#that said i want to fucking die today lol this shit is melting my brain

[samwisefamgee]

god wants me to kill myself sooooo fucking bad lately lol nice try bitch im queer

[cordialcalliope]

my blog is three years old today or something im not sure I looked at the message for two seconds and started writing this. anyways

i took a nap for forty minutes and had the weirdest fuxking dream. the spiders were back (what a surprise) and a man who sounded distinctly like jonathan sims was arguing with them about the possibilities of the universe and then the spiders Converted him. im not sure what they converted him to but they kept repeating that they converted him and he started glowing like he was radioactive and the spiders came together to form a weird-ass humanoid being. made of thousands of spiders. they like led jonathan sims around and had him walk up to people and those people would just drop dead instantly, and their bodies would freeze up?? which doesn’t make any sense but whatever dream logic . anyways. after they stopped killing people we went up this tower which led to a massive ass hole in the universe and the spiders started jumping through it and told us to follow. i did not want to but jonathan sims threatened my partner and then pushed me in anyway?? the spiders were very annoyed but they were also happy because they were feeding off my fear or something. normal spider things. the hole lead to a planet that i know is a REAL planet because i have a massive hyperfixation on space but i can’t remember the name. this point in the dream is where i begin to understand i am dreaming and jonathan sims tells the spiders that i’m aware now? the spiders then wrapped my entire body in their silk and kept repeating a bunch of stuff in hungarian which i understood (i don’t speak hungarian.) about cows and sacrifices and keys to the universe?? (I asked a friend who understood Hungarian about some of the words I heard and he was like. Haha lol that’s right how did you know that, did you use Google translate etc etc, and i went . no I heard them in my dream. And he looked straight into the camera and laughed (we were on a video call) ) and then jonathan sims blasted me with his radioactivity and told me it was pride month and i died but like . I didn’t wake up yet

i was in this weird purgatory place with some guy who had a fucked up voice that was similar to michael’s from tma but it was distinctly Not Michael bc he 1) was not british and 2) did not sound anything similar to michael’s voice actor. he was american and asked me a bunch of questions about what it was like to have met jonathan sims in person. i told him i wanted to kill him a bit and then the guy started to melt and let out these really awful screams that sounded like . if you could imagine what a black hole sounds like with a billion fluorescent lights dying out and being sucked into it ?? with some echoey qualities that are guaranteed to make your ears bleed . That would be the sound. and then i got consumed by the All-Seeing-Many-Eyed-Elongated-Soul-Devouring god that the guy said he mentioned earlier but actually didn’t (this name was beamed into my head like a radio signal being picked up after moving slightly to the right with your device) and i woke up after i watched the guy i was with die

it felt really long even though I was only asleep for forty minutes. my brain worked overtime to produce all that shit. idont understand where half of the material was sourced from

i am so sick of the spiders

anyway blog birthday woohoo confetti confetti yay

[cinnaminsvga]

Dumbo | Jungkook (M)

→ summary: you know what they say about boys with big noses...

{or alternatively: jungkook has a big dick but he doesn’t know how to use it, but luckily you’re there to help.}

→ genre: humor/crack, smut → warnings: they talk about dicks a lot (i.e. jungkook has a big dick), DICK MEASURING CONTESTS (aka jk gets his dick appraised... just boys bein’ boys), explicit sexual content, semi-public exhibitionism, handjobs, blowjobs, sub!jungkook, whining, light dirty talk, mild pain play, mutual masturbation, jungkook has piercings, accidental edging (you’ll... understand), oc doesn’t have a gag reflex lol → words: 17.2K → a/n: @jincherie... you are my enabler and i will die on this hill only if you die on it with me. but of course i know you will die with me. because we only have one braincell and if either of us die, we both do. thank you for commissioning me to write this btw... even though i was already writing this so you just basically sent me money for free. ANYWAY... WORLD IS FUCK BUT I LOVE RHA!! ALSO JUNGKOOK HAS A BIG DICK!! EPIC!!

The club lights make it difficult for Jungkook to see anything. He doesn’t understand why club owners can’t just jack up the lighting for once; it isn’t like you’re going to be able to find a hook-up through echolocation or something. Though, judging by the way people seem to be groping their way through the masses, perhaps there really is no need for illumination anyway.

Jungkook normally hates this kind of scene. Drinking is all good and fun, especially when he’s with his hyungs, but going to overly crowded places makes his skin crawl with anxiety. It takes almost three shots during pre-game for him to get anywhere near this kind of place and it’s all thanks to Seokjin. That hyung thrives in these kinds of environments, like a clipped butterfly relearning how to fly.

“I’m gonna get shit fucked wasted!” Seokjin hollers, his arm looped carelessly around the only other person who hates being here as much as Jungkook does. He watches passively as Yoongi tries to bite a chunk off of Seokjin’s hand, but despite his inebriation, their eldest hyung is able to dodge it quickly.

“Not before I kill you, then everyone else in this place, and then myself, first.” Yoongi growls, nudging Seokjin off his smaller frame. If the world hadn’t been swaying underneath Jungkook’s feet, he might have offered to help his small hyung do the deed. If there’s anyone who hates nightclubs more than Jungkook, it’s Yoongi. Jungkook is frightened to know how Seokjin managed to convince Yoongi in the first place, and he’d prefer not to find out what sort of terrible blackmail the elder must have under his sleeve to accomplish such an arduous feat.

Just as Yoongi is about to connect his steel-toed boot up Seokjin’s freshly bleached asshole, Jimin returns from the bar with three glasses held precariously in each of his fists. Jungkook wonders yet again how this is possible due to the sheer tininess of Jimin’s hands, but then again... What can’t Jimin do when it comes to alcohol?

“I’m back! Here you go, Jungkookie,” Jimin says, seamlessly handing Jungkook a glass of what he hopes is just a regular beer like he asked. Knowing Jimin, he probably ordered the strongest shit they have. He peers at it suspiciously, but it only takes half a sip for Jungkook to confirm his guess. He grimaces, nearly coughing out a lung at the strength of the poison running down his throat.

“That tasted like fucking metal polish! What the fuck, Jimin?”

“I know! It’s great isn’t it?” Jimin smiles angelically, handing Yoongi one of the drinks. Yoongi looks at the swirling piss-yellow liquid as if it holds the secrets to the universe. It appears as if he’s decided something when his eyes light up.

“Oh my god, this drink is gonna kill me,” he says, not an ounce of fear in his voice. Jimin nods, not even trying to hide his deception.

“I promised the bartender a blowie if he could give me the strongest shit they had,” Jimin shrugs. “Dude literally went to the back room and took out this bottle that looked like it came from Napoleon’s secret stash of hooker piss.” He sniffs the drinks thoughtfully. “Yea, I could believe that.”

“I hate this!” Jungkook cries at no one in particular.

“Tough shit! We’re in this together!” Yoongi groans, downing the entire contents of his drink in one go before promptly being swallowed whole by the crowd. Seokjin hoots, hastily waving goodbye to Jungkook and Jimin before following Yoongi and diving into the sweaty masses like a seasoned Olympian.

“I hope they don’t die like last time,” Jungkook sighs, forcing himself to take a big gulp of his drink. It sears against his throat like a brand, which probably has an inscription saying “Jeon Jungkook has bad taste in friends.”

Jimin shrugs his shoulders. “Well, like Namjoon said a while ago, we’re gonna meet by the bar in 2 hours to check if everyone is still alive and we’ll find out then. Okay, Kook?”

Jimin has reminded him of this for the umpteenth time, though he can’t blame him for being extra careful. Last time the whole gang went to the club, Hoseok had gotten stuck in an elevator at his hook-up’s place and had cried for 5 hours straight before one of them thought to look for him. The time before that, Taehyung had ingested two times his bodyweight of margaritas and he had found himself in Japan the next morning with an extra $500 in his pocket.

Yeah. They’re idiots, but at least they’re idiots who will try not to make the same mistakes as last time. Key word being “try.”

Jungkook looks around the club, but he can’t find any awkward looking lanky people anywhere. “Where is Namjoon-hyung, by the way? Haven’t seen him since we split up.”

“Who the hell knows?” Jimin laughs, the sound drowning out when the DJ suddenly decides to play a death metal version of Dance the Night Away by Twice. Jimin’s eyes light up. “Ooooh shit! This is my song! See ya later, Kook!”

“W-wait, those drinks! Aren’t they for the others––“

“Bitch, you think these are for them?” Jimin begins to double fist his alcohol with the thirstiness of a man in a desert, or a twink confronted with two dicks. Either or.

To Jungkook’s horror, the crowd has seemingly grown thrice in size since they’ve arrived and he watches as Jimin’s body is slowly getting consumed by the masses, though he doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest. He leans into a random guy's back, a look of bliss on his face. He salutes lazily at Jungkook. “Anyway. See you in 2 hours, Kook! Try to have fun!”

Try to have fun, his ass.

Unlike Jimin, Jungkook doesn’t particularly feel like being crushed by sweaty hormonal bodies; instead, he chooses to head to the bar. He surreptitiously dumps his drink into the trash, feeling kind of bad for discarding a free drink, but Jungkook doesn’t want to get shit-fucked wasted like the rest of them are. Perhaps he’ll be the designated driver today, even though his vision is still kind of swimming. Well, he could probably walk in a straight line if he used all his brainpower. Which isn’t a lot, but you know. People learn to make do.

It takes him a while to find an empty stool by the bar and he is unlucky enough to be squished between two couples who don’t seem to be aware that public indecency is a crime. He has to endure being jostled for five minutes straight until the bartender finally notices him and allow him to order his can of coke.

(“Sorry, kid. The banana milk is all sold out. Some girl ordered our entire stock for her friends a few hours ago.” And just like that, Jungkook wants to die all over again.)

He does not know for how long he sits by the bar. Well, that’s a blatant lie, because he knows that he’s been sitting there for 18 minutes and 34 seconds exactly. He’s checked his phone religiously every 2 minutes to see if 2 hours have passed already, just so he can ask one of his stupid friends to go home with him. Perhaps he could coerce Jimin into turning in early for once (which is a pipedream, not when the DJ seems adamant to play Jimin’s favorite Christina Aguilera song 70 times in a row.)

So in short, Jungkook is miserable. He could go home by himself, but also he doesn’t want to end up having to walk to the police station the next morning to bail his friends out after one of them inevitably destroys public property again.

Fuck. Maybe he shouldn’t have thrown away his other drink.

He’s so deep in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice that one of the couples beside him have already left and that another person has taken their spot. He is jarred from his musings when a well-manicured hand is placed delicately on his shoulder, urging him to swivel the barstool around to face his soon-to-be acquaintance.

“Hey,” you say, a sultry smile on your lips. Jungkook feels his mouth immediately fill with cotton as he stares at your beautiful face, the dingy lighting of the club doing nothing to suppress the wicked glint in your eyes.

“Uhh… hey?” Jungkook replies, as charming and verbose as ever. If it isn’t obvious enough, Jungkook is a little lacking in the girls department, or at least, when it comes to girls-who-are-blatantly-flirting with him department. He normally isn’t this socially inept around the opposite gender, but given the connotations of this circumstance, his overactive male brain can only be restrained so much before it starts wandering towards dangerous territory.

It doesn’t help that the neckline of your dress is bordering on obscene, and Jungkook is afraid that if you move one more inch towards him, something very embarrassing might happen to the both of you (probably more so for him, if he’s being quite honest.)

“I couldn’t help but notice you from across the club and thought I should introduce myself,” you explain, gaze unashamedly trailing down his body. Jungkook can feel the heat from you radiating in waves, burning him from the inside out as he tries not to melt into a puddle in a pathetic attempt to get the fuck out of there.

“You saw me? But it’s… so dark in here…” Jungkook wants to fucking murder himself. That’s what he decides to say to you? God, no fucking wonder he’s a virgin. Good looks really aren’t everything when he doesn’t have a brain controlling the rest of his body. There might as well be a fucking hamster running laps inside of his skull for all he knew.

Thankfully (or unthankfully––God knows Jungkook’s stress levels aren’t lowering any time soon), you find his response funny enough to warrant a chuckle. You bat your eyes salaciously at him, which Jungkook didn’t even think was possible. People can be sexy? When they blink? Apparently, you can do that.

You shrug your shoulders. “That’s true. You caught me in a lie, I suppose. I actually knew you were coming even before you arrived.”

Jungkook chokes on his own spit then, nearly spraying you with his saliva like the dog that he is. His eyes bug out of his sockets, his body going tense with nerves. "You... you knew? What... What does that even mean?"

You point over your shoulder, gesturing vaguely at the crowd on the dance floor. "I'm friends with Seokjin over there. He mentioned you were coming with him to the club tonight so I decided to tag along."

"You know Seokjin-hyung?" The alarm bells in Jungkook's head start ringing wildly out of control. Nothing good ever comes out of being friends with Seokjin, especially since his presence alone has the power to make the creases in your brain to smoothen. Take it from someone who's been there, done that.

"Yep," you say, popping your 'p.' "I met him in my first-year English course, though I still don't know why a third-year like him was taking it in the first place."

"It's because he doesn't know how to read," Jungkook says plainly.

"I can tell. He uses voice-to-text exclusively and Siri can never spell Asian names correctly," you shrug your shoulders. "Either that, or he just doesn't know how to spell your name."

"Yea. I'm permanently John Jung Cock on his phone," Jungkook replies. He shakes his head. "Hold on, we were talking about something before this."

"Oh. About how I casually revealed to you that I was stalking you through our mutually insane friend?"

"Y-Yea, basically." Jungkook doesn't even understand what the fuck is happening right now. "I mean! Not exactly? Like, for all I know, you could've just asked hyung who he was coming with and he mentioned my name and––"

"Listen, kid. I straight up just told you I'm stalking you. Let's skip the foreplay and get to the meat of it: I'm literally following you," you say, without an inch of regret, embarrassment, or morality in your tone of voice.

Jungkook, who despite being filled with so much fear and tension enough to kill the small hamster inside his brain, is somehow able to keep his calm in front of the psychopath in front of him. Either that, or he's already in the middle of a stroke and he's lost all his fine motor skills.

"I... I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say anything, baby," you murmur, leaning even closer to him until your chest was practically pressed against his. The thin layer of your dress and his well-worn cotton tee does nothing to help the situation (both in general and the one in his pants). He can feel your every curve, can smell the sweet perfume you're wearing; you were enveloping his senses. If he tried hard enough, he could probably count your eyelashes if he so desired with how close you were.

He knows he should probably be running away in terror right now, but he finds himself stuck resolutely to the barstool, unable to move. Maybe Jimin was right... Maybe he did have a fear kink or something.

("Isn't that just called masochism?" Jungkook asks, brows raised.

Jimin only laughs, patting him on the back condescendingly. "Nah, dude. You just straight up wanna die by the hands of a hot person, and I can respect that homie. We all have been there.")

“W-what do you want from me?” Jungkook asks, sweat lining his brow. You’re still looking at him like he was a meal, but he finds he probably doesn’t mind being devoured by you.

Your wicked grin returns, full force. “I just want to play, Jungkook. But why don’t we discuss this… somewhere more private?”

Thunk. Was that the sound of his heart dropping out of his ass, or his brain pressing against the left side of his skull, or his dick hitting the roof? Jungkook isn’t sure, but he does know he wants to see where this night will take him.

He lets you lead the way, squeezing through sweaty bodies and elbowing a stray hand or two. Jungkook swears he feels a guy grope him on the way out, but before he can even sock the guy in the jaw, you’re already one step ahead of him. You hiss menacingly at the dudebro, raising your long acrylic nails in a show of dominance like you’re from some wildlife documentary. The guy audibly whines, running away from the two of you with his tail between his legs.

Jungkook stares at you incredulously. “How the fuck did you––”

“I’ve gone to tango classes with that dude. I have his mom’s phone number,” you explain nonchalantly. Instantly, Jungkook feels himself hardening in his pants.

You manage to get to where the washroom stalls are. You brazenly walk past the line of girls at the women’s section, but Jungkook is even more confused when you also pass by the men’s section. You turn the corner, where a bunch of tables and chairs were being kept. Then, you begin to knock down some of the extra chairs stacked against the wall, which is where Jungkook discovers there is an unused wheelchair accessible washroom.

“Why is this washroom being kept hidden?” he wonders aloud, sneaking guilty looks over his shoulder. No one seems to have noticed that the two of you are blatantly trespassing property, but you don’t look all that stressed about it.

You look at him weirdly. “Dude. You can barely walk in this club without getting groped, poked, or doped. As much as I’m all for accessibility, I don’t think wheelchair-bound people are gonna have much of a good time here.”

Jungkook feels as though he should be saying something profound about the need for establishments to be accessible or something, but the strain in his pants really wasn’t doing many wonders on his verbosity right now. Maybe next time.

You make quick work of the barricade and you get the door open in no time. You push him hastily inside, making him yelp as he tries to find his way around the darkened room. You flip the switch on somewhere behind him, illuminating the washroom to find… a toilet. That’s it.

“Well, they certainly didn’t think about interior decorating,” Jungkook says, laughing nervously as you click the door locked. He turns, watching as you pull the black elastic that was on your wrist and begin to tie your hair. You smile cheekily at him, the implications of what is about to happen very much apparent.

“Nah, they didn’t. But the room gets the job done and that’s all we want, don’t we?” You purr, taking the two short steps you need to get close to him once more. You trail a well-manicured nail down his chest, circling around his nipple teasingly but not doing anything more. His breathing turns more shallow, and he knows for sure that his eyes must look crazed to you right now.

You bring your finger lower and lower, grazing the top of his belt buckle and staying there. You look up at him, licking your lips as your gaze trails down to his own. Once again, he feels paralyzed as you take him in and he wishes for all the horny gods from above that you would finally end the torture and finally close the distance.

Taking some pity on him, you rest your lips against his throat, suckling gently enough that Jungkook knows it won’t leave a mark. His hands instantly come up to grab your waist, as if urging you to go harder, to make it hurt.

You smirk against his skin, deciding at that moment to bite down, hard. Jungkook yelps, before the sound morphs into an unabashed moan. His cheeks pinken, embarrassed at the volume of his voice.

“I-I…”

“Don’t worry, Jungkook…” you whisper, soothing the bite with your tongue. You pop off his skin, your lips slightly redder than before. “I’ll take good care of you, darling.”

See, Jungkook doesn’t doubt you in the slightest. As for his own skills at taking care of you when the time comes… now that’s a little bit of a gamble.

Jungkook isn’t a virgin, per se… He lost his virginity during his last year of high school to some girl he met at a party, and suffice to say, he didn’t last long. He’s had a few girlfriends in the past, but none of them ever wanted to get with him once they saw his dick. You see, he had a bit of a problem…

He wasn’t small, by the way. Don’t get him wrong. In fact, he was kinda––

Jungkook is pulled away from his thoughts when you suddenly drop down to your knees, your hands grabbing onto his thighs for support. He’s almost worried that you’d injured yourself from how fast you’d dropped, but you don’t seem all that bothered by how deftly your fingers moved to unbuckle his belt.

When you get it loosened, your hands stop by the button of his jeans and you look up at him with expectation. Jungkook almost whines when your hands drift back to your lap.

You snort, amused. “What? You think I’m gonna do all the work here, buddy? Come on, strip for me.” you say, sitting on your haunches as you wait for him to move.

The strain in his pants was getting downright painful at this point, so Jungkook is more than eager to follow your orders. Still, his hands are shaking the entire time, so it takes him a few extra seconds before he can finally unbutton his stupid jeans and pull down his stupid zipper. Even through his loose boxers, the outline of his dick is very apparent, with a small wet spot already staining the front of his boxers a darker blue.

“Uh, I have to say a disclaimer first though,” Jungkook squeaks, suddenly shy under the intense gaze you were pointing straight at his dick. It twitches slightly, and your eyes follow it like a cat ready to pounce. “I’m… kinda on the bigger side, so I just want to ask if you’re sure––”

“Baby, I was sure even before I came to this club,” you say, trance-like. Your fists clench and unclench by your sides. “Now, shut up before I change my mind.”

“But––” Jungkook doesn’t get to finish his sentence, stunned to silence when you quite literally rip his boxers off of him like a magician trying to prove something. His dick springs up half-way, still not fully hard as it’s always taken him a little bit more goading before he can get to full mast. Yea, he was that big.

You stare at it for a moment, going cross-eyed as you stared at his tip head-on like some sort of perverse gun barrel. You don’t move for so long that Jungkook is afraid that he might have freaked you out with the size of his cock, though you wouldn’t be the first in a long shot. He’s about to apologize, prepared to pull up his pants in shame and walk home with half a log in his crotch. He’s already shifting his jeans back up when you place a hand on his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.

“Wait. Are you, like, only half-hard right now?” you ask, voice quiet.

Jungkook flushes. “Y-yeah… It gets a little bit bigger when I’m fully… You know…” he says, trailing off.

You’re still looking at his dick, but after further assessment, Jungkook realizes that you don’t look horrified in the slightest. In fact, you look pleased. “Jesus fuck you’re huge! Like… almost abnormally so.”

Jungkook literally feels like he’s going to die (and he hates that it’s kinda making him even hornier). “I guess so?”

“That’s a fucking log! You could stand on that thing!”

“I don’t think that’s possible, but––”

“Seokjin had told me you were huge, but I didn’t believe him because, well, the way he described it was that you had a literal third leg hiding under there. Who would have thought that Seokjin isn’t full of shit after all,” you say, awestruck.

“I’m really not that big––wait, Seokjin has talked to you about my dick? What the fuck? Since WHEN?” Seokjin was just out there in the world? Telling strangers about his dick? That hyung is seriously getting smashed WWE style the next time he sees him, and it’s NOT going to be sexy.

You wave him off. “Oh, don’t worry. He doesn’t just tell anyone. He let it slip because he was defending your honor,” you shrug.

In the midst of Jungkook’s mental breakdown at the realization that one of his closest friends just told a random girl that he’s got a meter long King Kong dong, he doesn’t notice that you’ve already stood up from where you were kneeling. You pull down the toilet seat cover, seating yourself on it and rubbing your reddened knees with a pout. “Ouch. Damn, I’m not used to kneeling for men anymore. Sorry, where was I? Oh right!”

