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engenuity · 4 years ago

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en- when their s/o feels insecure about other girls

note: Hello! I’m here with a request and it will be my first time doing something like this for the seven of them. To the anon who requested, sorry for doing this late but I hope you’ll enjoy it!

request: their reaction with their s/o saying “i wish i was beautiful like other girls.”

pairings: enhypen members x fem reader

words: 1602 words

፧ lee heeseung

→ you were simply sitting on your desk during a short break, being surrounded by some of your girl friends, when you gave that comment

→ your friends simply snickered at you, accepting it as a joke (well, half of it is)

→ but when you looked at where your boyfriend sits, he’s frowning at you

→ unlike some of your friends, heeseung is deeply aware of your insecurities

→ so you sent a bright smile on his way hoping that he will not be more bothered and burdened than necessary

→ come lunch and when he took the seat next to you, he quickly also brought up his favorite ramen, but this time, he gave it to you

→ which, happens close to never, because come on, heeseung and his ramen? literally inseparable

→ but you know he’s sacrificing his ramen to offer you comfort and you fall for him deeper if that’s even possible at this point

→ he ended up being too affectionate to you (acting as if he’ll eat the noodles you scooped therefore having his face only inches from you, teasingly pinching your nose until you swat his hand away, and after you ate your meal you ended up half cuddling him with you leaning against him and his arms around you)

→ you’ll end up forgetting the insecure thoughts made before, because now you have heeseung affectionately saying through his words that you deserve what you have and that he’s here for you, and no matter how little you think of yourself he’s here to help you appreciate your own self even more.

፧ jay park

→ you were hanging out in his dorms when you said it (you saw some of your school mates posting their pictures and you can’t help but feel green)

→ he starts up snorting saying “no one’s made ugly anyways”

→ the dork that you are ended up saying “well, how are you ugly?”

→ but both of you know that it’s a lie and out of all the people in the world how can jay and ugly be in the same sentence

→ he tackled you and the both of you ended up in a tangle in the couch

→ but then he started playing with your hair and softly, he said, “you’re beautiful.”

→ you’ve never been a crier but hearing those words uttered with most care, you can’t help but tear up a bit.

→ although he acted nonchalant, he will never forget it and he vowed to help you build up more confidence

→ if before, his way of affection is through teasing, now he’ll still tease you but compliments became very common too

→ “you look great in that fit” ; “how did you make your hair look like that? it’s amazing” ; “did you know about this hand cream? here, try it, i can buy it for you”

→ with your permission, he started posting pictures of your dates or just pictures of you, and you always fall a sleep with a smile after reading the cheesy (but utterly romantic) captions he always have posted with the lot.

፧ park sunghoon

→ you stood there in front of an advertising screen and you uttered those words not knowing that your boyfriend can hear you (well you thought he was still in the cashier paying for the things he bought)

→ he never said anything, so you remain clueless whether he heard you or not

→ your mall date continued as usual, after watching a movie the both of you just stroll around the mall, both coped up with each other.

→ but this time, uncharacteristically, he asked you to join him in skating (you usually just sit in the sidelines after falling in your butt far too many times)

→ of course, you’re skeptical because, come on, you already made so many embarrassing moments in front of sunghoon, but when he looked at you with that pleading face all reservations were easily swept away

→ this time though, he didn’t teach you how to properly glide or skate or even walk with the blades, instead he never took his hands and eyes off you as he glided, confidently maneuvering you with him.

→ you feel as if you’re dancing on ice with him, which you probably actually are

→ you find yourself laughing in exhilaration when he effortlessly threw you into a spin and you came back facing him.

→ there in the ice rink, with your face inches away from him— blushing and obviously elated from happiness, sunghoon silently promised that he will make you see how beautiful you really are.

→ although on the ice, dancing with you in his arms, you already felt so so beautiful.

፧ jake sim

→ no matter how hard he tries he literally wears his emotions on his sleeve

→ so when you half-jokingly opened up about this insecurity, he looked so hurt on your behalf

→ he thinks it’s unfair that you view yourself too little when he’s willing to give you the world

→ will turn into some deep conversations

→ “why would you think that?”

→ will listen very closely and at first you wanted to brush it as a joke but when you saw how he’s suddenly very serious and attentive you ended up opening the can of worms aka some of your insecurities about your looks

→ you’ll find yourself leaning your head on his shoulder tearing up a bit, his arms either on your shoulder or softly caressing your head

→ then after the whole opening-up thing, he’ll tell you that you’re beautiful, one-of-a-kind, overall amazing person

→ and that he’ll stay by your side as long as you let him and he’ll make you believe that you’re so much more than what you think

→ he also sent a silent prayer pleading that you’ll be allowed to be comfortable and happy with what you have.

፧ kim sunoo

→ well, before he became your boyfriend, he’s your best friend first

→ so he is already practically aware of most of your demons

→ when you off-handedly made the comment, he won’t hesitate to snuggle you in his arms and kiss you on the cheek

→ “what are you saying you silly, you’re already so, so beautiful”

→ you’ll end up snickering at him / pouting

→ then this time, he’ll quickly kiss you on the lips

→ “you’re beautiful, you have no choice but to believe me, seriously.”

→ you’ll end up laughing at him, and although some doubts remained in your mind, you can’t help but appreciate your boyfriend.

→ because of course, who even doubts kim sunoo?

፧ yang jungwon

→ like in the heeseung situation, you were just fooling around with your friends when jungwon heard you joke about it

→ will not waste a second to butt in the conversation suddenly to say “what do you mean, you’re very pretty”

→ your friends will not waste a second to let out very loud shrieks

→ but it will not end there because when the both of you are walking home he’ll casually say— “but actually, pretty might only appear to be about outside appearance while the word beautiful encompasses all aspects, no? but what i meant was that you’re beautiful and you’re enough.”

→ you’ll be super shy because of that but he’ll just giggle and swing your holding hands playfully

→ you decided to add a prompt kiss before you separate ways

→ so now it’s his time to be shy

፧ nishimura ri-ki

→ the both of you were camping on a café doing your own requirements

→ this counts as a date for the both of you, because well what’s important is that you’re together and this time, you just simply decided to be productive students

→ you found yourself having a short break and while browsing in instagram, you off-handedly made the comment

→ the guy in front of you will not make any comments about it, and it’s honestly fine because you didn’t even notice the words that passed through your lips

→ imagine your shock when you came back on doing your paper and your mail was bombarded with lots of memes with hearts in them

→ there were also some pictures of jay and heeseung of all people with humorous captions

→ at first it was funny but then you can’t continue doing your homework so you told ni-ki to stop sending random things at your mail

→ the guy working in his own laptop didn’t reply, instead you just got another email

→ ‘—you are beautiful! claim it or this meme dealer will not stop’

→ “seriously!?” ( you exclaimed, hoping for a non-virtual response but you got nothing)

→ you thought more mails will come containing memes and you’re feeling mixed emotions of both fondness and irritation

→ but this one was not a meme, but rather a latest picture of your boyfriend drinking in his straw and pouting, with a meme-layout caption of ‘the woman reading this is my girlfriend and she is beATIFUL periodt periodism dot . ‘

→ now you just ended up laughing at his antics, and fully appreciating the efforts of your meme-dealer boyfriend

→ “fine, okay, okay. i admit i’m beautiful”

→ as a response, ni-ki gave you a proud smile and a thumbs up

→ the both of you continued doing your papers and it was such a productive, self- assuring, fun date with him.

→ then later on at night you’ll call him — “ya! you can only send that last meme to me got it?!” which he’ll respond with a laugh then a deadpan “duh.”

#enhypenwriters #enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen headcanons #enhypen fanfiction #eunice writes #heeseung enhypen #jay enhypen #jake enhypen #jungwon enhypen #sunoo enhypen #niki enhypen #sunghoon enhypen #enhypen scenarios

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sunnyssoftware · 2 years ago

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INTRO POST

HAIII‼️

I'm Sunny but feel free to also call me Huey or any nickname!

I am:

♡ FIFTEEN(15)! A MINOR(WHICH MEANS NO DEGENERACY)

♢ AroAce Gay!(abrosexual/romantic)

♤ A trans guy!(Agender/genderfluid/nonbinary)

♧ Neurodivergent!(AuADHD + other disorders)

Feel free to use any pronouns on me apart from she/her! I much prefer he/it and any neo/xenopronouns though!

My interests currently include:

Honkai Star Rail, Bungō Stray Dogs, Genshin Impact, Project Sekai, Vocaloid, cosplay, art, editing & general digital media, computer science, music, and the overall horror genre!(i.e horror literature, videos, games, etc)

Currently hyperfixating on:

Honkai Star Rail!

I also want to start getting into classic literature and I'm slowly learning Russian when I can!

Like any other person in fandoms, I have kins!

Here's my kinlist! Highest to lowest‼️

(Maybe)

[PM] Osamu Dazai(Bungo Stray Dogs)

[BEAST] Osamu Dazai(Bungo Stray Dogs)

Yozo Oba(No Longer Human)

Ashley Graves(The Coffin of Andy and Leyley)

Nikolai Gogol(Bungo Stray Dogs)

Ame(Needy Streamer Overload)

OMGkawaiiAngel(Needy Streamer Overload)

Jason "J.D" Dean(Heathers the Musical)

[Suit] Saeran Choi(Mystic Messenger)

Atsushi Nakajima(Bungo Stray Dogs)

Kyōka Izumi(Bungo Stray Dogs)

Scaramouche/Wanderer(Genshin Impact)

Mafuyu Asahina(Project Sekai)

Omori(Omori)

Sunny(Omori)

Saeyoung "Luciel" Choi(Mystic Messenger)

[ADA] Osamu Dazai(Bungo Stray Dogs)

Few more facts about me!

I live in the UK!(England)

I live in a sea-side city!

I'm Eastern European(Romanian)

I'm bilingual(English & Romanian)

I wear glasses(I'm short-sighted)

I play the piano!

I'm short!(143cm, about 4'8")

I love sour sweets!

I hate white chocolate

I like spicy food despite low spice tolerance

I DESPISE mushrooms

I love noodles or any type of pasta!

DNI/BYF TIME!!!

Please DNI the following:

★ Under 13s(shouldn't be on the internet anyways!)

★ "MAPs" aka pedos! Please seek help!

★ Zoophiles

★ Proshippers/Comshippers unless you are using it as a coping mechanism! (Even then, beware I'll be reluctant to interact back with you and I'd much rather prefer those that are recovering to interact)

★ You shit on people's interests

★ Engage in ANY type of LGBTQ discourse(i.e exclusionist/inclusionist, anti neos/xenos, etc)

BYF‼️

✦ To any adults interacting: I'll be wary of interacting back with you because you're and adult and I'm a minor, don't take it personally.

✦ I'm mentally ill! I have depression, social anxiety and possibly BPD, please do not attack me if I say or do something you deem "wrong", instead please just approach me and talk to me about it and specify you're not trying to argue or hurt me and are just trying to educate me

✦ I don't care for people's likes and dislikes! If we click, we click! But I still do value my opinions so if you might not be able to handle different opinions then proceed with caution because I am open about them.

✦ I use humor to cope! So if I make an insensitive joke it's either because I've been affected by the subject matter or it was pure ignorance.

Thank you for your time!

I usually don't post on here, I just read fics and reblog stuff but I hope you lot enjoy regardless!

I'll try see if I can find stuff to post, might just use this blog for personal reasons lol!

----------------------------------------------------------

My other socials:

Instagram

Twitter

Discord server

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rudysrings · 4 years ago

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Stella of Fricking Solaria, my dudes

Why Miss Stella of Solaria is Hands Down My Favorite Winx (Tecna is an extremely close second):

Disclaimer #1: I'm referring to Stella from the OG show, the Italian-American Winx Club Animation, obviously not the other thing that Netflix decided was okay to produce.

Disclaimer #2: Not an argument for why Stella is the best character by any means, just a blurb about what I believe are her highlights and things I relate to about her most. Why she's my favorite character. All a matter of personal opinion please don't come at me for it lmfao.

First and foremost, Stella is an utterly loyal friend. She is the very best person to have at your side in a fight, in a time of need, in a crisis, during a heartbreak; you name it--my girl is the one who’s there any way she can be, trying her best to cheer you up or feel your feels with you any way she knows how. That’s not to excuse her often misguided attempts at consoling her friends, which often turn out to be more hurtful and disastrous, but we also know that she always realizes her mistake, if not by herself, with the help of her girls, and owns up to it, making it up to anyone she hurt. We are introduced to Stella as quite literally, Bloom’s day one. Despite being a princess to essentially the ruling kingdom/planet of the entire goddamn galaxy or Magical world or whatever you want to call it (cut me some slack it’s been a hot minute since I did a rewatch), her view of friendship has not been distorted in any way. She does not have difficulty recognizing her role in Bloom’s life, completely embracing sisterhood and always having her best interests at heart. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Stella is Bloom’s biggest supporter and would quite literally do anything for her. She doesn’t have any close friends before Bloom, so when the two’s lives do become intertwined, they quickly become family. The two of them are the perfect role models for the purest female friendship that doesn’t ever show them having anything but each other’s best interests as their absolute priority.

