#<- if i get hate im just deleting the post
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ya know the “one normal night” song from the addam’s family musical? that’s me this year so far.
ALL I WANT-
#this is not to say that any of this is happening for invalid reasons#(except for the cellbit hate bullshit THAT WAS UNREASONABLE AND STUPID)#but on terms of SOME PEOPLE and workers not getting paid i absolutely support speaking out#but FUCK all at once bro#GIMME TIME TO BREATHE#anyways this post is a joke because humor helps me cope#fuck racism and xenophobia#pay and COMMUNICATE with your workers ohmy god#that’s all i’m gonna say for now#qsmp#<- if i get hate im just deleting the post
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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doodle dump :3
some of these r comic wips that i prob won't get to (the last one is post w7 where an anxious usopp places traps around the sunny and sanji gets caught in one bfhdkjs)
#drawings that weren't good enough to get their own posts so im dumping them here bgfhkdj#op#one piece#art#my art#mintart#sanuso#usosan#sanrio sanuso#sanji#mr prince#vinsmoke sanji#usopp#also adding onto the last one i wanted it to be short and sweet with sanji reassuring usopp that he didn't need to prove his usefulness but#tbh it got too long to become a comic cuz that's a whole ass conversation i wrote out and then deleted cuz no way am i drawing allat#I HAVE EXAMS 💔#i still like the concept tho so im releasing it out into the world do as u please with it#im just not the best Worder#also the yellow and red ones r from lars' strawpage LOL#hi lars if ur reading this im turning u into spaghetti#the winter sanji one is from the sanji collab but i actually kinda hate how it looks#so it's not getting its own post 😭😭😭
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i love sapphic people so much we’re all so beautiful and deserve so much love i love you i love you i love you
#hiiii!#it is emotion time for me#listened to some of my favorite songs after midnight#im very emotional#i love you so much#i hate how many people interact with this blog#because i want to grab your faces and tell you how much i hope you’re happy#and how badly i hope you feel loved#i hope you read my posts and feel the love in them#it’s for you#i wrapped it up in all my silly little words and hit post l#and now i just get to live hoping someone could feel it#because i desperately hope they do#because you’re just like me and im just like you and we both deserve SO much from this world#@ future me u can delete this but i hope you’re still this in love with the world when u do#@ people who read all these tags srry it’s late and im having a cry sesh and a lot of emotions#pls ignore me
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god damn i do not post often but can i talk about intentionality for a second?? one second please
i'm gonna be talking about bg3 but this really applies to any fandom space. people will, surface-level, agree that a Black character is not getting enough content compared to their white counterparts because it's. obvious . take wyll, who is several hours behind on voiced lines compared to other origins despite being one of the original five (before they added karlach and whiteified her too but that's another post). it's hard to deny cold hard facts
but then instead of engaging in content that uplifts Black characters and creators, they'll go right back to pumping out more and more content of just their white faves. on its own, it's not actively harmful, but here's what the implication is, whether they acknowledge it or not: yes wyll has less in-game content, yes his writing didn't get the attention it deserved, therefore i don't like him as much. it only perpetuates wyll's lack of content by contributing to his sidelining in fandom spaces
what i would love for fans who claim to be allies to do is to step out of the comfort zone of their initial favorites (which can, in fact, be biased!) and start pursuing content centering Black characters with intentionality. like all things, anti-racism (actively pushing back against racism rather than simply "Not Being Racist") takes practice and effort. you can't really agree with us that wyll needs more content, then in the same breath say that it's because of that that he's not interesting to you . the point was right in front of you doing a jig and you still missed it
#bg3#wyll#wyll ravengard#this isnt even including people who didnt notice that wyll had less content in the first place#which is. a very damning admission. so you werent paying Any attention to him...? at all....? its obvious even on a first playthrough tf#i had to physically stop myself from saying specific white boy names in the main post bc i knew it would just be fanning the flames#and thats not productive. as much as i hate to admit it.#anyway we all know why halsin is so much more popular than wyll. the white man with as much personality as a cardboard cutout#ITS HARD TO APPRECIATE HIM WHEN HES 1) boring and 2) part of the reason wyll got less content bc adding him meant less time for the others#if people start things in the replies im deleting this post if im being honest. this needed to be said but#i am not in the habit of arguing with strangers on the internet and i am not starting now#tyto speaks#man i didnt even mention how white side characters with maybe 5 min total of screentime get so much fan content .#while wyll a whole ORIGIN character gets left out of party art and either infantilized or villianized beyond the point of recognition
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Do you want to hear a funny story?