You snap your fingers together, smiling gleefully at Jungkook. “So! I dragged you in here to give you my proposition, you see. I have a deal to make with you.”

Jungkook looks down at his cock, which was still red and dripping pre-cum, before turning back to you. “And this has something to do with… my dick?”

“Precisely!” you cheer, glad that he seems to be on the same page as you when he was in fact, not. “Sorry about tricking you, by the way. I’ll suck your dick after this if you’re still game, but only if you agree with my plan.”

“Your plan?”

“Yep,” you say, popping your ‘p’ once more. “You see, I have an ex-boyfriend. His name is Lee Taeyong, ever heard of him?”

Jungkook vaguely knows the upperclassman, though he can’t say he’s ever spoken to him. “Kinda. What does he have to do with me?”

“Well, if you really heard of him, then you’d already be one step ahead. Seeing as how it’s not already connecting for you––” you point to his dick, poking the sensitive head with the grace of a 5-year old at a petting zoo, “––then you don’t know that Lee Taeyong has the biggest dick on campus. Allegedly.”

“Allegedly,” Jungkook repeats. He still doesn’t follow.

“Well, I wouldn’t know either because I’ve never seen his dick, so––”

“Wait wait wait. Wait.” Jungkook’s hamster brain is running a mile a minute. There have been way too many absurdities spoken in the last five minutes and he doesn’t think he’s drunk enough to deal with your insanity right now. “Let’s dissect this one at a time, shall we? First of all, how can you not know how big your boyfriend’s dick is?”

“My ex-boyfriend. And we only dated for like three days, and I don’t fuck until a week has passed, okay? I don’t play like that,” you say as if you didn’t just lure Jungkook to this dingy washroom only to give him blue balls and trauma.

“Okay, whatever. So what if he has a big dick? What does that have to do with me?”

You roll your eyes. “How can you not understand yet? I’m on the hunt for our university’s biggest dick, of course! And you, Jungkook, might just be my ticket to the number one prize.”

There is a long pause. Jungkook stares and stares at you, waiting for you to shout “Surprise! You’re being pranked, bro!” and for all the cameramen to come out and shower him in confetti and dollar bills or something. But no, nothing like that happened. He just continues to stand there with his dick out, while you sit on a dingy toilet seat with your legs crossed comfortably as if you were just two friends having a regular conversation.

After a while, Jungkook comes to a conclusion. “You’re being serious.”

You snort, annoyed as if you were the one being inconvenienced. “Of course I am, dude. I don’t stalk just about anybody to see their dick. I’m not that insane.”

Jungkook feels as though your judgment on sanity should probably be taken with a grain of salt. “S-sure. Right. You’re definitely not insane.”

“And you have a big dick! I’m glad you can see where I’m coming from,” you say, nodding sagely. You peer at his dick once more, brows furrowed as you think deeply to yourself. “Hmm… Yea, I’d say you’d be at least equally as big as him. If all else fails, I can split the winnings and get half the amount of money if you––”

“No,” Jungkook says.

You raise your brow. “Yes?” you try.

“Yes–I mean, what? No!” Jungkook repeats, shaking his head furiously. "Are you even hearing yourself? You expect me to get into a dick measuring contest with your ex just so you can, what? Get revenge on him or something?"

"Not for revenge." You lean closer to him, face inches away from his dick but you don't seem perturbed in the slightest. "It's for money," you whisper, grinning slyly.

"Money," Jungkook repeats.

You clap your hands excitedly. "Exactly! So Taeyong and I didn't actually break up on bad terms. We only got together to make Doyoung, his crush, jealous enough to confess his feelings. But now, that dumb bitch thinks that now that he's with Taeyong, he can make fun of me for not being able to handle Taeyong's dark horse cock––"

"Can you please stop talking like an insane person," Jungkook pleads. His comment remains unheard.

"––so we made a bet that Taeyong doesn't actually have the biggest dick on campus and that I'm dating a guy with an even bigger meat thermometer than he does," you finish, snapping your fingers with a flourish. There's a twinkle in your eye: it's misplaced excitement coupled with extreme insanity, Jungkook realizes.

"That's good and all, but there's just one problem."

"What?" You tilt your head, confused.

"We're not exactly dating, are we?"

"Details, details... What Doyoung and Taeyong don't know won't hurt them," you say, shrugging your shoulders.

Jungkook rolls his eyes. "Of course," he says, leaning against the grimy bathroom wall. He goes to tuck Jungkook Jr. back into his pants, his dick finally softening after the last ten minutes of psychological torture courtesy of yours truly, but you're quick to slap his hand away, making him yelp in surprise.

"No! I like looking at it," you say. You stare at his dick with rapt fascination. "It's kinda like looking at a weird, deformed baby leg. Beautiful, but haunting all at once."

Jungkook huffs, staring at you in equal parts disbelief and awe. If he thought Seokjin was mentally unhinged, then you're definitely on your way towards uncharted psychotic territory. It was kind of amazing how you could just say shit without any brain to mouth filter, in your own twisted way. "Listen, lady. I don't even fucking know what your name is, but I am not helping you win some stupid bet and showing my dick to even more strangers than I have to, okay?"

You consider him, lips pursing slightly. "Why, do you have any other plans this weekend?"

Jungkook falters. "I... No, I don't––"

You shrug your shoulders, as if that's the end of that problem. "Then it's settled! I don't see why you can't just do this out of the goodness of your heart?"

"For the last time, I won't do it even if––"

"I'll split the prize with you? 50/50? That's $1000 for having a huge dick! Every incel's wet dream!"

Jungkook pauses in his rant, choking on his spit. His jaw drops comically, unsure if he heard you right. "Did you say one... grand?"

Hook, line, and sinker. You know you caught him the moment his eyes bugged out of their sockets. You smirk, crossing your arms triumphantly as you gaze upon his desperate and broke college ass (and dick). “So? Having second thoughts?"

Jungkook is quiet for a moment. He opens his mouth, then closes it. He tries to wrap his head around the number, unsure if he should be worried about how ready he is to drop his pants for money. Have I completely lost it? Am I that much of an idiot? he wonders, but then again… He’d be an even bigger idiot for letting free money go down the drain.

“Where is this money even coming from?” he asks, even though he knows his guard is already dropping quickly.

You wave your hand flippantly. “Oh, Doyoung is filthy rich. I imagine that $2000 is nothing to him,” you say, picking at a hangnail. “It’s not much money to me either, but my pride is mostly at stake here. If you want, you could take all the money as a prize, so long as you make that bitch eat his heart out.”

Jungkook feels his dick twitch and he knows that you notice. “Two… thousand…” He accidentally moans, gripping his thighs to prevent himself from nutting. “That’s…”

You tilt your head, arching a brow. “Not enough? I could put in an extra $500 if you’re really against this whole thing. To be fair, I wouldn’t wanna expose my coochie to a random person either––”

“Two thousand five hundred? Are you fucking insane?” Jungkook exclaims, voice cracking at the end. He clears his throat, but it still feels like his lungs are on fire.

“Okay, three grand it is but I’m not going any higher than that,” you huff, shaking your head. “Mr. Jeon, you really do drive a hard bargain, though I always notice that well-endowed men tend to think they deserve the universe, so I’m not surprised.” You chuckle to yourself, as if anything about this situation is worth laughing at. Jungkook feels like that one time he had inhaled an entire helium balloon in one breath when he was younger: kinda nauseous but also kinda euphoric. Is it bad that his dick is stirring awake right now? Hello?

You put your hand out, looking at him expectantly. “Well? Do we have a deal or not?”

Jungkook takes a deep breath and accesses his options carefully. Does he:

Give up his low self-esteem for money and enter an actual dick-measuring contest with some stranger;

There is no other option. Jungkook wants money.

He exhales, a migraine already throbbing incessantly in the back of his skull. He thrusts his hand forward, gripping yours harshly in a firm handshake. “I’m in,” he says, without missing a beat. Your smile brings a shiver down his back, and he can’t help but wonder if this is what Judas felt like when he betrayed Jesus, except he’s betraying no one but his own self-worth.

Well, he always did wonder how much his life was worth and three grand doesn’t seem like that big of a stretch. Oh well.

“Nice,” you chuckle, seemingly vibrating from excitement. You slip behind him, grabbing his phone from the back pocket of his jeans (which were still, by the way, pooled around his thighs because his dick was still out. Just to remind you guys in case you forgot. OP doesn’t want you to ever forget about it.) You flick open his phone, cackling maniacally when you realize he doesn’t even have a password on.

Jungkook squawks. “Hey, what are you––”

“I’m saving my number on your phone,” you explain. He can barely see what you were typing into his phone contacts, but he doesn’t miss the way you attach a heart emoji beside your name. You open his texts, sending yourself an octopus emoji that just so happened to be Jungkook’s most frequently used emoji. You snort. “Octopus emoji, huh? Seems appropriate… Can’t help but think it was a sign that this might have been destiny.”

“I just like takoyaki…” Jungkook defends himself sulkily.

“Yea? Well I like cock,” you say. You pause, furrowing your brows. “Oh, I meant to say chicken. Same thing.”

You hand back his phone, grabbing your small purse that you had thrown aside onto the washroom floor. You straighten your dress, looking to all the world as if you hadn’t just offered a stranger three grand to show his dick. “Well, it was nice meeting you, Jungkook. I expect to see you soon, maybe this weekend if you’re free. I’ll text you the details of when we’ll meet next. Toodles!” you wave, sending him a flying kiss for extra measure. Jungkook’s eye twitches, and he wonders not for the first time tonight if he was trapped in a coma and was slowly passing away.

Just as you are about to head out the door, you stop in your tracks, turning back to face him. You give him a curious expression, gaze dragging downwards until you were staring down the barrel of his dick once more. “Hey, sorry about leaving you hanging like that, by the way. I would love to help you finish, but I have a ride to catch. Raincheck?”

Not waiting for an answer, you saunter away with a spring in your step. The door swings back closed, leaving Jungkook alone for the first time in what feels like forever: just him, his dick, and the promise of three thousand dollars on the horizon.

“I’m so fucking stupid,” Jungkook groans, sliding down to the floor. He fists his cock in his hand, groaning loudly when he feels the pleasure jolt up his spine like electricity. As he listens to the sounds of his heavy breathing and the slick mess in his hands, he can’t help but wonder if Jimin was right… Maybe he did have a thing for insane hot girls who were out to kill him.

x x x x x

After Jungkook cleans himself up, he marches out of the washroom with as much dignity as he can muster. Which is to say that he walked out of there with his head bowed in shame, meekly navigating the crowded club in search of his friends.

It isn’t hard, considering that Jimin was currently hanging on the fucking ceiling from a disco ball. A group of men stand at the bottom, all of them eagerly eyeing his fat ass as Jimin dangerously humped the shiny ball of metal like his life depended on it.

“Okaaaay guys! The moment this disco ball drops, whoever catches me first gets to fuck me tonight so try your best to grab me~!” Jimin singsongs from his perch, howling madly as all the horny motherfuckers scramble all over each other, desperate to catch him lest he meets his maker.

“I. Hate. My. Life.” Jungkook sighs, striding past the group of men easily with his superior upper body strength. “Move, incels. This twink isn’t letting any of you simps touch his ass. He just likes the attention.”

“Aww, Jungkookie! Don’t ruin my fun~! Unless you wanna catch me and we can finally fu––” Jimin screams mid-sentence, just as the cord holding him and the disco ball snaps. All the guys step over themselves to catch him, but Jungkook is stronger and faster. He catches Jimin mid-air, snatching him in an instant and hoisting him over his shoulder. Everyone cheers and hollers, clapping for him as Jimin continues to giggle hysterically into his back.

“Yay! Jungkookie is gonna fuck meeeee,” Jimin pats him on the ass, but Jungkook ignores him. He goes around the club, searching for the rest of his friends until he has five dangling bodies hanging off his body like some six-headed freak.

Well, it’s soon going to be five-headed after he beheads Seokjin, whom Jungkook is certain just vomited all over the back of his jeans.

“I can’t fucking find Yoongi-hyung.” Jungkook grits his teeth, his nose assaulted by the stench of Namjoon’s armpit as the elder contorts himself into a more comfortable position. “Stop fucking moving, you long-legged bastard. Why’d you have to be born with such good body proportions?”

“And why are you so hot, Jungkook?” Taehyung swoons from somewhere underneath Hoseok, who seems to be either passed out or dead; Jungkook didn’t pause to check for a pulse.

“Pretty sure Yoongi went home,” Seokjin slurs, a second wave of nausea hitting him as he struggles to keep the alcohol inside of him a bit longer. “Ugh… Said he saw his roommate and they went home together.”

“God, it better be his fucking roommate and not another person trying to sell his organs again.” Jungkook sighs. “Either way, we’re all going home. We’ve done enough damage for tonight.”

“Jungkookie, did you have any fun at all tonight? Didn’t see you around,” Namjoon quips, managing to wriggle out of Jungkook’s grip and fall face flat on the curb. He whines pathetically, not making a move to stand up again. “Ugh. I didn’t even drink a lot tonight so why...?”

“It’s because you’re Namjoon,” Jungkook supplies helpfully. He lets the rest of his friends down, making sure they are leaning against the wall for support (or sitting against the wall in Hoseok’s case). “Alright, I’m calling cabs. Seokjin-hyung, I’m staying over at your place tonight.”

Jimin, who was already slowly falling asleep where he stands, perks up in attention at that. “Wait, you’re coming home with me and Seokjin? Are we reaaaally gonna fuck?” Jimin tries to wiggle his eyebrows suggestively, but to Jungkook, it just looks like he’s having a stroke.

“I’m done nutting for tonight. We are sleeping once we get home and that’s it,” Jungkook snorts, crossing his arms.

“OOOOOOOH? JUNGKOOK GOT FUCKED AT THE CLUB!”

“GET IT BOY!”

“OH SHIT HE FINALLY USED HIS PURPLE-HEADED YOGURT FINGER!”

“DAMN DUDE? DAMN? DAMN?”

“AW, YOU FUCKED SOMEONE WITHOUT ME?”

Jungkook swears he had heard Hoseok speak amidst the yelling from his friends, but his hyung still remains mysteriously hunched over and dead to the world. “None of your businesses. Anyway, a cab is coming soon and I swear to God, if any of you piss or vomit in that poor man’s vehicle, I will make sure none of you live to see the light of day, okay?”

Jimin turns to Taehyung, who just happened to be beside him. “Not gonna lie, but I kinda jizzed in my pants just now. That was kinda hot.” Taehyung only nods in agreement.

An hour and thirty minutes later, Jungkook manages to get the last of his idiot friends home, leaving only him, Seokjin, and Jimin as they tiredly trudge up the steps to the apartment. It takes an additional twenty minutes for Seokjin to figure out where he’d left his keys, only for Jimin to raise his finger for them to wait as he hid behind some bushes while unbuckling his jeans. When he comes out of the bushes, pantless, he has a key raised with a victorious smirk on his face.

“Don’t ask where I keep this,” is all he says and Jungkook is glad that he had rejected Seokjin’s offer to permanently move in as their roommate.

They all stumble into the apartment, with Seokjin falling immediately onto the couch. He curls up into a little ball, snoring the moment his eyes shut. Jungkook wants to shake him awake, eager to interrogate him about what happened between you and him just a few hours ago at the club. Even if he wanted to wake him up, Jungkook is sure nothing can rouse the elder; this fact is confirmed when Jungkook dumps water on him, only for Seokjin to keep sleeping soundly like a baby.

“Well, hyung is dead. Guess it’s time for me to die too,” Jimin says sleepily, the horniness and insanity from the club already wearing off. He pats Jungkook gently on the head, pointing towards Seokjin’s room. “Sleep there. I’ll hand you an extra blanket because I wouldn’t trust that hyung’s sheets. Let’s sleep, yeah?”

Left with no other choice, Jungkook heads to Seokjin’s bedroom, jumping onto the unmade sheets and pretending not to notice the crusty unknown substance on the corner of the bed. He can’t fall asleep, not when he’s left haunted by the weight on his chest (and dick). Jungkook fiddles with his phone, staring wide-eyed at the name displayed tauntingly on his screen.

Y/N L/N.

He was gonna have a nightmare tonight, that’s for sure.

x x x x x

Jungkook wakes up early, much to his chagrin. He’d really like to stay dead to the world for much longer, but the smell of coffee brewing and bacon cooking is kind of a hard deal to pass up. Jungkook shifts in bed, cringing when he realizes he went to sleep in his jeans, and more importantly, that his pants felt a lot stickier than he remembered.

He lifts the blanket up, confirming his suspicions. “Fuck!”

Well, guess he didn’t have much of a nightmare last night after all.

He shucks off his clothes, disgusted by the mess he finds in his underwear. He hobbles over to Seokjin’s closet, cringing when he finds only one (1) clean pair of shorts left, which just so happened to have “PEE IS STORED IN THE BALLS” stamped on the back in cursive font. Beggars can’t be choosers, he supposes.

Jungkook tiptoes out of the bedroom, confronted with the sight of Jimin pouring three mugs of coffee and Seokjin still slumped over the couch, a substantial amount of drool dripping down from the side of his mouth and forming a puddle on the floor. Jungkook takes a photo, saving it for later.

“Morning,” Jimin smiles from the kitchen, offering Jungkook one of the cups. Jungkook is certain that Jimin has no recollection of the events from last night, though such is Park Jimin’s way of life. He drinks to get fucked up, then he forgets, and then the cycle repeats itself anew. Jungkook wonders how Jimin always manages to wake up without a hangover, though God might have just given him a super liver in compensation for his lack of height.

“Hyung is still dead,” Jungkook states plainly, walking over to Seokjin and peering at him closely. Jungkook sticks a finger into his agape mouth, collects some of his spit, and then proceeds to give him the wettest willy of his life. Still no response.

“Let me try,” Jimin says, sauntering over to Seokjin with one of the cups of coffee. Jimin leans down, hums gently into his ear. “Hyung, wake up. We have coffee for you!”

Seokjin mumbles incomprehensibly in his sleep, snuggling deeper into the couch stuffing. Jimin tilts his head, still smiling. Then, he dumps the scalding cup of coffee all over Seokjin’s crotch.

In an instant, Seokjin screams with the pitch of a banshee, swinging his arms wildly about and nearly knocking himself out with his own fist. Jungkook and Jimin watch passively from the sidelines, waiting for the elder to finish fanning his nutsack before greeting him a pleasant morning.

“WHY ARE YOU BOTH LITERAL DEMONS?” Seokjin hollers, jumping to his feet with his scorched balls and all. Taking pity on him, Jungkook walks over to the fridge, tossing his hyung a bag of ice. And by toss, it’s more like he pitches the bag straight into his dick with the ease and speed of a seasoned baseball player, eliciting another round of pained howls.

“YOU––ASS––” Seokjin seethes, clutching the bag of ice to his nether regions. He sits down on the adjacent loveseat, expression contorting as he cups his balls gingerly. “God, it’s almost like you guys don’t think I deserve basic human decency.”

“That was just a small part of my revenge for you, after you gave my contact details to an insane woman,” Jungkook sneers, miming a punch onto Seokjin’s handsome face. Seokjin doesn’t even flinch, too busy staring at Jungkook’s legs.

“Hey, are you wearing my thot shorts?”

Jungkook looks down at the neon pink monstrosity around his hips. “You call these your thot shorts?”

Seokjin shrugs. “I got dicked down in them once. You should try.”

“Oh, did I hear something about revenge? I smell tea in here,” Jimin says, coming back from the kitchen with his own cup. “Well, I have coffee but same shit. What happened?”

“This––” Jungkook points an accusatory finger at Seokjin, “––asshole sent my location information to an insane stalker lady last night after he told her that I had a huge dick!”

Seokjin squints at him, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about Y/N! She said you told her about how big my dick was and when she asked you where I was, you told her I was going to the club with you last night!”

“Oh.” Realization dawns on Seokjin’s face, which was quickly replaced by incredulity as he stares at Jungkook. “I assumed she asked for your contact details because she had a crush on you. I was just trying to get you some pussy, bro.”

“Yeah, Kook. Not gonna lie, but I’d be dicking down girls left and right if I had a dick as big as yours,” Jimin says, eyeing the bulge in his teeny tiny shorts with interest. “In fact, I’d probably be a top if I had a dick as big as yours.”

Seokjin laughs, nearly shooting out phlegm from the strength of it. “Oh god, don’t tell me. You couldn’t get your dick hard again? Don’t worry bro, if I had a dick as big as yours, it’d take ages for it to fill up too.”

Jungkook flushes, stomping his foot in embarrassment. “That! Wasn’t the problem! The problem is––”

“––that Jungkook nuts too quickly because he doesn’t have any practice,” Jimin tuts sadly, patting the younger with a pitiful expression. “Don’t worry, Kook. Hyung is open to giving you some pointers.”

“That’s not it either!” Jungkook screams, groaning in annoyance. “She came up to me because she offered to pay me $3000 to enter a dick-measuring contest!”

Jimin and Seokjin tilt their heads in tandem, still not getting it. “So?” they both chorus, giving him a blank-eyed stare.

“Are you guys out of your mind? I got bribed into showing my dick to some strangers like some kind of weird prostitute!”

“It’s not prostitution if you’re not engaging in sexual activity,” Jimin muses, taking a long sip from his coffee. He shrugs his shoulders. “Honestly, I don’t see how this is a problem. You show some girls your dick, and you get money. Dudes would kill to be in your position.”

“Oh my God, don’t tell me,” Seokjin leers at Jungkook, and the younger almost can’t stop himself from landing another blow against the elder’s abused crotch. “You got roped into some bukkake orgy and now you’re asking your hyungs to help you? Don’t worry, Jungoo… You came to the right people. You see, Jimin and I have some experience with––”

“LALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” Jungkook jams his fingers into his own ears, screaming hysterically to drown out the sounds of Seokjin and Jimin’s combined laughter. Jungkook pouts at them, glowering pathetically. “Seriously, hyungs! Do you not see how fucked up this is? Who follows a stranger to a club, pretends they’re going to give you a blowjob, only to offer 3K for you to show some strangers your dick?”

