#and the codependency of the rest of the bat family

[gaywineauntsstuff]

See one of my favorite things about fanon is that Dick is like a normal dude outside of nightwing like genuinely he’s normal person who isn’t that extreme canonically. He loves his family but he needs space with them and doesn’t want to be a carbon copy of his father.

He follows Bruce is moral compass while also being more lenient on some crimes. He canonically values life and protecting the sanctity over it than actually stopping crime and has a very strong moral compass that exceeds “well it’s the law”. Dick canonically thinks that Corrupt police officials are worse than criminals and became a cop to weed them out the same way he did the mob. And has bad blood with the BPD despite working for them.

He has genuine reservations about trusting Jason for obvious reasons even if you don’t like Dicks run as Batman where Jason was flat out the worst or like stealing the Nightwing suit in New York in brothers and blood. While still being able to work with and like him.

He is supportive of Tim while still being frustrated at taking on more work bc he knows Tim does too much and will need help.

He loves Damian but steps away from that relationship because unlike Bruce at his age he’s emotionally mature enough to realize he cannot be a parent for the kid. A role model sure! A big sibling, yeah. But not a parent.

He didn’t want Steph as spoiler, Robin or batgirl bc she wasn’t well trained but neither did literally anyone else. Once she and him started working together they had a decent relationship.

Dick and Cass have a strong relationship and he helped Babs with her when Bruce was being an asshole while still not stepping into a parent role bc he’s in his mid 20s and not going to do that actually.

And Dick believes Duke is going to become a big leader in the hero world and sees his potential despite not agreeing with the we are Robin thing.

And the fanon goes 1 of 3 ways

he’s fully uninvolved, doesn’t like the bats, has cut them off after trying to send Tim to Arkham, and abusing/ mistreating or co-signing the mistreatment of Jason. All his relationships with everyone except Damian have been erased. He ruined Tim’s trust, hated young!jason, has never spoken to Steph or duke and Cass doesn’t like him because she’s on babs side or in Hong Kong.

Or

Literally Bruce Wayne’s lapdog, says yes to everything with the worst case of battered women’s syndrome you’ve ever seen. Jason must stand up for him and protect him from the big bad bat/ the bats cut him off aswell after abandoning the bat movement (more rare but I’ve seen it). He doesn’t have critical thinking and his morals are identical to Batman’s and he refuses to question them. Will call the police on a homeless man stealing food bc it’s illegal. And has never tried to rehabilitate anyone including his friends, abandoned Roy and Kory bc of moral differences. He’s still a cop and doesn’t understand the nuance that Jason, Tim, Steph and Duke do.

Or

Dumb himbo, doesn’t know nothing except smile and nod. Pretty face, no brain. Has had one thought and it’s the fact he misses his siblings and needs his cereal oh wait was that two thoughts? He forgot how to count lmao. Babs or Tim will roll their eyes and do stuff for him bc he’s so dumb and sweet like a puppy who has had a lobotomy. :( doesn’t even have a college degree dumb silly teehee. Worst liar you’ve ever met everyone can see right through him hehe. He’s loves Bruce and calls him Dad 24/7 and uses nicknames for everyone.

And like it’s total flanderization

He has some of these traits sure, (more rigid moral compass, more willing to work with other heroes and delegate though this one literally only became a thing during Tom kings run and maybe a little bit after Donna died, in the current canon he went to Uni for business and dropped out, he’s not as good on the tech side as oracle)

But they’re just so exaggerated and I firmly believe it’s bc the rest of the bats are so extra. Like Tim trying to clone his dead bestie 99 times.

Jason goodness gracious I’ve been bamboozled let me try and kill the penguin on live tv

Damian my mother literally tore my spine out

. Duke let’s start a cult that’s something that isn’t dumb and won’t get us murdered.

And Dick is just there like… yeah fuck okay.

Like he’s still unhinged even for a superhero but he’s just objectively more hinged than all of his siblings like you’re telling me if TIM got the talon ancestry storyline shit wouldn’t have hit the fan??? The mother fucker who at age like 13 broke in Nightwing and starfire’s house, memorized all their schedules bc he’s the most insane stalker you’ve ever met. You’re lying and we both know it.

And everyone thinks their fave is the sane won and you are all just wrong I fear. I have already slandered Tim so I’ll do the rest for funsies

“Oh babs is the only sane one”

Bby Barbara is such a stalker with a need for control someone stole her tech and turned Gotham into a police state. If she decided that she wanted to go dictator she has a WHOLE setup for it. She’s also unhinged

“Jason just needs to get away from the bats then he’s the only sane one who the others go to for protection”

Yall Jason’s 2 biggest teams were

An Amazon, and a kryptonian

An arrow and an alien (also some times an Amazon)

So the league big three knock off and a titans knock off

He has also slept with his dad’s ex and 2 of his brother’s exes. Let’s not pretend that he’s being dragged back into the bat family, bro never left.

He wears a bat on his chest

He has a helmet with explosives in it… when he died in an explosion and fought with a crowbar when it was one of the major reasons he died. Let’s not talk about his whole thing with scarlet but the Morrison run had some weird characterization.

“Damian-“ no actually you can’t even start with Mr let’s go to Lazarus island. Let me adopt a giant bat monster bc my abusive childhood means I slaughtered his entire race. No actually I will not allow it. The fucker is unhinged and I love him.

“Steph” - you know what she is also my fave so everything she has ever done is justified and she has the best batgirl run and also her and Damian are hilarious. (She’s also the best female bat hands down I prefer her to both Cass and Babs for so many reasons I will not get into)

In summary this isn’t actually a criticism I find it hilarious plz keep going my darling fanon fanfic writers

[sanguineterrain]

angel of small death | jason todd

Summary: You can't remember what it was like to be human. Until Jason returns. Now, he's the only thing tethering you to this world. And you won't let anything happen to him.

Pairing: Jason Todd x shadow monster!gn!reader

Word count: 2.4k

Warnings/tags: monster!reader, canon-typical violence, codependency, reader attacks Batman, reader accidentally hurts Jason, stalking, suicidal thoughts, crying, hurt/comfort, somewhat happy ending.

A/N: I wrote this in a day so if there are any grammar mistakes please feel free to lmk!

the divider

You feel it when Jason returns. 

No one else seems to. The Bat (his… family?) doesn’t sense anything is different, but you do. 

And just as quickly as you feel him, he’s lost. His grave is empty. You scour Gotham for him, his body, anything. But he’s gone. Stolen. 

If you were more powerful, free from this wretched body, you would find him. Hunt down whoever took him, then bring him back to Gotham, so he might rest. 

For a short day, your limbs had felt like flesh. The void that is your mouth had smiled. You were human again. 

Jason is lost. You scream in mourning. 

He’s back. 

You’re awake.

“Go through the side!”

Hood’s men scramble to obey, armed and ready. They’ve planned this ambush for three and a half weeks. Black Mask made himself scarce after Hood made it clear he wouldn’t leave him alone. You watched in pride and worry as Jason threw himself into his revenge. 

He’s stronger than in your memory. He’s big, bigger than most opponents. Bigger than the Bat. He’s good with a weapon. Good in combat. Scarred all over. Brutal. 

But he’s angry and hurt, and he’s human. He may have the Pit inside of him, but he is no monster. You would know.

The Bat is hunting him. You will tear him apart, if necessary. You will tear apart anyone who hurts Jason. 

You slip through the shadows, letting your limbs stretch as long as they can. They make awful shrieking noises when you stretch too far, and it makes the men below nervous. 

One of Jason’s men looks right at you. You look back. He gasps and runs back to the van.

These men are loyal but they’re nowhere near strong enough to protect Jason. You’d prefer to eat them all, but Jason seems to trust them. So you gut a lackey in a clown mask and silently remain on the highest balcony across the street from Black Mask’s lair.

Once, you permitted yourself to watch Jason in his apartment, in his bed, while he slept. He cried through a nightmare. You tried to chase the nightmare away, but you’d only made it worse. He awakened, sweating and gasping, and screamed as soon as he saw you.

You haven’t revealed yourself since. 

You are lonely. You want to die. You’ve wanted to die for a long time. 

But you won’t. Not before you see Jason home safe.

Automatic gunfire echoes from the lair. You rush to the unlit side of the building. You peer in through the window. 

It’s mostly Black Mask’s men on the floor, bleeding. You slip inside to eat the death. 

“The fuck is that?!”

You look up just as three bullets pass through you. You scowl at the offending gunman, who drops his gun and runs. Rude. 

You wouldn’t normally enter like this, make your presence so obvious. If someone were looking for you, they could easily track you after tonight.

But nothing matters except Jason. 

There’s shouting outside. You soar to the ceiling and through the skylight. 

“Shit, shit, fuck! Boss! Boss, you alright?”

“Shut the fuck up, Garett,” Jason says, helmeted head lolling against the brick. Three of his men crowd him.

You speed to the shadow, carefully avoiding the light casted by the overhead streetlight. You’ve stepped in one before and the fluorescent lights sting.

Jason is bleeding from his gut, where his armor separates to allow movement. 

You creep closer. If you still had a heart, it would beat fast. You remember how it felt. You don’t feel fear often these days, but now you know for sure that it was never gone.

You scream.

The streetlight shatters. Jason and his men cover their ears, shouting in pain. His men start to bleed from their ears. It doesn’t take much for you to strike them down, knock them into a fitful slumber.

“Who’s there?”

Jason immediately pulls out his gun, despite his injury. You try to stay on his side, so he won’t have to see your yellow, bottomless eyes. You’d close your eyes if you weren’t so afraid of hurting Jason further.

“I ain’t scared of you!” he says, and you’d be inclined to believe him if your teeth weren’t peeking out at the scent of his fear.

You swallow and focus on his injury. You stretch your fingers to two thin points. Then you reach into his stomach and pull out the bullet.

Jason yells in pain and fires. You ignore it and keep going. 

“Sssssss-sssor–ry,” you rasp.

Jason turns his head and looks right at you. He panics, trying to squirm away. You quickly hold him down so your fingers won’t rip through his intestine.

“Let go a’me! Let go!” 

He fires until the cartridge is empty. You are crying. 

“Sss-sssor-sssorry.” Then you sear Jason’s wound closed. 

That’s when he passes out, the pain overwhelming him. Black tears run down your face and join the dark. 

As soon as the wound is cauterized, you slink to the darkest corner of the city, inside an abandoned warehouse. 

You let yourself grow into your full form, showing your claws and exposed tendons and the hole in your chest.

Then you cry, cry, cry. The windows explode, the bricks become dust, and still, you cry into the rubble. You cry until morning.

You can’t stop.

You should. You’re fearsome and ugly and Jason is already entrenched in grief. You’ll only make him worse.

But after the ambush, you can’t rest. You have tried to return to the dirt, to where you had lain for so long. You swim to the bottom of the ocean and try to sleep with the creatures there. That doesn’t work either. 

So you follow Jason instead. You follow him every night on patrol. You snipe anyone who gets too close, intending to harm. Jason returns home with a full magazine, most nights. You know he should take care of his adversaries on his own to keep in practice, but you throw up iridescent black oil when you try to let go and not protect him. 

“I know you’re there.”

You’re crouched on an apartment’s fire escape two stories above. Jason has stopped. He’s been frozen for several minutes. 

You look around, trying to find who Jason sees. But the alley is empty. 

“I know…” Jason takes a shaky breath. “I know you’re there. I feel ya watchin’ me.”

Then he takes off his helmet and tosses it aside. He takes off his holsters and removes his knives and tasers and drops those next to his helmet.

You crawl on all fours down the apartment building, claws scraping the brick. You can smell his fear from here. 

You rattle a loose screw at the end of your climb. Jason turns in your direction. He gasps, eyes wide. 

You freeze. Neither of you move for a long minute.

“You’ve been followin’ me,” he says. 

You nod. You’re not sure if he can see you in the dark.

“Who—what are you?”

You crawl closer. Jason wants to move away, you can tell, but he doesn’t.

On your hands, you come up to his head. You wish you could make yourself smaller.

Jason swallows hard, chest rising and falling quickly.

You’re not good at speaking. You used to be. Used to have all the words. Now they’re gone. Your tongue is too big for your mouth.

“I feel… shit, I feel like I know ya,” he says. “You know me?”

“Rrrrrrrob–rrobiiii—robiiiiin.”

He inhales sharply. “Yeah. You knew me then?”

You reach for him. Careful. So careful. You use the blunt side of your claw to touch Jason’s scarred cheek. He’s so warm. So full of light. 

He steps back. Your hand falls. 

You start to cry. You can’t help it. 

Your claws dig into the pavement, tearing through asphalt. 

“Waaaan–wantttttt. Tttt. Jaaaayy. WAN—TTTT. WA—JAY. WANNN—”

You try to speak softly, but it comes out like a shriek. Jason grunts in pain, covering his ears. Red seeps through his fingers. 

You stumble backwards at the sight. You must go. You must try again and see if the ocean will take you.

“Wait! Wait, wait!”

Jason runs around, holding up his hands in front of you. You stop, black tears pooling into a puddle at his feet.

“It’s okay. It’s alright. I know you.”

You want to speak but you’ll hurt him if you do. So you cry in silence. Jason waits.

“‘S okay,” he says again. “You didn’t do it on purpose. Shh, shh. Don’t cry.”

His fear is lessened. Not gone, but not grown. 

“Hey,” he says softly. “Hey, honey.”

The tears keep falling. Jason keeps waiting. 

“‘Course I remember ya,” he says, and pets you where your cheek should be. “How could I forget you?”

You moan quietly. It doesn’t hurt Jason this time.

The night that the Bat finds Jason brings a thunderstorm with it.

You’ve followed Jason for weeks now. He’s no longer afraid when he catches glimpses of your endless mouth and shapeless eyes. Sometimes, on patrol, you get nervous. When you’re too close to people, to noise, you get restless. You want to run, but you can’t, because Jason will be alone. And so will you. 

Jason has begun to hum when you get nervous. You get closer when he does, looming over him, but he no longer smells like fear.

“Y’smell like peaches, y’know that?” he’d said a few weeks ago. 

You’d just pitched your head lower to show you were listening. 

“Yeah,” Jason had said. “Like peach pie. I was so confused the night you removed the bullet. Craved peach pie for days. Ain’t that the weirdest shit you’ve ever heard?”

Honestly, yes. After everything, that is definitely the weird part.

“Gooo—g-g…” You’d swallowed, frustrated. Jason had hummed.

“‘S okay,” he’d said. “‘M listening. Take your time.”

So you’d tried again. “G-good?” 

