#be nice to have it physical so i might just go and see if i can get and gideon the ninth physically
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im sorry this might not be the place to ask for advice/help but im doomscrolling about the news and the soon to be president and im seeing so much to be scared shitless about, invasions, removal of vaccines, cost of living increases, revoking of trans rights and how it might make it all the more impossible to get the surgeries i wanted... its just too fucking scary to breathe right now what do i do with myself
Hey, Anon. I'm here. A lot of us are here right with you.
It's scary, to be sure. And I'm not going to sugarcoat the possibilities of things going south very quickly. So, let's jump into some survival tactics.
This post on burnout is a great place to start. There is a lot of overlap with burnout and the anxiety you're feeling.
Allow yourself to slow down and unplug. You are allowed to step away from the news cycle -- events out of your control will unfold regardless.
Don't feel guilty by letting yourself relax. I find it especially helpful to do activities that don't involve the internet -- I've been decorating my house, mending broken crockery, and sketching some embroidery ideas. I try to take the time to get dressed and groomed every day, to remind myself that I matter. I spend more time outdoors.
As you find the ability to relax, you'll be able to focus better on the things you can do to be resilient. Things I have been doing to improve myself and make me a better helper:
Staying on top of my medical appointments and any preventive care I can do
Working to be physically healthier overall to mitigate future medical issues
Getting all my paperwork in order, including passports
Tweaking my financial budget
Researching what estate & family documentation needs to be done to protect my relationship in case my marriage gets dissolved
Brushing up on job skills, getting new certifications to stay competitively employable
Stocking up on my medical and general emergency supplies, especially for bad weather events
Getting in the habit of mindful purchases, curbing my habit of impulse shopping
Selling things I don't want or need anymore to have a little extra money and be able to move house easier, if need be
Building a habit of fixing/maintaining my possessions instead of trashing broken things
Canceling online subscriptions and quitting social networks that make me feel in danger
Getting my personal and any queer-related files out of the cloud and onto redundant solid state drives
Downloading / printing out queer resources and buying queer art that may be banned or monitored in the future
Enjoying physical media again and hunting for old favorites
Keeping in touch with queer friends and allies and making plans in case people (even myself) need to flee
Being visible when I can and knowing when it's best to lay low
Allowing myself the luxury to dig into things Old Me would have saved for "special" events -- aka, wearing the nice clothes and eating off the fine china as an everyday thing
Shutting the fuck up, especially online, when I think my words could be used against me
In a way, I am trying to simply become a better version of myself, one who is calm & self-sufficient, mindful about his actions, and available to help those in need. It sucks that the driving factor is fear, but I intend to use that fear as a catalyst to be stronger and survive.
There is a lot to be done, but there was always going to be work, new regime or not. But please, start with that burnout article so you can jump into your own plans with new hope and energy. â€ïž
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pssspspsps Rin rin I have an interesting question for you idk. Since you're my local yandere expert (?) what do you think yan!Boothill would be like? owo
hsdfhshdf i'm honored hello??? oh, hmmm.... let me think.... this is an interesting prompt.... đ§ i haven't fully listened to his voicelines and read all of his stories, but from what i do know...
cw. yandere, possibly ooc boothill, gn!reader but mostly assumed you're an organic life
.... i think the very core of yan!boothill would be that he's afraid of losing you and therefore wants to protect you at all cost, first and foremost.
mostly because of what he's experienced in the past (he's even worse if you and him have a child or if there's a child figure in the equation). i'd anchor on that vulnerability and make it a catalyst upon his exponentially overbearing behaviour.
i personally think he's not the kind of yandere who would ever hurt you physically. restraints, perhaps, but only when it's his last resort. he would be the type that treats you like glass... especially if you're an organic life of sorts (feels weird to describe it as that but hsr has intellitrons and sentient machines so yk). he's also more on the simple-minded sort, and he's in touch with his emotional side, too ăŒ so i don't see him ever consciously try to play the mind gamesâąïž with you. if anything, you should be able to somewhat manipulate him into allowing yourself some reprieve from his overbearing tendencies if you play your cards right.
due to his constitution, he's very much into skinship, and he makes sure to store the mapping of your body into his equivalent of SSDs, along with all the other important information about you. so don't ever think he wouldn't realize it if you get even the slightest bruise; he will. and he'll fuss about it until it's healed, no matter how much reassurance you give him.
and god forbid someone hurts you in front of him ăŒ it doesn't matter where or when or who, doesn't matter if it's intentional or unintentional, they're getting a bullet to their vitals.
this man loves the feeling of your warm skin against his cold, metal chassis, but knowing that you can bleed and die drives him insane. i think, every time he cradles you close, he can't decide if the way your heart beats inside your body calms him or frightens him. the fragility of life haunts him, ever present at the back of his mind like a reaper's scythe ready to swing down, yet he can't help but feel drawn to you anyway.
another branch of possibility would be him putting you into some kind of machine or whateverthing that would last forever (perhaps portable too so he can bring you everywhere á°á©). but then again, i think he would only go down this path when he's absolutely cornered, like if he realizes he was about to lose you (e.g. you're dying right before his eyes and there's no saving you).
tldr, i think he would be a nice yandere to be stuck with, overall! just be aware that he's a wanted man, and you might end up being crammed into a supercomputer or some sort when you die, but hey, doesn't sound that bad, right? :3
#yandere#hsr x reader#honkai star rail x reader#boothill x reader#boothill#rin answers#rin is having tea with: crys đ§Ą#hehehehe this was fun to think about thank you crys
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Daryl Dixon Kissing Daydreamsâ A little look inside Darylâs memories of kissing his favorite person in the world.
Details: Daryl Dixon x reader (no pronouns are used but there is one instance that I use the word princess), suggestive but overall, just some lovely sweetness! wc: 2k, slightly proofreadâ my apologies about any misspells, I just really want to get this out and get back to writing!!!
A/N: Letâs get back into things. ⥠I hope youâre all doing well. With love from writella. âĄ
Daryl Dixon loves kissing.
Heâd never admit it thoughâ albeit that is a weird thing to admit out of nowhereâ and heâs never said it out loudâ albeit that is a weird thing to say out loud in most normal instances as wellâ but either way, he does. He really, really does.
Ironically, itâs his fifth favorite form of affection.
The first is acts of service. He doesnât call it that though. He probably doesnât even know the phrase. To him, itâs just being useful. Helping, or as heâd pronounce it, helpinâ, or jus helpinâ awut.
This includes hunting to feed others, preparing food (even though heâs awful at it other than roasting things on a fire, so everyone agrees, just hunting), remembering things you like and getting them when and if he can find them, thoughtful gifts that remind him of youâ basically any stones or trinkets he finds on his journeys, finding shelter if need be, keeping you safe and warmâ even at the expense of himself, fixing things, taking the time to teaching you survival skills you want to learn, the sort.
The second is beating the shit out of people in his loved ones honor. Walkers, âSaviors,â men named Negan, basically, anyone out to kill you. He didnât like seeing people hurt his friends, but he does enjoy when he gets to fuck people up in case it happens. To that, a subconscious part of Darylâs brain says thank god there are no therapists in town; or, that they are either too scared to speak to him or have not gotten the chance to speak to him so he doesnât have to reckon with the fact that his not-so-secret thirst for punching and shooting arrows at people might be just a little too high.
The third is listening. He didnât know he was good at this until you told him. He doesnât interrupt and he is not quick to judge, you had said, âor really you just know how to keep the mean things to yourself.â He smiled at that. He realized that yes, he is a silent judger, but heâs also pretty open-minded. He liked that about himself, and he found out because of you. It made him feel nice.
Also, if you were wondering, yes, you may have noticed that these three forms of affection can all be argued as kinds of acts of service, but again, Daryl doesnât know phrases like that, and even if he did or if he was classifying any of his interests or skills, beating people up and shooting things with arrows would always be in its category.
The fourth is huggingâ another one he wouldnât admit out loud. Heâd never say he needed a hug, but wouldnât deny a friend one, and they became more meaningful to him after moments heâd thought heâd never see them again, or see you again. Hugs became incredibly important then. It made him realize that hugging was also the first form of intimate, physical touch that he ever felt comfortable with. He obviously didnât grow up in an affectionate home, but he was at least used to getting a pat on the back from Meryl when he caught something good to eat, said something Meryl thought was funny, or did whatever Meryl told him to do âright the first time.â Seldomly though, if Meryl was in one of his good moods, heâd give Daryl an actual hug, one of those nice, brotherly ones. Maybe Meryl was laughing with his friends when saw Daryl, beckoning him over, hugging him by the side saying, âHey little brother,â as he tussles Darylâs hair; or at night, when Meryl stumbles in as a sleepy-go-lucky-drunk, lazily throwing his chest and arms around Daryl, telling him, âI love you.â He knew never to take it that seriously in those moments, but he did, he couldnât help it even if he was good at making it look like he didnât from the outside. The only other time Meryl would do or say that is when one or both of them got it from their dad. Nevermore did they feel closer, as if they were one half of the other, than in moments like those. Daryl felt almost bad for liking it. He used to have to earn affection, he realized. Heâs almost ready to talk about it. With you. You give him so much so freely. Heâs shocked and sometimes terrified by it. But your helping, your saving, your listening, your huggingâ it made him feel ready to speak. It is what also helped him learn his last favorite form of affection, the one mentioned above and only saved for you, the fifthâ
âkissing.
One of his favorite places to kiss you is by your fireplace. You two would sit on the rug and youâd ask him to drag the coffee table to where you sat. The two of you ate dinner there sometimes, near the fire on a cold winter evening, or you used it as a place to set down your drinks and whatever game you two were playing, or to use as a resting spot for your elbows as he listened to you talk for what felt like an enchanting forever.
