic homage to the film itself, and matching their co-star Amandla Stenberg, dressed almost identically with sienna embroidery and neon orange detailing. Highlights from the red carpet interviews and photos include:

The moment Y/N and Amandla first see each other and practically run to hug one another in greeting, beaming.

Y/N posing with Chris Evan and Katie McGrath, like the child in an awkward family photo.

Any and all interviews with both Y/N and Amandla being so bright and joyful that it's almost incoherent, the most notable of which is, after being asked what it was like filming with Chris Evans, both leads turn to each other and just start asking 'Dad Evans?' in a loop, as if its the continuation of some long-running inside joke. It culminates with Chris Evans himself joining them, and both of the young leads cheering 'Dad Evans!' when he does. He regards them both very fondly, seemingly used to this behaviour, and both Y/N and Amandla both then answer the interviewer's initial question with glowing praise for Evans. He gives them both a kiss on the top of the head before they all move on to the next interview.

Y/N arm in arm with the director and the writer, standing tall and looking unshakably confident.

From rogerebert.com:

HELIX (four and a half stars)

In an age where no month is spared from the new release of a slick, shiny blockbuster made for the masses, we are constantly fed black and white morality, and worlds where even shades of grey never seem to stay that way for long. Director Robert Egger's genre-defying 'HELIX' is the refreshing and eloquent open hate-letter to this cult of personality that is the modern, franchise, superhero film, that we as a society didn't realise we so desperately needed. It's a film that will leave you feeling sick and cynical as you walk out of the theatre, but before you're even halfway home you'll be craving a second viewing, whether it be for the style, the story, or the meaning behind it all. From the desaturated design populated with violent, sparing colour, to the masterful way we slip and merge between an ironically upbeat, alternative soundtrack and deeply unsettling orchestral, it all serves to augment the oftentimes chillingly grounded performances which carry this heavy story.

Y/N in the role of protagonist, the supervillain Woolfe, is a masterclass of subtle discomfort unto themselves from the very moment the film begins. Their nuanced idiosyncrasies are relatable and believable as we spend time with them going about their day. The moments linger perhaps a second too long, which, while easy to consciously miss, subtly adds to the distinct impression that Woolfe is out of sync with the rest of the world. As we continue on, and Y/N continues to captivate us as we watch Woolfe's moral, mental, and ethical decline into violent hedonism and depravity, its terrifyingly easy to understand and believe their character progression and decisions, even if we don't agree with it, even if it's completely reprehensible. There's a queasiness that comes the moment you start seeing Woolfe as both a monster and a mirror.

[read more]

It should also be noted that in the afternoon of November 17th, 2020, just hours before the premiere began, Y/N tweeted the following:

my stylist is worried that im nervous for the premiere (which you should all see; wide release across North America with midnight screenings tonight) but idk how to tell her im actually fucked up over yesterday's events in a minecraft youtube rp | me 🤝 @.WilburSoot playing characters whose rapidly declining mental state and increasing disenfranchisement have lead to extreme, violent, detrimental outcomes, and being villainised by our narratives. | askdashkldf my housemate just messaged me 'why are you like this'.. its funnier with context, but its also funny without because honestly im kinda asking myserlf the same lol | MY CUTE FRIEND FROM TEXAS JUST ASKED ME IF I KIN DREAM I HATE IT HERE | edit: dream is FINE okay?? having kins is ALSO FINE,, none of that is the issue but i can't elaborate on what is the issue asakdfjlsdkjf i have a premiere to get to .. | i cant believe people think i have a PR team lmfao anyways | but also hello to dsmp enjoyers who might be finding me now, if u watched yesterday's events and were rooting for either wilbur or especially techno, boy do i have the movie for you! .... also everyone else! HELIX slaps and im excited to share it wit you all!

This marks the first time Y/N has acknowledged any part of the MCYT community publicly. It's the breakdown of a barrier; several content creators had been following you already due to your status as a public figure, but you now follow several content creators back, including both Sapnap and Dream.

----

A fanfiction titled 'did you mean it (when you said i was better off dead)' was posted to Archive of Our Own on November 30, 2020 with the following tags: Dream SMP - Fandom, HELIX (2020), Woolfe (HELIX)/Wilbur Soot, Wilbur Soot & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It Fic, Implied Suicidal Ideation, self aware!woolfe, ghostbur - freeform, FUCK dr michael chris evans all my homies HATE dr michael chris evans, inspired by a tweet, Crack Treated Seriously, on GOD we're gonna get woolfe some love and affection.

· DECEMBER ·

With December of 2020 comes a vague update to Y/N's public relationship status in the form of a photo of a sleeping tabby cat, curled up at the bottom of an unmade bed, posted to Y/N's Instagram story with a poll; Is it morally wrong to date a guy just because you're sad his cat chooses to sleep at the end of his bed and not yours? [Responses: YES (38%) | NO (62%)]

----

Throughout December, various interviews and clips from the press junket for HELIX are released on various websites and platforms while the film is still in theatres.

"Are you bringing your roommate to the premiere?" Amandla asks in what appears to be a little bit of down-time between questions while the camera is still rolling.

"That lovely, tall fellow?" Katie McGrath leaned past Chris Evans to look at you, and you smiled brightly but shook your head with bemusement.

"I do like it when he can join me but he does this, like, freelance media production stuff and he's kind of part of this huge project right now, so I have no idea how he'll be for November," you explained with a shrug and a smile.

"Do we know his name and I've just forgotten or is he still cultivating that air of mystery?" Amandla snorts, leaning against you further on the sofa. You shift to make yourself more comfortable, tipping your head to hers.

"Still a man of mystery," you laughed fondly, and the interviewer quickly cleared his throat, next question prepared.

----

On a chill stream near the middle of December, 2020, Dream mentions that his housemate technically has Technoblade fanart printed and stuck up around their room.

"I think they're making a shrine," he says mildly, trying to stay neutral even as Sapnap is wheezing with laughter.

"Oh man, they're so gonna hate that you called it that!" He crowed, just as there comes a loud, insistent banging on Dream's door. Sapnap's passed the point of audible laughter.

"Can I help you?" Dream sounds all kinds of smug and teasing, despite how quiet he seems to have gotten since moving away from his microphone. Whoever is at the door, presumably his housemate, is not audible, "it's a little bit of a shrine," he appears to counter some sort of silent argument, "it's his quotes, like three seperate- more than one is a shrine -" there's the faintest sounds of movement, and something that sounds like a hand coming to slap a door or wall, "if you're gonna have a shrine of anyone it should be me or Sap," as if that's somehow a logical argument, "no, like an official one with candles, and the pictures closer togeth-" and his words are cut off very suddenly. Then, after a considerable amount of silence, and to much the shock of everyone both in and watching the stream, the housemate can be heard.

"You're lucky you're cute." It's so quiet half the words can't even be properly heard, and it's not enough to reveal the true identity of the housemate, but it's not hard to figure out what had been said.

The door closes; Dream clears his throat when he's back by his computer.

"They have photos of me up?" Sapnap's tone is all fond and warm, completely ignoring the fact that the stream had heard the housemate's voice very faintly... and were also quickly jumping to conclusions about how they'd shut Dream up so quickly.

"Yeah, the cute ones from when they visited last month."

----

The Archive of Our Own tag 'Clay | Dream/Sapnap/HousemateWasTaken' has 22 fics by the end of 2020, and while there are around 27 fics in 'Clay | Dream/HousemateWasTaken', approximately 15 are also tagged with some variation of 'Clay | Dream/Reader', 'Housemate!Reader', or both.

----

And shortly after midnight on New Year's Eve, bringing 2020 to a close, Y/N posted the following on Twitter:

EVERYONE SHUT UP ITS 2021 IM MAKING A HIT TWEET ahem. 🥰 this year's midnight kiss was a dream 🥰

[morelikedoccock]

I’m about to dig into some drama because I haven’t felt this incredibly disrespected by someone on the internet for a long time. If you like my content and/or how I deal with things and are curious to know what’s going on, I’m explaining below.

