queenlua

[queenlua]

Day 6 of #AvianAugust: 'Apapane (Himatione sanguinea)

The ‘Apapane is the most abundant and widely distributed honeycreeper on the Hawaiian Islands. Their bright crimson color and flair for singing make them easy to spot, though their songs can vary from island to island.

Like their cousin, the ʻIʻiwi, their favorite food is nectar, usually provided by the flowers of the ʻŌhiʻa Lehua tree. The ʻApapane has a brush-tipped tongue—perfect for lapping up the sweet nectar.

*Plant featured is the native Hawaiian species, ʻōhiʻa lehua (Metrosideros polymorpha)

[queenlua]

wip wednesday~

more noodling on the Verso thing, with bonus Clea

*************************************************

The lies came so easily it frightened him, sometimes.  The first time he'd told an Expeditioner that he'd helped build the Dome Shield, it had come up from nowhere, like a hiccup or a cough, the words off his tongue before he'd even thought them.  And like a hiccup or a cough it wasn't just the one; he heard himself go on, saying some inanity about an apartment above a bakery he'd never actually lived in, some anecdote from Expedition Zero that never actually happened, two more lies atop the others before he managed to hold his tongue.

There hadn't even been any point in it.  They'd already trusted him, that expedition.  No need to burnish himself in false glory.  And even if there had been, they were poor lies, the kind of lies that only worked because they did already trust him, or maybe because they'd traveled together so long that the mere prospect of his lying was too terrible to even consider, so they shied away and around it, the way a pack-mule sidles away from a puddle in the road, uncertain of its depth and unwilling to test it.

There was shame in remembering that.  Those Expeditioners had deserved, at the least, better lies.  And he did know how to lie properly, in theory if not in practice: "Don't talk if you can help it.  Only lie about the parts you need to.  And for pity's sake keep it vague."  That was Clea.  She'd taught him that, the summer he was ten.  He'd snuck out to play football out in the scrubby edge of the zone, where he was never supposed to go, with the dockworkers' boys, whom Maman had always pursed her lips at, and broke his wrist after a bad tumble, and when he staggered home with his left hand dangling of course Maman demanded to know, "What happened, mon cherie?"

He'd had that whole walk back from the zone to think of a decent lie.  But instead he told a lie so boldfaced and outlandish that he cringed away from remembering it too clearly.  Something about a runaway horse and a trampling and a diving to save someone else.  He said all this with scabbed knees, coated in dirt and stinking of sweat and cigarettes.  Maman was no fool.  She'd dimmed considerably.  Well, let's get this fixed, she'd said, calling for the doctor.  But as soon as the bone was set and the cast fixed, he'd been sent to his room without supper, and not told when he could come out.

That night Clea crept into his room, even though no one was supposed to talk to him, as part of his punishment.  When he told her as much, she only scoffed.  "That wrist of yours is punishment enough, if you ask me."  And then she'd told him how to tell a decent lie.  And when he'd said, shouldn't you be telling me that lying is bad, she'd rolled her eyes.  "Honestly, Verso."

It had been so many years since then.  Enough years that he realized, sometimes, he didn't quite remember the shape of her face, or the cut of her hair, or even her height.  But each time he remembered that night her voice, at least, always came right back to him.  Honestly, Verso.  All he had left of her.  That, and the poor use he'd made of her wisdom.  Honestly.

[queenlua]

there is a particular type of Unhinged And Deranged that one becomes while on an extremely long multi-day backcountry hike with a small group of people

and given that, frankly, i think it's a miracle more expeditions don't end with "losing your everloving shit & going off against one of your fellow expeditioners, To Death"

[queenlua]

rebageled for reach b/c i think i have some other Ferrante-novel-dislikers in my followers haha, may the Bonding commence

Well I'm about 3/4 of the way through No Longer Human now (got distracted by two other books in the meantime) and well.. first impressions are that I can definitely see why you weren't a fan, LMAO. Or you know, not assuming your raisins were the same as mine. But it's a ROUGH read. I'm generally more sympathetic towards and even fond of the Holdens and Shinjis of the media world than my peers, but this protagonist... 😅😅 That said, it's still been quite readable in its way; the translation (seems to be) great and once I get started, it is easy to keep plowing through it. It's just that whenever I think to pick it up again, my first feeling is strong resistance. I'll be curious to hear both your thoughts on it and those of my Japanese friend who enthusiastically recommended it to me.

