#and personality and gestures etc.
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ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A KNIGHT...
the visual inspiration for this was a combination of Frederic William Burton's Meeting on the Turret Stairs and also Bernardo Cavallino's The vision of St. Dominic receiving the Rosary from the Virgin
this was supposed to be just a one off illustration to get the thoughts out of my system, but then I started thinking about medieval politics and warfare and plagues and a castle and home as both a place of refuge, a prison, and a tomb, so perhaps they will end up as ex voto characters as well.
you may say, hey! that rosary looks like it has too many beads! it's a fifteen decade rosary, probably. dominicans are really into marian devotions. it works out.
also. spiral style stair cases. oh boy. it was that unexpectedly more difficult than I originally thought it would be to draw. the more I think about it, the less I understand them, even though I had a million photos of the stairs in front of me while I was drawing it.
⭐ I have a tip jar (ko-fi)!
⭐ and other places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app
#the economy and my bank account are in shambles and i ended up stress drawing this whole thing in one go#its so many lines. the next time i draw this. because i will be revisiting this composition. i want to use a different inking brush#i think. but the next time i draw this it will be with solid blacks on the stair case steps i think#hey here's a fun fact for those of you who aren't catholic. did you know that kissing the ring of the pope/a cardinal/etc#grants you an indulgence. cardinals also used to kiss the pope on the mouth. also foot and hand iirc. anyway#there are no cardinals in this drawing but im saying if you write medieval/renaissance smut about men of the cloth#you can really amp up the friction between holy and seductive with a lot of the (gestures vaguely) that.#actually another fun fact about cardinals. their fun sun hat (it's called a galero) has some fucking weird as hell fever dream (literally)#origin lore. so if seductive isn't your thing. the horror of a thing that you wear is also extremely fun#esp when you get into medieval gender performances of clothes and how they define a person etc#generic medieval tag#original tag
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Compromising someone's physical safety bc of an internet argument is so not funny, but what IS funny is that this is the type of content Sssniperwolf makes. btw. It's all like this. This is what is being criticized, and what she's doxxing people for talking about.
#sergle.txt#Sssniperwolf#hiiiigh quality content right here#and yes I see what you see. I'm seein it. but this guy hasn't brought personal things or physical appearance into the roasts.#(unlike her. who's called him ugly and bald etc etc)#so I shan't say anything either. keepin on target bc the freebooting and threats to other ppl are way way more important than (gestures)
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Jimithon Mouthwashing is such a good representation of untreated, enabled NPD like it makes me want to squeeze the life out of him. I'm endlessly fascinated when watching him interact with his crew, surroundings, and himself because he's so fucking lost in his own sauce. It's insane. If I'm being real, it makes him my favorite character in the game.
It's a little scary to say, but watching Jimmy is like seeing a mirrored version of myself two years ago before I truly committed to treatment for my NPD. He's like a shadow. The opening line "I hope this hurts," which I believe comes from Jimmy right before the crash, is such a poignant statement. It's a simple line, but I can tell you from experience that the desire to hurt others when in a narcissistic rage is overwhelming. It's such a good line to sum up Jimmy's character in that moment. Luckily, in the real world, I had my friends and family there to catch me when I hit my lowest, even though I'd hurt them so many times. Jimmy probably could've used friends to force him into therapy (cough cough Curly cough cough)
#also I don't mean we're similar in any way when it comes to rape or SA. Please don't twist it that way at all.#I mean like in terms of the jealously resentment revenge hurting others to feel thrilled not taking responsibility not seeing flaws etc#I'm diagnosed with NPD also but pls know my experience will be different from others. We're all different people obvs.#also Jimmy has like wayyyyyyyyyy more things wrong with him not just untreated NPD lol#I would say that untreated NPD is a hell most can't describe#you barely feel anything except rage boredom and jealousy (in my case)#love is a form of ownership and control because you can't really feel it the right way#so your -person- is an object of intense obsession and also a tool for you#if that makes sense? I see that with Jimmy and Curly for sure#You want to tear others down and hurt them because it makes you feel good to put them below you#there's a constant feeling of insecurity and it drives you crazy fr#kind gestures from friends feel insulting#and oh my god achievements made by friends and family in my case feel like I've been shot like I hate when they achieve things#It's not logical obvs but that's something I instantly noticed in Jimmy so i was like .....oh brother lol#and also if they achieve something my brain needs it to somehow be tied to me or I'll make it tied to me so they can be thankful#they should always center their attention on me and if they don't I immediately resent them#these are just some of my thought processes on the matter so I can show the similarities I feel with Jimmy#the KEY DIFFERENCE is all of these thoughts I have are left in my head and not exhibited in my actions (any more. took a long time)#but he is such a nasty human with ZERO introspection that he prob never even thought about treatment#also doesn't help that the hot blonde he's friends with never did anything to help with that#idk sorry for oversharing but ahhh this game is so well written I gotta yap about it lol#also kind of a funny unrelated story to show how weird the achievement thing can be lol#my friends announced they saved up enough to go to Vietnam (their dream trip) and I was happy for them (I really was)#but of course my delusional ass immediately also took it as a threat#and I booked a month long trip to Europe a few days after so I could also announce it LMAO#that is a kind of innocent incident when compared to Jimmy but it just shows how annoying NPD can be#Jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#NPD