I’m gonna start out with this:

I am not going to answer questions about this.

Do NOT go to this user and send them anon hate.

Sending anon hate accomplishes absolutely nothing and it’s a shitty thing to do. Just don’t.

So, I relatively recently blocked someone here (not going to name drop because that’s fucking rude, as I’ll get into later) and on Twitter for several reasons, but as I’ve said before, no one needs a reason to block here. It’s the internet. I had BARELY even spoken to this person. They responded by block evading to beg for a reason, and also asked their friend to message me about it. I didn’t reply, feeling increasingly like my boundaries were being disregarded and disrespected.

Then I was told that they’d been vaguing about me on Twitter, and as much as I support a little vaguing, it was bordering on obsessive and kinda creeping me out.

THEN TODAY I discovered that they had posted a fic inspired by my au without my permission, but not only that, the first chapter of their fic is a long-winded and wildly invasive author’s note complaining about how I had blocked them. An authors note IN WHICH THEY USED MY NAME. My actual NAME, not my url (which would’ve been just barely been better).

This really upset me. It’s a blatant and open disregard of my boundaries and wishes, and also… posting personal drama to a PUBLIC FANFICTION SITE is so incredibly immature and just not okay. In response to reading their author’s note, I sent them a long and extremely reasonable message detailing why I’d blocked them and that I was very upset. I told them that I wanted them to delete the author’s note. I would prefer if they hadn’t posted the fic in the first place but I can’t tell them to take it down, I just told them to delete the author’s note. They sent me an immature reply and refused.

I was originally tempted to post the full message I sent them and their reply, but I decided that wasn’t the best idea. Instead, I wanna address this one bit of their response:

I’m still snorting over this.

1. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t think I’m a good person. If being a good person means setting aside your own personal boundaries so people can walk all over you for their own pleasure, than I’m perfectly happy being a bad person with clear boundaries.

2. Why the fuck am I your hero?? What have I done to warrant that kind of parasocial worship???? I simply make art, write fic, and complain about stupid fandom drama. I am a regular ass person who happens to enjoy creating and has a decent amount of experience doing so. I do regular people things like work and eat and agonize over existence, and if you have decided to use your imagination to make me into someone that I am not, that is not my problem. Being treated like this makes me not want to share my art or fic. I’m just vibing. Ffs I am just desperately trying to connect with people who respect me/enjoy fandom content. Also, because I NEED to be petty, it’s *heros* (plural) not *hero’s* (singular possessive).

Anyway, after I sent them the message and got their reply, I ended the conversation and blocked them again. But now they have already gotten an anon hate comment on their fic (again, DON’T DO THIS) and they posted about it to their tumblr and Twitter claiming it was me who sent it.

I don’t send anon hate. I’m way too fucking anxious and also too old for that shit. I’ve done my best to take the idea of “the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference” concept to heart. Yes I will absolutely complain about being disrespected, but I do it in my own fucking space (aka here), and I’ll do my damnest to ignore any drawn out bullshit they continue to stir up.

So yeah. I’m honestly really riled up by this. I had been nothing but reasonable toward them, including my decision to block them, (in fact I blocked them in the beginning because they posted the same fic without asking and then gave them a second chance when they asked) and now they are claiming/implying that I’m harassing them.

If you’ve ever had more than a single conversation with me, or if you’ve ever read any of my long posts about this kind of stuff, you’d know that I try hard asf to be decent. I don’t send anon hate. I don’t name drop. But I do block without hesitation if something doesn’t click for me, and if someone doesn’t respect that boundary, I get pissed.

If you’ve gotten this far, I am platonically and respectfully smooching you on the forehead. If you still enjoy my artwork and writing, I would appreciate if y’all stick around. I know I’m not posting as often, but it’s nice to feel like I’ve got respectful people on here who appreciate what I do.

And finally, if you’re reading this and you know them: good, tell them I said to leave me alone. I’m tired of their childish bullshit.

[insecateur]

here's a first little trivia post about slawcs. this one will cover origins, inspiration, and background from the pre-rewrite era. (consequently it will be entirely about og slawcs and won't speak of the spin-offs either)

this is mostly for myself and probably like 3 people but i think it'll be therapeutic to write and i like reading about other people's writing and ideas so maybe you do, too! if so, enjoy!

origins

a young man sits at his computer. it just so happens that today, the 30th of october, 2013, is the day he set out to write some angst apparently:

i am so very sad that i don't have any archives of the conversations i was absolutely having back then on skype (ough) about writing this. i did find some old info on my old pokémon blog, so here's what i can recall to the best of my abilities:

i wanted to write angst, apparently because the angst i wanted wasn't being written by others. which is hilarious considering i'm told that as it stands A LOT of prfr fics involve either party dying, but you do have to consider that this was very early on. also it seems people kill lysandre usually? truly the special flavor here is that lysandre doesn't die.

back then, i hadn't published any fic in 3-4 years, hadn't written in 2 years, and had never published anything written in english ever. i had one incomplete english fic wip that only one person other than me had ever seen and that was it. og slawcs was my first foray in publishing in english (fic-wise and, really, story-wise, unless you count my webcomic i suppose.) i had an ao3 account since early 2013; i have No clue why, but it worked out, i guess!

og slawcs was originally a one-shot. i was unsure about this for a while but i found the original post from my old blog that confirms it:

(please forgive my cringiness i was almost a decade younger, extremely socially anxious, and also it was my first time publishing in english)

i have been told that the first chapter reads like it can stand on its own, well there's why!

the original title was Perfect World. i have always disliked it. the long and short of it is that i got to the new work ao3 page, realized i needed a title, and improvised. i have NO idea why "improvising" meant "using a title inspired by a shipname i already didn't like at the time" but it did. i actually never used the actual title to refer to the fic back then; i always called it "sad fic" or "the sad fic." a silly little codename was better than the actual name i gave my fic apparently. nobody calls it that anymore, me included, and the only trace i have left of it is that my slawcs playlist is still called "sad fic" to this day...

the fic was relatively popular in prfr circles at the time. i was actually surprised looking through my old tag for it to find so many people sending me asks about it... this was so long ago and ended so sourly for me (the pokémon blog, not the fic specifically) that i sometimes tend to think i exaggerate how much feedback i got back then but i didn't apparently. (noah even found someone on twitter like one or two weeks ago who mentioned the fic indirectly so it's also memorable i guess ?_?) which does make me feel kinda bad for disappearing for so long also orz

i almost forgot to discuss this since this isn't an aspect that really exists in the fic anymore, but very early on the fic was supposed to have two endings. (slawcs spoilers follow if you care) the actual ending i ended up writing, where lysandre accepts dialga's offer and goes back in time to sabotage his own plans, and a "status quo" ending where lysandre stays and tries to make the world he's destroyed better as best as he can pull off.

the reason why i ended up scraping the alternate ending is actually pretty straightforward: the entire point behind having two endings was that i was embarrassed by the time travel/multiverse idea. this seems so stupid to me now but back then i genuinely was like "oh no i can't have my POKÉMON FANFICTION end with the power of love and time travel fixing everything it's too cringe (cringe wasn't as much of a thing back then but it was the spirit of it) so i need to come up with a Serious, Realistic ending to compensate"

then the multiverse was made canon and THEN years later rainbow rocket happened and i was like "who cares actually. if canon can do this why can't i."

i might elaborate on the other ending in another part, we'll see.

inspiration

i have touched on this very briefly in the fic's notes (i think at the end of eclipse?) but i think it would be fun to talk about this some more, so i will!

the premise of the fic (not really a spoiler because it happens mid-chapter 1, but still,) that lysandre is "hallucinating" a dead augustine sycamore, was inspired by an old nbc heroes fic i read when i was a teen. the fic (Imaginary Friend by Fantastic Pants on FFnet) was about, you guessed it, a character hallucinating another dead character.

