pseudorecovery-blog

[pseudorecovery-blog]

i'm back? + update

sorry if you thought i was dead lol

sooo i stopped posting here in july because i got a bit too obsessed with netflix (oops). i've been quite busy ever since school has started again, and tumblr isn't exactly one of my top priorities. but i'm going to try and start posting again because some of my posts were helpful to others i THINK?

anyway, here's an update on my mental health, not that anyone really cares that much, but it only makes sense to update after such a long period of absence ya know?

i've been off my renfrew meal plan since the first day of school, and i've made an agreement with my nutritionist to hit x amount of calories every day to maintain my weight. only i've been struggling & restricting portions a bit, but it adds up. so i've had to trick the scale during weigh-ins but not too much. i'd say i'm relatively stable (physically).

things have still been messy mentally. ed thoughts still control me, and my anxiety has increased a lot due to school. BUT depression has taken a backseat (definitely still there, currently not as loud as my worries). i feel like i can't have the "i don't care" mindset and the "i care way too much" mindset at the same time, which is a good thing. i'm on the opposite side of the struggle spectrum if that makes sense.

i don't want this post to be too long, so if anyone here cares about the more in-depth life events stuff, i'll make my next post about what i've been up to. i hope you guys are doing okay!

[pseudorecovery-blog]

"that voice that says you can't; every time you hear that voice, i want you to tell it to fuck off."

— dr. beckham, to the bone (2017)

[pseudorecovery-blog]

⚠ BREAKING NEWS ⚠

you will never be sick enough for your eating disorder. you will never be satisfied, even when you reach your goal weight. and, you will never, ever, get to the root of your problems by avoiding them and numbing out by engaging in disordered behaviors.

but,

you can pursue recovery. you can work towards living a healthy and fulfilling life, the kind you dreamt of as a young child. and maybe, just maybe, you can re-discover yourself. the choice is yours. what kind of reality would you rather face?

the one where you continuously seek instant gratification from behaviors that will ultimately lead you to your grave?

or the one where you will struggle, a lot, but your efforts could be worth the initial distress?

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

making the decision to attempt recovery is not easy, not by any means. i was never able to make the decision for myself, although sending me away to residential was extremely difficult for my parents, both times. as somebody who has been in somewhat of a recovery state, let me just tell you; it feels like absolute shit right now. but it can't be this horrific forever, can it?

[pseudorecovery-blog]

i use sarcasm to deflect my actual feelings???

pfft,,,

nEveR !!

[pseudorecovery-blog]

i wish there was less stigma surrounding mental health issues, i bet there would be so many more people seeking help if society encouraged them to do so.

[pseudorecovery-blog]

opinions?

i think i'm going to start working on a post about my anorexia story thus far (featuring special guest stars depression and anxiety), and of course split it into parts because it will be hella long. would anyone be interested in it? i just would like to know because i don't want to spend hours writing something that nobody will want to read, ya know?

please like this post or follow me if you'd be interested in reading about the decline of my mental health 🤠

psst i follow back similar accounts!

[pseudorecovery-blog]

"meanspo" is fucked up PLEASE READ

i don't care if somebody asked you to send them it, i don't care if you think you're being helpful, and i especially don't care if you think what you're doing is right. it's fucking not.

i can't fathom why a person would post/write mean messages for other people, vulnerable people, to read. if you want to tell yourself these mean things, i won't stop you. heck, i despise myself as well and constantly shame myself for pretty much everything i do. i get that. but the second you put this kind of thing out there for everyone to read, you are encouraging others to engage in disordered behaviors. you are shaming an entire community of mental illness suffers, and strengthening the voices in their heads that abuse them enough on their own.

can't you see how wrong that is?!

so please, drop the meanspo, and stop promoting mental illness.

[pseudorecovery-blog]

just a reminder

your eating disorder does NOT define you. it is only a piece of who you are, and although it may be dominating your life right now, there is so much more to you than this horrible disease. you have so much value, despite your struggles, and you're loved beyond belief. please remember that.

keep fighting loves ♡

[pseudorecovery-blog]

where i'm at (tw!)

i say i'm pro-recovery, and i guess i do want it to some extent, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to pursue a genuine recovery attempt. i haven't gotten sick enough, and i'll never deserve to get better until i'm satisfied with myself. and i know i'll never be satisfied.

