#and this one thing ive been working on for like over a year now. just a one shot.
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Not Alone Part 2 (Medication)(Eddie X You)
A/N: This is what I mentioned writing the other night and is a part to this ask here.
I want to say that I have had so many experiences with medications since I was diagnosed with my mental health issues in 2016. I had watched it help people like myself after so many trials and errors and I've watched it hurt people to their core. I've been physically hurt to the point where I was vomiting and curled up on the bathroom floor. I've had pills that messed with my brain chemistry to the point a friend found me sobbing on the floor terrified I was going to die. All that fun stuff and to be honest the worst part was no feeling heard.
I would tell doctors how much pain I was in and they would tell me it was normal. After a couple of days I would tell them something wasn't right and I was told to give it more time. It wasn't until 2019 I finally found a doctor who worked with me and realized that my brain and stomach are extremely sensitive to meds and we have to start on the lowest doses first before moving up. Ive been on my current set of pills since then and it's changed my life.
Of course, mental health meds don't fix everything and I was suggested a vitamin that help with calming your mind. Yesterday, I took and what the reader feels about her quiet mind is how I felt. I didn't know what to do with myself. Honestly, I just wanted to be held and told everything is ok.
But yeah, my advise to you is trust your gut. If you want to take medication and notice somethings off voice your concern. If you don't like what a drug does or how it affects you, say something. DO NOT let a doctor walk all over you. If I've learned anything over the last few years, it's that all doctors are human and like humans...they make mistakes and can be assholes.
Warnings: Mentions of mental health concerns, details on medication symptoms (tummy ache, vomiting, change in personality, quiet mind), feels of "being a bother" More then anything this is Eddie taking care of you and him making sure you're ok. Mr. White Knight <3.
Word Count: 1579
“Ok and what should we be on the lookout for?”, Eddie asks as his hand remains intertwined with yours.
The doctor you had just met at the insistence of your family heavily exhaled as your boyfriend asked him another question that seemed to annoy him.
“Look, Mr. Munson, she’s going to be fine. This medication helps so many people to be relaxed and quiet their mind. At most, she’ll be so relaxed that you both will get a good night’s sleep. Now, I do have other patients waiting.”
As he begins to walk the door, the metalhead starts to follow before you grab his elbow and pull him back.
“Stop it, freak.”, you tease as he tosses you a smile back.
“Hey, I just want to know that you’re safe. I don’t like seeing you in pain or anything. I know your depression tells you no one cares but I do.”
Beaming up at him, you pull his lips to yours as he wraps his arms around you to hug you to his chest.
***
“Y/N? How are you feeling so far, baby?”
It had been about an hour since you took the antidepressant the doctor recommended and Eddie noticed within 5 minutes of taking it your entire body language changed. You seemed…heavier…as if there was a weight baring down on you and folding your frame.
His careful eyes followed you around the trailer as you silently grabbed a water bottle and sat cross legged on the couch to watch tv. The thing was…he could tell in your eyes that you weren’t really paying attention. You seemed to be looking through the tv instead of comprehending anything going on.
“I’m…I’m ok.”
“Can you give me more than that, please?”, Eddie asked as he sat down beside you.
“I’m…calm. I don’t feel anything really. Like…I’m relaxed but…I kind of just want to curl up into a ball.”, you mumble raising another red flag in his brain.
“Why is that do you think?”
“It’s going to sound dumb.”, you sigh as you hang your head.
“Hey.”, he coos as his fingers lift your chin. “Nothing you say is dumb to me. I’m a freak remember?”
Eddie smirks at the sound of your laugh but even that sounds out of place. This particular metalhead was never a fan of medication. He believed it worked and helped people but in his experience it made things worse. His uncle once tried to put him on ADHD medication when he was a boy and promptly took him off it when he noticed his nephew’s personality completely change. In later years, weed helped calm him down along with his music and creating a campaign for Hellfire.
