#IM LOSING IT OVER THIS BOOK AAAA :D

[riiviir]

hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!

[crow-in-a-teapot]

tower of nero spoilers

i have just finished the tower of nero. and before i go searching for other people’s thoughts and art and more of the characters i love so much, i want to write down some of my own thoughts because i know as soon as i delve into that ‘ton spoilers’ hashtag there are going to be complaints and criticisms and so much that i don’t want to hear, or essays that’ll make me upset, or things that’ll change my perception on the book (because on this website people really love to hate the trials of apollo).

i want to start with: i loved it. it didn’t feel earth-shattering or huge and momentous like some of my favourite riordanverse books (house of hades, the blood of olympus, the last olympian and maybe some of the magnus chase books take those pedestals for me) but it was satisfying. and i think it was satisfying because it in no way felt like an ending. whether because eventually rick will write that will-and-nico-go-through-tartarus-and-save-bob novella, or because we (or at least i) will continue writing and imagining and creating for this world i don’t know. he didn’t wrap up the story in a perfect little bow like ‘nineteen years later’, he simply put it on pause. gave us a glimpse of where every character was at at the end.

the only thing that makes me so angry and upset is that i did manage to get some spoilers for moments that i know would have been so good to experience for the first time if i hadn’t been spoiled for them. the moment where rachel mentions penguins in a mansion near her house, nico getting mental health advice from mr d, the fact that will and nico were going to be in the book for so much of the story, but the big thing was literally spoiled for me two days ago, it was the reason i sat down to read it as fast as possible because i was terrified of getting more spoiled and not being able to experience the moments for myself, was that piper had a girlfriend. i know that reading that for the first time would have been so cool and surprising, and the fact that when it came up for a moment in the last couple pages all i felt was disappointment because it was spoiled for me and because it was now tinged with whatever that person was saying about her having a girlfriend.

but i still had some warm fuzzy moments, the two parts where apollo thinks he’s going to die but nico comes up behind him - so good. impeccable. 

Leader Guy spat. ‘Now, I kill you.’

He raised his sword... and froze. His face turned pale. His skin began to shrivel. His beard fell out whisker by whisker like dead pine needles. Finally, his skin crumbled away, along with his clothes and flesh, until Leader Guy was nothing but a bleached-white skeleton, holding a sword in his bony hands. 

Standing behind him, his hand on the skeleton’s shoulder, was Nico di Angelo.

and

Nero raised his hand, ready to give the kill command, when behind me a mighty BOOM! shook the chamber. Half our enemies were thrown off their feet. Cracks sprouted in the windowsand the marble columns. Ceiling tiles broke, raining dust like split bags of flour. 

I turned to see the impenetrable blast doors lying twisted and broken, a strangely emaciated red bull standing in the breach. Behind it stood Nico di Angelo.

gods. poetic brilliance. i can’t believe i’m still a nico di angelo stannie in the year 2021. in five years i have not changed (ever since the tv show announcement last summer i have managed to morph into myself from 2017)

from here i’m not sure where to go next i kind of want to go through everything, except it’ll be more difficult than my tyrant’s tomb reaction because i wasn’t reading on a kindle and thus can’t just do funny little reactions to screenshots of quotes, so i’ll just skim through the book page by page and see what i can comment on (i’m not planning on doing analysis today, no thank you, just enjoying the end of my childhood and trying to squeeze as much out of it as possible)

i have an emotional attachment to mr. snake from the very first chapter, and am very upset that he’ll never get off on his baltimore stop and get to see his wife, lu had no reason to shoot and kill him like that.

that brings me to lu, i liked her, it was interesting to see how rick kind of brought in not only the overarching theme of abuse, but also people who let the abuse happen, i have more i could say on this i’m too lazy to right now, and i promised no analysis - or the fact that Lu had conspired to make the show non-lethal to spare Meg’s feelings rather than - oh, I don’t know - refusing to do Nero’s dirty work in the first place and getting Meg out of that house of horrors. 

And are you any better? taunted a small voice in my brain. How many times have you stood up to Zeus?

Okay, small voice. Fair point. Tyrants are not easy to opppose or walk away from, especially when you depend on them for everything.

the parallels to meg and lester heading to percy’s apartment, and then to camp half blood to the hidden oracle was so cool to read, every callback to the hidden oracle just there to remind us readers exactly how far apollo has come and how he’s changed; the entire chapter with sally, paul and estelle just felt sickly sweet, it just didn’t seem real how wholesome and good that family is, like i get why apollo broke down and just sobbed in that shower.

also rick really saying acab again in toa, i thought he was done after that elf cop chapter in magnus chase (the magnus chase series is a masterpiece) but apparently not, with A ‘good cop’ is still a cop... still a part of the mind game.

the grey sisters, i forgot about them completely but this threw me back into was it the sea of monsters when annabeth summoned them? i’m not sure, it could have been the lightning thief either, they really remind me of the disney hercules movie. the whole ganymede paragraph was gold, i love gods being canonically confirmed lgbt in the riordanverse. i also love the whole eye-tossing part - 

‘He will crush our eye,’ Anger cried, ‘if we don’t recite our verses!’

