#and some of that is my analytical side and some of that is sometimes depression and sometimes it’s just human nature I suspect!

[itspileofgoodthings]

starting to think that life is all about love

[adhd-fandom-hyperfocus]

Do you ever wake up so riled over a topic your brain decided to fester on while you were sleeping? Well I'm experiencing that and I'm going to just let it out here:

I cannot tell if people dislike Guilliman because they don't realize Ward is gone or are still on the Ultramarine hate train because of Ward. And yes I get not everyone will like a character I totally get that.

However, I cannot notice an interesting occurrence with Guilliman with what is going on in current events. Roboute is making some, maybe not terrible choice, but some that are incredibly side-eye worthy. Forcing the 500 back under Astartes rule again among them. And I get it, even I was like, "Bobby, what are you doin'?"

And yes it was written as like the ones resisting weren't overly the best, however! This is Guilliman, this is a man who saw a son of his who became the founding leader of the Nova Marines get censured for running tests to see how to defeat other Astartes, and guess what? It was needed.

Guilliman saw how close and far they were from the dream in 30k. Saw that he and his brothers aren't infallible. That the Emperor wasn't.

And yet in 40k he is walking this path where you want to shake him sometimes and go "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Frankly, I'm glad. Because let's be real if this was Ward, Guilliman wouldn't be making these choices, or the people nobles and such in question would be so mustache twirlingly even you would roll your eyes at them eating puppies.

And Another reason I like it, is because I feel this is an unspoken reaction to his fear and depression. Many of the books show the Primarchs have emotions, very real ones and they sometimes ramp up to 11. But because of how they were made it shows differently. Hel, even Dorn had to have fear explained to him, and then it was like, "Oh...I'm afraid" even then it was channeled differntly.

Guilliman is the jokes aside, the smart analytical brother, and fear and depression isn't something you can just sort away easily if at all. So what does he do because he's scared? Because woke up to an Imperium he can't fathom. That has people looking at him with fanatical eroticism? His creator going from calling him a thing, to suddenly saving him and calling him son? He tries to gain control so he can feel safe. Get control so he make sure it goes right. This is his fear showing itself and it's, well, human.

Jokes aside man is going through it, and no he isn't handling all the things in the best way, and it's terrifying because he is a demigod, whether or not he likes it. I am just glad he's not being perfect. And now I know this is Grimdark, but let a hopeful romantic dream. With the great character growth Lion is having, maybe Lion can be the one to help Guilliman calm back down and reign in his need for control to help him get through his fears.

Maybe this is how the bring Corvus back completely. Corvus seemed to understand greatly the betrayal of Horus had on baseline humans and what they as Primarchs were truly. Like the brothers who are alive and are coming back, help each other not make the same mistakes, and better yet, be better than their creator. Mostly because it would allow for some dangling plot stuff floating around to be used over "And here is Heresy 2.0"

Anyhow, thanks for reading, and if you just don't like the big Blueberry I get it, and that's fine. I just needed to get this off my chest.

[rainy-astrology]

BTS RM Birth Chart Analysis

Based on my opinion and observations. Not an expert. May change later.

September 12th, 1994

Seoul, South Korea

Unknown time

☀️♍️🌙♐️

Virgo suns are meticulous, analytical, and logical, which RM is. He's very intelligent and is especially articulate with his words. With a Mercury in Libra, he knows how to phrase his words in order to appeal to others.

Sagittarius moon is open minded and curious, it explains RM's philisophical side. He's obviously a deep thinker who puts a lot of meaning into his works.

He most likely has a Sun square Moon, which can indicate possible issues of inner conflict about his identity. Wants to follow his mind, while also wanting to follow his heart. May feel like he needs to prove himself to others.

Mars in Cancer is in fall. Mars in Cancer can be repressive and unsure how to properly express intense emotion.

Venus in Scorpio is in detriment - Venus is generally soft and calm, while Scorpio is intense and passionate. There can be issues of obsessiveness and possession. However, whatever these natives want, they will pursue it and not give up easily.

Possible rising: Virgo. He's just so Virgo lol. He's tall (I've noticed a lot of Virgo rising men are quite tall) calm, studious, and rational. Also a mixture of clean and messy. I do recall Joon saying he showers a lot (sometimes more than twice a day I think? He does work out and dislikes the sweat) and I also recall Suga talking about how messy Joon was when they still lived together and his disappointment in seeing how clean Joon's apartment was lol...I also have a good feeling that his Pluto is in 3rd house (3rd house placements in general tbh Mercury should be very influential in his chart) Pluto in 3rd is a deep thinker and highly analytical placement. He puts a lot of thought and meanings into his lyrics, always making sure to check they're apropriate first too. Pluto in 3rd can also get their words misunderstood, which seems to happen to RM often - people overanalyze and misunderstand what he says and does and try to paint him in a bad light. He has a lot of power in his words and way of thinking though, he's truly wise and influential. With Pluto being transformation as well, Namjoon has learned and expanded his mind immensely throughout his life...from having questionable beliefs and lyrics to a much more considerate and careful, wiser character is one hell of a growth process.

It would also give Chiron in 1st (if virgo asc is in 1st/2nd decan), which I think makes sense for RM...This placement deals with issues of self esteem, feeling misunderstood, and many matters concerning one's character. Namjoon has been pretty open about his own struggles of depression and going to therapy (not sure if he's still depressed and/or going but I do recall him mentioning both before). A lot of people did insult his looks in the beginning of BTS' careers and overall just disliked him, so I'm sure that took a huge toll on his confidence. Having to carry the responsibilities and burdens of a leader + having constant hate thrown his way for little things and some genuine small mistakes - it's not very surprising he was at his lowest years ago. Chiron in 1st also indicates having a lot of stressful experiences at a young age and he did have to face all this at 19 (still very young imo). I think these heavy feelings can be seen very well in a lot of his solo songs and lyrics. Questioning himself, his character, the feelings of depression and self hatred, etc are expressed clearly in his writing. Chiron in 1st pushes the native to learn confidence and build self-esteem as adults, which RM seems to have improved a lot in. E.g being direct about not apologizing for other's misunderstandings over a simple Instagram story he posted, especially when he had no ill intentions at all.

Sun would also be in the 1st house, which could explain his persistent and strong character. Sun in 1st is usually a confident and/or ambitious placement. The latter definitely applies to Joon - he pursued his dreams despite the huge risk of failing and all the hate that he received. What he chose to do was considered unconventional and was disliked for it. Still he was very determined to succeed and to make a new way, make better contributions to art (due to possible uranus and neptune in 5th; uranus in 5th is esp very noncomformist). This placement is also good for leadership and Joon is definitely a natural leader.

___

Other analysis:

MBTI | Enneagram

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Kpop astrology list

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Other blogs:

Main: Kpop typology (MBTI + enneagram) @rainymbti

Side: Kpop fanarts @rainy-artworks

[bugs1nmybrain]

L Lawliet x Bipolar! Reader Headcanons

I know I said Aizawa would get the next fic and he will, I've just been unmotivated lately because of my depressive episode and homework is kicking my ass. That fic is in my drafts right now and will be completed soon. For now, here's this.

I hardly find any content with characters and mentally ill readers, especially with characters who are considered emotionally strong, like L and Aizawa. I needed this and I hope it helps somebody else, too.

Warnings: Sfw, mentally ill reader, bipolar disorder (I'm type 1 so this may relate better to type 1 people, though I hope it can resonate with type 2 people as well), mania, depression, psychotic symptoms (hallucinations and delusions), medication, L monitors you via cameras and tracking devices, I used personal experiences when explaining reader's psychosis; it's interchangeable to whatever your unique delusions/hallucinations are.

Honestly, your diagnosis doesn't intimate L. While he hasn't exactly engrossed himself in mental health research, he's very knowledgeable in psychology

Your symptoms don't surprise him or make him uncomfortable, and he's actually well receptive of them.

Though admittedly he finds himself a little lost when you're in a manic episode. He's not freaked out, but getting a word out of edgewise with you is challenging. He follows along as best as he can.

Insomnia is something he's well acquainted with himself, so if you can't manage to sleep for a few days he'll be at your side. He'll definitely try to encourage you to take a sleep aid, but if you're stubborn he'll concede and just hang around to monitor you.

He's actually protective when you're in a heavy episode. Sure, he trusts that you have autonomy over yourself, but he also needs to make sure you're safe. So he'll track your whereabouts when you're gone and will sneak cameras into your residence so he can check up on you.

Even if you're good about keeping track of your medication, he'll occasionally make sure you have. Simple reminders like, "Have you taken your medication today, love?" If you're not with him in person he'll text you.

Honestly, because he's so analytical, sometimes he can't help but feel intrigued by your episodes. He knows that every person with bipolar disorder is different, and so paying attention to how your condition affects you, in particular, is interesting to him.

Depressive episodes are harder for him than manic ones, surprisingly. He wants to keep you engaged and present, but when you're stubbornly depressed it's hard for him to know what to do. He gets creative, often asking you to join him for sweets or go shopping. Anything to get you moving.

When you lie in bed all day, that arches him the most. As someone whose brain is always on the go, he's sure that you doing absolutely nothing but sulk has to be painful. Sometimes he'll come and lie beside you for a while and try to talk with you.

As strong and collected as L is, he's no stranger to depression and hyperactivity either. Maybe he's not bipolar, but he can relate to constantly being on the go. His depression only really comes about when he feels hopeless about an investigation. He understands being unmotivated when it seems like nothing is going your way.

Seeing you cry is when he becomes the most complacent. This is tricky for him, he's not used to such a strong emotional response. He doesn't really know what to do or how to make you feel better. He wants to cure it and even just tell you to not cry, but unfortunately, it's not as simple as that. He knows that.

The only thing he can really do is hold you, or just be in your presence if that makes you more comfortable. But admittedly, he is very uncomfortable when the waterworks come out. L isn't inept at reassuring support, but being emotionally competent isn't his expertise.

He'll offer you some sweets to make you feel better. He's trying.

L's very in tune with your early warning signs. He's usually the first one to predict if an episode is approaching. He's studied your behavior so well that even the slightest sign of symptoms is apparent to him. He'll conduct some proactive measures to help if he can, though he doesn't want to seem like your psychiatrist or anything. If you use substances, he'll encourage you to go easy with them. He'll also encourage a better sleep routine (funny, coming from him).

One thing about L that makes him an excellent support, is that he's not scared of your symptoms. He realizes that medication is only a management strategy for bipolar disorder, not a cure. He's not going to lecture you on upping your dose or make you ashamed of your symptoms. It doesn't have to be a bad thing if you can manage it. He's a busy guy, so there's only so much he can do, but he'll help.

His main strategy is distraction, and his other is communication. If you need to talk about your symptoms, or even just ramble while you're manic, he'll listen (mostly. Your manic rants can be overwhelming sometimes).

When you're getting especially excitable he'll try to ground you with an activity; chess, maybe. Something that requires your brain to slow down and become more methodical. For your depression, his go-to for you is physical activity, like tennis. The endorphins help cope with depression and can give you some rewarding feelings.

Psychosis is one that he wasn't prepared for. He knew it could be a symptom of bipolar disorder but wasn't aware of the intensity. So when you came to him nervously asking who was watching all the cameras and if he had sent international government organizations to kidnap you, he was confused.

Then you started telling him about how you were the only person who has ever existed and everybody else was an extension of yourself, and he started getting it.

Delusions are tricky for him because ultimately he can't change your mind, but he does want to make sure that he can ground you as much as he can.

The cameras are an issue. He puts them everywhere, but because they are a huge source of anxiety for psychosis, he has to figure out a way to monitor you but also not make you feel like you're in danger. He may even lie to you about there being no cameras but has actually put them in places you wouldn't expect them to be in. It's for your safety, he tells himself. If you're insistent that there are cameras everywhere even after his lying, he'll try to at least have you understand that the only one watching them is him and it's because he loves you and wants to make sure you're ok. That's the truth.

Hallucinations, he gets. He's even had them himself when he goes many many days without sleeping (also remember episode 25. And before y'all tell me that he lied about the "bells", I don't care and I could write a post about it but that's not what this is for). He's quick to notice you turning your head behind you, or when he's talking to you and you'll be looking beside his head. He'll ask questions about it.

His busy schedule can make this hard for him to balance, but trust that you are not a burden. He wouldn't still be here if you were. He loves you and just wants you to be safe.

