#and this one thing ive been working on for like over a year now. just a one shot. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months

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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time #chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed #away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all #things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get #to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just #miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im #crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the #same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated

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purpurussy · 1 month

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#tw suicide #idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT #i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone #and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess #but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm #but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing #hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse #to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house #and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like #to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age #but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me #also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently #tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me #i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship #but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation #i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself #and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons #most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks #idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear #this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly #sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point #and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have #the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona #so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem #anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope

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butnotbubblegum · 2 months

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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.

#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea #like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit #and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble #and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal #and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die #and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide #like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif #like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat #is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself #is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills #feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing #actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub #i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local #and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id #if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like #such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just #is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state #by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about #living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the #urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends #and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so #fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i #hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever #bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc #everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m #father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop #i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak

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aurorashard · 18 days

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#i dunno man #everytime i read some new thing about covid and long covid #i just feel like im losing my marbles #im the only one still masking it feels like #nobody at my drs offices wear them even the soecialists #my therapist acts like this is an irrational fear of mine #so i dont talk about it as much #shes happy im not isolating myself. and not full of crippling guilt when i do go out #which is good #i agree with her on that #but. ive been numbering my bags with my n95s since i rewear them a few times #ive been using n95s since i took this job. three years in october #which is wild the longest ive worked in one place is just over a year--all seasonal work or short internships. not because i leave #or get fired/laid off #but im getting down to the end of the alphabet #i dont know what ill do when i do #literally as far as labels but also like. its a lot you know?#im debating trying new mask styles. i wanted to ages ago but hoped. i wouldnt need to wear them for much longer #now it feels like i always will.#so. second best time to plant a tree and all.#i want to get out and make friends and do fun stuff. but it's so fuckibg hard and scary #how can i make friends when i cant relax in small indoor spaces #when i. cant eat out at restaurants (due to food issues and masking)#when inviting people to my house makes me anxious for days #how can i make friends under those circumstances?#im so lonely. and so envious #of my friends who do stuff and gave partners. i want that for me but i cant have it. before it was because i moved. ecery 3-6 months #now its this. is it realky any wonder that i nearly cried reading that fic the other day #when Etho took off his mask. and it was treated so fucking kindly and like the trust geasture it was? that it would be. for me?#maybe trust is the wrong word. i dont know. comfort? feeling safe in a space with someone who respects me and my health?

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palms-upturned · 4 months

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#meg talks #feeling really down and frustrated #ever since i caught covid over the new year ive just been doing so badly #it’s now halfway through may and not only am i having all sorts of weird new pain problems #to the point where i dragged myself to the er yesterday bc my usual meds didn’t do shit for me and i spent seven hours writhing in pain #but also mentally im just. constantly tapped out #before covid i was able to keep up w news and work on research projects and write multiple image descriptions every day and read books #and keep up w friends all while working full time #like even if i was in bed p much whenever i wasn’t at work i could still read and write and carry conversations #now it’s like i can only handle all of these things in small doses before my brain just shuts off #im still keeping up w news and describing what i can and working on my research projects and trying to make connections #but i feel so slow abt everything i do #it’s driving me up the wall #ive been trying for days to get through this one academic paper that’s rlly not even that long #and i just can’t do it. not for long anyway i have to read in small bursts #and then having to take muscle relaxants for these fucking spasms that make me really drowsy and sleep the whole day away…#idk. it might not even be abt covid i might be reading too much into it but it’s just pissing me off. thinking abt how nobody masks anymore #and how every time there’s a covid outbreak i won’t be able to properly protect myself or my brothers from it #bc of this fuckass job #idk im just tired and upset

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pepprs · 1 year

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i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god

#purrs #but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so #fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done.#like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong #enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long #and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and #consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that #everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered #out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am #forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR #FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY #FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am #the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i #HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help #and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL #delete later

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bigpeepee · 8 days

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okay so i am once again in a bit of a pickle due to the fact that i never learn from my mistakes :)