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honestly the things people do for people they like are craaaaazy. just think of what u were willing to do for someone u had a major crush on. if they’re not going out of their way they’re just not that into u i fear
#gender is irrelevant btw like i’ve heard of guys and girls memorizing the shift of someone they like#and just going in when they’re working#ive heard of people intentionally planning situations to run into someone#buying cute gifts grand gestures etc#everyone is different w how they express their feelings#but if there’s no actual effort it’s probably best to just leave it and ur not losing much if u drop it#i’m an opportunist so i’m always like oh nooo but what if this person Could’ve Been Great !!!#if they weren’t great to begin with chances r they’re not getting any better. ur fine#p
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The crisis of the last year with student protests has made even the richest institutions aware of how much of their presumed wealth can be yanked away from them by a donor class who are increasingly inclined to exert their influence and authority in openly oligarchic ways. The obsession with safety—and the contradictions of that obsession—is as much about financial management as anything else. But that also is a wider sociocultural formation: the American upper middle-class is generally an asset class now who think about safety in the same way as universities both because all institutions with asset-based wealth have to and because they personally have to safeguard their assets in the same fashion, and face some of the same risks from liability exposure. [. . .] Moving away from the caretaker era can’t just be a matter of exposing students to risk and dismantling systems that make safety the mandatory product of an intrusive regime of surveillance and correction. If the people in charge inside the university and outside of it aren’t equally exposed to the natural consequences of their actions and decisions, all this means is forcefully communicating to students—or perhaps all young people—their relative powerlessness and vulnerability. It means deciding that the lesson you really want to teach is that it’s bad to be powerless and thus you should strive in life for power and wealth in order to be beyond consequences. Arguably, if the caretaker era and the bystander era were both aligned with a wider social ideology that was broadly shared across a generation, then this in fact the new ethos of our time—that there is no safety but in power, and that where power believes people are not being sufficiently punished for the things that power disdains, it will find a way to make consequences where there have been none.
bleak essay that nonetheless collects a lot of idle thoughts i've had in one place & puts them together with more coherence than i've ever managed
#it's also an interesting point re: the seesaw thing happening where so-called helicopter parents#are reacting to the shortcomings of their more free-range upbringing#(e.g. i was generally brought up more free-range than my peers but#(1) mom was reacting against an *uncommonly* strict upbringing#(2) fam was socioculturally located s.t. e.g. my brother's antics would be coded Boys Will Be Boys rather than. y'know. Deep Trouble#(3) people weren't fucking calling CPS when kids walked home in rural kentucky during those years lmao)#and like i'm grateful i got that.#fostered a lot of independence and trust in myself when i'm p sure i'd be a more baseline anxious/judgey person otherwise#but idk if you can really get that *back* unless you fix *gestures at essay*#like the liability obsession the piles of moneys sloshing around etc just all feels deeply Askew yaknow
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(╥﹏╥)
#We've had our yearly secret santa gifts exchange at my dorm and I've been gifted the first volume of Beast 😭😭😭😭😭#I'm crying forever. This december marks three years since I've watched the first b/sd episode#and yet this is the first time I actually own a b/sd manga volume. Like I own it and I can read it whenever I want!!! How cool is that!!!!!#Like there's so many Akutagawa images in it!!!! It's insane!!!!!!!! AND IT'S BEAST AT THAT#I'm deeply moved because I never spoke about it to virtually anyone here (at my dorm)?#Like I suppose a bunch of people vaguely know I like anime but only a couple of close friends know I like. Like-like reading manga lol.#And the person who gifted it DEFINITELY didn't know I like anime in general much less b/sd specifically much less Beast in particular!!!!!#I'm 100% sure (they just arrived this year and we hadn't even had that much occasions to talk to each other).#Which means they went through the trouble of gathering intel from my close friends about what I like and actually follow through‚#seek for the specific manga in a comic store etc... It's such a nice gesture I'm so heartwarmed.