“A regular Friday night if you ask me,” Jimin says, shrugging once more. Jungkook stares at him, realizing that maybe it was the wrong idea being friends with these two lunatics in the first place. Knowing Jimin, he’d probably been in much more lewd and compromising situations than Jungkook will ever have. Rumor has it that Jimin had once done a keg stand while having his dick sucked while on vacation in Japan.  

“Well, if you were really against it, then you could have just said no?” Seokjin points out, wagging a finger at him. “I know Y/N, and yeah she’s kind of demented, but she still knows that no means no. Surely, you haven’t considered the fact that you are 1) a pushover and 2) horny for her?”

“Well, yea––No, what––No!” Jungkook splutters, stammering wildly. His two hyungs grin salaciously, gazing at him knowingly. Jungkook can only groan, as he knows that they kind of have a point. He’s always been too weak for girls and money, so when you put those two things together…

“I might be addicted to the BBC tag on Pornhub, but you my friend… You’re in it for the BBCC,” Jimin snickers, patting Jungkook comfortingly on the back. Jungkook groans into his hands, slumping onto the loveseat beside Seokjin, whose icepack had long since melted and caused the seat to be uncomfortably damp.

“BBCC? I’m almost too afraid to ask.”

“Big black credit card,” Seokjin pipes up, wrapping his own arm around Jungkook’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, bud. We all have been there.”

That’s the problem: somehow, Jungkook finds himself much too ready to accept his fate, eagerly awaiting when you’ll text him next.

x x x x x

After a much-needed shower at Jimin and Seokjin’s place, Jungkook tiredly makes his way to the nearby bus stop, ready to go home and sleep the entire weekend away. Screw his Biochemistry midterm on Monday––if he really is going to whore himself out to you, then he’s going to need all the self-care and therapy that he can get. His phone itches in the pocket of his shorts (yes, he’s still wearing the thot shorts), and he wonders if he should text his therapist and ask for an extra appointment later in the day.

Just as he’s about to pull out his phone, he senses it vibrate once, twice. He freezes in his steps, walking out of the way of busy pedestrians on the sidewalk and into a random clothing store. He sees the lone cashier staring at him from the corner of his eye, but he does not check if her gaze is filled with disgust or disgust. Probably disgust, he surmises.

Flicking his phone on, he sees two new messages from you and his heart immediately starts to hammer in his chest. No one has ever made Jungkook equal parts scared and excited, though he imagines you might have that effect on most people, what with how you look like the type to tie up unsuspecting victims to harvest their organs in your summer cottage up in the mountains or something. Or maybe that’s just Jungkook projecting.

from: y/n l/n ❣️ hey! sorry for taking so long to text you. my roommate tried to make cheesecake at 3am last night and i had to supervise in case he burned down the apartment.

from: y/n l/n ❣️ anyway, i was wondering if you were free later? some time after 5 maybe? let me know!

You already want to meet so soon. Jungkook exhales heavily through his nostrils, pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to calm himself. Alright, this is fine. Jungkook is a big boy: he can handle going to a girl’s home without losing his mind. You didn’t say anything about this being the actual dick-measuring contest yet, so he can only assume this is just you asking for something else. Maybe to talk more? Maybe he’ll get a down payment for the prize money? Maybe you’ll follow through on your raincheck? God, is it wrong for him to have his dick plumping up in his shorts when you haven’t even done anything to him yet?

(On the contrary, you could say that you have done a lot for him over the past twenty four hours, though maybe not in the way most people would expect.)

from: jjk yeah i can meet you at 5. what’s this for?

from: y/n l/n ❣️ oh, nothing! i just wanted to talk to you about the actual competition and stuff. plus, i want to actually measure your dick, just so i can see how much you’re actually packing down there ;)

from: jjk ….yeah, fine. whatever.

(This really isn’t a “whatever” type of situation, but honestly, Jungkook doesn’t really know what to say anymore. He’s officially lost his singular brain wrinkle. He’s smooth brain McGee over here.)

You follow up by sharing your location with him, and he’s surprised to find that you aren’t that far away from where Jungkook was right now. He really did mean to go back to his apartment first and get changed into something more… morally acceptable, but since he hasn’t been arrested yet for public decency, he should be okay with going to your place in Seokjin’s thot shorts.

There’s something invigorating about going to your place, dressed the way he is… Maybe the shorts are somehow giving him brain hemorrhage by indirect association with Seokjin. Either that or Jungkook simply loves torturing himself by embarrassing himself constantly. Well, at least he showered and combed his hair before leaving his hyungs’ place.

He inputs your address into his phone map, taking his sweet time as he walks the short distance to your apartment. As he passes by the buildings and street corners, he can’t help but think that he might have been around this area before. He tries to rack his brain, forcing himself to remember why this route seems so familiar.

“Oh right. Yoongi-hyung’s new apartment should be around here,” he muses to himself. He wonders if his hyung had gotten home safely last night. He should probably text him to make sure, but he’s got a literal dick appointment to attend to first, so he’ll remember to check up on Yoongi once he finishes up with you.

Does that make him a shitty friend? Probably. But would Yoongi do the same if Jungkook was in his shoes? Probably.

Yeah, Jungkook and his group of friends aren’t exactly role models for a sensitive and loving relationship, though that’s not much of a surprise to anyone.

He arrives at a decent looking apartment complex, complete with its own little water fountain at the entrance. He walks through the automatic sliding doors, peers at the shiny caution tape barring him from using the elevator. He stares at your address on his phone, groaning loudly when he sees “1603” much to his annoyance.

“No wonder she had such great thighs,” Jungkook mutters angrily to himself, preparing himself for the long and arduous journey his glutes are going to endure.

Years later, Jungkook finds himself at your door, his lungs jumping out of his throat as he struggles to catch his breath. He hunches over, elbows digging into his thighs as he wipes the sweat trailing down his neck. He can see your door just near the end of the hall, but just as he’s about to crawl his way over––

“Oh. Oh my,” a familiar voice says from behind him, and Jungkook looks over his shoulder to see…

“Yoongi-hyung?” Jungkook exclaims incredulously, mouth gaping at the sight of his thought-to-be-dead hyung coming out of the elevator. He splutters for a few more moments before pointing an accusing finger at Yoongi. “You used the elevator?”

Yoongi raises an eyebrow, turning to look at the elevator with a thoughtful look. “Oh right. The elevator works. The maintenance people just forgot to remove the safety tape from last week.” Yoongi looks back at Jungkook, gaze lowering to his legs. “I see that Seokjin has provided you with his thot shorts.”

Jungkook doesn’t even try to cover himself, used to his friends seeing him in varying degrees of undress. Like, what was Yoongi going to do? Take a photo of him and post it to his Twitter for his thousands of followers to see? He wasn’t that cruel...

Snap! Yoongi pockets his phone quickly, clearing his throat. “So,” Yoongi walks up closer to him, peering at Jungkook curiously. “What brings you to my apartment? Not that I’m happy to see you, but I assumed you and the rest of our idiotic gang would have died of alcohol poisoning the night before.”

“...It’s a long story,” Jungkook says, rubbing the back of his neck. “Say... Where did you go last night, by the way? I tried to look for you, but Seokjin said your roommate brought you home?”

“Yeah. She went to the club with a bunch of her friends. She offered me a ride with her because she knew how much I hated it there,” Yoongi says, frowning. “Fuck you, by the way.”

“What the fuck? What the hell did I do?”

“I don’t know. You’re wearing Seokjin’s shorts and my ape brain told me to retaliate out of instinct,” he explains. He takes another long, good glance at his shorts. “Color me surprised that they fit you, by the way. I’d assume your huge ass would be making it rip the seams, or perhaps your dick would be saying hello.”

Jungkook pats his junk proudly. “I know, right? Big guy decided to cooperate, for some reason.”

“Will you guys stop yapping it up out in the hall? I’m pretty sure Mrs. Sy can hear you two idiots from the first floor,” a voice from behind Jungkook hisses, causing the two boys to jump up in surprise. Lo and behold, your head is peeking out from behind your door, a perfectly stenciled eyebrow arched in annoyance. “Well? Are you two coming in or what?” You return back to your apartment, assuming that they’d soon follow.

Yoongi looks at Jungkook. “Wait. You know Y/N?”

Jungkook looks at Yoongi. “Wait. You know Y/N?”

Yoongi squints his eyes. “She’s my roommate. She’s a mutual friend of––”

“––Seokjin,” Jungkook finishes. The two of them pause, a metaphorical light bulb glowing above their heads.

“Ah.”

“Ah.”

“I see. The demoness has roped you into some hare-brained scheme, hasn’t she?” Yoongi nods sagely, rubbing his beardless chin. “Can’t say I feel sorry for you since I have to live with the wench.”

Jungkook grimaces. “Man. She’s insane around you too?”

Yoongi shrugs, walking over to your shared apartment. “I’m dating Seokjin, remember? Everyday, I suffer. Everyday, I feel my arm.”

When Jungkook steps into your apartment, he can’t help but be a little surprised. Of course, he shouldn’t have expected to see a medieval torture chamber in the middle of a metropolitan city, but he wouldn’t put it past you to somehow make it happen. Instead, he finds a fairly cozy-looking home, with comfy couches and filled bookshelves, complete with a small balcony that had a few fresh herbs growing in little pots. It looks…

“Yoongi-hyung. You definitely decorated, didn’t you?” Jungkook snorts, fingering the little kitty-patterned throw blanket draped on your couch. It’s soft and expensive, and definitely something only Yoongi would buy. The elder doesn’t even bother looking embarrassed; he just throws Jungkook the middle finger as he walks towards the kitchen.

You come out once more from one of the connecting rooms at the other end of the apartment, presumably your bedroom. You motion for Jungkook to come in. “Yoongi, you’re gonna bake all day, right? Mind if you let Jungkook and I speak alone in my room?”

Yoongi waves his hand disinterestedly. “Whatever. If you guys are gonna be freaky in there, I’m gonna start playing clown music to drown you guys out, alright? And I mean the remix versions with the extra clown honks.”

You roll your eyes. “Yea, yea. We get it. Grandpa needs his special time alone too.”

Jungkook’s heart jumps when you don’t even bother correcting him. Does that mean you guys really were going to do something freaky? Hopefully, Yoongi has learned to differentiate screams of terror from screams of pleasure, though it’s hard to tell if he’d care otherwise.

He follows you into your room and immediately notices the perfectly made bed and the neatly organized desk. Your curtains are drawn close, but the sheerness of it allows the mid-afternoon sun to brighten the room regardless. Your bedroom smells faintly of vanilla and cinnamon, and he notices the small scented candle still smoking from when you’d put it out.

Nothing in the room indicates that he was inside the room of a psychopath, though maybe Namjoon or Taehyung would argue that anyone who makes their bed every day might be a little out of it. Jungkook continues to stand awkwardly by the door, unsure of what to do next except to stare.

You plop onto your bed, giving him an expectant look. “Well? Are you just gonna stand there by the door and have Yoongi see us measure your dick or what?” That gets Jungkook to move. He closes the door, pausing for a second before locking it for good measure. Then, he takes the short two steps that he needs to stand right in front of you.

You crane your neck, appraising him silently as he fidgets from the weirdness of it all. Your gaze trails down and Jungkook is not surprised when you stop to stare at his neon pink shorts. You snort, thumbing the edge of his shorts lightly. Jungkook shivers even though you’re barely touching him and he knows that you notice.

“Trying to get back at me for leaving you with blue balls yesterday?” you muse, letting go of the thin material. Jungkook wants to bring your hand back to his thigh, but he forces himself to keep still.

He looks down. “Not really? But I mean… Is it working?” He can’t help the hopeful lilt in his voice.

You laugh, patting him lightly on the thigh. “No worries, Jungkook. I did promise you a little something last night, right? I admit it was shitty of me to leave you like that, despite what you already might think of me. You probably think I’m just some insane bitch, right?”

Jungkook stares at you. “Do you want me to be honest or...?”

You roll your eyes, but you seem more amused than anything. “Save it. I know I’m weird. But, a promise is a promise…” You trail off, winking at him. “Besides, this works out for the both of us, right? I wanted to measure your dick before we meet up with Taeyong and Doyoung tomorrow, and I can help you blow your rocks right after. Seems like a deal?”

“Is it bad that I’m so ready to have you suck me off that I’m honest to God accepting your offer without any sense of dignity?”

You consider him for a moment. Then, “Nah. I know dudes who would do worse things for three grand and to have their dick sucked. I’d say you’re just doing you.” You place your hands back on his hips, thumbing around the garter of his shorts.

Jungkook groans, not even flinching when you rip his shorts and boxers off in one rough flourish. His soft dick dangles heavily between his thighs. “See, I’m not entirely comforted knowing that you agree with my moral dilemma.”

You clap your hands together, excitement glittering in your expression. “Who cares! Let’s get you all hard and ready, shall we?”

Jungkook squirms under your gaze, getting dick stage fright. “H-hey… This isn’t like porn… I can’t just get hard when I want to, you know? I need… stimulation or some shit.”

You nod, humming thoughtfully. “You’re right… And I remember you said something about taking a long time to get fully hard, right? That’s gonna be a problem indeed.” You lean forward, “So. Tell me, Jungkook. What are your kinks?”

If Jungkook was drinking water, he’s sure he’d be doing a spit take right now. Instead, he just chokes on his own saliva, coughing out his lungs at your sudden inquiry. “M-my kinks? What for?”

“To get you hard, duh.” You leave featherlight grazes around his thigh, leaving goosebumps in their wake. It stirs something inside Jungkook, but not enough to do anything yet. You tsk, your brow crumpling as you decide what to do next. “What if I…”

You dig your nails into the meat of his thighs and inadvertently pull him closer. He stumbles forward, his breath knocked out of him despite how little you’d done so far. “W-wait,” he wheezes, shock running down his spine. “I––”

You smirk at him, digging harder until you’re sure to leave white little crescents littered around his thigh. “Aha. I guessed you’d be into that. You liked it when I bit you yesterday, didn’t you?”

Jungkook can’t even answer. He’s trying to keep his breathing steady, squeezing his eyelids shut. He hears you shuffling in front of him, and he soon senses your body press closer to him, alerting him that you have stood up. You wrap your arms around his neck, bending his head down until he can feel your breath fan across his lips.

Are you going to kiss him? But the contact doesn’t come; instead, your hands snake up to his hair, massaging his scalp for a moment before tugging on his roots harshly. It pulls a whine from his lips, the response surprising even himself. “S-shit,” he grits his teeth, urging you to do it again. He opens his eyes slightly, sees you watching him with rapt attention.

You lick your lips, looking at him like a meal ready to be eaten. The heat in his stomach builds, but Jungkook doesn’t have it in him to be embarrassed anymore. He doesn’t really have any more room in his brain anymore other than his unabashedly horny thoughts.

“Pain slut, huh? Somehow, it suits you.” You sound breathy, as if you were the one being pleasured instead. It makes Jungkook’s cock twitch a little, coming to life in front of you as you continue to assault his nerves.

“Do you like pain everywhere?” Your hands leave his head, coming down to the edge of his shirt. It’s a silent request, and Jungkook allows you to lift up his sweater, leaving him completely bare before you. You throw it somewhere to your right, eyes raking him up and down. Something about you still being fully clothed makes Jungkook’s inside light on fire, and it rushes blood down south before he can even understand why.

You chuckle, looking at his hardened nipples with interest. “Pierced? What a naughty boy you are.” You flick him there experimentally, and when Jungkook’s breath hitches, that gives you a go sign to do more. You fiddle around with the rosy bud some more, circling it with the pads of your fingers until Jungkook was a whining mess before you. “Sensitive… What a prize you are, Jungkook.”

Jungkook keens at the praise, even though he knows you didn’t really mean it in a good way. He finds himself wanting to please you: to get himself hard for you, to make you want him like how he wants you. He honestly can’t tell if you’re enjoying this as much as him, other than the way you’re watching him closely like a hawk.

He’s nearly half-hard, his cock jutting against your stomach. You peer down, figuring out your next move as he holds his breath, afraid he might do something wrong. Your fingers move once more, tracing shapes across his stomach and causing the muscles there to contract. He anticipates your next movements, his dick steadily throbbing.

“I suppose the easiest way to get you hard is to touch you here, right?” you murmur lowly. You grip him by the hips all of a sudden, your thumbs placed firmly into his Adonis’ belt. You inch closer and closer to where he wants you the most, and you watch him amusedly as he clamps down on his bottom lip, unwilling to sound desperate so early in the game.

(Was it early though? He’s been thinking about this exact scenario since last night, even plaguing his dreams. Still, it wouldn’t look cool if he just… busted a nut just from having his dick out. Even he knew that was kinda sad.)

Despite his best efforts, perhaps the desperation is apparent on his face because you eventually do take pity on him. You wrap your fingers around his length, not moving just yet. You smile secretly to yourself when you hear Jungkook exhale and swallow audibly, but you’re waiting for something. You look up at him, batting your eyelashes innocently as if you didn’t have his dick in your hands.

“What do good boys say when they want something?” You’re fishing, but your teasing tone breaks Jungkook down enough to release a ragged moan. He places his hands on your shoulder, using you for support as you slowly inch your hand down to the base of his cock.

He can’t keep the whine out of his voice when he says, “P...Please. Move?”

Your grin is wicked. “Of course, baby.”

Yeah, if you keep this up, Jungkook is going to come embarrassingly fast and he doesn’t think you’ll be quite pleased with that.

There is pre-cum leaking at the tip of his cock, dangerously close to pooling over and dripping all over your carpet. You are quick to swipe it off with your thumb, dragging it down his shaft for an easier slide. Jungkook’s abs tense, his teeth clamping on his bottom lip so aggressively that he almost splits it open. His grip on your shoulders tighten, but you don’t mind. You keep stroking him languidly, not going fast enough for Jungkook’s liking, but the concentration on your face is enough to make Jungkook release a stilted moan. It doesn’t take long until the wet squelch of your hand jerking him fills the room, coupled with the sound of Jungkook’s labored breathing.

“You’re really wet,” you chuckle, watching with fascination as your words urge another drop of pre-cum to collect at his tip. “Are you always like this?”

“N-not… Really?” It takes a while for Jungkook’s brain to connect, caught between wanting to keep his eyes shut and wanting to stare at your cute hands trying to wrap around his dick. Your fingers can’t even circle the girth of his cock, the realization almost making Jungkook come there and then.

He’d never been one to be overly confident about his penis size, to be honest. He doesn’t really go around proclaiming it to the world, and his meager body count doesn’t help the fact that most people are unaware of the extent of his package. He isn’t itching to tell people either, but he’s starting to see why people would be envious of having a large dick. The sight of you struggling to pump his cock really makes for a pretty picture.

“Ugh, my arm is getting tired,” you complain after a while, getting frustrated when you realize that Jungkook is almost fully hard, but not quite. “Jeez. Your dick is so huge that it really takes a minute for the fuel tank to fill up, huh?”

“I-I’m sorry?” Jungkook wheezes, nearly crying out when you flick your wrist in just the right manner. Your hand pauses by the head of his dick, squeezing tightly enough not to be painful, much to his disappointment. Jungkook is still too shy to ask for more.

You let go of him all of a sudden, causing a guttural whine to escape Jungkook’s lips. Ignoring him, you nudge him back a few steps, Jungkook complying wordlessly. He’s still confused until you reach over to your bed, grabbing one of your pillows before dropping to your knees. Jungkook’s jaw drops, spluttering incomprehensibly as you cushion your knees with the pillow.

You look up, giggling amusedly. “Reminds you of last night, huh? Not gonna lie, I’ve been itching to have your cock in my mouth, though I’m not even sure if any of it can fit. That’s not gonna stop me from trying.”

Oh God. Oh Geez. Jungkook is going to die, isn’t he? He vaguely remembers his dream from the night before, how your pretty pink lips had stretched over his dick, barely going past his head. He whines pathetically, another string of pre-cum finally dripping down and landing on your thighs.

You hold him by his hips, preventing him from moving as your hot breath fans across his wet head. You lick your lips, taking one glance up at him before giving his tip a quick peck. It’s nothing to write home about, but the way Jungkook’s breath catches is enough to encourage you to do more. You suckle his head a little, suctioning your lips and moaning slightly at the bitter tang. Your eyes flutter shut, tongue swirling nondescript patterns as you greedily engrave his taste into your mind.

The image of you enjoying yourself is enough to get Jungkook fully hard. He feels like he’s on fire, from his flushed cheeks all the way to his groin. He doesn’t know where to put his hands, unsure if you’d allow him to pull on your hair.

You must have noticed his plight, because one of your hands leaves his hips to grasp his own, bringing it to your hair. You pop off his dick for a second, lips already redder than before. Jungkook wishes he could kiss you, but he’s still so unsure. “You can pull my hair, but if you push me down further than I’m willing to go, I’m stopping immediately, okay?” Your voice is authoritative and your gaze is steely, but it only prompts Jungkook to moan in reply.

He nods, nearly getting whiplash from how quickly his head bobs. You smirk, appeased by his obedience. You return to your ministrations, rewarding him by going further down and bobbing your head at a snail’s pace.

Jungkook’s sanity is barely hanging onto a thread. He wants to thrust into your wet mouth, never having felt this sort of pleasure in his life. He’s beginning to understand why Jimin is such a slut, and he wonders why on earth he’s been denying himself things like this. His eyes are half-lidded, but he’s determined to watch you as your masterful tongue brings him to the edge of hysteria.

When Jungkook doesn’t think your mouth can go further down, you surprise him once again. You go lower, and Jungkook feels your throat swallow around him until he nearly screams. Drool pools in the inside of his mouth, as if Jungkook’s body doesn’t know what to do with the pleasure. His legs nearly give out, but your hands keep him mounted.

His toes are curling, thighs trembling. “Fuck,” he whines, unable to stop himself when he thrusts a little into your mouth. “Shit, I didn’t mean to–”

You glance up at him. Your eyes are tearing up, but otherwise you look unperturbed. You flatten your tongue on the underside of his dick, tracing the vein there as you slowly come up for air. You swallow the mix of saliva and pre-cum in your mouth, licking your lips like you’ve just had a 5-star meal. You look absolutely debauched, though Jungkook knows he’s probably not doing much better.

