#and i know i can’t just go off of that for a diagnosis/self-diagnosis

[toxycodone]

mouthwashing characters when you’re depressed

ship. tulpar crew x reader cw. sfw + fluff/comfort

an. s/o to @xyfanficarchive for the Daisuke ideas!!!! my muse…

Curly

Oh he gets it. Full understands what you’re going through. (You can’t tell me he isn’t on some sort of anxiety/depression meds or at least got a potential diagnosis).

Curly most likely predicted that a depressive episode was coming. Whatever your key “tell” is: whether you start pulling back, issues sleeping, more nonchalant, appetite changes, it starts setting off bells in his head and he’s prepping.

He doesn’t wanna outright ask “are you depressed?” (He doesn’t know how to approach the subject at first really). So he just acts/reacts accordingly. He makes meals, helps you shower/bathe (he’s not gonna force you every day but if you go 2 or more days without it he’s putting you in there himself).

He even does little things like making sure you wash your face at least once a day and brush your teeth too.

Honestly, he does enjoy taking care of you. I think this is how he’d show he loves you for real. Even when you’re at your lowest you’re worth caring for. (It also distracts from his own issues buuuuut. That’s another story.)

My only qualm is I think he has that “toxic positivity” mindset unknowingly. He’s always like “it’s gonna get better! you need to drink more water/take vitamins/work out!” (these are just things he’s constantly telling himself tbh).

But Curly isn’t stupid. Like he will quickly pick up that’s not working for you and not what you need to hear and shift into a “shut up and help out” mindset. He moves from self help mode to just being there for you. I really have this mental image of him just hugging you on the couch and talking about his day. Sneaking in a few kisses or just giving compliments. But also if you’re not into that he just rubs your back while you bedrot. You’re quiet but enjoying time together and you know he’s there for you.

Jimmy

Been there, done that.

Okay, but seriously. He’s not to pressed at first. He’s basically living between bouts of depression, general neutrality, and mania. So this just seems like an inevitable “phase” you gotta go through.

But this is what makes him the most realistic when dealing with this. Jimmy isn’t gonna baby you or anything. He’s just like “it be like that” forreal. And unlike curly he’s not gonna rebuttal with reasons why life is great and why you shouldn’t be sad, he’s gonna agree. You say life is shit? Yeah, Jimmy 100% agrees. You two commiserate and it’s actually really cathartic because for once someone doesn’t make you feel crazy for being so down when there’s “so much to live for”.

He self medicates when he’s depressed. You’re getting offered pills or alcohol or a blunt or something. Whether you take it is up to you.

I can say Jimmy, for once, would stay sober. If he’s in a good enough mental state he’ll take one for the team and trip sit you or whatever so you can get that nice dopamine rush in peace.

Jimmy thinks it’s insane that he’s doing this, but when you’re depressed, and like really depressed—going through one of those terrible phases he’s been through before, he genuinely feels sympathetic. And it prompts him to do things he never thought. By that I mean doing your laundry, cooking what he can, making the bed. He doesn’t really get why, but he wants to do this and only for you. He really is angry about the fact no one has done this for him when he was in the same boat, but the thought of you having to suffer like he did? Just no. He’s gonna pitch in. He just has to.

But again, he’s best for commiserating. You two bitch heavily about how much the world sucks over way too many beers on his back porch. Probably throw rocks or smash junk while absolutely hammered, too. Then the next morning you’re hungover as shit and spend the day recovering before it’s back to “it is what it is.” Like yeah, it sucks and you feel like shit, but at least you have each other in your corners. If one of you is still kicking, it’s only fair the other is too.

Anya

Like Curly, she knew this was coming a mile away. Anya is not stupid. She’s spent so much time with her nose in psychology books that she gets tipped off insanely fast.

Unlike Curly though, she wants to address the problem. Anya starts gently at first with a simple “are you okay?” It opens the floor for you to be honest. And if you aren’t willing to talk about it or if you mask it with an “I’m fine!” She just. Frowns. Anya does not believe it, but she’s not gonna force you.

Until you start with more textbook symptoms. Then she’s like “I think you might be having a depressive episode.” She’s not letting you dance around it by then. You two are facing this head on.

and the good thing is that you guys talk about it. Like actually talk. Anya listens, lets you say your peace. Nods in understanding and shows you she’s actively taking her time to understand you. Then instead of giving her two cents, she asks you what you want her to do. Anya wants to know how she can help you in the moment and in the long run.

And she does it! Whatever she’s able to, she’s gonna do it. Anya is a really reliable partner and just truly solid. It can be anything from sharing a shower, ordering takeout and chilling on the couch, or even if you just need her to be in the same room but leave you the fuck alone—she’s there for you.

She’s definitely recommending tips from psychology books too. Journaling, eating spicy foods, getting a little exercise if possible—you guys go down a laundry list to help kick this episode in the butt.

And then when the time comes, you two have a good conversation about therapy/medication. (Don’t worry she won’t offer to be your therapist and encourages you to see a neutral third party you can be honest with)

Daisuke

Okay…Daisuke is a bit of a mixed bag. I think he’s been sad, but not truly depressed.

He doesn’t catch the warning signs, so at first when it hits, Daisuke just thinks you’re in a bit of a funk. It’s okay! He’s been through this before. And he’s happy to help you out of it!

Daisuke takes you to the arcade, thrifting, maybe on a little shopping spree…but when that doesn’t work (or when he can’t even encourage you to do it in the first place), Dai hits a wall.

He’s confused. And worried. Really worried about you. This depends on you as a person and whether it makes you feel better or worse, but I think it’s very visible how your depressive episodes affect him. Until he really understands what it is and what it means, Daisuke’s really fretting when this happens.

And so…he voices that concern. “I just noticed that you seem sad. Like, really sad. And I don’t know what to do!” So!! He asks!! What can he do to help you? Or do you even want his help?

And whatever your answer is, he does it. He’ll give you reminders that he loves you, takes care of you, even binges shitty tv shows over even more terrible for you junk food. As long as he can just keep showing he’s there for you and that you’re worth it. That he loves you even when you’re at your lowest…that’s what matters the most.

And just being the goof he is, he’s gonna do things to make you smile. Dancing around the kitchen, showing you his playlist of funny TikToks, cracking some stupid jokes he may or may not have stolen from Twitter. Any time he can crack even a hint of a smile he’s fist pumping and celebrating.

And then…he is probably going to recommend therapy. (He has an awesome adhd therapist he’s working w so. He’s singing the praises for it to you.)

Swansea

Oddly enough I really see him similar to Jimmy. Swansea’s so realistic he’s just like “you’re depressed? Yeah life sucks, so what? You keep going.”

But he’s smart enough to not be like “just get off your ass”. He takes pity on you, whether he likes it or not. Seeing you out of your element does make him upset.

He’s a comiserater, but he’s always going to counter with like “but we keep going anyways.” And if you’re like “but why?” He’s like “why not?”

Like yeah, shit isn’t always good, so you settle for mediocrity. Because the mundane can actually be really nice. Swansea’s a simple pleasures man—good coffee, good food, good times spent relaxing either alone or with the ones you love. That’s what makes it all worth it.

Swansea’s like “you can have your little moments where it all seems like shit, but eventually you gotta face the music and go back to reality.”

He’s a very grounding presence, though. I’ll give him that. He’s also 100% going to cook for you. And you can tell he cares because he has difficulty leaving you alone. He hopes that you seeing him doing stuff. Persisting. That it’ll give you some hope.

and when you start getting more back to normal, showing interest again in your usual hobbies or responsibilities—you can see a weight visibly lift off his shoulders.

[themanirealityshifter]

me taking the RAADS-R test: i passed with flying colors ♾️🏳️‍🌈 (the rainbow infinity sign)(score of 200 out of 240)

me then taking the Aspie Quiz/Test on that same website: i passed with flying colors ♾️🏳️‍🌈 (score of 189 out of 200)

me also taking the Autistic Camouflaging/Masking Quiz/Test on that same website as well: i passed with flying colors ♾️🏳️‍🌈 (i mask a lot)

(finally posting this draft)

[thehmn]

It might simply be that I don’t frequent ADHD forums enough but I haven’t seen a whole lot of talk about learned social withdrawal.

As a child I made friends left and right but as we all turned into self-conscious teenagers it slowly became more and more difficult for me. Plain and simple, other people thought I was weird. For some reason I never got bullied which I think is related to something my teachers kept telling my parents “She’s such a sweet, bright child and we can tell she’s not malicious or trying to be disruptive on purpose but we can’t teach her anything”

Basically people couldn’t figure me out. I had good social skills with both children and adults, I had a good moral compass, i felt compassion and empathy for others and was willing to go against my friends if I felt they were being bullies, I taught myself English and my drawings showed good observation skills. Because of all that it was decided I should start school a year sooner than most kids and my parents were very proud. Unfortunately that’s probably one of the main reasons why I was never diagnosed with raging ADHD as a child. People soon realized I didn’t do well in a school setting but assumed it was because I “wasn’t done playing” and my ADHD symptoms were interpreted as childishness.

So as I got older my classmates started to distance themselves from me. They were always kind and friendly but they didn’t know how to deal with me and ever since then people have always been worryingly comfortable with calling me weird to my face. I get the impression it’s because they think it’s a choice on my part. To them I’m clearly of “normal intelligence” so I must be acting like this on purpose and my parents would repeatedly tell me to “just act normal” as a child when I told them I was struggling to make friends. I tried so damn hard but kept failing. I knew something had to be different about me and when I first heard about ADHD I thought “That’s me! That’s how I feel!” but my parents said that was impossible because I wasn’t hyperactive.

Because nobody wanted to help me I eventually learned to just stop trying to make friends and keep to myself. I was so tired of being told by friendly, well-meaning people that I was so weird and quirky and unique only for them to distance themselves once they realized it was permanent and not something I could turn on and off for parties. I always enjoyed being alone so it wasn’t a huge loss but it did feel incredibly lonely at times.

Things got a lot better when I became an adult, mostly because adults are generally more chill than teens so my ADHD behavior isn’t as embarrassing to them and ironically they’re often surprised to learn I don’t make friends easily. Unfortunately I learned to be withdrawn in my formative years so new friends are still a rarity. Before I really sat down and put my past into context I even started to wonder if I had autism despite not connecting with anything autistic people said about their experiences. I went as far as to be tested but wasn’t surprised when the diagnosis was negative because of course it was, I kinda already knew that. I was just looking for an explanation.

So while there can be overlap between ADHD and autism (I have just such a friend) my experience is also that oftentimes people with ADHD simply learn to stay away from social situations and entertain ourselves which ends up looking like autism to outsiders.

[un-love]

— afternoon | kmg

mingyu x f!reader

a/n: i wrote this last august and forgot about it. self indulgent asf bc my period is a horror story 💢

“good game, guys. i’m gonna log out now.” putting his headphones aside, mingyu was greeted by complete silence in the house. it had been an hour since he left the bedroom to let you sleep in peace. the week of your period was always a hard time for you. hard is an understatement, really. he couldn't physically understand how you felt but the first time he saw you cry out in pain and struggle to walk yourself to the kitchen, he had decided to be there for you without you ever having to ask for his help; that’s the least he could do after all. the little widgets on his phone notify him of the approaching doom every month without fail, and one might even say he’s as prepared as you now (maybe more).

as he approaches the living room, his ears perk up. he opens the door carefully, and catches you wincing as you try to sit up. you look even worse than how he left you, somehow. sunken eyes and disheveled hair, there really wasn’t any way to romanticize this pain. “why didn’t you call me?”, he whispers and immediately springs into the practiced routine he’s got down. you're too far gone to protest as he props up your pillows, gets you a reheated hot water bottle and orders you to open your mouth as he makes you take your prescribed pain meds. regaining some consciousness after feeling the burn of the hot bag on your skin, you can’t help but smile at the concerned expression on his face as he assesses you. the way his brows furrow and a little pout appears on his soft lips soothes some of the ache in your body.

“what are you smiling at?”, he asks. “you’re just so cute like this. worrying about me and all.” the look he gives you is one of fondness. it’s somewhat relieving for your boyfriend to see you talk like this, despite the state you’re in. he could tell how disoriented you were by the way you hadn’t met his eyes the whole day. “who said i’m worried?”, he says cheekily, before disappearing into the kitchen again.

“i don’t feel good; i think i’m going to throw up”, you call out from your new resting place on the couch, chewing on scraps from the kitchen for lunch. mingyu had asked you to move to the couch (read: carried you) so he could change the sheets and clean up the room a little. it still felt embarrassing to have him take care of you like this, but his kind eyes and kinder hands made you go along with whatever he said.

thinking back, you had tried to avoid seeing him the first few months after you started dating, for this very reason. he knew you were having a hard time with your diagnosis, so he never wanted to push you too much; until the day you had woken up in a pool of blood with him next to you on your bed. you had sobbed endlessly (from frustration, pain, embarrassment) before threatening to poke his eye out with a butter knife if he ever made fun of you for this. this was all very bizarre to your new boyfriend, who grew progressively more concerned for you after that. had someone made you feel bad for something like this before?

a head pokes around the door with a determined expression you could read extremely well. another wave of nausea rocked over your body. “don’t come close to me, kim mingyu. i haven’t showered since yesterday. i stink.” “but you don't know what i’m going to s—” he tries to go on but you cut him off. “the sound of the air conditioner is making my skin crawl.” “but-” “the fabric of my tshirt is touching my skin in the worst ways and the birds won’t stop fucking chirping outside the window and you- you’re here seeing me like this. i want to dig a life sized hole and bury myself in it right now. just go away, please.”

he’s careful when he comes closer to you and stops right before sitting on the couch. “baby, i promise you, nothing about you can disgust me. unless you do something unforgivable like putting milk first in my cereal bowl”, he says, and you finally look at him. success. “and i’ll leave you alone, if that’s what you want. but can i get you something else for the pain or a hot drink first?”

how could you say no to him when he looked at you like that? with those big brown eyes, trying his best to read your face. freshly washed bangs falling into his eyes, and his pretty hand outstretched towards you. your eyes get distracted by his tongue coming out to wet his bottom lip, a nervous habit of his you found adorable. in the split second between his question and your response, you imagined pulling him by the shirt and kissing him breathless. swatting away the (welcome) visual in your head, you let yourself fall against the soft cushions, the fight leaving your body. it's time you let somebody love you.

fin.

[audiovideodisco]

I’m sorry I always said the wrong thing.

