#well ok yes i guess burn out depression is a reason

[beneathsilverstars]

guys i think my depression meds are working

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[marinazone]

What's been bugging my brain recently

Boy oh boy where do I start. Well I suppose I'll start with a little bit of context. Hi! My name is Hunter (if you never knew my real moniker, not many do even if i tell them); and I have been in a disastrous...what could only be described as love illness, since February 28th. Before i explain why (if you dont already know) allow me to provide my full experience with love. When i was in 12th grade i was used as rebound for a girl named Nicole after her boyfriend had broken up with her. It was the first time i had ever gotten to feel love, the expectations of what i should expect were to be established from then forward. We talked a lot asked eachother how we were doing shared similar interests that kinda shit. It was cool, the sex was lukewarm at best but it felt nice to feel appreciated. Thats when her emotional manipulation began. She would be in low points that i attributed to depression. I always told her "go get help for your depression, itll only get worse" all of which she militantly ignored to the point where she told me she was being physically abused by her family. Naturally, stupid me, believed her and grew more and more attached and protective and i didnt find out til after we split up that she was full of horse shit. It was during this point that she would take opportunities when she was "moody" to punch me across the face. Why did i take that shit? I dont know! I guess i was too fucking scared to lose someone i was attached too. Two years passed and i realize she started to ditch me to hang with some dude named Paul and was cheating on me for months. I finally asked firmly if she was and she admitted it, playing sap. I was devestate for about three months afterward. I had planned to kill myself numerous times but always remembered how much my friends would miss me. It was during this time around 2013 that i took up a habit of walking a mile to a nearby bridge on a "private walk" over an artificial lake to just gaze into and get lost in what seemed like infinite thought. I eventually got over her, but only after deleting all contact with her.

Second is someone online i will just call Saber. A very basic ass relationship. No emotional fulfillment for me and only sexting. He was a bit different in abuse in that it was more a financial abuse than anything else. He relied on me to pay for his ffxiv game and subscription and shit cause he didnt live in NA and i didnt see a cent back. The separation was far more a fade then burning out. We just stopped talking and i stopped giving once i realized i was being used

And the third ex is actually criminally dangerous so i will avoid any details at all about them! Just know theyre in jail still i think and they dont know my address

So we arrive more recently, I dont want to use exact names as im still in contact with them and are (presumably) friends and i do not wish to expose information given in confidence. I will just be using first initials as follow: A, B, T, and W.

So it began with a message I'd received from B (all this was when i was freyacrescentshangover on here). He messaged me because we were into the same shit and asked if i wanted to rp. I figured sure! Why not! Well he was pretty chill and nice and i would eventually tell him i had a crush on him. He said "its cool we have similar fetishes but lets just stay friends for now ok?"

It didnt upset me to much. Then W entered my life and boy is she a treat (not sarcastic, mostly). She contacted me for much the same reason. We were into similar shit. We'd spend a lot of time back and forthing this stuff and getting to know eachother and then i finally told her i had a crush on her and her answer is something to keep in mind for later. She didnt say yes, but she didnt say no. She told me things such as ne being cute and how she enjoyed how we had similar kinks and said she'd be down to be more flirty sometimes. I had no fucking idea what this meant (No offense W) so I was more just in a state of confusion where our relationship was. As for why i admired her? She was passionate. Her interests were so emblazoned on her soul that is was visceral just being in a conversation (still is to an extent). Yet she's also so cool and mysterious. It felt like she was someone i had to learn about, someone that i could listen to their passions for hours in complete awe and admiration. Thats still what i admire about her to this day i suppose, but ill get onto that more in a bit.

This was also around the same time i had developed a crush on A. A is super cool and chill even to this day. Never afraid to be herself or says what she feels and that is truely admirable. She'd contacted me because, once again, we were into similar fetishes. We did the old exchange weird stuff and talk until i noticed she, by complete fucking cosmic coincidence, lived in the same town as me. You guessed it! Got a crush on her. This rejection breaks the mold a bit though in that she reciprocated the feelings but felt she was in to many relationships and couldnt provide me the emotional support i needed. Didnt bother me too much.

Well, that is until a couple months later A and her wife formed triad with W. It felt so.....bad if im being honest. I feel guilty to say it and i am really happy for them still! But there's always been a part of me since then that sorta felt......jealous? Short changed? I dont know, its hard to find a word for it. Its like when you taste something super fucking sour but you like expected it to be sweet. My self worth sorta plummeted from it all. Like i just wasnt enough for them..

Cut to later and i met T. Shes super sweet and funny and boy i got a crush on her too! She got into contact with me because......you guessed it! Similar fetishes! It feels like im just gifted with a power that lets people confide their weird fetishes with me. When i told her she told me essentially "Same fetishes dont like you that way".

Now we cut from 3 years ago to a month ago. I get feelings spurring up again for T and W (Probably A too but after how this goes I dont wanna be crushed ever again). I tell T first i have a crush on her. She says something similar to before but elaborates that romantic feelings are very hard for her to obtain. Then I tell W again. She says "We have similar fetishes and thats cool but i dont like you that way". For some fucking reason, this was an emotionally devastating breaking point for me and im not sure why. i got over T in like two days. W on the other hand? Were a month strong in and I still cant stop being depressed about it all. What happened here? What went different here? Was it because of the awkward response id receive years ago? Was it the jealousy-like feelings i still harbored? Is it just because i wanted to hear more about her and her interests and passions hidden under that cool (and sexy) exterior like i had before? I dont know. Probably never will. Likely a combination of all those though.

So here I am, on this weird precipice of loneliness, ready to die any second because my self worth doesnt seem to improve no matter what I do (and ive been doing a ton lately). Will I be able to work up the courage to take another final shot at A? Probably not, my body can't take another hit like that. Atleast not so soon. Will I ever get over W? Im not sure. The last time i felt this bad was with Nicole and I had to cut all contact with her to feel better, but the thought of doing that with W makes me even more sick. Maybe I'm just SOL and my emotional and mental stability doomsday clock is finally reaching midnight (sure hope not! I have Marinas to bully!).

Apart from all this, with how spurred i feel and such. I find it harder and harder to get out of bed every day. To do the things i like keeping myself healthy. Eating. Showering. To live. And yet I move.

[kidfoundonstreets]

last post AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

THEY TALK TEHY TALK THEY TALK THEY TALK THJEYYYY >:D

HRLP.. casually asking his age that means that sirius couldve been waiting for dorothy for 10+ years.. damn THE “SO YOUNG” OK 500 YR OLD the only reason im not changing his name to old man is bc emo boy fits him more rlly like seeing them interact.. everybody here so interesting with each other

ALSO YEAH EXACTLY. it throws me off because ashe seems a lot more emotional in this one bro if hes still living in the past  smacks ashe so much angst can fit in this bitch FLAHSBACK TIME!!!! i realized thgat its less the crystal and more him just replaying memories?? or its zooming more in on him idk its just my own take i guess someone hug him it feels like he isnt over whatever happened at all THE PIANO PLAYING PART HAHSAHDWQH “i guess this is my fate??” PIANO PLAYING ASHE WHEN calling it right now i think that she died in a fire somehow not from her illness. maybe. maybe

WAY I GRIMACED AT THIS LINE..............................

claire noticing devleopment i love her

even if its really scaring me right now okay that was precious even if it was really depressing ashe therapy speedrun challenge GO! im glad they get to genuinely talk in this one it feels a lot more different with whats going to happen and tbh im living for it

good luck ashe i guess i really still wanna hug you they wouldnt grant it anyway. its a good wish and demons dont grant goodness and even if he did get his wish he still would never be the same because of how brutally he killed a person to get it and i dont think his family is really as healthy as he says or thinks they are it feels a lot like denial OKAY HELL YES FINAL DAY FLASHBACK TIME

its such a good family

WAIT HOLKY SHIT. RICHARD DID YOU DO THIS PROBABLY NOT NO HE LET HIM KNOW BUT HOLY SHIT

THIS IS SO WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THIS??????????? I FEEL SO BAD FOR ASHE NONE OF THIS WAS EVEN DESERVEDI DONT GET IT  THE WAY HE WOULDVE HURRIED STRAIGHT INTO THERE AND PROBABLY WOUDLVE DIED AS WELL IF PEOPLE DIDNT HOLKD HIM BACK THATS JUST CRUEL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU EWHGGSWGHGWHHHWHGWHWHW I HATE MATTY 

DUDE. I GET IT. COMPARISONS SUCK ASS BUT THAT WAS HIS ENTIRE FAMILY HE EVEN TRIED TO HELP YOU THIS IS MESSED UP  SO HE JUST ENDED UP HAVING BREAKDWONS AND DOING ALL OF THIS ITS NOT THAT I DONT FEEL SYMPATHY FOR EVERYTHING HES HAD TO DEAL WITH BUT HES RUINED SO MANY LIVES JFC the. thd resemblance with that face and the other faces he hallucinated on the others. what the fuck.

it isnt his fault he was just trying to help lillian the amount of survivors guilt ashe must be feeling right now. that’s families and even your family carrying on your back. what the hell matty. getting burned to death is one of my worst fears and the way that this just happened so easily and his family could do nothing about it and all ashe could do was stare and struggle and watch this isnt his fault at all its mattys fault for being so careless with other peoples lives or it could just be noones fault but UGGHHHJHJHEUIYU this is just too messed up. no wonder ashe can’t accept it and is so desperate

ashe 

i dont blame him for reacting like that at all. he had his entire life burn before him and just clung to the thing that couldve helped him get it back

the way that limes just in awe of how dead inside he looks  i cant get over this woah richard trying to reach out to him. that’s sweet but he’s too buried in his own mind

how long has he been doing this. long enough to grow a huge braid i guess

dude i cant take this i didnt exit out and just go speechless but i still died the fact that ashe in all of these try again try agains just kills claire over nad over hes done so much for his family and im sure that when he found out killing claire was what he had to do next his mind just thought of that as the next goal to do to get everything he wanted back i guess when he started laughing and stuff when he killed claire im taking this from reaper it was more based on adrenaline and the thought that he could finally have a good ending and not need to face the reality that everything he’s worked up to at this point + how he left his entire life behind for this + how one of his childhood best friends who he thought he could trust and tutor just full out backstabbed him by setting up the fire for certain deaths in the first place would all just crush him and hes justnjhjkhkj ashe deserved so much better. they all desevred so much better with the cards they were dealt and honestly? they all could take the witch’s heart and use it for a reasonable purpose i really like ashe. the actions he has done to achieve what he’s trying to do im sure hasn’t been pleasant or morally good but he’s desperate and doesn’t want his life to slip him by like that when it’s already too late he’s stuck himself on the stage of denial so deep that even if he does go back he won’t ever be completely healed im sure the thought scares him as well anyway good game. goodcharacter  i feel so empty and im bad at essays but im sure thge feelings will hit me hard later on another note 

i love how shocked charlotte is at claire’s genuine kindness and sympathy. i think that makes a good dynamic with her and claire  jokes on you bitch youre talking to the softest angel and you dont even know

charlotte has a point but being heartless is just something that claire wouldnt do tbh

[yakumtsaki]

Welcome, dear readers, to part 1 of the finale to the BackupKingdom2 saga! We’re in our final ambition now, let’s check how Liz’s post-divorce-bloodbath is going..

Oh yes, excellent. Our path to death-achievement-glory has been paved with so many executions that wherever I look I see npcs crying..

..comforting each other..

..and in Agnes' case, coming straight to Liz to.. ask for mercy for the populace I guess?? Bruh. I can't believe we even brought down AGNES, truly this is the saddest kingdom on earth. Amazing job, Liz, you've definitely earned your place in the tyrant hall of fame!

Now a lesser player would be like "oh, maybe we should chill a little on the insane tyrant thing, finish the Pirate/Noble arc cause we've been dragging this war out so the pirates/guildsmen would keep spawning and it should have ended like 20 quests ago" and true, we could just end it, we ran a very effective operation around here, shoutout to MVPs Donius and Bellinda and their 'seductive' legendary traits:

They bedded them and Liz beheaded them, the power of teamwork! So one could say that we should consider raising kingdom morale now because everyone is so depressed but I think, if anything, now is the time to ramp it up and go for some of the other morally questionable achievements! Like Machiavelli said, you should commit all your atrocities at once! What do you think, Liz? Ready to get atrocious?

-OH FUCK YEA, I’M ENRAGED, I DROPPED MY FIDDLE IN THE PIT AND NOW I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE SERVANT TO GET ME A NEW ONE!! WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME >:(

Aw I’m sorry Liz, but I’m sure you the upcoming suffering of your subjects will cheer you up!

-Ok motherfuckers, by order of the Crown aka ME -you hear that Rae?? ME, NOT YOU. God I want to execute you so bad, fucking ingrate, do you remember what rags you were wearing when I hired you??  

Let’s get this back on track, Liz.

-Right, so by order of the Crown, Magus Olivia and Spymaster Spainot are given COMPLETE LEGAL IMMUNITY to do whatever the fuck they want in the interest of earning achievements, so don’t you people come crying to me cause I don’t give one tiny chinchilla crap about your health and livelihoods. If you need me for something actually important, I'll be at the gates, executing anyone who doesn't like my fiddle playing.

-Oh man, this folksy peasant hat isn’t protecting my ears enough.

-THOUGHT I WOULDN’T HEAR YOUR LITTLE MURMUR, DID YOU  -YOUR MAJESTY NO I ONLY MEANT MY EARS WERE COLD -WELL ALL OF YOUR BODY’S ABOUT TO BE COLD NOW! CONSTABLE, THROW THIS PEASANT IN THE PIT

-Death marker? I hardly know 'er!

So the Constable npc has this little Billy Elliot subplot going, I'm pretty sure he has the 'drunkard' fatal flaw because he was always at the tavern so I had Bellinda try to hire him to perform in one of her plays just to see what would happen and it actually worked, and now he moonlights as an actor! It's cute but it also takes forever for him to come arrest people.

