#and there goes my energy to do schoolwork

[tallytals]

soon

[aroacesigma]

i wanna work out and get ripped so i look more masc but im DEPRESSED fuck my lfie

[bunnihearted]

.

[aflame4goinghome]

Part Of The Band

j.t.k x f.reader

part one

a/n: this is my first time writing Jake and I have to admit that it’s been so intimidating. he was the one I was soooo scared to write, since he’s my main lane. I plan to make this into a series, so I really hope you all enjoy it :)

word count: 5k

summary: your best friend asks you to come with her to a concert for a band that you’re unfamiliar with. your decision to go proves to have more repercussions than you thought when you run into the band at your favorite bar after the show. you never would have imagined the pull that you’d feel toward their guitarist, or that you would somehow manage to capture his attention…

warnings: yearning, some cussing, mentions of alcohol, smoking. some parts are slightly sexually implicit, including: light groping, kissing, and some sexual language. minors beware! the next part will definitely contain smut.

You’ve never been one to pass up on a night out, especially if it involves music. Music is something that you actively search for constantly, it defines you. You’d do anything to just be able to listen to live music, to close your eyes and just feel it flow through your body. Since you lack any actual musical talent besides half-decent singing, you just listen to it as much as you can.

So, when your roommate and best friend, Sophie, asked you to come with her to a concert tonight last minute, you could hardly just say no. Did you have a big midterm tomorrow afternoon that you needed to study for? Maybe. But live music always comes first. Sophie was always finding last-minute concerts for you to go to together- it was kind of your thing. This time, however, it was a band you didn’t really know.

You’re pretty sure you’ve heard one of their singles, Heat Above, online somewhere a few times but that was the most knowledge you had of Greta Van Fleet. You don’t know much about their background or their names, just that they make rock music and that’s all you need to be convinced to go. You and Sophie had always found yourselves at the Greek Theatre for just about any kind of concert, so this wasn’t a new thing for you.

The show is meant to start at 7:00 pm, but Sophie is always determined to be as close to the stage as possible, so you’re getting ready in the afternoon to get there around 2:30 or 3 o’clock. In the name of comfortability, you opt to wear ripped black skinny jeans, a white halter top, and your Doc Martens. You keep your hair down, wavy and lying right below your shoulders. You put on some simple makeup, just to cover up any blemishes you might have, do some tight-lined eyeliner, and put on a bit of your favorite silver eyeshadow. You take a deep breath. Okay, you’re ready.

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

Sophie calls your Uber over to the Greek and you both arrive there just in time. You see about 50 people there already, so you both know that you’ll have a great spot in the small pit. You guys sit down at the end of the line and make yourselves comfortable to wait in the line for several hours until you’re let into the venue. Late October in LA can be pretty comfortable, today is in the mid-70s, so it isn’t a terrible day to camp out. You and Sophie talk about schoolwork, gossip about your friends, and play various games until it’s suddenly 6 o’clock and it’s time to head into the venue.

The group walks down the steps of the Greek and security has the line start all the way to the left of the pit. You and Sophie end up standing toward the front of the right side of the stage, which you’re perfectly content with. It’s not long before the openers come on- they were all great. The energy in the theatre was amazing and the weather was beautiful, it was like a dream.

Next thing you know, the lights go out and it’s pitch black. The crowd goes wild, screaming for the band to come out. Ominous music starts to play over the speakers and a short video plays on the screens on the sides of the stage. You can tell that the band enjoyed building suspense and it certainly works.

Suddenly, you see a dark silhouette emerge from stage left and appear right in front of your gaze. He’s holding a guitar, stepping up to the front of the stage where you assume his pedals are, and strikes a loud chord, bringing everyone’s attention to him. The lights turn up, with a sole spotlight on him, as he starts to play a dark, hypnotizing melody that almost takes the air out of your lungs. You turn your focus to the drummer and keyboardist entering the stage now, adding to the mix and making the sound grow even larger and darker than before.

The crowd then screams as the singer walks out with an enormous smile on his face. You can immediately tell what fans would love about him, he exudes brightness and kindness from the second you look at him. He begins vocalizing and you’re taken aback by his singing abilities, his voice is truly amazing.

The first verse begins and you decide to turn your attention back to the guitarist. You study the way he moves on stage; how he walks upstage then downstage with this confident strut that you can’t help but feel mesmerized by. You notice a theme of blue in their outfits but are drawn specifically to the design on the guitarist’s suit, covered in stars and astrological symbols of the Taurus, paired with dark boots. It’s honestly beautiful.

As you’re admiring what he’s wearing, you take a moment to truly look at him. He has long brown hair with a slight wave to it, falling an inch or two below his collarbones. His eyebrows are dark and quite thick, knit tightly as he’s concentrating on what he’s playing. His eyes are equally as dark, though it's hard to tell their exact hue from this many feet away.

You catch yourself staring for too long and want to make the effort to shift your eyes elsewhere and as you do, his eyes meet yours. It’s a concert, of course the band is going to make eye contact with their fans, it’s a small pit. But he seems to hold his gaze for several seconds to the point where you think he might actually be looking at you specifically. You give him a shy smile, which he returns, and then moves on with the song.

The rest of the song continues and you think you’re really starting to like Greta Van Fleet, the music is truly fantastic. The singer’s voice is beautiful and like nothing you’ve ever heard before. Suddenly he stops and the guitarist approaches the end of the stage, seemingly for his guitar solo. It’s nothing short of amazing, the way that he plays the guitar is so captivating, it’s like your eyes can’t look away.

You hear the crowd go insane for it, screaming things like “Yeah Jake!” “Do it, Jakey!” “Fuck it up!!” and you’re sure that he’s eating it all up. Jake, you think to yourself. Interesting. It becomes clear that the girls go crazy for him and you know that must give him some sort of complex. He seems so confident and you can’t blame him, with all the praise that he’s receiving- praise that is very well-deserved.

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

All of the following songs go the same exact way. You can’t seem to take your eyes off of Jake. You’ve also deeply fallen in love with their music and the love that it emits. You feel very glad about your decision to go to the concert tonight- you can feel that this has changed the course of your life in some way. Throughout the show, you notice that sometimes Jake would catch you watching him, which you didn’t mind. Surely he was used to being watched on stage like that, in amazement and admiration. You truly do admire him and his talent, it’s something very special. All of his riffs are so satisfying to hear and the chords blend so perfectly.

Once the encore ends, the band goes to leave the stage. You watch Jake as he walks toward the end of the stage, which you assume is to hand out his guitar picks before leaving for the night. Much to your surprise, he looks right at you as he leans over and tosses it to you. Your cheeks turn a shade of pink and you look up at him, smiling and thanking him. What a night to remember. You think that this would be it, but you are dead wrong.

