#bc i shouldnt be so worried right?
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johnathancactus · 19 days ago
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just putting this here bc im feeling a bit frustrated with myself right now & talking at nobody helps
cw: not eating enough, & thusly not feeling great; general health; body health; venting
i always feel bad about being so concerned about my health when everybody says im healthy bc i know im not--for context: i probably have arfid & have big issues w food texture to the point where i struggle to eat much of any meat/protein & other vitamins
in the past (before i started taking vitamins & iron supplements) i used to always be dead tired. i knew i wasnt depressed but it was more just that i could barely make my body do anything?? it even got so bad once that i couldnt move my arms for like 3 minutes (which was fucking terrifying bc it came out of nowhere). i used to feel like i was hollow--like there was nothing behind my face but skin & bones. i used to feel sick looking at my body bc i felt like i looked more like a skeleton than a person. i lowkey felt like my body was corroding & eating itself--i wasnt dying but it felt like it
so i was like "oh shit" & started taking vitamins & iron (even though my doctor said my blood work was fine??), and stopped feeling quite as much like death, yay! but even still im usually exhausted & feel like shit... like i still struggle to eat enough and its just frustrating bc i dont want to talk to people about it a ton? i have a bad habit of obessng over my health (prob bc i dont usually feel awesome) & i get by enough to where i seem fine? sometimes im not even sure if im just making this bigger in my head (granted, while im typing this my hands are shaking bc i havent been getting enough to eat lmao) but most people think im making it a big deal? idrk man... like i know i get anxious, & my doctor keeps telling me that im fine, but i still usually feel like shit (not like im dying any more, though! win!)... like people tell me i need to stop worrying about my health but like idfk.... its hard to not worry when i feel like im in the lowest possible bit of qualifying as "normally healthy".... ugh
like i qualify as "fine", but if i eat a meal too late my abdomen becomes concave?? like i know this is a Thing, but it happens to me pretty regularly which makes me tweak tf out because like??? is that realy normal????
its also hard because as a woman, people always go "omg ur so skinny!!! ur so pretty <3 <3 i wish i had ur body!!!" (i'm 5'8" & 104 lbs) because i feel so guilty for wanting to gain weight? i should want this right? like so may people want to be like me--even though i feel sick & dead all the time... like you shouldnt want this--or should i not want to change? sometimes i wonder if i should give up bc it took me 2 years to gain 10lbs...
maybe i just should talk to my therapist about it sometime instead of my ocd idfk... i just want to feel Healthy again.. i feel like its been years since ive felt energized and alive... since i havent felt like i could die if i ended up missing a meal... since i havent been able to see my hip bones stick out like im dying (looking at them makes me feel sick to my stomach)... since i havent felt as if my own body was eating itself... ugh
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isa-ah · 3 months ago
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met a really cool queer stranger today that i thought was just so fucking neat i wanted to talk but if we were playing tennis they were, with the most gentle and earnest voice ive ever heard, shoving the tennis racket down my throat. every compliment or joke i made was turned away but in the sweetest way possible that made me sound like an absolute asshole lunatic. it was so scary.
#i tried so hard to be funny and nice but the way they replied to each thing i said made me feel like a scumbag LOL#ive never had that happen before. im very polite when i talk to strangers and i was being very polite then too!#i dont think they even saw it happening in realtime bc they were so calm and even keeled about it#but my god. still thinking about it. absolutely rattled me.#'ur so cool' 'oh its not the olympics. everyones cool. ur cool too' 'haha ur right yet ur still winning' 'hm. its not a competition.'#i was trying to make you laugh im sORRY i was being goofy when i said that i promise i did not say it straight#'you have so many cool tattoos' 'oh ive got a couple tattoo artist friends' 'oh thats so cool. maybe i could get a foot in the door'#like obviously as a joke but they replied gently 'you shouldnt seek friends out just to get something from them.'#NO I KNOW I KNOW IM SORRY IT HAPPENS TO ME CONSTANTLY I KNOW TRUST ME#i panicked and was like 'oh haha no i wasnt serious dont worry. im an artist so i know the feeling.' but i guess it came across as like#yknow. bc they just went 'hm.' and pulled out their phone#FUMBLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so embarrassed#the worst part was id been talking to someone in the back who makes familiar plushies and shed set a few out#so i was talking to them while i was trying to pull up her insta to look up more info about one of the familiars#bc it looked SO FUCKING COOL and i stood there saying that to my husband right in front of them after this legendary fumble#finally pulled up the insta post for it and. they own that one. its theirs. they dressed it like that. i was so fucking embarrassed skdjfks#i wanted to look at the pricetag bc i assumed it was there bc she HADNT sold it yet#god. legendarily embarrassed.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months ago
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...
#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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alexanderpearce · 25 days ago
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When the overwhelming misery hits
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skunkes · 9 months ago
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I mean this vent completely neutrally and as an observation rather than Woe is Me negativity but going ham in my sketchbook has been Fun but along with not really Learning anything (tho historically no art knowledge ever sticks to my brain) I'm no closer to understanding how I WANT to draw! if that makes sense.
I dont really identify with or want to continue any of the patterns I try (nor do they get any more muscle memory-y, in the fundamentals area).
Its fine as long as its Fun but I really feel the aimlessness. Like I'll keep going but I've also. Been doing that. All I do is Keep Going, when does it all tetris together!