You had told him once, you struggled with finding your purpose. Your family made you believe that paying bills and working a desk job is normal. It’s the only thing in realty that was attainable.
With him, he showed you a new world that you absolutely loved and encouraged you to try new things like writing or learning an instrument for yourself. Since you had started seeing him, you felt like someone cared and put you first, constantly making you feel wanted and seen.
Throughout your time together, he watched a personality unfold that made him fall more in love with you every day and truth be told he was terrified that medication would strip that away but if it could help you be happy and achieve your dreams than he was open to the idea.
“My mind…has never been quiet. As far as I can remember something’s been…buzzing around in there, you know? This…this scares me…I don’t know…what to do with the silence.”
Eddie’s heart cracks listening to your explanation as he pets your head and kisses your temple.
“Well, sweetheart, things will never be silent with me as your boyfriend.”
Giggling, you crawl into his lap and melt into his embrace as he softly plays with your hair.
***
Three hours later the energy changed as you felt a pain in your stomach you had never felt before. Rushing to the bathroom, you threw up over and over again as Eddie held your hair back.
“Everything’s ok, baby.”, he whispered before turning his attention to the phone next to his ear. “No, I don’t fucking care that he’s not there! Then give me another fucking doctor to talk to. My girlfriend hasn’t stopped throwing up in the last thirty minutes. I refuse to believe that’s fucking normal!”
“Look, sir, there’s nothing we can do about it over the phone and like I said with mental health medication, it is common for it to cause the symptoms she’s experiencing. After a while, they will go away.”
“What is ‘a while’?”
“Usually after 2 weeks, your body gets used to the—”
“Oh, hell no! You’re saying she’s going to be in this much pain for that long?! What about her job, her life, her fucking sanity!? Aren’t these pills supposed to help with the depression!? How does that help!?”
“Eddie…”, you cry as you try to reach for his arm to calm him down.
“Listen, we have an opening for you to see her doctor tomorrow morning. Bring her in and we can take a look.”
“Yeah we’ll do that.”, he sasses before hanging up the phone. “Here, sweetheart. Drink some of this water and then we’ll go lay down ok?”
“I’m sorry.”, you sob causing him to grab a tissue to wipe your eyes.
“You have nothing to be sorry for—”
“I’m causing problems. I’m making things difficult for you—”
“No, baby, No. Listen to me, Y/N. The only thing that’s difficult for me is watching you hurt like this. I knew that fucker wasn’t taking you seriously. I swear to God when we get in there tomorrow—”
“Please…I just wanna lay down.”
Nodding, Eddie careful lifts you and lays you in his bed, bringing the covers up over your frame. After placing a trashcan by the bed and the water on his nightstand, he crawls in behind you and pulls you into his arms, gently kissing your shoulder as he listens to your breath.
***
“Alright, Miss Y/L/N, now I heard you were having some symptoms in regard to the medication and—”
“She’s not taking that bullshit anymore. Check her over and make sure she’s not dehydrated or needs a hospital and then you can fuck off.”, Eddie growled from his place in front of you like the protector he was.
“Listen there’s no need for—”
“There’s a huge fucking need. She came to you for help and you just toss any drug at her without really speaking to her about her history?! You didn’t properly warn her about the side effects. Trust me, the most that happened wasn’t ‘a good night’s sleep’. She threw up half the fucking night and sobbed in arms. Do you know what that’s like?! Having someone you love being in pain and feel so fucking helpless?!”
The doctor cleared his throat as he sighed.
“She said it calmed her mind but to an extent she didn’t know how to handle. You don’t just thrust someone into that. You have to ease them in so they don’t get overwhelmed. You should know that…or did years in medical school strip you have your humanity and common fucking sense?”
“Let, um, let me look her over here.”
Eddie’s intense eyes watched the doctor as he checked you out and you confirmed you felt better since you didn’t take the pill again for day 2.