oh FUCK yes let's talk books!!!

since my last post, i actually *did* track down a copy of No Longer Human & i reread some of the parts that i remembered standing out to me

i haven't *re*read the entire thing, and i first read the book some years ago, so my memory is going to be spotty, but my feelings based on what i recall are more-or-less:

* the most interesting parts of the book, to me, were Yozo's friendships with Horiki and to a lesser extent Takeichi. both, i think, really capture the sense of ineffability, strangeness, and randomness that color a Certain Type Of Friendship.

in Takeichi's case, it seems altogether improbable that this kid, of all kids, is the one who sees so clearly & easily past Yozo's clownish facade. and yet he does, and that being-seen aspect draws them together—in a strange, uncomfortable way; i don't think it's shaped like an ordinary teenage friendship. but it's a togetherness of a sort nonetheless.

and in Horiki's case—okay, one, yes, i just like hard-drinking good-for-nothings in fiction in general, haha. BUT ALSO, their friendship was so *weird* but also... so palpable and familiar in some ways... in the weird way that you can consciously think "this person is pretty garbage" but still feel drawn to them & hang out with them anyway? i feel a little awkward saying that since it makes *me* sound two-faced, lol, "wow Lua are you saying you have friends you don't even like? and you don't tell them that?? you just keep hanging out with them???" and like no of course not, as a rule, but... well, sometimes you don't really consciously realize that you don't actually like being around someone for a while due to Complicated Factors, or maybe there's some uncanny subconscious thing you're Drawn To that makes you ignore the rest, or sometimes the friendship is just plain Fractious but still feels like a friendship, albeit one that makes you feel weird or alienated or shitty in unpredictable ways. that sort of thing isn't usually stable long-term but it exists and it makes sense the one in the book goes on as long as it does, with how much Yozo is sort of... willing to be led along, simultaneously repulsed by Horiki but defaults to an agreeable personality to get by, sees some potential for a surcease of his suffering in drink and hookers and such, etc.

it's a lot like falling in love, in a way, come to think of it. like, the sort of dark-funhouse-mirror companion to it. i don't think we can choose who we are attracted to or like or even love, to a certain extent. we are humans but also animals, drawn to each other's warmth. and yeah a lot of what pulls Yozo toward Horiki is just Horiki's baseline pushy personality (the way he's introduced!!! when he asks to borrow some cash and then says "great now i have enough to buy us some beers," it's so bold/cheeky haha), and Yozo's people-pleasing-ness, and all that, but i do think there was at least a seed of, there is something wrong with him that is also wrong with me and that draws them together. or whatever.

(i guess this is *sort of* related to a thing Elena Ferrante's My Brilliant Friend was getting at, with the whole Intense Love-Hate Rivalry With Childhood BFF there, but i bounced off of that one because the contours of that relationship were like. too much, lol. it kind of reminded me of how, growing up, my boomer mom would talk about all her experiences as a preteen/teenage girl were just vicious weird one-uppy judgy infighting and Harsh Judgments Based On Appearances, and how that was what she observed at a high school English teacher too, and girls are just LIKE THAT... you cannot just be friends you have to be WEIRD INTENSE RIVALS... and like okay yes i get that apparently that is the experience of a lot of teenage girls. but *my* teenage girl experience was being a chill nerd who hung out with a variety of reasonably well-balanced chill nerd chicks and we had our share drama but it was never the... catty intense rivalrous sort of drama you saw as The Ambient Norm in the Ferrante novel lol. so it did not particularly vibe with me & wasn't depicted in a way that made me want to keep reading; i was like oh god i've Heard This from mom and culture and etc already so many times and i am bored with it!)