-THEY LOVE ME ❤️😁 -CONSTABLE WHATSYOURNAME, COME OVER HERE AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOB OR YOU'RE NEXT FOR THE PIT

-No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, when someone dies😢

In the background you can see that Bellinda just got a pregnancy bump, it’s her lovechild with Donius, I for real can’t keep these two apart. Anyway, the time has come..

..to unleash Magus Olivia onto the populace.

-You know what, I'd rather not, this book is finally getting good and I'm sick of cursing peasants, it doesn't even drop their mood that much..

Oh no, Olivia my beloved, we're not cursing them, we're going for the 'Well Done' achievement!

-NO WAY.

WAY.

-Won't I be executed??

You have immunity! You can do whatever you want!! And, AND, once you complete it, because I know it's tiring, I'll give you a magic skeletal parrot as a gift!! Edward got all the materials for it while treasure-hunting, you'd think I'd let him keep it but that's not the kind of shop I'm running here.

-This is my face of pure, childlike happiness!

Good lord, it’s terrifying, please don’t look at me like that.

-Alright, time to roll down my sleeves so they look more sinister and do this thing.

You can do it, Olivia!

-Of course I can, save your reassurance for the flops that need it.

-I.. cast.. INFERNO!

...

-What?

I mean really, those are the words, "I cast inferno"? Can't you say something with more evil magical flair?

-Not when I have to cast it 80 fucking times I can't.

-IT BURNS, IT BURNSSSSS

Oh how the tables have turned, usually it's the witch that gets burned, huhu! Did you hear that, Olivia? Did you like my joke??

-Oh, it's beautiful!

Well it wasn't one of my best-

-Not you, you needy moron, the sight of burning flesh! I can't wait to do this 79 more times!

Alright, so everyone in the tavern has been turned into a chicken nugget, time to get some rest and check in with Spainot!

-Amazing news, Rodolfo, I just got royal permission to unlawfully lock up and interrogate whoever I want for the achievements!!!

-Darling, no offense, but aren't you a bit too shit at your job for that? -WHAT????

-FUCK YOU RODOLFO YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF MY SUCCESS -I WISH I WAS JEALOUS OF YOUR SUCCESS, THEN YOU'D BE SUCCESSFUL AND I WOULDN'T BE MARRIED TO A BROKE LOSER

-And then he says the only reason he hasn't dumped me is he doesn't wanna be a rando npc while Batshit Liz is on an execution spree, can you believe this bullshit? How can anyone be so hurtful??

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NO NO PLEASE DON'T HAVE THIS CHINCHILLA MAUL ME I'LL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT

-How about you give me some marital advice, are you even listening?! Ugh.

That's right, while Olivia is inferno-ing the peasants, I've sicced Spainot on the nobility, specifically all those foreign diplomats that are always hanging in the reception hall, lagging up the place. We're going for the 100 interrogations achievement and we’ve installed a nice spiky torture chair right in the middle of the hall to save time! Now this is how we keep every stratum of society terrified enough to not realize that the person in charge is.. uh.. well you know:

-DANCE TO MY FIDDLE, PIRATE, DANCE!

-I AM!!!!!

-DANCE MORE ENTHUSIASTICALLY. ALL THE WAY TO THE PIT

After a couple days and several locations I feel we’re pretty close to 80 infernos!

I’d say we’ve burned a good 50-60% of the population at this point, everywhere I look I see singed townies-

-so we take this little barbecue to the palace because we’ve ran out of peasants and it’s time to start burning the foreign dignitaries. And it’s a good thing we do, because Olivia meets Nyrexis the Dragon!!!! 

Nyrexis is the human form of the dragon from a hilar quest where there’s a dragon in the kingdom and you can either befriend it or slay it, I had Bellinda befriend it:

So if you complete the befriend route of the quest, the human form of the dragon appears in town and is in love with whoever did the quest, in this case Bellinda. I am of course not about to waste Dragonfu on Bellinda’s basic ass, plus I feel Olivia is kind of a dragon with all the people she’s been burning so they have a lot in common! 

We dazzle Dragonfu with a coin trick! True magic at work.

-OMG IT WAS BEHIND MY EAR THE WHOLE TIME -I KNOW!

Good God, all of Olivia’s ‘happy’ expressions are terrifying, just don’t smile ever again, you’re too evil for it, you’re gonna scare the dragon away!

Or not!!!!

 AWWWWW 🐲❤️🔮

You know what, fuck it, let’s lock it down, when it’s right it’s right!

-Burn stuff with me forever?? -I WILL!!!!

-We are gathered here today, under threat of fiery death, to join two unholy abominations in holy matrimony. Yes, the irony is not lost on me. 

AW CONGRATS GUYS <3333 The wizard tower is so small and family un-friendly and Olivia is so unmaternal but come on, like I’m not gonna have her reproduce with a fucking dragon.

Back to Spainot, we’ve hit a slight bump, mainly that this Snordwich lord is proving fucking impossible to torture. 

-Um.. Are you enjoying this??? -Sure am, bad boy, but why don’t we take this somewhere more private already?

Wtf, stop sexually harassing the innocent person who’s torturing you! Does no one around here have any sense of humanity anymore??

-Come on, Spainot, throw some flesh-eating rodents at him! -I’M BUILDING UP TO IT, RAE, GAWD. No one likes a back-seat torturer!

-HA, who’s the loser now, Rodolfo? Rodolfo?? RODOLFO

Ya Spai I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m pretty sure he left while you were interrogating, I haven’t seen him in like 3 days.

-WHAT. So Olivia completes one achievement and gets a dragon wife and a magic skeletal bird and I complete three and get dumped?!

Well what do you want from me, I don’t make the rules!

-YES YOU DO

Can we move on, please? And Olivia had a very rough go of it-

-she got burned in some rando quest and looked positively karma-stricken after, inferno-ing left and right while sporting this look! She deserves a magic bird!

Congrats on your success and 4 kids, Olivia! 

-I love this skeleton bird more than I thought it possible to ever love something.

-Gee, thanks mom. 

We had leftover bones so here, Spainot, you get a magic bird too.

-A bone parrot is little comfort when you’ve lost the only bone that matters! Why Rodolfo, whyyyyy!!!!!!!!!

Oh I don’t know, probably because you challenged him to duels 3 times a day?

-No, that can’t be it.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you look like a man who has nothing to live for?

-Yea, I certainly don’t.

So you wouldn’t mind like, jumping into the pit multiple times so you can get the parts we need for the hardest achievement in game aka Legendary Doomsword?

-Rodolfo had one of those too, it was legendary and now that it’s gone I’m doomed!!!

Ok ya ENOUGH metaphors about Rodolfo’s absent penis, although they really are writing themselves. We’ll get him back! If you survive all the pit jumping that is. Join us next time for part 2: Legendary Doomsword!

[mylifeisactuallyamess]

In the Heat of the Fire....

Fireman!Poe Dameron x Female Reader

Warnings: description of fire, brief mention of hospitals, mention of depressive feelings, angst, fluff mention of smut and mention of pregnancy. NSFW 18+

Word count: 2585

Summary: Your flat catches fire and you’re saved by a dashing young Fireman who then takes you under his wing when you have nothing left.

You coughed, your eyes still shut as you rolled over in bed. You frowned, unable to take a deep breath you coughed again, this time it wracked your body violently and you finally opened your eyes. At first you couldn't see anything as it was dark, but as your eyes adjusted and you woke up you could see and smell the smoke. You blinked rapidly as your eyes began to water, you got out of bed, finally seeing the orange glow under your bedroom door, you grabbed a top and held it over your mouth before opening the door. You cried out as pain flared from your palm, the door handle was so hot it made your skin blister but you didn’t have time to even register it as the fire surged towards you, licking into your bedroom like it had been starved of air.

Panic began to bubble up inside you as you backed away in horror from the roaring inferno. You opened your window coughing and spluttering the more intense smoke, you could see the blue lights below you from the fire engines and the group of people from your building. You tried to call out but your throat was so sore you could barely form words let alone shout over the noise. You saw someone break away from the crowd and grabbed a firefighter, they pointed at you vigorously as you slid down the wall and out of sight. Your chest was tight, you could feel yourself becoming light headed and the smell assaulting your nostrils was making you feel sick. The fire was making its way round your bedroom and tears began to track their way down your face as you shook with fear. You thought of your parents, your friends even your work colleagues as you felt the heat roil around you.

Is this what the desert feels like? You felt a giggle try to erupt from you but all you could was cough, each time you did your head swam and your body ached as you slouched even more. The fire was close now, the blistering heat making your turn away as it consumed your bed, billowing more smoke into the room obscuring everything from sight.

You tried to gasp as hands reached out of the smoke and grabbed you, placing a mask hurriedly over your face. You gripped onto the rough coat of the firefighter as he lifted you up in his arms.

‘Cover your face.’ You pulled the top you had completely over your face tucking yourself as close to him as you could. ‘I’ve got you.’ Pain blossomed from your burnt hand but you tried to ignore it knowing you didn’t want your grip to fail. You tensed as the heat increased, surrounding you with a blazing intensity as he carried you bravely through your burning flat. You could feel him heading down the stairs and finally the cool air of the night kissed your skin. More hands grabbed you putting you on a stretcher, asking you questions, shining lights in your sore eyes but you didn’t let go of the firefighter who had pulled you from the building. Your vision swam as he took his mask off, he was talking to someone and then suddenly he was getting in the ambulance with you. Your body started tensing all over as you convulsed on the stretcher and the last thing you heard was a paramedic shouting.

The beeping noise was annoying. It cut through your grogginess waking you up with a start as the sounds of flames roaring echoed in your mind.

‘Hey, it’s ok.’ You turned to the voice beside you as saw a guy, he had a firefighters coat on and his helmet was sat on the table next to you, his face was still dirty with soot and all you could smell was smoke. You tried to speak but you ended up coughing into your mask, you winced at the ache from your chest and you settled back down against the pillows. He cast a look over the screens around you before resting his deep brown eyes on you again. ‘The doctors will be round to talk to you soon, they’re pleased with how well you’re doing considering the amount of smoke exposure you had.’ You found yourself relaxing at the sound of his voice as you gazed at him, this was the man who saved you. You owed him your life. The door opened to your room and some doctors came in, the nurse took some blood and they spouted some information at you but you couldn’t really take it in as you searched for the firefighters for reassurance. He smiled a lopsided smile and nodded slightly letting you know he was still there and you smiled slightly back, hoping he wouldn’t leave anytime soon.

After a few days the hospital released you, the fireman, who’s name you learnt was Poe, he visited as often as he could and now he was picking you up and taking you back to the flat to see if you could salvage anything. He had warned you it wasn’t pretty and he was right. You stood outside the building, your bandaged hand aching just at the sight of the block, black soot was smeared on the brickwork from all the windows and you could see your bedroom window. Poe put a hand on your back as he surveyed the damaged building with you.

‘You don’t have to go in.’ You lent into his touch slightly as you looked at his handsome face. You’d only known him a few days but he had saved your life and was offering emotional support so you weren’t on your own. You didn’t have anyone else really, your parents lived far away, your friends were great but you mostly kept to yourself immersing yourself in work all the time.

‘I need to.’ You walked towards the door, ignoring the panic crawling over your skin making you want to run in the opposite direction. You finally made it to your flat, the smell burnt your nose as you walked around. Smoke, melted plastic and dampness all mingled into a hideous musty aroma that made you feel slightly ill. One look around told you nothing could be saved, your kitchen cupboards hung off the wall in a haphazard way, everything was burnt or smeared with soot and you knew the smell would never come out of whatever you took away. You stopped at the doorway of your bedroom, your bed was just a mass of twisted blackness and you could see the path the flames had taken. The echo of flames made you tense but suddenly Poe was there, his comforting presence washing over you as he closely watched your reaction.

‘Do you have somewhere to stay?’ He asked softly.

‘Er, no. I haven’t really thought about it. I could ask a friend I guess.’ Tears threatened to well up in your eyes and you blinked them away, not wanting to fall apart right now.

‘You’re not going to find anything here, why don’t you come back to my place? I’ve got to go to work soon so you can have the run of my flat.’

‘I barely know you.’ You said and he smiled.

‘True, but I did save your life. The least you could do is cook a meal for me,’ he said with amusement in his tone.

‘Are you being serious? Right now?’

‘Yes, perfectly serious.’ You looked at him as you stood in the ruined tatters of your life and you felt a rush of gratefulness that however roughly he’d been shoved into your life, he’d still been shoved into your life for a reason.

‘Sure. Ok. I need to go shopping though, I need clothes.’

‘Come on,’ he put an arm around your shoulders as he led you out of the burnt flat. ‘I’ll take you shopping.’

*******************

And so the days turned into weeks and Poe had given you his spare room, you had gone back to work as you waited for the insurance money to come in and he had long shifts at the station so you didn’t see each other very often but when you did you’d watch a film and have a home cooked meal. The longer you stayed with him you could feel your affection grown for him, he was good looking, funny, cocky but kind as well. Being with him made you realise how lonely you actually were.

You were standing in the kitchen frying some chicken and peppers, the wraps warming in the oven as you grated the cheese, tonight was fajita night. The door slammed shut announcing his arrival but he didn’t stop and greet you like he usually did. He walked past you without a word and you instantly knew something was wrong, you cleaned your hands off before approaching his bedroom door.

‘Poe?’ You knocked gently but you got no response. ‘Poe? What happened?’ You steeled yourself, feeling bold you opened his door to find him kneeling on the floor, his arms wrapped around him as he tried to keep his emotions in check. He looked up at you a desperate look on his face and you knew today had been a bad day. Without thinking you got down on the floor with him, wrapping your arms around him tightly as he embraced you just as roughly. His entire body shook and the words started tumbling out of him, his voice wavering as still he tried not to cry.

