#and my response was ‘probably not because i think im the only person in the middle of the chappell roan/south park venn diagram’
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itll be alright
#it actually wont#💔#but hes just a baby. and she is his everything#the 3rd ep hurt me.....#but also thinking about how during the earlier times on the ark when he was much much younger#maria would be the only solace he would have#between the scientists treating him like a test and subjecting him to painful experiments just because he cant die#and the scorn of anyone else#the only place he can find warmth and love is in her light#shadow confused and lost not knowing his purpose well yet as hes forced to face all of it. like a scared animal#i know gerald would be decent to him but its never going to be more than firm kindness that wont ever take priority over his responsibility#they gave him his rings but in the early days they probably wouldnt be bothered to dress him and just let him go from the lab as is#hes doing it all for her but hes just small#god#im feeling a lot#shadow the hedgehog#maria robotnik#my art#shadria#not romantic in this case. just his most important person. taisetsuna hito. etc. they need to make a tag for them pls
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Hellsing 2002 calendar illustration.
Ein wunderliche und erschröckliche Hystori von einem großen Wüttrich genant Dracole wayda Der do so ganz unkristenliche marrter hat angelegt die mensche, als mit spissen als auch die leut zu Tod geslyffen
A wondrous and frightening story about a great berserk called Dracula the voivode who inflicted such unchristian tortures such as with stakes and also dragged people to death
#hellsing#alucard#kouta hirano#translation was found in a comment by u/lazyfoxheart on r/Kurrent#fun fact this is the highest quality version of this image that exists online#i know because i've been looking forever for a version that's clear enough to actually read what hirano wrote under '1443'#but there weren't any so i had to take matters into my own hands#the real image on the back of the guidebook is only 2 inches tall so i had to take this with my smartphone and will my hands not to shake#anyway i'm pretty sure it's supposed to say Eğrigöz (the location vlad was imprisoned) so yeah. thank you hirano very cool#if i might rant for a sec it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure that out because i didn't have the guidebook at first#and in the images i could find online that part was just a blur that looked suspiciously like a person's signature and i was like. who tf#i was thinking matthias corvinus since he issued some political propaganda against vlad iirc but it didn't match his signature on wikipedia#then i thought it might be vlad II dracul's since he probably had to sign an agreement to send his sons over as hostages at some point#but that didnt seem right either so i kept skimming vlad's wiki page#and then i was like goddammit...hirano.....you just misspelled Eğrigöz didn't you.. ....#i maybe should've made a separate post dedicated to this instead of writing a novel in the tags but eh#the hellsing brainrot runs deep#also- i put it in the source link at the bottom of the post but the german inscription is copied off a real woodcut of vlad from 1491#except instead of depicting him as an adult hirano drew him as a child which gives the inscription a very different feel imo#the one final thing that interests me about this is the fact that hirano published this calendar in 2002#which is REALLY early in the series. like this was before volume 5 came out??#i have no idea why he decided to do a massive spoiler drop in a random piece of japan-only merch#sandwiched between a drawing of alucard as john travolta from saturday night fever and integra as a fish no less#it makes me really curious to know what the fan response to this was back then. like did people even know who this was#maybe im just an idiot and everyone back then was like 'ah yes its alucard as a 12 year old. how very informative'
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Chappell Roan at Gov Ball NYC 2024
#when we got to this part in the movie i leaned over to my best friend to say this and she said ‘oh has anyone made that joke yet?’#and my response was ‘probably not because i think im the only person in the middle of the chappell roan/south park venn diagram’#blabbermouth#south park#south park bigger longer and uncut
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sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.
but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.
I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.
