mangodestroyer

[mangodestroyer]

[mangodestroyer]

I'm in the hundreds range.

I think about that often. I don't think I've ever had a class with so many people in it.

Something I found on Twitter that really puts things in perspective as a creator.

[mangodestroyer]

"The hyperfixation I have for Good Omens is not THAT bad" I say, as I frantically try to find a specific Good Omens ASMR video that helped me with my insomnia throughout my senior year

(I think it's been deleted but I'm not going to sleep until I find it again)

[mangodestroyer]

Ugh, I'm going through it right now. I'm a very autistic individual who leans heavily into the part of the spectrum that is repetitive, obsessive, and intensely hyperfixates on things. No matter what I do to try and be mindful of it, this seems to cause a lot of social difficulties, so I'm going to vent through characters.

We all know Aziraphale loves books and has been granted many centuries to collect and enjoy them. His knowledge pertaining to all things literature is quite advanced. He likely comes to some obscure, out-of-the-box conclusions about these books as a result.

Do you think he struggles to find people who are as enthusiastic about literature as he is? Do you think people take serious issue with the way he engages with this interest? Find his takes on his favorite books arrogant, strange, or plain wrong?

Dealing with this right now, as someone who has Aziraphale energy for their hyperfixations. Mine is more STEM-based (so, like, actually useful for once too), and people are just NOT vibing! No matter what I do to manage it, or just not talk about it, people are bothered. Whether I engage in discussions in my courses or not, my peers make it obvious they're annoyed with me and sometimes try to "put me in my place." So tired of this...

[mangodestroyer]

To add to my last post, I guess I also don't understand why hyperfixations are considered annoying. I don't think there's anything strange about the way I engage with my interests. Tbh, I can't imagine life without intense interests.

But I basically just got told I don't have a life because of how much I enjoy what I study. By someone who is "autism informed and suspects they might have it themselves."

I'm not so sure I want to engage with this person much longer. I think I now understand why they "struggle to make friends and get along with others."

[mangodestroyer]

I attend a university with a small population. It's very affordable and provides a nice tech school experience (no grade inflation, and the faculty are very involved). I thought things would be more laid back here because of that.

But honestly? I sometimes find myself missing my time in retail. I don't miss the shit schedule and the insane work load. I miss the fact that only 2-3 of my co-workers out of 40 were energy vampires. I only had issues at first because autism made it harder for me to manage the environment and function as an employee. But then I found myself as the person earning seasonal bonuses and such.

But on this campus, people seem to take it as a personal attack if you like what you study and... can sometimes be happy? If you don't center your world around dr*gs and alc*hol? If you don't try to engage with/start a bunch of drama?

Seriously... am I doing something wrong by caring so much about what I study? I picked this major BECAUSE I want to be surrounded by people who are more laid back and adventurous!

If this is what it's going to be like going to a small school, I might as well just go for it with those internships at the fancy schools. I honestly thought the "better" schools would be more toxic. Every time I've visited a more prestigious institution, though, people were really nice and seemed to have lots of enthusiasm. My mentor is pushing me to start emailing staff at such institutions. He thinks I'll be happy at one of the ones he used to work at.

And look, I get struggling with mental health and having shitty life syndrome. In fact, as someone who has had those struggles for the longest time, I don't have much sympathy for energy vampires. It's no excuse to be shitty to others. I've already had to cut off a handful of people in my personal life who are like that.

Please tell me this isn't the norm!

[mangodestroyer]

Just realized I have fics posted on the internet that are old enough to be in the fourth grade.

[mangodestroyer]

I would say nostalgic and easy to digest, but he probably never even had a childhood. Like... he probably just popped into existence as a fully grown celestial being with a "complex" (by our standards) understanding of the universe. And also, there were no TV shows or movies during the Big Bang.

So... easy to digest when stressed about something?

Ok but why was Crowley watching a kids movie in the cinema in the first place when Hastur talked to him

(Aka Crowley loves action movies, the golden girls and apparently, kids movies)

[mangodestroyer]

Anyone else like the idea of AziCrow as wholesome eldritch horrors?