“Yeah, honey. Oh, yeah. So good. You’re so good.”

That hadn’t been what you meant. But you’d gotten the feeling Jason knew what you were asking and decided to answer another question anyway.

It’s pouring tonight. The rain doesn’t bother you, but if lightning starts, you may have to retire for tonight. 

That’s only in an extreme circumstance, however. For now, you’re right there with Jason. 

“Shit, ‘s really comin’ down, huh!” Jason shouts over the rain. 

He swings to a rooftop and almost slips on water. You rush to him, but he holds up a hand, laughing.

“‘M fine, ‘m fine. I gotta finish the southside. You can dip if you want.”

You don’t respond. Jason sighs.

“Alright, fine. C’mon.”

You’re two blocks into the southside when a dark blob lands in front of Jason. You stay hidden, eyes sharp. 

The blob is a man. The Bat. 

“Jason,” Batman says. Jason stiffens.

You feel a screech working its way out, but you stop it for Jason’s sake. You will intervene if he needs help.

Both of their fear levels have shot up. 

The Bat steps forward. “You lied to me, Jason. I can’t believe it’s you going around Gotham killing—”

“Oh, you can’t?” Jason spits. “You can’t believe your little bird that’s back from the dead is angry that no one fuckin’ cleaned up this city? The clown is still alive, Bruce!”

Thunder cracks the sky. You stay silent, keeping your grip on the side of the building light. You’d offered to kill the Joker for Jason. Ki–lllll clo–own? K–ill?

But Jason had told you no. Had said that it wasn’t your responsibility. So you’d refrained. 

The Bat is quiet for a moment. Then, “I’m sorry, Jason. I know you’re upset, but—”

“Fuck you. I don’t wanna hear your attempts at peacemaking. I’m not gonna stop no matter what you say.”

“Jason,” the Bat says. “You have to stop killing.”

“The only way I’m gonna stop is if you kill me.”

You scramble down as soon as you hear armor clash. A batarang strikes Jason’s chestplate. Jason’s increasingly aggressive, forcing the Bat to defend himself harder. 

Thunder strikes again. Jason knows all of the Bat’s weak points. And while the Bat is distracted, it doesn’t stop him from fighting well.

The moment the Bat draws blood, you stalk out of hiding and howl.

Three streetlights explode as you grow to your full, terrifying size. Both the Bat and Jason cover their ears. You slam the Bat down on the ground, claws shredding his cape and suit. You’re furious. You will kill.

One of your claws punctures the Bat’s thigh. He shouts in pain. You’ll tear him apart for making Jason bleed.

Rain beats down on you. You heave over the Bat, shaking with fury. 

“Stop! Fuck, fuck. Stop it!”

Jason pulls at your arm, which is nearly the size of his entire body. His helmet is cracked, his exposed eye bloodshot. That rekindles your anger, but Jason quickly intercepts. 

“Stop, please. It’s okay. I’m okay. Don’t kill him, please. Don’t kill.”

“Miiiiii—m—miiii-ine. Mine.”

Jason nods. He pulls off his helmet and tosses it. 

“Yeah, yeah, I am. I’m yours. He’s not gonna take me away from ya. He wouldn’t kill me.”

The Bat coughs, spitting blood. “N-never.”

"Mine," you say, tremulous, blood under your claws. "My Robin."

Jason shakes you. "Yours. I'm yours. C’mon, peach. C’mon, love.”

It would be so easy to end it now. End you and the Bat. And you would do it if you didn’t think it would end Jason too.

His fear is high. You pull your claw out of the Bat, who groans. You let Jason lead you away. He holds your darkness.

“Scaaaar—sc-ared. Scare-d?”

“Yeah,” Jason admits. “Little bit.”

You close your eyes. “Ba-ad.”

“No, honey. You’re not bad. You’re scared.”

You dig your claws into the roof, cracking the concrete. You let yourself shrink, so Jason can wrap his arms around your neck. You don’t trust yourself enough to touch him back. 

He’s crying. Jason is crying.

You pull back a little, so you can see his face. 

“Cr-y,” you say, feeling like weeping yourself. “Cry cr-y c-ry.”

You want to say so much more, but you can’t. Your words are gone. You know Jason doesn’t judge you for that, but you need to tell him. Tell him how you feel.

You lick Jason’s cheeks. They taste like salt and rainwater. You lick more. Lick until he stops crying.

“Son,” the Bat says behind you. 

“‘S okay, B,” Jason says. 

Rain drips down his face and suit. He’s beginning to shiver. You try to shield him as best as you can. 

“We’re okay,” Jason says, this time just to you.

“Sc-scaare—”

“No, no. Hey, peach. ‘M not scared. Y’hear me?”

You slowly drape your arms over Jason’s back. He strokes your wrist that droops and stretches unnaturally. 

“Yeah. You know me. I’ve never been afraid of the dark.”

[brucewaynehater101]

In the scenario of Bruce arriving after some years, could you expand more about the good and bad scenario? Also, in the bad scenario what would Tim and Jason do. Would they pick a side?

I've linked the post to this ask for anyone new to it! For those who don't want to click on it, the concept is what would happen if, because Tim never found the portrait or something, Bruce safely spent a bit more time away in the timestream?

Regardless, I'd be happy to expand on it a bit more! There's a multitude of ways that Bruce could react to all of this, and it really depends on how someone hcs Bruce (canon has various versions of him). Feel free to choose whatever route you think is best.

So, when Bruce comes back after a few years, the family would have learned how to operate without him. He's simply not needed. He's wanted, he's loved, but he's used to being the center of the family. He's used to being the patriarch and deciding factor. He's used to calling the final shots.

When he comes back, Tim and Damian don't need him. By that point, Tim would be a legal adult almost in his twenties. Damian is used to deferring to Dick and Alfred for parenting and rules. Tim and Bruce would get into many arguments if Bruce tried to parent and restrict Tim. It would be similar to the 17 year-old Dick and Bruce, but Bruce hasn't been there the past few years (intentionally or not).

Damian and Bruce wouldn't know how to interact. Regardless of how close they were before Bruce "died," Damian has changed a lot. He's grown to accept that he doesn't need to prove himself, he doesn't need to uphold legacies, his place in the family is permanent (not based on good behavior, work, or blood), and he's loved. Despite that, Bruce coming back might dreg up those insecurities (especially depending on how Bruce treats the adoption).

In a good light, Bruce works with everyone. He spends time relearning his children, finding where they might have new boundaries, having many discussions on his role in their life, and assisting them with what they need. He doesn't enforce his expectations on them and maybe even seeks out family counseling. He would understand that time changes things and that the relationships the others have built were to support each other. As long as no unhealthy or negative relationships had developed (like codependency), then he should respect these changes and work with them to accommodate his sudden reappearance in their life. A good situation would be Bruce's appearance shaking the boat but overall making the family stronger with his connection to it.

Now... a bad scenario depends on a lot of factors and is, in my opinion, a more likely outcome. With this, we're gonna be using the more abusive comics!Bruce version.

Bruce, in this turn of events, would try to separate and damage the bond between Damian and Dick. He could do that in a multitude of ways, including emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, legal actions (anulling the adoption, restraining orders, etc.), physically separating their living situations, and assigning Dick long and distant missions. If Bruce was feeling particularly vindictive, he could punish Dick in various ways. There's subtle alienation, physical retaliation, grueling work loads, verbal abuse, etc.

This would probably be Bruce's main focus. He would also probably have issues with how the other Bats are running Gotham and how they now don't rely on him.

The way the rest of the bad scenario pans out depends on how Tim and Jason interacted up until Bruce arrived. In the other post, I mentioned that the two would either ignore/avoid each other or become close/teammates.

If they ignored each other, it would be easier for Bruce to exert control over them both. They are more independent, less supported, and less likely to reach out for help. He would have an easier time manipulating them while they are in Gotham. They would fight back, obviously, but they wouldn't have someone helping them. This could either be their downfall as they get sucked into a cycle of abuse with Bruce, or this could push them to rely on their siblings/the other Bats.

If Jason and Tim were closer or even became a team together, Bruce would be hard pressed to get them to fold. It's extremely dreadful and tiresome fighting against verbal/emotional abuse. You start to doubt yourself, your feelings, the events that occurred, your recollection, and whether you were justified. By the two of them working together, they can combat this approach by Bruce. Tim could collect evidence for whatever occurred and keep records. Jason could ensure that they met their emotional needs and enforced their boundaries. Manipulating someone alone, especially the two of them who are on the outskirts, would be easier than a team who supports each other.

Anyways, whether Tim and Jason take Bruce's side of Dick's really depends on their relationship with each other. They would support Dick, no matter their current grievances towards the man, if Tim and Jason were a vigilante team and like brothers to each other.

Also, an important note about the bad scenario is that it wouldn't play out immediately. There would be this relief and happiness that Bruce is home as he slowly tests out the boundaries until he manipulates the situation to his benefit.

Now, we could get into the other Bats too. Alfred might be on Team Bruce regardless. That would suck but it does fall in line with some of his bystander and enabler ways. Bruce has no control over Barbara, and they both know it. I like to imagine she would protect Steph and Cass to the best of her ability. She would give aid to the batboys, but she wouldn't be able to protect them as much. Cass is a toss-up on whether she would be able to protect herself against emotional manipulation by Bruce.

I'm hoping Duke is happy with his parents if this is the bad scenario. If he isn't, there could be tension because Duke didn't become a vigilante under Bruce's approval. Therefore, there would be a meta vigilante in Gotham that Bruce didn't approve of.

If this is the good scenario, dealer's choice on whether Duke's parents are fine while Duke becomes Signal prior to Bruce's return. He could be an independent vigilante the Bats provide support for without sucking him into the family.

Let me know if you want any more info, want more explanation, or you think it could go a different way!

[littlemissagrafina]

Live, Laugh, Llama

Summary: Bobby looked back over his shoulder, when he heard muffled sounds of protests and the thuds of limbs hitting limbs.

Eddie had a gloved hand shoved over Buck's mouth and Buck was pushing back at Eddie's own chin and face, the two of them scrabbling and batting at each other when Eddie's hand slipped from Buck's face.

“Stop with the llamas!” Eddie grunted, face pushed to the side by Buck's arm as they shoved at each other.

“Stop being a llama hater and I will!”

-

In which Bobby doesn't know whether or not to be concerned or just plain confused, so he settles for both.

Read on AO3

There was an air of tension around Buck and Eddie when they walked through the doors of the station, which, in and of itself, is not unusual. For years, the two men had been followed by the weight of all the moments and feelings left unsaid between them, as they spiraled around each other. They would fall away at times, before being pulled back together as if they were planets gravitating back into orbit.

So tension was not unusual between Buck and Eddie, nor had it dissipated when they finally got together. If anything, the tension had even increased at times, much to the dismay of the A shift, who all now had to deal with adoring looks and blushing grins that didn't end when they caught eyes as they stared. And although they were teased, everyone knew it was from a place of happiness.

It could be seen in the way Hen's smirk would soften to a smile when she caught them sharing a quick kiss as they changed before the start of a shift.

How Chimney would quietly leave a blanket for them when they collapsed on the couch together after a hard call, when all they needed in that moment was a quiet embrace to steady themselves with.

When Ravi stepped aside enough for Eddie to watch him check Buck’s harness, sharing a nod with the older man - an assurance that he would have Buck's back in that moment that Eddie couldn't, rather than taking the opportunity to tease them over their occasional codependency.

It was Bobby, working at the stove in the station's kitchen, who only shook his head with fond exasperation when Buck all but plastered himself to Eddie's side as he stood by the coffee machine, waiting for the fresh pot to finish brewing. Bobby had watched the couple, they all had. How could they not when they had all waited and hoped for Buck and Eddie to finally see what they were to each other. So Bobby had watched, and he'd seen the way they reigned themselves, and each other, in when it came to the affection they shared at the station and on shifts.

They had been remarkably professional, a fact that filled Bobby with pride.

Buck had come far from his fire truck stealing days, and Eddie had softened, allowing himself to be seen by not only his son and his partner but by their found family as well. Their crew and extended families had learned a lot about each other (sometimes more than they would like to at times) which is why it was easy to let them share those small moments when they needed it.

Their whole team had been “compromised” so to speak in any case, had become a family rather than just a team who worked together. They all found and needed moments together at times, after all they had been through.

So, again, tension was not unusual among Buck and Eddie, nor the rest of the team. But what was unusual was the kind of tension.

It wasn't the tension carried over after a long or hard shift, it wasn't even sexual tension, something Bobby loathed that he could even recognise from them. It was Buck, that was like seeing it from May or Harry at this point.

No, the air between the two men as they walked in before their 24h shift, the last of their team to arrive, was almost cold.

Now, the two had been upset at each other before, the argument during the lawsuit was more than enough proof of that. They'd occasionally clashed after Buck had been reckless during a call, or Eddie had tried to pull back and deal with things himself. But that was before they'd made effort through therapy, both separately and together, to have healthy communication and boundaries (as much as possible considering their intertwined work and personal lives)

Considering said efforts in healthy communication, the fact that they were snipping and muttering back and forth (without the usual lighthearted air that their banter came with, that is) as they joined everyone upstairs, was unsettling enough for Bobby to pay closer attention to them. From the corner of his eye, as he turned to watch them, he saw Hen's gaze following them as well.

With a huff, Buck veered towards the coffee machine, and Eddie dropped down into a seat at the table near Hen. Apart from greeting Hen as if everything was normal, Eddie sat quietly, drumming his fingers on the table as he leant back in the chair.

Buck, however, stirred their coffee with slightly more force than was necessary in Bobby's humble opinion. He suppressed a wince when it looked like Buck was going to drop the spoon roughly in the sink when he was done, but all the younger man did was rinse it off before setting it down.

They were good spoons, and it always bugged both Bobby (as well as Buck, Bobby knew) when they were thrown around roughly. It was irrational, they both knew that, but sue them. Or maybe don't, once was enough.

Buck moved over to the table, setting the two mugs down before pulling out the chair across from Eddie and settling into it. He picked one of the mugs up, taking a slow sip as he met Eddie's eyes. He hummed, smacking his lips.

Eddie's eyes narrowed slightly. “You gonna share one of those?”

The other mug was silently pushed across the table. “Of course I'll share. You know how I love making it for you, Sunshine.”

Bobby didn't know what was going on between the two, neither did Hen by her raised eyebrows or Chimney from where he sat on the couch, his phone forgotten in his hand where he'd more than likely been texting Maddie before getting distracted by Buck and Eddie. But what Bobby did know was the tone that Buck used when he was trying to get a reaction from Eddie, and he was using it right then.