You and Sophie turn to exit the pit, which takes some time considering how close you are to the front. You’re eventually able to exit the theatre and wait on the sidewalk for a game plan. “So… you wanna go to the Tavern?” Sophie asks. The Tavern is your go-to bar in Beverly Hills; it has a good atmosphere, great cocktails, and isn’t too far from campus. You and Sophie go there at least once every weekend, they all know your names there. You glare at her with a concerned look, “Soph, I have such a big exam tomorrow, are you serious?” She rolls her eyes, “Come on! Live a little! You’re telling me you don’t wanna at least get a little drunk to take your mind off of it? We just saw an amazing show, let’s go celebrate!”

Sophie always knew how to convince you to do anything, no matter what it was. She knew your weaknesses every time. You groan, “Ugh, fine. But if you have to wake my ass up tomorrow at 2 pm for my exam because I’m too hungover, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.” She smiles wide and says “I know, I know. I’ve already called the Uber to take us there now.” Cheeky girl, she knew she’d convince you.

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

It's already midnight by the time you arrive at the Tavern. The last call is always at 1 am so you know that you won't be there too long. You both walk in and find your favorite booth in the back, placing your jackets down before going up to the bar to order your drinks. Sophie orders you both a shot of tequila, then gets herself a margarita. You order a bourbon punch and turn back to take a seat in your booth. You both take your shots when you sit down, then you debrief tonight’s events.

“So, what did you think of the band? Did you like them?” Sophie asks.

“Yeah, it was amazing actually. I don’t know how I hadn’t found them before now. The music that they make is extraordinary,” you reply with a smile. You do have some questions, though. “So what’s their deal? The lore?”

“Oh, well they’re from Michigan. They’re actually brothers, besides the drummer- though they all grew up together. Josh, the singer, and Jake, the guitarist, are twins.” You nod your head. I did think they looked alike, you think to yourself. “Sam is their younger brother, and Danny is his best friend. They’ve been making music for a while but they blew up a lot in like 2019 and then this new album skyrocketed their fame.”

“Well, that doesn’t surprise me. This album is absolutely breathtaking. From what I heard tonight, their music is so mind-blowing. It really took my breath away,” you explain.

“I knew you'd love it. I’m so glad that you’re into them now. Especially Jake, it seemed,” she smirked.

You reach over to smack her on the arm and exclaim, “Sophie! That’s crazy! I don’t know where you got that idea! I was not into him.” The blush that’s made its way to your face tells a different story, however.

“You so were! You couldn’t take your eyes off of him that entire show, I watched you. I think he might’ve been looking at you too, you know,” she jests. Just the thought that Jake might have been actually interested in you made your stomach turn. You shake your head.

“No, Soph. There’s no way. Sure, we might have locked eyes once or twice, but there were thousands of people there. I’m sure he looks at all of his fans like that…” you trail off, wanting to shut this conversation down as soon as possible to save yourself from any further embarrassment. You pick up your glass, which is half empty, then chug the whole thing. “Oh, look at that, my drink is gone. I’m gonna go get another, I’ll be back.” You smirk at her, successfully avoiding the conversation for now, and then get up from your seat to walk back to the bar.

As you approach the bar, there’s a group of men leaning against it, ordering drinks. You go to stand on the right of them to wait your turn and the man next to you senses your presence and turns to look at you. As he turns in your direction, you see the long chestnut hair and are met with dark chocolate eyes. You’re immediately hit with the realization: Oh my god. It’s Jake.

He looks at you and offers a soft smile as a greeting. “Hi…” you manage to let out, looking up at him. “Hey,” he replies. You glance behind him and see the rest of the band. Oh my GOD. Greta Van Fleet is at my bar. You just stand there leaning against the bar for a moment looking at him, unsure of what to say next. You find yourself looking him up and down, analyzing what he’s wearing off the stage.

He has on a different pair of boots now, a light brown color. He's wearing some tattered blue jeans and a navy blue, long-sleeved button-up shirt, of which the top four buttons are undone, leaving his upper chest partially exposed. The lighting in the Tavern reflects off of it in such a mesmerizing way. You realize that you’ve been staring for far too long and go to say something, but luckily he beats you to it.

“Were you at our show tonight? I think I remember your face…” Jake says, looking into your eyes as though he’s piercing right into your soul, studying you. You feel stuck, though you’re not sure why. Up until today, you weren’t a fan of theirs and you wouldn’t have thought anything about this interaction at all whatsoever. So why were you so flustered? You finally work up the courage to answer.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was there. It was… spectacular,” you say with a shy smile, finally meeting his gaze. He smiles back at you when your attention is suddenly pulled away by the sound of a loud voice coming from behind him.

“You really liked it? I’m so glad. I get so in my head sometimes, y’know, I was so nervous. So it’s lovely to hear that I didn’t totally crash and burn.” The man that you now understand to be Jake’s curly-headed twin reaches over the bar past Jake and extends his hand out to you. “I’m Josh, by the way,” he adds with a wide smile. You reach your hand out to shake his, in total shock that this is actually happening.

“Hi, Josh. I’m Y/N, which I was just about to tell your brother here…” you joke, making him realize that he’d accidentally interrupted something. He makes an “oh that’s awkward” kind of face and pulls at his collar, causing you to laugh. Jake watches as you interact with his twin with a look on his face that you can’t quite place. Like he’s trying to figure you out.

“Sorry about him, Y/N, sometimes he just speaks first and then thinks after,” you hear from further down the bar. You look up to see that voice coming from Sam next to him, who gets a shove from his older brother and erupts into contagious laughter. You watch Danny shake his head, chuckling, and you laugh along with them. Jake looks over at you, smiling. You smile back at him and he speaks up, drawing your attention back to him and him alone.

“What are you drinking, Y/N?” he asks. “Oh, um, a bourbon punch,” you answer. “Another bourbon punch for this lovely lady here, please,” he says to the bartender, “You can put it on my tab.” You look at him in shock and try to protest but he sees it coming, saying “No, I insist. As a thank you, for your support and for making my brother happy for a moment there with your compliment- he’s easy to please.”

He leans one arm onto the counter and smirks at you as the bartender places your drink down in front of you. “Cheers, sweetheart,” Jake says, raising his glass to yours. You glance down at the glass to see what he’s drinking, which seems to be whisky, neat. It suits him. You smile at him and say “Cheers” and take a sip of your fresh drink. His eyes are looking into yours so intently that it almost feels like they’re burning into you. Something about him is so intriguing yet slightly intimidating that you want to learn more.

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

“Are you here alone?” he asks. “Oh, no, I’m here with a friend. She’s back there at our table.” Jake looks behind you to see Sophie, who has been intently watching this entire interaction unfold. He smiles and gives her a little wave to come over, so she stands up and comes up to the bar. “Would you both like to join us for a round? We have a larger booth upstairs with a few of our friends.” His eyes look down at you for an answer, waiting and hoping for a yes. Before you can answer, Sophie chimes in to answer for you, “We’d love to!” she says, elbowing your side to encourage you to agree and you nod along. “Yeah, sure, we can stay for a bit longer,” you reply, looking up at Jake, who seems satisfied with that answer.