He never tired of your voice as you spoke about your old favorite tv shows and movies and books that he had never watched or read, listening with no interruptionâ as he always doesâ or waiting for moments to ask you questions or follow-up questions about this character or that and youâd answer with as much as your memory recalled. Youâd make yourself laugh with how silly and passionate you got over these things and he would smile softly, blue eyes glowing in the firelight because he liked hearing you speak, he liked everything you had to say.
Itâs moments like this when your smiles catch one anotherâs and your eyes lock a few seconds longer than before because there is nothing else left to place your gaze on that Daryl places his hand on yours or on your leg and you know that means he wants you closer. His hand moves to your face and his thumb gently swipes and caresses your jaw and you both stay there for a moment, looking at each other. You move in slowly and you kiss him so soft and and tender and tentatively like a princess. His princess. The one who made everything so lovely and magical to what he thought of as his weird and jagged gremlin self.
Daryl gets excited during the times you decide to initiate. It makes him feel courageous when youâre courageous. He grabs you by the waist, pulling you closer, taking control as he slips his tongue in your mouth.
You sigh, warmth and happiness surrounding you as you allow him to take control. Grabbing your head as gently as his rough hands would allow, he sets you on the rug, giving you pecks before looking down at you one last time, seeing the fire illuminate your face with red and orangeâ the colors of his heart and mind when heâs around youâ and then, finally, places himself atop of you and goes back to kissing you. Once again, he slides his tongue in your mouth, wordlessly telling you how much he loves you and how much he loves this. His hands trail down from your waist to your neck as you grab his and play with his hair as you kiss into the night until your mouths are sore.
Daryl also remembers your first kiss. You were angry with him, or at least thatâs what he thought. But it was more so frustration, a tinge of disappointment. You were falling for him, desperately so whether you wanted to admit it or not, but itâs so hard to fall for someone not willing to open their heartâ you can only be so patient. So, uncharacteristically, at least when it came to him, you got in his face, you got loud, you told him how you felt. Not that you loved him, no, not yet. You told him heâs closed off, that you couldnât take it anymore, that you wanted him to be honest, to be real, to just say how he felt anytime, all the time, whenever he wanted. You never took him as fearful, but still, thoughtlessly, as your faces almost touched, you asked, âWhat are you so afraid of, Daryl? Itâs only me.â
And then, he kissed you. Because itâs not âonlyâ you, itâs because of you. You were everything. So despite bubbling anxiety that rises in his throat, he did it, he put his lips to yours and did it accidently so much more harshly than he should have, but he did it. He was honest. He was real. Because even if he didnât say it yet, he loved you too. You almost cried when it happened. Nothing ever felt that right. As he lets go, you have so much to say but youâre speechless. All you could do is take the chance he gave youâ you kissed him back, again and again.
Another one of his favorite places to kiss is behind houses Kisses behind houses were for a quick session or during the moments heâd be leaving for a trip. Sometimes the things he had to do meant there was a possibility of him dying, and while there were times that youâd journey with him, there were other times when you were needed elsewhere whether at home or on a journey of your own. This meant goodbye kisses. Passionate but bittersweet.
These are the moments he wishes more than ever that fucked youâ he means had sex with youâ heâs a gentlemanâ the night before, just in case he didnât come back. Most of the time he cannot even think about kids. This world is crazy, and he enjoyed his freedom far too much, but there were moments, like when he thought about how he couldnât see life without you that he did wonder about legacy, about a domestic life with you, or, if he did die, to at least leave you with a piece of him and the love you build together. But then other times he thinks, fuck, no; he always comes back and heâd never want to leave you to do something as big as raise a child on your ownâ you liked your freedom too, and he liked being an uncle. Either way, it was a fleeting feeling anyhow, but it did make him feel like a gross guy sometimes. Not only because he had never spoken to you about the future yet and didnât know what you want, but especially during the times where he thinks, damn, he should have turned you over onto your stomach last night, give you something youâd really remember him by, but truly, if one likes sex, these thoughts are that one has sometimes⊠no one can blame him, heâs just a 40-something-year old girl, after all.
Daryl also likes taking you into the woods for a hunt or taking you on his motorcycle to find a good place to kiss. He is obsessed with privacy. He wants to feel free to be himself. And even though he does feel like he can with the core group, the real him around them is not the same as when he is the real him around youâ the one who is your boyfriend and partner, the him who can also be a romantic and sexual being when you two are alone. Almost no one knows him like that and heâs never been in a rush to share or talk about his experiences. Heâs not like Rick, he feels, that kind of effortless shifting between roles Rick has about him, not afraid to be open, communicative, affectionate about different areas of his life with friends. In some ways he will always still feel new to all this romance stuff, therefore, he likes to keep it to himself. So yes, sometimes since the group thinks they all have the right to walk into each otherâs houses whenever they feel like itâ (Daryl is actually the main culprit of this since he has had free dinners and slept in most of their couches and basements than anyone else, but we wont talk about that now)âyou have made out or had sex in quite a few different places.
Moving back to the sweeter stuff, Daryl also loves forehead kisses. Giving them and reviving them. But if he was receiving he only liked it when you two were alone. In fact, he likes any kissing only when youâre alone anyway, but especially so to any kissing or affection that look super domestic. Daryl doesnât try to look cool, but he also doesnât need the public to know he has more emotions and ways of nurturing that people in town donât need to know of. He doesnât consciously consider himself a mysterious person but, ever since most people started generally liking him and talking to himâ which he equally found as both pretty nice and weirdâ he realized he covets the fact that there are still some people who were shy, confused, or on edge by his presence. He doesnât totally get it and sometimes heâs confused by other peopleâs confusion but he likes that it means he has some sort of control. You think about how people treat him versus how he is with Rick or the kids in town, or you are hilarious. People think heâs the guy who gets it done or that heâs domineering or both, and he is those things, but heâs also just a massive teddy bear that likes caring for people while also not liking people. It's the most interesting paradox.
Lastly, here is Darylâs favorite kiss. It was one you had given him. He said it. He finally told you. You had told him a story of how someone left you, how much it hurt, how hard it is to know youâll never get to talk to them again, to settle things, to let go the proper way now that youâre in this new world. So, in return, to make you feel less alone and to finally get it out, he told you that sometimes Meryl only ever told him he loved him when he got hurt. He told you that it felt like Meryl picked the times that cared for him, cared for him like brother should and not just sidekick or accomplice, that it was those instances and others things that had happened to him in his past with his dad or with the group in the beginning of all of this, is what made him feel he was unlovable. So many other things came out after that and even through the shock, you could see everything he said happening to him, it made sense, and your heart broke for him.
This time, you move your hand to his, you beckon him closer. Your fingers trail down his face after placing a piece of his hair to the side, caressing his. You tell him, âIâve never had a friend like you. Iâve never had a love like you. I love you all the time. Youâre always worthy.â And with that, you seal your words with a kiss.
That was when he truly knew he liked kissing. He learned what it could actually mean and feel like when it happens with someone so perfect for youâ the true peace and romance of it all. He had never experienced something more beautiful.
#daryl dixon x reader#daryl dixon x fem!reader#daryl dixon x afab!reader#daryl dixon x y/n#daryl dixon x female reader#daryl dixon x you#daryl dixon fluff#daryl dixon fic#daryl dixon fanfic#daryl dixon fanfiction#daryl dixon imagine#the walking dead fluff#the walking dead fanfic#the walking dead fanfiction#twd fluff#twd fanfic#twd fanfiction#daryl x reader#daryl x female reader#daryl x y/n#daryl x you
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18+ Your Next Sexual Encounter (PAC) *follower request
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The vibes- âđŸđ»đ€”đ
So for some of you I see that your next sexual encounter may be outside, it may be on a date or after a date with someone you donât see often or itâll be like a one night stand situation. I see that for some of you they may be heavier or taller than you/size difference between you guys, I see you guys dressing up nice for this date like wearing your best outfit/wearing new clothes and styling your hair nice. I see there being a lot of sexual chemistry and feeling butterflies or nervousness, I see that your sexual encounter may happen unexpectedly or you may be surprised by how much chemistry there is between you guys, they may be brownskin/darker or just darker than you in general. I see the you kissing this person with tongue and groping each other/feeling each other up, I see you holding yourself back because things may feel like itâs happening too quick. You may realize that this person has hidden intentions like theyâll say that they want to go out with you as a friend or just to get to know you, I see you keeping your guard up with them and not doing anything too wild. I see that theyâll very hard/wet for you and theyâll try to convince you to sleep with them, for some of you I see that theyâll ask for oral or to do oral with you. Theyâll really like your butt/lower back and theyâll want to touch it often, theyâll want to do anal or do backshots with you. Signs- libra/aries. Libra in the 3rd house, Aries in the 11th house Initials- D, S, Q, N
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The vibes- đșđžđšđŽđłđ
I see that your next sexual encounter may be with someone whoâs visiting your country or youâre while on vacation, I see that the person will be a different race from you. You or this person may be Colombian or has a Hispanic background, I see you guys going bowling or going to an arcade. You guys will be laughing a lot and enjoying your time together, I see that you or this person will be nervous on the date. This person may be scared to make the first move, there will be a lot of chemistry and youâll feel like you guys want the same things in life or in love. Theyâll do their best to entertain you and make sure you have fun, they may be kind of silly or they like to laugh/smile a lot. Whoever is the feminine I see you being shy while the masculine is more talkative, the masculine energy will try to come across as confident and reassuring. Theyâll really find you physically attractive and you might see them staring at you a lot, they really like your face/facial features. I see that the masculine has a big penis like length wise, I see the feminine has a small/tight vagina. During foreplay theyâre going to want to kiss you a lot and finger you at the same time, theyâll want to hear your moans and make you feel good. I see that theyâll want to a lot of sex positions where they can see your face, in backshots theyâll still try to see your face or kiss you. This person is an affectionate lover and youâre going to turn them on a lot, theyâll really like your thighs and legs. I see you feeling happy after your next sexual encounter, for some of you I see that this next sexual encounter is something you manifested. I see that this person is someone youâll see again or youâll have multiple sexual encounters with this person. Signs- Gemini/leo. Leo in the 4th house or 1st house. Initials- C, E, G, Q
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The vibes-đȘđŸđ©âđ§đ©âđŸđ«đ«
I see that this person may have a lot of feminine energy, they may be physically in shape or have a lot of muscles especially their arms. I see that they may be a mechanic/handyman/just someone who works with tools, I see that they may like to cook or theyâre a good cook and they like to eat healthy/balanced meals. I see you may meet this person at the car shop or you meet them while trying to get something fixed or while youâre trying to get food, I see you guys being very physically/sexually attracted right off the bat. I see that youâll try to be responsible and not rush things, I see you may question if this person would be good for you long term. I see you focusing more on yourself and not trying to get too emotionally involved with them, I see them inviting you to their house or inviting you to come over and try their cooking/they may want you to cook for them. I see you guys hanging out at a house, you may smoke or drink with them. Some of you might have unprotected sex with them and you may feel regretful or scared afterwards, I see you feeling like the sex wasnât too good or it wasnât worth it. They will try to do anal with you and theyâll want you to jerk then off or touch them while they touch you, this most likely will be a one night stand. If they have a penis I see that it will be an average size but they might have big balls or cum a lot. Signs- Aquarius/cancer, Sagittarius 5th house/pisces 7th house. Initial L, F, N, S
Personal readings always available
Divider by @bernardsbendystraws
#libra#aries#sagittarius#pisces#fire signs#18+ pac#18+ tarot#18+ readings#18+pac#18+tarot#18+ pick a card#18+ mdni#tarot pick a pile#love pick a card#pick a pile#pickacard#tarot pac#pac reading#pac#tarotcommunity#intuitive#tarot#spirituality#oracle#intuitive readings#cartomancy#oracle reading#tarot reading#card divination#divination
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Party Banter with Rook!Blackwall
Harding: You know, for a moment back there, I thought you might actually get through to Solas.
