#and was blatantly honest that I think the issue at hand is the ego/insecurities of the man who oversees this role/department

[lupismaris]

Didn't get to smoke before work this morning (also not at all confident I took my meds) and while I'm managing the immense stress of the day (hello three new projects) rather well I'm reminded that the ritual of a spliff and a cup of coffee does in fact help keep my teeth dull and my temper subdued

[calypsoff]

Twenty Seven.

Rolling my eyes hard while on FaceTime to Chris, you know what why is the man I love, also is the love of my life and I adore him so much, but he is so fucking stubborn. He has his moments where he will leave his ego at the door where he will obey me and what I say and then the next day he will refuse to hear me out or say I am being judgemental and I need to listen to what I am saying to him, it’s always my way, it never is anyways. But I swear he does shit and doesn’t think of the bigger picture at all “you got a face on with me?” So he says “not so much, you could be here with me in Cali but instead you’re there in Virginia about to do something dumb, it’s not even your child to care” I want to tell him no, I want to say to him if you love me don’t go but I know it will fall on deaf ears. I will look like the nasty one and that I look insecure when I don’t “exactly, show my face and go” I sniggered “that is the issue, you know why Chris. Do it, go. I am busy anyways, I think you need a lesson” rubbing my forehead “you are doing the most for nothing, it’s really nothing. But anyways I’m going to go and look pretty” annoying asshole “ok bye” disconnecting the call before he could say anything more, he just wants to annoy me “why does he purposely go out of his way to be an asshole!” I shouted “baby you could have said no, it’s easy” Mel added hearing the whole conversation, this is whole other issue. I don’t like how we are all dating people in the same circle, if shit goes wrong it will affect us “you don’t know Chris like I do, but you know what. Let him go, he hasn’t had the blogs be on his ass, he doesn’t know what it is like being famous and he will soon find out, I want him too. I’m going to rehearsal and ignoring him when he’s getting tagged in false claims, I don’t care for them. I just didn’t want the mess but let him, he will be calling me up saying I didn’t do anything. Let it happen Mel, who am I to hide him when he doesn’t want it from me, but I am angry, and until further notice I don’t want to know” shaking my head, he is going to get a nasty wake up call.

I enjoyed Virginia a lot, I loved how homie it was. I enjoyed my time with Chris, and I loved it all. It was a real good time away to be honest, it was my home when I was doing the exchange programme, I loved that his family treated me well and I feel Chris and I are closer than ever. But he just needs to stop trying to hear his own voice, like he doesn’t need to go but he will. And I can’t wait to hear him call me and say I didn’t do anything when they are dragging him, me. I have become immune to it, Chris will get a lesson in this “you have a face like thunder, the dancers are going to be shook” Mel said through her laughter “oh I’m not angry, I was just thinking. But how is you and Barry getting on? Is he less stubborn than Chris? Does he actually listen” Mel chuckled, she is laughing but I’m not, I hate when Chris is like this. Tries to be the man of our home, he knows damn well he will be crying to me “he’s a nerd, like Chris and I like that about him. He’s easy going, and we talk every day. He said that if we do end up being together and it works out well enough that he would move here and I’m like nigga already!? I mean I am not whipped at all but he’s nice, and easy going” I sighed out “oh brother, now why can’t Chris be this way” my man is a whole pain “because he likes to be the man of the house, I don’t know. Something he will get over but I’m excited” I’m scared of this whole relationship with friends’ things, I am just not sure of what to make of it. I feel like we will be judging each other, maybe that’s me because Chris is being a pain, but I hope it’s not what I assume it will be, I want better for me, for him, for us to be honest.

Robyn is cute, like she left me her gold chain. I mean it’s cute and small, but she left it behind, I think she did, or she purposely left it here, but I am wearing it anyways. Putting my snapback backwards, I wore the chain anyways, but I am just wearing the minimum, I wore white tee and grey sweatpants. I am just going to go to the thing and then leave, I am there for the free food like the fuck. It’s not even that deep, like I don’t understand why it’s a big thing, I mean I get it but it’s nothing. Go there and leave, that is it. I am late anyways, I told him I am going to go there late because I don’t want to be there all day. They are having the reveal at a hall, so I will turn up and then leave. I showed my face, I am there for my nigga so does it matter. Closing my bedroom door and making my way down the steps “where are you going?” Desean asked me “out, I will be back. Dad, I am borrowing the car!” I shouted; I been borrowing the car every day since being here. I need to get my own car; this is my list for my family. A new car for them, a new home. A bigger one anyways, they deserve it “when will you be back?” my dad asked “I won’t be long, I am going to see TJ” my dad nodded his head “uh, isn’t it Seiko gender party today? I saw someone post a little something about it” nodding my head “anyways, bye” I don’t need to hear anyone speak on this, I know what I am doing. This is my life, I need to take a hold of it in a way of making big money, I need to get into that life. And I think California, well me being in California will do me good. I need that in my life, I need to win big for me and my family and also Robyn, I need to do it for her too.