(continue in tags)
#dont know why continuing in tags but here is more#sometimes we need to ask “why” and not just get mad about how we feel personally. because other people feel differently#yes im guilty of only thinking my feelings and situation and how it relates too and forgetting other peoples. i also need to learn#and everyone's feelings should be valid. just because something might “hurt” you it might be important for someone else#everyones feelings are valid. but we cant protect everyones feeling. so idk the solution#but stopping someone from having a small positive among a sea of nevgative seems a little mean to me#youre not being empathetic to their side. and i can turn it around and be not empathetic to your side and say stop being upset#and get over it and let people have fun. but i wont. i hear you. but at the same time maybe hear us too.#not everyone wants to live only negatively. youre allowed to but dont expect others to.#and yes i GET IT these things can make the allistics and neurotypicals be even worse towards us. but what do we do?#throw out any positivity we can find and grovel in our struggles because the allistics wont take us seriously?#DO THEY TAKE US SERIOUSLY WITHOUT THOSE SILLY TRENDY THINGS? NO! THEY NEVER HAVE#like i said i dont know the solution and everything still be used against us by those people anyway so might as well have fun?#if we focus on struggles they baby us and dont let us do things and block us from living life#if we focus on positive they dismiss our struggles and try to make us do what we cant and dont help us#we cant win! so its not “the 'tism” or whatever other things people made up that cause them to act this way#they already act that way and wont stop unless we figure out how to teach them! but i dont know how! im just a useless little creature#this is probably controversial and someone will get because i dont agree with their perspective despite respecting it#someome will comment to lecture me even though i get it. i do. but two things can exist at the same time!! idk what to tell you!#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#words are hard so dont know if i worded it well or not. probably not#also why take away fun things because another group used it for bad? make them stop the bad not stop the good!#i also might be missing more context. i think is about tiktok using these for bad. tiktok is just bad in general and i refuse to use it#why tiktok dictate and ruin our lives now in general? tiktok is really bad 😂 but that another conversation#no one yell at me and say i dismiss struggles of struggling autistics. maybe you dismiss me needing negative thing to have positive?#not in mood for negative response. will probably cry fhhddhsjdjdjkd#today is real struggle day but if i be little creature i feel better
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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Didn't get to smoke before work this morning (also not at all confident I took my meds) and while I'm managing the immense stress of the day (hello three new projects) rather well I'm reminded that the ritual of a spliff and a cup of coffee does in fact help keep my teeth dull and my temper subdued
#asked my fellow hiring committee members one of whom is my supervisor if i was really the only person who liked one candidate#and was blatantly honest that I think the issue at hand is the ego/insecurities of the man who oversees this role/department#and we have to toe the line of choosing someone good for the job and who wont be bullied by him/clash with him 24/7#and id been shocked that i was the only one who saw potential in one or two candidates and ultimately i think it's due#to the fact im less willing to let the supervisors insecurities/ego play a role in this. and i said as much#and the response was a laugh and 'well shit everyone duck for cover he might hear us james is getting nasty '#and I'm not really im just tired of pretending like that isnt the core of the issue here. his ego has been wounded for the whole o last yeat#*year and now he's continuously making it everyone else's problem and whomever gets this role with be the Andy to his Miranda#except he has so little to offer in terms of real guidance i feel. hes going to bully and boast and be petty to whomever gets chosen#but any attempt to say that to leadership will get waved away ultimately because he's leadership and he's fought to get his own admin#so rather than get someone with a diverse and varied skill set who can match him in work and intensity#we'll end up with some kid who probably cant set boundaries and will get steamrolled completely#so yeah im irritated by the whole process. and my lack of meds today is making it hard to play nice about it
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actually so funny (it isn't) that everytime i struggle to do something and i tell my parents about it they just respond with "you just have to do it." like. guys. if i could "just do it" i would NOT be complaining about not being able to do it!!