The rest of the guys get their drinks and you follow them up the winding staircase to the large booth that they reserved. When you arrive at the table, you see a few other people waiting there whom you assume to be part of their management, security, and some personal friends. Danny and Sam slide in first to the left to join their friends and Josh goes for an open spot on the right side. Jake extends his hand out, offering for you to take a seat between them, and then slides in on the left next to you. Sophie opts to sit next to Sam on the end, across from you.

You both introduce yourselves to the rest of the group. Their friends seem unsurprised that they managed to make friends in the short time they’ve been in the bar. From the few minutes you’ve spent with them, you can tell that their social and charismatic tendencies would likely often lead to new friendships everywhere they go. It’s something you’re starting to admire about them.

As you’re getting to know the group, it’s impossible not to notice Jake’s eyes on you. He’s studying you as you speak, watching the way your lips move and admiring you. It’s difficult to ignore, though you try your best to. He starts speaking and you turn your head to look at him, taking the time to look him over as well. You look at his eyes, mostly, a mesmerizing dark chocolate color that turns into amber when the light touches them. His nose is straight and pointed, his lips look soft and full.

He catches you staring at him, just for a moment, and uses the opportunity to place his right hand on your knee, exposed by the large rips in your jeans, rubbing small circles on top of it. It makes you jump a little at first touch, startled by his actions. You couldn’t believe this was real life. You look up at him and you both lock eyes. It falls silent for a moment and Josh starts a conversation with Daniel across the table, everyone else engaging and chiming in. Jake takes this opportunity to lean into your ear a bit to talk to you on his own, which he’s been dying to do.

“I know you were watching me earlier, at the show…” he whispers in your ear, loud enough only for you to hear. Your heart nearly stops, but he continues. “It’s okay, you know, I don’t mind it. If anything, I kind of liked it,” he says, his breath feeling hot on your skin. “Maybe I was,” you answer shyly, turning your face toward him a bit so that he can hear you more clearly. Your eyes meet and you watch as his eyes quickly dart to your lips, then back up to look at you once more.

“I was watching you too,” he says, sliding his hand a bit higher above your knee, resting on your inner thigh, slightly gripping it. “Watching you study me… and how my fingers worshipped the strings…” he continues, leaning closer to your ear, his lips grazing lightly over it. Shivers run down your back and continue down toward your core, causing you to silently yearn for more. You inhale deeply, then ask “And what did you think about that, Jake?” saying his name in a honeyed tone, causing him to squeeze your thigh and look deep into your eyes, piercing through them. You knew exactly what he was thinking, but you wanted to hear him say it. You wanted to be absolutely sure that what you thought was about to happen was actually happening.

“Do you wanna go outside for a smoke, Y/N?” Jake asks, slightly loud enough so that the others can hear. Sophie looks at you, smirking; she clearly can tell exactly what’s going on. She nods at you, encouraging you to go. “Uh, yeah Jake, sure,” you mutter, a bit awkwardly. You weren’t expecting him to try and get you alone, you had felt all this time that he was just playing with you. It’s clear now, though, that this was not a game.

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

He stands up from the booth and offers his hand to help you up as well. Despite the dark aura that surrounds him, he still appears to be quite the gentleman. You stand up from the booth, shoot Sophie a nervous look, and then turn around to head back down the stairs. Jake follows closely behind you.

You get to the bottom of the stairs and head to the back of the Tavern to go out the back door, to the smoking area. It’s an outdoor patio behind the bar, illuminated with low-lit string lights and decorated with some picnic tables with a few ashtrays. You exit through the door and turn around to face him as the door closes silently behind him. His eyes are darker now, piercing into you as he approaches you. You back up slowly until the backs of your legs hit one of the tables and then sit on the edge of it while Jake takes out a pack of Marlboro Reds and a black lighter from his back pocket.

He pulls a cigarette out of the pack, places it between his lips, and then brings the lighter up to light it. He takes a long drag out of it and blows it to the side, avoiding blowing any smoke in your face, then steps closer to you until he’s standing between your legs, only inches away from you. He puts the cigarette down to sit on the ashtray for a moment and he finally speaks.

“Y/N/ I can’t seem to stop thinking about you. You’ve captivated me from the second the lights turned up on that stage tonight. I haven’t been able to take my eyes off you…” he says, bringing his hand up to your cheek and running his thumb along your cheek. He’s watching your eyes, how they look up at him with anticipation, waiting for him. He can feel the power that he has over you.

“I can’t stop thinking about you either… Seeing you for the first time on stage tonight has caused you to completely take over my thoughts ever since. No matter how hard I tried to watch the others, my eyes kept getting drawn right back to you. It was like I couldn’t control it,” you say, glancing down at his lips and then back to his eyes longingly. “I don’t feel like I can control myself around you, baby… I’m being tempted to throw out all of my rules for you,” Jake says in a low whisper, bringing his face closer to yours.

Your eyes look up at his, pleading. He can’t hold himself back anymore, finally closing the gap between you. He kisses you so deeply that it takes the air out of your lungs. He leans into you and his hand that was once on your cheek grasps the back of your neck tightly, causing you to let out a quiet whimper. Just the sound of it lights a fire within him, he takes his other hand to hold your hip in place and groans into your mouth. You place your hands around his neck and pull him closer to you, your bodies now flush together.

Jake pulls away, his face still only a few inches from yours, and tries to catch his breath. His left hand squeezes your hip as the other leaves your neck in order to reach behind you to grab his cigarette, still lit. He takes a drag from it blowing it to the side, but keeps his eyes locked on yours and watches as you stare at his lips when he blows the smoke out. He takes note of your interest in the way he’s blowing the smoke and says, “Open your mouth.”

You immediately obey, knowing you’d do anything he asks you to, and open your mouth. He takes another drag of the cigarette and kisses you again, blowing the smoke into your mouth and you breathe it in as you lean into the kiss. This elicits another moan from him, clearly turned on by the act. He leans into you harder and bucks his hips into you slightly, trying to release some tension. You moan quietly into his mouth at the sensation, your desire starting to pulsate between your legs.

His lips leave your mouth and place kisses along your jaw then down your neck, causing you to let out a small sigh. “You don’t even know what you do to me, sweetheart,” Jake mutters against your skin. He brings his mouth back to yours and kisses you once more, but you pull yourself away.

“Jake… I want this. I want you, but… not now.” He looks disappointed by your words but backs away slightly, sliding both of his hands down to your waist. “I’m sorry, I just- I have this big exam tomorrow and I’ve already stayed out so much later than I ever even intended to. I have to go home.”