Thom: Regretâs something we have in common. I thought⊠if I reached out to him, told him I understood what guilt drives you to doâŠ
Harding: But no. âDo not compare your regrets with mine, Thom Rainier!â
Thom: Heâs right, though. He can at least say he did his crimes trying to stop tyrants. I did mine for coin.
Harding: Uh, yeah, and then you faced up to it and decided no one else was going to get hurt for it except you. Solas is right. Heâs nothing like you.
â
Lucanis: Do we have a problem, Warden Rainier?
Thom: You kill people. For gold.
Lucanis: I do. Venatori. Blood mages. The political rivals of those who hired me.
Thom: And thatâs enough for you? Someone flashes a purse, and youâre ready to murder over some noblesâ spat over which of them gets the bigger fancy house?
Lucanis: Depends on the size of the purse.
â
Bellara: Um, so, about the mayor of D'Meta's Crossing? I just⊠do you really want someone like that? In the Wardens, I mean.
Thom: I wonât defend him. But he wouldnât be the first Warden who let innocent people die for gold, and got another chance from the Order.
Bellara: He doesnât deserve it. Like, really, really doesnât deserve it.
Thom: No. Neither did I.
â
Thom: Do you ever get people trying to bribe you? To look the other way, or drop a case, or...
Neve: It's Minrathous. If I took even half the bribes I've been offered, I could buy an estate in Hightown.
Thom: It takes a special kind of strength to resist that.
â
Thom: I got a letter from Sera the other day. Donât ask me how she got it to the Lighthouse.
Harding: âFriendsâ, I bet. And hey - she dealt with the Fade for you! So what'd she say?
Thom: Well, there was a lot of calling Solas a shite-faced arseknuckle. And then she told me not to get killed, or sheâd yank my beard âtil my head came off.
Harding: Aw.
â
Lucanis: Rainier, I do not knife civilians. Everyone I have killed has been embedded in politics. Their hands are never clean.
Thom: And you're sure youâve never made a mistake? Never got a passer-by or a child caught in all the blades and arrows? Never gone in without knowing everything, and got someone hurt?
Lucanis: Of course not. Iâm a professional.
Thom: Youâre a mercenary with a cape.
â
Thom: You couldâve left Dock Town. A mage. Talented. You couldâve gone anywhere, chased a better life.
Neve: If I left, Iâd be abandoning people who never got that choice. Iâm good where Iâm at.
Thom: I hope you know how admirable that makes you.
Neve: Not that admirable. If I got that estate in Hightown? Too far to walk to Halâs fish stand.
Thom: (laughs) Good priorities.
â
Davrin: So, Rainier. Heard a lot of rumours about how you joined the Wardens.
Thom: (uneasy noise) You know, Warden Blackwall told me your past gets forgotten after the Joining.
Davrin: A nice ideal, but it never stands up to the gossip. But youâve shown your worth.
Thom: Enough for me to have one of those griffons when we rescue them, dâyou reckon?
Davrin: (laughs) Weâll see.
â
Thom: I knew someone like Manfred once. He was a spirit, but he sort of⊠grew his own body.
Emmrich: Oh! A spontaneous incarnation! Do you happen to know what kind of spirit he was?
Thom: Uh⊠the kind that looks like a young man, but reads minds and flits about trying to make everyone feel better about themselves?
Emmrich: Ah, Compassion! A rather more advanced emotion than Curiosity, and therefore capable of manifesting a physical body, rather than needing to adopt a vacant one.
Thom: More advanced? Right. That explains why Cole used to talk to me about living with the weight of regret, and Manfred spent ten minutes yesterday poking my face to see if my beard came off.
â
Neve: So, you know Dorian?
Thom: Does anyone whoâs been in the same room as him for thirty seconds get a choice about knowing Dorian?
Neve: And didnât always get along, I take it.
Thom: Heâs⊠heâs not so bad. We mightâve judged each other by first impressions back when we met.
Neve: And whatâs your impression now?
Blackwall: Still too fancy for his own good. But it says exactly who he is that heâs fighting against slavers and blood mages. I think I got the better deal with the darkspawn.
â
Taash: I heard the Inquisitor turned into a dragon.
Thom: No, she⊠didnât. But she did get one to fight with us once.
Taash: She did? What kind? Howâd she do it?
Thom: Sort of⊠gold? And she drank from this pool of elven magic, and⊠that somehow let her ask it to help us. I think.
Taash: Did she ride it into battle?
Thom: Uh⊠No.
Taash: Oh. I wouldâve ridden it into battle.
â
Thom: Emmrich, do you know what those demons were the other day? The ones that wouldnât leave me alone?
Emmrich: Ah. Those were manifestations of Shame. A variant of the Despair spirit.
Thom: Right. Donât know what I expected.
Emmrich: If itâs any consolation, I find that one can tell much more about a person from the more benign spirits that gather around them. I catch glimpses of them about you often. Valour. Fortitude. Honour.
Thom: I hope to be worthy of them.
â
Thom: Lucanis, have you ever regretted any of your kills?
Lucanis: Not so far.
Thom: So this is what youâre fine with being? A man who takes noblesâ money and lives in luxury with your bloodied hands? That's the life you chose?
Lucanis: Not âchoseâ, exactly. It is what I was trained to be since my childhood.
Thom: Wait. You were â who trains a child to be an assassin?
Lucanis: You met my grandmother.
â
Davrin: You held up pretty well in the last fight, Rainier. For an old man.
Thom: Whelp like youâd better watch what he says around a senior Warden.
Davrin: Why? Youâll tell me to do the fifty press-ups that your creaky bones canât handle?
Thom (laughs) Iâll stop letting you borrow my best chisel.
â
Bellara: Hey, um, Thom? You know that little rocking griffon you made? Could you make, I donât know, a bigger one? Like⊠adult⊠person-sized?
Thom: (chuckles) You never have a rocking griffon growing up?
Bellara: No! Theyâre not a Dalish thing! Because you canât really rock. When the aravelâs moving, I mean. So⊠no, itâs a dumb idea. Forget I said anything.
Thom: You want me to make it a rocking halla?
Bellara: Yes please thank you.
â
Emmrich: How far you must have travelled, with both the Inquisition and the Wardens!
Thom: I like being on the road. Keeps a man honest.
Emmrich: I rather envy your fearlessness of the wider world. Itâs so recent that the end of the Circles allowed me to travel freely outside the Necropolis.
Thom: Must have been freeing. Having the whole world suddenly open to you.
Emmrich: And rather overwhelming, I must admit. When I compare myself to you â a brave Warden, combatting the Blight across all of ThedasâŠ
Thom: Trust me: compare the two of us, and thatâs the only way Iâll come out better from it.
â
Thom: We fought quite a few dragons in the Inquisition. Almost got eaten once by some pissed-off beast in the Hinterlands. Kept throwing its dragonlings at us.
Taash: Fereldan Frostbacks are crappy mothers. First sign of trouble, and itâs âhere! Take my children!â
Thom: (laughs) The worst was the lightning-spitter off the Storm Coast. Spent twenty minutes hacking away at its scales, rest of my team unconscious on the ground.
Taash: Wait - you what? That's not how you fight dragons. You can't just stand there and hit them. That's stupid. And boring.
â
Lucanis: Itâs how the Crow Houses work. Children of the House lineage are trained from our infancy.
Thom: Andrasteâs fucking tits.
Lucanis: Itâs necessary. If Illario and I had been coddled⊠Caterina pushed us hard and young, because she wanted us to survive.
Thom: I donât⊠(sighs) The things people do to children.
â
Harding: I never thought to ask - how come Varric changed your nickname?
Thom: I asked him to go with something else. 'Hero'... that was a name he gave to Blackwall.
Harding: Well, he chose the right name. You know, 'cause Rooks move in straight lines. And you charge right in there, don't mess around with fancy words, just hit things til they drop. You could say you're -
Thom: Don't do it, Lace.
Harding: Straightforward.
Thom: (chuckles) You're as bad as Sera.