‘I will not!’

‘We will all die!’ Wasp said. ‘He is crazy!’

‘I AM NOT!’

‘Fine, you win!’ Tempest howled.

also, the explanation for why dionysus chooses to look the way he does was perfect, because it was something i often wondered about and wasn’t expecting to get an explanation for, and i imagine the whole mythological dionysus to look like.. well like a more feminine apollo i guess, beautiful in a gender non-comforming way.

Other Olympians could never comprehend why Dionysus chose this form when he could look like anything he wanted. In ancient times, he’d been famous for his youthful beauty that defied gender.

... 

In retaliation, Dionysus had decided to look and act as ungodly as possible. He was like a child refusing to tuck in his shirt, comb his hair or brush his teeth, just to show his parents how little he cared.

every scene with nico at camp just BREAKS ME, i would throw in screenshots of every damn quote but unfortunately, as said above, cannot and would rather not type every one; we’ll start with, obviously apollo confirming to him that jason is dead. 

He didn’t look angry exactly. He looked as if he’d been hit in the gut not just once but so many times over the course of so many years that he was beginning to lose perspective on what it meant to be in pain. He swayed on his feet. He blinked. Then he flinched, jerking his hands away from Meg’s as if he’d just remembered his own touch was poison.

ugh then will talking about how nico’s doing, confirming that he’s suffering with ptsd, mr d giving him advice, helping him sort though what voices in his head are real and which ones aren’t, then the paragraph that just recounts every horrific thing poor nico has been through, how will has to reassure him that he’s okay and ‘with friends’ when he wakes up after shadow travel

will’s kindness to apollo, buying him clothes, and apollo finding seymour the leopard’s head in his bed, put there by mr d aaaa AAAA A A A A A THE ORDINARY, EVERYDAY CAMP HALF BLOOD THINGS..

i could go on for years and years about how much i appreciate rachel having a big role in this book, and the visit to her apartment, everything, her art, the fact that she got what she wanted, she’s going to PARIS to study ART, she isn’t forced to be someone she’s not by her dad, and gets to be a big part of a demigod mission and not stand on the sidelines for once.

i love that her landscapes are still visions, that she still paints the quests demigods go on - the burning maze, jason’s funeral pyre, caligula’s ships; and how nico ~appreciates art~

‘And, hey, di Angelo -’ she pushed him playfully away from the canvas he’d been ogling - ‘don’t brush against the art! I don’t care about the paintings, but if you get any colour on you, you’ll ruin that whole black-and-white aesthetic you’ve got going.’

i. love. rachel.

WILL GLOWS!! THE HEADCANONS FROM LIKE FIVE YEARS AGO THAT YOU’D SEE FLOATING AROUND ABOUT HIM MANIPULATING LIGHT!! CONFIRMED!! CANON!! AMAZING

I AM  OBSESSED WITH THE TROGS, I LOVE THEM, THEY ARE GREAT, not gonna lie, i was expecting something more dramatic and spooky with how worried will was and how dionysus was going.. visiting the cavern-runners isn’t ♫ good for your mental health  ♫ but the little hat frog gremlins were a good addition. i like them very much and their funky little soup shenanigans. quoting the ghost king himself: trogs good. nice hats. (IM SORRY I KEEP MENTIONING HIM BUT I JUST) also how apollo starts wishing for breadsticks a s ajoke and theY STRAIGHT UP HAVE BREADSTICKS? HUH? WHERE DID THEY GET THE BREADSTICKS FROM??

yeah, i’m also still very much upset by every mention of jason grace, it’s funny how ever since his death in the burning maze i have grown to love him more and more and that’s not fun for me, for that boy to become one of my main comfort character’s and have his death and sacrifice and nobility mentioned every few chapters. i’m pretty sure i cried when he appeared to talk in apollo’s dreams, and this time the tears weren’t from the effort of keeping my eyes open and working for hours straight reading this book (i remember staying up until 2am to finish the sequel to beautiful, broken things, it was very much worth it)

‘All right, Jason. We miss you, though.’

