#as opposed to before i was probably missing it more often than i took it

[beneathsilverstars]

guys i think my depression meds are working

[kai-uh-arcadian]

Something you’ll never know

synopsis: you and aeri were inseparable while you were growing up. Is that connection still there?

word count: 15k (jeeez) (it could've been 3 parts but I love you all so much so here you are)

cw: angst, cussing, drinking, f reader, childhood best friends to...(?) idk if there's any i missed please lmk!

notes! So sorry if its a confusing read with the timelines and such. the italic paragraphs are flashbacks/memories! for clarification Aeri and reader are ages 12, 22, and then 30 in this. It's inspired by the movie Past Lives (one of my fav movies, I recommend it!) barely proofread again, I also tried to add extra space in between different scenes, I hope it flows okay!

This is my first angsty fic ever but I had a lot of fun writing it! I really hope you enjoy it and if you'd like to, lmk your thoughts!!

as always dms and asks are always open!

xoxo love youuu (: <3

20 years ago in Southern California,  SM Elementary School

Ever since you can remember, Aeri Uchinaga has been a constant presence in your life. You first met in preschool, where she quickly took a liking to you for reasons you couldn't quite understand. As a ‘slow-to-warm-up’ child, you were perfectly fine with doing quiet activities on your own while your classmates ran around, chatting amongst themselves. But Aeri must have seen you as a challenge or a game, maybe? She was determined to crack the ice and see what lay beneath your quiet exterior. She would always join you at the drawing table and start rambling about a variety of things that crossed her mind or even go as far as sharing her stuffed animals with you when she saw you playing ‘family’ alone with your own.

And before you knew it, she had you hooked. Aeri was more outspoken than you at the time, and she often took the reins in your friendship, but you were (more than) happy to follow her lead. You quickly learned that she had a habit of charging in head first, and it became your unspoken mission to keep her from getting into too much trouble.

You promised yourself that you'd always be there supporting her from behind.

You dribbled the soccer ball skillfully toward the goal, weaving through defenders with ease. Just as you were about to score, a loud yelp from the basketball court made you stop dead in your tracks. Your hesitation cost you as a player from the opposing team slid in, tackling you. Pain shot through your leg as your planted foot twisted in a way that it should NOT twist.

You got up from the ground and ignored the pain as you waved to a classmate on the sideline to take your place on the field. You limped as quickly as you could toward the court from the field, fighting back tears. The adrenaline kept you moving.

Eventually you made it to the basketball court where Aeri was.

“Are you okay?” you asked as you reached a hurt Aeri, who was hissing slightly at the sight of her skinned knee. Almost every ounce of pain washed away when you saw her.

She looked up, surprised, as your shadow blocked the sun. To her, you probably looked like an angel.

“Y/n,” she sniffled, “Where did you come from?”

“I was just playing soccer,” you replied, kneeling in front of her and offering your back. “Here, hop on. Let’s get you to the nurse.”

“Mm~ okay,” Aeri shyly mumbled as she climbed onto your back, resting her chin in the crook of your neck as you hobbled toward the infirmary.

“How did you know I was hurt?” she inquired softly.

“I dunno, my Aeri instincts must've kicked in... But you do have a pretty distinctive scream that I could hear all the way from the soccer field” You chuckled

“Ah~! What!? That’s so embarrassing!” She buried her face into your neck. “Why did you come over? You said you were playing soccer?”

“Well yeah I was, but remember when we were five and had our first sleepover?” you asked, chuckling. “Ya know, the one where you couldn’t stop crying because you missed your parents, especially your mom.”

“Hey! Why bring that up now?” she groaned, playfully hitting your back with her fists. “It wasn’t my choice! My parents were busy with work, okay!”

“Nono~ we made a pinky promise, remember? I told you, ‘I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.’ And I vaguely remember claiming I’d be your prince or somethin' like that.. I’m just keeping my word.” You smiled at the memory.

“That was like seven years ago…I can't believe you even remember that” she sighed contentedly. “Well, thank you, my prince.” she let out a teasing chuckle

“Of course, Lady Aeri,” you replied in a playful, formal tone, adjusting her higher on your back with a little hop.

There was a small break of silence before Aeri took notice of the cadence of your steps.

“...Wait, are you limping?” Her tone suddenly turned serious, like a mother about to scold her child.

“Uh…” You hesitated, “No…?” you chuckled nervously hoping she'd drop the topic (she didn't).

She peeked over your shoulder and saw your left ankle, red and beginning to swell.

“Ah~! What happened!? Let me down, I can walk! You idiot!” she exclaimed, trying to wriggle off your back.

“No way! We’re almost there anyways, and all this wiggling isn’t helping the pain either!” you bickered with the girl on your back before finally reaching the school entrance.

After school, your mom tended to your hurt ankle. It wasn’t anything serious, just a mild sprain. You worked silently on your assignment before she spoke up.

“Y/n, honey~” your mom cooed before sitting down next to you at the kitchen table while you were doing homework. “What do you think about Aeri? Do you like her?”

“Hmm,” You hummed while  placing your pencil down as memories of her flooded your mind.

One specific memory came to the forefront of your mind,

You and Aeri were laying in the lush grass together with your heads touching and holding hands.

“Aeri, look!” You pointed to the sky “I see a shark.. Or maybe a really  big tuna?” a playful giggle escaped your lips 

“Mhm~!” she agreed, “Look over there! Doesn’t that look like Haku from Spirited Away?” Aeri’s eyes widened in excitement as her favorite character appeared in the sky, her finger excitedly pointing 

“Yeah! I think it does!” You stole a glance of her. 

Her eyes were glued to the blue sky adorned with fluffy white clouds that looked like they felt like cotton candy. The sun reflected against her dark brown hair and made it look like a beautiful dark ocean rippling in the wind

It was a cool summer day. A gentle breeze wafted her scent of strawberry shampoo and a light rose scent from her deodorant. The sky stretched over both of you like a blue canvas with puffy cotton balls. The warmth of the sunshine wrapped the two of you into an embrace only you both could feel.

 You stared at her with so much… happiness? While she pointed out various shapes, her face lit up more and more each time she spotted one

“What is this feeling?” You thought “It feels like i’m going down a steep slope of a rollercoaster when I’m around her”

“Hm~ Y/n? Is there something on my face? Did you hear me?” She briefly stopped her tangent when she felt a soft gaze.

“Oh~! No sorry,” You giggled

“I- just” you began barely above a whisper

“Wow, look!” Aeri unknowingly cut you off “Those ones look like two hearts about to mash together” she exclaimed giddily

Your gaze went back to the clouds and you paused  for a few seconds causing Aeri to look at you

“Were you gonna say something?” She mumbled and you met her eyes

“I’m just.. Really happy right now!” you said, unable to verbalize the feelings you were having.

“I like her” you replied to your mom

“Ohh~”She nodded in response before genuinely inquiring “Why?” 

“Well… She said I’m like her prince” she responded to her mother so nonchalantly and innocently

“Her prince?”

“Mhm, I think i’ll marry her one day” You smiled before picking up your pencil again-- completely unphased.

“Mm~ I see, I see. Well Y/n, does she want to marry you, too?” 

“I don't know if she likes me too, but if she does I know she'll say when we’re ready!” She smiled brightly at her mom 

“Ah okay~ When did you grow up my sweet daughter?” Your mom lightly pinched your cheek which caused you to giggle. “Well, I was on the phone with her mom earlier... Do you want to go on a date with her?"

Of course you excitedly nodded your head in agreement

You and Aeri stepped into the park, nature wrapped around you two like a comforting hug. The trees swayed gently in the breeze, their leaves left a playful pattern of light and shadows on the ground below. While birds chirped happily overhead, their songs blending with the soft rustle of leaves, creating a soothing melody that seemed to dance through the air. Both of your mom’s made their way to a nearby spot to watch you both 

“Aeri! Let’s go” You said as you grabbed her free hand 

“Oh~ Ma, can you hold these?” Aeri swiftly passed the small bouquet of flowers you had bought her to her mother before being whisked away by your eager pull

“Oh!”  was all Mrs.Uchinaga could get out before the two of you ran off exploring the park. She couldn’t contain her laughter and began to take a digital camera out of her purse.

“They look good together, so happy huh?” Your mom glanced at Mrs.Uchinaga as she was snapping a picture of the two of you running hand in hand in the luscious green field. 

“Yeah~ Aeri talks about Y/n a lot. She says she wants to marry her one day” Her mom let out an astonished laugh “When did our girls grow up?

“That’s exactly what Y/n said! “ She laughed, “We can’t be too surprised right?

"Ah~ I guess not." Aeri's mom began, "Remember that time we kept Y/n overnight once and Aeri was crying uncontrollably and then suddenly stopped? My god, it was so scary! I thought something had happened to her but when I checked the baby monitor, Y/n snuck out of her own crib and into Aeri’s! And then they fell asleep like that!” She laughed with a tinge of nostalgic sadness 

“Ahh~ They were about two and a half years old huh? Oh~! Remember that time I told you when I put them in charge of her brother while I was making them lunch and when I walked back into the living room and found all of them asleep on the couch with Kosei in between them! It was so cute~!” Your mom smiled brightly “I have the photo somewhere still!” 

Both you parents sighed contentedly, reminiscing on you two. After a bit of comfortable silence, you mom spoke up

“My Y/n cares about Aeri a lot. I can see she does too, it puts my heart at ease to know my daughter has someone who cares so deeply about her.” Your mom’s eyes began to get a bit watery

Mrs. Uchinaga placed her hand reassuringly over hers, a warm smile gracing her lips. "She's a smart girl—you shouldn’t worry too much. I'm forever grateful she's been in my Aeri's life. Look at them," she pointed affectionately at the two of you, nestled under the low-hanging branches of the weeping willow tree.

"Aeri! This is where we can take our shoes off," you exclaimed, gently parting the "curtain" of leaves as if entering a secret world.

Your imagination ran wild, the simple weeping willow tree transformed into a spacious apartment in a bustling city.

"And here is where our dining room is," Aeri chimed in, moving to the large stones and pretending they were seats. "Here, sit. Let me get you a coffee, honey," she playfully immersed herself in the game of house.

Aeri returned with a hollowed out rock with a stick in it, “Here’s your coffee!”

You pretend slurped through the stick straw, “This is soo~ delicious” and you fake slurped more causing both of you to giggle

“Hey, Aeri” you placed the rock coffee cup down and Aeri joined you at the “dining table”

“Where do you wanna live when you grow up?” you met her gaze

“Mmm, definitely a city. I want my fashion business to be very popular!” She flashed a cheerful thumbs up “What about you?”

“Mm..” You looked down, shyly contemplating

“Are you getting shy?!” She gently nudged your shoulder teasing you

“Nono~!” You waved your hands in defense while a smile appeared on your face “Hm.. I guess wherever you go?”

While you and Aeri played house, imagining your future together, your parents sat nearby on the park bench in comfortable silence, smiling as they watched the two of you. A gentle breeze drifted through, rustling the leaves and carrying the scent of blooming flowers through the air, adding to the peaceful moment.

“We’re moving soon,” Aeri’s mom finally said, breaking the quiet. Which explained why she asked to take them on a 'date'

Your mom didn’t respond right away, her gaze still on you and Aeri. After a few more beats, she spoke, doing her best to mask her emotions. “Oh… where?”

“South Korea,” Aeri’s mom replied softly.

Your mom paused, her voice steady but tinged with sadness. “Why leave everything behind?”

“There are better opportunities ahead than the ones we’ll leave behind,” Aeri’s mom answered with a quiet sigh, as if trying to convince herself as much as anyone else.

Later, on the car ride home, you and Aeri had both fallen asleep in the backseat, your hands still clasped together, oblivious to the change that was coming. Your mom glanced back at the two of you and with a bittersweet smile, she snapped a quick photo.

Neither of you knew how much your lives would change in the next few weeks.

You sat at your desk, your gaze unfocused as you stared blankly ahead, lost in a haze of thoughts that swirled around you like fog. Aeri’s voice cut through the noise, her laughter ringing out as she animatedly chatted with her friends nearby. Her vibrant energy filled the room, lighting up the space, yet somehow, it made the gap between you two feel even wider. You were in the same room, but it felt like you were worlds apart—both of you in your own little world.

"You're leaving?" one of her friends exclaimed, disbelief in her voice.

"Yeah!" Aeri replied, her excitement unmistakable.

"Never coming back?" another girl pressed, curiosity laced her voice.

"I don’t think so!" Aeri laughed, her tone light, almost carefree.

"What?! Why not!?" the girl pushed further, as if she couldn’t fathom the idea.

"Well.. I could never become a fashion designer here!" Aeri giggled, like her answer was obvious… like she wasn’t about to leave behind everything you had known together.

After school, you found yourself walking past Aeri as she waved her friends goodbye. Her cheerful farewell echoed behind you as you caught a glimpse of her. Her smile was as bright as ever, but for the first time, it felt distant—like it no longer belonged to you.

"Oh, bye!" she called out to her friends, her voice cheerful before turning her attention to you. 

"Wait up!" she hurried to catch up with your steps.

You slowed down slightly, but something in you hesitated.

"Oh, sorry," you murmured.

She quickly caught up and the two of you began the familiar walk home, the silence between you felt heavier than ever. Aeri seemed comfortable, at ease with the quiet, but for you, the weight in your chest grew with every step. Even though she was right beside you, it felt like she was already slipping away—like an invisible wall was growing between you, expanding with each moment.

It was disorienting, jarring even, to think that after today, she wouldn’t be walking next to you every day like she had since kindergarten. Each footstep echoed what was coming, and despite the comfort of routine, the reality of her departure pressed down on you, suffocating the words you wanted to say but couldn’t find.

The world around continued its hustle and bustle, completely indifferent to the storm brewing in your heart. Cars rushed by, bikes whizzed past, and people hurried along the sidewalk, insensitive to the internal chaos you were grappling with.

Every emotion flooded through you, leaving you drowning in a mix of sadness and anger. Each step felt trudging through quicksand as if your feet had been stuck in concrete. Your body was subconsciously pulling you away from your house to prolong your inevitable separation– like a dog who doesn’t want their walk to be over yet.

As you reached the fork in the road that diverged toward your respective houses, a heavy cloud hung above your head, thick with everything you wanted to say.

"Bye, n/n," Aeri's voice carried a tinge of melancholy as she began to walk away, her figure receding into the distance.

You paused, unable to tear your gaze away from her retreating form.

Every memory you’ve shared with her played in your head like a movie montage.

“C’mon Aeri, don’t be scared! I’m right here with you!” You aggressively whispered while carrying a bag of snacks and a blanket, trying to convince Aeri onto the roof of your house

“What if we get in trouble? What if we get locked out and we’re stuck here forever!” Aeri said to you from inside through the opened window 

“My parents know I do this, it’s a flat surface so you have to be a real dummy to slip off! And don’t worry, it only locks from the inside and if you’re scared you can just hold onto me!” You reached out your hand to Aeri

She couldn't help but smile, your own reassuring grin reflecting back at her. She warmly accepted your hand, her breath hitched when your hands made contact.

“O-oh thanks, let’s place the blanket down!” Aeri was glad it was dark because she was sure her face was the same shade as a tomato!

"Not too shabby, huh?" You chuckled lightly, settling onto the soft surface and patting the spot beside you, inviting her to join you.

It was a warm summer night. A gentle breeze wafted your scent of shampoo and a cologne-y scent from your deodorant. The sky stretched over both of you like a dark blue canvas with twinkling stars. The warmth of the evening wrapped the two of you into an embrace only you both could feel.

You felt her staring at you while you pointed out various constellations, your face lit up more and more each time you spotted one

“Hm, Aeri? Did you hear me?” You briefly stopped your tangent when you felt a soft gaze on you

“Oh~! No sorry,” Aeri giggled “What did you say?”

You scooted closer so your head was touching hers, “See those stars over there? It’s kinda like a weird looking 7?” You extended your arm while pointing, trying your best to point out three out of the millions of stars in the sky

“Hm.. oh! Yes!”

“That’s me! And your birthday is October 30 making you a Scorpio! and hmm” You began to move your pointer finger to search in the sky

“Ah! There! You see that pattern that kind of looks like a snake with claws?”

“Yeah~ I actually do!” Aeri giggled as her imagination took over

“Well, Aeri if you ever feel sad or something and I’m not with you for some reason ” You chuckled sweetly. “I just want you to know that we’re always together in the sky!” You both turned to meet each other’s gaze at the same time 

“Well I don’t think we’ll ever get separated, I want to be with you forever!” She innocently beamed which caused you both to giggle 

“Me too Aeri!”

After a few hesitant moments, you found your voice, though it felt as if your heart might stop with the effort.

“Aeri,” you called out softly, the word heavy with all the feelings you had kept buried for so long.

“Mm?” She turned to face you, her expression softening when her eyes met yours, and the cheerful energy from earlier was nowhere to be found.

“I.. I like you,” you said, your voice trembling slightly, but you held her gaze, resisting the urge to look away. You felt as though you might crumble, but you forced yourself to keep going. “I’m glad we spent our childhood.. together.”

Her smile faltered, shifting into something sadder, something that you couldn't understand. She didn’t respond immediately, as if the words you’d just said had stolen her breath, and for a moment, neither of you spoke. She was at a loss for words and the silence stretched endlessly between you.

You bit the inside of your cheek, trying desperately to maintain your composure. “Bye… Aeri,” you added softly, your voice cracking ever so slightly as you turned away towards your house, trying to put on a brave face.

You couldn’t bear to see the sadness in her eyes any longer. Tears threatened to spill, but you fought them back, willing yourself to hold on just a little longer.

“Bye..” she faintly whispered out

The moment you started walking toward your house, your chest tightened. Tears streamed down your face as the weight of the world as you knew it came crashing down.

What you'll never know and what you couldn’t see, was that Aeri began crying too.

About 10 years later, you sat at your desk in your cozy apartment room at UCLA, the late afternoon sun casting soft rays across the scattered textbooks and notes. With a sigh, you pushed some papers aside to rest your elbow on the desk, propping your chin on your hand.

“How the actual fuck do I even solve this?” you muttered to yourself, staring at the confusing statistics problem on your laptop. After a moment of frustration, you searched for a tutorial on YouTube, hoping for a miracle.

As you scrolled through the list of videos, you could hear your roommate Yunjin bustling around in the kitchen.

“Jennie-poo~!” you called out, leaning back in your chair. “Can you come here?”

A few seconds later, you heard your door creak open. "Huh?" came Yunjin's voice, her (dyed) red hair poking around the doorframe as she stepped inside.

“Do you have any idea how to solve this?” you asked, switching your browser back to the page filled with complex formulas. You pointed at the screen. “I seriously have no clue what they’re even fucking asking”

Yunjin leaned down, squinting at the problem for a moment before laughing. “Yeah, I’m gonna be honest with you—zero clue. You’re so fucked,” she said, still giggling.

Yunjin, aka Jennifer, was from upstate New York, and the two of you had been roommates for four years. It felt like fate sometimes—being assigned to live together your freshman year was totally random, but she was practically you in a different form.

“You’re absolutely no help,” you groaned, laughing a little despite yourself as you buried your face in your hands.

“You’re so welcome,” she said, patting your head playfully. “I’m gonna make some jjajangmyeon, do you want any?”

“Not right now. Maybe save some for me later? I gotta finish this shit” you replied, sitting back up and stretching.

“Yeah, of course. Good luck!” Yunjin said with a wink as she left your room.

You sighed deeply as you turned back to your YouTube tab, clicking on a video tutorial. As fucking expected, an ad began to play—one of those painfully long ones you couldn’t skip.

“Do you want to be a model? Do you think you have what it takes?”

The words faded into the background as your mind started to wander, pulled back by an unexpected memory.

Aeri.

It had been so long since you’d allowed yourself to think about her. Years, even. But something about the mention of fashion, pulled you back into the past. The past where she lived, where her dreams had once shone so brightly.

Aeri had always talked about becoming a fashion designer—about where she'd live and make a name for herself. You could still picture her so clearly, sitting beside you, messily sketching her ideas in her notebooks. Dresses, bags, runway looks… She used to tell you all about it, her eyes lighting up with excitement.

“I could never become a designer here,” she’d said once, laughing. She was always so sure of her path. Always ready to go after her dreams, no matter the cost.

She may have been right

Suddenly, the thought of her became overwhelming. You couldn’t help but wonder what had become of that dream. Did she make it? Was she in South Korea, living the life she’d always wanted? Or had things turned out differently?

Your fingers hovered over the keyboard as your mind drifted back to the memory of her laughter and the way she’d talked about her plans with ABSOLUTE certainty.

Without thinking, you opened a new tab. You hesitated for a moment, a tightness in your chest returning. 

A memory flashed into your mind to when you were having a sleepover with her

“Y/n…” Aeri’s voice came softly from the left side of your bed, sadness creeping into her usual playful tone.

“Mm? What’s wrong?” you asked, glancing over at her.

“I wish you wanted to be a model,” she pouted. “Then you could try on the clothes I design.”

