#because i gotta do this shit tomorrow too
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#tko_art#hahah wrong eye shape#hers is more droopy and less awakey#wow colors suck#really hard#but i've noticed it doesn't feel like my brain is going to explode everytime I try to determine color and values#i kind of got too tired and wanted to giv eup so no tear drop#which made me sad because i did want to try that#but back hurts#gotta go to bed to fight god tomorrow/today#i love rendering skin tones#they're so much fun#lovely love#I have accidentally locked in#suddenly every single moment of time that i'm not spending to do art is unappealing and so damaging#i'm psyching myself out of doing things I know will give me instant gratification and will make me pretty happy for whattttttttt#it's kinda depressing#If i think about it too hard it's just a constant cycle of oh god this is it for the rest of my life#so no thinking it is!#blegh this seems so silly and trivial#i hope nobody reads this shit#i'd have to kill myself or something#im never gonna stop thinking about how i didnt say i loved you back#and it haunts me#and i cant stop thinking about what u said to me#and even tho u didnt say it harshly i cant stop my mind from running away from me#and theres something horribly wrong with me that i need to gouge out#i hope u never read this#i didnt want to be (x) how fucked up is that#i wish i wasnt like this i wish i didnt have to learn how to live with trauma i wish i was normal
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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Man I really need to write down all my dragon age OC lore because it just keeps getting more convoluted and complex but. I am lazy. And do not feel like doing it <//3
#dragon age#especially selene. like i have some things jotted down in my sketchbooks but#idk i wanna focus on what it would be like for a qunari to grow up adrastian with her#because the only qunari weve met are either tal-vashoth and assumedly dont follow any other religion#or they follow the qun#a qunari who was raised by humans and taught to believe in andraste would have suchhhh a unique relationship with the chantry#ESPECIALLY WITH HER BEING A MAGE TOO!!#SEE I GOTTA STOP WRITING THIS SHIT IN THE TAGS ON TUMBLR#I DO IT CONSTANTLY HELLO#oc: selene adaar#tomorrow. surely tomorrow i will sit and type everything up#i gotta get it done before college starts back up again lord#cant believe ill have classes when veilguard drops... surely this is homophobia???#worldstate: mage rights
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Note to self: have more than one day off next semester
#personal#vague vent#i am…. so tired. so physically exhausted#and i gotta get up and go to work tomorrow#all i did today was play amber isle for 8 hours straight#because today is my only off day and i needed to do something#i still have an essay due on sunday#i’ve got the rough draft done but it needs fine tuning#i was just too exhausted to even look at it today#augh im so tired#but it’ll all be worth it#i am 1/8th of the way done with the savings for my summer trip next year#though i still need to get my passport and do all that government shit#but! 1/8th of the way done with saving~
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this too shall pass
#starting school back again tomorrow and i’m really scared because school has never really been a safe place for me#i used to get harassed really bad#(like to an extent where some of the shit they were doing was quite literally illegal but that’s a story for another day)#and i’m insanely anxious about that#plus i’m going to go by a new name for the first time and i’m absolutely scared shitless#hopefully i will feel better in a month or so#either way this too shall pass#i’ve made it this far so yk that’s gotta count for something#tw vent#mxpotatoposts
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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whoever decided that a mental illness should have negative effects needs to DIE.
#im. i cant do school work rn.#which is AWESOME if theres two seperate big projects that i need to pass due within like. three weeks. =w=b /s#yes unforts for me the same illness that makes me unable to work rn also makes me too anxious to function if i dont do shit on time.#a deadline in three weeks is unfortunately counted as “something you need to do NOW or else your life is fucked and you will fail and DIE”.#so.#sillyposting#its.#i know i need rest because clearly.#but. ive gotta finish it. i have to.#i feel like i cant allow myself to rest which will throw me in a cycle of unrest. instead of just resting and being alright in a few days.#really doesnt help that i have big stuff to do on thursday friday saterday AND sunday.#aint no rest for the wicked.....#god.#and i cant even play my viddy game bc i cant beat the boss im at rn its so bad.....#ive just been reading BL and i will go back to that once im done with tumblr again.#god..#why must we suffer.#stuff should be easy always i think#i will. ask for help. tomorrow.