So you know that I was drawing spiderverse comics lately. Because they are fun to do. And I think people like them. I mean the most popular one has like 4K notes? That's lot for me when I usually dwell in tiny fandoms made out of like 3 people and their dog. So it's nice, everybody is having fun and I'm grateful.
but
BUT
I just found out that somebody took few of that comics. Cut them up and run the text through ai reading voice and posted it as reels on fucking youtube.
And it's not even that I'm stumped why even turn 4 pictures into video. First time I see such a time wasting thing but ok. People do like different things.
And even lke some effort was done to erase text from speech bubbles so it appears as the ai spews it aloud but it's not even about it
I had pictures taken and posted somewhere else. Usually without credit. At least this time it was credited? I guess I should be grateful.
What fucking gets me is that those comics have several hundred thousand views and few hundred comments each.
Like fucking seriously.
I don't know what's the point
I don;t know what should I feel about this
I mean unless you can make money on youtube reels? Then I can at least be pissed about it. Nice clean feeling?
Because what gets me is that most of those comments are nice so I should be happy about it? I guess? But I feel like a pathetic peeping tom looking for appreciation that wasn't given to me actually eve if I did the thing
ugh
I'm just tired
this day was already shitty so i guess it's time to give up and take a nap
next comic will be delayed
#to be deleted#rant#text post#sorry i just need to like scream into the void a little#i guess i should just let it go#and be gratefull for the attention im already getting#so many awesome artists that get less#no point in being greedy#and nobody here likes when artists whine for attention#because we should create the content#i fucking hate that word#for like idea#guess what i'm happy creating things because i like creating them#ill just stop sharing#like i recently gave up on insta because i;m done trying to please the algorithm so it may let me interact with people#i like the old fashioned idea from fans for fans#got i got salty#i'm sorry#hopefully nap will fix it#i just need to let it go i guess
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au where obi-wan gets prophetic dreams of anakin’s fall but they’re the kenobi show montage dreams where nothing useful can be gleaned about how to stop it; so obi-wan decides he just needs to leave the order. anakin is only 12, he can be trained by another master. obi-wan didn’t even have a master when he was 12. anakin will be fine. stars, he’ll probably be better.
of course he’s not and of course obi-wan abandoning him pushes him closer to palpatine and he falls much sooner, becoming a baby sith that palpatine mostly farms out to dooku for training because anakin at 16, 17, 18 is a lot
and when he falls, the jedi order is like hm. we’re gonna tell kenobi about this. cause now skywalker is a sith with a sith master, and a grudge the size of coruscant against the guy who left him, so. let’s just give him a heads up to maybe consider going into hiding
but of COURSE when obi-wan hears his precious padawan STILL FELL he goes right to count dooku and asks to be his apprentice, he’d make such a good apprentice, dooku always liked him when he was qui-gon’s padawan, remember? now he could be his apprentice
dooku knows that with skywalker, 19 and well-trained now in the picture, his usefulness to sidious is running out, so he doesn’t have a lot of reasons to say no to kenobi. and kenobi is right. he did always like him when he was qui-gon’s apprentice, so sure he’ll give him a sith name (solence) and a red lightsaber (sick)
but basically this leads to very awkward sith family dinners where darth vader--is trying to kill darth solence with his eyes and sometimes the nearest oyster fork, darth solence is throwing sad kicked puppy expressions across the table at darth vader and sighing into his dessert pudding all the while debating with darth tyranus about how good the dark side could really be, i mean, if one were to really think about it, especially in comparison to the life we all led at the Temple, remember anakin? you loved life at the Temple.
darth sidious stopped accepting the invites five dinners ago.