#there's this guy at work that i kind of fancy right?#not the guy from a couple of years ago this is another one and tbh i like him way more like we really vibe #and a couple of months ago we kind of started flirting as a joke? like at first it wasn't even flirting we just paid each other compliments #but it. kind of got out of hand? like now we're DEFINITELY flirting and we hug every time we see each other and so on #and like today he kind of asked me out?? like he asked when we're gonna go out and i generically said whenever he wants so uhhh #i bought some time but also i basically said yes OOPS #like ive been thinking i need to chill and slow this down until i figure it out but then i apparently can't stop running my fucking mouthhhh #the thing is. before the summer i did this whole thing to kind of reconnect w my ex #and things seemed to kind of work even though we didn't get together and also she's gonna be out of town for at least another year #but it's not like i have any certainty that when she comes back we're gonna get back together or anything #it's just. she's the love of my life and half the time i think there's no point in dating other people #and then the other half i think i really need to get over it #but the thing is i really care about this guy. i don't want to end up hurting him at all which is probably gonna happen if i keep doing this #I ALWAYS DO THISSSSSS #I ALWAYS JOKINGLY FLIRT W PEOPLE AND THEN IT GETS REAL AND IM OH SHIT NVM DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT

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nexus-nebulae · 9 days

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another childhood bucket list item obtained: i finally have a snuggie

#and it's the real thing not even a knockoff #kinda surprised they still exist #but also not surprised bc Blanket. blanket is universal #i just remember a lot of those As Seen On Tv ads like. imploding within 5 years #they still do As Seen On Tv products like there are still boxes marked with that logo it almost feels wrong like an ancient relic #bc most like. ubiquitous 2000s brands from my childhood are just Gone or at least so fundamentally changed it's not the same thing #heard about like 50 more companies going bankrupt probably in the last year alone #anyway ive always wanted a snuggie it's one of those Always Wanted things that never go away #others include: staples easy button (obtained!); mini fridge (not); pillow pet (i had a knockoff once); power drill (not)#i spent a surprising amount of my childhood actually going out of my way to buy stuff i could use in my own apartment in the future #i grew up lower middle class and then just lower class #so like. i always Knew i couldn't just furnish the whole apartment at once i Knew I'd have to build stuff up over time #also bc when my sister got kicked out she had like. nothing. in her trailer. and i did not want to have nothing #i knew if dad was willing to just toss out my sister like that i would absolutely follow suit #and i did! two years younger than my sister when she was!#it just happened that my mom didn't want me homeless at FOURTEEN when i legally could not work for two more years #so she went with me and we lived with my grandma #so take that dad. turns out throwing family members out willy nilly makes the rest of your family not trust you or like you!#and now i get to rub it in his face that HE can't function in a house by himself and still needs to beg my mom to clean up after him #bc i spent so much of my childhood getting berated and called lazy for not doing chores #getting told stuff like 'you have to function by yourself your parents can't always pick up after you'#and then he's literally useless without his wife #he's not disabled and he's not neurodivergent he's never even had a serious health scare he just doesn't bother to learn how to clean #his excuse is that he doesn't know how to use the washer and dryer (it has been almost ten years fucker. learn)#or he doesn't know which cleaning products to use (you have google and a library card. LOOK IT UP)#he's the only person i get mad at for this behaviour bc he's a fucking hypocrite and a child abuser about it too #he is the exception to my rule of everyone needs to be given the space to get things done where they're able and deserve help when needed #and I'll bend over backwards to make excuses for other people so i DONT exclude them from my rule i will try to find every good reason first #he has no fucking excuse though he made two teenagers nearly homeless bc he thought we were too lazy and then he's even worse

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bunnyboy-juice · 2 months

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me (not joking, very stressed): i think im going to have a mental breakdown if something else goes wrong here.

everyone irl: hahahhahaa ur so funny(:

#i am literally 2 secobds from vomiting over how stressed i am about some worm stuff #*work stuff #but im glad my discomfort is entertaining for them 🙃🙃🙃#(im seriously fine i just have crippling anxiety to the point i speedran the medcard process in my state from how mt assessment went)#(and this would stress Anyone out so yk. i feel like im dying hahahaha)#im also aware mt reaction 8s an over reaction #it just like. kinda sucks that even when im being genuine no one believes me ;~;#no one really believes me unless im like. Actively spiraling in front of them #and then instead of offering support 9/10 ppl get mad and scared and upset that im having a reaction Period #bc they are so large and disproportionate 🤩#anyway. i may actually vomit about this cauze.my stomach wont calm down #and like theres truly solutions there #theres truly things that can be done #im just..so crisised out #between work and personal i have literally not had a SINGLE MONTH this year w/o some major crisis happening around me that im pulled into #i feel so sick #and i have to isolate myself to fix this but dont have the tiiiiiiiiiime available #so yk. doing Great (':#yes this is why ive been extremely online the last few months and Shari everything #i Cannot keep this in and i Cannot talk to people abt it #bc im at a place now where if im asked probing questions theres a 80% chance im gonna wanna explode #and ethically kt doesnt feel ok to go to people Knowing this will happen #im so deeply bot ok rn i am like. woozy #oh no

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seithr · 5 months

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Randomly remembered the half-reason i call my oc-verse by the name it has while laying in bed. One-half of the reason i still knew, but I had forgotten what had truly, really cemented it jointly until now

(it was a song from my favourite band I haven't listened to in a while.)