well, actually, it was a bit more complicated than that. for context, character A (noah bennet aka HRG, for those in the know™) thought he'd killed character B (claude rains) who was a mutant capable of becoming invisible. in the fic, fake B was very much self-aware about being imaginary, and also very much supposed to be a representation of guilt, anxiety and depression. the "twist" of the fic, of course, is that B turns out to have been alive the whole time, and fake B disappears for good when A learns this.

i haven't reread the fic in years, but it is one of the two heroes fic that have stayed with me since then even though i stopped caring about heroes midway through season 2. as you can see, the core of it is similar, though the end result and the context is very different.

in slawcs, i kept the line between haunting, hallucination, and manifestation ambiguous, because i thought it worked better that way, but for me the most important aspect was the expression of negative feelings. i'm very humbled when people tell me it resonated with them: i wrote it based on my own experience with anxiety so I've Been Through The Symptoms and i'm always glad to know it works and feels meaningful!

tl;dr if i hadn't read this angsty heroes fanfiction i might not even have gotten back into writing ever

falling out

as i said in the first section, the fic was very well-received. it was one of the first fic for the ship on ao3 (i want to say it was among the first ten? it was definitely there before the tag was even canonized) so that probably helped, to be fair. people were eager for more! the second chapter was well-received as well, posted the next month. in mid-december, i posted another fic that i've since deleted because i just didn't like it that much (it was the ball dancing one, for those who might remember.) the last post in my old tag for og slawcs was from january 2014, assuring someone i was still working on the fic.

i was! but i was also Going Through It, both in my personal life but also when it came to the fandom. i don't blame anyone for it, really; i had gotten too emotionally involved imo, and also i was starting to grow tired of tumblr and the vibes there in general. so i ended up detaching myself from everything more and more, progressively. i stopped looking at my main dashboard and stopped looking at anything related to the fandom on tumblr. i moved largely to twitter but kept posting fanart for a while. then i just left.

in 2015, i began working on a new fic unrelated to og slawcs. this fic is still on my ao3; it's the one where lysandre gets guillotined. it was partially inspired by an old fanart of mine and my then all-consuming passion for french musicals. when i decided i was going to post it, i first thought i'd also make sure i could update og slawcs as well, because i felt so bad about abandoning it even though i was still very much in the fandom. and so, in december 2015, i both posted a brand new one-shot and the 3rd chapter of og slawcs.

and then i never updated it again for 6 years.

but i did work on it! at the time i posted the original third chapter, i had actually already written the original fourth. i think i might even have had half of the fifth back then. i was sure the fifth would be the last one; then it got too long, so i cut it in half, thinking the sixth would be the last one for sure. then i kind of... gave up.

i don't remember the timeline very well because it was a few years ago and also late 2016 to mid 2017 kind of all blurs together in my mind because it was when i was first getting knee surgery and i was basically at one of the lowest points in my life, but i did keep working on the fic (on top of writing other fic) back then. i fully stopped when i reached the point where i'd have to do the game rewrite, so midway through chapter 6 (sun.) i'm not entirely sure why (apart from bad mental health obviously) i think i was just... worried i couldn't pull it off. i'd watch reference material and then be like, no this sucks actually, this is bad, i can't do this well, and it’s been so long, and nobody will care anymore, and...

then in late 2017 i entered my Yakuza Phase and took a break from pokémon xy. it was still there at the back of my mind (where it always will be at this point i think) but i was taking a vacation from it, i guess.

...until february 2021 happened, of course.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME (yes i'm ending my post on a cliffhanger)

[princess-from-another-galaxy]

Sorry, This one's gonna be a long one cause nobody I know in real life cares about kpop.you don't have to answer, it's just a rant😅. But the way my heart dropped while reading all the debunking evidence in the link you sent.

I only got into kpop like a few months ago but of course past scandals pop up and like getting into stray kids obviously you discover the woojin scandal. For some reason that case and soojin's case are just haunting (maybe I'm too emotional).

And honestly it's frightening and sickening any random person can ruin some else's career simply because they have decided they don't like this person, or were bored. And they delete their accusations online and even say they were bored which is just psychotic behaviour.

What's even worse than that is it actually works! They do manage to hurt an idols reputation forever. Like yeah others say SM might be working behind the scenes and will eventually take action, but while they silently "work behind the scenes" an idol's carefully crafted reputation gets publicly destroyed. Idk if the situation will be resolved this year but the blatantly racist remarks, cyberbullying and "jokes" will follow lucas for a long time and it's just so frustrating to watch.

Why is it so easy to screw over an idol. As if idols don't go through enough from their own companies, fans, general public(being overworked, or ignored completely, extreme dieting not allowed to date or behave like a human with a personalitysometimes)...like the least they can do is publicly protect their idols who make them money. Writing an apology letter and disappearing cannot work every single time. "If it isn't broke don't fix it" well this method is horribly broken, find a new formula. Why hire lawyers for a company and not publicly make statements about investigations and taking action whether it's true or false?? Isn't that the normal thing to do?💀💀

It's just such a 180 for an international fan because cheating and bullying, while absolutely bad are not incentives to cancel someone over.

And hate the fact that fake r*pe and SA allegations get the spotlight and get heard whole real victims are attacked, made fun of or simply ignored. These topics are serious yet are dismissed and someone lying about it just makes them into a bigger joke and harder for victims to get some justice. Really just hate how warped it all is in general, not just in the music industry.

It's also weird because now that I hear it's common for someone to come out with someone when nct plans to release something, I'm more anxious than excited for nct 127's comeback but I hope it successfully happens. And I feel like wayv will still exist because of the SM schedule you also posted (bless you for continously having links and posts and giving us hope it might publiclyand drastically change by Decemberor even next year).

It's just overall frustrating I guess? Because liking SM foreign kpop idols seems to be more of an emotional rollercoaster ride than anything (e.g💀they seem to be locked up in the dungeon , looking at you winwin and shotaro). Like SM is terrible at promoting their idols but wow it's even worse for second gen idols and foreign idols. That's why we love the SM artists not the whole company itself because music companies all over the world are just....wow to say the least.

In conclusion, I just hope lucas is okay and that when things get publicly cleared he'll still be the loud, chaotic talented guy he is. And that when he comes back he isn't bullied or attacked for still being in nct, wayv and superm. Too many antis are enjoying being on the bandwagon when it comes to nct.

Aww, anon, I want to give you a hug...

I agree with every single thing you said.

I'm glad the links and stuff I post make you feel better, I spend a lot of time on Twitter and reddit looking for stuff and checking for updates.

The thing about those antis that are saying those things about Lucas (and will keep saying them regardless of what is proven) is that they were never really fans. They were the people who claimed to be fans and then made colorist "jokes" and insulted him and when they were called out for it, deleted their tweets and just retweeted those things on priv...

From now on regardless of what happens the truth is that most of these people will keep believing that he did these things. I saw a Woojin TikTok today (it showed up on my fyp) and half the comments were questioning why he could continue his career, completely ignoring (or just bring new fans and going by what they hear from other fans) that he has been proven innocent by the Seoul police department....

I hope Lucas's is ok, and that things can go back to normal soon.

(sorry if I sound weird I just got my 2nd shot of the vaccine and it gave me a killer headache)

[h0ney-c0tton]

//Going to remake this pinned, but i'm afraid it will take me a while... sorry DNI: basic dni criteria + proshippers + ageless Flowey deniers + people who force their interpretations/headcanons/ships/concepts to others.

Warning: A LOT OF TEXT BY AN EXTREME ANXIOUS PERSON TY FOR UNDERSTAND😁

Okay you're warned lol

Honey Cotton MITF AUs aren't 100% done, it will have changes in the future for the best of the ship. I'm trying hard for finish it and make the best I can! Here I will post only for the ship in my aus, at the moment I don't have an offical blog of my au... but I will someday do it if people are REALLY interesed to know more.

