#I want to leave this school completely!!
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I hate people with dreams because I wish I could give up mine !!
#this isnt' meant to be a deep post im just screaming into the void#im back in the city and there is just this deep sense of dread and I wish I could call my friends and talk abt it but everyone who would#understand is too busy#I have one fren who I think mite but shes busy#I have one midterm this week and im still scared of my prof even tho ik she means well and I rightfully pissed her off last last week#I want to leave the committee I work for completely#I want to leave this school completely!!#aaaaaaaaaaa#I want to go grad school#I also just look online and I wish I went to a diff school than this one#bc my family does NOT have the money for this school if Id just waited and gone somewhere else I would not be in this much DEBT#ik i was in a tough situation a few yrs ago and HAD to just pick a school + get out#but still#I think just. if my life events hadn't been so shit and bad#if I hadn't been in such a Bad place during and after the pandemic id be at a diff school#one that didn't make me feel so BAD and one that didn't put me in so much debt#some of why im pissed off and anxious is lit my fault#I burned some bridges and hurt ppl and pissed them off!!#but yn when u make a mistake and everyone around u will def define u by it#bc me rn#I just need to leave and not come back#or if I do not come back for a long time#I wish I could pack my shit and do the rest of the sem online#the only thing I'd miss is choir bc I love it#all of my friends (most of) are in choirrrr#its the way choir is the only thing that makes me feel good I hATE everything else
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Regular Abyssal Hunter downtime activities
#Sorry I haven't posted in ages!#I didn't die my spirit was just wrung out completely leaving me an empty ruined husk#What is the heterosexual explanation for the whole Abyssal Hunter situation#I survived grad school but I came back Wrong#I still know very little about AK but I have read some short stories and now my hollow soul has been filled with AK content#More to come#I want to draw more debauched stuff actually#pixel#digital art#pixel art#artists on tumblr#arknights#art#Skadi#Specter#Andreanna#Alt version later perhaps?
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Do you ever think about how there totally could have been an old classmate of Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth in the audience during like turnabout sister or turnabout samurai. Do you think they would realize? Like “hey, were those the guys in my class in like fourth grade? I kinda remember them. Wonder if they remember each other. But it was so long ago, I doubt they would even care.” Meanwhile Edgeworth and Phoenix are undergoing the most insane mental battles where both of them are going “I recognize my best friend across the courtroom and I desperately want to be close with them again.” And “god he is so god damn annoying I wish he would die already.”
#ace attorney#miles edgeworth#Phoenix Wright#not specifically ship so I won’t tag it but kinda ship if you get it#the classmate usually sits in courtroom trials because they love the drama#and honestly they like miles Edgeworth’s cases cause ‘hey I know that guy’#but of course they don’t like go up and talk to him cause they weren’t really that close and he left kinda abruptly#cause knowing someone for like a year in elementary school and then pestering them about why they left 15 years later is a weird thing to do#course Phoenix comes in and now the classmate now has to deal with the knowledge that the defense and prosecution used to always eat lunch#together and play superhero’s during recess with that really weird kid who was always up to no good#what if one day the classmate was like ‘maybe I should introduce them to each other again. sure that we would all get a laugh or two in and-#-that would be the end of it and they would continue with their lives as normal people. they certainly wouldn’t get super gay and awkward-#-about the whole thing and just be completely chill.’#god what would happen and Edgeworth v state?#the classmate would probably leave the third day like ‘I am a changed person. I can never go back to not knowing so much about this person.’#and like they wouldn’t be able to say or do anything cause like??? how do you even have that conversation???#‘hey I know you don’t remember me but I like sitting in the audience of courtroom trials and I was there for your case and I just want to-#-ask are you good? like honestly do you need someone to talk to?’
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Redraw of chapter 33's cover ^^
alt. ver below
#mmm sorry if it looks a bit rushed#had only less than two nights to complete this ehe#cause it was a school project. ))#wha#tongari boushi no atelier#witch hat atelier#art#agott arkrome#wha agott#digital art#originally planned the sky to be light blue and the setting to be peaceful ish#but i wanted to practice some harsh lighting and clouds and colors#also the leaves were removed cause they were competing for attention with agott ;-;#Have a nice day everyone! ^^#sane's art
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one of my favorite senarios to imagine to put yukio in is sending him 10 years into the future (with the exwires usually) and everyone from their class are like chill adults including himself working their boring ass exorcist job and hes trying to assert dominance over them as the teacher™ but they're all like bro why so serious?