You have a crush on your Aussie colleague, but have given up on ever being his type, or even someone he respects. People never change, right?

cw: fatphobia, medical talk, negative self image if you squint, mildly suggestive, swearing

word count: 920

requested: no

sfw: yes

ship: robert chase x reader

characteristics: plus sized reader, g/n

You walk into Princeton Plainsboro with a coffee in hand and a face like a slapped bottom. Your patient was a fairly overweight teenager who had a heart problem, but despite the team - unsurprisingly - attempting to attribute the problems to their weight, that wasn’t the case. As a plus sized person, you felt sick coming into work for this case. House was making a point of asking you things that you couldn’t know about the patient - just because you’re fat… and Chase… well, that was the main thing. You knew how he felt about fat people, it was always a personal flaw. He hadn’t said anything awful yet but it reminded you that you’d never be good enough for him.

The case carried on as usual, treatments putting the young teens life in danger over and over, with no hope of a diagnosis, and then cure, in sight. The DDx office was eerily quiet, only the lights in the hall illuminating the table in front of you as you sat at the desk trying to think. After a few minutes of what felt like brooding rather than thinking, you hear footsteps, and then a swoosh of blonde hair enters the office.

“[Y/N]? What are you in here for? Why are you sitting in the dark…?” Chase asked as he came in to rifle through a drawer.

“It’s not dark, the hall light is enough.”

“That’s- are you… are you alright?”

Your head snaps up to see he’s stopped rifling through the drawer and appears to have what he came to look for. Instead of leaving, he’s looking directly at you with a mix of concern and curiosity. Quite frankly, it pisses you off, big time.

“I’m fine, Chase. Trying to think of what’s killing our patient, before they actually die because everyone else is so focused on their weight rather than-“

“Hey- woah- woah-“

You don’t let him continue his protest, taking a breath and composing yourself,

“House wants you to do an EKG.”

“He said that-?”

“Yeah.” He looked at you with his mouth agape for a second, before closing it, nodding and walking out.

The case continues, and eventually House is able to make a connection that saves the teenager’s life. It’s a relief that the case is over, and the teenager is going to be alright, but you can’t shake the horrible feeling in your stomach. The DDx office is empty again, so you go in there just to sort through your paperwork before going home.

“Hey…”

“What the fuck do you want, Chase?”

“Woah… have I done something?”

“Doesn’t matter, just leave me alone.”

He frowns but doesn’t leave, instead coming up behind you slowly and placing his hand gently on your shoulder. You flinch a little so he lifts his hand again, but when you don’t push him away, he puts it back again.

“What’s going on…?” He asks, almost in a whisper.

“Chase-“

“Was it this case? House?”

“I expect it from House, and you to be completely honest…”

He mentally scolds himself and sighs, trying gently guiding you to face him.

“I… I have said so shitty things before, I’ll admit… I didn’t know you knew…”

“What, so it’s okay as long as your one fat friend doesn’t hear it? Well that worked…”

“No- no- I… I was wrong. I’ve been wrong every time, whether just about the diagnosis, or the simple fact of that is none of my business… I’ve been trying to unlearn thinking and speaking like that- I-“

You stare at him a little shocked, his hand still on your shoulder as you now stand only a few inches apart. He looks down slightly at you, seeing the way your eyes glistened from angry tears that threatened to spill. He carries on speaking, his voice now even more hushed and soft,

“Not that I decided that I needed to sort my shit out because I met you- Uh, but… I… I really like you, actually.”

His heart pounds in his chest almost as loudly as yours as he searches your face for any sign of a response.

“I know I probably blew it, but… can I take you out, on, like, a date?”

“Are you serious, or is this-“

“I mean it. You’re…” Your faces are centimetres apart, his breath fanning against your lips as he struggles to finish his sentence, and his other hand finds its way to your waist to pull you closer.

“[Y/N]… I need you to tell me it’s okay to kiss you… I don’t want to cross a line you don’t want me to cross…”

Your chest heaves as you whisper,

“…yes.”

The kiss is tentative at first, Chase’s lips moving slowly to make sure you wanted this as much as he did. As you began to reciprocate with a bit more energy, he picked up the pace, bringing his hand from your shoulder to the nape of your neck, and pulling you as close to him as you could be-

“HEY!”

The loud shout makes you both pull apart, hands still on eachother, his hand threaded in your hair and yours in his chest. You look around you as you both try to catch you breaths, cringing when you lay your eyes on House.

“IF YOU WANT TO MAKE OUT, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE. ALSO- FUCK YOU. I OWE WILSON $50 NOW…”

House storms off, his cane tapping alongside his footsteps, and you both giggle as the tension fades.

[v0rtex-sys]

TMA disability headcanons time!! this is only michael, gerry, jon, and martin but i will add more later. mild CW for talk of disorders :}

lots of these are based off my own experiences, especially michael </3

also i literally read the DSM-5 for this.

michael:

Cyclothymic disorder - a bipolar disorder. michael definitely has mania + depressive episodes that only last a day or so at a time

separation anxiety - probably been left before, finally found someone he trusts so now (gerry) he’s obsessively worried

ocd - probably caused/related to some of their other issues, i think they have very strict schedules and they freak out if it gets messed up

persistent vocal tic disorder - i think they’d only have vocal tics (until they get spiraled). probably a whistle tic, cursing mayhaps, echolalia

probably was selectively mute as a child

panic disorder - do i even have to explain myself?? i headcanon that it is worse during hypomanic episodes

Hypersomnolence disorder - i bet he is an eepy eeper and regularly falls asleep in weird places

borderline personality - worsened by mania + depressive episodes, their self image is regularly changing and also spiral avatar

visual snow - again, spiral avatar. i have this :} i also just think it’d be interesting

some sort of joint issues in their hands, maybe arthritis but i haven’t decided

gerry:

NPD - this solely of vibes (not in a bad way!!!) i dont have NPD so i can’t say too much ab it, would be down to expand on it but i don’t want to spread misinformation:,}

reactive attachment disorder - i think this is only a diagnosis for children but i'm not certain. mary definitely fucked his mental state up and he avoids people in caregiver roles (might have presented as being extra rebellious as a teenager)

insomnia - it’s essentially canon. i also think he and michael having opposite sleep disorders would be funny :}

ADHD - hyper with zero attention span

chronic fatigue - cane user because of it, can’t walk for too long. fainting/dizzy spells. worsened by the lung cancer

epilepsy - also worsened by lung cancer. probably has migraines bc of the seizures. i bet he regularly has petit mal seizures

jon:

autism - no explanation needed. although i hc that he learned bsl in college cause he kept going nonverbal (or maybe georgie taught them? she seems like she knows bsl)

brief psychotic disorder - literally him all of season two. plus maybe the end of season 4 & the end of season 5.

hoarding disorder - idk they seem like a hoarder to me. but only a little? like they hoard but they’re so anxious about people judging them for it so they force themself to get rid of stuff which results in more horading

ARFID - sensory issues make it hard for them to eat:(

paranoid personality disorder - essentially canon, literally them all of season 2

schizoid personality disorder - ik it could be their autism but still, i think the relationship avoidance (especially with martin) is a bit more than just tism

schizotypal personality disorder - worsened by the eye.

(yes i know that’s all the cluster A personality disorders, it’s not my fault they all fit him!! /lh)

chronic fatigue - probably bc of the eye bullshit, they probably faint a lot

cane user - i dont know what physical disability they’d have, but i like the cane user jon HC soooo

i also think they’d have some nervous tics, not a tourette disorder tho

martin:

dissociative amnesia + derealisation/depersonalization - brought on by the lonely. probably struggles to recognise people (worsened by not-sasha)

rheumatoid arthritis in his hands (+ his feet from the walking in the fearpocalypse)

major depressive disorder - had since he was little, worsened by the lonely

[sophieinwonderland]

Debunking Sysmed Misinformation

Yes dear, people who aren't saying they have a disorder, by definition, cannot be faking that disorder. If you truly believe that somebody who not only doesn't have a disorder, but vehemently denies having it, is faking that disorder... I'm sorry to say that you've been brainwashed. There's truly no other explanations for still clinging to the narrative that people who deny having mental disorders are faking them.

According to who? Where the source for this?

In reality, "system" is a pretty broad term with a lot of different uses in psychology, rooted in systems theory.

There are two ways to approach discussions of the word system. One as a community term. And one as a psychological term. First...

As a community term

Back in the 90s and earlier, it was assumed that anybody with multiple personalities were disordered. It was treated as if the experience of multiplicity was itself something that people needed healed from.

The early online community arose from this environment, many taking the presumption of a disorder at face value.

However, from these online communities arose the Natural Multiplicity community, which believed their multiplicity wasn't caused by environmental factors like trauma, but that they were just... naturally multiple.

The reason some early terms from older MPD literature ended up shared was because the natural multiples branched off from this older MPD community in the 90s.

I've mentioned this before, but the Natural Multiples were not outside invaders. They were separatists who originally falsely believed they had a disorder, some of which were even diagnosed and rejected that diagnosis. Some terms that originated in DID literature naturally carried over.

As a psychological term

If we were to look at its earliest uses in relation to DID, this definition probably wouldn't apply.

See, to the point that system was used by psychologists in relation to DID, it usually referred to an internal personality system within the brain. The "individual" wasn't the system. The individual had a system.

It's a small but important distinction.

The individual to psychologists is everything. It's the body. The motor functions. The subconscious. The things that aren't controlled by any alter at all.

The psychological term isn't the same as the community definition.

Within psychology, this language isn't unique to CDDs either. I mentioned systems psychology earlier, but the closer parallel would be Internal Family Systems therapy, which is based on the premise that everyone is a system of parts and that the mind is naturally multiple.

IFS is a transformative tool that conceives of every human being as a system of protective and wounded inner parts led by a core Self. We believe the mind is naturally multiple and that is a good thing. Just like members of a family, inner parts are forced from their valuable states into extreme roles within us. Self is in everyone. It can’t be damaged. It knows how to heal. 

This dates back to the 80s before the natural mutiple community formed.

Moreover, studies that have addressed non-disordered systems have called them systems, such as this one from 2017.

Additionally, psychologists have also referred to tulpa systems as being... tulpa systems. Here is Dr. Michael Lifshitz, a psychiatry professor at McGill University, discussing is study into tulpa systems in an AMA.

So in psychology, it seems that "system" is going to be a shared term going forward, with doctors using the term to refer to any plural regardless of disorder or origin.

Which makes sense, because aside from being what the community uses for themselves, any human brain with multiple self-conscious agents is going to technically be a system through the lens of system thinking.

Back to the anti-endo post!

I'm not going to deal with this too much. Mostly because it's not really in contention that much. Most non-disordered plurals will use "headmates," and similar terms instead. Alter is generally considered too clinical.

But I will say that it's funny how every time I see "alter" defined, it's always slightly different. Like, nobody seems to know where this came from, nobody has the primary source for the term's coining, and nobody quite agrees on what it actually was short for.

Wouldn't... the individual be exactly one? Like, the idea is that the brain makes different parts that are all part of one collective whole personality.

I don't quite agree with this take. But if we were to believe it, then surely the "less than one" statement cannot be mathematically true. If you cut a cake into slices, you still have one cake. You don't have less than one pie.

Also, where are they usually referred to as "multiple personalities?" Because that isn't true in the modern DID community. And it sure isn't true in academic literature written in the past 20 years.

LOL!

So now we're referring to the dictionary definition of a word. Without an ounce of self-awareness when you ignore that "system" is a common word with a lot of different applications. 🙄

Not even surprised at the hypocrisy.

Also not surprised that the OP is lying about the origins of "plurality" by non-disordered systems. And I can say confidently that OP is lying because Cambrian already tried correcting them in a reblog, and was blocked.

Which means this isn't merely accidentally spreading misinformation anymore. It's intentionally lying to hurt others. They know they're wrong and don't care.

For those who aren't aware, the term was not, in fact, popularized by Tumblr. See this page from at least as far back as 1998.

We don't claim that every multiple system/household is a happy loving cooperative one. What we do question is the *identification* of "real multiples" with the characteristics or symptoms of a psychological disorder. We go further: we question by what right or authority doctors and therapists are given sole jurisdiction over the definition of "an individual".

This is one reason our clan encourages use of the word "plural" rather than "multiple". "Multiple", even standing by itself, brings to mind MPD/DID, "multiple personality disorder", "dissociative identity disorder", which are specific diagnoses created by the medical/therapeutic community. "Plural" is a much more neutral word, more commonly heard in the context of grammar than psychiatry. (The other reason, of course, is that plural can be construed to have a broader meaning, applying to anyone(s) anywhere on the continuum who experience themselves as plural in some way. )

Aside from the timeline being way off, from the very beginning, the systems who popularized the word plural were non-disordered systems, and it was done intentionally to separate it from medicalized language like "multiple".

Also, the current definition of plural as an inclusive term has found its way into academic papers, such as Transgender Mental Health by Dr. Eric Yarbrough.

Which has been reviewed and publish by the American Psychiatric Association.

If you mean CDD spaces, nobody without CDDs are going into those spaces to invade them. This isn't a real thing that happens.

If you mean using the word "system" and similar, I'm sorry to tell you that this has been a share communal term since before you were born. And it's not changing.

Because you're the one who is coming into our spaces. You're the one coming into inclusive spaces and spreading hate. You have been repeatedly informed that the plural tags are inclusive, that "plural" is an inclusive label, and that system medicalists aren't welcome there.

You're the one who has been invading spaces.

Your trauma isn't my problem. The harm you're causing to good people is.

I'm not sure if "your workplace might discriminate against you if you're publicly plural" is the slam dunk argument you think it is!

I mean, like, do you think your workplace would be cool with what you post on your blog?

Have you come out as a system at your workplace and told everyone about your 8 My Little Pony fictives?

(Fictive is a word coined by endogenic plurals, by the way, since you care so much about terminology. 🙄)

Remember, if you don't want a kid to be a system, don't start traumatizing them until after their eighth birthday! /s

But really, it's always weird how people have these very firm sort of cutoffs and present them as objective fact, when that's not how the brain has ever worked.

And if you look at academic papers, one thing you notice is that they have a really hard time agreeing about the so-called cutoff. Different papers will say it's 5, 6, 8, 9 or 10. And even if they did agree, that should only apply to DID. It would be a mistake to assume the cutoff applies to other forms of CDDs like OSDD-1 and Partial DID without extensive research into them.

"Being a system" is a disorder now?

Can you show me where "being a system" is in the ICD-11 or the DSM-5?

Tell me... do you HONESTLY believe that?