â
Emmrich: Master Rainier, I wanted to say â I hope you know that youâre the only person here who looks at you with any harshness.
Thom: I â (sighs) You donât know everything about me.
Emmrich: I would never claim to. But I know that you place yourself before your allies and the defenceless without hesitation and with utter selflessness. I know you understand your Warden oath better than many of your superiors. I know that you are a good man.
Thom: ⊠I wish I knew what it was like to be you. Seeing the good in everyone, living or dead.
Emmrich: Then I hope youâll permit me continue to see the good in you â until you can see yourself as I do.
#in which blackwall starts to have a very belated bisexual awakening#datv#da:tv#rookwall au#blackwall#i promise he and lucanis will get a better relationship :'D#but we know from his and dorian's bickering that he can be very judgmental on first impressions#and lucanis is reminding him too much of his younger self. they even look kind of alike!#will probably write more!#sky's writing#veilguard spoilers#datv spoilers
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the great british fake-off | xmh
you thought the guy in the hawaiian-print shirt who seems physically incapable of being quiet would be the most annoying person here, so imagine your shock when it's xu minghao, who has seemingly decided you're the enemy and keeps sabotaging you. a baking competition for charity might have others on their best behavior, but what's a little sugar without some spice?
â pairing: minghao x reader â genre: great british bake-off, holiday au; crack, fluff â wordcount: 5.5k â rating: e for everyone â warnings: some swearing, minghao is a saboteur, idiots abound. â credits: this netflix psd template for the banner. this recipe for the yule log; this recipe for the gingerbread house; and this recipe for the entremet. divider from here. this post for the divider. this was roughly edited by me, so any and all mistakes are my own. â written for: the winter with you collab hosted by @camandemstudios. thank you for letting me participate! please make sure to check out the rest of the stories as they're posted. ⥠â author's note: i had this rotting away in my wips since literally 2021, so even though it started as a completely different story, i'm so glad it's finally seeing the light of day even if it's not what i originally intended. (also, i know the banner says 12 contestants but the holiday specials only had a couple, okay. i forgot when i made it and i wasn't going back to fix it.)
The obnoxious one is wearing an aloha-print shirt.
Heâs also extremely loud, his raucous, fake laughter filling every corner of the large warehouse youâve been assigned to for filming. Makes a show of batting his eyelashes, throwing his head back every time someone cracks a joke thatâs not even funny, comes up with nonsensical nicknames for the entire crew just to suck up to them.
âJohn Davies? Mind if I call you Joe?â
Joe doesnât even make sense as a nickname for John, but John fucking loves it, apparently. Looks at the annoying guy like he just watched him string the stars in the sky.
But itâs the shirtâgod, the shirt drives you absolutely crazy. Heâs about to go on national television, be a household name, and some ill-fitting, charity shop Hawaiian print shirt is what he woke up and chose to wear. Whatâs his angle here? Appeal to the public with some sob story about only being able to afford second-hand clothes so thatâs why heâs competing? Needs the money to care for a sick relative?
(The expensive watch on his wrist and his limited-drop sneakers tell an entirely different story, but youâre keeping that to yourself for now. No reason to play your hand so early.)
As much as you hate the shirt, you have to admit it suits him. The colors are garish and unsightly, just as obnoxious as he is, and you canât stare at it too long because you start going cross-eyed. Looking at him feels about the same as stuffing your mouth with a bunch of sour candies: you get that same burn in the back of your jaw, same scrunched-up, grossed-out look on your face; have to squeeze your eyes shut to blink back tears.
You donât even know his name, but you hate him immediately.
Your eyes scan the other contestants. None of them inspire the same level of animosity within you as the annoying one does; all of them nearly unremarkable. A variety of ages, appearances, backgrounds. You hear one say theyâre a retired investment banker. Thereâs an accountant, a teacher, a fucking aerospace engineer.
And then itâs his turn to introduce himself. He clears his throat, speaks with an easy, practiced confidence. Completely void of nerves. Makes eye contact with everyone in your conversation circle. Gesticulates wildly as he speaks, immediately endears everyone to him.
âIâm Tim,â he says, and you nearly recoil at how honeyed his voice is. âBut you can call me Tim. Iâm thirty-eight, originally from a small town. Work as aâŠâ
You can barely stand to listen to it anymore, each âNice to meet you, Tim!â like another punch to the gut. How canât these people see right through him? How are they falling for his bullshit? You shouldâve known. Producers always throw in at least one bomb to up the ratingsâa secret millionaire, someone rude and confrontational, a flat-earther. Even if youâre competing in a charity baking competition, of all things, itâs still reality television at the end of the day.
Just because the bunch of you are going to spend the next few days creating confections out of sugar, spice, and everything nice, doesnât mean you have to be part of that âeverything.â
Tim thinks heâs got this in the bag. Thinks heâs going to show up and win easily, the rest of you be damned, and even if you are typically a very nice person, youâre also highly competitive. Thereâll be no rolling over done by you, and if Tim wants to play dirtyâ
Game on.
As you introduce yourself, you feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of your head. Probably because you donât bother with the faux-humility the rest of the contestants have. Polite and charming but firm, just the way your mother had taught you. Youâre not boisterous, donât crack silly jokes to play up to the cameras the way Tim loves to do, and you know heâs scrutinizing you the way youâd done to him, trying to figure out your angle.
Well, jokeâs on himâyou donât need one.
And you really, really hope it drives him crazy.
Except maybe the joke is on you, too, because you donât account for Xu Minghao.
In true reality television fashion, the tent is boiling hot.
As if the universe itself had looked down on all of you and decided what you all needed was a heatwave uncharacteristic of this time of year, just to up the ante. Not even ten minutes in the tent and youâre all fanning yourselves and wafting air up your shirts. Which is great, really, because it isnât like you need to use ovens or stand over hot burners. Itâs not like you arenât going to be soaking through your clothes with anxiety sweats, either! Sweat dripping off your brow into your eyes wonât matter because you donât need to use them.
Everythingâs going to be fine!
But everything is not fine. Not only has the universe gifted you with sweltering heat, itâs given you the work station directly next to Timâs. Youâll have to feel his annoying, off-putting aura near you for the entire competition. Thereâs always the possibility of him bungling it and making an early exit, but you know thatâs unlikely. Obnoxious he may be, you also know a strong opponent when you see one, and something tells you youâre going to be stuck with him for the long haul.
Think of the cats, you tell yourself. All of this is for the cats.
Itâs not like you never wouldâve returned here of your own volition. No, your first go-round with feel-good, competition-based reality television had gone fine. You hadnât won, of course, because you wouldnât be here again if you had, but you placed respectably in the top three. Became a fan favorite, too, which was arguably more lucrative than winning. People make a living on social media these days.
So, itâs not the competition itself that has you white-knuckled gripping onto the edge of your station. Itâs the man at the one beside you, cracking all these stupid jokes about the weather and how itâs a horrible day for tempering chocolate, so he bets thatâs going to be the first challenge!
You suck in a deep breath. Try to remember the breathing exercises from that one yoga class your sister had dragged you to. It had been about the same temperature then, tooâwell duh, itâs hot yoga, your sister had said, which was news to you, because you never wouldâve signed up for something called hot yoga willingly. Still, you endured it, just like youâll endure this, and a little sweat is not going to get in the way of you delivering a check to all those poor, sad cats without families.
âPsst, hey,â you hear from behind you. When you turn, a man is smirking at you as he finishes tying his apron around his waistâhas to wrap the strings around twice, you notice, because only someone hand-picked by the gods themselves would have that shoulder-to-waist ratio.
You donât really recognize him. Canât recall his name or where heâs from; canât remember what he mentioned doing for a living. Probably something artsy, if you had to guessâhe definitely has the style and demeanor of a creative, with his trendy shag-mullet and the multicolored, glitter-y snowflakes decorating his nails.
You arenât sure he introduced himself at all, but the confidence with which he holds himselfâeasy, like itâd take a national emergency to rattle him even a littleâimplies he doesnât really have to. Most of the people here already know him, if you had to guess, and he gives the impression that heâs not fussed with impressing any of them.
If only Tim was so inclined.
You clear your throat, vaguely aware you need to respond. âYeah?â
âAre you nervous?â
âAh, I donât think so? Weâve done this before, after all. We should be seasoned veterans by now.â
He smirks. âShould be,â he emphasizes. âFeels different when itâs for charity. Extra serious, you know?â
âRight,â you agree, taking a look around the tent. âAnything for the cats.â
Thereâs an immediate shift in the atmosphere. What was friendly and carefree is now tense; where a smile and a floral giggle sat on the manâs lips has been replaced with a crooked scowl. And it doesnât make sense, all youâd done was agree with what he said, but then the producers are yelling something at the front of the tent, cameramen are rushing to their equipment, and a woman appears at your side and starts clipping equipment to your clothes, and thereâs no time to question it. On your right, Timâs laughing and joking around with some crew members like theyâre old drinking buddies. It drives you nuts, has annoyance pricking at your skin, flushing your cheeksâ
So much so that the woman at your side leans in and asks, âShould I get hair and makeup over here?â
âIâno, itâs fine.â
The unnecessary members of the production team scatter away after a loud countdown. Hair and makeup donât come to wipe the sweat tracks from your skin. You already know Man Behind You is standing there looking perfect because heâs equally as attractive as he is mysterious. God truly has favorites, and this guy somehow made the top five.
You stare down at the instructions in front of you, confident in your ability to read but not so confident in your ability to make sense of any of it. And itâs your own recipe, which is the worst part. Youâd typed this recipe yourself. These are your hand-written notes in the margins. Youâve conceptualized, tweaked, baked, and eaten this recipe more times than you can count, and now all you can do is thousand-yard-stare into the ether.
In the time since you were on the show, youâd somehow forgotten about the chaos. Not unlike that hormone women have that makes them forget about the pain and agony of childbirth, you reckon.