Eddie obviously knew, too, because all he did was take the mug, shooting a sickly sweet smile and a “thank you” back at his partner. He and Buck both sat quietly, the strange silence only broken when Eddie set the mug down after draining the last sip of coffee from it, Buck still sipping at his own.

“You wanna know what's great about this blend?” Buck tilted his head, and Bobby watched as his eyes tracked Eddie as he stood, taking his mug to the sink.

Buck continued without waiting for an answer. “It tastes delicious with a bit of llama milk. It's popular in South America, did you know that? To drink llamas milk. Wouldn't you be interested in trying it, Eds?”

Chimney and Hen shared bewildered looks, and Bobby was sure his own expression mirrored theirs. Llamas milk?

Turning around, Eddie leant against the counter with his arms crossed. “As a matter of fact, I did know that. You were actually the one who told me, but thank you for the reminder, Sweetheart. And no, I'm not interested.”

Before Buck could respond and continue the odd back and forth between the two (Bobby wasn't sure if the passive aggressive exchange could be called a conversation) the alarm sounded.

Bobby didn't know whether or not to be grateful for the interruption, but as they piled into the truck he couldn't help but wonder over the interaction.

-

As it turns out, he didn't have to wonder for long because comments and facts about llamas followed them from call to call as Buck somehow found a way to relate a scene they worked at to some factoid or other about llamas.

The call where a homeowner had been attacked by her dog after she'd used the back entrance, citing the excuse of forgetting her key? Turns out, she hadn't been the homeowner and the dog had stood firm in its guard duties.

It was only after the woman's injuries had been seen too and she'd been taken away in the ambulance, police cruiser in tow behind them to deal with the criminal aspect of the call, that Buck spoke up with his first call related llama fact of the day.

“Did you know that llamas have been used as guard animals since the 80's in a lot of areas? Pretty interesting, huh?” He spoke into the headset, catching Bobby's eye and grinning at him as the truck jostled.

“Sure is, Kid.”

Eddie sighed.

-

It continued in that vein for the rest of their shift.

No matter if they were on a call or back at the station, Buck managed to sprout out some new piece of information about llamas, and it was somehow always related to whatever they were doing at the moment.

-

Llamas can live for up to 20 years. This one came after a birthday party gone wrong.

Bobby no longer wanted candles on their birthday cakes. Ever. Again.

-

When one llama is angry at another llama, they'll stick their tongue out to show exactly what they feel to the other.

Bobby wanted it to be known that preschoolers could be absolutely terrifying. He was not afraid to admit that.

Having a whole class of 5 year olds stick their tongues out at them with angry frowns when they were told (gently and very nicely, if Bobby could say so himself! And he did!) that they weren't allowed to ride in the firetruck this time, was a feeling of unnerving fear that was enough to send a shudder down his spine.

(And no, Athena, he wasn't exaggerating! He swore a few of them were looking straight at his soul. No. Athena, Athena, stop laughing. It's not funny!)

-

Llamas communicate in a lot of ways. They'll use their ears, their tails, their whole body posture, to speak to one another. But their most used form of communication was to hum.

Let's just say that things could get pretty messy when someone thinks they've been snubbed out of the lead role in a play they'd worked extremely hard at landing. And also that sequins were not to be underestimated. Ever.

Those tiny little shiny disks were dangerous things.

-

“Hen, Chimney, I want their vitals and status as soon as possible.” Bobby ordered as they all filed into the gym during their latest call.

Apparently, two idiots hyped up on steroids had decided to play at being amateur engineers and made a bench press version of Frankenstein's monster. All in an attempt to see how much weight they could lift together.

Needless to say, their horrifyingly welded weight bar, come bench press, come dumbbell contraption hadn't lasted long. The overloaded and unbalanced weight bar had all but crumbled as soon as they'd tried to lift it from the rack, leaving the two knuckleheads pinned beneath the metal and weights.

“Buck, Eddie,” Bobby continued as the two paramedics set down their med bags and knelt down as close to their respective patients as the weights and other mess of metal and bench allowed. “Get started on moving what you can that isn't currently pressing down on them or the rest of this mess. As soon as you have the all clear from Hen and Chim, I want you to get as much as possible of whatever is left, lifted and removed as safely as you can.”

The duo nodded, marching off to the other side and getting to work.

And look, Bobby had to hand it to them. Whatever it is that had been going on with them all day, with the (almost vicious at times) squabbling and the llamas, they had left behind as they got out the truck with each call they had.

He was impressed by them. But it also didn't make whatever was going on any less disconcerting. As they finished up with the gym-bozos, Buck and Eddie separating the destroyed bits of the franken-creation, and Hen and Chim loading the pair into the ambulance, Bobby secretly hoped that whatever It was, could be left behind at the scene with the scraps of metal.

He loved his team, but sometimes dealing with them was tiring. And today had been a day. He still wasn't sure whether to be outright concerned or amused by the facts and retorts fired between the couple.

Ambling back out to the truck, the ambulance already on the way to a nearby hospital (no urgent care, luckily,) Bobby had to hold back what was either a sigh or a snort. At this point he didn't know which reaction was most commonly brought out around the team, but if he had to base it solely on Buck's involvement it would probably be tied.

And, of course, Buck was the reason for it this time as well because as soon as they settled into the seats and the truck was pulling away from the curb, there came yet another llama fact. Of which there had been plenty already.

“Did you know that llamas can carry up to a third of their body weight. But if you overload them too much, they'll just lay down and refuse to move. They also–”

Bobby looked back over his shoulder, when he heard muffled sounds of protests and the thuds of limbs hitting limbs.

Eddie had a gloved hand shoved over Buck's mouth and Buck was pushing back at Eddie's own chin and face, the two of them scrabbling at each other, batting at each other when Eddie's hand slipped from Buck's face.

“Stop with the llamas!” Eddie grunted, face pushed to the side by Buck's arm as they shoved at each other.

“Stop being a llama hater and I will!”

Bobby whistled, ignoring their wince as the sharpness of the sound left feedback skittering through their headsets that were, miraculously, still balanced over their ears.

��Boys! Enough! Sit back down, leave each other alone, and we'll talk about this back at the station!” He ordered, satisfaction curling in his chest when they immediately did as told.

-

Bobby would like it to be known that he had a lot of patience.

It had been tested a lot in his life. Buck was a favourite for the first place title in that regard.

He could find humor in a lot of situations.

But sitting at the dinner table up in the loft, during a calm lull that they were all hoping would extend for the next half hour until they got off shift, he felt that this particular situation had tested both his patience and his humor.

“So let me get this straight.” He shot a look at Buck when he smirked. The younger man's mouth shut with a click.

“You two have been egging each other on and winding each other up-all shift long, might I add- because of a llama!?”

Buck sat up in his chair next to Eddie, across from Bobby. “Whoa, whoa, it's not just any llama! It's Sunshine!”

Bobby caught sight of Hen and Chim smothering their laughter where the leant against the railing of the loft behind the table and had to close his eyes to force himself not to give into his own urge to laugh at the entire situation.

“Right. Because of Sunshine. Because you want to adopt a llama. Yes, yes, sorry, Sunshine. You want to adopt Sunshine, and Eddie wouldn't let you?” He could feel a migraine starting. He'd been torn between worry and amusement all shift long, and this was the reason!? Maybe he and Athena should have gone on that cruise when they'd had the chance.

Buck huffed, crossing his arms. “Look, the petting zoo doesn't want to keep him anymore because he keeps spitting at the kids–”

Now Eddie leant forward, resting his elbows on the table. “I mean, if I had a bunch of tiny people pulling at my hair, I would too!”

“It's wool, not hair.”

He waved a hand. “Where the hell would we keep a whole ass llama, anyway, Buck!?”

“We could keep him in the yard!”

Eddie threw his head back and groaned, slumping down in his seat. “And when he gets lonely? Llamas are social animals, babe! We work too many shifts to pay him enough attention. Not to mention how much feeding it would cost!”

“Yeah, but he'll either go to some wanna be exotic pet owner, or we could take him and keep him from being mistreated by some idiot who doesn't know the first thing about llamas or how to take care of them! Besides, Chris would love it!”

Buck grinned innocently at Eddie, the grin dropping and his eyes bugging as a voice spoke out from the top of the stairs. This time, Bobby didn't even try to stop his laughter from bubbling up.

“Evan Buckley, I know I told you that you can't have that llama.” Athena arched a brow, coming to stand next to Bobby's chair.

“Thena, c'mon. Wouldn't it be so great–” Buck pleaded, recovering fast.

“No, it would not. The poor animal would not be happy or have enough space, I know you know that from all of the research I've heard that you spewed today. Besides, you, Mr, are too late. Sunshine has already been taken to a farm where he will be happy and cared for as a show llama.”

Buck slumped in his seat, dropping his head down onto Eddie's shoulder with a pout.

“I guess you're right. It would have been cool if we'd had the space and time, though.”

Eddie hummed, and Bobby smiled, feeling his chest warm when the other man lifted a hand to gently pat Buck's head.

“Maybe once Chris is settled into the school year, we can talk about a different pet. One that works for all of our schedules and doesn't need as much maintenance.”

Buck perked up immediately, his hand flying for his phone, already telling them about the different pet options that could work for them.

Bobby shook his head, lifting his gaze when Athena leant into him. He grinned at the fond eye roll from her.

His crew could sometimes drive him crazy, and he would definitely be taking some tylenol later, but he wouldn't change his family for a thing.

[hello-eden]

revere robins au

I have more ideas for my reverse Robins AU.(Most ideas are about Alex)

I have split the bat kids into groups in my head

 terry, helena, Anastasia and Carrie  - older siblings

 matt, alex, Steph and Tim -middle siblings

 duke, cass and Jason -younger siblings

 Richard and Barbara -baby siblings

The groups that I usually followed my head for who they are the closest to 

 I have somehow given Alex eldest daughter syndrome due to her ending up taking care of her younger siblings. 

Stephanie, Tim, Alex and Matt originally met due to Stephanie starting a brawl with a bully that had a lot of kids involved, they became friends in the principal's office.

Tim was taken with Stephanie by the joker but was the last one to know that she died.

Tim was still missing when Anastasia killed the Joker and when the big fight happened. He ended up being found by Alex  a few hours later. 

Alex and Matt got into a huge fight after the big fight due to Alex wanting to stay behind to look  after Tim and to not go to bludhaven with him. the fight only lasted 2 weeks before Matt caved and called Alex after a bad injury( it was not life-threatening but it did hurt badly)

Alex originally only stays at the Manor to find Tim but then realizes that Bruce is not taking care of Cass due to his grief and ends up staying there longer.

Alex went from the youngest to being the oldest in the house taking care of her younger siblings; she is still the oldest in the house when Bruce starts taking in more kids. 

Duke thinks that Alex is the oldest child until Carrie comes to the house to talk to Alex about Anastasia and the rest of her siblings.

Alex has a lot of resentment towards her Elder siblings due to them  not contacting her thinking that she was on Bruce's side. 

Tims not paralyzed in this au but he does switch between canes and his wheelchair Due to the torture that he endured. 

Alex gets into a lot of fights with Bruce due to him taking in more children but not talking to his Elder ones until Stephanie is back. She feels like she has taken care of the children more than he has for a long time And she is very much not afraid to yell at his face about it though not in front of her younger siblings. 

 Carrie runs a diner in this Au. I do not know why but it just has been something that I've had in my head since the beginning. 

All of the older children except for maybe Carrie have gone at least borderline villain though they do end up being more of a morally gray hero in the end.

Tim and Alex become codependent for a time due to them being the only person they can lean on for their grief. They can also talk to Matt but he is literally another city to get away from what happened.

 I feel like the younger siblings end up thinking that the older ones are so cool And because they didn't see what happened for them to leave they definitely don't understand what Alex Matt Steph and Tim feel about the older ones.

 I have so much angst for how Matt Alex Steph and Tim view there older siblings you do not understand the amount of angst that I have. 

 Duke is taken in barely a year after Stephanie has died and all of the older siblings are not talking to Bruce. Everyone in the family is still grieving and Duke is now thrown into a family still in morning but not able to talk about it due to Stephanie technically not being legally family. Unlike Jason's death in Canon that was very publicized Stephanie's was very much on the down low as to not Turn Stephanie into a spotlight tragedy and to not link their identities. 

 While Bruce is in the timestream all of the older siblings are fighting for the cowl. The middle siblings are taking care of the publicity and custody of the younger siblings. The younger siblings are trying to figure out if Bruce is actually dead and the baby siblings are traumatized.

[jerreeeeeee]

there's nothing inherently wrong or unhealthy with a platonic relationship being the most intimate and important in someone's life (whether that person is also in a romantic relationship or not). this has been said before but people still treat it like its true. ESPECIALLY that a prioritized platonic relationship belies “codependency” even though no one would bat an eye at the exact same dynamic if it were romantic, because of the idea that a prioritized platonic relationship is somehow immature/unhealthy and something to grow out of/move on from.

the idea that the twins just go, well, you've been the person i felt safest loving and trusting in my entire life, our souls have been bound by fate and magic and our love for one another is one of the strongest bonds in the multiverse, transcending death and unimaginable loss, the motivation behind everything we’ve ever done, but since we're both in romantic relationships now and the story is over, the reasonable and in-character thing to do would be to split up and have separate nuclear families because that's the "healthy thing" (read: expected thing). there's no other form of a domestic happy ending than a marriage and typical nuclear family. you're everything to me, my entire world, my heart, see you later.

ok this got too long i'm putting it under a readmore.