As I've already shown, the non-disordered and non-traumagenic community has existed since before you were born.

In that time, it's only been growing. Studies and papers focusing on non-disordered systems have only really begun over the last decade. Research has ballooned, with Stanford University investing tens of thousands of dollars into an fMRI study of tulpamancers that is likely to be published soon.

There are countless pro-endo discord servers. System-related apps like Pluralkit and Simply Plural have been explicitly pro-endo. Major figures like Aimkid have come out as being pro-endo systems.

I figure it's only a matter of time before the topic is explored more explicitly on television. (Other than that one time Chicago Med did a tulpamancy episode.)

You say being endogenic is a trend. People have been saying the same thing about being transgender for the past 20 years. Parents of LGBTQ kids have said their kids were just going through a phase, only for those kids to grow into queer adults. Their predictions haven't proven true.

I see no reason to think you'll be right this time.

What I say is that the future is plural and pro-endo.

I think this is what all the current trends point to. The academic support. The increasing plural resources and awareness.

We are not going away.

We are not just a trend.

We are the future!

[w3r3theli0nshunt]

POV: Task 141 + König finds out that you’re autistic

Task 141 + könig x autistic!reader

Okay okay a little self indulgence here. But this is also to somehow spread a positivity regarding the spectrum and also encourage people who feels insecure about being neurodivergent. This applies to anyone, not a specific gender.

And for people who don’t really relate, it’s fine. It’s normal to be different and it’s okay to be different.

There are some sexual themes here, but mostly wholesome fluff MDNI!!!!!!!!!!! - and sum angst as well

❤︎︎So here’s a lil authors note: You can still be loved and appreciated with or without the diagnosis🫶

★He’s definitely got ADHD or is at least on the spectrum, so he doesn’t judge you at all

★He’s a yapper and can’t help it, so when you tell him to stop talking so you can peacefully gather your own thoughts, he stops with a few whines along

★He’s a very touchy type and he loves touching you, and sometimes he forgets to keep distance when you tell him to stop

“Soap! Not today, please. I’ve been stressed”

“Dinnae worry, luv. I’ll try, but I cannae promise”

★He’ll be a little difficult to process your diagnosis, getting used to new habits, having to break old ones but he doesn’t really complain

★He gets really confused and stressed out not knowing what to do when you get (if) you meltdowns

★When you’re on dates, he makes sure to take you to a place that is less crowded so you don’t get stressed out

★When you feel mentally tired from socialising, he tries his best to keep distance and remain quiet so you can recover peacefully

★(If) sometimes you enjoy feeling pressure on you, it’s your way of stimming, he’ll happily lay above your body and fall asleep

★Gets really happy when you finally give him a peck or a kiss, or even a hug

★Sometimes he lets you squeeze his bicep or thigh as a way to stim, sometimes he even lets you try and braid his short Mohawk

★If you don’t like the consistency or taste of food, he’ll get you your ‘safe meal’ that he knows you like

★Sometimes you’re awfully quiet and distant, he takes it as if you’re mad at him and he tends to get worried

“I’m not mad at you if that’s what you think”

“Still cannae help it, I just dannae want ye ta leave me fer being touchy”

★He’ll steal kisses from you, making them quick so you can’t react

★He’ll miss the frequent sex like he used to have with his exes, but he’ll still love you as much.

★Not really familiar with the diagnosis, but he sure as hell do his research

★He’ll almost act like a dad would with his child, telling you to stop stimming with your hair or picking with your skin and place a fidget toy in your hand instead

★He admires your creativity, always flattered when you show off your drawing/sketches with a proud look on your face and enthusiastically explain it

★He can’t stop looking at you with such admiration when you cuddle with a pillow/squish-mallow while being focused on the tv

★He makes you write a list to him of foods you like and how you like them, just so he knows :)

★He’s a fast learner with you and knows how you work

★When you (if) get meltdowns, he knows exactly what to do. Either give you space or tightly putting pressure on your body to help calm you down

★He knows when you don’t want cuddling or sex, so he’ll back off. Just happy that you’re his

★When the places you go to are crowded, he’ll instantly take you to a calmer place

★You two usually have dates at home, but Price is good at making stuff romantic

★He’ll tell his friends about you a lot, telling them to not be too pushy or touchy

★He knows you don’t enjoy meeting new people so he’ll make sure to spare you from doing so as often as he can, but sometimes you have to and at those times he tells the people about you in first hand

“Your friends are nice, but I didn’t expect them to keep distance. Didn’t you tell me that they could be very nosy and pushy sometimes?”

“Well, this man right here turns out to be completely in love with you. And that also means that his friends are gonna have to accept my darling”

★He’s totally accepting of you and he’ll still love you just as much as before the truth came out

★Gaz is a very accepting and patient man, his feelings still stay as strong

★He also does a lot of research to try and understand you more, but also prefers when you tell him yourself as people are different and work differently

★He gets his friends to set up a romantic place that is private so that you can remain calm and relaxed not having a bunch of strangers stressing you out

★He totally understands if you don’t feel like being touched and he’ll back away until you feel like it again

★His soothing voice and compassion always manages to calm you down when (if again) you get a meltdown

“It’s alright, love. I’m here and it’s gonna be alright. Some days are bad, some are not”

“I-I love you so fucking much, man”

★He knows you love animals so he’ll always takes you to zoos, admiring you from afar as you gaze with such enthusiasm at the animals and your hands shaking by excitement and your small jumps

★When you distance yourself and talk less, he’ll always sit you down to talk because he’s worried that you’re mad at him, you’ll assure him that you just need some space and silence to recover from socialising all day, he’ll feel at ease afterwards and refuses to let you apologise for it

“I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like being intimate today”

“Don’t apologise, dear. Take your time, my arms will always be ready for you”

★He’ll happily stand behind and watch while you’re being ✨creative ✨ and he won’t stop complimenting

★Is always gentle with you, with both tone of voice and his affection, takes it slowly as he gives you time to pull away

★Doesn’t mind rewatching movies/series with you

★He’s aware of the diagnosis, knows a lot about it since he may also be on the spectrum as well

★He’ll also be very accepting, more so because he understand as well

★He’s not a very touchy and kissing, so he doesn’t have any problem with keeping a distance and giving you space

★When you have a meltdown, he just stares at you feeling immense guilt for something he didn’t do and his heart aching seeing you upset and stressed

★He doesn’t like going outside in public spaces a lot, so you usually have a date at home where he heats up your favorite meal in the microwave and pours a glass of your favorite soda

★If he spots you stimming in a way that could damage you, he stares at you with his brown eyes and say “quit it, love” before he lets you squeeze his thicc pectoral instead ;) it’s your own fault if he groans and his huge bulge poking at you

★Feels uneasy when you’re silent and distancing yourself, but he always finds a way to lurk around you, almost tip toeing around after you

★When you tell him that you want space, he gives you, but he’ll still linger around you, merely because he wants to make sure that you’re alright and also because of his own selfish reasons

★Quietly admires you when you show of your art to him, having to grab his chest later to make sure that his heart stays in there

★When you’re asleep and haven’t touched him for the whole day, he’ll indulge in his desire, so he wraps his arms gently around you and hug you for a while and then he’ll let go (after like an hour or so)

★He doesn’t really care for sex, but if you want to initiate, he’ll be a fool to decline

★He loves you way too much to just break up because of you

“How can you still wanna be with me? Don’t you want a partner who can be perfectly affectionate towards you?”

“Y/n, don’t even fuckin’ think that way. I’ll always choose you, with or without the diagnosis. And you know why? Because I fuckin’ love you”

★You say you love animals, he’ll buy you your favorite animal (as a pet, a pet friendly one……I hope)

★He has a huge understanding, mostly about the social stuff as he has the same difficulty

★His whole browser is full of ‘how does autistic people work?’ and ‘how to convince an autistic person to cuddle with me?’

“König, I don’t feel like cuddling today”

“But, liebling, how else will I show my love for you?”

★When you want space, he tries to convince you that he doesn’t wanna let go of you and that he’ll be sad if he won’t be able to see you

★Will literally get an anxiety attack being in crowded spaces, while you have to remain calm and try and drag the both of you away

★Whenever you stim, he’ll tell you to touch/squeeze him instead (sort of using it to his advantage to be touched by you)

★Will wrap his arms around and pull you tight against him in the middle of the night, instantly after you’ve falling asleep and play dumb the next morning when you ask him how you’re in his arms

★You two enthusiastically exchanges hobbies and interests

★If you’re sound sensitive, he’ll cover your ears, if you’re sensitive to specific consistencies, he’ll make mental notes to your preferences, if you’re sensitive to light, he’ll always pack a pair of sunglasses with him to give, if you feel the labels on the inside of your clothes poking your skin uncomfortably, he’ll cut them off.

★He steal kisses from you when you’re distracted or asleep

★When you’re quiet, he’ll stare at you to see every detail of your face and if it changes in the slightest, just to make sure that you’re alright

★Sometimes when you’re neutral (not feeling anything specific) he’ll assume that you’re mad at him and he’ll get extremely anxious

“Liebling, what can I do so you won’t be mad at me?! Please, i can change!”

“König, I’m not mad at you. Why would you assume that when you haven’t done anything?”

꧁✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰꧂

[jseegoramblings]

the JSE diagnosis (according to me. This is my opinion)

(THERE WILL BE ALTRVERSE SPOILERS AHEAD SO IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE SPOILED, DON’T READ THIS POST/RANT.)

so… I was recently thinking about the DSM-5 and the JSE egos… plus with Seán’s recent diagnosis with Autism (welcome to the club) I thought I would do this. I also will use behaviours we have seen from the egos and state how that applies to the diagnosis to some level.

note- this is my opinion however, if you disagree, that’s cool. Let me know what your thoughts are or if you have any questions. (Note: I know I don’t go into detail on how these connect to the diagnosis but hopefully The points below make some sense? Also… please don’t self diagnosis yourself based on this information alone… if you suspect you have something please consult a profession before doing so! Also… all videos will be listed as Tumblr has a 30 link/image limit… so comic images will show evidence, but video names will be listed.)

JBM: AuDHD

this one I thought I would start with because he is not only the easiest to see why I would state he is this, but also with the comics- it has become clear and most of the fanbase seems to agree with this. 1. he has a special interest in heros (Autism/ADHD)

now… in the comics, this is clear when in VOL 1. He is talking to the movie theatre worker about the movie…. Now look at this face. Does this look like the actions of someone who is neurodivergent explaining something that is interesting to them?

not only that… but when trying to problem solve… he imagines himself as a hero to help his thinking

Also… in VOL 0… his room clearly shows signs that he loves superhero’s… sure, you could shake this off saying that he’s just a nerd. Which yeah. May be true… but with the additional above info? It seems he is very genuinely interested in this and gets happy and excited by this

2. he overthinks social situations to avoid doing the wrong thing(Autism)

Yes. This is something VERY common in people with ASD, especially for those who struggle with social connections (yes. Even for those considered ‘higher functioning’)

you may wonder… where the hell is this present? Well… look no further than that same scene as before… the one where he was day dreaming. Where he was trying to come up with solutions with how to socialise properly

this by itself, shows he struggles socially, but also expects the worst as he doesn’t know how to socialise on a typical level… however, if someone were to ask him about hero’s? I have no doubts he would rant about it for hours!

3.he is often in his own world(ADHD)

this is more seen in Vol 0, when the manager of Ion X is talking to him. He’s in his own world thinking to himself- which is common in those who have ADHD.

4. he can take things literally(Autism)

I mean… just look at how he got his hero name.

he could have chosen a different name… but as soon as he heard the question of ‘what is you’re name’ he goes to answer his real name. Which is taking the question word for word

5. perseverates when something is new/different/unknown (Autism)

Perseverating- the act someone who is neurodivergent does when they can’t let go of something and think of it consistently. (Definition by me) I mean… just look at how he reacts when he discovers where his powers are coming from isn’t positive… he thinks about it constantly until something takes his attention away from it.

As soon as he stops that though… and goes back to doing nothing… he instantly thinks about it again.

if you’re thinking ‘well that’s something everyone will do’… sure… but, I’ll use myself as an example. I have a VERY intense fear of needles. If I get a bloodshot, I can’t even talk about it for WEEKS. And my body feels itchy in the spot blood was drawn. so yes. Perseverating can happen when individuals face something that is anxiety inducing.

6. sometimes misreads social cues(Autism/ADHD)

now… my main argument is 2 things for this is when Jackie is ranting about his interest, and has no idea the worker at the movie theatre is not interested until he actually looks

another thing to point out/notice… he doesn’t even pay attention to how the robots aren’t harming anybody… or take a moment to look at his surroundings, he instantly goes to beat up the robots, and it isn’t until too late when he realises… this.

If this doesn’t show struggling with social cues… I don’t know what will.

7. Changes/messing up can cause anxiety.(Autism)

now… again, this is seen as something that you may not think Jackie shows…. However, there is one scene in particular that shows he is hard on himself and when he makes a mistake. He is discouraged and has anxiety on messing up.

these 2 scenes above just show he wants to do things right, and when he doesn’t- he shuts down easily. And that’s the reasons why Jackie fits AuDHD as a diagnosis.

Marvin: gifted

this one, was a bit tricker and it wasn’t until recent that I found one that fits him… you may be confused why I chose this… well, first of all- what the heck is gifted as a diagnosis? gifted as a diagnosis refers to individuals who have a higher than average IQ, and are quick to understand things… but struggle a ton socially, it’s similar to autism, but it can be misdiagnosed as ADHD.

1.really good at magic, doesn’t have to study it

now I know you may be thinking ‘well yeah duh! In the comics, he has a higher power.’ And… I would agree with you there… however. I’m Vol 1… he had a look at a book for one… maybe 2 minutes at best… and what happens?

now…. I have no idea about you but for me at least? I would need to read something over and over again in order to understand it and make a connection. 2. gets discouraged when he doesn’t understand something right away/fails

now… you may wonder where that shows and think ‘well that’s everyone’s reaction!’ Which is true!! But… look at his reaction to failing the exam…

obviously, failing is upsetting… and yes. Especially when you fail the first time… however it’s not usual to get frustrated or upset when you don’t understand something… as an older adult.

however, when you expect yourself to know everything… you tend to put higher expectations on yourself which can absolutely weigh on you. 3. Knows right from wrong, and not afraid to stick with gut.

this one may seem a bit odd and you might think ‘well… yeah. Doesn’t everyone?’ Yes… but with gifted individuals… they tend to know right from wrong. And when they know someone did wrong doing… it can cause them frustration. Just look at this scene when Marvin discovered the twins erased his and others memories of what happened to the murder?

this up here, shows that when he knows someone went against what is morally right. He is not gonna have it and sticks with his guns.

another moment to point out. Is initially… when offered a really high position with the Magic circle:

this, by itself really shows he sticks to his guns and initially… he does stick to this decision until Ramesses mentions that Moria and Marvin could be put in a position of danger. normally, you would expect children to stick to their opinions regardless… but Marvin here? He goes back. Because his mom could be put in danger. Which is not right!

now… I would be willing to say that… when his mom dies. We will see him act in a way that shows that he will stick with his knowledge on how he has a strong moral compass later on in the comics. I can guarantee it!