‘I tried, I couldn’t get to her. The fire was too much. I could hear her screaming for me and I couldn’t get to her, I couldn’t get to her,’ a sob finally choked its way out of him and you could feel wetness on your neck as his soft curls brushed against your face.

‘It’s not your fault,’ you whispered as you held him. You looked back at the door painfully aware the frying pan was on. ‘Come into the kitchen with me or dinner will be burnt.’ He got up with you and you noticed as you finished cooking he tried to stay as close to you as possible, a dark haunted look in his eyes as he watched you prepare the food. You led him to the sofa as he looked at the food on the plate but he didn’t pick it up. ‘Poe,’ he looked up at you worrying his bottom lip.

‘Can we, can you….would you sleep with me tonight?’ His eyes widened as he realised what it sounded like and he began to try and stammer his way out of it. ‘I mean...I just… comfort….just hugs….’

‘Poe. Yes I will.’ He sighed with relief and finally he started eating.

You cleared up not letting him help and he stood by the hallway as he waited for you, once you’d turned the dishwasher on he reached for you. His touch tentative as your fingertips brushed his, you studied his face and gently brushed his curls off his forehead.

‘You ready?’ He nodded and tugged you with him leading you to his bedroom. He pulled his top off but left his joggers on as he slipped into bed, you were already in loungewear so you slipped in next to him. Without hesitating he grabbed you, pulling you flush against him as his warm breath fanned over the skin of your neck. You buried your hands in his curls as you sighed softly enjoying the feel of being close to someone. You thought he was asleep at one point until his hand moved lightly down your back and causing you to arch against him. His face pulled away from you and you saw the dark look in his eyes in the dim light, your heart hammered inside your chest as you traced the lines of his face. His hand slid up your arm and traced the line of your neck burying his fingers on your hair. Your body reacted instantly, desire racing through you as the heat of his body melded with yours. His lips pressed gently against you and you couldn’t help but groan into him. The desperate need for comfort took you both over as you striped quickly, coming together in a clash of limbs, unspoken words and heated craving. You took what you needed from each other hard and fast, just lost in the feel of one another until you were both spent finally drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

******************

And so your relationship blossomed, some days it was amazing, until the arguments started. His job took a lot out of him, having lost his own mother in a fire he seemed to have this need to save everyone he came across, more than his colleagues. He would take unnecessary risks, putting his own life on the line more than anyone else everyday. You began to fear you were losing him, and even though you respected what he did and understood why he did it you couldn’t accept the risks he was taking. You had a massive row the worst you’d ever had leaving you crying on the floor as he left for work not coming back until the next day. You stayed up all night going over the argument thinking what you could have said instead, wondering if you were being unreasonable or if he was just a reckless person with no regard for himself. The sun rose warming your legs as you sat rigid on the sofa when the front door opened. He closed it quietly and you turned to see him in his uniform.

‘I couldn’t leave it like that. I’m sorry.’ You nodded and got off the sofa, his eyes watched you wearily as you approached him.

‘I’m sorry too.’ He pulled you into a tight embrace, crushing his lips to you trying to get across how sorry he really was when a radio crackled.

‘Dameron get down here we’ve had a call.’

‘Go, just be careful.’ He smiled at you, that devilish lip sided smile you’d grown to love so much.

‘I promise I’ll be careful because now I have something to live for.’ The door shut behind him, his words still lingering in the air around you.

‘I love you,’ you whispered to the empty room.

*******************

Rain beat down on your umbrella as you stared down at the ground, the echo of your memories tormenting you everyday. You placed a hand on your swollen belly feeling the life stirring inside you as you read the words on the stone before you, your eyes tracing them like they had a million times before. Grief gripped you tightly as tears threatened to fall, it had been 8 months without him by your side. 8 months of coming home to an empty flat. 8 months of crying yourself to sleep as you hugged his favourite clothes. And now a whole new chapter of your life yawned before you with promises of life and giggles, tiny hands and feet gripping your clothes and a little person loving you with their whole heart. But you had to do it alone.

‘I miss you Poe,’ your voice cracked as you put a hand on the headstone wishing with all your might he was still here at your side. You hated leaving him alone in the cold ground and you swore your child would know what a brave man her father was.

He’d never be forgotten.

[ntamain]

Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she's gay?

another gay gem from the r/relationship reddit

Update:

Image ID under the cut, please let me know if I did it wrong!

[Image ID: four screenshots of a post from the relationship subreddit by tumblr user nta-main. The title reads “Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she’s gay?”

The text reads “Update post is now locked, I cant believe so many people were interested in us!! Thank you again for your support, comments and messages.

Hi all, I can't believe I'm asking for advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet but I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. Sorry for the incoming essay but I guess I need to give history. I bought my first house in September last year, It was an odd time but everything just fell into place. It's quite a small village and everyone is really friendly so I got to know my neighbours soon after moving in - yes, socially distanced. Then I met my over-the-road neighbour, let's call her Elle. I can't describe it but it's the first time I've ever met someone and been lost for words and my heart was racing and just thought "omg", y'know?? So after I blushed my way through a welcome to the village type convo we only saw each other for a wave and hello for a few days.

To help kinda settle in I had my dog (Bea) with me for the first few weeks. During this time there was a massive increase in dog thefts in a nearby town, not just from gardens but literally wrestled away from people. If I'd have been working (furloughed off and on since March) then I would've taken Bea back to mum's but since I was home with her all day she stayed. So the local police advised to not walk dogs alone but we go out twice a day, a 10k run in the morning and a few miles walk in the evening. So obvs this scares me, but at the same time she is honestly a pain in the arse and gets upset if she doesn't go for a run and needs to be tired out so I'm kind of stuck at this point. Then along comes Elle. She knocked on the door and offered to come with us as she'd seen Bea and me in the evenings and everything kind of spiralled from there. I told her about my morning runs but she didn't really bite so I thought nothing of it. Then a few days later I bumped into her on a run, so she started joining us on those too.

A few months later and we are spending more and more time together everyday. It has now progressed to a run early morning, afternoon coffee, dinner most evenings and then the evening walk. It just seemed to happen without me really noticing. I didn't read into things that much as I don't want to get my hopes up and ruin anything until another neighbour commented about how much time we spend together and how "it's nice to see you young gals getting on" and winked. She actually winked at me. I asked her what she meant but she just laughed and said "you know what I mean". So now I'm looking back on things and wondering if she could like me too?

Here's some reasons why she might like me:

I went running along the same route at the same time for nearly 2 weeks before I happened to run into her a few days after I told her this?

I make her a coffee every afternoon (Elle is WFH) and take it over in her fave mug. She says I make good coffee but I'm pretty sure I saw a fancy coffee machine the first time I went round (it's not there now?).

Elle carried on running and walking with me even after Bea went home. I told her she was going back to mum's and she said well "I'll have to make another excuse to join you" and then we just carried on everyday.

She has tried really hard to bond with Bea. Bea is a very anxious dog and is scared of everyone except me and mum. Elle bought special treats to give her everyday and has been so amazing with her and never tried to force anything. When I asked her she said "it's important to me that she likes me and is comfortable". Bea actually fell asleep between us on the sofa yesterday and It just makes my heart skip a beat guys.

She invited me to the zoom quiz she does with her friends every fortnight or so and they were all like "oh so this is who we've heard so much about "

We realised we had become each other's support bubble. Elle asked if I was meeting anyone else and I said no, she said she was glad she had me all to herself (!!)

We gave each other quite personal xmas presents. Like, it actually made me tear up it meant so much to me. And she bought stuff for Bea!!

Reasons why she might not like me:

All the reasons above, but that she's just doing them because she's a fucking great person and we're friends?

It might sound dumb but idk I need your help guys. She is the just the most incredible person I have ever met and I really really like her but if she isn't gay or doesn't feel the same I don't want to lose her friendship as she has become such a huge part of my life. I genuinely have no experience with these kind of things as I went to quite a strict all girls school, so it's not as if there were any relationships around me as a teen and then I went to a very small uni (8 of us on my course). I guess another reason is that I've struggled with anxiety and depression for the past 10 years, as well as my weight and working on my self confidence, but I can say that right now I am the happiest and healthiest (both mentally and physically) I have ever been. I've only just really become comfortable with the fact that I'm gay and I have never really told anyone in real life, but I don't think people would be too surprised lol. I don't have any close friends as no one stuck around when I was really struggling with my MH a few years ago so I can't discuss this with anyone irl.

So I need your advice : how do I find out if she is gay? And no, I don't have the confidence to just ask!! What if she says no and I ruin everything? She has never mentioned anything about past relationships and I'm pretty tactless so not sure how I could naturally slip it into the convo. Like, "hey tell me have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you want one now?" Lol. And how can I make a move without really making a move so I don't ruin things??

tl;dr : Don't know whether my neighbour is gay and into me or is just really friendly. How can I make a move without ruining our friendship?

Edit: Ok guys, thank you so so much for all your support and encouragement. You've all given me a lot to think about. I think I'm going to casually slip some gay stuff into conversation and see how she reacts. Then bring up the neighbours comment like some of you suggested, seeing as tho the neighbour was heavily implying that we're gay. I'll do it tonight otherwise I'll talk myself out of it again. I will post an update to let you know what happens (eek). If you never hear from me again assume it went badly and I am consoling myself with cake and watching brokeback mountain in floods of tears.

Hi reddit, yes it's me the useless lesbian. First off I want to thank you all for your support, encouragement and advice - and the undeserved awards! I never expected this many of you to take the time to comment and that so many of you were rooting for us.

So I had the plan to drop these gay hints into convo like you guys suggested but honestly it all went out the window. Elle was kinda stressed friday after a shitty work zoom and just needed to vent so it wasnt the right time to start anything. Though I guess I must have been a bit off thanks to spending all day overthinking things on here, as Elle turned up Saturday morning rambling about stressing me out and apologised (!!) for ruining dinner. Obvs I said "what are you talking about you can talk to me about anything", and she said "anything?" and I said "anything" back. And guys the tension was unreal, staring at each other and hoping our lesbian mind reading powers would kick in.

Then there was some loud noise like a car backfiring or something and the moment went. So I went to make coffee and then Elle asked me why I was a bit quiet the night before and I said something about overthinking stuff and she said "what stuff" and idk you guys I wasnt prepared to be put on the spot my casual gay pop culture references were useless in this moment. My mind just went completely blank and I forgot every single thing you guys suggested and my heart was pounding and I just blurted out you know I like you, right?.

...And then she kissed me. Kissed me. We straight up just snogged in the kitchen and it was fucking great. So...you were right. You were all fucking right. She's gay, she likes me and has been trying to drop hints for nearly 5 months. sigh

We were both just too scared to make a move or ruin anything. Turns out she's been burned by straight girls in the past, so she's pretty wary and was hoping I'd straight up say I'm a lesbian so she'd know for sure - maybe the I'm a lesbian wall hanging would've been a good idea after all? Her friends have been helping her drop hints, she showed me the group chat and guys their suggestions ranged from flirting more to just turning up in a trenchcoat and nothing else lol. Also, the winking neighbour has been making comments to her as well, so shout out to her for trying to make this happen too.

So no cake and cry watching brokeback mountain, just 5 months of dating to catch up on. As for worrying about how our current schedule could be more date like during lockdown, you were right it's kinda irrelevant when you've essentially been dating the whole time. Though we never made it to our morning run yesterday, in fact we didn't leave the house at all, ha.

Thank you guys for giving me hope, even if all your suggestions completely disappeared in the moment. Maybe I'll show her the post later and ask if any of the suggestions would have worked.

tl;dr: she's gay, into me and I'm an idiot”

End image ID]

[tonya-the-chicken]

I’m not going to change your views but it does feel a bit dismissive when you say it wasn’t that bad because he had rich parents who neglected him but hey they got a maid for him and he probably wasn’t outcasted or bullied so hey it’s not that bad right 🤷‍♀️! I don’t know he definitely didn’t have the worse out of the villains but I don’t know it felt a bit dismissive is all. Although we need to all remember these are fictional characters so have no idea why the other anon needed to get so aggressive! Also the person in the notes I don’t know how to say it but uh the whole the Todoroki’s had a rich father they didn’t have to work a day in their life take is not a good look. Just because someone has parents with money it doesn’t derail the fact that neglect can cause trauma.

Anyways for the real reason I sent this, you wonder why Dabi is so insane. Well take into account the neglect alongside the fact that he burnt to near death up on that hill alone at the age of what 13? That’s got to be extra traumatising, especially for a child that was already not mentally ok. We also don’t know what his circumstances were like after that fire, like was he homeless? Or picked up by someone nefarious? Kind of like AFO(not him exactly but someone nasty) who maybe fed on his brewing anger and hate instead of positive healing. I’m sure we will find out at some point? I don’t think it was just what happened in the Todoroki household or the fire that broke his mind? There had to be other factors after the fire after his “death”!