In addition to being one of the most bothersome people in history, Tim apparently doubles as a prophet.
Because it is a terrible day to temper chocolate, and youâve got a bĂ»che de NoĂ«l on the horizon that requires you to do so. You can pivot, maybe make some kind of buttercream, but a basic chocolate buttercream is not going to win you a world-renowned baking competition even if it is Swiss meringue. A child could make that.
You sigh. Push that wave of panic to the back of your mind. In a setting like this, you have approximately ten seconds to come up with a back-up plan and execute it and you wasted your time thinking, so youâre just going to have to temper the stupid chocolate and stick to your original plan. God, you have a headache.
But the show must go on, so you do too.
Step 1: Preheat the oven.
Easy enough. If nothing else, you can preheat an oven.
Step 2: Make the sponge.
Not as easy, but youâve made so many sponge cakes throughout your life you could probably do it in your sleep. Whisk attachment on the stand mixer. Four eggs. Sugar meticulously weighed and added to the bowl. Sugar and eggs whisked together until the mixture is the color and consistency youâre looking for. Flour, cocoa powder, and salt sifted in. Metal spoon to fold it all together as delicately as possible. You wonât have a sponge cake if you beat all the air out of it, now will you?
âGood enough,â you mutter to yourself, staring down at the bowl.
At least youâd had the foresight to grease and line your baking tray, because the entire entourage arrives at your station just as youâre meant to be pouring the batter into it and sticking it in the oven.
âAh, we meet again,â the group choruses, genuine smiles peeking through as if youâre old friends separated only by time and distance.
Thatâs the weird thing about being on television. For as long as youâre able, you exist within a microcosm of daily life. A world exists outside of your bubble, you know, but you donât see much proof of it. All of your meals are eaten together; all of your conversations are had with one another. You share temporary living quarters and oftentimes too much of yourselves, and youâre thankful the show encourages teamwork and kindness because thatâs the kind of thing that can grow sour if you leave it unchecked too long.
And then it justâends.
Bubble burst, you all go back to your regular lives. You look back on that time fondly, but the friendships are thinned out by time and distance. Eventually it all starts to feel like a dream, except every now and then something breaks through the haze to remind you it actually happened: a stranger recognizing you at the store, a message on social media, the casting team contacting you to ask if youâd be interested in competing in a holiday special for charity.
âWe certainly do,â you retort, smile matching everyone elseâs.
All things considered, you are happy to be back. Even if the tent is crowded and far too warm, the atmosphere is unmatched, especially when itâs decorated for the holidays.
âWhat are you working on?â
You explain the general workings of your yule log: chocolate sponge, hazelnut liqueur cream filling, and chocolate icing to top it off. You arenât sure how youâre going to decorate it yetâyouâll figure it out once you get there, depending on how much time you haveâbut you guarantee them itâll look festive and professional.
Satisfied with your plan, they wish you luck and move on to the man behind you. Itâs so great to see you again, Minghao, someone says, and youâre grateful theyâve spared you the embarrassment of having to ask for his name. It still doesnât ring a bell, and you canât recall what season heâd been on for the life of you, but he speaks with a patience and a gentleness that is so unlike Tim that you nearly drop to the floor in thanks.
But as the commotion of the tent reminds you, you donât have time to waste thinking about Minghao. Youâve only been given an hour for your signature, and youâre going to need all sixty of those minutes if you have any hopes of presenting a finished product.
It doesnât register at first.
It doesnât register at second or third, either.
In fact, youâre sure youâre hallucinating when you open the oven door to pop the sponge inside and you arenât hit with a blast of hot air. Room temperature. Perhaps a bit on the cooler side, if youâre being honest.
And that canât be, because you know you preheat your oven. It was the first thing you did, because itâs always the first thing you do. Itâs just⊠automatic, like opening your mouth to eat or washing between your toes in the shower. Instinctual. Not something that needs to even be considered, because itâs always the first thing you do.
No, this cannot be. Forgetting to preheat the oven is a rookie mistake and youâre not a rookie.
âŠCould it be?
Perhaps you were so caught up in the lights and buzz, the thrill of returning to the tent, that it had slipped your mind? Perhaps youâd pressed the wrong buttons and turned the wrong dials? While itâs not likely youâd somehow bumped into the oven and turned it off, nothing is impossible, so⊠maybe?
âShit,â you hiss through your teeth. The producers are not going to be happy about your swearing. âShit, shit, shit.â
âEverything okay up there?â Minghao asks from behind you. When you turn, heâs got a flour-dusted towel thrown over his shoulder as he nurses a cup of tea, and his composure in the face of your hysteria has your head spinning.
Your mouth opens and closes like a goldfish. Minghao is drinking tea without a care in the world and your oven isnât even halfway to the temperature you need. âIâyes? No? I donât know. I couldâve sworn I preheated the oven, butââ
âDonât panic,â he offers, his top lip catching on the rim of his mug. âYou got this. Work on something else while you wait.â
Something else. Right, you can work on something else. Both the filling and the frosting still have to be made, and quick mental math tells you there should just be enough time to get everything done if youâre efficient. Of course, thatâs a big if, but thatâs why youâd chosen a yule log, after all: sponge cake doesnât need that long to bake, and anything can happen (and go wrong) in this tent.
So, you get to work on something else. Measure out a sheet of parchment paper, dust it with cocoa powder, and set it to the side. Decide to get to work on the frosting, because if one thing has already gone wrong, you donât trust the universe to let you temper chocolate correctly.
The chocolate is halfway melted when the oven dings. A small harrumph of victory and youâre finally good to go, setting a timer for twelve minutes. Minghao offers you a discreet thumbs-up, fingers covered in something sticky you assume is marzipan.
Time flies after that. You get both the frosting and your filling made, and itâs only through divine intervention that your sponge cake comes out perfectly and with enough time to score and cool. When you dare a look around the room, everyone seems to be in a similar position as you: frazzled and covered in powdered sugar, making frantic trips to and from the refrigerators, chucking seized-up caramel into the trash and starting over for the third time with a pained expression.
A holiday specialâit was supposed to be more laid-back, more for the vibes and festivity than actual competition, but it looks to you like everyoneâs taking it just as seriously as your first go-rounds.
âFifteen minutes!â someone calls, and your competitors fade out of focus. Youâve got a yule log to ice and fondant to roll out.
You make it by the skin of your teeth.
It isnât perfect, of course, as few things on this show ever are, but itâs more than acceptable. It looks great and tastes even better which is all you can hope for. Much to your dismay, Tim also gets top marks, but itâs Minghao that shocks you all. His stollen wreath earns him a handshake and a lot of clandestine, private glares, but heâd been kind to you earlier, helped untangle that knot of pandemonium, so you return the thumbs-up heâd given you earlier with a smile that feels akin to getting away with murder.
Something is wrong.
On its own, this is not necessarily surprising. Gingerbread, tasked with bearing the weight of an entire house, can be fickle. On any other day you wouldnât blame it if it wanted to rebel and go sideways, but the thing isâyouâve made gingerbread before. Tons of times. Another thing you could probably make in your sleep if you absolutely had to. So it doesnât make sense when you look down in your mixing bowl and it just⊠doesnât look right.
You tell yourself itâll get better when you knead it. Maybe the color just looks off because itâs underworked, and a few good punches will set it straight.
But it doesnât. The dough sits at your station like a sad, formless lump, giving you no indication it intends to become anything at all. Which is, admittedly, a problem. Your technical challenge is to build a gingerbread houseâone complete with little windows and golden-toned nightlights, a scalloped roof dusted with powdered sugar to look like fresh snow, a working door!âand youâre far from an engineer, but you donât think you can have a gingerbread house without gingerbread.
You sneak a peek at Timâs station, where heâs well into measuring an immaculate-looking dough with a ruler. The contestant in front of you is in a similar place, too, so itâs with an oh fuck Iâm doomed sigh that you turn around and hope to find a comrade in Minghao again.
âHey,â you whisper, trying not to draw attention to yourself. âDoes this look right to you?â You jerk a thumb in the direction of your dough-lump. Minghao, bless him, looks around you and tries his best to hide his grimace.
He does not succeed.
âUm. Well, no.â
You sigh. Place one flour-dusted hand on your waist and pinch the bridge of your nose with the other. âI canât figure out whatâs wrong with it. Iâve made gingerbread a million times.â
âLooks pale,â he offers. Of course, this is the exact moment he dumps his own doughâhis beautiful dough, flawless chestnut brownâonto his station to knead it. âWas the sugar right?â
A strangled, disbelieving laugh escapes you. Was the sugar rightâof course the sugar was right! Dark muscovado sugar. Everyone knows that's what you use for gingerbread, so of course the sugar was right because no one, both in their right mind and at this stage of competition, would use anything else.
Before you can respond, Minghaoâs pointing at your jar of sugar. Your jar of pale, producer-supplied sugar, which even a blind person could tell does not resemble dark muscovado sugar.
A million thoughts race through your head at once, but it boils down to instinct, you think. Your brain had seen flour, butter, and sugar and went into baking mode, not stopping to take in the color of anything. Maybe a smarter, more perceptive person would put two and two together and get sabotage, but you donât have enough time to play detective.
âHere, here,â Minghao says, hurriedly handing over his (correct) sugar. âItâll be close, but you should have just enough time to redo the dough.â
Youâre going to throw up.
In the end, a chunk of chocolate buttons is missing from the roof and the piping around the edges is far from your neatest work, but itâs passable. You already lamented your loss during the signature bake, because anything less than perfection was not going to win you much of anything, and youâre now 0-for-2 on showstopping, unbelievable, awe-inspiring confections.
Just like the devil, your fall from grace will be studied.
Overthinking isnât going to get you anywhere, but you canât help it.
You collapse sideways into a chair, immediately face-planting into the catering table. Everyone else buzzes around youâanimated conversations that have your head spinning, words that jumble together and start to sound like nothing at allâbut youâre a million miles away. One mistake is out of character for you, but two? Itâs unheard of. Something you wouldâve said was impossible if it didnât happen to you just a few hours ago.