4. is quick on his feet

now… i know this may seem odd. But… a lot of gifted individuals tend to be quick on their feet and know how to act. And Marvin demonstrates this in a few scenes:

below, here- Marvin finds a family that is about to be killed by a robber. What does he do?

which, that by itself, causes the person to flee.

another really powerful instance. And something I almost forgot to mention is that sometimes with gifted individuals… they tend to have a sense of humour as well that may come off as being more adult.. even though Marvin is an adult. This kind of shows how he has a sense of humour and how the humour helps him be quick on his feet.

also this moment… from when he was a teen.

I’m not sure about you, but normally for me… it takes me at least a few days/hours in order to figure out a good comeback. Not a few seconds. 5. smart

now… this one… may seem like a character trait… and you would be right… however. I would like to point out… that Marvin is damn smart… probably more so than people in the universe realise… this can be seen even before getting into magic school.

that fridge clearly shows a photo of an A… showing that he is smart. I won’t stick on this point too much as I will show some more evidence that he is smarter than people think… IQ wise.

6. has high expectations of himself

I think at this point. The lightning image enough is showing how he has high expectations over himself but incase you’re wondering why I put this out? It’s because of how gifted individuals because they are so smart… and because they just tend to know everything, when it comes to learning and understanding new topics and things, there’s impossibly high expectations that they put on themselves and they get frustrated and overwhelmed easily when they don’t know something that is hard.

Marvin getting A’s in school show he is very smart… but I bet if you threw him a chemistry question at that age… don’t be surprised to see a tantrum.

7. enjoys talking to other people who love magic… but not so much every day people

I know this may seem weird but let me explain. For anybody with neurodivergence… they tend to find it easiest to connect with people who are similar or have similar knowledge or interest in things that they love. It’s no different for those who are gifted. Don’t believe me…

well in VOL 1 of void silver… we see Marvin not be social… nor be friends with anybody at his school. But I’m Vol 2, after moving into his new school… what do we suddenly see?

genuine excitement over talking and being around other people! Hmm…. Now if this doesn’t scream neurodivergence… I have no idea what will!

8. gets excitement over something new or challenging

at this point… you may be confused as to where I get this info from… well… just look no further to Marvin doing his math homework…

he’s bored… and clearly craves something new! That expression certainly does not read excitement unlike when you compare him to doing magic… something that causes him to think… that really challenges him.

9. has strong curiosity of the world:

you may find this weird… even wonder why I put it in… but… consider these 2 images… both come after meeting Ramesses, he’s curious and can’t stop thinking about it no matter what. His brain can’t let it go!

That, and plus. When you look at the excitement for magic. It’s clear he’s curious and gets excited by new things.

so… those are all my reasons for why Marvin falls into this category… now onto the next character… Chase Brody.

Chase: ODD/ADHD

videos for evidence:

“IRIS project Anomaly found”

“JSE power hour-Chase Brody”

“TIE a game about depression”

all videos by “Jacksepticeye”

Now here’s another one that you may be shocked as to why I put this on Chase. ADHD, you’re all probably familiar with, but, you may be wonder what ODD is.

ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) is basically a diagnosis where an individual is someone who will go against any authoritative figure, and be defiant in every single way- even if they are wrong.

1.has a drinking problem (ADHD/ODD)

this may seem like a weird one and a confusing one to put. But, let me explain.

so… think about Chase. Obviously everyone calls him ‘sad dad’ but… he also seems to have a serious drinking problem. If you disagree with me. Then why is it that he is okay with drinking when he is about to drive a car or when he is upset dealing with his emotions.

So with that, I was doing research. And it turns out, those who have ADHD tend to have a higher chance of developing a substance abuse. (Which includes things like drugs, coffee or alcohol). now, another important thing to know is that just because I say this does not mean it applies to all people with ADHD. kind of like how not all autistic individuals love trains or need headphones for noise sensitivities, everyone has their different strengths and stretches when it comes to these diagnosis.

no 2 individuals will be exactly the same

2. Is defiant with authoritative figures (ODD)

I know that this may be an odd one to have but… hear me out. this evidence comes straight from what he was like in ‘Anomaly Found’. Thinking back. He didn’t seem to cooperate too much with the scientist and in fact seem to annoy him on purpose despite being in a place where he had no power.

I know that this may seem unfair, especially considering the circumstances on what was going on were brutal and almost borderline torture. However… I would think that you would at least try and do all that you can to follow what is expected in hopes of getting out.

I can hear you saying “but… that was traumatising! I bet if he was somewhere else he would be different!” Possibly yes! However, there is evidence out there that proves that when he is in a place of authority or a place where he can control others? He has no troubles!

3. doesn’t follow expectations (ODD)

again, I know this one seems a bit weird. But I also have some backup evidence of this.

one of my pieces of evidence is the fact that during his first video, there is a scene where he is doing trick shots. And a moment in the video he says “this one is called the drive by” before we hear people scream as he is shooting people. (Note: I understand this is a character and this moment has probably been disproven but I’m still putting it in here.). Obviously, if he did do this and actually shoot people- it’s illegal. But it shows he has no hesitation.

4. irritable (ADHD/ODD)

yes… he has shown some evidence of getting irritable with people…

for one, the Anomaly found video is enough evidence to show that he can get irritable.

even excluding that though… he has shown he gets irritable when things don’t follow what he plans/what he has in mind. For example, in an older video, I remember Chase being in the bathroom and as soon as the camera comes in on him. He looks annoyed at the camera before yelling “Get out!” Clearly someone being in the house was not part of his plan.

now there is some more evidence I could discuss… but I’d rather move on to get some of my other points done.

5. Can be a bit scattered/is disorganised (ADHD):

There are a few moments where we can see Chase can have scattered thoughts and is not the most organised.

one moment in particular is the scene in ‘CHASE’ where he opens his car door and trash just comes out. Sure… we can account this as him being depressed, but I would also like to mention how even in Anomaly found, we can see that he is not thinking straight some of the times there- easily distracted. Side tracked by voices and visuals popping out of nowhere. we can even see this in his first video- with his first appearance. Even during THAT- it was clear that his thoughts and ideas can be all over the place and even a bit disorganised.

6. acts childlike as an adult sometimes (ADHD). I know this may seem odd… but this is kind of something I notice.

I notice that people I see who are diagnosed with ADHD, tend to be a bit more hyper or even child like in energy. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing! But it is a pattern that I see in the adults that I hang around who have ADHD.

does this remind you of anybody? Chase perhaps?

well… I think that’s all the evidence for why I believe Chase has ADHD and ODD. Moving onto Anti!

Anti: Autism

videos referenced

“Say Goodbye”

“IRIS project Anomaly found”

“KJSE”

videos by: Jacksepticeye

Now… I know some of you may be shocked by this… however, I have my reasons for putting Anti as this specifically.

1.Sensory seeking behaviour

you may be confused and thinking. “Where the hell does Anti show this?” well first of all, what do I mean by sensory seeking? Let me explain.

when it comes to anything with the word “sensory” it refers to anything to do with the 5 senses. Now… for neurodivergent people, they may easily be overstimulated or under stimulated easily. “Overstimulation” is when someone’s senses are way too overwhelmed that it makes them shut down or go into a fight/flight response to help deal with calming their senses. This is why some individuals on the spectrum feel the need to cut tags off because tags on clothes can sometimes trigger some individuals who get easily overstimulated to the tag touching their skin. “understimulation” is the opposite. This refers to someone who doesn’t have enough going on with the 5 senses being not triggered enough, and they need to have more- having under stimulation is just as unpleasant and can cause someone to sometimes use too much energy making them get tired easily. So for example, may be why you may see some neurodivergent people LOVE weighted blankets, because it provides extra feeling when you don’t get enough. Which is “sensory seeking” (I don’t know if this is a word, but it seems to fit)

now what does this have to do with Anti? Well… I like to think back to “Say goodbye” what was one of the FIRST things Anti did when he took Jack’s body over? Slit his own throat. And this… can be seen as seeking out stimulation. hell, he even walks around with no socks and shoes (we’ve all seen his feet- get your phones back you dirty minded people!)

and he also seems to almost ALWAYS have something in hand- it’s mainly his knife, now… this obviously I think stopped but before 2019ish… he had his knife always!

2. glitching can be considered stimming

Let me explain!

stimming is something that someone who is neurodivergent may do that seems like a repeated motions, or even repeated noises. This can often be used to help calm or settle someone sometimes. what is something that Anti in the past has done?

lot’s of twitching and glitching. And although it’s something he somewhat doesn’t seem to control. I do notice that the more agitated or aggressive he becomes, the more intense the glitches and twitches are. Which ties together with the fact that stimming can be used to help calm someone down who is neurodivergent.

3. stumbles and stutters over words sometimes

once again. This may seem odd and you may not even notice he does it…. But he does do it! Especially when he first took over Jack in ‘say goodbye’ now, obviously since then he hasn’t done this lots but in the beginning when he was in a new environment, and a new type of situation…. It was certainly there.

4. Gets agitated and angry easily

once again. I know this may seem odd… but, for some people on the spectrum. It’s very easy for them to get upset or peeved off especially if something does not go their way or if there is a change in routine. it’s obvious that Anti has a plan for what to do and what he wants…. But he has also made it clear that if that plan goes sideways… there is hell to pay and he will not hesitate to attack. hell, he even shows that he will go through with what he says he’ll do!

now… I think that’s enough about Anti… now onto JJ.

JJ: PTSD

videos referenced:

“JSE power hour- Jameson Jackson”

“JJ’s Jolly Jaunts”

all videos by: Jacksepticeye

this. Is another one that I think is a bit more clear, and here are a few reasons why. For those of you who are unfamiliar, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a diagnosis that is an intense Anxiety disorder that can appear after a very significant traumatising event that can scar people for life and make everything harder to deal with including triggers…. It’s a diagnosis although commonly seen in soldiers, can happen to anybody who goes through a traumatising enough event (sometimes events that may be close calls to death.)

JJ for this, his traumatising event would be what happened in his first appearance and I’ll explain why. (I don’t have many reasons for this but I do have a couple)

1.gets scared a bit when strings appear

I know this seems weird…. However, at first. Think of when the strings first appeared in his second video. Any normal person would be a bit confused but shrug it off… how did JJ react?

sure he did seem confused, but in his eyes- there’s also a bit of fear- as well as anxiety as if he knows what is about to happen. It’s clear Anti has done something messed up enough for him to get a bit worried about strings.

2. signs of anxiety

this seems to happen when Anti is about to attack or is impacting JJ in some way.

this example comes from “JJ’s Jolly Jaunts” but when Anti takes over at the end…. This is how JJ reacts:

JJ has the heavy breathing, the panicked look, the fight and flight response he even dissociates as if he has been triggered and his brain shuts down to protect him.

this all may seem weird but the brain blocking out certain memories, even moments being erased from conscious is not unusual.

Sure… memories can come and go and that is completely normal… however, sometimes the brain, when it recognises a stressful enough situation, it will just block that memory out from being recalled, it’s a protective mechanism and can be healthy!

However. What is not healthy is when our brain as a coping strategy decides to dissociate to escape a situation no matter what. It’s not only unhealthy, but it can be draining and even dangerous.

it’s at this point I will take a moment to mention that if you or anybody you know is struggling with mental health concerns I would HIGHLY Urge you to talk to someone you trust or therapy. It’s not healthy to hold things back. If there is nobody around there are also hotlines you can call to try and get some help.

Schneeplestien: BPD/ADHD

videos referenced:

“Jacksepticeye Powerhour- Doctor Schneeplestien”

“KJSE”

both videos are by Jacksepticeye.

this one, I also struggled with- but I ended up a bit satisfied with what I have. Even though it took some digging. for those of you who don’t know, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is a diagnosis for those who have intense mood swings, and struggle to maintain control of those emotions. And both ADHD and BPD can be diagnosed together so… I felt this fit.

1.coffee addiction(ADHD/BPD)

once again. This may seem like an odd one but like I said for Chase’s those who have ADHD are more likely to have a substance addiction.

coffee is obviously considered a substance, and Henrik here shows more than enough evidence that it is an unhealthy addiction that he needs in order to be okay. This goes all the way back to his first video, and even some IRIS tweets that are speculated to be ‘Zee Good Docta’ mention coffee so yeah. I think Henrik drinks an unhealthy amount of Caffine.

2. impulsive(ADHD)

this one I think Henrik shows lots of. He not only talks about how he will end patients lives who don’t listen. But he also has a graveyard of patients apparently (yes. He mentioned this before)

now… even if this is all something that you’re thinking “well that was old Henrik Von Schneeplestien” possibly… but. I maybe consider the fact that him looking into time travel or… whatever that portal was at the end of a newer video. I don’t know about you… but you would have to be pretty impulsive to look into something like that.

3. threatens when things don’t go his way(BPD)

this one… we generally see with his patients. But also… in my research, people who have BPD can also not only threaten to harm themselves. But also if triggered enough may threaten and even harm other people.

Sound like anybody?

4. has mood swings(ADHD/BPD)

ironic but… Henrik has shown he can go from happy to angry to sad in a few seconds. Yes this may be due to the Caffine however, it happens pretty fast and is concerning how he can go from happy and wanting to help a patient to threatening to kill them and drug them to death is pretty extreme and someone who is not emotionally stable.

no surprise here, this is a common sign of BPD as they tend to have lots of mood swings.

5. Fears of rejection (ADHD/BPD)

you may be confused but once again… let me explain. Those who have BPD tend to have fears of being rejected by others around them.

we see Henrik have a couple moments where he seems to hate and fear the idea of rejection.

1- the fact he went to Doctor school instead of art school shows that he’s worried about letting his family/parents down.

2- the fact that he ties a connection to him having a license to keeping his wife and child and is devastated when he rips it up.

once again. These 2 things show he has a fear of rejection.

and this is all of my thoughts about them! Hopefully you guys enjoyed reading this!