#kit's silly lil aus#obikin#because obi-wan is of course only there to get anakin to return to the jedi or leave the sith#ok he hasn't really figured out his plan but it's been so hard abandoning the boy#that the moment he heard maybe he needed him he had to go#also this would be an au where.#anakin thinks this is hate sex and obi-wan is like this could not be further from hate sex let me stroke your cheek tenderly until u get it#could only be called something needlessly dramatic on ao3 like#a litany of apologies spelled out in red ink#or song lyric title that's just i'll follow you into the dark#etc etc#also before you ask no i don't save things to my drafts#think about them and then decide to delete instead of post#as soon as i open a text box im posting babyyyy
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this guy? me and this guy??? we are BEST friends
#if i think someone's comment doesnt belong i WILL remove that shit#i will not hesitate#i hate a messy post#especially when some people comment just to try and get their blog title attached to that post??#its weird#like yall blog and do what you want#but im gonna do the same and that means deleting comments lmao
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omg I know I don’t need any more wips but I just thought of stepcest with yandere kurama PLEEEAASE I would get canceled SO fast but it’d be so dirty and wrong and I just love it 😭😭💕
#I’m gonna write it anyway ahehe but I def won’t post it on here#ugh cmon just let your niichan take care of you 🥺#want him gross and entitled and manipulative#tw stepcest#honestly I’m fine with incest too IM SORRY 😂😂#especially if reader is someone from his past who takes possession of human kurama’s siblings body#so they werent initially related and they were always intimate before so why’s it gotta change just cuz their human bodies are related 🥺#I’m SICK HELP#tw inc*st#tw dark content#delete later maybe#I would get so much hate for this I just know it 😂😂#but a girls gotta have her kinks !!
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writer's block is debilitating atm. i want to write soooooooooo badly but im just sitting here staring at google docs with 0 neuron activation
#also i hate to admit it but ive felt kinda weird writing phanfic lately :/#bc idk. seeing them irl at tit kinda made me think about it too much i guess#plus the revelation that they (or at least phil) lurk and they might see it ldsvlknlsknvlsfn id have to kms#im still debating deleting after the “someone on tumblr will write about that” comment#still trying to convince myself it wasnt about me but i will never know for sure and now i always feel mildly uncomfortable on here :(#maybe im also self sabotaging a bit because i dont really want to finish any of my wips#bc then i should post them. but i dont want to bc what if they flop dslnlnsnvlknvl#i am starting to resent these wips but at the same time theyre still my babies#i always used to think writing was like my Thing. but now im starting to feel like i cant write for shit lmfao#and it's really hard to write if writing just makes you feel stupid#maybe this is just seasonal depression idk#when phil said in his fanfic video rpf is fine as long as you dont cross certain lines#i thought the line was trying to make them aware of it/taking it beyond fan spaces. but now im second guessing everything i write#one of my wips is kinda dark/very angsty and im worried that it gets too deep into mental health stuff#even though it is an alternate timeline au so it's really about 2 fictional characters based on them. but still im worried it's too serious#especially since someone mentioned the bluebird fic recently. i havent read it but now im stressed that my fic is too dark#in a similar way. spoiler alert lmao but this fic was supposed to culminate in dan getting outed by a friend and having a breakdown#but now im wondering if im doing too much and i should just drop this whole idea ugh
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Kiryuu Touga and the cyclical narrative
TW : Discussions of misogyny, emotional manipulation and abuse, sexual abuse and (sexual) child abuse. (Very vague) mention of incest.
First of all, not really as a disclaimer but more as a recommendation, a lot of my thoughts about Touga are shaped by this essay, which is definitely easily one of my favorite pieces of Utena meta. I think I'm going to implicitly or more explicitly reference it sometimes, but you don't need to read it to understand this post.
I have a complex relationship with Touga. He is despicable, yet the more I watch the series, the more I find myself... fascinated by him. This post is a pretty much a synthesis of all these thoughts.
On a purely narrative level, Touga's role is a bit special. He's the antagonist of the first arc. The three duels involving him are all turning points in the series. He's a core character in the development of several other characters (Saionji, Nanami, Utena and Miki on a different level).
