#and then it all just sort of HITS
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starting to think that life is all about love
#actually though#I’ve been thinking so much about the way that I am#(or honesty the way that all human beings are. i don’t know that it’s particular to me)#but my heart is cold so much of the time. and there’s just this big distance between me and the things I should care about#and some of that is my analytical side and some of that is sometimes depression and sometimes it’s just human nature I suspect!#but i think so much about love as a choice. and it IS and it has to be when love isn’t something you can feel at will#and I’ve been thinking about the cold and rules-based relationship I have with God#the daily check-ins. the checked boxes. the given offering. and the lack of warmth behind it#and sometimes it’s just. man. that’s what conversion IS#the transforming of that into love. love that is warm and giving and that is my motive for moving forward#and I know those steps and check-ins and prayers and offerings are important#but I know they’re not the heart#and sometimes I see that I can’t create the warmth in me that I need#i can’t generate it#and then it all just sort of HITS#that I need to be thawed! that I am cold and distanced and uninterested and forgetful#and that I’ll never be any different until God draws closer and closer. until I can feel and understand the warmth#with which I am already loved! and held in being#and I know and believe it intellectually and most of the time I have nothing to give in return#definitely nothing emotionally#but if I WERE to. it would only be because I was thawed. because I was cracked open like an egg to use another metaphor#it would only be because Love that was greater than me would thaw out my cold cold little heart#and idk. I’m rambling and also missing big connecting pieces between these thoughts#but sometimes it hits me that the POINT of life is for that Love to change me so that I can love in response#and the actions are important because they keep me on the path. but it’s only about keeping myself in the place where the warmth of the love#of God can blast through me and change me#and that HASN’t happened. I am still cold and selfish and forgetful#but sometimes I know that that is what it is supposed to be#and it’ll probably take my whole life#but the point is: it isn’t about a scorecard or my analysis. it’s about love. it’s about love!
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two new critters just dropped
#mirabelle is some sort of bunny mouse pika sheep thingy. and isabeau is like a bird with paws. its ok it doesnt have to make sense#theyre critters :) thingies that can fit in ur pocket#brin was organising sprites for the wiki and describing them as various gatherings of animals (bunnies and cockatoos) and by god i had to#so. fresh critters for u all#i'll make the others some day too. inspo just has to hit first#i dont think i'll spoiler mark this one bc its just silly au playing with my tuoys animals yay yippee smol time :)#isat critters#isat#in stars and time#isat mirabelle#isat isabeau#isat loop#my art
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genuinely i think it's important for adults, especially in the plague times, to play pretend in our day-to-day lives. when i rub my back down with tiger balm so i can sleep without pain, i imagine i am a valiant knight tending to an old injury i received from a dragon. when i go to the store to pick up eggs and milk, i am a lone cowboy riding into town on a mission. when i turn my collar up against the wind i am a femme fatale who's killed 4 husbands and is scoping out a 5th. when i stomp around in the snow i am a doomed polar explorer. if being a little bit silly about my walk to the pharmacy helps me remember that life can be full of joy and whimsy, then so be it.
#this is a pointless text post#my most embarrassing version of this is that whenever it was foggy at the lighthouse i imagined i was emily bronte#or that i was taking a walk in the fog with my good friend emily bronte :^)#so much of this is also tied into the fact that my body hurts all the goddamn time#i am trying to make my pain something i can live with#is this gonna be how i learn that normal people don't daydream about being In The Past#anyway do u guys imagine these sort of scenarios too or am i just a freak#greatest (s)hits
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sad: falling out of a hyperfixation
tragic: watching your beloved friends and mutuals fall out of the hyperfixation while you're still in it
#oughhhhhhh#this is about the dca fandom but also about every other strong fixation ive had over the years lol#i know it's normal and inevitable esp for less popular works or minor characters with little canon content#and there's nothing wrong with smaller communities of course those rock#but there’s just something special about getting into something at the same time as a lot of other people all at once#and existing in this chaotic fandom space that's just bursting with creativity and passion#i've been in fandom spaces for as long as some of you have been alive and i've only come across that sort of unbridled joy like#a handful of times at best#it's just a heartbreaking feeling to see real lightning in a jar fandoms like that wither away as people drift away#(understandably so!)#anyway don't mind me i'm just having thoughts#musing about fandoms past as well#that i too eventually moved on from but remember fondly even if im not active in anymore#also my music just aint hitting right so im just sitting in silence which makes me more Contemplative(tm)
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I see a lot of people in the Mouthwashing tag frequently listing 'keeping Curly alive' in the list of crimes Jimmy has done, implying or sometimes outright saying that not mercy-killing Curly was a cruel and unusual act...and would like to caution against that.