“No gag reflex. It’s fine,” you shrug, as if you’d just told him about the weather. Your voice sounds hoarse, roughened by the assault of his dick on your throat. “Are you close?”

Jungkook doesn’t want to admit it, but– “Yes,” he says. He’s breathing like he’s just run a marathon, sweat dripping down his neck. You observe it drip down his body, as it curves down his neck and to his chest.

“You aren’t coming until I say so, got it?” You warn. He nods, cock twitching in desperation for your mouth to continue what it was doing.

But instead, you reach back to your bed, and Jungkook finally notices the tape measure that you’d left there. Oh right. Jungkook is brought back to reality, suddenly remembering why he’d gone here in the first place.

“This will only take a second, baby,” you whisper lowly, and Jungkook’s conscience is shot out of his head once more. Call him baby one more time, and Jungkook is sure to bust his load. He’s worried he might gain a Pavlovian response to the word; getting hard every time someone so much as utters “baby” for whatever reason.

You unravel the measuring tape, placing the end of it near the base of his member. You drag it over his length, whistling in awe as the number keeps growing and growing. “Shit, you really are huge,” you gasp in amazement, peering closely at the measurement to make sure you aren’t reading it wrong. “Nearly nine inches. Are you insane?”

Jungkook chuckles in embarrassment, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s… nothing?”

You snort, shaking your head at the pure audacity of this boy in front of you. “No need to humblebrag, baby. Unless you want me to degrade you, then stop being coy with me.”

At the word “degrade,” Jungkook’s erection twitches with interest. Of course, you notice. “Oh? You want me to degrade you?”

Jungkook’s face heats up, forever astonished by your brazenness. “N-no! That’s not what I–”

“You want me to call your cock pathetic, huh? Is that what you want?”

Jungkook whines, shifting from foot to foot as he tries to avoid your lustful gaze. “I…”

“Want me to call you names, huh? Took your cock so long to get hard, struggled so much to get it up. What a useless dick that you have…” you trail off, covering your mouth behind your hand to hide your grin.

Jungkook feels like he’s about to fall over. The pressure in between his legs is reaching his breaking point, and Jungkook really doesn’t want to embarrass himself by coming untouched. He has a sinking suspicion you’d enjoy it if he did, however.

Your hand slides back to his crotch, cupping his erection once more. You run your palm along him once, enjoying the way his breath hitches. He’s undeniably close and it fills you with pride knowing that you did this to him. “You’re close.” You say it like a fact.

Jungkook squirms. “Please… Faster… I’m so close, Y/N. Just a lil bit more, please…”

“I love it when you beg,” you laugh, sounding a little mean. “But since you’ve been nice all this time, I’ll let you.”

Your hands speed up, twisting and pulling him in ways that Jungkook isn’t sure are possible. He’s full-on panting like a fucking dog right now, humping shallowly into your hand like he’s lost his mind. He’s so unbelievably close, the heat in his stomach climbing higher and higher until––

“SHIT! Y/N!”

You stop, confused. That shout didn’t sound like Jungkook. You turn to your closed door, ears straining for the sound again. “Yoongi?” you call out. “Did you say something?”

Muffled footsteps come rushing closer. Your doorknob jiggles, but Jungkook had thankfully locked it when he’d come into the room earlier. Yoongi huffs from behind the door, banging loudly on the frame. “Y/N! Help! I fucking dropped the cheesecake!”

“He dropped the cheesecake,” you repeat dully to yourself. You share a look with Jungkook. The banging doesn’t stop.

“Y/N PLEASEEE THE KITCHEN IS A MESS!” Yoongi screams, uncaring of whatever he was interrupting. “YOU OWE ME! I PAID FOR YOUR RENT LAST MONTH SO YOU GOTTA HELP!”

“I hate that bastard,” you sigh, defeated. You let go of Jungkook reluctantly, giving him an apologetic look. Jungkook wants to cry. “I’m… really sorry for leaving you again like this. I…” you hesitate, looking at the door then back to him. “I do kind of owe him, so…”

Jungkook exhales shakily, bending down to the floor to pick his shirt up. He dresses quietly, cheeks burning. Why must you keep torturing him like this? He thinks his balls might explode at this point. “It’s no problem… I’ll just take care of myself at home.”

You peer at him, feeling incredibly guilty. “I have a connecting bathroom. You could use it if you want?”

“That’d be great, thanks.” Jungkook says before hurriedly rushing out of there. He refuses to look at you as he slams the bathroom door shut, breathing slowly through his nostrils in an attempt to calm himself. He waits as he listens for you to leave before his hands scramble back onto his dick, loudly crying out as he tugs himself to completion.

His legs give out from under him as he slides down to the floor, spurts of hot cum flying past his fist. Wave after wave of pleasure tingles down his spine as he slides up and down his cock. After his dick shoots its last droplet of cum, Jungkook slams his head against your bathroom wall. He’s exhausted.

He closes his eyes, thinks about how his life has led him up to this moment. Jizzing in some near stranger’s home while one of his best friends cleans up his fallen cheesecake.

“Jesus fucking Christ I hate it here,” he says. He gets up unsteadily, washing his hands of his mess.

x x x x x

Fully dressed and unsatisfyingly sated, Jungkook exits your bathroom with a flush down his neck. He keeps his eyes averted from you, but not before glaring heatedly at Yoongi as he turns to leave. Yoongi cocks his head to the side, annoyingly unaware of what he had done.

“You okay, dude? You look like a bull ready to pummel me,” Yoongi snickers, bemused by Jungkook’s flared nostrils. “Seriously. You okay?”

You slap Yoongi on the thigh, huffing angrily as you stay squatted on the floor, your other hand busy wiping off the cheesecake from the floor with a paper towel. “Shut up. You’ve done enough shitheadery today.”

Yoongi looks at the mounted clock on your fridge. “It’s only 7PM. My shitheadery doesn’t clock out until 10PM today.”

Rolling his eyes, Jungkook waves his goodbye. “Well. I guess I’ll see you guys,” he murmurs, inching closer to the door. He walks out in silence, no longer bothering to hide his pouting. He takes the elevator down, ruminating on his existence. When he reaches the ground floor, his phone immediately dings with a notification.

from: y/n l/n ❣️ hey. please don’t hate me. i’m really sorry. raincheck?

Jungkook snorts, stopping in his tracks. It’s always just rainchecks with you. He types up a quick response.

from: jjk it’s not your fault. it’s fine.

from: y/n l/n ❣️ you sure? you got off well by yourself at least, right?

from: jjk yeah. don’t worry about it.

from: y/n l/n ❣️ if you’re down… i could help you through the phone? when you get home? :( i just feel really bad. like, genuinely. yoongi is an asshole.

The offer sounds interesting, but sadly, Jungkook is out of juice for the day. He’s got a lot of stamina for many things, but it turns out he’s out of practice when it comes to his own dick.

from: jjk nah it’s fine. thanks though.

from: y/n l/n ❣️ i hope you’re still down for the contest? doyoung texted me while we were busy a while ago and said that they were free tomorrow after 12?

from: jjk no worries. i’ll be there.

from: y/n l/n ❣️ <3 ty you’re the best!! <3

He groans, slapping himself in the face. God, he is so fucking whipped.

x x x x x

The next day, Jungkook wakes up with a burning headache. He feels hungover even though he didn’t drink at all the night before, and Jungkook wonders if his brain had somehow deflated overnight with how hollow he feels. He grabs his phone from his bed stand, sees a new text from you reminding him of what he’d promised.

You had sent him an address to another apartment complex just a few bus stops away from where he lives and he assumes this must be either Doyoung’s or Taeyong’s place. He shuts his eyes for another few moments, trying his best to remember how to live.

It’s already nearing noon, so he needs to get going if he doesn’t want to be late. He shudders to think what you might do if he ghosts you. Despite how guilty you were yesterday for leaving him mid-nut, he doesn’t think that debt will cover him if he chooses not to show up to the dick-measuring contest.

On the bus, he fidgets in his seat, picking at the rips in his jeans and doing anything to keep his mind busy. He keeps thinking that someone knows what he’s up to, paranoia eating him from the inside out as he darts his eyes left and right, hoping no one can actually read minds. The bus is relatively empty, with only him and an elderly couple sitting near the front. They seem none the wiser, though Jungkook fears what they would think if they knew what he was up to.

He almost wishes he was wearing Seokjin’s thot shorts, as the skimpy excuse of clothing had somehow given him some sort of confidence the day before. Gone is that false sense of (misplaced) bravado; instead, Jungkook is filled with anxiety at the prospect of showing a couple of strangers his dick.

(A fairly human response, but that doesn’t help Jungkook’s current case.)

He arrives at the apartment complex in record time, and he sees you standing by the entrance. You look well-rested, your hands fiddling with your phone. Jungkook has only ever seen you when you were wearing that revealing dress from the club and your pajamas from your home, so he’s kind of shocked to see you look cute in your simple white dress and jean jacket. Not that you didn’t look good those other times, but seeing you look like a normal university student is astonishing, for lack of better word.

You almost look like a regular girl just waiting for her date to pick her up.

“Hey!” You greet him cheerily when you see him approach, waving at him. He waves back, the apples of his cheeks dusted pink from his previous thoughts. She’s not your date, you weirdo. Wait, she’s the weirdo. Get it together man! This shit is fucked up.

“This is their place, I assume?” Jungkook asks, looking at the building. It appears almost identical to your own apartment complex, minus the mini water fountain at the front. Ah, the wonders of living in a concrete jungle.

“Yep,” you nod. You start walking towards the entrance, with Jungkook following closely. “You ready? God, I can’t wait to see Doyoung’s stupid face. He’s gonna be so pissed!”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Jungkook mutters, vibrating with nerves.

You both make your way to the apartment, with you humming quietly while he sweats profusely beside you. At least one of you is having fun, he thinks grimly to himself. You reach apartment 322, knocking three times before a boy with neat black hair opens the door.

“Y/N! Good to see you,” the boy says, reaching for a hug. You hug him back enthusiastically, ignoring Jungkook’s bemused stares. If this boy is either Doyoung or Taeyong, aren’t you supposed to… hate both of their guts? Or at least, not be friends? What even is going on?

When you step back, you point at Jungkook offhandedly. “Oh yeah, this is Jungkook. The guy I’m dating.”

Jungkook nearly chokes on his own spit, but luckily the boy doesn’t notice. Right… You guys are supposed to be dating. It’s not real, though. Get a grip! “Hi, I’m Jungkook,” he wheezes, shaking the other guy’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you…”

“I’m Doyoung,” he introduces himself, a small smile on his lips. “Nice to meet you too. I’ve heard… a lot about you, so to speak.”

Jungkook squeaks, earning a chuckle from Doyoung. “No need to be embarrassed. I think we’re way past that point now. Sorry for roping you into this, by the way. But when Y/N wants to fight, well… Let’s just say I’m not going to be the first one who backs down.”

“Says the dude who couldn’t even beat me at arm wrestling,” you snort, pushing past Doyoung and walking into his home. Doyoung rolls his eyes, gesturing for Jungkook to come in.

“Props to you for dating her, by the way. I’ve been friends with that demon since elementary school, so I know what she’s like. You must be a guy with strong willpower,” Doyoung says.

“I’m… Sorry for saying this, but I’m kind of confused? I didn’t know you guys were friends,” Jungkook says, examining Doyoung’s apartment. It’s a lot bigger than yours, though he does recall you saying that Doyoung was filthy rich. It’s a lot more modern looking for sure, as Jungkook can see that Doyoung has two industrial-sized refrigerators in his kitchen. What kind of university student needs two industrial-sized refrigerators?

“Yeah, we are. She actually only dated Taeyong because she knew we both liked each other but I was too stubborn to make a move, so she did the only thing she knew how to do: be an asshole,” he explains simply. Jungkook nods, needing no further clarification.

“Jungkook! Come with me,” you pop out from one of the doorways deeper in the apartment, beckoning him closer. You point at Doyoung, “And you. Get Taeyong ready. I’m gonna need a few minutes to get Jungkook in tip-top shape!”

Doyoung chuckles, shoving Jungkook towards you. “Well, that’s my cue. I’ll introduce you to Taeyong later, I guess. He’s in my bedroom, so we’ll come out in about 20 minutes? That should be enough time, right?”

Yeah. Right. Jungkook walks numbly towards you, arms rigged by his sides as you pull him into Doyoung’s spare bathroom. You lock the door close, whirling around to face him with your hands on your hips. You’ve rolled your sleeves up, appearing like a demented surgeon preparing to dissect him. “Well! Strip!”

Jungkook is clumsy when he unbuttons his jeans, his entire body feeling like it’s being weighed down by pounds of lead. He shucks them off, leaving him in his boxers (thankfully, with no holes in them. He made sure to double-check before he left this morning.) You appraise him silently, thinking of what to do next.

Before Jungkook can say anything, your hands are already on his chest, pointer fingers placed near his nipples. His piercings are visible through his thin shirt, much to your appreciation. You circle them lazily, much like how you did yesterday.

Jungkook can’t relax long enough to enjoy it, however. His shoulders are tense, fists clenched behind his back. He’s trying to stop thinking about what’s going to happen, trying to enjoy your touch. He grits his teeth, swallowing thickly.

“I… I can’t do this, Y/N.” he mumbles. “I don’t think I can get hard. I’m too nervous.”

You pause in your movements. “You’re nervous?” you purr, voice lowering. Jungkook stops fidgeting to stare at you, sensing the shift in your demeanor. “How can I alleviate that, hmm?”

“What?”

You pinch his nipples, hard. He gasps, whimpering right after from the jolt of pain. “I think I know how to calm you down,” you murmur, staring him down like he’s nothing more than a delicious snack.

“You want me to hurt you, huh? Is that it? Answer me, slut.” You say those words, but there’s a small bit of hesitation in your expression, like you’re worried if he truly likes it. When he nods enthusiastically, urging you to go on, you smile softly at him. His heart hammers in his chest, a small case of butterflies beginning to erupt there. You look kinda cute, even if you have his nipples in a twist.

“If it’s too much, just say ‘dumbo’ and I’ll stop, okay?” Jungkook nods once more, eager to get going.

You smirk, letting go of his nipples and gripping his hips instead. Your thumbs stay innocently above his boxers. “Do you like it when I call you names too, huh? You like being pinched and prodded?”

Jungkook whines, already turning needy. The anxiety from a while ago slowly drains away, leaving only lust to cloud his mind. “N-no, I just…”

“No?” You laugh, your thumbs catching on the garter of his boxers and pulling them down until the tip of his cock peeks out, already in the midst of getting hard. “Then what’s this?”

“Nggh…” Jungkook can’t say anything, can only stare helplessly at you.

“Pathetic. You have a nine-inch cock but it’s good for nothing except earning me a bit of money. Shame, isn’t it? Would be nice if you knew how to use it, then maybe I’d let you fuck me,” you say, edging closer to him until your lips find his exposed collarbones. You suck harshly, giddy when color immediately blooms at the spot. You thread your fingers into his dark, fluffy hair – and tug.

It’s too much all at once – Jungkook isn’t ready for any of it at all. He’s panting, whining, drooling a little. He shimmies his hips a little, his boxers sliding down his thighs and onto the marble floor. His cock springs free, already dripping pre-cum but still only half-hard.

“Ah, there it is. Your big useless cock. My, my… Already dirtying Doyoungie’s floor with your slick, huh? You gonna make the floor wet, baby?”

Jungkook garbles something; did he say something? Who knows. All he knows right now is that 1) you’re making him lose his marbles and 2) he’s embarrassingly close. He’s never gotten this hard so fast in his entire life, and he might be suffering from blood loss or something. His head feels light, like he’s floating. His entire body is thrumming, senses filled with nothing but you.

You gently lead him closer to the bathtub where you sit, still paying no attention to his weeping arousal. Your mouth is dangerously close to it though, but you make no move to hold him in your mouth. Instead, you hike your skirt up until it reaches your waist, revealing your white panties. Jungkook zeroes in on the darkening patch, a shuddering breath leaving his lungs. He’s screwed.

“Show me how you pleasured yourself yesterday, when you were in my bathroom,” you say, caressing the front of your panties. You grind against your palm, eyelashes fluttering as your jaw drops into an ‘o’. You exhale through your nose, laughing breathily. “If you do well, then maybe I’ll show you what I did when you left, hmm?”

Jungkook has never moved faster in his life than he did then. He takes his erection into his hands, sighing with relief when he begins to pump. He moves slower than he usually would, unwilling to finish so soon after getting this far. He’s already wound up from your teasing (and if you count the past few days, then let’s say he’s been edged long enough.)

You study him with sharp eyes, focusing on the movement of his hands. “That’s it. It must be easy jerking off with how wet you are, huh?”

“Y-yeah.” Jungkook speeds up, flicking his wrist and focusing on the sensitive tip of his cock. His attention is pulled when he sees you shift from the corner of his eye. His grip stutters when you push your panties to the side, giving him a full view of your glistening core. He licks his lips, aching to put his mouth there but only if you’d allow him.

“Why’d you stop?” You stretch your leg out, using your foot to urge his wrist to keep moving. “Come on. I want to see you.”

You circle your clit leisurely before dipping your fingers into your pussy two fingers at a time, wet enough for the slide to be smooth. Jungkook quickens his pace, wanting to match your speed. He watches, mesmerized, at the sight of your fingers pushing in and out.

The obscene sounds coming from the both of you is loud enough to mask Jungkook’s desperate mewls. He’s going faster now, wanting nothing more than to cum all over you and your pussy. You’d look good in his cum, the pearly droplets would look good in contrast with your perfect skin.

Your thighs are shaking, your own breathing shallow as you quickly approach your end. You’re moaning in tandem with him, your arousal coating your fingers generously as it begins to run down the back of your hand. You’re scissoring yourself, but it’s barely enough when you compare it to Jungkook’s cock. No, nothing would be enough to prepare you to take him. He’d ruin you, and the thought of him breaking you is enough to help you tip over the edge.

“Fuuuuuuck,” you moan, eyes screwing shut as you are wrought with the strongest orgasm of your life. More wetness drips out of you as you rub frantically at your clit, riding your high. You look at Jungkook through your eyelashes, lips parted. “Fuck,” you repeat.

Jungkook can’t hold back anymore. He knows he shouldn’t cum but the pleasure is skyrocketing at an unparalleled speed. His balls tighten, the heat in his abdomen building until he can’t hold back even if he tried. He shudders once, twice, before jets of his cum spills from over his fist, some of the droplets making their way onto your thighs. He moans at the sight, doesn’t try to change his trajectory as his mind is completely hazed with lust. “Shit, I’m–” Jungkook grinds one last time into his hand, before promptly slumping down onto the floor.

“Jesus, that was a lot of cum,” he hears you say, but he can’t bring himself to look at you. He’s ashamed, having cummed without your permission. He can feel his dick softening underneath him, and he dimly remembers that hadn’t been the plan at all. He was supposed to get hard, have his dick measured, and then finish if he was allowed. And now, he ruined everything because he couldn’t hold himself back.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” he mutters quietly, hiding behind his cum-stained hands. He cringes when the mess enters his eyes, wiping his palm somewhere on his leg. “Fuck. I messed everything up. You were just… It was too much… You…”

“Should’ve used your safety word, Jungkook.”

“It wasn’t because it was bad,” Jungkook’s cheeks flush, “It was… too good.”

You kneel beside him, cradling his chin and forcing him to look at you. He had been afraid to see disappointment in your eyes, so he’s absolutely surprised to see you look… amused. You’re even giggling a little.

“Sorry. I went a bit overboard. Even I get horny sometimes,” you shrug, wiping a bit of cum away from his forehead. Your own fingers are slick with your own cum, so really, you were just making a bigger mess of his face. Jungkook can’t say he’s opposed to a little mess. “You just looked so good that I couldn’t help myself.”

“You… enjoyed yourself, too? I’m not insane for thinking there’s something between us?”

“Honestly, you’re at least a little bit insane,” you laugh at his dumbfounded expression. “What? I’m cuckoo, and you know it. The fact that you got turned on by me even after all I’d done to you… Really puts you into perspective, huh?”

Jungkook grumbles, but he’s no longer frowning. “I guess. My friends tell me I have a type, and I guess you fit the bill.”

You laugh wholeheartedly at that, and it brings a smile to Jungkook’s face. He likes it when you laugh, he decides. “Same here. I guess you’re my type, too.”

You peer down at his flaccid dick. “Too bad about your meat flute, though. Unless you can get it back up in the next 2 minutes, then I don’t think you’re getting that three grand.”

“Please don’t call my dick that,” Jungkook says before shrugging his shoulders. “And it’s no worries. I had the biggest nut of my life and that’s good enough to me. Plus, you said you’d give me one thousand dollars if I agreed to help you out, so you better not back out on that.”

You snigger, patting him gently on the shoulder. “Yeah, whatever. But not before we get out of here and you fuck my brains out, got it? You need to work for it, baby.”

Is it bad that his cock was already beginning to stir once more? Unprecedented, as it usually took Jungkook ages to get back up. Maybe you really were the one for him.

“Deal. Let’s get out of here?”

When the two of you finish getting cleaned up and leave the bathroom with no evidence that you had even been there, Doyoung doesn’t even bat an eye as you walk past him, eager to get out of the door. Taeyong is lounging on the couch with his dick… mysteriously still in his pants, as if he had no intention of taking them off in the first place.

“Sorry, we need to leave. There’s an emergency we have to attend to. See you, Doyoungie!” You tug Jungkook along, who waves his own hasty goodbye.

The door clicks shut, leaving the couple alone once more. Taeyong grins up at Doyoung, “You really are amazing, Doyoung. How’d you know she’d end up with him?”

Doyoung flicks open his phone, showing Taeyong his text messages with none other than Kim Seokjin himself. “All according to keikaku, my love. Kim Seokjin always wins.”

[threecrowsinatrenchcoat]

Paint My Spirit Gold

Dukeceit Week Day 2: Green/Yellow

Fans of the YouTubers "Deceit" and Remus "The Duke" Sanders start to suspect that maybe, just maybe, the two of them are more than simple internet pals.