“She seems fine and one day on the drug won’t hurt her mentally. I recommend a day to rest and then she’ll be as she was.”
The metalhead, seemingly satisfied with his answer, took you in his arms and gently placed you on the tile.
“I’m not trying to be a dick, doctor. She’s been through so much already and all by herself. Lord knows I’m not perfect but if I can help her I will. You dropped the ball here, sir, and I hope you don’t again.”
***
“Thank you.”, you murmur as your arms wrap tighter around him while you both lay in bed listening to the music and the rain outside. “For standing up for me. My family and doctors always treat me like I’m being overdramatic.”
“No, baby, you’re not. You deserve to be heard. My mom’s medication used to make her sick all the time and she would brush it off saying it was part of the process. I know they helped her with her pain but…”
“Will you help me look into maybe some alternatives? Something that can help me without changing or hurting me? Or maybe we can find a doctor that will work with me…”
“Of course, sweetheart.”, he coos as he kisses your forehead. “You’re not an inconvenience or a problem by the way. You say that a lot when you’re low. I really do like helping you and or taking care of you. You’ve always been there for me and I see how you are with other people including some that don’t deserve your kindness. You deserve to have someone help you take the reins from time to time.”
“What did I do to deserve you, Eddie Munson?”, you smile up at him.
His chest vibrates as he laughs and grins down at you.
“I don’t know. Probably some voodoo chant or dance or something.”
##########
Eddie Asks
#eddie munson#eddie fanfic#eddie munson fluff#eddie stranger things#stranger things fanfiction#stranger things#joseph quinn#joseph quinn fluff#joseph quinn fanfiction#joseph quinn stranger things#fan fiction#eddie munson fanfic#eddie x reader#eddie x y/n#eddie x fem!reader#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x reader#you matter#you are not alone#you are loved#you are worthy#you are beautiful#you are enough
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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!
#probably the nerdiest thing i will ever read in my entire life but I AM SO HAPPY#Its the unabridged and corrected 1992 republication btw. if you wanna get specific#the only book in which i have actually decided to read the introductory notes and i do NOT regret it because the editor's one IMMEDIATELY#brought up the “oh but surely the second dimension has thickness how else would flatlanders see anything” AND GAVE A REALLY GOOD ANSWER.#which i cannot tell you here. bc it is several paragraphs long and idk how i would shorten it. i would hit tag limit. if thats a thing.#anyways. I'm only a little bit into the first part which basically explains how Flatland works as a society so i haven't even gotten to the#sphere yet but OH MAN I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT A ROUND OBJECT IN MY LIFE#IM LOSING IT OVER THIS BOOK AAAA :D#me: im so glad i dont have a math class during my senior year! now i dont have to learn anything math-related!#also me: but what if i started studying a complex and almost entirely theoretical part of geometry#bc YEAH i didn't just buy this book bc of gravity falls. I BOUGHT IT BC IVE BEEN RESEARCHING THE 4TH DIMENSION WOOOOOOO!!!!!#one thing i will say i dont like. introductory note suggests the the 4th dimension might be time. this is ok tho bc its followed up with#also saying that time is not a spatial dimension and exist across the 0 1st 2nd and 3rd dimensions which. that epuld mean we live in 4d#already. so. i was worried for a second but THANK YOU THANK YOU OH MY GOD PEOPLE TRYING TO SAY “OH THE 4TH DIMENSION IS TIME” I HATE THAT SO#MUCH AAAAGGHHHH AT LEAST RECOGNIZE ITS NOT SPATIAL!!! TIME IS NOT A SPATIAL DIMENSION!!!!!!! IF IT WAS THEN 4D TRAVEL AND TIME TRAVEL WPULD#BE FHE SAME THING AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MUCH COOLER POSSIBILITIES WPULD BE THROWN AWAY IF THAT WAS THAT CASE!!!!! AND. AND. IF THE 4TH#DIMENSION IS TIME. THEN WHATS THE 5TH?? 6TH?? YPU CANT KEEP GOINF ON FOREVER LIKE THAT. YPURE JUST MAKEING MORE 3D WORLSS WITH STUFF IN#ADDITION TO TIME. INTERESTING BUT THAY IS NOT ABOHT HIGHRER DIEMSBSJSNSBAKAJSHDHDHHDHDHDJ#sorry for the rant. jsut. agh i want a spatial 4th dimension. i dont think tesseracts exist through time that would just be an aged cube#anyways yeahhh i love the 4th dimension. new hyperfixation or new special interest? ill have to wait and see. anyways i have done it i have#an oc whos 4 dimensional now and she is the coolest ever i love her#but yeah this book is sosososo good i am literally gonna bring it to school to read instead of draw bc i would lose it if i didn't#10/10 would recommend to anyone who wants to Think