ALSO. THE FACT THAT THIS KID. THIS CHILD. HAD TO THINK ‘BUT IF A HERO ISN’T READY TO LOSE EVERYTHING FOR A GREATER CAUSE, IS THAT PERSON REALLY A HERO?’ A KID ISN’T SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT THAT AND BE READY TO SACRIFICE THEMSELVES FOR THE GREATER GOOD,, i,, ugh,, he’s supposed to be finishing school and designing temples not being the perfect hero and soldier,, spain without the s,,

as @couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name said: ‘thinking about how ghost! Jason didn’t seem to understand why Apollo was so upset about his death because he’s been raised to believe a hero’s sacrifice is noble and his life doesn’t matter in the grand scheme and also if he doesn’t understand why the person who watched him get horrifically killed is so torn up over his death he probably doesn’t even realize his other friends are grieving him..’

IM SO UPSET THE ARROW OF DODONA IS DEAD D: IT WAS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE CHARACTERS ALL THE FUNNIEST MOMENTS WERE BECAUSE OF THAT ARROW AND IT'S DEATH WAS SO SAD WTH LIKE WE FIND OUT HOW USELESS THE ARROW FELT AND HOW THE GROVE OF DODONA ALL THOUGHT IT WOULD BE CRAP AND WOULD FAIL APOLLO AND THEN ONCE WE FEEL BAD FOR IT, IT DIES??

the entire python battle was pretty grim, there is a part of me that's like because this is the last book series i would have loved say the magnus chase and kane chronicles gang in a giant battle with everyone like the battle of manhattan but even more dramatic, but even so, i did appreciate that python battle and the whole almost-falling-into-the-depths-of-tartarus thing.

him talking to artemis was cool, but JESUS: 'I turned and strode out of my room, trying to recall how the god Apollo walked.' like that HURTS. it was such a huge culture shock for apollo to go throught this huge character arc and be so human and understand the pain of others, to be around gods again who are so.. apathetic. also, zeus. 'Interesting how he put that: I had done him proud. I had been useful in making him look good. My heart did not melt. I did not feel that this was a warm-and-fuzzy reconciliation with my father. Let's be honest: some fathers don't deserve that. Some aren't capable of it.'

OKAY OKAY SO THE END?? CHIRON TALKING TO A CAT (BAST) AND A SEVERED HEAD (MIMIR) ABOUT SHARED PROBLEMS WITHIN THE PANTHEONS!! WILL AND NICO RECEIVING A PROPHECY FROM RACHEL TO GO TO TARTARUS AND SAVE BOB!! THE HUNTERS OF ARTEMIS, INCLUDING THALIA AND REYNA BEING BEST FRIENDS (qpr.. qpr..) HUNTING THE TEUMESSIAN FOX!! PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, THE ORIGINAL TRIO, GOING ON A CHAOTIC ROAD TRIP TOGETHER!! - SO MANY STAND-ALONE SET -UPS PFSJSJSJ

okay quick word on the reunions at the end: funny little elephant visitation program with livia and hannibal. love that for them. calypso and leo's relationship seems rocky and complicated, but that's to be expected, i think even if they do get properly back together again it might not last long, because it does pretty much feel like a teenage relationship where the two aren't very compatible, but we'll see. hazel and frank are so funny with their gold plated necklaces. lavinia - tap-dance icon. almost cried at the mention of jason's temple-extension plan again. percy not being sure about what he wants to do in college is accurate and i like that that's left to be up-for-interpretation (rick does THE MOST for the fanfic writers pfsjsj). i am OBSESSED with aeithales, like i hate deserts so the burning maze setting is not my favourite but GOD that HOUSE, the vibes are off-the-charts. i'd love a house made of living trees that's also a greenhouse filled with dryads. meg gets a unicorn. that is so great.

i kind of wish the book hadn't ended with 'Call on me. I will be there for you.' because every time I imagine the friends theme song and i don't think that's the vibe he was going for, BUT i do love him talking to meg, that was genuinely emotional - 'You'll come back?' she asked. 'Always,' I promised. 'The sun always comes back.' ; i really wish it had ended with that, but i guess apollo does tend to break fourth walls and talk to the readers, like a lot of the protagonists of riordanverse books.