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youthoughtiwasserious · 7 months ago
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Is anyone else experiencing mobile ads that are unmuted & start playing audio as soon as they come on your feed?
I keep hitting the mute button, but each ad I get still shows as unmuted & starts playing whatever music/audio it has in it. I'm almost positive I remember being able to mute one ad, then all other ads that pop up on my feed were muted, too. That no longer seems to be the case.
I wonder if this is a glitch or intentional. Somehow I have the feeling it's the latter, and if that's the case, that's scummy.
I'm less concerned about the minor inconvenience of having to lower/raise my volume whenever I want to watch a video then reminding myself to lower my volume again so I don't get jump scared by an ad later, & more concerned that it is an ad that is automatically unmuted & starts playing whenever it shows up on my feed.
I should have the option to keep my Tumblr browsing experience silent without having to lower my phone's volume all the way down. If I want to hear something play on my feed, I should have to unmute it myself vs. having it be unmuted for me unexpectedly.
Come to think of it, I feel like since I've started experiencing this issue, I've noticed more ads on my feed. Maybe I'm noticing them more bc now they have audio and catch my attention more often, or it could also be that they've just added more ads recently in addition to making all ads play sound whether you muted the previous ad or not.
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itsalwaysdark · 4 months ago
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sighhhhh made an entire schedule for an imaginary 3mo baby. and wrote down a bunch of notes about how to take care of my imaginary 3mo baby. but then i got rly sad bc i started writing notes about how im going to be working 8 hours a day 5 days a week during the majority of the babys awake time and now im a bit sad . whatever
#Im not having a baby anytime soon i just like planning and researching and thinking about my imaginary baby that i might never actually have#makes me so happy#i do have a disease where i just cant fathom Another person being there. so if there is thats gonna muck up my schedule potentially...#but. i think daycare is a good option if i can find a nice one that i can afford. hooooopefully by the time i have a baby ill have a good#paying job and obviously if there is another parent thatll help with like. money and stuff#sigh idk im trying not to think abt it more but my little momey earlier reaffirmed to me idk if im ever actually going to be able to be in#romantic relationship and that might be for the best. and also idk im just very paranoid that even if i do magically get uncrazy and fall i#love with somebody and im well adjusted enough to have a kid likee. what if they end up being abusive or neglectful of the baby. you know.#its one of my biggest fears obviously id like. talk In depth abt having kids w them before we have kids and wed work out plans and schedule#together but im just very paranoid basically. but. it doesnt actually matter bc this is all imaginary and Again might not even happen.#im also. hrmm. bc obv a big costsaver daycare wise would be having my parents watch the baby if im living in the same area. however#i have very very specific rules for how ill interact with my baby and i dont know if i trust. my parents. to interact with them the right w#like mainly when they get older one of my big things is that i never ever ever want to yell at my baby i never want to like. yk. i dont wan#to Snap or get angry ik its normal to get overwhelmed and overstimulated but i dont want my kid(s) to like. see me being overwhelmed or#upset w them. you know. but i dont know if i can trust my parents not to snap at my kid . yk. not that i dont want them to meet my kids i#i love my parents despite All that but. idk if id be comfortable leaving my kid alone with them the majority of the day.... yk. maybe#weekend visits once the kids older but i will be Sitting my parents down and Lecturing them . abt how to treat my kid#ik ppl r usually better as grandparents than as parents tho. so hopefully they like. idk. im just very paranoid abt if i do get to have kid#if i do reach a place where i can have kids and take care of them properly like i rly rly want to im rly worried abt like. i just want my#kids to be happy and welladjusted and have a good life And well see this is part of the reason im not ready for kids is bc i place too many#expectations on them already. and i shouldnt go into having a child w a savior complex i shouldnt have a kid for the gratification of#being the one to give the kid a good life. not that i shouldnt want to give the kid a good life but like. you know what i mean. i shouldnt#have a kid just so i can vicariously live out a happy childhood through them. you know. which i fear might be what im subconsciously doing
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snekdood · 1 year ago
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i just think hes neat
#im basically just broly if he was smaller and shorter and whinier with elf ears#so what im saying is im basically broly and kish fused dsfnbvsvdhgfshgdgfhv#kish minus all the weird creepy shit#maybe links in there too. oh oh and beast boy obvs.#idk who else#maybe a hint of goku bc im worried i have the same dumb drive to challenge myself and push my limits or whatever#at least i wont endanger my family............................................................ right? right???#my bf was wondering why i identify w broly bc of him blowing up that one planet or whatever#(never mind the entire galaxy he blew up tho ig) but thats obviously not the reason.#its the whole 'becoming an invincible destructive force of nature that has bouts of wanting to Break Things often and usually bc#of being pushed to that edge by other people' thing#you dont get it u-u i need to go to one of those places where i can SMASH shit u--u. im just that kinda guy u---u.#and sometimes it is fun to imagine smashing ur enemies even though you probably would never do that and in fact imagining it#satisfies you enough kinda deal yaknow#as cheesy and on brand as it is for me rn i just love destroying shit and i always have im sorry im this way blame god ik i have been#maybe he shouldnt have made the sound of rocks crumbling and glass breaking etc sound so good huh? ya ever think of that??#anyways i find when i suppress these emotions it just boils up until i explode which i think only leads to more of a chance of me actually#hurting someone instead. when i pretend to be cute and flowery and people pleasey- it only makes me more resentful. but thats the#only version of me people seem willing to tolerate. and i dont think they realize how much THAT makes me resent them too#im not an innocent frail delicate uwu bean i will literally eat you 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪#idk. its not like i want ppl to fear me either. but sometimes it feels like thats the only way to stop ppl from disrespecting me#maybe if ppl didnt assume me being nice and Not trying to start fights is a sign of being weak maybe i wouldnt feel like its necessary#to intimidate ppl to scare them away from me.#i promise babe you are Not getting away with it- i just know better not to start a scene. especially among other whities like me#yall will be vocally violent about whoever behind their backs over and over and if im the guy who actually confronts you suddenly im#the only one being an asshole. im simply playing YOUR game with you. you wanna be dishonest and hide behind a fake smile then so will i#and ill just sit here and wait until you break. and then everyone can call you crazy and confrontational instead!#i hate white people (yes ik i am a white people... doesn't mean i cant hate the way a lot of white ppl act)#things could be so much easier if you weren't a coward and just spoke your mind about how you distrust me and how quick you were#to find reasons to back up your mistrust. we coulda ended it there and avoided eachother. but now we gotta pretend we like eachother ig.