[centrally-unplanned]

Something I struggle a bit with a sort of disconnect with the current leaders of "professional-quality anime discourse". We live in the sakuga era, where groups like Sakugabooru & Full Frontal Moe are doing really stellar work on peering behind the curtain at the realities of anime productions. They aim to give you the "animators look" at how it all happens, what people are thinking, what studio conditions are, the works. They command the heights from a respect standpoint in my opinion right now, and sort of "drive" analytical discourse.

But they aren't really what I find interesting. I love and need a ton of their work, but in the end the sakuga era is the animator's era; it centers anime-as-art, the people who create, their techniques, etc. That isn't actually my thing! I care about cultural history & casual history, "otaku studies", and consumers of media always outnumber producers of media a hundred to one. They of course exist symbiotically with each other, but the creators side is only ever going to be a part of that. And its not the load-bearing part of questions around why this or that media product succeeded, what it meant to audiences, how it reflects people's relationship with individual media & wider identity norms, etc.

And ironically I think the "peak" of this discourse in western spaces is coinciding with its decline in relevance in Japanese spaces. This is a whole other topic but in earlier eras the telos of technological progress, its intensity and directionality, created a parallel momentum in cultural identity - "new, better anime" seemed always around the corner and people responded to that via identity formation around the momentum. But now, even though technical improvements occur, from an audience perspective the telos is gone. Audiences would actually get a bit wrapped up in things like the digital revolution back then - now its more like trivia, it doesn't shape as much.

There is of course people out there who touch on the cultural & historical topics, I'm no island or anything. But its very diffuse, and other sections of the discourse space are struggling. Great YouTubers exist but imo overall this is not a great time for AniTube, the intensification & legibility of financial success has not inspired that kind of work. Obviously the blogosphere is bleeding heavily. Academic works have gems in there but media studies as a discipline is shackled with awful theoretical concepts and compositional norms, its like pulling teeth with their output every time. And also are generally interested in western fandoms as befitting western academics (and while I do use Japanese academic papers sometimes, the legibility barrier is...its tough).

Beyond just "feeling alone" its an issue because right now I am quite demotivated on this area; I feel in-between ideas, with any potential project seeming dim in its payoff. The default source of inspiration normally is the works of others! Every time I get politics-burned at some point someone else puts out a really good analysis, or even just a good question. Proposing good questions is underrated, its the fuel that powers research. Not to mention "shit keeps happening", you know? Fukuyama may hold an iron grip on the ruleset still but within his bounds the game keeps on playing, which results in flurries of activity that are inspiring. I really lack that for media discourse stuff right now. I can't remember the last time I read a work that I loved. Liked, yes, sure. But you don't get out of ruts with a like.

80% of this is explained by "I am going through a depression episode" lol don't worry I'm not an idiot. But hey, what is Tumblr for if not to rant...

[d1s1ntegrated]

commission for @ghostcore3 <3 IM SO SORRY ITS SO LATE IM TRYING TO CATCH UP ON MY ASKS AAAAAAAA

tomura x mizuki (raven) hcs! 🖤🥀

she's the same height as him, but with her heels she's much taller, and he looks up at her in complete awe whenever she's in her costume.

but he also hates it cause he can't intimidate her at ALL

they argue a lot but it's never that serious. it's mostly just playful banter that went a bit too far

when she's in recovery, he patiently waits by her side (usually playing a game quietly next to her as she rests)

he does his absolute best to write poetry for her when she's feeling depressed, but his handwriting is illegible most of the time and he sucks at being romantic

"alone time" is a requirement and he knows it.

she brings him "crow gifts" like buttons, shiny caps, and dried flower petals she finds. he keeps them all in a small box by his desk

he gets pissed when she's sarcastic with him

quality time >>>

tomura admires her so ferociously, but he'll never say it to her.

they have a form of silent communication that only they understand

they like to just coexist in the same space. he'll play games, she'll read. and they can be content like that for hours

she listens to a lot of classical music, which he'll bitch about, but he actually likes it when he's gaming cause he concentrates better

she gives advice that he doesn't take

but she's always right

they have a lot of low energy days together, with dim lighting and quiet.

because of this, he bought black out curtains for her

skyrim girl x fallout boy

she bites

he likes it

she paints his nails when he asks

whenever he gets too "whiny" aka he's mad something didn't work out as he planned it, she avoids him lie the plague for a few hours so he can calm down otherwise he drives her batty

he would bark like a dog for her. like, unironically. he is wrapped around her fucking finger dude

she plays a wicked hand in any card game and he always rage quits (how tf do you manage to rage quit a card game come on man!)

she's strategic as fuck and is analytical to the point where he sees her as his second-hand (insert hand joke here)

she teases him to the point of no return and he eats it uppppp

he goes out and steals a bunch of pretty clothes for her (and asks toga for help). he once got her a really pretty velvet choker with a small raven charm hanging off of it because it reminded him of her so much (she needed it duh)

the league loves her and also loves seeing her put him in his place (he'll always deny it)

bird/crow jokes cause he's an ass like that

beast boy and raven mentioned frequently cause COME ON ITS SO FITTING?!

i'm putting some nsfw here too!! <3

really freaky fucking mind boggling hate-fucking that isn't really hate fucking it's just angry and intense

like i said, she bites and he likes it

she tops for sure

not all the time though. sometimes she pisses him off to the point where he needs to remind her "who the real leader is"

he calls her names like "my lady", always refers to her as above him (no one else knows)

really sweet, comforting slow sex when they're both feeling shitty and depressed

she lights candles to set the mood, he pours the wax on her (she doesn't hate it)

pulls her by the same choker he got her

she yanks his hair and controls the fuck out of him

writes very angsty erotic poems about him when it's been a min

blood play????????

very vampire-esque sex if you didn't think that already

loves to lay on her chest/play with them (she's the big titty goth gf duh!)

i hope this was good!!!!! i tried my best to look into her in depth, and not make it too OOC. <3 lmk how i did ;-; i love her i hope i did her justice

[chemblrish]

Hey, First of all, I love your blog. It's literally aesthetic ~ I wanted to ask if you considered job prospects before deciding on your degree because I see people around me saying chem is not worth it because of future possibilities. I also have a background in Biotechnology, but had a similar issue with it being too vague. I am working in a totally different field which I am greatful for but I dont plan on staying here long term. Seeing your blog rekindled my interest in chem so would love to know your point of view on this or any advice you could offer. You can totally ignore this if you want as well <3

[This got SO LONG omg 🙈 But I hope it can be helpful]

Hi there fellow chem enthusiast!

To be honest, it's no secret that finding a job in the scientific field is difficult here in Poland. I was fully aware of it when I chose biotech first and then chemistry second. My reasoning back then was, "I love science more than anything and, since I have the opportunity to study it literally for free, why not take it? Why not spend five years - that are going to come and go anyway - learning something I'm passionate about, broadening my knowledge, and giving myself a chance to create a beautiful future for myself? Even if I fail to get a job in science, at least I will know that I tried my best. I'll have spent five precious years of my life doing something incredible."

Which may sound a little depressing, I agree 😅 But several years later, I still think this way. Even if I can't get a job in chemistry once I graduate, at least I'm so, so happy now. I can't really picture myself doing anything that's not science-related, so I know I have to try.

But at the same time, after a couple of years studying for two different science degrees, I have some insight that I didn't have straight after high school. I have had people tell me getting a science degree isn't worth it too, that I won't get a job afterwards, but I've noticed most of those people belonged to one of the following three categories:

1. People who have absolutely nothing to do with science: distant relatives working in business or trade, my parents' acquaintances with no higher education, everybody who ~has heard things~ but has never really been in the position to see firsthand how these things work.

2. My fellow science majors who have older friends with a science degree: their concerns usually sounded valid to me. After all, they were in touch with people who actually got the degree in question and then tried to navigate the job market post-graduation. Later though I realized a lot of those people belonged to the third category.

3. Science students who honestly don't know what tf they're doing - a category that I like to divide into two subcategories:

a. well-meaning but lost students who really need guidance

b. people who went to uni because eh why not but who don't really care and who refuse to put in the work.

I definitely belonged to category 3a at the very beginning of my uni journey, so there's no shame in that. I'm a first gen uni student, so I had to figure everything out all by myself as I went.

The thing is, I got to talk to a lot of people who complained that a science degree is useless while doing pretty much nothing to sharpen their skills. They floated through uni as if it was nothing but another chore they had to cross out of their to-do list, barely passing, having zero interest in their field of study, not taking any opportunities that were literally out there. No extracurriculars, no internships, no side projects, nothing. Is it surprising at all these people struggle to find a job in science afterwards?

Don't get me wrong, nobody has full control over their life - sometimes you just get lucky. My friend's friend (lol) needed to take a break from uni after his BSc and got a job in an analytical lab straight away. But most often you just really have to work your butt off to get what you want. The people from my old uni who truly cared about biotech worked extremely hard to get to where they are now: with published papers and working with their profs. Harsh as it may sound, I now know that if I don't want to be one of those people with a """useless""" science degree, I have to do more than is expected of me. I have to put my introverted, anxious self out there, because being passive probably won't get me anywhere.

The people who love you and care about you mean well when they say chemistry isn't worth it, but that doesn't mean they're right. Similarly, people who graduate with a science degree and then struggle to get a job aren't all slackers who just didn't try hard enough - that's absolutely not true. Life isn't always what we want it to be. I wouldn't exactly feel comfortable giving you advice since I'm still in uni, but I can tell you my experience, and my experience is people who know what they want and who are willing to work very hard for it, usually get it.

I'd say this is also no secret but it tends to float over people's heads (no shame in this either, it's hard to imagine your whole future when you're like 20) that when your profs tell you to do more, they're being serious. When they say doing extra is important, they're right.

So, I believe in all this stuff and I work hard and I got myself an internship, and will this get me a job in chemistry? I don't know! I've no idea! Maybe I'll fail miserably! Maybe I'll be one of those people who genuinely try hard and then just happen to be really unlucky! But right now I'm doing everything that's in my power not to let that happen. I can't guarantee you success in the scientific field - nobody can - but I can tell you hard work, determination, and faith in yourself increase your chances of succeeding dramatically. It's a cliche, I'm aware, but if you never try, you never know. You only get one precious chance to experience living on this floating rock and everything that comes with it. Why not try to make it good?

[phlve]

IT(N) — Introverted Thinking supported by Intuition

Analytical, interested primarily in the underlying principles, organized in relation to concepts and imagination. Perceptive, not dominating, decisiveness of thinking only shows within intellectual matters. Quiet, reserved, detached and usually aloof. Inclined towards shyness. Won't be convinced by anything except intellect - reasoning, explanation and theoretical logic. Serious and usually focused on the dark, sad side of life. Pessimism can achieve a state of reactive depression. the idea of working in a slowed. in conversations almost does not participate. occasionally interiects. serious mood. serious ethical position. Passivity in activities related to the charges seriously, timidity, indecisiveness, no carelessness and gaiety, a strong perception of heavy experiences, sometimes tearfulness. A sense of inferiority, fluctuations in the choice of fields of activity, passive in life, calm, apathetic, lack of energy and activity, honesty, kindness, slowness, clumsiness, not laughs heartily, neat clothing, difficulty in making decisions. Tries to see and create from everything a system of some core level natural laws and patterns, frameworks and structures of directed thinking, impersonal rationality. Has many interests and much knowledge, but don't like to advertise this fact and be in the center of attention. In their essence, they are precise and pedantic, not only in the way of thinking but also in how they relate to the world around them. You will scarcely meet a person believing in miracles and trusting in luck among representatives of this type. Consistency, reliability, ability to stick to their word - all of these are typical of representatives of this type. Generally excessively extensive knowledge of most philosophical principles, mathematical logic and theories, formulas etc. He knows how to dig to the essence of things, to reveal their internal structure. He sets for himself very high requirements, specific orders and devotion to an idea or a set of rules, varies on manifestation. Unless somebody else takes care of him, he can easily drive himself to starvation. Usually he even does not notice the quality of his clothing. He does not tolerate orders. He does not show much initiative, is reclusive and silent. "Sorry, I'm too scattered to learn about politics. I just learn about math/engineering.". This type often carries around a childish, autistic personality. "The world is the way I see it. If you have evidence that it's not the way I see it, too bad for the world. Anyway it is not my business; just keep your opinion to yourself. I think the world should be exactly how I see it".