#somehow in my future au i accidently made only the boys active exorcists im so sorry to all the women in aoex#they all passed but i think shiemi and izumo would leave to persue other passions but still be in ajacent fields#like shiemi still runs her exorcist shop#idk what izumo does maybe she still is an exorcist but shes on leave trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life#cuz so much of her adolescence was focused vengence for her family i think she would be kinda lost as an adult#ive said this a bunch of times but rin isnt actually an exorcist for the same reason izumo isnt#ive been kinda muddy on my own timeline but either he passed and left or he dropped out of school and ran away#i think hes like an independent demon slayer like a contract worker#so he still is basically an exorcist but not sanctioned by the vatican like as part of a mercenary guild or something#but he can still take exorcist missions if he wants to but usually its not worth it so he just helps out yukio or bon on their missions#i think after being a literal terrorist yukio got demoted and lost his license for a bit so hes still the same rank as he is now#but now hes medicated and he went to therapy#he has like no memory of highschool to almost a concerning degree and hes generally pretty muted but is still well liked#bon had a completely normal exorcist experience against all odds actually so did koneko except koneko went back to the myoda#and then shima got scouted for his amazing spy skills and works overseas#sorry shima ur not allowed to be an idol that might be the trigger for the bad end#anyway i think teen yukio would hate adult yukio because he thinks hes not allowed to be normal and happy#this is like the 4th time ive made this post like i said its one of my favorites#the reverse is rin going to the past and like tutoring the exorcist class#nobody wants to do yukio psychoanalysis but me so i gotta step up to the plate#jk theres a lot of good yukio fanfics#blue exorcist#ao no exorcist#yukio okumura#rin okumura
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the closest ill ever get to being a pick me girl is the joy that fills me when the chefs at work so clearly favouritise me. like im there nicely cleaned up in my smart-casual uniform just a 20 year old waitress smiling my customer service smile and behind me spawns Scary Dog Privilege 10x in the form of several burly middle-aged chefs at least three of which have criminal records and would all stick a bread knife in someone for bothering me
#like it's really funny bc i worked HARD with back of house bc i knew my job would be significantly easier if they liked me#(it speeds your orders through. you can ask for things without being told to fuck off during a rush. they'll get you food on shift etc)#and also there's a stereotype especially in fancier places where floor staff look down on kitchen staff and i think that's shitty#so i was always going to be try with them and be nice but ALSO when i first started my job it was in a peak era so while these days#we're struggling a lot and have had to employ a lot of college kids that dont know what they're doing#when i joined it was all private school girls that would swan about the place very snootily. so the divide between front and back of hosue#was INTENSE when i joined. and there i was a little state school girlie and the chefs immediately recognised that#and took me under their wing. so even though the class angle doesnt exist so much anymore and theres majority state schoolers#im still very much in with the chefs in a way not many of the other floor staff are. and there's also the fact im not scared of them#like chefs ARE rude and a lot of them DONT like or even respect floor staff but i will GLADLY tell them to fuck off if i think it necessary#and that's a language they understand like ironically there's one chef that doesnt get on with ANY of the waitresses#(i talked about him on another post he's the soup one) but he likes me bc when he tried that rude dismissive act i told him to shove it#and now the other waitresses literally SEND ME TO TALK TO HIM when they have questions/want something bc they know he'll listen to me#and me and the head chef are besties and the one kp will talk OVER THE OTHER WAITRESSES' heads and completely blank them#so she can talk to me and it's all just really funny bc the kitchen staff LOVE me and that's not even me being arrogant#it's like a known thing at work that they love me and im just. a 20 year old 5'2 waitress with my little pearl necklace and blouse#and some tattooed ginger mohawked 6ft chef is there getting angry for me when i come in complaining about a table#or the kp that is literally on probation will give me a sticky toffee pudding and tell everyone to leave me the fuck alone LMAO#hella slaves to capitalism
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I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.
Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3
#personal#i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week#i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here#but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting#i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday#where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get#after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks#but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that#what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed#so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try#because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times#which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even#so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call#from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today#and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out#'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out#because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own#i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still#but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously#so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me#i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but#at least i'd know#anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing#sorry
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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed
my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.
and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.
anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,
I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me
im going by metro which is quite safe
im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18
she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)
anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm
so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?
anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".
and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.
#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play#till 10:30 at night#she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8#this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house#and now that my brother is in class 7#he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30#he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like#one sentence#yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke#up in the house its all my fault#this is just so damn unfair#like literally insulting#im not a child what is her problem#what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up#my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play#5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30#and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude#with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play#im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi#after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other#she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit#and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12#its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how#like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO#istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy#groceries#i can cycle
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finally went and got my GED diploma a year after i graduated :)))))
#the check in woman was like 'come on you cant leave without saying bye first!' and iwas like nonononono please no#she made me go talk to the woman who single handedly delayed my graduated by 6 months.#who is annoying as fuck and super classist and pro college.#when she asked what i do for work i was like 'an educator' and she was like 'oh so you've used the free college credits to get your early#childhood education?' and i was like 'uhhh no. still just as against college as i was last year. i don't plan to be an educator for long.'#and she goes well what do you want to do (not your fucking business lady. at all.) and then when i said 'anything' bc real people don't hav#the choice of their dream job or nothing. real people have to just take whatever is available to them--esp in our dead town.#and she was like 'oh come on in during the summer! I'm here for summer school! can take a bunch of tests to find out what your dream job is#can figure out what colleges youd like!'#i was just like ''yeahhhhhh. anyway have a good day' and fucking left.#i was actually debating going to college just a month ago. for the first time in my life i was seriously debating college bc it was my#choice and n oone had been pushing college to me for years. and then she starts this bullshit and im even more anti college than i was in#highschool#anti college#college is a scam#not to mention 'come in during the summer to take completely unnecessary summer school after youve graduated with almost a perfect score'#???? seriously how entitled do you think you are to my time?#i have work this summer. i have plans this summer. and even if i didnt i sure as fuck wouldnt spend my time being preached at about how#im wasting my life and dooming myself to poverty bc i dont want to go 6 figures in debt#and lost 4+ years of time i could be earning wages.