He nods his head in understanding, then it seems like a lightbulb lights up in his head. He smiles and says, “Come to the show tomorrow night, then. Please… I need to see you again. I want to see you front and center when I play.” You’re taken aback completely at his kind offer. You know you need to see him again too, and you’d like nothing more than to watch them perform again. You nod your head, “Oh, Jake. I would love to go. That’s so sweet,” you say, smiling bashfully. Jake’s face lights up at your answer, “It’s gonna be a great show, baby. You won’t regret it. I’ll have Jenn email you the tickets as soon as we get back to our hotel, one for Sophie too.” You thank him and place a soft peck on his cheek, causing a hue of pink to form there. You both go back inside and return to your friends upstairs.

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

“Soph, you ready to go home?” you ask her. “I really gotta get up for this midterm tomorrow,” you explain to the others, who all nod and wish you luck. Sophie nods and says goodnight to everyone. Jake offers to walk you both out to the bus stop to wait for the bus to take you back to your apartment. Sophie goes to sit on the bench as you wait a bit behind with Jake.

He places a soft goodnight kiss on your lips and you hum into it and smile as he brings his hand up to cup your cheek. “Here, let me see your phone,” he says, taking it and typing in his phone number, putting his contact name as “Sir Jacob ⚔️”, which makes you giggle. “Text me when you make it home safe, sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says with a smirk. “See you tomorrow, Jake,” you reply as he turns back to the front door of the Tavern. He turns back around and gives you a soft smile, and you wave goodbye before he goes back inside.

You turn around and sit down on the bench next to Sophie, who finally wants to know all of the details. The bus arrives and you fill her in on everything on the ride home, causing her to laugh and scream in excitement, much to the dismay of the other exhausted people who are on the city bus at one o’clock in the morning. You tell her that he’s sending you tickets for both of you to go to the next show tomorrow night and that he’s asking security to put you in the front row, which she is so psyched about.

You both finally arrive home and you take your makeup off, put some comfier clothes on, and collapse into bed. What a night, you think to yourself. It was nothing like you ever could have imagined. You turn over and plug your phone in, then open up the messages app and type in “Sir Jacob ⚔️”.

You: home safe <3

Sir Jacob ⚔️: Good. Sweet dreams, beautiful.

You: goodnight, jake

You place your phone down on your bedside table and flop down on your back, letting out a long sigh. You think about your exam tomorrow and the excitement that will come thereafter. You wonder where tomorrow night will lead you as you close your eyes and try to fall asleep. God, what have I gotten myself into?

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

this story will be continued... comment to be added to the taglist! thank you so much for reading!

part two

[ataraxixx]

post/crystallized au stuff and then a silly comic about aftonsparv .... i should do full drawings again soon but ive been busy with a lot of schoolwork and most of my serious drawing energy goes into comms so you guys get le silly doodles. ilove citrus

[studentbyday]

so the week is half over and i'm kind of feeling low on energy and needing lots of sleep, which is the perfect opportunity to (sort of) try out einstein's daily routine (which is tbh the most personally palatable daily routine of a famous person i've ever chanced across)! i've been waking up at nearly 9 anyway since lately my head spins and i feel sick if i don't sleep like 9-10 hours.

So yeah, wake up at 9.

Between 9 and 10, eat breakfast and read the newspapers fiction

I know after breakfast he was said to often walk to Princeton and arrive by 10:30 or smth but (a) I don't go to Princeton, and (b) these days I study at home, so instead I'm just going to do some form of exercise.

~10:30 to 1pm: work study

have lunch (i read somewhere that he spends 1.5h on lunch and tea? i wish i could have a lunch and tea that leisurely but i do not have the time. so i won't.)

afternoons: receive visitors and work study

also afternoons: naps if needed (tho thankfully i seem to have enough energy to last me through the day if i get 9-10h of sleep... also i just don't think i'll have much time for naps. 🙁)

~6:30pm: have dinner [and clean up]

after dinner: more work study if needed (most likely needed)

sleeeeeeeepppppppp [be ready for or in bed by 9 or 10]

i'll update this post later to let you know how it goesss~

i hope you're feeling better than i am this week 💗🤒

~the aforementioned update~

ahahaha i don't think i did a very good job of following any routine this week. on wednesday i slept a little later than usual and ended up waking up at 10am (i didn't set an alarm for some reason). on thursday i set my alarm for 7 and then 8 and then 10 because i had to finish reviewing the last of the microbiology for the midterm and actually woke up at 9:30. and on friday i want to actually wake up somewhere within the hour of 7am so i can hopefullyyyy finish all my schoolwork for this week?? despite the seeming slowness of einstein's routine, i always feel like i'm rushing when i wake up when the sun is already up and most everyone else i live with is already awake, so i'm going to try this again over reading week but change the wake-up time and stick to it dammit— 😤

also i feel like if i'm gonna be posting on tumblr again, i should post my screen time stats for accountability because for some reason whenever i start making stuff for social media, my screen time goes through the roof bc i get so distracted and like oh wait there was this thing i want to add no wait where was i— (as i got lost in a scroll.) and this happens multiple times. but sometimes i do feel very much like yapping and when i'm in this mood, i could yap for days on end so i gotta find a solution...

just LOOK at this horrendousness!!!

also. there was so much material to cover for the microbio midterm it was insane. i feel like i need to follow the 80/20 rule. like...just prioritize the big topics, don't care so much about the extraneous, minor details so i only expend energy for and fill my brain with what i really need to know. and i'm not sure how good flashcards are for that because it just seems kinda random, the order in which cards are thrown at you in anki, and i'm the kind of person who, at least during the first pass, compulsively desires to cover everything, and so what do you think happens? i end up with a massive “stack” of flashcards, including cards about minor/extraneous details. every. single. time. i'm not entirely sure how i want to navigate this yet, but i'm definitely gonna try that 80/20 rule...bc this was just too stressful 🥲

[no-stupid-questions-official]

how can i make time for myself as a senior in high school?

all of my time and energy goes into schoolwork and the little free time i do have i’m pressured into doing college related stuff like working on my essay, researching, applying to scholarships, etc. (which i really need to do because i still have no clue where im going or how im going to pay for it) and i haven’t been able to get to any of my hobbies :( even when i do rarely have time like on weekends im so exhausted from school and everything that i still can’t do anything i want to

-

[pussinbootsandbountyhunter]

My Pamson Triplets

Johnny, Bobby and Lilly (before Benson Jr)

💙Johnny is a blue gumball machine who wore glasses and had dark brown hair just like his dad, he plays the drums and do science in his spare time before he would help his dad to get the job done. Benson wasn’t sure if Johnny was reminded of Mordecai due to the blue colour and he plays video games with Mordecai’s son Zack, but he would it funny that Johnny would turn his face red when he’s angry.

💜Bobby is full of energy and passion since he’s a purple gumball machine as he loves doing his schoolwork in maths and English before he goes to get his hands dirty with nature at the park. He does have a crush on Mordecai’s daughter Octavia and rather keep it as a secret, he loves to get himself drunk with hot wings when he’s off work but he enjoys being with his siblings dearly and helped mom with science before he plays ping-pong and tennis with his mom.