Many idiosyncrasies, distinct lack of emotional maturity; he can only love or hate, his feeling doesn't come with nuances. Fails to understand social interactions, disconnected from ambients - social ineptitude. Eccentric, may have problems understanding the law, the common sense. Some manifestations of the type are more immature, more bizarre. Can be stubborn, won't stand being interrupted, hates when people argue with each other, can't live in a place where people are always discussing. "I won't perform plebeian tasks such as driving!"; extremely "anti-social" in a sense. Doesn't realize at all how he affects other people, thinks that he is always right, that he has a right to do what he might do. Assumes things about people, accuses people and expresses "anti-mainstream" preferences. Geeky, nerdy, not very adult, more like a teenager or a kid. Uses difficult, complicated language, tries to explain things in very solid and tangible terms, tries to show the structures and principles, oriented to dissect all multiplicities; creator of concepts, philosophical, a person of many ideas, theories. Carries with him personal conclusions able to explain and analyse the world. His logic is one of identifying order in apparent chaos, a parallel, polymorphic, multi-leveled logic, logic of contradictions and paradoxes, explaining the complicated. Justifications and assumptions from different viewpoints. Points out differences and inconsistencies in everything. Anxious, paranoid indecisiveness, prone to overthinking. Intolerance of uncertainty, black and white thinking. Focuses on probability, tries to isolate, abstract, the pure substance of things; won't accept changes in his behaviour or world. He sharply reacts to reprimands, but sometimes hides his irritation under an artificial smile. Does not second-guess, his decisions aren't based on intuitions, tries to avoid using faith. Uses premises. intellect, a set of forms of reasonings, logic. "My state is always adequate to the external world, and my inner person is standard." "Why bother studying your inner self if building a world of harmony is so much more interesting and acute?", he typically chooses one of his standard states and dwells in it most of the time. The "inner core" is made by ethical norms and principles, which secure the integrity of their internal world. Likes puzzles and riddles, axiomatic work. Many manifestations of this type will seem robotic, have problems with social adaptation, social relationships, sexual relations and intimacy. Fears human contact, struggles with duty and jobs, washes his hands as often as he can, out of phobia concerned with sensations. Worried about the food he eats, wonders if something's healthy or not. Very inclined to hypochondriasis or immoderation; he doesn't know how much to eat, needs to rely on logic and systematization.

His deficiency Is human relationships, which sometimes results in uncertainty and sadness in emotional evaluations o other people. This becomes especially evident in unfamiliar circumstances. Watching others, he tries to understand what is accepted in this company, what is favored, and what is rejected. But he cannot always adapt to other people and to new social situations. He may be cheerful or sullen out of place. Due to his weakness in differentiating emotional nuances, representatives of this type often see people in black and white colors: good or bad, kind or unkind, friend or foe. They are also sometimes viewed as stubborn and hard to persuade. They cannot stand untruth and falsity, and can be very firm and solid like a rock in matters of principle to them. Some versions may have a lack of genuine identity - they do not know themselves, everything "depends". Context is always important, they need all the details and information. Would answer 'neutral' or 'I do not know many times if asked about his own personality and character. "I understand everything better than others" - some manifestations think too much of themselves, egomaniac, may argue about intelligence (IQ, mathematics etc) and demonstrate to people his intellect, "intellectual superiority", tries to correct people's illogical behaviour. He loves positive emotions of other people, as if they charged. Moves towards the reigning "most positive" emotions, positive emotions and avoid places of high concentration of negative. He dislikes situations of intrigue, scandal-mongering, since in such a situation can become a victim of their own. Therefore it is always bad refers to the "whispering a secret", seeing it as evil intentions. The relationship people always have to be open, honest, kind. Word about the relationship must always coincide with the chores, or - there is something wrong. Saying that you love a person - this has to be seen and, in fact, and if in fact it is not visible - it means it's not true. Very suspicious in regard to himself and others, suspecting some "zapodlo", even if it's some tiny little thing, already strives either immediately break off relations, or exclude a person from the number of "friends", relatives of people currently, reducing contact with him to a minimum. Therefore, it may sometimes be known as a traitor, finding those who belong to it better is out there and to relocate, considering it is a strong argument for changing the "range". It may become a victim of "sycophants".

[mangodestroyer]

Anyone else starting to think that maybe they don't have a "mental illness" or a "mental condition", but that they're actually just having a normal response to their environment?

I used to really identify with depression. As well as autism. They were things that a couple therapists suggested. And I used to find comfort in them because I thought they described my life experience pretty well.

And also, I used to be one of those people who got super into Psychology and started wondering if there was something very wrong with me. I started getting all "do I have this?" and "do I have that?" I also started getting super obsessed with "toxicity" and "working on myself." Thought that I was horrible and toxic for still being miserable at times and that I needed to "put in the work and sort out my problems" to... whatever magical point determines if you've actually "done the work."

It's because the advice is always about "looking inward" because "you're 100% in control of your emotions and responses to things. You can "do the work" to make things better!" Which isn't a bad thing to be aware of and practice, but this can be pretty dismissive and toxic to say about certain situations. But blaming outside factors is considered "toxic."

Um, yeah. I might actually be prone to feeling down at times. Feeling anxious. Having bad thoughts. And, well, autistic tendencies. But tbh, I think my environment has always greatly aggravated those problems. I mean, that's just a natural side effect of living in such a toxic environment where certain people go out of their way to make you miserable/disrespect you and your belongings. While other people shrug or even encourage them. Or being around people who ACTUALLY struggle with emotional regulation (getting super angry all the time, ALL THE TIME, and making it other people's problem; my mother loved to/still does use me as a therapist but doesn't care about my problems in the slightest, so I think that would be a source of misery for someone).

On top of that, isn't it normal for people to sometimes be awkward or overly analytical? Or to get super upset over dumb shit (i.e. misinterpreting a situation as you being left out and feeling under appreciated)? Or to get envious of others when they have something you've always wanted? Or to get super frustrated when dealing with a difficult individual?

I've been talking to irl people more and they don't actually seem to think I'm that abnormal/weird/toxic. Two people told me it's my environment and I need to get out, or at least, find some way to get away from it now and then. And also, people aren't put off by my "autism" either (seriously, I am diagnosed with a similar condition and ig could be on the spectrum, so I'm not trying to dismiss the diagnosis or anything, but I also don't think it's a social death sentence like I used to). I used to think it was scaring people off/causing bullying behaviors in others, but that's actually not true. Working through my trauma, however, has made me more confident and THAT'S making people approach me more. But being terminally online led me to fall down a weird Psychology rabbit hole where I started believing I was too weird, horrible, and neurotic.

It's also been proven that the way therapy is done, at least here in the U.S., just doesn't work. Keeping things surface level and promoting toxic positivity isn't going to help someone with some heavy problems (which is going to be most people in therapy). I think there's also a shaming factor to it (being considered toxic if you aren't always okay). Or just the extreme push with drugs (seriously, I can't even visit a doctors office these days, as someone who is anxious around medical professionals because of bad experiences, without getting anxiety drugs pushed on me!) I've never touch any of those drugs and I'm glad I stayed firm about not taking them. I was almost tempted to because of pressure (literally thought that I was too neurotic at one point and needed anti-psychotics). They just wouldn't have helped me. They would have just been like putting a band aid on a gaping wound. It's disturbing how many medical professionals and therapists will just jump to them within minutes of talking to you.

[mr-alvintino]

Journal Perspective

My outlook on success

Many individuals seek and strive for success each and everyday of their lives. Some achieve some struggle. But what exactly is achieving success? Is it financial gain, leadership, completion of education programs, job security, healthy lifestyle, Social Media likes and followers, etc. Personally I would argue that in fact it’s all the above. Whatever it is that you enjoy doing or encourages a positive self esteem success can and will come in many forms.

Today in this new age lifestyle many of us evaluate success based off of analytical data and somewhat only that. Now is that fair? Well this is where self esteem and self worth comes into play. Analytical data is both good and a bad thing. Why? On a positive note it provides a visual outlook on how well we as individuals accomplish things while providing an outlook on where and what areas we need to adjust or focus on. The negative side to this equation is that it sometimes discourages some of the few people in the world that suffer from low self esteem and or depression to either become frustratingly angry, sad, suicidal, or careless. This is not good for our environment, as a whole we are all talented and successful beings on or off paper.

Humans are entities of many talents and skills inherited naturally from God the all mighty (Mother Nature). It’s just that we as people have to know oneself figuring out our weaknesses and our strengths so that we are able to utilize both in our everyday life and surroundings. Not just knowing our weaknesses and strengths but exploiting them to our full potential for success and being able to appreciate ourselves for the weaknesses we have.

With the world revolving around mainstream media; humans became adaptable to pleasing others mainly for acceptance and popularity. As a race we have forgotten the basic rule to life which is Simplicity! Just by living a simple life, self worth and knowledge of self will come without effort. Allowing us to perform and pursue our goals with natural motivation and strong self esteem regardless of what our statistics or analytical data shows on paper.

Some habits or practices I like to incorporate into my life are meditating, reading, listening to music, solving puzzles, dancing, hiking, making music, and sketch art drawing. These activities remind me of all the amazing things (Mother Nature) has to offer. Although I do sometimes get distracted with stress developed from habits that do not stimulate growth, I now tend to embrace the stress created for that particular moment providing motivation & inspiration to be better and stronger one day at a time.

Success is within everybody.

Reach for it and achieve it!

Peace Love Blessings

Mario Alvintino

[hafanforever]

What is your top three favorite Frozen characters and why? 😊❄️💠💙

Glad someone has finally asked me!

Elsa - I have said before in an ask and in my essay “Heroine Addiction” that the main reason why Elsa is my favorite Frozen character is because I relate to her very well. We have the same personalities as intelligent, analytical, shy, realistic, reserved introverts, and we both have struggled with turmoil in our lives that has caused us to suffer from anxiety, depression, pessimism, and insecurity, sometimes to the point of giving up completely and feeling like hitting rock bottom. Although Meg and Belle are the other two heroines I feel I am like the most, I honestly cannot think of having seriously related to any other preexisting Disney characters before Elsa, so I have essentially found a kindred spirit in her. 😉😊❤️

Despite the turbulence she has endured from her traumatic childhood, through it all, Elsa is always portrayed as an extremely selfless, sacrificial, loving, benevolent person. In the beginning, she carries such a huge burden on her shoulders by having magical powers that no one can really help her master and making her unable to relate to other people. Yet Elsa continuously looks out for everyone else, be it her family, friends, the people in her kingdom, and even innocent strangers, by putting their needs and well-being before her own. I just love Elsa so much for being that way, and I will defend her to the end when people call her selfish and cold, and especially when they say she tried to murder the Duke’s bodyguards in cold blood!

Olaf - I love Olaf because of his excessive benevolence. Since he is the living embodiment of Anna and Elsa’s bond, Olaf embodies love, the ultimate and purest form of goodness. As a result, he has almost every kind of positive trait you can name: he is cheerful, loving, optimistic, gentle, kind, loyal, friendly, sweet, sympathetic, compassionate, and caring to anyone and everyone he meets. Despite his quirks and what flaws he does have, Olaf is essentially devoid of most typical negative traits humans possess. This may be because he has the mindset, including general innocence and naïveté, of a young child, since Elsa and Anna created him when they were children. Like I joked recently, Olaf is so benevolent that he doesn’t have a single bad or mean bone in his body. 😆

Among other things, Olaf is an incredibly funny character, and even his silly giggle never fails to make me laugh. 😉 However, in being the embodiment of the sisters’ love for one another, Olaf’s role in Frozen is far greater than that of the conventional sidekick or comic relief character. Sure, he is there to provide laughs sometimes (a clue to this is that his name phonetically sounds like “oh laugh”), but unlike most Disney sidekicks, he has a bigger purpose in the film than to simply make audiences laugh. Heck, don’t forget that Olaf came to Anna’s rescue by starting a fire before she could completely freeze to death after Hans had locked her in the library. He then comforted her and refused to leave her side, determined to help her find another true love act to save her (even though he knew doing so would make him melt). And finally, Olaf was the one who taught Anna what love really is.