[palmettoes]

Choke by I don’t how but they found me. Fuck U by archive. Coma baby by Nicole dollanger. Medication by young blud. The drugs by mother mother. Could have been me by the struts. Body by mother mother. Bang by armchair cynics. My heart goes bum bum bum by flatsound. Everyone but you by the front bottoms. The weight by amber run. Guillotine by Jon Bellion. Crush by Tessa violet. Forest fire by Brighton. Mars by sleeping at last. It will come back by hoizer. Flaws by bastille. & AddictOfTheGallery

damn anon went OFF bless u this took me so long to reply to cause i had to listen to every song all the way through buT here we go thank u (it’s under the cut bc there was a Lot to unpack here)

send me andreil song recs and i’ll tell you my favourite line

choke: this !!! is the best song i’ve ever heard for book 1 andreil omg !!!!! “lock the fire escapes / i’ll break your pretty face” oh thIS is a good andrew @ neil line, plus the entire chorus SCREAMS andrew on meds especially “if i could burn this town / i wouldn’t hesitate to smile while you suffocate and die”

fuck u: djrjfhdjs im gonna be honest i didn’t add this one bc it was too mean and i’m weak for soft love bUT this line “makes me sick when i hear all the shit that you say / so much crap coming out it must take you all day” yeah i can see andrew saying that to neil sjdjf

coma baby: liSTEN did i ASK for this im cjfdyrjfd this is so sad WHAT okay like “i wish i’d find all the lonely remnants of you that left when your head cracked open” that line is pure poetry anyway but applied to andreil ??? im in pain ???? and “you’re just the shell of the boy that you’ve been” oKAY FUCK OFF IM CRYING

medication: (blows a kiss to ellie bc yungblud is her bf) oh mannn this as an andrew song works ?? so well ??? like “doctor says don’t fight that feeling / but my head is stuck to the ceiling” mmm andrew while high? i think yes ,,, and “my heart is a bomb / it just ticks along” yeah YEAH that makes me think of him insTANTLY

the drugs: OH SHIT YEAH this is what im talking about !!!!!! “cause you’re hotter than the sun / and you’re better than the drugs i used to love” damn yeah say it loUDER neil is hot and andrew loves him thanks fr coming to this collaborative ted talk

could have been me: OOF this is ,, a big mood for both of them ngl i mean the chorus ?? fits them both so well ??? and “don’t wanna live as an untold story / rather go out in a blaze of glory” neil is that u ???? also “dodging bullets with your broken past” is a good summary for the series tbh

body: like firstly this song is just a whole mood for me anyway “take my heart, pull it apart” thAts an andreil line if ever i heard one also “take my lungs / take them and run” my brain just violently yeeted an image of neil at me when i heard this

bang: aahhhh this one !!!! oh my god !!!!! “baptised by your kiss and now i’m born again / bite your lip / wrap my hands around your head and pull you in” is my favourite part bc that !! is so andreil !!!! but also “i need your kiss like the ocean needs a breeze” and “break the skin cause i can’t tell where your body ends and mine begins” are big moods for these two

my heart goes bum bum bum: yes YES okay so many good lines in this honestly but my favourites are “you smell like the devil but you feel like the lord” bc wow imagery and also andrew @ neil ,,, also “i didn’t dodge all your bullets / just denied that they hit me” yeAH andrew wrote this line u can’t convince me otherwise. but of course the REAL kicker is “the only reason you breathe is to sleep through the night / the only reason you speak is to tell me i’m fine” i me an yall know EXACTLY who im thinking of huh ,,,

everyone but you: duDE i love the front bottoms ahsdhfjs i never twigged this as an andreil song but ??? “i fell in love cause no one saw me the way you did / and no one’s seen me that way since” oh bitCH U RIGHT

the weight: first, thanks for putting the imagery of neil waking up early and watching andrew slowly wake up thats so soft asjdfjds also “i don’t want money and i don’t want god / i just want to live under the weight of your love” that is such a HEAVY romantic line and i love it for them

guillotine: coincidentally this is already on my andreil playlist jsjdsj i loVE IT my favourite is “the secrets you tell me i’ll take to my grave / there’s bones in my closet but you hang stuff anyway” like the bones in the closet metaphor is a GOOD one for andreil and obviously secrets ,,, u kno ,,, go d this song is so so good for them fjsjd im falling in love with it all over again

crush: oH this is such a haPPY vibe for andreil like ,, they’re so intense in canon sometimes i forget that andrew minyard really just has a massive crush on neil fjfshdjf they’re such doRKS anyway “i can’t focus on what needs to get done / i’m on notice hoping that you don’t run” uhHH andrew throughout the series just like being unable to do ANYTHING bc he can’t stop thinking about neil

forest fire: fuCK this is another sad one what !! are you doing to me !!! im crying !!!! fjasj but again so many good andreil lines like “i’m not strong / i should have saved you” and “i hope you know / that you’re my home / but now i’m lost” andrew mood during the riot + neil disappearing !!!!!! i think my favourite tho is “i’m gonna carry your bones / i’m gonna carry them all / i’m gonna carry you home” like thanks thinking about this is making me CRY but i love it