#this has happened so many times. why is that their default response#during online school 'i have 87 missing assignments and i cant concentrate on them. help.' 'just do them?' 'wow why didnt i think of that..#or my dad trying to imply that i had that many missing assignments on purpose??? buddy i am the same kid that would've rather died than-#-miss school. do you seriously think i would be behind on that shit on purpose??? in what world#every single time i struggle to do something and want advice they just tell me to do it. as if i couldn't have thought of that#especially when i realized part of why online school didnt work for me is because school and home were no longer separate#whenever i was at school (or just a general separate place where im Supposed to work on stuff) i could do it just fine#outside of school i would procrastinate so bad and have no motivation or concentration for anything#i told my mom i needed a separate place to work that wasnt my room and my personal computer. she told me to 'just do it'#and suddenly when i have a separate room and computer to work on (especially in a room i already had to work in before that)#suddenly i was able to concentrate! and get shit done!#and yet this same situation will probably happen again lol. bc my parents dont like listening and taking my mental problems seriously#but like. getting my own space allowed me to finish like 5 tarot cards in quick succession. in the previous MONTHS i only finished 3.#'hm i wonder why i could finish so many cards within a week. surely its not because of what my child said would help.'#like it mustve just been that i locked in somehow. not that i got accommodations.#anyway holy fucking essay i just typed out. i need to shower rn anyways. enough rambling from me for now
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But where do I put all this love? It's inside of me, growing and festering and threatening to explode out of me. Who do I give it to now? Where does it go? Where does it go to fade away? Where does it go to die a quiet death? There isn't a pair of familiar hands to receive it anymore, and no longer a welcoming mailbox waiting with its mouth open. Where does it all go and where should I put it? Who do I love now, the way I loved that boy?
#what a headache this is. i dont love him anymore which is just as well because oftentimes that ish HURT.#but whose hand do i hold who do i cook dinner for who will turn to me with laughter in their eyes#like they know i understand the joke who will hold the umbrella so far over my head their whole sleeve gets wet#who do i send letters to while full knowing i'll never get a response but still hoping for one who will wink at me across#the dinner tablr who will walk me home who will i think of while im dancing in the kitchen#who will i make tea for who will i agonize over while planning birthday and Christmas gifts#who will i love the same way? where do i put this mountain of love#what do i do with all the little specific ways i learned to love#and who will love me when the only person who has ever looked and me and said i love you and i want to cherish you#was also the person who made me feel like an afterthought a sincere but directionless fling#who made me feel undesirable and unseen and unwanted? i have never felt so unwanted the way i felt at the very end#anyway this is probably a sign that im up way too late anyway what is the point in wondering lol#since breaking up with the boy i have shot my shot with four other friendly candidates#and have been gunned down by disinterest or unfortunate barriers#since breaking up with him four of my friends have gotten engaged and one has begun a new promising relationship#and four others are pregnant. when will i not have to examine my heart#and see the ugliest kinds of covetous resentful thoughts and feelings and be like#ah yes this is not a healthy response#also no wonder the only boy who ever thought you were worth loving never loved you fully and completely#he signed up for what he thought was a beautiful heart a beautiful mind a beautiful soul no wonder he was disappointed
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hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.
and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.
i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.
where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).
but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?
#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady#but i don't ACT on it#and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human.#and at work we're stuck together#the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness#that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever.#bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't#i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention#i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you#you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it#it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments#to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy#and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you#that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit#like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to#modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind#and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill#3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO.#i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen#and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way#and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her!#'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!!#and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused??#like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ?#personal#*exhales* okay i feel better now#i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!!#but until i process it i can't let go#and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow#it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!