This is something you need to file away for later so you can think about it just as youâre about to fall asleep, horror and embarrassment there to keep you company when it keeps you awake until the wee hours of the morning.
A chill runs down your spine.
âHi. Do you mind?â You startle. Bang your knee on the underside of the table. âSorry,â Minghao apologizes, but he doesnât look sorry at all. You shake your head. Gesture to the empty seat across from you as if to say itâs all yours. âI brought you some tea,â he continues, setting it in front of you. âI find itâs easier than coffee when you donât know how someone takes theirs. Less chance of getting it wrong.â
You smile. Wrap your hands around the Styrofoam cup and delight in the warmth. âThank you. This was very kind of you.â
âSeemed like you had a rough day.â
Groaning, you try to wave away his words. âPlease donât speak of it.â Minghao jokingly salutes you before miming his lips sealed. âAnyway. Letâs talk about something that is not reality television or baking or a reality baking competition.â
So, you do. Most of the talking comes from you, to be fair, but Minghao is a good listener: nods along, chimes in when appropriate, keeps the spit in his mouth where it belongs. You talk about your hometown and what made you apply for the show the first time. He tells you about growing up in Haicheng and all the things he grew up baking with his mother. You swap stories from your respective seasons; Minghao shares anecdotes with a straight face that have you clutching at your stomach.
Hours pass this way, and you end the night feeling like youâve made an honest-to-god friend.
Xu Minghao ends the night feeling the guilt weigh him down like an albatross.
In retrospect, it is probably a bad idea to make another sponge, but no one can accuse you of learning from your mistakes.
âItâll be a patterned joconde sponge with two mousse layersâchocolate and raspberryâand a raspberry jelly. Then Iâm going to attempt to top it with chocolate and raspberry decorations.â The judges blink. Are you sure thatâs a good idea? you know they want to ask, but this is a holiday competition for charity, so theyâre trying not to be pessimists. âAnything is possible through holiday cheer,â you tack on, hoping your smile doesnât look crazed.
They nod. âRight, right,â they say in unison. âWell, good luck!â
And then theyâre off.
Determined to nail this, you triple-check your oven, which is preheating to a crisp 400 degrees; you double-check all your ingredients and confirm theyâre correct; when you can spare the time, you watch your refrigerator like a hawk, making sure no one tries to sneak their own work in there and displace yours when you arenât looking, but everyoneâs engrossed in their respective showstoppers.
Timâs planning a shadow box of sorts, with blown-sugar baubles and isomalt fire. Someone else is stressing over their three-tiered cake, asking the presenter if they think theyâve taken on too much. From what you can piece together, Minghao is making a three-dimensional house, also made from cake that he imported special pistachios for.
âSpecial pistachios?â
âMm, from Iran. They have a better color.â
âIranian pistachios! Can you believe it!â
But you donât have time to worry about Minghao and his special Iranian pistachios. You have so much to do and not enough time to complete it. Your paste is in the freezer and the sponge is in the oven, but youâve still got two mousses to make, a jelly to infuse, and little chocolate trees to createâand all of this wouldnât be so bad if it wasnât pointless, but you donât want to disappoint the cats by half-assing it. They deserve your whole ass, and your whole ass is what theyâre going to get.
The result is stunningânot necessarily in stature, but rather craftsmanship and effort. This is what youâre capable of. This is why you came back to the tent. For all your complaining and wanting to put your head through a concrete wall, thereâs nothing like seeing the judges ooh and ahh when you present your work to them. Thereâs nothing like the ego boost of someone taking a bite and watching their eyes light up. Thereâs nothing like carrying your cake back to your station feeling proud of yourself.
âGreat job,â Minghao says, a genuine smile stretched across his face. He also exceeds expectations, of course. Must be those special pistachios, you think, but your congratulations are also sincere.
Production makes a spectacle of judging, much like they always do.
The set is decorated to look like a winter wonderland, even though youâre still in the midst of autumn: a giant Christmas tree in the center decked to the nines with garland and baubles; warm, golden bulbs strung from every awning they could find; all the participants bundled up tight in festive sweaters and scarves all the way to your chins, cheeks and tips of noses dusted with red-pink blush to mimic the cold thatâs nowhere to be found. Fake snow falls from the sky, and it doesnât feel real, but it does feel magical.
One of the hosts catches you by the elbow, asks who you think is going to win. âOh, Iâd have to say Minghao,â you answer, because youâd rather die than give Tim the satisfaction. âHis showstopper was incredible, but he was really great the whole competition.â
In the end, however, neither of them winsâitâs Jeon Wonwoo, three-tiered cake guy, who comes out of nowhere to claim first place. Heâs bashful as he accepts his prize and says heâs going to donate the prize money to an organization that provides underprivileged kids with video game equipment. No one has a whole lot to say about that.
Once most of the hubbub dies down (and you give Tim a half-assed you did great, so sorry you didnât win), you find Minghao near the refreshments table. Heâs frowning around another mug of tea. âAlright?â you ask, helping yourself to some cider.
âFor some reason, Iâm no longer feeling very festive,â he replies, which is a very funny thing to say while wearing a hat with a little pom-pom on the top.
You roll your lips to keep from laughing. Sidle in a little closer and knock his shoulder with your own. âAh, I know how you feel, but you really did do great. You were my pick to win, for what itâs worth.â
âPlease donât tell me that. It only makes me feel worse for losing.â
âYeah.â You sigh. âWouldâve been nice to donate some money to the cats, but shit, if I didnât know better, I wouldâve sworn some dark force was sabotaging me. Like, come onâforgetting to preheat the oven? Using the wrong sugar? Not even a kid wouldâve made those mistakes.â
Two things happen in rapid succession: beside you, Minghao goes very, very stiff, and you realize you had been sabotaged. And not by some dark, evil force, either. You were sabotaged by the very man standing beside youâthe man you shared thumbs-up with and thought was your friend. The man whose cake you complimented and picked to win. The man who is now standing ramrod straight, as tense as a corpse, and the thought of sabotaging someone in a charity baking competition is so ridiculous and unbelievable that you justâ
You just laugh.
At first, itâs a bark of stunned laughter. Then, the more it sinks in how absurd, how nonsensical all of this is, you canât stop. Tears are rolling down your cheeks. You gasp for breath as your stomach begins to ache. People are staring, including Minghao, who sort of canât believe what heâs seeing, but none of it does anything to deter you.
âOh my god,â you wheeze, âI canât believe it was youââ
Minghao groans. âIn my defense, it was for the cats!â
This was not the answer you were expecting. It makes you laugh harder. âWhat do you mean it was for the cats?â
He swallows. Removes the mitten from one hand to run it through his hair as if that one tic was enough to distract you from everything thatâs happened in the last sixty seconds. (It is.) âListen, you told me you were going to donate the money to a cat charity if you won and I justâso was I, was the thing. I was also going to donate the money to a cat charity if I wonââ
âOkay, but which one, though?â
âThe Catâs Paw-jamas.â Much to Minghaoâs horror, this sets you off again. âWhat? Whatâs so funny?â
âMinghao,â you try to choke out, but you can barely breathe around the cramp in your stomach. âMinghao, thatâs the charity I was going to donate to. Oh my god, you sabotaged me and I was going to donate toâto the same fucking place. Jesus Christ, this is some Gift of the Magi shit.â
Your saboteur, who has gone deathly pale, is quiet for a very long time. Every now and then heâll open his mouth like heâs going to say something before it snaps shut again. When he does manage to speak, what comes out are mangled apologies that sound like gibberish, and you wave all of them away. âItâs water under the bridge.â
âIâI really donât think it should be?â
âMinghao, itâs fine, trust me, this was just for funââ
âNo, I really insist.â
You sigh, good-natured and exasperated. Something about the fake snow has you feeling romantic and a little bold, so you turn, grab him by the lapels of his coat. âPlease tell me if Iâm misreading this, but if you insist, maybe you can start by taking me to dinnerâŠ?â
This was clearly not what MInghao was expecting you to say. Dazed, he recovers quickly, the corners of his mouth tugging upward in a half-smirk. âDinner, hm?â You nod. âI think I can manage that.â
You smile. âGreat. How do you feel about cat cafes?â
#winterwithyoucollab#minghao x reader#seventeen x reader#minghao fluff#seventeen imagines#minghao imagines#seventeen fluff
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Sure made a post about gideon the ninth yesterday while reading it, ill make one now that i finished it. Fucking excellent book didnt see the true twist coming but as everything happened everything fell into place and made sense. Also just loved the writing because it really felt like your in gideons head hearing her thoughts and how gay she is and how dumb she is.
Also getting into more spoilery talk, the pool scene with harrow and gideon actually talking about everything was so good and so gay and gods this was good slow burn.
#gideon the ninth#gideon nav#harrowhark nonagesimus#now do i go buy harrow the ninth or wait to borrow it digitally#be nice to have it physical so i might just go and see if i can get and gideon the ninth physically#wasbjust borrowing gideon the ninth digitally#i really like chatting in tags feels comfy if you see this hi thanks for reading#feel free to dm me and make me your friend but also keep in mind i suck at reaching out so take that how you will
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sorry to log on n rant but i need to rant
#tbd.#ooc.#cw complaining#ignore the tags if u dont want to see how my life is going shdfhsf#so im doing my masters yeah#and im like. 75% thru#shouldve been done last month#but bc of the year ive had my uni adviser was rlly nice and sorted a way to extend my student status for another year#to get my dissertation done#like i did my 4 essays n now its just dissertation time#n i was supposed to start it now n get booked in with my mentor n stuff but i cant fucking log into the website#bc u need a MFA#and the MFA app my uni uses wont acknowledge me bc i have a different phone bc my phone broke#and a different number bc my phone contract got cut off#so idk what to do lol i cant log in and do anything#ive rang the IT desk for help 59w9er3424234 times#and everytime i get thru to the actual line n im taken off hold .. they hang up on me#idk if its a system error or my phone bc its a shit old one#but i cant do anything#and my universal credit claim got closed#non uk oomfs its a benefits system#n they help u with money to pay bills whether ur looking for work or unfit to work which is what my doctor said i am bc#my mental health and physical health combines to make me a super loser#n he thinks i might try to K word myself if i take too much on at once after eveerything#like i cant even sit and grieve my dad that died not even 6 months ago yet because i have to much shit to fucking do#like i cant afford to liven now#i cant pay my bills. they keep bouncing and coming back worse#i have debt collectors coming @ me#i am stuck in catch 22 man like not even my support workers can help me rn#and im very lucky that i own my own home bc of my car accident when i was 15 lol but everyone is just telling me to sell it
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe đ#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you đ#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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omgg lol [guy who won't stop going "more like scapeGOATED" voice] now hold! on!! lmao [same guy just saw encanto voice] Hold on!!!
