#and i am not terribly broken up about that
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Atonement
Hello fellow Solavellan sufferers!!! I've written a little fic about what I imagine goes down between Solas and Lavellan once the game is over. I'll have you know I listened to the Lost Elf Theme on repeat while writing it, if that tells you anything. Anyway, read below the cut or on AO3 here!
SFW, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Words: 2,821
! HUGE VEILGUARD SPOILERS !
When she stepped into the Fade, hand in hand with her love, Sulah had no preconceived notion of what to expect on the other side, nor did she spend a moment speculating about what it could possibly be. She was with Solas, after all, and there was no use in trying to predict his actions. It was funny, reallyāhow she found him predictable and surprising all in the same. No, there was little use trying to guess where in the Fade he would lead them. Nonetheless, she wasn't sure she would have ever expectedĀ this.
The pocket of the Fade they walked into was dull and gray as stone. In fact, most of itĀ wasĀ stone. Fragments of buildings and debris floated slowly through the foggy sky above. Tendrils of winding roots grew up through cracks in the stone. There were staircases that seemed to lead to nowhere, and twisted, barren trees clinging to broken columns and walls. The air was so still it felt stifling in Sulahās lungs. And Solas, downtrodden and bruised, looked like he belonged there. Like he was part of the backdrop. As if he could hear her thoughts, he spoke.
āIt is a reflection of what I am. What I don't want to be.ā He paused, dropping his head. āWhat I don't want to face.ā
āThis is how you atone?ā
āI told you it would be terrible.ā
āAnd I told you forever.ā Sulah turned to him, heart aching for the bloodied mess of his face. āI meant it.ā
Solas lifted his head enough to look at her through glassy, violet eyes. āI donāt deserve you, vhenan.ā
āI think thatās up to me,ā she said, wiping away a stray tear on his cheek. āLetās talk, my love. Before you start making your amends.ā
They sat with their backs against a nearby stone wall. Solasās eyes alternated between being heavy with sleep and haunting despair. He looked so much older than she remembered himānot physically, really, but in the way he seemed to be held down with millennia of burden. On the other hand, he had the heartbreaking demeanor of a child unable to emotionally grasp the multitude of his feelings.
āI donāt knowā¦ where to start,ā he breathed. With one look at her, a hint of hope glimmered amongst the sadness in his eyes. āI have missed you. Desperately so.ā
āIāve missed you, too.ā Sulahās voice cracked as she spoke, a stream of tears steadily falling down her cheeks. She brushed them away and smiled sadly. āSo letās start there, shall we?ā
His kiss tasted of salt and metal. She didnāt care about the wounds on his face or the small gash on his lip still swelling with blood. It had been a decade since she tasted him, touched him, spoke to him. Even though she knew he visited in her dreams, he never made contactāonly watched, a dark figure in the distance. How she longed to reach out for him every time, to pull him close and find solace in his arms like she used to. Sulah crawled in front of him, her knees aching as they pressed into the cold stone, and wrapped her arms around his neck. After a brief hesitation, Solas rested his hands on her waist, his touch timid at first, like he was afraid of doing something wrong. But his touch grew more confident by the second, and soon his arms were wrapped around her so tight she could barely breathe. It felt as if a missing piece of her heart had been restored, held in place by molten gold.
āI donāt know that I can possibly tell you all of it. Perhaps I couldā¦ show you, instead.ā With a single thought, Solas willed into the Fade a blue crystal statuette of a wolf, not unlike the one Sulah found when his ritual failed. He held it, concentrated on it, and its core radiated bright blue magic. He held the figure out to her. As Sulah took it from him, their destitute surroundings swirled and dissolved, leaving her in front of a young Solas. His face was not quite so worn with pain and exhaustion like the one she knew. Long, auburn hair cascaded down the center of his head, falling over his shoulder as he turned to face the other elf in front of him.
āSolas, how could you?āĀ the other elf asked. His skin was tan, his hair was dark, and his face was marked with Mythalās branching vallaslin. The same branches that Sulah had tattooed underneath her eyes.
āI do not expect you to understand, Felassan,āĀ Solas said, standing tall and proud as ever.Ā āIt was necessary for the enemy to believe we were committed. A heavy sacrifice, but one that gave us a real chance to end the war.ā
āYou knowingly sent those spirits to their deaths!āĀ Felassan shouted.Ā āWeāre supposed to be better than this.ā
Felassan spoke to Solas with the intimacy and confidence of a close friend, unafraid to confront his wrongdoings. Sulah could make out a hint of remorse in Solasās eyes before his face hardened into a scowl.
