#autistic batman

[alyakthedorklord]

Batman the Playboy

Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.

The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, (or hit with some kind of drug while out saving the world) and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.

Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“

Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”

Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”

Green Arrow: (offended noises)

Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”

Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”

However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.” (Also for him, drunk=Brucie)

So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”

Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”

Batman nods. Thank God. He wants to go home and sleep. But first: “Superman, yours is so stupid it’s almost impressive-”

———

Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.

GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”

Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”

Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”

Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”

GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”

Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.

Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”

Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”

Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”

Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”

Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”

Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻‍♂️

“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”

Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!

The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.

And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.

(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)

Edit: there have been a bunch of awesome additions in the notes! My own take here.

[camenxi]

love the batman ships where, batman autistic ass always never notices the other liking him one way or another like (like the other flirting with him, etc) . it just flys over his head i think we should do it more perchance.

[syresdcthings]

Just had the visualisation of Bruce needing to be weighed down a really specific amount ever since he was a kid. Like Thomas lifting him during a Gala under the ruse that he was just sleepy but in reality he's squeezing him. Or Alfred bandaging him during his rebellious young teen years and having to do them over and over until they are JUST the right amount of tight. Khoa, stopping a fight with him when he notices he's acting odd and Bruce having to awkwardly instruct him on how to push him down by enough that he isn't hurt but he's unable to lift himself from the ground under his grip.

This carrys into his Batman career, and this means his Cape is WEIGHED. Like, imagine 3 weighted blankets on top of you. That's how heavy it is. And literally nobody else can lift it or wear it but to Bruce its perfect and it doesn't even change the way he fights, because he's used to it.

Dick fucking hates it. He has to be Batman on multiple occasions, and he HATES the Cape. More than usually does. Because its so hard to do anything flippy when you're body Is being pulled DOWN by some torture device on your back.

Also, the Cape is fluffy on the inside. He got that once Robin Dick was insistent on wearing shorts and he'd be chittering during the winter, so he allowed him to hide in his Cape whenever they were standing idly. Yeah.

[vic-draws-sometimes]

"I don't recall having any real friends as a child even before the... The incident. Before my parents were murdered.

(...)

Even then I enjoyed reading books more, and going out to movies, and listening to music, lost in my own world. My mother claimed I had an "old soul".

I do have a keen memory of standing outside a chain link fence looking into the playground, watching the children play."

-Batman, JLA incarnations #2

Sir you're autistic

[autistic-hc-bracket]

Round 3: Bruce Wayne vs Scott Summers

Propaganda is encouraged!

[dragon-lancelott]

the fact there isn't one jewish, nonbinary, autistic Bruce Wayne X jewish, genderfluid, adhd Hal Jordan fanfic is deeply upsetting 😔

[lazerswordweilder]

I want more of Batman being the most autistic man alive and the Justice League misinterpreting it

He goes nonverbal and they think they did something stupid and/or he’s mad at them

He’s bad at social cues and they think he’s just an ass like that sometimes

They think his cape is full of weapons or something but in reality it’s just the right weight

A villain that affects/effects sound comes along and their in awe at his preparation but in reality sounds get too distracting sometimes and he’s had headphones in his cowl for about 5 other reasons too

[secretidentie]

Bruce Wayne using caffeine instead of Adderall to stay up is honestly the most nerodivergent thing ever

[vodrae]

Bruce Wayne, 20 : No alfred ! I won't do the spectrum test ! I would know it, and i'm way too old.

Also Bruce Wayne when his secretary is wearing a blue shirt but it's a red day : 👁👄👁

[dc-gotham-instincts-wild]

Incorrect quote from an AU that i'll be explaining later.

(still working on the AU name, but 'Brothers in all but Blood' is the top candidate)

*on the way back from a JL meeting* Batman: *Driving* Nightwing: *is also in the car* *Phone ring, Batman sighs and puts it on speaker* Green Arrow: Hey B. That Nightwing with you? NIghtwing: Hi Uncle Ollie! Oliver, nervous: Hey kid. So guys, I, uh, need to know if I can hide out at your place for now… Bruce: Please don't tell me you got into another fight with your father,' ((It's not that he minds Ollie coming over, but Robert never makes Ollie feel nice most of the time. )) Oliver: Er…. No, I….. may have or may have not gotten into a fight with Merlon.

*Bruce slams on the breaks so hard the Batmobile screeches* Bruce and Dick in perfect unison: YOU WHAT?!!?!?!?!?!