🩷Lilly is a special pink gumball machine as she has pink eyes and long brown hair like Rapunzel, she loves to spend time with Poppy as they are best friends since they were toddlers and she loves to study with books. Learning new things is her hobby along with drawing art and writing stories, she also enjoys playing with a guitar and piano with her siblings. But her face would turn red as well when she’s angry as she hates other kids bullying Poppy or her siblings. She can be stubborn sometimes but deep down, she’s a soft-spoken person who can be so kind to others.

@br333 @tr85n

[feralboo-the-weirdo]

I think we should normalize active parenting. Like we have plenty of examples of neglectful parents, we should get some of active parents. Also, to all the parents already doing the stuff below, great work.

I don't have kids, but I was a kid, and I think these are things parents should know.

If your child comes to you with a concern, no matter how insignificant or stupid you personally find it, take them seriously. It is important to them, even if it isn't important to you. Also, they wouldn't bring it up to you unless they thought it was important. Taking your children's "smaller" concerns seriously will make it far more likely they will come to you with the biger ones. Also, if it's a problem you can't solve, there is no shame in getting outside help, even if it means "exposing" the fact things aren't perfect. You cannot solve every single one of your child's problems alone. And you should help them solve problems, so you aren't solving everything for them. They do need to learn how to solve things on their own, like fights with siblings, or schoolwork. WITHIN REASON. If your child brings up to you that one of their siblings is depressed, or is struggling with something else like that (I.e. an eating disorder or self harm, or other mental illnesses), or otherwise heavy concerns, IT SHOULD NOT BE THE CHILDS RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX IT AND HELP THE SIBLING. YOU ARE THE ADULT. NOT THEM.

No child should EVER have to be the one dealing with these things because you don't think they're important, and you want to ignore them. Just because it's common that most siblings have to be a third parent doesn't mean it should be. Sweeping it under the rug is easy, but you SHOULD NOT make your child deal with it because they knew you didn't care.

Children and teens will match your energy. If you don't care about what they say the chances of them talking to you, and/listening to you decrease dramaticlly.

Also. The same goes for when they're excited about something. Positive reinforcment will make them far more likely to succeed becasue they know you'll care. They figured out how to tie their shoes? AMAZING. They drew a really really crappy stickfigure drawing of a person petting a cat? Tell them what you like about it, (colors, bold lines, etc) and maybe sandwich in a suggestion for how they could make it better.

Further, If your child is upset about something, don't belittle them because you don't think they should be upset about it. at that point you're past they shouldn't be upset about it, they ARE upset about it. Also, this moment, right now, for them is the hardest they have ever lived. Just because they're not an adult and they're not struggling with the same things as you, doesn't make their struggles any less valid. It might not seem like it because you know that not getting an A in math is not the same level as not being able to pay rent, but it's on that level for them. Just because it's "kid" struggles, doesn't mean it's not a struggle. They deserve to have their feelings validated just as much as you do, even though it's not an adult problem. Stuff is really really really hard as a kid because you don't have the skills to cope with things and you're experiencing a lot of things for the first time in high dosages, and it's hard.

Do with this what you will, but I wish my parents had done ANY of this when I was growing up.

[cripple-punk-dad]

I find it exceptionally frustrating that people don't realize just how many barriers there are in front of trans people and our access to college/university/higher education. I'm mainly talking about the United States here, but I know other countries are just as bad or worse.

There's the obvious bias present in the application process, but there's also things like systemically unequal access to well-paying jobs because of unchecked discrimination in the hiring/onboarding process (you getting outed because you have to show an ID that doesn't have the correct gender marker) which prevents us from getting enough money to pay for tuition without going into debt.

There's bias present in housing availability. Not just because of a lack of income, but because again you will, more likely than not, have to out yourself for identification. I didn't move out of my parents house until halfway through my first semester. That meant I was commuting an hour and a half on public transportation every single day, 6 days a week just to go to class.

There's the lack of access to trans-specific healthcare which negatively impacts mental and physical health, which seriously impacts our ability to focus on schoolwork. I know that here in Utah, there are two or three gender clinics IN THE ENTIRE STATE. It can take forever just to get an appointment, and then most insurances don't cover treatment which means you're paying out of pocket. HRT and surgery are often prohibitively expensive. That obviously goes hand-in-hand with able-ism, because god forbid you be trans AND disabled. Or trans and any other marginalized identity.

Along with that, there's the stress that comes from attending courses in an increasingly transphobic country that has a history of violent, life-threatening attacks on visibly trans people and college campus' in general. And, of course, there's the constant misgendering and micro-aggressions that come from fellow students and faculty, which also add to the seriously declining mental state of the average trans college student.

I'm stealth in most of my circles, meaning that as far as most people know, I'm a cis guy. But the amount of mental and physical energy that I have to exert in order to maintain that stealth status is exhausting, even without acknowledging that I am physically disabled. When half of your energy is going into survival, you can't exactly do well on your finals, can you?

Anyways, this scholarship is for trans people attending college. I encourage y'all to fill it out if you need the money.

[aiilurociide]

I'm stoked to continue seeing the development of your story! Your art, world-building, story-telling, etc, have come so far since I first started following you years ago. At the same time, I'm over here sobbing cause the @newdawnoldfaces account has disappeared and I can't look at the character headshots anymore XD.

🥺 Oh I’ll cry-

Gosh, thank you so much, sincerely. To have your continued support, love, and enthusiasm truly goes such a long way for keeping me driven, and I can never thank y’all enough for that — especially those of you who have stuck around with the story since near the beginning <3

The story itself is finished! I have a very clear idea of what the story is meant to portray, several important details and clever foreshadowings I’m especially excited to enact, and where the plot will reach out. I just have to iron out some of the specifics and do a little bit of restructuring here and there, with some minor world building tweaks, before I’m ready to start sharing… And brand new headshots with full character profiles are one of the biggest things on the list ;) So don’t mourn the old ones too deeply!!

Admittedly, the main reason it’s taken so long for me to feel comfortable enough actually unveiling things is because my housing situation is very unstable at the moment; it wholly depends on my grades in college, and seeing as I’m on academic probation at the moment, it’s been… Stressful, to say the very least. So most of my energy has been poured into my schoolwork and trying to stay afloat there, or trying to save up money via commissions just in case I do end up homeless. I’ve got vital medications I need that have to be paid for, after all…

So unfortunately, Ailurocide isn’t my primary focus at the moment, as much as I wish it were. It probably won’t be given my full attention and love for some time, as disappointing as that is not only for all of you, but for myself as well.

But rest assured that it will come out someday in full! And that I am so excited to begin sharing it with you, and watching everyone unveil the mystery, mythos, and magic that Ailurocide has to offer <3 And know that I appreciate everyone’s patience, kindness, support and encouragement so so deeply — and that messages like these truly make my day, every time.

<3

[idontplaytrack]

MY CHARMED ONE [9]

Capri Donahue x Harper Sibling!fem reader

Warnings: angst, fluff, hospital mentions, coarse language

In which Capri goes to PT for her injury. And then she tries to do schoolwork while on meds. Reader goes a little crazy having to deal with her antics while Capri makes a revelation.