AO3 Link: [here]

Word Count: 2187

Warnings: n/a

@dukeceitweek <3

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It features a watercolor-style painting of a snake. The snake appears to be made of melting chocolate, and there is a large bite taken out of its tail. Cherries and jam are leaking out of the snake at the bite wound. The snake's expression of horror is overly-exaggerated to the point of comedy. The caption reads: "liked your snake boi, @SerpenThyme. thanks for the inspo." /end ID]

- 

A notification ding cut Janus off mid-sentence. 

“Wow, someone left their cell phone on, so professional,” he said, giving the camera a dramatic eye roll. That someone was him, of course, because he was the only one in the apartment- just him and the running livestream- but that was no excuse not to be a drama queen about it. He finished wiping flour off his hands and grabbed his phone to silence it; but the notification made him pause. He flicked his eyes up toward the camera and gave a slight smirk.

“My goodness, I’m famous,” he drawled. “The Duke himself has graced little old me with some fan art.”

Most of the comments in the chat wanted him to show it, so Janus opened up Twitter to see the full post he’d been tagged in. It was a watercolor painting of the coiled-snake chocolate sculpture- lovingly named Jake by his viewers- he’d made for his YouTube video last week; it was wearing an expression of such comedic horror that Janus had to stifle a laugh. He flicked his phone screen toward the close-up camera on his counter so his viewers could see.

“How kind of you, Remus,” he said. “All of you should go scold him for what he’s done to poor Jake here.”

Most of his viewers would know he was joking- after all, they were the ones to nickname him Deceit when he provided neither a real or fake name for his online persona. They knew full well what he was like by now.

The oven timer dinged. Janus silenced his phone and set it aside.

“And our first batch of cookies is done. You know, why don’t we show the Duke some appreciation?”

-

[ID: An Instagram post by user @SerpenThyme. The photo is an artistically-framed shot of a stack of sugar cookies with green, yellow, and pink icing. Propped up against the stack is another cookie, with an intricate icing-drawing of an octopus. The photo appears to have been color corrected to have high contrast, low saturation, and a dark vignette at the edges. The Instagram user @OctoDukie is tagged. No caption. /end ID]

- 

“You know, I have often been accused of actually being a little old lady, what with my fondness for knitted jumpers, rocking chairs, and incredibly fucked up murder mystery books. Today I am doing nothing to dispel this accusation, by making soup.”

The studio was dark and empty aside from Remus' workspace. Everyone else had left long ago, even his own brother, which meant that it was officially ass-o'clock in the morning (or, as most people called it, somewhere between 1 and 2 a.m.) But Remus was stuck in hyperfocus, honed in on putting the last touches on a commission that he'd been putting off for weeks. It's not that it was a tough painting- once he'd gotten started, it was actually a very creatively satisfying piece- but man, executive dysfunction could go suck a dick

“French onion soup, specifically. Because while I do like to pretend I am a classy bitch, I am also, regrettably, a lazy bitch with a distaste for anything that takes longer than one bottle of wine to make.”

Remus hated working in silence. It was stifling, almost suffocating. His brain needed noise like his lungs needed air. So when the studio had grown still and silent, Remus had flipped open his laptop and queued up some YouTube videos. 

“So we have here three pounds of onions that we need to slice up, pole to pole. You’re going to cry no matter what, so if you have any memories you’ve been repressing since middle school, now is an excellent time to dredge those up.” 

And if it happened to be 90% SerpenThyme videos, well. Sue him. 

“Now the first rule of caramelizing onions: fast and sloppy is always better than slow and thorough… at least, that’s what every man I’ve ever slept with tells me.”

Remus choked and glanced over to his laptop screen just in time to catch Deceit's trademark smirk directed at the audience just for a moment. It was the deadpan delivery that always got him. Remus could barely hold onto a joke long enough to get through it without cackling mid-punchline, but this fucker could say the funniest shit like an off-hand comment. 

He wiped his hands off on his jeans (what use were clothes if you couldn't use them as paint rags?) and pulled his laptop across the table.  He typed out a quick comment, citing the timestamp of the joke, and after it was posted, he shut his laptop. 

'Cause ass-o'clock was short for "get-your-ass-home-or-I’ll-kick-it" o'clock. 

-

[ID: A screenshot of a YouTube comments section. The first comment is by user TheDuke, and reads: "10:42 wow, rude." The second comment is a reply by user SerpenThyme, and simply reads ";)" /end ID]

-

Janus plopped down on the couch with a slight groan. He didn’t need to stream today, but he really hated missing days. Besides… he was fine. Really. 

He adjusted the camera until he was happy with the framing, and then checked the settings on his streaming software. Satisfied, he started the stream, and watched as his usual viewers rolled in. 

“What do you mean I’m not in my kitchen?” Janus drawled, addressing the chat. He glanced around with an expression of faux-shock on his face. “My goodness, when did that happen?”

He chuckled, and then gestured to his surroundings. “Yes, we are in my living room today. If you must know, my closest and most trusted friend tried to murder me today- yes, Virgil, it was attempted murder and nothing less- and I survived with nary a scratch… and a broken foot, but that is beside the point. Anyway, I’m not allowed to stand for long periods of time, and I may or may not be somewhat inebriated by pain pills and couldn’t stand even if I wanted to. So we are cooking from my couch today.”

Janus paused for a few moments to read the chat messages as they popped up. A few get well soon’s, a few theories about the “attempted murder,” Virgil- who moderated his chat for him- vehemently denying the “attempted murder” but otherwise refusing to clarify the event, and a large volume of wtf why are you streaming today, take care of yourself comments, which made him smile. But one particular comment caught his eye, almost lost amid the torrent of an active chat: wait this kinda looks like the Duke’s living room?

“Oh, VampSuga,” he said, addressing that commenter in particular with a slight smirk. “I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, since I can’t reach my oven from here, I thought some no-bake cookies were in order. For these you will need-”

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Discord conversation. The text reads:

“VampSuga: Ok ok hear me out. Dukeceit. 

Starstruck96: who?

IneffableSnek: lmao

FeralBeauYasha: lol

VampSuga: Deceit and Remus Sanders! They’re totally dating. I will die on this hill. 

FeralBeauYasha: Isn’t the duke w/ PatPat?

IneffableSnek: no thats his brothers bf

FeralBeauYasha: ohh

VampSuga: Did anyone see Deceit’s stream today? I swear that’s the Duke’s livingroom. 

StarStruck96: idk that seems like a stretch

IneffableSnek: no wait i kno what u mean

IneffableSnek: im watching the duke’s old videos and that one where he shows off all his old weapons he’s in a living room kinda like deceit’s 

FeralBeauYasha: They were acting all cute on twitter too

VampSuga: DUKECEIT”  /end ID]

-

"Hey guys, been a while since you've seen my face and not just whatever my hands are busy with, when it's within YouTube's terms and conditions I mean. They used to be way more lenient…" Remus trailed off for a moment, then shook his head sharply and plastered on a grin. 

"Anyway! In June me and a few other creators did a fundraiser for the Trevor Project, and y'all smashed the goal, so I let you decide what video I'd make this month." He paused, and gestured to the mountain of clothes piled behind him on the bed. "And you had so many juicy ideas to choose from, but you decided to dress me up like a Barbie instead."

Remus paused to scroll through his phone for a few moments. "Ah, ok, here we go. Twitter user YoonIsMyCat- oh, BTS, nice- sent in this first outfit. Uh… future Remus, put up the post here somewhere." He gestured vaguely to his right. "Y'all went with either a fuckton more clothes or a fuckton less clothes, which I respect. Apparently this outfit is called…” He squinted at his phone. “Amish chic? I take it back, no respect at all.”

Remus cycled through the outfits his viewers sent in, which ranged from the aforementioned “Amish chic” to “2008 rave attire” to “ok now you guys are just fucking with me” (which consisted of one of those big puffy snow coats, lime green in color; booty shorts with the shrug text emoji across the ass; fuzzy pink boots; and a yellow cowboy hat to top off the whole thing. It was awful. Remus loved it.) The mountain of clothes on the bed gradually became a mess of clothes spread across the floor instead, until there was just one outfit left. 

“Ok so Twitter user VampSuga sent me this outfit that I’m gonna call ‘sexy librarian.’ I couldn’t find this exact sweater online, but-” he paused for dramatic effect, before brandishing a sweater toward the camera like a bullfighter. “My boyfriend had something that was close enough.”

Remus hopped up from the bed and switched off the camera so he could change.

“They’re going to lose their minds,” a voice drawled from the doorway. Remus threw his shirt at him.

“Shoo, I’m getting naked.”

-

[ID: A Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It features a selfie of YouTuber Remus “The Duke” Sanders, a Hispanic man with his hair dyed green and styled into a spiked mohawk. He is wearing a yellow knitted cardigan over a black button-up shirt. He is grinning widely at the camera. The caption reads: “my viewers pick my outfits! now live on youtube. go see what i look like as a sexy librarian!” /end ID]

-

DukeceitStan

first and only dukeceit shipper ig

DukeceitStan

wow there’s so many of you now! Hi!!

DukeceitStan

i want this to be canon so bad omg

DukeceitStan

i mean just look

[image]

how 

[image]

cute

[image]

[ID: A series of three gifs featuring Youtubers SerpenThyme, aka Deceit, and TheDuke, aka Remus Sanders. Deceit is a black man with long, dreadlocked hair, and vitiligo patches along the left side of his face. Remus is a Hispanic man with green-dyed hair styled into a mohawk, many ear and facial piercings, and tattoos covering both arms. Each gif is edited so that the highlights are tinged yellow when Deceit is seen, and tinged green when Remus is seen.

The first gif depicts a close-up shot of Deceit’s hands as he carefully decorates a cookie with green and yellow icing. The cookie art he is working on appears to be a half-finished octopus. The gif then fades into a mid-shot of Remus, with his back to the camera, facing a canvas. The canvas is blank, and Remus appears to be laying out paints on a table to his left. 

The second gif depicts Deceit seated at his couch, facing the camera. He has many ingredients spread across his coffee table (including oats, cocoa powder, and butter) and appears to be in the process of laying out several more. The gif fades to show Remus seated at a similar couch with a similar coffee table in front of him. The camera is angled slightly downward to better show the myriad of knives spread out across the table. Remus is gesturing wildly with a morning star held in his hand. 

The third gif depicts Deceit in his kitchen. He is pulling on a bright, yellow knitted cardigan, and smirking toward the camera. The gif fades to show Remus in his bedroom, seated on his bed. He is holding up a similar-looking cardigan toward the camera and grinning. /end ID]

- 

“Remus, it’s almost two in the morning. Come to bed.”

“I’m coming, sorry. Twitter distracted me.”

“Mm. I can’t believe the bird app is more distracting than I am.”

“You should try harder.”

“Come to bed and maybe I will.”

“Ok, ok, I’m coming. Hang on though, is it cool if I post this?”

“Sure. They figured it out anyway.”

“Sweet. Ok, Jannie, I’m coming.”

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It reads: “Dukeceit is canon.” /end ID] 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 261: Wakey Wakey

Previously on BnHA: The heroes decided that the only way to beat the villains was with an insane winner-takes-all gambit involving two simultaneous attacks, one on the Pliff base in Gunga Mountain, and the other on a quaint little hospital in Jakku that just so happens to be where Ujiko is keeping his Noumuraki in cold storage along with all his other evil science junk. We still don’t know what the fuck is going on in Gunga, but over in Jakku things are shockingly not really going according to plan! First Ujiko was stabbed by a Noumu space slug and melted away into nothing because HE’S A FAAAAAAAKE. Then a bunch of other Noumu came running out of the morgue to distract everyone while the real Ujiko scuttled about his lab in a panic in his lab and literally called the heroes “THOSE MEDDLESOME HEROES” because he is literally a cartoon villain, only with the evilness cranked up to 11. Thankfully before he could warp away and escape, Miruko, a.k.a. the queen of this entire arc, busted down the door and crushed John-chan like a bug (RIP JOHN-CHAN) and took hold of my heart and was all “THIS IS MINE NOW” and I was like “okay” and now she’s gonna kick Ujiko’s ass????! Or so we can hope anyway?

Today on BnHA: Well Miruko almost kicks Ujiko’s ass, and he almost doesn’t manage to punch in the activation code for his High End Noumus, and we almost manage to be spared the chaotic scene where they all come to life and wreak havoc. But unfortunately “almost” is as close as we get, mainly because every single other character decides to hang back in the hospital entrance fighting a bunch of nobodies rather than bothering to help Miruko out. Everyone that is, except Crust, who provides some assistance by (a) not mentioning to anyone how there’s a whole other tunnel that leads out of the lab and goes DIRECTLY OUTSIDE TO WHERE MY CHILDREN PRESUMABLY ARE, and (b) arriving at the lab and then not really doing anything else at all except shouting a bit. So apparently this is what we’re working with. Thankfully Miruko is somehow still alive, because it looks like she’s about to have to fight these guys pretty much on her own. Unfortunately Ujiko takes advantage of all the chaos to abscond the fuck out of there. And so the chapter leaves off with one of those “record scratch, freeze frame, yep that’s me you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation” moments. Fun times.

so Ujiko got a new name last week; he is now Garaki Kyuudai. you can read all about the meaning of the name on Caleb’s twitter if you feel so inclined. so we are now moving on, and we’ll see how many times I forget this new name and have to go back and look it up (ETA: at least twice so far)

so hopefully today will be the day when we finally discover just how and why everything is going to go terribly wrong, because it’s getting stressful bracing myself for that shoe to drop every damn week. if you’re going to put my kids in terrible danger than GO AHEAD AND PUT THEM IN DANGER ALREADY THEN. please. I can’t go on like this

holy shit you guys

see, now this is the kind of fanservice I can get behind. too bad I can’t really focus on that at all right now because

well then. it’s only the thing I’ve been simultaneously anticipating and dreading ever since the start of the My Villain Academia arc! don’t mind me guys. I’m just gonna. sit here nearly frozen but also kind of vibrating/pulsing ever so slightly

OH NO MIRUKO WHAT DID YOU DO

holy shit you guys. I RECOGNIZE THAT BIG BLACK DOOR FROM BACK IN MY KHR DAYS. ONLY BACK THEN IT WASN’T A DOOR AT ALL, BUT A WALL. A GLORIOUS AND TERRIBLE WALL WHICH SINGLEHANDEDLY BROUGHT ONE OF THE STRONGEST CHARACTERS TO HIS KNEES DURING A DO-OR-DIE “HEROES INVADE THE VILLAINS’ LAIR” ARC VERY MUCH LIKE THIS. oh my god. and now he has returned, after all these years, to once again fuck up the heroes’ plans at a critical and devastating moment. curse you wall

also did we really need to see this

Horikoshi: “you know what I haven’t drawn yet that I’d really like to draw. brains. just some brains splattered around all messily. children love that almost as much as they love dead dogs”

ffsdsdlfkjl YOU KNOW WHAT WE ALSO DIDN’T NEED TO SEE, HOLY CHRIST

A FLASHBACK TO UJIKO “COMFORTING” A BLOODIED JOHN-CHAN AFTER A SUCCESSFUL TEST RUN OF HIS NOUMU CAPABILITIES, OR WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS. DID YOU GUYS ASK FOR THIS? I SURE AS HELL DIDN’T. I HAVE NO REAL WAY OF KNOWING THIS FOR SURE, BUT I’M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE THIS. LIKE, I CAN’T SAY THAT WITH CERTAINTY, BUT ACTUALLY I CAN THOUGH

ugh. anyway. “just Noumu Arc things,” Horikoshi says with a shrug. listen you son of a --

meanwhile if Ujiko gets all angry and tearfully sics all of the High Ends on Miruko in his rage, I will... actually I’ll sit here not being even remotely surprised at all, but still freaking out though. damn it, this is why I need that freaking shoe to drop already like I said. that thing is just sitting there like a loose snack in a malfunctioning vending machine and I’m standing here cursing and thumping on the glass and asking if anybody has a quarter

GODDAMMIT I DON’T NEED TO HEAR HIS FUCKING EULOGY FOR HIS PET MONSTER WHICH USED TO BE AN INNOCENT LITTLE CHILD UNTIL HE MAIMED AND TORTURED THE HUMANITY OUT OF IT

is that freaking All for One in the top right panel. YOU’RE ON MY SHITLIST TOO MISTER

looooooooool :’)

lol I think we finally got that shoe loose folks. sob. go ahead and activate them you crusty old fuck

also are these things in the little tubes... quirks??? like what the hell

so now Ujiko’s screaming (I guess if he’s upset we can take that as a good sign?), and meanwhile Miruko is all

still smiling even now. god how I love her. “I’LL FIND OUT IF I KICK HIM” GOD MIRUKO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE. IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A FEMALE HIMBO. LIKE WITH LESS PEJORATIVE CONNOTATIONS THAN THE ORIGINAL “BIMBO” AND WITH MORE OF A “SOMEONE WHO’S REALLY HOT AND COULD CRUSH YOU WITH HER PINKY AND IS ALSO A FEW ICE BRICKS SHORT OF AN IGLOO” KIND OF VIBE TO IT. HERBO??? OR WHAT ABOUT... SHIMBO

anyway Endeavor is all “catch him” which is some great fucking advice coming from someone that hasn’t even made it inside the morgue entrance yet. what fucking good are you. at least he fried the space slug

but unfortunately that hasn’t quite solved all their problems yet

honestly though, he should still go after her. like, screw all the rest of this. get your priorities in order!! she just said there were a ton of REALLY STRONG-LOOKING!! Noumus over there too, and meanwhile she’s the only one there because none of these other dinguses seem to realize that if you want to stop the fucking Noumus you need to stop the guy in charge. otherwise they’ll just keep on coming!!

you know what, forget what I implied a couple paragraphs ago about Miruko being a few twists short of a slinky. she may have a straightforward “hit first and ask questions later” approach to things, but it’s increasingly clear that she’s still in possession of this team’s one shared brain cell right now

(ETA: the more that I think about this the madder I get. I count at least seven heroes in this shot. you’re telling me you couldn’t spare a single one??)

ooh we’re cutting to Mandalay!

she says the last of the civilians have just been evacuated from the hospital! I don’t know why she’s yelling this to them out loud and not thinking it at them like in the forest arc but whatever. the evacuation part got me thinking about the kids and now I desperately want to see how they’re doing but first we have to wait for this High End situation to finish spiraling out of control I guess

-- holy shit holy shit holy shit

okay so this guy, who was the closest behind Miruko -- I forget who he is but I remember he was one of the top ten... goddammit let me look it up... okay yeah, he’s Crust, the number six hero, whose quirk I don’t think we know yet -- anyway so he’s running down the corridor and, well...

first of all he says hmmm way too much. but more importantly he just confirmed that at least one of these corridors leads directly outside. without passing through the hospital at all. implying that the Noumus can bypass the squad of heroes entirely and escape to rampage out on the mountainside

so the one job that the heroes had today, which was to make sure that none of the villains escaped, has already proven a failure. there are Noumus outside. and who else is outside in the mountains of Jakku right now, you guys? EXACTLY

meanwhile this fucking boomer hasn’t even bothered to say this part out loud so that the other heroes can hear and realize that there are potentially escaped Noumus on the lam! like it would be nice to maybe mention that so that they know their plan has sprung a leak and also so that Endeavor can WARN HIS FUCKING INTERNS JESUS CHRIST

anyway so Crust has stumbled upon a group of Noumus and is attacking them and still not revealing a thing to his pals, thanks so much!!!

and now Miruko is leaping at Ujiko so that means ladies and gentlemen it’s finally TIME FOR SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN!

WHY IS THIS TAKING A WHOLE FUCKING PAGE

no fucking duh?? holy shit. he may be an evil genius but he’s really not that great at thinking on his feet

-- oh shit?!

A WILD RAY OF HOPE APPEARS?? looooool are you serious? that must mean that they’re so fucking powerful the heroes wouldn’t stand a chance if they were activated. so despite all appearances, Horikoshi is actually not throwing them to the wolves just yet and there is still a thin layer of plot armor surrounding them!

--but what the hell IS HE TURNING THEM ON ANYWAY?!

sob, he is. holy shit he’s gonna sic a High End on my wife and it’ll be the strongest fucking thing we’ve ever seen and meanwhile Ujiko will be watching all “hur hur it’s not even using 10% of its power” fucking fuck me

WHAT THE FUCK

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THERE’S ANOTHER WARPING NOUMU JESUS

so he just left?? but turned the Noumus on first?? so now they have ten fucking hours before these things get strong enough to level the whole fucking planet are you shitting meeeee. and did he just leave Tomura there too or did he also warp him out?

wait a sec no he’s still there. lol what the fuck. so did Mocha-chan create a duplicate of him then and that’s what Miruko kicked?

I’m so confused lmao

(ETA: still confused tbh. but we have bigger fish to fry!)

but anyway. this is what we came for though

wakey wakey. hey can someone go slap Endeavor and all those other heroes for me for deciding it was more important to battle the “small fries” out in front rather than give Miruko some fucking backup so it wouldn’t be all on her to stop this shitclown from remote activating his unstoppable army of death? fucking Mic could have ended this whole show with one shouted “YODELAYHEEHOO~” down this echo-y corridor for fuck’s sake!! Aizawa could have stopped Mocha from using her quirk! god damn! I hope you’re all happy!!

LMAO HOLY FUCKING SHIT

THAT’S THE SCARIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN?! HAHAHA MY HEART IS GENUINELY RACING, I’M DEFAULTING TO MY “HAUNTED HOUSE LAUGHTER” INSTINCT IN WHICH I KEEP LAUGHING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS TOO FUCKING TENSE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO

LIKE, THE ONE NEARLY BIT HER FUCKING FACE OFF BEFORE SHE KICKED ITS BITEY HAND IN HALF, BUT MEANWHILE THE OTHER ONE IS TRYING TO GRAB HER ENTIRE HEAD WITH ITS MASSIVE FUCKING HAND ATTACHED TO AN ARM THAT’S LITERALLY AS LONG AS MIRUKO IS TALL, AND THAT HAND IS BIG ENOUGH THAT IF IT CLOSED ITS FIST HER HEAD WOULD LITERALLY POP LIKE A GRAPE HOLY SHIT?!?!