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its important to go see a low stakes concert sometimes
#as in seeing someone in concert youre not an absolute nutbag about (as i have done this year and last year)#but last night me n my dad went and saw renaissance on their farewell tour#running on like 4 hours of sleep and seething to be at work right now#or rather i would be seething if i weren't so tired#new anger management hack: just get less sleep so your senses are dulled! anyway#funniest part of the night was the multiples times when my dad who is old was like 'everyone here is so old :/'#he was literally like 'if i ever get like these people just shoot me' LMAO#the concert was good i wouldn't call it like great or fantastic but such is the beauty of a low stakes concert#youre not living and dying on every song youre not singing along to everything youre just. enjoyin the show normally which is crazy#again as someone who has seen two bands (both bands two separate times and is seeing one of those bands a THIRD TIME soon) im crazy over#that experience is fun its bonkers and you definitely gotta do it for the bands youre crazy over. you gotta#but it was nice to just. have a regular time at a show#as far as the show itself there were a few little moments where things didnt go as smooth but that may have been bc it was the first show#and save for a few moments in some songs annie haslam knocked it out of the park she can still sing as insanely good as she used to#again some parts of songs were in a lower key? but most seemed to be the same and she was still hitting those bonkers high notes#so good for her. the band was pretty good but i felt they really only like all worked together well on a few songs#if that makes sense. but overall pretty good#and my anxieties about getting there and back were unfounded bc somehow it all worked. yay#our car service trip home was in a tesla i felt like i was gonna die the entire ride home lol#i am NEVER getting in one of those stupid cars again. big ass ipad as your dashboard this is insane???? im so scared???#anywho. old musicians are forever as ive been saying lately. and they really are#oh also we were at the town hall which is a nice small theater i was worried abt bein too far away but it's laid out really well#in that you're sure to get a pretty good view of the stage#it seems like half the size roughly of the beacon for whatever thats worth#OH i did see one dude somewhere in the audience with a sparks shirt so. hashtag represent#yet another concert report. yayyyyy#(im so tired)
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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#i dunno man#everytime i read some new thing about covid and long covid#i just feel like im losing my marbles#im the only one still masking it feels like#nobody at my drs offices wear them even the soecialists#my therapist acts like this is an irrational fear of mine#so i dont talk about it as much#shes happy im not isolating myself. and not full of crippling guilt when i do go out#which is good#i agree with her on that#but. ive been numbering my bags with my n95s since i rewear them a few times#ive been using n95s since i took this job. three years in october#which is wild the longest ive worked in one place is just over a year--all seasonal work or short internships. not because i leave#or get fired/laid off#but im getting down to the end of the alphabet#i dont know what ill do when i do#literally as far as labels but also like. its a lot you know?#im debating trying new mask styles. i wanted to ages ago but hoped. i wouldnt need to wear them for much longer#now it feels like i always will.#so. second best time to plant a tree and all.#i want to get out and make friends and do fun stuff. but it's so fuckibg hard and scary#how can i make friends when i cant relax in small indoor spaces#when i. cant eat out at restaurants (due to food issues and masking)#when inviting people to my house makes me anxious for days#how can i make friends under those circumstances?#im so lonely. and so envious#of my friends who do stuff and gave partners. i want that for me but i cant have it. before it was because i moved. ecery 3-6 months#now its this. is it realky any wonder that i nearly cried reading that fic the other day#when Etho took off his mask. and it was treated so fucking kindly and like the trust geasture it was? that it would be. for me?#maybe trust is the wrong word. i dont know. comfort? feeling safe in a space with someone who respects me and my health?