mars: this is also sad but like ,, soft ,,, like “we found our way back home / let our cuts and bruises heal” hell yeah they did !!!! they did that !!! they’re healing !!! and “there is goodness in the heart of every broken man / who comes right up to the edge of losing everything he has” this is a good mantra for the foxes in general i feel anyway im in pAIN

it will come back: hozier ,,, that’s my bitch ,,,, noah fence but my heart beats to the tempo of this song but anYWAY for andreil i love the line “i’ve known the warmth of your doorways / through the cold i’ll find my way back to you” but also the whole “don’t let it in with no intention to keep it” is definitely andrew @ neil lbr

flaws: this is on my playlist already too oh mAN this is just like THE andreil song asjdj it’s so good ,, the part that always gets me going is “there’s a hole in my soul / can you fill it?” because um yeah ,, but i also love “look at the wonderful mess that we made / we pick ourselves undone” anyway like these boys are so good for each other can u beLIEVE

addict of the gallery: aaaa this is making me sad again sjdsjjd there are some truly beautiful lines here i love “i’m hanging up in a room full of silence / bleeding colours from the pain and the violence” and “i’m a complicated mess that i’ve come to accept” they remind me a lot of andrew rhjfsj i love him so much but he makes me cry

[lvtvr]

ftagged by @pining-keith and @kukinta (on my main but im gna put it here)!! thanks both of u i love u aaaa <3

Name: charlie Nicknames: char, my one friend calls me charleston dance, also “cholderton” don’t ask Zodiac Sign: pisces im an emotional gay fish Height: 167 cm (so like 5′6″???) Orientation: bi as FUCK Ethnicity: eating white bread feels like cannibalism Favourite Fruit: heck i love most fruit but not much beats a good tangerine or strawberry!!! Favourite Season: spring! Favourite Book: american gods by neil gaiman is my all time fav but i have Different Favs for Different Reasons i can talk abt books all day Favourite Flowers: i dont think about this a lot???? i prefer green plants to flowers honestly skjgsdg Favourite Scent: aaaa i’m not sure but i tend to like crisp scents like mint or citrus Favourite Animal: u know that really old video with the girl making her eharmony bio but then she starts crying and gets emotional when she thinks about cats? that girl is me Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate: hekc this is like the holy trinity but i’ve gotta say tea. i relate to uncle iroh a lot Cat or Dog Person: see above. (i mean i like dogs??? but i see a cat and i fucking LOSE IT) Favourite Fictional Character: lavi from dgm is my husband who will always have a place in my heart tbhhh. i also really love delirium from the sandman comics, cloud strife from ffvii and lately i’ve gotten super attached to the drifter from hyper light drifter dfsdgdsg Dream Trip: palios the dream has always been to live in tokyo and that’s happening in less than a month i am dying Blog Created: made this blog in october 2016 but i first joined tumb in 2011 bc of homestuck (SHUT UP I KNOW) and its been an on and off rlship ever since Number of Followers: less than 600 more than 500!! it’s like the comfy side of nobody where people still kinda interact w u but u dont get hate aw yiss What Do I Post About: voltron on here; anime, cats, aesthetics, bullet journal stuff and funny text posts over on my main @charmkvark which u should check out ;3 ;3 ;3 and i also run a cool cyberpunk blog @synthpulse Do I Get Asks on a Regular Basis: not like suuuper regularly but i get one or two occasionally and they always make my day!! im real approachable i promise <3 Aesthetic: i have like 98 different aesthetics omg... on the one hand i like bright colors, urban landscapes, trains, fruit, and soft animals!! but i also like witchy stuff and of course i would Die for cyberpunk and i also adore 20s-40s film noir style aaaaaaaa Favourite Band: mucc Fictional Character I’d Date: l  a  v  i listen u dont understan d Hogwarts House: confession time i never did the pottermore quiz bc i was real scared of Not getting ravenclaw sdkjsdgg i identified deeply as one when i was a kid

tagging: @konekat @sleapygazelle @wolfwisp @daretoweeb @ja-e-muffin-art-dump @parinite @kattkvitter @ace-pidge @floralkeith @undinelance GKSDLJDSG I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I’VE MISSED PEOPLE WHEN I DO THESE BUT O WELL also no pressure just want u guys to know i appreciate yall~

[homosexualhufflepuff]

i was tagged by @cuddlyjongin literally like a year ago maybe?? found this in my drafts and i was like ok sounds like fun