Earlier, Olaf makes the comment, “I like to consider myself a love expert,” and while that initially seems like a joke or mere wisecrack on his part, he proves these words to be true. He correctly tells Anna that “Love is putting someone else’s needs before yours”, and he proves his love for her by staying by her side, even when he begins to melt, and simply says, “Some people are worth melting for.” These words help Anna understand that when you love someone so much, they are so important to you that they worth dying for. Ultimately, Olaf’s words and action are what motivate and inspire Anna to give her life to save Elsa when Hans attempts to murder her sister.

While some viewers and fans may find him annoying, I love Olaf and find him entirely endearing. I know I would love to have him as my best friend, and I would LOVE to give him a big warm hug! 😊❤️

Anna - As an introvert, I am so much like Elsa and almost nothing like Anna, the extrovert, so I think it makes it easier for me to side more with Elsa’s choices and actions over those of Anna, such as when Elsa forces Anna away after the latter stubbornly refuses to accept the former’s decision that they both cannot go to Ahtohallan. However, the main reason I love Anna is similar to why I love Cinderella: she has so much inner strength that allows her to never let the bad bring her down for long or forever. Whenever she faces adversity and negativity, including when she grows up feeling rejected by Elsa, Anna never gives up. She may be the younger sister, but she always looks out for Elsa and is very protective of her, even when they aren’t physically together. Anna’s inner strength allows her to remain kind, loving, loyal, faithful, selfless, optimistic, and hopeful throughout all hardships, and that is EXTREMELY difficult for many people to do when they face more bad things than good in life (like me 😔).

Anna’s optimistic nature makes her complement the realistic nature of both Kristoff and Elsa, and so she brings out the best in them, with Kristoff as her romantic partner and Elsa as her best friend. Since I am a lot like Elsa, and even quite a bit like Kristoff since he is also an introvert, I know an optimist like Anna would be the perfect match for me. 😉

I feel that Olaf would be the perfect best friend of all, but given that he shares a lot of personality traits with Anna, she qualifies as being a perfect best friend, too, especially for introverts like me, Elsa, and Kristoff. 😁😄😉

[ellana-ravenwood]

“I wish I knew how to help you” - Batsis x Batfamily

Synopsis : Everyone has tough times at some point in their lives. Bruce Wayne most definitely knows that. But when his own daughter is going through a really rough patch, he finds himself not really knowing how to fix things...

This particular subject has been requested so many times (the earliest request dating from August 2018....mmmm..), so watch me butcher it with bad writing. I thought, given how I feel lately, it was the perfect time to finally write it. I hope you will like it (runs away to hide) : 

TW : Anxiety, depression, mention of suicide. 

My Masterlist : @ella-ravenwood-archives. 

__________________________________________________

There hasn’t been a lot of time in his life where Bruce Wayne felt so completely lost. Of course, he would be lying if he was saying he never got confused, or if sometimes, he wasn’t quite sure what to do, what to say...

But if there was one thing he was great at, it was problem solving. 

Even in desperate situations, he could always trust his analytical and collected mind to help him out.

In fact, Bruce Wayne could count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times he felt utterly lost, defenseless, and couldn't figure out a solution to his troubles. Not even a questionable one, like bottling up all of his feelings and pretending he doesn’t care while he’s screaming and dying inside. 

He recollected exactly five times of such an event occurring in his life :

The day his parents died. 

The day he realized he couldn’t save everyone. 

The day Dick came to live at the Manor, and Bruce realized he had no idea how to raise a child. 

The day Jason died. 

The day he saw Damian kill. 

And now, spilling onto another hand : 

...The day he realized he had no idea how to help his daughter, you, with her mental health struggles. 

Each time he had been completely lost, there was someone to help him. 

For his parents’ death, it was Alfred. 

For the day he realized even as Batman he would never be able to save everyone ? It was Commissioner Gordon, and his years of being a cop in a city like Gotham. 

Dick himself, and Alfred of course, quickly helped Bruce to understand what it meant to be a father. 

Tim’s arrival helped him grieve Jason. 

And all his children, from Dick to Cass, and the experience he acquired trying to raise them helped him manage Damian’s problems. It was a plus for sure, that the boy wanted to be helped.

But with you...Any attempt of his trying to breach the subject would result in you brushing his concerns off, getting frustrated, or sighing “I’m fine” and leaving to isolate yourself in your room. 

Sometimes, it felt like you really wanted to talk to him. Like you wanted to vent, and tell him what was wrong. But you always seemed to decide against it, maybe in fear of bothering him ? 

Most of the time, it felt like you were living with your anxiety in peace. Like you greeted it like a good friend. Bruce had always known you were a rather stressed individual, but you always held yourself up so well ? 

Most of the time, it felt like you were perfectly fine. How could he have known ? How could he have known you weren’t ? Ah...but maybe the signs were all there all along...

And Bruce just didn’t know how to help, when even you, didn’t seem to want the help...But maybe that was the trick ? To keep trying no matter what ?

At first, it didn’t seem to him like this would be an issue that could render him absolutely lost like this. And he hated the fact that he thought that. 

Because it stemmed from one pervasive thought that made him despise himself : “Her fight with her own mind aren’t as bad as Damian’s, Cass’s, or Jason’s trauma. Aren’t like what Dick went through. It will be easier to fix.” And maybe you felt that, maybe that’s why you wouldn’t let him help ?

Why would it be easier anyway ? 

Because you had a calmer childhood. Of course, being Batman’s daughter meant you definitely went through things most children will never experience. But compared to your siblings, you had a somewhat normal childhood. 

The biggest trauma of it being the fact your mother, Selina Kyle (author’s note : I’m not particularly talking biological child here by the way, just to make sure y’all can all identify to this. Thought I’d mention it), decided to leave you in your dad’s care and had a very little part in your upbringing up until you turned 12 or so, which is the time she came back. You never seemed to even be mad about this. It always felt like you knew your mom had her own battles to win, that she wasn’t quite ready to have a child, and you forgave her as soon as she came back into your life. 

But maybe that was the problem ? The fact Bruce always thought you were strong enough to handle things ? You always seemed to hold your own. You’d always been fiercely independent. Like you never needed help.

When Dick had fits of anger, you’d just stay quiet and withhold it. 

When Jason was sometimes overzealous, you’d just stay calm and collected. 

When Tim had massive freak outs at times because he felt he wasn’t enough, you’d just reassure him and stay grounded. 

When Cass would have nightmare at night and be so scared she couldn’t find her voice again, you’d stay up with her and make sure to soothe her back to sleep, even if it meant not sleeping yourself. 

When Damian would realize how much he missed out in life, in his childhood, and how little he knew about the real world...You’d be there, holding his hand while explaining in details why he felt the way he felt. 

Even Duke, who arguably was the “sanest” of them all, had times where things were too much for him, and you’d magically appear by his side to help him through it. 

You always seemed to be the one everyone relied on. 

The one that has it all figured out, that has it together. The one most like Bruce, able to control her emotions. But the one even better than him, because you could also help others understand how they felt. 

And that was why Bruce never really noticed your every day struggles. 

Come to think of it, the fact you were always so on point and great in your explanations as to why someone felt the way they did, probably meant you felt like them before... 

Oh god. God, Bruce hated this. Hated himself, even. 

Hated the fact that he thought your fights with your own mind weren’t as bad as what Damian or Dick went through, as bad as Cass or Jason’s traumas.  As bad as Duke witnessing what happened to his parents, because you...Well you still had both of them. And they were on good terms, now.

He hated the fact that it took you almost dying for him to realize you had a real problem too. For him to realize your apparent “I can handle my own” attitude was all a fragile facade that could break any time. 

He hated the fact that he had to witness you almost letting yourself die, to realize this...The scene kept replaying in his mind. 

A night out as vigilantes. Part of a building collapsing. You pushing a woman out of its way, but then just staring up at the crumbling wall that would crush you, not moving. And the state of daze you were in, when you found yourself in your father’s arms as he saved you in extremis from a certain death that you were clearly letting happen. 

You later said it was a mistake. It was a simple mistake. 

But Bruce, from that point and on, knew better. There had been a time, not long after his parents’ death, where he wondered what even was the point in living anymore. Where he found himself in a similar situation too, where he could save himself and yet stayed in front of the death threat. Alfred saved him at the time, gave him a good scolding which Bruce didn’t even register. 

He recognize that look in your eyes. 

Because he had the same one, many years ago, before he had a chance at having a family again. Before you, Dick, Jason, Cass, Tim, Damian...It was a look that meant : “What if I just let it happen, what if I end the pain by ending it all ?”.

And Bruce hated the fact that it took him witnessing this look in your eyes for him to finally realize you needed help. It tore his heart apart.

He hated the fact it took him so long to finally act upon it, to finally do something for you. No matter how lost he was as to where to even begin. 

And so here he was, on a calm night in Gotham, sitting on a roof and researching on the internet what can be done to help people riddled with anxiety and such. He knew you enough to know you’d never accept to go see a therapist. But maybe...maybe he could help just as good ?

He knew how he got rid of his own anxiety. 

The same way he got rid of many other things...He submitted himself to a strict training allowing him to control all of his emotions, shutting some away when needed. 

But he couldn’t even imagine making you go through the things he made himself do. Not his daughter. Not any of his children. 

There was a reason, the training he gave all of you wasn’t even 10% of what he used to do. Because he had nothing to live for except becoming strong enough to bring back justice to Gotham. Because he had nothing to look forward to except the fact that he was going to make sure no kid in that god forsaken city would go through what he went through ever again... 

He gave himself the ability to turn into a machine. To shun all feelings away. Because he had a mission. 

He would never, ever want any of his children to feel like this. Even if he managed to, in appearance, make himself feel nothing...It would always cause him tremendous pain. He knew how this felt, to force yourself to control everything. 

No. His method was most definitely not fit for his daughter. He did not want her to become like him. And so, scrolling through forums, websites and blogs, he tried to find the best way he could to help his kiddo. It seems like there was almost like a “list” of things every person suffering from anxiety went through every day...  

Wondering if your loved ones are upset with you.

“Are you mad at me ?” 

Is the text you send to your oldest brother, Dick, immediately regretting it. 

Because now, you were sure he’d find you annoying, pushy or anything of the like. Of course, Dick would never. But your mind was telling you he would. 

He hadn’t responded to your text in a day, while he would usually be very reactive, and you didn’t need more to think he hated you, now. 

Knowing there is no reason for you to feel that way. 

Knowing for Dick to be “mad” at his little siblings, it would take a lot (you weren’t even sure you’ve ever seem him mad at any of you, except maybe the times you put yourselves in danger while he’s your team leader, but then it’s more a problem of being mad at himself than really at you. 

Yet you cannot control it. You cannot. You are sure now, that he hates you. 

Your father doesn’t understand why you’re so morose that day, and why you snap at everyone. He doesn’t understand, and you don’t tell him. And Bruce just ends up thinking you’re in a bad mood and leave you alone, while you desperately want to talk. 

You want to tell him that you think Dick hates you. You want to hear him reassure you, even if technically, there is no need for reassurance. Of course your brother doesn’t hate you, he’s probably just busy, he just started his new job in Bludhaven, and moved in a new apartment and...Yes. 

Rationally, of course you knew your brother, who has always been there and never shied away from saying he cared about you and love you, doesn’t hate you. 

Yet you cannot help but think you did something wrong. You cannot help but think maybe he does. And you want to tell your dad, and have him reassure you, even if you don’t need to. 

But instead, you snap at him. Instead, you push him away. Because you couldn’t handle your dad too thinking your annoying. Of course, he would think you’re annoying, a nuisance, if you told him you think Dick hates you...because obviously he doesn’t. 

It was a vicious circle. So instead of possibly-but-probably-not-but-still-maybe be hurt, you pushed the one person you wanted close away, snapping at him and isolating yourself in your room. 

TING ! Your phone, it’s ringing ! Oh please god, please be Dick ! 

It is your brother. He answered ! 

“Of course not ! Why would you think that ?” 

You analyze every single word, and how he didn’t use an emoji, while he always does ! And the way he said “why would you think that ?”...he’s for sure mad at you now, and he thinks you’re the most obnoxious little sister that ever walked this Earth. 

But you answer : 

“Oh no reason lol. Hey wanna binge watch Gilmore Girls with me this week end ? Only you understand how a true masterpiece this show is.” 

He doesn’t reply that day, and you think about it the entire night. He doesn’t come at the patrol of course, as again, he just settled in Bludhaven. And it starts. The spiraling of overwhelming feelings, the impossibility to let go of something. 