Pd: My english... yeah, it's AWFUL! I also have suspicion I might have dislexia @_@"

❤️WELCOME TO MY BLOG... HONEY COTTON💙

Welcome to my ship side account about my beloved OTP... Mad Mew Mew/Dummy x Flowey/Asriel (Adult Flowey/Asriel headcanon only).

This blog works with the context of my aus named MITF (and specially MITF AU PRINCIPAL)

grrrr i'll remake this section

💙✨I hope you like this ship, or at least like my fanarts ^^✨❤️

Others Social Media where you can find other fanarts (like doodles, concepts and memes).

Twitter:

Instagram:

And in the end here some questions I will answer here. I update this pinned a LOT. If you have questions, let me know in private!

WIP!

Q- What Means MITF?

Wip

Madness in the Flowers. First honey cotton ship name, now tecnically it is the tittle of all my aus where honey cotton is present + personal headcanons.

The principal one is "MITF AU principal (failed pacifist)", it is the most "serious" and it is the canon timeline :] (I already explained the Summary).

MITF principal au what ifs: In short... Nonsence Fanfiction! Asriel getting their robot body before Mew Mew, Flowey and Maddie being in a relationship before they got their dream bodies, all the posibilities! Not serious and not canon! Enjoy all the possibilities :]!

MITF deltarune: My version of the past of the now young adults Deltarune characters; where Asriel and Maddie met as kids (it started as complicated thanks by Maddie revengeful spirit). But while they were growing up; feelings for each other started bloom and slowy their relationship got stronger.

MITF POTLE: (inspired on Luca Turilli album "Prophet of the last eclipse) After the revolution leader by Undyne; Monsters soon will face a prophecy that will put in danger their know world. Only Angry Mew Mew can stop it, and she will face the danger with her beloved and misterious Sanea.

MITF KOTNT: (Inspired on Luca Turilli album "King Of The Nordic Twilight) Asriel tired of the tyrany of his sibling Chara, where their identity and body was stealed by a vil entity when they were a child; he ran away with injuries to the north and ended in the old city called Snowdia. There he met Mewrienne, and with her love he earned enough motivation for free his people of evil and recover peace and their dear sibling.

Q- Since when you started ship these two?

July 29th 2016.

Q- Why you ship and still ship this fanon-pair?

I started ship this thanks to a silly comic I've made in 2016. These years I used to like it only for that reason... But now... It ended as my comfort ship, about my two fav characters.

Do you know the existence of Burgerpants x Mew Mew? Well... we can say honeycotton work in a similar way? Yeah the ship dinamic is different but I hope it helps lol

Q- You made this ship?

SADLY... Nop. I didn't. This ship borned probably in october 2015.... And I started ship it in July 2016. But I made the ship name, the universe, and the 70% of the fanarts. Whatever happened in 2015 have nothing with my ideas of the ship. SO, I DON'T CARE, I ADOPTED IT AND NOW IT IS mine. Mine! MINE!! >:3

Q- Isn't Mad Mew Mew a lesbian and Asriel aromantic?

Sorry bud but these aren't canon, buuut very valid hcs btw ❤️ here are my LGBTQI+ Hc of them :D!:

Mad Mew Mew: Transgirl (she/her) Bisexual+Biromantic (canon)

Flowey/Asriel (they goes by both names): Hermaphrodite Genderfluid (Any pronouns) Lesbian Demiromantic and Demisexual.

Pd 1: I was waiting for so long finally make canon lesbian flowey but i needed do more researchs for that first. And yes, Genderfluid people can be lesbians.

Pd 2: I want say in this space I'm so sorry for hc him as intersexual before and for the wrong reasons (him being a flower). After do many researchs Hermaphrodite ≠ Intersexual, it have a different meaning and searching testimonies about intersexual it is an offensive and stigmatizing term. Thanks for read and I'm so so sorry for notice this late by my own :")

I recommend this page for learn about intersexual people!

Q- You HC Adult Flowey/Asriel in the present only for this ship?

Short Answer: No! If that were the case.... yeah that would be weird. It is just a coincidence this is my fav OTP and a big hyperfixation. It is a mix of personal stuff, a lot of analisis and what works better for me.

// I decided delete the whole section explaining (not in a best way tho) about my interpretations and stuff because it was... useless.

Q- Are you working for a Deltarune MITF Au?

DUHHH, but not a priority. I'm waiting next Deltarune chapters!

Q- Do you see them in a romantic way when they're interacting in fanwork that wasn't made by you?

I have a huge respect for other people fanwork. Yes, I may be look happy as fuck seeing them interacting in art who wasn't made by me (because THEY are also my fav characters lol), but not for that reason I will ship them there if the context in the fanwork isn't for that AND MORE if on it Flowey is a CHILD. I have limits, and If I want people respect my universe I need respect other people universes too.

Q- Do you ship them in differents aus?

I will not lie, I used to do that years ago. But I learned thats wrong and I don't do that anymore without the consent of creators since that (the three fanarts I did are now delethed). If the Devs of the Au are comfortable with it I will love make concepts for the ship in their AUs (only in cases where Asriel/Flowey is an adult/Similar age with Maddie, not a toxic relationship and both characters have sexualities that let them be together... But I can also make platonic/frienship/rivals concepts too (both with similar age).

I will ship them in aus only in cases with consent/if people makes their own honey cotton content. If I don't have consent then I wouldn't do it.

Q- In your PRINCIPAL universe what is canon and what isn't canon?

//pd: All the honey cotton fanarts made by me are from my ship Au universes, but many of these are from alt timelines/universes. So, if you see art of:

•Mad (Dummy form) x Flowey/Asriel (both forms) kissing/being a couple isn't canon. In MITF au Principal they only became a couple much after Maddie's transition as Mad Mew Mew. These drawings are from an alternative not serious timeline. I'll be honest, i do those more for a nostalgic reason and as fanservice for myself and fans. Sorry guys for let you know in this way😔

•Flowey/Asriel x Mad Mew Mew/Dummy as evil. Not serious alternative neutral universe.

•Mad Mew Mew x Photoshop Flowey, not serious Alternative neutral universe

•Joke/Memes drawings aren't canon. These are made only for make me laugh. Only for that reason, for make me laugh. These have alt timelines where nothing is serious or logicall. If you find some of them problematic, let me know it. If the drawing is confusing (if it is serious or just a joke) also let me know it.

Q- I can use some of your concept for my au?

How this is only a personal Alternative Universe from a game that I didn't made... I can't own concepts. So, yes, take all the concepts you want I guess (ex: Asriel robot body, Undyne and Asriel being siblings, Flowey adult hc, etc). But you can't make changes to my AU... cuz, it is more personal to me. Instead I recomend you make your own version of it ;) (with an alternative name or idk use your head).

But I wouldn't mind crossovers 👀

Q- Is this ship dendrophilia/necrophilia/mechaphilia?

They're monsters (ok I know the flower tecnically isn't a monster BUT how Asriel dust fused with the flower... It should make him half monster????So, huh, yeah I don't think the ship is any of these stuff-

Q- Can I request other artists honey cotton?

Sadly I can't stop people do that... but if you really like my content and you have the need to see other people vissions of the ship... PLEASE, first ask what are their headcanons on Flowey/Asriel. NOT EVERYBODY HC adult Flowey/Asriel or are openly to rarepairs. I want build a healty community, be empathic to others.

Q- Can I RP/Kin your MITF Flowey?

How you can do rp of a character based on a story I didn't posted yet...?

Q- Can I RP Honey Cotton?

Not in my hands, so you can do whatever you want. BUT, I will not tolerate problematic RP. Example: If you RP as Child Asriel x Adult MewMew

Q- Can I request you?