There’s still a lot more I want to say about Stella and friendship, as that’s undeniably her best character trait, but I do want to talk about her personality--her humor, her emotional sensibility, her independence, etc.

Who doesn’t relate to a character who uses humor as a coping mechanism? Miss Stella’s a princess, born and bred, and I assume both due to that and to her parents’ failing marriage, Stella views emotional vulnerability as weakness on her part. This is what makes her partially blind to her friends’ feelings at times, not understanding as to why they feel like shit when they could just move on or fix the problem. She doesn’t always understand that most people go through heartbreak and grief and truly let themselves feel what they need to feel before moving on. Of course, this doesn’t mean she’s incompassionate, it simply takes her more time. Towards herself though, she doesn’t usually show the same empathy. While Stella’s anger is absolutely scorching, visible to everything and everyone and quite literally destroying everything in its path, Stella’s more complex emotions like self-hate to some extent, sorrow and guilt for her parents’ whose marriage is falling apart and she most definitely feels partly responsible for, are almost invisible at times. This is because she is the happy, cheerful one--the Fairy of the goddamn Shining Sun. She’s not meant to have a cloudy day, because she doesn’t allow herself to. This is where her sense of humor comes into play. If she ever catches herself revealing too much about any sort of negative emotions she might be feeling at the moment, you can bet your ass that she’s going to immediately laugh nervously, make a joke and try her very best to change the subject.

Anyway...kinda burnt out but I still wanna post this so maybe part two later.

#stella #stella of solaria #fairy of the shining sun #stella: fairy of the shining sun #stella winx #winx club #winx #fate #fate: the winx saga

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drpierceandmrhyde · 4 years ago

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okay here’s me blathering about “Hawk’s Nightmare” for ~1350 words

I’m going to talk about Frank and Margaret’s conversation in post-op first because it doesn’t fit with the other themes of the episode that I want to talk about, but I still like that scene, so I want to talk about it anyway.

Margaret’s “I happen to be an engaged person” is very Gender, but I also like her “I’m a one-man woman” because … well, she is. Sure, she had a long affair with a married man, but that affair could have been born from mutual loneliness as much as from attraction, and as far as I remember she is never in a relationship with both Frank and Donald. When it’s clear that Frank is never going to divorce his wife, Margaret calls their affair quits. And she commits to her relationships, even if the men with whom she is involved don’t share her commitment. She sticks with Frank through countless empty promises, and Donald leaves her, not the other way around. (Also, I hate to say it, but “I know God exists because you exist” is quite a romantic line.)

Now for the on-topic stuff.

From the opening scene we see the impetus for the themes of Hawkeye’s sleepwalking and dreams. The episode opens with Hawkeye lamenting on the age of his patient. This isn’t the first time this has happened; he and Trapper had the whole “I’d swear this kid is really a kid” scene in “Sometimes You Hear the Bullet.” But Hawkeye seems especially worked up about this patient’s age, even countering Frank’s claim that their patients are proud soldiers by saying that they’re babies. So it makes sense that this fixation on the youth of these soldiers would lead to dreams about people from Hawkeye’s own childhood.

The youth of Hawkeye’s patient is further cemented in a later scene when Hawkeye is visiting with him in post-op. The patient hadn’t even heard of Korea before the war started. And when Hawkeye says that he’s from Crabapple Cove, the patient says that it sounds like a place where Winnie the Pooh hangs out. There’s something unnerving about a soldier talking about something as childish as Winnie the Pooh. It reminds you that he’s just a kid whose government forced him into this war.

The episode is full of little moments that show the care that the 4077th has for Hawkeye. When BJ sees him asleep in bed without a blanket, he puts a blanket over him. When Klinger and Radar catch him sleepwalking for the second night in a row, they very calmly and gently get him back to bed without waking him up. When Hawkeye wakes up Radar in the middle of the night because he’s desperate to check on a friend back home, Radar places the call without hesitation, and Colonel Potter asks Radar to call Sidney but does so discreetly because he doesn’t want Hawkeye to know. Even Frank kind of tries to offer comfort depending on how you look at it. I know Hawkeye doesn’t take comfort from Frank saying that there’s nothing in the dark that isn’t there in the light, but in the right circumstances I could see how that sentiment could be comforting to someone. (And I have a weakness for Potter saying “Anything I can do, son?” while putting his hand on Hawkeye’s back and then encouraging Hawkeye to lie down for a while.)

The episode has some good demonstrations of Hawkeye feeling like he has to be funny, whether the staff has imposed that expectation or whether he’s imposed it on himself. You have “Come on, don’t pull my leg. The shape I’m in, it’ll come off,” and he says “Frankly, I think I’m pregnant” when he’s talking to Margaret and BJ about his first nightmare. It could be humor as a coping mechanism or to keep up with his jokester expectations or perhaps both.

But I also think it’s interesting that when BJ says there’s no need to make such a big deal out of a little sleepwalking and one nightmare, Hawkeye agrees with him and says that he wouldn’t if it were happening to anyone else. But wouldn’t he? At this point Hawkeye has a history of treating traumatized patients with compassion and taking their trauma seriously, even if he doesn’t always understand the trauma. “Mad Dogs and Servicemen” is perhaps a bit of an exception, but that was mostly because he was trying to follow Sidney’s advice when Sidney couldn’t show up to talk to the patient himself, and behind that firmness I think he still cared about the patient, and he thought that the patient probably didn’t like him because of his treatment.

We get a taste of Hawkeye viewing his home and his childhood through rose-tinted glasses. He says that Toby Wilder was his best friend as a kid, but when he calls Toby to check on him after his nightmare, Toby only cares about the money that Hawkeye supposedly owes him. And then a few seasons later, Hawkeye talks about his love for his cousin Billy, who almost drowned him.

I love the way that the writing describes trauma without using medical or psychiatric terminology. When talking about his fear of going to sleep, Hawkeye says “It’s one thing to live in a shooting gallery, but now I’m being attacked from inside. […] How do I defend myself from myself?” And there’s the conversation between Potter and Radar after Potter has called Sidney, when Radar talks about the fight against the war. When Potter says that the jokes aren’t working anymore and Radar says that the other side is winning, it reminds me of Alan Alda saying that Hawkeye doesn’t fundamentally change but rather that his coping mechanisms stop working. And Hawkeye openly says that he’s scared. I always love when characters express their fear outright.

I love that Hawkeye and Sidney’s scene is framed as a conversation rather than a formal psychiatric appointment. Their friendship and mutual respect has been well established by this point, but this is the first extended scene of Hawkeye being a patient and Sidney being his therapist (we got a little of that in “O.R.” but not to this extent). Hawkeye is relieved that Potter called Sidney, and he quickly talks very candidly about his fear of falling asleep, and Sidney invites Hawkeye to share his own insight into his mental state without trying to twist Hawkeye’s words. “So you’ve been walking in your sleep. What do you think it means?” And as a bonus we get a taste of Sidney’s sense of humor with his “losing your marbles” joke.

I haven’t seen “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen” yet and won’t until the 28th, but from what I know about Hawkeye’s arc in that episode, there is some foreshadowing/reversal in this episode. In this episode Hawkeye is worried that he’s going crazy and eventually asks Sidney point blank if he is crazy, but in GFA (from my understanding) Hawkeye doesn’t think he needs help. In this episode Hawkeye tells Sidney that he’s very reassuring and that he has a great warside manner, but in GFA he calls Sidney a son of a bitch. I’ll definitely revisit this episode once I’ve seen GFA.

I also love and appreciate that Hawkeye’s sleepwalking and nightmares come from the trauma of the war without Hawkeye dreaming about the war itself. It’s a refreshing twist on war-related PTSD tropes. He dreams about childhood friends, and in the dreams they’re still children, and the dreams all end with the kids dying violently, and Sidney compares those dreams to the children that Hawkeye has had to operate on. And Sidney saying “But there’s a lot of suffering going on here, Hawkeye, and you can’t avoid it. You can’t even dream it away” is yet another indication of Hawkeye being fully, painfully aware of the war and another indication that Hawkeye is drowning in the war and cannot escape the totality of it.

So overall it’s a great episode that presents it subject matter authentically and in ways that ring true to the characters’ personalities.

#anyways. fucking love this episode #*#M*A*S*H

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carolsideblog · 4 years ago

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Undiagnosed Autism in Adults | Being Shamed for Special Interests

What is a Special Interest?

I’m 27 and I have autism.

Therefore, I have special interests. Generally speaking, in the context of the autistic spectrum disorder, a special interest is... just genuinely hard for me to describe or explain? Here are some links with definitions of special interests.

Autism Fandom Wikia

Ambitious About Autism

Amythest Schaber - Ask an Autistic, What are Special Interests?

Purple Ella - Autism & Special Interests

... long post ahead / cw for cussing and swearinig ...

The Comfort of my Special Interests

My special interests are things that I’m deeply passionate about and something that I latch onto, almost as a coping mechanism. I have a variety of special interests that shift in and out of focus through out the months in a year, but I could prattle on and ON AND ON for HOURS about any of them.

When I’m immersed in my current favorite special interest, I am over the moon. I feel productive, the world makes sense, I feel like my life makes sense, and I can calm down faster from a stressful, overwhelming day.

Adulthood and the Expectations of Neurotypicals

But in adulthood, it’s generally not seen as a mature thing for an old woman in her twenties to STILL be fucking talking about “dumb shit.” Shit that’s “bad,” shit that’s “problematic,” or shit that’s not for “my age group.”

I don’t fucking know what women in their late twenties are supposed to do. I’m not a sensible enough of an adult to know.

I also know very well that my shit is problematic, bad, and/or not for my age group. I probably researched 5 hours straight on my special interest for nearly a month when I discovered it. I know books, games and movies that I’ve taken a shine to forwards and backwards, I know deep-cut fandom jokes in different things I like, I know who created what and when.

But this isn’t impressive to anyone. To the rest of neurotypical society, one needs to have a bunch of light hearted little hobbies that you can switch too whenever you want because that’s “healthy.” It’s “not healthy” whatsoever (apparently) to STILL be talking about something that I love, because I’m an adult and I should have hobbies and I should have a job filing away things and writing data in spreadsheets like a good little working woman.

Or whatever, I don’t know.

Guilt, Shame and Stigma

I just... don’t understand why people shame people for the things that bring them joy, even if the things that bring them joy are objectively poor quality or badly made. The things I love make me happy, and they make me happy for lots of different reasons.

Some reasons include...

It was close to my childhood and I have a strong attachment to it

It was the lifeline I clung onto when I was going through a rough part of my life and the memories I have of it bring me comfort

I felt proud investing time in researching information, collecting memorabilia, and becoming an “expert” in that special interest

To me, my special interests were so important to my ability to cope, it got to the point where some parts of them became almost like an addition to my identity; my special interests are part of who I am and how I navigate the world. It might come from not really having a strong sense of self in the first place, I don’t know.

So when people scold me for still talking about my special interests, or make passive aggressive, off-hand comments about my special interests, or when they’re even out-right criticizing my special interests, (”It’s a bad book, it’s a bad game, the movie sucks,”)

Even if I know they’re right, it feels like an attack on me. It feels like they’re scolding me for liking the things I like. It feels like they’re criticizing me for liking something bad. It feels like they’re being passive aggressive and unfair because they don’t like me.

Rationally and logically I know this isn’t true. But it still feels like an emotional punch in the gut. It still feels like people are policing what I should and shouldn’t like. And it pisses me off and makes me ruminate.

An Open Letter to Neurotypicals

Hello, ally.

Life is hard. You and I both know that. But thankfully, there are loads of things in this world that can bring us joy. We have lots of things to keep us entertained, to socialize over, and to be passionate about.

But I get it: someone in your life keeps talking about that one thing all the time. Maybe you’re tired, maybe you’ve heard so much about this thing before, you’ve had enough or got bored. I dunno? But you’re tank is empty and you need a break, and that’s fair.

If for whatever reason your friend won’t shut up about something they really seem to love and it makes them happy... Be nice about it I guess?

If I could say anything to any neurotypical that I’ve spoken too in my lifetime right now, it’s this: be frank, honest, and straightforward. Don’t beat around the bush and don’t “drop hints.” Don’t always rely on people figuring it out for themselves. Just because things might come naturally to you doesn’t mean those same things come naturally to others. And this is okay, I only ask that you communicate clearly and honestly when you can.

If a topic is getting tiresome to you and you need a break, just tell them. Most of the time, it will be fine. When you’re up for it and wondering about a hobby or interest that someone told you about, bring it up with them again. It might brighten their day.

You don’t have to participate in the special interest of a friend if you don’t want too. Just be there for your friends, lend an ear if you can, and be supportive.