#And of course I'm glad for every gift I've received in the last years (genuinely)‚ but the fact that this was the most *specific* to what–#I like. It makes it so special! They were so kind.#There must be one (1) person in this whole 60 people dorm who knows I like Beast–#(that would be the girl who introduced b/sd to me in the first place) and the fact that they asked them for it...#I feel both very grateful and lucky lol#When I unwrapped it!!! Like I thought it was just a random book which would have been nice but like!!!!!#When I actually saw through the thin paper the cover!!!! The scream I screamed in my head#Anyways!!!! I own a b/sd manga now!!!!! I've only got time to go through the first chapter so far but it's suchhhh an experience.#It's like reading it for the first time again 😭😭😭 Half because the translation is so much different than the English one lol.#And I basically know the English version by heart. Half because I never saw this kind of high quality!!!!! It's!!!!! Insane!!!!! Like!!!!!!#I'm crying 😭😭😭 The drawings are so sharp and crisp (in the good way). The lines are so clean there's no disturbance at all#I literally never saw anything so good in my life I'm crying a little. I'm so so glad they blessed me with Beast specifically#The takebon edition is pretty cheap (it's just planet manga so there's no color illustrations or dust cover or anything unfortunatelly.#But to make up for it the volumes are significantly cheaper then let's say J-Pop)#There's also some unique typesetting choices? The text from the book-like boxes is in lowercase which is interesting!#Initially I thought I wouldn't have liked the translation (opening it randomly there was Akutagawa saying “crepa!” (“die!”) to Dazai in ch1#Which was kinda jarring since it's very low register and everyone knows Akutagawa has very complex speech patterns.)#But actually reading it I'm really enjoying the translation so far!!!!#There's so many choices that made me grasp details I actually missed all the times I've read the English translation.#That is to say! Very excited to read it!!!! Will probably make a review / translation commentary if I can find the time!!!!!
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it's something I've thought about for a short while, but...
transmasc and/or nonbinary Hotori Yuzuki . is this anything
(I say into the mic, to an audience of like barely anyone really though, there are so few posts in hotori's character tags)
#hotori yuzuki#yuzuki hotori#magireco#magia record#i (ai)#yuzuki rion#pmmm#as a headcanon/potential interpretation I mean#like I don't think hotori was intentionally written that way or that they necessarily otherwise have any *particularly* strong trans-coding#but it IS one idea that could work for his character I think#like. it's def not that one can't be the way hotori is while being a cis girl#'cause yeah! you can absolutely be a girl & have all of hotori's traits dreams hobbies & interests#with that said. I do like the potential (unintentionally) transmasc and/or nb -reading of him. especially because like. *gesture vaguely*#the way his twin sister rion always tries to control his self-expression & interests and pushes him to fit a fully feminine mold#and she always condemns/shames/dismisses his dreams of liking and pursuing something different from that idea of him#even though he's uncomfortable and tries to express his desire to be... someone who isn't like that#rion insists that hotori can never be 'cool' the way his sentai heroes are cool.#that 'cute' (the feminine sort) is what he is. and 'cute' is all he will be.#that he will never change. that he can never become the kind of person he longs & dreams of becoming.#until hotori also can't see such a possibility for himself anymore#etc etc.#man...
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for pride month I am haviiiiing. an itty bitty gender crisis
#ari speaks#it's like. am I a woman?? what the fuck even IS a woman??#bc if “woman” is “person who will bear and birth children” I'm already failing on that front due to medical reasons#yippee for pcos. ig#and then it's like. well then what IS a woman#and is that definition even useful??#like do I believe in the catholic gender essentialism I was raised with??#no. no I do not#but like if there's no Inherent Magic Difference between men / women / etc / then like what the fuck does it mean to be a woman#like am I or am I not or is this even a useful thing to conceptualize???#idk I just feel Disconnected from the Concept of womanhood#like I am a Gal and a Girlie but in the sense that Drizzt Do'Urden is my wife#in that it's not about the Gender it's about like. the Vibes#all I know is the pronouns are she/her#and like. maybe that's all I need to know#maybe that's enough#idk it's just. a Word would be nice. so I know I'm not crazy#maybe quoigender is the word?? for now??#idk it's like. my little queer self who forged her identity in the midst of The Ace Discourse back in 2017 is terrified of being accused of#claiming labels and spaces that “aren't meant for her” or whatever#and it's like. am I Not Cis enough to be here????#like she/her and “woman” is. good enough I guess#I can get by with it#but like.#idk#realizing that I kinda feel disconnected from the whole Gender thing in the same way I feel disconnected from sexuality and romance#and it's like. as a writer. I very rarely actually know what my characters' Genders are#all I know are the pronouns#and like????#[gestures vaguely]
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Sometimes I forget I'm an Omega until I randomly get into playing an otome game for fun and a fictional man shows me just one single ounce of respect and kindness and genuine care, and I'm immediately planning a wedding and considering whether I'd be willing to give birth to his kids after all if he REALLY wanted kids and adoption wasn't an option.