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violentdevotion · 1 year ago
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i love your actimel fridge posting keep it up
:D thank you !!!! Its more full than usual right now because the other day i went shop and got some and today my brother went to get groceries and my mum told him to get me some actimel while he was there so for at least the next 2 weeks i should be good on actimel !!!!
#laetitia tag#avds.got.mail#whats worrying me a little thought is i have work tomorrow (i only work on sundays. during the weekday i do this taci passanger assistant#thing but i hate it sooo bad it makes me sooooo car sick so while one day a week was okay while i was in uni and lived at home and only rly#needed money to buy myself treats. its not working now that im free the entire week and want to get out of this house and also dont get#student finance moneg every 3 months)#anyway yeah i am looking for a weekday job now too. BACK to the point. on sundays when i buy lunch i buy a sandwich OR wedges / a pastry f#from greggs#2 packets of crisps and nomadic oat chocolate and honeycomb yoghurt#i eat the main and one crisp packet during my lunch and then keep the other packet and the yoghurt in my bag#(which is probablg a bad idea since yoghurt shouldnt be out of a fridge for longer than 2 hrs but ive been doing this for weeks and have#survived so idk) and when i get home un sundays i usually eat the other crisp packet and yoghurt in my room and go to sleep#(< tradition that started from the time i did an all nighter before work to write an essay due that day and told myself at work i can go#home and sleep and i liked it so much i continued the napping thing minus the all nighter)#BUT my driving instructor cancelled on me yesterday and offered to do tomorrow at 5pm instead to make up for it since he usuallg doesnt do#weekends. and i get off work st 4:20 and get home before 5pm usually. and i agreed since i havent had a lesson in a few weeks now#BUT that means i need to refridgerate mg yoghurt or else itll be out of the drige for THREE/FOUR hours#and right now theres no soace in my mini fridge bc of the actimel#so im a little worried about that#having my problems is really fun actually i cant wait for god to throw some real curveballs at me like a broken loghtbulb ir smth#edit: posted this and looked at how long the tags are... girl......
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huellitaa · 11 months ago
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𓍢ִ໋♡𓂃 ࣪ ִ receiving your blessings! ୨🧸୧
˚₊‧꒰ა roots ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
• feeling guilty about being given things you supposedly "dont deserve", like lots of love or gifts or whatever it may be, comes from a lack mindset.
• that is where you feel there is not enough of these things like love, gifts, money, etc. to go around. you think of the world as though there is always "not enough" and feel the need to push away the blessings you receive for someone or something else, or hold on to every little scrap of everything you find bc you fear you wont find it again.
• this comes from having a lack of things like love, money, affection, etc. in childhood and continues on as you grow up & get older.
one thing i've noticed is a lot of people actually treat this as a normal thing to push away the things youre given because you think "this is too much" or "i dont deserve this" or anything along those lines.
🧸𓂃 ࣪˖ "i dont feel worthy of this" if you werent worthy it wouldnt be given to you. everyone and everything comes into your life for a reason, good or bad, and its your job to accept that and learn the lesson that comes from said thing or person. if someone offers you a gift, money, a job offer you've wanted, etc. if you know its safe then take it !!
── there are people with less money than you, less talent than you, less potential than you, out living your dreams just because you were too scared to take that opportunity you were given and just go for it. dont look back and think "oh, i should have taken that". dont let yourself have regrets when you know you can avoid them. life is to be lived, not feared.
🧸𓂃 ࣪˖ "im not sure if i should" the opportunity wouldnt arise if it wasnt 100% certain it would benefit you in someway. obviously if you feel its sketchy or unsafe for whatever reason stay away from it and obviously do not go through with it or take it but if you know its safe and fine but youre still not sure then what are you doing!!! take it!!!
── you are refusing the gifts being given for what? worry? worry about what? who are you to doubt the gifts you are being given when you know its safe and you should take it? would you be concerned if someone gave you a gift on your birthday? this is the same thing. every day is your birthday if youve got the right mindset 🫶
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🧸𓂃 ࣪˖ "someone else deserves it more" what. think if you got a present on your birthday and it was something you'd wanted for aaaaages. would you sit there and think "no, someone else deserves this more than me"? if the answer's yes then you need to get your priorities straight ml im sorry. this was given to you for you. why are you doubting the universe- the world????? what???? girl what
── ok this can go two ways. if its something someone else genuinely needs because they dont have it and could heavily benefit from like fresh water, a job offer, a housing offer, fresh food, i would give it to them if i already had those resources for myself too because everybody needs those. they're basic necessities to live & thats basic empathy. but if its something you dont need to live but really really want and are being given the chance to obtain then what. are you doing. girl. take it! what is your problem!