āI did what had to be done.ā
The scene dissipated. Ruins were replaced with the glorious landscape of ancient Arlathan, sprawling greenery among grand, floating palaces. Solas argued with an elven woman who Sulah now recognized as Mythal. She was identical to the spirit fragment she had seen before stepping into the Fade with Solas, only solid and real. The words they spoke were jumbled, as if Solas couldnāt remember the exact things said when he transferred the memory to the statue, but Sulah knew what they were discussing all the same: the Blight. Solas protested, pleaded with Mythal, before finally giving in to her demands.
āI will follow you always,āĀ he said. Sulah had never heard him sound so defeated. A distinct and overwhelming sense of shame settled over her as the scene faded.
The memories continued like this, one after the other, each one brief but enough to show her the actions that haunted him. And enough to leave her with thousands of questions. She saw his regrets from centuries agoāmemories of Mythal, Elgernāan, Ghilanānain, the other Evanuris. She saw him destroy the legacy of the titans, and the corruption that introduced the Blight to the world. She saw his sorrow at the creation of the Veil, the loss of the world he knew, the unbreakable tether he had to Mythal, similar to a commandeering mother and a child eager to please her, desperate for her approval. She saw his plans to give Corypheus the orb go awry, the conflict raging inside of him as he fell in love with Sulah, the way he almost told her the truth that night in Crestwood. She felt the guilt he carried afterwardsāthat he still carried. She saw him devise his devious plan to mold Rook into someone the prison would take in his place. His betrayal and desperation.
She saw the despair in his eyes when he killed Varric.
Sulah stood on the raised platform where Solas orchestrated his ritual, watching as Varric climbed the stairs in an attempt to stop his friend. Even in a memory, the air was charged with powerful magic, culminating in a swirling wind that blew her hair into her face, obscuring her view. She could only make out fragments of the argument.
āYou need to listenāā
āYou have come a long way and made a valiant effort, Varricāā
āāable to give me a straight answerāā
āārather than admit this is mine to solveāā
āāwho are you trying to convince here? Me or yourself?ā
Varricās last statement stung like a knife. His words echoed as time slowed. Sulah felt the heavy burden of self doubt imbued in Solasās memory as the two men locked eyes, their argument hanging in the air between them. In a chaotic flash, several things happened: Solas turned to continue the ritual, Varric attempted to pry the lyrium dagger from Solasās hands, and the monuments of the Evanuris surrounding the ritual site began to fall. Somewhere in the chaos, while wrenching the dagger back from Varricās grasp, the blade pierced through his chest. The sound of ripping flesh. The gasp from Varricās mouth.
āNO!ā Sulah shouted. Time had slowed, and she rushed to catch him as he stumbled, forgetting that it was no use. Her arms moved through him like a ghost.
Solas watched his friend fall to the bottom of the stairs, regret bubbling up inside of him at what heād done. And still, the sense of doubt from Varricās words lingered, sullying Solasās certainty as innocent blood seeped through the fabric of his gloves.
He steeled himself with cold resolve and turned away.
The gray of the Fade prison came back into view. Sulah felt like she had been in Solasās memories for hours, but neither her body nor his had moved from the ground against the wall. He watched her with bated breath, his jaw clenched, eyes glossy with fresh tears. Moments ago, she watched him command a rebellion, steadfast and resolute and proud. A powerful god among mortals. But the Solas in front of her now held little of the immense ancient spirit sheād seen. He was only a man, broken from the weight of his regrets.
āI cannot ask for your forgiveness, vhenan. Not even your understanding.ā His voice broke, his next words spoken through a sob. āI am so sorry that I let you fall in love with a monster.ā
Solas hugged his knees to his chest. His hands shook and his body trembled as he cried. It was pure, raw, searing emotionāand it was the first time she had ever seen him lose control of himself. Sulah had been lonely for years, yearning for the man who felt like home while sleeping cold in an empty bed, but sheād never felt as alone as she felt now, sitting in the vast emptiness of the Fade with a god shedding centuriesā worth of repressed agony that she could never possibly comprehend.Ā HeĀ was the one who always seemed to know what to do, who had a plan for everything.Ā HeĀ was the one more familiar with the Fade than the waking world. But he was also the one who had to face his regrets. His pain. And he had already proven that he couldnāt do that on his own.