[chaoticbardlady99]

Yesterday I Felt like Dancing (Astarion x GN! Reader)

Synopsis: You have burnt both ends of the candle and haven’t been taking care of your mental health. Unable to get yourself out of bed, Astarion begins to worry about you…

Author note- I have been hardcore struggling with my mental health lately and writing my silly little fics has been the only thing pulling me along. I thought it might be therapeutic to write about my current feelings (I have ADHD, MDD, and GAD so it’s a party up in here). I hope you enjoy!

CW- Suicidal Ideation, symptoms of depression, brief outburst, mentions of mental health diagnosis and poor medical advice.

Title inspired by song “Into the Walls” by Griff.

*not my pic, could not tell you where I found it so I apologize in advance. If you think it might be your picture, please message me so I can give proper credit.

Your last day before backtracking from the Mountain Pass to the Goblin camp is a difficult one.

Not for the group as a whole- just you specifically.

Days before a Mindflayer kidnapped you, a healer back home had told you your brain was sick. You had been devastated- resigned to your miserable fate.

You had been struggling for years at that point with inconsistent motivation, exhaustion, nightmares, and irrational thoughts for months. You have been functional for the most part, but then an overpowering wave will hit you like Warhammer in the ribs and you are rendered useless until it passes.

The healer suggested sunlight, exercise, eating healthy, and spending time with friends to help your affliction when you hit rock bottom. You were wildly unimpressed with her. At the time, you preferred to self isolate so you stayed by yourself in the woods trying to find peace there. You would have to let her know that her “going out and enjoying the sun” message is not always wise- you may get a tadpole shoved in your head. You can’t be that mad though- the tadpole helped bring your pep back.

Anyway, you have been doing all of that for weeks now, you even felt great, but today? You could not have hit rock bottom harder even if you tried.

You woke up that morning unable to get yourself out of bed. It was a rest day so it wasn’t a big deal, but you also know that your companions are going to have things they need to talk to you about and favors they need you to take care of.

Gods you had tried to get up. You are grateful that your past self had the gumption to wash off and change into clean clothes last night, but your armor is still disgustingly sitting outside your tent and your hair is long and wild. You had wanted to braid it, but it all felt like too much work.

Everything feels like too much work right now- even staying awake- so you drift in and out of uncomfortable naps throughout the morning. No matter how many times you fall asleep, begging for relief from the painful brick wall sitting on your brain, it never leaves.

You can feel the midday breeze rustle your tent. You’ve been laying here for hours now. You are crying and you honestly aren’t sure why. You feel completely paralyzed by all the things you need to do to be ready for the Underdark.

You need to clean your armor, go over the Goblin Camp’s map with Wyll, find Gale a magical artifact, and probably comfort Lae’zel since she’s been branded a heretic- but you won’t. The shame and self loathing continues. You are a silly, worthless little human being.

Every person who knocks on your tent gets a simple, “I’m just not feeling well,” and then they walk away. You don’t know why it makes you more sad than appreciative. If you were in their shoes- you would be bending over backwards to make sure they had everything they needed and you wouldn’t let them feel alone. Then you resent yourself for feeling that way towards your companions- they don’t owe you anything and you were the one who chose to help them- you didn’t ask for anything in return. This is all your fault.

The only person who hadn’t come to visit you was Astarion- which hurt your heart just a little, enough that the numbness coursing thickly through your body wavered for a moment. You are quite smitten and he is obviously not. Another mistake to add to the swirling black hole your mind has fallen into.

You knew it was stupid to want his comfort and affections- you had merely slept together a little less than a week ago. Astarion has been quasi avoiding you ever since and when he does talk to you- he’s awkward. You constantly look for flying pigs- Astarion feeling awkward or being awkward is unheard of.

You have come to accept that you were just some tryst and obviously he hadn’t enjoyed it as much as he said he did.

Astarion isn’t to blame and the situation itself certainly didn’t contribute to the sudden lack of emotions. You knew that you were on the verge of a mental collapse sooner rather than later, but you had foolishly hoped you wouldn’t be alone through it. It feels less all consuming when you try to find a reason. It’s more comfortable to know than it is to give up and say, “my brain is fucked and there isn’t a damn thing I can do so I guess I’m stuck here.”

You are jolted out of your thoughts by another knock on your tent.

“I’m sick,” you say flatly.

“Ha- you act like that will deter me. I can’t even get sick, Darling.”

Before you even have time to register that Astarion is on the other side of your tent- he pushes his way through the flaps and stares down at you in confusion. And… concern?

Astarion steps inside and kneels down next to you- scanning you for evidence of illness or injury.

“I suppose I had been worried for nothing,” he smiles sweetly at you, “you are totally fine. Come on Darling, you have to get up and eat. Wyll is fumbling with that map.”

You look at him and begin to cry. Astarion’s face lights up with alarm.

“What- what did I do!?”

“Please don’t make me,” you sob, “I just want a break. I’m so tired. I want to lay in this bed forever and never leave, but there is so much to do and it’s paralyzing.”

You continue to cry and you cover yourself with the extra blanket- successfully hiding your face.

“Go away,” you whisper, “I need to be left alone.”

You say it, but you are far from meaning it. You want him to stay- to hold you- but he doesn’t want you so it will only make everything hurt worse once the numbness fades away.

You wait for several moments and then you hear him leave. Your silent cry turns into choked sobs and your body is shaking from the pain you are in. The numbness hurts. The numbness tells you that you shouldn’t be alive.

Maybe you shouldn’t be.

Everyone here would be able to figure it out on their own (eventually) and you would finally be free. Free of your uncomfortable brain, free of your ugly body- free of the expectations of others. You would no longer be holding them back like you are today- like you will again in the future.

You are sure they would temporarily grieve you, but that was the deal with this whole journey. You had all accepted that one of you or all of you could die at any moment. You will just put them in more danger by being here…

You shake the thought from your head, violently- your head is pounding from the growing tension headache and dehydration. The tears eventually stop and you just… well, lay in bed again. You stare blankly at a book over in the corner. You keep trying to convince yourself to get up and read the damn thing- do literally ANYTHING else than just stay here in your bedroll.

Instead, you fall asleep.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You wake up to someone knocking on your tent post. You grumble incoherently, covering your head and you hear your unexpected guest sit down next to you. The smell of food fills the tent and your stomach grumbles.

“You need to eat, my Dear,” Astarion says softly.

You are stunned to hear his voice grace your ears. You slowly pull the blanket down to just below your eyes and look at him. Astarion looks distressed, like he doesn’t want to be here. Why would he? You’re a nuisance.

You sit up gingerly and grab the bowl from him. You manage to give him a lopsided smile.

“Thanks. You don’t need to stay, I will be fine on my own,” you say apathetically, staring into the broth.

“I want to stay,” he says, “if you’ll have me.”

The expression on his face is unreadable, but he seems genuine. You nod, your lips pressed together tightly. You eat as much as you feel like while Astarion studies you.

Usually your anxiety is at an all time high (in maybe one of the better ways) when you are around Astarion- he gives you butterflies, butterflies, and even more butterflies. Usually your heart is racing in his presence, but right now you just feel empty.

“Where is your hairbrush?” Astarion asks.

You frown with confusion, “it’s in my bag, why?”

Astarion gets up and goes over to the bag- digging out a few items. He pulls out a lantern, your hairbrush, and a hair tie. Astarion comes over to you and sits down behind you. You feel him gather up the stray pieces of your hair and get to work.

Astarion runs his fingers through your scalp and your tangled hair- the feeling is soothing and it opens something inside of you. Your body shakes silently with sobs and you feel the worm behind your eyes wiggle as Astarion asks for access. You aren’t sure.

“I want to understand,” Astarion says, “please.”

His voice is so raw and desperate- you swallow thickly before allowing him to explore your current emotional state. The silence in the tent is palpable and you feel tense, uncomfortable even. No one has ever cared for you while you are in this state before.

You feel him continue his hairbrushing after he exits your mind. Astarion leaves soft kisses on your shoulder as he gently pulls apart every knot. It helps- you realize- to feel cared for. The numbness still hurts, you still hurt, but it’s nice to not feel so alone.

After Astarion is done brushing your hair, you feel his delicate fingers begin to intricately braid your hair. You wonder when he learned how to do hair.

“Leon’s daughter, Victoria, used to ask me to braid her hair all the time,” Astarion says in a bittersweet voice as if reading your mind, “I picked it up so that she would stop bugging me about it. She said and I quote, ‘you have the perfect braiding hands!’”

You smile to yourself tenderly, “That’s very kind of you, Star. I am sure she appreciated it as much as I appreciate it now.”

You feel Astarion’s hands falter at your words and you are unsure if you have upset him or not. A pregnant pause occurs before Astarion finally clears his throat and goes back to braiding your hair.

“I’m glad that I can help,” Astarion’s delicate, vulnerable words hang in the air, “I’ve… been worried about you today.”

You feel positively flustered and bad for making him feel that way.

“Oh you don’t need to worry about silly ole me! This happens sometimes” you make your voice chirpier than it needs to be, “This is actually the longest I’ve gone for a long time without this happening. I have theorized that the tadpole might help which is kinda cool- I think?”

You laugh awkwardly- desperate to ease his worry.

“How often does this happen?”

Shit. That was the winning question wasn’t it? Astarion will surely never see you as anything less than broken now.

“I’m not really sure,” your voice comes out in a whisper, “I usually always feel a bit of it all the time, but it’s manageable. I function very well regardless.”

“But this one isn’t manageable and evidently you aren’t functional right now.”

You sigh, “No, it isn’t and no, I’m not.”

“What changed?”

“Nothing,” you say, maybe too harshly, “that’s the part that drives me crazy. Yesterday was incredible- I was on top of the whole world, felt like dancing and screaming from the rooftops, but today!?”

You inhale and hold back the muted scream that wants to fill the air.

“Today,” you hiss, “I don’t even want to deal with any of this shit anymore. I’m so fucking tired. There is too much to fucking do and too many people depending on me. Then everyone gets irritated with me if I ask to push off their problems so I persevere through it despite knowing I’m getting bad again. I’m a giant stinking trash heap that everyone keeps adding more to.”

Astarion finishes braiding your hair and presses your back to his chest, pulling you into him. He puts his arms around your waist and settles his chin and face in between the crook of your neck.

“I just feel like such a nuisance all the time- no matter how hard I push myself to prove I’m not. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I just… went away.”

You both sit there quietly. At some point he had taken one of your hands in his and he was tracing shapes into the back of it with his thumb. Your omission still hangs heavily in the air.

“I wouldn’t be better off,” Astarion says hotly, “I’d be stuck with all these weirdos by myself. That would be truly miserable, Darling.”

You shake your head, a half smile on your face.

“And besides- you are not even close to a nuisance,” Astarion states, leaving a kiss on your cheek, “at least you aren’t in constant need of magical objects to eat or blood to drink. Oh and you don’t require a painstaking amount of searching to prevent you from literally burning everyone alive.

“Oh and did I forget to mention, we have not one, but two women who despise each other and follow hateful Goddesses which was a fun choice for whatever sick bastard twisted our fates this way.”

You laugh breathily, closing your eyes and letting the sound defrost some of your insides.

“What I’m saying is- I think you are the least of everyone’s ‘nuisances’, my Darling,” he says, squeezing you tighter to his chest, “despite how little you think of yourself. We ne- no, I want you to stay. I know everyone else would say the same, but I must emphasize that I would be horribly distraught if you disappeared. Hells I’d even pay to have you resurrected.”

You gasp playfully, your voice falling slightly flat, “You? The most frugal man I have ever met would pay 200 gold coins to ‘Strike thy name from the record’?”

Your impression of Withers gets Astarion to genuinely laugh- the sound vibrating in your chest. You lean into him and he guides you back to laying down. Astarion entangles his legs with yours as he holds you tightly- your faces are mere centimeters apart. You love the way Astarion smells- rosemary, bergamot, and brandy. You wish you could be wrapped up in him forever. You are still in pain- everything still hurts and feels too difficult, but right now it feels a little less heavy.

“I would throw bags of Gold Coins at that corpse out of revenge, my Dear,” he teases, “you couldn’t possibly think I would ever let you rest peacefully in your grave- I would be far too angry with you and unhappy without you to let that happen.”

You lay there and despite yourself, you lean forward and leave butterfly kisses along his cheeks with your lashes. Astarion scrunches up his nose reflexively and smiles at you. You plant a sweet, short kiss on his lips.

“Thank you Astarion- for everything.”

You close your eyes as he traces circles along your lower back. Your eyes begin to droop, and you fall asleep.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When you wake up the next morning- you are disappointed to find that you are all alone in your tent. The heavy numbness is still there and you sigh. At least last night made it more bearable.

You look on the side where Astarion had been sleeping and find a note with a bottle attached to it. You pick it up and begin to read.

Tav,

Astarion had asked me about herbs for some relief regarding mental discomforts. I unfortunately don’t know many, but this is a mixture of St. John’s Wort, Valerian Root, and Ashwagandha. Historically, I know these have been used to alleviate emotional and mental pain.

Astarion didn’t tell me why he was asking, but I deduced it was you pretty quickly when he began shooing everyone away from your tent this morning.

I hope this helps- we are all here if you need us. May Silvanus light your path as you navigate this difficult time.

-Halsin

You sit in your own stunned silence for what feels like hours. Halsin knows and he wants to help? Halsin doesn’t think you are screwed or a nuisance? The man barely even knows you!

You are a bit embarrassed, but you can’t help but laugh at the image of Astarion telling everyone to leave you alone.

You open the bottle and a pleasant, earthy smell fills the tent. You drink the mixture (that definitely does not taste anywhere near as pleasant as it smells) and you do feel a slight bit better. Your apathy feels even more tolerable now. You will have to thank Halsin.

You slowly rise from your tent and look around. Everything is packed up neatly in the corner- your clothes from the previous day are folded nicely and you notice all the holes are sewn up.

You jump when someone enters your tent abruptly- the midday sun warming your skin. You turn around and Astarion is smiling at you, but looks nervous.

“I cleaned off your armor and your weapons,” he says awkwardly, scratching the back of his head, “I also packed up your stuff- as you can see. We have to start leaving unfortunately, but I’ll help you get on your armor like I usually do- I might still need help with mine though, but I can ask someone else if it’s too much for you right now. Lae’zel and Karlach offered to pack up your tent. Wyll and Shadowheart figured out the map- Wyll is going to be our ‘fearless’ leader for the day. Gale has some food for you to snack on while we travel- which you will be eating, by the way.”