An Open Letter to the Neurodiverse

Hello, friend.

Don’t let people get you down about your special interests. If there’s something in this world that makes you passionate, that keeps you up at night because you’re so excited, that makes you rush to wake up because you want to do your Favorite Thing in the Entire World™, then please keep embracing that thing.

It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t fit the standards of neurotypicals. You don’t have to please people. If people are giving you a hard time because something makes you happy??? They’re probably not the right people to be around anyway. Someone in your life just kinda humoring you and you wish you had more? Same! But it’s okay. People who love you are listening as best they can, but please, I promise you if you keep looking, you will find your like-minded people and you will be able to find people to talk about your passions with.

If it makes you happy, if it brings you joy, if it brings you comfort, please don’t let that go if people keep nagging you for it. You have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for something that helps you cope, that keeps you grounded, that makes you happy.

Also know that as much love and joy and comfort that your special interest gives you... remember you are still a whole entire person. You can wear your special interest as apart of you if you feel that brings you the most honest and genuine comfort and joy, but just remember that you don’t need to be limited to just this one thing. You have full permission to also be anything else you want to be in addition to this special interest. This is not to scold or shame you, but this is to remind you that you are a valid, whole person, and you are allowed to transform however you want too.

Closing Ramblings and Musings

I’ve been really bothered by this.

Like I’ve been thinking about this a lot, on again and off again, since November.

Through out my life, people have made lots of comments about my hobbies and the things I like. Most of them negative.

From the music I like to listen too, the bands and groups I follow, to the books I loved to read, to the movies I like to watch, to the games I love to play. I have my own genuine criticism and critiques that I have for a variety of things that fall under my special interests. I’m passionate and thorough with my feedback because I love all of my special interests so much, and I know they could be better.

I have a lot of complex feelings and a lot of things to reconcile with my special interests. It’s so hard to grow up and start to learn and realize how... bad they are all. How problematic some are, how poor quality or laughably simple they all are. I can give you all of my different reasons for why I like them and I could tell you all day about how I know they’re all bad... but I know some of the things I love are just laughing stocks and punching bags in pop culture to the neurotypical society.

But I can’t just let them go. That’s what I couldn’t stop thinking about in November and December. I really just couldn’t let these things go. For personal reasons, for nostalgia reasons, for coping reasons. I love these things. And I carry a lot of guilt and frustration with myself because I can’t let these things go. I can’t just switch to new fandoms, new books, new movies, new groups. At least, maybe not yet. I don’t know.

I just don’t know. I want to reclaim the parts I love but I know that It’s not a real solution. There’s such a major divide between the special interests I love and what I actually believe in and stand for. They directly conflict with each other and it’s frustrating and complicated.

I really don’t know how to close this post, to be honest. This post won’t solve the problem I have. It won’t explain to the people who scolded me for my special interest, it won’t make them understand or forgive me about why I keep talking about a stupid book with a bad premise, it won’t make them understand why I have “bad taste” or why a 27 year old woman won’t shut up about something largely assumed “meant for kids.”

This was just to vent and maybe lend hope to people feel the same way or have the same struggles.

#autism #special interests #autism special interest #neurodiversity #neurodivergence #rant #guilt #frustration #stigma #adults with autism #autistic adults #autistic blogger #female autism #autistic woman

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violexides · 4 years ago

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The DreamSMP Explained (By Someone Who Has Never Watched Any DreamSMP Stream)

cracks knuckles. okay, fucking FINALLY doing this. ahem.

Couple things to preface with, will keep this brief.

This isn’t entirely blind. One of my best friends has helped out in places, just because I wanted to hit on everything (accurate or not), and I know mutuals/friends who post and write about DreamSMP (though how much of that is AU or canon-typical, I can’t say. I can’t tell). I’ve never seen a single stream, but I’ve seen a few clips. So, my understanding is a bit more than the title may imply, but still not a lot. Sorry.

Also, this will be very, very long (near 2k words). All under the cut, will TW this with themes of abuse, death, manipulation, unreality, hallucinations, and me having an abrasive sense of humor where I revel in the glee of calling these guys European twinks. Though, speaking of. This is ALL about the actual characters, not the people. I don’t know anything about most of these actual streamers, so, no hate to them. In fact, I think they’re pretty cool for having come up with a… somewhat coherent… narrative, all through using Minecraft as a medium. Anyway.

Sigh. Without further ado,

So. There’s this place. Made by Philza, AKA God, AKA one of like six different gods. Philza, born from the womb acting like someone’s 43 year old uncle, has three kids. Wilbur, Tommy, and Tubbo. There are other people here, with some scattered ancestry that raises some questions, but I don’t really care who fucked an Enderman and had an 8’0 tall kid (Ranboo DNI).

There are also places! Sometimes! On a good day, there are actual, intact locations. We’ve got hits like “The Badlands”, which I think was taken from about three different dystopian novels I read in third grade, “El Rapids” (Quackity, Subpoena (autocorrect wins this round), and Karl made this one), “Pogtopia”, no comment on this one, and “L’Manberg”, which Wilbur made.

Only one of these is going to be important.

So, might be a good time to say this: I don’t know what the inciting incident of DreamSMP is? I don’t know what was the catalyst for all this shit, but I’m going to take a guess and say Wilbur blowing up L’Manberg had something to do with it.

… That’s going to be a pattern, by the way. Just. Stick with me here.

So, Wilbur is an older child who read the Hamlet parts in literature class and can only cope by ripping down the very creations he has and taking the entire world down with him to hell. Which is to say, he throws a pity party after Jschlatt (some bitch who abused Quackity, that’s another trend, yippee) wins an election and decides to blow up the fucking kingdom and kill Jschlatt.

Little does Wilbur know, the devil may work fast, but Jschlatt getting a fucking stroke and dying out of nowhere works faster.

I’m not kidding. He gets a stroke, he dies, and Tubbo takes over. I’ve tried to puzzle out the government structure of DreamSMP for a while and have drawn zero conclusions. In any case, Wilbur also tells Philza, his… father…, to kill him. And Philza fucking does? For some reason, like, holy shit.

Anyway. Wilbur is now a ghost. So is Jschlatt. The… life system, on this server, is really strange and I don’t know how to fully explain it. Just know that nothing has permanence here.

I’m going to throw this out here because I don’t know when it’s relevant, but I wrote down something about Karl being in a place called the In Between. I don’t know how the hell he got there or what the hell he’s doing. This might be where the discs are? I can’t explain the discs. I… think they are fighting over the discs? Don’t know why, Wilbur makes music himself, I feel like you have enough to go around.

(Stream Saline Solution it reminds me of my best friend only if you want okay thx)

L’Manberg gets blown up again. This time, Techno did it. He did it just after giving this speech about Theseus, which, jokes aside-- the writing of DreamSMP is actually really good. That was all done on improv, and I did watch an animatic with some of the audio from it, and damn. I’m a whore for metaphor and I love this for him.

This happens, and Ranboo and Tommy decide to do a little hehe and burn down George’s house. Who is George? Good question: a king. Of what? Good question: call me the antithesis of a Ranboo kinnie and get me some discs because I hear no answers.

Dream gets pissed off by this (who gave him authority, I don’t know) and builds a wall. He for some reason decides that if Tommy, and only Tommy, breaks some rules, the wall will stay up forever. So, naturally, Tommy immediately yells at him, and Tubbo gets pissed (what happened to the whole, who are you without me, yourself, thing?). Dream exiles him, which is bad enough, but then Dream burns down his house, so now he’s double exiled.

Dream kins Julius Caesar but Julius Caesar does not kin Dream and I think that’s important.

(It had to be important enough for me to literally go back and edit this in, for no reason, because I think I’m really fucking hilarious.)

Techno takes in Tommy and shows him his super secret cave of evil, which Tommy promptly screams at. Philza and Ranboo visit sometimes, but mostly Tommy just sits there. Dream says “fuck you” to Techno, but Techno decides to wage war on L’Manberg, so Quackity and co. come over to try and kill Techno, but Techno kills Quackity with a pickaxe, but Quackity has three lives for some reason, and then Dream blames Ranboo for blowing something up for literally zero reason, and can you tell how tired I am.

Ranboo sees a smiley face in his notebook and zones the fuck out while Dream tries to kill… Tommy? No, Tubbo. No, fuck, no it was Tommy. I don’t know why people suddenly care about it n- NO, NO IT WAS TUBBO, he is TRYING to kill TUBBO.

I hate Europeans.

Ahem. Dream goes to jail, but he has books in jail, which is a horrible idea. Everyone knows that if you give a war criminal some novels he’ll accidentally haunt someone else’s dreams and launch psychological warfare with the prison guard, Sam, who has zero idea what he’s doing because he probably didn’t sign up for this.

Also, I’m gonna say this here because I don’t know when it will fit in. There’s this place. Called… the Egg. Now, I don’t know what goes on in the Egg. I don’t know what the Egg is. I don’t know who decided to name all these fucking things, because I think the Egg is just a box made of bedrock. I think Ranboo hallucinates about it, but Ranboo hallucinates about everything so I’m not really sure. I’m going to call it here and say that this is probably a bad sign.

People are trying to talk to Dream. First BadBoyHalo, who gives Ranboo this little note from Dream with a smiley face. Or maybe that was SapNap. Either way, Ranboo hallucinates seeing Dream, and then actually sees Dream but he thinks he’s hallucinating? I don’t know.

Then we get Tommy. Basically he kind of comes in here and Sam, being a good prison guard, allows Dream to beat Tommy to death and then revive him (don’t ask about the revivals just pretend it makes sense please). He tells Tommy he’s also going to revive Wilbur which Tommy isn’t a big fan of, considering that Wilbur, uh. Vague hand gestures. You get the schtick. Hopefully. I don’t know.

Anyway. Uh. Quackity loses his shit, also.

As in he talks to Jschlatt, the ghost of his abusive husband. Makes a deal-- if Quackity here loses, he revives Jschlatt. I don’t know what the winning conditions are, but, thankfully, they don’t matter because Quackity loses damn near instantly.

So he goes to Dream and Sam gives him really powerful gear for no reason. Dream is a bit terrified by this situation, and Quackity is like “give me the fucking book”, and then we never find out what happens because Quackity ends up covered in blood about to blow up El Rapids. I hadn’t expected to mark Quackity off on the demolitionist bingo, but hey, all’s fair I guess. My next bets are on Tubbo or whichever bitch became god of the sea.

(I also made a joke to my friend about me kinning Quackity (the character not the streamer could you fucking imagine), to which they said “you’d torture someone for information”? So. I guess Dream, uh. Hm. That explains why Quackity was bloodied. Uh. Oops. Don’t know why he’s playing Poker, though.)

So, for my sanity, as we come to a close, I’m going to start listing lore details that I don’t know nearly enough about but are probably important. Just… bullet point them. Might be a bit tacky of me but I have shit to do, dammit. By that I mean, I don’t have shit to do, but I’ve had this doc open for literally 1-2 weeks and I just want to be freed.

List Of Other Shit That Happened:

Ranboo started an arg, so there’s a character named Z now. Can’t believe the kid I knew in middle school who didn’t know where the Middle East was made it into the dreamSMP omg!

Tubbo did something immoral, and we still don’t know who his dad is. By we, I mean me.

Eret exists. That’s all I’ve got for this one. They’re important. Probably.

Karl hallucinated six versions of himself and left the In Between to go to hell. (Lil Nas X girlboss gaslight gatekeep in this motherfucker!!!)

Ranboo and Tubbo got married because taxes exist </3

More on this last point: they opened a hotel, despite Tubbo being a king, and Tommy got mad at them for getting engaged without his permission. But Tommy was literally dead when they had the wedding so I’m not exactly sure what he was expecting. Either way, he’s fine with it now.

Kids getting adopted oh shit oh fuck. Also, mpreg is canotical. Make this what you will.

DreamXD is a god now. I don’t know who DreamXD is. I don’t think anybody else does either.

I’m like 60% sure George is dead.

I’m like 60% sure Philza is immortal.

Going through my ‘notes’ to make sure I didn’t miss anything and I’m just getting more confused, so I think I’m going to call it here. Props to everyone in the dreamSMP for creating kickass lore, I would not summarize any of it ever again if you held me at fucking gunpoint, and thanks to my mutuals/friends for letting me ask a lot of really stupid questions as I try to puzzle this out. And also, another thanks to you all for reading this. I hope to God this was funny.

I really, really, really fucking hope that Tumblr doesn’t cut this off for a long character count. This is longer than some of my fucking oneshots. My God. This was so fun, don’t get me wrong, but I also want a hit of a candy cigarette. Make it two, actually. Or three. All at once.

Anyway. Drink some water, stay safe, and remember that statistically speaking, 100% of people with a name starting with “T” need to put down the Greek mythology books and learn about the ethics behind pyromania. Goodbye, Theseus.