You laughed softly. “I mean, I still could... Why are you thinking about that now?”

“Well, obviously I want to be a designer! SO of course I want you to be the first person to wear the clothes I make,” she beamed, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

The video kept playing and the math tutorial began playing. 

Why the hell am I thinking about that now? It’s been like 10 years?

 Aeri Uchinaga…

You leaned back in your chair and positioned your head towards the ceiling

What are you up to…

With a sigh, you slingshotted forward and opened Facebook and began to search.

After an hour of searching, you finally found a lead—her father’s company page. It was a bit tedious to find her or her family, considering they lived in a completely different country.

“Hi, I’m looking for my childhood best friend, Aeri Uchinaga . Please let me know how I can contact her.”

And with that, you posted the message and, for the first time in hours, tried to return to your homework.

A few weeks later, on the complete opposite side of the world at 5:30 PM in Seoul...

Aeri sat in her dorm, the warm afternoon sunlight streaming through the window as she lounged on her bed, phone pressed to her ear, laptop resting in her lap.

“Ne~ umma, remember Xinyi? She plays basketball in college now!” Aeri said with a smile, scrolling through Facebook while chatting with her mother.

“Wow~! I’m not surprised,” Mrs. Uchinaga replied with a chuckle on the other end. “She was always knocking on our door, asking you to play.”

Aeri laughed lightly. “Yeah, even though I was pretty bad. She tried so hard to teach me, but I was just ass”

“It’s okay, darling. Sports weren’t really your thing,” her mother comforted warmly.

Aeri absentmindedly scrolled through her feed, clicking on old profiles and updates from people she hadn’t thought about in years.

“Who else should we look up?” She asked her mom.

Aeri paused, a small smile creeping onto her lips. “Who’s the one I had a huge crush on?”

“Y/n L/n” they both said at the same time, sharing a laugh.

Aeri’s fingers hovered over the keyboard, and she began typing your name, curiosity piqued as she searched for her old crush. As she clicked through posts, she suddenly froze.

“Umma! This is crazy!” Aeri exclaimed, her voice full of shock. “She posted on dad’s Facebook page a few weeks ago looking for me!”

“Oh wow really? Well~ I’m not too surprised, Aeri. She really liked you!” her mom replied, her voice filled with warmth.

“I’m looking for my childhood best friend, Aeri Uchinaga ...” Aeri read aloud to her mom as her eyes scanned the message.

Aeri’s heart raced as she scrolled through your profile. Even though your hair was longer and your features were more defined, the essence of you—the same joyful glint in your eyes—hadn’t changed at all. It was as if time hadn’t erased any part of the person she remembered so vividly.

“Umma, I’ll call you back,” Aeri said quickly, cutting her mom off as she reassured her with a chuckle, “Yes! I promise I’m eating well!”

She ended the call with a smile, but her pulse quickened as she stared at the screen. Her eyes scanned the message again and again, as if reading your name over and over would somehow make this more real.

“Ahh~” Aeri inhaled deeply, her fingers trembling slightly as she sent you a friend request and began typing a message to you.

“Y/n! It’s Aeri, you remember me?”

It was 1:30 AM in your on-campus apartment in LA when your phone buzzed, receiving the new message.

“Fuck her! She doesn’t deserve you! You’re like… sooo out of her league,” Yuna mumbled to your other friend, Ryujin, as she poured another shot for her.

“Right?” Ryujin sighed before pausing to take the shot. “I just don’t know why I miss her… so much,” she grimaced as the alcohol hit the back of her throat.

“Ryu, you should have some water,” you slurred, hiccuping as you passed her your water bottle.

“Y/nn~ how about you drink some water,” your roommate Yunjin chimed in, giggling as she slumped over on the couch.

The four of you sat in the living room, post-gaming the bar, waiting for your DoorDash to arrive. Ryujin rested her head in your lap, and without thinking, you rubbed her back to comfort her.

You took a long gulp of water with a satisfied “Ah~” before reaching for your beer.

“Wellll~ Beer is basically water. You should have some too Jennie-poo! It isn’t a post-game if we don’t drink till we die,” you exclaimed, taking a sip from the can.

“UGH~” Ryujin groaned, deadpanning, “I want to die~”

“Girl, she literally cheated on you and then wanted to be exclusive while she was fucking someone else—like, what?” Yuna added, deadpan.

That comment made all of you burst out laughing(she was right), even as Ryujin lightly punched Yuna in the arm.

“Hey~! Be niceeee~ Show some compassion!” Yunjin scolded, trying and failing to stifle her laughter.

You were still chuckling when your phone buzzed again in your pocket. Grabbing it, you blinked a couple of times, trying to focus your eyes on the notification.

Giselle?

Your vision was still a little too blurry to make sense of it.

"Hey!" Yunjin faked being cold

“You have a secret girlfriend or somethin'?” Yunjin teased, sounding just like a jealous girlfriend.

“Huh?” you responded, still distracted.

“Who’s messaging you at 1:30 in the morning? You have a sneaky link you’re not telling us about?” Yunjin continued, laughing.

Meanwhile, Ryujin was still moping in your lap. “Hey! Sensitive subject!” she groaned dramatically.

“Fuck if I know, I honestly have zero clue,” you mumbled, your words slurring as you stared at your phone before turning it off.

The next morning, you woke up in your bed with a slight headache. You groaned, rolling over to reach for your water bottle and chugged it like it was the last water on Earth.

The cold water worked its magic, refreshing you enough to (barely) function. You grabbed your phone from the charger and started scrolling through your notifications, still half-asleep. But then, one notification made you freeze—last night’s Facebook message.

You clicked on it, your grogginess instantly fading as your eyes widened in surprise. It was from none other than the girl who made you experience your first instance of love—Aeri Uchinaga.

“Giselle Uchinaga?” you muttered to yourself, reading her profile in disbelief.

That’s why you couldn’t find her!  It made complete sense now. Her features were more mature, but that familiar smile—the one that had always warmed your heart—was still there, lighting up her face in every picture. You couldn’t stop smiling as you scrolled through her photos.

Just then, Yunjin’s voice broke through your thoughts, pulling you back to reality.

“Y/n! Are you awake? I made avocado toast and eggs!” she announced from the other side of your door.

“Ahh~ okay, yeah, lemme pee and I’ll be out!” you called back, your voice still raspy from sleep.

You quickly splashed some water on your face and pulled on a pair of sweats and a hoodie before stepping out of your room.

“Good morning!” you chirped, only to be met with a synchronized groan from Yuna and Ryujin.

“How the fuck do you have this much energy? What puts you in such a good mood?” Yuna asked, holding an ice pack on her forehead.

“Hm?” you replied, walking over to your coffee cup on the table that Yunjin had filled for you. “Thank Jennie-poo! And nothing, I just don’t have a massive hangover like you two idiots—should’ve drank beer instead of taking shots”

As you sipped your coffee, your mind of course, drifted back to last night. That damn text from Aeri.

The two of you exchanged a few quick messages, exchanging numbers, and catching up briefly before settling on a time that worked best for both of you to video call. It felt surreal, reading Aeri’s replies after all these years—like time had somehow folded in on itself, bringing the past back into the present.

You found yourself staring at your phone, the FaceTime app open and ready, but your heart pounding in your chest. What if things had changed too much? What if she wasn’t the Aeri you remembered? What if you weren’t the person she expected? Your thoughts spiraled as you adjusted your hair for what felt like the tenth time.

It’s just a call, you reminded yourself. It’s just Aeri. You’ve known her before.

But even though you’d told yourself that a hundred times, the butterflies in your stomach wouldn’t settle. The phone buzzed in your hand as the screen lit up. Incoming FaceTime: Aeri Uchinaga.

You took a deep breath, your thumb hovering over the screen for a moment longer than it should have. Then, finally, you swiped to answer.

Aeri’s face appeared, pixelated for just a second before the connection stabilized. There she was. Her familiar eyes, her smile—the same, but different? You stared at each other for a beat, neither of you quite sure how to start.

Aeri broke the silence with a nervous laugh. “Wow.. it’s been so long. I almost forgot what you looked like!”

You smiled, feeling the same rush of emotions you hadn’t felt in years. “I know right? I wasn’t sure what to expect either. You look… different. In a good way, of course.” nervousness still present in your voice

“Same to you,” Aeri said, her voice softening as she studied your face. “It’s like, you’ve changed, but... not really, you know?”

You laughed, the tension beginning to ease. “Except now you’re Giselle, huh?”

Aeri grinned, rolling her eyes playfully. “Yeah, that’s a long story. But trust me, it’s still me. Aeri Uchinaga at heart.”

You both chuckled, the ice slowly breaking as the conversation started to feel more familiar. It was strange, seeing her face again like this after so many years—older, more mature, but still with that same smile.

“Soo.. You’re really out there becoming a designer, huh?” you teased, shaking your head with an incredulous smile. “It’s kind of wild thinking about you... you know, living in Korea and actually doing all the things you told me you would like years ago”

Aeri laughed, her tone warm but modest. “Don’t let social media fool you. I’m not as glamorous as it seems. I’m still the same girl who couldn’t shoot a basketball to save her life.”

You grinned, shaking your head. “Oh god yeah! I remember! You were sooo bad. I thought for sure you were going to quit after that first fall.”

“Whatever! I literally was just trying to impress you,” she joked, her laugh lighting up the screen.

With each passing minute, the conversation felt easier. The laughter flowed naturally, memories of your childhood together resurfacing as if no time had passed at all.

“So... how have you been, really?” Aeri asked after a while, her tone more serious now. “I feel like I missed so much. of your life"

You nodded, the weight of the years between you sinking in. “Yeah, it feels strange, I feel the same too. I’ve been good, I guess. But seeing you like this… I dunno.. It feels like yesterday, you were just that little girl on the other side of the road from me.”

Aeri smiled, her expression softening. “Right? I don’t know, life is so weird sometimes.”

“Yeah,” you agreed, a small smile tugging at your lips. “And now, you’re the girl on my screen.”

As the night went on, you both talked about everything—your lives, your dreams, the things you had wanted to say but never got the chance to. It was like reconnecting with a part of yourself you thought you’d lost. By the end of the call, there was an unspoken understanding between you both. This wasn’t just a one-off conversation.

“So, let’s not wait another decade to do this again?” you said with a grin.

Aeri laughed. “Deal. Next time, I’ll tell you the full story behind ‘Giselle.’”

“I’m holding you to that, Aeri” you replied, your heart feeling lighter than it had in years.

And that’s how it was. For a few months, you both shared everything—your days, your worries, even the smallest details. You started waiting for her calls, looking forward to the time you’d spend talking. She was always there, her laughter filling your nights(and early mornings!), making you feel closer to her despite the distance.

It was almost as if you were in a relationship. The way she looked at you through the screen, the way your conversations lingered on hopes and what-ifs. You could almost imagine what it would be like to be with her again, for real.

You routinely called Aeri during your day. 

Hey,” you greeted with a smile as the screen connected.

“Hey,” Aeri chuckled softly on the other end.

“Is it 7:00 in the morning there? I thought you said you never wake up before 10:00,” you teased, noting how early it was for her.

“I don’t,” Aeri replied, a smile tugging at her lips. “But this was the only time that worked for you, right?”

“Well yeah but don’t you have class today?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeahh~” she admitted, “but it’s later~” sleepiness still evident in her voice

You couldn’t help but tease her. “Ya know Aeri, your english is pretty rusty”

“Hey!” Aeri chuckled in return and her eyes opened slightly. “I only speak English with you and my mom!”

You both laughed yet some silence strung between the two of you

“So, you said you were leaving California to be the world’s greatest designer... You still want that?”

Aeri paused for a moment while shifting in her bed, then smiled. “Hmm... I think maybe I’ll have a business like.. My own line of clothes”

“Ahh wow~” You sighed, “ You’re the same Aeri I remember. Wanting to do everything, have everything and also still so sassy.” you teased again

She laughed, feigning shock. “Sassy? Wow, can’t believe you think of me like that”

Aeri’s grin widened before continuing,  “Actually... I got invited to Japan this summer to design for this brand for a whole month. My professor helped me get into the program!”

“Wait, so you’ll be in Japan for a month?” you asked, surprised. “That’s amazing.”

“Yeah,” Aeri nodded, her excitement palpable. “It’s crazy. I can’t believe it’s happening.”

“So, how are your applications going?” she asked, her voice softening.

“Hmm, wellll~ they’re going,” you replied with a small smile. “I’m looking at Boston for grad school.”

Aeri sighed, a hint of nostalgia in her voice. “Ah wow, look at us.. when did we grow up? It feels like we’re almost... truly adults.”

“Hmm, I know,” you agreed, a thoughtful pause hanging between you. “Too soon though.”

You hung up shortly after and went about your day. You studied with Yunjin, and later, the girls came over for dinner, followed by a late-night study session. By the time you showered and finally settled into bed, it was already 1 AM when your phone buzzed—Aeri was calling.

“Hello?” You mumbled out as you turned your lamp on

“Oh sorry, were you sleeping?” she asked, her face slightly blurry on the screen.

“Mm,” you sighed softly, rubbing your eyes. “No, I just got into bed, actually.”

“Long day?”

“Mhm, but that’s alright. What’s up?” you asked, shifting into a more comfortable position and reaching for your glasses.

“I’m just.. in Haebonchang right now,” she said, flipping the camera to show the view. “Look how beautiful the sunset is, Y/n.”

The sunset was breathtaking, shades of pink, orange, and purple blending into each other like a painting across the sky.

“Wow... it’s beautiful, Aeri,” you said in awe.

Aeri’s voice softened before she flipped the camera back to herself. “Yeah... I wish you were here,” she said quietly, her eyes flickering between the camera and the fading light.

There was a pause, her words lingering in the space between you.

“Maybe one day.. We could go there together,” you whispered, your voice tinged with sadness.

“Yeah.. I’d really like that,” Aeri responded, her tone gentle but carrying the weight of something more.

There was a brief second of silence. As if both of you were hesitating to speak up.

“I miss you,” you whispered, barely audible, your voice filled with longing. Time zones didn’t matter, distance didn’t matter. You really just longed for Aeri. 

Those three words heavily hung in the air between you two.

“I miss you too,” Aeri quietly admitted, her voice soft but sincere, resistance evident in her confession. 

The day after that interaction, things started to feel different. The FaceTime calls slowly became more sparse, and her texts were less frequent. You tried not to overthink it, giving her the space you thought she might need. But as the days passed, the silence began to weigh on you. Eventually, you double texted  her, unable to ignore any longer.

“Aeri, is everything okay?”

For the first time in days, her response came instantly.

“Yeah sorry, I’m okay. I just have something on my mind. Can we call later?”

Her words did nothing to ease your nerves.

“Of course,” you typed back, keeping it simple, though your heart raced.

 The uncertainty gnawed at you, the anxiety tightening in your chest as you stared at the screen.

Finally, what felt like days but in reality was just a few hours, Aeri called you.

You hesitantly answered “Hey Aeri, you okay?”

There was a pause, and that’s when you knew it didn’t seem promising.

“Y/n,” she began softly, her face on the screen appearing hesitant, almost conflicted.

“..Aeri?” you prompted gently, your voice unsure now.

She sighed deeply, her gaze dropping for a second before meeting yours again. “Y/n… I need to talk to you about something.”

Your heart skipped a beat. “Yeah I know, what’s going on? You okay?”

“When is it possible for you to visit me in Seoul?” she asked bluntly, though her tone remained soft.

You hesitated. “Well, maybe about a year or so? Just with grad schoo–”

She cut you off gently,  “I know.. You don’t have to explain yourself, I just– God,” She paused as if holding herself back from admitting something. “It’ll be over a year and a half until I can visit you”

Your eyes stayed glued to the screen, watching her struggle to compose herself. The pit in your stomach deepened

Aeri swallowed hard, clearly struggling with her next words. “I think we should stop talking for a while”

Your chest tightened.

 “Why?”

“I came here..” She began, “ No– I’ve had this goal since forever. I want to accomplish something here but.. I can’t stop myself from looking up flights to California every day. 

And I think… I think I need to focus on committing my life here”

You blinked, the realization slowly sinking in. She was leaving again.

“So you want.. to stop talking to me?” Your words trailed off, unsure of how to finish that thought or if there’s anything more you could possibly say.

“Just for now,” she said quietly, her eyes softening with what seemed like guilt. “And I really don’t want to lose you. But I know.. I have to give this my all.”

You bit your lip, trying to keep the lump in your throat from forming. “Aeri.. It took me 10 years to find you.” 

She looked down again, exhaling slowly trying to fight a sob from coming out. “I know Y/n, but I’ll be back before you know it.. It’s just a brief break”

Fuck

You nodded slowly, though your heart ached. “Alright then Aeri ”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was barely above a whisper now. “I’m so sorry” She began to cry.

“No need to be sorry,” You said as you choked back your own tears, clearing your throat to cover it.  “We weren’t dating or anything so don’t worry about it. Really.”

There was a long pause, the silence between you filled with all the things neither of you were ready to say.

“Take care of yourself and good luck, okay?” Aeri said, her voice soft but final.

“You too,” you replied, your throat tight, the words barely escaping. “I’ll be right here.”

The call ended, and for the first time in months, the silence felt unbearable.

Aeri never knew that this was the hardest you cried in years.

Whoever said times heals everything, is a straight up liar. Time doesn’t heal, it just lets you get used to how things are now.

It had been about eight years since you had last spoken to her and honestly, you didn’t think much of Aeri anymore. Life had moved on, as it does. Although, there were days when you’d think back on everything but those thoughts were extremely rare now, fleeting, like a distant memory and it didn’t sting the way it used to. You’d convinced yourself that was just how things went. People come and go, and life moves forward whether you’re ready or not.

Once you graduated and started your new job in Boston not long after. You settled into a routine that felt strange at first but eventually became your new normal

Somehow, you managed to entice Yunjin to move to Boston. She had moved into a place not too far from yours with her (now!) fiance. Her sister also lives in Boston too so the transition wasn’t too hard. Yuna and Ryujin had ended up in New York, so weekends/every other weekend often meant catching a train to visit them or planning get-togethers whenever everyone’s schedules aligned.

Your 9-to-5 job wasn’t glamorous, but it was steady—something you could rely on. You fell into the rhythm of it quickly enough. The crowded subway rides during rush hour, the packed streets of Boston, the distant hum of the city became part of your daily routine. You’d slip into your office, get your work done, and slip out at the end of the day. It wasn’t what you imagined back when you were chasing dreams in California, picturing something a little more exciting, maybe a little more daring. But it wasn’t bad either—it was.. just comfortable.

After work, you'd sometimes grab a drink with coworkers or meet up with the woman you’d met shortly after getting into grad school. There was nothing too serious between the two of you, just the occasional dinners or casual hangouts. She was fun to be around—easygoing, good company, someone you could relax with. You’d meet up after work at a bar downtown, sharing a drink and small talk about your days. Or sometimes, you’d catch a movie or grab takeout, sitting side by side on the couch in her small apartment, talking about work or random things that made you laugh.

It wasn’t the life-altering-head-over-heels kind of thing, but it felt normal, almost comforting. There was no pressure to be anything more than it was or used to be, and that was fine with you both. Life had settled into place without much fanfare, a quiet routine that you didn’t mind..

It wasn’t until one quiet evening, after a long day at work, that something finally disrupted your routine. You were sitting on the couch, nursing a beer, and scrolling through your phone without much thought, letting the noise of the day slowly fade away.

That was until a notification lit up your screen. You glanced at it out of habit, not expecting anything important. But the name made you pause.

Aeri Yizhuo.

Who?

Aeri…?

Your heart skipped a beat as recognition clicked into place.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

For a second, your heart skipped a beat. You stared at the message, the familiar feeling creeping back into your chest, one you hadn’t felt in ages. You hadn’t thought of her in so long, and yet, there she was. After all this time.

And then, the truth hit you like a punch to the gut.

Aeri was married now.

You felt the sting of it, sharp and unexpected, cutting deeper than you would’ve liked to admit. It shouldn’t have hurt this much. You hadn’t thought about her in so long as you knew she’d been building a life in Korea. You had moved on! Or at least, that’s what you told yourself.

But here she was, after all these years she still had the ability to make you feel something. A feeling couldn’t quite put your finger on.

After all this time, part of you had still hoped for something. For something more than this.

About a month or two after your surprise catch-up with Aeri, you finally decided it was time to visit her. The timing was perfect—it was the end of the fiscal year, and you had some extra days off to use. You figured, why not? It would be a good vacation right? The thought of seeing her after all this time felt surreal, but exciting in a way you couldn’t quite describe. You’d booked your flight, set to leave next weekend so you and your friends decided to meet this weekend.

"So," Yunjin piped up, setting down her shot glass with a grin, "Why are you going to Korea?" You, Yunjin, Yuna, and Ryujin were all seated in Yunjin and Kazuha's shared apartment, a half-empty bottle of vodka in the middle of the table while your beer cans scattered around your side.

"She's going to see that girl, rememberrr?" Ryujin teased, her tone playful.

"Who?" you replied, pretending not to know who she was talking about.