#for the record this fictional man of the week is Haku Kusanagi from Tokyo Debunker. he's the first guy the MC properly meets#and possibly the only one who has never been anything but genuinely nice chill and earnestly concerned for MC's safety#at least as far as I've read#he's just. genuinely concerned for MC#understands MCs emotions and struggles and is patient and respectful#but also can be very funny and is always very laid-back and helpful#like yknow. a decent person.#it really doesn't take much to impress me huh#basic respect and genuine care? I'm planning our wedding already /hj#it's one of those unfortunate side effects of trauma. when you're used to being mistreated#things that most people would consider to be bare minimum expectations#instead feel more like... grand gestures#like how could I possibly deserve this kind of kindness and care#bc of being so used to feeling undeserving and unworthy of kindness or care etc#anyway im yapping way too much I need to sleep#gamietxt
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this is me and greta @mysterycitrus rn
#dick teaching cass how to fight with a partner.#cass and damian unintentionally contributing to each other's self loathing.#bruce’s death forcing cass to confront her own suicidal ideation (if he’s not invincible then she isn’t either and every time she#jumps in front of a bullet it could kill her too)#her grief driving her to work even harder at protecting people to the point of taking personal responsibility for every single person#in gotham bc she thinks that’s the best way to honor bruce’s memory#giving steph batgirl as a gesture of trust but then hovering and constantly criticizing her actions unfairly#to the point where steph confronts her and cass has to break down & articulate how terrified she is of losing steph again.#bruce’s death living inside her always not leaving room for anything else.#beating the shit out of jason. etc#truly thee au to end all aus
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Being obsessed with moral purity (and the appearance thereof) is far more likely to turn you into an abuser than a kind and compassionate person who cares for their community and there are so many cautionary tales about this in media and yet *gestures at all of social media*
#every single one of us has said and done things that would make us the main character of twitter for a few days. without exception.#like one if the most well known quotes from the fuckin bible is about this exactly. it is so basic.#it's literally just redirection of people's fear and shame around their own actions/feeling/thoughts etc#i think we need to stop putting so much emphasis on being a Good Person#like do your best obviously. treat people with all the kindness you know how. but we are deeply flawed and imperfect beings.#and that's not something that will ever go away#no matter how much you effort you put into self-improvement. you still have to try but you must also#accept the fact that you will often fail#and in the Court of the Internet there is no space for that and therefore no space for real learning or growth#im fairly certain the only cure for this shit is engaging in good faith with other human beings in meat space.#im not SURE because *gestures at all of human history* obviously these problems exist there too#but god knows nothing about how we engage with The Discourse on social media is going to engender real understanding#and lead us to a more enlightened age
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I feel like tags like these were inevitable on the post about people traumatising themselves for the greater good or w/e... There is SO much emphasis on posting on tumblr and other social media being so important and so useful and we must never stop. But I would like to counterargue with the idea that posting on social media (especially tumblr) constantly does very little/nothing. If that was true then the point here becomes meaningless.