ANYWAY. i think this may be an unconventional read on things lol. i'm sure other people have a different vibe off of Horiki especially. but that was the part that remained fixed in my memories years later & had me scrambling to source a copy

* however, things in the novel that were *not* one of those friendships were less interesting and less resonant to me. and the whole book is written in a rather bald style that didn't really work for me, even on reread. to riff on your comparison, Holden Caufield has a very compelling voice. here i just found myself a little tired out by how often the narrator's just saying stuff along the lines of "people are terrible," "there is nothing to relate to," "i had no connection with other human beings whatsoever," just kinda like. On The Nose. and unremittingly bleak, which was obviously a deliberate decision, but there wasn't enough else going on to make that unremitting bleakness work for me

* it's funny you mention the "sympathy for depressed sadboi protag" thing—historically, i think i've been *less* drawn to that sort of thing than my peers, which is probably part of what made the book fall flat for me. though i've certainly become more sympathetic to them as i've gotten older—i feel like when you have a room full of teenagers reading Catcher in the Rye, the reactions you get are, (1) kids with blessedly-pretty-happy lives so far, who are like "wow i don't really get this," (2) kids who have taken some knocks but find something repulsive/"not like that" in how Caufield copes with it as compared to themselves, and (3) kids who... relate to the guy! (and sadly they often Read The Room and are unwilling to pipe up during class discussion, since, y'know, will they be derided as wusses for feeling for Caufield. which is sad, and also kind of... proves the book's point...)

anyway yeah as a teen i was in the (1) camp and it took, y'know, Some Life Experience & just becoming a more empathetic person & taking a few knocks myself that certainly made me appreciate those sorts of books a lot more. ...but yes, even given all that, Yozo is kind of A LOT hahaha

* i know part of the reason i didn't give up on the novel entirely was because i read Dazai's novella Schoolgirl first, and Schoolgirl floored me. that one worked for me *incredibly* well and i still think about it from time to time. it's more melancholy than bleak, but there are plenty of bleak books i like just fine—i just think Schoolgirl is better-written overall haha. i spammed some thoughts about it here back in the day; it's a super-quick read (i read it in one sitting at an Irish bar) if the mood ever strikes you to give Dazai another shot...!

[queenlua]

juvenile barred owl.

[queenlua]

Well I'm about 3/4 of the way through No Longer Human now (got distracted by two other books in the meantime) and well.. first impressions are that I can definitely see why you weren't a fan, LMAO. Or you know, not assuming your raisins were the same as mine. But it's a ROUGH read. I'm generally more sympathetic towards and even fond of the Holdens and Shinjis of the media world than my peers, but this protagonist... 😅😅 That said, it's still been quite readable in its way; the translation (seems to be) great and once I get started, it is easy to keep plowing through it. It's just that whenever I think to pick it up again, my first feeling is strong resistance. I'll be curious to hear both your thoughts on it and those of my Japanese friend who enthusiastically recommended it to me.

oh FUCK yes let's talk books!!!

since my last post, i actually *did* track down a copy of No Longer Human & i reread some of the parts that i remembered standing out to me

i haven't *re*read the entire thing, and i first read the book some years ago, so my memory is going to be spotty, but my feelings based on what i recall are more-or-less:

* the most interesting parts of the book, to me, were Yozo's friendships with Horiki and to a lesser extent Takeichi. both, i think, really capture the sense of ineffability, strangeness, and randomness that color a Certain Type Of Friendship.

in Takeichi's case, it seems altogether improbable that this kid, of all kids, is the one who sees so clearly & easily past Yozo's clownish facade. and yet he does, and that being-seen aspect draws them together—in a strange, uncomfortable way; i don't think it's shaped like an ordinary teenage friendship. but it's a togetherness of a sort nonetheless.

and in Horiki's case—okay, one, yes, i just like hard-drinking good-for-nothings in fiction in general, haha. BUT ALSO, their friendship was so *weird* but also... so palpable and familiar in some ways... in the weird way that you can consciously think "this person is pretty garbage" but still feel drawn to them & hang out with them anyway? i feel a little awkward saying that since it makes *me* sound two-faced, lol, "wow Lua are you saying you have friends you don't even like? and you don't tell them that?? you just keep hanging out with them???" and like no of course not, as a rule, but... well, sometimes you don't really consciously realize that you don't actually like being around someone for a while due to Complicated Factors, or maybe there's some uncanny subconscious thing you're Drawn To that makes you ignore the rest, or sometimes the friendship is just plain Fractious but still feels like a friendship, albeit one that makes you feel weird or alienated or shitty in unpredictable ways. that sort of thing isn't usually stable long-term but it exists and it makes sense the one in the book goes on as long as it does, with how much Yozo is sort of... willing to be led along, simultaneously repulsed by Horiki but defaults to an agreeable personality to get by, sees some potential for a surcease of his suffering in drink and hookers and such, etc.

it's a lot like falling in love, in a way, come to think of it. like, the sort of dark-funhouse-mirror companion to it. i don't think we can choose who we are attracted to or like or even love, to a certain extent. we are humans but also animals, drawn to each other's warmth. and yeah a lot of what pulls Yozo toward Horiki is just Horiki's baseline pushy personality (the way he's introduced!!! when he asks to borrow some cash and then says "great now i have enough to buy us some beers," it's so bold/cheeky haha), and Yozo's people-pleasing-ness, and all that, but i do think there was at least a seed of, there is something wrong with him that is also wrong with me and that draws them together. or whatever.