#dreamsmp #mcyt #FINALLY. FINALLY. FINALLY.#i have been sitting on this for literally two weeks i hope to god it's funny #phea (friend) said that they chortled at some parts so i guess that's good #sorry to my mutuals who do not care about this #dreamsmp is actually really neat though ngl i'm invested from a distance #also if this is funny i might start making more posts like #[] summarized without knowing about it #because my number one hobby is getting invested into things i know nothing about and continue to know nothing about #i feel like this is overwhelming hhh f/ck #anyway. this is all i think #god help you if you decide to read this

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howtowhumpyourhiccup · 4 years ago

Text

Winter Whumperland Day 11: Vows

Summary: Written for Winter Whumperland Day 11. Set in a Modern AU, follows up on Day 10 'Ruin'. During the months after his son's disappearance, Stoick has trouble coping and finds himself lost in memories.

Warning: /

Rating: Teen and up

Characters: Stoick, Gobber, Valka, Hiccup, Fishlegs, Dagur, Astrid, Heather, Snotlout, Ruffnut, Tuffnut

Pairing: Past-Hiccstrid

Words: 4 006

Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon

Prompt: “Falling Through Ice”

Whumpee: Hiccup, Stoick, Gobber, Valka

Author’s Notes: Okay, so believe it or not, I did finish this one waaay back in December. But I didn't want to post it until I finished Day 12, which then turned out to be so long I needed to divide it into two parts. Day 12 part 2 still isn't finished yet, but after much too long, I did finally have the energy to get through proofreading this one.

So there you have it, here's Day 11 at long last!

Constructive criticism is appreciated.

Enjoy!

Ao3

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It’s through a call in the late morning that Stoick received the news. He was sleeping in for once, something he rarely does as he enjoys waking up early in the morning to get the most work out of a day.

That day, he slept in and it was the ringtone of the smartphone Hiccup made him get that woke him up. He grabbed it and sat up before he answered tiredly.

“Yes?”

“Mr. Haddock, sir?” He recognized the voice as belonging to that of Astrid Hofferson, his son’s girlfriend.

“Yes, lass?” He rubbed in his heavy eyes. How did sleeping in longer make him more than waking up with the sun did?

“We think something’s happened with Hiccup. We think he’s missing.”

It was news Stoick never thought he would ever get to hear and he would’ve thought it a prank, if it wasn’t for the tremble in the girl’s voice. Astrid has always seemed tough to him and a terrible liar, like Hiccup. That was genuine emotion in her tone.

That was how he found out his son was missing.

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In the beginning, there was a fire driving Stoick forwards.

When his son’s friends called to tell him that they hadn’t seen or heard from Hiccup in a worryingly amount of time when he should’ve been taking his dragon home, Stoick was quick to come over.

He met with the five and the dragon, the one Hiccup was supposed to return to the sanctuary he had escaped from just to see his human companion.

He’d gotten their stories in person, spent another couple of hours trying to reach Hiccup, then searched the places he could’ve possibly gone to, even visiting Gobber and calling Valka, neither of which had seen a sign of him either. After a whole night wasted on trying to reach him, Stoick finally went to the police.

The friends had to do their story again, they were taken seriously, Stoick provided with a description and a picture, it was on the news, posters were printed and posted, it was a whole process, but they were fired up and stubborn in bringing him home.

Then days passed with no real news, then weeks, and then months of nothing. Nothing but sick minds who get some sort of kick out prank calling a worried father and grieving friends and girlfriend.

Stoick went out there himself to search for his son. The coffee shop he worked at, his street, the neighboring streets, he searched the entire city for just a single sign of Hiccup. And if he thought the police wasn’t doing enough, he’d hound them into doing more.

In the beginning, there was no short supply of spirit in his desire to find Hiccup, but now it’s been months and he feels like he’s already running on fumes.

He’s not going to stop, he’s never going to stop, but there are days where he can only sit on the couch in a darkened room and nothing more.

It doesn’t help that the holidays are fast approaching and all they do now is add to his sour mood. If Hiccup isn’t found soon, this’ll be his first without his son and that does not sit well with Stoick at all.

But anyway, Gobber is here, too.

“You know, Stoick, you scowl any more, you’re going to scare even me away.” Gobber jokes with him, attempting to lighten the mood with a light joke. The two have been silently and mindlessly watching whatever crosses their way, hoping to chase away any and all thought as they bring them both nothing but pain.

Gobber is heartbroken, too, jokes and faith in their son’s stubbornness used to help him cling to the hope that they’ll see him again.

At first, it was the hope that they’ll see him again soon, nowadays it’s the hope that they’ll see him again someday, whether dead or alive. Because Gobber isn’t a fool, he knows the first few days are very crucial in a missing person’s case, especially the first 24 hours. Isn’t that what those cop shows always claim? Hiccup has already been gone for months.

He wasn’t able to do much in the beginning. When it came to searching for Hiccup out there on the street and surrounding forests, he was only able to come along for so much with a leg and an arm missing. But with jokes, by talking with Stoick, or just keeping him company, he can help the man be less alone in his suffering.

Stoick hasn’t left the house in days, has stopped returning Valka’s call, and Gobber thinks that’s an alarming thing. The last thing his friend needs is to cut himself off from his family and Hiccup’s friends.

Taking his glare off the tv, which he isn’t paying attention to, anyway, Stoick instead scowls at Gobber.

“Do you truly think that I am in the mood for jokes, Gobber?” He asks, not all that happy to deal with Gobber’s attempt at humor, to say the least.

“Only for tasteful ones!” Gobber replies, his cheer still very much intact. Or that’s what he wants Stoick and those friends of Hiccup’s to believe.

Wordlessly, Stoick looks back at the tv. Apparently, they’ve been watching a channel about DIYs, a chair is being constructed in the current program. He hadn’t even noticed before.

Gobber sighs and looks back at the tv, the living room bathing in darkness except for the light from the screen. Once upon a time, he could at least annoy Stoick into interacting with him, now he can’t even accomplish that anymore.

And if he can’t reach Stoick… Well, it does little good for his own mental health.

Though usually a man that likes a clean house, Stoick has really been letting the place go as there are dishes and cans and filth everywhere. Not that Gobber can fault him for that as his own housekeeping isn’t what it used to be, though it’s always been on the messy side.

Stoick hadn’t wanted to see him either, further backing up his worries that his friend is isolating himself from the outside world. It’s only because Gobber insisted by pushing right past him and forced his way into the home that he isn’t alone now.

Gazing at the silent man, he wonders what he’s thinking now.

Stoick is thinking of Hiccup, for sure, he always is these past months. He shuts himself off to avoid the media, to avoid people who will recognize him from the tireless interviews, to avoid being bothered, running into Astrid or any of her and Hiccup’s friends, or coming across any reminders of his son. Gobber guesses those are the reasons that Stoick no longer goes outside and he only wishes the other would let him in.

Gobber’s assumption couldn’t be more right. In his attempt to hide and stop his endless thoughts and worrying, all Stoick does is think and fret and tear himself apart for his failure.

As a father, he’s supposed to protect his child, that has been his duty from the day he and Valka decided to expand their family. He followed through on this while Valka was pregnant with their son, he held him as soon as he could after birth and promised him that he wouldn’t know a single day of strive, and he tried and tried every single day of the boy’s short lived life to make it come true.

Now look where his incompetence has left him, left Hiccup.

And before this, there were at least two more times when he felt, and was, absolutely useless.

The second time was when a dragon attacked his son, scarred his back, and mangled his leg so badly it had to be taken.

The very first, it was during a snowy winter when his son was 12-years-old and that is the particular moment he’s thinking of now.

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“Be careful!” He remembers warning his son that cold afternoon as his friends had come to ask him outside to play, which is slowly devolving into “hanging out” as they age. Not a bad idea, Valka had convinced him and she was still his wife at the time.

Hiccup was a young boy with plenty of friends, he should make use of his childhood while he still can before the inevitable responsibilities of life will whisk him away. He should enjoy himself, that is what Valka said to convince him to let Hiccup outside.

Back then, Oswald, a good friend of Stoick’s, was still alive. Back then, Dagur was still a good boy and Heather was a young girl full of life, who didn’t need to struggle to make ends meet following the loss of her father and her brother’s troubles.

But Stoick knew there was something off about the boy from the beginning. Dagur was too reckless for his tastes, always seeking trouble in some way, never listening to his father. That day, it was Hiccup he dragged down with him.

It was Fishlegs who suddenly stood on his front porch, twiddling his thumbs uncertainly and timidly staring at the ground. Apparently, Astrid had sent him, as Stoick would later find out. She’s always been a smart girl, a girl who doesn’t like to break rules and listens to her parents.

“Um, Mr. Haddock, sir? I think Hiccup’s about to get in a lot of trouble.” For any kid at any age, tattling on your friends never feels good and it doesn’t help that Stoick is so big and scary. The 11-year-old never understood how Hiccup was never scared of him. But Astrid had made him go while she stayed, believing she needed to keep an eye on what she thought was a situation about to get really out of hand.

Tearing their coats off the rack, he and Valka left quickly, the boy guiding them towards the local lake in a forest just outside of town.

They would find that Dagur was the biggest troublemaker in this situation. A much older boy, he’d followed his sister when she left with Astrid.

“Come on, Hiccup! You’re not scared like they are, are you? Get over here!” That was unmistakably young Dagur’s voice that they heard as they approached the lake. Whatever he was hounding their son to do, it couldn’t be anything good.

“Hiccup!” Stoick called out to him the second he spotted him, seeing his small frame on a frozen lake nobody has cleared for use yet and there he was.

Dagurr stood in the middle of it, arms crossed and an impatient look on his face. That is, until he saw the angry and mountainous dad of his target at the banks of the lake together with Hiccup’s mom. And suddenly, he felt like fleeing, having been caught red-handed.

“Mo-Mom? Dad?” Hiccup looked back at his parents, his face and posture betraying that his position isn’t one he put himself in as willingly as it first appeared.

Dagur had been bullying the younger kids, daring them into getting on the ice like he dared to. Kids don’t like to be challenged this way, they don’t like to be made to feel like they can’t do something, like they’re afraid and being afraid makes them a coward. Nobody wants to be seen as anything but brave. But Hiccup, he merely wanted to “prove himself” to end this charade and convince him to get off.

Ruffnut, Tuffnut, Snotlout, Astrid, and Heather, too, looked uncomfortable with the situation. They knew it was bad, even the first three who are troublemakers themselves.

“Hiccup, come on! Come back!” Astrid shouted towards him, but he was too stubborn to leave, still waiting on Dagur to get off the ice first.

He wasn’t ready to give up on him yet, not even with his own well-being on the line. He cared too much about others, he has always cared too much. Three years in the future, it might contribute to Dagur’s future obsession with him. His mother has left him, his father would, too, then, but Hiccup hadn’t.

Looking away from his terrified parents to gaze back at Dagur again, he shuffles ever closer while trembling in fright. He can hear and feel the lake cracking in warning beneath his feet.

“Dagur, I’m-I’m-I’m here-I’m here now, can we-can we go back?” He asked with a tremble and tears of stress in his eyes. He wanted to go back so badly, but he refused to go alone.

“Um-” The older boy’s bravado from before was entirely gone, his gaze moved from Hiccup to his father nervously.

“Yes, you two can! And you better come back quickly! Dagur, your father will hear of this!” Stoick couldn’t hear the ice straining, but that didn’t make him any less urged to get those two boys on solid ground.

“Dagur!” Heather shouts, sniffing.

“Dagur, please, you’re only putting yourself in danger! Come back to shore and everything will be okay.” Valka took a less consequential stance, something Stoick looked at her in disagreement for.

“Oh-okay,” Dagur quietly replied, spooked by Hiccup’s parents, and shuffled his way cautious off the lake.

It was only then, when he saw Dagur safely on the banks, that Hiccup could breathe easy and return, too.

“And now you, my brave boy, come here!” Valka stretched her hands out, causing him to smile.

Stoick didn’t plan on being as encouraging as his wife was being, fuming. Their 12-year-old was recklessly risking his life and for what? If he wants to be a hero, he should do it without endangering himself as well.

“I’m-I’m coming!” Hiccup called back, happy that he no longer needed to be here.

But as his luck would have it, just like he will somehow attract the attention of two obsessed men in a span of only three years, he had to be the one to fall through the ice.

Slowly, he moved closer to his friends and parents, the thin layer of ice under his feet cracking beneath his feather-light weight. No matter how much he moved from the spot, the cracks followed him and they grew bigger and they multiplied quickly. He was so scared, dying to reunite with his parents again. They were right there and yet so far away.

And then it breaks and he sinks into the freezing water below with a shriek that is cut short.

“Hiccup!” Everyone shouted as they watched him disappear.

Stoick will remember this incident as one of the worst moments in his entire life. Nothing in any of his 45 years of life will ever come close, not until his son loses his leg and fights for his life in the hospital, not until some faceless stranger kidnapped him for reasons Stoick never wants to know.

