#bc id just be pissing off my friends
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i am SOOOOOO sick of seeing stuff about god damn ****** ***** EVERY FUCKING WHERE!!!!! i have literally every single iteration of her stupid name blocked on every social media and news platform i am on and YET!!!! stuff about her STILL permeates!!!! ii literlaly will get notifications of posts/articles about her and it's like HELLO!!!! i have that shit blocked!!!! i dont want it!!!! ican't fucking escape it!!!! i don't care i don't CARE!!!!!
#it is. INFURIATING#every single person in the world seems fo be SO far up her ass and its literally seeping into god damn everything and poisoning it ALL#i 👏 dont 👏 want 👏 to 👏 see 👏 it 👏#i 👏 do 👏 not 👏 give 👏 one 👏 single 👏 flying 👏 fuck 👏#the worst part is im like. one of the only people i know with this opinion too so i cant even like. complain about it#bc id just be pissing off my friends#but GOD DAMN I AM SICK AND TIRED!!!!!!!!!#mack rants
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no, i dont think im obligated to still small talk an hour into my meet up with a friend group ive been a part of for 2 years, and i dont think im overreacting or showing a lack of loyalty when im unsatisfied with such a conversation. As someone who hates small talk, that friend group isn't for me, and i get nothing from it, and i will choose not to feel like a weirdo (derogatory) or a traitor (..because we didn't promise each other we'd be together forever afaik), for being unsatisfied and leaving. ive shown them affection (that i didnt fully feel) for as long as i could
#switching to small talk bc i dont vibe with them is something my mom suggested#i know they feel the same but even then i think it feels bad to suddenly end it.#probably bc i dont want them to see how bad id treat them if we werent friends. i dont want them to hate me even more#but also i have to come to terms with the fact i will have no friend group if things go this way#because i dont talk to ppl and better ppl wont magically materialise in my dms#or on the lone forest bench i sit on when biking or at the rpg sessions i go to. bc people there are never my type#ppl on the bench are too rich and sporty and ppl on the rpg are too sigma male#im pretty much only hoping ill meet people in college or at art classes irl. or a convention but i didnt even have time to go this year#i should start meeting ppl online but if i dont show my face (online games) it usually doesnt go anywhere#and if i do show my face (tinder) and i mess up (like you do on tinder which is a risky place)#im losing the limited queer people in my city forever. im using up a very finite resource#i could go to meet ppl on tumblr but we will never go to voice call bc its not what you do here#conclusion: what i should do is join more random fandom discords thru tumblr and wait til theyre on call#(<- option A.)#or wait til im in some classes and join a discord with people from my school but not my class#(<- option B.)#however i dont even want to talk to people#fuck people. im tired of people#theres a number of ways i could make friends but i hate everyone i meet and am constantly pissed off and dissatisfied#i may just be aplatonic#its hard to come to terms with
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i swear to god i really just. i really just wanna tell some people to shut the FUCK UPPPPPPPPP
#like i dont CARE about anything youre saying please just stop it. find someone who asked#id never say anything or treat anyone badly bc of it bc its fucking embarassing and mortifying to be told that#(<- was bullied and had a genuinely horrible 'best friend')#but like IM STILL GONNA THINK IT#LIKE GOD. AUGHHH. I DONT CARE I SERIOUSLY DONT CARE ABOUT A WORD YOURE SAYING CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONEEE#everythjng anf everyone is pissing me off recently and im so over everythjng and my ability to enjoy anything is gone#but wanting yo tell someone to stfu is a constant ♡#words
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so when will the people be getting the most popular ship of DST from you?
aka wilson and maxwell
to put it in the terms of your last two dead fandoms: aroace wilson is like coppermin or garnearl but maxson is the copperright and volleypearl
hopefully the fandom sees you grow out of your anti shell and grow into a popular artist!