Yeah, but I WON'T draw:

-Maddie as an adult and Flowey as a child or viceversa (Romantic, platonic/friendship, babysitting, etc) Idea that make me feel really really uncomfortable. Is like you ask somebody who HC child flowey/asriel and deny adult flowey headcanon draw Honey Cotton... IT. IS. WEIRD. And will be uncomfortable for both of US. Respect people!

-Abusive.

-NSFW.

-And everything that makes me uncomfortable but I can't put in words right now.

Q- ... WHY YOU WRITED ALL OF THIS???? IT IS A LOT OF TEXT WTFFF W YOU

BAHAHHAHA I'M SORRY!! I'M REALLY VERY VERYY ANXIOUS, VERY VERY ANXIOUS. I CAN'T CONTROL IT AND I DON'T WANT NOBODY MISSUNDERSTOOD ME AAAAAA TOT.

//Before finish... welcome to my page, I'm someone who sadly comited a lot of mistakes in the past (mistakes i'm not proud of, thanks because my 0 social skills). I still have to learn a lot, but I can promise you I will try my best to be better and better. How you can notice I always make changes on this long pinned post, it is thanks for my new experiencies talking with people (good or bad ones). I'm very grateful inside for all these experiences, it helps me be more mature (even if it toke me time realice). Thanks very much for being there, as a person with an inexplicable passion about a VEEERY rarepair...

[icharchivist]

i try not to get worked up when people don’t like my fav characters because i know that on top of me being really forgiving in term of how much a character can do for me to be pissed at them, i also tend to be driven toward more morally questionable characters especially if they did pretty fucked up things to get there. I find those stories fascinating. But even so in general i do my best to be understanding and not think too much about it.

.... but i’m thinking too much about it, so sorry rant under the cut about what a friend told me about Banri that has been working me up all day

one of the friend i dragged into a//3 who told me initially that she liked Banri fine, started to send me messages about Banri like “oh i’m sure this guy would bully Misumi” and i was so????? Like what the fuck??? i know at this point she only watched the anime but...??????

Banri only ever show overprotection over the summer kids. He genuinely cares for them and act as a protector to them, more explicitly so with Yuki and Kumon, even Muku if we take the coin talks, and he is on a set of mutual respect with Tenma. 

I think my friend is jumping to conclusion because of the way Banri treated Juza, but that doesn’t mean “he’s a bully and just want to bully people”, Juza represented something for Banri and this is this something that Banri was attacking. Juza was the first time Banri felt an ongoing thrill since a long long time. His portrait establish that Banri felt dead inside unless he was in a thrill of a fight, and even there it ended quick because he would always win - and Juza being stronger meant that this thrill and battle kept going until after the fight was over. And Banri didn’t know how to interpret that thrill and just thought he had to defeat Juza, until finally he realized he was better growing along with people at Mankai and that he could find his thrill in a place that was neither self destructive nor destructive of others.

His bullying of Juza was more the result of his frustration around what was essentially a depressive mental state, and trying to process this frustration until he could find an alternative, not because he considered Juza weird or that he had to be punished for being outside the norms.

And yeah it sucks that he took it all out on Juza especially since Juza has a history of people always targeting him and attacking him, i’m not saying his actions toward him were okay and i’m not even arguing it wasn’t bullying in some sort, but that doesn’t mean that Banri gets a kick from humiliating people, especially not more “vulnerable” people. He’s shown, on the contrary, to be extremely protective with them. And especially now that Banri found the thrill of a passion that makes him feel alive, and that he’s since shown himself to seek to understand people more and connect with them, i feel that on the contrary seeing them all being so passionate about something is something Banri would want to protect. Imo his speech with Yuki in Into the Night really sums it up.

But i know my friend only watched the anime but it still. rubs me the wrong way, like i did try to nudge by pointing out little details building up to that (mainly that Banri was upset the costumes were destroyed NOT because of the issues with the play but because “who the fuck would destroy Yuki’s hardwork?”. Yuki and Banri’s friendship is really one of my fav dynamic and it is here so early on...) but there’s little i can do without being overbearing and imposing my opinion on her which i do not want to do.

I know my friend has a very hard time with bully types of character and tbh i did tell her originally that i expected her to dislike Banri, so when she told me she liked him it came as a surprise to me.... but now she talks about it a little more and i feel like she’s trying to make him more of a bully in her head than he actually is and it works me up so bad. If she just disliked him, fine, but i don’t like the idea of twisting his character into someone worse than he is just to justify this feeling that is perfectly reasonable to have without having to blow it out of proportion.

She got into the game recently to try to see the stuff the anime cut and she’s waiting until she unlocked the whole story, after which i’ll send her the Act 1 events, and i just hope Into the Night will change her mind on Banri, if not making him likeable to her, just... just not having to make me read that Banri would bully any of the summer kids ever again yaknow?

Especially now right before icwtn that i still haven’t read but i’m pretty sure Banri is supposed to play a teacher who is supposed to help Misumi as a student? so i feel like if a Banri&Misumi is going to be explored there it will continue with the trend of Banri being protective with the Summer kids.

Banri is a character i really love, he’s very high in my top, though i remain aware of the fact the way he treated Juza can really rub people the wrong way.... but i find it disheartening that a character with much more facets of himself is defined by actions that are from a time he was lashing out due to being in a bad mental space. But re: first paragraph i guess. :/

if anything though it kinda makes me feel bad that i got her into it...? tbf it’s not like i told her she HAD to get into it, i think i told her in passing when i got into it two years ago telling her i love it, then it’s mostly that she follows me on twitter so she sees the stuff i post about it there... idk it rubs me the wrong way dkfldjf Like thankfully others people i dragged into a3 have had delightful takes about it and i loved to talk about it with them

this one specifically just kinda makes me hella sad because i don’t want to be forcing my opinion on her either and there’s a line between “i know more stories than you” and just “you’re wrong about how you feel” that can be blurry and i really don’t want to cross it.

And it’s also another layer of meh because it’s not like i liked Banri strongly on my first read either but the moment he realized he liked theater is when i started to genuinely enjoy him and put stuff back into perspective and idk i guess i just. feel sad it’s not that easy for others i guess?

And i���m just kjdhfjd also anxious because yeah so far she just watched the anime and there’s a few things she said about some chara i don’t specifically vibe with (like she finds Sakuya super boring D: my son......) and i get more anxious with the stories to come and well. If you know me you know what i can be really anxious about.

[best-enemies]

[Back on my twitter account I made a thread with my favorite Thoschei fanfics. It’s a way to save the best works I’ve read and also divulge them for more Thoschei fans. So I decided to bring it here to this account (because that’s what I talk about here the most lol). I’ll update every once in a while as I read them, and you can find the posts on my blog under the tag #Best Enemies Recs.]

Unbound

Author: Verayne

R: Explicit (always read the warnings first)

Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Simm!Master

Chapters: 8/8

I’ll always have a soft spot for Tensimm. I’ve read many fanfics with them over the years but surprisingly I have barely read multi-chaptered ones  – let’s say once I was reading a really good fanfic (from another fandom) and then the author abandoned it forever. I understand, of course, that fanfiction is fun and we all  – including myself  – have busy lives. But I was a bit scared that it would happen again, so I avoided multi-chaptered fanfics for a long time.

Until very recently, of course. It’s funny because I thought I was more familiar with Verayne’s works, perhaps I’ve known her from back in the day in the fandom.

Unbound is, definitively, one of the best Tensimm fics I’ve ever read. I found myself very engaged with the story  – one of the reasons is that the chapters are very well developed and wrapped. I could read a chapter a day and didn’t forget the details, but at the same time, they always left me extremely anxious to read the next chapter. The way Verayne writes yearning, which for me is the central point of multi-chapter shippy fanfics, is so satisfying. You could catch me on the bus, on my way to work, completely immersed in the story, and being pissed as fuck when I had to get off the bus. I could not think about anything else.