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#meg talks#feeling really down and frustrated#ever since i caught covid over the new year ive just been doing so badly#it’s now halfway through may and not only am i having all sorts of weird new pain problems#to the point where i dragged myself to the er yesterday bc my usual meds didn’t do shit for me and i spent seven hours writhing in pain#but also mentally im just. constantly tapped out#before covid i was able to keep up w news and work on research projects and write multiple image descriptions every day and read books#and keep up w friends all while working full time#like even if i was in bed p much whenever i wasn’t at work i could still read and write and carry conversations#now it’s like i can only handle all of these things in small doses before my brain just shuts off#im still keeping up w news and describing what i can and working on my research projects and trying to make connections#but i feel so slow abt everything i do#it’s driving me up the wall#ive been trying for days to get through this one academic paper that’s rlly not even that long#and i just can’t do it. not for long anyway i have to read in small bursts#and then having to take muscle relaxants for these fucking spasms that make me really drowsy and sleep the whole day away…#idk. it might not even be abt covid i might be reading too much into it but it’s just pissing me off. thinking abt how nobody masks anymore#and how every time there’s a covid outbreak i won’t be able to properly protect myself or my brothers from it#bc of this fuckass job#idk im just tired and upset
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i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god
#purrs#but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so#fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done.#like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong#enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long#and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and#consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that#everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered#out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am#forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR#FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY#FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am#the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i#HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help#and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL#delete later
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Part of me is like 'I've been a student for so long, how am I gonna handle being Not A Student..!??!' In terms of like. Self perception, I guess.
I think my psyche is already raring for it tho. Here I am daydreaming looking at house listings and writing a damned baby au bc my brain has decided I kinda want one of those, too.
I'll still always be a mega nerd. But fuck dude. I guess I'm an adult, too.
#speculation nation#not that students arent adults. technically ive been an adult for 9 years.#but when ur a young student it doesnt Feel like ur an adult... not really.#now that im genuinely interested in more 'adult' things it has me going like. Huh. duly noted.#like i kinda just rly wanna settle down. yknow?#wanna find a longterm partner if i can. someone who'd be open to raising kids with me. bc thats apparently smth i want.#i Do want kids. even if im undecided whether id prefer adoption or not.#so i need to find someone who'd be open to that too. and also would be open to living in indiana. bc i dont want to leave here.#just. Sigh. somewhere along the years ive ended up being like. a genuine adult.#i do still need to get my license lol. i need to reach out to my cousin about that again soon#once things calm down a bit more with school. ive been dealing with Too Many Deadlines...#ultimately. idk. just looking to the future i guess. i Am an adult. and im gonna have to fully accept that at some point.#for now tho... one more year of interacting with 18-22 year olds and pretending im Totally just one of them.#i mean. i am. but also it's less common for older students to exist in general.#but i do have the benefit of a baby face lol. none of them expect me to be 27. and that works just fine for me.#i just dont feel like having that conversation over and over and over again 😭😭😭
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okay so i am once again in a bit of a pickle due to the fact that i never learn from my mistakes :)