Yet, turns out he's only a puppet, just as everyone else is. How surprising. And when it comes down to it, what do we know about Touga ?
He's the Student Council's president. He seemingly can't have a relationship with anyone without manipulating them to his advantage. He sleeps with any girl (and maybe not only girls) who breathe around him in a 1 ft radius. His way of coping with depression is to seal himself in a wide and totally empty room to listen to his own voice on repeat to ponder heavily on his broken hopes and ideals. (Hmm. Hardcore.)
And more importantly, he wants power. A power that would be absolute. But why so ?
And this is the point where it gets complicated.
Touga is barely the main topic of episodes focused on him. He is the center of many obsessions and interests, but it seems we never touch upon him as a person. He can be seen being vaguely vulnerable in eps 11 and 12 and then there's the whole Black Rose arc thing. But where does all this mess steam from ?
Victim status
Eps 35 and 36 are the one going deeper into Touga’s character and yet... we’re barely sure of what’s actually going on in his brain. These episodes always give me a weird feeling because we don’t really get to see Touga express his feelings very clearly or freely... We barely get to hear his thoughts.
Just like Anthy.
Don’t make me say what I didn’t say, though. Touga gets to have way more agency than ever does Anthy, and he certainly doesn't endure the same dehumanization as she does. Anthy does have agency in a way. But she expresses it in hidden, implicit ways : playing tricks, hitting people in their sore spots, sarcasm, empty eyes and fake smiles. She’s manipulative and Touga is, too. These two share many similarities, though they can’t completely blend with each other, of course.
We don’t know much about Touga’s childhood. We know he and Nanami were adopted (or “sold”) to the Kiryuu family at a young age. That’s basically it in the canon of the series. Though, Touga’s backstory in the movie, showing him being sexually abused by his adoptive father, was apparently meant to be included in the series as well :
Although the TV series touched upon Touga’s younger days, the film goes into more details – the wound of Touga that was never directly depicted. In his younger days, Touga was a normal kid who enjoyed happy times with his friend Saionji Kyouichi and his younger sister Nanami. However, he came to know his unfortunate fate from the time he was ordered by his parents to wear his hair long. His parents sold him to the Kiryuu family. Although he was an adopted son on the surface, the instinctive Touga knew what that meant. And in order to protect his younger sister, he accepted his lot. Being sold. We did not go into depicting what Touga’s parents obtained by going as far as selling their son. We would like you to think of it as a kind of metaphor.
And Touga accepted in silence the sexual abuse from his new parents. His personality changed while he made a magnanimous show of enjoying the abuses in order to prevent his personality from splitting. The change took place in a spot so deep in his mind, that even those closest to him did not notice. Saionji and Nanami never noticed out of their innocence. And Touga never told his secret to anyone. It is said that a human being gains whatever he lost in exchange. So what did Touga gain in exchange at that point in time? It was the sense of alienation from being abused every night and seeing his innocent friend and sister during the day. The alienated self.
(Extract of a comment Enokido, one of the writers who worked on Utena, wrote about Touga’s role in the Utena movie.)
Of course, you could argue whether or not the sexual abuse is canon or not in the series. After all, the series and the movie don’t seem to take place in the same canon (even though it is hard to completely disconnect the two). Whatever you choose to believe, I personally think it all makes so much sense.
It makes sense regarding Touga’s general behavior in the series (but this is more touched upon in the essay I linked above) and it makes his goal and his narrative role much clearer.
Being sold like a mere object, knowing a much harsher truth about life Saionji and Nanami don’t know about, showing everyone a stronger facade in order to not completely lose your mind and keep protecting your friend and your sister from this reality and eventually... letting them know in a painfully gendered way, perpetuating everything this system has forced on you.
It has all become part of you.
Keeping the cycle of violence going became part of your blood and flesh. Making clear who is supposed to inflict pain and who is supposed to receive it. Who is supposed to protect and who is supposed to be protected. Who is supposed to act and who is supposed to wait.
And you ? No, you’re never supposed to hurt anymore. You want a way out of this. For you, the easiest way is to simply reclaim the place that was always prepared for you to take.