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hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol
#purrs#delete later#not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really#comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel#where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it#all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugly#and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fucking#getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest#colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought w#we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight#we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the#participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day a#and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half of#them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we#did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like… i#have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also#HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a#failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as#emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i#failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year#and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jfs#like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE#PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and#we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting#everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid#bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i#get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i#am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done.#ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that#just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol
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i feel like im gonna wind up sayin yes to being a manager but atm im still like. So hesitant. but i know myself and i probably will eventually wind up saying yes
#because i love saying yes to everything and taking on more responsibility and giving myself even less time to be a person outside of#school and work obligations#someone offers me a role or a promotion and i just say yes no matter what#on my hands and knees. i am. so busy. all the time#brot posts#well actually lets see how much more im gonna get paid#if its only $16/hr im gonna pass LMFAO#i think it will probably be $17 but idk.#i mean i havent been formally approached yet its just my two closing managers who are trying to scope me out#but the more i think about it there really isnt anyone else they can promote to manager without just. hiring someone directly into the role#bc im one of the employees whos been here the longest at this point 😭#and the second one below me is still in high school so shes out of the question#one above me already got promtoed to framing manager#since our framing manager was one of the ones who left recently#and the second one above me is like. a grandma and im pretty sure shes just here for some extra income#like shes solely a morning cashier and thats it#so its really just… Me … unless they hire someone directly into it.#i mean we have other employees other than the 4 including me i just listed but they are literally all just seasonal hires#hopefully we can retain a few but yknow for now theyre literally just seasonal
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Having a rain world oc moment. Dysfunctional family of the year award, they were so toxic that one of them found a way to kill themselves in a world where that was supposed to be physically impossible
#rat rambles#rain posting#oc posting#tbc Im talking abt my sliver local iterator group ocs that exists in a narrative place that borders on au#as in the stuff I do with sliver there is the sort of thing Id Never want to be anywhere near canon as I think the best thing narratively#would be for sliver to legitimately just be some guy who happened to find the solution first#but for my enjoyment and the sake of exploring some hashtag themes I chose to have this bubble where they should never breach#oh also idk if Ive said this but Ive renaimed star shes now a stars gaze 👍#just thought her old name was a bit too similar to moon's + it stood out a bit too much amongst the rest of her circle#I also should probably get around to doing a second take on her design at some point since my first concept was very eh#and then maybe one day Ill get to the other three lol#golden boon is a big maybe tho cause quite frankly I don't wanna figure out what I want to do with her design#oh this reminds me I should probably rename to the horizon too simply because her name is kinda boring#I mean all of them are in a way but like y'know#untold prosperity is more of a fit vibe wise than the other three but star is named after her location and the other two were named by a#shitty rich guy who built one of them to be a company town and the other to be a shitty rich person vacation spot#and by built I mean commissioned ofc#this is why boon's puppet just absolutely sucks for them to be stuck with due to it being decorated super heavily#like he has a full gold mask and everything she had to tear that thing off at some point to prevent fruther complications#I could just rename horizon to golden horizon for the bit#just make it abyndantly clear that these two had the same sponsor and he had no ideas#I might actually do that I think itd be funny#but yeah tbf to boon horizon and prosperity sliver mostly did what she did because of star#but on the other hand they absolutely did not help the situation at all and were violently emotionally distant from her the entire time#prosperity wasnt at first intentionally pushing sliver away. they were just too focused on trying to contact star after she cut her coms#but then star sent her 50 page essay on why she hates horizons guys and how she things theyre a horrible person and they snapped#the two used to have a fairly friendly relationship and were much closer back when they were the only two iterators in the area#but as the others came along a rift started forming between the two as prosperity tried rly hard to be the responsible one of the group and#felt that star was forcing all the work of maintaining their volitile fellow iterators onto them#and star felt like horizon had become less and less of a friend and more and more of a coworker every cycle