There's a long history of abled people deciding someone's quality of life is too horrible to merit letting them live (usually to nonverbal or otherwise 'low functioning' people lacking a clear means to communicate) and condoning the murder of disabled people under the guise of kindness. Curly is an extreme example, and one could argue he might prefer to be 'put out of his misery,' but it's important to note that we don't know, no one asks, and there's no attempt to communicate either which way.
How extreme pain and 'low quality of life' are handled are very nuanced and complicated topics, but you can never decide for someone else what kind of life isn't 'worth living.' Curly is obviously a videogame character, but these attitudes can and do affect the lives of real people & are worth being aware of.
#I say this as a disabled person who has heard ''I could never live if [condition] happened to me'' and claims my life was over#and all sorts of shit that made me think everyone would jump at the chance to put me down like a sick dog#just hits close to home so wanted to type a gentle word of caution#there's also a lot to be said about the history of disability rights and how DNRs have been used to purge us in hospitals#but i won't get into all of that for a fandom post#idk if i wrote this out well bc I'm trying not to get too In My Feelings about it but. yea#sometimes people deal with exceuciating pain & disability but would still very much like to live thank you#Mouthwashing
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Hmmmm.... yk what I was thinking of a few days ago? Carrots, carrots are good for your body and help regulates your blood pressure. I love carrots so much, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I always thought hye sun or any sun rays looked like carrots, like get one ray and then put a small heart-shaped green paper cut-out above it, then I'm fully convinced its a carrot I might as well be convinced even without the paper cut-out. Nom, nom.
ough that's such a cute idea, i had to doodle it real quick
💚🥕 carrot boy sun 🥕💚
#ask the crab#fnaf sun#fnaf moon#fnaf dca#dca fandom#Have You Eaten? AU#Sun Have You Eaten? AU#Moon Have You Eaten? AU#crab art#digital art#bright colours#possible halloween costume? 🤔#just change them to red hearts and he's got an outfit for valentines day too#i imagine Sun's used to Moon decorating his rays#they used to do this all the time in the daycare#gotta doodle silly things to beat artblock into submission#i've been busy with work lately so i haven't been drawing#and whenever i take a break from drawing it's easy for me to hit a sort of artblock#like i lose momentum and i either have to take a break or find some way to build it back up#but i'm also trying to adopt a faster doodling style
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this too is poetry
#simmons#grif#no big boy tags except for#grimmons#rvb#but most is just for my sorting..#if nobody gets this ill do something#im not even gonna explain it. itll hit you when its ready#i cried over grimmons for an hour and all i got was this lame mspaint poetry
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i made a comic about the new update
#flight rising#frfanart#<--sort of it's all official fr art. i just put words on it#sketch comics#these are both scries i hit random on until they looked halfway decent. btw
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this might be controversial, but man am i becoming increasingly convinced that buddie trutherism* is just not (and probably never has been) a very healthy way to engage with this show. *to be clear, by this i don't mean shipping buddie, or hoping it'll be canon, or thinking that it could be, i mean the completely unshakeable belief that it is absolutely going to happen (and to a lesser extent that it's always been the plan).
every single piece of evidence for buddie is evidence of a potential, often very compelling potential, but there is really nothing to suggest some big six season plan or any plan at all.
i'm sure a lot of these ppl (maybe even most) aren't bad, or doing anything out of malice. however, i do think having a large chunk of the fandom make post after post, week after week, season after season going "don't worry guys, buddie's definitely happening because of x, y or z," has helped create the current environment. where ppl have spent so long in a bubble where buddie's been presented as the only reasonable outcome, that they can't conceive of the idea they might've been wrong.
atp a lot of buddie meta isn't a queer reading of the show/relationship it's just straight up lies. no tommy isn't a miserable hater who never smiles at his bf, nor is he a predatory freak preying on sweet baby bi buck, and no eddie wasn't jealous at the wedding, no buck didn't realise he was in love with eddie when he came out to him. truly, after a decade in different fandoms, I don't think i've ever seen shipping goggles this bad.
again i don't think the ppl making meta/analysis about things that genuinely have some queer subtext to them are bad or doing anything wrong. but, when a narrative that you're contributing to is feeding into this much wider ecosystem that's influencing others to harass ppl and peddle homophobic dog whistles in an attempt to bridge the gap between their fanon and canon, at what point do you step back and go, "you know what, i don't think it's responsible for me to feed into this anymore."
and i worry that even the people who aren't hurting others with this kind of engagement, are gonna end up hurting themselves in the long run.