āSolas,ā she said, quiet and sad. āYou killed Varric.ā
āIām sorry,ā he choked through tears.
āIā¦ I knew he was gone, but no oneā¦ā she trailed off, thinking back to the letter she received from Morrigan shortly after she met Rook and the others.Ā Varric was gravely injured in an altercation. He did not make it. I am sorry you have to find out this way.Ā āNo one told me it was by your hand.ā
āThey were protecting you,ā he said. āFrom the truth of what I am. Perhaps they shouldnāt have done so.ā
Sulah sat in silence, trying to piece it all together in her mind.
āI never meant to hurt Varric,ā Solas whispered. āI have harmed so many people, innocent people, and Varricā¦ Varricā¦.ā
He stopped speaking and rested his forehead on his knees, letting the tears fall on his armor.
āMy loveāā
āHow can you possibly still love me, Sulah?ā he snapped, a wolf showing his fangs. āI deserve whatever cruel fate awaits me here. You do not.ā
āSolasāā
āWould you trulyāā
āLet me speak,ā she said, stern and commanding. HerĀ InquisitorĀ voice, the other members liked to call it. It worked. Solas nodded for her to continue. āTo heal from your past, you have to confront it. It will be painful, but you must. Tell me about Varric.ā
Solas sighed and let his head fall back to the wall, the apex of his throat bobbing as he swallowed.
āVarric was a good man. He was my friend.ā He closed his eyes and Sulah watched as a single tear ran down his bloodied face. She tried to hold back her own tears, but they streamed warm down her cheeks nonetheless.
āWhat would you say to him if he were here?ā
āThat it is one of my greatest regrets, one that I desperately wish I could take back. That I enjoyed his company on our journey years ago, and that I have missed him in the years since. And that I am terribly, terribly sorry.ā
Like a prayer, the final words escaped Solasās mouth in a despondent whisper. In the distance, a structure resembling the skyline of Kirkwall crumbled. Sulah recognized it from her visit several years ago. She had only made it to Kirkwall once in the time that Varric was viscount, a position he reluctantly accepted, but one that she always suspected he secretly enjoyed. He took her to the cliffs of Sundermount, where Dalish sometimes set up camp. It looked remarkably like the area of the Free Marches her clan frequented before she left.
āI thought it might remind you of homeā, he had said.
āI came here to see* your *home, Varric.ā
āWeāre doing that too.ā he pointed across the water to the silhouetted, square buildings.
She smiled at the memory and let herself cry as the Kirkwall replica became an avalanche of stone plummeting into the abyss. When its final, broken pieces fell, Solas turned back to her and took a long breath. She looked at him, attempting to reconcile the Solas she knew and loved, the Solas in front of her now, with the Solas she saw in his memories. There was a cruel pride deep inside of him, one he tried to keep from her for so long. She could see it now, and it was fractured.
How could she possibly come to terms with all he had done? He had taken Varric away from this world, a man who, despite his faults, brought hope and friendship and humor into the world around him. She could feel the empty, aching shells of all the hearts who missed himāincluding her own. There were more adventures to be had, more books to be written, and Solas took it away. Away from Varric, away from the world. Sulah couldnāt bring herself to consider the even larger things he had done. The man she loved was responsible for the Blight. He tranquilized the Titans. He murdered his friendsāsometimes on accident, sometimes for what he considered betrayal.
Sulah steadied her breathing and closed her eyes, focusing on the rhythm of the air flowing in and out of her lungs. She let the world fall away until she could feel nothing but the essence of her soul spreading into her limbs, making her weightless. If Solas was a spirit of wisdom, what was she, deep down? A word stirred somewhere in the depths of her heart:Ā patience.
āThis is going to take a long time, vhenan.ā Solasās words roused her from contemplation.
āYes,ā she said. āFor both of us, I think.ā
For the first time since reuniting, he touched her of his own accord, studying her prosthetic arm with gentle fingers before resting his hand on her thigh beside it.