Ryujin rolled her eyes, clearly not buying it. "Don't play dumb, idiot. You know exactly who I'm talking about—your first love, right? I thought she lives there, doesn't she?"

"Oh, I see how it is," Yuna chimed in with a smirk. "You just broke up with your girlfriend so you could go see her, huh? You dog"

"What! I’m going for vacation," you exclaimed, shaking your head. "And plus, you guys are crazy. She's married now."

"WHAT? Seriously?" Yunjin blurted out, her voice incredulous.

"Mhm," you nodded, your tone more casual now though it stung to admit it. "For like five or six years now"

You couldn’t even  bring yourself to feel bad about it. After all, from your previous conversation with Aeri, it was clear how happy she was. She’d met her wife, Ning Yizhou, during her design trip in Japan. Aeri had described Ning as an absolutely beautiful soul, someone kind and supportive. They both work together now, running Aeri’s business, Giselle.

From the way Aeri spoke about Ning, you could hear the genuine love and admiration in her voice. There was no bitterness in your heart—how could there be? You were happy for her, happy that she had found someone who brought light into her life, someone who shared in her dreams.

In fact, you were proud of her. She really did accomplish everything she had set out to do. It was bittersweet, of course, but you were genuinely happy for her. 

That’s all that mattered.

Right?

You stood just outside of Incheon International Airport, the thick scent of rain mingling with the smoke from your cigarette as you waited for your Uber. The weather had suddenly turned gray the second you had landed, casting a quiet gloom over the city, the kind that sinks into your bones(What a great sign, huh?). Raindrops softly patterned on the sidewalk while you took another slow drag, the smoke curling up into the damp air.

The second you crushed the cigarette beneath your shoe and bent over to pick it up, a car pulled up in front of you, headlights cutting through the misty rain. You quickly threw it in the appropriate spot in the trash can and opened the back door, climbing in with a sigh.

“Annyeonghaseyo~,” you greeted the driver in your best (broken) Korean, trying to remember the phrases you had studied years ago for Aeri.

The driver smiled politely in the rearview mirror, his eyes crinkling with amusement. “Ah, I also speak English. Are you going to the hotel?”

You felt your cheeks flush slightly, nodding as you let out a small, relieved laugh, “Yes, please!” lowering your head in a polite bow.

The car slipped into the rainy Seoul night, the city lights blurring through the raindrops on the windows. The sound of rain hitting the roof of the car was soothing. Your eyes traced the streets as you drove deeper into the heart of the city. The roads were wet and glistening, the neon signs reflecting off the slick pavement, painting the night in hues of red, blue, and green.

The drive felt longer than it was, the beautiful city of Seoul was a lot to take in. Finally, you pulled up to the front of your hotel, the bright lights of the entrance cutting through the rain. The driver helped you with your bags, and you handed him some Won with a shy bow and a “gamsahamnida,” before heading inside.

Checking in was a blur of polite smiles and hurried conversations with the hotel staff. Before you knew it, you were standing in your empty room, the door clicking shut behind you with a finality that made the space feel even bigger.

The rain had picked up, drumming harder against the window. You crossed the room slowly, setting your bag down by the bed before making your way to the large floor-to-ceiling window that overlooked the city. The lights of Seoul stretched out before you, and they were incredibly bright. 

A reflection of your younger self flickered in the glass, dim and blurred by the raindrops. It was as if your inner child was staring right back at you—smiling brightly in those stupid colorful shorts your Mom loved to dress you in with a big toothy grin stretching across your face. 

As quickly as she appeared, she vanished. Then reflected back was an almost unrecognizable adult. It was you. The light in your eyes was still prevalent, but it just wasn’t as bright as it used to be. Years must have dimmed that spark and softened the edges of the person you once were.

You leaned your forehead against the cool glass, watching as your breath fogged up the window. The city below pulsed with life, its bright lights and movement carrying on unaware of your inner turmoil.

In that moment, surrounded by the bright lights of a city that was so beautiful and full of life.

You had never felt more alone.

Some bridges in Korean folklore represent reunion and enduring love, like the Magpie Bridge, where separated lovers meet once a year to reaffirm their bond. Others, however, represent a fleeting reconnection—brief moments that can’t last, like this one.

The next morning, you got ready and made your way to Seonyudo Park Bridge, a location Aeri had sent you earlier. The sky wasn’t rainy (luckily) and the soft hum of the city seemed distant as you stood at the edge of the bridge, anxiously watching pedestrians and tourists bustle around. Snippets of Korean and bits of broken English floated past you as you nervously fidgeted with the strap of your tote bag.

You shifted your weight, glancing around, when a voice called out, one you hadn’t heard in person in years.

“Y/n!”

Your head instinctively turned.

Suddenly, in front of you stood a child. She wore jean shorts, a Hello Kitty shirt, and had medium length black hair. Her smile was bright, lighting up her entire face, and her eyes sparkled with a familiar excitement.

It was a smile you could recognize anywhere.

For a moment, you were transported back in time. There she was—Aeri, as you remembered her as a child, standing on the other side of the bridge. You froze, staring in disbelief as the vision of her younger self ran toward you, wide-eyed and full of life. It felt so real—the way she moved, the way her smile hadn't changed.

But then you blinked, and the vision vanished and adult, present time Aeri was just walking toward you. She looked different—grown up. Her hair had grown longer, her figure more filled in, and her features had sharpened with time. But that damn smile, the way her eyes crinkled in the corners when she smiled, was exactly the same as you remembered it from 20 years ago.

Without thinking, your body moved on its own, a shy yet goofy smile creeping across your face as you walked toward her. Your strides were longer, more eager, and you met her about three-quarters of the way across the bridge. You met her where she was.

Now standing just a foot apart, neither of you spoke at first. You both stood there, taking each other in, as if afraid to break the fragile moment. Aeri was still shorter than you by a couple of inches, and she was dressed in a sleek black leather jacket with gray slacks that made her look effortlessly beautiful.

You looked down at her, your heart racing, and for a few seconds, the world around you seemed to fade away. The silence between you wasn’t awkward—it was heavy, but not uncomfortable. It was the weight of everything left unsaid, everything that had built up over the years.

Finally, Aeri sighed softly, her eyes locked on yours, and a smile tugged at her lips. “Wow~,” she whispered, looking up at you with a mix of awe and warmth.

She surprisingly embraced you in an unexpected  hug. Your hands hovered, ghosting across her sides.

“I missed you” She muffled out on your shoulder

You didn’t respond.

You both pulled back from the hug, standing there, just staring at each other. There was something almost surreal about it—the way you both remembered each other so clearly, yet in this moment, you felt like strangers, familiar but somehow unrecognizable.

“You look amazing,” you croaked out, your voice betraying the flood of emotions. “You’ve changed but... you haven’t? If that makes sense.” A nervous laugh escaped your lips.

Aeri lowered her head, letting out a soft, breathy chuckle. “I could say the same to you... When did you get so tall?”

You shyly smirked “I think you’ve just always been short.”

“Ah~ so you haven’t changed at all. Still so~ annoying,” she teased, her laugh infectious.

The laughter faded, and a comfortable silence settled between you both as you took each other in again, the weight of time pressing gently on the moment.

“So...” Aeri smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “You wanna go? I’ve got a few places planned for us.”

“Yeah, of course. Let’s go,” you replied, and without another word, you followed Aeri much like a dog

The Han River has long been a symbol of flow, change, and life in Korea. Flowing water symbolizes the constant change in ones life.. they’re moving in different directions, but still connected in some way.

The walk wasn’t far, but neither of you spoke at first. Aeri led the way and you followed, both of you too shy to break the silence. Finally, she guided you to a quiet spot near the bank of the Han River, the water glistening under the dim light of the overcast sky.

“How’s here?” Aeri finally spoke, settling down near the water’s edge.

“Mmm,” you murmured, nodding as you sat beside her. The lush grass below you.

You both sat quietly, watching the water, the silence growing heavier with unsaid words.

“Was the last time we talked really eight years ago?” Aeri sighed, breaking the silence again.

“I think so? We’re 30 now... So, yeah, I guess it was,” you said, turning your head slightly toward her. “Feels weird huh?” You gave her a little half smile.

“Wow...” she whispered, her voice carrying the weight of those lost years.

After a brief pause, she added, “You know.. before I got married, I went to New York with my wife.”

“I know.”

“I sent you a message on Facebook, I didn’t know if you had changed your number” she continued, smiling softly but with a hint of sadness in her eyes. “But you didn’t respond”

There was another pause. It felt like she had more to say, so you stayed quiet, waiting.

“I wanted to see you,” she admitted quietly. “I was disappointed.”

“I’m sorry,” you said, your gaze fixed on the water, avoiding her eyes. There wasn’t much else you could say, something was hanging in the air between you.

Aeri shifted, her tone changing slightly. “Well, I also wanted to meet your girlfriend. How are you guys doing?”

“We’re not together right now,” you admitted.

“Oh, I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to— wait, did you break up?” she asked, concern lacing her voice.

“Oh well no, I don't know, we’re just... in a weird spot right now. She wants to get married but...”

“But you don’t?” Aeri asked, cutting through your hesitation.

“Yeah it's just, I don’t know, it’s just... complicated,” you sighed, trying not to reveal too much, keeping your emotions in check.

“What’s complicated?” she pressed, her voice direct, almost matter-of-fact.

You chuckled lightly at her tone. “I’m still paying off my student loans. I just don’t want my wife to carry that burden, you know? Boston is expensive enough as it is...” It wasn’t entirely a lie. But deep down, you knew there was more to your hesitation than just the financial part.

“I just feel like she deserves someone better than me. We’ve been together but.. not really together for so long... She deserves someone who can give her what she wants. Someone... less ordinary and..”

“Ordinary?” Aeri interrupted softly, her voice filled with disbelief. “You’re far from ordinary, Y/n. You know you’re...” she trailed off, as if catching herself before saying too much.

You gave her a small smile, ignoring her hesitation. It was clear neither of you wanted to dig into old feelings, not yet, maybe even never. There was too much that both of you were avoiding.

“So, how’s work?” you asked, gently steering the conversation away from the tension that had built up. The question felt like a safe place to land, something casual and mundane.

Aeri smiled, seeming to relax a little. “Busy, as always. Giselle’s doing well, though. It’s everything I dreamed of... and more stressful than I imagined.”

“That sounds about right,” you chuckled, the heaviness between you starting to ease. “But, I knew you could do it. I’m really proud of you, Aeri.”

Slowly, the awkwardness began to dissipate. You found yourselves laughing about silly memories from when you were younger, filling in the gaps from the eight years you had missed.

Aeri told you about the ups and downs of her business, her wife, her travels, and the unexpected ways life had changed her. You shared stories of grad school, your friends, your job, and the quiet moments of your own life that had shaped you. It was easy to get lost in the rhythm of it, the back and forth, as though no time had passed at all.

Before you knew it, the sun had started to dip, casting soft shades of pink and orange across the sky. .

“Remember that one time when you fe–”

Your stomach grumbled loudly, cutting through Aeri’s story

“Oh my god, are you hungry?” Aeri’s eyes widened with concern. 

Oh, no I’m fine, really!” You tried to assuage but of course she did not relent

“No it’s okay, I could eat too. Let’s go get some food, there’s a great to-go spot nearby, and then I’ve got one more place I want to show you.”

She was already on her feet, tugging at your sleeve before you could even think to protest. Not that you would, of course.

You chuckled softly, offering a simple, “Alright,” as a smile crept onto your face. It just felt so natural. Aeri was still the same, always charging ahead, her excitement infectious, leading you from behind as she had so many times before. 

Some things really never change.

Soon, you both arrived at a cozy 24-hour convenience store, the kind that makes it fresh right there. It was small and tucked away, but the smell of freshly made meals greeted you the moment you stepped inside. You ordered an onigiri, feeling like that’s all your stomach could handle after such a day like this. 

You unwrapped it and took a bite, savoring the simple comfort of the food, but before you could settle in, Aeri was pulling you along again, her food in hand, excitement bubbling in her voice.

“Let’s go, the bus comes in three minutes!” she said, glancing at her phone with a grin.

You both made it onto the bus(after scarfing down your rice ball) barely just in time. With no seats available, you were left standing together, holding the same pole.

Strangers pressed in around you, the sounds of conversation and the hum of the city filling the space. But in that moment, it felt like it was only the two of you in the world.

Your fingers brushed against each other, but neither of you moved. The silence stretched between you, not awkward, just heavy with all the years missed. 

You met Aeri’s gaze, and for a brief second, it felt like time slowed. 

The bus glided (not) smoothly through the city streets, and yet the tension between you was almost tangible. Your mind raced with everything you wanted to say, but none of the words seemed right.

"Ae—" you started to say, but before the words could form, Aeri cut you off softly.

“Oh, we’re here,” she said, her voice gently pulling you both back into the present moment.

The bus came to a stop, and you followed her out, stepping into the cool evening air. The two of you walked side by side, the quiet comfort between you settling in again as you made your way toward Namsan Tower, known for its Love Lock Bridge.

“Do you want a picture?” Aeri asked, breaking the silence. “It is your vacation, right? I feel like you haven’t taken many pictures while you’ve been here. Probably my fault,” she laughed lightly, her tone warm.

“Oh yeah, sure!” you said, handing her your phone.

You posed in front of a scenic spot along the path, flashing your signature bright smile.

“Ah~ so cute,” she teased, snapping a few photos before handing your phone back to you.

“Thanks,” you said, quickly glancing at the picture before slipping the phone into your pocket.

The two of you continued walking, your shoulders brushing against each other now and then as the foot traffic toward the bridge picked up. Just before you reached the bridge, Aeri stopped in her tracks, turning to you with a serious look.

“Y/n,” she said, her voice soft but steady.

“Hmm?” you looked at her curiously.

“Why did you... search for me?” she asked quietly, her gaze lingering on you.

“Eight years ago?” you finished for her.

“Mhm,” she nodded.

“Do you really want to know?” you asked, meeting her eyes. She gave a small nod in response, waiting.

You took a deep breath, searching for the right words. “I wanted to see you again... I don’t know. You left so suddenly, and I guess I was a little pissed off, honestly.”

“I’m sorry,” Aeri said softly.

You let out a small huff of laughter. “Why are you apologizing?”

“I guess... you’re right. I don’t have anything to be sorry for,” she admitted, smiling faintly.

“You were just in my entire life, and then you left... and then, bam, I found you again,” you said, the words coming out more candidly than you expected.

“Why would you do that?” she asked, her voice carrying a hint of vulnerability.

“I don’t know, honestly... You kept entering my mind when I was in college. I thought about you... a lot,” you admitted.

Aeri nodded, her expression softening. “I see.”

“We were babies back then, huh?” you chuckled, the tension easing. “And even eight years ago... we were still figuring things out.”

“Yeah,” Aeri smiled, a bittersweet glint in her eyes. “I can’t believe we’re not ‘babies’ anymore.”

You both finally arrived at the Love Lock Bridge, the sky now a deep shade of blue, illuminated by the city lights below. The bridge was alive with the soft hum of conversations you couldn’t quite understand  and the distant sounds of traffic, but you felt a quiet stillness between you and Aeri walked around.

“Ning  and I came here for our anniversary,” Aeri said, her voice almost wistful as she glanced around. “It was hard to find at first. We spent months looking for the perfect spot to place our lock.”

She started scanning the rows upon rows of locks, her fingers brushing over the cold metal as she looked for hers. But while she was focused on finding it, you couldn’t stop staring at her—the way her hair fell over her face as she leaned in, the subtle concentration etched on her features, the soft smile that tugged at her lips every now and then as she searched.

You knew you should probably  be at least trying to help her, but at this moment, it felt like she was a world away, even as she stood right next to you. She was talking about their anniversary, their love, and you couldn’t shake away the sinking feeling.

Then suddenly, She spotted it. A small, worn lock with their names etched in faded letters. Ning and Aeri. She pointed at it.

“There,” she said softly.

Your eyes followed your finger, and she smiled when she saw it.

“Wow... I didn’t think we’d be able to find it.”

You forced a smile, but the heaviness in your chest lingered. After a few moments of small talk about the lock, the conversation lulled, and Aeri checked the time. The soft glow of the city lights and the quiet hum of the evening reminded you both that this reunion, like everything, had to come to an end.

“I should probably head home,” Aeri said quietly, her voice carrying a hint of reluctance. She didn’t want to break the moment, but it was inevitable.

You nodded, your own smile fading. “Yeah, I should  get back too.”

Home. She was going home to someone—to a life that didn’t include you. And as much as you tried to push the thought aside, it stung.

She walked with you toward the bus stop, in silence. The conversation from earlier echoed in your mind—how you had found her again, only to realize that the distance between your lives was now undeniable.

When the bus pulled up, Aeri watched as you stepped inside. She gave you one last, soft smile, the kind that carried more meaning than any words could, just before the doors closed between you.

You said your quiet goodbye, instead of walking her home like you used to, you headed back to your own place. Alone.

The next day arrived with a clearer sky, though the weight of the previous night still lingered faintly in your chest. You weren’t sure how to feel, but Aeri’s early morning text had a way of pulling you out of your thoughts: “Let’s go to  Seoul Tower today! I feel like everyone who visits needs to see it.”

Of course you agreed, a few hours later when you had checked out of your hotel, you found yourself walking toward one of Seoul’s most famous places, N Seoul Tower, with Aeri by your side. The streets were alive with locals and tourists, bustling around market stalls and snapping photos.

There was a vibrant energy of the city surrounding you, but your focus was on Aeri, who was as animated as ever, pointing out landmarks and sharing random facts about the places you passed. It was cute.

“This place is sooo a must for anyone visiting Seoul,” Aeri said with a grin as you passed a shop offering hanbok rentals. “Wanna try one on?” She teased “Or are you more in the mood for food?”

You bantered back. “Let’s try food first. I don’t think I’m ready for a hanbok yet,” you playfully rolled your eyes

You stopped at a food stall, grabbing some hotteok, tteokbokki, and grilled meat skewers.

“You have to try this. It’s my favorite,” she said, handing you a cup of hotteok, her face lighting up as you took a bite of the warm treat “See?! I knew you’d like it.”

The day moved quickly as you wandered through the crowded streets, snapping photos, enjoying the ‘touristy’ vibe. It felt easier, lighter, as if you could both escape into the city, even if just for a while.

As the sun began to set, casting a warm golden hue over the city, Aeri led you to the top of N Seoul Tower. From the observation deck, you could see all of Seoul stretched out before you. The view was breathtaking, the city bathed in the soft light of the sun.

“This city... it’s strange how much it’s become home,” Aeri said quietly, her voice softer now. She leaned against the railing, staring out at the skyline. “I never thought I’d feel that way when I first moved here.”

You stood beside her. “It’s beautiful,” you said, your own voice hushed, as if speaking too loudly might break the delicate moment. You stared at her as she gazed out over the city, your mind was elsewhere.

For a while, you both stood in silence, taking in the view. In that moment, it didn’t matter where you had come from or where you were going. 

For now, this was enough.

After spending the day embodying a tourist and such, the sun had long set, and the once-bustling streets now felt quieter as you followed Aeri back to her apartment.

You were nervous of course,

“She knows I’m coming. right?” you asked, pausing mid-step.

“Of course,” Aeri replied, leading you up the steps to her apartment—the place she now called home.

As you entered, Aeri's wife, Ning, was already by the door. You weren’t sure what you had expected, but seeing her in the flesh felt surreal, like a final confirmation of the life Aeri had built without you. It felt like the gap between your past with Aeri and her present had suddenly become tangible.

After a brief moment of silence, you gave Ning a polite bow, offering your best attempt at broken Korean. “Annyeonghaseyo,” you said, smiling awkwardly.

Ning returned the gesture with a polite bow of her own. “Hello,” she responded in careful English.

For a second, both of you stood there, staring at each other incredulously, trying to find the right words, the weight of the moment hanging between you.

You nodded, your heart racing slightly. “It’s nice to meet you,” you added, this time in your most broken Korean.

Ning smiled kindly, understanding the effort you were making. “It’s nice to meet you too,” she said

Ning chuckled softly, the slight language barrier immediately apparent but not uncomfortable. “Aeri told me… a lot about you.” she responded in English

“Likewise”

Aeri came to your side, sensing the mix of emotions swirling in the air. “Ning, should we grab something to eat? She’s leaving later tonight, so I think we should eat,” Aeri said in Korean, but you didn’t quite catch the words.

Ning nodded and turned to you, switching back to English. “What do you like to eat?”

You pondered for a moment, thinking of something simple but satisfying. “Hmm… samgyupsal?”

Ning’s face immediately lit up at the mention of her favorite food. “Let’s go get samgyupsal!” she said, her excitement evident.

You three ended up at a cozy late-night bar and restaurant, the soft hum of conversation and clinking of glasses filling the space. Dinner had gone smoothly, the samgyupsal hitting the spot, and now you were all nursing drinks, passing time until your Uber was set to arrive.