Locking my car door and making my way to the hall, these Jordan’s I have on right now are brand new, I just bought them today and these sweatpants is what Drake gave me from his clothing line, dope. I ain’t dressed up, I ain’t even shaved so if anyone thinks I made the effort then they lying as fuck. Licking my top lip pulling open the door to the place, I told TJ I am coming, and he came to meet me “I am so fucking happy to see you my brother” TJ hugged me “nigga got a whole fucking clown suit on” Barry snorted laughing “I had to look the part, I got the Burberry tie on. Man, my momma is so happy about this. I hate it” moving back from the hug and dapping Barry “well of course you ain’t going to be happy, shit was a mistake” I chuckled “is Seiko brother’s here?” not like I care “mhmm yeah, they trying to beef me up but whatever” of course “I am hungry, where the food at. There better be chicken wings” rubbing my stomach “nigga I paid half, I made sure there was. We wait on you so come. We can get some alcohol and food” nodding my head, least they waited on me. I don’t care for anyone, just my brother’s.

Licking my fingers as I placed the paper plate down, I am getting weird looks from people I don’t know “little rat, why you keep coming here?” TJ said to his sister “can I get a picture with you?” wiping my hands on my sweatpants “who?” I asked “you” she pointed “me!?” I spat half confused “can I? I want to tell my friends that I know you because you date Rihanna!” she half shouted, I chuckled “who is Rihanna? I don’t date Rihanna ma, see. The pictures you see they are photoshopped. I am single” I lied, but she doesn’t believe me. She seems more disappointed that I even lied to her, she looked down at her phone “my sister is pain bro, like she into this celebrity shit. Like live you damn life “look” she patted my lap, turning to her “oh wow, who is that woman?” she out here pulling out receipts of Robyn and I “stop lying, can I please have a picture with you. You’re super famous now” she is tripping “I am not famous, my god. It’s me Chris! I ain’t had this before with you” TJ nudged me “just do it bro so we can get rid of her” taking in a deep breath “fine, come here” waving her over “TJ take it” she passed her his phone and she openly sat in my lap, I ain’t into this picture thing “you look so annoyed, smile for me. Quick” I grinned at the camera “now go away! Leave us alone, dang” that is the weirdest shit to happen to me today.

Sitting back in my seat as TJ made his way to his baby mother, I find this hilarious to me. I know this nigga hates this, but he is putting on a front, I am so happy it wasn’t me. Chewing on my bottom, Seiko and I eyes met and she is just blatantly staring at me in a room full of people, I mean I wish she looked away, but I can tell she regrets things, she looked away as she should. Clearing my throat looking away laughing to myself “you look well Chris” looking to the side of me “I do? You look well too Kristie” moving my arm from the chair “you’re rather the celebrity in this joint, kind of knocked my best friend off her pedestal” moving my chair away from her as she sat down “I don’t bite, I mean you should know that” rubbing my hands against my sweatpants “I ain’t do shit, I come here to support my friend” there is one thing, I never fucked ugly bitches and I love that for me “likewise, she does love you and still does” I sniggered “right, and having sex with my best friend made that right” she pointed at me “you sir are a hypocrite, you fucked all her friends” shaking my head “she was right there, y’all was ok with it. She knew it was wrong from jump with TJ. She knew that” is this girl being real right now “I never liked her like that anyways, that is the point. I am happier, away from her” Kristie laughed “who wouldn’t be dating Rihanna? She is beautiful and rich, you tell me Chris did you purposely take her there to get with Rihanna?” shaking my head “I didn’t think Rihanna would even remember me like that, I love her so much and I don’t pass around that word much so you can’t say it’s like that when it’s not. Nothing to do with being rich, she is my childhood sweetheart” I don’t care, I will tell the whole world “that sent my friend a shut up letter, Seiko loves you still. I say good riddance, she says she lost but you look well. Better then I last saw you naked” she winked at me “it’s the tan” she got up from her seat “I suppose” watching her walk off, now I should have dated her between her and Seiko.