🧸𓂃 ࣪˖ i think if you find yourself saying or thinking these things often, pause for a second and ask yourself why you think this. is it something to do with growing up, the people around you, your financial status.. whatever it may be, it always helps to find the root of the problem. ♡
treat yourself to whatever you wish! you deserve it just because you are alive. that is a difficult task in itself. you deserve it just because you want it. you work so hard, so why shouldnt you have the things you want? take that gift, take that money, take that date, take that offer. life is too short to regret what you could have had 🫶💕
lots of love 💘
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httpsdana · 3 months ago
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can you do arda güler with prompt 1 and 2
where the reader is sad and just thought comforting herself with arda's shirt/sweater bc he was at training or some abd he was joking about that she shouldnt wear his clothes but she was actually so sad that she thought he's serious so she tries to take it off and he reaizes somethings not right and tries to comfort her
thank yuuu
Comforting Embrace~Arda Güler
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・❥・prompt list
・❥・masterlist -> part 2
・❥・who I write for
1-“Is that my t-shirt?” 2-“Come here.”
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The day had been one of those that left a heavy ache lingering in your chest. y/n had tried distracting herself with anything she could—reading, tidying up, even watching some mindless show on TV. But all she really wanted was for Arda to be there with her. However, he was at training, and she knew it would be hours before he returned.
In a quiet moment, missing him more than usual, y/n made her way to his side of the closet, searching for something familiar.
Her fingers grazed over one of his oversized t-shirts, a soft, faded one he often wore around the house. Without much thought, she slipped it on, sighing as his scent surrounded her. It was calming, comforting, a small reminder of him that somehow made things feel a little bit lighter.
She curled up on the couch, pulling the shirt closer around her as if his scent and the warmth of his shirt could fill the void left by his absence. Hours seemed to pass in a blur as she sat there, trying to find comfort in the feeling of his shirt against her skin.
Eventually, y/n heard the front door creak open, and soft footsteps made their way into the room. She looked up, catching sight of Arda, his hair slightly damp from a shower, a small, familiar smile playing on his lips as he walked over to her.
“Hey, love,” he greeted warmly. But as he got closer, he raised an eyebrow, a playful look in his eyes. “Is that my t-shirt?” he teased, chuckling as he watched her.
At any other time, she would’ve laughed it off, maybe even joked back. But today, the words hit differently, stirring an unexpected feeling of guilt.
Maybe he hadn’t wanted her to wear his clothes, and she'd overstepped somehow. y/n bit her lip, hesitating before reaching to take it off, feeling a weight in her chest she couldn’t quite explain. “I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—” she stopped, swallowing hard as she tugged at the hem.
Arda’s smile faded instantly, replaced by a look of worry as he watched her, his eyes softening as he caught the hurt in her expression. He quickly stepped closer, reaching out to place a gentle hand over hers, stopping het from taking the shirt off. “Hey, no, don’t,” he murmured, his voice low and comforting. “Come here.”
Before she could respond, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest. The warmth of his embrace was immediate, grounding, and she felt his steady heartbeat under her cheek as he held her close. y/n closed her eyes, letting out a shaky breath as his hand stroked her back, slow and soothing.
“Why would you think you have to take it off?” he asked softly, his voice laced with concern. His hand moved to gently tilt her chin up, his thumb grazing her cheek as he looked into her eyes. “I was only joking, love. You can wear anything of mine you want, whenever you want.”
A few tears slipped down her cheeks, and Arda’s expression softened even more. He leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, lingering there as he whispered, “I’m so sorry if that made you feel bad. I would never mean it.”
She managed a small nod, sniffling as he held her tighter, his arms steady around her. “it's not that Arda, I just… missed you,” she admitted, her voice barely a whisper. “And everything today felt like too much, and I… I just needed something that felt like you.”
He held her face gently in his hands; his eyes tender as he wiped away her tears with his thumbs. “You should’ve called me,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to one cheek, then the other, each touch soft and comforting. “I would’ve come right away.”
She shook her head, resting her forehead against his chest. “I didn’t want to bother you.”
“Hey, you could never bother me,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “I’m here now. I’m always here when things get too hard, okay? You don’t have to go through any of it alone.” He pulled her into another hug, wrapping himself around her as if he could shield her from anything that weighed on her.
They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other in the quiet, his arms strong and reassuring. Eventually, he pulled back just enough to press his lips to hers in a soft, lingering kiss, a gentle reminder of his love and presence. He pulled away only slightly, his forehead still resting against hers as he whispered, “I love you so much. Never doubt that, alright?”
A small smile crept onto her face, her fingers tangling in his hair as he leaned in for another kiss, this one deeper, filled with all the comfort and affection he wanted to give her. His hands slid down to her waist, pulling her closer, and she felt the weight she'd been carrying start to lift.
As the kisses grew softer, he pulled back, his hands framing her face as he pressed his lips to her forehead, cheeks, and finally, back to her lips. “Come on,” he said softly, guiding her to curl up on the couch beside him. He wrapped his arm around her again, pulling her close against his chest as she nestled in.