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hi! im the anon that left a really long ask about misogyny in the lmk fandom lol (İ dont have a response completely written yet, while İ do have more to talk about on the subject İ feel like a lot of it might come off as repetitive, also my ask draft is like twice as long as the first ask LOL) but ive seen you talk about about thinking about watching revolutionary girl utena on here and if you havent watched it yet id really reccomend watching it! it has a lot of the same themes as lmk (and utdr which is also something ive seen you talk about! (btw id like to hear your thoughts on utdr if you want to talk about it on here!)) so i think youd like it if you watched it! İm going to try to be vauge abt themes and topics discussed in rgu for the sake of spoilers (also i dont want to present the idea that theres a "correct interpretation" of utena because i feel like thats reductive to the narrative the show presents), but i do want to say that if you do decide to watch it you should really take a look at its trigger warnings. utena as a show does go into some very dark topics and themes and has a laundry list of content warnings that İ dont think is worth skipping . İ think it handles them well for a 90's tv show but İ think it should be mentioned regardless. i also think that something that you should know before going into it is just how much it relies on a symbolic narrative in the sense that if you arent interested in analyzing it then you probably wont get as much from the show just because of how surreal it is, İ dont think this makes rgu a worse story at all (in fact İ think it makes it better because i lets it take into account different audience interpretations and opens the room up for a lot of different analysis) BUT its something id keep in mind before watching the show lol (also i think that if you watch rgu and you like it, another thing you'd probably like is omniscent readers viewpoint! im not great at summarizing things so im not going to go too in depth on it, theres a good summary on tumblr by the user ot3 that İ think is good. my personal take on it from where İ am in the novel is that its basically like if you put lmk and utdr into a blender and then made that into a novel... (theres also a webtoon adaptation but imo its kind of bad bad)) anyway İ hope you havent watched rgu already or else this ask will be really embarassing lol.
tldr: lesbian swordfight anime is Cool and you should watch it it totally wont change you as a person ahah a
No I totally haven't watched rgu yet! I just reblog some of the stuff I see for future me who has
I totally want to though (the content warnings aren't anything that squick me), it seems interesting and you know I love me some symbolism and a meta-narrative that wants you to engage with it on a higher level. And also lesbians
#omniscient readers viewpoint sounds interesting!#I'll save my utdr thoughts for another post because that is a like 8 year long love of mine#undertale changed me as a person. obviously#And deltarune is fucking WILD holy shit (spamton begs to the audience. spamton prays to the audience. there is no audience.#LIKE S?DFKJSD???A?S?AA???)#But I can't think too much about those guys rn because lmk s5 is on the horizon and the tdp 6x01 synopsis was fucking. life changing.#And also dungeon meshi is tomorrow#so (<- barely holding it together)#do you want a name anon#like#''correct opinions anon'' or something#you should join me in shipping ivorylotus (yellowtusk X ne zha). It's about their respective devotion/duty to the world#You gotta believe me#Plus I think they're stupid in the same ways#So tunnel visioned. Both unwilling to give up on their jade emperors till the end#Comparatively normal to the people around them I feel like#asks#anon#revolutionary girl utena
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The weather needs to stop being cold and cloudy and stupid and miserable so my brain gets back out of fart stink hibernation seasonal affective disorder bastard mode. I gotta draw Sol Badguy but my motivation is directly tied to how much the sun's been out like I'm some kinda sunflower solar panel
#textpost#Winter is ALMOST OVER I saw a dandelion today in the yard and it was over 40f after the sun went below the treeline this evening#HOWEVER. we have gotten snow until May before. Hell on this bitch of an earth#Ordered Loctite for the grub screw on the gear on the extrusion motor shaft for my Ender today#Can't use it til it comes in and I glue it in place...#Tomorrow I gotta work on my 25th anniversary GG zine piece. It's gonna be cool af this whole zine is#Been thinking of things to do to my red jacket too. Might do a design with my brain dog on the back#Haven't thought further than that yet#Haven't worked on translations in a while either. No motivation. Too many think points required to read Japanese#I'll get back into it eventually#I've been keeping up on my kanji studies at least so it's not degrading. God there're so many#Mostly I've been reading a lot. Got a book on dragons. A western. Some books on writing to clean up my technique#Did a little planning for chapter 5 of Interlude this evening too. I didn't get far because I gotta reread Begin's epilogue#and check the actual canon timeline. Though Interlude's got about 5 more months chronologically til it's to the end of the epilogue#Need to clean my pipe (weed) too...#I deleted the Tumblr app off my phone the other day. Need a social media detox. I was wasting a lot of time on here#Getting worked up about shit that doesn't matter