[[WARNING!!! I love Dabi as a character but I am not a woobifier so if you are too much into him don't read!!!! No complaints taken, y'all will be blocked for being rude I am too old to deal with people unable to interact with me in good faith (anon it's not for you, you are good and I can't understand your point of view I am just not as good as a person and too old for that shit)]]

I don't think I will change my mind either but I feel like the belief that every trauma is equally bad is just... Simply wrong. Like, we can legit compare this stuff and how badly it affects our brain, what do y'all think psychologists research 🤷‍♀️ Like, your therapist won't tell you this because it's not their job to make you understand you not the centre of the Earth (and it won't help because it is a legit trauma response that is very valid but is annoying you're fucking 25 yo). And to say that, neglectful parenthood is probably the worst parenthood style, as far as I know XD I wrote coursework about this (neglectful bitches are having a lot of need to make us the biggest victims (the bitches is me))... It also feels really American to me? Like, are we going to pretend people who got to live in a nice house and were neglect somehow got it as bad as people living in poverty or warzones? Hello? Imagine telling some orphan "I know you have no parents but actually, my trauma of my father not spending enough time with me is just as severe as yours". Bruh couldn't be me sorry... Like, even taking into account the fact that we can have weaker or stronger nervous systems or be more prone to depressive episodes *looks in the mirror and cries* I simply wouldn't find the guts to say my trauma is as severe as idk people who had physically abusive parents or no parents at all or who were disowned for being gay

And like **again** I am not saying that neglect is not traumatic I WAS NEGLECTED THIS IS TRAUMATIZING AS FUCK. I just am living in a country at war and with lots of discrimination problems and I like... Can't say I am the biggest victim. Sorry I can't though there were times when I was a lot more bitchy especially before being in therapy so I understand where you are coming from and I know what I am saying won't resonate with everyone (it's ok go on your own healing journey I believe in you) but this doesn't mean it is garbage and won't help me or someone else... I've already talked once about it but as a person, I am very easily irritated and envious and really not your local Jesus and partially my trauma turned me like this so being more humble about my sufferings helps me not be a complete bitch (believe me or not but people with traumas and mental illnesses are often insufferable *looks in the mirror* not me though I am perfect... BUT IT IS OK TO BE INSUFFERABLE OK??? like, bitch, that's normal. That's normal to stink when you are depressed it's ok to be a bitch when you are hurting. Forgive yourself because I forgive you (when you are not being an abusive asshole but if you apologize and explain yourself I will forgive that too)

The reason why I talk about the fact he is rich is that I've got a disease called leftism and I am a person of several marginalized identities and since this fandom LOVES looking at characters like real humans, I looked at Dabi this way. And if Dabi was a real human, I wouldn't sympathize with him one bit. I would fucking hate him for being the biggest entitled asshole who commits crimes for the reason his Daddy didn't give him attention. Bitch, my Dad didn't give me attention either! But somehow I don't kill people! And I don't even have money!!!! But like... I am not denying that neglectful parents are not a problem. It is. But he is overreacting, bro. He needs to humble down and recognize the fact he is a fucking idiot (he is). He has inherently so much more resources to recover and heal himself than I had... Yes, I am just being jealous at this point but honestly. Making an entire country suffer for you is not a good thing and y'all need to stop using trauma and mental illness as an excuse for people. No! Being abusive to people because of neglect is not valid, is overreacting and you had no reason to do that. I am dismissing your trauma because you are exaggerating it to make me sympathize with your asshole behaviour. I won't judge people with different sets of standards as I judge myself

I bet it would be dismissive and bad if I said it in conversation with someone who is currently struggling with mental health and is not a murderer. But guess what! I don't talk with humans and my friends the same way I talk on my Tumblr about fictional characters 🤷‍♀️ Not to mention I don't have rich friends akabsksbxm

I think with Dabi there's this whole thing where we saw him at 14 (poor baby boy) and 24 (a grown-ass boy) and... Like, I am so sorry for 14 years old Touya not receiving the help he needs (bruh so relatable) but I am not gonna act like 24 years old bitch can't get his ass to a psychiatrist (extremely unrelatable and infuriating). We shouldn't apply the same standards to kids and adults. We can talk all day long about how society is bad and how our parents ruined us but at some points, you gotta take your life into your own hands and do something and be an adult. And it's fucking hard when you're born with a shitty brain that was fucked up by your parents even more in a society where no one gives a fuck but I sincerely don't know another way to live. You will feel bad and want to die but you either keep on recovering or keep on getting worse and at this point getting worse is Dabi's *choice* That's how I live, that's my framework and I am, of course, extremely fortunate in a lot of ways but I just don't know how are you supposed to survive without the notion that grown people are responsible for themselves and their mental health. We can't act like adults are babies

But as a character, Dabi is fucking hot ngl. Like, do I sometimes want to murder my entire family, make them suffer AND commit terrorist attacks? We all do. Dabi is the dark fantasy of us neglectful bitches craving some attention. Gotta kill the president and tell everyone that my Dad sucks. Imagine the entire country hearing your Dad sucks? That's the juice, that's the dream. Trauma makes you vicious. I get the sentiment. Imagine all those fuckers who made you feel like shit pissing their pants and crying? Imagine your Mom being afraid of you the way you used to be afraid of her? People do have the desire for some violent justice but like... Think of bullied kids committing school shootings. But instead of a kid, it's a grown man who graduated school and who also have a rich father

Ok too much about irl stuff and philosophy shit. I know my way of talking is kinda brute so just know the way I treat people is different from that I treat fictional characters, in particular, I don't call real-life humans submissive and breedable... And stuff...

Damn Dabi is kinda good to project your hatred of your parents in bruh, I should write a fanfic about that (would be cathartic)

To the plotline, I am also very interested in what the hell happened with him after burning because... How the hell he wasn't found? I kind of DON'T want him to be groomed at this point because I feel like it won't be as cool as him just more naturally evolving into what he became. Like, surely, he is an asshole but consider this: as a villain, he is morally obligated to be an asshole

I feel like someone hiding him and Touya overstating the gruesomeness of his living conditions to the dude so he feels *bad* for him and hides him and feels sympathy and Touya gets attention but also begins to reassure himself in the fact his Dad needs to be punished... Idk it's a lot of mystery but I feel like more suffering won't deliver the point the way I want it... I mean it CAN be handled this way and initially I thought a lot about Dabi being brainwashed a bit or having his memories altered so it seems worse to him or even him being groomed or lied too but nowadays I am not into it. I mean I believe in Horikoshi and that he will handle him well 🛐

I talk a lot so I will summarize

If we judge him as a real human

14 yo Touya - DID NOTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE PROTECT HIM

24 yo Dabi - go fuck yourself bitch you older than me and act like a child and kill people, I couldn't care less about your trauma rich boy

If you want me to talk as his psychologist

Yeah, it is painful and sad, I understand him so much and surely, his trauma is valid as is his hatred but probably revenge won't bring him what he wants. And what he wants is love and attention. But he gotta make choices that will lead to his healing. He needs to *want* to heal. And we will step by step go to the healing because it is possible. He is loved and he is enough. AND YOU ALL MOTHERFUCKERS WILL HEAL I BELIEVE IN YOU BESTIES

Also his therapist (behind his back)

You won't believe it but my client is the most infantile attention whore I've ever met

But if we talk about him as a character... Very delicious soup

If you talk with your friends

Please, if your friends are being abusive to you or someone else don't even LET them say how their trauma made them this way. No. Nothing allows you to be an abuser. Call them out and stop them and make them talk to the therapist. Like, surely, there are extreme situations like severe mental illnesses or extreme neglect where we should be more forgiving but babying adults won't do you any good and won't make them recover

Yeah, I guess this is what I forgot to say. When I say "it wasn't that bad" what I mean is that I would be more forgiving to people who had it worse. It's more of a personal measure where I can tolerate stuff from people who had particular traumas or from those who suffered greatly (it's not my place to be a bitch here). I can forgive 14 years old or a poor person for stealing stuff but not the 25-year-old man who got no need for money and is not a kleptomaniac. I would be more forgiving to Shigaraki than to Dabi because Shigaraki was groomed a whole lot. Same for Toga, who is not even an adult or Twice who is a poor orphan. But that doesn't mean I would forgive them completely. All of them are shitty people. It's just that they had fewer resources and possibilities to not be what they became while Dabi had more but he acts like he is extremely hurt and the biggest victim which is like... There will be people like this in your life, please, don't make friends with them, they WILL abuse you

I talked a lot damn. It's adhd I can't shut up

[fan-fic-writer]

Pinky Promise | Aone x Reader | Part 2

!!!!Trigger warning!!!! This chapter has several mentions of depression, self-harm, and bullying!!! If any of that makes you uncomfortable or is a trigger for you, please do not read this chapter!! I put a warning before the self-harm mention, but the bullying and (implied) depression is mentioned several times throughout this chapter. My DMs are always open if you need someone to talk to, I will always support you guys, no matter what!!!!!

~

~

You know what they say, a pinky promise can never be broken.

Middle school was never easy, no matter who you were. Your middle school years are when you get the meanest and you lose friends and make friends that would last forever. You would know because you had lost the one friend you needed most when your parents sent you to a private middle school in an attempt to make friends other than Takanobu. It’s not like they didn’t like him, in fact, they saw him as a fourth child(probably a good time to mention that you do have an older brother and a younger brother). They just wanted you to make other friends, so you weren’t so reliant on the gentle giant.

“Welcome back,” your homeroom teacher for your final year stood at the front of the room, “I am Takashi Ito, you will call me Mr. Ito or sensei. This is your final year here and Dobutsu Academy, and I won’t be going easy on you because of it. Now how about everyone introduces themselves. No volunteers, I guess I’ll have to call on someone.” The teacher looked around the class as students avoided eye contact, but you weren’t able to dodge his piercing gaze fast enough as you made eye contact, “You, with the h/c hair,” you pointed to yourself in a silent question, “Yes you. Now stand up and give us your name and an interesting fact about yourself.”

You could feel the eyes of everyone glued onto you even as you keep your head down. You tugged at the sleeves of your uniform as you slowly stood up, “U-uh, m-my name is Y/N L/N a-and I don’t h-have an interesting fact about m-myself…” Your voice was just loud enough for everyone to hear you. You could feel your face heat up, feeling the eyes of your classmates burned into your body.

“Everyone has an interesting fact about themselves, you have no reason to not share like the rest of the class will. So I’m sure you’ll be able to think of something.” the smile on his face contradicted the assertive look in his eyes, “Quickly now, don’t keep us waiting.”

You got more self cautious as you tried to come up with something when something popped into your head, “I, uh… I-I’m fluent in sign language, I have a friend who is a selective mute, so we learned it when we were younger…” your voice trails off, getting quieter as you answered. I shouldn’t have added the part about Nobu. I overshared. Oh god, they’re going to think I’m stupid or something! You silently panicked.

“Now that wasn’t too hard was it. I would love to see you apply that skill during class, maybe starting a club? You may sit down.” You immediately dropped to your chair, fiddling with the sleeves of your uniform again, “Alright, who would like to go next- black hair, glasses seat three of row three. Since you thought having a conversation with your neighbor was more important than whatever I have to say, how about you go next. Just like Ms. L/N.”

That’s what most of homeroom was like, classmates introducing themselves and talking amongst the already established friend groups. You on the other hand sat in the back of the class, book in hand, peacefully reading while the noise only got louder and louder. Your ears were used to silence, that’s what came with being friends with Takanobu, the comfortable quiet. You’d think you would be used to this much noise from having brothers and being in noisy classrooms for most of the day, but every time you would get used to it, the quiet time you would spend with the silent boy would bring you back to that comfortable quiet, making you start at square one.

You stood up, the noise finally being too much to handle you made your way to the front of the class, towards the teacher’s desk, “S-sir. C-can I sit in the hallway for the rest of class?” you nervously fiddled with the hem of your skirt as you asked Mr. Ito to leave the room.

“And why would you need to leave the room? Everyone is enjoying themselves talking, but you’re sitting with your face in a book. Do you simply wish to leave so you can read your book without distraction? Talk to someone, make a friend, Ms. L/N.” The man responded, typing away at his computer.

“M-my ears are sensitive to loud noise sir. I don’t come from a very loud home or friend group so loud noises tend to overwhelm me, m-may I please sit out in the hallway?” Sure, having brothers can be loud, but when one is four years older than you, and the other is twelve years younger than you, it doesn’t tend to get very crazy at home.