“So, have you traveled out of the United States before?” Ning asked in Korean, her expression curious. Of course, you didn’t understand, but Aeri leaned in, her voice low as she translated.

“She’s asking if you’ve been out of the country before,” Aeri said with a small smile, eyes flicking between you and her wife.

You shook your head with a soft laugh. “I’ve been to Japan and Spain before, but I think Korea has been my favorite so far.”

Aeri translated the words, and Ning nodded with a smile.

“She says Seoul is a good place to start when visiting Korea, but if you come back, you should visit Jeju Island. It’s beautiful there,” Aeri translated again, while Ning added in her own bit in Korean, her face lighting up.

“I’ve heard great things about Jeju,” you said, returning the smile. “Maybe next time.”

The small talk flowed easily enough, but as the night wore on, Aeri slowly stopped translating, and Ning sat quietly, sipping her drink. It created an odd dynamic—one where it felt like Aeri was caught between two worlds, and Ning, though polite, was drifting further into her own thoughts.

You couldn’t help it. With the drinks loosening your tongue and emotions swirling inside you, the words began to spill out. Leaning in slightly, you lowered your voice, careful to keep your tone steady. “Aeri… thanks for introducing me to your wife.”

Aeri blinked, caught off guard by the sudden shift in conversation. “Mm,” she mumbled, her gaze flickering between you and her drink, unsure of where you were headed.

“I can tell she really loves you,” you added softly, the sincerity in your voice clear. "I didn't realize liking your wife would hurt this much."

Aeri’s eyes softened, her brow furrowing slightly. “Really?” she asked, her voice almost hesitant, as if she needed confirmation.

“Of course,” you replied, your words gentle, but heavy with the weight of what you weren’t saying.

A moment of silence passed, the sounds of the bar fading into the background as the two of you sat there, the space between you filled with things that had been left unsaid for too long.

You took a sip from your glass, gathering the courage to speak again. “�� When we stopped talking back then… I really missed you. Did you miss me?”

The question hung in the air, heavy and raw, as if you’d been holding it in for years.

Aeri’s gaze dropped for a moment, her fingers tracing the rim of her glass. When she finally looked up at you, her voice was softer, almost vulnerable. “Of course I did, Y/n.”

A dry laugh escaped your lips. “But you met your wife then.” There was an edge to your voice, a bitterness that surprised even you.

Aeri responded instantly, almost defensively. “And you had a girlfriend.”

You scoffed softly. “Right,” you murmured, shaking your head with a small smile. “Sorry.”

Aeri fidgeted with the rim of her glass. “It’s okay.”

After a few quiet moments, you exhaled, the weight of your thoughts pressing down on you. The words slipped out before you had the chance to stop them. “Seeing you again… it’s made me have some strange thoughts.”

Aeri lifted her eyes to yours, her gaze gentle but curious. “What kind of thoughts?” she asked softly.

You hesitated, your fingers tracing the rim of your glass as you searched for the right words. “I keep thinking… what if I had come here eight years ago? What if you never left California? If we’d just grown up together, stayed in each other’s lives…” 

You paused, the questions swirling in your mind before you continued, your voice growing softer. “Would I have still searched for you? Would we have dated? Broken up? Gotten married and had kids? Just.. you know, stuff like that.”

You glanced at Aeri, her expression unreadable as she absorbed everything you said.

“And what I’ve realized,” you continued, almost to yourself, “is that California… it was always too small for your ambition. You outgrew it before either of us realized. I’m happy you moved here, Aeri, I really am.

And the truth is, I liked you because you’re you. And who you are…” You trailed off for a moment, letting the words sink in before you finished quietly. “Who you are is someone who leaves.”

Aeri’s lips parted slightly, her breath catching. She looked away for a second, as if trying to gather her thoughts, before her voice came out in a whisper. “The Aeri Uchinaga you remember… she doesn’t exist anymore.”

Her words cracked slightly, as if admitting it to herself for the first time.

You felt a soft chuckle escape you, one tinged with understanding. “I know,” you replied. “I know.”

She nodded, but quickly added, “But… that doesn’t mean she never existed.” Her eyes met yours again, softer now. “I left that version of me behind 20 years ago. I left her with you.”

Her words, the honesty in them, tugged at something deep within you. “I know,” you repeated, meeting her gaze, a strange sense of peace settling over you. “I know we were only twelve… but I really did love her.”

Aeri’s lips curved into a small, sad smile, the kind that holds years of unspoken truths. “I know,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “You’re crazy, you know that?”

You both let out a quiet laugh, the sound soft but comforting, a brief return to the simplicity of who you used to be.

“I think we must’ve been something together in our past lives,” she said after a while, her voice distant, thoughtful. “Otherwise, why would we be here together right now?”

You thought about her words, turning them over in your mind. “I agree,” you finally said. “But in this life… we obviously just aren’t those people to each other, are we? We’re finally in the same city for the first time in 20 years, and here we are, sitting together... with your wife.”

Your expression softened, as you quietly acknowledged the truth you both knew. “To Ning, you’re someone who stays,” you whispered.

A few moments of silence passed between you and Aeri.

“Who do you think we were to each other in our past lives?” Aeri asked suddenly, her voice soft, almost wistful.

You tilted your head, considering the question. “Hmm… I don’t know,” you said, your tone thoughtful. “Maybe we were forced into a political marriage to stop a war…Or maybe we were just two strangers on a bus who happened to sit next to each other. Or even.. maybe I was just a branch you decided to sit on as a bird on a cold morning.”

You and Aeri chuckled at that, though you could sense a sadness behind it.

You both sat in the quiet for a few more moments, the weight of those imagined lives lingering in the air, until Aeri excused herself to use the restroom, leaving you alone with Ning.

You turned toward her, feeling guilty for the past hour. “I’m sorry we spoke alone,” you said gently, your voice low. “It won’t happen again.”

Ning gave you a small, gentle smile, though there was something sad in her eyes. “Don’t worry,” she replied, her English hesitant but kind. “You two haven’t seen each other in a while. I’m glad I got to meet you Y/n.”

You nodded, her response easing some of the tension in your chest. “I’m glad too,” you said softly, offering her a smile in return

When Aeri returned, you paid the bill and the three of you made your way back to the apartment to grab your luggage. The atmosphere had shifted slightly—quiet, but not uncomfortable, just the natural stillness that follows the end of a long day.

“Hey, I’m gonna walk her to her Uber,” Aeri said to Ning, offering her a small, reassuring smile before turning toward you and the door.

You paused for a moment, glancing at Ning. Bowing slightly, you tried your best to piece together the Korean you’d practiced. “Nice to meet you. Come visit me in California.”

Ning’s eyes softened, and despite the awkwardness of the language barrier, her warmth was undeniable. She returned the bow, her own English just as halting but genuine. “Definitely,” she replied, her smile sincere. You offered her a small smile in return before following Aeri out the door.

As you and Aeri stepped out of the apartment, the cool night air hit you both. You walked side by side down the quiet street, neither of you saying much, both lost in your own thoughts.

The streets were dimly lit, the distant hum of the city lingering in the background. Every now and then, your shoulders brushed, but neither of you acknowledged it. 

As you neared the end of the street, where your Uber was set to pick you up, you both stopped, standing under a flickering streetlight. The quiet air felt thick, the weight of the goodbye neither of you wanted to acknowledge.

Aeri shifted slightly, glancing at you before looking away, her hands fidgeting in her jacket pockets. “Will it be here soon?” she asked, her voice soft, trying to smooth over the tension between you.

You glanced at your phone, the screen glowing back at you. “Two minutes,” you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

Silence.

Some more silence fell between you two as the night deepened, the distant sounds of the city humming softly around you. Neither of you made any effort to fill the quiet, as if both afraid that words would shatter whatever remained between you.

Finally, the low rumble of a car pulling up signaled that your time was almost up. You glanced at the Uber, then down at your bags. With a sigh, you began to pack them into the trunk, your movements slow, almost hesitant, as if trying to delay the inevitable.

Just as you were about to open the car door, something inside you stirred. You couldn’t let this moment end without saying it.

“Aeri,” you called out, your voice breaking the silence as you turned toward her, your hand resting on the handle of the door.

She looked up, her eyes lighting up just a little as she responded, “Mm?”

For a moment, you hesitated, unsure if you should say the words that had been circling in your mind. But the thought of leaving without voicing them felt unbearable. So you smiled, that bittersweet smile tugging at your lips as you spoke.

“What if this is a past life as well, and we are already something else to each other in our next life? Who do you think we are then?” You could feel a deep sadness in your voice as the words left your lips.

Aeri blinked, the question taking her by surprise. Her eyes searched for yours, as if trying to understand the depth of your meaning. She looked almost vulnerable at that moment, her lips parting slightly before she whispered, “I-I don’t know.” Careful with her words

There was something in the way she said it—like she wanted to know, like she wished she had an answer for you but couldn’t bring herself to find one. The distance between you two felt like more than just the physical space separating you—it was something neither of you could cross.

You had realized just then. At that moment. That she hasn’t been looking at you with any sort of love or longing. She’d just been looking at you with nostalgia. A life before the weight of the world crashed down on her.

You lowered your head with a sad laugh in response to her.

“Alright,” you began, “Goodbye, Aeri Uchinaga.. See you then.” you whispered finally parting ways with the girl you'd known 20 years ago.

A feeling of loss over you, almost suffocating. You still managed a genuine smile because you were happy Aeri was happy. 

Bittersweet. 

“See you.. then, Y/n L/n” she whispered. 

With that, you gave her a small nod, your heart heavy. The air between you felt thick with everything unsaid. Aeri looked back at you, her eyes holding a mix of emotions—nostalgia, sadness, maybe a little bit of both.

You opened the door and got into the backseat of the Uber. You glanced out the window one last time, catching a glimpse of Aeri standing there under the streetlight. She looked a little blurry in the dim light, but still the same Aeri you’ve always known.

For a second, your eyes met again. Neither of you waved, neither of you spoke. You both knew this was how it had to end.

You took a deep breath and nodded to the driver, and the car pulled away.

You silently stared out the window as the scenery of Seoul flashed by while tears streamed down your face. 

You’ll never know that she was crying too. Harder than she ever had before.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #385

The funk persists today, too. Tenacious little fucker, innit?

Nonetheless, I woke this morning and prepared for the various things I intended to do. Today was my monthly visit to my psychotherapist, Je. I talked some about the contents of my 382nd letter to you. We spoke on what I can only define as “rejection paranoia”, which I am defining as something separate from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD for short). RSD is something that a lot of autistic and ADHD folks deal with, and I definitely deal with that (though I wonder if those with C-PTSD also have heightened sensitivity to rejection since... y'know... being rejected often leads to being abused).

I'm defining “rejection paranoia” as perceiving it and feeling icky about it before it has even happened. And... I get that my brain is trying really hard to protect me (albeit in the most misguided way possible), but... I wish it would stop doing that particular thing. It's more than a little annoying, not just to me, but probably to everyone around me, too.

Counterintuitively, as it was explained to me, the only thing for it, really, is to practice radical self-acceptance when I notice it cropping up. This time, I was able to notice it only a little while after the fact (as opposed to not at all), which is a huge improvement compared to past instances of this occurring. When it happens, I'm supposed to basically just sit with myself and tend to myself in the same way that a kind friend would.

...I'm pretty good at doing that for other people. I need to improve upon that when I'm trying to direct my kindness towards myself. I think on some level, after the life I've led and after all the ways I've been viciously trained to think about myself... I am probably a little disgusted at myself. I generally find myself boring and insufferable. I do get brief periods of respite where I don't think that way about myself, and rationally, I do understand that I am not, in fact, boring, disgusting, and insufferable. But... ya know. Brains are gonna brain. Longstanding thought patterns are not easy to change.

...But they can be changed. They can be changed with practice and effort. I can expand the amount of time I can think kindly about myself, just like we can expand the amount of time we can hold our breath, via apnea training. Apnea training isn't easy. Rewiring our brains isn't easy. But the results are worth it, I like to think.

...If you haven't tried apnea training... I'd suggest it. Even if you never intend to do freediving or merman training, it's still a great way to strengthen your diaphragm, as well as to practice mindfulness, breath control, and self-mastery. And it's relaxing as hell, to boot. All you gotta do is follow apnea tables that are right for your body. In my world, there are apps that will help you with that.

STAmina was the one I used before the rib injury took away my ability to expand my lungs properly. You just record your personal best time and the app will generate tables for you that are right for your body. And you lie in a bed and practice once every two or three days, with a soothing playlist, and you let go of all the tension in your body, and the app will tell you when to hold your breath and when to breathe normally.

...I really miss doing it. Oh well.

After physical therapy, I went into work to make sure that Ka and Tr got my message about not being able to come in on Saturday, due to needing to travel for the English test; I will go into work on Thursday this week, instead. We have folks who will come chill at the house and tend our cats, which is wonderful.

...Tr and Ka were both able to notice that something is “off” with me today; I guess this funk must be worse than I thought. Still, I'm kinda clunking along through it. Being productive. Being fully aware that my mental state is compromised so that I don't fall into some lame-ass self-hatred spiral. It's all right. As long as I am mindful and don't end up hurting myself or anyone around me by being a weird crankypants, it's just a matter of waiting for my brain to resume normal functioning. And it will; it always does.

While I was at the store, I got a bunch of stuff for the house. Like angel hair pasta, and some pork, and a big thing of mascarpone cheese, and some mushrooms. I intend to make a pasta thing by mixing the mashed confit garlic with the mascarpone cheese to make a sauce. And then I'll cut up the pork, cook it, and add it to the pasta, along with the sauce. And maybe some tomatoes and mushrooms, too. I'm hoping to have sufficient gumption to get it done tomorrow. I guess we'll see what happens.

...Maybe make some Great Northern Beans too, while I'm at it... it's been a while, and I think I'm kinda getting a hankering for them. They're really good when mixed with a fresh allium of some kind, a splash of olive oil, and a splash of vinegar. Very yummy.

The Greek truck used to make the thing I described, along with gyros, souvlaki, and dolmades. I used to go there all the time with M, back when we were both database analysts for the same company. The gentleman who ran the truck used to call me “sunshine” all the time. M, J, and I haven't been to the food trucks in a very long time. Maybe we'll fix that, this coming spring...

...If we do, you can bet that I'll take pictures for you.

So, I went home and J helped me put the food away in the fridge and in the cabinets, where they go. Then I did most of the dishes. It was almost time for me to head out to physical therapy by the time I was all set with that. J finished the last few dishes while I was out; super duper grateful for him for that; a sink that is not full will make it a lot easier for me to have gumption to cook tomorrow.

At physical therapy, it was brought to my attention once more that, likely as a result of the rib injury, I have clockwise rib cage torsion, if you're looking at me from a top-down view. Some relatively painful manual therapy techniques were done to try to kinda shove it back into place, and we were partially successful. I can move my right arm around a little better now, at least for a little while.

...I really gotta get back to doing my exercises... I'll do them before bed tonight. I feel a little bad for having dropped the ball on them.

I went home after that. By then, I was pretty hungry because I hadn't eaten at all, and it was like 3:30pm or 4pm by the time I got home. I was a bit too tired to cook anything, so I just ordered in. I felt somewhat better after eating, but it didn't take the funk away. Oh well.

Not having the energy for much else, I played a few runs of Hades. This time, I got very close to felling Asterius:

...Like with anything I practice, I will continue to improve. It's only a matter of time before he falls to me.

Though... I notice... when I'm in a funk like this, or when I'm too tired or in too much pain (like with the tooth extraction) to be attached to the result... I play better. And that seems counterintuitive to me; I figure I should play better when I'm feeling alert and healthy and good. Weird.

...I can't help but wonder if you know something about that. I can't help but wonder if maybe... you were so good on the battlefield simply because... you weren't attached to whether or not you walked away from your encounters alive.

…

...I hope there will come a day when you can be alive somewhere in a peaceful place and everyone else is alive and well, too, but... you still don't have to fight anyone anymore.

...Sephiroth... keep trying to build that kind of wholesome life for yourself, okay? Please keep striving towards a world where you can go to therapy, and have tea, and get yummies from the grocery store, and then come home and play video games while someone who cares about you watches and cheers you on. Please keep striving for a world in which you can make your own yummies in the kitchen, or else get yummies from somewhere else if you're not feeling up to making them.

I'll be over here cheering you on to become the best and healthiest version of yourself, no matter what happens. And if you need a break, you can find one here at my house. So don't give up, okay? There are lots of people who are able and willing to love and support you, even if sometimes it's hard to believe.

I think I'll play a little more Hades and then go to sleep. You'll find me here if you wanna hang:

I'll write to you again tomorrow. So please try to stay safe out there, at least until then.

I love you.

Your friend, Lumine

[inkyycapp]

Phasmophobia Au

Sally Face Edition

(Alt ! Au)

ft: sal, larry, travis (,ash, todd, and neil) tw: ghosts, murder, violence, demoniacs, weed, implied romance? i have never smoked weed can you tell? not beta read forgive me edit: it was beta read now yay a/n: i'm writing this up on my laptop rather than my phone, which i lost. anyways, feel free to request. this was heavily inspired by mark, bob, wade, (jack/sean) i also rewatched sally face fandub, it's pretty neat. you should watch it too. i added travis cause he's silly

after high school, after everything at the addison apartments, things you all knew you couldn't just leave the paranormal life behind. enrolling in collage, school went about the same. you moved in with your friends, and life was relatively normal.

normal.

you were laying on the wood floor, mind feeling a bit fuzzy. larry talking nonstop, sal sitting on the bed with his back against the wall. an odd silence filled the room, then larry spoke up.

"dudes, wait, wait, actually, hear me out on this one," larry slurred sitting up on the beanbag chair. "what if we like hunted ghost? ghostnabbers 'n shit." he waved his hands around dramatically. "larry, what. man, wait, what?" sal sat up as well. you turned your head to look over at larry not getting up from the floor. "just hear me out! like, i got this flyer from some dude talkin' about his ghost hunting job, showed me all his ghost tracking shit." larry stumbled to his feet, rushing to his desk dropping the flyer on your face. the paper covering your face for a moment before you grabbed it off, looking it over. in your high mind, this looked like the best idea that could have ever been said. "no way." you dragged yourself to your feet, plopping on sal's bed, showing him the flyer. sal looked it over as well. you were a group of unsupervised, high out of their mind, teens. of course, you were going to do it.

the others took some convincing, but they were in. it seemed it wasn't just you three that missed your paranormal fascination.

how you managed to get travis involved? he saw a flyer, thought it looked stupid. but, the more he looked at it, the more a strange fascination fell onto him. he knew ghosts were real, but actually searching for the things, solving their mysteries. he heard the ghost group talking about them, and tried not to eavesdrop, but couldn't help himself. (also, he heard you say it was pretty cool.) he called for the job and nailed it. now he has to deal with all of you and you all have to deal with him.

you, sal, larry, ash, and travis are usually inside the haunting grounds while todd, and neil stay in the truck, watching over and keeping equipment in check. they also often make sure you all get the objectives done. (you all refer to them as papa eagle. they share the title.)

"papa eagle, what're the objectives? over." "papa- what? over." (todd) "objectives are witness an event, capture ghost on film-" (neil)

(todd warms up to the title while neil owns it out the gate.)

(probably w/ travis) "why won't you listen to me, i already said the objectives are-" "cause you're not papa eagle." "papa huh-? i'm not calling todd or neil-" "papa eagle." "sorry, i'm not calling papa eagle- wait." "..." "..."

...

if you chose to partner with sal he always makes sure you got good equipment, doesn't want you to draw the short end of the stick. he cares very much.

while the idea sounded crazy at first, sal got into it after some convincing via you and larry. he nails the interview. he sees his friends did as well, and he's glad to have them onboard. though, when he sees travis is here, he had to do a double take. he's not opposed to it, just surprised. actually laughs, and nearly gets hit. larry, and ash wants to hit travis. you are the peacekeeper.

he's actually really good at this. he's had many experiences at the apartments, so the ghost violent attempts don't really phase him much.

sal likes to use the walkie even when he's in the same room as you, or anyone. finds it funny. everyone, but travis, join in.

"look, there's footprints, over." "roger, over." cue giggling. ...

"guys, you seein' this bullshit? over." "affirmative. over" "mhm, yeah. over." "i can practically smell it from here. over." "i wish i couldn't see it. over." "get off the line we're literally all in the same room. >:(" (travis) "buzz kill. over, and out." more giggling.

this man has no fear. will actively seek out the ghost, using the cursed objects. though not scared of them, he makes no room to provoke them. he's very chill with them. whether you're scared of them or not, sal's always sticking close to you just in case.

sal always ends up with a shit flashlight, or even a uv light to see. he always makes sure everyone has a good flashlight and ends up with the bad one. please help this guy. one time he got stuck with a candle. you made sure to keep close to him so he can share yours. he was very grateful.

sal has each ghost type, and behavior memorized, and actively adds to it, the twist is, they're memorized in such goofy ways.