I clapped seeing that my friend is having a son, happy for him. I think if he was having a girl he would be even more depressed “are you dating Rihanna? You’re the guy she is dating” this girl pointed me out, I stopped clapping “huh, what?” I said all confused “you’re like the guy Rihanna is dating, she was in Virginia and she was at her old school, oh my god you are actually him. I follow him!” she shouted “I am just a regular dude” I put my hands up, in my defence I am “can we like take a picture with you? You are literally the sexiest light skinned nigga. I get why she would date you” I chuckled “I will pass on the photos” I walked by them “congratulations brother, a boy” dapping TJ “I am so happy, like I don’t know what I would do with a girl. Now you need to have a boy, then Barry we all going to have a day care” shaking my head laughing “you need to get Rih pregnant, on god” I shushed him “relax on that, she busy now. But I am happy for you” hugging him “thank you” I know he appreciates it “nice seeing you here” Seiko spoke to me, I stepped back keeping my distance “for TJ, I am going to see to Barry” dapping TJ walking off.

Barry is eating again “people are weird here, they all are speaking on Rihanna and I am her boyfriend. I am but the fuck. I am just a regular dude” Barry is stuffing his face “that makes you famous by affiliation now Chris, you famous” furrowing my eyebrows “that is bullshit, anyways. Kristie came up to me. Started speaking on Seiko still in love with me and shit. This is why I ran here but I think it’s my time to go” I think I do “can we talk?” Seiko is right there “about what? There is nothing to talk about” Barry stood next to me, I ain’t moving anywhere with her “did you go to her concert to get back with her, I hate myself. She was laughing at me all that time when she took you from me” taking in a deep breath “I was never yours, yes I was with you. I dated you but it really meant nothing when I always loved her, I did. I wish you let me go, take off my pictures. Move on, so you can be happier in yourself also. I came here for TJ, not to see you. I am going Barry, good luck with that” I pointed at her bump as I walked off, all I know is that I am in my city but people are acting mad weird now with this Rihanna shit and I want to run home.

[greywindow]