[mangodestroyer]

Am I wet? Am I on my period? Did I pee my pants?- next on wtf is going on down there.

[mangodestroyer]

It's exactly what I've been looking for my whole life. Their relationship is healthy and has so much chemistry. The only reason things get difficult between them is because the outside world sucks. Not because of stupid dramas between them. Also, it questions convention. So many love stories seem to do the opposite: embrace convention (enforce gender roles, make one party jump through hoops to impress the other, etc).

I honestly can't think of a better love story than crowley and aziraphale. I mean, i cant name one other that's as well written, nuanced, loving, healthy, tragic and comic in equal measure, and all round beautiful as the ineffable love between a book loving angel and his grumpy demon with a "heart of gold" (according to dt)

[mangodestroyer]

Ofc, unlike my other reblog or the og post, I'm not suggesting that the world is always a horrible place, or that those with autism or other conditions/traumas associated with it can't thrive. Just that I'm aware it can play a part in our struggles.

I also acknowledge that the way my autism presents personally is just straight up unpleasant. I'm not so sure that's a systemic issue. It's more of a me issue, in that case. I'm not sure what to do about it at this point. All I know is that I'm somehow finding a way to get by, or even thrive, despite some challenges. I just accept it at this point. I just also wish there wasn't such a high bar to reach when it comes to being "pleasant" as a woman. On the flip side, wouldn't being "cold", logical, and obsessed with "useful" things like math and science be praised in men?

Considering that both Aziraphale and Crowley are celestial beings, does anyone else think they might be extremely neurodivergent compared to other members of their species (of whom already display what would be interpreted as bizarre behaviors to humans)? Like, might they possibly be displaying similar struggles as those who went through asynchronous development?

Because they really just don't seem to vibe with the way things are. Like, at all! Even when they try to "assimilate" in a performative way, to keep the other celestial beings off their backs, they are still regarded as "odd." And I don't mean this in the sense that the angels and demons suspect that they're hiding something (because yes, they also have that going on). I mean that, on a personal level, they don't seem to click with the other angels and demons very well. Even when they do things that are worthy of the highest praise, it seems they still aren't fully welcome in some ways, and it's even implied and SHOWN that they experience abuse from their peers and/or superiors.

In other words, it seems that decentering their world from the expectations of Heaven and Hell is the only option they have. The system just wasn't made for them.

[mangodestroyer]

This.

[mangodestroyer]

Sorry, vent about being on the spectrum and AFAB.

Sorry to hear that. I think you've told me about this before.

And I think I've said this before, too: I'll always be grateful I at least got to have atheists for parents! I don't think a religious upbringing would have worked out for me. Far too many stupid rules and expectations! Also, a lot less freedom to truly explore yourself.

Sadly, we all still have to put up with the side-effects of a lapsing religious, but still very religious, society. It still affects the way lots of non-religious people behave, and it's the reason we still have so much m*sogyny, abl*ism, and other nonsense going around. I hate my country! It's all about "rugged individualism", but you're also required to "conform" to ridiculous societal expectations. We also have to put on a social performance that is taxing for ANYONE to pull off! While also dancing around shit-tests and other delicate dynamics.

Sometimes, you see other AFAB/femme-presenting and/or neurodivergent individuals and just HOPE they can be there for you! Like, how can they too NOT be jaded with the way things are? Whelp, I've been to a couple of therapists who suggested I might just be a lot "sharper" than average and actually pretty great at noticing social dynamics (despite "poor" execution). Because I've met lots of people in a similar boat as me who do not seem to notice at all, or they acknowledge it a little. BUT THEY STILL BUY INTO ALL THIS AND WILL SELL THEIR SOUL TO FIT IN WITH SHALLOW PEOPLE!

In my eyes, this world is full of cults! Overarching, toxic dynamics such as the p*triarch, for instance. Cults are just a consequence of those cults. It actually makes zero sense to hate women or see them as lesser, but it does seem to be easier to accomplish that if you brainwash young children into believing fairy stories about a woman eating an apple and causing all the world's problems as a result. And conveniently, that means women should be servants who suffer and sacrifice for others in order to "repent!"