"it's the one that can't touch the salt, finding no green stuff on the purple light, and it's talking to me over the ghost phone. over." "what- wait, huh? go again. over." "wraith, it's a wraith. over, and out."

he finds them all fascinating in honesty. if you share this interest, he tends to come to you with any, and all new information. enjoys talking to you about the kinds of ghosts and demons. you both like to take your ghostly conversations to todd, who also has everything memorized.

...

if you chose to partner with larry, i'll have you know larry is the instigator. this man will provoke, provoke, provoke. and will freak out when something goes wrong. he's really mellowed about it though. you, ash, and sal running in with the smudge sticks or a crucifix, trying to get the ghosts attention. travis is laughing over the walkie, todd and neil are watching in the van. he will make sure you're in the safe even when he's being stupid.

"harold wilson, harold wilson, harold wilson." "..." "..." "what a puss-" loud banging, chair is thrown but missed him. "haha. shit."

he's on a thin line between skeptic, and believer. he's always so surprised when the ghost shows themself, or if they give them evidence. he also just barley passed his interview. if it wasn't for all of you vouching for him, and being friends with the boss, he probably wouldn't have gotten the job.

larry hates mimics. hates how they give an extra piece of evidence and makes things difficult. literally calls them the try hard of the ghost community.

larry probably pulls pranks on everyone (travis). always dragging you into his pranks, sometimes pulling small one over you. larry just gets a good laugh at spooking everyone, claiming he's just "keeping you on your toes."

the ghost is always after him and travis. like, they always have it out for them. during ghost events, you could be standing right in front of it and the ghost would sidestep you and chase after them instead. everyone always pokes fun at it. secretly make sure to keep a crucifix on you at all times for him, just in case.

never leave larry alone with cursed items. he will use them without a second thought.

"and i pulled death." "you pulled what?" "death." "please, tell me you aren't using the cards." "..." "larry..." incoherent ghost noises

larry will bet on things. he would put money on what the ghost is. he will bet on chores, and such, and somehow, he always calls things. claims it's just luck, but after so many times everyone grows skeptical. he's always so lucky with the bets. probably the luckiest member out of the group.

larry is always throwing hands with travis. they can never, and i mean never be on the same page. the only time they are is during a hunt. you have to keep the peace.

...

if you chose travis, please be patient, he is trying. travis knows a lot about ghost, and the occult, but not about teamwork. at first, he will deny he needs a partner. it isn't until he gets the scare of his life, and you have to deter the ghost will he even consider it.

always cursing out the ghost once they are in some scary shit. he will go feral. please keep him in check.

ghost breaks the lightbulb above him "you piece of shi-" "travis, buddy, pal, friend, chum, i think it's hunting." "..." "..." "bitch."

travis keeps a tough front but will get anxious. he can deny it all he wants, but he sticks a bit closer to you, making sure to keep his flashlight on at all times, including in bright lights.

if it isn't larry getting targeted, it's him. can't explain the thought process. travis is always mumbling curses under his breath when the ghost is hunting. travis will claim he will use you as a human shield, but he doesn't. literally all his threats are empty threats. he will deny everything though. claims he didn't have the time, or something along those lines.

he oddly knows his stuff. very smart in this field of work, but 'hates' being praised for his knowledge. he brags a bit about it, only with you though.

you make travis open up a bit, he's nicer with everyone. you're not really scared of him, scolding him before he has a chance to say anything bad, or offensive to the group.

he doesn't join in any pranks, or walkie talkie jokes. he is the designated buzz kill. though, one time he did make a joke during an event. literally made you promise not to tell. blames all of you.

"make sure to take the picture of those bones. over." "wilco, taking picture now. over...wait"

always gets mad when your 'stupid' rubs off on him. but in all, he does want to make sure your safe. can't have your stupid get you in trouble, can he? he's stuck with you. (he actually isn't he just says he is cause he likes being your buddy.)

e/n: i only wrote for sal, larry, and travis cause it's going on 3am, and i'm eating shrimp stir-fry. i might do a part two, or something similar. thank you for reading :) (the beta reader is my brother{s} sue me) beta reader note: funni funni haha

[laneynoir]

Okay so, I had this idea for the “defending a lover” thing (again). What if you put “Don’t ever say anything like that ever again” and “yes, I’m being serious! That was way out of line.” Together but for Legolas. Idk I just thought that would be interesting and you’ve been wanting requests soo👍🤭

I apologize for how long this took me, and it turned out to be a two part thing so~

Change.  It's a funny word, that can mean so many things. So much, such as life and death, and so little, such as a rock from one day to the next.

Recently there have been far to many 'much' changes in your life.

Not that you were in horrified shock (anymore), or lamenting your loss (often), but things like up and cause more than your idea of a fair amount of stress.

The first major change was probably the butterfly, such a pretty, small, and seemingly inocint thing. You'd seen it in the park, while taking a walk -as one might do if they are poor and have just lost their job- when it fluttered to a landing on the path in front of you.

That in itself would not have been a strange thing, the fact that it seemed to glow, and had an odd green color however was.

Intrigued, you had crouched to get a better look, but it lifted off the ground and flew to a spot six feet away. Resolving to at least get a picture of the bug, you stalked quietly after it.

Having lost track of time, you'd followed the neon wonderment (which you begrudgingly had named Dill, for it's coloring was close to that of the plant) far off of the path, and into the woods.

Upon realising this, you mearly shrugged and started humming the song. The benefits of being temporarily unemployed.

At last Dill landed on the exposed root of a great tree, and promptly turned grey; or more accurately, to stone.

You found yourself gaping at the audacious creature, thirty minutes it had led you on... only to turn to stone.

You'd only taken a step forward when, in a moment that clearly showed the authors love for Alice in Wonderland , the ground opened up beneath your feet.

Suddenly you were free falling with nothing to catch yourself, and as opposed to Alice there was no conveniently placed floating table an accompanying lamp to shed light into the passage.

Not that you would have been able to turn a lamp on, as you speed was constantly picking up and any root you tried to grab only tore at your hands, painfully pulling a fingernail free.

When the novelty of falling with no way to stop faded, (how deep was this hole?) Your rational thoughts -those you had anyway- returned. You decided quickly to stop trying to slow your decent, as that was getting you nowhere, the realisation that this fall is going to end in your death quickly followed.

Oh.

Well that wasn't exactly how youd hoped the day would go, but it wasn't as if you needed to show up for work the next day, and really, a missing persons case was probably the most anyone would pay mind to you. With that thought you let a laugh escape, a sound that is decidedly strange in the few seconds before the sound is sucked away.

Just as the comparison with the scene where Loki complains about having been falling for thirty minutes crossed your mind, the world, or at least gravity, seemed to tilt and the bile you'd been successfully containing made a dangerously close attempt at an appearance.

The lights (wait- lights?) swirled around in a galaxy of colours before the rocky ground (wait no- that couldn't be right. You we're already underground.) Came into view.

And there came the second change, though you did not know it at the time. A delightful change in universe.

Staring at the rocks which were growing steadily closer to your person, you notice a man with red hair, and prehaps a note book, really he was still to far away to tell. And of course you were about to die.

You do at last come close enough to tell that, yes it is a notebook, and feel an odd sense of pride at the correct guess.

The ground is very close when the man looked up, mouth promptly falling open, and you only had the feverant hope that you dont land on the man, as his sweater is quite nice, and you don't wish to ruin it.

When you woke you found the same man, as well as three others peering over you. Thus followed a round of introductions, Dori, Nori, Ori, (the man from before) and an unrelated man named Oin.

When you were convinced that, no, you were not dead, you politly inquired as to what happned to your clothing. You were not pleased to learn that you'd not been whearing any upon landing, only what Ori described as 'a blanket of stars, swathing your form until landing' (the guy must be a poet, you decided)

The following monthes were quite... Odd to say the least. It took two weeks before you were convinced that this wasn't really a cult, even longer until you belived the whole 'dwarf' thing.

Another change, a change of mind came in your time in the Erud Luin you were... Content. The air seemed to be so pure that breathing itself was a privilege, and even though you were a bit out of place among the bearded lot -because you had never seen a woman with facial hair, much less a this many, all whom pulled it off with enviable grace- you settled in with the suspicious folk with relative ease.

Though the time you mentioned needing a haircut nearly sent your new housemates into cardiac arrest.

You rarely missed your old life, and certainly didn't miss the clothing with lack of pockets, which seemed to be almost as importamt to Dwarrow as their weapons. And that's saying somthing.

You made many an aquantince there, eventually (albeit accidentally) earning the respect of a gruff captain, and subsequently earning lessons in combat.

That led to meeting the two young princes, after which you watched your back alot more. They were sweet, but pranksters through and through.

Meeting their uncle and mother was a nerve-wracking experiance to say the least. But lady Dís was an amazing woman, and her brother no less so.

Not one to take charity without repayment, you began helping around the 'Ri household as much as you could, Dori owned a laundry-sewing-alterations service, and you became accustomed to such work quickly.

Ori was at the end of his Scribe training, and was truly a magnificent artist. And so once a month he usually was employed for a portrait painting.

Nori... Had sticky fingers. You enjoyed your lessons with Dwalin (nearly as much as Ori enjoyed accompanying you, though you had the distinct feeling that you were being ised as an excuse to watch the tattooed dwarf) and so did not help the middle brother in his activity.

...much

A pleasant change was when the 'Ri family officially took you into their household and named you kin before the law. An impressive feat as Nori managed not to pickpocket the nobles presant.

Ori in particular became close to you, so really it came as no surprise when you backed him in his wish to join the Quest for Erabor.

A dragon, after all, would be neat.

Sitting at the table of Master Baggins, (who was even shorter than the dwarves, and had the softest looking curls youd ever seen) you lamented the horrible display of manners that Thorin in particular displayed.

The next day you gleefully handed your money over to Balin, the hobbit would join the Quest.

Thus the journy began.

And here you are, tied in a bag.

Trolls really smell awful. And you don't exactly enjoy being dubbed as the one who'd given the parasites to the dwarves.

Still the distraction worked and the trolls turn to stone, leaving you thinking once again about the butterfly who'd started this all.

The languages of Arda came to you easily, so you know kudzul -unofficially of course, as it is forbidden to teach. Ori was quite creative in 'accidently' translating it for you- and now Bilbo makes quite the teacher in Sindrin.

Lessons that the young scibe was defenently not listening in on.

And so you can laugh quietly as the elven lord invites you for dinner, arousing the suspicion of the dwarves.

As lovely as Rivendale is, you cannot but feel relief when you leave. Everythings seems to be higher in volume after the stay, the buzzing of the giant bees when you arive at Beorn's house is louder than it should be. Somehow your stay with Elrond has changed you.

Mirkwood is awful. Everything is amplified and muted at the same time, voices are garbled to your ears, yet hurt in their volume simultaneously. Every glint of light off of a weapon is blinding, but the darkness offers no comfort.

You smell the spiders and hear them before you can even realise what they are. Only instinct and habbit from Dwalin's lessons keep you alive.

You will never tell your adopted family, but you find significant relief when the elves take you captive, hoping for a dark space at last to curl into a ball, and maybe pass out.

The blond is admittedly attractive, but looses brownie points with you when he takes Thorin's sword.

~

The Elven King Thranduil has just as commanding a presence as Thorin, and hair to envy. He seems to be alike his son in that he also looses any brownie points by subjecting your lot to rot in his dungeons. Very rude. You wouldnt even live to a hundred.

The elven cooks are quite good however, if the food they feed the prisoners is anything to go by. And yet you cannot eat more than a few bites. Your body hyperaware of everything, senses dialed up so that you cannot tune anything out each crumb of bread is your worst enemy, the stench of unwashed dwarves, even though they are around the corner from your cell, washes over you.

The steps of Bilbo when he comes seem to be as heavy as a trolls for all that they sound.

The quiet presance of Legolas -the blond- is the only solace when he takes gaurd, Tauriel hangs by Kili's cell more often than not, her voice is like music, and they speak quietly. But still you catch every words and hear as their tones to one another change.

Also do you hear with some satisfaction that Dwalin and Ori have been locked up together. Prehaps now they will finaly face eachother.

~

A month you've yet been in the woodland realm's cells, and you grow worse. The shouting from your companions is like a hammer driving a spike into your head with each syllable. Your ears have begun to ache. Legolas has spoken to you only, and though it pains you, you enjoy the quiet company.

You tell him nothing of the Quest, but when he asks where you come from, you cannot help but answer the prince. He listens, enraptured by your tale. When the very sound of your own breathing is to much to bare, Legolas notices, and brings Oin to your cell.

You nearly vomit when he arrives, and his shouting causes you to shake, eyes wide, he leaves.

You can feel everything. The texture of your cloth is awful. The ground is rough.  The bread is two days old, and baked by a novice. The water was kept in an old wine barrel. You can see to well. It hurts.

Legolas snaps at the dwarves as their talking is making you curl into yourself, shivering.

You feel useless. But you can't make it stop.

Your ears are the worst, you want to huddle in a ball and press your palms against them. And plug them with wax. But the feeling is to much, they're too sensitive. You've torn a strip from the horrid tunic to tie your hair back from touching them.

When Bilbo comes to say that a way out has been found, you just look into his eyes and he knows. You wont be joining them.

He releases the dwarves, and when they notice your lack of appearance they rush to your cell.

The clambering for an explanation is horrid. A whimper escapes your mouth, and Bilbo hushes them, backed up by Thorin, they fall as silent as is possable.

"Y/n, whats wrong?" Ori is the quietest dwarf in voice, but still is loud to your ear.

You shake your aching head. "I don't know. I don't-" you break off and are horrified to find a tear rolling down your face. "I'm so sorry. I'm useless-"

They raise their voices in protest and you wince, entire body jerking. "Like this." You finish. "I cant even stand the sound of my own breathing, or the feel of clothing. I havent eaten in who knows how long. And I'm about as strong as a toothpick!"

At the confused looks you sigh. "A tiny shaving of wood used to poke food from between teeth. Look, the point is, I cant do much of anything right now. Hate me if you must, but I cannot accompany you on this quest anymore. I wish you all the best of luck, but you must go."

"How can you think that we would hate you." To your shock it is Thorin who speaks. "You were taken from your home, just as we were. You lost everything, but yet you started over in our land, and were courageous enough to join a mad quest to face a dragon. You have proved yourself more than necessary, saving the lives of me and mine. If we must leave you now, be assured that when we may, we will return for you. You will always be welcomed in any realm of dwarves, you are kin."

You smile in gratitude at his acceptance and promise, but make a shooing motion with you hand. "I hear them taking their meal, you must hurry. Go!"

With nods, they depart. Each step echoing painfully loud in your ears. When they are out of sight you crumple, not knowing if you will ever lay eyes on them again.

The green tunic you've come to recognize as comfort comes into view. "That was admirable of you."

You smile softly. "Not truly, rather self serving actually. I love them all dearly, but they are the loudest bunch." You meet Legolas' eyes. "Are you going to stop them?"

He ignores your question and drops to his knees, reaching through the bars. "You are crying..." There is sorrow apparent on his features, and it sends a feeling of guilt through you.

"Sorry"

"Do not be sorry, you are unwell. That is why I have come, father has given me permission to bring you to the healers, should you be willing." His tome indicates that he really would like it if you took up this offer, so you nod.

He unlocks the door and you move to stand. "Will they be able to-" black specks float around the edges of your vision and try as you might, blinking does not clear them away.

"Ah, shit"

Yaaaayyyyyyy.

[stinkyhyena9000]

Finally writing a post about this!!! Here's my ideas for a FutureAU for Sing

Note: by future, I just mean like a generation future, not like time travel future. (~20 years in the future)

So starting off, tw// for major character death, suicide

Almost all your faves are still alive thankfully. Also it does get incredibly angsty near the end, so have fun with that.

ALSO also, yes this does have shipping in it.

So first of all, this takes place like 20 years after the events of Sing 2 and the whole Redshore City incident. Buster Moon and Eddie Noodleman have finally retired. (Thank god no one has to put up with Buster's shenanigans anymore.) Also yes, they are finally a happy married couple, because of course they are.

Johnny is now the person who runs the theatre, with Buster kind of serving as his mentor, and his source of guidance whenever he needs help. The New Moon Theatre is now under Buster's name as opposed to Nana Noodleman's name. Why? You could probably guess. (She's dead). Oh yeah, you know who's also dead? Miss Crawly. They both had like super sad deaths, and died peacefully of age.

Oh yeah, there is also more death than this, but I'm saving that for the end.

I also honestly like to think Ryan took a dip in photography, so he also does that for the theatre. Go Ryan!

Anyways, Johnny runs the New Moon Theatre with the help of Nooshy and Ryan as well. Nooshy works as the choreographer, meanwhile Ryan is committed to being a malewife kinda acts as a new Miss Crawly + extra choreographer teacher if Nooshy is out. Johnny and Ryan definitely are together though by the way, and Nooshy teases them all the time for it still.

Oh yeah also in case it needed to be stated: yes, Johnny is stressed out all of the time (like usual), except also now he's constantly worried about his father and gang now. Despite their age and Johnny repeatedly offering to finance their retirement, they refuse to retire and continue running their mechanic business.

Buster and Eddie live in a new house, but Buster will occasionally convince Eddie to let him sleep nights at the theatre under the guise of "helping Johnny out for the day". Eddie does realize what Buster's try to pull, but let's him go with it because he knows it helps with his anxiety, since Buster can struggle to sleep sometimes without the familiar sounds of the theatre.

So where's Meena? Meena is currently on tour, much to the delight of her and her parents. She's a world renowned soul singer, and travels around with the husband Alfonso. Alfonso doesn't serve icecream anymore, but still cooks for them and acts as a handyman and stuff for Meena when they're on tour. They of course still make time to come back to the theatre every so often again, though.

Ash and Clay? Well, after the multiple reruns of Out of This Worlds, the two of them have been on tour for a years, before Ash decided to come back and crash at the theatre recently… without Clay. She always kinda reluctant to say what happened to Clay, with her story changing every time. First, it's that he got signed into a new record deal without her. Next thing you know, it's because he decided he wanted to go back to Redshore and focus on bettering himself mentally.

(By the way, Clay started therapy after the events of Redshore. Buster did too, thankfully).

In fact, this phantom has started haunting Clay only a few years after Ruby died. It just shows up randomly, serving as a grim reminder of who he's lost.

Okay so quick warning. Remember when I said it was gonna get angsty. Oh yeah, it's about time to get real angsty.

So basically, Clay killed himself a few years into touring with Ash. Let's just say therapy was not enough for the hell he was forced to go through mentally. Remember that ghost of Ruby during the performance of Out of This World? That's not new.

(That's why I'm calling this an AU, because this is less of a hc and more of a story idea)

Bonus: me writing down notes in my anatomy class ↓↓

┏╔══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╗

What structures are found within the muscle fiber

a. terminal cisternare ✓

b. sarcoplasmic reticulum ✓

c. myofibrils ✓

d. epimysium ✓

e. aponeurosis

f. triad ✓

g. t-tubule ✓

╚══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╝

[kat-is-laem-oa]

Chapter 3: Adventures in Parabatai

(Previous Chapter) (Next Chapter)

Eljah kept a close distance behind a dizzying Clary as she stumbled out the doors. She looked understandably sick and upset, probably uncomfortable in the revealing outfit she was in.

“Jace,” the sparkling brunette woman called out to the blonde. As the others turned around, Eljah slipped off his puffy jacket and offered it to Clary. She looked surprised and faltered further for a second, allowing it to be dropped on her shoulders. It left his arm runes exposed. If the group found Magnus, Eljah hoped he wouldn’t snitch. Opposing identities weren’t a good look.

“Clary, we have to move,” Jace sighed, almost annoyed (which peeved off more than Clary).

“I’m catching my breath!” She yelled, sliding her arms through the sleeves angrily.

“You know what? This is great,” the other unnamed brunette groaned, “and not only did Magnus not get the girl her memories back, he took the necklace. This is fantastic-”

“Alec, the girl… her name is Clary and I highly suggest you keep your voice down.”

“Why? What, are you afraid I’m gonna upset her? We have risked our lives again and again for this girl and where has it gotten us? All right? Nowhere. We’re no closer to getting the Mortal Cup and we’ve lost the Institute’s necklace.”

“Hey, I am right here!” This made Alec, the pretty boy, roll his eyes that were shooting daggers at Clary. “I don’t care about your damn jewelry. Look, I’m sorry you’re gonna look bad in front of your bosses, okay? But my mother is still missing and my last chance at finding her just disappeared into thin air!”

Eljah turned to face the wall, a headache forming as discreetly calmed the group’s energy. The yelling stressed him out (specifically male yelling), combined with the unfamiliar people surrounding him. It was worth a shot to quiet their spirits.

“Clary, it’s gonna be fine.” At the spark of Clary’s anger, he fought to push it down. His magic often felt like swimming in a body of water and pushing or using energy felt like splitting the tides and creating waves.

“No!” she shouted, before she stopped, taking a deep breath as she felt her emotions level out, “it’s not, Jace. People are dying because of me… and Magnus? Magnus will never come out of hiding again while Valentine is still after him. And I will… never get my memories back.”