#i guess i must be broken according to this person because i don't seem to feel emotions the way they feel helps palestine#activists in palestine are also calling for a general strike where no one goes to work and that has yet to materialise in a meaningful way#because people keep watering it down by saying 'oh it's ok just post constantly/about nothing else than palestine on social media'#yeah awesome great- look i'm sure there are people in palestine saying get the word out about our suffering etc#but they are also calling for more meaningful symbolic gestures like strikes which as far as I know no western country has delivered#because that would take a lot of organising and much less guilt tripping and people spending all their time posting#and comfort always comes up- comfort and discomfort- what even is comfort?#is feeling ok in your own mind an insult to palestine?#are there people losing everything in wars feeling better because someone in the west feels really really bad about their pain?#like sorry to be facetious but what on earth does any of this rhetoric accomplish#i spent years thinking like this and it made me so sick and now i'm better i am DONE with it- i cannot go back to this thinking#i can only live if i bend away from this kind of thinking like a plant to light- and i want to help others but people just won't stop#please- post on social media if you like. it doesn't help anyone to view the depths of their pain and feel bad#it is better to look towards hope a ceasefire and a resolution and end to the killing of palestinians for good#that can happen!!!#i think avoiding misinformation and dehumanising rhetoric about either side is also very important#i fully believe you can only understand geopolitics and war if you see everyone as human
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haunted once more by a dumb character idea
#tma guy. anatomy student turned archives assistant (sent as the most unsubtle spy possible on nikolas orders. elias finds it all very--#--funny adn their constant misery in the eyes sanctum is a sweet boon) who slowly tears themself apart under such a restrictive existence#the best they can get while still having to have a Singular Identity for the time is subtle appearance changes (eyes colors--#--changing. minute tweaks to features. a new nail length / polish each day. the most drastic they can get Appearance wise is--#--hair bc wigs exist as an explanation for why theyre walking in the building w a buzzcut one day and braids the next) and lying constantly#--abt their life outside of the job (a constantly rotating cast of characters who Never have the same characteristics as the last time--#--they mentioned them. a husband a boyfriend two daughters a mother a cousin from out of town a brother who moved to america etc etc). at--#--one point (after sasha gets Not Them-ed ? lot of tension between the two strangers bc of the assistants non-interference stance--#--that had the not them stuck in the table just a bit longer) they have a complete breakdown in front of martin bc of the stress and--#--babble abt how every single member of their family expects too much and has left them for dead and how they want to go HOME#tim runs into them at the club one night while theyre playing the part of a COMPLETELY different person and it is a very strange--#--time. a stranger wearing a party city mask of your coworker#the tma timeline has faded a bit from my head but i like the idea of them somehow weaseling their way into survival even after the--#--not them is entombed by leitner. they signed the contract so they cannot abandon ship the circus has stopped responding to their--#--messages and elias makes a point to swing by and just Watch them regularly while the archives fights to not collapse in on itself#like the name jane for them. jane doe and Also a cute bit of name sharing w jane pretniss lol#a little less certain abt this but also like the idea that when the pressure is REALLY bad but b4 the not them disaster the assistant--#--would ask the rest of the archives staff to call them by a different name w no explanation just to be able to shake off the fetter of--#--a Set Name for a day. its a different name every time and the running theory w everyone is that it is either a trans thing or a very--#--convoluted joke. the second time they do this sasha ends up getting them a label maker + two of those 'HELLO MY NAME IS' name--#--tags. one for 'jane' and one for any different name they choose that day. a genuine + caring gesture that absolutely devastates the--#--assistant because now they are BRANDED with a name
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i know I should focus on writing and not poke hornets nests but. though saionji haters of the “i dont care about him & dont wanna hear about him” variety are completely valid . If you for real think saionji is a villain the way akio is a villain. you completely missed the point of the show
#and i dont even mean that theyre the same but akio is much worse#i mean that we are literally shown - textually - that saionji is a steadfast; loyal; honorable boy whothinks he is upholding a strict but#fair moral system and genuinely means well#but he like everyone else (male and female) is groomed into the fucked up partiarchal worldview of possession and control that says that#people like him (men; ‘princes’) are responsible for protecting others at the cost of their own well-being AND the well-being of those they#are ‘protecting’#and we literally see everyone at some point or other fall into this slippery slope at akios behest INCLUDING utena both in tje first arc#when she thinks she can’save’ anthy just by telling her what to do and later when she slaps wakaba (the SAME gesture as saionji to anthy in#ep 1) after being manipulated by touga#in fact saionji being the boogeyman in the first arc and bein shown being abusive in such a self evident and ‘uncomplicated’ way at the ver#y beginning. is the POINT. bc from then on the manipulation abuse etc gets more subtle complex layered and complicated by many different#interpersonal rships at the same time.