#and see the ugliest kinds of covetous resentful thoughts and feelings and be like | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thebirdandhersong · 2 years ago

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But where do I put all this love? It's inside of me, growing and festering and threatening to explode out of me. Who do I give it to now? Where does it go? Where does it go to fade away? Where does it go to die a quiet death? There isn't a pair of familiar hands to receive it anymore, and no longer a welcoming mailbox waiting with its mouth open. Where does it all go and where should I put it? Who do I love now, the way I loved that boy?

#what a headache this is. i dont love him anymore which is just as well because oftentimes that ish HURT.#but whose hand do i hold who do i cook dinner for who will turn to me with laughter in their eyes #like they know i understand the joke who will hold the umbrella so far over my head their whole sleeve gets wet #who do i send letters to while full knowing i'll never get a response but still hoping for one who will wink at me across #the dinner tablr who will walk me home who will i think of while im dancing in the kitchen #who will i make tea for who will i agonize over while planning birthday and Christmas gifts #who will i love the same way? where do i put this mountain of love #what do i do with all the little specific ways i learned to love #and who will love me when the only person who has ever looked and me and said i love you and i want to cherish you #was also the person who made me feel like an afterthought a sincere but directionless fling #who made me feel undesirable and unseen and unwanted? i have never felt so unwanted the way i felt at the very end #anyway this is probably a sign that im up way too late anyway what is the point in wondering lol #since breaking up with the boy i have shot my shot with four other friendly candidates #and have been gunned down by disinterest or unfortunate barriers #since breaking up with him four of my friends have gotten engaged and one has begun a new promising relationship #and four others are pregnant. when will i not have to examine my heart #and see the ugliest kinds of covetous resentful thoughts and feelings and be like #ah yes this is not a healthy response #also no wonder the only boy who ever thought you were worth loving never loved you fully and completely #he signed up for what he thought was a beautiful heart a beautiful mind a beautiful soul no wonder he was disappointed

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