When Touga and Saionji found Utena in her coffin, it feels like Touga knew something Saionji didn’t. Saionji felt it too, but he wasn’t able to recognize what it was. After all, he was still a child. Touga knew about the same thing Utena learned with her parents’ death : they both had a glimpse of what the “adult world” (Akio’s world) actually looks like, shattering their juvenile knowledge of the world.
A world where people die. A world where the weak lose. A world where the prince should protect the princess.
Touga already had a coffin. Utena just found hers and was about to find a new one. Saionji was just finding his.
It all makes sense regarding how obedient Touga is to Akio and why he seeks his validation, his desire to go up in the hierarchy aside. It makes sense because he is “alienated”. Touga got deprived of everything, he knows the burden of being alive and he’s learned, from his early childhood, to be compliant.
He seems independent during the Student Council arc and a majority of the series, but eps 35 and 36 show he is not the mastermind of it all. He has a privileged position but unlike some other characters, Touga never uses his agency to try to break out of the system ─ he follows its rules and tries to reinforce his dominance.
Why would you break out from a system serving you so well ?
“I want to become like him. I want power like his.”
Touga is alienated to the system and his only goal is to become what it expects of him. After all, why wouldn’t he ? Being a prince is the best position offered by the system. Being a prince means acquiring an absolute power. With such power, one doesn’t die and is forever out of reach and harm and pain. Who wouldn’t want such a thing ?
The prince never saves the princess out of selflessness. He saves her because it gives him a reward in exchange. He saves her because it gives him power and control over her and ultimately, everyone else. And so, the princess becomes a "toy" wannabe princes has to win, to conquer.
Does Touga, even during what seems to be his most “sincere” moment in ep 36, ever wish to protect Utena for something else than possessing her ? When could have he learned to know and appreciate her as a person, rather than a princess ? A reward to conquer ?
When did he stop wishing he could’ve saved Utena just like Akio did ? I believe he might be genuine, yet he acts toward Utena exactly like she acts toward Anthy. He wants to save her for his own sake, regardless of her personal hopes and desires.
It’s truly sad, though. Because all of it is nothing but a childish dream. There was never once a prince in this world. Only boring and abusive adults.
“Are you really happy with that?”
Well, when it comes down to it, probably not. But was it ever about happiness ? Probably not either. The pursuit of power only ever leads to isolation, to a complete lack of meaning ─ after all, friendship is a fool’s thing. No one can reach what’s behind the facade.
Saionji was able to confront Touga with his own lies and paradoxes, get as close to his real self anyone probably could. But it wasn’t enough. Saionji himself didn’t go as far as leaving the system entirely, even when it seemed he had cracked it all. Touga sort of did, too.
As far as I’m concerned, we only heard his own, deep thoughts once.
“Kiryuu Touga, the playboy Student Council President... Is it? "Playboy" sounds old-fashioned.”
Touga weaponized himself. He weaponized his body (sex is only a tool to aim for power). He weaponized his heart (relationships only matter if you use them to your advantage. Those who believe in love and friendship are fools and will be ultimately be used to someone else’s advantage). And for what ?
I really like the symbolism of the poppy flower in ep 35. I feel like it symbolizes Akio’s power, in a way. I’m incredibly bad when it comes to the language of flowers (so everyone is free to correct me) but please bear with me. In the East, red poppy flowers apparently symbolize romantic love and success (what it probably means for the girl confessing to Touga, as well as Akio when he “eats” it in this scene, since Touga and him are talking about Utena) but it can also symbolize “luxurious pleasures and fantastic extravagance”. In the Japanese language of flowers, red poppies can also symbolize someone “fun-loving”. I feel like both of these work with Akio and I believe that for Touga, they are a symbol of luxury and extravagance.
Yet another girl confessed to him. Without even thinking about it, he kissed her. He will never read her confession letter, he probably didn’t even notice it. He will probably simply leave it on the floor, without a care. This pursuit of power isn’t even fulfilling to him, there’s absolutely no thought behind it. Only automatic actions, behaviors working in favor of someone else’s greater scheme. He won’t even get to actually possess Utena.