Dick, yelling at the speaker: Dude, i haven't even properly met your grandfather, i just saw him a few times at those stupid parties! Have you met that guy? He's terrifying! ((A/N: I couldn't find the name of Oliver's paternal grandfather in the canon universe, so i made one up))

Bruce: Do you have a death wish? Do you have a freaking death wish? Or are you just stupid?

Oliver, desperate: I don't know! He was visiting and saw me, and he started dissing the way i disappear so often, and then it just escalated from there! I went to my room and got out through the window, i'm on some random rooftop right now.

Bruce: *groans* My god…… between one and ten? Oliver, very quietly: .......ten. Dick: That's bad. Usually all it takes is a five for you to hide out at our place….

Ollie: Just please tell me I can come over, Bruce, sighing: Come over ASAP after your patrol. I remember that one time when we were 10 and 11, your grandfather caught us sneaking out during that damn gala….. man i don't like arguing with him. If he wasn't your grandfather, I'd punch him.

Bruce: We have a…. situation over here anyway, and I wouldn't begrudge a visit from my brother.

Ollie: Thanks bro, i owe you some.

(Plot twist, Oliver is the older one, by a year and a half. The JL doesn't know their identities or how they're connected. Bruce and Oliver are both autistic.)

[wednesday-if-it-was-tuesday]

We all know Damian Wayne is on the schools high alert. Like my man’s list of crimes committed is longer than the class roster. This leaves us with the school counselors having a debate of culture shock or autism on the legal, but weird things he does.

Counselor 1: Look, yes bringing a dog to school on a random day is unorthodox, but this may be his first time in a formal classroom.

Counselor 2: Mmn. It’s giving comfort pet and misunderstanding of why no other kids bring their pets.

Counselor 3: Autism would explain his difficulty making friends.

1: So could being Arab, this is Jersey for hell’s sake. He walks up to kids and they run away.

3: What did neuropsychology say?

2: He showed up to the hospital with a sword and got escorted out.

1: Okay, maybe reading the room isn’t his strong suit, but hospitals are different in the Himalayas.

2: Not a chance he’s read the entire Mariam-Webster English dictionary and has a father who’s lived in Jersey his whole life and is ignorant to basic rules.

3: Autism is genetic too; Bruce… is a character.

*This debate went on for hours*

[alyakthedorklord]

Omg literally it would be SO cool if you wrote the rest of the playboy bruce trying to kiss the justice league without them realizing it (I know you said figure it out but the way you wrote it was so good and funn I would love it if you gave maybe a couple of scenarios)

Lmao honestly executive dysfunction is kicking my ASS rn and it was intended as a prompt. I will try tho, definitely taking inspiration from the others who responded to the post because I love them.

If you haven’t, go check out the notes on the OG Post above! @britcision, @ivywing, and @help-i-need-a-cool-username all had amazing additions and @foursixtwonineoh-pieces-of-lego wrote a fic:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/48325771

As did @scrapcheck, still in progress

And Devilhorn!

Anyways LONG post under the cut

Hal Jordan

Hal is first to prove a POINT, as @britcision decided. Also because the bastard made it waaaay too easy. Remember- Hal was Joking. He genuinely thinks Batman isn’t going to try, because he’s way too straight-laced boring.

So when he’s at a bar in Coast City, and he sees this absolutely ravishing man lounging casually against the wall, bar lighting making him practically glow (he CALCULATED that) subtle makeup making his bright blue eyes pop as he looks Hal up and down… Well. Hal makes the first move.

Hal: “All on your own, handsome?”

Bruce, with “Mastermind” by Taylor Swift playing in his head, smiling sweetly at Hal: “Care to change that?”

They start talking. Hal doesn’t recognize Bruce Wayne at ALL (canonically he does not know who Bruce Wayne is, a point brought up by @help-i-need-a-cool-username) so all he knows is Bruce is a single father who works at a company he inherited from his parents, which is just (brucie voice) “so much less interesting than a test pilot!”

Bruce, grimacing internally but wrapped around Hal’s arm with the awed and interested eyes in full effect: “you have such a nice voice, tell me more about planes…”

He KNOWS what a fuselage is, thank you, Jordan. Whatever. He gets to gush about his kids, when its his turn to talk, good enough tradeoff. He can survive Hal Jordan’s bad pick up lines and pretend he’s into them. At a certain point Bruce breaks and kisses him just to shut him up. One down.

Diana Prince

I looked it up- kissing in Ancient Greece wasn’t always considered romantic, but also a greeting between two similarly-ranked people. Therefore, I think Diana would be pretty chill with kissing and honestly an easy target at a gala if Bruce plays respectful/clumsy/earnest himbo starstruck with the tall pretty woman, just a peck would make him the happiest man alive. But I wanna go a little more in depth.