You cannot think of anything else but sending another text to ask if he’s really not mad at you. You decide against it, because you don’t want him to think you’re annoying. Because you understand he has his own life now. Now that he moved from the Manor. 

You understand he must be busy. That he has to settle in. That he doesn’t have to be available whenever you want, and that the fact he had always been up until now proved he was the best big brother anyone could ask for. 

But you can’t help it. You think it must be you. That he’s not answering because it’s you. 

And all of a sudden, you question every relationship you have. What if none of your siblings love you, and are just polite ? What if they’re lying because you’re really the only sibling out of all of you they don’t like and they’re just too nice to...Oh god. Your dad must hate you too. 

Because you keep needing him to reassure you about stuffs. Ah yes, today you shunned him away, but sometimes, you guilt trip him so he says he cares about you. Or so he tells you nice things. 

And suddenly, one of your biggest fear, the one where you ask for too much out of the people you love is back. And you cry. You cry all night. Because you have too many mood swings. You isolate yourself too much. But you don’t know, you don’t know how to make them see your fear of not being cared for...

And so you cry. Wondering over and over again “why am I like this ????” as you think all of your loved one are upset with you, and will never want to talk to you again. 

Later in the day, Dick answers that he would love to watch GG with you, and there’s an emoji this time. Ah. So maybe he doesn’t hate you...

So many people wouldn’t even think this was a big deal, but for you...for you, it was...

Every small decision feels like it has life or death consequences. 

You want to tell them. You want to tell them that’s why  you couldn't choose what you wanted at the drive through fast enough. Why you stumbled on your words, and ended up blurting out : “Whatever Jason took !” because your taste in food was the closest to his. 

You want to tell them, that even such a small issue, in your head, took a huge place. That you rehearsed what you were going to say when it would be your turn to speak to the waiter. That you got all tangled up, and didn’t ask what you actually wanted. 

You want to tell them that sometimes, even the smallest “yes or no” question haunts you for days. That “what ifs” won’t let you alone. 

You want to tell them, but instead you take the meal you didn’t really want, and eat it in silence, listening to everyone talking and enjoying this family moment. You stay quiet, your mind focus on how clumsy, dumb and useless you are. 

Just because you couldn’t order something at the drive through. 

You stay quiet, but your mind is racing about how much you suck. How you should get out of everyone’s way. Because you can’t even order food properly. 

You feel guilty, because this is one rare family moment when you’re all together, and your siblings all have fun teasing each others, laughing and talking, while you just nod sometimes, smile, and die inside. 

Just because you couldn’t order something at the drive through. 

You think you’re absolutely insane. That you should be checked in in Arkham. You-

Bruce notices you’re quieter than usual. He notices you didn’t take your favorite burger. He wonders why, because he knows you really REALLY like that burger. Sometimes, he goes out of his way to go get you guys’ favorite food, and he knows that this burger is one of yours...

But he doesn’t dwell on it. Maybe you just wanted to change for once (which wasn’t much like you but oh well). And the fact you’re quiet ? Maybe you’re just lost in your own thoughts and day dreaming. After all, you do like to have some quiet and alone time, and this family dinner is happening on this time. 

So Bruce doesn’t say anything, even if his guts tell him something is wrong. 

Overthinking. Fearing something could go wrong.

You are in constant fear of what's going to happen if and when something happens to your dad ! Or your siblings ! What if you become homeless for some reasons ? What if you have no friends or family to return to ? What if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if...

Intrusive thoughts, they call them. And they don’t want to leave for sure. They’re persistant. They stay up until you overthink them to the point nothing makes sense anymore. To the dissociation.

And it makes your every day life a living nightmare. 

Bruce, as he reads this part of an article on the internet, about how people suffering from anxiety are in a constant state of worry, feels his heart tighten at the mere idea you are going through this. 

He knows you are. And he hates the fact it took him so long to realize because...

Not being able to control what's happening now or in the future.

Bruce could recollect so many times where, even as a child, you’d ask him questions like : “What happens after you die ?”, “What will happen to me when I get old ?” etc etc. 

At the time, of course, he dismissed it as questions every kid asks. Wondering about the world around them. He never saw how much those questions would haunt you, how much sometimes, you couldn’t let go of things you perfectly knew you had no control over... 

The signs were all there though. 

You weren’t lost in day dreams, you were lost in nightmarish scenarios about what could possibly happen in the near future. 

You were, every minute of every day, worrying about something that was currently happening, something that happened recently, or something that might happen in the next few moment, later the same day or in the future.

It was something you had to live with, and it never been just a child curiosity. As you grow up you stopped asking those questions out loud, didn’t mean they weren’t haunting you... 

Making a mistake that will result in someone judging you.

You always had to be irreproachable. 

You were a perfectionist. 

A lot of time, people passed it as : “like father, like daughter.” 

And Bruce should’ve known better...Why was he like this ? This part of him certainly didn’t stem from anything good. Yet he ignored the fact you acted exactly like him. The fact you were turning into him, on that front...

My brain is a TV and someone else has the remote.

... ... ... ...

************

Bruce had enough. He knew. He knew how you felt, and why you acted the way you did sometimes. And it was time. It was time to finally take action. 

But he couldn’t do it alone. And he wouldn’t. In fact, they’d all be so mad, if he executed this plan on his own...

Because you. You were their precious sister. 

They loved you, so much. And it would kill them, if they knew you really meant it, when you asked if they were mad at you. If they hated you. If they...

They always think you’re joking, or that you’re tired or something. That you have “mood swings”. 

You don’t. 

For you, all those issues are very real. But they don’t understand, because you’re always there to catch them, and they never expected you needed to be caught. 

So when their father expose to them what he thinks is going on with them, and when they realize he’s right...

They feel crushed. 

How ? How could they not notice their beloved sister was suffering so much ? 

And so that day, they all swear that they are going to do everything in their power to help you. No matter what. 

They will never give up on you. 

No matter what..

************

“Why am I like this ? Why am I like this ? Why am I like this ?” You repeat to yourself, over and over again, as you feel your heart beat like crazy while it has no reason to. 

While your chest hurt, and you feel the weight of anxiety on your shoulder, without even knowing why. 

You keep telling yourself you suck, you keep being too harsh on yourself, and oh, oh if you only knew that your entire family right now, was plotting to help you feel better. 

Unfortunately...

************

Dick’s antics soothe you for a bit, but as soon as he’s gone your heart goes wild again, refusing to stop, and your mind repeats bad thoughts to you. 

The next day, Dick planned the PERFECT sister/brother day. Planning things to spend time with you, just like when you were little and it was just you and him. 

It’s a perfect day indeed. Everything makes you forget your anxiety. You smile, for the first time in months since this weird extreme anxious state started. 

Dick always knew how to make you laugh, and how to tease you just enough so that you wanted to show him what you were made of !

But once you’re home...

And Dick can try, try and try again, but no matter his effort, he can only relieve your pain when he’s around, and unfortunately, he isn’t always around. 

************

Jason is patient, with you. 

He listens, he empathizes and does not patronizes. 

He’s there when you need him. He celebrates every small victory from you (like finally being able to order the burger you want). He encourages you, gives you all the hope he can. And it means a lot, coming from him. 

Because Jason suffered a lot. He went through a lot. His death, and his traumatic return...

He tries to keep you hopeful. He is patient. Available. But he does things too well. You’re afraid he spends too much time with you, and forgets his own mental health. You know he loves to meditate, but haven’t seen him do it in ages. 

Because he’s also keeping an eye on you. Your father probably told him the crumbling building debacle...And now he makes sure you’re ok. 

But to the detriment of his own mental well being ?

You feel like you’re weighting him down. And slowly, he notices you’re avoiding him. And he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to push you, or force you to do anything...

************

It has always been easy, to talk to Tim. 

Your brother is the only one in the family that did not become a Robin for personal reasons. Sure, he was struck with tragedy later in life (or he would never be your brother now...), but at the core of it...He was just a kid who wanted to help. 

He was a fan of Batman, who really REALLY wanted to make himself useful. He became Robin, not because of any personal motivation but because he was just that selfless. 

And so, it has always been easy to talk to Tim. 

Which is why he’s surprised, when he realizes you’ve never told him about your anxiety. About your depressed thoughts. You vent a lot to him, but about small things. About things you can both laugh about. 

It has always been easy to talk to Tim, and the fact you cannot address your anxiety problems tells him all the extent of it. 

Tells him you’re truly suffering, and that he needs to get better. 

To become an even better listener, for you. And as you witness him, just like Jason, sort of forgetting about his own well being, you cannot help but feel even worst...

They mean well. They mean so well. But you cannot stand them putting their own health on the line just for you. After all, you’re just a loser who doesn’t deserve any of those wonderful brothers and sister...

************

Duke tries to help you “temper your thoughts”. 

His mom used to do that to him, as a child. He was always rather active, suffering from ADHD and such. In a lot of ways, his trouble resembled the ones you had with anxiety. 

And he thought that maybe, helping you tempering your thoughts would be the best. 

What does that even mean ? Well. Whenever he felt like you were anxious about something, scared or stressed, he would ask you if you were alright up until you’d finally tell him what was making you anxious. 

And then he’d ask you the series of question his mom asked : “What’s the worst that can happen ? What’s the best that can happen ? What’s most realistic, or likely ?”...At first you didn’t really understand the point. 

But soon enough, you got it. This was helping you turning your intrusive thoughts against themselves. Helping you see the good sides of things. 

Unfortunately, just like with Dick’s technique of making you laugh and such, when Duke wasn’t around to remind you to consider the best, worst and most likely option...you forgot that trick. 

************

"Let’s go to a quieter place, or go for a walk.” 

Cassandra tells you, whenever she sees you get overwhelmed by something. And it works. It does. 

You two just walk in silence, hand in hand. 

Your sister’s presence reassuring, and warm. Her care for you sipping out of her very being, from her hand to yours. 

“Let’s go to a quieter place, or for a walk.” 

You go outside, and you don’t speak. She’s just here for you. 

But she can’t always be around, can she ? She can’t always just magically appear next to you in moments of need, and say :

“Let’s go to a quieter place, or for a walk.” 

But when she can. She does. 

She knows when you get overwhelmed by sounds, by smells, by anything. And she brings you to places that makes you feel at peace. 

Cassandra was never one to speak a lot, but she always understood.

************

Damian can’t help but feel sad that he, and the rest of the family, aren’t enough for you to feel better. That they can’t win against your depression and anxiety, no matter how hard they try. 

And Damian. Oh Damian tries. 

He makes sure you have everything you need. He makes sure to be there when it feels like you’re not feeling well, he follows you like a shadow and...

You both get more and more frustrated. 

Damian puts a lot of effort into making you feel better, and you keep snapping at him, or pushing him away. 

It’s because YOU’RE the big sister. YOU’RE the one who’s supposed to take care of him. But it seems like lately, Damian is obsessed with your well being, and he doesn’t even let you tuck him in anymore...He’s the one that comes tuck you in. 

And deep down, you feel like it’s exactly what you need. You want to let your baby brother take care of you. And his worries are so sweet, and makes you feel all warm inside by how adorable this kid can be. How far he came back from. 

Deep down. 

But you’re not ready to admit you need help. Especially not from your 11 years old brother. No. He’s the one that needs the cuddles and the reassuring words. He’s the one that had it way tougher than you. And him taking care of you, although it feels nice, doesn’t feel right. 

And it hurts, to see your little brother get sad because he can’t help you like he wants to. Because he thinks he’s not enough for you, and that’s why you’re feeling the way you are...

************

Nothing goes how they think it was going to go. 

You do not get better right away. It doesn’t even feel like you’re getting better at all. On the contrary. 

It feels like you push them away even more, that you become even more irritable, that...that...that you go further and further away from them. 

And they don’t understand. 

Even you, don’t understand. 

Why do you feel so bad ? So Sad ? So anxious all the time ? 

You don’t know. You don’t know. You don’t know. 

“Why am I like this ? Why am I like this ? Why am I like this ?!” 

You repeat this to yourself every day, without being able to find an answer. 

And Bruce...Oh, your father came to the conclusion that the last and only option is that you need to go to therapy, you need professional help. 

************

“What ? Why ? I’m fine dad !” 

You say, anger pointing in your voice, as he tells you that. 

“No you’re not, (Y/N). We can all see it. And there’s so much we can do we...I...”