[pseudorecovery-blog]

"weight loss journey"

why do some people in this community use the terms "anorexia" and "weight loss journey" synonymously?? because, anorexia is a mental illness, and definitely not some fad diet.

while weight loss/wanting to be thin can be a symptom of your eating disorder, that is not at all the extent of anorexia.

please stop reducing anorexia to simply weight loss, it is so much more than that.

[pseudorecovery-blog]

a sister is "successful" (tw!!)

I AM NOT PROMOTING EATING DISORDER BEHAVIORS, THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS POST IS! DON'T READ THIS POST IF YOU'RE IN RECOVERY OR IN A VULNERABLE SPOT!!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

i may be symptom switching?

i've been trying to purge for a while because of how much food i'm forced to eat and how desperate i am to gain back the control, and tonight it actually worked... i got my night snack to come up, which was not much calorically but still something!

i know i shouldn't be proud of it, but i am, and i finally feel like i did something right. now all i want is to do it again. but i shouldn't. because my throat hurts and i have a pounding headache.

but when has anything physical stopped me from deliberately doing shit i know full well isn't good for me simply for the instant gratification?

[pseudorecovery-blog]

sleeping > being awake

that's it lol.

[pseudorecovery-blog]

periods suck >:(

i'm in so much pain and i'm so bloated and i honestly just wish i could go back in time to when i lost my period for over a year so i wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.

and the fact that i get it now at all because of my restored physical health makes me feel like fat shit because when i was losing weight in my ed i had amenorrhea both times. even though i still felt humongous, not getting my period meant that i was "on the right track" in some twisted way. in my head, getting a period means i'm healthy, and healthy for me translates to fat. and fat, to me, means lazy and not good enough (i don't think of other people that way, just myself!!! everyone is beautiful at any size except me, that's my disordered logic oop).

[pseudorecovery-blog]

oops?

my mom: *told me to have certain chores done before she got home from the store*

me: *instead, took a depression nap for a whole three hours*

good job me!

[pseudorecovery-blog]

helppppp

okay so my friend invited me to go to with her and her boyfriend to the beach in two weeks.

but as much as i love and miss her to death (she was my first roommate from my first time in residential treatment, and she's honestly like a big sister to me), i'm not at all, under any circumstances comfortable with the beach.

i haven't done anything with anyone all summer and haven't really left the house other than for appointments because of how shitty i've been feeling, but i was afraid of what my friend would think if i said no so of course i just agreed. and i haven't seen her in a while so what if things are weird? and i've only met her boyfriend once, very briefly, what if he's not the good person that my friend makes him out to be??

there's so much to worry about... first there's the swimsuits. and i really don't even have to wear one (which i won't, because there's no way in hell i'm showing off my jiggly body in front of hundreds of people. or anybody in general for that matter). but i'm not even comfortable in shorts either because of scars and the fact that i'm still not allowed to shave :/ and obviously my legs are huge, which just makes it worse. but who wears sweatpants and baggy clothes to the beach???? surely there would be people giving me judgmental stare-downs (even more than usual). and i'd be melting in the heat. so there's no real way around this.

also, there will definitely be girls at the beach who look like beautiful models (including the friend that invited me). and of course my disordered ass is going to spend the entire day comparing myself to everybody else because i'll be the least attractive person on the beach, and in my mind that somehow translates to "i will never be as good as they are."

and if that wasn't enough to panic over, i'm going to be third-wheeling since it's just her and her boyfriend and i. love that for me.

please comment suggestions, i don't know what to do and i'm really scared :(

[pseudorecovery-blog]

fun fact about me:

i look like a hippo with the face of a blobfish, and that's the tea sis.

[pseudorecovery-blog]

sleepy boi

is it just me or does anyone else constantly feel exhausted, despite getting more than enough sleep on a daily basis????