how do you even put words together like a deformed salad i'm so infatuated by the way you type also do you like me or something is that why you want me to draw your fave ships so bad :3 too bad i only draw what my gf wants me to 😋 you can ship coppermin or maxson or garnet n pearl dude does it look like i care bc so many ppl here ship all of that idk why you want specifically me so bad to draw it 😭😭😭i know your ass is on twitter too watching my every move like bro get a hobby instead of being so obsessed with me, i'm taken by my lovely gf 💀
anyway aroace wilson and henry rule in my book 😋
#GUYS I KNOW I DONT HAVE TO REPLY TO THEM but they're so interesting like a lab rat.#AND WDYMM copperright already gave me sweet friends im thriving id rather never be popular bc of the shit ive seen lollll#i know i'm probably going insane by this person's asks but thye're fucking funny sometimes im losing it#literally none of this ships are “anti ships” youre so insane they're just not my thing#you need help dude#saying dead fandoms is like trying to piss off a 12 year old who unfortunately got to a fandom late brother im 21 how is that gonna hurt me#ASKS
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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🫠
#i dont wanna go to work today#last night was so uncomfortable and seeing whos working tonight i can sense itll be the same issue again#ans not to mention i have to sit NEXT to the guy please 😭#tbh id rather stay home and work on this other project thats stressing me out instead but 🙃🙃🙃#if i call out sick that also means i cant cover for my friend tomorrow bc i told him id be happy to#but now im uncomfortable it sucks#vent#like. im. fine. safe. but my coworkers were saying really misogynistic comments that i was just pissed off and burned out#that plus racial comments as well so i was just very pissed off till point of exhaustion#it wasnt to ME#But also as someone who is afab and considers herself a girl that shit was uncomfortable#but anyways.#i wanna call off work today just to avoid that#i was so excited yesterday bc it was mostly all the coworkers i really like and then One Guy ruined the entire atmosphere#to a point it was super noticeable i was really exhausted and my friend said he'd take over for me instead#same guy who i was gonna cover#hes honestly so nice. maybe too nice lmao#it started as a good shift before i wanted to start punching things but eheh#whatever i need to work on auditons
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I hate people with dreams because I wish I could give up mine !!
#this isnt' meant to be a deep post im just screaming into the void#im back in the city and there is just this deep sense of dread and I wish I could call my friends and talk abt it but everyone who would#understand is too busy#I have one fren who I think mite but shes busy#I have one midterm this week and im still scared of my prof even tho ik she means well and I rightfully pissed her off last last week#I want to leave the committee I work for completely#I want to leave this school completely!!#aaaaaaaaaaa#I want to go grad school#I also just look online and I wish I went to a diff school than this one#bc my family does NOT have the money for this school if Id just waited and gone somewhere else I would not be in this much DEBT#ik i was in a tough situation a few yrs ago and HAD to just pick a school + get out#but still#I think just. if my life events hadn't been so shit and bad#if I hadn't been in such a Bad place during and after the pandemic id be at a diff school#one that didn't make me feel so BAD and one that didn't put me in so much debt#some of why im pissed off and anxious is lit my fault#I burned some bridges and hurt ppl and pissed them off!!#but yn when u make a mistake and everyone around u will def define u by it#bc me rn#I just need to leave and not come back#or if I do not come back for a long time#I wish I could pack my shit and do the rest of the sem online#the only thing I'd miss is choir bc I love it#all of my friends (most of) are in choirrrr#its the way choir is the only thing that makes me feel good I hATE everything else
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Am i fundamentally inhuman and unlovable and unfit to exist in modern society and actually secretly an evil fake bitch or am i just going to start my period in a few days.
#horse.txt#the world may never know.....#anyway ive felt especially hateful these past few days and im blaming that dream where i told a karen to khs#bc thats just been in my head on repeat ever since at Every inconvenience and i actually kind of hate it#bc i. have noticed it absolutely tanking my mood every time lmao#which makes acting normal (aka Nice) really fucking hard#i want to be i like being nice its like the only thing going for me but also i have SUCH a talent for pissing ppl off when i Let Go#and man. every day it gets more and more tempting. even though i know id regret it.#i just want to fucking. disappear off the face of the earth for 3 years and then come back to my friends n family as a whole person#instead of whatever the fuck i am now#i have nothing to fucking offer except for things im way too scared to give up. i feel like i can only be honest with complete strangers#but even then like. not really lmao#tale as old as fucking time#god i dont want to be here anymore#vent //
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DEVASTATED. bunch of my tags on that texty post got cut off . meaning it doesnt have ALL of what i said