1. LAST TEXT SENT: I texted my boss that i won’t be going on vacation with my family this summer hahah 2. LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: umm thats so hard but like yellow, grey and blue idk?? 3. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY: ten am i think 4.WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT: driving home after hanging out with friends :’’) 5. NAME SOMETHING YOU CANT WAIT FOR: hmmm i guess living alone and hopefully being able to work as a musician if that works out 6. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOTHER: about three hours ago when she came to my room to say goodnight aaaa luv u mum<33 7. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU CHANGE ABOUT YOUR LIFE: ooh thats tough, no idea tbh??? life is pretty good atm 8. WHATS GETTING ON YOUR NERVS RN: the slight headache im starting to get :((/(/ 9. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: ?¿?¿+? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 10. FAVORITE TV SHOW: oooh uh skam, oitnb, sense8 and steven universe were the first that came to mind 11. FIRST BEST FRIEND: hmmm probably Ami when we were like 10-12 i miss her :///( 12. LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: london grammar yass 13. 3 FEARS: the ocean, spiders and failure lmao 14. 4 TURN ON’S: cute butt, nice hair, cute laugh and being funny (this is all v generic but come on its tru) 15. 4 TURN OFF’S: being rude, disrespectful towards people, hateful towards people and mean to animals 16. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: g a y 17. MY SENIOR QUOTE IN MY YEARBOOK: that’s not a thing in sweden lol 18. FIRST THING I NOTICE IN A NEW PERSON: their smile maybe 19. SHOE SIZE: about 42 20. EYE COLOR: v dark brown 21. HAIR COLOR: (dark) blond 22. FAVORITE CLOTHING ITEM: hmmm maybe one of my soft sweaters 23. WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR I’M WEARING RIGHT NOW: dark blue 24. ULTIMATE BIAS: 25. ULTIMATE BIAS GROUP: 26. FAVORITE SEASON: autumn i think 27. HOW MUCH TIME I SPENT ON DESIGNING MY BLOG PAGE: literally haven’t touched it in 2 years 28. THE REASON I JOINED TUMBLR: i think my friend showed me but i don't remember exactly 29. LAST BOOK I READ: currently reading “goodnight mister tom” it’s probably my favourite book (apart from hp) 30. DO I EVER GET “GOOD MORNING” OR “GOODNIGHT” TEXTS?: yes but we don’t actually say good morning lol 31. WHEN DID I LAST HOLD HANDS?: this morning mmm m<32 32. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE ME TO GET READY IN THE MORNING?: like an hour?? 33. HAVE I SHAVED MY LEGS IN THE PAST 3 DAYS?: no lol 34. WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW?: my bed <3 35. DO I LIKE MUSIC LOUD OR LOW: not too loud but not actually low? 36. 3 THINGS I LOVE: music, my mum and dogs 37. HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW: tired and a lil stressed 

38. SOMETHING I REALLY, REALLY WANT: more cuddles  39. 3 THINGS THAT UPSET ME: people who are mean to animals, feeling like im not appreciated and when people don’t listen to what i have to say 40. WHAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE IN OTHER PEOPLE: woah too much to make a list, pretty eyes and lips i guess 41. 3 HABITS I HAVE: getting anxious over everything, drumming on my phone and biting my lips 42. SOMETHING I FANTASIZE ABOUT: life :) 43. MY OTPs: idk ?¿ 44. SOMETHING IM TALENTED AT: doing music™ 45. THE BLOG I GIVE MOST NOTES TO: no idea 46. THE LAST PERSON THAT RE-BLOGGED FROM ME: idek 47. DO I SMOKE/DRINK?: nah not really 48. MY FAVORITE FOOD: i just really love vegetables so stuff like stir fry, curries, ratatouille <33  49. MY FAVORITE DESSERT: ice cream??? or maybe cheesecake mm 50. WHAT I DID YESTERDAY: i did an application test/interview thingy for music school aaaaaa also hung out with friends and cuddled 51. NUMBER OF KIDS I WANT: one or two 52. NUMBER OF SIBLINGS I HAVE: one asshole brother 53. SOMETHING THATS CONSTANTLY ON MY MIND: school and music 54. LAST PERSON I MESSAGED ON TUMBLR: @singlemomsforfree​ 55. CAN I DRIVE: yeh love driving  56. WHAT STATE OR PART OF THE WORLD DO I LIVE IN: sweden 57. AM I IN SCHOOL?: for like 3 more weeks oanfoiadnfodf 58. DO I GET GROSSED OUT EASILY?: depends, kind of? 59. SOMEWHERE I WOULD LIKE TO VISIT FOR A WEEK: i d e k  i want to go to so many places 60. I’LL LOVE YOU IF…: you show me photos of ur pet!!!! 61. LAST SHOW I BINGE-WATCHED: umm stranger things maybe? i don’t binge that much 62. WHAT WORDS UPSET ME THE MOST: “öh” my brother’s way of communicating with me 63. WHAT WORDS MAKE ME FEEL THE BEST ABOUT MYSELF: no idea? 64. A WISH THAT I’VE WISHED FOR REPEATEDLY ON 11:11: i don’t really do that 65. WHO I WOULD SWITCH LIVES WITH FOR A DAY: umm idk a cat maybe 66. MY FAVORITE ICE CREAM: magnum strawberry white maybe??? do u have that outside of sweden 67. ALLERGIES: im sensitive to kiwi and pineapple 68. SEXIEST PERSON TO COME TO YOUR MIND IMMEDIATELY: um idk 69. MY CHILDHOOD CARRER CHOICE: musician i think??? 70. ONE OF MY INSECURITIES: my voice 71. HOW MANY BLOGS AM I FOLLOWING: like 350 i think 72. HOW MANY TABS/DIFFERENT WINDOWS ATM: three 73. COKE OR PEPSI: neither tbh but coke if i had to choose 74. TEA OR COFFEE: tea <3 75. MOVIE OR BOOK: i love books so much ok 76. A SENSE I WOULD BE WILLING TO LOSE: i immediately thought between hearing and vision but smell feels like the least devastating lol 77. QUOTE I LIVE BY: idek 78. TYPE OF ACCESSORIES I WEAR THE MOST: i wear a belt every day lol 79. LAST AWKWARD SITUATION I FOUND MYSELF IN: i walked into the same guys twice in the grocery store yesterday 80. WHAT TIME IS IT RIGHT NOW: 01:16 fuck i need to sleep 81. A SONG THAT’S MADE ME CRY: save myself i love that song so much 82: FIRST SONG I EVER SANG AT KARAOKE: no clue