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he said he would stop bothering us since I apologized then like days after he goes on an alt and bothers, or what happened a week ago or so I HATE HIM HFHBBNNJhhrvrvrhhrrrjjjjjjj
#don't let them see this!#i feel very hypocrite because i'm bad and disgusting and i shouldn't like#i shouldn't be mad at him for that because we're. so very alike.#and i hate that he influenced me and i influenced him and everytime i think of him i feel awful and dirty and bad#i feel like im the bad person and he was right#he hurt himself because of me and i feel. awful for it.#i want him to get better but he terrifies me still#i dont want him to hurt me because i know he could#and then theres the fact that i know it's my fault any of this happened or#just being. very disgusting about it all because fear responses#i hate how i know we both care about eachother in very different weird ways i#i am still very grossed out by some of his messages it makes me feel so ill whenever i read stuff from him#and i hate how hes right about so much and he only is because hes projecting#and because we're alike its judt#ashhghhhgj#i really fucking hate jude#scout speaks#i cant even say he ruined me regardless of how i feel because i was probably always like this#i wish i was a jellyfish#twins in paradise music has been very comforting and today has been very guilty and awful#guilty / shameful ?#why do i linger on this stuff why do i feel so scared hes going to get me why do i??? pluh..#its best not to linger on this qnd i do anyway because i think I'll be safer if i do and all it does is make me feel bad#the actual worst thing is thinking anyone i get close to is him or friends with him and secretly trying to get info on me or hurt me and!!#agh
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got demoted and had my hours cut in half with only 3 days warning so i put in my 2 weeks yesterday LOL
#so glad i didnt leave my other job so i at least have smth to fall back on#been filling out applications like crazyyyy regardless tho#i just knew i couldnt stay there and continue to do my job without issue after this happened lol#im happy to be leaving i was getting paid less than min wage anyway LOLLLLL#also im literally the only person in the store who met performance standards well enough to avoid receiving a write up this month so lmfaoo#like idk i think im doing okay. this literally only happened bc i made a (valid) complaint about disliking working completely alone#and because I Just Don't Think The District Manager Likes Me and she does not use her power responsibly#but thats none of my business 🐸☕️#anyways what job should i do next. waitress era perhapsies???#i did like being a manager i just need to find a better company that will give me a fair shot#we shall see it's probably just gonna be whatever i hear back from first atp
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imagine cregan and y/n breaking the bed one night just because of his sheer strength and muscle whilst pounding her, ik the conversation with the winterfell wood crafter would be awks as hell afterwards whilst asking for it to be repaired 😇😇
IM HAVING A PROPHETIC VISION, ANON.
At this point, Cregan and his boo thang are just going to have to become familiar with the man. There is no other option, because your choices are either to have this embarrassing conversation a multitude of times with multiple woodcrafters or just one. Because if y'all think this is a one-time thing, you are terribly mistaken.
Cregan is a very passionate person in bed, regardless if he's on top or not. He wants to make sure the two of you are satiated—that does mean the bed will snap like a twig under a boot i dont make the rules i just work here. Personally, I find the actual deliverance of the bedframe to be the most mortifying. Firstly, that big ass broken bed has to be dismantled and removed, if it's not fixable, which takes manpower, and then the new one brought into the Great Keep and put together. Otherwise, the woodcrafter is going to have to make a house call and show up with his tools and planks, walking toward your marital chambers which is embarrassing too :)
ɴᴏᴛ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ. (thoughts ver.)
NSFW stuff under the cut. 18+ only. I'm not responsible for the content you choose to consume. ty.
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That familiar groan under his weight should've been the first warning sign, but Cregan was too distracted to notice. He was lapping at her pretty cunt, tongue delving as deep as he could go and as thorough as he could be without the motions being too unsteady. Alright maybe he did notice initially, but the thought was very quickly shoved to the back of his mind—especially when his pretty wife was trying to rock herself onto his nose, letting out the most quiet of whimpers muffled by their sheets. His ears were focused on her and her only.
With her pearl rubbing against his bridge and his cock feeling so strained in his trousers, no one could really blame him for forgetting about the delicate state of the bed in an instant. Last time they’d gotten particularly frantic in their lovemaking, there had been a low snap somewhere beneath the mattress, a taunt that he was probably too hefty to be moving so much. But winter was coming, a man’s gotta eat…in more ways than one.
By the time he’d recalled they should begin to take it easy on the bed, he was already balls deep behind her, hands gripping the flesh of her ass like a lifeline. He was suffocating in the best way, cock nestled inside, fogging his brain with nothing but instinct. And then she started begging. By then, well, he decided they needed a new bed anyway—six moons wasn’t too bad. Lasted longer than the previous replacement. Three harsh, unrelenting spanks bloom red on her backside as she squeezes around him, sending his blood pumping to the beat of an imaginary war drum. It would be a miracle from the Gods if she wasn’t pregnant by mid-summer. Cregan just couldn’t help himself.
Rutting against her like a man starved, the right side of the bed almost completely collapses, caving in and nearly throwing him off balance. His wife gasped, pleasure momentarily halted as she looked back at him. “Again? Seriously? I told you to write to him last time, did you?” The answer was no, no he did not. “It might have…slipped…my mind.” He murmured, trying to ignore the throbbing in his full balls. They had a silent conversation of glares and a sheepish grin. Then she concedes. “...We might as well finish then. I doubt it can get any worse.”