#ngl until s7 i sort of thought we were all just having fun#like when i'd see essay length metas about buck and eddie's shirt colours or w/e i thought that was just for the love of it#i didn't realise some of y'all thought the writers were actually leaving hidden messages in the fridge magnets#this was sitting in my drafts and i wasn't gonna post it but then the daddy issues discourse hit and my god has it worn my patience thin#ftr this is why y'all will never see another piece of gay eddie spec from me ever again. it feels like adding fuel to a fire atp#911 abc#911 discourse#anti buddie#antibuddie#bucktommy#911 spoilers#lmfao apparently this was my 3000th post
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And when OPLA calls back to Zeff telling the crew to read stories to Zoro so he can hear their voices and recover faster, by having Sanji sit by his bedside on Thriller Bark and read him a book about the All Blue. What will you do then?
#literally the scene of Nami reading Zoro Noland’s book at the Baratie is my favorite addition#cause East Blue Nami is so damn prideful so seeing her do something that seems silly-#(reading to someone who isn’t listening)#-is such a fun way to mark her progress as a character#I can see her being the one to remind Sanji of Zeff’s advice and the act of reading to Zoro being a way to process the sort of.#hit to his pride and even self-perception that is Zoro’s interference in Thriller Bark.#why did Zoro stop him? Why would Zoro want to die in his place? Choose his dream instead of his own?#(maybe because he knew that sitting by your friend’s still body- helpless- is the worst feeling in the world)#Aside from this though I can specifically see the book being about the All Blue working#cause its a reminder about what a wonderful dream Sanji has. It’s a way to regain vigor and the willingness to fight for it#after having just tried to discard it in the face of Kuma moments prior. Specially know that he knows Zoro is fighting for it too#matt owens are you out there. please#opla#one piece#roronoa zoro#blackleg sanji#opla spoilers#for like future seasons that may or may not even happen#my post#zosan
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Why do you think did Curly let Jimmy go before the crash? I've seen the theory Curly briefly thought about crashing too but didn't expect Jimmy to go through with it
I generally believe it was shock and a bit of denial.
It’s the sort of thing where Curly knew Jimmy enough to know he blows up at things but he never would’ve expected him to go through with something so crazy. He gives Jimmy way too much benefit. It’s just his nature and the dynamics he has with Jimmy. They have a stable relationship as friends but it’s stabilized by the unhealthy toxic aspects that keep him in it. He’s like this with Anya, taking the gun is something he really shouldn’t have kept off the record, so is Swansea’s feigned hostility toward Daisuke. He doesn’t want to get people in trouble and doesn’t want to believe anyone would cause trouble other than to themselves. He’s a very lenient man.
I think the words were hollow in his head. Said but not really meant like all the times Jimmy lashes out and says something cruel to him or others. He never means it, if he did why would he still be Curly’s friend? Curly’s head wasn’t in the right space in that moment, he just got through panicking with Anya and if the sound design is anything to go by, was panicked and preoccupied going to confront Jimmy. I mean, the flash of the warning signs before he runs back are identical to the dissociative episode of sort he has when going to talk to Jimmy to do his Psyc eval.
There is this sort of assumption in fanon that Curly was the idealic person for the job and simply failed. None of them were the idealic people to be there, it’s Curly’s entire concern with the ladder he chose. I see more interpretations of him being purposefully ignorant where I see him as just always looking the wrong way or not in a place where he can see it. There’s something different about seeing something than being told about it in the human mind. It may just be the psych student in me but Curly def has some sort of cognitive dissonance just like Jimmy but when it comes to his role as a Captain vs who he is.
They blur in his head to where if you ask him if he was acting as a Captain or a friend or himself to his crew he couldn’t answer. Not with confidence even if he did. There are many times we see that Curly himself is not in the right headspace to lead the Tulpar and that’s outside of anything with Jimmy. He’s spacey, he’s not sleeping, he’s deeply unhappy with himself and life. It’s why there’s believability he crashed the ship. Maybe the others saw it, or maybe Jimmy heard enough of it to spin it in a way that made Curly seem suicidally depressed.