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Hmmm maybe I have issues in my life
#i've been really tired for about. a year now?#i'm linking it to the time i got covid and that was end of july-beginning of august of last year#i've been feeling tired a lot more#which isn't cool because it means when i get home from uni i just sleep#and during holidays i lay in bed instead of doing things because i feel too tired to want to do things#but recently i've been having trouble sleeping :)#i'll just. stay in bed. not falling asleep. for hours. when i got into bed to fall asleep.#i think oh i'm tired let's take a nap to feel revitalised! and then it's 7pm and i haven't slept and i'm still tired.#so here we are. 3:30am. and i put on a new ep of daredevil because i am Tired of being tired but not sleeping#shit i have WORK tomorrow#it's in the afternoon but i gotta wake up a bit before 1pm. it's almost 4am and i need at least 8-9 hours!#ugh#wow i have a ramble tag now
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Mmmmfuckingsleepy
#not getting one thing done today because too late now#ill do it friday i guess#but gotta do this other shit with brother... and get a couple more groceries...#tomorrow im just gonna sleep until my PT appt fuck it
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-. i did it, i'm moving main blorbo to @ashbtten
#;ooc#;psa#enable me -- i'm joining - taking you up on that invitation ro ;;#if i end up doing wild shit over there because i don't feel like i'm forcing him onto people anymore that's WHOLLY on me DKLGFH#i'm so SLEEB i'll go sl e eb gotta get the brain in check to double down on work tomorrow#better finish a lil earlier than too close to the deadline#it's even more minimalist than mythvoiced but i've reached aged tumblr nonsense i'm la ZY ♥
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sooooo fun rn how i have nobody in my corner and zero shred of normality left anywhere in my life except complete escapism and neglect of any substantial action
#my best friend is going to uni instead and not having a great time so fairly nonverbal and we haven't talked in days#other best friend is not the person to go to for serious in-depth discussion of material pressing issues#i don't even have other friends#everybody hates me#school ignored me being a legal adult and contacted my parents twice now despite me telling them it was against my wishes#parents are being incredibly weird about shit again#i can't stand the idea of leaving the house tomorrow of not being simultaneously with both parents 24/7#because that's all i deserve i'm so stupid for even trying to graduate high school i'm so stupid for trying to get further education#i should've never tried i should've stayed in my room so they know where i am all day and died there#can't stand the idea of leaving school once the day is done either#but i can't i can't i have to be at dinner at 7pm and be there and make sure to be with my parents#they're so fucking right i'll never do anything else i can't do anything else that's all i know#you're fucking right mr headmaster maybe i'm just one of those people who school's not fit for#gotta wrap it up it was fun to play tamagochi for twenty years but i'm too old now and it's not cute anymore my parents can euthanize me#broadcasting my misery#vent
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#Been taking my meds as prescribed and have been on the edge of a panic attack for nearly 2 weeks now#My body is in a tremendous amount of pain#but I gotta pretend I am okay just to have people quit asking if I am okay. I am not but there is nothing to be done about it#the pain docs dgaf the bone docs dgaf the specialists dgaf#I can't even take mj to feel better because I am so allergic#and speaking of allergies I have been having what look like HIVES starting to appear randomly over my face and chest for these 2 weeks#istg if this is another fucking reaction to allergens I am just going to go meet the hatman and claim squatter's rights in his house#woke up from another passing out episode to be ravenous and had to make myself some eggs and rice#I added kimchi because there needs to be more daily veggies in this diet#Most days the meals have been a tsp of peanut butter; an applesauce or string cheese; whatever noodle; and eggs or tuna...sometimes chicken#But still they want to tell me I am eating too much daily somehow#I do also drink a fuckton of water daily#I am just so tired of these 8year experts seeing a short fat thing and immediately equating all my problems to fucking weight#something is wrong and nobody wants to look further into it#In the meantime I am going to be mentally unwell because my body feels like shattering glass under electrified water every waking moment#But sure! let me take on the responsibility of teaching 44 other households how to open an rtf file in a damn word processor#HOW TF do you get over 50 and have all problem solving skills drop out of your ass. God forbid I write simple instructions#and some asshole put out fliers on ageism near my apartment#Telling someone that they need to actually have the correct information before moving forward to do something is apparently disrespectful#I literally don't have to do anything for any of these people but they feel entitled to my time and energy because I am 30+ years younger#And they've been having kvetch sessions about who knows what in a room literally on the other side of my bedroom wall#I got shit to do in the morning so I hope to wake up somebody else tomorrow#wish me luck