(also why i don't really like the idea that taako adopts angus. "parent" is not the only important, loving role an adult can play in a child's life but people feel that need to shove everything into a nuclear family. also taako has too much going on to be the good parent that angus needs anyway. and magnus and lucretia are right there. but this is another post <- this is actually a fan fiction i’m writing, kind of)

i just find that frankly silly. i truly believe that the twins live together for the rest of their lives and are always each others' most important person (before anyone kills me i do think barry is there too. they also both love him so much. capacity for love INCREASES there’s no need for a replacement or a “moving on” it’s an addition). there's not any reason they wouldn't live together other than that it’s not “normal?” but why would they give a shit about that. their prioritization of one another isn't the unhealthy thing about their relationship. they do have other stuff going on that's actually codependent, but i think they eventually work past it and come to have a healthier (yet no less close) relationship. actually this post was originally just supposed to be about those codependent tendencies but i felt like i needed to compensate by clarifying that there are only a very specific few things abt their dynamic i find unhealthy and that by and large they’re fine, actually.

the main thing is, as is so succinctly put in this post—they aren't able to communicate about big, important decisions. not to say they never communicate about anything, i think they actually do communicate effectively about a lot of things—warning i’m going into a complete tangent here—i see a lot an idea that they’re not siblings who hug or really verbalize affection at all which is crazy to me (<- personal opinion alert) like they’re closed off and distrusting (taako more than lup, but she’s certainly not exempt from their trauma) to other people and the world at large but they have always always been each other’s exception, each other’s utmost safe place, the one person they could be absolutely comfortable around, who they never have to be afraid of. that’s one of the things i find so compelling about them, that they trust each other with their entire selves. they have no reason to ever feel defensive around each other. oh to be known so entirely and intimately and never feel ashamed or afraid of judgement or abandonment. augh. so i do think they hug.

also—i don't think they "don't know how to be a person without each other" like that's certainly not true for lup and i don't really think it's true for taako either. they have their own distinct personalities and identities they just also both inform each others’ lives. they're an integral part of each other's identity the way your family or best friend or partner or most important person in your life is but again i think that's fine.

but back to the topic at hand anyway they DO hide their misgivings from each other when it comes to huge shit with world-changing, life-threatening consequences lol. when it comes to, like, turning herself into a lich, or leaving to recover her dangerous magical artifact, lup feels like she needs to be entirely decisive and confident for taako, and when it comes to his sister turning herself into a lich, or proposing a dangerous magical artifact plan, taako feels like he needs to be unflinchingly supportive and loyal for lup. and those both backfire obviously. because they trust each other so completely that they don't trust each other enough to not trust each other. weird paradox.

but really its not a lack of trust in each other its their own insecurities projected onto each other. lup second guesses herself but feels like she can’t express that uncertainty so she’s alone with her doubts which increases the pressure and stress and creates a feedback loop that only makes her more insecure. and taako feels like he doesn’t have anything to bring to the table other than backing up lup and is afraid doubting her would hurt her which means he never has an opportunity to find out he does actually have good ideas and that lup would listen to him constructively. but it manifests in lup “not trusting taako” to have her back even if she doubts herself and taako “not trusting lup” to take criticism even if his idea is good.

and honestly i think the solution to this just comes with… not being in those lifethreatening situations anymore. the universe was saved and they have normal (magical fantasy world) lives. so now when they’re hiding things from each other the stakes are a lot lower. and when the stakes are lower they’re able to express uncertainty because they don’t feel that extreme and terrifying pressure anymore. lup doesn’t have to make impossible decisions and stick to them despite any doubt because she doesn’t have the survival of entire worlds on her back anymore. taako doesn’t have to always agree with lup and uncritically support her every choice because he’s not the only thing holding her together from oblivion anymore. so they're able to express doubts and nothing falls apart and they're actually stronger for it. and they’re already doing so much work on fixing their relationship just from being separated and kinda grieving for a decade too, so they eventually work past that.

and also because they have to face those insecurities and their consequences. lup got trapped in umbrella limbo for a decade and taako had his life destroyed. if lup had been able to overcome her need to put everything on her shoulders and expressed uncertainty, if taako had been able to overcome his blind loyalty and expressed doubt, would they have gone through with the relics? would they have even gone through with the lich plan? they realize only afterward that they should’ve talked about it, and so they learn from their mistakes.

another tangent—isn’t it so crazy how, by any standard, lup should be the strongwilled, passionate, heroic protagonist and taako her cynical, pragmatic, yet loyal sidekick? and yet he’s the protagonist and she the supporting character in the actual narrative? so subversive and intriguing. i cant believe this was all masterfully and purposefully written. anyway. (<- in the in-universe metanarrative version of the story, lup [and honestly, probably davenport] is the tragic ghost who haunts the narrative and lucretia & barry are the morally gray protagonist foils, and tres horny boys are supporting characters/comic relief who go on to have their own semi-important b-plot arcs that ultimately serve to further the protagonists’ arcs. btw.)

back to the twins. i also think they don't only grow post-canon, i think they grow a LOT during the century, because in the beginning, they're coming from a life where they have been not only the most important people in each other's lives, but the ONLY people in each other's lives. and now they're suddenly faced with more people, which they handle fine individually, more or less—lup is faster to warm up to the others, but even though taako's attitude is very much that he only cares about him and his, he is capable of expanding the people who are "his" (eventually). but they've never had to bring other people into their dynamic with each other before.

i don't think either of them are possessive, their relationship is built on deepest mutual respect and love and trust and "possessiveness" is kinda antithetical to that, but they can both be jealous on occasion. although there is a difference—lup is the only one who will outwardly display jealousy (and maybe a better word than jealousy would be insecurity), again because of the dynamic earlier: taako must always support whatever decisions lup makes without question. so when taako dies one cycle and all of a sudden merle and magnus and everyone else grieve him too, lup feels a sense of ownership over grief (not over taako himself, but over loving taako, just because no one else ever really has before, and she’s never had to think about the possibility that he might love other people too) that she initially may not challenge but does eventually let go of, because it's actually a good thing that other people love him now, and bringing new people into their family doesn’t make their love for each other any less. and taako has a similar experience but tbh i think its a little easier for him bc, like, who wouldn’t love lup, and lup loves other people way more freely than taako does (still not super freely, its a low bar). not that lup thinks taako is unloveable OBVIOUSLY (taako does think he’s unloveable tho) i just think they have different attitudes abt it, like they both have the moments of “but you don’t love them as much as i do!!” which is true, no one loves them as much as they do, but taako’s more willing to let that shit go bc he just doesn’t care as much what the others do as long as they don’t fuckin bother him about it. like lup sees the others equate (as she sees it, but oc they’re not actually grieving At Her) their (comparatively shallow) grief to her world-shattering loss of her best friend, only family, soulmate, silly rabbit, and she gets angry about it, but taako’s reaction is more like, “ok they’re stupid. who cares.” meanwhile and more importantly, all of a sudden lup is falling in love with barry, but taako's not one to throw a fit or demand that he's the only one who can love lup nor the only one lup can love. she’s made her decision. he just gives barry advice and lets it quietly hurt and draws distant, because he has a deep seated fear of abandonment that is now, for the first time, clashing with his unshakable trust in lup. and their relationship irrevocably changes but maybe not for the worse, because taako has, for the first time, doubted lup, a disruption to their typical (codependent) dynamic. but, of course, in the end his fears are unfounded and lup pulls him back in, because their capacity for love increases—of course lup still loves him just as much and yknow what, so does barry, and so does the rest of the crew. so he doubts and fears and is proven wrong. and so they grow and change, and their world increases from two to seven.

but that doubt doesn’t really go away for a long time, exacerbated and strained the more lup keeps secrets (especially with barry) until it reaches a head when lup finally doubts taako and does truly abandon him. but again, of course, never on purpose and never forever, they find their way back to each other despite everything and, again, come away stronger for it. the idea that the twins’ relationship is never as close again after story and song is so fucking tragic and heartrending but really i just think its unrealistic. because the rift between them is what caused their pain in the first place, of course they wouldn’t just shrug and move on. they would do anything for each other, including a lot of difficult emotional work and healing. for a little while they do have to deal with the reality that they’re not as close as they were. but they can be again. it just takes time and effort.

but anyway just to drive my point home—we mostly see taako's side of it since he is the protagonist in the real world narrative, but lup is always, always positioned within that narrative as his most important person. (and even then, lup says as much for taako! she loves barry of course but she loves taako so much he’s her heart!!) when thb see their lives after the hunger in paloma's prophecy, taako sees himself cooking with lup. she's textually representative of healing and joy in his future, and she's the main character present in his epilogue too. she's his greatest loss and his greatest love, positioned in exactly the same place as julia and merle's kids. there are a myriad of love stories going on in balance and a myriad of love stories involving taako that are all beautiful and significant in their own right but i really do think the main one in his life is lup!!

well all that to say they’re my favorite little critters ever and i’m studying them under a microscope forever. how do you end posts

[satashiiwrites]

snippet sunday

making progress….getting closer to the end of the fic. Tagging anyone who wants to play along this fine sunday morning.

Title: Choices and Regrets, Chapter 13

Fandom: 911, Dark Matter (2024 tv series)

Pairing: Buddie, Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz/Evan Buckley

summary:

If you could go back and change the choices in your life, would you?  Would you love the same people, go on the same vacations, have the same career? Or would you have regrets?

After the lightning strike, an unexpected visitor makes Buck question all the choices he’s ever made. From dropping out of the Seals to never making a move on Eddie because the time hasn’t been right. He’s going to get an up close and personal look at what could have been because another version of Buck is focused on taking his choices away from him—including Eddie and Christopher Diaz. 

Tags/warnings: dark themes, dubious consent, explicit sex, kidnapping, murder, major character death, drug use, identity fraud

Eddie tries to process Buck’s entire story but his brain is still stuck on how he didn’t recognize that Buck had been replaced.  It’s edging towards 0300 and all he can think of is the difference in how it is to touch his Buck versus the monster that had attempted to replace him.  The kiss from earlier buzzes under his skin, reminding him of how Buck had responded, had been just as desperate. 

Buck wants him.  

His Buck wants him.  

So does the other, monstrous version of Evan Buckley. 

Eddie shudders, chilled. 

Buck returns from the shower, wearing Bobby’s tank top and athletic shorts.  His skin glistens, still slightly wet and his curls are loose without gel coaxing them into a tighter style. “If you want it, shower’s free.”

“I’m good,” slips out.  He is, surprisingly.  He’s good as long as he’s here with Buck—this version of Buck.   His fingers itch to grab Buck’s hand again and thread their fingers together.  Eddie yearns for the anchor that touching Buck provides.  Buck is safety and love, the man who always has Eddie’s back. 

“I..uh,” Buck pauses, appearing nervous as he licks his lips, “I’m glad that Bobby gave you the rest of the night off.”

“Oh?” Eddie isn’t surprised.  Bobby knows him well enough that Eddie isn’t in the right headspace to be at work.  They’d had a talk after he’d come back from dispatch about being mentally present at work. Eddie’s good at compartmentalization—the army had taught him that along with his family from a young age.  However, not even Superman would always be able to compartmentalize what they see on the job every day according to Frank and Eddie’s had some hard lessons learned that way.  

Bobby knows that when it comes to Buck, Eddie’s compromised.  Eddie can’t shove shit to the side if he thinks Buck’s hurt and looking back at it, Eddie’s pretty sure Bobby clocked them early on on their codependency that Hen and Chim like to tease them about is about more than just dating each other.  Hell, until two weeks ago, Eddie’d never thought dating Buck was a possibility but he’s been compromised as hell for years when it comes to the leggy blonde. 

Eddie is never going to hear the end of being into leggy blonde jokes from his sisters once he tells them he’s dating Buck. Sophia already has been making jokes for years about Eddie’s type and yeah, Eddie’s been blind as a bat when it comes to Evan Buckley and how much he’s in love with him. 

Buck ducks his head, cheeks pinking adorably.  “We should get some sleep.”

“Yeah,” Eddie easily agrees.  He’s in his work t-shirt and boxers but feels overdressed, sitting on the foot of the bed. 

“Uh, which side…”

“Buck,” Eddie calls and Buck’s head snaps up, eyes electric in the dim light of the bedside lamp. “Come here.”

“Eddie?”

“We have some unfinished business from earlier,” Eddie points out. 

Buck shifts his weight on his feet, not coming any closer.  He’s just out of Eddie’s arm reach. “Earlier?”

“Yeah.  I mean, should we talk?”

“We weren’t doing much talking,” Buck spits out and his ears are turning red as the blush spreads.  

Eddie wants to know how far it goes.  He supposes that’ll mean getting Buck’s shirt off again. 

Buck is right though—they hadn’t been doing much talking. 

“C’mere, Buck.”

Buck steps forward at Eddie’s command, stopping only when he’s between Eddie’s spread knees.  Eddie reaches for Buck’s hand and twines their fingers, squeezing in reassurance.  Buck’s eyes don’t leave Eddie’s and his breath catches as the make skin to skin contact at the knee.  

“Eddie?”

Eddie tugs and Buck sinks to his knees, crowding into Eddie’s space but leaving barely a handbreadth between their chests.  At this level, with Eddie sitting, they’re eyes are level.  The crystalline blue of Buck’s eyes are so vivid in the light that Eddie wonders how he could ever have missed that the other version of Buck didn’t have the gentleness and love there when he looked at Eddie because it pours out of Buck.  The goodness within him, the brightness of his soul shines on Eddie and he feels the other man’s touch fade from his memory. 

“Buck,” Eddie calls again, cradling Buck’s face in his hand.  Buck presses his cheek into Eddie’s palm, dark eyelashes fluttering as he sighs in contentment at Eddie’s touch. The rub of a thumb opens those cherry red lips and the press of a kiss has Eddie moving forward to join their mouths.  

Unlike their previous kiss, there’s no desperation in this one.  It starts gentle, a meeting of mouths and a sharing of breath before deepening as Eddie’s tongue sweeps into Buck’s mouth to taste.  Buck’s tongue greets his, licking and teasing as teeth nip at the swollen lower lip and Buck crowds closer, arms slipping around one another in an embrace that’s been years in the making. 

Careful of the bruises he now knows are there, Eddie pulls Buck in fully.  They’re pressed together from groin to mouth and the answering hardness in Buck’s shorts emboldens Eddie to slip a hand underneath the waistband of Buck’s shorts to wrap his free hand around the cock he finds there.  The shaft is slippery and warm against his palm as he gives an experimental pull, making Buck groan and shudder in Eddie’s arms. 

“Eddie,” Buck mewls as he breaks the kiss to breathe, quivering in Eddie’s hold.  

“I got you,” Eddie tells Buck.  “I got you.”

“Eddie, please.  I…”

“You what?” Eddie asks, smiling as he nips at Buck’s lip and gives the cock in his hand another stroke.  Buck is so responsive to each touch and it’s empowering to feel how much control he has over his lover, the permission he’s being given and the trust. It’s the complete opposite of how it was with Buck’s doppelgänger. 

How could Eddie have mistaken that other man for the one in his arms?  He’d been so blind by the idea of finally getting to have Buck that he’d ignored so many warning signs and he’ll carry that grief until the end of his days. 

“Please, Eddie,” Buck begs and Eddie knows he’ll give the one thing he couldn’t give the facsimile of him.  

“Come to bed, Buck,” Eddie coaxes.

“Eddie,” Buck whines, already reduced to repeats of Eddie’s name but Eddie can read the paragraphs of words behind his name.  The love that Buck has for him.  The same soul deep need to be together for the rest of their lives. 