I will never understand what kept you near me aside from momentary need. I am happy you brought up all the ways you would never cherish me or protect me though. The true nadir began when you decided I was to “blame” for the state of our relationship. The true blame lied with you, it lay in the weeds you planted… I never even said it. Numerous times I tried to clarify that no one was “to blame”…. But i was wrong. It was you. Very simply it was the ways you would never cherish or protect me… Defend me when pressed… Sure… But only because you will defend anything…. You know unequivocally that I would have burned for you… Even if only to prove you were worth it… I would have never even attempt to ask 20% of that of you because I would have been simply disappointed… And even that was a stress I simply bore, not recognizing it for what it was. So when you made my two breakdowns… Yes breakdowns Under the stress of supporting and caring for someone who seems to care about anyone other than the two of us more than anything. When I get to repeatedly hear about how willing you are to help your friends get their lives moving forward… And how you sacrifice everything of yourself to a relationship and see none of that reflected on me….. Reading and writing with your one friend Listening to the music and reading the lyrics of your other friend (who you secretly love and pine for after reading the lyrics while telling everyone else in your life but not me) Constantly waiting for video and art updates from your other friend (who in public you refer to as your wife and lover but I am some unnamed shadow) And constantly going on discussions of cosplay with online friends and getting a couple “oh yah we’ll do some stuff so I can show off your body” basically…. For me. So yes. On the days you decide to be blatantly cruel due to some hidden and callous “slight” I cast your way or some offense to your astrology and drag out my punishment for an hour or two of silence, dejected refusal to acknowledge reality amd deciding my attempts to help you are really more proofs of me being hurtful or ignorant…. Or the day I was told my grandmother was entering palliative care and you decided it was a good argument to smash my property and scream almost hysterically until you had to be physically restrained and even then almost clawed out my eyes? On those days…… I finally break down. I dont know if anyone reads this or takes the time. I don’t care. You can judge me and say “what kind of man loves like this”? I do not care. I was willing to give this woman anything because that seems to be my role in meeting inescapably damaged people… It is the wound I carry and it doesnt bother me, now that i know what it is… I have been made to feel like the smallest nothing but I am intellectual and well built physically to the point that I can destroy people mentally or physically, people can be afraid of me just by being me…. When I stumble across someone female in the situation of being bent and damaged but not broken by the world I feel comfortable enough to give up my control to them because they can teach me the softness I don’t have. In the process, for the first time… They have the opportunity to hurt, the power of control… And the passed few haven’t handled that responsibility very well. You were no different. I don’t judge you for it, although it is true. You took the ability to be Poison Ivy with her Bane and gave it up because you didnt agree with the symbolism and instead wished for Superman, a few thousand miles away. I wouldn’t have cared. I am a Gemini remember (you’re with me if you want to be or you arent. Case closed)…. I could easily live with that… But you took my dedication to you and turned it into something wrong or bad You took away any chance of forgiveness for the two times i broke down and made it into that being who or what I am. You know my ability to cause violence and I never once turned it towards you even a tiny bit…. Because my tiny bits would cause incredible damage to someone as tiny as you… And yet…. When you made me out to be the problem, that hint of violence was your goto. That was why I broke down for the third and final time and why I cant speak to you until the passage of years has grown you, or until you grow into rest of the 98%‘ers and the point is moot. I would have burned for you. I gave up some of the things that men think make them men for you. You had a Lion that would give you his belly. I dont mind that you didnt love me. C'est la Vie. It hurt, not going to lie. There is no way I would have broken down the way I did and shouted you out of my house the way I did had you simply told me that. You dont have the right to say things about me in regards to love because that honour goes to your “friend”. I want to be clear. He didn’t break us up. You did. This is not about your feelings for the other people you pretend to be poly with. This is about your lack of empathy and love for me. I am sure you have people you have talked about astrology with and even if I was mentioned alongside his name… The focus turned to him and progressed with me as a side note. How many people have seen his chart? How many people have seen mine? Has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with you. You couldn’t even see I was literally crumbling internally that last morning when I lost it… Its not that you have some different form of love than I, its that you don’t love me. A year in I never would have given two shits whether or not you loved me, but it kind of sucks to see you more in love with yourself and him than I. And you are only being disingenuous to yourself from this point if you don’t see it. When I finally broke down I was like turning in circles and I turned to you in some weird confusion to hug you (because i didn’t know what else to do) you only saw the beast and not the cub…. Remember telling me about needing to cry? Had you hugged me then amd petted my head and told me it would be alright this story would be different. That would have been the action of both a friend and a lover to seeing the one they care for in obvious distress. You put your hands out like I was unclean… And I still didnt even really know what I was doing. Do you know I actually can’t even remember at what point or what was said when I lost it…. That whole period I almost stood outside myself and watched me spin my wheels and wring my hands turning this way and that before turning to you for a hug… I want you to know if you made it this far that I dont hate you. I reserve my true indifference for those I hate. You would never get this piece of writing. I will never mail this to you though. It will remain buried here for a long as it remains a digital memory of this time. If you find it, even then you may still blind yourself. So here it will remain… I don’t need to prove anything. I never did, thats why when a fool and a wise man argue its hard to tell the difference… I dont have any of the “pride” or ego based contradictions to iron out, prove or make fundamental to my life…. I live just fine in my skin, its you my dear that has those issues to follow through on. My lesson was to truly learn my role as the Blackbird in your life and if the alignments continue to bring me more like you I will only learn to be more patient and more caring until I get it right. One day when you are willing to be honest with yourself and actually sit down and learn who you are as a concept and not as what a concept defines you as we will talk. If there is the core inside you that everyone spiritual can see and that you cannot it will grow and break itself free of you and leave this cage behind… That will require you discovering your spirituality and that is inside not in some book or forum of painters all painting with the same color. Maybe you see the things I write, maybe not. This really isnt for you although I talking to you, its for me. I can finally just let you go… It’s taken so long and I am still hurt and mad, i am happy i know though and it’s worked its way through to the separation of our energies. I was thinking about how you would feel if you pushed him numerous times to the breaking point until he had his two breakdowns in the year you spent in his presence… And i realized that it wouldn’t happen because you are trying to buy your redemption and self worth through him… Because it was only his ex that pushed him to the point where he couldn’t handle it… Not sure how self aware you were when you made the claim that you could be like her to him… You heard and felt his pain over it, and you have projected your own insecurities into that place. The damsel in distress bit probably worked with whatever guy in town you were talking to before we were done, and if it has any effect on your true love…. It was only to show him where he wouldn’t find his redemption. The round about funny thing is… And i have never considered it until now people who have the “unrequitted” love syndrome pass it on karmically to the ones that follow.... sure to subconscious projection of superiority over the same arch type that previously caused them intense pain… You dont have to get over me, I have now finalized my getting over you... Its you who has to get over him. Maybe one day when you are ready to admit some things to yourself we will talk again... and if not then maybe in our next lives we can be cats. Take care of yourself