It could, actually. And it did. He came hard some twenty minutes later, pounding their hips together with a steady desperation. The dip of the broken side was a little annoying, but manageable. Without the support, the right beams of the canopy end up falling right down. No one was harmed, of course. It was only drapes. Cregan found it almost comical but his wife did not. It was going to be a long letter.
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#dingdonganswers#hotd#house of the dragon#cregan stark imagine#cregan stark x reader#cregan stark#cregan x reader#cregan stark x female reader#cregan stark fanfic#cregan stark smut
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i’ve never done this before…
18 + only, please!
ellie x f!loser!reader
a/n: so basically i was on janitor ai because i’m genuinely an addicted freak and this was inspired by a chat i had :3 im also replaying tlou2 bc i cant stop i need it i need it i need it. also i think a LOT more things make sense now, so i think you should replay after u play it.
brief summary: ellie is ur big sister’s best friend! but, unfortunately you’re dubbed an “annoying little sister,” your sister’s not home, ellie’s high when she comes over, and ur a loser nerd who can’t deal with confrontation :(. (au if it wasn’t obvious!)
tw / DUBCON?, ellie is very mean, degrading, praise, pet names, reader is a virgin, small age gap if you really squint, porn without a plot, rushed sex, scissoring (tribbling?), use of y/n i think…
⋆ ˚。⋆ ꪆৎ ˚
with a grunt, you pulled your pajama pants up the rest of the way. you were headed to the door after hearing seven hard knocks on the door.
“hello—“ you began, cutting yourself off when you see ellie, your sister’s best friend. “ellie?” you glanced behind her, then behind yourself. “she’s not home right now.”
“yeah, yeah,” she slurred, and your lips went into a thin line from her state, so obviously intoxicated. “she told me come ‘n wait. she’s gettin’ her shit rocked, ‘r whatever. she dropped me off ‘ya know? said you wouldn’t mind. you don’ mind, do you?”
being such a caring person had its ups and downs. you weren’t fond of ellie, and she wasn’t fond of you. she had been your biggest bully throughout the entirety of middle and high school. but, you couldn’t deny her entry. she could get hurt or worse, and you didn’t want that. or to be responsible of it.
you adjusted your glasses, eyeing her with a thoughtful look. her eyes were halflidded, red, and she smelled disgusting. she eyed you right back, her stare almost intimidating.
“no, ellie. i don’t mind,” you said begrudgingly, stepping aside to allow her in. you watched her make her way around the all-too-familiar home while you shut the door. you mentally prepared yourself for tending to her needs; you knew she’d tell if you hadn’t. you also prepared for the anger she would inevitably feel. she was an angry person when intoxicated. you leaned against the door and watched her opened the fridge.
“what do you got?” ellie asked, shutting the refrigerator and looking at you. “what’re you gonna make?”
“i don’t know,” you responded and took a glance at the stove. you hadn’t noticed what she took from the fridge, only gasping when you heard the familiar sound of a beer opening. “hey, hey, hey! that’s my dad’s!” you watched ellie shrug and give you a “so what?” look. “stop it, that’s not good for you!” you rushed over, reaching for the beer, but her rough hand kept you in place as she chugged it down. “ellie, stop! you’re already high, that’s gonna make it worse; ellie, stop!”
“and what the fuck do you know?” she asked as she slammed the beer bottle of the counter, “you stupid fuckin’ loser, what the fuck is wrong with you? i’ll do what-the-fuck-ever i want. you’re such a fucking lame-ass, you won’t even take a lil sip o’ this thing,” she stuck the beer can up to your mouth, which you turned away from, “that’s what i thought, you stupid bitch. you’re probably a virgin, too, huh? you don’t even try- nobody even tries for you. no man, no woman, no whatever. never been in a relationship, never been in fuckin’ nothing. you are such a fucking loser.”
your jaw was slack, almost looking like a fish out of water as it tried to shut and open.