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You learn to live with it, learn to love it if you can (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#ZEX#Dexter Favin#I 👏 want 👏 ZEX 👏 to be 👏 happy!! 👏#I want him to be hale and hearty and living his best life!! I want him alive and well!!#Professional Take-ZEX-Out-of-Situations-er* *(Not actually paid to do this I just feel very strongly about my volunteer work)#Lol#To do with my love towards Max as well? I'll never tell (yes)#Thinking about a ZEX that managed to get back up on his feet with Dex et al's help and start to make a life for himself#Gets into human fashion and goes back to school and makes friends and kisses people <3 It makes me happy#It's not a complete blank slate-start over but if he was able to come out from under everything - persevere - I'd like to see what he'd be ♥#It's also enjoyable to think about his rise out of pain into something neutral - and then from neutrality to something positive#Going from constantly being afraid and isolated and sad and lonely to a kind of passive disinterest#Very much the stages of grief#Coming up into acceptance - I wonder how isolated he would feel from his life as Admiral ZEX :(#Moments where he's still very far away. Our scars never really leave us they just fade little by little#And some things that he'll never get to experience as a human like depth perception and parallax haha#But still <3 Growing into what Max never had the chance to be ;;#Still not making his parents ''proud'' or whatever |P Dex just happy he's showing initiative and y'know - interest in existence#I do like the idea that he still calls him DAX - the one thing he can't give up completely - but it becomes something like an inside joke#A painful one but a kind of wink and a nod that they both Know#Things will never be the same but they're both taking each day as they come - together#Hhhhh even just little bits of happiness ;; I just want them to be A Little happy
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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#just got some of the scariest news of my life#my dad is in the ER and is being transferred for emergency surgery#and im at school. on call. so i can't leave. in a completely different city.#apparently 85% survival rate if its caught quick#god i hope it was caught quick#i just really love my dad man hes the person i talk to the most and will listen to me talk about all my favorite random stuff and engages#with me about it and he's the person i look up to the most in the world probably and im just so scared because im so far away and i cant do#anything but trust the doctors#im just. so scared#and apparently hes in a lot of pain right now and i just. don't want this to happen#and i just want to go back to when i saw him a few hours ago when he was fine and make sure that he stays fine#and idk. rough night.#prob deleting this in the morning but i hate telling people im scared irl and i need to tell someone that im freaking tf out actually and#that this feels like the worst thing to happen in my life#anyways yeah. going to try to not exist for awhile and pray that i dont run into anyone with eyeliner tear streaks and snot all over my fac
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane
(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)
#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school#so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away#i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute#and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with#someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over#so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job#not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people#and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie#or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn)#so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired#i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family#but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying#and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home#logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do#i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out#and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years#i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year#i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out#even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times#and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable#i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something#plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later#vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space#and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year#and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends#so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything#i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything#but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know#i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to#vent
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woke up and was like haha what if i changed my major (again) lol i think it could be soooooo cool if i said fuck it right now and became an art major because idgaf about anything anymore hahaha. but that is the devil speaking.
#ughhhhhh like. i’m gonna be honest i don’t really care abt psych that much but i DO care a lot abt sexology But i have to go to grad school#for that :( and that costs money :( and rn technically i’m getting paid to get my bachelors and would continue getting paid if i just…#added a second major and kept going even though i’m set to graduate in december#but also idk if i could i handle staying here. but it would probably be more fun bc psych doesn’t supper duper interest me i’m just taking#to get it over with so i can study sexology. and i mean if i changed my major rn i’d only have like 2 psych classes to complete when#i wanted to graduate……. and i could take fun classes………#but idk. i’m just thinking. i don’t think i could really handle staying here longer but also like i said w my current situation i am#getting paid to go to school and that could last like. another 2 years? if i pushed it that far. but oughjhhh i want to leave#here so badly. but maybe it’s just bc i’d rather be taking different classes? ugh idk it would also be a hassle to change classes rn#but it’s not like i haven’t done that like twice before lmao
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the thing about the french government is nobody in it has a fucking brain and every law has loopholes that anyone other than a politician can spot in 4 seconds of thinking about it
#so they're making a new law to Completely forbid the use of cellphones in schools because blahblah kids on social media Bad#and it's like. the kids are gonna have to put their phones in a locker for the day and get it back when they leave for home#and i'm sitting here like. So if i was a kid who wanted to keep having and using my phone at school#i'd just show up with 2 phones. my 'real' one and like. an old one i don't use anymore or sthg#hand the old one in to be put in the locker while i keep my real one hidden on me#sorry just thinking of all the effort energy and money that's gonna be spent on something any kid with 2 braincells will bypass#when there are much more important things to worry about and fix in our school system
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