“That’s not true, Clary. Don’t say that,” Eljah piped up. He walked over calmly and outstretched his hand, beckoning the button with energy beaming out of it from being previously worn by Magnus. As Clary handed it over, without looking, Eljah tossed it straight to Jace.

“You give up way too easy.”

“What is he doing?”

“He’s tracking Magnus. Be quiet and keep your distance,” Alec mumbled, tired of explaining things to Clary.

“The button belonged to Magnus. Jace can pinpoint the location using that.” He definitely could not. His aura was weak and not strong enough to track anything at the moment. Jace proved him right as he relented, saying,

“The signal’s not strong enough. Magnus must be blocking the track. Let’s do this, Alec,” ordering his friend over, albeit friend wasn’t the right word.

“Do what?” Clary asked curiously.

“Parabatai tracking,” the unnamed woman and Eljah spoke at the same time. It made her giggle, presenting a hand for Eljah to shake. “And what is your name?” Eljah, the gentleman he was, extended a hand and bowed.

“Eljah. I’m New to New York.”

“What an introduction,” Clary joked. “I’m Clary, this is Isabelle.” The three smiled brightly at each other despite the serious, brooding bromance happening not five feet from them.

“This is a good lesson, Fairchild. When Parabatais track their power grows stronger. Together,” Eljah backed up again to give Clary viewing space.

“Jace and Alec are gonna track Magnus together,” Isabelle added. Now that everyone had names connected to their faces, Eljah could envision them as people. Previously, Isabelle and Clary never dropped their serious tones. Now he could see them giggling together in between training sessions or as students in their own rights. Jace and Alec were most likely always stoic and guarded, like himself. They seemed to be the oldest amongst the group with how many responsibilities they took on. Viewing them in that light made their moods more digestible.

Watching Parabatai’s souls connect was an indescribable scene. To start off, Jace was a painting of red and orange, dots of black like ink on a page. It told Eljah that Jace was bold. He was confident and passionate—his resting aura.

Alec was green, indigo, and white. He held feelings of low self-worth, envy, and severe jealousy. And while he was brave and fearless like Jace, he was angry and mistrusting, likely from the presence of Clary. The opposites completed each other, and Eljah could have clocked them as Parabatai earlier had the situation been calmer.

Combined, they created a rainbow of emotion and history, telling many stories in one picture.

“This whole Parabatai thing seems oddly intimate, if you ask me,” Clary spoke honestly. Izzy shook her head, telling Clary she didn’t know the half of it.

Jace broke free of the soul bond, relieved to tell the others they found him. Alec looked like a lost puppy following the retreating figure of his Parabatai. Eljah knew he could have helped over thirty minutes ago, but he didn’t know these people. He loved helping others, especially in need, but this situation was bigger than him.

Isabelle placed an arm in front of Eljah before the group descended into Magnus’ lair. They were the same height, so her arm hit his stomach dead-on. She pulled a standardized seraph blade off of Alec’s back, offering it to Eljah as she asked, “do you have a weapon on you?”

He did not have one on him, which tempted him to take the blade. But weapons looked different in his hands—glowed a distinct purple, compared to the angelic, bare white color that’s the norm. He had a ring that could channel his magic, so hand-to-hand combat was his only solution. He told Isabelle he had it covered, and she nodded her head, passing it back to Alec.

“Magnus’ lair is right behind that fence,” Jace informed.

“Magnus lives in a warehouse?” Clary asked.

“Not exactly. Warlock glamor.” The spike in emotion anytime these shadowhunters mentioned warlocks kept Eljah on his toe. He realized at any moment these people, as kind and well-intentioned as they seemed, could turn on him.

Isabelle exclaimed, “something’s wrong… It’s far too easy to get this close…”

“His protective wards must be down,” Jace added.

“You,” Alec singled out Clary, “don’t get in the way.” Alec didn’t bat an eye Eljah’s way, but he knew that meant him too.

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆.

I realize my writing is not the best and I feel the cringe deep within my bones when something doesn't sound right, so I'm really hoping everything has been alright so far. Thank you so much for reading, much love! - Wren

[altruistic-meme]

Thanks for answering my ask before. If you don't mind me asking (again), can I ask, what are your top 10 (or top 7) favorite media (can be books/ manga/ anime/movies/tv series)? Why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before......

hi!! sorry it took me so long to reply, lot happening and i had to think on this :) but here we go! once again, in no particular order:

Avatar: The Last Airbender (TV Show) atla is something that has been in my life for SOOO many years. it is a huge part of me, and a big part of my relationship with my sisters, and just something that brings me so much comfort. i have rewatched this show more times than i could ever try and count. i know too much about it. my sisters and i will often start quoting along with the show without missing a beat or a line because we all just know it that well. also it's just such a fucking FANTASTIC show and is the literal blueprint to me. perfection.

Captive Prince (Book Trilogy) has also been in my life for probably much longer than it should have been lmao i definitely was too young the first time i read this series. but it is so wonderfully crafted and amazing. every time i reread it i fall a little more in love with it. i think, if i could choose only one thing to be able to experience for the first time again, it would be capri.

All For the Game (Book Series) the other book series that i will never be capable of getting over. it captivated me in a different way from capri but just as strong. it shaped my feelings on consent as a constant and i know i would be a much different person if it hadn't been for these books.

Yuri!!! On Ice (Anime) this show saved my life. quite literally. if i hadn't fallen into it when i did, i wouldn't be here. and i will always be grateful for that. it's such a beautiful commentary on life and love and the music is truly something else. the only thing to ever get me to listen to and feel purely instrumental songs. i need to rewatch it soon.

Young Royals (TV Show) i stumbled into yr on accident and i wouldn't change it for the world. i have met so so so many absolutely amazing people because of this show. it is so beautifully crafted, with so much thought and intent behind every frame, every line, every movement. i have never seen a show like it before and i don't know if i ever will again.

Banana Fish (Anime) my comfort show <3 why? don't know, it makes me cry even when i know what's coming, even when i have seen it so many times. in my worst moments, it is the first thing i think to put on. i can still lose myself in the story and throw myself headfirst into the pain and love and sorrow and care.

Haikyuu!! (Anime) i always feel like i was so late coming to this party. but i don't mind. hq brings me so much joy and is one of the only things on this list that just never brings that same level of angst. it is pure serotonin in every step and i am so happy every time i watch it. really, it should be the one that's my comfort show. and it is, sometimes.

Bungo Stray Dogs (Anime) i just recently fell hard into this. i had seen the first seasons years ago, but rewatching it this year brought a whole other level of love for it. i feel like i understand it a lot better now than i did when i was younger. each character and arc touches me in a new way and i think every lesson that it teaches really hits me in a different way coming from here as opposed to anywhere else i had heard it.

Good Omens (TV Show) (also the Book but less so) another one that is just so masterfully created. every detail has been considered and planned. even now, we know that there are things set up for the future and i cannot wait to see them fall into place. the characters have so many aspects and facets and every time i look back at them, there is something new to take away.

Prince of Egypt (Movie) maybe on odd choice, but it's another comfort of mine, something that makes me feel close to one of my sisters, and just a truly stunning piece of art. i don't know how to explain why it's on this list any more than that.

[justminawrites]

tell me, why does home taste like you?

AO3

Summary: Souma finds himself wondering what to do after Central decides to shut Polar Star down for good. A one-shot that takes place the night before the shokugeki with Eizan, in season 3.

“I can’t stand it!”

“Yuuki?”

“I don’t want the dorm to close! I want to stay here.. and cook with everyone, just like we used to!” 

Yukihira Souma stared out the window of his room in uncharacteristic silence as he pondered the events of the past two days. 

A new director, Nakiri Azami, had taken over and imposed a mandatory shutdown of all the clubs and research societies not directly approved by the also new student-run organisation, Central, that had replaced the Elite Ten. That included the Polar Star Dormitory, since it was technically housing students on school grounds. Naturally Tōtsuki students had contested this the way they had contested everything– through numerous declarations of shokugekis, though that might be extremely short-lived if what they’d seen on TV today was any indication. 

Biased votes were one thing, but simply refusing to eat the opposing contestant’s food? That was a low blow, even for this pompous, gourmet-worshipping establishment. 

Souma let out a frustrated sigh and struck his fist against the window pane with a thump; only ten days left to vacate the place.. no, there had to be something he could do. Surely Isshiki-senpai would have some idea, he was two seats higher on the Elite 10 than Eizan was; not to mention he was more attached to the dorm than any of them, but they hadn’t seen Isshiki Satoshi around at all lately– maybe Central had their claws in him too. 

Souma rose and decided to head down to the kitchen; cooking always helped him take his mind off things in the past, maybe inspiration would strike him while he was at it. Turning the key, he slipped out of room 303 and down the staircase, careful not to wake anyone while he was at it- sleep would be a luxury they couldn’t afford soon- but when the entrance to the kitchen loomed in front of him his feet turned the corner and took him out to the lobby instead. Fumio-san had always imposed a 1:00 a.m. curfew for as long as he’d been here, often to deter young delinquent chefs like him from sneaking out to get groceries at the dead of night, but today the front door was unlocked without a care. This dorm business must be getting to her too.

Souma walked out into the cold night air and prayed it wouldn’t rain. 

The sky was cloudier today, no doubt a result of the bad weather they’d been having all week, but a sliver of white moon shone brightly in the sky, surrounded by a smattering of tiny stars. He would miss this view. Souma held out his arm like he was trying to catch the faint light in his palm and hold it with him forever. 

The memory came to him then, swift and unforgiving.

“Hey.. Pops?”

“What is it, Souma?”

“What did this dorm mean to you anyway?”

Jōichirō had smiled in the way he always did when he didn’t intend on answering Souma’s question.

“It was fun.. A place where we could all freely experience each other’s cooking.”

Souma looked up to find himself wandering Isshiki’s garden, he’d ended up tracing the usual path they took every other morning, navigating his way between the leafy crop and the fenced tomatoes. He crouched down beside the cabbages and stared deeply into the dirt, like he’d find some kind of answer from the worms crawling around. 

This was stupid, he thought peevishly as the worm crawled up his shoe; honestly, this whole school was stupid. What kind of dumb, holier-than-thou elitist thought that removing extracurriculars would bring the school closer to better cooking– no correct cooking? The right way of doing things. He reminded Souma of his daughter to the T, but it was actually the other way around now, wasn’t it.

Souma frowned as he flicked the worm off. Erina had internalised her father’s teachings so deeply that she’d probably built her personality around rejecting anything Azami didn’t approve of– but he wasn’t ready to unpack all that. Especially not the previous director, Nakiri Senzaemon, showing up at the dorm in order to beg for his help. 

“Pops would know what to do,” he said quietly to no one in particular; it was true. His six-foot-three, ever-aggravating, cooking prodigy of a father always had the solution to any problem, no matter what life threw at him. If only he was around to actually give him the advice he needed. 

Souma flicked open his phone screen and pressed the redial button; the phone rang once, twice, and then–

“Hello-”

“Pops?”

“-you’ve reached Yukihira.. if it’s urgent please leave a message. Not you though, Gin.”

Voicemail, as usual. He sighed and made his way to the workshop next. 

Though it was technically rented, everyone in the dorm had affectionately dubbed it Shun’s Workshop, since every time Shun disappeared, which was often, there was about a ninety percent chance you’d find him here. 

Souma ran his fingers along the grooves and etchings of the handmade table and inhaled the faint smell of smoke. Eizan would probably tear this place down too, the bastard. This, the garden, Ryōko’s lab, Yuuki’s farm pens; and he’d do it without a second thought. 

He could see his senior’s smug face in front of him, clear as day. What’s the matter Yukihira.. finally accepted defeat? 

Souma pressed his hands against his face and tried his best not to scream. This school may be stupid and skewed but his friends didn’t deserve this. They were all talented chefs who’d worked hard to get to where they were, and if there was one thing good about this backwards institution, it was that they could all come back home and rant about it together. 

He blinked away tears.

Home. 

How long had it been since he’d called anywhere home? 

They used to live in the suburbs near his school, but after his mother died, Souma and his dad had moved into the apartment above Yukihira’s instead. The closest he could come to it was probably the diner itself, he’d spent nearly all his long nights in its kitchens, often sleeping over when his father was away on business trips. Kiyo-san used to come by to babysit occasionally, much to his chagrin, and his middle school friends had loved to watch him cook free food but hardly anyone had seen him out of its four walls.

The Polar Star Dormitory was a strong contender too, if he was being honest. Even though the place was huge, with fifty bedrooms and an endless square footage of land that encompassed even a lake, he’d never really felt alone here. 

There was always someone in the kitchens, or the garden. Isshiki-senpai would pop out from the built in Ceiling Area (how did he get up there in the first place?) or whisper suspiciously into the speaking tubes that ran through the whole building; Yuuki’s wild game would escape her room at least once a week and turn the place into NatGeo; and they would receive fire hazard notices on a regular basis because of Shun’s ‘creative directions’. 

The noise and laughter was often infectious and Souma had begun to rely on it to get him through the week. They’d barely made it through their gruelling Stagiaires and the Moon Banquet Festival in the last few months, but the dorm had always been here, steady and constant as its matron, ready to welcome them back with open arms and a warm meal.

Souma checked his phone and swore under his breath. A matron who’d most likely locked him out by now. No matter how much Megumi vouched for it, he had no intention of spending the night in the barn. 

Souma turned and ran back to the main door, relieved to find it still open, quietly shook off his shoes and padded his way up the polished stairwell. 

He was about to go into his room when a small creak caught his attention. The door to the room next to his was slightly ajar - Was Tadokoro awake? - hinges fallen victim to the breeze he’d let into the house when he’d come in. 

Souma hesitated before gently nudging it open to find moonlight spilling through the windows and illuminating a room identical to his, save for a figure curled on the bed, her dark blue tresses like ink on the white sheets and eyes that were very clearly shut tight. 

He knew he should close the door, knew he should leave her to rest instead of bothering her with his dumb feelings, but his feet remained rooted to the spot. He waited a few seconds and then–

“Tadokoro,” he whispered softly, not moving from the doorway, “Are you asleep?”

“Mmm?” The girl replied, turning the other way and jostling the blanket in the process.

Of course she’s asleep, you idiot, he berated himself, Just like you should be if you’re going to wake up tomorrow and figure out what to do. 

“Soum.. Hah.. Souma-kun?” Megumi said, yawning. She’d turned back around and cracked open one eye blearily to find the redheaded boy looking at her guiltily, unable to move from his place at the door. 

“Are ya.. alright?”

“Uhm.. yeah. All good here. Sorry I disturbed you. I was just checking to make sure, y’know.. stuff.” He finished lamely, looking anywhere but her eyes. 

Megumi blinked a few times, sensing the lie, and then pulled the covers off one corner of the bed to make room for him.

“S’okay..” She patted the empty space beside her like an invitation.

“What’s wrong?”

Souma reluctantly shuffled in but sat at foot of the bed frame instead. 

If her mother were here, Megumi knew she’d be on the receiving end of the worst scolding of her life and she’d deserve it too. A boy in her room in the dead of night, it was so far from proper that she might as well be digging herself an early grave, but she was barely awake and her senses had dulled everything into a dream-like quality. 

Dim light flickered through the window and highlighted the panes of Souma’s face, the steady curve of his nose, his sharp jaw and the slightly puckered scar on his left eyebrow. Except those eyebrows were now furrowed in a mixture of concern and frustration. 

She waited for him to say something but he simply stared at the mattress in front of him intently, like he was burning a hole through it with his eyes. Megumi reached out an arm to pet his hair, but his hand caught it first and unconsciously threaded his fingers through hers as he looked up at her. 

“Tadokoro,” he began, looking at their intertwined hands like they were the most normal thing in the world, “I’m scared.”

Megumi opened her eyes a little more. It had been hard to see before, but the red rimmed eyes and the faint spots of wetness on his tracksuit spelled out that he’d been crying. 

“S’okay,” she soothed again, trying not to think too much about why the strongest person she knew at this school was holding her hand like he was about to break.

“We all get scared sometimes, Souma-kun. You don’t hafta be strong all the time.”

He closed his eyes like he was absorbing her words, like he was letting them sink into his skin.

“I mean look at me,” she smiled sleepily, her accent running rampant, “Ah’m always scared, panickin’ like a cricket in fishin’ season. But Ah’m still here, aint I?” 

Souma snorted, slipping his hand out of hers just as quickly, and clutched his stomach to keep himself from laughing.

“Ah’m.. still.. cricket..” He choked out, unable to form the words as he nearly toppled back. Megumi stopped smiling when she saw his reaction.

“Souma-kun, don’t tease!” She mumbled into her pillow mortified as he snickered again. 

“Tadokoro! What do you take me for? I would never,” he vowed as he proceeded to do just that.

“Ah’m as serious as can be– serious as a ‘ard ‘addack.”

“Oh, you’re terrible.” Megumi moped, hiding her face under the covers. The laughter faded and she peeked one eye out to see Souma staring right past her. 

It was nothing new, she’d seen him zone out plenty of times, but it seemed different this time. Sadder somehow. He was probably driving himself crazy trying to figure out how to postpone their early eviction, a very Souma-like thing to do, but even she knew that it was too much to hope for a breakthrough. Eizan-senpai had rigged the shokugeki as he would no doubt do again and again, if there was anyone left to challenge him that is. The performance today may have broken most, if not all their spirits.

“Souma-kun?” His eyes slid to her face on cue but they were still a million miles away.

“Don’t worry about the dorm okay.. we’ll figure something out.”

“Mhm.” He nodded vacantly, still lost in thought. 

She wished she could bring him back with words alone, but that had never worked with Souma. Apart from challenging him to a shokugeki on the spot, she doubted many things could get through the bubble of pressure he’d locked himself in. Poor, selfless Souma-kun, she thought. It must be hard to constantly be protecting.

Megumi didn’t know when she’d begun noticing the changes but once she had she couldn’t stop.

Souma’s hair grown longer over the summer, the unruliness almost endearing now, and his face had gotten leaner. The shadows under his eyes were darker than she’d remembered, he was barely getting any sleep before, and she’d caught a glimpse of a few more burn marks on his hand than last time. No doubt from the stone oven they’d used at the Moon Banquet Festival. He’d been so insistent about not using gloves too– its gotta to feel authentic, Tadokoro. 

She looked up to see that Souma had gone back to glaring at the floor now, brows scrunched together like he could simply will a solution into existence.  

Without thinking, Megumi reached out her arm again and this time, gently traced the scar on his eyebrow with her thumb. To her surprise, he leaned into the touch, the fog in his eyes clearing as her warm hand cupped his cheek, and lazily drew over the edges of the wound. The dreamy quality of the night returned and she could feel herself emboldened by its ambience.

“Souma-kun?”

“Mm?” He intoned, his eyes drooping. She paused for a second.

“Your scar is cool.”

“Hm?” He was awake again.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, she scolded, withdrawing her hand in absolute shame. She could’ve said anything in that moment but she went with ‘your scar is cool’? Kami-sama– why, why am I like this? 

Souma gave her a strange look and then cracked a grin.

“Isn’t it? It’s actually an incredible story.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I got it fighting off a customer actually. He was trying to leave without paying.”

Megumi gave him a disbelieving look and he pretended to sulk.

“You don’t believe me.” he huffed, offended.

“I didn’t say that, Souma-kun.”

“He had a knife, Tadokoro. A knife.” 

“A tiny knife?” She asked, suppressing a smile.

“Kick me while I’m down, why don’t you.” He grumbled halfheartedly, turning his back to her. 

She watched him, absent-mindedly counting the freckles on back of his neck; one, two, fifteen in total, and resisted the urge to connect them into tiny constellations. A few seconds of comfortable silence passed, and then..

“Tadokoro?” He said, still not looking at her.

“Yeah?”

“Why’d you stick around?”

“Souma-kun?”

“At the Moon Banquet Festival.”

“O-Oh,” she felt her anxiety kick in, trickling into her chest like in a steady stream, “I’m sorry if I held you back Souma-kun, I was just.. just trying to help.. I..“

“What! No that’s not what I– Tadokoro. Tadokoro.”

Megumi made a sound that was halfway between a sigh and a sob and tried to bury her head back under the blanket so he wouldn’t see the tears welling up in her eyes. Souma wouldn’t let her off so easily and tried his level best to pull her back out. After two full minutes of pulling, he admitted defeat and turned back around.

“I meant–” he began, giving the blanket a sideways glance, “–when everything was going wrong, why’d you stay? I didn’t even put your name on the application form y’know. You wouldn’t have gotten expelled, if you left.”

She said nothing.

Just when Souma thought she’d fallen asleep, the weight on the bed shifted and Megumi sat down on the floor beside him, setting the blanket over both of their shoulders as she did so. Her eyes were clear and bright, no sign of exhaustion in them. 

“Don’t be silly Souma-kun,” she said matter-of-factly, “I woulda gotten expelled months ago, if it weren’t for you.”

“This isn’t like–“

“–at camp.” She nodded as she drew her knees to her chest and hugged them.

“That was about justice, Tadokoro. You didn’t deserve to be failed over a mistake he’d made.”