With her head resting on his shoulder, his arms holding her securely, and his hand rubbing gentle circles on her back, y/n felt herself start to relax fully. Arda placed one last kiss on her head, murmuring, “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I’ve got you.”
Wrapped in his arms, the world felt a little less heavy, and for the first time that day, she finally felt at peace.
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savannahsdeath · 1 year ago
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heyyy could u write something where like reader is about to shower but starts to get really insecure and kinda has a breakdown, BUT ellie reassures her. (pls also give reader stretch marks bc i've been so insecure abt mine lately and i have them literally everywhere. thighs, hips, even on my boobs lol) <3
ELLIE WILLIAMS X INSECURE!READER
mdni please<3
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warnings: 18+!! but tbh its minors safe this time i think ??
writers note: just a reminder youre all beautiful no matter what!! beauty standards or wtv was it called are something we shouldnt base our life on but we sadly do. self love is the key to happiness and dont let other people ruin it!!🩷🩷and to our lovely anon, you dont need to worry about stretch marks. trust me, most of people dont even pay attention to them! its nothing 'special in a bad way'. i lately got some too, right before my holidays and theyre sooo visible through my summer clothes but its something you can get used to be comfortable with. please, anon, dont think less of yourself because of them nor any other insecurities. and this comes to everyone!!💞
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it was already late so you were getting ready to take a shower to not waste any more time. you put your clothes on a nearby shelf. you stood in front of the mirror in your underwear only, looking for anything that could be possibly pointed out, like you didn't have enough insecurities already. feeling rather self-conscious, you were examining your reflection for any flaws or imperfections. every detail of your body was being inspected up-close, from the lines on your stomach, to the size of your thighs, to the shape of your shoulders and face. your eyes were scanning every inch of you, seeking any signs of something you could hate, even if others wouldn't notice them. you couldn't help but wonder if the things you were stressing over were even worth worrying about, or if you were just creating problems where they didn't exist.
either way, you couldn't help but hate them. and since you mostly focused on bad things and you didn't see your advantages - you hated yourself. in your eyes your whole body could change. or even should change.
the more you stared at yourself in the mirror, picking apart every little thing, the more you hated what you saw. it felt like nothing was good enough, like every little imperfection needed to be changed or worked on. you felt like you could never measure up to this impossible standard, like your entire body was inadequate. the insecurities were eating away at you, gnawing away until any confidence or self-love you might've had was gone.
that was the moment your eyes beginned to get glossy. you didn't cry though, oh, no. you hated the way you look when you cry, just like everything else, so you tried your best to hold back tears. the floodgates were beginning to open, but you held them back with everything you had. you despised the way you looked when you cried: the tears down your cheeks, your puffy eyes, all those disgusting, revolting imperfections. as much as you hated your flaws, you despised your crying face even more. you would never let anyone see you like that, never.
suddenly, your girlfriend and roommate in one, knocked on the door. "everything okay in there?"
she must notice you're taking your time instead of simply taking a shower already.
you stayed silent, knowing if you try to open your mouth you couldn't control what comes from them. you'd probably break down and the thick door won't be enough to mute your pathetic sobs.
you didn't want to answer, but then again, you knew if you stayed quiet, your girlfriend would eventually come in and check on you. you had to keep yourself together. you couldn't fall apart right in front of her like that.
you let out a shaky breath and replied, "yeah, everything's fine." you could feel your voice cracking with each word, but you were determined not to let her see you in such a sorry state.
what if she sees me the way i see myself?
your girlfriend wasn't fooled by your shaky reply. even if you denied it, she knew something was wrong. she heard the emotion in your voice and could sense the struggle to keep yourself together. without another word, she opened the door and walked in.
"what's wrong, pretty girl?" she asked when she didn't saw your glossy eyes yet.
you, on the other hand, couldn't control yourself anymore. the nickname 'pretty girl' hit you instantly, thinking you're anything but pretty.
pretty.
girl.
those two words hit you harder than a punch to the gut, evoking a strong reaction that you tried to mask. you took a deep breath to steady your voice so that you didn't break, but it was impossible to sound completely calm when you felt so much pain just from those two words.
"nothing." you muttered quietly, but your voice sounded more like a choke than a word.
she hugged you from behind, looking in the same, unlucky mirror. her hands softly touched the scretch marks on your hips as she hold onto them, gently rocking you back and forth.
you wanted nothing more than to reject this hug and flee from your own reflection in the mirror, but you were too weak to pull away.
"nothing?" she asked gently, planting little kisses from your neck to shoulders.
you felt a wave of shame and embarrassment wash over you as your girlfriend's touch revealed the marks on your hips. she immediately spotted them and caressed them with her soft hands.
it all felt too much. you were fighting so hard to hold yourself together, but when she touched you, it all came crashing down. the tears finally escaped and you began to sob, clinging onto her tightly as you broke down. "no... not nothing..."
she held you close, feeling your warmth as her arms wrapped around you and her hands comforted your pain. she rubbed your back and kissed your neck as she tried to soothe you. "shh, come here, it's okay..." she whispered gently.
she led you over to the bed and laid you down. she carefully took off her shirt, leaving on only her bra and boxers, then laid down with you, hugging you tightly. she kissed your neck, your face, brushed your hair back, caressed your body, your stretch marks, your insecurities (at least the ones she knew about), anything to try and comfort you. she whispered words of reassurance and love as she tried to fill you with the affection you felt you lacked. "i love you, my pretty girl... i love you." she repeated those words again and again, hoping you'd believe that someone could love you, and that someone was her.
ellie continued to hold you tightly as you cried into her. your tears soaked into her bra, but she didn't mind; you'd done that many times before. she rubbed your back in soothing circles as she let you let it all out, and she made small shushing noises in your ear. your sobs turned into whimpers and then into a soft murmur, and as your emotions died down, she gently wiped away the tears, replacing them with kisses.
as she noticed you calmed down she slightly pulled away to get a better look at you. "can you tell me what's wrong now?"