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~ ~ ~
#every time I call someone my best friend they turn into a fucking problem that just hurts me and makes me sick#is it me? am I doing something wrong? am I not supposed to have close friends?#or am I just such a fuckup that by being myself it’s inevitable that I’ll ruin my friendships?#kissed my bro on the cheek last week when he wasn’t doing too great and in my mind I was doing it just as an extra way to be encouraging#and show my support and that I’m here for him cause tbh I’ve done that with plenty of other friends and it ain’t no thing#but after a week of wondering why he’s been distant and not wanting to be around me when I’m saying I just need some time with a friend he#finally admits that he thought that was weird and out of line. so I gotta backtrack and try to explain myself but now all the stupid little#pieces be fitting and I realize that he’s probably been misconstruing me wanting time with him as thinking I’m gonna try to flirt with him#or something else fucking dumb like that. despite the fact that that has never been the case and he knows me fundamentally as a person and#should know I wouldn’t ever do anything that could make either of us cheaters even incidentally. plus he’s basically like a brother to me#and I have an AFAB partner so it’s not like I’m trolling for cock anyway and he knows that too. but now I gotta go back through every#interaction we’ve had since that happened and analyze whether or not I was weird or awkward or inappropriate in some way that he could be#upset about at all. and also act like everything is fine and keep it pushing like normal and police every future action to be safe too#because of course he can’t just be straight up about anything or tell me if something bothered him no I gotta play a whole ass fucking#guessing game. and now I also can’t trust that my best friend who is supposed to know me so well won’t take things I say/do the wrong way.#can’t trust that my best friend won’t see me in a poor light now because it’s clearly been affecting the friendship#and like totally that’s my bad I overstepped a boundary I didn’t realize was there but you should have just fucking told me at the time#instead of pulling this shit and giving me anxiety and blowing me off and making me feel like shit#can’t rely on him or trust him or anything and what’s the fucking point of even having a best friend if this is what happens? I’m at the end#of my fucking rope right now so stressed and anxious and no matter how much I try to talk to him or anything he just brushes me off and#won’t let me explain or get my feelings out or anything else. but hey at least I was around for him the other day when he needed somebody#good thing I was there to keep him from going back to drinking or something else stupid and could help him out. cause that’s what really#matters right just being able to help somebody else when they need it even if they don’t reciprocate and are actively hurting me instead of#just being there for me as a friend. guess we try again tomorrow huh? what else can be done I suppose. just get to suffer and be riddled#with anxiety and stress and depression eating away at me and ruining my fucking life. can’t even enjoy the Olympics or anything else because#I’m stuck overthinking this dumb shit. just want this to be over and things to be back to normal. wanna stop being upset about this shit and#be able to let it go but I don’t fucking know how and I can’t keep losing friends because it’s killing me#personal
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#WELPP I Cant find my blog backup and its definitely not letting me click the button i give up lmao#i got more pressing issues rn fucking alarm going off for low battery i had to fucking crawl into the crawlspace behind my aquariums...#...to get to it while i have a still injured back lmao so fucking frustrating nothing is going right for me today#i wake up to the sound of a dying cat (its our tenant that neglects them) but they drove off with it before i could go outside and inspect#i have to reschedule a medical appointment because the only 2 roads out of my town are fucked and i wont make it tomorrow#so thats another week of suffering the teeth aligners and not getting to ask the doctor if its supposed to be this painful all the time#i still have a lot of trouble eating man and now i gotta extend it another week! my jaw is so fucking bad ugh#like i have spent literal years of my life waiting not being able to do anything bc treatment is delayed or just not available#especially in my small ass fucking town there are no specialists here and i cant even get into physical therapy lmao#im having to deal w no car access for weeks now which means even if a pt place magically calls me then i still dont get to go because no ca#im gonna barely make it with one pill to spare bc i cant pick up my prescriptions either bc the walk is too far for my back#im already going without the easy to eat foods i want bc i was in too much pain to go when my mom visited#fucking hate all ths shit man im so fucking tired of living like this no one should have to suffer like this im so fucking miserable ugh#delete later / /#vent#personal#Cori.exe#Post.exe
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