#there's this guy at work that i kind of fancy right?#not the guy from a couple of years ago this is another one and tbh i like him way more like we really vibe#and a couple of months ago we kind of started flirting as a joke? like at first it wasn't even flirting we just paid each other compliments#but it. kind of got out of hand? like now we're DEFINITELY flirting and we hug every time we see each other and so on#and like today he kind of asked me out?? like he asked when we're gonna go out and i generically said whenever he wants so uhhh#i bought some time but also i basically said yes OOPS#like ive been thinking i need to chill and slow this down until i figure it out but then i apparently can't stop running my fucking mouthhhh#the thing is. before the summer i did this whole thing to kind of reconnect w my ex#and things seemed to kind of work even though we didn't get together and also she's gonna be out of town for at least another year#but it's not like i have any certainty that when she comes back we're gonna get back together or anything#it's just. she's the love of my life and half the time i think there's no point in dating other people#and then the other half i think i really need to get over it#but the thing is i really care about this guy. i don't want to end up hurting him at all which is probably gonna happen if i keep doing this#I ALWAYS DO THISSSSSS#I ALWAYS JOKINGLY FLIRT W PEOPLE AND THEN IT GETS REAL AND IM OH SHIT NVM DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT
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another childhood bucket list item obtained: i finally have a snuggie
#and it's the real thing not even a knockoff#kinda surprised they still exist#but also not surprised bc Blanket. blanket is universal#i just remember a lot of those As Seen On Tv ads like. imploding within 5 years#they still do As Seen On Tv products like there are still boxes marked with that logo it almost feels wrong like an ancient relic#bc most like. ubiquitous 2000s brands from my childhood are just Gone or at least so fundamentally changed it's not the same thing#heard about like 50 more companies going bankrupt probably in the last year alone#anyway ive always wanted a snuggie it's one of those Always Wanted things that never go away#others include: staples easy button (obtained!); mini fridge (not); pillow pet (i had a knockoff once); power drill (not)#i spent a surprising amount of my childhood actually going out of my way to buy stuff i could use in my own apartment in the future#i grew up lower middle class and then just lower class#so like. i always Knew i couldn't just furnish the whole apartment at once i Knew I'd have to build stuff up over time#also bc when my sister got kicked out she had like. nothing. in her trailer. and i did not want to have nothing#i knew if dad was willing to just toss out my sister like that i would absolutely follow suit#and i did! two years younger than my sister when she was!#it just happened that my mom didn't want me homeless at FOURTEEN when i legally could not work for two more years#so she went with me and we lived with my grandma#so take that dad. turns out throwing family members out willy nilly makes the rest of your family not trust you or like you!#and now i get to rub it in his face that HE can't function in a house by himself and still needs to beg my mom to clean up after him#bc i spent so much of my childhood getting berated and called lazy for not doing chores#getting told stuff like 'you have to function by yourself your parents can't always pick up after you'#and then he's literally useless without his wife#he's not disabled and he's not neurodivergent he's never even had a serious health scare he just doesn't bother to learn how to clean#his excuse is that he doesn't know how to use the washer and dryer (it has been almost ten years fucker. learn)#or he doesn't know which cleaning products to use (you have google and a library card. LOOK IT UP)#he's the only person i get mad at for this behaviour bc he's a fucking hypocrite and a child abuser about it too#he is the exception to my rule of everyone needs to be given the space to get things done where they're able and deserve help when needed#and I'll bend over backwards to make excuses for other people so i DONT exclude them from my rule i will try to find every good reason first#he has no fucking excuse though he made two teenagers nearly homeless bc he thought we were too lazy and then he's even worse
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me (not joking, very stressed): i think im going to have a mental breakdown if something else goes wrong here.