āItās a good thing time doesnāt exist in the Fade, then.ā Sulah placed her remaining hand on top of his. āTo answer your earlier question, I choose to still love you despite your mistakes, Solas. I love you because I tried to move on, to meet other people, but none of them could touch whatever piece of my soul that you do. Every person I tried to give my heart to was a flimsy bandage over a gaping wound. And I had to reconcile with myself that I love someone who would tear the world apart for his own stubborn pride. I know your heart, Solas. You are more than your mistakes.ā
Sulah felt as if a small part of the rift between them had stitched itself back together; a fragile scar translucent and deep, but healing nonetheless. For a moment, the insurmountable hurdles she would have to help him overcome fell away. It was just the two of them, together in the Fade like all those years ago. She knew how the world would see them: the lovestruck Inquisitor and the Dread Wolf. The cautionary tale of a Dalish girl who fell right into the jaws of FenāHarel himself.
āSulah,ā Solas reached for her face with both hands, holding her like he had to be sure she wasnāt a mere reflection of his desire. āAs long as you will have me, I swear to you: I will never abandon you again. You will have me, always.ā
His kiss was soft, but charged with intention. Devotion. As they broke apart, he pulled Sulah into his arms, resting his cheek on the top of her head.
āAr lath ma vhenan. Bellanaris.ā
#dragon age#dragon age fic#dragon age the veilguard#dragon age the veilguard fic#dragon age the veilguard spoilers#datv#datv spoilers#datv fic#solas#solas spoilers#solas fic#solavellan#solavellan spoilers#da fic#my writing
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Merz Prinzessin vs. Dutch Lion (series)
Part 3: Truth hurts, distractions help
Warnings: mentions of sex, swearing, Lando x Aria
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Max knew that he fucked up, as soon as he opened his eyes to Kelly screaming at him, waving his unlocked phone in her hand, tears falling rapidly from her eyes.
He sat up quickly, momentarily forgetting his pounding headache.
"Baby, woah, wait, slow down. I don't get it." He tried to grab her hand, but she pushed him away, showing his phone in his hands instead. Then she turned around and started rapidly packing her things into a suitcase.
He sat still, frozen, staring at his phone screen, not even trying to stop her.
"..Max...it's Aria."
"I fucked her so good, imagining you underneath me instead."
seen.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. What did he do last night? He sent those. He actually sent them. Aria read them. Kelly now also read them.
He threw his phone on the bed, turning to Kelly again, his face pale.
"Kelly, I...I didn't...it didn't mean...she..."
Words were stuck in the back of his throat, refusing to come out. He knew it was already done and gone, no matter what he tried to say or how he tried to reason. She turned around to face him, her eyes puffy and red, her expression completely broken. He winced.
"Why, Max? Why? And with her, of all people? Did I really mean so little to you after all these years? Did P mean nothing to you?"
He opened his mouth again to stop her, to beg for forgiveness and say how much of an idiot he is and that he does love her, but she raised her hand.
"Save it, Max. Save it for her. Don't you ever try to contact me again. We're done. I'm done with you."
Her suitcase already zipped up, the only thing visible to him was her back as she left the room, one last time.
He sat back on the bed, his throbbing headache and hangover now long forgotten.
He needed to see Aria.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aria woke up, rolling over in her comfortable pillows, when someone began knockingāno, rather, poundingāon her door. The fuck? She groaned.
"I swear, it is way too early for this shit." She mumbled under her breath, sleepily padding to the door. She swung them open, a scowl on her face, not even looking up to see who disturbed her beauty sleep.
"What the fuck could be so important, to be knocking my verdammte door down in the, -Max?!" Her eyes snapped up to his stormy ones in surprise.
He didn't say a word as he stepped beside her and entered the room, pacing around.
"Oh, please, do come in." She waved sarcastically.
"Good morning, Aria. Did you sleep well? Yeah, great, thanks for NOT asking." She turned to him and closed the door.
He was still silent. She looked him up and down. He looked terrible: mismatched clothes, bloodshot eyes, messy hair, and a terribly pale face.
He kept looking at her, his hands shaking at his sides.
Something was wrong.
"Max, are you okay? What are you even doing here so early?"
"Aria, I'm so sorry. For what I wrote. I really am. I was drunk and..I fucked up, really bad. Kelly saw those messages this morning. She left." He sat on the stool, putting his head in his hands.
Flashbacks of last night hit her all at once.
Shit.
She shuffled from the door and sat on the bed, facing him.
"Look, Max, for what it's worth, I'm sorry about your...relationship. But shouldn't you be going after Kelly instead? Why are you even here when you could have texted me your apology?"
His head snapped up, all his pent up anger coming to the surface. Last thread snapped.