He’d been missing this.  Now that he’s found it, Eddie will never give this up.  

Read the published chapters on AO3

[tablefourtyone]

I love the Nagazora arc and the way it all played out, and how well it worked out for KiaMei at the very end of part 1. In a crack nutshell:

Kewvin: Kiana's part of my Kaslana legacy full of musclebrains that could easily bring back the Leeroy Jenkins meme if they weren't naturally talented at clobbering Honkai dead with a baseball bat. Also cores are bad, you should do something about that, I TOTALLY can't do anything about them, just don't clarify that with your crippled friend and her gundam weeaboo mentor.

Mey: OMG MY POOR KIANA CHAN 😭😭😭

Kerbin: Come join the Dark Side, I have tons of subscribers and Elysia

May: I'll think about it one minute passes I'll do it

Einstein: Wait a second. You're letting your relationship with Kiana define 99% of your existence and agency in the narrative which loves to write you like this for some brainless reason. Wallowing in misery is turning you into a two-dimensional angstlord. Let me help you. I want to save Kiana's life.

Tesla: Me two

Aunty Teri: She has other people in her life plus a family that cares for her safety and wellbeing, in case you and the writers forgot. You're not exactly alone in your grief here.

Bronya: I exist and I also care, and I fought that Kewpie guy with Mr. Welt so I know if he's BSing you about not being able to yank out Kiana's cores himself or not.

Mee: everybody stfu it's my arc and my wangsty opera solo about my skill issues, only me myself and i and what kiana means to me matter, nothing and nobody else matters! nobody understands her better than me, we're endgame herrscher soulmates that can erase everyone if we want to and i'm pretty sure we did in a bad ending but whatever, it's me and her against this cold cruel world that suffers wangsty fools like us, baby!

Kanai: Nope, I've got realistic problems and emotions to deal with atm. G'bye moesenpai sorry not sorry

Meo: chases kiana and fights to the music of codependency

Thunderhead: hey. hey kid. you want edgey battlesuit?

Meh: i tried so haaaaard and come so faaaaar and in the end I had to be a Herrscherrrr

Kania: Meansenpai wai the 180 hostility and violence and resting honkai diva bitchface T_T

RaidenMeiThunderthighs: I'M NOT SAYING BECAUSE GO FUCK YOURSELF. KICKING AND BEATING YOU IN THE FACE AND TELLING THE AUDIENCE THAT I'M DOING IT BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU ISN'T CRINGE. SEE YOU IN SIX MONTHS, STAY PRETTY AND REGRESSIVELY STUPID FOR ME

People who neither play GGZ nor ship them: This fight is horribly written, and caters specifically to the GGZ crowd.

[artdecosupernova-writing]

Partners

Reagan Gilmore and Ben Murray are desperate to take their music and comedy act—aptly called Gilmore and Murray—to the big leagues. In New York City, the year 1950 to be more specific, when and where you can’t swing a baseball bat without hitting someone demanding a duo act with talent, that doesn’t seem to be too hard. The tricky part, however, is rising to the top of the heap when you’re indebted to a particularly notorious crime syndicate.

Protagonists

Reagan Gilmore • 29 • August 15th, 1921 • Ireland

Reagan moved to a small town in New Jersey with his parents at age 9 and met Ben the same day. Some would say it was love at first sight, as the two have been inseparable ever since. At age 13, Reagan’s parents moved back to Ireland and he stayed behind since he couldn’t bear the thought of being so far away from Ben. He’s got incredibly good looks in spades and the charisma to back it up, which he’s learned to use to his and Ben’s advantage. He can have as big a heart as he wants but he’s deeply flawed and he’s tried to quell it for decades.

Ben Murray • 25 • February 27th, 1925 • New Jersey

A mama’s boy through and through, Ben has abandonment issues and a heavily codependent relationship with Reagan. Until age 5 it was just him and his mom, Shoshana, against the world, and meeting a little Irish boy new to town chucked a very welcome wrench in that cozy dynamic for the rest of their lives. Something dark brews beneath the complex surface of one Benjy Mertz. He fears being alone, even in his own apartment, and going as much as a week without seeing his best friend is practically equivalent to being imprisoned.

• • •

"Well," Ben said suddenly. "...What if we could work and celebrate Charlotte's birthday at the same time?" Reagan paused in the midst of kneeling to hand Carolyn another wooden car. "What?" Ben swiveled to face him, hands on his hips. "What if we didn't have to miss her birthday after all? We could...have a celebration at the Heron." Reagan and Carolyn exchanged a glance, the concern doubling in her face. "Have a child's birthday party at the Heron?" Reagan pushed himself to his feet. "Have you cracked? Geevo wouldn't allow a child to look at the Heron, and you think he's gonna let one waltz into the house just 'cause we work there?" "All we gotta do is ask, Reggie." Reagan lifted his eyebrows. "Be my guest." A quick jab of fear split through Ben's chest. "Wh—why's it gotta be me?!" "It was your idea. You're the one stupid enough to think you can ask something insulting of the man almost certainly involved in the mob that just so happens to hand us our paychecks after every performance of lascivious smiles and flop sweat." "It's a good idea," Carolyn interjected. "If you could pull it off, it would be better than missing out for six years in a row." Without breaking eye contact with Ben, Reagan released a slow breath, the weight of Carolyn's words once again sinking into his shoulders with the strength of a weighted blanket. He eventually lowered his gaze to the toys in her hands.

• • •

"He pays us," Reagan reminded him through gritted teeth once the door clicked closed behind them. "He lets me live in a house with my family, and lets you live, full stop." "With money that he likely inherited when someone went the way of the executed," Ben hissed, shrugging Reagan off of him. They hurried through the hall to get as far away from the office as possible. "We don't owe him shit! If anything, we're the reason that shit-head rakes in as much as he does every goddamn week!" Reagan shoved him into the wall. "If he hears you mouthin' off like that, I will let him wring your pencil neck, do you hear me? He's got all the right ties to all the wrong people." "Or is that the wrong ties to the right people?" Ben said, rubbing his shoulder as they turned a corner. "With Geevo Jones it doesn't matter. You'd be dead either way and I wouldn't know what to do with myself." "It'd tear you up that much, huh?" Reagan came to a stop and turned to him, picking up on the neediness behind the faux-casual question. "You've been my best friend for twenty years. You think I would've stuck with you that long if I didn't care about someone blowing your brains out?" Ben paused, nose scrunching. "...Didja have to get offensive?" "Yeah." Reagan smiled.

[ffamranxii]

HAIKYUU!! COUPLES HEADCANONS

DAISUGA

-Daichi goes to the gym to work out. Suga goes to the gym to ogle Daichi

-Suga has a massive sweet tooth

-Daichi cooks, Suga cleans

-Suga is a little shit who is not above seducing Daichi in public. He can say the most lewd things without batting an eye while Daichi blushes furiously

-Daichi and Kuroo once hooked up at training camp. They do not talk about it

-Daichi is good friends with Michimiya and Kiyoko. Suga is closer to Asahi

-Daisuga rarely fight and are often asked for relationship advice. Daichi tries to discourage this because “guys I didn’t realize Yui had a crush on me or that Suga was in love with me for three years.”

-Daichi can’t dance, won’t dance, and refuses to acknowledge the time he got trashed and twerked

-Suga dislikes his given name unless it’s said by Daichi, who is the only person allowed to call him Koushi

-Suga is extremely flexible. Daichi is not.

-Daichi or Suga getting hit on makes Daichi uncomfortable. Getting hit on amuses Suga, and Daichi getting hit on makes him horny

-It took all of high school for Daisuga to get together, because Daichi is oblivious and Suga assumed Daichi wasn’t into him. Daichi’s dumbness and their mutual pining becomes a fond, shared joke several years later

-Daichi has no gag reflex. 

-Daisuga have a very fat, very orange cat named Ninja. He’s surprisingly fast and agile despite looking like a furry basketball. (Daichi is a dog person and did not even want Ninja at first. He suspects Kuroo had something to do with this. Suga sometimes playfully gets upset because “Ninja likes you better than me, Dai!”)

-Everyone expects Suga to be the dominant one but Suga is more than willing to be submissive for Daichi and has on several occasions

ASANOYA

-Noya gets up before sunrise to run. Asahi would rather die than leave his bed before 8am

-Noya turns the coffee pot on and cooks breakfast to lure Asahi out of bed

-Noya is surprisingly patient, gentle, quiet, and kind when it comes to Asahi and his insecurities

-Noya is the type to bottle his insecurities and fears until they explode. The only one who can calm him back down is Asahi

-Asahi makes bratty faces when he thinks Noya isn’t looking

-Noya and Tanaka spend a lot of time with Daisuga because of the Daichi&Suga&Asahi&Kiyoko friendship. Asahi and Ennoshita become good friends

-Asahi doesn’t understand the distance between Noya and his sisters because Asahi is very close to his

-It is impossible to embarrass Noya

-Asahi gets a lot of inspiration for his fashion designs from traveling with Noya

-Noya knows how to braid hair and likes to play with Asahi’s

-Asahi enjoys physical affection but dislikes overt PDA. Noya would happily climb Asahi like a tree in public if Asahi would let him

-Only Asahi calls Noya by his given name

-Noya knows he likes Asahi early on but Asahi’s panic (“omg someone LIKES me?? NOYA likes me?? My crush??”) at his confession prevent them getting together until after the Date Tech match (after Asahi rejoins the team).

-Noya is affected by wanderlust and that’s why he travels. Sometimes Asahi joins him. They get married in Canada during one of these trips. (I once read a fantastic asanoya fic where a significant event happened in Canada so Canada is my asanoya place now)

-Noya sends Asahi a postcard from every place he’s ever visited. Sometimes he’ll spend over half an hour trying to find the *best* one, only to buy them all and send them as a sort of big long letter. Asahi saves them all in a photo album that lives on the coffee table. (Some people have a coffee table book, Asahi has a photo album.)

-Noya prefers to top. The one thing he’s really uncomfortable with is being on the bottom (physically laying beneath someone and also sex).

KUROKEN

-Kuroken have a black cat and a calico and enjoy naps on the couch with the kitties. Kuroo has SO MANY pictures in his phone of Kenma curled around the kitties.

-Kuroo: “Love you.” Kenma: “Hate you.”

-Kenma CAN cook, but likes that Kuroo likes taking care of him

-Every game Kuroo has ever owned is multiplayer because he only games with Kenma

-Kenma’s favorite games involve critical thinking and puzzles. Kuroo enjoys watching him play

-Kuroo is an introvert masquerading as an extrovert. Kenma is an introvert. They enjoy quiet nights in.

-Kuroo has anxiety. Kenma always knows when Kuroo is anxious and how to fix it

-People make Kenma anxious. Kuroo makes himself anxious.

-Kenma’s nicknames for Kuroo are Kuro and Koroemon. Kuroo calls Kenma Kyanma and kitten

-Kuroo has been in love with Kenma for as long as he can remember, since they were kids. Kenma knows this, but doesn’t understand he feels the same way until Kuroo goes off to college

-Kuroo is the one who discovered Daichi’s lack of gag reflex. He’s delighted to learn that Kenma lacks one as well

-Kenma moves more slowly than Kuroo. He’s not as comfortable with physical affection and sex as Kuroo is. Their relationship progresses slowly, and Kuroo lets Kenma lead. 

-After Kenma’s confession, how he feels about Kuroo is one of the very few things Kuroo does not doubt or make himself anxious over.

-Kuroo can, will, and has go(ne) on and on and ON about Kenma until someone shuts him up. It drives Yaku up the fucking wall in high school.

-Kenma does a retro game stream once or twice a month made up of games he and Kuroo used to play as kids. Kuroo actually games with him on those days and Kenma’s followers are quick to notice and speculate because Kenma has literally never gamed with another person in the same room before. Sometimes Kenma can only post the actual gameplay because Kuroo ruined the footage of them by being excessively sappy. (Kuroo is NOT above flirting and dirty talk to get an edge and Kenma doesn’t really think his fans need to know that.)

-Kuroken do not talk about Kuroo’s mom or sister

-The Kozumes love “Tetsu-chan” and Kuroo’s grandparents adore Kenma. Kuroken get along with each other’s families better than they do their own.

-Kuroo is tactile. He’s that ass-slapping friend. Kenma thinks he’s ridiculous

-Kuroo used to be dislike Hinata, because Kenma and Hinata are extremely good friends and Kuroo was afraid Hinata would take Kenma away from him. Kenma has assured him he doesn’t like Hinata like that but Kuroo doesn’t warm up until Hinata starts dating Kageyama

BOKUAKA

-Akaashi is 100% in charge of the house and the financials and his word is law. Not because he’s an asshole but because Bokuto is whipped

-Akaashi is a screamer. Bokuto has a big dick.

-Bokuto is the calmest between him and his sisters. His sisters have formed an Akaashi fanclub

-Bokuaka kiss a lot during sex

-Bokuto fucking loves owls

-Akaashi used to be embarrassed over being a manga editor but Bokuto thinks it’s the coolest job ever, “even better than mine!” When his authors need references, Akaashi sends them pictures of Bokuto. Bokuto takes this responsibility very seriously

-Bokuaka exclusively refer to each other by first name but Akaashi can’t break the habit of using -san

-Akaashi and Kenma are very good friends. Bokuto thinks they might even be better bros than him and Kuroo. (Kenma is one of the few people Akaashi calls by first name, and one of the only people who calls Akaashi by his.)