"i... it's just..." you started, and your voice broke as you tried to find the words. your girlfriend gave you her undivided attention, focusing on you and only you. "i- i don't feel pretty... i don't feel good enough... i don't feel... enough."
with her eyes looking deep into yours, you couldn't help but be vulnerable as you opened up to her. your insecurities and flaws, the things you tried so hard to hide, were all laid bare in front of her now.
a pang of guilt hit you in that moment.
what am i doing?
ellie was so sweet and loving, and you felt like you were just taking advantage of her kindness. like you're just an attention seeker.
but before you could say anything, she pressed a finger to your lips.
"no. shut your mouth." she said sternly, and you couldn't help but chuckle a bit. "that's not true. i don't wanna hear it, not another word." she leaned in and pressed her soft lips to yours.
you found yourself sitting on her lap, as she stroked your hair, whispering something or kissing you from time to time. you told her all about it, about what and how you feel. and she listened.
you were so lost in your emotional story you didn't even notice the way she slowly took off her rings - one by one, and placed them on a bedside shelf.
596 notes · View notes
pumpkinsy0 · 6 months ago
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could you do more johnny and curly interacting and their little rival thingy cause of ponyboy (y'know what i mean)
how u gonna tell me what i know🤨🤨
•theyve literally never interacted before hand, they rlly just dont rock together, they dont even have a reason to beef w each other, they rlly just do not like each other that much right off the bat and johnnys like the only one in the curtis gang where thats the case
•those feelings only grew when pony got w curly, johnny would try to be respectful towards curly but curly just brushes him off
•their rivalry is more lowkey id say, compared to everyone else its not THAT bad, they mostly talk down about the other only to pony, never to their faces
•johnny is a lil scared of the shepards so he doesnt say anything that might anger him, shit he doesnt even allow himself to be left alone w the guy, but thats more so bc he thinks it would be awkward, so if ponys leaving, johnny trails right behind
•if johnny has something to say about curly, he only tells pony, he doesnt want what he says to be spread around and then next thing u know theres an angry shepard in front of his face
•when it comes to curly, COULD he talk badly about johnny to his face?? yea he could, but pony would be very upset w him if he did and curly just doesnt see the point because “the guy already seems like a scaredy cat”
•shit they dont rlly make eye contact either, johnny kinda looks at him but not for long, curly doesnt look at johnny bc of general disinterest/aloofness, he has nothing in common w johnny in his eyes so he sees no purpose, they arent gonna connect the way pony hopes
•johnny HATTTEEEESSSS when curlys flirty w pony while hes right there, if theyre getting flirty, johnny mumbles that maybe they shouldnt do that here bc its wide in the open, curly makes eye contact w johnny, asking “what was that??” bc he rlly didnt hear him (also bc he doesnt like being told what to do) and johnny looks away, pony just agrees w johnny and turns it down a bit, telling curly to calm down too
•johnny is like the only one willing to give pony and curly a chance however, pony obviously sees something the rest of em dont, but that doesnt mean hes not worried for pony being around curly, he constantly tells pony “i hope u know what ur doing”
•curly does get johnny riled up sometimes tho, curly can make ANYONE upset
•but what rlly gets johnny upset is when curly calls him a kid even though hes literally older than him, that rlly grinds johnnys gears
63 notes · View notes
piwstri4 · 1 year ago
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gossip | op81
pairing: bf!oscar piastri x college student!gf!reader
summary: oscar's fangirls love to hate, oscar just loves.
ynacc
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liked by oscarpiastri, landonorris and others
ynacc you think your life is hard? i've had to watch my bf's last 12 races on tv bc i had exams and expos
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user1 can u imagine being yn and complain abt your boyfriend doing his work?
user2 when tf did she complain abt oscar doing his job??
user3 atp yall just love to hate her fr
user4 poor girl has to go to college cuz she doesn't know when will her bf leave her
user5 bestie maybe focus on your own life?
user6 shouldn't she be studying or something?
user7 girl I WISH i had her problems
user8 i love that she follows his races even when she's busy<3
user9 fr i love her sm
user10 can u imagine having yn as ur gf? oscar living the dream fr
oscarpiastri miss u :((
ynacc miss u too:((
landonorris you two are disgusting
user11 lol lando saying what we all wanted to say
francisca.cgomes hits close to home
ynacc can we start like a wags support group?
carmenmmundt i agree
ynacc
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liked by oscarpiastri, lilymhe and others
ynacc i 💥 miss 💥 you 💥 every 💥 day 💥 (last fucking race!!!)