Letting out a sigh, the man scribbles something on a piece of paper, probably a note in case a teacher sees me in the hallway. He handed you the slip of paper and nodded at the door to the classroom as a silent go-ahead, “Be back in here before class ends,” was all he said before he went back to typing on his computer.

~~~~~~~~

That’s when the bullying started. 

Your classmates saw how you would leave the class whenever the room got loud and how you kept to yourself. They called you a freak, an outcast. They took one look at your speckled face and called you a freak, commenting on how it looked like acne or dirt. It happened, every single year since you started middle school. You would think that you could finally relax, reset, and make some friends, but they crushed any chance of that.

There was a pair of classmates that would always end up in your class. They would be the first to comment on your behavior or looks, sometimes both. But that wasn’t the worst of it all. Last year, they found out about Takanobu, which shouldn’t seem so bad, until they started spreading rumors about the two of you. Maybe it was how they saw you act with him, or how they saw the difference in size since he hit his growth spurt that year. Or maybe it was just because they hated you.

It was probably the scene they saw you two in, you talking about your day, hands smoothly signing along with your words, a big smile covering your face as you walked to the old park with your baby brother on Takanobu’s shoulders. His face was stoic as always, but you could just barely see the way his lips curled upwards in the slightest bit, if you didn’t know him as well as you knew yourself, you would’ve missed it. That was when the pair decided to follow you, seeing if they could get any dirt on you. They watched from afar as the tall boy carefully put your brother in the baby swing, gently pushing him so that he was rocking back and forth in the seat. They noticed the light pink blush that dusted your cheeks and how you were so much more, alive, with him than in school. After watching you two play with your brother more they concluded that you had to be in a relationship. But there was no way that Takanobu was in middle school, he’s too big, being 5’11 in middle school isn’t very normal.

When you reached school after the weekend ended, you could feel the stares that people were giving, you could hear them whispering to each other, but you couldn’t tell what they were whispering about, but you knew it was about you. You got notes in your school locker, calling you a tramp, a skank, and you couldn’t figure out why. It got to the point where you started believing what they said, you hated the way your freckles covered your face and body, you hated how you couldn’t stand loud places, you hated how you never made eye contact with anyone. You came to hate, you.

!!!Trigger warning: Self-harm and depression!!!

That’s when the cutting started, it was the only way you could cope with the weight that feels heavy on your shoulders, with each slice of the blade you turned that emotional pain into physical pain. You could bear that pain because it would fade away, it wouldn’t come back and keep you awake every night, thinking about how you could’ve done better, how you could’ve been more than you are now. It didn’t stop at your wrists and forearms, when you saw it useless to mark them up anymore, you moved to your legs, painting the bathtub red as the blade danced across your once clean skin. It was the reason you always had long sleeves on, leggings under your skirt.

This continued on until you were called into the principal's office almost halfway through your final year.

Are my grades falling? I swear I still had all A’s. What if they found out about the cutting. They’d tell mom and dad. Then mom would tell nii-san, nii-san would tell Nobu… You panicked at the thought of your best friend finding out about what you did to yourself as you walked to the principal’s office. You could feel your hands get clammy as you clenched them into fists at your side, you could feel the beads of sweat starting to form as you kept your gaze low. But you snapped out of your thoughts as you reached the office door, knocking on the door. After hearing a muffled, “come in,” you slid open the door, stepping inside.

“Y-you called me down sir?” you raised your gaze to look at the principal's desk, avoiding eye contact, “May I-I know why s-sir?”

You could feel his gaze on you as he cleared his throat, “Please have a seat Ms. L/N, I have a few questions to ask you if that’s ok.” he motioned to the chairs in front of his desk. You nodded, taking a seat, waiting for him to continue. “I have just been informed about a rumor about you that was spread early last year, are you aware of said rumor Ms. L/N?” 

Of course, you were aware, everybody has been talking about you behind their backs since last year, “Yes, I was aware there was a rumor spread about me, I don’t know what the rumor is though. I wasn’t able to figure it out, I assume that you know what the rumor was?” you fiddled with the hem of your skirt, anxious to finally find out what the school has been saying behind your back.

“There was a rumor that you were in a relationship with a high school second year. When I asked several students who started the rumor and I spoke with who had started it, they said that they saw you with said high schooler and an infant at Shiketsu park, saying that said infant was yours.” He paused to push his glasses up, “Is any of this true, Ms. L/N?”

Boyfriend? In high school? A child? The only infant I know is…- “N-none of that is true, I swear. The ‘high schooler’ they described is my best friend from elementary school, Aone Takanobu. He hit a growth spurt last year and got really tall, not to mention how broad his shoulders got. He goes to a public middle school, Gakuen Middle. You can contact the school to verify. The infant they saw was my baby brother, having an older and a younger brother should be on my student record.” you did your best to explain the situation to the principal, “I’m sure that they just got confused when they saw how, well, uh- big, Nobu is.” 

“I will check with Gakuen Middle and look at your student record to confirm your statements, but I do trust what you’ve said.” he quickly typed something into his computer, “Now, with that cleared up, I have a few more questions for you.” The man pulled a few papers out of a desk drawer, “Your current and past homeroom teachers have noticed that you started to only wear long sleeves and leggings, even during the summer, a few months after the rumor was said to be started. Can you verify that for me?”

You froze at the mention of long sleeves, He’s gonna ask to see my arms. No no no no no! “Y-yes sir, that is correct. They help me with my body dysmorphia, sir, it was getting bad last year, I guess I never went back to not having them on..” You let the lie slip off your tongue before you could think.

“Then would you mind if I asked you to pull up your sleeves, Ms. L/N? Here at Dobotsu Academy, not only care about academics, but we care about your mental state as well. So I will ask you again, will you please roll up your sleeves. " He saw through your lie easily, so much for that excuse. 

You sat, frozen in your seat. If he saw the scars on your wrist, some new, some old, he would tell your parents. If he told your parents they would take you out of public school for good, which means you wouldn’t get to go to high school with Takanobu. You would break your promise. You couldn’t break that promise, “Sir, I find this unnecessary. May I please return to class.” you said weakly.

With a sigh the man nodded, “Very well, if I hear that you are harming yourself in any way, I will have no choice but to tell your parents.” he paused, pushing his glasses up, “You may return to your class.”

You jumped out of your seat, bowing and muttering a thank you, before leaving the room. There was no way in hell that you were going to let your parents find out. Quickly walking through the halls of the school, you tried to get to your classroom before people noticed you walking through the halls.

~ ~ ~ ~

❤︎ Taglist❤︎:   @bnha-butterfly,  @kuroolongtea, @tinynarutobookmark

A/N - Thank you guys for waiting!! This chapter was going to be longer, but I didn’t want to keep you all waiting!! I really hope you liked this chapter!! Please remember, my DMs are always open if you need to talk to someone!! Please send me a message if you are feeling depressed or suicidal. I may not be able to help much, but I’m always here to support you!!! ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎

[marlasomething]

The Line Is Erased: Day 30 - Don’ t Panic, Don’t Jump Ship

Hello there! This is the first time I write a RQG fic and it’s going to be…rusty (NO IT’S NOT A PUN). Since I don’t want to be depressing AF and I FUCKING KNOW MYSELF, I am going to choose to write from outsider’s PoV, with a teeny tiny group of characters that just happen to be around on the background.

Also, after writing the first one I realised how much this podcast motivates me to keep saying “yes” to my friends’ campaigns and that is always a good choice for many reasons, so this is homage to all of us, people playing as our always very particular characters and suffering because of dices and masters!

So…that is that.

Here is my contribution for Day 165: The Vengeance and the Northern Wastes + Mortality, prompts given by @the-line-is-erased on Tumblr.

Episode that covers at least one of the prompts relistened to do this: Ep.165. Preparing for tomorrow (YOU KNOW? THE DAY THAT DOESN’T EXIST) and also bcs I just had some shitty conversations (yeah, in plural) with my mother…this is just easter eggs with the silly premise of my original characters as stowaways in The Vengeance. Got a bit intense, but not in a very profound way.

Do forgive me for any possible screw-ups (as well as for my quick tipper, non-native speaker writer).

Allons-y!

TW: discussions of death.

The ticking above them was getting too annoying. Nym wasn’t a violent person (a nervous one, sure thing, but she wasn’t usually the one with an urge to destroy things). However, at the moment, she was about to sneak out of the undetectable hideout artificially created by Tara and Agnes and destroy whatever thing was causing the ticking.

Before she could do anything, though, some voices and steps came in and some of the people that were actually flying on the ship started a conversation that (for, she guessed, egotistic and artistic reasons) Yorick wasted a spell on hide their voices, so only them could hear what was being said, while they took notes of whatever they were speaking about (as if any of their companions was going to steal any of the ideas they stole to wrote their songs).

At some point, they added an enthusiastic “go for it, girl” without providing any context.

Nym sighed and, as she turned to Vincent, she realised the ghost was clearly shaking.

“Vincent, what is wrong?”

“Someone is going to die. Well, more like someones…painting might help me relax” she gestured as if she was going to tap his shoulder.

“I promised, alright? You will paint again, after the whole mission is completed, we’ll find a way to make you corporeal…at least, from time to time.”

“If you do that, my whole being will start to slowly deteriorate…”

“I know. But, letting go is something we all have to learn to do, right?”

“You’ve grown.”

“Got help. And I want to think it is mutual” he nodded.

“Yes, I am in no rush to burn all my corporeal time. There are things I want to live before…” a bell starting ringing.

“Oh no” the whole group went, almost at unison.

Well, not exactly all the group.

“Where the fuck is Saulis?!”

“Saulis, tell me I am wrong about where you were while this took place.”

“I mean, we hadn’t interacted on screen time; right?”

“Jesus…”

“What?! This wasn’t going to be a Nym exclusive thing.”

“Her in-real-life-person is not from the canon!”

“Sorry, Master, will not change it.”

“I will make you pay…”

“Ok, apparently we are surrounded by gigantic skeletons. Quite the view.”

“Where were you?”

“Making acquaintances with the Capi. Nice lady (well, maybe not the best description but still…). Don’t worry, nobody saw, nor hear us. I know a sound proof spell, remember?”

Nym almost murdered him on the spot.

“We have enough with controlling Agnes’ mutant platypus. The thing apparently wants to befriend those bloody kobolds.”

“The thing is a he and it’s called Dryas, thank you very much.”

Nym sighed and let herself fall next to Vincent again. It was going to be a very long trip.

She wished that, at least, whoever was going to die was not part of her team. As much as they annoyed her, they were the people she had chosen and she might even at some point start to care about them.

And hadn’t stopped since.

                                                -----------------------

Extra notes for flavour: “OG” Saulis is gay, “RQG-universe” Saulis is bi. Just so you know.

The title of the story is from the song “30/90” from “Tick, Tick…Boom!” Musical composed and about the life of the great, talented, sadly deceased Jonathan Larson (also, now my new favourite MOVIE EVER). I thought the lyrics could match what I was partially going from plus the name of the musical itself).

As usual, likes/kudos (depending if you are reading this on Tumblr or AO3), feedback and random comments ARE SO HIGHLY APPRECIATED.

                                                    -----------------

Also, thanks to the TMA discord channel that posted this prompts! You are lovely, gracias!

Now also live on AO3.

Long life and prosperity,

Marla

[marina-roslinka]

This is my first time writing something like this, so it's a little bit sht, but I'm posting it anyway since I promised it to you guys. 

Michael, Trevor, and my rant.

The first thing I want to say about those characters is that I believe they meant to be together, they cannot exist without each other. Yes, I know it sounds like cheesy line from romantic novel. But before you roll your eyes, let me explain.

Let’s remember their signature colors: blue and orange. You see, I think they play a big part in understanding them as individuals and as a relationship and their dynamics. You can read about the color analysis here if you like to.

I personally want to look at it from a little different perspective. To be more precise about elements Fire and Water: Trevor represents fire and Michael is water of course.

Those two men have a different understanding of what life is supposed to be and what it means to be alive. Trevor being a fire element is always trying to rile up Michael, making him angry and emotional like himself.

Michael on the other hand obviously thinks that Trevor is too much, that he needs to calm down and too bright, too hot, that eventually, he will burn not only himself but also everyone else around.

We see examples of that a few times throughout the game. For example when he tried to convince Trevor to change his current lifestyle and “grow up” and it’s not good for him.

“M: Alright man, here we go. Tough love time. T: I'll take it tough, I'll take it sissy, I'll take it any way you're giving it. M: When you gonna get it together, bro? Most guys as they get older, they pull their foot off the gas. T: You always did like to judge people. M: I ain't judging, I'm trying to help. T: Help with what? You think I need help 'cause my lifestyle is worse than everyone elses? M: The speed, the horniness, the killings. T: You kill, and you satisfy your urges - only you think you're above everything. Tough love time! M: Fine. Fine! You think what you like. But you know I care, and you know I tried.”

Going back to the whole "They can't exist without each other" thing.

Why?

Too much fire you will burn. Too much cold, you will freeze. This is the exact reason why I think that they need each other. To create a balance. Again, you can clearly see this in the story. Michael is depressed, sad and bored out of his mind by the pool.

Trevor is crazier than ever with no direction and no purpose. Just pure chaos.

“T: Mas o menos. Michael didn’t have a nerve back then. I didn’t have a direction”

It’s obviously not perfect since they both are fucked up people.

You can describe Michael's attitude towards Trevor with the same example. You can love fire for numerous reasons, right? You can look at and feel calm, feel warm or maybe it helps you to reflect on yourself. However, fire is also very dangerous. It can be unpredictable. One spark can light the fire and it may not even possible to stop it.

But Michael is able to.

Throughout the game Michael said and done things that made Trevor very angry. Like, other people would have been dead angry. He can make him change his mind or even stop him from killing someone. Because, as I said, he represents water.

This is why I believe that Michael’s fear of Trevor is not usual. He is afraid of those big sparks that out of his control like when he betrayed him for example. He was afraid Trevor would find him and kill him. Part of him believes he deserves it because of all the guilt. Trevor is the face of karma and he came back to collect the debt.

However, thirty seconds in the car since they left the house he felt that everything is ok and that he is not in any danger so he had no problem with insulting and overall being an asshole to Trevor right away.