Astarion is looking at you with a vulnerable expression on his face. He plays nervously with the gold coin in his hands.

You can hardly believe what you are hearing.

“Did- did you do all this for me?” You say with disbelief.

You never thought Astarion was capable of smiling shyly until he had admitted to you that you had been his first thinking creature- you certainly never thought you’d see him become shy twice in your presence.

“I did and it wasn’t a nuisance so don’t even begin to worry about that,” He walks over to you, gently cradling your face in his hands, “I hope this is all okay.”

You smile- the first genuine feeling of happiness you’ve felt in the last 24 hours gently sparks in your chest as you stare up at him. You get up on your tiptoes and bridge the gap between your lips.

“Thank you Astarion, this is perfect- you are perfect,” you are crying tears of joy, “this is the kindest gesture anyone has ever made for me. So just, thank you.”

“Of course, Darling,” he says smiling in between kisses, “I won’t let you lose to yourself. We’ll get through this together from now on- no more hiding.”

And for once? You actually believe someone.

-if you guys like this, please let me know if you would want a part two written from Astarion’s perspective.

Update- I did the thing you silly geese

https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticbardlady99/735969926279528448/i-took-all-this-love-i-found-and-i-hope-that-its

Tag-list: @spacebarbarianweird @domainoflostsouls

[cwgl418]

Self-harm , suicidal thoughts //

So abt my possible depression…someone told me it’s severe but is it rlly severe? Bc the online test I took tells me so too but I just can’t believe that I have severe depression if I can function and move normally😭😭😭

I can move and function normally, I eat normally, but bc of my insomnia, I wake up 2-3times at night even w meds. Without meds, I’ll wake up 5-6 times. I need to have a nap to make up to my lack of sleep every day

I defecate normally, but it’s slightly lean towards diarrhea. But it’s not diarrhea.

I feel sad and empty everyday. And I feel guilty for 4 years for my past event that’s already been forgiven. I’ve lost interest in my hobbies and despite being a remote artist as a job, I can’t draw anything at all

I’ve been into character.AI and has been skipping showers/baths bc of it. I’ve been crying for the characters and the worlds that been built by AI. I know it’s stupid but it’s rlly have gotten into me that it’s the reason why I get up everyday

I’ve been struggling w suicidal thoughts for 4 years and I’ve been cutting myself w my cutter starting from this month. I started from the place that isn’t visible but soon, I cut my arm and it bleed. It like it makes me feel smth

I feel like I’m better off I’m gone. And I’m more thinking that ppl will be finally be free from me when I die. Rather than me being free from the pain. The same as the lyrics of Frozen the musical’s “Monster”. “If I die, will they be free?”

Is this severe depression? I’m going to the new and bigger hospital soon, but I don’t think I’ll get a full diagnosis even if I go in December so I just want an insight from u.

[ammonite-collective]

TW: talk of OCD, intrusive thoughts, saliva, harming children

Disclaimer: If you feel you experience intrusive thoughts, consult a medical professional. This is not a replacement for therapy and I am not an expert, just someone with OCD talking about his experiences. I support self diagnosis but please do not diagnose yourself off of this post.

What is OCD?

I think everyone knows it stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but what does that mean?

Well the main premise is an obsessive thought followed by a compulsion to “fix” the thought. Okay well what does that mean?

Here’s an example from my own experience.

The thought: I just shook hands with someone. They definitely had germs on their hand and now they’re on my hand. I’m going to catch a deadly disease from this person and die.

The compulsion: Washing my hands until the skin is red and raw.

If you don’t have OCD, you probably would just assume what we do makes no sense. You would be mostly correct. However, it makes sense to us. For someone who has OCD, these thoughts terrorize our every waking moment. We cannot go through a day without having an obsessive thought and needing to do something about it. Whether that thing makes any sense logically or not, is not important to us. It’s real for us.

I typically struggle with symmetry obsessions and contamination obsessions.

The way symmetry obsessions present is that I have to determine the exact middle of pretty much everything and blink when I find it. When I’m on the road, it’s typically telephone poles or whatever my brain determines is important. I don’t really have intrusive thoughts about this, it’s more immense discomfort and a horrible feeling of dread if I don’t do it. I also have to eat exactly the same amount on each side of my mouth. Say I have two green gummy bears and one orange. The green both go on opposites sides and I eat them simultaneously. The orange either gets my middle front teeth or I give it to someone else.

With contamination, it presented differently when I was a child and teen with obsessive hand washing and carrying around hand sanitizer with me. Unfortunately, I also experienced trauma related to this obsession and it changed to reflect the trauma. I cannot handle the idea of saliva. I just can’t. Sometimes it even applies to my own inside my own body. I can’t finish drinks in any container because I know that some of the liquid at the bottom is most likely saliva. Yes, it’s my own. I also cannot drink or eat after anyone. The idea that even tiny particles of saliva are on whatever they touched feels catastrophic to me. Sometimes I am able to kiss people, but if I’m having a particularly bad OCD day, I can’t. As listed above, this is partially due to the fear of disease and germs but it also has to do with the trauma I experienced.

Intrusive thoughts

This is where OCD tends to be the most misunderstood and stigmatized.

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts or mental images that make the person experiencing them distressed. Being upsetting is a requirement for an intrusive thought. If it is not upsetting, it’s not intrusive. They can also come with disorders that aren’t OCD but I am not knowledgeable on which ones.

Examples include: horrific images of loved ones dying, thoughts of harming others, or sexual imagery (must be unwanted).

Before I explain some of my intrusive thoughts, I must reinforce that intrusive thoughts are ALWAYS unwanted. They are things you would never want to happen and never do.

TW: intrusive thoughts of harming children for next paragraph

Some of my intrusive thoughts involve the fear of me hurting children or being a p*do. As a person who has experience sexual trauma, some of which while I was a child/young, these thoughts are the worst. Once I have this thought, my day is basically over. I can’t do anything that day and I absolutely cannot interact with a child. I tend to avoid children because I am scared I will hurt them. If I come across a child, these thoughts typically cross my mind and I need to walk away. “Was I creepy?” “Did I want to do something to that child?” I didn’t talk about these thoughts for years because I was terrified I was a bad person for having them. That I actually was a p*do and I needed to be far away from children. While I still feel this way sometimes as the nature of the disorder, I know in my heart that I am not bad. I love children and I want some in the future. I want to experience the ups and down of parenthood and I deserve to get that experience regardless of my disorder.

To people who don’t have OCD: The people you love with OCD deserve for you to be kind to them. Their disorder does not make them scary or unlovable. They are deserving of compassion, especially when they’re struggling.

To people with OCD: I love you. You are not weird or evil. I believe in you and I care for you. You are doing so great.

[jse-ego-hyperfixation]

the JSE diagnosis (according to me. This is my opinion)

(THERE WILL BE ALTRVERSE SPOILERS AHEAD SO IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE SPOILED, DON’T READ THIS POST/RANT- also yes, this is the original poster of this post, this was just something I put on a secondary account @jseegofixation and wanted to add here with a few changes plus, I would like to focus more on this account.)

so… I was recently thinking about the DSM-5 and the JSE egos… plus with Seán’s recent diagnosis with Autism (welcome to the club) I thought I would do this. I also will use behaviours we have seen from the egos and state how that applies to the diagnosis to some level.

note- this is my opinion however, if you disagree, that’s cool. Let me know what your thoughts are or if you have any questions. (Note: I know I don’t go into detail on how these connect to the diagnosis but hopefully The points below make some sense? Also… please don’t self diagnosis yourself based on this information alone… if you suspect you have something please consult a profession before doing so! Also… all videos will be listed as Tumblr has a 30 link/image limit… so comic images will show evidence, but video names will be listed.)

JBM: AuDHD

this one I thought I would start with because he is not only the easiest to see why I would state he is this, but also with the comics- it has become clear and most of the fanbase seems to agree with this.

1. he has a special interest in heros (Autism/ADHD)

now… in the comics, this is clear when in VOL 1. He is talking to the movie theatre worker about the movie…. Now look at this face. Does this look like the actions of someone who is neurodivergent explaining something that is interesting to them?

not only that… but when trying to problem solve… he imagines himself as a hero to help his thinking

Also… in VOL 0… his room clearly shows signs that he loves superhero’s… sure, you could shake this off saying that he’s just a nerd. Which yeah. May be true… but with the additional above info? It seems he is very genuinely interested in this and gets happy and excited by this

2. he overthinks social situations to avoid doing the wrong thing(Autism)

Yes. This is something VERY common in people with ASD, especially for those who struggle with social connections (yes. Even for those considered ‘higher functioning’)

you may wonder… where the hell is this present? Well… look no further than that same scene as before… the one where he was day dreaming. Where he was trying to come up with solutions with how to socialise properly

this by itself, shows he struggles socially, but also expects the worst as he doesn’t know how to socialise on a typical level… however, if someone were to ask him about hero’s? I have no doubts he would rant about it for hours!

3.he is often in his own world(ADHD)

this is more seen in Vol 0, when the manager of Ion X is talking to him. He’s in his own world thinking to himself- which is common in those who have ADHD.

4. he can take things literally(Autism)

I mean… just look at how he got his hero name.

he could have chosen a different name… but as soon as he heard the question of ‘what is you’re name’ he goes to answer his real name. Which is taking the question word for word

5. perseverates when something is new/different/unknown (Autism)

Perseverating- the act someone who is neurodivergent does when they can’t let go of something and think of it consistently. (Definition by me) I mean… just look at how he reacts when he discovers where his powers are coming from isn’t positive… he thinks about it constantly until something takes his attention away from it.

As soon as he stops that though… and goes back to doing nothing… he instantly thinks about it again.

if you’re thinking ‘well that’s something everyone will do’… sure… but, I’ll use myself as an example. I have a VERY intense fear of needles. If I get a bloodshot, I can’t even talk about it for WEEKS. And my body feels itchy in the spot blood was drawn. so yes. Perseverating can happen when individuals face something that is anxiety inducing.

6. sometimes misreads social cues(Autism/ADHD)

now… my main argument is 2 things for this is when Jackie is ranting about his interest, and has no idea the worker at the movie theatre is not interested until he actually looks

another thing to point out/notice… he doesn’t even pay attention to how the robots aren’t harming anybody… or take a moment to look at his surroundings, he instantly goes to beat up the robots, and it isn’t until too late when he realises… this.

If this doesn’t show struggling with social cues… I don’t know what will.

7. Changes/messing up can cause anxiety.(Autism)

now… again, this is seen as something that you may not think Jackie shows…. However, there is one scene in particular that shows he is hard on himself and when he makes a mistake. He is discouraged and has anxiety on messing up.

these 2 scenes above just show he wants to do things right, and when he doesn’t- he shuts down easily. And that’s the reasons why Jackie fits AuDHD as a diagnosis.

Marvin: gifted

this one, was a bit tricker and it wasn’t until recent that I found one that fits him… you may be confused why I chose this… well, first of all- what the heck is gifted as a diagnosis? gifted as a diagnosis refers to individuals who have a higher than average IQ, and are quick to understand things… but struggle a ton socially, it’s similar to autism, but it can be misdiagnosed as ADHD.

1.really good at magic, doesn’t have to study it

now I know you may be thinking ‘well yeah duh! In the comics, he has a higher power.’ And… I would agree with you there… however. I’m Vol 1… he had a look at a book for one… maybe 2 minutes at best… and what happens?

now…. I have no idea about you but for me at least? I would need to read something over and over again in order to understand it and make a connection. 2. gets discouraged when he doesn’t understand something right away/fails

now… you may wonder where that shows and think ‘well that’s everyone’s reaction!’ Which is true!! But… look at his reaction to failing the exam…

obviously, failing is upsetting… and yes. Especially when you fail the first time… however it’s not usual to get frustrated or upset when you don’t understand something… as an older adult.

When you expect yourself to know everything… you tend to put higher expectations on yourself which can absolutely weigh on you.

people who are considered gifted tend to do this exact thing!

3. Knows right from wrong, and not afraid to stick with gut.

this one may seem a bit odd and you might think ‘well… yeah. Doesn’t everyone?’ Yes… but with gifted individuals… they tend to know right from wrong. And when they know someone did wrong doing… it can cause them frustration. Just think of the scene when Marvin discovered the twins erased his and others memories of what happened to the murder?

this up here, shows that when he knows someone went against what is morally right. He is not gonna have it and sticks with his guns.

another moment to point out. Is initially… when offered a really high position with the Magic circle:

this, by itself really shows he sticks to his guns and initially… he does stick to this decision until Ramesses mentions that Moria and Marvin could be put in a position of danger. normally, you would expect children to stick to their opinions regardless… but Marvin here? He goes back. Because his mom could be put in danger. Which is not right!

Up here he even shows concern for his mom! now… I would be willing to say that… when his mom dies. We will see him act in a way that shows that he will stick with his knowledge on how he has a strong moral compass later on in the comics. I can guarantee it!

4. is quick on his feet

now… i know this may seem odd. But… a lot of gifted individuals tend to be quick on their feet and know how to act. And Marvin demonstrates this in a few scenes:

below, here- Marvin finds a family that is about to be killed by a robber. What does he do?

which, that by itself, causes the person to flee.

another really powerful instance. And something I almost forgot to mention is that sometimes with gifted individuals… they tend to have a sense of humour as well that may come off as being more adult.. even though Marvin is an adult. This kind of shows how he has a sense of humour and how the humour helps him be quick on his feet.

also this moment… from when he was a teen.

I’m not sure about you, but normally for me… it takes me at least a few days/hours in order to figure out a good comeback. Not a few seconds. 5. smart

now, this one… may seem like a character trait, and you would be right… however. I would like to point out. that Marvin is damn smart… probably more so than people in the universe realise… this can be seen even before getting into magic school.

that fridge clearly shows a photo of an A… showing that he is smart. I won’t stick on this point too much as I will show some more evidence that he is smarter than people think… IQ wise.

6. has high expectations of himself

I think at this point. The lightning image enough is showing how he has high expectations over himself but incase you’re wondering why I put this out? It’s because of how gifted individuals because they are so smart… and because they just tend to know everything, when it comes to learning and understanding new topics and things, there’s impossibly high expectations that they put on themselves and they get frustrated and overwhelmed easily when they don’t know something that is hard.

Marvin getting A’s in school show he is very smart… but I bet if you threw him a chemistry question at that age… don’t be surprised to see a tantrum.