So the tdlr is I think it wasn’t so much letting Jimmy go, more so not seeing the severity of what he was allowing to transpire. In his mind it’s just another one of Jimmy’s bluffs, cruel words, off words but just words. Jimmy rarely ever acts, why would he now? Maybe he’s never seen it because Jimmy hides those actions? Either way, he just never thought he’d really do it.
#like curly is also not mentally well like if I were to rank worst mental health before the crash#I’d go Jimmy then curly then Anya then Daisuke then Swansea#he clearly dissociates and goes on auto pilot often enough Anya is picking up on it#he never thinks about himself and is very easily talked down to by his crew I mean even Swansea is overly#snippy with him for the professional relationship they have and his closest confidant is fuckin Jimmy#mix this with the fact the last time they likely talked outside of work stuff was the party like I don’t think he was in a good headspace to#be making critical decisions in this situation like it’s not an excuse for not taking more action towards Jimmy but it’s a factor that is#often left out of the mix. cuz either Jimmy just wasn’t doing copilot stuff or he was in the cock pit being distant and cold and likely#setting off those sort of bells in Curly’s head where he should be placating him like he likely did back on earth but he can cause#jimmy’s not over it I mean I can only imagine those three missing days were very awkward and anxiety filled for all the crew members some#more than others but yeah it think it’s mostly him just not really absorbing anything until it all hits after Jimmy steers the ship like#he’s just a little fucked in the head like again not an excuse but it is another reason on top of pragmatism#ask#anon#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#captain curly#curly mouthwashing
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Turns out Sunlit Trail isn't quite done just yet, so after all that they just send you to a dead end 😂
#rain world#comic#rw chasing wind#sunlit Trail#Hunter#Art#Chasing wind spoilers#I can't imagine anyone filters that tag but just in case sksksks#ANYWAYS turns out mod is way better than I expected and it's super well made.#So far made the trip as hunter (first time) then riv and now working on arti.#For arti I realized that howling rifts led to sub and sub led to dar shore so I was like sweet! A shortcut!#Now imagine for a sec trying to get through a parkcore + miros bird gauntlet with a corpse and a worm within 5 cycles#before the scav ran out of karma and you were stuck inside forever. Yeah#Besides that tho I've been messing around and been very tenderly modding the game.#Turns out you can have a bit of fun with most sprites without too much effort by simply cloning the MSC mod in your files#Then changing the copy's mod info so it doesn't clash and simply swapping images out for whatever you want#As long as you have the sprite name you can do this. You can also change region names and decals and music all sorts of stuff.#In short I've been brewing a custom mod for a friend to make her suffer as much as possible <3#Thanks to a buddy on the rw server for showing me that trick btw lol. The best cesspool I've ever participated in#Oh before I forget- the symbol on CW's head is completely made up. They just looked so... Bald.#Tbh I wasn't expecting their personality to be so... bright? Most interpretations make them kinda solemn and gloomy#But nah this CW is what NSH should've been 100%. I like them. Not gonna spoil too much but their situation is somehow so... chill.#Still bad tho!#Other fun news! There's a scammer going around on discord that's basically like ''bad news I reported you for fraud''#And they're getting a lot of people. My buddy that owned my home server got hit and we lost everything. It's all OK tho nobody was hurt#I keep trying to ask them questions on my alts but they're ignoring me... I kinda wanna bait them into doing the scam with me#to see how far I get before they catch on 😜#Wasting a scammer's time is never a waste of time#Ah I had more to say but I reached my tag max. Till next time- hopefully my animation project will be done by then!
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more of the Miitopia 3DS promo/default Miis! it's always a good idea to have a pop star with you when you have a chef! (that way, the chef can Spicy Dish twice >:D)
cat, cleric, mage, and warrior
#miis#mii#miitopia#miitopia fanart#miitopia pop star#miitopia chef#miitopia idol#miitopia hugo#miitopia anna#miitopia promo miis#mr pop star's face makes me smile :)#i know everyone likes to harp on pop stars for using Love Song all the time#but I always saw it as them telling the party “no matter what happens I love you all”#sort of like “this might be our last battle. i need to tell you that the bonds we share mean the whole world to me. just in case...”#of course Miitopia isn't that serious though#on another note the chef is my favorite job#they have such a silly walk#and the sound the pan makes when the chef hits an enemy is so satisfying#my art#my gifs#gifs
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Tim: alcohol is cool! but have you ever had someone care about you?