(the song fit so well at the time, still does, that i needed to hold onto it for the main protagonists forever, by partially naming their story in reference.)

Does this explanation make any sense? Does anyone know why I'm tearing up remembering this. Aahh

#(I'm emotional because I've been feeling bad about it all lately. enjoying things I make I mean—art or ocs or frivilous things.)#(So remembering that song and when it came out. That I couldn't see them in person. But i held onto it my own way. As something I loved)#(Something I still do love a lot... Parts of me saying no—you don't hate it. No. I'll help you remember more. I'm a little misty about it.)#The song is just The Killers - Run For Cover. I couldn't see them in person all those years ago—family went without me.#All my new oc rework with Zin and Hunter and Caia were like a year old or so.#It's a little silly. But the character Zin's derived from was a lightning mage so I stuck to it—I like monhun's zinogre for what its worth #So there's recurring theme and imagery. Thunder's not lightning but the sound and the feeling after the flash the flame and strike.#There's that meaningful thought—the story is the aftermath of a big tragedy. It matches what I like in monsters and other chars.#And at that time—my favourite band I missed out on puts out a really good song I download everywhere and it goes like:#He motioned me to the sky/ I heard heaven and thunder cry/ Run for cover/ Run while you can baby don't look back/ You gotta run for cover #And it goes on of course. The rest of the song's still really good. There's more that fits but point is; More evocative imagery.#So there. Why my bundle of OCs—Zinadia Hunter and Caia's story—is called Thunder 20XX. minus the 20XX. That's tongue-in-cheek #About some day I'll manage to make something tangeable or broadly shareable with them. I guarentee this century!#Thunder... oh my darling Thunder. Eight years man. More than that if I really want to count pre-rework INTO the complete original work. but #I like that it's definably 8. I like that I remembered I've always loved them a lot. Always been my thing to lean on even by name...#I need to get to sleep. Ive gotten a little more emotional over one song than I'd rather regularly be. Give it a listen maybe? Goodnight #Armour clanking #I need an oc tag #What have you gathered to report to your progenitors?🎶Are your excuses any better than your senator's🎶He held a conference #and his wife was standing by his side🎶He did her dirty but no-one died🎶#I saw Sonny Liston on the street last-night black-fisted and strong singing🎶Redemption song🎶#He motioned me to the sky🎶I heard heaven and thunder cry🎶RUN FOR COVER #What are you waiting for—a kiss or an apology?🎶You think by now you'd have an A in toxicology🎶#It's hard to pack the car when all you do is shame us🎶Even harder when the dirtbag's famous🎶#I saw my mother on the street last night all pretty and strong singin🎶The road is long🎶#I said 'Mama I know you tried!'🎶But she fell on her knees and cried🎶RUN FOR COVER #Just run for cover - you've got nothin left to lose...

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songofsaraneth · 1 year

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i am FUCKING pissed about the feral cat situation yet again

#killed the fledgling bird ive been happily watching be nurtured by its parents over the last few weeks #and which had just started out trying small flights on its own #i guess technically i managed to chase the cat off before it finished the job but the baby is almost certainly going to die #almost all the feathers on the back half of its body were ripped out and it had a large bleeding gash down its back #if the wound isnt fatal the bacteria from the cat teeth and claws will be and it got out of sight so i cant even find/help it #i hate it!!!!! i hate it that a group of 'animal lovers' can just decide the rest of the cities wildlife doesnt matter and deserve to die #just because they get sad 100 cats a year or whatever were humanely put down in shelters #first nubfoot my beloved one footed dove and now the baby :(((((#ive tried trapping ive tried deterrant sprays ive tried plants they dont like the smell of ive tried chasing it off every time i see it #nothing works!!!!! it does not care. and no it cannot be taken to a shelter. they just dump them back where they were collected #thats how TNR works. makes it everyones problem and lets the cats die miserably of heat exhaustion at 115º in june instead #bc apparently thats the nicer thing to do i guess #anyway keep your FUCKING cats inside #not sure if it also got one of the parents :(((((( have only seen one dove kind of looking around trying to find its family #:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

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juniestar · 3 months

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Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE

#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night #im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an #d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me #mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi #tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon #d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not #to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time #his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie #ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told #to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA #times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses #to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to #a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what #he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p #rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go #into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are #not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee #n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro #ving that right all the time #it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts #oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac #he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from #our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud

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imflyingfish · 3 months

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I gotta be less hard on myself. Annoyingly i know that my best work comes from when i am hard on myself. But i keep stopping myself from doing things i want to due to perfectionism. Annoying.