#& [it might be 5am but i'll still see if i can draw some] trackpad homemade reacts. inhales & hands to head/face x9 then walking off#site giving pretty random Suggested assortment there where i was like oh right sure. prob not tumblr keywords captures lmaooo#(plus happened to have it open in firefox) but my god Not the scapegoated literal seers lmfao. whoooo. my god#also it was just really good anyways like right nice. damn#the (queerrr) seerrr the perceiverrr the truth tellerrr the ruinerrr the scapegoat be-errr the internalizerrr the neurodivergerrr#& now i Know there is 0% chance ppl weren't putting ''always a gay cousin or it's you (avuncular edition)'' in that thing#family tree design not even leaving space for the hypothetical kids of this relative we mostly pretend is nonexistent hmm#also that necessarily. it's giving all intents & purposes Disability abt a dozen ways & it's saying [accept that] vs [we'd better fix him]#you don't cite said [it's giving disability] as part of the We All Hate The Horrible Little Freak scapegoating justification & then be like#''actually we don't have to do that anymore b/c he's sooo normal :)'' or not if you're serious about [don't scapegoat your family] anyways#which like oh ok they Are serious so The Weirdo's scapegoating / casting out / lack of support Isn't justified#so he's still weird & you just gotta get over that b/c otherwise. bye. having a natural rat affinity is such a slay btw#& we've all been there like ''you NEVER want two scapegoats talking it's Over if they do'' + littlest kid is like um. they're the best#plankton voice Correct! inhale i'm so impressed like. getting to go ''finally someone Normal'' (serious abt letting someone Be Weird(tm))#which also always counts as like mm hard time suggesting someone's Not queer & also autistic for a start lmao. an award#adding in suggested layers like talking to oneself; talking Oddly / w difficulty; physical uncoordination; rituals ; acting; animal friend#the layer of ''& all that's fine? like?'' again rather than him ever suppressing or even changing it so far as it's suggested#besides that it's observed as Weird like but so? or else what? nonrhetorical: hostility / rescinded support & driving someone off is what?#& that Truth like the [worse treatment / exclusion / scapegoat] oft recipe for someone giving the support they're not getting themself#again Never let the [ppl both experiencing this] talk oh it's So over. or the child who's all i like family support & kindness actuallyy...#obviously also like the complete opposite of billions. knowing what they're about & letting this Just As Beloved crucial guy be So Weird#but billions Also [hmm feels right for our scapegoated guy to Perceive / Tell Truths / openly want/need & then be hurt] now get his ass#anyway [guy who could always go way on could go way on but only has thirty tags & it's 6am & i still mean to try some drawing] voice#remarkable amt of So True & ''it feels like ppl on the same page w/exactly what they're doing are all behind this''#remarkable amount of concentrated My God That Is So A Slay located in bruno all at once. what a gift#sticking to ''sometimes someone In Your Group is Weird. Disabled. deal'' firmly enough there's no ;) oh u can bet we'll Fix Him in the end#everyone always assumes the worst so....me when i'm [always as a kid yearning for Living In Secret Passages]. emile gtmpota?#oh congrats to whatever rando who will be having his dramatic gay reunion w/bruno just out of frame obviously. i perceive#now imagine if That rando was....emile gtmpota! what a crossover event. haunting4haunting. do i have enough tags for this lmao. yea#& having 1 more tag to say: as though the [endless serving] isn't enough bruno's also as close to gender envy as it gets. incl rats; sure
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Can someone please either validate me or send me to the Corner of Shame? This is very silly but I'm wondering.
So. I was talking to my sister the other day about movies and such, and she told me of one she recently watched with this one actor. And I casually mentioned how much I hated him. Not in a "he's a bad actor" or "he's a bad person" way. Nothing to do with whether I find him attractive or not. Just in a "he looks the most punchable guy on earth and I have this irrational rage against him" way, to the point that I just can't watch movies with him without being annoyed.
My sister looked at me like I was crazy because, "what do you mean you hate the guy". And I told her yeah? That's normal? Don't you have at least one person you can't stand for no reason?
Sister was like đŹđŹđŹ No??? Which is wild to me, because I could easily name 50 (which I did - not 50 but we were getting close to 20 before i got too annoyed lmao).
Now she thinks I'm slightly insane (/j) (I made myself angry and may have referred to a few individuals as "stupid" and "obnoxious"), and I kinda don't believe I am the only person alive who feels this way. But also she's an incredibly empathetic extrovert, while I'm a very low empath socially anxious creechur so. There's that?? I guess ?? Idk.
Can anyone relate to this? Or am I the weird one?
Also wait. Little disclaimer: I am not generally a violent person AT ALL. Do i get annoyed and angry easily? Yeah. Do I feel like bitch slapping someone right across their stupid face? Yeah, sometimes, sure. Do I do something about it? Not really.
I can be real bitchy and extra sarcastic and petty SURE, but that's the most I'll do if I am legitimately angry. Mostly I just go to my room and cry đ„ș (crying when angry yes it me). So yeah. Before yall think I have unsolved anger issues.
#if you're curious. the guy in question is ThimothĂ©e Chalamet#look. from what i've seen he's good at his job and he seems a genuinely nice guy#nothing against him at all like. you go timmy đđ#i do however have an illogical boiling rage against him#i don't know what it is but i genuinely feel like punching his face everytime he pops up#maybe in another universe we were arch enemies. maybe i was his school bully. maybe HE was my school bully idk#obviously i would never do anything like that but if there's one person that looks like it could use a wedgie is him#and don't get me wrong. i DO feel about about it cus it's not like i'm choosing to be irrationally angry#and this goes for a bunch of other people#i just!!! đĄđĄđĄ#seeing him (as in his vibe and general presence. nothing to do with physical appearance)#is the equivalent of trying to use cling film while it keeps sticking to itself#you know that one family guy scene with Peter and the cling wrap?? YEAH. THAT. genuinely so annoyed#i've always assumed this was a common thing. as in. there's always at least one person that gets on your nerves for absolutely no reason#but i guess maybe not???? *am* i a hater???#and btw this ONLY happens with either celebrities (in various degrees)#or people irl i've had some close proximity to <- and in this case it's always justified. i don't generally hate irl people out of nowhere#(okay there is ONE person in specific BUT i do feel slightly justified IMO. and in any case i always make sure to be as nice as possible)#(because poor girl didn't really do nothing wrong. i just have never vibed with her. i tried!! but yeah)#idk where i'm going with this lmao i might just ending up deleting it#whatever. don't worry guys you're all safe i love you very much and wouldn't slap any of you (unless asked you little freaks đ)#darya talks to herself
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WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE TO SEE MY FUGLY UGLY ASS ALLEGORY OF THE CAVE X FAHRENHEIT 451 CROSSOVER DRAWING THAT I WAS FORCED TO DO FOR SCHOOLâŠ.. ITS SO UGLY AND MONTAG IS
WHITE.