"You're sorry? You're sorry?! You brought this upon me. You did this. I was happy and content with what i had! She kept looking at him pasively. "Everything is a fucking game to you, isn't it? All those teasings, flirting..what was your goal? To ruin me? My relationship? Well, congratulations. Job well fucking done, Aria."
She stood up calmly, looking up into his eyes.
"You ruined your relationship Max. Not me. You were the one fantasizing about other woman, all while fucking yours. " His hand reached out, wrapping around her throat instantly, forcefully slamming her down on the bed. He was fumming.
She laughed, straight at his face.
His hand was tight on her throat, making it hard to breath, but she still managed to keep talking.
"See? Even when...you hate me, you still want...me.." her laugh came out as a cough, eyes shining, challenging him silently.
"So go on Maxie. Kill me..or kiss me. We both know..what it will be." he pulled away from her instantly. She laughed again, coughing slightly, rubbing on her neck.
"See? You're way more fucked up than you think, Max. You did this to yourself. Not me. " she sat up, putting her hand on his cheek, moving his head to face her.
His expression was stoic, but his mind..
He wanted to push her away, to yell again and blame her for everything. At the same time, he wanted to kiss her until her lips bruised, until her moans were the only sound filling out this damned room. He knew it was his fault. He let her play this game, thinking he can win, until she crawled under his skin and changed everything.
She was still starring at him, those green eyes looking through all of his carefully zipped up layers, peeling him bare before her. Her soft hand was warm against his cold cheek, what made him involonterily lean more into her touch. What did you do to me Aria? He didn' realise he said it ouldloud, until she answered. His eyes snapped up to hers.
"I didn't do anything Max. You just fell for me, like everyone else does."
Her words were sweet, but cocky, slapping him like a cold shower. He quickly pulled away from her, standing up from bed, peacefull moment now long gone.
"This," he pointed between them with his finger, "whatever it is, stops now. I'm done playing with you."
He turned around, ready to leave, to go and try to contact Kelly, to save the remains of what was ruined. Her voice stopped him at the door, hand already on the handle.
"You can run Max. It won't change the truth. You want me. And you hate that you can't change it. " his grip on the handle thightened, his fingers turning white.
"So whether you like or not, I'll win next week. And I'll make you good deal on that bet of ours. In the meantime, viel GlĆ¼ck."
He opened the door and stepped out, not turning back, letting them slam behind him. She let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding. He did the same on the other side.
---------------
Aria got dressed, deciding to go downstairs to breakfast. After all that happened, she needed some energy back.
She was sipping on her coffee, when someone pulled the chair beside her. She looked up, smiling Lando starring back at her.
"Morning Aria! Mind if I join you?" His dimples even more visible, no traces of his hangover visible.
She traced her eyes across his body, his hoodie and instantly thought about Max's mismatched outfit this morning when he stormed in her room.
"Morning Lan. Of course, take a seat." She smiled. Maybe she needed a distraction at the moment. She knew that Brit before her was more than happy to provide it. And he was sure to brag about it later, to whom of course if not his dear friend Max. Sweet smile turned to smirk. Lando shuffled in his chair, turning to face her.
"Listen Ari, I'm sorry for last night. I was really drunk and kinda needy.." he laughed, before she interupted him. "Oh, kinda needy? Not begging at my door?" She teased him.
"Well, you did leave me with a boner..and that combined with alcohol, yeah..hah." he smiled again, light blush appearing on his cheeks.
Her finger landed on his lips. He looked down at her, like deer caught in headlights, gulping.
"It's okay Lan.. I'm aware of the effect i have on you." her voice dropping down, finger brushing across his lips, before she continued. "I didn't want you drunk. That's all."
Lando gulped again. So, she wanted him..now??
"Ari, I-"
"Shh..let's finish our breakfast. Then we can move to tge dessert." She smirked again, before pulling away and continuing where she stopped.
Lando was done. His mouth snapped shut, he tried to pull his hoodie down more, to hide the semi hard on he was currently sporting, thanks to the little minx beside him, who was peacefully eating.
Few minutes passed in comfortable silence, nbefore he felt her hand on his right thigh, massaging the place slowly. He almost choked on his smoothie, trying to wiggle away. Her hand was steady and she hardened her grip on his leg.
"So..i'm done Lan. Care to join me upstairs?" She didn't even need to ask, he was already up and behind her, following her through the lobby like a horny puppy.
She smiled to herself. Let the games begin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lando dropped beside her, panting hard, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead.