#not gonna adjust it bc it works as is#and tbh . maybe for the better#look . ik the 'i love being a hater' stuff is more common now and i think its GOOD ppl are allowing themselves to dislike stuff#bc thats good!!! self expression is GOOD#but i myself dont wanna do that Personally!#just not my style of things#but id be lying if i said there. ARENT things i go -_- at#and i didnt get fully into that in those tags! just briefly alluded#but also the idea of pissing off more. strict osc members is daunting#i DO have more Stubborn and Angry ideas but those are ONLY unveiled in private#or when i dont think itll possibly piss people off#mostly bc of like. subjectivity and personal stuff! not many peoples business yknow :)#and also i generally just try to curate an environment thatll make people MORE happy#or if itll be upsetting its bc its artistic . you know how it is#im getting off track. hopefully this post makes sense!#(also i CAN tell what the tags were originally abt if asked if so desired but otherwise.#it stays between me and my friends who are kind and listen to me ramble :D)
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had a bad dream and now im in a bad mood. hate how that accidental cranial self-sabotage works
#had this dream where it was like 10 years in the future#and i had become a recluse and never went on social media#but memo and i still talked and we had by this time written like 50 aus together#and one day they stopped responding in chat for weeks and i was so worried#that i went and registered for a new facebook account and looked them up#and for some reason found that there were like a million fan pages for them#turns out theyd been spending the whole 10 years getting famous off our au content#like posting art from it and even writing bits#and as i scrolled down i found like exact jokes or whatever id made too#and there was never any mention of me like… memo had built this empire from Our work#and back when we were dating that was one of the things that pissed me off the most#like their refusal to acknowledge me in general but specifically like#posting either My Literal Joke (they eventually gave me credit but atp i didnt want it i was mad it happened at all)#or like art that only existed bc of our aus and sometimes even art where eddie was wearing an outfit i picked out#and theyd pretend like i just straight up didnt exist in relation to it#and i remember trying to talk to them abt it and said literally even just mentioning its from an au w a friend u dont have to even tag me#just stop pretending like i dont exist ykwim#anyway they were doing that but got EXTREMELY famous like#millions of followers. unrealistic amnts like the kind only billionaires who buy them get#and they were rolling in money. and when i dmd them about it and commented on the fb posts they got deleted n i was blocked#and when i went to our messaging app (it was like discord but not? it was like a mix of discord and google docs)#i found theyd blocked me and deleted our server#the dream changed after that and i was like in my college editing lab but#PISSED ME OFF AND NOW IM IN A BAD MOOD and i HATE when stupid ass dreams make me angry like#bro its a fucking dream 😭😭😭 grow up 😭😭😭#im blaming my lack of sleep. whtv.#i think the thing that makes me so angry is that while this dream wld never happen#well i mean memo will likely be a famous artist but not like this#WHILE this dream would never happen i bet u a million dollars if i redownloaded twitter n went to their page id find a bunch of art#from our aus that do not mention the fact theyre from aus with me LOL
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im still kinda annoyed how anyone i talk to abt my music major plans acts like im out of my mind like is it really so strange???
#like if someone had legit concerns and discussed it with me itd be whatever#but everyone makes this baffled face but they dont voice it??#and they just kinda go with it in that manner of i think youre crazy but ill indulge you and its pissing me off#like seriously#is it bc im going back to school for something not art related?#is it bc im going back to school at all?#its just like#really discouraging you know?#and it makes me second guess myself#but like im sure. ive bene thinking abt this for years as something id like to do even if now is the first time ive seriously looked into ho#how to achieve it#is it bc its out of nowhere? like i havent discussed it with anyone before making a seemingly impulsive decision?#the thing is its not out of no where bc i DID mention this to my mom a couple years ago that i would be interested in doing this#my friend is really supportive but its more like agreeing with me and hyping me up which is nice i need validation at this ppint#but i also want a seeious discussion abt it with someone?#but my mom who ive been talking to abt it the most is just giving me indulging vibes shes not really giving me her opinion#which i get it i get itttt but come on 😭#:(#michi tag
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Girl i think your husband is kinda shitty. He doesn't care about your feelings
nah he's not like that all the time. he's actually v sweet and caring. he's just so goddamn STUBBORN and the frustration usually ends up coming out in the tags of tumblr posts haha