He couldn’t traverse the ice to go get him, it would’ve never been able to hold his weight if it couldn’t hold Hiccup’s. All he was able to do, all any of them were able to do, was watch in fear as Hiccup cried and clawed and struggled to get out.

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Somehow that incident ended well. Somehow Hiccup managed to pull himself back up on slightly thicker ice than the parts that kept breaking on him. He got far enough away from the hole that someone could pull him the rest of the way. Once he was pulled back, Stoick and Valka enclosed him in their arms, his tiny and wet body cold in their embrace.

Neither of them have ever forgotten that day and it’s all Stoick can think about now. He can still hear Hiccup’s voice.

“Mom! Dad!” He’d cried for their help, something he has rarely ever done growing up. No matter how many problems may pile and pile, Hiccup has always wanted to solve things himself before he called in any sort of help. It’s probably why, after recovering from his amputation, he wanted to pull Toothless out of his guilt.

Stoick wonders if that was what had gotten him kidnapped. There are plenty of stories of people pretending to be hurt or in distress just to lure in unsuspecting good-natured people. If anybody could fall for such a scam, it would be Hiccup. Every part of his mind could be telling him that this person was up to no good and he would still act on that small, small “what if this person truly is in trouble?”

Is that what got him kidnapped? What got him... killed? Was Hiccup simply too pure of heart and did someone take advantage of that to snuff out his light?

After the lake incident, they drove him to the hospital as fast as they could and they found out he was okay. The doctor there told them he would be just fine and that they just needed to keep him warm and dry until his temperature was back up. After that, they could take him home with them.

He hadn’t lost consciousness, he didn’t seem to have swallowed or breathed in too much water, they could be almost certain that he was entirely okay.

As for his parents, however, they were never quite the same after that accident. Once Hiccup was dry, Stoick held his shivering son to him and vowed to him that he would never let anything happen to him ever again.

It’s a vow he broke twice.

Hiccup bounces back from pretty much anything thrown at him. After his fall, he would sneak out to play when his parents would much rather have him home with them. And though he wouldn’t go back on a frozen lake again, he’d still go out swimming with his friends.

During his divorce with Valka, though it was a painful time for all of them, he seemed to understand why it needed to happen and adjusted quickly. Even when asked if he thought badly of his parents months after it was finalized, he’d told them “no”, that it was better this way.

When a dragon went and bit his leg off, Hiccup went on to not only see the darn thing again, but he made friends with it and decided to fully dedicate his life to dragonkind. At 15, he wasn’t sure yet where he wanted his life to go, not until that accident.

Again and again, Stoick promised his son that nothing would ever happen to him after this. He held him in the hospital after his birth as he promised, then a second time after the lake, then a third time as he held his hand just before the surgery that would take his leg. Chances are, he will never get to promise him a fourth time.

Sitting on the couch, not paying attention to the tv and wasting away, there are tears in his eyes. Never much of an emotional man, Stoick doesn’t feel like he can stop them.

Strictly statistically speaking, the chances of a missing person ever being found alive, or even found at all, dwindles by the day and Hiccup has been gone since early June.

It’s December now.

The horrendous theories from the police don’t help either. Some even dare to put the blame on Hiccup, insinuating that his death, not his vanishing, but his death , might’ve been caused by a crime of passion. 19 years old, handsome, tall, capable, who isn’t to say he’s been cheating on his girlfriend and either she or the mistress found out? Naturally, that meant Astrid was a suspect at some point, too.

Stoick remembers seeing her after an interrogation once. Her parents came to pick her up at the same time he’d come to the station to demand an update.

She’d been distraught, face red and eyes bloodshot. Hiccup was her boyfriend of a year, her childhood friend, and they’d accused her of killing him over something like that. While cheating is no trivial matter, it’s not something she would kill over. Besides that, everyone who knew Hiccup also knows that he would’ve never done such a thing to her in the first place.

Then they settled for the most likely culprit, which was Dagur.

Stoick won’t lie, it felt good to finally hear from the police that they got him and that he would answer for his crimes, but that only lasted for… what? A day? Two days? A week at most? The relief ended quickly because the question of what happened to Hiccup remains unanswered to this day and Dagur stubbornly persists that he’s “getting better”, that he “would never hurt Hiccup”. And frankly, a part of Stoick seems to believe the young man.

Gods, why didn’t he just let him go live with Valka to study dragons? He wouldn’t have needed to move out and gotten an apartment deeper in their town. He would’ve already been living in the sanctuary if he did.

Or maybe the sanctuary was part of the problem. It’s not exactly a car ride away, you need to take the ferry there. So perhaps, part of the reason why he didn’t let Hiccup study dragons, he now realizes, is because he didn’t want him to go so far away.

How ironic, then, that someone decided to take him away anyway when he wasn’t looking. As if someone knew of Stoick’s inability to let go of his only child and thought that they should be the one to make him.

This never would’ve happened if he let Hiccup do as he wished. On the sanctuary, surrounded by dragons who know and love him, where Valka is, he would’ve been perfectly safe. Stoick may as well have asked someone to kidnap him.

It’s a painful thought and a tear falls, but Stoick doesn’t fight the guilt that he feels. This is all his fault. If he didn’t constantly break his vow to keep his child safe, Hiccup would still be here.

Gobber can read every self-deprecating thought on his old friend’s face, can see the tears, and sighs deeply before he looks back at the tv. On the channel they’re watching, they’re now installing some plumbing on a different program.

He wishes he could take the hurt away, wishes he could say something, but everything that can possibly be said he’s already said.

“Everything’s going to be okay, Stoick.”

“They’ll find him, Stoick.”

“Hiccup’s a strong and smart lad, Stoick”.

He’s sick of repeating himself. He doesn’t even believe his own words, so why should he continue to spout these lies? To a grieving father especially?

Hiccup is smart and he is strong, but does that mean he could still be alive today?

The will to comfort his friend quickly abates in the face of his own doubts and loss, Gobber feels like he may as well follow Stoick’s example and waste away alongside him. What else is left for him to do?

Just then, Stoick’s phone rings.

Snapping them both of their contemplation, Stoick picks it up and looks at the caller’s ID. It’s Astrid, the poor lass. He doesn’t feel like talking to her, but then, he also didn’t feel like letting Gobber in, so he answers the call.

“Astrid, lass?” He acknowledges her, hand rubbing in his eyes.

His eyes widen suddenly and he shoots up from the couch, startling Gobber in the process.

“Stoick?” He wonders what’s gotten him so riled up and so out of nowhere. What could Astrid possibly be telling him?

“Yes, I’m still here. Thank you for telling me, lass, I’m coming. Please, tell him that when he wakes up.” Eventually, after what felt like much too long of a call to Gobber, Stoick hangs up the phone and stares at him with that same wide-eyed look he can’t quite place. The tears are still there, they’re still falling, so what is that expression telling him?

“What is it, man?! Don’t keep me waiting, spit it out!” He demands, throwing his remaining hand up in growing frustration.

“They found him, Gobber. They found my son.”

Perhaps, Stoick can still make good on that vow.

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obscurecharactershowdown · 1 year ago

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Round 5

[image ID: the first image is of Oopsy Bear, a green care bear. on his stomach is a drawing of a red heart, a smiling yellow star, and several colorful lines behind the star implying it's soaring through the "sky". the second image is of No Significant Harassment, a shadowy figure standing behind a sleeping pink-red, fox-like creature. their green hands seem to be holding up the floating creature. end ID]

Oopsy Bear

HE IS MY FAVORITE CARE BEAR AND NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT HIM BECAUSE HE WAS ONLY IN ONE ITERATION OF THE FRANCHISE AND THEN THEY NEVER SHOWED HIM AGAIN. I love him so much it’s unreal he’s just a sweet little guy he’s clumsy and doesn’t have any belly badge powers like the other bears… His tummy is blank and he DRAWS ON IT he will give himself different silly belly badges. He’s also besties with a robot that used to be working for the villain. Please. Please. Please. Please

No Significant Harassment

They're just a silly little guy. A jokester. Significant harassment if you will. Anyway, a more in depth run down: They're a city sized supercomputer built by a Buddhist adjacent society to figure out how to transcend the 'Great Cycle' (semi-metaphorical cycle of death and rebirth) in a safer way than the previous method (submerging oneself in the 'void sea' which is a mysterious golden liquid that dissolves whatever it touches). Despite being built for this express purpose NSH never really shows a pressing interest in ascension, even cracking jokes about those who are still looking for a solution. Whether this is due to indifference, dislike of, or humor to cope with being unable to ascend is not clear and really up to interpretation. Example: NSH: I wish them super good luck in that endeavor. How is it going to happen? Have the overseers gnaw through bedrock until their entire can crashes down in the void sea? BSM: Please be respectful when speaking of the Void Sea. Grey Wind, where did you hear this? CW: I really shouldn't say. He's going to attempt some sort of breeding program. Thought you might want to know. NSH: Haha with the slimers, lizards and etceteras? Surely the answer was in a lizard skull all along! He's very flippant, but does care very intensely for those close to him. NSH: Moon? It's me again. NSH: I do not know if you are receiving these. Please signal in any way you can. NSH: I need to talk to you. I need to know you're okay. NSH: … NSH: Its difficult for us to assist you over this distance. NSH: Even more difficult for us to do anything in the midst of these tantrums. NSH: Were going to try everything that we can. NSH: Just hold on a little longer. (Context for previous convo: They genetically engineered a super organism of a slugcat (the species you play as in Rain World) to help reset his coworker/sibling after her collapse and restart her systems. He was so desperate to fix her that he accidentally messed up the slugcat's (Hunter) genetic code and as a result it became riddle with the Rot (relatively similar to aggressive cancer) :( which parallels his other coworker/siblings condition who also has the rot. ) He canonically uses he/they pronouns too! Nonbinary swag! NSH has major internet troll vibes. He has sent a data pearl of "something distasteful" to his neighbors on several(?) occasions and causes chaos. If he had access to the wider internet he'd probably be an influencer So…yeah! Vote NSH this website likes the allure of heavy machinery and stuff like that so… there you go. Kind of a blorbo. End post.

#obscurecharactershowdown #obscure poll #round 5 #oopsy bear #care bears #no significant harassment #rain world

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therobishow · 3 years ago

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I think I'm done with podcasts made by men

I love listening to podcasts while I work. Especially ones related to history, film, and literature.

And damn near every time I try listening to ones that are made by men, I end up hitting a point where I have to stop listening and switch to something else. There's always a point where they say something that is so ignorant, blatantly sexist, etc., that I just can't take it.

Often times it's the host buying into a very male-centered lens of interpreting whatever it is they're discussing. And, you know, that's kind of expected. They're men. They're viewing things as men. I get that and I'm usually willing to just roll my eyes and move on. But then it keeps happening, or gets much worse than what can be excused by simple ignorance. And then I can't just roll my eyes anymore. I just want to start yelling. And that's not a good energy to have while I'm trying to do my job. So I switch over to something else.

A good example of this happened today. I was listening to a podcast called History by Hollywood. I found it because I'm a huge fan of History Buffs on Youtube. Comparing historical fiction to the actual history is fascinating to me. I love learning about the real event and how it's translated into fiction. But...it got bad. Real fucking bad.

Now, I can't place all the blame on the creators of HbH. They had guests who do a podcast that I think is called Green Screen, which discusses films through an environmental lens. And I definitely will not be listening to that podcast after hearing them today.

The episode was about Gorillas in the Mist, which is biopic about Dr. Dian Fossey. If you don't know who Dian Fossey is, look her up. She was one of the group known as the Trimates, sometimes called Leakey's Angels. The group consisted of three women who were expert primatologists: Birute Galdikas, who studied orangutans; Jane Goodall, possibly the most well known of the three, who studied chimpanzees; and Fossey herself, who studied gorillas. I would love to write hundreds of pages about how awesome and unbelievably badass these women are/were. Seriously, learn about these women if you haven't already. They are amazing.

Anyway, the episode was about Dr. Fossey. My first issue is that, despite her PhD, they never once referred to her with her proper title. This is upsettingly common with women who have earned doctorates. Men never want to call them Doctor. It frustrates me to no end. But that's not nearly the worst of it. They went on to discuss how she became pregnant twice during her time in Rwanda. She chose to abort both pregnancies because she did not want pregnancy or motherhood to interfere with her work with the gorillas. One of the GS guys commented on this saying "I suppose her reasons could be considered valid." Um, excuse me? First of all, why do you think that you get to decide whether or not she had valid reasons? You don't. Second, of course her reasons are valid. Whatever a woman's reasons are for having an abortion are valid. She's the only one who gets to make that decision. So fuck right off with that. Sorry for getting a bit heated here, but that really pissed me off. There was no need for a comment like that. Especially since it makes it sound like he doesn't actually think her reasons are valid, but is scared of catching heat so tried to sugarcoat it.