I wouldn't make it a hobby to care if it didn't affect me so much personally. I'm feeling resentful right now because I started attending a physical academic environment, found something I'm really into, and instantly started getting top scores in my courses. I also starting doing grad-level research in my first year! Now, it seems like people are trying to "put me in my place." It sucks! Overfunctioning and accomplishing SO MUCH in one year! Moving professors who aren't easily impressed (and who happen to be tough graders who hand out lots of work). The vast majority of students are NOT doing this good! I looked around because, gee, it sure does seem people take issue with me being here and don't value what I've done so far at this institution. I'm doing WAAAAAAAY better than I thought I was!

One thing that took me a little too long to consider is that, as a low-masking autistic (can NOT mask to save my own life) and AFAB individual... people probably don't like seeing me rise like this. So they aren't going to make it comfortable for me. They were okay with dismissing/ignoring me and letting me wallow in their shadow. Bored and alone (really hard for me to make friends, even when I'm in an outgoing and bubbly mood). Now I'm getting harder to ignore no matter WHAT I do! Whelp, I'm thankfully someone who's motivated by spite, so I'm not ready to give this up. But I also don't have the social energy to suck up and be a people-pleaser. So I'll keep burying myself in my work and keep to myself (save for a few individuals). I'll be polite when necessary, but I'm not going to put effort into others anymore. It almost feels like I'm getting punished for doing nice things in this environment (and a little outside of it).

The more I get into this whole "adulting" thing, the more I realize I have a lot in common with Aziraphale and Crowley. Specifically Crowley! We love to portray him as suave and charming... and he is! But I think we often forget that he's considered "strange" amongst his own kind, and while he is "crushing" it... he doesn't got this as well as we think he does. I can honestly see these two struggling in other AU settings because... the whole point is that the system isn't doing it for them!

Considering that both Aziraphale and Crowley are celestial beings, does anyone else think they might be extremely neurodivergent compared to other members of their species (of whom already display what would be interpreted as bizarre behaviors to humans)? Like, might they possibly be displaying similar struggles as those who went through asynchronous development?

Because they really just don't seem to vibe with the way things are. Like, at all! Even when they try to "assimilate" in a performative way, to keep the other celestial beings off their backs, they are still regarded as "odd." And I don't mean this in the sense that the angels and demons suspect that they're hiding something (because yes, they also have that going on). I mean that, on a personal level, they don't seem to click with the other angels and demons very well. Even when they do things that are worthy of the highest praise, it seems they still aren't fully welcome in some ways, and it's even implied and SHOWN that they experience abuse from their peers and/or superiors.

In other words, it seems that decentering their world from the expectations of Heaven and Hell is the only option they have. The system just wasn't made for them.

[mangodestroyer]

Considering that both Aziraphale and Crowley are celestial beings, does anyone else think they might be extremely neurodivergent compared to other members of their species (of whom already display what would be interpreted as bizarre behaviors to humans)? Like, might they possibly be displaying similar struggles as those who went through asynchronous development?

Because they really just don't seem to vibe with the way things are. Like, at all! Even when they try to "assimilate" in a performative way, to keep the other celestial beings off their backs, they are still regarded as "odd." And I don't mean this in the sense that the angels and demons suspect that they're hiding something (because yes, they also have that going on). I mean that, on a personal level, they don't seem to click with the other angels and demons very well. Even when they do things that are worthy of the highest praise, it seems they still aren't fully welcome in some ways, and it's even implied and SHOWN that they experience abuse from their peers and/or superiors.

In other words, it seems that decentering their world from the expectations of Heaven and Hell is the only option they have. The system just wasn't made for them.

[mangodestroyer]

I love our fandom

We're like little mice scouring for any little crumb we can find

Thank you Rachel T

[mangodestroyer]

Breakup so bad elons accusing trump of being on the Epstein list