#he'd skip meals to save money to buy me gifts and he'd spend the one (1) day he has off of work making sure i dont#have to lift a finger to do anything by doing it all himself and if he finds me sad abt something he's like aight we're going out even if#its ass o'clock at night and he'd had a long day at work#honestly if i started listing out all the good he does id be here forever but goddamn. gotdamn. its like god saw how stubborn i am and#decided to match me with someone even worse#he got me my favourite food from my favourite takeout place yesterday and told me there was a big dinner thing at work so he wasnt in the#mood to eat so i could eat it all without him. after i was done he was like aight im starving im gonna go heat up some leftovers if there#are some. i was like i thought u said u jad a big dinner thing at work? and he was like yeah the big dinner thing was the work cafeteria but#i never said i ate anything. what a whole butt#ive had food poisoning so i told him to get me meds but also ask his doc friends first which meds would be right for me to go along with the#meds im already on. homeboy went to the nearby pharmacy and got me a suspension syrup for stomach issues. for KIDS under 10.#i was cackling his ass is so dumb sometimes. he was like i got the kids one so it wouldn't react with ur other meds#i was PISSED but also laughing my ASS off so i dont think he got the memo. SIR U ARE NOT A DOCTOR. just bc he's been working alongside docs#for a decade now he thinks he's tough shit. ur an ENGINEER bls stop being so stubborn#asks#ask#anon#tr
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it is a bit scary but ive been in the limbo between not allowing myself to do anything until i get my shit together for too long, which means i havent been "indulging" in anything i really like but only things i've cycled through routine to the point of tastelessness. i am somehow so adamantly resistant against escapism through hobbies or from making myself feel better but also very cowardly in the sense that i'm too afraid of looking at my problems in the eye because my bad mental health bars me from being honest and hopeful (to inspire myself to fix it) to myself because every time i try, i can only hear the "brutal" part of the "brutally honest", and i don't even know if i'm being honest because it's as though i go into this dialogue against myself with an intent to kick myself down. which, i do understand why it happens, but i currently have no energy to "fight" back against it so i just go "yeah. you're right. i AM trash and worthless. i already know this, can we stop bringing this up please?" perhaps from an outsider pov or through a friend's pov i am seen differently, but imagining myself being seen in a positive manner somehow feels delusional because i "know" i'm not being very umm. valuable. i guess skhdjshfjdjf there's definitely stuff going on there
#yuu rambles#therapy stuff#i do notice a running thread of “value” in my head; mostly informed by my mother's words and perspective#of course i have my own values; but in times like these i inadvertently “revert” back to her values of how to judge myself because i'm so#used to trying to appeal to authority figures so i can cope w abuse a little better. but uhhh. it kinda takes a toll i cant lie#shoutout to my dad for telling me i dont bring him any value that was a very cool thing to do. definitely didnt suck or anything#motherfucker was like: one day i HOPE you guys go through what i go through when you have kids and they act like leeches like you guys were#and THEN you'll finally understand. why im so pissed off#i already understand why you're pissed off now but i have no desire to act on it like you did....?#something something a man who has nothing but money feels bankrupt when he has to use it bc nothing else gives him security or love#sorry for the rambling. this has been stewing in my brain for the past 2 weeks but i haven't verbalized it#feels a little good to do so. im crying a bit too but it feels more relieving than anything terrible. i dont feel any strong thoughts#just my sadness passing through my body and me trying to put it to paper to understand myself better#this has been a cry for help but also a literal cry !!! thank you for reading even if you dont say anything#im often too afraid to tell these things to friends because i dont want to be too much too quickly and id feel bad if they felt bad for me#so writing things out like this as if im talking to myself helps a lot. i think
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i fucking hate allos holy SHIT
#❄.txt#'why dont u ever hang out with us :((' i fucking WONDER! could it be the fact that you say 'not you' half the time i try to talk?#or maybe its the fact that you immediately start loudly talking over me when i try to say anything and then your partner completely ignores#anything ive said? or maybe it could be how you run off and leave me and stare at me like im a fucking freak when i try to go up to you?#or maybe its how you say 'what are you jealous 😂' completely unprompted when im minding my own fucking business?#or could it maybe be how you get pissed at me if i sit within 10 feet of your partner despite her being MY FUCKING SISTER?#wow jeez I WONDER WHY I COULD POSSIBLY NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU! such a fucking MYSTERY!#i love writing angst but this is why i literally just cant write about aph being ignored by her friends after they get relationships#this is why they all still hang out with her. bc if i had to write it realistically id start getting violent#like is it THAT fucking hard to just be a good friend?? is it THAT hard not to be a complete asshole???#vent tw
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Every so often I remember the guy in high school who
Asked me out without bothering to confirm if I had feelings for him
A day later messaged me to ask if I thought he was joking and was my answer still no
When I confirmed that I very much did not want to date him asked if there was anything he could do to change my mind
#sybil says#it still pisses me off bc we werent even FRIENDS#he was just stalking me without my knowledge so id be nice to him when he showed up in the same place as me#i didnt even like him as a person#and the selfishness of like.... being so focused on his want that it never occurred to him in any of this that i have a say in it
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