NO THANK YOU I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING BUT THAT’S ALL RIGHT I DON’T WANT IT TAKE IT BACK PLEASE

oh thank fuck I think Miruko escaped?? or they just threw her into that wall, at least. well still better then getting your head crushed

and now these two are trying to talk because fuck me I forgot high ends can fucking talk

“h...hero...” took me a second to figure out what they were saying there but damned if that didn’t send a chill down my spine!

also Miruko really did kick its hand right the fuck off, god I love her. even if it is instantly growing back

you guys I literally can’t stop laughing lol

HAHAHA WE’RE SO FUCKED!?!

ALSO IS THAT ONE GUY CRIMSON RIOT?!!

hmm lol maybe not. idk though he just gave me that vibe

LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ALL ARE LOL

THEY JUST WANT TO KILL THEM ALL THAT’S SO GREAT. THIS IS ALL SO WONDERFUL THEY KO’D MIRUKO IN 0.4 SECONDS AND NOW THEY WANT TO “GO BERSERK” WHAT A GRAND TIME WE’RE IN FOR

LMAO ARE YOU SERIOUS

FUCKING CRUST OUT HERE LIKE TROY WITH THE PIZZA BOXES. DO YOU WANT TO JUST TURN THE FUCK AROUND RIGHT NOW BOY. NGL IF THEY RIP YOUR HEAD OFF I’M NOT EVEN GONNA DO ANYTHING EXCEPT ROLL MY EYES. WATCH HIM NOT SHOUT A WARNING TO THE OTHERS EVEN NOW

(ETA: I s2g though. hello?! is your headset broken???)

and he’s being greeted by this big guy with a gear head and a weird lumpy spine

somehow at first I thought that first lump on his back was an “R” symbol because I’m bad at interpreting images, so now I want to call him Rusty because I’m also bad at coming up with nicknames on the spot. I’m sorry Rusty

anyway so Rusty and Crust are immediately getting into an argument and meanwhile Ujiko is just SITTING THERE BECAUSE HE CAN, NOW

because Endeavor, Aizawa, Mic, and the others all decided it was more important to abandon their most important target in favor of trying to contain the comparatively harmless redshirt Noumus in the lobby. which is also pointless, because they’re not actually containing shit, because there are other exits besides for just the hospital! which they would fucking know if Crust was capable of relaying vital information instead of strategically saving his breath for more important things like sarcastically calling this Rusty guy “clever”

in conclusion the heroes have all picked the absolute worst time to collectively shit the bed and I’ve had it with them and they all need to retire, except for Miruko. and the kids. who are now soon to be directly in the line of fire thanks to this shitshow

LMAO HORIKOSHI YOU PIECE OF SHIT SOMEHOW I FUCKING KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO PICK THIS WEEK TO ANNOUNCE A BREAK YOU GLEEFUL LITTLE TROLL

and two weeks from now is when I’ll finally be watching the new movie though, so I don’t even know how that’s gonna work lol. guess that’s why they put the extra day in February this year. ah well

anyway! so Miruko is still alive and more reminiscent of Katsuki now than ever, which is fucking great because Crust so far has been exactly as useful as you would expect some stupid old guy with the name “crust” to be, sigh. anyway I’m glad to see my girl’s spirits haven’t been dampened

meanwhile Ujiko straight up did leave Tomura there, which is interesting lol. and so now it looks to be Miruko and Crust (with the latter’s contribution extremely in doubt) versus Rusty, Jester, Max Rebo, Girl!Noumu, and Noumu!Riot. I’m strangely not worried for Miruko because I have decided that she’s invincible, and because Horikoshi has graciously nerfed these guys a bit (please accept my dripping-with-sarcasm “gee thanks”, Horikoshi)

but I am however worried about my three sons over on the edge of town who are about to be waylaid by god knows what. not to mention all my other kids 80km away! how will their day be ruined? we shall see!

[incorrecttwoset]

Lesson time with Dani:

I think the lesson we all learned here today is that I probably shouldn't look down on kpop too much. But then, I have listened to a lot of vocaloid and read along with the lyrics which get pretty intense sometimes. I would give examples but Prof. Nic has gone through many a phase and I cannot remember all of them. (And some i dont want to remember)

So, lets get on with the... songs? Pieces? Lyrics? Shall we?

1. Opera: Verdi - La Travita, Aria: Sempre Libera (Always Free), Character: Violetta. Lol i seriously thought that this was a pop song I havent heard of. But when i realized how this game was gonna go, aka when they revealed that it was opera and a translation thing, i stepped up my guessing game. But like SERIOUSLY THOOOOO. Who could've known? (Probably the singer or a person who actually understands the language) But damn son. Quiz-sama ain't playin aROUND.

2. Pop: Arianna Grande - Imagine. When i read the lyrics, i knew iMMEDIATELY. Why wouldn't I when I live with a sister who blared this fucking sing day in and out. (No offense sis, no offense Arianna) But like, when i saw that Twoset thought this was an opera? Oh bOI. Thank goodness I'm great at controlling my reactions. Because fam, I would've laughed my ass off in disbelief like what the fuck. I'd understand Brett's ignorance but Eddy too? Damn. (Brett's lofi intensifies)

3. Pop: Billie Eilish - . I honestly thought that this was like- okay, my thought process had phases. First sentence I thought "okay this sounds like that one Arianna Grande song." When I got to the "set fire" part, I thought "adele?" And then when i read "burn", i thought "is this that really old song? The "and im gonna let it burn burn burn" thing?" As you can see, all my song guesses were wrong. At least I got the genre. And like me, the bois were learning. (Cue that bear grylls meme)

4. Opera: Tchaikovsky- Eugene Onegin, Aria: Ya lyublyu vas, Olga (I love you, Olga), Character: Lensky. Like what Eddy said, this one's pretty obvious. Also, "I can see why people like opera now. I'm getting old." "Why yes, I do love opera as well." I say, a not legally an adult person. But like, seriously tho. Opera is good. Granted, I havent listened to a lot and to be frank the only opera I've listened to all the way is the Magic Flute but like- its good stuff. Only thing I want is to be able to appreciate it better. (Also check out Patricia Janeckova's recording of the Doll Song. I love it, its wonderful)

5. Opera: Donizetti - Lucia di Lammermoor, Aria: Il Dolce Suono (The Sweet Sound), Character: Lucia. I'll admit that Eddy's singing threw me off a lil but I guessed opera. With... not a lot of conviction. Sounded like something Lana del Rey would write okay.

6. Opera: Mozart - Don Giovanni, Aria: Madamina, il catalogo e questo (Dear lady, this is the list), Character: Leporello. I thought that this was either some really obscure rap, or weird opera. I couldn't decide so I just let it play out. When I saw it was opera, I was confused. Then, I wasn't because I saw that Mozart wrote it. I swear, Mozart would make a killing as a rapper or some kind of foulmouthed idol if he was born in modern times. Also, small Edwina and Brettany cameo!!!!!

7. Opera: Bizet - Carmen, Aria: Tout Doux, Moniseur (Softly, Sir), Character: Carmen. Honestly, by this point of the video (when I watched it for the first time) I was just straight guessing opera. Although, if the lyrics were rephrased, this line could fit in perfectly somewhere in a pop song. And also, I did not expect the dRAMATICNESS of the singing when they played that excerpt. Like, wOW OKAY. I mean it makes sense for Carmen as a character... and the language they used it in... and the style of opera... okay I really can't say anything about the extraness can I?

8. Pop: Billie Eilish - No time to die. I knew it was pop. (Rhyme scheme and lyric pattern and subject matter too predictable babey) But the fact that it was by Billie Eilish was what confused me. Idky, but them lyrics givin me Taylor Swift vibes. Or Lana del Rey vibes if you slow it down and make it "dreamy".

9. KPOP: Blackpink - Kill this love. This one was sUUUUUPER ambiguous to me. It was very eloquent and poetic in a sense. But then it also gave out pop vibes. I couldn't answer though I leaned more towards opera. But when i saw that it was Blackpink's Kill this love? My brain melted out my ears. I mEAN ITS IN KOREAN ITS A TRANSLATION THING. That still doesn't excuse the fact that im very- aSDFGHJKL about it.

10. Opera: Dvorak - Rusalka, Aria: Mesicku na nebi hublokem (Song to the moon), Character: Rusalka. This one was very obviously opera to me. But dem kpop lyrics threw me for a loop man! I went opera but yall, I was dOUBTING.

11. Pop: Charlie Puth - Attention. Was there really any need to guess this one? Although, if you've never been exposed to pop music and are hearing them for the first time then thats okay. We're all learning.

12. Opera: Mozart - Cosi Fan Tutte (All Women Do It), Aria: In Uomini in Soldati (In men, in soldiers), Character - Despina. I sincerely thought that this was a really obscure rap. And I wasn't surprised when it said that Mozart wrote this opera. (His creepy smiling face tho...)

13. Pop: Justin Bieber - Sorry. Like I said in number 11, was there really any need to guess. And Brett's (albeit braindead) singing of Super Junior's Sorry Sorry is- aUGHCK MY STAN HEART. I WAS ALREADY SLAUGHTERED BY HIM WEARING THE VIOLIN BUTTON UP AND HIS ADORABLENESS AND HIS DADDYNESS OTHER NON ADORABLE QUALITIES. Ughhhhh. Jesus christ i really have to simp for Brett in each of these posts huh?

14. Pop: Taylor Swift - Delicate. I thought that this was fOR SURE an Arianna Grande song. Because of that one song with the sleep thing. But ugh, Eddy's assumption of the song was just too good not to be mentioned. (And also because i need to fill these paragraphs but like- dat voice dow) And oh gOD SEEING THEM LAUGH TOGETHER AND VIBE LIKE THAT? IM- wow look I just died of blood loss.

15. KPOP: BTS - On. Brett picking opera and falling off his chair is me. Quiz-sama. Mercy. Mercy pLEASE. Dude, translated kpop is intense.

Also editor-san was on fIRE TONIGHT. The sass was very string today. Fuck, i LOVE IT. Wait. Holy shit I just realized something. Editor-san, subtitler-san, and quiz-sama. The holy trinity of subtle twoset humor and behind the screen action. The cast is huge and i am a simp for all of them.

[ain-t-bovvered]

14x18 Commentary

Zeta and Giuls scream together, and then die.

@purpleskiesandcherrypies and @dean-winchesters-baconwon’t be joining us for this one.

Me & Zeta will watch together season 14′s episodes as they come out and we’ll do our commentary while watching.

+MASTERLIST of season 14 commentary *

Giulia: Ugh I’m already tired

Zee: Hold on. The torture just began

Giulia: I don t wanna see cas treated like that by dean. I can t

Zee: Mary!?

Giulia: Pah

D&S: Yo Mom? Jack?

Giulia: I already hate this. Searching for mum in the bunker. Awful.

D: They probably just stopped for a bite on the way back. You know how Mom get

me: 

Zee: Can I live there tho?

D: here's to another miraculous Sam Winchester’ survival. Got to say, man, if Jack hadn't have healed you...

D: You know, lately, it feels like we'd be up the creek without that kid.

me: 

S: Yep

D: I mean, first, he takes care of Michael and then...Nick.

-uh hu of course the cell is there

D: looks like they left in a hurry.

Giulia: Yeah Sam was gonna be dead and satan was coming back so....

Zee: Oh crap. There’s def something wrong

Oh my poor baby bean Jack

Giulia: it starting. Great AMAZING. Just what I needed at 8 am

Zee: Of course babe

Giulia: CAAAAAAS

C: Nick was trying to raise Lucifer?

Zee: Epic eye roll

Giulia: my epic roll

Castiel is like : my god what a drama queen, my family is a disgrace.

C: [jack and Mary] They’re together?

D: yeah

C: .....A-Alone?

D: Y-Yeah. W-Why do you  Yes, Cass, they were together, alone.

C: *sweats*

Giulia: Alone.  Oh bother

Zee: Silence

Giulia: Great. GREAT

Castiel in short : Jack killed Felix because he thought it was the merciful thing to do.

Zee: The snake

C: I don’t think Jack’s well, Dean.

-well good fucking morning fucking Vietnam

Zee: Sam’s eye squint 

Dean hangs up on Cass

Giulia: I HATE THIS

Zee: Focus babe

Giulia: no I’m already hating Dean, and I know what’s coming and I HATE IT.

Also...can I have Jack’s airline number

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA LOOK AT CASS SPELLED C-A-S-S . SUCK IT BITCHES.

I’m vibrating , I wanna hug Jack so much and tell him everything is gonna be alright, my baby...I’m so sorry no ONE IN THIS FUCKING SHOW FUCKING TALKS TO EACH OTHER.

A wilde Nick appears. 

Giulia: Fuck him

Zee: Careful with what comes out of your mouth

Red fucking eyes

Giulia: The fuck

J: that’s not possible, you’re-

N: Dead? Yeah alright you got me.I’m not Nick, I’m not Lucifer-

giulia: oh thank god

N: I’m you

Zee: What?

Giulia: That’s way worse thanks

Zee: Oh come the fuck on

Zee: Dying?

Giulia: STOP THIS RIGHT FUCKING NOW

Zee: Actual pain

N: Buddy, you killed Mary Winchester. You cannot come back from that, and you know it.

Giulia: oh. And fuck Nick too

Zee: In my chest

Giulia: Fuck lucifer too

N: All right? You've been flapping your wings all around, trying to run away from what you did.

Zee: You won’t. You can’t

Giulia: U really can t

Zee: Tell Sam and Dean that

N: I'm sure they'll understand. It's not like family isn't everything to them.

Giulia: Can’t he just bring her back the fuck. That’s what happened alright. Mary got turned in ash again.

- AND also....like...it really was an accident, and ok maybe they would have a fucking hard time to accept that and maybe be mad , rightly so...but....y’all need to speak to each other. But then again....there would be no supernatural without family not speaking to each other.

I love how Sam says that Cass will be there too and he looks at Dean like....your bf is gonna be there you better be nice.

S: And -- And Jack -- I mean... he must have thought he was helping, you know, being kind.

Giulia: Thanks Sam

Zee: Dean is kinda fed up

Giulia: I’m not team Dean this time. Well he can stuff it i don t give a shit

Zee: Come on. Just wait.

Giulia: U ...snooped around didn’t ya?

Zee: No no. I’m also hoping he’s not an asshole I have faith

Giulia: That’s not your brain talking. Dean is an asshole, he’s my asshole, but he’s an asshole and that’s my heart talking, I don t even care.

Giulia: We ve been knew

Zee: Bold of you to assume I have one

Also...I’m kinda worried that Dean was already thinking about the box at this point.

D: We don't know that he doesn't have a soul!

I mean from this sentence alone....he thinks that he could have done that with or without his soul.

Zee: BBQ nick

Giulia: GREAT, DEAN....TOUCH THE ASH, AMAZING.

Zee: More than bbq Mary

Giulia: you mean “SMOKED MARY”

too soon?

Giulia: aw bb

Giulia: oh wow gotta love that empty fucking stare on Castiel. that looks so good. amazing . 10/10

Zee: Yeah. Cas is ok

Giulia: AW

C: I could heal you. If you'll let me.

M: I’m okay

Zee: Let him bitch

C:Are you still afraid of me?

*gasps*

M: Maybe a little

*GASPS*

Giulia: why, what’s your problem with instant healing?

Zee: The sad smile tho

Giulia: Listen-

Giulia: I’m hurting MY BABY, HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU BE AFRAID OF THAT BUMBLEBEE OF AN ANGEL * sobs*

C: I know you know this, Mary, but, um.. Sam and Dean -- they're -- they're glad to have you back. Whatever you still have to deal with and however long it takes, you should know they're happy.

Giulia: MY

Giulia: BABY

Giulia: I CAN T

Giulia: YEAH THAT S RIGHT. THEY WERE NEVER ALONE

Zee: Can she not?!

Giulia: SOBS. MY CHEST HURTS

Castiel really doesn’t want to look the Winchesters in the eyes explaining things.I mean an angel of the freaking Lord, sorry tell me again that he doesn’t care about them.

Giulia: Sam give him a kick

D: I mean, we don't know what Nick did. He probably deserved it.

He certainly did.

[enters Cass]

Dean :

BOOOOOOOOOO

Giulia: I don t wanna watch. I don t wanna WATCH

Zee: Don’t you dare leave me

S: There's a, um, blast site behind the house It looks angelic, just...bigger.

Dean: 

To me it’s like they already know, at least Dean. I can see his brain working. And Cas might be looking at him right now ( he also might not don’t get your panties twisted there)

Dean : Who cares what Jack said?

welp there it is

D: We don't know what happened!

Giulia: i can t. I don t wanna hate dean

Giulia: But I’m gonna

Zee: Fuck

I CAN’T LOOK AT CAS

Giulia: FUCK U. I DID.

S: Dean-

D: No, he knew. He knew something was wrong with the kid. He knew it, and he didn't tell us! He didn't even tell us!

Giulia: i can t LOOK AT MY BABY . What the FUCK was that face Misha.

Giulia: No

Giulia: Nsbsoabdjfondbdv

THE FUCK WAS THAT STARE DEAN?

C: I was scared. I believed in Jack for so long, I... I believed that he was -- he was good.

Giulia: OMG

Giulia: CAS

Giulia: I CAN T

Zee: Oh ffs.

C: I -- I knew that he would be good for the world. And he was good for us. My faith in him, it -- it never wavered, and then I-I saw what he did. It wasn't malice. It wasn't evil. It was like Jack saw a problem, and in his mind, he just solved it with that snake.

D: The snake?!

C: What he did wasn't bad. It was the absence of good. And I saw that in him.

Dean is all over the place right now

C: But we were a family, and I didn't want to lose that, so I thought I could... fix it on my own. Felt like it was my responsibility. So I left. And I didn't tell you.

Sam understands

C: If I could go back and just -- just talk to him right then and there, I would.But I can't, Dean. I failed you. And I failed Jack. And I failed --

D: No, no. Don't even say it. Don't even say her name.

S: Dean [putting himself between them]

Giulia: THE STARE

Giulia: WHAT THE FUCK

Ok ok, to me it looks like Dean’s already regretting what he said but at the same time he’s so angry and panicked and he’s just all over the place, they just got back from Sam risking his like yet again and then this...

[Rowena Calling...]

Giulia: THE STARE AGAIN

I DON’T WANNA WATCH THE REEEEEEST

ugh...okay ....here we go.

S: And Mom?

D: Say it!

R: I don't know what happened or where she is...but I can tell you with certainty... Mary Winchester

is no longer on this Earth.

 montage of broken hearts :

Zee: Jfc

Giulia: Saw that coming

Giulia: Great

Giulia: Ready for dean

Giulia: Melt down in 3….2…..1

Zee: I flinched

Giulia: There it is

They are all so broken. That chair is us tho.

D: What do we always do when we lose one of our own?

Zee: We fight

C: How? We don't even know where your mother is.

D:Then go to heaven and find her!

Giulia: Oh look….Cas has misty eyes

Dean’s lingering stare to Castiel like : you better fucking find her , I mean it.

and of course Castiel would do anything for the Winchester.

Giulia: I can t, CAS LOOKING AT SAM LIKE THAT SEEMS SO LOST AND GUILTY AND I HATE IT

[montage of their dead eyes]

Giulia: WELL I HATED IT

Zee: Well hello there

DON’T TOUCH ROWENA JACK DAMN IT.

Giulia: #scared

Giulia: He’s so scared

Zee: To bring Mary back

Giulia: Can’t he think her back again ?

Zee: He’s just a scared kid

Giulia: Come on. This is stupid

Zee: Maybe he doesn’t have that much power?

J: I killed Mary. I-It was an accident. I-I didn't mean to. I just -- I just wanted her to be quiet. I just wanted her gone, but only for a second. And I just.. I thought it. It all happened so fast. I need to undo it. You need to help me undo it.

Giulia: That room looks like bobby’s

Giulia: The soul is gone, the power isn’t

Giulia: Damn

Zee: Oh

Giulia: Of course

Zee: Oh Cas

Giulia: It’s so cold in Canada lol. I wanna go there

Zee: Of course you do

Giulia: Oh not Naomi

Giulia: These flashbacks tho

Giulia: Cute. Imma play with knife today

J: When we get Dean back, he's gonna kill me for this.

Giulia: Yes he is

Zee: Nice

Giulia: BEARD

Zee: Sam’s mourning beard

Giulia: God I love beards. Men just looks better with it

Zee: Parental guilt

Giulia: Well good fucking morning

M: You always feel like you're failing, but then you look at them, and somehow, they're amazing. And somehow, they're literally... ...the bravest...kindest......most heroic men on the planet.

Zee: Yes yes they do

Giulia: Looks like a struggle

Giulia: Great. Can’t wait for that

Zee: I don’t think she got the chance to be a mother tbh

D: Cass. Cass should have told us. As soon as he saw Jack go all Dahmer on his stupid freakin' snake, he should have told us.

S: Dean, it wasn't just Cass. It wasn't. We knew Jack was dangerous. We always knew.Long before he killed Michael. You more than anyone.I mean, from the very beginning, you knew.But, you know, we fell for him 'cause he had a good heart and a good soul.Then he didn't. And that's on me, too, by the way.I mean, I'm the one who made the call to bring him back.He didn't ask for that. I decided for him. And you warned me.No, you didn't know, okay? We didn't know

Giulia: AH. Thank you Sam

Zee: The voice of reason…..And there Sam with the guilt

D: We didn't know. 

S: Exactly. But -- He had become our family. You know, after Maggie and the other Hunters died... I just left. Just... dumped Jack on Cass and left. I knew. I mean, I knew something... was gonna... I just didn't know it'd be this.

Giulia: Babe

Zee: Is everybody on the verge of tears on this ep?

D: I did it, too. When I talked to Donatello about Jack, he said he was good as far as he could tell. But then he talked about how powerful Jack was and that he could never really be sure. And it was a warning.I just couldn't see it.

Giulia: YEAH YA DID

Giulia: YES THEY ARE. Finally mirroring us

Zee: About time

Giulia: Great if Dean doesn’t fucking apologize to Cas I swear

Zee: Not again

Giulia: Ew I mean. Love ya Mark But.  Stop it. Anyway

Giulia: Fucking jack is going in that box 99,99%

Zee: +0.01

Giulia: Jack is us

Giulia: Lucy is spn feelings

N: You want gratitude for bringing Mommy back? Why? So you can call this dump home again?