He will never get what he truly wants. Is there even anything that he truly wants ? Saionji, maybe. In the meantime, he’s just a tool for a system. A system made up by boring adults, based on lies, illusions and unachievable dreams.
Touga is condemned to go in cycles. He’s given everything to overcome what keeps him stuck and trapped, but it doesn’t do anything. He can only revolve around his own coffin, completing the same circle, again and again.
He doesn’t know how to do anything else.
It will never make anything he’s done forgivable. But at least, maybe one day, he’ll realize. Or maybe never.
We can always create new roads, leading to worlds completely unknown to us, where everything needs to be built. Anthy and Utena are here to show the way, who deserves to follow these new roads is only up to you.
On a purely personal standpoint... I was never really able to answer this question.
“No. It's not over until we see it through the very end.”
#this took an eternity (lol) to get done. welp.#i started this in *checks notes* february 2022#the original ramble post that gave birth to this post is way older than this#i felt like this was. too obvious or whatever. but i wanted to finish it for myself ig#posting mediocre meta in order to cope !#does this post make me a touga enjoyer ?? idk. i kinda hate him still#hate him so much i wrote an entire post about him. ahah. im a fool#ive just seen the 'it's because i'm a feminist' screenshot and i genuinely felt like deleting this entire post. he is a clown. i am CLOWN#at this point i should write meta about the movie someday. i should#this post is just a long explanation of the 'touga ; anthy and utena function as a triangle. the triforce of abuse if you will' idea#utena meta#shoujo kakumei utena#revolutionary girl utena#sku#rgu#touga kiryuu#kiryuu touga#d.txt
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The fucked up evil squid and the pharmacist who worked with him
Extra doodle of my sona under cut //
Nothing big, just inspired by my room, memories of mine, and the songs "Egoist" and "Mycelium"
#I missed drawing them#For those maybe wondering. I deleted my old accounts in the midst of a bit of a manic episode! Sorry for that ( ´Д`)ノ#Im getting better now dwdw#I could go on for hours about fun little non Canon ideas I have for drawings. Side games. Otherwise#About Maddikraken? YabureKamone?#Ikakabure?#Ill just. Leav it up to yall#They are the worsties ever comma hate them#●Posts from Yomakai#□ yolo watch 2!#Yokai watch#Chairman mckraken#Mckraken#Maddiman#drmaddiman
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👍
#i went to sleep at 3am and its 6am now bc i criedmyself to sleep 👍👍#sorry to ventdump my annoying insecurities again#i cant bring myself to do something i really want anymore#been having these thoughts since last year but this year its a lot more apparent#ideas are not scarce but the motivation/time to execute them are#i wish i could take an indefinite break on taking commissions bc by the time im finished with all of them im too burnt out/1#to draw for my blog and by the time it passes my motivation for these ideas also vanishes/2#I cant actually stop now bc im still an unpaid internee working for experience+portfolio so I need the money#I feel like shit whenever i can't get art done at the appropriate timing (ex: thematic holiday/character bday/event etc)#everything passes too fast and its already too late and the hype dies#its so hard to stay relevant and charismatic enough#Looking back I can't say im 100% satisfied with ANY art i posted this year#“was it worthy? is it still relevant? did I waste my time doing this?”#im too overly emotional over this (unfortunately) popular fictional lion beastman#“I want to yume/draw him more often/talk more about him!”#why? hes already popular enough. He has louder and more popular users who do that for him. nobody would care if it's you.#you'd get a swarm of hate. nobody would send you nice asks about it.#you don't get nearly half of the asks you used to receive back then. people just aren't interested in you anymore.#maybe you should delete your blog and start drawing trendy doodles of whatever is being hyped up at the moment.#.#if I can't execute original ideas what's the point of it?#I hate HATE having to do trendy art of whatever unfunny meme is being hyped up at the moment#but sometimes its necessary for the algorithm to boost you and to get some actual crumbs of engagement and new followers#what else can I do? being interesting on your own or having an interesting oc is no easy feat. I envy those who manage.