7. enjoys talking to other people who love magic… but not so much every day people

I know this may seem weird but let me explain. For anybody with neurodivergence… they tend to find it easiest to connect with people who are similar or have similar knowledge or interest in things that they love. It’s no different for those who are gifted. Don’t believe me…

well in VOL 1 of void silver… we see Marvin not be social… nor be friends with anybody at his school. But I’m Vol 2, after moving into his new school… what do we suddenly see?

genuine excitement over talking and being around other people! Hmm…. Now if this doesn’t scream neurodivergence… I have no idea what will!

8. gets excitement over something new or challenging

at this point… you may be confused as to where I get this info from… well… just look no further to Marvin doing his math homework…

he’s bored… and clearly craves something new! That expression certainly does not read excitement unlike when you compare him to doing magic… something that causes him to think… that really challenges him.

9. has strong curiosity of the world:

you may find this weird… even wonder why I put it in… but… consider these 2 images… both come after meeting Ramesses, he’s curious and can’t stop thinking about it no matter what. His brain can’t let it go!

That, and plus. When you look at the excitement for magic. It’s clear he’s curious and gets excited by new things.

so… those are all my reasons for why Marvin falls into this category… now onto the next character… Chase Brody.

Chase: ODD/ADHD

videos for evidence:

“IRIS project Anomaly found”

“JSE power hour-Chase Brody”

“TIE a game about depression”

all videos by “Jacksepticeye”

Now here’s another one that you may be shocked as to why I put this on Chase. ADHD, you’re all probably familiar with, but, you may be wonder what ODD is.

ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) is basically a diagnosis where an individual is someone who will go against any authoritative figure, and be defiant in every single way- even if they are wrong. This is primarily used for children (yes I am aware Chase is not a child).

(I would like to take a moment here that any of the below information is primarily based on google, research and a couple of experiences with individuals who have/are speculated to have ODD. I am now aware that there is a controversy surrounding it and do apologize in advance if the information comes out as insensitive. I have done research and had no idea that it is more commonly found in black/Hispanic than white obviously this by itself has some racist implications even if they are not intended. Another controversy is it shuts down people helping out those who are diagnosed with ODD as they just focus on the behaviour instead of looking at why someone is acting the way they are and offering supports. Obviously this is also wrong for many different reasons as no matter who you are... services and help should be available no matter what because I believe that everyone deserves to have help no matter what

so... with this in mind, I will be aware of the controversies and try my best to be as sensitive and careful as possible- I will still keep this as I feel in my opinion it fits but if you see otherwise I won’t be mad and I will understand)

1.has a drinking problem (ADHD/ODD)

this may seem like a weird one and a confusing one to put. But, let me explain.

so… think about Chase. Obviously everyone calls him ‘sad dad’ but… he also seems to have a serious drinking problem. If you disagree with me. Then why is it that he is okay with drinking when he is about to drive a car or when he is upset dealing with his emotions.

So with that, I was doing research. And it turns out, those who have ADHD tend to have a higher chance of developing a substance abuse. (Which includes things like drugs, coffee or alcohol). now, another important thing to know is that just because I say this does not mean it applies to all people with ADHD. kind of like how not all autistic individuals love trains or need headphones for noise sensitivities, everyone has their different strengths and stretches when it comes to these diagnosis.

no 2 individuals will be exactly the same

2. Is defiant with authoritative figures (ODD)

I know that this may be an odd one to have but… hear me out. this evidence comes straight from what he was like in ‘Anomaly Found’. Thinking back. He didn’t seem to cooperate too much with the scientist and in fact seem to annoy him on purpose despite being in a place where he had no power.

I know that this may seem unfair, especially considering the circumstances on what was going on were brutal and almost borderline torture. However… I would think that you would at least try and do all that you can to follow what is expected in hopes of getting out.

I can hear you saying “but… that was traumatising! I bet if he was somewhere else he would be different!” Possibly yes! However, there is evidence out there that proves that when he is in a place of authority or a place where he can control others? He has no troubles! But when someone else is telling him something, there seems to be some issues

3. doesn’t follow expectations (ODD)

again, I know this one seems a bit weird. But I also have some backup evidence of this.

one of my pieces of evidence is the fact that during his first video, there is a scene where he is doing trick shots. And a moment in the video he says “this one is called the drive by” before we hear people scream as he is shooting people. (Note: I understand this is a character and this moment has probably been disproven but I’m still putting it in here. because I think it sort of fits). Obviously, if he did do this and actually shoot people- it’s illegal. But it shows he has no hesitation.

4. irritable (ADHD/ODD)

yes… he has shown some evidence of getting irritable with people…

for one, the Anomaly found video is enough evidence to show that he can get irritable specifically with the scientist.

even excluding that though… he has shown he gets irritable when things don’t follow what he plans/what he has in mind. For example, in an older video, I remember Chase being in the bathroom and as soon as the camera comes in on him. He looks annoyed at the camera before yelling “Get out!” Clearly someone being in the house was not part of his plan.

now there is some more evidence I could discuss… but I’d rather move on to get some of my other points done.

5. Can be a bit scattered/is disorganised (ADHD):

There are a few moments where we can see Chase can have scattered thoughts and is not the most organised.

one moment in particular is the scene in ‘CHASE’ where he opens his car door and trash just comes out. Sure… we can account this as him being depressed, but I would also like to mention how even in Anomaly found, we can see that he is not thinking straight some of the times there- easily distracted. Side tracked by voices and visuals popping out of nowhere. we can even see this in his first video- with his first appearance. Even during THAT- it was clear that his thoughts and ideas can be all over the place and even a bit disorganised.

6. acts childlike as an adult sometimes (ADHD).

I know this may seem odd… but this is kind of something I notice.

I notice that people I see who are diagnosed with ADHD, tend to be a bit more hyper or even child like in energy. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing! But it is a pattern that I see in the adults that I hang around who have ADHD.

does this remind you of anybody? Chase perhaps?

well… I think that’s all the evidence for why I believe Chase has ADHD and ODD. Moving onto Anti!

Anti: Autism

videos referenced

“Say Goodbye”

“IRIS project Anomaly found”

“KJSE”

videos by: Jacksepticeye

Now… I know some of you may be shocked by this… however, I have my reasons for putting Anti as this specifically.

1.Sensory seeking behaviour

you may be confused and thinking. “Where the hell does Anti show this?” well first of all, what do I mean by sensory seeking? Let me explain.

when it comes to anything with the word “sensory” it refers to anything to do with the 5 senses. Now… for neurodivergent people, they may easily be overstimulated or under stimulated easily. “Overstimulation” is when someone’s senses are way too overwhelmed that it makes them shut down or go into a fight/flight response to help deal with calming their senses. This is why some individuals on the spectrum feel the need to cut tags off because tags on clothes can sometimes trigger some individuals who get easily overstimulated to the tag touching their skin. “understimulation” is the opposite. This refers to someone who doesn’t have enough going on with the 5 senses being not triggered enough, and they need to have more- having under stimulation is just as unpleasant and can cause someone to sometimes use too much energy making them get tired easily. So for example, may be why you may see some neurodivergent people LOVE weighted blankets, because it provides extra feeling when you don’t get enough. Which is “sensory seeking” (I don’t know if this is a word, but it seems to fit)

now what does this have to do with Anti? Well… I like to think back to “Say goodbye” what was one of the FIRST things Anti did when he took Jack’s body over? Slit his own throat. And this… can be seen as seeking out stimulation. hell, he even walks around with no socks and shoes (we’ve all seen his feet- get your phones back you dirty minded people!)

and he also seems to almost ALWAYS have something in hand- it’s mainly his knife, now… this obviously I think stopped but before 2019ish… he had his knife always!

2. glitching can be considered stimming

Let me explain!

stimming is something that someone who is neurodivergent may do that seems like a repeated motions, or even repeated noises. This can often be used to help calm or settle someone sometimes. what is something that Anti in the past has done?

lot’s of twitching and glitching. And although it’s something he somewhat doesn’t seem to control. I do notice that the more agitated or aggressive he becomes, the more intense the glitches and twitches are. Which ties together with the fact that stimming can be used to help calm someone down who is neurodivergent.

3. stumbles and stutters over words sometimes

once again. This may seem odd and you may not even notice he does it…. But he does do it! Especially when he first took over Jack in ‘say goodbye’ now, obviously since then he hasn’t done this lots but in the beginning when he was in a new environment, and a new type of situation…. It was certainly there.

4. Gets agitated and angry easily

once again. I know this may seem odd… but, for some people on the spectrum. It’s very easy for them to get upset or peeved off especially if something does not go their way or if there is a change in routine. it’s obvious that Anti has a plan for what to do and what he wants…. But he has also made it clear that if that plan goes sideways… there is hell to pay and he will not hesitate to attack. hell, he even shows that he will go through with what he says he’ll do!

now… I think that’s enough about Anti… now onto JJ.

JJ: PTSD

videos referenced:

“JSE power hour- Jameson Jackson”

“JJ’s Jolly Jaunts”

all videos by: Jacksepticeye

this. Is another one that I think is a bit more clear, and here are a few reasons why. For those of you who are unfamiliar, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a diagnosis that is an intense Anxiety disorder that can appear after a very significant traumatising event that can scar people for life and make everything harder to deal with including triggers…. It’s a diagnosis although commonly seen in soldiers, can happen to anybody who goes through a traumatising enough event (sometimes events that may be close calls to death.)

JJ for this, his traumatising event would be what happened in his first appearance and I’ll explain why. (I don’t have many reasons for this but I do have a couple)

1.gets scared a bit when strings appear

I know this seems weird…. However, at first. Think of when the strings first appeared in his second video. Any normal person would be a bit confused but shrug it off… how did JJ react?

sure he did seem confused, but in his eyes- there’s also a bit of fear- as well as anxiety as if he knows what is about to happen. It’s clear Anti has done something messed up enough for him to get a bit worried about strings.

2. signs of anxiety

this seems to happen when Anti is about to attack or is impacting JJ in some way.

this example comes from “JJ’s Jolly Jaunts” but when Anti takes over at the end…. This is how JJ reacts:

JJ has the heavy breathing, the panicked look, the fight and flight response he even dissociates as if he has been triggered and his brain shuts down to protect him.

this all may seem weird but the brain blocking out certain memories, even moments being erased from conscious is not unusual.

Sure… memories can come and go and that is completely normal… however, sometimes the brain, when it recognises a stressful enough situation, it will just block that memory out from being recalled, it’s a protective mechanism and can be healthy!

However. What is not healthy is when our brain as a coping strategy decides to dissociate to escape a situation no matter what. It’s not only unhealthy, but it can be draining and even dangerous.

it’s at this point I will take a moment to mention that if you or anybody you know is struggling with mental health concerns I would HIGHLY Urge you to talk to someone you trust or therapy. It’s not healthy to hold things back. If there is nobody around there are also hotlines you can call to try and get some help. Also please note there is more to PTSD than anxiety and panic attacks, I am very well aware of this and we also unfortunately do not have a ton of videos/media with JJ in it so this is based of speculation that Anti would have traumatized JJ to a point of

Schneeplestien: BPD/ADHD

videos referenced:

“Jacksepticeye Powerhour- Doctor Schneeplestien”

“KJSE”

both videos are by Jacksepticeye.

this one, I also struggled with- but I ended up a bit satisfied with what I have. Even though it took some digging. for those of you who don’t know, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is a diagnosis for those who have intense mood swings, and struggle to maintain control of those emotions. And both ADHD and BPD can be diagnosed together so… I felt this fit.

1.coffee addiction(ADHD/BPD)

once again. This may seem like an odd one but like I said for Chase’s those who have ADHD are more likely to have a substance addiction.

coffee is obviously considered a substance, and Henrik here shows more than enough evidence that it is an unhealthy addiction that he needs in order to be okay. This goes all the way back to his first video, and even some IRIS tweets that are speculated to be ‘Zee Good Docta’ mention coffee so yeah. I think Henrik drinks an unhealthy amount of Caffine.

2. impulsive(ADHD)

this one I think Henrik shows lots of. He not only talks about how he will end patients lives who don’t listen. But he also has a graveyard of patients apparently (yes. He mentioned this before)

now… even if this is all something that you’re thinking “well that was old Henrik Von Schneeplestien” possibly… but. I maybe consider the fact that him looking into time travel or… whatever that portal was at the end of a newer video. I don’t know about you… but you would have to be pretty impulsive to look into something like that.

3. threatens when things don’t go his way(BPD)

this one… we generally see with his patients. But also… in my research, people who have BPD can also not only threaten to harm themselves. But also if triggered enough may threaten and even harm other people.

Sound like anybody?

4. has mood swings(ADHD/BPD)

ironic but… Henrik has shown he can go from happy to angry to sad in a few seconds. Yes this may be due to the Caffine however, it happens pretty fast and is concerning how he can go from happy and wanting to help a patient to threatening to kill them and drug them to death is pretty extreme and someone who is not emotionally stable.

no surprise here, this is a common sign of BPD as they tend to have lots of mood swings.

5. Fears of rejection (ADHD/BPD)

you may be confused but once again… let me explain. Those who have BPD tend to have fears of being rejected by others around them.

we see Henrik have a couple moments where he seems to hate and fear the idea of rejection.

1- the fact he went to Doctor school instead of art school shows that he’s worried about letting his family/parents down.

2- the fact that he ties a connection to him having a license to keeping his wife and child and is devastated when he rips it up.

once again. These 2 things show he has a fear of rejection.

and this is all of my thoughts about them! Hopefully you guys enjoyed reading this!