Unfortunately things not that easy and simple as always. They can be good for each other just as bad. Fire can be dangerous to water and water can be dangerous to fire. (This is why Trevor doesn’t like to take showers xD) It reminds me of all those scenes when they get angry at each other, but stepping away so they won’t hurt one other.

I am going to leave Fire/Water here, just keep it in mind for the rest of analysis or whatever this is. I’ve never done it :D

Now for the ultimate question. Do I think they love each other or they hate each other?

Well… Just as their history together it's complicated.

The very moment Trevor pulled the trigger of his flare gun with no hesitation, Michael definitely knew that Trevor is a dangerous person. Then he definitely knew Trevor has serious mental issues.

Why did he stick with Trevor before and even after? Well, the most obvious answer is that he just cares about him. They instantly clicked together or as Lamar said “Love at first sight”.

The other thing that played a part in Michael’s affection at the start is that Trevor is like a shining loud toy for Michael's brain. I see M as someone who grasps at every opportunity to experience intense emotions. Trevor is like a walking time bomb that won’t explode around you. It also perhaps made Michael feel special. It’s not healthy but happens to people nonetheless.

I believe that Michael does love Trevor, but he also hates the things that he does and Michael hates himself for still loving someone like Trevor.

“Why do I love him why do I care for him, I'm not supposed to. He is a horrible person. He is a monster. What is wrong with me?”

The other thing is very common for people to have desire to help another person who's hurting. No matter how much messed up they are we still can feel sorry and I'm sure Michael felt the same and still feels the same. This also leads to his frustration about Trevor.

“Why can't you be normal? I had a hard childhood but I didn't turn out that bad”

He’s also repressing his feelings because of internalized homophobia. In addition, it's just frustration on top of frustration on and on.

Michael hates himself for many things he's done. When Trevor came back he got so overwhelmed that all of this just start boiling inside of him. And when you can handle it he just surrenders to the common emotion – anger.

(It seems to me that fans expect Michael to figure out why Trevor is doing this, why he says that what real feelings are behind the words and actions. You know, be the wise one. )

At first glance it may seem that Michael does not care about T and I can see why. Since the game does it like we see Trevor as the one who tells the truth and Michael as the one who lies. Especially on the first playthrough you can easily fall for this little manipulation. Because of this we perceive Michael as a liar. I mean, yeah, he uses lies as a defense mechanism. Therefore, it’s natural for us (and Trevor) not to believe him when he said “I care. I missed you”.

Trevor is a liar too. Yes, I know, shocker.

The most common thing I see people say about Trevor is that he is a loyal person. All because of this rule about “brothers”. Nope. Maybe he likes to say that, but in reality he is not.

Take Brad as an example. Bless him.

Trevor talked about how he planned to stop working with Michael, but pushed him away because he thought he would leave him. If you hang out with Lamar, T admits he was literally going to kill Brad. Not like Michael of course. He wasn’t gonna stab him in the back. Just stab him in the face I guess.

Trevor didn't kill Michael, not because of some creed. It’s just because he still loves him and cares about him. In the core of everything it’s just love.

Trevor is obviously a dick to Michael because he's hurt so much. Can you imagine how painful it was, to lose the only person you loved and loved you back? Then to find out they betrayed you. Like, Trevor literally thought, Michael was using him from the start. Though, he doesn't hate M, like he said so many times. Trevor hates himself for being this way, for being not good enough, for Michael to choose him. Again and again.

Betrayal.

“M: I don’t know, man, I’ve made such a mess of things. Constantly…my whole life. Chase things. Get them. Hate them. Chase things, get them, hate them…”

I feel like often people don’t even consider Michael's feelings or mental issues. Trevor also says very hurtful words to M. Yes, he understands the reason behind Trevor’s anger, but this doesn’t negate the fact those words hurt a lot. I mean, he was even offended by the fact T didn’t hug him. As usual, he cannot cope with feeling of guilt and everything again comes down to aggression.

I also want to remind, that despite the killings, Michael didn’t abandon Trevor. He was even letting him to see his children. Also name Tracey is suspiciously similar to name Trevor. Isn't it a display of love? Can you imagine how many times Michael forgave T for doing something crazy?

Well, Michael was just afraid of Trevor hurting him or his family if he tells T they’re done.

Trust me, if M didn’t give a shit about his best friend, he would’ve just killed him.

However, Michael and Trevor's relationship before Ludendorff wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

I personally think there were four main reasons:

    1. He was just tired of living the way he did.     2. Safety of his family.       3. The FBI breathed down their backs and suggested him a ticket to freedom.

 In fear of losing Michael Trevor pushed him even more. Most likely thought their relationships could only last if they were connected by the partnership. An example of this is Trevor’s negative reaction to Michael's words that he wants to be done with robberies and make movies.

  “T: I could feel like I was losing you, so I pushed you harder. I thought that how to keep you in the game and I didn’t want to lose you. I’ve said it already, haven’t I?”

 4. As ironic as it may be, in the desire not to lose Michael, Trevor himself turned out to be the last drop, for his best friend’s decision.

Conclusion: they should stop being dumb-dumbs and be honest about how they really feel.

And therapy. A lot of therapy. 

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

It worked! Sorry to bug you with a message! But I'd like to request a cake now!

So, about me. I have an actual name but I don't think I've heard it in months😃, instead I have a bunch of nicknames! (Rion, ri, oreo, onion, o, etc), I'm actually nb so I chose that name, however I 100% consider naming myself Arson💀My pronouns are they/them and I'm about 5'5, I have short, fluffy brown hair that I usually dye the front blue. I'm Asian hispanic, but I really don't look like either- my favorite foods are either really spicy and salty or sweet. Not the overwhelming chemical sweet tho, like a natural sweet flavor. My personality type is infp, and ig when I first meet people I can be shy (that's an understatement, I was mute for the first week of school🕳🏃‍♂️) but once I get to know people I can be pretty chaotic (once again, arson). I'm not a 100% demon spawn though, I don't really like making scenes in public and I probably will cry if I do- but I still have fun lol. I'm also the person who copes with severe mental health issues using humor, to an alarming degree 😔 I'm the therapist friend when really I'm the one who needs therapy. I also have a social battery that can die at random times, so I really like/need friends who can handle random mood changes of me going from energetic to silent in seconds. Academically, I'm really book smart, I'm a tutor, but my grades don't reflect it. I tend to procrastinate a lot and avoid studying, usually I catch myself last minute or trust memory on tests, but every now and then there's something that tanks my grades. I'm not very athletic, but I still try to play sports. I enjoy the feeling when I do something right, but the rest of the time I usually beat myself up for messing up.

And now just random facts 😃👍

My favorite color is yellow, not the bright eye sore shade that makes you want to throw up, but the nice softer, light shade. And I like anything that comes with that color! (Sunflowers, flowy sundresses and flip flops, summer activities, burning concrete, warm rain, etc). Nobody knows my music taste, it changes weekly, however I usually come back to mitski/cavetown or summer themed songs a lot! I enjoy playing music, but I have the curse of being a fast learner so that usually leads to be being bored and learning a new instrument at any given chance. And my birthday is a weird date that fucks with zodiacs so I can be considered either a leo or cancer, my personality changes a bunch, so take your pick lol. (Though emotionally I tend to be cancerous, I just express it and show it in a way a leo would) And someday I wanna be a long term traveler, or a florist. Just a job that makes me happy :). And I guess if I had to classify my aesthetic it would be bloomcore or soft grunge. I like wearing big sweaters and if I could I would wear a bunch of butterfly clips in my hair and wear mom jeans. (I would also wear man crushers, I mean, platforms if I was confident)

Aaaannnnd that was really long sorry!

To sum up, I'm just a bipolar bitch with depression and anxiety 👍

Thanks a bunch for just taking the time to read this!

@oririon

Romantic Matchup

Bokuto Koutarou

How Y’all Met

IERJNDJS

I’m getting a classic summer love vibe from this matchup 👀

Ok so I just Hc that Bokuto LOVES flowers

So he would always just go to the local flower shop to look at them

Pls hes to precious I cant-

But anyways you we’re working a summer job at the flower shop

And you grew fond of our little owl boy

You would always talk to him whenever he visited

He just made your job that much more enjoyable :)

So one day you stopped him right before he left and told him he could pick a bouquet of flowers if he wanted

He BEAMED at you and picked a bouquet of flowers he always looked at whenever he came

But what shocked you was instead of walking out with them

He gave them to you!

He then went on talking about how he really liked you but didn’t know how to tell you

At this point he was just rambling

So you laughed and asked him if he would like to go to the ocean with you after your shift

He agreed and you swear you saw stars in his eyes

After your shift you met up with Bokuto and went to the beach

You guys literally spent ALL day there!

And even some of the night 👀

Being the gentleman he is offered to walk you home

And when you two got to your house he asked you to be his s/o

What They Love About You

Ok starting off with a strange one

He loves the fact that your favorite color is yellow 💛

He just thinks it fits you so well 😊

He loves that you have to ability to turn your trauma into humor

Now I’m ngl...

Ye found it extremely concerning at first 🥲

But once you explained it was like a coping mechanism for you

He was super supportive!

AAAAAAAA

He LOVES your aesthetic!

He thinks it’s so cute

And once again he thinks it fits you 👀

He appreciates the fact that your smart

If he doesn’t understand something in class

He’ll just go to you!

And honesty going over the material with him has helped your understanding as well 👀

Bokuto s grades:📈

Your grades: 📈

Favorite Things To Do Together

Oml he loves summers with you

Any summer activity

Beaches

Ice cream

Flower meadows 👀

Summer night drives

The whole shtick

But when it’s not summer

He loves doing classic seasonal activities

Examples:

Fall - Jumping in leaf piles, coffee dates, preparing for Halloween, etc

Winter - Snowball fights/Making Snowmen, Christmas movie marathons, hot cocoa/ baking, etc

Spring - Dancing in the rain, picnics, gardening etc

It’s a vibe year round with bf Bokuto

Random Hc

His favorite season is summer

And his second is winter

Ik...polar opposites

Oof

He TOTALLY gets your mood swings

Although they may not be the same as his

He still understands them and respects them

Every year on your anniversary he buys you the exact same bouquet he gave you at the flower shop

Speaking of the flower shop 👀

He got a job there with you the following summer

So you guys basically spent most of your days together

Bokuto is REALLY bad at dark humor

But for some reason he still tries 😭

It’s either TOO dark

Or not dark at all 💀

Astrology

(We’re gonna go with your cancer zodiac 😂)

When Cancer and Virgo make a love match, a strong, down-to-earth relationship with staying power is the happy result.

This is a relationship with great potential to get better and better over the passing years.

Both Cancer and Virgo are goal-oriented and disciplined.

They are sincere and devoted to one another and share a strong sense of purpose.

No lightweight love here: These two were not really built for flings!

Cancer and Virgo deeply admire one another: Virgo respects Cancer’s quiet strength and dedication while Cancer appreciates Virgo’s keen adaptability and intelligence.

These lovers may get off to a slow start, but over time, bonds will only grow stronger.

The Cancer-Virgo love match prides itself on common sense and strong principles over fluff and inconsequential or fleeting connections.

They enjoy the material comforts of life, but they will only feel good about their bounty if it has come as a result of honest hard work.

There could be tiffs if Virgo becomes too critical for Cancer’s easily bruised feelings; Cancer needs to understand that it’s just Virgo’s nature to point out what they observe, that it’s not a personal attack.

A Virgo may bristle at their Cancer mate’s stubborn streak, but it’s a trait that a patient and understanding love partner like Virgo could come to appreciate.

Also, Virgo’s urge to serve suits Cancer’s affectionate, nurturing nature well.

Their dedication to working toward the same goals.

Both partners in this love match enjoy a stable home life and nice things, and Virgo truly enjoys helping Cancer along the way to achieving their goals.

Their shared goals and desires make theirs a highly compatible love match.

Overall Aesthetic

Bloomcore 🌸

Bloom - Jesse

This Side of Paradise - Coyote Theory

Flaming Hot Cheetos - Claire

Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens

[scimitar-and-longsword]

I know you’re mostly JoexNicky, but would you consider writing AndyxBooker? My HC is that Booker pines hard for Andy. Lots of unrequited love potential. Sex is fine, but feelings are better.

Bold of you to assume I don’t ship ✨everything!✨ And unrequited love/pining???? Mmmmm yes, give me more!!! Ok, here’s some depressing Booker x Andy pining for you anon 💜

-----------------

Love Like a Dying Flame

Booker wasn’t an idiot. Ok well, maybe when it came to some things, but not this. He had no delusions about Andy. He may not have been around to meet Quynh or see her and Andy together. But he’d heard enough, mostly from Joe, to know that there was an insurmountable wall between him and Andy.

Booker would never expect Joe or Nicky to move on with anyone else should one of them die or be lost. So, why would Andy, whose relationship with Quynh had lasted twice as long as Joe and Nciky’s had so far, be any different? 

He knew Andy could never love him. Not when Quynh was still dying and invading his dreams every night. But it didn’t matter what he knew he couldn’t have, he also knew he couldn’t help but hope that someday she could see him as more than just another soldier. After all, they did have- had- all the time in the world.

When his wife and sons had all been laid to rest and the reality of facing eternity alone set in, Booker had all but lost hope. Even now, hope was a small candle at the other end of the infinite cave that was his mind. There seemed to be an eternity of darkness between himself and that flickering candle, and often he would lose sight of it completely. 

Then Booker would return from death with Andy’s face inches from his own. She’d say something like ‘ Come back to me’ and press her forehead to his as he rocked through the painful aftershocks of healing. In those moments, the flickering flame felt more like a bonfire.

Those moments fueled him. And kept him alive. Perhaps his body would have soldiered on regardless. But Andy was the one who kept the tatters of his soul tethered to earth.

He had vomited after he touched himself and thought of Andy instead of his wife for the first time. The guilt of betraying his wife had been overwhelming even 40 years after her death. But she was gone, and it hurt too much to think of her so long after she had left him. So his thoughts turned to Andy. It took time, but eventually he stopped like an adulterer. No, now he just felt like a creep. 

Joe knew something was up. Booker was sure of it. There had been more than one instance where Booker had caught himself staring at Andy only to shake himself out of it and earn a sad smile from his friend. Joe never said anything of course. That wasn’t the kind of friendship he and Joe had. But there was not a doubt in Booker’s mind that Joe knew.

Booker tried to keep his feelings in check, to rationalize them away. He tried to distract himself and sleep with random women as often as he needed to. And for a while, it worked.

But, in the last few decades it had gotten much much worse.

Toronto, 1951. 

The four of them were clearing out an illegal arms dealer and Andy had handed Booker a fully loaded Beretta mere seconds after he had fired his last shot. It was the first time anyone had anticipated his needs in battle before. Nicky and Joe, constantly had each other covered, and at times even Andy. But never Booker. Not before this time.