“Oh, hi, baby!” Capri didn’t know you were going to be at her house so she was thrilled to see you. Thrilled.

“Is she-”

“Oh, yeah.” Her Mom nodded knowingly.

“Guess schoolwork will have to wait.” You held back a laugh.

“Okay, will you be good and not give y/n a hard time having to deal with your high ass? I’ve got to go back to work.” Her Mom sat her down on the couch to be with you.

“Okay, fine.” She pouted, “Bye-bye.”

“Bye, Capri.” Her Mom smiled, “If anything happens- call me. Also, if you need anything from the store, let me know so I can pick them up on my way home tonight.”

“Okayyyy.” Capri said back.

“Bye, y/n.”

“Bye, Trina.” You waved to her Mom. Yeah, she kinda had you start calling her by her first name recently, thinking that ‘Mrs. Donahue’ was way too formal.

“At least she doesn’t sing Chicago.” Capri quips absentmindedly.

“What?” You mumbled.

“It’s a joke.” She giggles, “Trina Vega?”

“Oh.” You chuckled when you finally got her joke.

“Yeah.” She nodded, “What time- what time did you get here?”

“I dunno. An hour ago?”

“Oh, that’s so long.” Capri glares at you. Well, her eyes were widened, so there’s that. “No, babe. It was okay. Did you want something to eat? It’s just about lunchtime.”

“Can we get burgers?”

“Uh, sure. I’m sure we can find someplace that delivers.”

“Can you make ‘em?” She requested.

“Me?” You asked her, bewildered.

“Yeah, you. You can cook. We have everything you need.” She nodded excitedly.

“Okay, okay. I’ll make us burgers for lunch.” You gave in, throwing your hands up in mock defeat. You got up to go to the kitchen. And told her to stay put, but she hobbles over there to join you anyway.

“Capri, I told you-”

“I’m boreeeeed.” She complains. You laugh, “Okay, just- sit down. Please. You can’t put weight on that leg yet.”

“Okay, fine. I’m sitting.” She huffs, pouting, sitting herself down at the dining table.

“Well? Talk to me, then. Since you’re bored?” You suggested, getting a pack of ground beef out from her fridge to start preparing the meal.

Capri then proceeded to talk to you about anything and everything that came to her mind. You loved this side of her that didn’t show unless she was alone with you. That was for you only.

“You look so hot.” She said out of the blue.

You scoffed, brushing her comment of while constructing the burgers, “Do you want cheese on yours?”

“Yeah.” She nodded, “Maybe some lettuce. Just lettuce, though.”

“Alright.” You shrugged, got that done and handed her the plate.

————

“You haven’t done any schoolwork for the past three days? Capri, god. We’re graduating this year- that’s not gonna help.” You put down your half-eaten burger.

“I was caught up until three days ago. I got pissed off over nothing because I started my period. But hey, I feel better now so I’ll get back to it tomorrow.”

“Today.” You said.

“Alright, fine.” Capri threw her hands up in mock defeat. She then grabbed her can of soda and tried to open it with one hand. Obviously, she couldn’t but she still didn’t want to ask you for help.

“Need some help?” You ask.

She sulks, “Yeah. God, I hate this.”

“You’re okay- I got you.” You smiled, handing her the can back then you resumed eating your burger, “It’s been what, 9 days? Take it easy, babe. Enjoy having other people help you do stuff.”

Capri snorts, taking a sip of her beverage, “I think you’re enjoying me being high on pain meds too much.”

“Hey, I have not said that.” You gasped, “Every time I come over, you’re the one giving me a surprise with this whole golden retriever energy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She guffaws, “I really- I really act that different? Damn.”

“You can’t tell, but yeah.” You told her, pushing your now empty plate aside.

“Eh, whatever.” She shrugs, “This is great. You may be an even better cook than my Mom, baby.”

“Aren’t you sweet?” You chuckled, “Thanks, babe.”

“So I’ve been told.” She beamed brightly, taking the last bite of her food.

“Is it?” You teased.

“Yeah, by you.” She glares at you, eyebrows raised for a second. You could not take her seriously like that. Anyway, after you washed the dishes, you decided to help Capri with her schoolwork. The result? You found out the limit of your patience. And it was not very high. “Capri, come on. You know this. You tutored me on this when I was out of school that week.”

“I can’t.” She answers in a singsongy tone, “I tried. I’m still fucking high right now, baby.” Capri rests her chin on folded arms, doodling on the paper with a pencil. She had a point. Maybe schoolwork wasn’t a priority right now since she couldn’t focus at all. It’s not like she was severely behind on the work.

“Are you okay?” You scooted closer to her, shutting the school books and stacking them together.

“I’m high.” She stated, still doodling. “I can’t do anything while I’m high, because I don’t remember a single thing I learnt in school.”

Next thing you knew, she was on the verge of tears. These damn pills and their side effects.

“Capri. Everything’s okay, don’t worry.” You rubbed her arm comfortingly.

“I know, I just feel like shit because of the meds sometimes- like why do they do that?” Capri huffs, “Can I tell you something?”

“Yeah, honey - anything.”

“Sometimes…I feel like I’m not good enough for you?” She reveals, “Like- I dunno, I was mean for so long, almost died and expected people to help me just ‘cause? How I even got you as my girlfriend keeps me awake at night sometimes because I really just…got lucky. You’re so nice, so smart. And even when I was a bitch to Darby.”

“Capri, I don’t care about the past. You’ve changed a lot in such a short period of time - for the better and I’m so proud of you for that. The Capri I got to know has been sweet all along. You were just a kid being a little shit sometimes- though as a kid myself some years ago, that hurt. You gave my box of Barbies terrible haircuts, so what? But I don’t play with them anymore, that doesn’t bother me anymore. You made up with Darby, things are okay again. Because life moves fast and things change. I’ve got other things to focus on. We all do. And right now, things might suck a bit because you’re injured, and you’ve got every right to be upset. But move forward from that. Life’s too short, baby.”

Capri looks at you with glossy eyes, her chin still rested on her folded arms. She pushes the piece of paper towards you. There was a bunch of hearts on it.

You smiled, “You see? This. This is what I love- the little things you do for me. Remembering what I love to order at different places, my favourite snacks, candies, writing me little notes on the mirror when I shower, you watching my favourite shows with me. The daily mundane things. You know me, Capri- so well and we haven’t even been together that long. And I am just so in love with you, Capri. You’re perfect the way you are and perfect for me. I don’t care how many bad days you have, I’ll be right there with you no matter what.”

A small smile tugs at the corner of her lips, “I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.” Your smile mirrors hers.

“Will you cuddle with me?” She asks quietly. You agreed in a heartbeat, leading her over to the couch. You helped her sit down carefully before you sat down yourself. Wrapping your arms around her, she lays her head on your chest, cautiously manoeuvring her legs to be fully on the couch. Absentmindedly, you were tracing random shapes on her arm with your fingers as you simply enjoyed her company.