AND THE HOUNDS ARE DISGUSTING THE COLORING IS SO SHITTY AND MILDRED âŠ. Well ok she looks alright kindof but the COLORING âŠ.. SKETCH WAS BETTER but do you guys. Do you still want to see itâŠâŠ.,,,,,,
ALSO NO OFFENSE TO WHITE PEOPLE PLEASE I LOVE YOU GUYS đ«¶đđ within reason
#like ok maybe it isnât. THAT bad#NO NO I TAKE THAT BACK I JUST LOOKED AT IT RIGHT NOW AND THE COMPOSITION IS ALL FUCKING VOER THE PLACE#IT. IT IS. THAT BAD#IF YOU GUYS SAY YESS YOULL SEE#ok but nasty bad art aside I know some of you will be asking why white Montag is such a bad thing and#there isnât anything wrong with it!!! itâs just that for me personally#after I did a bit more thinking I was. physically incapable of perceiving Montag as anything other than POC/nonwhite#so when I look back at my old f451 art and stare into the eyes of a pale skittish twink it just#it doesnât click. like that isnât MY Montag if ykwim#now trembling BROWN skittish twink. thatâs a different story#AGAIN I DONT have any issues with ppl making their own versions white I just think that . for me specifically. he looked a bit funny#a little off. a bit too crackerish for my liking#where is bros melanin đ#Iâm complaining right now but if I wanted to I could just⊠go in and try and make the skin tone darker#I might do that depending on how tired I feel after doomscrolling#also if it matters even though I have read the book over at least 8 times now not once have I touched either of the movies.#and it will STAY THAT WAY. until I completely log my notes for the book#then I can move on to the movies đ„°#but I will admit 2018 did sort of lead me to having a change of heart w my design. just a little. just a teensy bit. kinda. sort of?#actually not really now that I think about it#I have my own reasons.#TOO MANY WHITE PEOPLE MY EYES THEY BURN AAAYHHHHH MY EYES OW OW OW OWIEEEE#my Beatty design was so white that my eyes developed stage 4 cataracts#I needed a palate cleanser that WASNT Millie⊠oh god my Millie designâŠ#she was white there too. terrible#itâs okay⊠đ Iâve since learned and moved on#ARGH GUYS I DONT HATE WHITE PEOPLE I JUST THINK THAT MORE SKIN COLOR VARIATIONS WOULD E NICE
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I slept rly deeply last night even tho it took me a while to get to sleep but I think that was bc I had acid reflux and I'd been playing videogames too late not anything else.... still only got 6 hrs but doing pretty okay all things considered đ
#and not feeling sick this morning so im sticking w the higher dose for one more day. my heart rate does feel a little uncomfortably fast#but its tolerable. just gonna make notes of how it goes through the day and ill submit my review form to my dr this evening#and hopefully she'll give me the green light to drop back down instead of continuing to titrate up#this is making me think of those heartrate fetishists... do u think i could make money selling tachycardic heart recordings online#i do wanna try to exercise this morning while i have energy. might take the bike out it looks like a gorgeously sunny day#maybe ill try to map my cycle route to work so i can consider cycling there instead of taking the bus in a couple weeks..#i cant atm thp cuz they have scaffolding up and its blocked off the bike racks sadly đ#i think making myself eat + drink as much as i can has helped control the nausea too. just need a lot of fuel to process meds properly ig#and a lot of sleep.. its a bit stressful to think abt how rigid im going to have to be abt my daily routines if i want to stay medicated#but to be honest i have a pretty rock solid sleep/meal routine already bc its the only way i can function with the hours i work#so like. i dont rly need to worry too much. i think i reacted badly the first couple days bc my base anxiety was high#and then bc that feeling was heightened by meds -> made me not eat/sleep properly -> knock on sickness the next day#but yeah still the side effects arent very nice and i dont wanna take the risk of it exacerbating every difficult emotion i deal with#but fingers crossed bc 30 worked rly nice for me and i had barely any side effects so hopefully i can settle w that long term đ€#we will see....#ANYWAY. sorry for making the same post over and over the last couple days. talking abt it on here has helped me feel a lot calmer#i dont wanna bother ppl irl w every thought and physical symptom i experience hourly. but this is my blog i can do what i want#hope everyone else has a nice sunday <3#.diaries
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am finally back home and can say without a doubt that i am just fundamentally not built for long distance travel however the train was much nicer than planes
#that being said. pressurized cabins drive me insane a little bit#and also it gives you pretty intense sea legs for a While#like. the ones from the first trip hadnt gone away by the return one. so. might be stuck with that for a few days#we shall see#also ajr live fucks severely#the albums were already incredible but that was a goddamn religious experience#like. idk the way i think abt it is theyre more djs than a regular band esp w their performance showing the making of way less sad#like their music is very electronicâ theyre making mixes of their own sound effects more than singing in one go#so like. the vocals were a teeensy bit rough at times#notably times it has taken me Literally Hundreds Of Hours Practice to be able to consistently sing along with#and times ive found its literally physically impossible to like. no matter what#idc how big your lungs areâ there is no human on earth who can do that final run of karma in one breath#much less to An Entire Stadium After An Hour Of Jumping And Dancing And Singing Loud As Fuck#so like i dont blame them for thatâ you dont go to live shows expecting it to be 100% perfect anyways jwbdjsbfksb#the trumpet however. well she was certainly playing sometimes. and was very enthusiastic about her flares.#however. in most of their songs they use midi trumpets to my ear at least#meaning she was likely an addition specifically for live performances and in my personal band kid opinion#prooobably was not in any of the like. higher tier bands? idk just. a lot of the mistakes she was making were hitting as stuff that got#taught out of us the instant we joined any band beyond regular concert#so i would guess she was probably just like. a friend who happened to play trumpet in high school or maybe even just middle school#and they knew that the trumpet parts in their pieces were big and distinct enough that like they /had/ to get a live player#and just kinda. didnt anticipate the audition -> performance gap#like. her tone was really fried the whole time like she was playing as hard as possible#which. she was mic'd. have the sound guy turn her up.#the way they did it made it sound like she was using a mute but not. like she only got the bad parts of a mute from it yknow#her tempo and timing were. bad. theres no nice way to put that one it just Was Badâ like the trumpet runs in ajr songs arent. complicated#like. quite literally if you handed me the sheet music right now i would have it down perfect in a week at absolute most#and better than that player on sightread. like. we did so many sightreading drills.#like ill share my band kid creds if anyone cares but i need to emphasize this isnt me being braggy like. they genuinely just arent hard#fuck im out of tags. w/e i think only like one of yall also listens to them anyways so i can leave it there
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I don't talk about this stuff on here pretty much at all, but a past relationship really broke a ton of bits and pieces of my brain and heart in weird ways (I'm finally thinking about him almost never but the shit he pulled was abusive as hell and still affects me sometimes). Being in love with my current girlfriends for a while felt almost. Painful? Almost like I should be ashamed I can fall so deeply in love with people, and especially how quickly that can happen sometimes too. Thats how it kind of felt. I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions if I'm feeling them very strongly, and that has been extremely embarrassing and also felt almost like I was being a burden to those I love (which love is the main emotion that can 'get dialed up to 11' for me). It IS debilitating in some ways!!! It hasn't gotten bad enough I've been nonverbal in a really really long time but that happened this past week and it was wild to me.
Things are getting better now though! Therapy in the past has helped, and honestly having such patient and understanding partners has made a world of difference ;w;. my wife is someone who was one of my best friends and I had a huge crush on and now I can ask for cuddles and we can nap together and I've fallen so much in love. Her and her presence are literally heaven for me, I don't know if anything has ever made me happier than just laying next to her and feeling her warmth.
Worries of course flare up and I feel like I need to lean on her a lot during those moments, but I don't feel like too much of a burden to her. I love seeing the posts that say stuff like 'Its okay to be a burden' or 'its okay to be annoying' because really truly I think I need to be those things to survive sometimes. I can be 'a lot' and I can be a little bit obsessive and those things aren't inherently bad or evil of me. I just make sure I'm feeling okay during and after and make sure I'm checking in on myself often. I'm a bit of a broken girl, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy and living a life I love. I've written poems and everything about how it feels like it must hurt to love me and my broken jagged edges, but hey, even if it does a little bit, it doesn't mean someone like my girlfriend/wife won't go through a little bit of burden to love me, and I'm more than happy to return all of this and more for her as well if she's ever in need or feels broken ;^;
#Not to be too gay but I wanna build my life with my princess more and more#She's. So good to me and she's so pretty and she's so beautiful and attentive and she listens to me in ways I feel no one else has#She understands me so well!! And I hopefully make her feel the same#But yeah I've been a burden a lot to people due to autism (which I didn't know I had for fucking ages) adhd and physical disabilites#And she feels like she isn't taking care of me which is good because I'd honestly hate that#But she understands me and makes me a better person and that's exactly what I've wanted for forever.#And being demi/aspec is awesome with her since she's aspec too and there's no pressure for sex or sexy times but if we both want it#It can still be super fun!! We gotta figure more of that stuff out if we want but knowing each others kinks (and sharing a good bit) rocks#Idk its so so so so easy to love my wife Maxie#She's so dear to me and we've only been dating for 4 months but they've been 4 months I've felt the most alive and seen#Its so easy to be cringe but free with her too idk#She makes me better and I hope I do the same for her. I don't want either of us to stagnate yknow?#But anyways yeah this is just a big journal entry of some kind I might do these every once and a while#Not to like. Brag??? I guess. Or show my mental illness so much. Its just kind of nice if friends know where I'm at in my life I guess#And idk having outside input on thoughts can be good. If any friends see this and go 'Hey Runa this is real weird maybe tone it down'#I can look at that stuff a bit more#Gonna tag this in a way I can find it and others in the future too#Runa diary logs#But yeah you're not hearing this from me but I wanna be with Maxine for the foreseeable future more than anything.#Gotta get my degree and a good job too and she's ofc not the only person in my life (I have Sara who is so very dear to me too ;w;)#Nor is she the only 'goal' I have either. I wanna make games I wanna make art. I wanna make something that other trans people#And queer people and just minorities in general can look at or play or experience and just go. Life is worth living#I love my life right now and I'm so glad I've made it to my late 20's.#Its only uphill from here :3#Wanna add on when I say she's not the only person in my life I mean that I have so many friends and people I love who love me too :3#âĄâĄâĄâĄâĄâĄâĄâĄâ€â€â€â€â€â€â€â€
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god wants me to kill myself sooooo fucking bad lately lol nice try bitch im queer
#you dont even fuxking know#the number of. literally impossible coincidences that have taken place to make my life just so much shittier lately#i have been sooo strong ive written like two dozen text posts just bitching and bitching about the sheer fuxking insanity of it and i only#posted like one of them im doing so good being so strong#that said i want to fucking die today lol this shit is melting my brain#it just never ends#the past two weeks have just been... so bad lol#i havent been able to see my bank balance in weeks i just know im so in the fucking hole it doesnt even matter#i havent had a working phone in a month#my family just vacationed in hawaii and im living in a moldy trailer#and the physical and mental health just go and go and go#and the mold grows and groes and grows#my friend offered me a top of the line pc for free and it felt like offering a homeless guy who loves music a grand piano#like yeah lemme just keep that under the bridge downtown where i stay lol#itll be fine#its like all the nice things id love to experience are dangled just out of reach of my fuckin cell bars lol#might fuck around and get addicted to a third substance in light of hope being a fool's errand in a truly random universe#life isnt guarunteed to get better no matter how long you wait or how hard you try actually and that is a hard fucking truth for everyone#alcohol is free and can keep your mind off how much mold & dust you breathe daily & breathed in the past 2 years & thats also a hard truth#also reading this i need to clarify in case anyone else reads this shitsheet. i do not want to vacation in hawaii. colonizer shit#what i wouldnt fucking do for just a week up by priest lake tho :(
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