#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

girl-bateman · 5 months ago

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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif

#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here #but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me #id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry #the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things #but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it #like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it #in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues #i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people #i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse #like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex #however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex #it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later #idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on #i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say #which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity #tw #?#diary entries

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