Writing Tensimm, for me at least, is really difficult. Writing smut, which is complicated on itself, is already hard but adding the depth to their relationship which, in my opinion, should be explored more, is the real challenge. I loved Verayne’s interpretation of them. One thing I adore about fandom is that each of us have a different interpretation of the characters we love and I love reading other people’s takes and headcanons of my faves. And I fell even more in love with these two while reading this fanfic. The way they wanted to be with each other but for the most part even denied each other their touch and feelings... I could write about it all day. 

Fun fact: I never really understood Clara’s arc until this fic. Some will say it’s not really complicated, but I never really bothered to learn that part before (sorry Clara fans!). I thank Verayne for indirectly explaining it.

I wish I still had it fresh on my mind so I could make a better review. I remembered this fic today while I was trying to find more Thoschei to read (I got some recommendations from my mutuals and I want to thank them in advance! I’ll go through them all as soon as I can!), so I had the idea to bring my thread to my blog. 

What I can say about this fanfic is that, through darker themes (I mean, it’s Tensimm) and smutty scenes, if you want to dive into their feelings for each other: this fic is for you.

[rpbetter]

a vent (feel free to ignore if it's too much!): so recently i've noticed psd makers getting anon asks on whether they're ok with people who write certain topics (mostly rpf, incest, rape, underage, the usual "problematic" topics) using their recourses. now, i don't roleplay any of these subjects on tumblr, so even if a content creator said not to use their stuff, it's not even something i need to worry about - but, and maybe this is me overthinking it, what if i, someday, write a noncon fanfic on ao3? i'm still not using their resources on the subject or writing it on tumblr, but i'd probably feel weird about it, like i'm crossing some boundary. what if a psd maker whose content i've already purchased suddenly goes "actually don't use my psds if you rp abusive relationships", which is probably the closest to what people consider "taboo themes" of the things that i roleplay. it just feels like a fine line between personal boundaries and a shitty situation for a customer - not wanting to cross boundaries but already having PAID for something previously, when no such rules existed. it's making me want to 1. block everyone i see saying this, because even though i don't personally roleplay the topics above, i don't feel SAFE around people who tell others what kind of fiction they are allowed to enjoy and 2. just quit using people's resources and spend years learning to make my own psds so i won't have to worry about this shit. it's just stressing me out, as someone who has been harrassed and bullied online for speaking against censorship. i've had literal sock accounts made just to spew targetted harrassment at me on twitter. i've been accused of being a pedo and supporting incest and this is??? literally for saying "i don't think real people should be harrassed for fictional shit", i've not even shipped underage or incest ships. both make me uncomfortable. but fuck, antis make me 1000000x more uncomfortable than people who ship these kinda ships. i digress, this got rambley, i just. do you have any advice on what to do with the potential psd situation, or am i really just overthinking it? (always worried i accidentally send stuff like this off anon. help)

I need you to know that I actually had to rush-scroll back up and just double check that you did submit on anon lol! I always get worried I'll miss the one person who accidentally didn't use anon, if it makes you feel any better! When someone does submit with their URL attached, I message them first to be sure they are okay with them having it posted that way/it wasn't an accident ;) That's what I would want someone to do!

Alright, so, anyhow...

I've also noticed that becoming a more common thing and it's been on my (maybe huge) list of things to look into for a bit because I really do try to make sure I'm not just noticing things in my areas of the RPC/failing to notice things that do not impact me. Since I do all my edits and graphics, it falls into the first category for me. So, thank you for moving that up the list and informing me that it really is more prevalent and not my imagination!

My take on seeing it was a combination of business logic and anxiety, not going to lie.

On the first: charging to do a psd that is just that, just a psd file being used as a template/to act as an easier version of a photoshop "action" in a way, that's 100% legal and fine. Absolutely no muddy waters there. However, charging to do things like icons, edits, etc. that include images of celebrities and stills from movies (or gifs) is quite muddy. Legally, it's not legal. It's a thing we're allowed to do and use (on most platforms) because we're not making money off of it, we're not claiming to hold rights to the images, and so on - it's ignored but illegal. Charging money for it, however, even when phrased as "for my time" (which, absolutely valid feeling), is a more serious form of illegal and potentially attention-getting. This all gets more iffy though when we add donation instead of direct commission/purchase when working with these copyrighted materials. You can ask people to donate and suggest a donation based on your time spent, and that is always what I advise people to do.

Okay, so, that preface is necessary because the thing about stipulating use-rights is that they're iffy, too, there are variables present.

Often, these same people are charging for things like icon packs as well, meaning that even if they're only charging you for a template-style psd file sans imagery they don't own, they've kind of shot themselves in the foot. Not to mention, it's exceedingly damn hypocritical to pitch a fit about someone violating your rights when you're literally using other people's copyrighted materials lmao And that does tend to occur to me, yeah, it's a consequence of attorney friends and running businesses.

The other issues with this are that usage rights have to be stated at the time of purchase and morality clause-style shit, as pertains to products, is not legally binding.

When you purchase something like a psd file, that purchase acts as a sort of contract.

Think of like...buying a photoshop brush set - the person selling it puts very simple rules as to its use, such as: non-commercial use only, brush pack cannot be resold or distributed for free, separate brushes from the pack cannot be resold or distributed for free individually. Meaning that you own the brushes you bought, but you are not legally allowed to make real-life money from anything you use them in, and you cannot send the whole pack or files individually to friends for free or charge other people for them. By buying these, you have agreed to these stipulations of use and ownership.

If the person sells psd's and you agree to what they've stated about the use (you can't use them to do commissions you make IRL money from, you can't give them away to friends, etc.), that's binding even somewhere as casual as RP Land. The exchange of real currency makes it that serious.

However, there are limits to stipulations of use! One of those things is when you agreed - this person cannot, even one literal second, later change their terms of use and retroactively hold you to them. If they were okay with you not crediting them anywhere or using them in works you will gift others or charge others something like game currency for at the time you purchased, then that's it. Tough shit for them, not you, when they decide a month later that they want credit given where the work appears, that they do not want finished products gifted, or don't want you to make even in-game currency from them.

And that absolutely would apply to the morality wank, yes.

Except that this very morality wank comes with its own issues. Reality is not tumblr. In reality, at least in most instances and countries, you can't throw in a fucking morality clause regarding the buyer, use of item, or finished product.

Think of this in this way: Chik-Fil-A starts denying chicken and waffle fries to anyone suspected of being queer. They're legally allowed to run their business (as a private business, everything does have variables) with some things that are morally objectionable that they feel morally aligns with their religious beliefs. They're not allowed to deny queer workers a job or queer customers service, however, in accordance with overarching laws.

While "being gross" online in fiction is not like, making anyone a protected status person lol this is just an extreme example to drive home the point. Legally, when it comes to items/products be they digital or physical, your rights and responsibilities as the seller don't include your moral policing.

What your right is, is to make people uncomfortable to a degree, yeah. You absolutely can do that. You can state some nasty shit about prospective buyers you don't want. For example, they should (I mean, they should just grow up and get some real concerns, but) be stating that they would not like to see their psd's used by people on this following DNI list of idiocy, and they will block those users if possible to prevent interaction and purchase. That's really it, that's what they can do and the least immature way to proceed.

On the second: none of this logic would make me feel comfortable about interacting with them and their psd's in the future once they had outed themselves as morally objectionable and dangerous to me with this nonsense. And I would still feel anxious about using things I had previously bought because once harassed...it doesn't really go away, does it? It would just give me some ease about the latter with things I'd already made. Like, I could keep using the icons I'd made with those psd's with a little bit more comfort knowing that they honestly have not a leg to stand on outside of their harassment.

I might have the tendency to respond to harassment without much upset, but that doesn't mean I want to be harassed. Especially when I am not doing anything that draws that kind of attention. Not that harassment is warranted over anything, but when I make a PSA or answer an ask that I know is likely to get their attention and piss them off? That's an acceptable risk I am knowingly taking. When I'm just going about my life as a RPer, it isn't.