After that they quickly became a team. Their own sub-unit to mirror Joe and Nicky. And they made a pretty good team in a fight. It certainly wasn’t as effortless as Nicky and Joe fighting together, but it worked. Or at least it had worked.

The flame still disappeared from time to time, but after every fight or battle where he and Andy had traded blows on the same enemy, or one of them had killed someone about to make a killing strike on the other, the candle would come into view, still far away. But there.

Columbia, 1983. 

He and Andy were helping to escort a group of refugees over the border into Panama. Booker had been on watch, Andy nodding off beside him. Both of their backs against a large tree, the people they were protecting sleeping in the clearing in front of them. Andy’s head had slumped over onto Booker’s shoulder as she finally let sleep take her. 

He knew it meant nothing, not in the way he wanted it to. She was tired and his shoulder was as good a place as any. In any case it clearly had not been a choice, she had practically passed out from exhaustion. Still he couldn’t ignore how good it felt to know that Andy trusted him enough to let her guard down like this.

The flame in his mind burned a little brighter after that.

Busan, 2005.

Joe and Nicky had become trapped in a collapsed and still on fire apartment building. Nicky had run in with no plan as soon as he heard shouts coming from inside. Of course Joe had followed him in without hesitation.

Andy and Booker stayed outside, helping people who made it out, even catching a woman who had jumped from the third floor. Booker had broken multiple ribs when he broke her fall.

When the building had come crashing down with Joe and Nicky still inside, Booker had started to rush the building, intending to find his friends. Dig them out by hand if need be. But Andy had stopped him.

She grabbed his hand and stared directly in his eyes.

“Don’t.” she had said simply. Her voice was low and dry.

He had never seen her look so scared, not up to that point. It was the first time he had seen her cry. Not tear up, but actually cry. 

He sat with her as the firefighters and police pulled body after body from the rubble, including Joe and Nicky. She had held his hand the entire time. He still didn't understand what about that fire, which was far from the first or the last they had faced, had broken her so completely that night.

The smoldering flames of the wrecked building matched the ones in his mind. He could feel them on his face, and behind his eyes. He could feel them in the pit of his stomach.

And Now?

Booker wasn’t really sure what to think anymore. It couldn’t be healthy to pin all his love and hope on a person who didn’t return the feelings. And it wasn’t fair to Andy. Booker found it difficult to pull himself out of his depression long enough to really consider what was or wasn’t fair though.

He had spent 150 years second guessing every action Andy took. Always wondering if the reason she chose to sit next to him on every couch and helicopter was because Joe and Nicky were joined at the hip and she had no other choice. 

God. He felt like a child, jealous at who’s team he was chosen for in some schoolyard game. Not that he could remember what, if any, games he had played as a child.

Or perhaps the reason she chose him over Joe and Nicky wasn’t because he was the only one left, but because it was him. Sebastien le Livre. This selfish, fucked up, mess of a man, who loved his friends even as he cursed them for their happiness. Even as he made the choice to betray them to find his own peace.

He would never be able to forgive himself for what he had done to Andy. He would never know if his gunshot had been the one that flipped some invisible switch on her mortality. And now he would likely never see her again.

His grief had grown so terrible, his self loathing so all encompassing that he stopped being able to feel that flame in the back of his mind. And now he feared he would never feel it again. Doomed to wallow for eternity, mourning all the loves he had lost over the course of his never ending life.

Two months after his exile began he stopped dreaming of Quynh. He bitterly thought that if he had been able to wait just a few more months before making the worst mistake of his life, he would have been able to be there when Andy finally mourned Quynh. Help her pick up the pieces. 

He hated himself for that being his first reaction. He was a selfish piece of shit and he deserved to never see her again. She was better off without him.

No instead he had gotten word to Copley to try and discreetly let Nile know that her dreams of Quynh stopping wasn’t normal. Andy deserved to know.

When he stumbled into his apartment in Paris, absolutely gone on cheap cognac, He was determined to live the entire century drunk. He sobered up as soon as his door pushed open without needing it’s key though. 

He pulled his gun, stepped into the room, and saw the absolute last thing he had ever expected to see.

Standing before him was the woman whose face he knew better than his own, the only face he knew better than Andy’s.

“Booker.” Quynh cooly said. 

She poured herself a glass of water, and added, “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

He stood, frozen in disbelief, gun still pointed at Quynh. When a single small thought crept into his mind.

This was his chance, wasn’t it? If he couldn’t have Andy, which he had started to make peace with these last six months. Maybe returning something precious to her would end his exile early and allow him to at least be near her during the final years of her life.

Somewhere in the back of Booker’s mind, a small flame flickered to life.

((Available on AO3 as well, link on my tumblr 💜))

[mrsgreenworld]

Sen Çal Kapımı Episode 15 aka Soulmates

I know it's never taken me this long to gather my thoughts on a new SCK episode. But as I mentioned in my previous post Mike Flanagan's shows happened to me 😭😩😱

However, I also think it's because I had some mixed feelings regarding the episode. I guess while I was trying to watch it live (trying being the operative word here) the problems with the live stream influenced my overall first impression. I wasn't able to watch a good chunk of the episode and, of course, it got me annoyed and that, I guess, mixed up with my feelings about the episode. But after having rewatched it with subtitles I have a full and clear picture.

All in all it was a nice episode, very light compared to a much heavier angst of earlier episodes. I liked that light-hearted moments and humour were back. It was also a shorter episode which served it well. However, it felt a lot like a filler episode which, in my opinion, did nothing to move the story forward.

The things I loved / liked:

☑️ Eda: she was a true star ⭐ (ahah, pun intended) and the main highlight of the episode for me;

as a woman I was so proud to see her handle this situation with such strength, dignity and self-respect;

unfortunately, despite the old gender stereotypes slowly dying out, despite the fact that women are becoming more and more independent and aware of their value, we are still often portrayed as a weaker sex; I am not talking about physical strength, of course;

we are the ones left, we are the ones who suffer, we are made to love men with everything we have, we build our whole lives around them, we let our world revolve around them... so, when they leave or we lose them for any other reason - it's the end, everything falls apart, we fall apart; I am so sick of still seeing it on screen; that's why I freaking LOVED seeing Eda not fall apart, or at least she didn't fall apart for long;

I loved that she allowed herself to grieve, to cry, to be angry and to express this anger straight to Serkan's face; I think we saw Eda go through her own 5 stages of grief; but she didn't let depression take away more than one night of her life;

I love that Eda found out that Ayfer had contacted the grandma and, while her reaction might have been a bit too emotional (which is actually normal and understandable given she's still hurting after having had her heart broken and stamped on), I really enjoyed Eda protecting her personal boundaries and basically saying to stay the *uck out of her life - you go, girl!👏💪😎

I enjoyed the way Eda handled herself at the office and how she behaved around Serkan; she wasn't stealing lovesick glances at him or just brooding, she wasn't overly hostile, she wasn't running away;

oh, and when Seyfi brought that box, how she handled that - a standing ovation👏👏👏, everyone bow down to my Queen! 👑👸

speaking of that box where Serkan asked Seyfi to gather all of Eda's things, how he ordered to put away all her gifts - as Eda put it "he's trying to get rid of any trace of me"; in a way she's right; Serkan is trying to get rid of everything that could remind him of her and their shared moments but we know it's not because he doesn't love her (like Eda thinks), it's because he does and it's too much for him; and it's such a contrast to Eda who actually said to the girls that she wouldn't throw away or burn or whatever any of Serkan's gifts or other things that remind her of him and them, she openly said that she's not the one to run away from the memories; and it was so powerful - seeing the writers make a woman so undeniably stronger than a man👌👏

I also liked Eda around Efe, there wasn't anything romantic, I think it was completely professional and it didn't feel or look (at least to me) like Eda was trying to use Efe for petty reasons like make Serkan jealous (but of course our boy was jelly nonetheless 👽😁)

the little moment with Aydan: it was nice to see Aydan trying to comfort Eda (I guess she earned a few points for that) and I really liked the message she was trying to deliver - you can find love and happiness again;

I loved seeing Eda take that in, accept the message, agree that she will be ok one day; and I also liked seeing her not accept Aydan's support which felt a little bit like pity; Eda didn't want to be pitied and she said what she thought to Aydan's face; was it a little harsh? maybe, yes; but I understand where it came from and, given how insensitive, hostile, rude Aydan had been towards Eda in the past, Eda not really buying this whole support thing is pretty understandable;

☑️ Edser: whatever state these two are in - deliriously in love, flirty, pissed off, annoyed, lovesick, heartbroken - if they're together on screen it's always glorious;

do I like seeing them angsty and heartbroken? of course NOT! but the longing between them is SO GOOD!😍🤩

I loved that they introduced this soulmate theme; it wasn't there front and center but rather woven subtly through the episode: first, of course, pretty openly stated at the very beginning of the episode, in the parallel conversations Eda / the girls and Serkan / Engin; then symmetrically at the very end of the episode - the papers with the names of the drivers for the race, then Serkan being the one to notice Eda's absence, him just feeling her and being led by his heart until he found her - not bad for an emotionless robot, huh?😏😉

THE RINGS!😍😍 glad that they brought Eda's💍ring back into the picture; she demonstratively put it on the middle finger of her right hand; obviously she did it on purpose, she even explained the reason behind this decision - from now on it will serve as a reminder what kind of person Serkan Bolat is; but of course I think there's something deeper at play here; Eda could have easily put the ring on her left hand but she went with her right hand instead, with the middle finger which is so close to where it used to be, where an engagement ring should be - on her ring finger; so I think it's also a way for Eda to be closer to Serkan, it's almost like a phantom of what they used to have as well as of all the things they won't have... I am also 99% sure I am overthinking here and the intentions of writers were much simpler 🙈😆

anyway, I loved that Eda and Serkan both noticed and pointed out aloud that the other was wearing their ring; also Serkan's reasoning "to keep other women away" - why don't you tattoo "I am the property of Eda Yıldız" on your forehead, mister?👀🙈😆 could he be any more obvious?

the coffee scene was priceless 🤣🤣🤣 Serkan was so damn confident that Eda poured that cup for him and then him mumbling "for Efe" under his breath... like an offended child 🙈😆

them fighting looked a lot like flirting and the electricity⚡generated during their arguments could easily power their whole office building - I am sure;

the car ride to the presentation and that presentation itself - while I didn't entirely enjoy it and how controlling Serkan was I cannot help but admire the way his mind works; I also think he was doing it for Eda, it was his way of supporting and looking out for her without being too obvious; this way they also get to work together and even if it's just for work he will be closer to her;

Serkan showing up at that sport motivation thing like a boss 😎 and shamelessly checking Eda out 😏 I mean, was he aware there were other people around? and how is it possible that Eda was still buying the emotionless robot crap? the emotions the guy was looking at her with were enough to melt the glaciers 🔥🥵

and finally - that moment at the sea when Eda told Serkan that he wouldn't have apologized if he hadn't feared for his life; his immediate response was that it wasn't about that, "what if something had happened to you?"; when Eda answered with "Does it matter?" I swear I thought Serkan was gonna take her by the shoulders and shake her;

that jaw tick? man, he was pissed 😤

at Eda - for saying something like that, for being so careless with her life;

at himself - for allowing her to think that it wouldn't absolutely destroy him if something were to happen to her;

but the moment Eda left all anger left him and Serkan just looked... defeated;

☑️ Eda and Efe: might be an unpopular opinion but I actually liked their dynamic in episode 15; as I have already mentioned I didn't see or feel anything romantic and while I still don't trust Efe (him being from Mardin - a coincidence? nope, don't think so🧐) I liked how supportive he was with Eda; I think she needed that push to get back to work; okay, there is very likely some ulterior motive here but at least in this episode he seemed pretty genuine and it didn't look like he was using Eda; he wasn't provoking Serkan that much either;

☑️ Selin and Serkan: a short scene with the two of them in Serkan's office and Selin's reaction to Serkan and Eda's breakup; maybe to someone it may seem too strong but I actually liked Selin calling Serkan out on it like that; honestly I half expected her to find excuses for his behaviour;

☑️ Engin: keeps being a loyal friend who doesn't just offer silent support; I like how he always tries to reason with Serkan, doesn't shy away from telling him unpleasant truth;

glad he was there for Serkan at the very beginning of the episode;

loved how he checked on Serkan at the office and then tried to convince our RoBo that it's ok to not be ok and maybe take a vacation;

then the exchange:

Engin: "So, out of sight, out of mind?"

Serkan: "Exactly"

Engin (spotting Eda coming into the office with Efe): "Interesting how that's gonna work out for you" - interesting indeed 🙈😆;

Things I didn't like / was annoyed with:

❎ Serkan: yes, my baby boy made it into this category - there's first time for everything 🙈😆

just to be clear - he is still my cupcake and I love him dearly but here's the thing: we don't always like those we love;

I think in episode 15 Serkan was controlling and childish; and I completely understand where these tendencies come from but it doesn't mean I am gonna turn a blind eye on this or try to justify his behaviour;

that "Efe left but Serkan is here" scene was intented to be funny and endearing I guess but it was highly manipulative; and when during the car ride Serkan commented on Eda behaving like a teenager I was like "excuse me?! have you met yourself, mister?!" because that manipulation to make Eda go with him was worthy of a 12-year-old 🤨;

❎ Selin: when is she not annoying?🤔 while I liked that she didn't take Serkan's side and called him out on his change of heart, unfortunately, she still managed to make it about herself; it never fails to amaze me how selfish and self-centred this character is;

❎ Alptekin: what a poor excuse of a father and a man he is... almost feel sorry for him;

don't apologize on behalf of your son - he's a grown ass man who is capable of speaking for himself;

apologize for yourself, your mistakes and if you're not ready - then don't go to Ayfer just to make yourself feel better 😤😡;

❎ that almost copy-paste from Erkenci Kuş at the end:

getting lost and falling down into a pit in the forest? been there, done that in EK episode 19;

okay, we had beautiful sea views and they placed it at the end to add more suspense but all in all it was awfully similar and also kinda came out of nowhere;

after that emotional scene between Eda and Serkan we were whooshed into "Eda is not here, let's go find her"; I have no problem with the absence of the moment where she actually fell into that pit - wasn't that necessary - but a scene that could have served as a building block to this would have been good - show Eda going for that walk.

And... that's pretty much it.

Gonna get down to episode 16 now

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #461

“this city looks so pretty, do you wanna burn it with me?”