“There is no justice in Tōtsuki, Souma-kun.” Megumi looked at him strangely, as though he should’ve figured this out by now. He opened his mouth to correct her but no words came out. She was right. This was a school where students could simply be expelled over a subpar dish and the teachers wouldn’t bat an eyelash.

“And besides,” she continued, looking away, “It wasn’t like that at all. You coulda given up on me too, but you didn’t.”

“If I had been better, we could’ve beaten him,” Souma admitted sheepishly, crossing his arms, “It wasn’t supposed to be your battle to fight.”

Megumi laughed, much to his embarrassment, and subtly scooted closer, resting her head on his shoulder.  

“I wish I’d seen Shinomiya-senpai’s face when you walked into his restaurant,” she said finally, a small smile on her face, “For the Stagiaire.”

Now it was Souma’s turn to laugh as he remembered his mentor’s disgruntled expression. 

“Oh man, I thought he was going to strangle me on the spot,” he recounted excitedly, “Hey, remember that time he fired someone at camp for wearing scented shampoo?”

“Souma-kun, you didn’t.” Megumi looked like she was switching between impressed and horrified at his blatant disregard for his own well-being. He flashed her a wicked grin.

“And the best part was–“

“–Souma-kun!” She interrupted, scandalised.

“The best part was-“ Souma repeated, like what he’d done wasn’t pure madness, “- he didn’t even notice, Tadokoro. I’m starting to think that camp was just an excuse for them to have us do free labour so they wouldn’t have to feed all those people.”

“Honestly, I didn’t mind it that much,” she confessed, looking down at her hands, “It made me feel good to know that people were enjoying my food.”

“For free,” he chided, but didn’t try to correct her, “I get where you’re coming from though. Giving out samples was the only part of the Moon Banquet Festival that was actually fun.”

“It reminded me of the time I spent with the old man, back home, before he kept pulling his disappearing act.”

“Oh. Were you alone a lot?”

Souma turned to find Megumi looking at him with something like concern in her eyes and backtracked immediately.

“Uh.. yeah, but not really though. It was all good.. it toughened me up y’know? Now I’m tough as a rock..” He could feel his ears burning and hoped she wouldn’t notice. The last thing he wanted was Tadokoro pitying him when he was supposed to be the one getting them out of this hopeless situation.

“You’re very tough, Souma-kun,” she promised, placing her hand on his shoulder reassuringly, “You challenged the Eight Seat of the Elite Ten to a shokugeki.”

“And a whole lot of good that did us.” He sighed and put his hand over hers. Megumi looked startled by the action, but didn’t pull away. 

“Stupid Eizan probably doesn’t even know how to cook.” Souma sulked again, resorting to childish snubs.

“Sure. That’s how Eizan-senpai qualified to be a part of the best ten in a cooking school. Through consulting.” She replied wryly, only half-kidding.

“Yeah you’re right,” he nodded, cupping his chin with his hand, “Still, it feels like he’s got some kind of grudge against this place. You think he didn’t pass Fumio-san’s test or something?”

“Maybe,” Megumi shrugged, pushing away the memory of her initial months of middle school where she herself had fallen victim and slept in the barn, “I do feel bad for Nakiri-san, though.”

“Nakiri?” 

He gawked at her like she’d grown two wings and transformed into one of Yuuki’s chickens.

“She won’t have anywhere to hide if the dorm closes,” she explained, much to his bemusement, “She must be feeling terrible about this whole thing.”

“Tadokoro,” Souma turned to her seriously, clasping her arm in his. The one with the scarf, she would’ve noticed, if she weren’t so alarmed. His sudden move took her aback and she found herself pressed against the bed-frame, looking at him with wide eyes as he leaned in closer.

“S-Souma-kun?” He paused, gold eyes flashing.

“Worry about yourself, for once.” 

“I’m worried about myself everyday,” she countered, quailing a little under the intensity in his gaze.

“A-And anyway. I can probably find some housing on campus with Yuuki-chan and Ryōko-chan. It might be expensive but if we split the rent I’m sure we can manage.” 

“Huh.” 

Souma let go of her and crossed his arms again, opting to look at the ceiling instead. He was irritated, that much she could tell. Megumi wasn’t sure what to do at first, in all their time together he’d never really gotten mad at her; so she simply rested her head on her knees and absentmindedly began drawing the ‘person’ kanji (人) on the polished floorboards next to her.

After a few moments she heard him murmur something under his breath.

“You’ve given up too, haven’t you, Tadokoro?”

She stopped mid-way; the words cut deeper than they should have. 

He wasn’t wrong. Megumi had spent the whole day helping the Regional Cuisine Research Society pack away their props and recipe books into a school certified lockers; they were forced to donate everything they’d gathered to a local library as soon as possible. 

There had been many a breakdown over a paper lantern or a lovingly written essay and whatever little hope she’d hoarded chipped away as the day went by, slowly, steadily; piece by painful piece, until it became clear that there was no way out of this predicament at all. It was either this or guaranteed expulsion, and Megumi didn’t know which one she’d be more ashamed to tell her mother about.

“There’s nothing we can do, Souma-kun.” She said finally, blinking back tears, “Sometimes.. sometimes the world just ain’t right and we just.. we gotta.. get on with it.”

“If that bastard would fight fair, then I know I could take him. We could win.”

His words sounded empty, even to him, like he’d finally run out of confidence and she felt the unspoken question between them grow and swallow her thoughts as the night dragged on–  was it still possible to save the dorm?

After an incredibly saturated silence Souma released a puff of breath and adjusted the blanket around their shoulders, pulling her a little closer. 

He didn’t want to spend one of his last nights here fighting with his best friend, over something stupid. A delicious warmth enveloped her and Megumi caved into the feeling, resting her head on his chest now, his arm encircling her waist. 

“Ryōko-chan said something to me once,” she began, stifling a yawn as the fatigue crept up on her. Souma peeked at her through shuttering eyelids, his own body starting to call it a night.

“She said ‘I didn’t notice it before but Yukihira-kun gets this funny look in his eyes when he’s cooking, like he’s some kind of magician, waiting for you to figure out his trick.’”

“She’s too.. too nice..” He trailed off, trying his best to stay awake.

“Yeah.. but that’s when I realised, Souma-kun.” 

“Realised what?”

“Why I liked your cooking so much.”

Souma opened one eye and glanced at her but Megumi had nearly succumbed to sleep, nestled into him like a perfect puzzle piece.

“It’s like.. a little bit of magic.. every.. day..”

It was then that Yukihira Souma made his decision.

Dawn came, quiet and relentless, the first rays of sun washing over room 302 determined to catch the couple in the act, but all they found was a girl huddled under the covers, blue hair spilling out like ink, fast asleep like she’d never been woken at all. 

____________________

The next day...

“I’m back!”

The residents of Polar Star Dormitory dropped their makeshift weapons and garden hoses to see a redheaded boy walking through the wrought-iron gates, his smile blinding in light of the evening sun. 

Tadokoro Megumi didn’t know when she’d begun crying but as the boy was ambushed by his dorm members with shouts of “You idiot!”, “You left to protect us on your own!” and “That was too reckless, Yukihira.”, it felt like fireworks were going off in her chest every time she took a breath.

“We were all so worried,” she said quietly, the words lost in the general hubbub that surrounded him, but she didn’t mind. 

Yukihira Souma glanced at her then, smiling even brighter than before, and for a second it felt like they were the only two people in the entire world.

Tadokoro, what did you think of my magic show? His eyes seemed to say, glinting mischievously as a lopsided grin tugged the corner of his mouth.

You won’t ever listen, will you, Souma-kun? She smiled right back, wiping away the leftover tears on her cheeks, and hurrying down the steps.

“Not just reckless, that was stupid and irresponsible and the worst decision you could have made-“

“My bad, my bad,” he laughed, taking their scolding with good sportsmanship, as he held out an arm in surrender. He played it off well, but Megumi could see the tiredness that radiated from him; the slight slump of his shoulders, the shadows under his eyes. Souma had gone in without a plan, with barely a recipe, betting everything he had left on a shot at proving their worth, and it had taken its toll.

“But seriously.. Thank you, thank you, Yukihira..” Yuuki bawled finally, holding onto Ryōko for dear life as the stress of the day finally caught up to her. The shokugeki challenge, fighting off thugs, saving the dorm; this whole debacle was like something out of a manga.

The corners of his eyes crinkled fondly as he watched Ryōko scold her friend and Yuuki in turn scold Marui for breaking his glasses, finally relaxing as the weight he’d been carrying around for a week released its hold on his heart. Polar Star was theirs. Everyone was safe. He’d pulled off yet another trick– out of luck or sheer audacity, this time, he didn’t want to know. 

Megumi took another step forward sensing him slip away again, but he didn’t seem to notice- his mind already moving onto the next question, the next duel, the next everything. What would happen now that he’d won? Who was left to help? He hadn’t heard back from Hayama about the seminar either– had his friend run into some kind of trouble? 

Souma’s hand involuntarily tightened on the strap of his bag as he thought about all that was left to do, and she watched him carefully, noticing the way his half-smile dimmed in the span of a few seconds. She couldn’t help but recall the conversation they’d had the night before; how he’d looked almost hurt when she’d admitted she’d lost all hope. It was that same look that had spurred her to take a stance against the fifty thugs that had ambushed the dorm. 

Megumi wanted to tell Souma about the siege first, or how they’d defended their dorm against all odds, borrowing baseball bats and shields from Polar Star’s collection of Golden Era memorabilia; she wanted to grab him by the shoulders and berate him for taking on the Ninth Seat of the elite Ten to save her, to save all of them– but some tiny part of her inherently knew what the redhead chef had been waiting to hear all day. 

“Souma-kun?” 

Souma looked up, eyes clearing as he took her in: the helmet in her arm gleaming proudly as the last rays of sunlight bounced against it and illuminated her soft smile. A warm feeling wrapped itself around his chest like a pair of arms, holding tight enough that he wouldn’t fall– promising him that it was finally time to rest.

He blinked as he glanced around at his friends, their faces flushed gratitude, each one of them fired up to take on whatever Central had in store for the future; the faint spark of hope they’d once lost reignited into a roaring flame– and then back to Megumi, her gold eyes shining with something neither of them were brave enough to name.  

“Welcome home.”

[bobfloydsbabe]

Hey! So about the blocking blogs that don’t interact with fics thing- just wanted to say potentially if you’re comfortable doing so maybe consider not blocking immediately. It took me a couple months of reading fics to get the guts to reblog. Which I know is kind of shitty and why I ultimately pushed myself to do so!! But since I like reading a lot of smutty fics it felt like advertising my kinks to strangers (who may or may not want to see that- I’d never reblogged nsfw content on my blog before that) which scared me a bit. I definitely got over it and now I reblog everything I read. So I guess I just mean that just because someone isn’t reblogging now doesn’t mean they won’t in the future, and blocking them would lead to missing out on potential future reblogs.

With all the posts going around letting people know that sharing helps, I think more people will start! Those posts helped me see it was worth getting over my anxiety about it! Of course after time if you notice constant serial liking (and people aren’t going back later to reblog) then that probably won’t change with those users. And I know sometimes people have really bad experiences and you just need those boundaries and if that’s the case then ignore this of course! Just wanted to bring up something to consider, as it was my first hand experience with the subject! 💕

Hi there!

First, I want to thank you for being so nice and respectful about this. It's rare I get people who phrase these things like a suggestion as opposed to a demand, and more often than not, they're incredibly rude about it. I appreciate your kindness.

As for the blocking of people who don't interact with fics beyond a like, I completely understand the hesitation, especially regarding smut. I have several friends who don't reblog smut altogether because they don't feel comfortable having it on their blog. I respect that, but they'll still reblog fluffy and angsty fics.

Me blocking serial likers or people who have yet to reblog a fic are on a case-by-case basis. I look at their blog and if it's blank, I immediately block. If they have an age indicator (18+ because I block minors without hesitation) in their bio along with something like just here to read fics, but their blog is blank, I block them. If your blog is like the second scenario, I encourage you to make a text post explaining that you're figuring out tumblr (if you're new) or building up the courage to reblog fics. A post like that means you're less likely to get blocked.

However, if you serial like every fic on my Top Gun Maverick masterlist, for example, and I check your blog and see that you've reblogged fics in the past or that you actually have content on your blog, I won't block you. I give people the benefit of the doubt, but if your blog is blank, I probably won't. I've had people lash out at me, and fellow writers, for having this boundary in place. People don't owe us a reblog, but we don't owe them access to our fics, either.

Once again, thank you for being kind and respectful about this. I hope my answer helps you understand where I'm coming from.

[originalfireemblemscenarios]

May I have a male match up for Fire Emblem: Three Houses, please? I am a hetero-leaning demisexual (on the ace spectrum!) and I identify as female. It basically just means that I need a super deep emotional connection with the person first before I even consider any sort of romantic attraction. In terms of what I'm looking for in a relationship, I really value loyalty. I also kind of go by a credo of "men aren't competing against other men, they're competing against your solitude" in that I am super comfortable with me being single and my significant other has to add something to my life that me being alone with family and friends could not. But I like the idea of a person being a home and I seek comfort in my significant other while they also push me to be better. I prefer charismatic and humorous personalities as well as someone outgoing since I am quite shy myself!

In terms of what I can offer in a relationship, I too am extremely loyal. Once I commit to someone it means that I value them enough in my life to genuinely work on the relationship so that it lasts all the way through, platonic or otherwise. My love language is acts of service and physical touch (but I definitely don't give it out often). I don't tend to be touchy right off the bat and I absolutely hate receiving gifts, but I also understand that my significant other might have other love languages different from me so I'd want to communicate with them a compromise or at least discuss it. I'm a homebody so I don't go out much if I don't have to but I'd be more than willing to go on adventures with people I'm comfortable with so long as they don't go off on their own (I tend to cling to "safe" people when I feel uncertain or nervous).

I'm quite a prideful person and I'm not really silly when people first meet me (a lot of people say they're intimidated or they think I'm quite serious, that I know what I want and that I don't take any nonsense which is what scares them off). I tend to be closed off to people until they stick around long enough to get to know me. I'm a frugal spender (which is why I don't really like gift giving as a love language). I enjoy reading and playing video games on my spare time and absolutely love my dogs to death; I love all animals but nothing will beat out my own pets!

I'm so sorry that this turned out so long and I hope I didn't miss anything!

You certainly gave me a lot to work with! But I did have a dilemma between two completely different characters lol

This is a part of 3x Valentines event (All slots are taken)

I match you with...

Caspar von Bergliez

As intimidating as you come off to others at first, that'd be his exact reason why he'd be interested in getting to know you in the first place.

Turns out you're even cooler than he expected. Loyalty, set of rules, good sense of pride- he definitely appreciates it all.

Even if it took longer for you to open up, Caspar is too determined and easy to be open around guy to let that stop him.

And as you look in a partner something you can't get from either a friend or a family member he took it as a challenge once he was sure of his feelings.

His love language is the same as yours, but he's much more interested in acts of service. Both receiving and giving.

Being his lover means that he'd often "drag you out"... Sometimes literally, but since you're not opposed to going out it really won't come to this. Probably.

And when you're nervous, he'll be your strength. He can sometimes be a little foolish, but in the end you can count on him when you need him.

~Mod Bernadetta

[wheelin-after-midnight]

18.

Have you ever made a sex tape?

I have filmed myself for someone, yeah. No shame at all. I'm a sexual person and I love and trust her. She can have and see anything of me that she wants, and she has. I've not filmed anything together because she doesn't want to and I respect that. I wouldn't be opposed to it, though.

Do you look like a boring person?

I think I look like a reserved, probably often unhappy person, which is not wrong, but I'm not boring. I'm a lot of fun. I love outings and little adventures with whoever is down. I love spontaneous plans, though I don't have opportunity to make them that often. I love laughing. I have a lot to me. More than one trait or facet of someone's personality can exist at once.

When’s the last time someone made you feel like you mattered?

My dad did when he called me before work today and listened to why I'm stressed and upset and validated it instead of dismissing it or pretending it's not happening.

Are your teeth clean?

I'm eating, so no.

Have you ever seriously questioned your sanity?

Ugh. Yes.

Do cheesy movies ever inspire you?

Sure. Lots of movies inspire me.

Do you need a vacation?

That would be lovely.

How do you feel about your weight right now?

It's fine. I fluctuate a bit since all that I lost, but I don't obsess over it anymore.

Do graveyards thrill or terrify you?

They do neither. I'm pretty indifferent toward them. Unless it's the one where Nan and Pa are. I have yet to be taken to their gravesite despite asking and begging and it makes me so fucking upset.

Would you ever snort pixie sticks?

No.

Do you like tea?

Not as much as I used to, but yeah.

When’s the last time you took a shower?

Yesterday.

Do your sheets come off your bed easily?

The ones with the deepest pockets stay on nice and tightly. Others slip off.

Does music rule your life?

It's a huge part of it.

Oreos or Chips Ahoy?

Oreos. If they're the mint ones.

Would you say your life is on the right track right now?

My life is turning completely upside down and I'm absolutely sick over it. I would do anything to stop what's happening from happening.

Do you have a better body or a better face?

I don't think either is particularly noteworthy, tbh.

What’s the next thing you have to do that you’re dreading?

Get through the holidays, move.

Do / Did you skip class?

I have.

Have you ever drank cough syrup to get high?

Not to intentionally get high. I've drank maybe more than recommended when I felt like absolute trash and ended up feeling pretty out of it. I don't know whether that was the dosage or the fact I was really sick. Likely a bit of both.

Does your head hurt right now?

No.

Is your phone always on low battery?

My tablet sometimes gets to that point, not always.

Do you miss any of your exes?

My last ex isn't an ex anymore, so I guess you could say I missed her enough to forgive her and work things out and get back together. The others don't matter.

Did you ever take pottery class in High School?

I didn't have that as an option. Maybe I would've if I had.

Have your parents ever suggested that you see a therapist?

Lmfao no. I was the one suggesting counselling and therapy for us together. They wouldn't do it.

Do you masturbate on a regular basis?

Sure do.

Would you ever dye all your hair bright pink?

I want to when the current colour comes out and I have to redo my hair.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “Monday”?

Nothing.

How do you feel physically right now?

Tired. My stomach is kinda messed up today also.

How do you feel emotionally?

Terrible. I'm just good at hiding it.

Have you ever been friends with someone with bipolar disorder?

Yeah.

Do you have long eyelashes?

No.

Has anyone ever threatened you?

Yes.

Could you fall asleep right now?

I wish.

Do you look pretty today?

I hardly ever think I'm pretty. I usually think I'm hideously ugly.

When’s the last time you ate something?

Right now.

When’s the last time you felt completely and totally alone?

I almost always feel that way.

Have you ever used jump roping as a work out?

I can't jump rope. I can't even walk on my own.

How much money would you spend to see Eminem live?

I would be down to see Eminem, but I don't think I'd spend more than $400

Have you ever considered being a cop?

I wouldn't even be accepted into the academy in the first place.

What color was the last vehicle you were in?

Red.

Do you have big plans for the weekend?

No.

[hylianengineer]

I mean, you're not wrong, but you are oversimplifying and missing the point. Making stuff cheap really isn't the point of a tariff - it's SUPPOSED to drive prices up. If you took an economics class in high school, you probably learned this:

The point of tariffs is to make imported goods more expensive than locally made ones. That's it. If an American manufacturer is making the same t-shirt and selling it to a store for 20 dollars (as opposed to the 30 a store has to pay for an imported shirt), then the store would sell the locally made shirt for $40 and the imported one for $50. Consumers, it is assumed by this very simplified theory, will then buy the $40 shirt (which is assumed to be virtually identical to the imported one), supporting local businesses.

However, this requires there to be equivalent locally made goods available, AND assumes that manufacturing costs are the same in both places. Crucially, that's not often the case. Labor tends to get outsourced to places like China because it's cheap. So then it's a game of "which is cheaper, paying less for labor overseas, importing stuff, and paying tariffs? Or making stuff here?"

What's the answer to this problem? I dunno, ask an economist. Do tariffs actually make local goods cheaper than imported ones given how the real world diverges from the neat hypotheticals of theory? I dunno, ask an economist. Should we have tariffs? I dunno, I need to ask an economist a bunch of questions before forming an opinion. But I will not tolerate this misinformation on my dash.

[harbouredsoulss]

Highly Suspicious | Aaron Hotchner | Chapter One 

There is no rhyme or reason for this gif I just wanted one with all the cast!

I've really enjoyed writing this, so I really hope you like it!

Please, please, please, don't hesitate to comment, like, and reblog 🥰

Pairings: Aaron Hotchner x OC [Josephine 'Jo' Andrews]

Summary: Please click here for a synopsis

Warnings: series overall will be 18+; fluff; friendship; first person pov

Just wanted to note that this is only the beginning of the story, therefore nothing super duper exciting is happening. We are just getting to know Miss Andrews and her relationship with the team.