"Baby, that was...wow. I...bloody hell." he chuckled, trying to pull her to his side. She swatted his hand away, standing up and putting her clothes back on.
"You can go ahead and shower before you leave, Liebchen. I have some errands to run." Lando's smile fell.
"You're leaving already?" She turned to him, smiling sweetly.
"Lan, honey. I have to; I have things to do. It was good sex, but there won't be anything more than that. You know that."
"Yeah..." he mumbled.
"Good! Thank you for understanding. Please take your time, Iām coming back later this evening. See you around, handsome.ā And with a kiss to his lips, she was gone.
Go on, Lan, text your friend and brag about it, she thought, smirking to herself as she stepped out.
In the meantime, Max was sitting in his room, desperately trying to get ahold of Kelly, but with no success.
His whole life turned upside down in one fucking day. But it has been long coming.
His phone pinged, Lando texting him.
"Mate you wont believe the shit that just happened."
Max scoffed, not in the mood, but answered nonetheless.
"What happened mate?"
"So, you know how Aria was all over me last night? Well, she didn't let me in the room at the end." Max smiled.
"But then I saw her getting breakfast this morning, and she practically pulled me to her room afterward."
Max froze, his phone slipping from his hand. Aria slept with Lando, right after he left?
He left him on read, standing up, and pouring himself a glass of whiskey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One empty bottle later, Max was back to repeating last night's mistakes.
His hands worked faster than his drunken mind, and he was pressing send before he even registered it.
"You think that kid can fuck you the way you need it? You have no idea."
Reply came almost instantly. Like she was waiting for it, knowing he would do it. Like a viper preying on her next victim. He cursed.
"You seem to be tough only when you're drunk, Maxie. Oh and btw, i didn't need to imagine anyone else to be able to cum. Unlike you."
Max smashed the glass against the wall. Fucking hell.
Why does she keep doing this?
He texted her again.
"Hilton, Room 603. I can show you better. Way better than that kid."
Seen. Of course she didnt answer. Nor did she come over. He was stupid to even think so.
Reply though, came eventually, a couple of hours later, with a photo attached.
Max was fast asleep when the phone lit up the dark room. Squinting and opening the chat, his heart dropped.
Her sweet smile was the first thing he noticed. It wasn't flirty, it wasn't teasing, and it most definitely wasn't the smirk she usually served him. In the nape of her neck, cuddled into her shoulder, was a mop of messy brown curls, sleeping peacefully, a faint smile visible from the side of his face.
"And so the coward claimed he was The Lion. Sleep well, Max. I sure will."
She wasn't his. She wasn't even his friend. Most of the time, they were able to tolerate or tease each other. So why did it hurt this much then, seeing Lando beside her?
They didn't talk the next day nor the rest of the week. They avoided each other like the plague at media day, just like Friday and Saturday afterward. Race day kept the same rhythm until she parked in the Parc FermƩ in front of No. 1, celebrating her first win of the season.
#imagine max verstappen#max verstappen#mv1 x reader#f1 x reader#max verstappen fanfic#f1 fanfic#max verstappen smut#mv1
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GONNA THROW UP GINNA HAVE A OANIC ATTACK GONNA COMBUST
#personal#i got a job offer#and for what it is the money woulld genuinely be really helpful#i would have to put in my two weks at [redacted]#and i am not terribly broken up about that#but i feel bad feel anxious#and more distressingly - itās a cobtract that goes until november#but iāve been applying to gard school#and wonāt hear back until. march or april or even may#and if i got in i would start august and wouldnāt be able to do both#bc itās full time#until november#i texted her explaining this and asked if there was any flexibility with the end dated but i doubt it#and if thereās not then i have to say no#but if i say no and then get into none of the schools im going to fuckinv hate myself#tbc - i did not apply for this knowing all the conflicts lmao#i didnāt apply at all#a supervisor with a company iāve worked with a couple of times rrached out and said she thought the role would be good for me
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By the skin of your teeth (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#DAX#ZEX#Pyramid Head#The Captain#Blood#The cuts themselves are just black and white because I'm controlling myself lol - clearly not That much with the rest but hey!