So, I don't feel like you're overthinking it or being too concerned! In no way did you sign up for getting unwanted attention, and because it has happened before, of course, you're trying to insulate yourself from having it happen again. That's totally reasonable!

Now, what you could do about it...

It's another of those situations in which we're only truly capable of controlling ourselves. Everyone else is kind of a NPC.

You don't have to do anything I'm suggesting, but these are things I would do!

I would block the shit out of anyone saying these things/trying to make them stipulations, yes.

By that, I mean that I would also visit blogs they appear to interact with and they'd be blocked as well. We can all reblog something like resources or a shit post from a user we do not agree with without realizing it, but when it's frequent reblogs, direct support, and friendly vibes going on, it's safer to assume that they are aware their friend sucks. More importantly, that they do not think their friend sucks and support their views.

Even if that is not the case, do you want someone else's repeated inattention to expose you to bad actors? Nope! So, don't run the risk of paying and otherwise interacting with the one resource blog in the group that doesn't express these views/"requirements," but does involve themselves with those who do.

Try to find people selling these resources, that are not connected to the problem ones, who do not have those views. Once a trend starts, it is very hard to stop until it has run its course naturally, so, this might be difficult and take some extreme effort. You might want to consider asking like-minded friends who use psd's where they got them so you can check those users out for yourself.

If they're all the same, problem, people...

Look for users well outside of your corner of the RPC(s) who are not asking to be paid. I know it sounds wild, but there really are RPers out there who just enjoy making things for others! I can think of at least one right off on my dash. They might not be advertising for doing psd's or psd packs, but either they might be willing to do so (especially if they do not appear policing-positive) if you explain what is going on, or they could at least fill some requests for you for fully made icons and such. Hell, people who love doing this work usually know others who do as well, and anti-policing people quite reasonably stick together. They could have suggestions for someone not vile selling psd's.

Depending on what it is you want your psd's to do, I promise you that it wouldn't take you very long to learn it. I know...I know lol that's both really easy for me say when I've been doing it for over twenty years and am about to piss some people off. The latter because the most common settings on popular psd's are extremely simple shit, a lot of that is the kind of thing you're expressly told not to do in design work. Like ramping up extreme contrast, pixelating the fuck out of an image, and turning up the primary colors only. Once you get to playing with photoshop or an equivalent, you will totally see what I mean. You can accidentally make an icon look identical to something that is on trend in the RPC. If that was what you were going for? You've hit the mark, and it's just repetition and tweaking it here and there!

Once you start playing with it, too, it's actually pretty intuitive when it comes to the basic things like resizing, adjusting colors and contrast, and doing easy effects like blurs and sharpening. Frankly, playing with it is better than half the tutorials you'll find because they get unnecessarily complicated when all you want to do is crop your muse's face, overlay some color, and add a damn dotted border. Listen, like I said, I have a lot of experience...and I find many tutorials frustrating and overwhelming!

It is not just you, you're not dumb or anything. People get very comfortable with something and when they try to explain it to others, they use terms and methods that are more advanced or specific to them than they realize. That's all!

If you have friends who make their own things, ask them some very basic questions about what you want to do. They know you, so, they'll know better how to explain to you, specifically. Just keep it simple until you've had some time to experiment! Ask things like, "I want to take this image, resize it to be an icon, and add an orange tint to the image while sharpening only my muse's features...how would I do that? Easy mode?"

And! You don't even have to pay for photoshop or pirate it anymore! Photopea is as an exact copy as possible entirely located in your browser for free. It's all overwhelming at first, a real case of too many options and ways to do the same thing, but the only way it gets less overwhelming is just diving into it. Dive in, get a little frustrated, have some successes, make some awesome discoveries, it gets a bit addicting in short order. Then, the tutorials and tips are so much easier to figure out and expand on, too.

If you'd like, you can always send me a pm here and ask me. I'm happy to try to explain how to do things, zero judgment or impatience. Just an additional option if you both decide to try learning and would feel comfortable doing that. Zero judgment as well on not wanting to do either of those things!

Okay, this one is much harder than learning PS basics because it's honestly a bit terrifying...the way these people are, they're going to take issue with you no matter what you do, and in the end, if they notice you and feel like bothering you, they will. There's literally nothing you can do about it. All you can do is try to buffer yourself, stay away from them, and be aware that you are not the problem.

Like with the AO3 thing or writing what could be viewed as toxic relationships. You can never write or be interested in a single, solitary thing that they're on about (and accusing you of doing in real life when the burning Eye of Moron turns your direction), but to them, you supporting the right of other people to do so is just as bad as doing it yourself. To them, the toxic relationships not only would be problematic, they'd be problematic enough. Being uncomfortable with their policing and feeling unsafe because of it is, to them, a red flag of how problematic you are. Writing anything they've deemed objectionable (or reading or viewing it, for that matter) anywhere, doesn't have to be on this platform or RP-adjacent, doesn't have to actually utilize any of their materials, is enough.

They're absolutely including you in who shouldn't use their shit. That's part of the "logic" and methodology of policing. Everyone is problematic, so, everyone can be labeled a pedo and harassed without too many people getting up in arms about it. No one is safe, so, everyone better behave. You don't actually have to be engaging with or enjoying things like underage, non/dubcon, rape, abusive relationships, etc.

It's gross, it's bullying, it's actually a problem...and there isn't much you can do.

All that is truly up to you is making an effort to avoid them, though, this is very often unfair and likely to get more unfair as resource blogs of all sorts deal in it more. At least, in this case, you do have some small bit of actionable power - by not ever buying from them. They wouldn't be charging if they did not either need or want the money, not giving it to them is a bigger hit than things like simply unfollowing/blocking, reblogging PSA's, and so on is!

Nope, it isn't like you're denying them some extreme amount of money by yourself, but every three, five, ten dollars is felt pretty hard when you desperately need money and/or are saving for something.

I know, I mean, I personally do know, that it's impossible to "get over" bullying, Anon. I'm in no way telling you to just get over it and move on, find some great well of not caring somewhere! What I'm saying is that there is power in not giving them power. The power to make you anxious, uncomfortable, unsafe, when you have every right to be here doing your thing and are not hurting anyone. And it might seem to be a deeply contrary sort of logic, but realizing and accepting that there are people out there who irrationally dislike you for literally no reason, that you cannot infallibly escape or avoid, despite doing nothing wrong is a bit empowering. Because it puts into perspective the things you can control, and when we know what is in our control, it's easier to just enjoy our time here without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If it drops, we can go put it back in the closet where it belongs.

It starts to put a positive spin on the whole, damned if I do, damned if I don't feeling, if that makes sense? I'm probably way too tired to try to be explaining this lol I'm sorry!

Anyway, again, I'm not implying you can or should do any, let alone all, of those suggestions! I just really hope that something will help you feel even a little bit more at ease. It's an unfair situation, it isn't right, and you have every reason to be uncomfortable and stressed. If I could make it happen, you better believe that every policing asshole out there would be writing heartfelt apology letters and sending donations to everyone they've upset lol but...since I can't make that happen, all I can do is say what I, personally, do, would do, or have done.

[x0401x]

Hoshiai no Sora: Cast Comments

Q & A with the voice actors of the main cast. Translated from the official Twitter. Feel free to point out any corrections, and please check out some of the creators’ accounts:

Akane Kazuki (director)

Itsuka (character designer)

Takeshi (animator)

Kyuujou Kiyo (illustrator)

Takahashi Yuuichi (animator)

MLANG (animator)

Hanae Natsuki-san (voice of Katsuragi Maki)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

At first, I guessed he was a cool and behaved kid, but this changed into the impression that he was a child with no two-facedness to him and a feel-good personality, who firmly conveys his own opinions without being swayed by the people around him. Also, he laughs and makes merry in accordance to his age too, so it is fun to play him.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I was part of the soft tennis club, so I am extremely happy to get to perform in this production. Through this series, many things had me thinking, “This happens, this happens” and it makes me reminisce to my school days. I was the vice-president, but our tennis club was not that earnest about competing, so we did not go as far as Shijou Minami Junior High, but I believe the club activities had a similar air to them.