-Akaashi overthinks as a result of anxiety, but he doesn’t think he has anxiety. He prefers to call it “seeing the issue from all sides”

-Akaashi and Bokuto do yoga together. Bokuto behaves himself surprisingly well around Akaashi in yoga pants

-Akaashi decided to attend Fukurodani after watching Bokuto play and literally for no other reason

-Bokuaka are the embodiment of love at first sight and their relationship has an unreal, almost storybook quality to it because they are literally perfect for each other. Because of this, Bokuto doesn’t understand why other people struggle so much to start and maintain a relationship, no matter how many times Kuroo tells him “just because your relationship is straight out of a movie doesn’t mean the rest of the world works like that”

-Bokuaka have a koi pond in their backyard and have named all the fish. Bokuto always asks about them when he’s away for games

IWAOI

-Iwaizumi cooks and cleans because he’s always been the one taking care of Oikawa, but he refuses to fold the laundry because “I’m not doing everything for you, you fucking freeloader”

-Iwaizumi cooks healthy “old man food.” Oikawa’s sweet tooth suffers

-Oikawa is that guy who puts more cream and sugar and other additives in his coffee than actual coffee. He’s tried all of Starbucks’ seasonal drinks and never gets the same thing twice

-Iwaoi have very heated arguments about if Godzilla can kick King Kong’s ass or not. Iwaizumi of course sides with Godzilla

-Iwaoi once fought about the original purpose of Stonehenge and now no one can mention England without it coming back up

-Oikawa only became comfortable with his glasses because Iwaizumi likes them

-Iwaoi have been friends since they were in diapers. The whole volleyball team took bets on when they’d announce their relationship

-Both the Oikawas and the Iwaizumis respond when either boy calls for mom or dad. Oikawa calls his sister Nee-chan while Iwaizumi says Oneesan

-Iwaizumi’s favorite of Oikawa’s features is his legs. Oikawa is in love with Iwa’s arms

-Neither of them can remember when they started liking each other or how their relationship started

-Iwaoi are shockingly codependent and do NOT do separation (during university in Argentina/California or for away games) well

-Deep down Oikawa is extremely insecure and worries he isn’t enough - in volleyball, in school, in his family, in his relationship. Iwaizumi always knows when he’s putting on a front and how to cheer him back up

-Iwaizumi is secretly so soft and weak for Oikawa

-After the Olympics Iwaizumi moves to Argentina to be with Oikawa and they get married. They move back to Japan after Oikawa retires from volleyball and after gay marriage becomes legal there

-Oikawa keeps various plants around the house and the patio and is extremely proud of them. He paints all their pots and even names some of them (which Iwaizumi thinks is disgustingly cute). His most prized plant is a lucky bamboo he bought on a whim when iwaoi first moved in together.

-Oikawa can’t deepthroat. It makes him so jealous that Iwaizumi can

-Iwaizumi blushes whenever Oikawa gives him a genuine compliment

-Iwaizumi has a praise kink. Oikawa has a “whatever comes out of Iwa’s mouth” kink

-Iwaizumi has dom tendencies.

[spmcomic]

here’s nassy!!!

this is how i draw her, and some information on her vampire powers and stuff. the kind of bat she turns into is based on kitti’s hog-nosed bat.

detailed bio under the cut:

Name: Nastasia Parris, under Maximoff

Age / Species (at intro): 24 / vampire (originally human)

Pronouns etc: she, ???

Personality: Uptight and businesslike, she values hard work and efficiency. A lot more anxious than she lets on. The anxiety comes out in little ways; hand wringing, biting her lip, ending statements with the tone of a question. Due to her upbringing she has developed very codependent tendencies and prefers to live her life in the service of someone she presumes is much smarter and more capable than herself (or, as eventually becomes the case with the Count, someone who sorely needs her caretaking). She may not look it, but she is tough as nails, both under physical and psychological pressure. She can only live with herself if she gets “the job” done.

Hobbies: She didn’t have the time for many personal projects in her original colony. She was interested in astronomy and spent time at the castle’s observatory occasionally, and working under the Count she fiddles with their stellar maps a lot. She played lackey to her friend Orazio’s shenanigans, but also kept him from getting himself into too much trouble. Nastasia enjoys keeping detailed to-do lists and schedules, and becomes irritable when her plans are not followed through by others. 

Family / Friends: As a human child, Nastasia lived with her mostly-single mother and her younger sister, who was five years younger than her. She was killed and abducted at seven years old, and after reanimating as a vampire she lived in the castle with the rest of her colony. She knew most of her fellows because they depended on her organizational skills, but she was closest with Orazio, who was a twerp and liked to cause mischief around the castle. He provided her with a social link to the more intimidating elder members of the colony, and with her rare power of hypnosis she quickly rose in the ranks. Even if she didn’t know all of the vampires, everyone knew who she was.

Timeline: Nastasia (born Anastasia) was born in a small village outside of Maximoff’s lair, which was a community known as the vampire’s “blood stock.” Human-based vampires can feed off humans without killing them, so the humans lived peacefully and enjoyed the vampires’ protection with small blood sacrifices. One night, a bored Maximoff was prowling her neighborhood hunting for virgin blood, and when he could not find a suitable adult he settled for the child Nastasia, out doing chores in the yard. The large boss vampire killed her mostly on accident, and took her body back to the castle under the assumption her family would be able to guess what had happened to her. Upon discovering she had gained the power to control anyone who saw her eyes, Maximoff set her immediately to work managing troublemakers around the castle. Her life after that was a lot of work and little play, though Orazio ensured that she took breaks at least on occasion by forcing her to get out of the castle and explore with him. After she was gifted a shade pearl from Maximoff, which protected her from sunlight, she took fewer breaks, as her free time did not align well with Orazio’s. Due to escalating violence with the nearby werewolf community, Nastasia became overworked with keeping their prisoners under control, and gave up her free time altogether. The night that the werewolves invaded her colony’s castle, Orazio sent Nastasia away, because she had previously hypnotized so many of the invaders that she would be effectively useless in the battle. When she was caught escaping, she was rescued by the Count, and has been at his side ever since.

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

Drop the lyric by lyric breakdown for Evie + Mirrorball & This Is Me Trying

 wellll if you insist lmao!  Putting this below the cut because like... no one deserves to have to scroll past the entire thing if they don’t want to lmao

I’m going to start with Mirrorball bc it’s more the overall vibes and some lyrics whreas This Is My Trying is like, every other lyric oof!

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself tonight

okay so like right off the bat, the idea of the mirrorball as a concept is very fitting to Evie — she exists in other people’s light and reflects everyone around her, especially early on.  We see this a lot with Blair, where Evie finds comfort in just existing in Blair’s world and mirroring her (but being nicer lmao) because as long as she’s a reflection of Blair, she isn’t Evie, and that protects her in a lot of ways.  She’s so terrified of not being enough and being hated and being judged that she finds comfort in that mask because if people don’t like her then it’s the mask that they don’t like, not Evie herself.  This is very much tied into her mental health issues and part of her recovery process is letting people see who she is without the mask

I'll get you out on the floor Shimmering beautiful And when I break it's in a million pieces

as I’m sure you know, “when I break, it’s in a million pieces” could basically sum up her entire story.  Evie manages to hold it together through a lot of really awful, traumatizing shit, but when she reaches her breaking point, she absolutely shatters.  Part of why most of the people who know she’s been in the Ostroff Centre are so surprised is because basically no one realized that she’s actually been breaking for a long time. 

Hush When no one is around, my dear You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you Hush I know they said the end is near But I'm still on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you

Okay so this obviously makes me think of my boy Theo bc he’s an angel, but it fits the two of them really well because Theo has always seen past Evie’s mask.  They’ve been best friends for their entire lives, and he’s really one of the few people that Evie trusts enough to be herself around!  No matter what happens, when it’s just the two of them (or with Eric lmao, we love our codependent children) she can really just let down all of her walls and be Evie, and “evie who feels safe enough to just be evie” is exactly who Theo fell in love with

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I can change everything about me to fit in

Oof the way this fits her just hurts me tbh!  This goes back to what I was saying at the beginning, but Evie is an actress.  Prior to her breakdown, she had always intended to become an actress.  If there is one thing Evie can do, it’s pretend to be someone — anyone — else.  Whether it’s to fit in, or to protect herself, or just because she doesn’t know how to be herself, changing herself based on her surroundings is something that has become so natural to her that she doesn’t even realize she does it.

You are not like the regulars The masquerade revelers Drunk as they watch my shattered edges glisten

We’re going back to Theo with this, but frankly this also very much fits with Eric, Blair, and Chuck, even Nate, and tbh even Serena.  This is the Upper East Side; this is gossip girl.  Watching people falling or being torn apart is everyone’s favourite form of entertainment, and the more public, the better.  But Evie has this small group of people, her family, who don’t enjoy it.  Ivy Week, as you know, is the perfect example of how even the fights between the NJBC get put on hold for the sake of protecting the younger siblings.  Serena’s horror during the dinner with Georgina, Blair not sending the texts between Eric and Asher until Eric gives her the go-ahead, Chuck dropping everything whenever Evie is in trouble, Nate making a deal with Catherine to protect Theo, like... They’re all generally self-serving people who don’t hesitate to screw each other over, but all four of them will put aside any of their own issues and any fights they may be having in order to protect the babies — especially when it comes to protecting them from the rest of the UES society who would be all too happy to watch the golden children be torn apart

Hush When no one is around, my dear You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you Hush I know they said the end is near But I'm still on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you

(already broke this one down lmao)

And they called off the circus Burned the disco down When they sent home the horses And the rodeo clowns

This one is more the overall vibe than the specific lyrics but you know how I feel about Evie in the housewarming party episode and honestly this just makes me think of how it ends with Serena still pissed at Lily and Bart and now also pissed at Evie for “giving in” and trying to act like a family (as Evie would say, “Chuck and Eric are my family, it’s the three of you who need to step up to the plate”), and she storms out which leads to a very abrupt end to the party, with Evie still sitting on the couch just kind of frozen because she was trying so fucking hard to hold everyone together and to make this work and it still feels like it wasn’t enough, like she wasn’t enough

I'm still on that tightrope I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me

This takes on a bit of a double meaning for Evie because it fits really well with Evie wanting to be an actress and even during and after her breakdown, when she’s no longer sure if that’s what she wants, she still keeps going through the motions to work towards that goal because she really doesn’t know how else to be

But it also fits really well with Evie in her legal family (her bio family, the Van Der Basses, and the Van Der Humphreys) — Evie is always the one trying to put her own issues aside for the sake of her family.  She keeps quiet about things that hurt or upset her because she doesn’t want to cause problems, she’s the one who just quietly accepts Lily’s relationships no matter how much she hates them because she knows that at the end of the day, Lily will always put her boyfriends first.  Hell, when Lily and Rufus get closer, Evie tries to put her issues with Jenny behind her to make things easier for everyone else.  Even in S3 when Jenny is tormenting her at school (Evie is the queen and everyone knows it, and she’s managed to put a stop to a lot of the drama, but Jenny is still trying to overthrow her and bring back all the shitty politics so that she can be on top), Evie just quietly takes it and refuses to tell anyone or retaliate until Jenny goes after Eric.  

I'm still a believer but I don't know why I've never been a natural All I do is try, try, try

oof this is just... so Evie.  For people like the NJBC, all the politics and scheming and everything comes naturally, but so does the effortlessly flawless illusion they put up.  They turn seeming perfect into an art form, and the only time it takes any work is when they’re also trying to destroy each other.  Evie has never felt like she has that.  She doesn’t turn heads and part crowds just by walking into a room, she doesn’t have Serena’s magnetism or Blair’s ability to always get the last word, or Chuck’s “do not fuck with me” vibe, or Nate’s ability to convince people that he’s fine.  She tries so hard and always feels like she comes up short, but she just keeps trying.

“I’m still a believer but I don’t know why” also fits really well with both the fact that Evie always tries to see the best in people, even when they’ve hurt her, and the fact that no matter how many horrible, traumatizing things have happened to her, Evie tries so desperately to hold onto the hope that it’ll eventually be okay

I'm still on that trapeze I'm still trying everything To keep you looking at me

I mean, this one honestly might be the most obvious?  Her eating disorder.  Going back to my last point, Evie doesn’t feel like she has the same natural magnetism or charisma as Serena and Blair.  She doesn’t have the ability to make everyone fall in love with her with a smile (at least in her mind; Theo would beg to differ).  She looks at her two older sisters who are just so stunning, at the way Blair always looks perfectly put together, at the way Serena can make being a mess look deliberate and desirable, and she feels like she always falls short in comparison, and she goes to dangerous lengths to try to achieve it.

Because I'm a mirrorball I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself Tonight

And woo okay then onto This Is Me Trying, be prepared for some Evie angst!

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting

Okay so this sort of goes back to the last point I was making in Mirrorball, with how hard Evie tries to feel like she belongs in the UES, and more importantly how hard she tries to look like she belongs, and that while Evie was always the dreamer and the optimist, she’s starting to lose that as she gets older.

But quite frankly, this relates even more to Serena leaving.  Before that, Evie was always the hopeful one — no matter how flakey Serena got, no matter how often she bailed on her siblings for Georgina and a party, Evie always held onto the hope that Serena still loved them and would still be their sister again, eventually.  But then Serena left, without so much as a goodbye, and that dream shatters for Evie, and she gives up on that hope — and as you know, that plays a big role in her pre-canon breakdown, as does her inability to adjust to not having her sister around, however unreliable she might have been.

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that

Keeping with that last point, this is actually more Serena’s POV about Evie — with how she left things with them, especially with Evie (who she fought with just before meeting Georgina the night of the wedding), she really isn’t sure if Evie would actually want her to come back, and she really does regret the way everything happens (especially as she realizes that she really doesn’t fit into Evie’s family anymore)

Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say But I'm here in your doorway

This is another bit that’s more about the vibes and images that it gives me than the specific vibe, but the first two lines here always give me the strong vibe of someone standing at the edge of a cliff or rooftop, trying to decide whether or not to jump, and that fits painfully well with Evie and how desperately she tried to hold on through everything that happened pre-canon, no matter how tempting it was to just give in and get away from it all. 

I just wanted you to know That this is me trying I just wanted you to know That this is me trying

Going back to Mirrorball, part of the tragedy of Evie Van Der Woodsen is just how hard she tries, at everything.  She tries to fit in, she tries to be perfect, she tries to be okay, she tries to just keep pushing through every single bad thing that’s happened to her, even as she’s falling apart behind her mask.

They told me all of my cages were mental So I got wasted like all my potential

Again, there are really two meanings to this when it comes to Evie.  First is just... Evie has a hell of a lot of issues, clearly, but people tend to be very dismissive of them.  Once upon a time, Evie used to actually reach out for help, only to get met with “poor little rich girl” and being brushed off because her life seemed so perfect, what could she have to be upset about it?  Eventually Evie starts to believe it too, and her own belief that she has no ‘real’ reason to be upset becomes a big part in her reaching her breaking point.