#atm i feel like im just chasing interest after interest after interest #ive been working on my mimecraft base a lot but i have. complex feelings about the base atm #im happy with it and its paradise.#its too paradise that it makes me unsettled #which is nonsense its my place and my build #but i feel a lot of pressure to make it perfect #even though I and vee are the only ones who go there and i dont really care about the likes on my posts anymore #it still makes me feel. odd.#i love the work though i love the style and i love using it as a means to imagine a better world #atm im really enjoying just spending time on the server hanging out with vee #but i get into my own head a lot about the base #its not even just the base im talking about everything but the base is the example #i built a bit of a weird interior today i just went crazy with the terracotta and the plants and a pool of water #and i keep thinking on if it was the 'right' thing to do #and if i will be able to complete it properly to a high enough standard #it also doesnt help that ive improved over the course of the last 2 years in building #so now my house looks off and weird and theres trees that need to be taken down and paths that are over textured #but i find the process of doing it and the feeling of completion really deep and important #i dont know. i feel like im constantly in a battle of pushing myself to be better but limiting myself at the same time by having fun or sthn #i feel like i should be making youtube videos or at least prepping to #but i havent because i cant figure out how to organise mods and its freaking me out. theres just loads of excuses stopping me #i dont know.#the annoying thing is pushing myself creatively has resulted in massive benefits for me lately creatively #partly i think why im feeling odd with the base atm is because ive suddenly gone for being barely able to play an hour a night to having all #the time in the world so its created a sudden influx in development #idk. this is rambly #fish talks #i want to download a minec@ft map and remove the suburban housing to replace with higher density properties becsuse ive been watching too #much socialist urban planning videos again and c1t1es skyl1nes just isnt cutting the cheese rn #thats the wrong saying. fandoms censored to avoid crosstagging

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immamapletreekid · 6 months

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instead of grinding for finals i lost hours to a one piece wiki spiral

#IT ALL STARTED...WITH CP9S INDEPENDENT REPORT #in the most predictable fashion. ive yet again fallen for the “dangerous murder bot villains are actually a found family and genuinely care #for one another“#PLSSS THE WAY THEY ALL WORKED SO HARD TO EARN THE MONEY TO TREAT LUCCI #thinking so hard about how they are one collecfive unit. they move together they work travel live thrive together #giggled so hard at kaku giraffe slide #SOEAKING OF WHICH I JUST LEARNED KAKU IS THE YOUNGEST OUT OF CP9 #HE WAS 18 WHEN THEY PLANTED HIM AND THE OTHERS IN WATER 7 #im not ok im ripping my pillow to shreds punchjng the wall screaming shaking good GOD DJFJ #KALIFAS DAD WAS IN THE PREV GEN OF CP9????? SO SHES RRALLY BEEN THERE THROUGH IT ALL #thinking about lucci and jabra and blueno trio...#yes i originally was devastated to discover my favourite shipwrifjts were actually undercover government assassins but like #the found family.....maybe not found family but FORGED FAMILY THEY MADE IT WORK #i still think it's so silly that. kaku is the youngest but hes second ij terms od power and he speaks like an old man #in my ideal world cp9 brutally murders spandam and they live their best lives after doijg whatever #attention span for stats and cs??? nonexistent #but yea sure i can spend 2 hours memorizing the key detaisl from the wiki entries of all cp9 agents and making a chart and timeline #maybe this is a sign...that i need to fix this before it causes bigger issues #rambling about stuff #wait omg no last thought is how when all the cp9 members reunite after 5 years and firsg thing they do is immediately check their doriki #and jabras upset by how both lucci ajd kakus are higher than his now but then u think about how hes the oldest in their group #heck five years ago when they were sent off to water 7 those two were 23 and FUCKIJG 18 YEARS OLD #OF COURSE HES UPSET THESE TWO FUCKING KIDS ARE STRONGEE THAN HIM #who holds seniority over them. im actually devastated and extremely entertained #the last time u see the youngest of your group hes some 18 year old kid you could best in a spar. maybe even leave some words of wisdom for #then he goes and leanrs how to build ships for 5 years and comes back stronger than u #they are a family to me... HE COULD HAVE ABANDONED TJEM?!?! THEM ALL HAD THE CHOICE OF LEAVING THE OTHERS BEHIND TO SAVE THEMSELVES #BUT THEY DIDNT. HE STILL GAVE KALIFA HIS SHIRT AND CARRIED KAKU ON HIS BACK ALL THE WAY TO ST POPLAR #biting my hands hitting the wall scratchijg the floors screaming shakijg not normal about these guys #THE WAY JABRA HAS A PET CHICKEN TO COUJTER HATTORI