everyone irl: hahahhahaa ur so funny(:
#i am literally 2 secobds from vomiting over how stressed i am about some worm stuff#*work stuff#but im glad my discomfort is entertaining for them 🙃🙃🙃#(im seriously fine i just have crippling anxiety to the point i speedran the medcard process in my state from how mt assessment went)#(and this would stress Anyone out so yk. i feel like im dying hahahaha)#im also aware mt reaction 8s an over reaction#it just like. kinda sucks that even when im being genuine no one believes me ;~;#no one really believes me unless im like. Actively spiraling in front of them#and then instead of offering support 9/10 ppl get mad and scared and upset that im having a reaction Period#bc they are so large and disproportionate 🤩#anyway. i may actually vomit about this cauze.my stomach wont calm down#and like theres truly solutions there#theres truly things that can be done#im just..so crisised out#between work and personal i have literally not had a SINGLE MONTH this year w/o some major crisis happening around me that im pulled into#i feel so sick#and i have to isolate myself to fix this but dont have the tiiiiiiiiiime available#so yk. doing Great (':#yes this is why ive been extremely online the last few months and Shari everything#i Cannot keep this in and i Cannot talk to people abt it#bc im at a place now where if im asked probing questions theres a 80% chance im gonna wanna explode#and ethically kt doesnt feel ok to go to people Knowing this will happen#im so deeply bot ok rn i am like. woozy#oh no
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Randomly remembered the half-reason i call my oc-verse by the name it has while laying in bed. One-half of the reason i still knew, but I had forgotten what had truly, really cemented it jointly until now
(it was a song from my favourite band I haven't listened to in a while.)
(the song fit so well at the time, still does, that i needed to hold onto it for the main protagonists forever, by partially naming their story in reference.)
Does this explanation make any sense? Does anyone know why I'm tearing up remembering this. Aahh
#(I'm emotional because I've been feeling bad about it all lately. enjoying things I make I mean—art or ocs or frivilous things.)#(So remembering that song and when it came out. That I couldn't see them in person. But i held onto it my own way. As something I loved)#(Something I still do love a lot... Parts of me saying no—you don't hate it. No. I'll help you remember more. I'm a little misty about it.)#The song is just The Killers - Run For Cover. I couldn't see them in person all those years ago—family went without me.#All my new oc rework with Zin and Hunter and Caia were like a year old or so.#It's a little silly. But the character Zin's derived from was a lightning mage so I stuck to it—I like monhun's zinogre for what its worth#So there's recurring theme and imagery. Thunder's not lightning but the sound and the feeling after the flash the flame and strike.#There's that meaningful thought—the story is the aftermath of a big tragedy. It matches what I like in monsters and other chars.#And at that time—my favourite band I missed out on puts out a really good song I download everywhere and it goes like:#He motioned me to the sky/ I heard heaven and thunder cry/ Run for cover/ Run while you can baby don't look back/ You gotta run for cover#And it goes on of course. The rest of the song's still really good. There's more that fits but point is; More evocative imagery.#So there. Why my bundle of OCs—Zinadia Hunter and Caia's story—is called Thunder 20XX. minus the 20XX. That's tongue-in-cheek#About some day I'll manage to make something tangeable or broadly shareable with them. I guarentee this century!#Thunder... oh my darling Thunder. Eight years man. More than that if I really want to count pre-rework INTO the complete original work. but#I like that it's definably 8. I like that I remembered I've always loved them a lot. Always been my thing to lean on even by name...#I need to get to sleep. Ive gotten a little more emotional over one song than I'd rather regularly be. Give it a listen maybe? Goodnight#Armour clanking#I need an oc tag#What have you gathered to report to your progenitors?🎶Are your excuses any better than your senator's🎶He held a conference#and his wife was standing by his side🎶He did her dirty but no-one died🎶#I saw Sonny Liston on the street last-night black-fisted and strong singing🎶Redemption song🎶#He motioned me to the sky🎶I heard heaven and thunder cry🎶RUN FOR COVER#What are you waiting for—a kiss or an apology?🎶You think by now you'd have an A in toxicology🎶#It's hard to pack the car when all you do is shame us🎶Even harder when the dirtbag's famous🎶#I saw my mother on the street last night all pretty and strong singin🎶The road is long🎶#I said 'Mama I know you tried!'🎶But she fell on her knees and cried🎶RUN FOR COVER#Just run for cover - you've got nothin left to lose...
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