But also... There was a point when Evie tried to talk to Lily.  She tried to tell her about how not okay she was, and tried to ask Lily for help, but Lily just dismissed her because she wasn’t willing to take responsibility for her own role in Evie’s issues.  It became so consistent for a short period that eventually Evie found herself wondering if maybe she really was overreacting, which in turn led to her not asking anyone else for help or telling anyone else what was wrong — and unfortunately for Evie, this was such a pervasive element of her ongoing breakdown that ultimately no one would be able to help her with the rest of it without first helping her with this, and no one could help because she never told anyone else because she became convinced that she really was just being overly dramatic and sensitive

And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that

I know I was just telling you about this (hence, I assume, this ask lmao) but like, this is very Evie.  Evie is the nice one.  Evie chooses to be the nice one.  She could easily destroy basically anyone with a text or two to Gossip Girl, but she actively chooses not to, because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone else the way she’s been hurt.  But when Evie does snap, she’s merciless.  She throws Serena leaving them back in her face when Serena starts talking about how Lily would leave without saying goodbye, she tells Lily that she’s even worse at being a mother than she is at being a wife, she tells Bart that if he wants them to act like a family then he should learn to act like a father, she tells Dan that his complaints about the UES would hold more weight if he were’t so desperate for the advantages that come with it... hell, she gets Chuck off the ledge of the roof by going straight for the kill and reminding him that he promised he wouldn’t leave her — and then by throwing in a “but then again, I’m used to people breaking their promises.”  And afterwards, she always regrets the things she says.  She feels like just because they’re hurting her doesn’t mean she needs to hurt them back.

But the best example I have of this is with Jenny.  In general, Evie does tend to lash out more at Jenny than at most other people, because Jenny hurts her more than most, but more specifically this goes back to what I was saying in Mirrorball about season 3.  Evie holds her tongue as Jenny torments her, because she doesn’t want to cause problems between everyone else.  But then Jenny goes after Eric and Jonathan, and Evie reaches that breaking point — and, well, Evie did learn from the best.  She’s well aware of Eric’s plan to steal her cotillion date, and she helps with that, but more importantly she stops Nate from stepping in.  She waits until the announcer has been informed that Nate will be escorting her and then asks Nate to talk and tells him what’s been going on with Jenny — Nate is furious on her behalf but also doesn’t want to leave Jenny without an escort, at which point Evie pulls out her phone to show him that Eric had just given her an all-clear, that Jenny’s turn had already gone.  Later Evie feels bad for humiliating Jenny like that, but as much as she regrets it, her bigger regret is that she knows that if she had a second chance, she would do the exact same thing.

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here

Evie has always been the exception.  No freshmen at the masquerade — except Evie.  Ivy Week is for juniors — and Evie.  Cotillion is for juniors — and Evie.  So on, so forth.  Because of their connections to the NJBC, and their parents, the twins and Theo have always been able to be ahead of the rest of their classmates.  And most of the time Evie doesn’t mind it, she’d rather do all these things when she has Blair to help her.  But then you get to things like the s3 cotillion and, even though her own was absolutely perfect, watching all of her classmates go through the preparation without her leaves her feeling hollow and disconnected.

(tbh, as far as I’ve been able to tell — though I might be wrong — you can be presented at more than one cotillion, so Evie might end up persuading Lily to let her register again, despite having done it two years ago, more for the connection to her peers than for the actual cotillion aspect)

Pourin' out my heart to a stranger But I didn't pour the whiskey

I mean this one feels like it might seem a bit obvious with regards to pouring her heart out to her therapist, but in all honesty, she never really did.  What it really makes me think of is the scene in Poison Ivy, when Eric, Jenny, Theo, and Evie all talk, and Eric and Evie tell Jenny about the Ostroff Centre and everything.  At this point, Jenny is still basically a stranger to them, but for some reason they both end up opening up to her all the same

And as for “but I didn’t pour the whiskey”, it’s actually a very important part of Evie’s story!  Evie doesn’t drink anything harder than champagne — she’s seen Serena, she knows that Serena’s drinking is more of an addiction that she would ever admit, and she’s terrified of ending up like that, so she just doesn’t drink.  Right up until Chuck disappears after Bart’s funeral — and when Eric is trying to explain to Chuck that they’re still his family and they still want/need him in their lives, the first thing he says to try to drive home his point is to tell Chuck that Evie has started drinking.

I just wanted you to know That this is me trying I just wanted you to know That this is me trying At least I'm trying

(already talked about this!)

And it's hard to be at a party When I feel like an open wound

This is honestly just an overall vibe for Evie!  I don’t have a specific party in mind or anything (or I do but there are several — namely Jenny’s party, the opera, the housewarming, the masquerade, every thanksgiving, and like many more but I’ll leave it here for now) but Evie has a very hard time with being expected to go to these parties and be totally put together and play the perfect daughter even when she feels like she’s completely falling apart and just wants to curl up in bed for days

It's hard to be anywhere these days When all I want is you

This also applies to a few different situations, both romantic and platonic!  The first scene it made me think of was Jenny’s party, when Evie is still heartbroken over the breakup and then Jenny outs her and it’s just rough.  But it also makes me think of the White Party and how Evie is feeling guilty over her crush on Theo because like, ex boyfriends are off limits, and feeling weird and uncomfortable with Eric having brought Jenny despite the fact that things between Evie and Jenny haven’t gotten better since Jenny outed her.  Honestly though it also really makes me think of the opera in s2 but in a platonic sense, because Chuck is there and all Evie wants is to be able to talk to Chuck and really have her brother back, but Chuck is still holding her at arm’s length because of how guilty he’s feeling at this point for everything that’s happened since Bart’s funeral

You're a flashback in a film reel On the one screen in my town

This one gave me more White Party vibes, specifically with the moment that Evie sees Jenny and then Jenny saying hi, which is the first thing she’s actually said to her since the Outing Incident, and how hard it is for Evie because god she’s still so hurt and Jenny’s never even tried to apologize but then at the same time with Jenny there and Theo and Eric also there it’s too easy for her to feel like it was the beginning of Freshman year, when all four of them were the best of friends and almost a functional version of the NJBC and as much as Evie is still hurt and pissed she also just really misses the way things used to be, back even before any dating started within the group.

And I just wanted you to know That this is me trying (Maybe I don't quite know what to say) I just wanted you to know That this is me trying At least I'm trying

(already talked about this!)

And anyways, there are my lyric breakdowns for Evie Van Der Woodsen, now I’m feeling all sad about her again

[walkerismychoice]

I saw your comment on the 3 LI’s Nonny... you’re faulting Liam for falling in love and “breaking the rules” (totally agree with you on the mistress part) but Drake does more than just complain and be too sarcastic... He has a CONSTANT pity party for himself, he can’t even express his feelings, not to mention he fell just as instantly for MC as Liam did, Liam just actually tells MC. And Drake proposes after having NO KIND of relationship with MC prior except mere fantasies. Far from perfect.

Okay I could probably talk for days on this matter, but here we go. I'm faulting Liam for falling head over heels at first site, not just for falling in love. Every argument you are making about Drake falling in love without knowing her is what happens with Liam in my second playthrough. I didn't kiss him, didn't do any of his diamond scenes, rejected him at every turn, yet he still proposes (it's the plot of the book, I get it, but still awkward AF). The other three LIs only propose after two whole books if you choose them when you reject Liam. Now you could have choosen Drake for the hell of it without having done any of his scenes or romantic options but why would you?

Now to address all the faults you bring up:

1. The pity party - Let's review Drake's history. His dad died presumably when he was a teenager and his mom didn't cope well and left her two teenage children to be looked after by Bastien. So he only had 3 people in his life who were close to him at the time: Savannah, Bastien, and Liam. The nobles never treated him like he was one of them and if you look to the examples in the book (Olivia, Madeleine, Neville) they were pretty damn brutal just because he was a commoner. You could argue it was his personality but his status always came up in the insults. I don't blame him one bit for being bitter and resentful of the whole nobility system.

So if he hates it so much, why is he still there? Well as has been stated many times before he did try to leave. He went to college in the U.S. but then Liam had a mental breakdown after an assassination attempt and nobody could pull him out of it, so Leo went to the US and begged Drake to come back. Drake gave up everything he wanted to be with Liam. Yes, it appears it has been many years since then, but Drake and Liam have become so codependent on each other, it's not so easy for him to just be like okay you are good now I'm going to start a new life. Plus at the point the book begins, Savannah is gone and he doesn't even know if she's alive. Liam and Bastien are literally the only close friends/family he has left. As someone whose parents died when I was in my early 20s and whose only sister/sibling has had her own issues where at times I didn't know where she was or if she was even alive, I can empathize. You want to hold on the people you do have in your life. It doesn't mean he has to be happy with system of privilege around him just because he's there for other reasons.

2. The rest of your complaints all go together and are so off base I'm just going to address them here. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you forgot that numerous Drake diamond scenes exist. I would argue that the Drake romance arc is one of the best and angstiest slow burn build ups Choices writers have done and is one of the reasons Drake was so interesting to me as a character. Drake may have thought MC was attractive off the bat, but he didn't even particularly like her. It took several diamond scenes before he started to open up to her in Lythikos. Then the romance built up little by little through Applewood when he rescued her from Tariq and he started to express his feelings but also his hesitation because of Liam being his friend and his own insecurities (I know people drag him for being insecure but can you blame him when every girl would give anything to be with the prince and not look twice at his commoner friend). He tried to push the MC away at every turn, but if you choose to romance him and do his scenes, she keeps pushing back. And he does keep admitting his feelings but also his hesitation. It takes 15 chapters to build up to just a kiss, and 2 full books for them to sleep together. Each diamond scene builds on the last with increasing feelings and sexual tension and the payoff is worth it in the end. Drake is very forthright with his feelings towards the end of book 2 and when you finally choose him, he's very openly sweet, protective, romantic, loyal etc.

The Drake you romance is so much better and more developed than the Drake you sideline because you only get to see the one dimensional fancy food/noble hating whiskey drinker if you don't do his scenes. Even towards the end, he comes around to a lot of these things because of/for MC, but he doesn't completely change who he is. So while I understand why people who don't romance Drake can't see all the things who romance him do, I don't get the animosity towards Drake stans for liking him or why anyone cares at all who others romance.

I get that some people find the enthusiasm of some stans annoying but I'm not seeing any Drake stans going into Liam/Hana/Maxwell stans inboxes and telling them how much their LI sucks and how dumb they are for liking them. I can see the reasons why everyone likes those other LIs, but they don't do it for me just as Drake may not do it for you. Unless anyone is trying to force Drake (or any LI) on you as a LI, just do your thing and let them like who they like.

[heckatomb]

@sacryfices   :   emily   after   the   burning   incident   .

          you think you know sorrow when you are five years old. your classmates are tasked with creating father’s day cards and you come to the sudden realization you have no recipient to celebrate. you think you know shame when you are six. you sleepover a cousin’s house and wake up unable to tell your mother what happened the next afternoon. you think you know disgust when you are twelve. you develop earlier than expected and are neglected when you speak out against wandering eyes and lingering hands at family parties. you think you know love when you are 17. you meet a boy who is kind and sensitive and cares until he decides he wants someone else. 

          you think you know things because you can FEEL them. emotions and fantasies and stories from others, they soak into you like spring rain on green grasses. sometimes they are tinted yellow with laughter and joy   ---   those are your favorites. other times they can be gray and dark with agony and strife   ---   those are your least favorite. several occasions they have been convoluted with all sorts of shades and colors. you start to feel overwhelmed by it all though you will not succumb to it. you simply cannot allow anyone to see you struggle because they would not care. they would not bat an eye to save you. you are independent and detached and the only time relief finds you is under covers during late nights where tears can flow freely under no scrutiny.

          you find solace in a twin flame. unconventional and near codependent, she gives you hope   ---   provides a certain inspiration that makes you think maybe you can come out of all this suffering, not unscathed, but with love in your heart. she trusts you, confides in you and lacks an expected judgement to your character. she follows you into an unfamiliar territory, a secret part of the world and holds your hand through the all bad parts. she makes you know loyalty.

          you had never known gentleness before. your upbringing was battered and berated. you sulked and suppressed your entire life   ---   refusing to let anyone come too close to where your heart beats slow and unsure. you start to fall into a ease otherwise foreign to yourself. you can touch and be touched without recoiling as if sprinkled with scalding water. you can laugh or shout without fearing reprimand. you learn to know trust in a serene shadow.

          you are instigation and irritability. you aim to help, to ensure the ones you care for are  protected. you do not intend to care for him. if asked, you would insist it is his fault for making you look inside. if he had regarded you cordially or even not at all, things may have been different. a series of glimpses   ---   one where he smiles at you and you feel a future of risk and uncertainty but a passion never before sensed. you leap in blindly and it is like getting a rabid stray to let you pet it. every step you push forward is slammed back by a red tinted memory and bellowing voice. you want to help, want to protect him because the inevitable truth is you will care. you know to embrace patience through a bitter prospect.

          you get too comfortable, too vulnerable. you think you are doing it right. making new acquaintances, being able to act your age with no regulations. you think you could finally be your own person   ---   set your own limits and guidelines, decide who gets to treat you what way. until it is stripped from you, albeit literally. you stand up to a damaged soul and your thick skin is melted through via fire. it burns, an excruciating pain that you could hardly register since being in shock. 

          you can still remember the smell, charred and rotten. even after heaven sent nurturer soothes your physical wound and sends you on your way, your eyes will close and only see one face. the face of a broken boy who lost his way and possibly his mind. the throbbing, the yellowing and reddening cloth of gauze that must be replaced often on your shoulder provides you endless memory of the incident. even when the sensation ceases, the flesh is becoming tattered and rough, so ugly compared to the rest of you. 

          even when you find yourself forgetting about what lies beneath your shirts and sweaters, you cannot truly heal. when you see him in the halls, when you dream or when you hear a creak in the night, you jump. your chest gets tight and you tremble until you he passes you by, you wake up in a cold sweat or you recheck the door and window locks. you get up close and personal with a dragon and you begin to get to know fear.

[lavender-noire]

Read on MTS

As perfect as it is in theory, a white colonial style house with two stories, a big blue front door with a golden knocker emblazoned on the front is terribly unrealistic for life in the city. The property alone required for that sprawling backyard would cost a fortune worth several lifetimes over. Not to mention the price of that immaculate green lawn out front. Then there's the cost of the never-ending parade of gardeners for the grounds, housekeepers for the rooms, plumbers for those four bathrooms she insists were absolutely necessary, and of course, a nanny for the children, because how dare he expect her to renounce her career just because she's created a life. How god damn dare he. But no. Of course that's a ridiculous fantasy for a working couple living in the heart of Downtown Pleasantview. There's the cost. There's all that space, mocking her with its unresponsive emptiness. And moving back to the suburbs is obviously out of the question. The thought of being walking distance from her mother and sister makes her heartbeat spill into her ears. Not again. Besides, the apartment is nice enough. Nevermind that the floors creak and the porch light still isn't fixed after sixteen weeks of asking.