im tagging @singlemomsforfree and @adeliciousdonut !!!!

[cbocstar]

hiiii it’s me colly!

Hii it’s been a long while since I wrote out my thoughts on here.  I just wanted to recollect and self reflect on some feelings i’ve been feeling lately. SO it all started in march when I noticed I was beginning to feel more of myself again. Like I just felt more of me. Like the sadness is yeah its still there and the betrayal i felt from craig is always going to be there i think. And the trauma and the anger I have for him of what he did to me and put me through will always be there. But I found myself finally feeling like ready? Ready to take a leap of faith and get myself back out there into the dating pool/pond.  AND LET ME TELL YOU!!! It is so fucking exhausting. I hate the swiping. And I hate feeling writing my bio to the point where I feel like i’m selling a pitch to shark tank. LIKE SEELLLING MYSELF AND MY QUALITIES of what makes ME special or what someone will get out of when they date me. LOL idk it’s so hard. I think that’s another thing I need to work on. Loving myself. And taking ownership on yes I am weird, yes I am shy. But yes I am awesome and I am beautiful. It just takes time to see that. Anyway I was losing hope on these datin g apps when i would get bomboarded with dudes asking me questions on if I live at home, or if i live alone. And it made me self conscious like. Is it bad that I live at home with my mom? It’s so expensive to move out. Like I cant even afford living in the bay area if i did try and move out and find a roomie. LOL. I guess i feel ashamed, because of that. And whenever I would match with someone they would either unmatch themselves right away after i message them. or they just never replied. So it was kinda frustrating i guess. Like whats the point?  Anyway my school friend and my brother suggested me to try out the dating app of Meetme. And LOL i was skeptical because of the amount of messages I would receive the first time I downloaded it. And So i tried it again. And I just got sooooooo many messages from dudes. And the ages just ranged from 18-21; 40-60 year olds. And It just made my stomach sink. I just I cant see myself dating someone that’s 40 and me being 27. Idk I just I cant. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE MESSAGING ME ASKING IF I WOULD LIKE TO TRY OUT LIMP DICK LMFAO?! HELLO? WHAT LOL or if i would like to be their substitution to viagra. creeper bye. And so it just made me really freaked out. And then at this time Steven messaged me and I was just cautious. But he made me laugh and he was the only one that was close to my age. So I felt like that was fine. But the overwhelming messages from 40-60 year olds creeping on my profile and asking me if i wanted to lick them or if i was interested in finding a daddy. Just I couldnt. So I decided to just delete my photos because ya girl just was creeped out at that point. And steven then messaged and asked me if I was quitting because he noticed I was removing my photos and i just explained to him and he was just really shocked. And i asked him if he ever experienced that on his end and he just said no. So I was just like LUCKY DUCK.  Anyway, we talked more on the app of meetme messages. He made me laugh. I thought he was pretty charming and cute as well. He has a list of interests that is sooooo different from me which made me feel very insecure or uneasy. I’m not active and I have had bad experiences of camping and outdoors but I am always willing to try new things. And I feel like I just couldnt do long distance anymore. especially after the abuse I went through with craig and phillip. I just I can’t do that anymore. I need someone here for me physically. And steven is literally a few miles away so i was glad. SO we do have a shared interest which is anime c: and cute animals and food and books and gaming. And he asked me out on a date to go to Dave n Busters. 