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new-bird-song · 7 months

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One thing ive been thinking about lately is that like

Its okay to only ever make bad art. Its okay to only paint "boring" things or only draw the same thing a million times or only be "okay" at sewing or crochet. Sometimes i think theres this idea that its okay to make bad art because its part of the process of making good art, but i think its fine to make art that is bad or just okay and not keep looking at it thinking about ways it is flawed or ways to make it better. If you want to improve and grow, thats great and you will through the process of just doing something over and over or looking for advice or other ways of learning.

But its also totally okay to only ever want to make bad art

#art #delete later #idk ive been thinking a lot about how like #for the last few years the vast majority of my art has been drawing d&d characters largely by tracing over refs #and just drawing the same things over and over #because it makes me happy!#and sometimes i just see this come off as like. a way to moralize taste/lack of satisfaction with how your work turned out #because that peice doesnt matter its just one step on the way to making better ones #but if you only ever make lumpy pottery thats fine! you made a lumpy pottery!#like my great aunts house is covered in paintings shes made #and theyre not to my taste they feel kinda generic and bland to me #but she is showing more of her art in her house than i am in mine and im like. which of us is happier as an artist #value your art where it is #especially if its a fucking hobby! jesus christ!#if its a hobby do you want to spend so much time and energy hating it you dont enjoy it anymore? fuck!#like i just finished a sweater and now a part of me wants to break fom knitting/crochet for a bit bc ive been working hard at it for a whil #and it turned out fine but with some fit issues i know to fix in future projects #but idk #i need to allow myself the freedom to let bad art be completed art #anyway this got weirdly sentimental #i should go paint some weird fish now #also from my own experience. it helps me appreciate other artists more #because it helps me stop going oh i could do that/could never do that #and i can just go. wow look at the cool art and technical skill on display

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srkgirlblogger · 7 months

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.

#the day was going so well until my mom decided to be mean to me for no reason in a piblic space where i was already feeling scared and over #stimulated. i wanted to try out the skateboards in decathlon but there were too many people and i got scared. and my mom suddenly said that #the skateboard that she was going to buy for me after/on my birthday. she had decided to buy now. since we were alr in theshop and i said no #way bec i hadnt decided which one i wanted yet and i was soo panicked. and then after some time when id calmed down a bit and was gonna try #to skate anyways she started questioning me abt when i planned on peacticing and where i was gonna do it and i obviously just started saying #things that i thought she would approve of. and then she told me i didnt have the time management skills or resolve to make it work. and she #just kept on passive aggressively bullying me until i just couldnt do it anymore and i told her i wanted go leave the store bc she was #spoiling the mood. and then she started bullying me louder and she told me to stop blaming her bc she was only asking me a question and she #didn't want to waste any more money on things that i wasnt gonna do even though ive wanted a skateboard for years now and have been actively #asking her for months. and i just lost my emergy and my appetite and i wanted to leave the mall and go home but insteaf she gook us to a #bagel place that ive been trying to get her to take us even though i felt like throwing up before we even left the mall and i told her i #didnt want to go there. and my brother even told her that she was ruining things for everyone. and he still ended up blaming me in the end.#but whatever. i kept getting flashbacks to insanely traumatic moments where shed yelled at or bullied me or cornered me or tried to #embarass me in public. and this is most likely my last year at home. and my last year of childhood. and its all going to be remembered in my #brain as underwhelming and depressing and mostly horrible. and im going to leave home and never cone back and my last year at home is going #to be just as shitty as every other year and ill just have to deal with that and try to build something good and new and kind when i leave #she shouldnt speak to her own children like this. she shouldnt be looking for reasons to make things miserable for me all the time like this #i should study. my head hurts. my entire body hurts so bad #delete later

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