Zee: Poor child

N: And you know what, Jack? It's not gonna work. You know it's not gonna work.

Giulia: GREAT

C: I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere, not until I have a word with you.

Zee: Well good luck with that

Giulia: ugh naomi

Giulia: Misha’s hair are goooooood

Giulia: … Wasn’t she dead? Also LOVE HER

Dumah: She is at peace. You know, she died painlessly. Instantly. Completely.

She's in Heaven, a special Heaven.

Mary Winchester is complete.

You and the Winchesters may not be.

But she is.

Zee: Can I mention I love her voice?

Giulia: No i love her voice too

Can I mention that Cas face is fucking killing me, he’s so distraught 

Zee: Jack is losing it

Giulia: Damn it jack

Zee: He’s so desperate to fix it

Giulia: Wow

Giulia: Can I do that in real life too?

Zee: Thank you Rowena

Giulia: Ok but honestly

Zee: Is all that ash Mary ?

Giulia: I would be fucking terrified to tell the Winchester I killed their mother by mistake tho. I would first tell Sam, then hide behind him as I tell Dean.

Zee: Oh oh

Giulia: So I get Jack a bit. Oh oh He fucked with baby too

Jack with a fucking broken face : It didn't work.

Zee: He’s done everything wrong so far

Giulia: I’m scared and feel for him

Giulia: GREAT DON T WANNA WATCH THIS

Zee: Can the music stop?

Zee: Oh HELL NO

Giulia: OH NO AAAAND IM CRYING

Giulia: GREAT

Giulia: GREEEEAT

Giulia: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING MORNING

Giulia: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING DAY

Giulia: i should stop watching spn in the morning It ruins my whole day

Giulia: SHUT UP STOP

N: There's no going back. You realize that now. Cass, Sam, Dean.. They're never gonna trust you again.

nick...nick shut the fuck up

N: You can never trust them.

Giulia: NO T THE PICS

Zee: Oh noooo

D: So, what? Are you just gonna take her word for it?

C: NO. I saw your mother's Heaven, and she is happy. She's with John, and there's no sorrow. There's no guilt. Just joy.

Sam is me

Zee: And Cas

Giulia: i hate that Sam doesn’t really have a pic with mom tho

S: So, what are we supposed to do now?

D: What we always do.

Zee: Oh shit

Giulia: HATE THIIIIIS I DON’T WANNA SEE IT

Giulia: Ok so Bye Mary I guess. We can t have nice things on spn

Giulia: OH

Zee: Fucking hell

Giulia: THAT HURT ME. OH FUCK

Zee: Damn

Giulia: YEP

Giulia: I THINK ITs bye bye mary

                   [after episode]

Giulia: Hate the promo

Giulia: Fuck the angels And not in the fun way

Zee: I hated it. Too many feels

Giulia: Spn really did trained me to feels

Zee: My coffee is cold and salty

Giulia: Like...Is this thing happening in my life that important that I must suffer like this?

Nah that scene in spn was way worse, I got this

Zee: I guess u r right

Zee: But I have this sick idea that the writers snoop around on social media, read what would tick us and then write that exact thing

Giulia: Well I saw Samantha tribute to Mary on twitter so I guess yeah, Mary is gone

Giulia: Psh of course they do

Giulia: That’s why we write

Zee: Sick bastards

Giulia: So maybe we get lucky and they pick up our ideas

Giulia: No no I love it

Giulia: The thing is

Giulia: They keep changing writers and stuff and that I hate

Giulia: Because ya know....continuity

Giulia: And sometime they make characters behave in a way that it’s too alien , and you can tell

Zee: With each passing ep they make it worse. I don’t even wanna see how this season ends

Giulia: The actors can tell too and they can’t do much about that tho

Zee: Let alone the next

Giulia: With cas , the impala and a graveyard. We know that

Zee: In what context tho

Giulia: WE. ARE. SO. GONNA. HATE. THAT.  * maniac laughter*

Giulia: Idk but those words together are cursed

Zee: U ain’t wrong

Giulia: I wanted to see her heaven tho. They should have done that when JDM came back. Like Just a little snippets please. Ugh

Zee: Do you deliberately seek pain woman? Scratch that. I know you do

Giulia: How is that pain? I would have been happy seeing them happy But I guess we saw that. Whatevs

Zee: Well, she ded. And not with her children But again She never really knew her children

Giulia: A goodbye would have been nice tho

Giulia: Her children are grown ass men. She fine She s in heaven , with the love of her life. I mean. Would love to have that too

Zee: First of all we have established that neither of us is going to heaven

Giulia: Also dying painless and being in heaven?

Zee: Second, u would have to be dead

Giulia: I mean...in spn universe? That’s like goals

Zee: Custom made death

Giulia: I embrace it. Imma party with the angels

Zee: Yes. I think u will

Giulia: Unless I murder someone before I kick it. The bar is set so low ok

Zee: Maybe Jensen at Jib. If they don’t fix him and Cas

Giulia: Well J has no say in that. The fucking writers man.Imma kill them

Zee: Better

Giulia: Kill one , goes to hell, why not kill more since I’m there

[20 min later]

Giulia: So …..I coped with these feelings by doing online shopping

.

.

.

.

@wayward-angelgirl @destiel-honeypie     @mariekoukie6661     @dragontamerm      @closetspngirl   @rainflowermoon    @mattiecat    @bunnybaby121115  @aliaitee2   @jacks-word-of-the-day     @4evamc       @dammitsammy     @legendary-destiel   @winchesterprincessbride    @destielhoneybee    @castiellover20   @jacks-word-of-the-day  @ravenhg @evvvissticante  @legendary-destiel  @dustythewind

[bbhyuckie]

jaehyun x reader

librarian! au

genre: fluff

words: 1.7k

warnings: realistic portrayals of college life lol

ive said before that im being self indulgent with posts

but this is really it

im really out here writing this

lets get into this mess

so youre studying right

and you yourself do not have a laptop of your own

bc welcome to being a broke college kid im calling myself out

so you decide that youre gonna go to the library on campus bc sis,, cash in on the tuition money ok

so you go and youre like wow hahahaha i dont have a library card better sign up for one

so you go to the desk and theres no one there

just your luck really

you decide to wander around a little to see if theres anyone who can help you

and low and behold you stumble across someone

this young man knelt down by a shelf with a book rack next to him just humming softly and organizing books

and you catch his attention by clearing your throat slightly

he looks up and his eyes are big over the rims of his wire framed glasses that are clinging to the tip of his round button nose

and his hair is a little mussed from being bent down

but holy hell

youve read enough novels to know that this must be exactly what the characters are talking about when they say things like ‘love at first sight’

“sorry” he says as he standcs and brushes himself off “can i help you with anything?”

starstruck really

you manage to stutter out something about needing to register for a library card and he smiles so kindly it makes u want to melt

“sure!’ he says, motioning for you to follow him back up to the desk

is this what a trance feels like???

he asks you a few basic questions, like your name, your age, and what building your dorm is in so he can put it all on your new nifty library card

and then he turns around this lil webcam on top of his computer and asks you to stand in front of it and smile

and you do, awkwardly

and as hes looking down at the computer counting “3, 2, 1” he has this smile on his face like hes trying to hide it

and if that didnt make ur heart jump you dont know what ever would holy

so he prints off your card as youre still trying to recover from being in the presence of an angel

and he hands it to you and smiles

“library hours are 8 am to 12 am every day, but on the weekends i’m the one that closes. which means if you ever need some extra time to finish that essay you pushed off,,, i wont tell anyone”

aND HE W I NK S

and not lot a hot wink

but a cute?? wink??? if thats possible

like you have a secret with him now and its safe

you wonder absently as you stare down at the black and white picture of yourself on the back of your new card if he tells everyone about him closing on the weekends

and if he doesnt does that make you special???/

you smile and thank him again, maybe a little more confidently than before and head for the door

you realise as youre halfway out that you came here to study on the computers but you really need some time to sit down and process the fact that you just say an actual angel

you can do your math homework on your phone for one more night if it means you can turn down your body heat from screaming blushing mess to slightly embarrassed rosy cheeks

the next time you get a chance to run by the library on campus, it just so happens to be sunday

you catch yourself wondering if dream boy meant friday and saturday or saturday and sunday when he said weekends

thats not important right now

what is important is that you have actual business to do in the library today

and that business is to pick up hamlet for your english class

you check in and someone else is at the front desk

you try not to let yourself feel disappointed

i mean you met him once for christs sake

the guy at the front is equally as attractive as dream boy from the previous week, but a little more relaxed to talk to since he isnt giving you any flirty subtones

the kid is all business really

he tells you that his name is doyoung if you need anything else

you ask how he got the job there, out of curiousity

because really, both of the librarians youve encountered seem pretty young for the standard librarian stereotype

doyoung explains that its a work-study job, so nearly all the people that work there are students at the university and work in between classes or on their off days to make some extra cash or pay off some tuition

and you can get behind that!!

so doyoung is cool and you decide you can go to him to ask questions instead

because while dream boy is a dream boy with pretty cheekbones and nice lips and a smooth voice and a good sense of style and a great height without insoles and looks great with glasses and has the most captivating eyes

hes a lil distracting lol

anyway you find yourself in the shakespearean section

and you grab a hamlet off the shelf and head back up to the front to have doyoung check the book out to you

and as hes handing you the book back you get a classroom notification saying that, despite common belief, the book rental wasnt due by tomorrow, but the whole book reading is due by tomorrow

you wonder how the fuck professors get away with shit like this and then you remember that you didnt bother to read the syllabus so you cant really get too mad at anyone but yourself

so you find a table that looks like it has the comfiest chairs and cozy up for a long evening of reading and annotating

(depending on who you are you either love or hate hamlet, either way it is exhausting to annotate anything from that man so bear with me ok)

five hours later and ⅔ of the annotations later it is 11:56pm

and you havent noticed

you hadnt noticed much of anything happening in the real world after you popped in a headphone and started reading about guards seeing a ghost

that is until someone plops down in the seat in front of you and asks

“so what are you studying”

and you look up, a little delayed because youre finishing a notation

only to find that its dream boy

and your brain blanks for a sec bc wow every time you see him its kinda like?? ouch???? my heart bro

so you just kind of shake your head and mutter some “im not really sure anymore”

and theres some truth to that!! first there were ghosts and now theres dead girlfriends dads and dead girlfriends and talking about a skull in a graveyard

that play is really a wild ride brother

and dream boy sits there and laughs, wholesomely

you could die happy

“yeah i get that” he says, rubbing the back of his neck

theres a pause that carries on a bit too long

“wanna hear a dumb joke?” he asks suddenly

you smile then, partially out of exhaustion and partially because wow?? cutie

“sure” you say

“okay. what do you call a nervous javelin thrower?”

you pause for a sec bc wtf

“dunno. what do you call them?”

he flashes this cute fucking grin that you know is supposed to be slick but just comes off as wholesome and says

“shakespeare”

and you shouldve seen that coming wow

and its so dumb that you actually??? giggle????? and that turns into a laugh??

youre probably just exhausted from annotations but maybe that was actually funny

and his smile softens like hes made progress on something

“y/n, right? i dont think i ever actually introduced myself. i’m jaehyun”

he smiles and reaches across the tabe and you take his hand

its warm and strong and you try not to think about it too hard

“well, y/n, library loses here in another two minutes or so.”

he sees the look on your face fall

“but never fear!” he leans forward and lowers his voice

you hold your breath

“i told ya you could stay, didnt i?”

his smile is closed lipped and cute and genuine

before you can say anything hes up and ushering the last few people out of the library, telling them good night and good luck with their classes tomorrow

youre kind of caught in a brain dead daze after finally being pulled from your studying to watching this cute librarian named jaehyun bustle around and lock doors and turn off lights

and when he finally gets back to you he clicks on the lamp on the table youre working at and sets a cup of coffee in front of you

he mustve made it as you were falling asleep with your eyes open

you thank him copiously before asking

“i thought you let everyone stay after hours when you closed”

he looks up over the rim of his mug with a surprised look in his eyes

he shakes his head as swallows the clearly too hot coffee

“not at all. most of the time i kick them out and study by myself.”

he blushes like its a confession and it makes you feel,,,, something

but you dont want to press

so you just reach out and offer your other headphone to him because if you dont know what to say then you can both enjoy some good study music

so he pulls out his homework for the night and the two of you sit there and study

you sip off your coffee occasionally and both of you nod your heads to the music playing in your ears

he hums along to the ones he knows and a thought skips across your mind

you could get used to this

(theres a 100000% chance there will be a part two to this)

[monolid-monologues]

this dream about you ruined my morning. LOL. (& how do you retell a dream? especially an embarrassing one?)

when: last night slash this morning. [that’s today, Thursday June 27th]

 it was one of those *you wake up and know you left an intense dream* *go back to sleep because this fucker of a dream needs an ending* 

i could almost call it a nightmare,  if based purely on the harrowing and very real physical toll it had on my body when i really got up from it. 

I re-woke to my second and Emergency alarm (that’s the “get the fuck up now bitch go straight to work do not pass go do not pick up an eyeshadow brush do not eat breakfast get your headass into the car and maybe you won't be viciously tardy”) and my ANKLES WERE LITERALLY SORE?? my head pounding something Awful. And like my chest. Felt such a bitch. Stiff, contracted, and dry. 

you ever been like HUNGOVER from a dream????

* * *

i don't want to call it a nightmare, though,  because it was about you.

And you were/are not a nightmare. lol.  You just...happened. and it passed.

What this is, Is: i had this dream about you, and i fucking hated it LOL

IT’S A FIRST. AND I NEED TO PROCESS IT . BECAUSE i dont get it. i don’t get why i had it. i am so caught off guard by it. i am scared of it. i am scared i even had A dream of you.

and i refuse to let it just bury inside me. i’m going to claw this thing out and take a good mfkin look at it.

OKAY. now that that’s established...

(ugh.... it feels like i’m about to embark into some bitter medicine.)

* * *

we ran into each other...in an apartment?

I was in the living room with my “friends” in the dream A.K.A obscure, obscure acquaintances whose faces i cannot place or recall. 

and like any good dream, out of the god damn blue, comes trawling through a pack of Your friends. or family. or both. and your own face hazily blurring by in the mix. headed thru the nearest hallway, towards one of the bedrooms.

I catch your brother's face (i never even met your brother before lmfao) most crystalline clear among them. and he is the one who stops to meet me as the rest shuffle away.

I immediately recognized him (from pictures. i'd seen pictures IRL), we strike introductions, and conversation. i remember saying "you're his brother!" and other incredibly facile but in that moment in that dream very genuine sentiments. but still we can cringe at how unrealistic and un-grounded in reality they were. things like " i always knew i'd like you" (what the fuck, right) and "wow why does it feel we’ve already met (what the fuck. LOL.) and if we CAN ignore the DELIRIOUSNESS of my REM concoction here, i'd like you to accept with suspension of belief that me and this stranger, me and your brother, did become - in this dream moment - effortlessly chummy. We became instinctively on each other's sides (it still sounds delirious. damn it.  Don't share your dreams willy-nilly, folks, it is not smart to expose your fucking dumbly vivid irrationales lol).

We were getting on like old fuckin friends, what the fuck can i say. It's the fictional truth. 

Then our convo gets to the Grit. The punch in the gut. he tells me you're here. in this apartment. of course i could’ve put that together but the confirmation is CONFIRMING. Palpable - the settling in of the fact that you and i were..both..here.

A many-voltage shock. and i only snap out of it, and the frozen moment only melts back to action when i feel you feel that same shock. And right away, i "hear"...or was it "see"?....your presence / energy dash out of the bedroom in which you and your group were in. And you lock yourself into the bathroom.

A collective "what the hell" is shared between me and my new-but-old dreamworld friend. your brother. We step past the bathroom you are now occupying. We enter the bedroom. I see the rest of your peoples.  Once again, Faceless peoples. i don't know that any of these were REAL peoples, any of your actual peoples in real life. Dreams! what're you gonna do? 

Me vs. your peoples, though. It starts as awkward. Your brother tries to smooth things.

I remember warmth starting to emerge. I'm sure I wanted warmth, and since it was my dream, probably i manipulated events to make it so. I am keeping that in mind about this dream from start to finish, by the way.  My brain manufactured all of this. Why? Fuck Me if i want to know. honestly.

But without knowing why, i still saw the What. (& this whole entire What gave me a serious kink in my neck this morning, like i never even know what a kink was until i got up and groaned.)

The What, at this point, after me and this room begin to warm up to each other: I mean, its only appropriate in such a dream that we land on the next Gut punch. The next revelation. (the brain sure knows who to TELL A STORY. DAMN.)

They tell me that..... FUCK, pause. Pause. PAUSE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS. WRITE THIS. ADMIT TO THIS. 

ugh how else can i say this without causing every internal organ in my body to cringe in unison and threaten whole bodily shutdown for the entirety of the time it takes for my parts to Un-Cringe themselves. i could die. 

i wish to die.

i won't die. let me continue. *deep breathe*

They tell me that you want me back. 

Oh my god i want to laugh and cry and barf at the same time - me in real life, me now - not me in the dream. Well maybe me in the dream. But speaking from the conscious VERY-NOT-ASLEEP P.O.V of my self at present, it really hurts to say that because...i dreamed that. I can't believe i dreamed a dream in which you say "you want me back".

I cringe because you, and me, might think oh, that's what she secretly wants.

No. It. Is. Not.  And i know this, but you can't, unless i tell you outright like this "I DON'T". and even then, because of this dream, i may be relinquishing my right to protest that contention. "Well clearly your deep inner psyche is saying different blah blah wah wah" says the PSEUDO-SCIENTIST IN US ALL. Whatever, that was exhausting, lol, i said what i said and i dreamed what i dreamed.

If you *are* *asking* *me*, i will tell you with incredibly clear eyes: no, i didn't dream you saying that because it was what i wanted. i don't know why i dreamed that, but how about i get to the end now, before we jump to more conclusions:

i hear that, and - what magically appears? A piece of paper, with old feelings written..no, scrawled.. all over it. There's blank space near the end.

There's a collective agreement that you are not coming out of the bathroom anytime soon. Is it a red flag to Dream Me that you are HIDING IN THE FKN BATHROOM? LOL NO. 

in fact i think Dream Me thought it was cute. "aw he's shy" rather than "what the fucking coward". 

Oooo. Was that harsh. and i oop--

I begin to write my "current" (quotes to remind you this IS THE RE-TELLING OF A DREAM, A NON-REALITY!!!) feelings. surprisingly, they were a smidgen closer to my actual feelings today, but still, it was a dream, and my REM brain is setting me up for some happy ending i think. So what do i write? I write something along the lines of "i don't want to be together but i did miss you and i do want to kiss you".

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool throw tomatoes at me NOW.

MOVING ON: I remember the room is now crackling with hope, and optimism,  and your peoples are cooing "how cute" (which is hilarious in hindsight because this is not cute at all, it is very very weird)

and then the vibes get *~*~dramatic~*~ for a pinch: a confession from your brother: -this part i'm dead ass even as ludicrous and irrelevant as it seems-

he says to me: “i know he said i'm his brother, but i'm not. Actually, he's the brother. *points to a faceless figure* and i'm the good friend.” and it was like one of those soap opera revelation moments.  I don’t know why.

Why does this detail...?? matter??? appear??  Well let me add that, it was like...so familiar. this "uncovering" of a lie. REAL QUICK I'm not saying the man in question is a liar. that’s NOT it at all. I suspect the familiarity lied in my past experiences of feeling "not let in" or "held at a distance”. & I was doing my own damn lying, to myself. I was doing my own emotionally irresponsible business. /ending that there.

Point is, the "confession" was unnerving and it was almost like an omen. Like WHY Would you lie about something like that??? I couldn’t understand it!

But did i still want to leave this note?

And i, in the dream, did. still want to. So I give up the note to your peoples with intentions of it reaching you.

But of course, before i can leave, You come pummeling in.

I guess you were done with your really long shit or you were tired of hiding.

But the way you came in, i remember this motion picture vividly: you don’t greet me, you make a beeline straight past me, you insulate yourself behind your peoples, and your energy feels incredibly apprehensive. like you’re on Defense. Like someone’s come to attack you. Like what? And i’m so confused and so uneasy that i can’t wait to leave, without even wanting a word from you. This, the same person who wants me back they say? This, the same person who I called on for “a kiss” (UGHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!)

Your brother-turned-friend hands you the note. 

I see that you got it.

I see you paw it, and start to look at it.

I feel an edge of regret but i let it be. what i wrote reflected how i felt, i affirm with myself.

and i leave

but while walking out, i’m already reconsidering: "okay it reflected how i felt, before i personally contacted THAT energy, his energy, his avoidance, his marked apprehensiveness"

and i storm back 

when you were just about to dig into it

and i snatch it from your hands

but you held on and

in my determined snatching, i rip back the bottom half as you stare at me and shred the rest of it yourself. shred the half that remained in your hands into tiny ugly pieces.

like shrapnel, and it flutters around you, and your stare is intense, and intact, and i wonder if this was satisfying to you.

i burst out of that room, so angry, so fucking disturbed that you could've read something nice but i didn't want you to read something nice.

No, i was so dissatisfied by the non-greeting, the haphazard waltzing and pacing in the room for the brief moments we shared space,

i was vengeful

i tore the "something nice" before you could receive it.

And then I was horrified by the way you let the rest of it rip up in your hands and disappear like the rest of it (the part i'd taken back).

* * *

I got jumped by my own dream. HOW DID IT -- I--

I mean. What a load of Holy Hell.

And i still, resist, calling it a nightmare, because,

that's not accurate to how i actually remember you.

I remember you fondly.

and the most stressful part of when i look back at our time together

wasn't even you. 

i always, even at the low points, felt a really deep joy from being around you.

The most stressful part when i look back was who I was then.

From where i stand now, i look back and shake my head the most ferociously at who i was, how i was, and what i was missing. what i needed. what i wasn't making sure to get.

have i forgiven Myself? 

maybe that's why This Dream.