Have you ever wanted a Nikon camera? Or do you have one already? My camera before the one I have now was a Nikon D3200. I use a Canon now. Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to? A friend. Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I have it, but I barely use it nowadays. I use it to edit photos for character profiles or profile pictures, add a watermark for my actual photography, and I used to make Mark-oriented gifs like crazy. They mostly did really well, so... I might wanna get back into that and get That Sweet Validation. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? No. Have any of your exes gotten married or had kids since your breakup? None, I think. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression. Can you tolerate children for a long period of time? NO. Have you ever lived with someone you felt thoroughly uncomfortable around? No. Are you into dubstep? Yeah, I tend to enjoy it. Zelda or The Sims games? Can I pick neither? lol I don't feel very much at all for The Sims, and Zelda games have always looked... boring to me? Like I've watched most of the Game Grumps' playthroughs of all the games, and they make it hilarious of course, but the games themselves? Nah. Are you terrible at assigning bands their proper genre? YES YES YES YES YES YES. Even in my preferred category, that being metal, FUCK if I know the sub-genre. Have you ever made out in a closet? No, that shit sounds claustrophobic as hell. Have you ever been to a laser tag place? Yeah, on a triple-date once! It was SO fun. How do you wanna celebrate your next birthday? Have a couple friends over, pig out at The Cheesecake Factory. o3o Do you tease your parents about them being old? No, especially not Mom. She's self-conscious about getting older. Are you in love with someone? "In love" is a bit too far, buddy. But I love someone. Have you ever ridden a unicycle? No. Have you ever wanted a pet bunny? I was VERY serious about getting a lop-eared bunny for quite a while, but we just couldn't afford to adopt one (even off Craigslist) and get a cage for it, toys, etc. Are the bottom of your feet clean? I HATE seeing the bottom of my feet. Not because they're dirty, but because it's Callus City. I ain't even fuckin jokin'. Do you like really salty food? Yeah. :x When’s the last time you bled a lot? Well, I just recently finished my cycle after not menstruating for three or four MONTHS, so you can figure that one out. Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? Yeah. I like to know exactly when it's coming. Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yes to both. When you’re done eating finger foods, do you usually lick your fingers? Usually kasdjlf;kalsdjf shut up ok I like food. What’s the most racist thing you have ever said? As a little kid, when my really good friend (a neighborhood kid, even) asked if he thought we'd be a good couple, I told him no because "blacks and whites don't date" or something like that. It was an idea I'd never been exposed to before; the idea was so foreign to little kid me. I had no idea I was being racist. It ended in a small fight and we didn't talk for a few days 'til he came to my house telling Mom that he had to "be a man" and fix this and if that ain't the cUTEST SHIT RIGHT THERE. We were friends again after that. He's still on my Facebook, and he actually semi-recently got married! :') Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? No. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? No. Does weed smell good? Or no? Ugh, no. Where do you see your closest friend in ten years? Successful and happy she kept pushing. Mama to so many reptiles that are blessed with the best lives possible in human care. Got at least one amazing book out there. If she's reading this, you've fucking got this. <3 Would you like to have twins? Mother of fucking god, no. Even if I WANTED kids, do fucking not give me twins. Who was the last person you got into an argument with? My mom. Want to have kids before you’re 30? Once again, I don't want kids, but IF I did, that'd be preferable before the risk of birth defects and other issues climb with age. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? My older sister has my initial. Do you think somebody’s in love with you? No. Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in ten years? Yes, I genuinely do. Who were the last people to hang out at your house? Miss Tobey, our friend and landlord. Does anyone like you? Welp... I hope he still does. Guess we'll figure that out soon. What person on your Facebook do you talk to the most? VIA Facebook? Probably my friend Lyndsey. She likes to comment on stuff I share. Do you want to fall in love? I do, but I'm also utterly horrified to and risk being hurt again. Are you interested in more than one person at the moment? No. Once I realized I was so deeply into Girt, all other romantic feelings kinda just... poofed. How was your last break up? Civil and done with both of our best interests in mind. What is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say? Probably the first time I admitted I needed to go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was so, so scared of what it was going to be like. What is the hardest thing you NEEDED to hear? That if Jason wasn't happy with me, he had every right to move on. She was right. Do you treat yourself well? No... but I'm trying to change that. What was the last song you sang out loud to? This "Set Fire to the Rain" cover. Do you take good pictures? I think I do? Have you ever done any internship? No. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? Holy shit, so much, especially when it comes to morality and political stances. I am now a massive supporter and member of the LGBTQ+ community, I'm pro-trans rights, pro-choice... I've done like a dozen 180s in a lot of topics. Do you know anyone who has a PhD? I mean, some doctors, but no one in my truly personal life. Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Yes: my cousin. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? LAKSDJFKLA;JWD NEVER AND I PRAY TO THE HOLY LORD THAT I NEVER DO. Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? Not massively? Like literally everyone gets them and is natural and inevitable. Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? I know one alcoholic, and one that's probably borderline. I also have two friends who are extremely addicted to weed. Look me in the eyes and say it's not an addictive substance and I wouldn't believe you one bit. Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? Eh, sometimes World of Warcraft. Some days I'm really into it, and others I barely touch it. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? I have no clue. I don't even remember movies that were made *for* Disney exclusively. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. We have a friend from the dance studio mow the lawn. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? My iPod has a whole live album of Ozzy. Did you or do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Both did and do. Britney is a boss bitch. Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? Male. Have you seen the movie Moulin Rouge? No, but I've seen some of that P!nk music video of the song and it brings out the Gay in me. Do you have a key to anything besides your house? No. Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? I've done that before. I miss doing puzzles... Have you ever been to any sort of convention? I went to a reptile expo with Sara!! I REALLY want to go to another when my legs are stronger and can handle standing and walking so much. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom. Have you ever tried to walk on a moving vehicle and fallen over? No????? What is your favourite kind of bread? Is there any of that in your house? Pumpernickel. No. Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I played the flute all through middle school and I wanna say half of HS. Have you ever ordered an unusual drink at a bar? Never even been to one. Have you ever been pulled aside by security at the airport? I think once for some reason I don't recall? What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times) Gingerbread men, probs. Or chocolate bunnies!!! :') How do you feel right now? My stomach is KILLING me. I'm super excited though that Girt is coming over tomorrow. Have you ever had surgery that kept you in the hospital for over a day? No. What would you like your generation to change? How we treat nature. Is there anyone that you truly could not live without? No. I learned that is a very unhealthy mentality to have. Do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked? I just hate carrots. What restaurant did you last go out to dinner at with friends? With friends? I couldn't even guess. Does your refrigerator have an ice maker or do you use ice cube trays? It has an ice maker. Do you have a favorite sibling, if any? No; I love them all. Do you have a favorite brand of clothing? I STAN CLOAK. How’s the love life? Something new might start tomorrow. I think it will. Do you watch the news? No; that shit is depressing. Who do you admire most? Mark. Do you have a favorite album? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne takes the cake and always will.

[jensengirl83]

That Day Again

Dean x reader, Sam

Dean’s POV

Summary- Dean tries to comfort reader

Word count-1551

Warnings-Angst, mentions of suicide-Don’t read if that upsets you, fluff at the end

 Beta’d by @emoryhemsworth and @hardcoresupernatural. Thank you for the help :)

I was standing in the kitchen frying bacon while a pot of coffee was brewing on the counter. I know Y/n’s dire need for coffee before even saying good morning is a must. That’s one thing I love about her, how grumpy she is when she first gets up in the mornings. I find it absolutely adorable. Especially the raging bed head she’s always sporting as she drags her feet to the coffee pot.

 There’s one thing about her, I think to myself, She never sleeps in. I turn to look over my shoulder, wondering what’s keeping her from her coffee. Nectar of the Gods she calls it. That thought has me giggling to myself. The laughter fades quickly as soon as my brain registers the day.

 “Shit.” I mumble. How could I forget what day it was. This day is always hard on her...her sister’s birthday.

 It was last April when Y/n got that phone call. Her and her sister were always close. They were born exactly a year and a week apart. Y/n always said they felt more like twins than just sisters. They grew up doing everything together.

 Their childhoods weren’t great. Another thing that bonded them. Getting through what they went through as kids, would bond anyone together. They both had depression and anxiety. No doubt a side effect of the trauma that having a mother like they did would cause. Unfortunately, her sister lost her battle and had committed suicide. Y/n hasn’t been the same since. Which I completely understand. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if Sammy had done the same thing.

 “What’s that smell?” Sam says as he walks into the kitchen. His nose scrunched up in disgust.

 “Fuck!” I grab the pan with the bacon, well I wouldn’t call it bacon anymore, and throw it in the sink. I had totally forgotten I was cooking it. My thoughts about the pain Y/n must be in today making me think about nothing else.

 “What’s going on Dean? You’re not one to ruin a perfectly good batch of bacon.” Sam says with a smirk on his face. He must think he’s so funny.

“It’s June 10th, Sammy.” That’s all I have to say to wipe that smirk off his face. Replaced by a look of sadness.

 “Oh.” That’s all he has to say. “I was going to ask why Y/n wasn’t here with her coffee yet. I guess I know why now.”

 “Yeah. Do you care to clean this up while I go check on her?” I ask with a sigh. I already know what I’m going to find when I get to our room.

 “Sure man. Actually, stay with her awhile. I know it’s your turn for the supply run, but she needs you. Especially today.”

 “Thanks Sammy, I’ll owe you one.”

 Sam just smiles as I walk out of the kitchen and down the hallway towards our room. Y/n and I have been friends for years. We’ve been a couple for 2 ½ of those. I’ve seen her have her moments. Hell, the way she grew up, I can’t blame her. Mine and Sammy’s wasn’t that bad compared to what her and her sister have been through. She always had this light about her though. Even with everything she had been through, Y/n always managed to light up a room with her presence. She didn’t know a stranger, and would carry on a conversation with a rock if she thought it was listening. One of the other things that made me fall for her. That light has diminished greatly since she received that phone call I wish I could keep from ever happening.

 “Y/n sweetheart, are you awake?” She doesn’t say a word, but the sounds of her sniffling lets me know that she is. “Baby, what can I do? I know this day is hard for you. Let me know what I can do to help you through this.”

 I sit on the edge of the bed and slowly start running my fingers through her hair. Another thing I love. Her hair has always reminded me of silk, so soft and shiny. Not only does it usually calm her down, the feeling of my hands in her hair has a calming effect for me too.

 She finally lifts her head to look at me. Her cheeks tear stained. Her eyes swollen and red. The look of pure sorrow in her eyes has me fighting back tears of my own. I lean down to press my lips to her forehead. The shaky sigh that leaves her breaking my heart even more.

 “Lay with me.” That’s all she has to say before I’m behind her with my arms wrapped protectively around her. This kills me. I can protect her from the monsters. Even the shitty humans. I can’t protect her from this, her own thoughts and it pisses me off. Not at Y/n for being sad, and not at her sister for doing what she did. I’m pissed that the world couldn’t just give her a break. She’s been through so much. Hell, she was forced to raise her sisters when she was 11. Her mother just did whatever she pleased.

 “Where did I go wrong, Dean?” Her voice dragging me from my thoughts.

 “What are you talking about, baby? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

 “Obviously I did! If I hadn’t messed up my sister wouldn’t be dead!” Her body now wracked with sobs. There is no reason she should blame herself.

 “No Y/n. You’ve done nothing wrong. Please stop blaming yourself sweetheart.” I barely got the words out with the lump in my throat that’s barely holding back my own sobs. I can’t stand to see her this way.

 “Why didn’t she call me Dean? Why did she do it? I was the oldest. It was my job to protect her and I failed.” Those big y/e/c eyes looking at me begging for answers that I or anyone else will never be able to give her.

 “I don’t know sweetheart. You know where your mind can go when your depression gets to be too much. With everything that had happened to her in her life she just couldn’t fight it anymore. That’s not your fault or hers.” I hope my words can get her out of this pit of sorrow and despair she’s in. If even for a moment.

 “I don't know if I could get through this without you Dean. How did I get so lucky?” she says with a small hint of a smile. A smile that to this day, still takes my breath away.

 “It’s not just me you know. You have Sammy. He loves you too, Y/n. I would have to disagree with one part of your statement though. I’m the lucky one in this situation sweetheart.” That laugh. I live to hear that beautiful sound leave her lips.

 “You’re right Dean. I have Sammy too, but I don’t think you would appreciate him kissing my tears away. I mean he could…..” I crash my lips to hers before she can finish that sentence.

 “I don’t think so Y/n. Those lips are mine to kiss, and mine only.” I say with fake anger in my voice.

 “That’s what I thought, Winchester.” Her face lighting up with that bright smile I was missing.

 “You feeling a little better now?” She sighs as she cuddles into my side. Turning to lay her head on my chest.

 “Yes, Dean. Thank you. Thank you for always being there. Like I said before, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

 “You’ll never have to find out as long as I have something to say about it.” Her giggle can’t help but bring a smile to my face.

 “Ok Winchester, let me up. I need my coffee!” I can’t help but let out a laugh at that.

 “There’s my girl! C’mon, Let's get you caffeinated.” She rolls to her feet with a grunt. Her hair is a beautiful mess all over her head.

 “By the way, what’s that awful smell?” Her face contorted into a look of disgust and curiosity.

 “I burnt the bacon.”

 “Dean Winchester burning bacon?! Bacon, his life force? What has this world come to?!” She mockily gasps while clutching her chest. Always one for the dramatics.

 “Yes I burnt the bacon, Y/n. No need to be so dramatic about it.” I say with an eye roll but the smile still on my face.

 “Well, let’s go, so I can teach you how to properly make breakfast.” She twirls around to head to the kitchen.

 “Sammy! Where are you? We have to show your brother how to cook bacon again apparently.” She looks over her shoulder to give me a wink.“You coming babe?” as quickly as she asks the question, she turns on her heels and starts yelling for Sammy again. “Where are you Groot? Let’s get this show on the road! I’m hungry!” Out the door she goes.

 Bounce back in her step for now. I know she’ll need me again later, but for now I’m going to enjoy my Y/n. That crazy, beautiful, caring girl I call mine.

 “Right behind you sweetheart.” I answer to nothing. She’s already halfway to the kitchen yelling for Sam to break out the bacon.