SO GUESS WHAT ya girl went to dave n busters. that was the first date. met him upstairs. I awkwardly walked over and gave him a hug while I shivered and we played a lot of games together. Then we had cheeese BURGERSS. There he let me have some of his beer which I took a few sips didnt enjoy it though. LOL and He just laughed. Then he mentioned about how there’s sea glass on the beach and how he wanted to show it to me. And  I was just like uh i guess? I just have to be back at this time to get picked up. And he’s just like oh we will have time dont worry. SO I WENT IN HIS CAR (and my friend has shamed me for it lol saying how stupid i was to go in his car lol on the first date and how lucky i am to be alive and not killed and stuff) And I dont know It just didnt register in my head until I got to the beach so i did send my location to my best friend. so she knew where I was. even tho my girl is in texas and im in california LOl. so when we got to the beach we actually picked up sea glass and it just it felt like a movie. or something I read in books. It was soft and slow and I just felt safe. And we just huddled together as the wind pushed us together. And I asked to hold his hand and he just laughed exasperated and was like “OHMYGOD U DONT HAVE TO ASK just hold my hand its fine” and yeah so i got to hold his hand.  After the date we talked on the phone and it just nice.  Second date: Steven took me to the science museum playground for kids. It was so much fun we saw cute animals and interacted with the science experiments. There was a lot of sequin textures sensorys and it just was so nice. LOL he drew a lit hand sign while i tried to make an xD face, but failed. Then we were hungry so he took me to have poke (IT WAS MY FIRST TIME LOL) and it was delicious but i was kinda hungry still. After he took me to this   old bookstore and we roamed the aisle looking at different books. Then he took me to his place where we shared our first kiss. I was really shy and scared but we took things slow and sat on his bed and cuddled. He was really upset when he found out that I never cuddled before. I didn't understand why he was upset but he just told me he felt sad that I never had that intimate connection. And at first I was bored but towards the last hour I felt really cozy and it just felt nice, the way his hands wrapped around my waist. I did get aroused which kinda freaked me out because I never really felt that sensation before. LOL so it made me really anxious. LIKE CALM DOWN COLLEENY. Third date: We did some shopping at TarzHay (target) lolol and daiso together. it felt nice. Then we went back to his place to have dinner. He shared his dinner with me and it was really good and after we cuddled and kissed and watched youtube videos together. And it just was really romantic.  Fourth date: Went to a movie on a work night. we saw The saga of tanya the evil. And it was fun watching anime with him. And I was just soo shy i didnt hold his hand I just we just focused watching the movie together and enjoying each others company.  Fifth date:  went to fanime (anime convention) for the FIRST TIMEEE  last saturday ( may  25, 2019) i met up with him there! I cosplayed as kiki from kiki’s delivery service. it was fun! So he was playing ddr well competing in the tournament. for a lil 3 hours ish. After we went to get something to drink so he bought me a drink...it was sweet but somewhat bitter but i did enjoy the sugar that was decorated coated around the  rim of the glass. And  i got hyper ish LOL And steven just laughed. But i let him finish it for me because I couldnt. Then we went to go walk to get food. in line there was a guy talking to him. And the guy asked us what we were and if we been here bfore. and steven said it was his first time not being alone. and i said it was my first time. and then I just stuttered and got shy because we havent discussed what we were to each other. Like we just only talked about us liking each other a lot. And how we both enjoyed each others company. So I replied with “we dd-d-d--dateing? We on a d ate. we dating. date. uh yeh uh” and then steven wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me in close to him and added “ yeah we are going steady.” AND OOOOOOO I BLUSHED SO HARDDDDDDDD. aaaa still blushing LOL  Anyway lol food was delcious. i had a bento curry chicken box. Then we sat down and rested our feet in the hall and he took a nap on my thigh lol. it was cute and i just scratched his forehead bc i was too scare to scratch his head LOL. and then we watched the season 3 of attack on titan together and he held my hand and my arm and it just felt nice.  I curled up against him and we just enjoyed watching 5 episodes together.  Sixth date:  today saturday june 1, 2019 is gonna be the sixth date. sooooo ILL JUST KEEP U  POSTED On what we are gonna do. loool time for bed