Moving on, TW: rape, they also got into the fact that Dr. Fossey stated that she was repeatedly raped by soldiers in 1966 over the course of two weeks. People freaking love to claim that this is "disputed" or "exaggerated" and some go as far as to claim that it was an outright lie. Why? Because she originally claimed that she was treated well and then escorted to the border. Later on, she admitted that she was actually beaten and raped. I'm not going to delve too far into this because a) this post is already way longer than I intended, and b) I will get SO MAD. For the sake of brevity, I'm just going to say that I believe that she was raped, and that she initially lied because she was not ready for this information to become public. The hosts however...well, they'd like to claim that they didn't come down on either side of this "debate" and simply presented facts. But they totally don't think she was raped. They went on and on about all the reasons that she would have lied about being raped, such as political clout, publicity, propaganda, and other dumb reasons. But just couldn't seem to think of any reason that she would have lied about not being raped. Gotta love how men are always able to come up with fifty million reasons why women would make false accusations. It's absolutely not in any way revealing how they think of women.

They also got into the admittedly shitty things that Dr. Fossey did during her time in Rwanda. She wasn't perfect, and she did do some rather bad things. Her approach to conservation work was very much steeped in a colonialist mindset. I'm not about to deny that. And they did do a good job of explaining some of the more overlooked facts of poaching--most African poachers aren't cartoon villains who want to destroy nature. Many are farmers who are killing animals that threaten their crops and/or livestock. And then they get offered lots of money to do it. It's not a simple issue, and doesn't have a simple solution. I don't have a problem with them addressing this, and I'm glad that they did. However, and this is a pretty big HOWEVER, they also didn't discuss any of the great things she did. She saved a huge number of gorillas. She helped improve the Rwandan economy. She fought against multiple colonialist organizations trying to exploit Rwanda and it's wildlife. She helped to revolutionize the field of primatology. There's so much that we know now that we only know because of her. They also decided that the fact that she's a heavily revered and respected figure in Rwanda was worth a few sentences and that was it.

They referred to her as cold and unfeeling multiple times, largely due to her relationship with Bob Campbell, who was married when they met. Apparently the fact that she didn't stick with him for her whole life means that she's cold and uncaring. Ugh. I just fucking can't with this.

And the cherry on top, they made jokes about her murder. Yep. Dr. Fossey was horribly and brutally murdered with a machete in December of 1985. And they apparently think that's funny. Now, I know that some of the people who were close to Dr. Fossey have also made jokes regarding her death. However, there are several Grand Canyon-sized differences between someone using humor to cope with the death of someone they loved, and some assholes with a podcast making jokes about the brutal murder of a woman they never met. They also said that it doesn't matter who killed her or if they're ever caught. Which...no? It very much matters who snuck into this woman's home in the middle of the night and used a machete to brutally murder her. It very much matters if this person is caught. I can't even imagine trying to say that it doesn't matter if an actual murderer is ever caught.

All of this goes into a huge problem when it comes to studying history, especially the history of science. Women are always scrutinized more heavily, always criticized with more vitriol, and always have their enormous accomplishments either left out entirely or pushed to side. I almost never see male scientists given this treatment. Edison comes close, but he always gets quite a bit of "Yeah, he was awful, but let's not forget all the awesome things he did!" Women however get "Yeah, she did a few cool things for science, but let's not forget that she had an abortion!"

I just can't handle this shit anymore. If you managed to get all the way to the end of this wall of text (yay) please recommend me some good history/literature podcasts created by women. I will love you so much.

#oc #history #science #Dian Fossey #primatology #History by Hollywood #podcasts #podcast #feminisim #tw: rape #tw: murder #Trimates #Leakey's Angels #jane goodall #birute galdikas #tw: abortion

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chaotically-cas · 4 years ago

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The Outsiders x West Side Story

I think it’s important to start with saying that, while this is my favorite all time movie, the racism of it needs to be recognized before I continue. The whitewashing & brown face in the movie is absolutely disgusting both then & now. It is not something to support or condone. I’m just making the post because I cannot help but draw so many similarities.

Tw// fighting & sexual harassment (breif mention) & death & one breif mention of suicidal thoughts

Ponyboy as Baby John:

I think this goes way deeper than them both being the youngest & newest in the gang. First of all, in the first scenes of both movies it begins with Ponyboy and Baby John getting jumped my multiple people of the other gang, & his friends coming to back him up. And shortly after that in wss, when the gang is talking about the rumble, someone brings up what they should do if knifes and chains are brought into it. & Baby John says “Why don’t we just forget the whole thing?” Which is similar to Ponyboy’s ideals around fighting. Especially fighting with weapons. Additionally, Baby John is the most hesitant about the Jet’s rules and lifestyle. He often questions the whole point of it. This is very similar to Pony because he states many times his own hesitance around being a greaser and only being viewed as such. They both look at the world through naive and pessimistic thoughts. Additionally, they are both very sensitive. In wss Baby John is found by A-Rab (who I see as Two bit which I will touch on later) crying by himself. He didn’t want anyone to see him cry after his friends death, but yet he is. This is very similar to Ponyboy’s feelings after the fire. Especially when he is walking around town with Two bit. Pony doesn’t want Two to see his broken up and sick he is, but he sees it anyway. And lastly, when Baby John is chewed out by Action (which I see as Steve) A-Rab is there to stick up with him, along with other members of the gang. Even though the both of them are the youngest of the gang they have strong feelings to prove themselves and show up.

Steve as Action:

I definitely see Steve as Action. First the obvious needing pointing out, Action isn’t that much of a fan of Baby John and Steve feels the same about Pony. But on a deeper character analysis point: the both of action & Steve are fueled by their anger and rage. They show this anger in ways of fighting and violence. In WSS one of the first scenes sees Action fighting off 2 sharks, and early on in the book Ponyboy mentions how Steve fought of 4 soc’s such a bottle. This can show how both their anger comes out in extreme ways when fighting. Steve even breaking three (?) ribs. Later on in wss, Action is ranting about how upset he is and how angry he is. And how he just wants “bust” meaning he wants to fight as a release. And he is calmed down(ish) by Ice, who I see as Soda. This is very similar to the scene where Soda and Steve are arm wrestling in the Curtis house and they are discussing why they like fighting, and Pony realizes that Steve’s motivation for fighting is hatred. To add on, Actions character is heavily influenced by Tybalt from Romeo & Juliet, where many connections can be drawn to Steve as well. Steve isn’t in the book a whole lot which makes it a bit harder to pull connections but basically; I see the two of them as having very similar set offs and coping mechanisms as well as intelligence and loyalty. As Action is the first to step up when Tony dies, similar to the way Steve scolded two bit for his joke after Dally’s death.

Darry as Ice:

I think first thing is first. At first I was so into Ice as Soda but after a lot more research and character diving: I decided on Darry. Both Darry & Ice’s protectiveness and care other the other members of the gang. Ice helping to keep the gang cool after the death of Riff, and Darry helping Pony after he gets jumped. While all of the gang in the outsiders is described as a good fighter, Pony mentions that Darry hasn’t lost a fight, which is similar because Ice is canonically the best fighter. In the movie Darry is the one who steps up to be the first to fight and to basically be the ring leader of the fight. And Ice was the one to take on Bernardo in the rumble scene. I feel like Ice and Darry are one of the closest accurate comparisons personality wise because Ice is all hard emotionless, he keeps his cool, and so does Darry. Both of them are the level headed smart ones if the group. They keep the group in line and from making too many rash decisions. Additionally, (tw rape mention) Darry & Ice aren’t as much a part of the gangs other hi-jinx. Like Dal, Two, Johnny, & Pony are at the movies & Steve and Soda are at the DX, Darry is alone doing his thing. Similar to when the gang in wss attempted to rape or assault Anita, Ice was no where to be found. I think both Ice and Darry have a better sense or maturity & cool headedness when it comes to life, especially with the gang.

Dally as Riff:

Hear me out on this one too lol. First of all, there are heavy draws to be made with Mercutio, Riff, & Dal. Especially their deaths. But I’ll be focusing more on their lives. Both Riff and Dally aren’t afraid of violence & in some cases, welcome it. Riff encouraging the use of weapons in the rumble, & Dally showing up to the rumble in the first place. As tough and heartless as they both want to seem, their soft can be shown through Tony (who I see as Johnny). Riff, in fear that Tony will get hurt in the rumble with Bernardo, steps up and takes the fight for him. Which leads to his death. Both Riff and Dally are willing to die “for Johnny” and Tony, their best friends. Additionally, Riff’s protection of Tony can be seen in Dally when he offers to help Johnny after Johnny kills someone, like Tony kills Bernardo. Both these friendships have roots in Dally & Riffs home life. Riff’s home life is discussed heavily in “Dear Officer Kurpkee” and Dally’s from Pony’s perspective. They both grew up without much family and love and without much of a home of their own, which leads to their standoffish characters. Especially since Riff feels a thankfulness to Tony for housing him, can be symbolic of Johnny feeling like Dally’s personal home. Anyway. When Riff is picking on Anybody about being in the gang, it is very similar to the way Dal picks on Cherry in the beginning of the movie. Both these characters have an independence to them, where they want to think they don’t need anyone for anything. They both believe they are alone in the world. And for that they are angry, and not afraid to die.

Two Bit as A-Rab:

I feel like this goes without mention but both A-Rab and Two Bit are described and seen as the clowns and the comedians of the group. They like to make the gang laugh and poke fun at things. Also they are both very aggressive. Not quite as aggressive as Steve & Action but pretty aggressive. This is seen through Two Bit being so willing to jump into a fight anytime (the scene with the broken bottle). And it is seen in A-Rab through him wanting to fight and getting really worked up over the death of Riff. Although the bond between both A-Rab and baby John & Pony and Two Bit; there are a good bit of connections between the friendship. A-Rab is very protective over Baby John whereas Two Bit is protective but more of in a good friend way. They are both really good guys and friends beyond their comedy. Getting back into their humor; in the outsiders movie Two Bit is scene lifting a girls skirt as a prank, showing he finds humor in the inappropriate and dirty. A-Rab makes a similar type verbal joke when Anybody is talking about fighting and joining the gang. Again, Two Bit isn’t mentioned much in the book or movie which makes it a bit hard to draw many more comparisons.

Johnny as Tony:

I know what you are thinking lol, shouldnt Pony be Tony? He is the main character after all. Hear me out: Johnny and Tony are so much alike personality wise. In the beginning, Tony talks to Riff about why he left the gang, it is a similar conversation as the one between Pony & Johnny in the lot were Johnny expresses his suicidal thoughts. I think this also goes without being said but Tony is based on Romeo, and aside from the love plot you can truly see a lot of similarities between these three characters. The main ones being their hearts good intentions. Johnnys good intentions come out in him saving Ponyboy, wanting to turn himself in to the cops, and him trying to save the kids from the fire. Tony’s good intentions are shown very similarly through him trying to fight to save Riff, not wanting harmful weapons in the rumble, and wanting to resolve things with words. Another thing is the way both of there characters died with so much regret and unfinished business. For Tony his regret was Riff’s death and his unfinished business was Maria. For Johnny his unfinished business was not living and his regret was around the same. But in the end they were ok to lie down their lives in a gallant way for what they believed in. Tony for the feud between the gangs to end, and Johnny for the lives of the kids he saved.

& im so so sorry but I can’t seem to see Soda’s personality & morals lining up with any of the characters in WSS I’m sorry ahhh. I hope you enough this anyway!!

This was really really fun to write. It took a while but I’m pretty proud of it 🙈🙈

#the outsiders #the outsiders headcanons #west side story #cas’s crusades #Cas writes a lot

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cadomoisspokenfor · 3 years ago

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Legion Rewatch Notes,

Chapter 7:

The King In Yellow

Walter’s really putting his all into that whistling.

Kerry ended up losing Walter eventually. But I guess she was chased out of her hiding place by the zombies.

Theory: Much like how David feels most stable and confident when Syd’s around, Kerry feels most stable and confident when Cary’s around. She’s much less likely to lose a fight or get scared if Cary is in the vicinity. This would also explain why she feels so betrayed that Cary left her in Mental Clockworks. She works best when he’s around (power of love and all that) so when he’s not around she constantly feels like she’s on the ropes. Maybe only subconsciously though.

Lenny says “Hey” a lot.

So Farouk... actually seems distressed here. This is him at his least chill. He’s just shoved a person he actually cares about into a corner of their mind cause he just couldn’t understand them, the dream he’s created is collapsing and he has no plan on how to deal with it (rare for Farouk), and the location of his own body (his temple) is still lost to him after all this time.

Also, there’s apparently no specific place it could be. Farouk’s body could be anywhere on the globe. I guess he and everyone who knows about is aware that he could come back to his body if he knows where it is?

Even though it’s pointed out a lot I’ll also note that Charles is in his wheelchair in Amy’s flashback. And given future/past events (confusing, I know) this either means Farouk is the one who put him in a wheelchair, or whatever caused it happened between defeating Farouk and giving away baby David. And there’s... really not a lot of time in between those 2 events.