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landonorris "thank you lando for sending me pics of my bf every hour so i stop complaining abt him not replying to my texts"
ynacc yea ty ig
landonorris not giving u a single pic anymore
oscarpiastri i miss you every second
ynacc no i miss u more
maxfewtrell thank god it's the last fucking race
ynacc lando's taking the first plane to you dont worry he told me
maxfewtrell i just want u to stop whining in the gc
user1 so lando and max actually confirmed she's fucking annoying 🧍🏽‍♀️
user2 cant believe oscar still wants her around
user3 im so sure her bf's w her out of pity
user4 yn's personal account or an oscar piastri fan account we'll never know
user5 i love how in love she is 😭😭
user6 since when does she socialize w max tho?
user7 childhood friends with lando, friends with max by default
user8 they cant get rid of her now
user9 shouldnt you be like...... doing college stuff......
user10 not even her friends stand her lmao
oscarpiastri
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liked by ynacc, logansargeant and others
oscarpiastri end of season. (i love you)
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landonorris where tf are the tulips i paid them myself??????
oscarpiastri shut up
ynacc omg first time u paid for something!!
user1 oscar's being held at gunpoint
user2 girl the grip wont make him stay lol
user3 they're lovely together!! 💕
ynacc love u more<3
oscarpiastri lies
user4 ofc u do cant you see his face lmao
logansargeant you both look fire!
oscarpiastri 🔥
user5 yn so annoying she forced him to go on a date as soon as oscar left the car
user6 where the fuck does all the hate come from??
user7 girl wtf yall dont know shit abt their relationship
user8 im so sorry for yn imagine having to deal with all the fangirls bitching her out
user9 they went hiking together 😭😭😭
user10 literal goals
New notification from Instagram
Check out these new stories!
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ynacc
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liked by oscarpiastri, maxfewtrell and others
ynacc they hate us cause they ain't us
the original poster limits who can comment
oscarpiastri they hate you cause i love you
maxfewtrell not as romantic as u think it is!!!
ynacc they can keep on hating as long as u keep loving me
maxfewtrell thanks max for the picture
ynacc thnx max 4 the pic, would've loved it if u let us eat alone!!
landonorris now that's what i call being ungrateful
landonorris nice tulips and nice dinner (dont appreciate having to see my teammate every time im over)
ynacc then dont come over when im on dates w my bf 😜😜
oscarpiastri
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liked by ynacc, landonorris and others
oscarpiastri Sip the gossip, drink till you choke.
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ynacc by maneskin babe!!!!
oscarpiastri you know i love you right?
ynacc of course sweetie ily2
user1 oscar shutting up yn haters we love to see it!!
landonorris you two are fucking cut for each other
oscarpiastri ty i know
landonorris because neither of you give photo credits you muppet
user2 man said keep talking we dont give a shit<3
user3 his fans are literally his paycheck he should watch his mouth
user4 you talk as if he wasn't a whole ass f1 driver, oscar's merch are just a side hustle
user5 this man has a job driving an expensive and elite car, his fans dont pay shit compared to his sponsors/team
user6 cant believe he's risking his career for a slag
landonorris lol get a fucking life kid
user7 lando saying what we all wanted to say
maxfewtrell about time mate, 📸 by lando
oscarpiastri yeah yeah whine about it
landonorris fucking finally thank you
ynacc now kiss!!
user8 why does she look so......
user9 ugly?
user10 ordinary?
ynacc
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liked by landonorris, maxfewtrell and others
ynacc Thank you so much to my best buddies and my love! Even if the three of you showed up on joggers and hoodies, i love you to the moon and back<3 (max and oscar helped w the project too)
the original poster limits who can comment
oscarpiastri you told me no suit and tie 😡😡
ynacc bc it wasn't a wedding (would've appreciated a nice shirt tho)
oscarpiastri noted 👍🏼
landonorris dont call oscar your buddy :((
ynacc didn't i tell you? you're the buddy now :((
oscarpiastri im her love, buddy 😘
maxfewtrell i thought i was your love?
ynacc u're someone else's love watch your mouth mr fewtrell
lilymhe Congrats! Your pres looked amazing🤩
ynacc Aww thanks sweetie ily<3
lilymhe <3
oscarpiastri
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liked by ynacc, yukitsunoda0511 and others
oscarpiastri forever in love with you, my little artist.
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ynacc i cant find the words to tell you how much i love loving you
oscarpiastri ❤️
ynacc ❤️
user1 i'm 100% sure oscar likes to watch ppl fight for their lives on the comments
user2 no bc yn limits her comments section and oscar just drops shit like this and forces us to swallow their love
user3 im sure he let's people comment to block their haters
user4 no bc im sure that's the reason they get less hate now (on oscar's acc)
user5 no bc lando has three cups on his last post, they were helping yn with this 😭😭
user6 max too, yn said it in her post 😭
user7 Verstappen????
user6 fewtrell lmao
landonorris aww you bought the bouquet yourself this time!
ynacc piss off<3
landonorris ily2
zhouguanyu24 🔥
user8 he's so fucking supportive wtf
user9 love to see less hate comments after his last post
user10 someone said he keeps the comments open to block ppl lol i love his pettiness
oscarpiastri
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liked by ynacc, zhouguanyu24 and others
oscarpiastri my girlfriend shines, after all this time.