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

This is a work that touches the rare subject of soft tennis, while the number of schools that only have regular tennis gradually increases as one goes from middle to high school. It is a given for people who take part in soft tennis, but the delicate feelings of middle schoolers are also being depicted here through getting quite deep into their core, so I believe this is a series that makes the ones watching feel and think all sorts of things. Please watch over it until the very end.

Hatanaka Tasuku-san (voice of Shinjou Touma)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

Shinjou Touma is a child with an extremely strong sense of responsibility. The environment he grew up in has an influence on this, but he ends up exploding due to shouldering too many things and not knowing how to let it out when it became hard for him... The more I get to know him, the more I feel like giving him a hug. That’s the kind of person he is.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I was part of the basket club during my six years from middle to high school and on the bench. That’s why I would let my voice out higher than anyone, and since I could not manage to do anything whenever I entered the court, I would just run, anyhow. The nickname I earned from this was “Runner”. I was neither “center” nor “forward”, just “Runner”.

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea of how this work will be receptioned. But I thought, “I want to respond to the things that the director wants to write about and to his passion, from the bottom of my heart”. That’s why I had strong thoughts about getting close to the individuals that appear in this story, being hurt and moving forward together with them, and taking part in this series. I am truly glad to have become involved with it. Please do have expectations for it.

Matsuoka Yoshitsugu-san (voice of Ameno Itsuki)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

He is a boy with a deep darkness to him, except this darkness has a proper reason to be, so I look forward to when people get shocked upon finding that out. He is also a cute boy, so I hope people will enjoy the many emotions, expressions and lines from him.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I was in the wind instruments club, but I was always thinking about skipping. There were few guys in it, so whenever classes ended, a senior would often come to pick me up! Like, “Matsuoka! I’ll go with you!!” I really gave him a lot of trouble.

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

It is turning into a story that will not go through conventional methods. Many individuals of all kinds appear in it, but this is a series that depicts each human being very rawly, so I hope people will enjoy this rich story until the end. We also want to perform “Hoshiai no Sora” to our utmost, so we will be in your care from now on too!

Satou Gen-san (voice of Futsu Rintarou)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

Rintarou is a very serious and kindhearted person who can observe his surroundings better than anyone. On one side, he is extremely sensible, overthinks, does not manage to give his opinions and ends up hiding his true thoughts, so when I perform him, I make sure to do it while deciding in my mind, “Don’t leave Rintarou on his own no matter what” and, “Stay close to him until the end”.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I used to belong to the kendou club, but the club activities were aimed to win the nationals, so practice was extremely severe. During practice match expeditions, we would ride in the late-night bus and keep practicing from morning to evening non-stop just like that, and to make our bodies grow bigger, we would eat a mountain of curry, fist-sized minced meat fried cakes and gigantic hot dogs in one go until we got upset stomatches, so I have the strong impression that it was strict and terrible if nothing else.

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

I think its contents resonate with the hearts of both people who are currently students and people who are working as members of society. If they could love the characters of Hoshiai no Sora, who are somewhat heartrending but try to live day by day with utmost effort, I would be really happy.

Toyonaga Toshiyuki-san (voice of Soga Tsubasa)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

I have the impression that he is a child right in the middle of puberty, who ends up saying what he thinks aloud. It feels like he takes a while to find the will to do things, so I think he is simply carefree.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I was a ghost member of the basket club. I joined because a girl I liked back then was a member of the female basket club. My motive was impure, huh (laughs).

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

I think it will be pretty impactful for those who watch it thinking that it is an uplifting youth-and-sports thing. It depicts all sorts of problems that actually happen in reality. Please do watch these strong messages with your families; I would be happy if they become a trigger for people to reflect on things.

Satou Keisuke-san (voice of Takenouchi Shingo)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

I thought Shingo was an upfront kid in a very good sense. Also, I felt that, in contrast with his strong-look appearance, he is very considerate of his friends, has a side to him that’s got guts, and is adorable too. I am really looking forward to how he will progress from now on.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I was in the basket club, but all I did was slack off. There were only four members and the club activities only included running, and after that, we would do nothing but chat. Then we would run off so that the teacher of that period would not find us out (laughs). I would think, “One way or another, these are also memories of my youth”.

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

Developments that people cannot predict at all are waiting, and they make you extremely anxious. It is fully loaded with obsession for even minute details, so you will be unable to take your eyes off it from the beginning to the end! I hope to enjoy these moments together with everyone. “Hoshiai no Sora” is in your care!

Koyabashi Yuusuke-san (voice of Tsukinose Nao)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

Nao is a child whose appearance and mind are flighty, and also a mysterious kid who speaks of dellusions as if they were actually reality. But during club activities, he makes efforts in his own way so that he will not drag everyone down, so the gap between this and his fickle personality left an impression on me.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I was in the wind instruments club. I wanted to play the trumpet, but the pretty senior who was teaching us during the trial enrollment played the horn, so I was swayed by her sweet talk, and before I realized it, I was playing the horn myself (laughs). I should beware of sweet temptations, is what I thought during my middle school years.

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

People might get tripped up if they are watching it thinking that it is an anime where children are enjoyably playing soft tennis to their utmost. It is precisely because those kids are at that age that I would like people to observe thoroughly the depiction of the mindsets they embrace.

Amasaki Kouhei-san (voice of Ishigami Taiyou)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

I think Taiyou-kun is a gentle child. He cannot decide things on his own, always taking action by matching up with other’s opinions. I felt that the way his Kansai dialect sometimes has a common language ring to it was realistic.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I was in the swim club. During summer, we would swim over 10km from morning to evening. We would run the competitive club relays in the PE festival wearing one layer of swimsuit. I think it was an experience I can no longer manage.

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

“Hoshiai no Sora” is a work made extremely carefully, and even during the post-recording, the love I can feel from the creators is huge, so I think it is a very good series. There is not much I can say, so I hope you all can see for your own eyes when you watch it on-air! We will be in your care!

Mineda Mayu-san (voice of Mitsue Kanako)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

When I first saw her, I thought, “I guess she’s a shy and quiet girl?”, but that was splendidly betrayed. Kanako is the type to straightforwardly say what she thinks to the other party, and I think this aspect of hers, in a good sense, reeks of humanity quite a bit.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I was the president of the art club, but I would walk around campus after school and observe the activities of other clubs. That includes the soft tennis club and the like. To all the art club members of back then, I’m sorry for being such an undisciplined club president...

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

This story intersects with the many emotions of middle schoolers living in the current era, who might actually exist somewhere within Japan. Also, the sounds of batted balls and squealing of sneakers are very real and have intensity, so I would like people to pay attention to them as well.

Yamaya Yoshitaka-san (voice of Asuka Yuuta)

Q1. Please tells us your impression about the character you play.

He is androgynous and has a soft demeanor, and I think he is truly a boy of kindhearted disposition. He somewhat lacks confidence, so he steps back and has a bird’s-eye view of things, but there is a reason for it. I would like people to pay attention to him along with the other characters’ worries.

Q2. Please tell us a memory of club activities from your middle school days.

I was in the soccer club. I had many experiences, like how plain fun it was kicking the ball, having awkward relationships, and learning the joy of getting sweaty doing practice and winning.

Q3. Leave a message for the people watching the series.

This is not just a multi-protagonist story about the youth of bright and uplifting boys. Troubles and issues that surely exist somewhere out there, though people usually do not try to look at them, are depicted realistically in it, and there were times it made my chest hurt. I want everyone to watch how each of them will face the things they are shouldering until the very end.