//////

AN AFTER THOUGHT: perhaps what is truly horrifying about this dream is 1) how childish it was. 2) why the fuck did i have a dream about you like @brain that was so uncalled for bruh 

////

Edit: An afterthought 24 hours later= My impulse was to recount this dream in detail. I belabored this account, everything i could possibly remember about it, in addition to belaboring that though this DOES seem significant, it DOES NOT mean i still have the same feelings for this mf. 

Now i am able to revisit it, in all its cringe detail glory. I have a lot more perspective on why this dream, and what it might mean to me. WOW the power of writing. 

[starsdustzuko]

Ever After Klance AU bc I have no life

Lance is Danielle

Pidge is Gustav

Keith is Henry

Shiro is Leonardo Da Vinci

Hunk is Jacqueline

Shay is the Royal Guard person

THE HORSE SCENE

Lance was the son of a merchent

the merchent married a mean lady with some kids

probably Rolo (as Margarete) and Hunk (as Jacqueline)

Lance’s dad dies

:((((((

now he’s a servant in his own home

in his own home... DAMN

We open up with Keith running away from home bc he is an angsty boy who doesn’t want to be confined to a guilded cage

He ends up at Lance’s farm and steals a horse bc god damn his royal ass horse slipped a shoe

Lance is picking apples in the orchard for his dickbag of a stepmom

Lance is not about to let some stranger steal his fathers horse so of course he throws the apples at the thief

Keith falls off the horse, his hood slips off. Lance straight up just falls to the ground like holy shit I just threw apples at the Prince I hit him on his head oh boy today is the day I die

Keith is like... “here have some money and shut the fuck up I won’t kill you just don’t tell anyone you saw me,”

during his dramatic running away event, Keith meets the guy he’s been looking up to his whole life, Shiro

“Please sir, my father is the king of backward thinking, and you are the very founder of forward thinking,” -Keith

“Captain Shay, do translate,” -Shiro

“Prince Keith suffers from... an arranged marriage, among other things,” -Shay

Royal Guard Captain Shay is amused

Lance uses the money to bring back a servant his stepmom sold away

“You’ll never pass for a nobleman! You’re too nice!” -Pidge

Lance and Keith meet again in front of the castle.

Keith’s a total goner bc god damn look at this nobleman saving servants and quoting Thomas Moore and giving him all sorts of hell he’s in l o v e

“A name, any name,” - Keith

“I’m afraid the only name to leave you with is Countier August de Barbarac,” - Lance

i gave him my fathers name?????????????????????

Lance doesn’t give a shit and a half bc this prince guy is arrogant??

“Yes I know that, you’ve been saying it all day,” - another servant probably

Keith can’t get pretty boy nobleman out of his head & he becomes like... desperate to find him

He’s also getting pretty sick of Rolo throwing himself at him every chance he gets

By chance Keith and Lance meet again by a lake when Shiro spooked the fuck out of Lance by walking on water

“Why do you keep irritating me so?” -Lance

“Why do you rise to the occasion?” -Keith

heart eyes motherfucker

and then Lance leaves abruptly bc he can hear Hunk calling from him from the other side of the lake and lol oops can’t let Keith know I’m a fucking servant bye

Keith is confused

“Why does he keep doing that?”

“Look Pidge! It’s flying!” - Lance with Shiro’s flying contraption

“Idgaf Lance,” - Pidge as they paint

“I don’t know why you’re so happy. The prince might be your brother in law!” -Pidge

“I don’t care,” - Lance

Pidge see’s Keith and Shay riding across the hay field toward them

“Oh? And what would you say to him if you saw him again?” - Pidge

“Your highness, my family is your family, please, take them away!” - Lance

“Well good, here’s your chance! He’s coming this way!”

Lance hides behind a stack of hay

and then

“I believe, your highness, that he’s staying with his cousin! Ah the... Countess Nyma de Ghant!”

“Shit”

“But I can assure you, your highness, that he is there! ALONE! Right now,” - Pidge

“ ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) “ - Keith

And

“Pidge you horrible little snipe! He’s on his way to my house!”

“Then you better run fast!” 

Keith shows up at Lance’s house and Lance is lookin’ fine as hell????

Asks Lance to accompany him to the Monistary where the books are

“It’s not fair, your highness has discovered my weakness, but I have yet to learn yours,” -Lance

“I should think it obvious,” - Keith while staring into the very depths of Lance’s soul

THE WHOLE LIBRARY SCENE

ANGSTY KEITH

LANCE IS SO IN TOUCH WITH HIS EMOTIONS AND SO DEEP AND SO MANY CONVICTIONS I’M SO ANGRY

And then the fucking part where the carriage gets fucked up and they have to walk home and get lost so Lance (to avoid getting his clothes fucked up strips down to his undergarments to climb a cliff to see where they’re going) and then the gypsies attack & Lance fucking pounces on a guy while Keith is kicking ass

and then a gypsy pulls a knife on Lance and Keith immediately gives up

“Please, your quarrel is with me, leave him out of this,”

“I demand you return my things at once! Since you’ve deprived me of my escort I demand a horse as well,” - Lance

“Sir, you can have whatever you can carry,”

Lance picks Keith up and walks away

Gypsies are so amused they let Keith and Lance hang with them for the night

Keith and Lance kiss and the Gypsies loose their shit

Literally everything goes to shit after that night alright Lance punches Rolo in the face, gets whipped and tries to break up with Lance all in like a day (a mess)

Keith is ?????????????

“What do you mean you met with Madam Nyma and Rolo today?”

“What do you mean he’s engaged?”

“To know he was engaged and he damn well should have said something- oh,”

bc Lance tried to just earlier that day but Keith didn’t listen bc he was so in love?????

Nyma is PISSED and locks Lance away in the cellar bc no servant of mine is going to fuck up Rolo’s chances with Prince Keith

The Servants don’t know what to do so they send Pidge to talk with Shiro

Pidge almost dies bc holy shit that’s Shiro?

an artist/inventor/genius god???????????????????

Shiro unlocks the door & saves the day

“why that was pure genius!”

“Yes! I shall go down in History as the man who opened a door!” -Shiro

He also makes Lance a bomb ass costume for the ball

“A bird may love a fish, signore, but where would they live?”

“Then I shall just have to make you wings,” 

Madam Nyma, Rolo, and Hunk roll up to the party

HUNK AND SHAY ARE BOTH DRESSED AS HORSES AND ARE TOTAL GONERS FOR EACH OTHER AFTER 1.3 SECONDS

Right when Keith’s father is going to annouce that Keith will marry Prince who gives a shit of whatever country, Lance rolls up to the party in a bomb ass costume with wings

Keith is a fucking goner and runs to his love

“Please, there is someting I must say before another word is spoken,” -Lance

“Whatever it is, my answer is yes,” - Keith

gdi Keith

Madam Nyma isn’t happy so she drags Rolo toward Lance and rips off his wings

the whole story comes out how Lance isn’t really a courtier and he was just faking it and Keith is hurt?????? August- Lance has been a big fuckin liar????? The shit?

“And you? You are just like them,”

Lance runs away crying. He trips and loses his shoe (SHUT UP THIS IS A CINDERELLA STORY OK THE SHOE IS IMPORTANT) and to add onto the dramatics it starts to rain

Shiro see’s him running away and tries to call out but Lance doesn’t look back???? 

Shiro grabs the shoe and brings it to Keith

Shiro: *deep sigh* BOI

Keith: *angsty angst angst*

“He is your match, Keith!” -Shiro

“I am the crowned prince of ???. I have a sworn duty. And I will not yield!” -Keith

“Then you don’t deserve him,” -Shiro

Back at the farm Lance get’s sold to Sir-dicks-for-brains who’s super lusty for Lance it’s gross

Back at the Castle, Keith is gonna get married to some Prince from whatever

Prince from Whatever is hypervenilating

Keith finally realizes he’s an idiot and lets the other Prince go to his love

He runs out the side door and asks one of Madam Nyma’s other servants where Lance is

“But he has been sold sire!” -servant

“Sold? To whom?” -Keith

“To Sir-dicks-for-brains, your highness, just after the Mask” -Hunk

“Tell no one we have spoken, for all will reveal itself in due course,” -Keith

he runs off with Shay to find Lance

Meanwhile Lance is in chains bc he tried to run away from Sir-dicks-for-brains

Sir-dick-for-brains attempts to molest Lance

Lance gives him a good jab with a sword

“My father was an expert swordsman sir, he taught me well. Now hand me that key or I swear on his grave that I will slit you navel to nose!” -Lance

Sir-dick-for-brains hands him the key and my boi is GONE

Lance has literally just stepped outside when Keith and his royal army show up to save Lance

“What are you doing here?” -Lance

“Rescuing you,” -Keith

“Rescue me? A commoner?” -Lance

“Actually I came to beg your forgiveness, I offered you the world and at the first test of honor I betrayed your trust. Please Lance,” -Keith

“Say it again,” -Lance

“I’m sorry,” -Keith

“No! The part where you said my name,” -Lance

“Lance,”

Lance straight up melts into a puddle

“Perhaps you would be so kind to help me find the owner of this... rather remarkable shoe?” - Keith

“Where did you find that?” -Lance

“He is my match in everyway, please tell me I haven’t lost him,” -Keith

“It belongs to a peasent, your highness, who only dressed up as a courtier to save a mans life,” -Lance

“Yes, I know, and the names Keith if you don’t mind,” -Keith

“I kneel before you, not as a Prince, but as a man in love, but I would feel like a king, if you Lance, would be my husband,” 

EVERYTHINGS GAY AND HAPPY AS LANCE ACCEPTS BC GOD DAMN THAT PROPOSAL WAS ONE FOR THE AGES

Meanwhile at the farm de Ghent

Madam Nyma and Rolo are pissed and learned that Hunk saw the prince after he ran out the side door

“Well how was I supposed to know he’d come flying out the side door! He was supposed to be getting married!” - Hunk

“I heard the prince talked to you, what did he say?” - Rolo

“I can’t be sure... it all happened so quickly... but what I think he said was ‘serves me right for chosing some foreigner over your... brother,” - Hunk

Nyma and Rolo are in a fit of giggles. Hunk is smirking at his own genius

The Royal guard comes to escort the de Ghent family to the Castle where they are presented to the King and Queen

“Madam de Ghent is it true you lied to her majesty, the Queen of ????” - the King

Madam Nyma pales and tries to stutter out an excuse. Rolo tries to save his hide. An arguement esues

“My heavens are they always like that?” -the King

“Much worse, your majesty,” - Hunk

“Hunk, darling, I hate to think you would have anything to do with this,” -Nyma

“Of course not mother, I’m only here for the food,” - Hunk

Shay grins

Nyma and Rolo are stripped of their titles and almost sentenced to the America’s unless someone speaks for them

ENTER PRINCE LANCE

EVERYONE BOWS

“Rolo... I don’t believe you’ve met... my husband,” -Keith

Lance is a good soul who doesn’t have his step-mother or insane step-brother sentenced to the Americas

“All I ask, your majesties, is that you show them the same kindness they have shown me,” 

NOW THEY WORK IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM HECK YEA SON

Some months later

Shiro shows off a lovely paining of Lance

Pidge makes a joke of calling Lance “Your Highness”

Keith doesn’t like the painting

“For a man of your talents... it doesn’t look a thing like him,”

“You sir are supposed to be charming!” -Lance

“And we, Prince, are supposed to live happily ever after?” -Keith

“Says who?” -Lance

“You know... I don’t know,” -Keith

GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

[365-money-diary]

DAYS 77 - 83

DAY SEVENTY-SEVEN

9:00 AM - I arrive at work ready to take my day on. I pour myself a glass of iced toddy and slather some Earth Balance on a piece of toast.

10:30 AM - I attempt to resubmit my $125 check to #NOTSIMPLE now that I have my name correct in their internal system. I also PayPal my mom for my dad’s Father’s Day present. $30

11:00 AM - After doing some light math, I am still on budget for the month which is very relieving after spending so much last week on my health (and those Kobes).

12:00 PM - I’m super hungry, so my colleague and I run to Sprouts. I get a veggie sandwich and pick up a bag of BBQ chips but my colleague says she has a bag at her desk and they keep making her stomach hurt so she offers me the rest. I put back my bag and pay for my sandwich. $4.31

1:15 PM - #NOTSIMPLE notifies me that my check has been accepted and I should see the money appear in my account in one business day.

5:25 PM - I leave work. It’s 115 outside and I want to die.

7:00 PM - We grab Chipotle for dinner. Mine is pretty gross this time. $14.05

8:45 PM - My face really hurts from this sinus shit. I also realized that I forgot to make toddy earlier today, so I’ll probably stop at DD tomorrow on my way in. The high is 118 and there’s no way I’m drinking hot coffee in the morning.

9:30 PM - I read the sample of David Sedaris’s Theft By Finding which is actually just a compilation of his journal entries from 1977 - 2002. I love it and it totally feels like I’m inside of someone else’s brain. I’ll wait until the next time I have some moments to read to buy it. Trying to stretch that skrill.

10:30 PM - Bed.

DAY SEVENTY-SEVEN TOTAL: $48.36

DAY SEVENTY-EIGHT 

8:30 AM - I had a really rough time sleeping last night. I woke up several times with vaginal issues. My pee was burning and it caused a ton of discomfort. I decided to take a regimen of my urinary tract meds in the middle of the night and sleep in the guest bedroom because the dog kept bothering me. At some point, I was able to fall back asleep and my symptoms subsided, but fuck this is going to be a rough end of the month. I try to maintain positive because I’m still within the three days of being allowed to have symptoms for the yeast infection.

8:50 AM - Stop for coffee at DD. I get a cold brew and I use my free beverage reward.

9:10 AM - I roll into the office and make a piece of toast. I am secretly thinking about working the rest of the day from home after this morning meeting because I am really not doing well.

12:00 PM - I stop by Thai Basil and grab an order of veggie red curry to go. $9.67

12:15 PM - Home. I feel like dogshit. I watch an episode of 60 Days In while I eat lunch.

2:15 PM - I haven’t worked yet, but I just need to do one report and relax. I try my best to get it out of the way as quickly as possible.

6:00 PM - Boyfriend is home from work. We hang for a while and then head to AZ Mills to play pinball at Tilt.

8:00 PM - We realize it’s “league night” which stresses both of us out so we play a couple games and peace out.

9:00 PM - We grab Del Taco for dinner. Boyfriend pays.

10:30 PM - In bed. Really tired.

DAY SEVENTY-EIGHT TOTAL: $9.67

DAY SEVENTY-NINE

5:15 AM - The dog won’t stop barking.

5:45 AM - I get up for the fifth time and finally get the dog inside to crate her. I forgot she does this during summers.

7:00 AM - I finally fall back asleep.

9:00 AM - I stop at DD on the way to work because I still don’t have toddy. I get an iced coffee and put it on my rewards card. Still got about $6 left on it!

11:30 AM - My colleagues and I grab lunch at Morning Squeeze. $11.67

3:00 PM I spend most of my afternoon fighting with idiots on the internet. I moderate a vegan facebook page but not anymore. ;)

5:00 PM - I stop by my cousin’s office to run through an AdWords tutorial with her and her boyfriend. It’s always fun seeing them!

6:45 PM - I’m home! Boyfriend and I lounge on the couch for a while and finally end up running over to Tilt to play pinball. It’s a lot more chill tonight because there isn’t a league and the games are half off! We take turns playing Walking Dead and Metallica and leave when they close.

9:30 PM - I am so hungry. I haven’t eaten since Morning Squeeze, so we just decide to order JJ quickly. I pay. $17.99

10:45 PM - We go to bed. I finally sleep all night! Hallelujah!

DAY SEVENTY-NINE TOTAL: $29.66

DAY EIGHTY

9:00 AM - I arrive at work feeling amazing! I pull the grounds bag out of my toddy and pour a fresh glass with a slice of toast. When I sit down, I realize I forgot my phone at home. #Whoops 

1:00 PM - I run to Sprouts after my meeting. I’m really not feeling salad or a sandwich so I twist things up a bit. I find some frozen Gardein BBQ pockets and grab a bag of Kettle chips that are both on sale. Pretty stoked because this will last for two meals. $4.63 

1:15 PM - I need to remember to use the toaster oven for more than just toast. These pockets are amazing!

5:45 PM - I arrive home and watch some 60 Days In. My boyfriend is at the NBA draft right now, so I cherish the alone time to binge on a show he doesn’t like.

7:00 PM - Boyfriend picks me up and takes me to a romantic dinner at Sweet Tomatoes. For once, I don’t overeat and I decide that the place really isn’t half bad. BF pays.

8:00 PM - We arrive home and decide to take it super easy for the rest of the night. I fall asleep around 11.

DAY EIGHTY TOTAL: $4.63 

DAY EIGHTY-ONE

7:45 AM - Boyfriend wakes me up and leaves the house earlier than normal. I eventually roll out of bed, get ready and call an Uber to work. Today we’re team building after work which basically means we’re all getting blasted. $13.08

8:55 AM - I arrive at work, pour myself some toddy, and toast a slice of bread.

11:30 AM - We’re done for the day! We all pack into my boss’s car and head to Gordon Biersch in Gilbert. I order a plate of eclectic veggies and an Ace Pear Cider. Boss covers all of our lunches.

1:00 PM - We head to boss’s house and play with his VR gaming system. It’s really fun but I get motion sick super easy so I mostly watch while everyone else plays.

4:00 PM - We hitch an Uber to downtown Chandler and end up at San Tan Brewery. I get a flight which ends up being unfortunate because most of them are IPAs. It goes straight to my system and I’m definitely buzzed. $10.65

5:00 PM - We head to another bar called Brickyard. My boss subtly dips out while I’m in the bathroom, but my other two colleagues and I decide to keep going. I order a pineapple Pimm’s cup and a side of fries. Our server is also really cool and she gives me bar napkins so I can blow my nose. We take our time with our drink (Or at least I do. One of my colleagues pounds three cocktails.) and wait for my boyfriend to collect us after he’s done from work. $16.97

8:30 PM - I order us Jimmy Johns and cover it as a thank you to my boyfriend for picking us up. $17.99

9:00 PM - We’re about ready to lay down (I’m drunk, lol.) but our across the street neighbor comes over. He’s really distraught. His wife was bit by one of their five dogs and had to have surgery on her hand, and they decided that they need to rehome two of them. One is my dog’s mom and the other is her brother. We offer to come over and hang out with them tomorrow and to post on social media to help them find new homes.

9:30 PM - We are now really wound up and spend the next hour trying to wind back down. Our hearts are sad for our neighbors. I end up buying that David Sedaris diary book to help me zone out. $15.83

DAY EIGHTY-ONE TOTAL: $74.52

DAY EIGHTY-TWO

10:30 AM - I wake up feeling super tired. I guess this is what being super sensitive to alcohol feels like.

11:00 AM - We make our way to Cartel and Einstein’s. Boyfriend treats for both.

11:45 AM - We head to Target to get some miscellaneous stuff. When we arrive, I make a pit stop in the bathroom and instantly start feeling better. I am DJing this afternoon on a patio and it’s 114 degrees out. I buy a couple bins to create some insulation for my records so they don’t melt and a pack of ponytail holders. $16.34

12:15 PM - We then head to a Water and Ice store but they’re out of dry ice, so we head to Smart & Final and grab some from them. Boyfriend pays.

12:30 PM - We stop by Safeway and buy some flowers for our neighbor and a balloon. My boyfriend throws in a fidget spinner as well. He already has one, so why he needs two is beyond me. $23.51

1:00 PM - We stop by the neighbors and visit with them for a while. They’re super grateful for our help and we fight every bone in our body not to adopt Katy’s brother. We take some cute photos and let them know that we’re here for whatever they might need.

2:45 PM - While I pull records for my set and heat up some miscellaneous frozen food, my boyfriend starts to build the insulation bin for my records. It seems like it’s going to work really well!

4:15 PM - I’m out the door with a gallon of Gatorade and water as my records and I attempt to not melt.

5:00 PM - The event is super chill and so fun! They have an upcoming festival and ask me if I’d like to DJ in between bands but I can’t because it’s the same day that we have LCD Soundsystem tickets in LA. I don’t get paid, but I don’t really care. The house throws in a nice grapefruit wine spritzer.

8:30 PM - I’m all packed up and heading home. My boyfriend helps me unload and we head straight to AZ Mills for some pinball action. My game card is finally out of credits so I reload it. $30

10:00 PM - We’re starving. I treat us to Cornish Pasty. Our server is kind of out of it and forgets a bunch of stuff, so I tip 18% instead of my usual 20%. $30.17

11:00 PM - We fall asleep watching a Cold Case Files episode about the Zodiac Killer.

DAY EIGHTY-TWO TOTAL: $100.02

DAY EIGHTY-THREE

9:30 AM - I ask my boyfriend who the Zodiac Killer ended up being and he said the case is still cold. Damn! 

10:00 AM - I post a photo of the dogs on social media and cross my fingers someone bites.

10:30 AM - We head to Cartel and Einstein’s. Boyfriend treats coffee. I grab the bagels. $7.56

11:45 AM - We head back home. Boyfriend takes a nap while I catch up with my sister.

3:00 PM - We head to Ted’s hot dogs to grab lunch. Boyfriend treats.

3:40 PM - It’s too hot. We head home to lay low and let the sun set -- which basically consists of me shuffling back and forth from reading David Sedaris, playing Two Dots, and watching Cold Case Files.

9:00 PM - Usually on Sundays I end up baking something out of boredom, but it’s already late. I snacked on some Ritz crackers and a La Croix so I’m not super hungry either. If anything, I’ll just make some noochy noodles.

9:15 PM - Also some light commentary that so far I’m doing pretty good with this budget of $1500 per month. If I can stick to it, I’ll be saving roughly $1500 per month some of which goes to my future car and some which will go to my savings account and some will stay in my checking account for when I have to do something insane like buy a king size bed or an emergency flight to Chicago.

11:00 PM - I snack on a fig bar and a couple handfuls of veggie straws.

12:00 AM - Zzzz

DAY EIGHTY-THREE TOTAL: $7.56