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user1 remember ladies if wanted to he would
ynacc i only asked for you to love me back
oscarpiastri i only asked for you to love me
user2 i love a hate-free comment section<3
user3 dad loves mom!!
caiocollet sir mister is ✨in love✨
user4 she's gorgeous how tf were there ppl hating on her???
user5 idk if i wanna be yn or oscar
user6 he. gets. her. flowers. all. the. fucking. time
ynacc yes he does 🥰🥰
ynacc alternatively: three times oscar gave me flowers out of nowhere
user7 yn is so fucking lucky
user8 oscar is so fucking lucky
user9 they are both fucking lucky
user10 real question can they fight?
user11 pr knocking on his door fr
ynacc
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liked by oscarpiastri, francisca.cgomes and others
ynacc kiss me hard before you go because missing you is never easy. (📸 by max and lando)
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oscarpiastri a kiss for every flower seems fair
ynacc i'll start giving you flowers because we're gonna be short on kisses.
oscarpiastri i can give you flowers all my life if they make you happy
landonorris all it took for you to learn how to give credits was for me to go back to monaco
ynacc how did u know i did it cuz i miss u?
landonorris please tell me i dont have to kiss you
ynacc thank god i actually like u being away
user1 people actually hated on THIS RELATIONSHIP???
user2 fr they look so cute
user3 oscar fangirls are fucking weird
maxfewtrell omg first time u give credits!! kids grow up so fast
ynacc i'll untag you.
maxfewtrell you wouldn't
user4 her fighting w lando and max 😭😭😭😭
user5 she's everything and he's just
lilymhe can your boyfriend fight?
ynacc can yours?
user6 they've been dating for a bit more than a year and oscar has given her flowers AT LEAST 7 times.
user7 he's raising the bar for us
user8 just so yall learn to not settle for less
user9 am i allowed to say that i love them?
user10 god im grateful for the ynoscar blocklist
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single-malt-scotch · 2 months ago
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ok normally wouldnt rant about this but i got a glance at some other mcyt i dont go to and i just wanna say when it comes to cc 'boundaries' i will always be on the stance of 'ok cool. but i and other will probably do xyz anyways and its not like ur gonna know unless we go and show it to you or you decide to seek it out (and if you seek it out and get upset thats on you)'
the idea of boundary lists especially ones where people say "ask me first" is so weird. youre suddenly turning this into a direct relationship between you and fans and imo it makes fans even more attached and possibly even parasocial bc they want to make sure they dont do anything wrong to you or else you might not like them (even if you never notice them. people will still feel that way)
if we're gonna act like cc are big enough to be popular/idols/etc why would it be any different than if you asked fucking. idk harry styles his boundaries for fan content? yeah hed probably say no nsfw, its weird. but will he ever see it? will be seek it out? can he stop everyone who ever liked him?? no, hes so popular that too many fans exist to ever police it (maybe some fans never even get to hear about it and will just blindly carry on!!). and you shouldnt act like you can control it bc its not good for your mind to stress on. and you shouldnt make fans feel like you are policing them either bc that just makes fan relationship worse!!
theres too much unneeded stress feeling like cc are constantly watching and judging your fan content and imo you need to just let it go. if youre not hanging out right in front of them or literally showing stuff to them it doesnt matter. be free. stop worrying. all you gotta do is do your own thing and not be weird to the cc directly. its not hard
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itsalwaysdark · 6 months ago
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i am okay tho i just have momeys sometimrs . please do not ever worry abt me guys
#i rly rly rly appreciate any asks u guys send me truly i usually hold onto then bc i dont know how to respond and rheyre good to see#sometimes#but im not in any danger i rly am. safe. i have a lot of things keeping me from doing That so. i am safe. dw.#i just get sad a lot. and its my fault i need 2 judt stop it and suck it uo and Work on it all but its so. insurmountable. and it judt#doesnt get easier yk. it never does. whatsver.#but. anyways i am safe i am okif it got to the point i was like. fearful for my life thatd either be The delusion (which is actually good#for me i cant explain it but its good for me) or i coulf talk to my family abt it and theyd help#i just cant talk to them abt This. stuff. the like. the being broken stuff and just not being right#i cant talk to any of them abt that. but if i said hey im genuinely faarful i miggjt do something they would um. help. so its okay#idk. i hope the posts dont seem like i make them for pity i rly dont this blog is just my stream of consciousness#ik i just shouldnt post them and i should judtkeeo a diary but i dont um. how to explain thid#even if nobody sees it it feels better to make a tumblr post bc then it feels like. a performance i guess. its not its real but its like#if i put it somewhere other ppl can see it then that means i exist. thats not quite right but i dont know how to articulate like#i dont nexessarily want ppl to see them i find it embarassing i guess. but it feels dishonest to not post them#since i post everything else. bc i like being open online it makes me think im real. does that make sense#and there are timestamps so i know when things happen. thsts modtly how i remember things#is looking at my blog and checking dates and timestamps. and for older stuff i have to check my dms with ykw. which. is not good for.me at#all. but ihave no other way to remember dayes#i dont know. im rly sry i hate podting vents but i dont like deleting posts eithrr so j dont know oike. idk.#just idk know they arent like. They are serious they are how i feel and i usually make them ehen im in distress#but its not dangerous distress i judt get hopeless. yk? i dont wanr anybody to worry abt me ever im not supposed to be a burden#i dont knoe. i havent articulated anything well. basicallt i dont do rhem for attention i dont do them for like. guilttripping or pity#i dont rly do them for any reason other than irs pure word vomit. i suppose. and tumblr is my wordvomit website. i judt get on here and yap#and it makes me feel so much worse but i get better eventually so its fine.
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