There’s a silence. A heavy one. And it breaks Bruce’s heart, to see tears welling up at the corner of your eyes : 

“It’s fine. I get it. I’m too much, aren’t I ? That’s why right ? I ruin you guys’ life ? You know, I noticed a shift not long ago. I know you’re trying to make me feel better, and I know you all get frustrated because you can’t. I swear I try dad. I swear I try to not get those bad thoughts. To not think you don’t love me, for whatever reason. To not think like I’m a burden. I swear I try to not be anxious. I try to not worry, about every little thing. I try so hard ok ?! But it doesn’t work ! And I know it’s wearing all of you down. I know it. But...I’m...It’ll be fine ! IT’LL BE FINE !!” 

You scream those last few words, and a silence installs itself between you and your father. 

Bruce just looks at you, and you cannot stand the pained look in his eyes. You never wanted your burden to transfer on your family like that...why ? Why did you get worst and made them notice you weren’t ok ? Why ? 

Maybe it would’ve been better, if your dad didn’t see you about to get crush by this building, and hadn’t saved you. They’d have a-

“I won’t stop trying.” 

Your father’s voice cuts your terrible thought, and you look up at him. He walked slowly to you, carefully, as if afraid to scare you. As if afraid you’re gonna “tt” him, and run to lock yourself in your room. 

But for some reason, you don’t move. And you let him come close. 

He brushes a few fingers on your cheek, as he used to when you were a child and unable to sleep. Him softly humming to you and brushing your cheeks slowly always made you fall right asleep...

“Until you feel better. And I will tell you over and over again that I love you and that I am here for you, if it’s what you need. I am your dad. I am here for you.” 

And he understands your pain oh too well. It’s not because he managed to be able to shut his own mental health problems out, that he never feels them. 

You are your father’s daughter. Unfortunately in that case. 

Oh. Oh he wishes he could take on your pain. He could take on his shoulders your entire burden. He wishes it was only him, that felt that way. That you would never, ever feel anxiety, or depression again. 

He knows it is not that easy. He understands. 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Something breaks inside you. Something that was on the verge of shattering for years, but snapped only now. 

“I just...I just wish I could help you. I just wish I knew how. I am trying too, (Y/N). And I won’t give up on you. No matter what you think. I will never give up on you.” 

Those words. Those were so simple. Yet what you needed to hear for so long.  

Because no matter your siblings’ effort, or Alfred’s, or your dad’s. Your friends at the Young Justice. Anyone you ever cared for...You always were afraid that one day, you’d be too much for them. 

That one day, all your mood swings, pushing them away, venting and complaining often...would be too much. And that they’d leave you. 

Alone forever. 

“I’m not giving up on you.” 

Coming from your dad. You knew he said the truth. You knew. 

There’s a short silence. You look at your father, and even Queen Anxiety couldn’t make you think he wasn’t being genuine. 

“You...That’s...I...”

Getting chocked up, you weren’t able to say anything, but he understood. 

And he was there to catch you. You went right into his arms, and he held you tight, trying to convey to you all the unconditional love he has and will always have for you, no matter what. 

No matter how much you push him away, how broken you get, how much you hate yourself and think you don’t deserve any kind of love...he’d always, ALWAYS love you. And would never give up. 

“I’m here. I’m here. I will always be here.” 

His voice was soothing. It has always been soothing. And he was there. 

He was there. 

“Thank you...”

You manage to whimper out, as he holds you against his heart. 

And, finding it hard to reign his own emotions in (his children have always been the only ones who could cross all his walls and find the vulnerable Bruce who feels everything), Bruce repeated as much as you needed to hear that he was here. 

He would always be here for you. 

Always..

And the path to your recovery was now open.

__________________________________________________

Here we are. I am sorry if this is sort of...bluargh. Or not what you wanted. But I do hope you liked it. Haha I feel like this story is so ridiculous...I guess this feeling is in the theme eh..........Maybe it’s also because as usual, I wrote very late into the night, and sleep deprivation always make me feel like I do stupid things. Write terrible stuffs. 

Reblogs and feedbacks are always welcomed ?

Haha. Convincing. 

See you soon with another story, much lighter than this one for sure haha... 

[oh-boy-me]

sooooo.... noodle my doodle... whatcha think about those birth dates they just released, hm?

So birthdays mean sun signs and I’m guessing that’s why you’re interested 👀

Jo-kun is luckily interested in astrology and knows more than I do, so we talked about it a bit heheh

Also we haven’t talked about ANY birthdays/zodiacs so we’ll throw in the demon bros as well below the cut~

And keep in mind that astrology is just for fun, and these characters are up to individual interpretation, so you may have ideas that differ from ours and that’s fine!  Additionally, none of this is meant to be a criticism or attack on people who share these signs, since just because you share one sign with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re similar people.

Edit: I forgot to explicitly clarify, but the moon and rising signs assigned are just headcanons, as there’s no way to know those without an exact birth time and place

Briefly, here are what tend to be considered the general, unifying traits of the elements as sun signs, so that we don’t have to repeat ourselves by constantly saying Taurus act like an earth sign.  (Summaries courtesy of Jo)

FIRE (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) Dedicated, Enthusiastic, Passionate, Visionary EARTH (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) Clingy, Grounded, Reliable, Practical AIR (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) Intellectual, Quick, Analytical, Sociable WATER (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) Sensitive, Emotional, Easily Influenced, Intuitive

Diavolo (10/31 - Scorpio ♏️)

We will, briefly, dear reader, pretend that Diavolo’s birth date has nothing to do with Halloween.  A magnetic personality with a firm control over his surroundings (with the aide of his position as royalty), this water sign is as intuitive as they come.

Witty, free-spirited, and innately curious, even when his decisions seem immature, Diavolo allows his two sides (royal duties and childish ideals) to merge together nicely in the way that a Gemini moon would.  He’s an optimist with a zesty personality, but also knows when to be serious, so a Sagittarius rising would make sense.

Barbatos (8/22 - Leo [Virgo Cusp] ♌️[ ♍️])

Being born the day before the switch, Barbatos holds the Leo qualities of being loyal and generous, but the Virgo qualities of being logical and hard working. He can be unreasonable and critical at times, but his regal personality offsets the sting to most of his words.

He’s a harmony seeker and a team player, though those who aren’t on his side will be off put, so a Libra moon works for him.  His organizational skills, coupled with his skills as a natural caretaker, often leads to others seeking out his advice should they find themselves in trouble, which suggests Virgo as his rising sign.

Simeon (2/10 - Aquarius ♒️)

Friendly yet detached, Simeon shows all qualities of an air sign, but with a flare for curiosity. His eccentricities and tendency to not give up either draw you to him, or away.

He’s slow to anger and shows his devotion by fostering his relationships over a long period of time.  However, this makes it hard for him to let go of past relationships, so a Taurus moon would make sense.  And as we’ve seen from his directing, he has high expectations for both himself and others, and while he's often quite mature, it also makes him aloof, so a Capricorn rising can work. 

Luke (7/15 - Cancer ♋️)

All the traits of a water sign are very visible, and Luke's caring and loyal nature, along with his ability to hold a grudge, be clingy, and seek security, cement his spot as a Cancer.

Luke often finds himself with no choice but to fully embraces his emotional state, and if not careful can fall into egocentric defenses, so the emotional fire sign Leo would work as his moon sign.  Idealistic yet sensitive to the truth, he can come off as impractical, so we can see Pisces as his rising sign.

Solomon (12/9 - Sagittarius ♐️)

A seeker of freedom and a philosopher of sorts, the fire signs traits are certainly well honed for his pursuit of knowledge and power, though this can be seen as reckless and/or tactless.

He prefers witty and light banter over a deep conversation about emotions, which may be because he struggles to actually conceptualize them into words, so a Gemini moon would make sense.  His circumstances (natural caution towards others, responsibilities, and being the only other human) means he ends up hiding what he's really thinking underneath a calm facade, resembling a Scorpio rising.

Lucifer (6/6 - Gemini ♊️)

So Lucifer’s birthday is 6/6 because of 666.  That is why.  But ignoring that, he has his “two sides,” his business side and his fun side, and they never overlap.  He fits the general air sign qualities well, and he's clever and witty in a dry way.  However, he's also capable of being moody and restless, and can be immature in his reactions. 

For his moon sign, we can see him as an Aries, as he’s quick to anger, but cools down easily too, and is very assertive.  On the surface, he’s mature, organized, and expects a lot, so he seems like a rising Capricorn.

Mammon (9/10 - Virgo ♍️)

Mammon is an interesting case, because he does fit many Virgo traits, but he has to care for them to show.  He’s hard-working, surprisingly logical and observant, and incredibly innovative.  He also worries, has trouble staying still, and always wants more.

He’s also very emotionally mature and nurturing as a result, but is quite fragile and can be overbearing, so a Cancer moon makes sense.  On the surface, he is instinctual, with a loud presence, and asks forgiveness instead of permission, so he seems like a rising Aries.

Leviathan (4/9 - Aries ♈️)

Temperamental and reckless, yet endearingly audacious, he represents all the qualities of a fire sign.  Levi is passionate and VERY intense about those passions.  He also gets very defensive, and is quick to lash out the moment he so much as perceives an attack.

For some reason, his potential other signs were pretty hard to think of!  We can see a Leo moon, since he trends towards leadership roles in his comfort zone, and can be a bossy drama queen, though he’s also very loyal.  On the surface, he very much does his own thing, so he could be a rising Aquarius.  (Which, yes, would mean that the sea serpent has no primary water signs.)

Satan (10/20 - Libra ♎️)

Charming and diplomatic, Satan appears even-tempered most of the time, however, he's also quite superficial and tends to seek approval from others inadvertently. He shows obvious signs of typical qualities of an air sign.

A social climber of sorts, he tends to shut down his emotions, which ends up repressing them, leading to his wrathful outbursts, making him a good Capricorn moon.  He’s pleasant on the surface, putting his relationships over his true feelings, so he seems like a rising Libra.

Asmodeus (5/15 - Taurus ♉️)

Sensuous, determined, and a lover of beauty, Asmo is as steadfast as any other Earth sign. While greedy for attention and beauty products, his unyielding attitude towards his goals can be considered admirable.

He tends to wane poetic about his emotions, even if it ends up being a bit much. And while he can be very unselfish about his desires, it means he sometimes ends up his own worst enemy, so a Pisces moon would make sense.  On the surface, he's confident, dramatic, and attention-grabbing, but this can also make him demanding.  Leo would be a good rising sign for him.

Beelzebub + Belphegor (3/11 - Pisces ♓️)

They're both emotional, like most water signs, but they're expressed in different ways. Beelzebub is empathetically intuitive while Belphegor tends to be more compassionate. Both of them can be easily influenced to becomes depressed, and can become stubborn when it comes to the things they believe.

Beel is conflict avoidant and seeks balance in his family, staying as diplomatic and cooperative as he can, so a Libra moon would make sense.  On the surface, he comes across as strong willed, dependable, and a little bit of a hedonist, so a Taurus rising would work.

Belphie leans more towards hiding his intentions, and those intentions are often scheming or petty, so he could be a Scorpio moon.  He’s also guarded and quiet around those outside of his circle, so Scorpio would once again work as his rising.

So to summarize (cute little chart courtesy of Jo)

[alch3mic]

in between. (drabble series)

chapter four (stitches.)

captain!sans x gender neutral reader. 3k+ word count.

please be advised for themes of anxiety, ideas of loss, depression, and self esteem.

* finally at the fourth chapter with our dear fellswap sans, captain! he also has no official fic yet but has his own tag here on my tumblr if you’d like to know more about him! thank you and i hope you enjoy!

A project. 

That's all this was meant to be.

Something to keep him preoccupied in his free time, now that he seemed to have more time on his hands than he knew what to do with.

Somewhere to put his focus, instead of thinking about things.

Instead of stressing about things.

Instead of.. worrying about.. 'things'.

Like this.. 'thing'.. attached to him.

...

"ya can't just keep pacin' around bro."

Sure he could. 

He could pace around as much as he wanted. It was his boat dammit, and he'd walk around it as he pleased, from the bow to the stern, topside and back.  

"Shouldn't you be resting?"

No. 

How could he? There was work to be done.

All his life he had filled himself with his work. It was all he knew.

Work.

Work.

Work 

Work.

Work 

From his time as a child, working to take care of his younger brother to ensure he was brought up properly to his time in the royal guard working hard every day to support them and make sure they both survived that horrid Underground. Even on the surface he worked and worked and worked, to regain his position as a monster worthy of fear and respect after the humans had stripped them of everything and leaving them to rot like strays on the street.