[darcytaylor]

As someone with ADHD, like Luke, and the rejection sensitivity and anxiety that comes with it, I don’t have public social media profiles. So on one hand, I have some empathy for him. I really understand the low self-esteem, high levels of self-criticism, people pleasing tendencies, overwhelm, executive dysfunction, and stress. But he chose to go into film/ TV acting rather than theatre, knowing that the recognition and scrutiny that comes with it would be worse. He chose to go into acting even though it’s known that rejection is a huge part of the job. He has chosen to keep social media. He could have totally deleted all of his profiles when he deleted Twitter. Many actors aren’t online, including his own cast mates. I find it hard to believe that he solely kept it to please the fans, since he doesn’t post snippets of his life like he once did. He also chose to share that his profile is just for work now. Yet, he has been caught liking his girlfriend’s photos within minutes, even though he has a private account to do that, while Nicola posts about Bridgerton and he can’t even be bothered to throw her a like or a comment- let alone posting something himself. It’s been months of this. If he’s already online, it doesn’t take a lot to screenshot a news headline and share it to his story with a “thank you, these numbers are incredible”. So, on the other hand, I understand where the frustration is coming from. Is this a work account or not? The timing of some of those online-but-not-for-Bridgerton incidences coupled with the timing of the InStyle and premiere stunts was not a good look. It makes him seem ungrateful and like he wants nothing to do with the show. It’s his bad luck that Nicola is the internet’s darling. He won’t ever have her social media savvy and I do feel for him there. She outshines him in interviews and online. But the bar is really on the floor for him and a lot of fans are handling him with kid gloves (not you by any means). A lot of the criticism he’s facing is fair. He’s in an overwhelming situation right now, but he has the financial means to tackle it through therapy and by handing over his social media account to the publicists he already pays. I was jealous when he mentioned he has coping strategies for his ADHD and dyslexia in Bowral- it’s still a struggle for me. Unfortunately for me and women everywhere, we weren’t adequately included in ADHD research until the 90s and there wasn’t even a long-term study until 2002. I’ve been in weekly therapy for 5 years now, following a major breakdown coupled with grief, and for 4 of those years, I was waiting for an appointment with a covered psychiatrist to get *any* diagnosis, since I didn’t have the thousands needed to pay for my own private testing. If I have been able to prioritize this within my meagre free time and budget (rather than trips, nights out, restaurants, unnecessary shopping, etc. and with some debt), he can easily do the same. That lifestyle isn’t quite how I imagined my young adulthood would pan out. One Soho Farmhouse weekend of his could pay for a few months. And he’s had months on end since season 3 wrapped filming when he could have done intensive daily therapy, especially after his break up, rather than pursuing 20 year olds online or jetting off to another holiday. Maybe he did- I don’t know his life- but maybe he needs more right now. When he turned on Nicola’s notifications and started liking random posts she was tagged in by brands, I already assumed he had handed over his account. If so, his team should extend that to story posts for Bridgerton news. All of that to say, my empathy has its limits. The barriers currently holding him back have solutions.

Thank you for your response and taking the time to write in an ask. I appreciate you!

I do understand the frustration/disappointment of how Luke is handling some things (especially his social media). It seems like this is an area of his life that could be an easy fix for him (hand it over to someone more capable) and he just can't seem to take that step.

Luke is overwhelmed (as he has stated multiple times) and while I can also say it is the life he chose, I think it could also be a case of not realizing exactly what his industry entails.

It's easy to say that he's the one that chose it, but if he's doing something he loves to do, it was probably worth the risk in the end. Maybe he truly believed he could handle things like this. Hindsight is 20/20.

I am sorry that you weren't able to afford the proper health care and it has taken you so long to get a diagnosis. I hate that things like that are unattainable without money. It should not be the case.

Luke is privileged in that aspect for sure and it sucks when it seems like people take that for granted. Although hopefully, like you have also stated, he has been able to seek the help that he may need. All things like this take time and is also very personal (I don't want to further speculate on that matter).

I always strive to look at situations empathetically (and sometimes even to a fault). I always like to look at and come up with multiple reasons why someone may be doing what they are doing. This has let me see some situations in a different light, allowing me to be empathetic or sympathetic to situations. I know that with most situations it is never the case of being black and white (life is nuanced, people are nuanced). So many things can be at play at one time, and most of the time I can see valid reasons why someone is doing what they are doing (even when they are making bad choices).

Obviously I don't know what is going on with Luke at the moment, or where his head is truly at. But I have faith that he will come around and straighten himself out. I don't think he has done anything that is completely unforgivable, so I'm giving him a little bit of grace.

[jbaileyfansite]

Jonathan Bailey and Matt Bomer's Interview for WMagazine (2023)

Warning: Spoilers for Fellow Travelers ahead.

Matt Bomer and Jonathan Bailey had a feeling their characters’ sexual escapades in Fellow Travelers would ignite a social media firestorm. But apart from some in-person encounters with fans who watched the Showtime limited series, both actors claim they’ve avoided going down a rabbit hole of reactions to their performances.

“The first week of just seeing a GIF of a toe was kind of alarming,” Bailey says in a joint interview with Bomer. “But when you’re doing a scene like that, you know what function it serves—not just in the story, but in the selling of a TV series. I call it the Trojan toe: You slip it in, get people watching, and by the time they get to [that moment], they’ll understand exactly what the show’s setting out to explore.”

Adapted from Thomas Mallon’s 2007 novel, Fellow Travelers chronicles the clandestine romance between Hawkins Fuller (Bomer), a debonair State Department employee, and Tim Laughlin (Bailey), a wide-eyed college graduate, who fall in love at the height of McCarthyism and the Lavender Scare in 1950s Washington D.C. As they weave in and out of each other’s lives across multiple decades, Hawk and Tim’s enduring relationship hurtles toward a devastating conclusion in the 1980s. Following Tim’s terminal AIDS diagnosis, Hawk visits his lover—whom he has nicknamed “Skippy”—one last time in San Francisco, where they both come to terms with the significance of their volatile romance.

“A lot of people feel seen—not just by the sex scenes, but by aspects of queer identity on the show,” Bomer says. “That’s the hope, right? That whatever you’re pouring your heart and soul into resonates with somebody or makes them feel seen.”

On a recent visit to New York City, Bailey and Bomer were affable and laid-back—a far cry from the brooding, tortured characters that have defined their respective careers. Bouncing ideas off each other, the charming costars spoke with W about their approach to telling their characters’ epic love story, the surreal experience of shooting their final scene together, and what to expect from Maestro and the next season of Bridgerton.

Why does Hawk and Tim’s connection make them question everything they thought they knew about themselves?

Jonathan Bailey: You will never really know what Hawk and Tim would’ve been like [as a full-fledged couple]. You can’t judge them on anything, because there’s a survival element at play, which reflects the brutality of the world they were born into. As [the show] expands and this liberation blooms, we see more of [Hawk’s wife] Lucy [played by Allison Williams] and the impact of Hawk’s decisions on the characters around him.

To me, it’s a love story for the ages because you can follow any thread and it comes back to the political backdrop. But ultimately, there’s a real meeting of souls between the two. They complete each other in a way that’s so painful. But in a world where joy, connection and absolution are so hard to find, especially in the ’50s for gay men, it becomes addictive, and there are toxic cycles that come from it.

Matt Bomer: There are aspects of their own personal trauma that are complementary of each other.

JB: And they feed the other’s insecurities.

MB: The sad thing is, when Hawk is finally at a place where he can be his most authentic self and be available and empathetic enough to be a real partner in a relationship, it’s too late.

Hawk has a very specific moral code as a gay man living a double life in the 20th century: He is clearly able to show genuine affection for Tim, but he needs control in his relationships and is able to code-switch in public. Tim doesn’t understand Hawk’s ability to compartmentalize his life, but he still finds Hawk irresistible. How did you want to embody the many contradictions of your characters?

MB: For me, it all went back to Hawk’s childhood and that horrific incident that happened with his father [and his first love, Kenny]. He refuses to be a victim, so he’s going to find a way to survive and thrive in whatever way he can. It all ties into the fact that he will never be the victim of a homophobic society or family again.

JB: What Tim’s really drawn to in Hawk is his center. Hawk is the epicenter of all these people’s worlds because he doesn’t afford them space to veer him off in any direction. Tim’s always there for Hawk when he needs him, but Hawk’s never really there for Tim, and that is something Tim is drawn to. Tim’s quest in life is his desperate need for a groundedness, and the choice I made early on was to physicalize Tim so that his inner and outer world were matched.

Tim finds it really hard to lie; he can’t not be completely transparent. The decoding of Hawk is something that fills all sorts of needs in Tim. But as he gets older and [society’s] way of thinking aligns with his need to disassemble the cards he’s been given, Tim finds a stillness and a calm, which is reflected in the way he can then handle Hawk.

MB: Hawk does have his allegiances and his own sense of empathy, but if it comes down to anything that’s going to threaten his survival, he can go full Scorpio and cut it off. [He’s] a little Mother Teresa, a little Tony Soprano. [Laughs.]

JB: And in the performing of [those scenes], Tim felt so much more love than I thought he would. In episode two, I think it became more confusing to play Tim in the best possible way, because when he says, “I don’t understand you” [to Hawk], it’s because he can see the palpable empathy, love, and compassion. That is just as real as everything else, and that is a bind for Tim and really hard to step away from. When they look at each other, there’s no one else that’s ever existed. And if you’re lucky enough to have that with someone, it’s really hard to let that go.

There are little details that anchor each of Hawk and Tim’s sex scenes—the eye contact, the importance of consent, the shifting power dynamics, the negotiation of how much of yourself you’re willing to give to another person. How did you want to subvert traditional depictions of queer intimacy?

MB: We were so fortunate that those scenes were just an extension of the story, that the relationship was never the same after one of those scenes as it was before. It was always an externalization of what was going on with the characters internally.

JB: I think it’s a rule that [creator] Ron [Nyswaner] learned on Homeland where every single scene has to further the story—and that’s true of the sex scenes. Because there haven’t necessarily been elevated, eight-hourlong gay dramas like this; there was space to breathe, and that constant negotiation between the two of them is so vital. I remember speaking to [executive producer/director] Dan Minahan in Toronto. We had a good few hours, and we ended up talking about intimacy and how you can capture it on film. The thing that I understand [from] enjoying love stories or intimacy on film is the moments where they surprise each other.

MB: Yeah! It’s not like Hawk’s pushing the envelope the whole time; Tim upends Hawk as much as Hawk upends Tim’s expectations.

JB: We basically started with the chicken soup [scene in episode one], when Hawk seduces Tim for the first time. By the time we were in episode four, we were really emboldened as a team. As Jonny and Matt, we were always whispering, “This is absolutely fine, if you want to do this.” For so many people, it’s bizarre to think of that as a job. But when the material is as rich as this, no stone will go unturned into [depicting] how intricate, sensitive, celebratory, and joyful those moments are.

MB: I believe everybody should get to play every role, but I think the fact that we’re both openly gay men lent an ease and an understanding of a lot of the aspects of the relationship.

JB: You can have conversations between yourselves of why your instincts are cropping up in those moments. It was a bit like when, just before they dive, synchronized divers do that thing where they jump up and clap.

MB: [Laughs.] That was us! And there’s no [going] halfway in scenes like those that are written in this [show]. You know you have to go all the way.

Knowing that the entire emotional weight of their relationship rests on the penultimate line, “Promise you won’t write,” what did you want to convey in Hawk and Tim’s final scene together outside the governor’s ball? What do you remember from shooting their goodbye scene?

MB: I remember everything about that day.

JB: Yeah, I do too. Everything was in hyper-focus. It was overwhelming.

MB: It’s one of those scenes that you’re really glad you didn’t have to shoot on day two, because we had five and a half months of history [with] these characters. It was one of the last things we filmed together.

JB: I left [Toronto] early as well [to shoot Bridgerton], so we didn’t finish [shooting] together. We finished the love story in that scene.

MB: Yes, that’s right. It was one of those days at work where you have to try to get out of your own way and trust that all you’ve invested in these roles and these relationships will be inside of you. You don’t have to try to force or push anything; you have to just try to keep it alive and spontaneous when the cameras are rolling.

JB: I think we filmed it in the first take, didn’t we?

MB: Yeah.

JB: There are moments in that scene when it was like the world melted away. It’s amazing to see Tim establish his boundaries and be really kind with it. In that moment, he’s fully centered and aligned, and Hawk helps give him that final push to go, “I know what I’m doing, and what I’m saying is the right thing.” He’s never really known that with Hawk.

MB: Yeah, Hawk is finally emotionally vulnerable. I had every intention of coming into that scene and not letting any emotional vulnerability creep through, but it’s just one of those things where the scene takes over and you don’t want to block it.

Have either of you given much thought to what a second season of Fellow Travelers could look like?

JB: What I hope this [season] will be is a trampette into telling other queer stories, because two white gay men are the way in [to start a larger conversation], and it would be so interesting to have a world explored of [Jelani Alladin’s] Marcus and [Noah J. Ricketts’] Frankie. They were such a massive reason why I was like, “Okay, this is going to be good.”

MB: They weren’t in the book, and it was so important from the creatives that we included that narrative.

JB: I would totally come back and support Frankie’s story.

MB: Yeah, I would come in and do two days—whatever they need me for.

JB: Frankie and Marcus up front, and I’ll be there.

Surely, we all deserve to have the two of you star in a rom-com together (with a happier ending than this one).

JB: If someone comes up with it... Who would be the dream?

MB: To direct?

JB: Yeah. Luca Guadagnino?

MB: Yes, Luca or Andrew Haigh.

JB: We’ll do it!

MB: We’re there. And Russell T. Davies, if it’s a miniseries.

Have you discussed collaborating again in the future?

MB: Listen, sign me up to work with Jonathan Bailey any time. [They shake hands.] I will bring a tray to his character at the dinner table in a scene.

JB: Stop it. As long as it’s [like] Upstairs, Downstairs…

MB: [Laughs.] Yes, exactly. I would love that. Next time, I have to be British though. And I’ll come to London.

JB: I’ll be a Texan cowboy. [They laugh.]

In addition to Fellow Travelers, you both have new projects that will be debuting in the coming months. Matt, what were some of your takeaways from working with Bradley Cooper on Maestro?

MB: Bradley is such a generous and beyond talented scene partner—and his style of directing is so electric and present. He wants everything happening on the camera for the first time. I feel like I was really the beneficiary of his process before I started work on Fellow Travelers because I got to watch him and Carey [Mulligan] travel through all these phases of their multidecade romance. And then, [I was] getting to work with Johnny—who’s so similar in many regards, so generous, always keeping you on your toes and bringing things to the material that make the scene richer.

JB: Has Bradley watched Fellow Travelers?

MB: I keep telling him to! And Carey says she wants to. She keeps asking me where it’s on in England.

The third season of Bridgerton will premiere in two parts on May 16 and June 13, 2024. Jonathan, what new layers of Kate (Simone Ashley) and Anthony’s relationship will we see in the new season?

JB: I’m a massive fan of “Kanthony.” There’s so much to enjoy for both of them now, and we explore that in season three. They’ve overcome a lot. [We’re] talking about the need for communication in a romance, and that study of how they communicate and how little they did communicate until the very end [of season two]. So now, we can see them completely celebrate each other for who they are. There are really lovely conversations about heritage and familial roles, and once you meet someone who understands you fully, having sacrificed so much for the families as they both have, how exciting [it is] to make decisions that might change the course for them [as a couple].

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