Now, I’ve seen Flash and Martian Manhunter save Bruce and/or his kids and Bruce lays one on them, but honestly I think it would work well with Diana too, because she loves kids. Dick and/or Jason (whichever you want to imagine, I want them to team up screw canon) are WAY to excited for this, they’ve got a little script and everything.

WonderWoman, a kid in each arm, delivering them back to their tearful guardian: “Here we are, Mr. Wayne. Whole and healthy.”

Dick, playing into his role eagerly: “Oh my gosh, Bruce! Bruce we got saved by a princess! It’s like a fairytale! Except, you know, the princess is the hero this time, which is so freaking cool!”

Bruce, tears of gratitude rolling down his face (and he knows how to still look perfect while crying, its a skill): “I’m just glad the two of you are safe, Chum.”

Jason, big baby blues in full effect, absolutely asked Wonder Woman to be his mom earlier (to set groundwork, no other reason): “You know, usually the princess and the hero gets a kiss at the end of a fairytale, Bruce. But this princess is both. So how will she get a reward?”

Still choked up with relieved tears and now laughter, Bruce looks up at Diana and smiles: “Well, if the Princess wants a reward… then I would be a fool to refuse.”

Bruce kisses her on the lips, Dick and Jason both kiss her cheeks, Diana leaves charmed and amused by the sweet family. Such a good father, humoring his children and thier little fascination with her, so very respectful…

Two down.

J’ohn Jones

Okay, martians are telepathic. So this goes one of two ways, at some sort of charity or something-

Option 1, Batman is a realist: the charity event is a masquerade, and he wanders over to where MM is while thinking “it would be so funny, give me this.” As loudly as he can. And Martian Manhunter, who appreciates the audacity, gives him a kiss. (I don’t like this one because it technically breaks the rules of the bet, bc MM knows it’s Batman, but eh)

Option 2, Batman is a different breed: he manages to up the ante with his Himbo Persona. Creating a “slippery void” mental facade that blocks of his real thoughts and makes him read as really just that stupid. This would require functioning with two trains of thought at once, and making sure that the Martian can only read the surface level, “oh, this one is pretty” “I really wouldn’t mind kissing him” and other such decoy thoughts, instead of “target is approaching, signs of interest present despite this not being his natural form-“

Bruce also researches and copies Martian courting styles and copies them “by chance,” catching MM’s attention. (He offers him Oreos)

Martian Manhunter: “this man… he is so empty headed and yet clearly kind and willing. I would not take him for a life partner, but for some simple fun as he seems to desire…”

(Edit: Maybe, if B is confident enough, he lets through his loneliness. Missing his parents, wanting affection, an ache so strong it’s like a physical wound. J’onn feels the same ache for his lost family, and decides to try this human’s strategy to fill that void. Either way…)

Batman 3, League 0

Barry Allen

I’m strangely blank when it comes to the Flash let me just spitball and let it snowball

As I said above, people have had him save Bruce, had Bruce seduce him at his workplace while taking a tour, I even saw @help-i-need-a-cool-username have Dick set up a petition for Bruce to kiss the Flash. (An idea that I personally think would also go really well with Superman lmao.)

Anyways, I think it would be funny for Bruce to take it slow with Barry. For the irony of it all. Because Batman is doing this to prove a POINT. So he’s in central city, spots Barry coming his way, and “accidentally” slips right into his arms. Ooh, or covered in coffee, like a wealth disparity drama base script, and Barry’s like “omg i am so sorry let me pay you back.” And bruce is all “this shirt costs (stupid amount of money)”

Barry: (fear)

Bruce, rolling with it rn: “yes, it is horrendous, isn’t it? Hows this- I’m in central city for a day. You can pay me back by showing me around?”

He then proceeds to string barry along on an honest to god DATE for shits and giggles. They go clothes shopping, they go to restaurants, Bruce pays for a big meal bc this is after a fight or something and Barry got hurt, his speedster comrade needs to EAT, damnit.

After all this, he gives a cheeky smile and lightly smooches Barry. “Thanks for the fun day, Mr. Allen.”

Barry, bright red and goo brained: “hah- mmhmm. Yeah…”

Batman 4, League 0

Oliver Queen

This one… Oliver is on guard. He’s twitchy and suspicious, turning down men flirting with him, people are starting to notice. But Bruce? Bruce just walks up at a party while “tipsy” and lays one on him. Straight up. He wants to show just how EASY it is. Because Oliver doesn't even register it. He just laughs and goes: “Hey Brucie! Miss me?”