As we’ve seen before, while Farouk can probably see into Oliver’s ice cube residents, he can’t actually go inside or do anything to Oliver (or his guest) while he’s in there.

Farouk doesn’t want the dream to end until he’s located his body.

Cary is used to finishing Oliver’s sentences.

Cary and Oliver think very alike. The biggest difference between them I suppose is Oliver’s reality bending powers.

David never agreed to the barbershop quartet but Oliver put his name down anyways.

I never caught this before, but the thing that makes it obvious to Cary is the fact that the parasite called itself “King”. Before when watching this I thought “it’s just a name,” but I guess the point is... what other villain would be so hubris filled as to advertise who they are so openly. It speaks to the brazenness of Farouk. If Charles had ever checked back and found out David was talking to some invisible friend named “King” Farouk woulda been discovered then and there. I can only assume this means the name “King” was taunt of sorts. A joke only Farouk was in on. Not to mention, Farouk probably would never have settled for a name any less dignifying.

Oliver doesn’t remember any of his past friends, but he does remember Farouk. I wonder, did him and Cary hear about Farouk before or after Charles defeated him? Farouk hasn’t been publicly doing things for 30 years, and the only event that could reasonably be linked to him is Meiser Sunday. If they knew about him before Charles defeated him then that would just speak to his prolificness as a villain, I guess. “The Shadow King”, an unstoppable force for years until a random prodigy mutant gets him on his first try... or so they thought. I believe that’s how it happened in the comics too.

I’ll also note, Charles is an important figure in the mutant community, but it shouldn’t be discounted that the mutant community still existed and had a whole rich history before Charles even stepped on the scene. It seems like either Xaviers School doesn’t exist in this timeline, or they just don’t know about it. And given that, Summerland seemingly founded itself off the same general ideas of the Xavier School, but completely independently. Like 2 people coming up with the same idea on different sides of the planet.

Farouk’s weakness as Oliver puts it is, “He puts all of his energy into tricking David. Didn’t think to watch his six.” I wonder... is this a consistent weakness of Farouk’s? Could this be what Oliver means when he says he found his weakness in s2?

Oliver admits Farouk is too powerful for him. It’s not like he’s one to have a power complex, but it is interesting how shameless he is about it. He doesn’t really philosophize about that kind of thing, he’s matter of fact about it. Farouk’s got more measurable power than me, we need to find another way around him. He also notes though that *David* could defeat Farouk if need be. Everyone recognizes David as the top of the food chain.

Small note: I guess this is how it works between omega lvls. Always thinking of ways around each others raw abilities. Farouk knows David is too strong for him in s2, so he finds away around it. David knows he might not be able to hold out against Farouk’s built up experience, so he finds away around it. Brains over brawn every time, it would seem.

Cary feels really really bad for David. Seeing him screaming his brains out in a locked box knowing full well how much David hates small space. It’s very sweet. But also, 2 episodes Cary seemed a bit more standoffish about David. Knowing what he knows now recontextualized all those past events. David is a victim of something incomprehensibly terrible. He sees that now.

My boi Dan’s gonna need a lozenge after this one.

“We’re gonna need everybody.” They never get Ptonomy :/

I didn’t pick up on any of the other times, but Syd’s job here is to be a distraction. Sure, she has to protect the others in the process, but freeing them from the dream is the job of Cary, Oliver, and Melanie.

Still though, David is the victim who needs help here. He’s not the hero who saves them, he’s the one in need of saving. And Syd takes charge in the plan to do so and is tasked with protecting the others, making her once again closer to the hero archetype than David is. In the moment at least.

Syd’s talking fast cause they don’t exactly have all the time in the world here.

The zombies vanish but the architecture remains. There are “degrees” of real in the astral plane.

“Just thought it’d be interesting.” She’s over the whole “jumpscare haunted house” thing by now.

Silly me, the Melanie scene took place after Cary went to gather people. So it’s definitely Cary in the suit.

Melanie’s glad to see he’s back but she’s not completely love struck. Probably both cause he doesn’t remember her, and cause lovestruck Melanie was a result of her mind being altered to fit the delusion. Cary is guiding them out of the delusion so she’s back to her old self basically. Rational, and concerned with the mission.

This isn’t important, I just like how Melanie wakes him up here. It’s sweet, and bitter, cause it’s too late for him anyways.

Why does Farouk simulate this whole process for Rudy? What’s the use in tricking him if he already can barely do anything? We know Rudy gets him eventually, but it’s just surprising that Farouk recognizes him as being a potential threat.

Cary neglected to inform Syd who else he was personally waking.

Is Walter seeing the zombies too? Unclear. But he’s less chill about his tormenting now.

David starts using humor to cope. From what we’ve seen he’s been non-stop screaming for a while. It seems like he stops panicking as much specifically because his mind is fracturing to help him cope.

His first alter (that we see). Rational Mind.

RM says the coffin is just an “idea.” Very specific word choice there.

Rm tells him to forget all the “lies” he learned in memory work and the MRI. That was all Summerland stuff, though. “It’s your mind.” Essentially, trust yourself. You know who you are, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Not even your new friends. Very reminiscent of, “You decide what is real and what is not.”

David doesn’t want to call his adoptive parents his parents anymore.

David’s happy to finally contextualize Farouk as a mutant and not a mental illness. It all starts making since to him, his whole life.

RM’s the first one to say “boohoo,” and it’s in response to David’s sadness over his bio-parents giving him away.

“I am pretty, I am loved.” “Good, keep going.” This mindset David’s falling into is specifically encouraged by his alters. In fact, it’s RM that pushes him down this path in the first place. David (non-Shadow King possessed David) has been avoiding this thought all season.

David’s a bit wrong here, and I think the difference tells us something important. David assumes Farouk possessed him after he was already living in the Haller’s house. But, we know it seemingly happened before Charles even got back from Morocco. So, given that Gabrielle’s mental health was already bad from post-partum depression (alternatively, it’s just the depression she already had) and Charles leaving her alone to go to Morocco, Farouk coming in and haunting the house probably sent things over the edge. David was most likely given away because Gabrielle wasn’t well enough to care for him like he needed, and Charles... 🤷🏾‍♀️ tbh. Might just’ve not wanted to raise David without Gabrielle. They both said they didn’t ant him to turn out like them. In s3 it’s made to seem like the house haunting was a combination of David and Farouk. David’s haunting time travelly presence probably made things worse, but Farouk would’ve gotten to the baby much sooner if not for him, and without David in the way Farouk probably would’ve upped his own intentional torments. The goal was revenge after all.

David assumes Farouk’s goal is revenge upon the whole world. Makes sense since that’s what Farouk’d been encouraging David to all season. And what he’ll continue to encourage him towards throughout s2 & 3.

Syd “woke him up.” She makes him more stable and sane. She grounds him in reality.

“I was sick, but I’m not sick anymore.” A moment of quiet deliberation with his alter and then he awakens with newfound confidence and a plan. This will repeat in a very tragic way later on.

Kerry, Syd, and a damaged comrade in a wheelchair. If I had nickel for every time this happens I’d have 2 nickels. Very weird it happens twice. Unless... mental clockworks and the end of s3 are supposed to parallel each other.

I assume the astral-plane diving suit protects whoever’s wearing it from psychic threats, much like the ice cube. At the moment, no one’s wearing it.

Sometimes psychics powers require a bit of miming to manifest. Oliver can’t just wave his hand and make a shield, not a strong enough one at least. Similarly, Farouk can’t just expand his mind into the future, he needs to go through a whole time machine building process in the astral plane.

Cary and Melanie seeing Walter get killed must hit hard for them considering he used to be a student of theirs. Sure, he turned against them, but still...

They juxtapose Walter dying with Rudy fully waking up. I wonder if that means it was his powers that were keeping Rudy docile and not necessarily the stab wound.

David is the one that wakes them all up, destroys the dream, and puts them back in their real bodies. And just in time for Cary to place the halo on his head. This is I think the first time David does a real act of super-heroism. The only potential one previously is saving Amy and he wasn’t really the one in control there. This is his first win against Farouk.

David’s not only got control of his powers, but control of himself for the first time, too. And it’s to the point where he’s perceiving things at lightning speeds and moving fast enough to catch bullets. Along with whatever power he’s using to halt the bullets momentum too. For now at least, this is our hero.

They play sinister music whenever he does the bright white light teleport. He does it again at the end of s2. Is it a specific kind of teleport, or is he just adding flair?

David didn’t teleport them directly to the base.

Kerry sadly looks at Rudy’s body.

Melanie looked around for Oliver but in doing so missed him meeting up with the others.

Everyone’s relaxing after their long fought for victory. David and Syd seem really happy. They find Oliver funny/charming.

When Cary’s talking to Kerry, in the background I can barely make out everyone else talking about potatoes.

David’s fine with Amy apologizing, just not in front of the others.

Instead of “The Poor Woodcutter and His Wife” Oliver calls it the “The story of The Lady and the Crane.”

Farouk doesn’t like small spaces either. Ha.

#legion fx

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gintamajustaway · 5 years ago

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(1) I finally finished gintama today! A bittersweet ride, wish I can forget everything and read this wonderful series again. Also I am a sucker for your character analyses, so how do you think the joui 3 cope with all of this? A death of a friend & a sensei. i don't know how the kihetai will be after all that too. It's just even if sorachi made a new status quo that resembles the old one, I can't imagine Gin being as happy go lucky as before despite his snark at the last few pages.

Congrats on finishing Gintama! Answer below the cut:

I’ve felt that way about certain stories too. Wishing I could just blank it out of my head and redo it like it’s new and relive all those feelings. The rest of this is just going to be my thoughts and I by no means think anyone has to agree with me. It’s just how I feel and if anyone disagrees that’s completely fine, I don’t care.

The Joui coping with the death of Shouyou isn’t exactly new. Shouyou has died before and since Gintoki had to be the one to kill him in such a graphic way in front of his closest friends, it had a lot to deal with for years because of that. He also learned how to heal -- his kids, family, and friends helped him with those lessons -- so learning to cope with Shouyou’s death a second time would be easier, I would think. Not only because of the huge support system he has now, but also because he has had to do it before and at least this time around he knows it’s final and he got closure and an explanation which he didn’t have the first time around. I also think -- and again this is just a personal opinion -- Shouyou/Utsuro got to the point where the cycle was overused too many times by the end of it. So having Shouyou die, then come back, then be killed, then be reborn, then die again -- eventually you’ve just kind of got to thrown in the towel with it. Plus, this time around, Gintoki got to somewhat return the favor Shouyou did for him and that in itself was a huge closure for him.

Dealing with Takasugi’s death would be the difficult one to parse this time around, but he was also reborn. Whether or not he retained his memories I don’t think has been revealed and I’ve made a post talking about that. In a way, Takasugi’s suffering ended, which is good, but then the rest of the Joui lost a friend. Takasugi’s death, to me, was not unexpected. I’ve said before, but when I wrote the 89 page fic for the GinHiji / HijiGin zine which took place after the end of the series, I excluded Takasugi from the entire thing because I was so confident he was going to die. This was a year before the series even ended. I like to think that the Joui had some inkling that not all of them were going to make it through the experience.

Side note: Something I’m a little annoyed Sorachi either forgot about or completely brushed over is the big speech Katsura made. After he found out what really happened when Gintoki killed Shouyou, Katsura went off and told Gintoki that he wouldn’t have to be the one to shoulder the burden this time around and then that’s exactly what happened.

Mourning Takasugi would be difficult, but then again, Takasugi had done a really good job of ceding himself from the rest of the Joui. So, in a way, Katsura and especially Gintoki had already... I don’t want to say they’d written Takasugi off, but after Gintoki beheaded Shouyou, he knew there would be no going back from that and he’d likely considered both Katsura and Takasugi lost to him forever after that. He mended things slowly over time with Katsura, but Takasugi wanted to destroy Gintoki’s whole world so really, Gintoki -- and later Katsura --spent a lot of time knowing Takasugi was out of their reach. They got good closure in the end, but losing Takasugi for real, though it would ache and hurt, they’d also lost him before.

No, Gintoki wouldn’t necessarily be “happy go lucky,” but no one would be after the deaths of people you’ve loved. He has better coping mechanisms now and he has his support system, but the shadow of everything that happened will always hang over Gintoki. The difference now is that his mindset has changed and he’s looking forward to the future. He knows he’ll be alright and he also knows some part of him is always going to hurt and that that’s okay. Gintoki is not the same person he was at the beginning of the story and it took him a looooong ass time to see any worth in himself. He’ll still have his bad days, but those will be dwarfed by the good ones as he moves ahead with everyone. That’s the way I see it, anyway.