Every minute of every day he worked.

Most days he even dreamed of it.

Which is exactly why it was so difficult to sit still, even at your request.

"You really should just take it easy, Sans. Didn't Undyne say to not stress yourself out?"

She did, but it didn't matter. 

He was in a constant state of being stressed. 

Stressed was how he operated. 

Stressed was all he knew. 

His body could never give him the pleasure of just 'taking it easy', constantly buzzing, constantly wanting to be in motion. At times he envied his brother for being able to let things go and just kick back, but... that was exactly why he worked so hard wasn't it? 

So that his brother could relax without a worry in that thick skull of his..? 

Of course.. he knew Papyrus went through his own troubles.. it's just...

Gah.

This free time was now filling his head with unnecessary thoughts, even as he tried his best to busy himself by patrolling his own boat.

..Which was only adding to his stress...

"Lets try a hobby. What do you normally do for fun?"

Think of you. 

Well.. 

He didn't have to now that you were here with him.

He could just spend time with you instead of daydreaming about it.

And he did.

You humored him by relaxing together topside with him and Papyrus, enjoying the salty breezes of the ocean and the warm summer rays. The two of you would chat in his bed for hours, laughing and telling stories of the past as you laid close. You'd help him, by offering an arm when he wore himself out or when he needed help doing something that required two hands. Everything from opening jars to preparing dinner or even tying his shoes.

It was..

Ah, dammit it was so humiliating.

..And also made him strangely happy?

He was.. happily humiliated? 

..Humbled?

..Stars.

He never had anyone taken care of him before, so his pride was taking a major blow every time you offered to help. A part of him was glad you'd always ask first so he'd at least get to attempt at doing it by himself but.. it was also humiliating to give in. He was too stubborn for his own good, never having anyone extend a hand for him neither below ground or on the Surface.

Still you never seemed bothered. 

You never batted an eye when he'd turn to you. Sometimes all it took was a look from him and you just knew, without having any words be spoke. Having that kind of connection was.. 

Incredible. 

It had been something the both of you had obviously over the years, but only now it was showing itself in the mundane parts of your lives now that you were with him. Normally it had been when you locked eyes in a fight in the streets of Ebott, and he could see the whole encounter play out in his mind. How you'd swing, how he'd shoot. How you both would nearly hit each other both on purpose and on accident. 

Like a dance with death only the two of you could perform. 

And how beautifully you danced for him..

Now.. having that connection manifest positively, in quiet agreements and silent conversations that took only seconds to have, really drove home the fact that times have changed.

That he was no longer the skeleton he was before.

He had you now, which was different. 

You were his. 

And he was yours. 

Though.. in truth you always had a part of soul with you even if you never realized it.

And he always had Papyrus by his side. 

That could never change.

But now.. he also had..

That.

The 'thing'.

An arm. 

That.. didn't belong to him.

It was attached, sure, but..

It was foreign. 

Heavy. 

A burden. 

It was consequences of his actions taken form of something that use to be, but no longer was. Like a cruel symbol of mockery, forever attached to his own broken body. There was nothing but the tickling of a sensation of pain, like a phantom dancing across his bones, from a limb that was no longer there. The magic in his scapula hummed louder than the rest of his body, always catching his attention as it had been enhanced to support the weight of his new arm. It was irritating and constant, like a buzz he couldn't be rid of no matter how loud his thoughts were or tried to be.

Always there.

Always ringing in his skull.

It was driving him crazy, adding to the mounting stress.

"FOR FUN? EASY. TRAP MAKING. ANALYTICS. READING THE STOCKS AND NEWS."

"Well that's depressing."

"STAYING INFORMED IS IMPORTANT, DARLING."

"And so is your mental health, Sans. Ignoring this won't make it go away you know."

The metallic hand closed on a reflex when he felt your gaze upon it. 

He didn't like it, despite how incredible Undyne's work was. She had studied him for weeks while he recovered in her intensive care, all so she could make an exact replica of his now missing arm. It looked just like the real thing only casted in asatollite, a type of metal found in the Underground that could conduct magic. No wires. No heavy plating. Just an arm, moved by his own magic.

An impressive feat really, but he felt no pride in this.

..Only shame.

As someone who had lived their life known for cutting it close time and time again, this was now all the proof someone needed that they could actually lay their hands on him. There was a chance that someone could hit and do some serious damage. 

For some, that would be enough to push their determination over the edge. 

The proof that he couldn't dodge forever.

And here it was, glinting under the soft afternoon sunlight that filtered into his quarters.

This... was his decline wasn't it?

..He could feel it in his bones.

Here marked the end of his reign of terror as Captain, the scarred skeleton who ruled the docks of Ebott City with an iron fist. Now that once unrelenting grip which strangled the life of rats out of the marine failed to even grasp a pen properly.

It stung in such a strange way that he almost didn't know how to describe it.

It was a unsightly fall from grace, paired with happiness and misery.

He was muddled with complicated feelings that really didn't have proper words, and so instead of spending his days thinking about it while lying in bed, he paced around his ship. 

"Is there anything you've ever wanted to learn?"

He only learned what was necessary. 

Languages to properly communicate with associates, skills like learning to shoot with a gun so that he could avoid having his magic traced back to him, and cooking so he could make sustainable meals when he and Papyrus had nothing..

They weren't things he did for fun, they were necessary.

What else could he learn that was necessary?

"HOW ABOUT TEACHING ME TO CUT A BULLET LIKE YOU DID BACK IN THE 'SISCO EXCHANGE."

"I'm not teaching you that."

"AND WHY'S THAT?"

"I don't need to make you any more dangerous than you already are you bonehead. I meant something fun! Like.. maybe a sport?"

"I THROW DARTS. I ALSO SHOOT."

"I.. Okay I guess that counts," you said, glancing to the wall of his quarters where the board was set up.

It's true it was a dart board hanging on the wall, but it was littered with photos of thugs and politicians, a dart neatly nailed through their head. It honestly looked like more of an omen of things to come rather than a hobby.

"Anything else?"

...

"I PLAYED THE VIOLIN FOR A SHORT WHILE."

"You did?"

"YES. BACK IN THE UNDERGROUND. I FOUND ONE IN THE DUMP AND TAUGHT MYSELF TO PLAY WHEN I DISCOVERED PAPYRUS LIKED THE WAY IT SOUNDED. IT WOULD HELP PUT HIM TO SLEEP ON SOME OF THE ROUGHER NIGHTS."

"Aww. Maybe you could think about picking it back up. I'd love to hear you play!"

He would, eventually. 

For right now.. the task seemed so daunting now that he had.. 

...That.

"..But maybe not yet."

Another silent conversation, passed by only the glint in his eyesocket. Once again he was glad he didn't have to openly admit he might struggle with learning something like that again but.. a small pass of shame also washed over him. He'd love to play for you, to maybe even create his own music to reflect the feelings you gave him in his soul, but to move this metallic.. 'thing'.. to play would be..

He'd become frustrated, just like with everything else.

"AND WHAT DO YOU DO TO RELAX MY DEAR?"

"Me? I usually sew or knit."

Right. Costumes. That’s why you asked to have your own space in that free room on the ship. You had mentioned it once before, how you use to do costuming back in the day for plays and helped your father who worked as a tailor until...

Hm.

"YOU SELL YOUR PIECES DON'T YOU?"

"Just to a few people. I make dresses for Mr. Rose's granddaughter and Rumpelstiltskin still orders some pieces for his wife. I also send some more elaborate stuff the Prince's way every once in awhile and I even still get requests from Mama Bear even after they disappeared off into the forest. I think they might finally have a Baby Bear on the way because they asked about knitting a little blanket a few days ago."

...

He.. tried to not humor the thought of just sailing away from this city with you, like that lucky bastard did with his spouse when he took off into the woods. Of course he couldn't, he knew Papyrus would stay here with Happy and he'd never want to be far from his brother. 

Still...

It was a tempting idea.

"I could always teach you. It's a pretty good skill to just learn how to hand stitch to mend clothing and it really isn't too complicated."

He relented ...of course. 

Because he always did to you, with that smile on your face and the hum in your tone. 

.....

Learning from you had been everything he hoped for, with you sitting close to him as you taught him how to thread a needle. You were patient with him as he struggled, his hand shaking as he did his best to will his magic to move. You were gentle as you taught him to stitch carefully and slowly, following along side as you guided him every step of the way.

...He'll never forget the way you laughed at his first pass though. 

He had been so damn.. angry! 

Really, you had the nerve to laugh even when he did his best! 

You were the worst, which is why exactly he had to pin you down and tickle you until you couldn't breathe. At least he could use that wretched metal arm to press your hands above your head as you desperately tried to wrestle out of his hold until you were flushed and gasping for breath.

His next attempt was alone late at night, when even the stars on the deck above couldn't quell his thoughts. They ran wild in his head, stampeding and thrashing about.

At his failures. 

At his mistakes.

At the humming in his shoulder and the arm that ached despite not being there. So he tried to not think about it as he quietly threaded the needle under the dim yellow lights in his quarters. The quiet creak and groan of the boat was his only accompaniment along your soft breathing from the bed as you peacefully slumbered away.

In and out.

In and out.

In and out.

He timed his stitches with your breaths, pushing the needle through the felt and then back again as he sewed the two pieces of scrap fabric together. It was strange how difficult this was, willing his fingers to move while simply pushing and pulling a needle. His jaw would tense as his hand shook at times and failed to grasp the needle, and then he'd hear you let out a sigh and he'd relax again.

In and out.

In and out.

In and out.

Until the stitch was done.

Until he hushed the wild thoughts in his head and put his stress to bed.

Until he could no longer deny himself your company and he'd fall back to your side, finally delving into the depths of sleep.

He spent many days and nights like this, a fire ignited in his soul to hear your praise the first time.

"Seems like your stitched are getting tighter. Nice work there, Cap."

That was all he needed.

Your words. Your smile. The exigent that reflected in your beautiful eyes. You were proud of him, and it made him work all the harder as he sat with you in the room you had taken for your sewing. This place had been your sanctuary, something he once avoided entering to at least give you a little room for yourself on the ship, but now he found reassurance in it as well.

The whir of your sewing machine had become a comfort, able to drown out the buzz in his head as he worked beside you. Soft colorful fabrics lined the shelves in the wall and a half finished dress would decorate a mannequin or two. The both of you would drink coffee and chit chat as he tried to get lost in the motions of hand stitching pieces of scrap fabric together. 

He didn't want to constantly strain himself to move his arm.

He wanted it to be natural.

He wanted to use his hand without a second thought.

He wanted it to be like..

How it use to be.

But it could.. never really be like it use to be. 

And he struggled and struggled and struggled.

In the weeks that had dragged by, both you and Papyrus had picked up small gigs to help patch the hole his injury was leaving. 

Sans was... or had been.. the bread maker. 

He always prided himself on providing by running the docks, able to keep his rather lavish lifestyle alive by delivering cargo from overseas to sellers like the Fell brothers and the other croons of this city, but the two of you had insisted on him resting, so his businesses and trades had all but halted.

You were still far off from ever putting a dent in his savings, but the two of you worked regardless to ease his stress. 

..Because somehow, even having the back up funds prepared for events like this, didn't stop Sans from stressing.

The only part that annoyed him about it was that you had less time to teach him. You focused more on your commissions, so Sans would leave you in peace to your quiet room and stitch in his quarters.

He hadn't really decided what he wanted to work towards from stitching. It had simply become a tool to help train his fingers, so now that he could sew what was he suppose to do with the skill?

...

....

.....

It was a quiet afternoon in his quarters, the low hum of a forgotten radio on his desk as a deep voice rattled off the daily news mixed with a garble of static. Being so far out into the marine meant the reception wasn't good, but he could pick up key terms as the voice drawled on. Another murder on the west side, some more fights in the south and some re-election news. Not like it mattered who was in charge these days. The faces changed but at the end of the day these suits always lined their pockets with bloodied dollar bills. This city was rotted to it's core, just like it's people, and it'd stay that way until it was burned to the ground.

Sans' eyelights drifted down to the book in front of him.

'Stuffed Plushies For Beginners!'