Batman 5, League 0

Dinah Lance

Of course, immediately after above, he turns and pouts at canary.

Bruce: “Dinah darling, you are a saint, I don’t know how you put up with the mess he’s got on his face. He was so much nicer to kiss when we were in (fancy private school name drop) together and didn’t have all this nonsense.”

Dinah, laughing at Ollie’s offended noises: “Oh, I don’t mind it. He’s a good kisser.”

Bruce: “Of course he is, I taught him. Care to compare?”

Dinah: “Don’t mind if I do.”

Batman 6, league 0

Clark Kent

For Clark, Bruce is originally talking to Lois before he turns his eyes on a quiet Clark and croons: “So, Miss Lane, does this lovely specimen have his own questions, or is he arm candy? And if he’s the latter, can I either tempt him off you, or secure an invitation?”

Lois, an excellent friend who will absolutely set Clark up with the hottest bachelor in Gotham: “Well, Mister Wayne, I’ve got all I need. Clark, take a page from my book and honeytrap a good quote out of him, hm?”

With an obnoxious wink, she pats a spluttering Clark on the shoulder, and leaves him with a very smug Batman.

(Bonus Superbat- Clark and Bruce’s conversation is going REALLY WELL and to the point where both of them seem on board with more than a heavy makeout when Bruce puts a hand on Clarks chest.

Bruce: “Stop.”

Clark, freezing immediately: “I’m sorry, did I go too far-?”

Bruce: “No, no. I think I might be though. See, I have all of you now, and I’ve won the bet.”

Clark: “What are you- oh. Oh- HUH?”

Cue sudden and shocked revelation, Clark’s mind going a hundred miles an hour, and then skidding to a stop on- he only did this for the bet. He’s not really interested. He stopped because I went too far-

Bruce: “You only consented to a kiss without knowing my identity. Right now, I’d like to do more, if you’d let me.”

Clark has the dial-up tone ringing in his ears, he has no idea whats going on anymore, the hot billionaire and his reclusive teammate aren’t quite slotting into place, because he wants both but rhey’re so different but they’re the same but-

“Yes.”

Lois doesn’t get Clark back that night and she is delighted.)

Anyways, final results:

Batman: 7

League: 0

Reveal:

Batman talking shit about their secret identities again, Green Lantern is scoffing about it again, says something along the lines of: “You still think you’re sooooo great, huh? Hows the bet going, spooky?” Fully expecting Batman to get huffy with him.

Instead, Batman smirks.

He leans in

And purrs: “So you didn’t notice?”

The League freezes. The implications are dangling over their head. Did he… did he really?

Green Lantern, absolutely terrified: “No. no, there’s no way…”

Batman: “Oh, there absolutely was a way. I’d say you were a good kisser, but honestly? I think it might have been the euphoria of getting you to shut up.”

He turns on the rest of the league, still smirking. “I have kissed every single person who consented at least once in the time since the bet was made. Two of you with tongue. And no one has called me out on it. Now that you know it’s happened, you should be able to figure me out, so whoever can tell me my real name first, wont get thier story used as an example in the brand new “how to avoid honeypots” seminar.”

(If bonus superbat, B shoots Superman a Look and goes “except for you, superman, because I told you my name.” Which just ends up distracting everyone else until they get THAT story)

Diana wins bc she matched up the boys to the robins. Everyone else gets their stories told in excruciating detail. Batman rates them by kissing ability and how obvious he was on his approach. Oliver gets docked points for “texture.” Dinah gets docked points because “i griped about the exact same thing in and out of costume, how did you not notice-“

(Different reveal below)

@chaos-n-kindness @she-went-that-way @geekonaleash @redh00dsbf @howabouticallyou

[batboopp]

EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP

he has a headache :(

[riggadybambdoondah]

I will die on the hill that in The Batman 2022 the reason Martha Wayne was institutionalized was because she was autistic and her parents didn't want to do anything more to accommodate her needs.

[soooooolar]

i love bruce's hc as autistic bc I'm an autistic person and ironically, batfam is kind one of my biggest hyperfixations. so I just relate to whatever shit this asshole does because i definitely do it too.

like keep adopting kids because I was horrible with the first one

making the most traumatizing event of my life (losing my parents) my motivation because if I don't do it I'll kill myself

ignoring the second most traumatizing event of my life (losing my son) because if I focus on it I will kill myself (yes, again) or someone else

and wearing black all the time using practicality as an excuse even though everyone knows it's just to add drama

[autistic-hc-bracket]

One of my favorite Batman tweets

this is really amusing but i also want to add that bruce’s extremely black and white view of justice is very autistic of him!