(i guess this is *sort of* related to a thing Elena Ferrante's My Brilliant Friend was getting at, with the whole Intense Love-Hate Rivalry With Childhood BFF there, but i bounced off of that one because the contours of that relationship were like. too much, lol. it kind of reminded me of how, growing up, my boomer mom would talk about all her experiences as a preteen/teenage girl were just vicious weird one-uppy judgy infighting and Harsh Judgments Based On Appearances, and how that was what she observed at a high school English teacher too, and girls are just LIKE THAT... you cannot just be friends you have to be WEIRD INTENSE RIVALS... and like okay yes i get that apparently that is the experience of a lot of teenage girls. but *my* teenage girl experience was being a chill nerd who hung out with a variety of reasonably well-balanced chill nerd chicks and we had our share drama but it was never the... catty intense rivalrous sort of drama you saw as The Ambient Norm in the Ferrante novel lol. so it did not particularly vibe with me & wasn't depicted in a way that made me want to keep reading; i was like oh god i've Heard This from mom and culture and etc already so many times and i am bored with it!)

ANYWAY. i think this may be an unconventional read on things lol. i'm sure other people have a different vibe off of Horiki especially. but that was the part that remained fixed in my memories years later & had me scrambling to source a copy

* however, things in the novel that were *not* one of those friendships were less interesting and less resonant to me. and the whole book is written in a rather bald style that didn't really work for me, even on reread. to riff on your comparison, Holden Caufield has a very compelling voice. here i just found myself a little tired out by how often the narrator's just saying stuff along the lines of "people are terrible," "there is nothing to relate to," "i had no connection with other human beings whatsoever," just kinda like. On The Nose. and unremittingly bleak, which was obviously a deliberate decision, but there wasn't enough else going on to make that unremitting bleakness work for me

* it's funny you mention the "sympathy for depressed sadboi protag" thing—historically, i think i've been *less* drawn to that sort of thing than my peers, which is probably part of what made the book fall flat for me. though i've certainly become more sympathetic to them as i've gotten older—i feel like when you have a room full of teenagers reading Catcher in the Rye, the reactions you get are, (1) kids with blessedly-pretty-happy lives so far, who are like "wow i don't really get this," (2) kids who have taken some knocks but find something repulsive/"not like that" in how Caufield copes with it as compared to themselves, and (3) kids who... relate to the guy! (and sadly they often Read The Room and are unwilling to pipe up during class discussion, since, y'know, will they be derided as wusses for feeling for Caufield. which is sad, and also kind of... proves the book's point...)

anyway yeah as a teen i was in the (1) camp and it took, y'know, Some Life Experience & just becoming a more empathetic person & taking a few knocks myself that certainly made me appreciate those sorts of books a lot more. ...but yes, even given all that, Yozo is kind of A LOT hahaha

* i know part of the reason i didn't give up on the novel entirely was because i read Dazai's novella Schoolgirl first, and Schoolgirl floored me. that one worked for me *incredibly* well and i still think about it from time to time. it's more melancholy than bleak, but there are plenty of bleak books i like just fine—i just think Schoolgirl is better-written overall haha. i spammed some thoughts about it here back in the day; it's a super-quick read (i read it in one sitting at an Irish bar) if the mood ever strikes you to give Dazai another shot...!

[queenlua]

to shore, 2025 screen print, papercraft

made a "squash" accordion book... quite pleased with how this one turned out!! the back cover is exactly how i wanted hahaha

[queenlua]

listen everyone is always dunking on verso for his insanely suicidal moveset and that's correct. but maelle ALSO has a 'reduce hp to 1 for buffs' move. what I'm saying is lune is the only bitch on this expedition who doesn't want to kill herself at least a little

[queenlua]

TOP CANDIDATES FOR HOW THAT "RECRUITMENT" CONVERSATION PLAYED OUT:

clea tries very hard to be Nice. because this is Important. she can be Nice and Tactful when it's Important.