“you’re too high for this,” you said slowly, still shocked at her words. you took a step back, your back pressing against the island counter.
“you don’t know the first thing about ‘too high,’ jackass. bet you never had a dick in you before. too busy studyin’ your stupid fucking books to be the good girl you are. can’t even do this because you’re always bein’ a teacher’s pet, always bein’ a goody-two-shoes, know it all, fucking bitch. probably got a few toys like the desperate freak you are. maybe a dildo? nah, you want that pussy t’stay tight, huh?” you thought it couldn’t get worse than the insults before, but this was insane. your eyes were wide, shock filling your features.
“ellie!” you gasped in horror and embarrassment, “i— i’m calling my sister!”
“you’re a fucking snitch!” she giggled, pointing at you. “she doesn’t care what the fuck i’m saying to you. she’s too busy slutting herself out to give a fuck about your pathetic ass, baby.”
“go away, ellie,” you whimpered out, eyes at the ground. you attempted to push past her, but her hands gripped your wrists. “please.”
“you’re not getting rid of me,” she growled, her beer-breath filling your nostrils, “you’re a goddamn joke. i’m not going anywhere ‘til i’m good ‘n ready. you just know i’m right.” she leaned in, her lips brushing your cheek as she whispered deep into your ear, “you just want my hands all over you, don’t you, y/n? i’ve seen how you watched me. you want a real woman’s hands on ‘ya. all of over your pretty body, hm?”
“no,” you whispered right back, your brows furrowed. this was your sister’s best friend. this was just… wrong; you couldn’t explain it, but it wasn’t right. and she was high! she didn’t know what she was doing, what she was saying, but her touch felt so…
“don’t you lie to me,” she huffed her breath hot in your ear, “you wanna get touched bad. you know you do. you want my hands slidin’ down your pretty panties and touchin’ that clit. make you cum all on my hand. you want that, don’t you?”
“ellie,” you almost moaned out at her dirty talk, your brows knitted together in conflict. your hand went to cover your mouth as her hand slipped beneath the waistband of your pjs and simultaneously your underwear.
“let it out, baby,” she told as your hand muffled a broken moan, “you’re already so, so wet for me. this pussy’s just beggin’ for my touch, huh?” her finger-pad ran across your clit and your knees buckled. she giggled in response, a lazy grin plastered on her face. “mm, ya feel that? this’s what y’ve been missin’ out on with all that nerdy bullshit you do.” her fingers slipped easily inside you, making your eyes roll with pleasure; another moan escaped your throat. “y’so tight. just like i thought.” she pulled her fingers out, quickly giving them a lick before tugging your bottoms down. “oh, baby…” she moaned at the sight, licking her lips as she took you in. “look at that pretty pussy. mhm, ‘n all f’r me, huh?” she knelt down, getting face to face with your cunt. “answer me.” she kissed at your inner thighs. all you could do was watch, trembling under her dominating touch.
you yelped, jumping in surprise as she bit your thigh harshly.
“i said answer.”
“y-yes! all for you, ‘s all for you,” you whimpered, whining as her mouth finally met with your drooling pussy. your resolve had slipped away, only thinking about that needy, touch-starved vulva of yours. “oh, ellie…” she grinned as she watching you come undone, your fingers slipping into her hair and tugging at it. she lapped and lapped at your clit, tongue running circles around the sensitive bud. she gave it a last kiss before she pulled away, smirking at your distress.
“preview, baby. all that was. go to your room, m’followin’ you.”
you were anxious to walk, taking just a moment before giddily rushing to your room. the masculine woman easily followed your direction, shutting the door hard behind her as she pulled you down to the bed with her. her hands were immediately on you as you lay atop her, caressing and running down your back, cupping your ass and squeezing.
“you’re so ready for me baby, aren’t you?” she asked with a small smirk playing at her lips. “you wanna grind that pretty pussy on mine, don’t you?”
“i-i’ve never done this before, i-i don’t know what to do,” you admitted, although she already knew your circumstance.