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hey i really think you should do an anon death counter if ya want... think it would be pretty cool...
all these dying anons remind me of 'dumb ways to die' except by the hands of medic tf2 lol
im not sure what the exact number would be at this point.. but considering the amount of anons that usually die either in posted asks or right in the askbox, it would not be a small one!!
#we've have a pretty decent amount of anons die in posts i believe#and those i could go count for an accurate number (so far)#but it would be funny if i were to include the anons i just delete right in the askbox as well#of which there are.... very many#i have lost count#but if youre curious#if i give an anon a warning not to do something in a post#and then i receive an ask doing that anyway#it gets deleted#i warned you! you did not heed the warning so i am killing you#some examples of this include biting me or surprise hugs or not hurting my birds or whatever else..#you get one (1) warning if im generous and then im killing you if you disrespect me#hate and general disrespect of course gets deleted right away im not answering those i simply will not waste my time <3#and then every once in a while#there will be an ask that i just dont know how to answer yet and it sat in my askbox for far too long and i never got to it or#sometimes ones i just dont feel like answering#many many many poor anons that have been slaughtered by my hand it seems aheh#the doc is in
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sorrry ppl who donr follow me for utmv dtuff & sorry canon-strict ppll but nm & killer r soo incredibly important to me can u imagine being the embodiment the literal proof that there is bad and pain in this world or being the loowest of the low & then you have a silly bestfriend who u loveclove love lovr love so mjch & ur so fucked up u dont know where u end & your reluctant life purpose begins but u have a silly bestrfriend who wraps your wounds and youure all he reallyneeds & hes all you really need do you get it. do you get it. do you get it.
#cool posts#delete later maybe#utmv#nightmare sans#killer sans#‘they hate eachither in canon’ I DONT CARE 🔥🔥🔥 ‘they only like being evil’ I DONT CARE 🔥🔥🔥🔥#actually thats not true i do care that they r evil & i do think theyre evil & like being evil#theyvhate eachother sobmuch they love eachother so much they r indifferent to the other theyvwoukd kill eachother for a greater purpose#they have to see eachothers faces every day for decades mimicing some memory of the past they get to see eachothers faces every day with the#warmth accumulated over being obligated tonsokeone for so long hed saw off his arm if he was chained to him hed take a bullet for him & he h#as before and will again and agoan and again#DO YOU GET IT. DO YOU GET IT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND#i have have have to draw this out words arent enough i canr explain clearly enough they r such deep in depth characters to me.#just interpret everything i say as correct#its also 1am. but i canr forget this i have to type it out even if its shittty#what daydreammjng every wakng moment for 6 years about 2 guys does to a mf#i also think this applies no mayter how u interpret their relationship#ok ok ok i’m ok im fine im normal im so normal im done
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i cant keep it hidden any longer
#i get nervousss n shit about gettin character voices all wrong#i spent all of yesterday worryin about if theyd say each others first names or last names or WHAT ! idkkk#i didnt write any more than this But i rlly rlly want to#basing this over the exact types of convos me n my friend have When i watch her play granny#i say dumb shit like ooohhh shes gonna get you Or why are you so mean to this old lady😢😢😢 to rile her up🤭 cos its funny#and then when i run out of things to say i start asking shitty would you rather questions like Would you rather make out with granny#or springtrap. would u rather have to be angel dust Hazbin hotel(she HATES him) or Pinkypills william afton (also HATES)#idk how id write that for these guys. ik theres gotta be a way though#my rambles#homestuck#writing feels more vulnerable than just my silly ass drawins Cos its lettin ppl peek in2 how i think n perceive shit . its intimidatinggg#but im posting it anyways !! ill fight off the urge to delete it the best i can#sayin all this Meanwhile it’s just a few lines from a pesterlog emulator LMAO . i take myself too seriously w stuff like this#rhas my problem i think . joviality come to me NOW! i am lighthearted and carefree about rhis#yaaaayayayaaayy!!!!#FOR THOSE WHO DONT KNOW. GRANNY IS A SHITTY MOBILE PUZZLE HORROR GAME. THE OG !!!#all the shit like Piggy on roblox. thats copying granny 😤😤😤😡😡😡#my drabbles
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