-> but it turns out clea being Nice is so awkward and forced that verso ends up straight-up laughing at her

-> and that goes over badly enough that she abandons Nice entirely

alternatively: the conversation is extremely Icy and Pragmatic and Distant. she is not talking with her brother's shadow. she is not even communicating with a person. she is delivering Clean Faultless Logic to an automaton, and said automaton would have to be stupid to argue with her. what, are you stupid? (if you've ever heard a lawyer use their I Am So Right And You Would Be Stupid To Argue With Me voice, you know what i'm talking about lmao)

-> this works because, well. if you've ever heard a lawyer use that voice you know what i'm talking about

-> or, this doesn't work because verso cottons on that it is a Distancing Strategy; if this becomes a conversation between Two People then that could get icky feelings-wise. and he starts pushing things that way just to watch clea squirm

alternatively: the conversation is going great, actually, except Verso gets Weirdly Emotional of his own accord, not as a tactic, just because come on this dude admitted to a teenager that he writes sad poetry, of course he's got a weepy streak, and that throws clea just as badly even if she would drink rat poison before letting it show

aside: it just occurred to me that it would be tremendously funny if real!verso also had a latent deathwish. like, yeah yeah he was doing it to save Alicia or whatever, but also, he'd had some at-minimum idle suicidal ideation going on since he was like five years old. "luck is when preparation meets opportunity" but for lethal house fires yaknow. turns out painted!verso's self-destructive streak is just A Thing You Gotta Paint In Or It Doesn't Resemble Real!Verso

[queenlua]

fun facts du jour:

(1) some hero on youtube uploaded the slow version of Verso's theme. thanks hero on youtube

(2) the regular version of Verso's theme is in D minor; the slow version is in A minor. which i think explains why the latter sounds a lil more something to my ear? (trying to put my finger on the difference DID drive me insane most of today and i only JUST got in front of a keyboard to prove that to myself so uh. please enjoy the fruits of my random fixation lol)

extremely annoying that the official Clair Obscur soundtrack is like a billion hours long but is STILL missing a few tracks

where is the version of verso's theme that actually plays during the scene where he first appears (much slower / more intimate-sounding version imho with a few distinct note choices)! where is the version of "l'amour d'une soeur" that plays during that scene on the bench in lumiére! i need to listen to them on loop for 800 hours c'mon

[queenlua]

once upon a time in college, a dear friend who taught me Everything I Know About Rap came back from winter break like "yo, do you listen to much rock music?"

and i'm like "yeah, why?"

and he's like "well i've never really listened to it before in my life. so i decided to give it a try. and there's some good stuff in there. like, i just discovered this band called Coldplay, have you heard of them?"

and it did take all my strength as a friend to not TOTALLY roast him because lmao omg bro were you in a coma when Clocks and/or Viva La Vida were fuckin everywhere??? how even. incredible

(and as a reward for my noble restraint, i got to make him that day's lucky ten thousand for like ten different Kickass Rock Bands Everyone (Except You) Has Heard Of)

anyway. i'm pretty sure this is the piano-enjoyer equivalent of "yo has anyone ever heard of this Coldplay band", but it must be said:

yo, has anyone else noticed that this Alfred Cortot guy fucking rules at piano???

[queenlua]

i'm so glad Blue Prince's fiendishly tricky late-game parlor puzzles prepared me for deciphering the utterly inscrutable wall of nested clauses in this fucking Clang AST matcher written by (presumably) some underpaid grad student

[queenlua]

Rachel Barkman

[queenlua]

[queenlua]

"strange way to say thank you" is such a "really, bro?" kind of line even when Verso first drops it

but

with the fullness of Everything I Know Now it's ahgeiaahahahaha oh my god Verso & your incredible faux-put-upon-ness, he's such a weasel & i love He

[queenlua]

there is a lot of fun worldbuilding in Clair Obscur that nonetheless dissolves like snow in water the second you scrutinize it too closely

which i think is a 100% Fine And Correct Choice for this style of narrative (the inconsistencies generally don't matter for the main plot or the execution of any of the emotional beats)

but it is also designed in a lab to drive me personally batty b/c how the fuck am i supposed to wring a consistent timeline out of this for my silly little fanfiction