Dick: ...
Tim: me neither :D pass the bottle!
#tim drake#dick grayson#pushing my hc that tim did all sorts of drugs and deadly alcohol mixes because coffee just didnt hit no more#red robin#nightwing#dc comics#batman#cw alcohol#headcanon#incorrect quotes
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literally got the idea for this au randomly during math class
#guys my math class just hits different I draw all sorts of stuff in that class#asl magical realm au#asl brothers#portgas d ace#one piece ace#ace one piece#revolutionary sabo#sabo one piece#one piece sabo#monkey d luffy#one piece luffy#luffy one piece#one piece#AudrinArt#to think that this was originally going to be a kobylu au woah
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New headcanon.
That Diluc and Crepus are alike in a lot of ways and I get the impression that Crepus also lived vicariously through Diluc in terms of “I couldn’t be a knight so you go do that” even if he may have had some reservations with the Knights himself but wouldn’t wanna alienate them because of his kids or because of business reasons.
That Crepus and Varka have a begrudging mutual respect for each other but do not agree with each other’s tactics.
Crepus, like later Diluc, finds the knights inefficient. That he was working to bring down the Fatui in his own way secretly. There is some underground vigilante anti-Fatui group that Diluc later joined because he has contacts in Mond when he gets back.
Diluc is a kid and delluded into thinking the Knights are perfect and Crepus doesn’t wanna crush his dreams.
Then reality happens.
That Diluc has noticed some corruption already and has his reservations and annoyances. That that night was his final straw. That he’s relieved to be out of the Knights but feels like he let his father down but also has a weird feeling that he did the right thing by him.
And that he later learns more about the underground efforts and just how stupid the knights are being and that diplomacy doesn’t solve everything.
But he doesn’t wanna alienate them too much because of his begrudging respect for Kaeya.
And also he’s annoyed and slightly jealous that Kaeya took his position.
He secretly wishes Kaeya would leave but if he told Kaeya everything he knows it would destroy him. Or he just wouldn’t listen.
Or that Kaeya does know and wants to change things from the inside.
Or he stays because he thinks that’s what Crepus wanted and actually sees Diluc as disrespecting their father’s wishes.
Or Kaeya stays because the knights treated HIM well, and he doesn’t have any other family left. They ARE his family. His dad abandoned him and he doesn’t know where his mom is (if shes alive). If he has other siblings they’re probably working for the Order. His adoptive dad died and his adoptive brother views him as a pushover for staying perhaps.) Let’s also not forget that Kaeya was probably pressured into doing whatever he was forced to do as a kid as being an heir to the Abyss Order basically. He probably doesn’t know HOW to say no or stand up against institutional injustice. Anything is better than where he came from. So he mostly just distances himself from the Knights by hunting treasure hoarders for fun and gathering intel because his position is literally useless.
I also think Jean’s hands are tied because she’s also barely legal and has too much pressure and is probably going off some some handbook and can’t reorganize things too much to not piss of Varka when he gets back. Plus they’re short-staffed. It’s very likely Varka groomed Jean in some way to succeed him and just put way too much pressure on this kid so now all she knows is how to work. Yeah I don’t like Varka lol.
For Kaeya it’s like “don’t bite the hand that feeds”. Kaeya leaving the knights would lose him EVERYTHING and he cannot risk that. There’s also a real chance that Varka knows about his past and if he leaves, he would become a target due to him being potentially dangerous.
It’s just a big mess all around and Ragbros+Jean are dysfunctional adults that had unrealistic pressures put on them as kids.
#pressure#Ragbros#Jean#Genshin#kaeya#Diluc#Crepus#Varka#bad parenting lol#let kids be kids#Crepus meant well but don’t do that#crap hit the fan#literally none of them know how to adult properly#they are literally high functioning but close to a complete breakdown#Jean has some sort of ocd#Diluc is def autistic and left his dream job because injustice#kaeya literalkt uses alcohol to cope like that’s not healthy bro#seriously Mondstandt needs a therapist#no a bunch of nuns don’t count#Amber would make a good therapist actually#she’s so bubbly and sweet#but also seems like she could listen to peoples problems#and she lost her grandfather too so she gets it#seriously where tf is Varka#bro you can’t take all the horses#guy is sus#Varka and captitano are the same person jk#but dude is either involved in some Fatui shit or just lets them do whatever#he’s getting bribed#or incomptient
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