And this is not meant in an offensive way whatsoever, but I don’t agree with the Yorozuya and Shinsengumi not changing except for Gintoki and Hijikata. They all changed, to me. The episode that really highlights this is episode 316. Kagura and Sougo aren’t just rivals, they’re friends. A lot of people like to give Sougo a lot of shit, but he’s actually a really good character and while I don’t ship Sougo and Kagura, they’re great friends. They can be immature at times, but they’re also young and are allowed to act stupid and say dumb stuff sometimes. I’ve never been a huge fan of Kondo’s stalking habits, I always thought it was a bit odd even if it’s only done for humor value, but that episode shows both Otae and Shinpachi opening their door to him and offering him a drink as they invite him back when the Shinsengumi returns. Otae may not love him back, but both she and Shinpachi value him as a person because Kondo has a ton of great traits that often get swept aside in favor of “gorilla stalker” jokes. I do agree that Gintoki and Hijikata went through the greatest transition out of all of them and I’ve talked so much about this LOL Their friendship is so awesome to me and I’ll never tire of it.

Their bantering won’t change, that’s part of their dynamic and that’s what resonates so much with me because I love teasing and bantering with those closest to me. Making jokes, laughing together, using quips and witticisms, etc -- Gintoki and Hijikata do this, too, and it makes a lot of sense to me personally because they’re themselves when they’re with each other. There are no fronts and no shields between them at the end of the story. They get to go out for drinks together, have fun together, tell each other truths that they literally don’t tell anyone else in the story. It still blows me away that Hijikata is the one person Gintoki ever willingly and with no prompting mentioned his mother to. They each told the other that home isn’t home without them there. When the Yorozuya left, Hijikata’s first instinct was to go fucking find them. When Gintoki lost his sword, Hijikata was the one to keep it for him and give it back to him. When Hijikata was in trouble and losing his way, Gintoki is the one that took him home and they opened the gates to the barracks together. I could go on and on and on about them, their journey is so well written. Sorachi put more time and effort into the Yorozuya and Shinsengumi dynamics than any other in the series and it shows in the best way.

Anyway, I’ve talked enough probably, but there are some thoughts for you to consider. If there’s more you want to talk about, hit me up. Congrats again on finishing Gintama, I’m happy you enjoyed it!

#anon #meta

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rhyce · 4 years ago

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This post is meant for you to get a good understanding on what my home life is like. I want to make it very clear what I'm dealing with before I explain the opportunity I have to get out of this mess.

Okay so, I'll begin with what all happened last October. It involves hard drugs, mental illness, a homicide investigation and toxic parents.

To begin this story I have to briefly go back to march of last year. And I promise, I'll be brief, there's a lot to touch up on here. Okay so, one of my best friends who I've known since way back in the day (we live 3 houses away from eachother, we were best friends growing up) confessed a murder to me around March of 2020. This friend is someone who Iive barely spoken to in recent times because she's on meth and is just crazy. She's not really a good friend anymore but she needed someone to talk to that night so I was there for her. I quickly realized she was in a meth psychosis at the time, so none of what she said really made any sense to begin with. I thought she was full of shit. She basically told me she drowned someone in a river just days, or weeks (couldn't get a clear answer) before we spoke. She explained in erratic detail, jumping from one subject to another, she was super paranoid. I just thought she was crazy and needed to calm down. I didn't believe any of the shit she was saying. And between March and October of last year it sort of became a silly thing amongst me and my family members to bring up "hey remember when K. killed that guy" yeah right. Sure. We would joke about it. She's this scrawny, paper thin meth head who is known to make up elaborate stories. There once was a time when I was deeply bothered by her meth use, I even staged an intervention for her. But she is far beyond that now, so humor is really the best way to cope with my best friend ruining her life to drugs. Call it what you want, but for me, it's a way to cope with it. Anyhow, going back to October 2020. My mom out of the blue said she was going to call the police station and report the "murder" after we had just got done having one of our "laugh about K. for being crazy" sessions. Tried talking her out of it, said she was just going to be wasting everyone's time, K. clearly didn't murder anyone, but she was adamant and called anyhow.

Jump forward to the next day and my mom and I are in an investigation room, talking to the police about the situation. Why was my mom there when she wasn't even involved? Good question. I never got a clear answer out of her. She just wanted to be there. So, the investigator starts asking me questions and very early on my mom would cut me off to add some completey irrelevant information that doesn't even pertain to the subject. She would fidgit in her seat the entire time just dying for a chance to talk. The investigator had to cut her off numerous times so he can hear what I had to say. I was getting pissed, didn't want to be there, a few hours pass and I had to go to the bathroom. Came back in the room and my mom was talking to the investigator about that time I was raped in 2010. Completey threw me off. I ask what the hell is going on. They both say they're just "establishing a timeline". Mom continues to talk about it, investigator see's that I'm clearly uncomfortable with the subject, cuts her off and begins to get back on track. I almost walked out of the room at that moment. If he hadn't of changed the subject I would have. She knows I don't like anyone knowing about that. Some time passes, he's asking me what all K. told me that night, mom still cutting me off. At some point mom tells him I was an outcast growing up. Completey not even true. I always had friends, I was bullied a lot, but I always had a group I belonged to. (later on the investigator and I would speak over the phone and he said it's not right for a parent to say that about their child. It felt good to finally have someone see things from my side and have my back). Speeding things up here, the investigation ends with my mom FAKE CRYING on cue. She said "we love K. we don't want to see anything bad happened to her". Totally not true. She doesn't give a damn about K. I look over to see the investigators reaction, he can tell it was a fake show of affection, I secretly feel glad that someone else can see right through it (that rarely ever happens). We go home.

The next few days is an all out psychological war between me and my mom. The investigator calls mom and says if I have to go back n talk to him some more then he don't want mom there. Mom tells me the exact opposite. I have suspicions. I call investigator myself, he clarifies, says he never said that and he really doesn't want her there anymore. It's just unnecessary to have her there. She wasn't even involved in it to begin with. He was mad she kept cutting me off. He doesn't want her there. I go to mom and tell her I spoke with him myself and that he doesn't want her there next time. Huge fucking mistake on my end. She don't like that answer. She becomes manipulative, huge argument ensues. The argument lasts for days. Gets to a point where I have to tell investigator what's going on and ask him if I could cease all involvement moving forward. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. He agrees, says it's okay, that he doesn't even think she commited the murder anyway and that he has enough info from me. That ends my involvement with the police. She's still a wreck, blows it way out of proportion. I can't deal with it anymore. Go back to live with my dad.

Okay so, when I get to my dad's house I see things are not going any better there either. My brother is having a series of episodes that we later come to know is caused by paranoid pschytsophrenia. It gets violent at times. It's super draining. It's not fun at all. It's literally hell.

Going back to the present time; my brother still had these episodes. Hasn't seen any improvement. We've had to call the police on him a lot, he's been in and out of mental facilities. He can no longer drive bc he caused two hit and runs both in the same day. In an episode where he no longer knew what was going on he went outside and stomped in the roof of his car, tore up the headliner, broke his rear view mirrors, and just completey ruined his vehicle.

So here's where the good part comes in. My dad is desperate for help with my brother. He calls my oldest brother, who lives a thousand miles away, oldest brother, we will call him R. flies out here, stays here for a week and he actually just left two days ago. He was out here to help with our brother, but I tell him a little bit of what's going on with me as well. He offers me an opportunity. I am both ecstatic and stressed about it. But it will be for the good, if I can pull it off.

This is already getting too long. I'll talk in detail about this opportunity next time.

That's all for now.

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beerecordings · 5 years ago

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How do you think Jackie react to being the last one alive?

oh geez aha…. not well.

I have this one Jackie-centric story I never posted because not everything is meant to be posted but basically Anti had used Jameson to kill Henrik and the first chapter was Jameson apologizing that he wasn’t able to live with what happened and saying goodbye to Jackie over text while Jackie begged with him not to do anything stupid. the rest of it was the aftermath and honestly even with just two brothers gone, Jackie really wasn’t able to handle it hardly at all. without Marvin and Chase he probably wouldn’t have survived it

he’s all about self-blame and he tangles his identity into his role as a protector and big brother wayyyy too much to be healthy. he would need. so much therapy. to forgive himself for losing the others. no matter how they died, he’d blame himself. and he doesn’t know who he is without them to protect and Anti to fight.

Jameson (who I wrote about earlier and I think would probably handle being left alone best) had a lot of other interests and work that were not tied up in Anti or even his family, so he had other things to pour himself into when his family died. but Jackie’s life has always been fighting and protecting. I think he’d just go wild with the vigilante stuff, completely, wildly reckless, taking all his fury out on these assholes who have killed people the same way his brothers were killed, letting himself get exhausted and sick and seriously hurt, maybe even killed, because he doesn’t know what he’s living for anyway. if Jack was alive, Jackie would be violently angry with him - this is your stupid fucking story!! why can’t you bring them back, anyway? you created them and this is all you have to give them? this is all you have to give me? fuck!! you!!!!

he would move away from the house where they used to live and go to a new city without telling anyone else, so he just disappears and finds somewhere new to purge of crime and murder, neglecting himself to throw himself into his work. he avoids thinking of his brothers because it always makes him break down and he doesn’t believe in an afterlife like Jameson did so he doesn’t expect to see them ever again. he doesn’t know how to grieve healthily, he’s obsessed with the nights that they died, he has PTSD and doesn’t cope with it at all, just tries to keep surviving panic attacks and nightmares and days of numbness and the feeling that he’s going to die soon, soon, soon - but he never does, it’s so confusing and it hurts more than he knows how to admit.

honestly? he’d need someone to help save him.

an intrepid investigator trying to get to the bottom of this vigilante superhero type, but who ends up concerned with Jackie personally, trying to figure out why he always seems to be in so much pain - or a young copycat over-enthusiastically interested in Jackie’s work, constantly badgering him but also managing to wake something up in him he hasn’t felt in a long time, exasperation and irritation but also worry and protectiveness and humor and companionship - or the neighbor across the hall from his apartment who always seems to look right through, who always seems to see everything, who whispers stories of his own pain to Jackie late at night until the two of them have told each other everything they swore they’d always freeze inside and Jackie’s hand is drifting down to rest on his thigh, his eyes flickering down to his scarred and perfect mouth -

He’d need a lot of therapy and a lot of new hobbies, a fresh start and an overcoming of his grief. He’d need to find his identity outside of the family he used to have. He’d need to learn to remember his brothers without hating himself for what he allowed to happen. he doesn’t want that pain to make every happy memory a sad one!! like what about ruining the first pie they tried to bake with Marvin, laughing his ass off at the flour that somehow got stuck to the ceiling and wiping apple filling off his brother’s mouth? what about Chase and Jameson dragging him to a movie he didn’t want to see that turned out to be his favorite in the whole world, the one the three of them watched together at least once a year, the fondest tradition he has? what about that time Henrik came back from a ten-hour surgery that ended in a death and came to Jackie first, and let himself cry into Jackie’s arms, and they shared the same pain and held onto each other? what, he’s going to let all of the emotion and love that they shared be wiped over in this hot blurring of fury and pain? he looks in the mirror one day and realizes this isn’t how they would want him to live, and maybe it doesn’t matter, because they’re fucking dead, but hell, hell, doesn’t he owe it to their memory to try and love himself again?

he stops going out every single night and even calls the cops instead of dealing with some of this shit himself every once and a while. starts watching a show he and Chase used to watch together again and laughs at the jokes. gets a cool job with a cyber-security company. reaches out to Jack again. brings his crush flowers. adopts a hedgepig. cries his eyes out and tries not to hate himself for it. lets other people take care of him when he gets the flu one year and tells his friends about his struggle. makes new friends. tries new things. takes anti-depressants. burns all the notes he wrote about catching Anti years ago.

oh, fuck, it’s still so hard. but he’s working harder. falls down again and again and again and gets back up again, accepting the hands that reach down to pull him back to his feet, no longer forcing himself to stand alone. and the years pass, and the grief quiets and quiets and oh, it’s loud today, but tomorrow it will soften again, and he will manage it, he will take it, he will know it as the remnant of old love that it is and hold it close to his chest and try to love this part of himself, try to love every part of himself, smiling at the rising sun.

he gets his bounciness and his enthusiasm back. gets his joy and his friendliness back. gets his trust of the world back, mostly. he’s not the same person he was and he never will be. but he’s starting to think that’s okay.

he can love the last part of his family that remains. he owes that much to his brothers. he owes that much to himself.

“I love you,” he tells the mirror, and one day, one day long after he lost them, when their faces have begun to blur in his memory, and the image of their bodies is replaced by the image of the peaceful cemetery where he buried them one-by-one, side-by-side, where the forget-me-nots would bloom around them in the springtime, one day long after years of struggle and self-hatred, he is no longer just saying it to the similarity to his brother’s faces that he sees in himself. “I love you.”

I like to think that he’d survive it. I’d like to think that he’d find his peace again.

#death tw #major character death tw #suicidal ideation tw #suicide mention tw #grief tw

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