“I think Charmed’s on now, you wanna watch?” Capri broke the silence quickly. You looked down at her and grinned, “You know that?”

She puckers up her lips for a kiss which you gladly gave her, “I remember.”

[web-spur]

Update, as promised!

It was a simple plan: sneak in through the ventilation at night, find the room that reads J-E on the 10th floor, and figure out what Oscorp is doing with the strange substance from the meteor crash. (Lookin' back on it, I should've done more pre-plannin')

After sneakin' into room J-E, I began to look around. Lo and behold, some poor scientist forgot to put up a cylindrical container(of said substance). I also found some research papers that I'm yet to read through, I plan on doin' that in the mornin'. I bumped into a desk when I wasn't payin' attention and it teetered off. I tried to catch it with a web, but it shattered on the ground(incredible casing design, Oscorp /s). A guy peeked 'round the corner and called for security. I'd rather not get into a fight on a stealth mission, so I fled back into the vents.

I swung home, through the cold(ehh, if anybody has any tips for suits made for winter weather, I'm all ears!), and got ready for bed. That was enough adventure for me. I put my suit up, thought I saw somethin' move on it but wasn't too sure. I woke up this mornin' and pulled up my laptop while I ate breakfast, did my mornin' routine, schoolwork, then got prepared for an afternoon patrol. My suit had CHANGED???? It's black and white with blue accents now, I had no clue what happened until I looked at what my Mom was watchin' on TV. Well, I can add thievery to my list of crimes. Oscorp reported the substance stolen and, of course, I'm blamed for it. Whatever it is, it's bonded itself to my suit and changed my webbing to black too. I felt stronger when I took it for a spin, lots of energy to help 'round NYC. I can't return it to Oscorp and I feel a lot better usin' it. Things are lookin' up from here!

TL;DR: Attempt to break into Oscorp goes sideways, I have a new suit.

[fluffydice]

Fun fact Kubouysu has ADHD he told me himself.

Anyways, Kuboyasu with ADHD headcanons because I’m in a mood about my own ADHD

- Stims sometimes with a swear because I do that and it’s oddly fitting and also terrible.

- He used to close and open the top of his spray cans all the time.

- Obviously, in his new life, the first is no longer appropriate for everyday interactions, and the second isn’t really an option anymore. For a while he finds himself breaking pencils, pens, etc, until he figures out a replacement for that stim, but the first is harder to figure out.

- His ADHD gets ‘worse’ when he finally starts trying in school. In actuality, school isn’t built for kids with disabilities and it’s agony for Kuboyasu to sit through school all day.

- He’s very emotional and has trouble regulating these emotions. He was trained when he was young to transfer sadness into anger, but now that it’s not okay for him to do that anymore he finds himself expressing his sadness and tearing up more often. This often just pisses him off, bringing it back to square one.

- He’s frustrated with school because he can’t seem to just sit still and pay attention. He’s frustrated with himself because he seems like such a big crybaby now. He also just…misses his old friends. He misses his old life, because there are so many new sensations in this one he isn’t used to.

- Kuboyasu is used to loud noises. What drives him crazy now is the sound of pencils writing and papers rustling.

- As he gets more stressed out over time, he gets more sensitive to stimulus, and his emotions are getting harder and harder to regulate. One day it’s just too much, and Matsuzaki finds him skipping school behind the building, teary-eyed with bloody knuckles from punching the wall to try and calm down.

- It gets better from there. Kuboyasu stays after school with Matsuzaki in his office to catch up on schoolwork and to begin cooling down from the stress of the day. Kuboyasu gets most of his work done during this time because he knows very little will get done without someone keeping him focused.

- Kuboyasu also goes there whenever he begins to get overstimulated.

- Sometimes, to help him burn energy, Matsuzaki will give him drills to do. Kuboyasu greatly enjoys these. He also gives him little jobs to do, like helping him carry things to other classrooms or setting up for gym. The simple tasks help Kuboyasu reset.

I could go on more, but if I do it’ll be in a reblog :)

[criesinmultifandommess]

A Dragon's Greatest Treasure

sorry for disappearing! i got caught up in schoolwork and yeah :D i started writing this quite a while ago, maybe a couple months back? idk but the second paragraph was going to be followed by an in-depth description of all the parents seeing their kids start acting up, but im too sad about the current arc CUCURUCHO GIVE THE KIDS BACK YOU MONSTER!!!! anyway enjoy :)

There was no warning for what would happen. There was no announcement from the Federation, no appearance from the Binary Code or Cucurucho. It was just a normal day for the residents of Quesadilla Island. Until everyone’s kids started acting…strangely.

No one was prepared for dragon puberty.

In the group chat between all the parents, Cellbit messages them all to come to the adoption center, mentioning that he has information about the sudden changes to their children. A few moments later, the center is flooded with people. Everyone immediately begins crowding around Cellbit, concerned and anxious. 

“Quiet, please, everyone! Silêncio, por favor.” The Brazilian begins shouting over the commotion. As the residents begin to settle, Cellbit finally begins speaking. “Okay, thank you. I know that all of our kids have started doing some weird stuff lately. Mostre a eles, Richas.”

On cue, Richarlyson jumps and hovers in mid-air for several seconds. 

“Yeah! He accidentally jumped into a hole near the Copacabana, but he did not fall down right away.” Forever comments, Richarlyson nodding along.

“Really? Pomme hasn’t done that, but she has—”

Baghera is cut off when purple sparks begin appearing around Pomme, before she vanishes into thin air. Everyone but the French residents begin panicking, beginning to look around for the missing girl. She pops back into view a few feet away from where she disappeared, violet sparkles eventually fading away.

“She disappears like that.” Baghera lets out a tired sigh. “The first time it happened, we looked around for a few minutes, but she appeared right back where she disappeared.”

“When Baghera messaged us saying that she disappeared, I thought it was the Federation or the Code attacking.” Etoiles shakes his head, frowning. “I would have showed them my Code Breaker sword.”

“Oh, well, nothing that exciting has happened to Ramón. He’s just been really hyper, which isn’t like him at all. There he goes.”

Right as Fit finishes speaking, his son begins twitching and starts racing around the room with incredible speed. Eventually, everyone stops watching him once it becomes apparent he’s not going to stop for a while.

“Chayanne can apparently breathe fire now,” Phil laughs and gestures at his kid. In response, Chayanne lets out a little burst of flame, not enough to harm anyone, but it does cause those around him to jump away in surprise.

“Wait, that’s so cool! Leo, can you do that?” They shake their head, and Foolish’s shoulders drop slightly. “Oh, that’s fine. Well, Leo does this.”

Foolish pulls out a piece of gold from his backpack, but instead of just Leo, all of the kids lunge for the nugget immediately. The parents pull their respective child back, but not before the young dragons begin hissing and clawing at each other. 