“makin’ me do all the work, you pretty lil pillow princess?” she teased, that same lazy grin on her face. she easily flipped you over, watching your eyes widen in surprise. “god, how are you so perfect…” she moaned softly to herself, her hands running down your sides, down your legs, and down your calves. she reached her jeans, unbuttoning them and tugging them down quickly. you gulped as you eyed her pubic mound, her dark hair trimmed finely.. she lifted your hips up, appreciating your vulva once more. she used her thumb to lift up your clitoral hood, bending down to meet the pearl with her tongue. “mm, god, i can’t get enough of you. pull your shirt up, wanna see those tits ‘ve been wantin’ to see.” you did as you were told, quickly pulling your nightshirt up and showing her your breasts. a groan left her throat as her hands reached out to touch them, tweaking and rolling your nipples between her fingers.
“please,” you whined, your head tilted back. “please, ellie…”
“oh, i know you’re so needy, huh? never done this before? never been touched so good by another girl b’fore, huh?” ellie teased once more, and all you could do was nod. it was all true. “say it, baby. tell me how much of a loser you are.”
with an embarrassed grimace, you obliged, “i-i’m a big loser. ‘ve never, ever gotten laid ‘n i wanna… oh!” you gasped as you felt the sensation of her pussy meet yours. “ellie…” her hips ground against yours, your clits bumping and running across each other.
“you like this? my pussy all over yours?” she growled, rolling her hips to meet your cunt. “fuck, you’re so wet.” you moaned out, your hands trying to find a place to stay as they flailed. they gripped the sheets and you watched above as her pussy slid across yours. you both glistened with a thin layer of sweat, your bodies becoming hot with arousal. “you feel so fucking good.”
“yes,” you cried, “more.” and she gave you more, her hips rolling with fervor while you writhed in pleasure. “p-please— ellie!”
“yeah, scream my name you little slut,” she purred, her auburn hair sticking to her sweaty face. “let ‘em know— let the neighbors know you’re finally getting laid.”
you continued to moan her name, completely drunk on this feeling. she let out small little ‘just like that’s’ as your voice echoed off the walls of your room.
it was intense, your bodies moving together and so perfectly in sync. sweat dripped from her forehead onto your belly, slightly coating your skin. her hands gripped your chest as she ground against you, the position slightly awkward, but pleasing nonetheless as your heats mushed together in symphony. sloppy squelches filled your ears, almost drowned out by your moans and cries as she took you.
“i’m gonna,” you began, tears welling up in your pretty eyes, “i’m gonna cum, ellie!”
“yeah? right on my pussy? cum right on my pussy, baby,” she moaned, her hands reaching her cup her own breast. you moaned, following her command like a dog as your canal contracting around nothing, costing her slick folds in all your essence. your body convulsed as you came, and the sight forced a moan out of her throat. “yeah, that’s it, my good girl, fu—ck… i’m cumming!” with her orgasm following in suit, she gripped your leg hard, riding out her orgasm as you tried to come down from your own. you whined from the overstimulation, feeling her arousal spread out on your flesh. she shushed you, her index finger on your lips as she calmed her breathing. she dropped your leg, plopping beside you with a grunt.
“t-that was good,” you said to her, your eyes lingering on her glistening face.
“mhm, now you get to brag to a—ll your nerdy, little virgin friends that you,” she jabbed a finger, “got laid.”
“you’re mean,” you huffed, a little pout on your face. she smirked, bringing a hand to the back of your neck and bringing you in to kiss.
“yeah?” she chuckled, “but you like it.”
#tlou2#tlou x reader smut#tlou smut#tlou x reader#lesbian#ellie tlou2#ellie williams x reader#ellie tlou x reader#ellie williams smut#ellie smut#ellie williams tlou#ellie williams the last of us#ellie x reader#ellie the last of us#ellie x fem reader#ellie#ellie williams#ellie tlou#ellie x reader smut#ellie x you#ellie tlou2 x reader#bisexual#hybridirl .𖥔 ݁ ˖#tlou2 smut#ellie williams x reader smut#tlou2 x reader smut#ellie x y/n#ellie tlou x reader smut#the last of us smut#the last of us x reader
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