#but saionji is also literally again TEXTUALLY shown in the final arc#to paradoxically be a better person than touga who seems the least bad of the 2 and goes around calling himself a feminist#bc when saionji sees the truth of what akio is and what the duels and prince/princess roles do to people he immediately is disgusted and#wants nothing to do with it and cannot even STAND the sight of akio. whereas touga sees it just as clearly and has for a much longer time#but he still will not separate himself from akio because he wants the power he thinks he can gain regardless of the consequences and hurt#to himself yes. but also to others; anthy utena nanami AND saionji.#and this isnt even to say that ohh the real bad guy is touga actually hate touga instead. tougas situation is also complext#none of the kids are bad people (though some are better people than others i.e. utena and wakaba)#they are all victims of a system in which they are being groomed and manipulated to play roles that disregard their humanity and cause them#to be in pain and to put other people in pain#and lastly you can say ‘well but saionji was still an asshole he slapped anthy while she was in a sort-of gf role to him that’s literally#abuse.’ and YES. he was and it is.#however rgu isn’t about finding The Bad People who do The Bad Things its about showing how these toxic systems perpetrate themselves to the#misery of EVERYONE involved.#and that happens because people buy into it from a VERY young age. but that doesnt mean they cant learn better.#the only truly bad guy in rgu is akio and that isn’t because hes an exception to the ‘everyone is a complex morally grey human and people#cause hurt to each other without setting out to do so’ but because he’s NOT a normal human being he is basically a thought experiment.#of what would happen if someone LOST the ability to change and question themselves and learn better. or you could say. to revolutioniz
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im so full of anger every day that it makes it hard to function. what do i do
#blah blah blah#i generally try to not tamp down my thoughts and feelings but at what point is it 'being open' and at what point is it 'stewing'#i miss doing therapy but my medicaid doesnt cover psychiatric care#and my workplace is likely to schedule me back down at 20h/week once our new manager begins here#im so mad . he starts next week but idk if that means sunday (tomorrow) or monday#and why was only next week's schedule posted. why not the whole month#i have another job trying to schedule me and that one is easier to move around than the main one#full timers work 30h or more#and ive been working at least 35 every week for the past month since weve not had a manager#i want healthcare#i know im in a privileged position where i can even try to demand these things#but i am worried about the nextg year bc i dont know what my hours will look like yet#so i can't reliably predict my income for the year to select my own plan through the state service??#luckily open enrollment is nov and dec and it's only the start of nov now#i don't have a third recommender for phd programs so i can't fully submit those applications yet#im just so full of anger i feel unable to move#and the anger is of course about the odd time trying to balance my two part time jobs and rent and health#but it's also about! gestures at the globe full of things happening!#i am immobilized by anger and it's putting a big strain on my relationship with my partner and my family!#i don't know that going back to therapy would fix these things but if i could at least have a person to talk to once a week#specifically dedicated to talking about Problems#idk#maybe it would lessen the amount im dumping on everyone else#it feels so privileged and selfish and evil of me to have desires and feeling like i am the world's center of evil isnt helping anyone#pursuing a phd wouldnt be helping anyone#being unable to move for how full of emotions i am isnt helping anyone#maybe i should just . remembers suicide jokes are bad etc. join the circus
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I wish I could put you all in my head for like 5 minutes so you can absorb all of my thoughts and feelings on iovita's gender and then I could pull you back out and we could both nod and shake hands
#⌜❝ 𝚃𝙱𝙳. so long. good luck. goodbye. ❞ ⌟#I am only saying this because I have the WORST time articulating it and I LIKE to talk about it#but it's a (mostly) direct reflection of my own and my feelings on that involve a lot of wordless noises and vague gesturing#and informing you that certain things make me feel like a deep dark disgusting pit has opened in my chest blah blah blah#if you stay in there just a little longer I could show you the animations I make up in my head to certain songs?#and then we could nod and shake hands again etc etc#idk I just!#io................#io is.#that's it ig#they sway towards feminine descriptors for themself a lot because it's an 'opposite' to an outside perspective#[which is an opposite of how I do it. I like to pick masculine descriptors for myself for the same reason]#feminine descriptors and a masculine clothing style and full makeup makes the brain go brrr#and it's their default u know#but io will absolutely play it more feminine clothing/style wise sometimes in a way that still shows /something/ masculine about themself#the way they sit/stand/act/reveal#io plays with gender like it's sculpting clay#but they genuinely just#don't want to be anything#yknow?#me and io shaking hands about desiring just Not Existing. Actually. but still existing#not perception no body just The Person#RAHHHHH this is why I need to be able to put u all in my brain rq#anyway. had a gender crisis myself this evening. how are we doin#do i tag this#what do i tag this#ask to tag#?#i also think that io's relationship with gender is very human and also very inhuman together#because they at their core aren't really human. but the humanity of it. is important.
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