ALSO: I don't typically write in first person mainly because I am more comfortable writing in 3rd person. So... I guess this is a bit of an apology if this is crap. You are probably wondering why I wrote in 1st person if I feel more comfortable in 3rd. The short answer is that the words came to me quicker in 1st than 3rd (for this particular story).... so 1st person POV is what I've chosen.

A03 link

Word Count: 2.6k words

Chapter One 

The sentiment at the end of each case was always the same. A forlorn feeling loitering like a sky ready to storm; if only we allowed.

Exhaustion lingered tight all over, behind my eyes, running up and around the muscle of my thighs; a reminder of where I’d been and what I’d had done. 

The pressure to compartmentalise and leave behind each job, preferably unscathed, wasn’t easy. Perhaps for some, but for others it left marks behind.

I had cushioned myself between Emily and the window of the Jet, nestling my head in the crook of her neck, watching the act of decompression at its finest. It was a game of cards, one in which I’d seen them play many times before, though I had never played.

I usually lacked the energy; more-so the patience, for the game. 

That and Reid was a genius who was very rarely beaten. I didn’t find myself to be a ready, worthy opponent. 

Instead, I watched whoever dared oppose him, which at that moment, was Emily, so I settled myself in as spectator. 

JJ sat across from me, her brows furrowed, tired eyes skimming the contents of the pages in front of her. I knew what she was doing. It was the same thing she always did on our travels home.

It was a habit, one in which I’d tried to help her break, yet couldn’t. 

Every case we took, on our journey there and back she reviewed the other cases; the ones put aside, deemed less of a priority. Although she tried her best to hide it, I knew she reviewed them throughout the cases we were on, keeping tabs on situations she felt certain would escalate. 

It was guilt that kept her in this cycle. Not that JJ had anything to feel guilty about. We couldn’t take on every case sent to her.  

“Everything okay?” I asked her, doing my best to stifle a yawn.  

She looked up, eyes meeting mine own, a soft sigh escaping her lips. I could see the heaviness of it all, the prominent lines adorning her forehead, the set of her jaw – she’d been clenching again – the strain was plain to see, and it worried me. 

“Fine,” she responded, stretching, moving her neck from side to side, her groans mirroring the sounds of her body moaning in protest, the stress fleeing her body, “I just wish there could be a day where I’d open one of these folders and find nothing. No requests. No deaths. No crimes. Nothing.”

A laugh, an all-knowing, weary laugh, one that lacked its usual vigour escaped my lips. 

“Wouldn’t that be lovely,” I retorted, “though we’d be out of a job. I wouldn’t even be mad.”

Tiredness leeched from me coherent words of comfort to add to the conversation, words that would offer JJ any kind of reassurance or comfort. I tried not to feel too guilty.

Instead, I nuzzled further into the warmth of the body beside me, offering a heavy sigh as a response, one that I hoped could convey my feelings of solidarity.  

The fatigue, the kind that often nestled its way deep into our very bones, grew stronger, a sting ever-present behind my eyes. I had known that it wouldn’t take too long for my body to give in, allowing the heaviness of the day to lift like fog and sleep to swallow me whole. 

I tried to resist, instead, I did my best to focus on the voices around me. 

I focused on Morgan first, studying him. His eyes were closed, body slumped peacefully in his seat, mind clearly captivated by the music streaming through his ears, lips humming its tune. 

Dave caught my attention next; I could hear his voice coming from further up the jet where I knew he’d be seeking refreshment. The time of day never a bother, he was always ready for caffeine. Distance unable to stop him, he still managed to interject himself into the heckling the card game had evoked. His own jabs adding fuel to the fire. 

“You know,” Emily piped up, eyes gleaning with mischief, “you could make this really interesting Rossi. If you joined us.”

“Emily, if I’m going to wager on anything, it won’t be with me playing, it will be on Reid winning.”

I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped me, laughing harder still as my gaze fell to Reid, who sat before me, a smug smile on his lips, hands moving quickly as he shuffled their cards. 

“Hey now,” Emily protested, “have a little faith.” 

I clung to their teasing, finding comfort in their jabs and laughter, watching as Rossi, having finished making his beverage, stood behind Reid observing as he dealt the cards. 

There was something about these people – my family – that warmed me. If I thought too hard on it, I was sure to cry. Instead, I turned my attention outward – back to them and did my best to enjoy these moments – savour them. They won’t last forever.  

But for now, it would be enough. 

*

I was always mindful of the many eyes and ears within the small confines of the jet, aware that if I allowed myself a moment to linger too long on Hotch that I would open myself up to curious glances.  

Instead, I allowed myself mere moments to take in the sight of him. The line of his mouth was thin, eyes tired, ringed with the kind of darkness I could only fault as a lack of sleep. 

He did his best to appear relaxed, leg crossed against the other, hand fisting a crystal glass filled with what I hoped to be, for his sake more than my own, water. The other held his phone, the artificial light illuminating his face. 

There was no denying that something was eating at him. 

I had seen him with Jack, and understood that having had him made Hotch susceptible to the kind of feelings one would have after dealing with a case as gruesome as the one we left. 

Abuse was something I could never fathom. Let alone violence against children.

Time, a relative thing, one I could never quite track as well as I hoped, passed as I watched him. I hadn’t realised how much until I caught him quirking his lips to the side. 

He was smirking at me. 

I blushed, embarrassed at having been caught staring, the heat warming my cheeks.  

He offered a nod of the head, lips still quirked, eyes trained on mine. I matched his gaze, eyes lingering for a time. I willed him to see in mine that I saw him. That he was okay. This was okay. Embarrassment be damned. 

Feeling satisfied after a moment or two passed, I looked away, cataloguing the rest of the team, seeking comfort from their nearness, and allowed myself to slowly fall into a slumber. 

Their voices drifted off, growing ever so soft as I was called to sleep. It wasn’t unlike myself to fall asleep on the jet – any moving vehicle – head slumped against someone’s shoulder or resting gently against the windowpane. It was amusing to say the least, as I was always the first to fall. It was only a matter of guessing how long exactly it would take. 

It was a game the team often played, taking bets walking onto the tarmac, making their way towards the jet. A wager Rossi was happy to take. 

Scarcely, I won. I managed a victory or two on our shorter flights, though the vast majority I lost. My willpower not strong enough. 

Dreams, often plagued by vivid memories of the past, pulled me under without hesitation, feeding into my weariness. 

It was no surprise, after the week we had had, that this time my dreams decided to take me back to a time where things in life were steadier, clearer – less confusing. Where everything had begun. 

*

I was taken back to my first day as an Agent at the BAU. There were introductions being made between myself and Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner, my new boss.

He had walked in with an air of self-possession one could only place as having come from such a tenured experience as a Senior Officer at the BAU.

We stood next to one another, Section Chief Strauss sitting comfortably behind her desk observing us both. 

The tension in my body was palpable, nerves ever present. I wiped my hands as discreetly as I could, behind my back. I kept them there, crossed behind me, a perfect excuse to hide the nails that had been chewed to the bit. 

Within that same memory, I could recall the ghost of a smile on Aaron’s face, arm extended ready to take his hand in mine own. It was a firm shake, one that reminded me of something my father had once told me. Something about being able to tell a lot about a person by the firmness in which they shake. 

All I could think – hope – at the time was that Agent Hotchner couldn’t feel how sweaty my palms were. 

He was polite throughout our formal greeting, seeming genuinely pleased to have me joining his team. 

“It’s great to have you,” he responded quickly after the general introductions had been made, eye contact never wavering, “we have great need of someone of your talents.” 

I was well aware that at that moment my face, and neck were flamed red. 

“Thank you,” I offered in reply, releasing my hand from his grip, maintaining my smile, “I can’t wait to get started.”

I was asked questions, from both Strauss and Hotchner, regarding my time in the counter terrorism unit. They paid compliments on the work they had reviewed, expressing confidence in my ability to tackle a new role at the BAU.  

Much of the conversation surrounded my accolades, traversing from the beginning of my career up until this point. Although I had already been hired for this new role, Strauss wanted to analyse my experiences. I believe this was more for my new boss’ benefit rather than my own. I was proud of my achievements but couldn’t help but feel self-conscious with the attention they were acquiring. 

It got to a point, thankfully, where the conversation grew stagnant, Strauss having had dissected as much of my work as she could, steered her attention to the paperwork on her desk, all but for a moment before turning it back to the male beside me. 

“Have you gotten a chance to read over the case I left on your desk?” 

“I’ve already gathered the team; we’ll be debriefing on the jet once we’re done here.” Agent Hotchner answered. 

Strauss nodded and looked to me, “I understand there has been no time to adapt to your surroundings, albeit that is the nature of the job. If you have no objections, I can clear you to start with the team today.” 

“You want me to start now?”

“Is that a problem?” 

“No Ma’am.”

The eagerness I tried to stifle all morning churned.  

I understood the nature of the job, having had worked in law enforcement and completing a stint in the counter terrorism unit. I was aware that both jobs were vastly different to that of working as a profiler. There were elements in each that overlapped one another, but this was different. I knew the nuisances of behavioural analysis; mode and method of it all.

My role was to look through the eyes of a criminal, to understand them – my own biases aside – to use that information to find and apprehend them.

“There is some paperwork that needs to be completed first,” Agent Hotchner spoke up, looking to Strauss before turning back to me, “but if you have a go-bag at the ready, I don’t see a problem with you completing it once we return.”

I knew what the implications were if things went wrong; but this was a chance to prove myself. 

They were both looking to me now, Strauss no longer seated. Both awaiting my answer.

I didn’t make them wait long.   

“It’s in my car,” I responded, stifling a smile, “I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect on my first day; I thought it would be safe to bring it just in case.”

That seemed to have settled things and brought our meeting to an end.

Strauss, not one for luck, wished me well and bid us goodbye. 

I followed Agent Hotchner out of the room and towards what I could only presume to be the teams meeting room. 

The convergence point, having been the round table, adorned with papers, tablets, folders, and the like. The chairs, seven of the eight, were already filled by the members of my new team. They were engrossed in the information being presented before them, eyes scanning the pages, and images of the case files.  

Agent Hotchner rapt his knuckle on the door garnering their attention. They looked up, leaning forward in their seats, interest piqued by what I could only assume was the addition of my presence.

“Everyone this is Agent Andrews,” he looked from his team, one by one, and brought his gaze back to me, face masked, giving nothing away, “She’ll be joining the team and starting on this case. We’ll be moving the briefing onto the jet. They’re needing us on the ground as soon as possible.”

I stood there, taking in the sight of my new team, watching as they had begun to clear up around them, readying to leave. 

They didn’t hesitate to acknowledge my presence with a chorus of welcome as they each rose from their seats and made their way to where I stood. 

I was first approached by a woman of small stature, her height adjusted by a pair of sparkly black chunky heels. 

“Penelope Garcia,” she offered me her hand to take, a dazzling smile lighting up her face, “welcome to the team!”

There was something comforting about her presence – something that gave off an iridescent kind of glow that emanated from her, enough to put me at ease.

Perhaps it was the way in which she chose to present herself, bright colours adorning all her clothes, and accessories. Soft tendrils of bleach blonde hair framing her face, bright blue eyes shielded by a pair of ruby red glasses. She was joy personified. 

Derek Morgan, and David Rossi were next, with Agent Rossi sure to stress his preference of being called Dave, followed by a laugh and a firm shake of his hand. Emily Prentiss followed quickly offering a quip on my getting used to the boisterous bunch, kindness radiating from her. Dr. Spencer Reid, had followed behind, the last in the room to introduce themself. He gave me a smile, one just as kind as the rest. 

Though I was quick to realise that we were missing someone. 

Agent Hotchner must have noted my puzzled expression, watching as I looked around the now empty room. He responded with a wry smile, “you’ll meet our Communications Liaison, Agent Jareau, on the Jet.” 

I smiled in response observing a strange feeling – one I couldn’t quite place – trickle through me as we stared at one another, his brown eyes piercing mine.

We didn’t stand there for very long, yet it was long enough to observe the energy that flowed between us. It was calming. 

I often found my superiors intimidating, especially those of the opposite sex. I didn’t allow that to impact my performance or stop myself from reaching new heights. I managed to make it this far in my career, I wouldn’t let my own insecurities or egotistical men get in my way. 

Therefore, it was an odd experience, the emotions that aired themselves freely as I stood there with him. Perplexing to say the least. 

That feeling, whatever it was, fizzled abruptly by the clearing of his throat. 

“We better get going.”

I gathered myself, mentally shaking my head. Time was of the essence and we were the only ones standing idly by in the conference room, the rest of the team already having left, making their way to the Jet. 

“Yes,” I breathed, voice low, “Sir.”

Taglist: @louderfortheback, @clarasmoon

[cookinguptales]

You know, it’s odd... I was talking to a friend about Nandor (as... I often do) and I was thinking about timelines...

One thing I’ve always been interested in is the way that the three (normal) vampires clearly lost touch with the modern world. They haven’t always been completely out-to-lunch! That’s the weird part! We see in photos that they used to keep up with the latest fashions, they talk about being friends with both human and vampire celebrities in the 20s through 60s, they had jobs, they mention going out to clubs and parties often, they use a lot of references that wouldn’t have been out of date when they learned them.

So like... what happened, exactly? What made them withdraw? Some of it probably is that it is easier to withdraw these days, but with Nandor in particular...

I was joking that Benjy might’ve been around when Nandor started dating Gail for the first time, or if he wasn’t, then he would’ve been right before her. (I know that Benjy was 70s and Gail was 80s, but it was kind of unclear how long Benjy was actually around. Definitely at least 5 years based on cultural clues but...) And then I really thought about the Nandor that we saw in the pictures with Benjy.

He’s... pretty different from the Nandor we see with Guillermo. This Nandor was going to parties, going out dancing with his familiar, going to political protests, dressing up as characters from pop culture, etc. He didn’t always seem, um, super savvy about the politics, so it’s arguable that the decline had already begun. (Or he’s just always been an idiot.) But he was undoubtedly more clued-in than he is now. And you see that he seems a little less culturally active when he’s with Gail, but still going out, doing things, going to concerts, etc. Still wildly different from the current Nandor.

It sort of seems to me that Nandor is one of those people that gets drawn into things by the people around him. He went to that Bob Seger concert for Gail. He went to a Superb Owl party and Atlantic City for Sean. It’s not that he’s opposed to going out and doing things and learning things. It’s just rarely his idea. I wouldn’t be surprised at all to find that some of the 70s stuff was Benjy’s doing.

So what exactly changed in this period? Well... Nandor kind of lost his human support system. He ditched Benjy because Benjy was starting to become needy and disaffected and was asking too much about vampirism. (We can draw these conclusions from the photos and Nandor’s complaints.) He was then dumped (repeatedly) by Gail, a woman who he seems to be genuinely in love with. This really does look like the beginning of the end for Nandor, because by the time Guillermo met him in roughly 2010, Nandor seems to have been pretty much the way we see him now, if not worse. Like, Guillermo has never been shocked, exactly, by Nandor’s naïveté or unpopularity, so this isn’t a recent development.

So... Nandor loses touch with the human world right around the advent of the internet. He has very mild familiarity with the internet, but only the oldest and least useful parts of it. That means he really misses the information boom and the era of interconnectedness that we’re currently experiencing.

From everything we know about Nandor, my guess is that he was pretty depressed in the 90s, as well. He was on-again-off-again with Gail and apparently took it really hard every time she left. He does not appear to have had a long-term familiar in this era, at least not that we’ve heard anything about.

I guess what I’m saying is... Nandor said in the cult episode that it was the happiest he’d felt in decades, and yeah, that makes sense to me. Nandor’s current depression seems to be the end result of several decades of loss, disaffectation, and a profound sense of loneliness. (Spurred on now by losing his country, his love interests, his metaphysical understanding, and to some degree, his sense of self.) He has the vampires, he has Guillermo, but it’s not like Guillermo was really pushing him for a lot of that time. He was much mousier than Benjy and didn’t really try to force Nandor out of his comfort zone or invite him out to places.

Nandor joined a cult. lbr, it was a cult. It was a cult of community, of humanity, of... the eighties. It really feels like him reaching back to a period in his life when he was happier and more connected and felt much less lonely. It was all fake, obviously, but he was very happy to believe in the lie. 

Guillermo was clearly very hurt when Nandor said he hadn’t been this happy since the period before Guillermo, but I don’t think it was personal, if perhaps said out of spite. I think Nandor’s just very prone to nostalgia and believing that his life would be better if it were more like it was in happier periods. But... Gail dumped him in the 80s. His wives hated, feared, and left him in the 1200s. They have never actually been happier, less lonely times. He’s just fallen prey to nostalgia.

Anyway, it’s interesting to see him finally making human friends again. He’s going out, going places, meeting new people, learning new things, consuming new media. It all seems to be really overwhelming for him because he’s drastically out of practice. Guillermo has been a big help in that now that he’s finally standing up for himself and standing up to Nandor. They’re not quite treating each other as equals yet, but they’re approaching it. 

I think it’s really interesting that Nandor wanted to take Guillermo on this trip around the world with him. It really feels like the ultimate in getting out of his comfort zone with a person that he loves, which is how we’ve seen him interacting with the world of the recent past. (And now! See: Jan.) I desperately wish they could have had that together, but I still hope that getting out and seeing/doing new things helps push Nandor out of this ennui and maybe makes him learn some stuff about himself. (And Guillermo...)

I fully believe that a large portion of depression is stagnation, and more than any other character in the series, Nandor has stagnated. But maybe a little Eat, Prey, Love will help him out? We can only hope. :<

[sunshinemunchkin]

Maybe comforting George bcs sometimes he feels like everyone prefers Fred over him or they think that he's funnier than him,,, /?

you probably dont care but im on my period rn jsmdjs so im in like an angsty mood if that makes any sense lolol

Put You First

pairing: George Weasley x Reader

summary: george is feeling inferior to fred. you, being his best friend, comfort him and push his insecurities away.

warnings: crying, self-pity, insecurities, kissing.

word count: 711

a/n: lmao i feel that <3 i care a lot! drink some tea and eat some chocolate for me babes :) this is also kinda rushed so sorry if it's not the best :/

>>>>

you hadn't missed how your best friend slunk against the wall whenever someone was talking more to his twin brother, fred, than him. or how his smile dropped in the slightest whenever someone asked about his brother.

your heart broke for george, even more so considering you were and always had been in love with him.

so when you stopped by his dorm the next day to drop off some ideas for new items for his growing shop, you decided enough was enough at the sound of his pitiful sniffles.

knocking softly on the door, you open it when you don't hear an answer, revealing george with his face stuffed in his pillow.

"georgie?" the man sat up at the sound of your voice, ashamed of having been caught in this low state.

"hey, y/n. what's up?" taking tentative steps towards george, your smile turned soft.

"george." you started, sitting next to him on the bed and taking his hand in yours. a motion that was so fluid to the both of you.

"it's just me. you don't have to hide your emotions." a small blush creeped onto george's face, his eyes refusing to meet yours.

"it's foolish." he mumbled, earning a squeeze to his hand from you.

"i'll bet it's not. and that you're just making it seem that way. your feelings are valid, georgie." he nodded, taking your words into account before sighing deeply.

"i just feel so left out. everyone always seems to like fred more. i can't say that blame them though, he is more charming, and funny, and-." cutting him off with a hand that cupped his cheek, forcing his glassy eyes to look at yours.

you stared at george, feeling every emotion he was enduring. you allowed for your love for him to pour through your soft and sweet touches to the man's warm skin.

"how can you compare yourself to him when you are so different?" your words took him by surprise as he had never thought of it in that way before.

he had always been compared or thought of as fred's other half, his twin. it has always been fred and george. never just george.

"i-i hadn't thought of that. we're so often associated with one another." you watched the gears turning in his head as you lean forwards into him, feeling his natural pull.

"i don't associate you two together." a realization had occurred to george, that you were right, as you often were.

never once had you referred to him as fred's twin. in fact, to you, it has always been george and fred, as opposed to the older twin being first.

while george was often overlooked by everyone else, to you he wasn't.

this thought pulled a smile from him to which you returned.

"thank you. for always putting me first." your thumb came up to swipe away the stray tears that slid down his soft cheek as you smiled softly at him.

"george, i have and always will put you first." a pause hung in the air , the two of you noticing how close you had gotten.

there was a moment of hesitation, before george cupped your face in his rather large hands and pressed his lips to yours.

you felt as if you were floating, it all happened so quickly and now you were pressing your lips back against george's, your best friends, and crush's. it felt right. like everything had fell into place.

thanking the universe, you inhaled quickly before bringing his face closer to yours, if that was even possible, eliciting a soft groan from the man as you tugged on his red locks.

pulling away, regrettably, george grinned at you with flushed lips.

"why haven't we done that sooner?" he questioned with a laugh, one that never failed to make the butterflies emerge inside of you.

"i have no clue. but i don't want to stop." george simply laughed once more, before pulling you to sit on his lap.

"oh don't worry darling, i don't plan on stopping." that same mischievous smile had returned to the once upset boy, and that calmed both yours and his worries as george kissed you once more, the two of you happily floating in the other's grasp.