The apartment is cool inside, despite the heat of the day pooling just outside the kitchen window. Her tiny porcelain cups of wheat grass and soil are appreciative for the unobstructed light. Angela's gaze doesn't falter from looking across the table to admire her plants, proud as she is. A jolt of pain leaps up from the small of her back and across her vertebrae, then comes to rest somewhere at the base of her skull. Heat and throbbing soreness moans warily from the bottoms of her feet. Her skin chafes every second of every minute to accommodate her growing belly. To cope, she frantically applies butters and creams to her stomach at every trip to the bathroom. Sometimes she looks at her body in the mirror and grins, eager to meet the person sleeping inside it. Other times, she sobs as her mind suffers to reconcile her swollen belly and tired legs with the image of herself she's known for forever until now. Sometimes she plucks the hair from her scalp to regain some sense of control over the metamorphosing landscape of her own physical form. Sometimes she screams into a folded towel. Every time, she blots a makeup sponge under her eyes, reapplies her lipstick, and returns to society all clean and pretty.

Gazing back at his wife from across the table, Jake can't help the upward tilt of his lips. She's glowing. People always say that about pregnant women, but he's seen pregnant women, and nobody radiates like Angela. The muted scent of lavender and linen trails after her wherever she goes. Distant starlight catches the green of her eyes and blinds him with her absolute perfection. It wads his stomach in knots to look upon her and then remember himself.

She knows she's too good for him. She doesn't have to say as much, of course. The entire world showers cherry blossom petal praise and congratulations for her charming manner, pretty face, and sharp wit, then recoils in horror when they realize that man beside her is her husband. The sweet, sticky odor of hair gel and body spray heralds his presence before he even enters a room. Years of drunken revelry and cigarette smoke has made his voice husky. He saunters from place to place, constantly late, his attentions and affections carried on an unpredictable wind. They've moved more than twice because asking him to turn down the volume of his music is an assault on his creative expression. His reputation precedes him everywhere. "Him?" they all say. And it's getting harder to respond.

Her eyes linger on him as he walks past. She wrinkles her brow and implores his broad back to explain just what it is that tethers her to him. She hardly noticed him at all in college. He was her sister's plaything back then. Jacob Martin existed merely as a deep voice comingling in the raucous laughter that emanated from behind her sister's door. He was the nonchalant arm draped around Lilith's shoulders at the cafeteria. He was the lazy cheek kisses and the napping body beside her on the couch in the common room. He was an accessory to her antics, equally directionless and shallow. But a single drunken night of dancing and stolen kisses under the yellow glow of a streetlamp, and he's Mr. Pleasant-Martin. Angela smiles a meek smile. It had been a fun night, at least.

He perches on the couch beside her, crossing his legs at the ankles. "Angie, I've been thinking," he says. Angela cringes at the bastardization of her name. It's Angela, she wants to say. It's been six fucking years, Jacob, you know I like it "Angela", not "Angie", "Angel", or even goddamn "Jelly". But she steals a moment with eyes pinched close, a wrinkle of the nose, then responds, "What's that, babe?" He blossoms. Pet names are rare. "I want to throw you a baby shower. I promise, nothing big, just a little get-together for family and friends here at the house. I'll be conservative with the music, I'll leave the menu to you, and it'll just --" The corners of Angela's lips bow in not quite a smile. "It sounds great. Let's do it."

Of all the extended family, Jacob's dad is the over the most often. Angela thinks their relationship is unhealthy. Codependent. Jacob thinks that that's an overdramatic, assumptive assertion that she makes because she lives in abject fear of her own mother, and can't comprehend a relationship that deviates from that. He would never say so, but it's what he thinks. "Dude!" Jacob cries as he bats his father's hands away, "Don't tickle me, I'm like thirty." Andrew grins a lopsided grin and buries his fingers in Jacob's sides, "Shut up, you love it." They share a laugh.

Antithetical as they are, the two family groups mix without incident most of the time. Mary-Sue attempted a conversation with Jacob's father once. While the conversation languished around stocks and the state of the economy, she was perfectly enthused. Once Andrew decided to dust off the fart noises and impressions, Mary-Sue had written him off as an intellectual dead end. These days, she greets him with a single nod of acknowledgement and nothing more. Andrew, who cannot bear the thought of not being liked, nurses his hurt feelings with food every time he and Mary-Sue are in the same room. It works for them.

Lilith and Jacob remain friends, though not as close as they used to be. They lounge around the house together watching television or playing video games under Angela's skeptical surveillance. Neither one has any interest in rekindling their sexual relationship, but Lilith likes the anxiety in brings to her twin's stupidly immaculate household, so she lets Angela worry.

Angela's eyes flit between her sister's face and the protrusion of her own pregnant stomach. She surveys with displeasure the shaggy red tresses that drape across her twin's forehead and curl near her ears. It's better than when she was bald for a year, sure, but not by much. Angela finds it hard to look at her sister for more than a few minutes at a time. The familiarity of those features -- that same freckled nose and pale face, those same, cutting green eyes staring back into her own -- makes her want to peel her skin off and inhabit someone, anyone, else.

She dips her chin downward to draw attention to Lilith's belly. "That's new. Don's the dad?"

Lilith smirks. "Sure is."

"I'm glad we're pregnant at the same time, this way our kids can --"

Lilith cups her hand before her lips and shakes loose a yawn. "Angela, nothing would be more boring to me than playing the whole 'twinsies' game with our kids and forcing ourselves together for Sunday brunch or whatever contrived, inauthentic bullshit you've concocted to appease our terrible mother."

Anxious, incensed butterflies flood Angela's stomach. Their sickly yellow wings bat against each other. Scarlet heat rises to the surface of her skin. Her face flushes. Her ears numb. She can feel the blood swirling beneath her flesh, and it makes her sick. She fixes a smile upon her face as she winds her fingers into fists at her sides. She pictures glass fracturing in the beds of her palms, sheer edges pressing to her skin and alleviating the thrum of her heart, the rage in her veins, for just a moment.

It's fine.

"Congratulations, Lilith." she softly says.

It's fine. Angela is a great daughter-in-law. She's intelligent. She's lovely. She's kind. She is an excellent addition to any family, and anyone who doesn't see her value is obviously worthless, themselves. She throws her arms around her father-in-law and wraps him in a warm embrace. He smells like paperwork and brandy, and for a moment, Angela worries that he's driven here. Nevermind. She pulls back.

"Andrew, thanks for coming. We're always so happy to have you."

She wonders if he can tell her words are hollow.

Angela's mouth begins to water and her stomach lurches. Nausea blurs her vision and burns her throat. She touches a few fingertips to her lips and heads for the bathroom.

A melodic voice cuts through the mental noise awash in Angela's head.

"Angela!" the voice says, "Congratulations, sweetheart! Have you picked out any names?"

Her throat constricts and the gushing, angry bloodflow ebbs for a moment as she registers Meadow Broke's face. She can feel her pupils reduce to pinpricks in the center of her eyes, a thieving raccoon caught in the glow of a flashlight. Her attention bounds between Meadow and the man approaching behind her. Oh good, Dustin's here. It was only a kiss and she didn't know they were engaged. Either way, Meadow stole him from her first, so really, it all cancels out. They're over it. It's fine.

"Hey!" she says too loudly, "Th-thanks for being here. I have a few names I really like, but Jacob wants to wait until we meet the baby to decide."

Meadow chuckles. "And it's driving you crazy, right?"

She presses the inside of her lip between her teeth, then forces a laugh. 

"Completely nuts."

Mary-Sue Pleasant has a way of looking through to the core of people. She sees through the miles of coping mechanisms, aesthetic distractions, and defensive walls to the heart of their character. In another life, she may very well have made an excellent therapist. But in this one, her perception and intuition about people is stained by the inky black streaks of judgment she paints upon them, deeming them worthy or not of her respect, her acceptance, her praise. Currently, she looks upon the unkempt frame of her son-in-law at a party he's cobbled together to celebrate the impending arrival of the child he's made with her daughter. Mary-Sue is elated at the thought of meeting this darling bundle of untapped potential, but immeasurably disappointed when she considers its father.

"Hello, Jacob," she says dully as he makes his approach. He looks stern.

"We need to talk. Before the baby comes, before anybody makes any decisions about childcare, education, expectations -- whatever -- you and me have to talk."

Mary-Sue cocks a brow and leans onto one hip, her arms fanned confidently at her sides and and utterly unimpressed frown scrawled across her face. "I agree, we do need to have a discussion."

Jacob parts his lips, but Mary-Sue plows through his opportunity.

"I'm not like everyone else, Jacob. I'm not going to do this dance with you, protect your flimsy self-esteem. Let me be transparent: I am unhappy with the choice my daughter has made. I don't think you're right for her or for this family, but I cannot make her decisions for her. What we're looking at is an eternity tethered to each other through this child, and while that's obviously not ideal for either of us --"

"I don't have a problem with you, Mary."

"Mary-Sue. And fine, obviously it's not ideal for me. But seeing as there's no way around it, there are a few things I'm going to need from you. One, find a real job. I will not have my daughter and grandchild's fate hinging on the potential for upward mobility for a DJ."

Jacob scowls. "Emcee."

"That is literally the exact same thing, Jacob. Do you even hear yourself?" The older woman sucks in a breath and releases it with great effort. "One, real job. I can get you a job at Dirk Dreamer's firm, and you will take it. Two, the child will attend private school and university, nonnegotiable. Three, get a real house. I will not have my grandchild raised in an apartment of this condition on the poor side of the city. Are we clear?"

Jacob grits his teeth. "You're being insanely demeaning to me in my own home at a party I threw to honor your daughter, and I won't take your --"

Mary-Sue clucks her tongue and shakes her head softly. "Mind your tone, Jacob. It's Angela's party and we don't want to cause her any undue stress, do we? Think of the baby."

Jacob sighs. "Fine. But we'll continue this later."

Mary-Sue chuckles. "If we must."

"Oh, hey Angela. You feeling okay?"

Angela brushes her wrist across her mouth, having emerged from the bathroom renewed. She glances down at Jules O'Mackey, sitting sentinel upon the sofa.

"Me? Yeah, I'm great."

Jules warms to her just a little. "Well, good. I've watched you run around all night long, and I wanna be sure you're okay. Want to sit?"

Angela shakes her head with a neighborly smile. "No, but thank you. I prefer to stand."

"Alright. Just mind your stress, alright? I have no doubt you can handle it, I'm just thinking of that kid in there."

Angela nods.

Jules glimpses some space else with a wistful sheen in her eyes. "I just can't believe Jake is having a kid. I mean we're all at that age, right? Everyone's got their partners now, Dustin and Meadow have Summer, and -- it's silly, but as a kid I was so sure Jake and I were gonna end up together. I wonder if he'll say anything about me to that little guy of yours."

In her stunned silence, Angela can hear the sound of Jacob's voice as he spins a mostly true story from the kitchen.

"Anyways, Lilith told me there was no way to crush a full can of soda against my head, and I said 'not with that attitude, there's not'. So that's how I wound up getting eight stitches in my head at the hospital on New Years Eve."

She watches Jules' smug, self-satisfied freckled fucking face, something monstrous bubbling to the surface. Her shoulders pitch and her nostrils flare once, then twice. She can feel her throat constrict and her muscles pull against the bone. She inhales through her nose and cool air meets her scalding lungs. She plants a loving hand upon her own stomach and glowers down the bridge of her nose at Jules. It's fine. It really is.

"Don't worry, Jules, I'm sure it'll happen for you eventually," she says, a cakey sweetness laden in her voice.

"And that's how I met Angela again after college!” she can hear Jacob sing from the kitchen.

Angela steals away to the bedroom after most the guests take their leave. She sleeps an uneasy rest, drenched in sweat, sharp pains electrifying her skin and insides from her navel outward. She yanks her entire body upright and fumbles with the blankets, hands shaking. The sheets are drenched down to the mattress, and her body aches under the immense pressure building in her abdomen. She can't catch her breath. She throws herself from the bed and wails, grasping at her stomach.

"Jacob, wake up!" she screams.

"Wait a minute, let me call the hospital." Jacob mutters as he tears himself from the bed.

"No time!"

"Holy shit, is that--?!"

The minutes pass like small eternities, one by one, and eventually, where before there were two, there are three.

Angela pulls the baby to her chest and wipes away the sweat from her forehead with an arm. She presses a few tired kisses to the baby's skin before inhaling his scent.

"Whoo! You did it, Angie! And I'm only sort of traumatized for life."

Angela smirks against the baby's shoulder. "Wanna hold him?"

“What do we call him?” she asks.

There’s a palpable thickness to the silence between them. Jacob gazes into the brand new face of his child -- his child -- and two little brown eyes gaze back. He chokes on the wet wad of emotion that eases up his throat, then replies.

“Munn.”

“What? ‘Munn’?”

“His name is Munn.”

[writteninsilence]

my room

01.05.2021 10:21PM

My room should be a safe space and for the most part, it is.

But when it gets dark, why am I so afraid?

Why can’t I lay peacefully in a place that is only mine?

When I think about it, my room has been so many things.

It was a place that I ran to and hid. Was I safe there or was it keeping me prisoner during those years when I didn’t want to see my family? When I didn’t want to face the next day?

It was a place where I barely slept and some men have come and gone. Where I danced around like an idiot and put up stringy lights and blasted my music a little bit too loud. Was it to drown out my thoughts or to forget about who was sleeping next to me?

And now, it is a place that is entirely my own. I have the chance to create an entire new identity with this room. Yet, the nightmares still follow. I am still scared to sleep. The demons pop out of my walls and follow me everywhere I go. I can’t see anything when my eyes are closed other than my biggest fears that I didn’t even know I had.

My nightmares don’t define me. I wake up and they disappear as if they were never there. But, I always remember. I hold them inside of me like a dam ready to burst...but no one asks because they would never know. They would never know about my nightly struggles, the way I toss and turn in bed and picture these horrible creatures and scenarios. Where my loved ones don’t bat an eye at me when I’m screaming for help. When friends and acquaintances chase me to the death. It is an endless cycle of pain and death that all happens within my mind. How do you help someone control their mind? How do you help someone stop nightmares that they never would’ve thought they could think of?

I feel more comfortable with someone next to me. Maybe that’s why I was so codependent. Maybe that’s why I always felt like I needed someone and could never be alone. Maybe that’s why I wore myself out until 4am when I couldn’t stand to be awake anymore that the anxiety of falling asleep was overpowered. I don’t know the answers. All I know is that I know I am not that person. I am not my nightmares. My nightmares do not control me.

One day, I will rest peacefully, and it won’t be when I’m dead.