The title almost felt condescending, just like the colorful pictures and simple wording that decorated each page. He still couldn't help but twist his frown deeper at the fact that you bought him a children's book of all things, paired with that sharp little grin of yours and that infectious laugher. It had been too much.. Which is why he snatched the damn thing out of your hands when you gave it to him. 

"To help decide what you want to do with your new skill! Maybe you can finally make something instead of just stitching scraps together you dork."

He would never turn down a challenge, especially from you, and he was eager to have your approval again.

"AND WHAT EXATLY SHOULD I SEW?"

"Just pick something you're interested in and sew it. They have a lot of animals in there! You do at least like one kind of animal, don't you?"

Dogs, because they were loyal.

Cats, because they could fend for themselves.

Birds, because of their freedom.

But making something based of them didn't quite appeal to Sans.

'Basic Plushie Pattern.'

...

"hey bro, i wanted to ask- oh my stars."

"AH-!" Sans inhaled, squeezing the doll in his grasp and nearly tearing at it with his claws. "YOU-! WOULD YOU KNOCK!?"

"you actually made a plushie of them. wow," his brother hummed, "and here i thought your obsession couldn't get any wo-"

WHOOMPH.

The pillow made direct contact with Papyrus' face, earning a laugh from the taller skeleton. Sans barked out a few more insults as his brother continued to giggle, admiring what he had finished so far. 

It.. looked like crap.

Some of the stitches were lopsided and others weren't uniform, but he wanted to see this through before his frustrations got the better of him. So with some encouragement from Papyrus he kept at it, finishing the body and then attaching the head.

"Pahahaha! Captain!"

"WHAT!?"

"You! Ehehe! You-! Of.. of me!"

"LOOK, JUST TELL ME IT'S TERRIBLE SO I CAN BE RID OF THE ACURSED THING ALRIGHT?"

"No! No. Absolutely not! I'm keeping this forever and you can never take it away from me!"

He gritted his teeth and attempted to wrestle the doll from your grasp but to no avail. You hugged it close and refused to relent, calling it precious and a testament to his efforts.

All of his hard work.. 

To a doll..

That looked like you.

"Are you going to make one of you?" you asked, letting out a few breaths as he finally gave up trying to grab the doll from your grasp.

"AND WHY WOULD I DO THAT?"

"Well I don't want them to be lonely."

...

How could he... ever argue with that.

So begrudgingly he sewed again, this time now more aware than ever of that 'thing' as it worked meticulously to create a replicate of itself. The doll's left arm, sewn together with a deep gray metallic fabric, now shared the same shame he did.

...

Strangely enough, it suited him.

...

"They look cute together."

"ONE ON THE RIGHT HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS."

"I still think he's pretty cute. He's trying his best, after all."

Well.. he certainly couldn't argue with that either.

[sword-brainrot]

Hi! I'm sending this match up request for a friend, if that's ok! Heyyyyyy! Requests are open again, yay! :D I’m so happy to see more Touken Ranbu blogs!! \(O v O)/ I go by Qwerty/she/they, and boy am I bad at summarizing myself! So I’m going to try to include both pros and cons to my personality as best I can! I’m pretty smol, fiery, passionate, and VERY loud unfortunately. Sass and sarcasm are my first languages; if there’s an opportunity to joke and tease I’m not skipping out on it. I’m kind of a pseudo-extrovert. A natural cheerleader since I come off very bubbly, prepared with a pep talk every hour of the day, and I’m never afraid to greet someone with a warm smile or conversation. I’m typically the counselor of my friend group(s), even if I’m a bit blunt with telling them the tough truths. However, I do tend to be shy and reserved on the inside until I truly grow comfortable around someone, at least when it’s one on one. When I do, I turn into a complete goofball and you can’t get me to shut up about anything lol. At parties I’ll surprisingly talk to anyone, but I’m chalking that up to liquid courage (but I DO love social drinking because of it lol). Despite being playful 90% out of the time, I do have my serious moments. I like to study international politics, history, culture, you name it, which inevitably leads to being stressed/depressed about humanity lol. I can be temperamental enough as it is, so throwing world struggles on top of that is a bit of a gamble some days. You never know when I’m going to hole myself up because I’m irate, or if I’m going to drown you in tears. But I’m fiercely compassionate, so I’d rather learn as much as possible and try to change things for the better. UNFORTUNATELY, this also comes off as being combative and opinionated sometimes. :’D (Which is TOTALLY valid criticism lol.) I make sure my piece is fully expressed and understood, that’s all! On that note, I do prioritize taking perspective on issues or any situation before coming to a conclusion because at the end of the day I just want to understand. I’m analytical to the core.

As for other little tidbits like hobbies, singing (classically trained, baby!), drawing, and DEFINITELY gaming tend to be my top pastimes (ok and sleeping). I love the outdoors, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not indoors more than anything. Still, I could waste hours laying outside somewhere just zoning out on the sky. Put me near any body of water--ESPECIALLY the ocean--and I’ll stare at the water all day. Rainy or stormy days are top tier in my book. Snow is welcome too; winter is best season! ANIMALS GIVE ME A REASON TO LIVE, AND CATS ESPECIALLY MAKE ME CRY. I work with cats and dogs ok, they’re a huge part of who I am. I’m like a Disney princess when it comes to animals, they just always take to me easily. What I look for in a guy is...just as difficult to summarize, so I’ll leave that to your best judgement lol. As long as they’re more patient than I am, they can handle my more tempestuous days, AND STILL LIKE ME SOMEHOW, then it’s all good. Like, I suffer from mental illness, it’s kind of a requirement to be patient and empathetic lol. I agree with your views on the tantous; baby-faces are babies, and the others are just cursed with petite stature. I’M SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG, BUT THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR WONDERFUL WRITING AND EVEN CONSIDERING THIS MATCH UP!! <3

I loved how much detail you put into this! It really helped me think of who would work best! Thank you so much for the compliment and requesting!!

I Match You With...

🌸 Nihongou 🌸

♡  Picking between the three was very difficult because I could see cases for all of them to bond really well with you since you seem like a very excitable and likeable person that could get the three of them to warm up to you quickly.

♡  In the end, I picked Nihongou for a few reasons!

♡  Nihongou would be very interested in you after you start showing your different sides to your character besides the original shy and reserved part. At first Nihongou would just talk to you when spoken to. After he sees you more energetic and talkative, you caught his interest. 

♡  Nihongou is someone who is kind and loves his alcohol. He would gladly drink with you, especially since you are such a social drinker and those are his favorite people to drink with. He is very similar to you in that regard! Nihongou isn’t a quiet man but he is someone who doesn’t get as loud and as enthusiastic as he does when he is drinking.

♡  The two of you would drink until dawn if the citadel would allow it. Laughter filling the room and the two not even remembering what the other just said to make them laugh this hard. It’s enjoyable that Nihongou finds that you are his favorite person to drink with. 

♡  Nihongou is someone who would go out of his way to stick by people he cares about and be that strong shoulder for them. He can be sassy and teasing at times but he knows the time and place for that. If you are ever angry and need to yell, Nihongou is getting the booze and nodding along to listen to all your woes so you feel better. 

♡  As kind as Nihongou is, he isn’t afraid of speaking his mind. If you are overreacting to the point of making the situation worse, he is going to tell you. He won’t hold any punches when laying down the truth. That being said, he wouldn’t do that just because you vented to him once. He knows that sometimes people just need to get it off their chest before their mind is clear and they can fix it themselves.

♡  By this point, he surely believes he has you figured out. You are shy and reserved at first but once alcohol comes in and you are more comfortable, you are excitable and loud. 

♡  That is, until you keep showing more sides to yourself. When you show off your knowledge and show how you can take charge in command, he is stunned. How could such a happy go lucky person be so charismatic and intelligent? 

♡  And then the next minute you are upset because you care so much about the world?

♡  Just... Wow. He is enamored. Each time he believes he has you all figured out, you keep surprising him. Which makes him just want to be around you more... something he has not felt in a long time... or if ever. 

♡  Nihongou may be kind and sociable, but there is much more to him than that. 

♡  He is rather pessimistic, to be frank. Appearing before you in the citadel, he thought to himself that you were just another master and a new one that didn’t know what they were doing yet. He would simple do his orders and not care for you since life is ever fleeting. 

♡  He didn’t give you his whole respect from the start but wasn’t exactly rude about it either. Perhaps off hand comments about his pessimism with not thinking the citadel would last this long. 

♡  As he gets to know you, he learns to respect you more and more. Realizing that he judged you way too fast before he even knew you as a person. 

♡  He wants to continue to be by your side and learn about every little thing about you. The strengths and flaws. 

♡  The day you debate with him over something will get under his skin slightly but also.. intrigue him. Never before had he fight with a master like that before and he realized that even when the two of you fight over something, he wants to keep coming back. He wants to see how far you will go and be there with you. 

♡  Every hobby? He is there at least to try it once or just to make you happy. 

♡  Any hobby that you have where he can show off to you, he will. 

♡  He goes from a pessimistic guy that was just humoring your orders to someone to learns to respect you as a sage and learns to love everything about you. From only being there because he had to, to wanting to be there because he loved you. 

Top Three Picks: Ookurikara, Fudou Yukimitsu, Nihongou

[sako-mii]

hello! can i request a matchup for haikyuu, if your requests are open?

i’m bi and go by she/they pronouns. i’m 5”5 with long wavy platinum blonde hair with bangs, dark green eyes, fair skin and a slim thick figure.

people see me as arrogant or intimidating by start, because i’m pretty blunt and i don’t really care much about people’s opinion. i’m very adventurous, pretty laid back, crack jokes and like letting loose. but i’m also very mature, analytical and quick-witted. i’m very observant, loyal to my friends and give great advice, even if my actions are questionable and i seem obnoxious and my words come out harsh. my friends also see me as the personal bully, out of affection, a huge petty tease and very mischievous, call me a chaotic neutral.

i’m a virgo and intj and my favourite colour is purple. i daydream a bit and like to question the universe, theories and existence. i'm optimistic, competitive, not really quick to judge someone and hope for the best in people. i struggle with depression and insomnia. my aesthetic or fashion style is something like 70’s, mid 90’s and dark fairy core.

i love travelling, horror, philosophy, astronomy, animals, music (indie and rock mostly), video games, plants and nature, fashion, cooking, chess and physical activities.

thank you for reading and i hope you have a great day 💜

I'll assign you...

Kuroo Tetsuro

You transferred to nekoma high and the teacher assigned Kuroo to you so he can lead you around the school and also help you catch up with some school work.

You gave a few remarks here and there when he was walking you around school. He was kinda taken back but he seemed to like your feisty nature. He thought it was interesting

You two grew close and made jokes all the time. He also introduced you to his friend kenma who was more interested in his video game than you but Kuroo made him talk to you a bit. You thought he's like a cat

Kuroo invited you to his volleyball practice one day and you were kinda interested so you accepted. When you entered the hall , all guys were looking at you as if you're the first female they ever saw. (They thought you were their new manager <\3)

You watched them practice their volleyball game but your eyes were mainly focused on Kuroo. How he makes the team work together, makes strategies with them and also having little arguments with the so called "demon senpai"

You really liked him. He hangs out with you a lot and would make you laugh when you feel down. He would also give you sometimes soft pats.

You confessed when you were walking home with him, and he was more than happy that you liked him that way too. When you reached your home he gave you a quick peck on the head before walking away.

On your first date he took you to a concert of your favourite band (You can decide which) .

You couldn't see the stage clearly because the people started to crowd in front of you. Kuroo noticed you getting upset and put you on his shoulder for the rest of the concert.

You were worried that he might get tired and asked him to put you down but he refused telling you that you're light as a feather and that he's having fun. In the end you two had a lot of fun.

He loves giving you kisses and hugs. He'd mostly give you those short yet soft kisses.

Would let you wear his club jacket because he thinks you look cute in it.

He would also sometimes snuggle up with you and stroke your head so you can rest.

When you're feeling down , he would listen if you want to talk about it. And if not, he would be there by your side until you feel better.

Would invite you to his matches, he gets happy when he sees you in the audience cheering for him, giving him some sort of confidence boost.

When he feels down, you would cheer him up by telling him he's the best and how great he is.

When he feels better, he would hug you and say how glad he is to have met you

You two would also have study sessions with the others and tell them to get better. (They somehow get motivated when you tell them to)

Enjoy your new realm, that's where you'll stay now

Please take care of yourself and rest too. I hope you get better. Have a nice day/night too ❤️