“Oh my gosh, Dapper, stop it! He started hissing at me too!” Bad says while wrangling with his son. Once they’re all under control, he turns to Cellbit. “So, they all do some things, but some of the kids have special quirks? What’s going on?”

“Pare, Richas! Okay. I was looking around for some kind of explanation, and when I came here, I found this book called ‘The Early Stages of a Dragon’. I will read it.” Cellbit clears his throat. 

“During the early stages of a newly hatched dragon, they do not exhibit any traits of an adult dragon. However, when they reach the age of one, they begin to showcase these traits during a period called the first growth period. These traits include fire breathing, beginning to fly, small instances of dragon magic, bursts of random energy, a tendency to hoard valuables, and becoming physical through biting, scratching, and hissing. Young dragons will experience a week of showcasing these traits, before eventually regaining control and calming down.”

With that, Cellbit closes the book. “That’s it. There’s two other growth periods, but it says it won’t happen for a while, so we should be fine.”

“Does this mean all the eggs are going to start disappearing?”

“And breathing fire?” 

The adults start muttering worriedly, and Cellbit raises a hand to quiet everyone again. “They may, or they may not. But we should all be safe and start carrying around water buckets.”

“And maybe don’t take out shiny things.” Bad turns to Foolish and sighs. “You’re going to have to start covering yourself up, Foolish, I’m sorry.”

“What? That’s crazy.”

Slowly, the tension in the room fades away as they all start cracking jokes. Some break off into groups, but never stray too far to keep an eye on the kids. The children play with each other, parents making sure to keep their kids’ aggression levels low and stepping in if one starts growling. It’s a peaceful kind of chaos. Life on the island may never be the same again, but at least they have each other.

Right?

[josiebelladonna]

today’s national coming out day, huh?

okay.

okay, cut the bullshit. i don’t believe leftist spaces for one fucking second that any of you are going to be supportive. i’m not an idiot, either, so may i suggest that all of you sending out these posts declaring that you love me and support me in this “difficult and exciting and wonderful journey” save your breath because i bet none of you can remember the last time you sat down and read a book.

i… think? i still don’t know for certain but i believe i’m aromantic. i’ve just never been interested in romance or romantic relationships. i always just was focused on doing my schoolwork and the things that interested me. i didn’t give a shit about going out with people when i was in school, and it always made me feel so alien, too. i could never answer if i liked anyone: a lot of it also had/still has to do with taste, too. the boys i went to school with didn’t do anything for me and girls for the most part hated me so it wasn’t like i could explore that side of my sexuality even if i wanted to.

as i got older and went to college (and before i started going through the proverbial dying process that is depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder), i went out on my very first date. needless to say, it did not go well. i felt very… i want to say “out of place” with the guy. he was bit of a geek—well, this is a tech school we’re talking about, geeks and dweebs are a dime a dozen—whereas i’ve been fully aware of this abrasiveness to my personality. the hard edge to my soft face. i think it was about halfway through when i realized he was talking down to me and didn’t think of me all that highly (and now you know my hang-up and serious problem with anyone who calls themselves a “geek”, too). to rub it in, a week later, he had a girlfriend.

i dated another guy a couple years later, though we didn’t consider it as that. at first, anyway. in hindsight, it most definitely was. i spent thanksgiving weekend with him. we saw pearl jam together. we went bowling together. we talked for a while longer and then life caught up with the both of us (read: he found someone else and i suffered a nervous breakdown).

i wouldn’t date anyone again for five years until my stepdad fixed me up with this one guy my age. he never admitted it but he was definitely fixing me up, though. i only tried it out because i got a free lunch out of it.

one thing these have all had in common is—not so much their level of intelligence and certified “nerdiness” because i’ve long been attracted to intelligence and it’s only gotten stronger as time goes on—this feeling that they didn’t know what to do with me. i’m a rebel by nature. i’ve always been mischievous and rebellious: it was subtle in my teen years but it was there. i refused to date anyone because i wasn’t attracted to anyone but at the same time, i didn’t know how to put this feeling into words. i refused to be a part of the proverbial “market” and nourish myself instead. i’m also a very physical person: i exercise every day. i learn so much more (and much better) when i use my hands. i’ve always had a shitload of energy. with the high physicality comes a high level of sensuality (look at this year’s kinktober in case you wanted proof: 3k+ word one shot in a sea of 500-word drabbles written by people missing 95% of their brains because none of them read).

as for my sexuality… i’ve thrown labels at myself but i have never felt good about them, though. if anything, it always feels like they’re choking me. i can say for sure that i’m not ace because i actually have more appetite than i know what to do with. but then there’s the reams of judgment i feel about my kinks in particular. the judgment i feel about liking girls as well as boys. feeling like i’m a bad bisexual/pansexual because i really love men. feeling like i’m a bad person because i love men. feeling like i’m a bad person because i like to flirt. feeling like i’m a bad person because i like to cross lines and piss off people in the fanfic tags and make art that is incomprehensible. feeling like i’m a freak because i’m about a thousand times more comfortable with oral sex and using your hands than *insert penis into vagina* that seems to be everyone’s kink anymore.

i have an obsessive personality and this has gotten me into more trouble than i ever want to think about. the frowns. the scolding. the scoffs. the side-eyes. the eye rolls. the word “delusional” thrown my way. the isolation. the ostracism. the shame. the coddling and the implication that i’m an idiot. the implication that i’m not needed or wanted or that i’m some sort of freak because i had a crush on ben shepherd and i didn’t know how to say it to him, or that i have a crush on alex skolnick and i’m afraid of saying it to him. i only get more agnostic when i see a conservative say they want to control my body and when a leftist brings god into the conversation about sexuality. don’t tell me what to do with my body and no one knows if god exists, dumbass.

and no. it’s not wonderful. it’s not exciting. it sure as fuck is not a “journey” because “journey” implies something positive. and to call it “difficult” is the understatement of the century. being aromantic is very lonely. not knowing how to really describe my sexuality is very lonely. this whole process has been horrifying, excruciating, debilitating, filled with tears, enraging, frustrating, isolating, overwhelming, depressing, existential, dreadful, physically painful and draining and exhausting, just the absolute worst thing. it’s been torture. nothing exciting has come out of it. nothing positive or rewarding has come out of it. if i knew, in 2019, it was going to be like this, i wouldn’t have even bothered with it.

i can’t stop it now, though. once you unlock sexual energy, there’s no going back. there’s no stopping it no matter how much grievance it gives you. there is literally no end in sight and it’s my fault. i have to live with this fucking bullshit until i drop dead.

so… as far as i’m concerned. i don’t believe anyone who says that they “love me” and they’re “thinking of me today.” because those types of people are the same people who give me bullshit for who i am. who tell me that i’m a handful and there’s something wrong with me because of it. you don’t give a shit about me. you don’t give a shit about anyone or anything other than your own neck.

happy national coming out day. hope your experience is a million times better than mine.