#Still it is a very nasty cut for how nonchalantly I've drawn them all haha - ZEX's back too he's just facing forward#I also momentarily forgot that he was in his uniform it's fine don't worry about it lol#All these speculations on where and how about the injuries and then just - What Uniform That I Am Enamoured By? Haha#I've done the same thing with DAX I keep forgetting about his poor ankle and then it comes up and I'm like ''Oh yeah haha I knew that''#How are some details so sticky and others so smoke-like! Some stay in my brain and others - pffbtl how silly#All the same it's still the Funnest Fun <3#There's something so Extra delightful to have Seen a setpiece - an object - an idea - and then get to interact with it <3 <3#Hitting Pyramid Head with Zelnick's frying pan! Forget PH I can't believe we had the budget for the skillet's appearance fee āŖā« Hehehe#No but honestly Pyramid Head was incredible āØ Wonderfully scary and distressing and tense and full of fallout! Terrible things!! āŖā«#I've never drawn him before so it was interesting! :0 His appearance in SH2 looks all squished#Like his belly is jutting out across from a broken spine! Quite spooky#I don't think I fully managed to capture that - kinda just looks like his hip bones are very prominent hehe - but maybe some other time :)#I hope they don't run into him again - for their sake tho haha āŖ#DAX continually pulling ZEX behind him to try and protect him (and failing) was something I really Had to put to paper <3#As well as snuggles!! Even before they got Really hurt I was like Oh everyone needs hugs so bad :'0 And they do!! They need so many hugs!#Maybe especially Zelnick poor Captain :'0 Give this boy a break#The injuries are more of a self-guide hehe I'm not sure how accurate they are - they Feel accurate based on handedness et al#I was the least sure for Zelnick since he got tossed (poor thing!) but at least bruises are always fun to draw hehe#The return of my rainbow bruises lol - I only use three colours they're just so vibrant!#DAX trying so~ hard not to be taken in hehe what could these feelings be! Familiarly repressed? No surely not āŖ#Be nice ā«
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#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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i have so many thoughts about gohan and goten its kind of unreal
#and what am i gonna do... write about it? get serious#what can i say i love siblings in media :(#gohan who hardly got a childhood and spent it solely around people twice his age and maturing way faster#than he should have and then his dad dies (again) and he has to take care of his mom and his new baby brother#and he is 10!#and goten who got to experience peace thanks to his mystical legendary warrior of a dad and everyone tells him he looks like him and#how amazing and great he was and all he grows up seeing is the damage done to his family and then BOOM he just. comes back.#and listen i love goku okay im not a goku is a terrible father believer. he loves his family. but hes not a good dad by any means#gohan is trying to grow up while taking care of his mom and making sure his little brother never has to go through anything like he did#and at least goten has trunks! the only same aged friend gohan gets is dende and thats only because#hes off on a space mission at SIX YEARS OLD??? and then he gets his fucking neck broken and almost DIES#i could keep going.
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im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol
#i know i know. and i need to let the anguish motivate me to get out of here. but it feels like i dreamed it all#purrs#chicago#i had a rough time getting out of the hotel and through the airport to my gate and also im bad at math so i fucked up the calculation about#when my flight lands bc of the time zone change and i gave my parents the time in central time not eastern time so my dad was waiting for m#for like a half hour and texting me and i wasnāt answering bc i was still in the air and he was pissed at me and snarky in my texts with hi#and i was sitting there on the plane and could just feel his words ripping into me and the horrors rushing back in and i still havenāt#recovered from it honestly. it wasnāt that big of a deal he just said something that i misunderstood as him saying he was giving up waiting#for me and going home bc id already wasted his time and even though that was not what he actually said it just kinda burrowed into me that#my parents were mad at me and were probably also mad at me for not communicating with them AT ALL the entire time i was in chicago. and it#just was eating me alive. im home now and we havenāt talked about it but they did say things disapproving of the fact that i did a lot of#stuff by myself which i probably shouldnāt have told them. idk. itās not even that bad i just am torn apart by their rejection of me and#utter inability to just like be happy for me without criticizing some part of it or restraining me. plus the house is just as much of a#biohazard as it was when i left and all the broken things are still broken and itās like. a lot. i miss the hotel LOL#i think im just sleep deprived and not in my head right today but i do not want to be here. sinking in quicksand unable to breathe. but i#have to be the one to get me out of it and i should have learned how in chicago but i didnāt it was just a break and now im stuck again#delete later#kind of terrible that instead of being so proud and happy about what i did my immediate reaction is to be miserable that im home now lol
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I've been playing the new cotl update and I generally like it but god do I fucking hate like all of the balance changes just let things be strong man
#rat rambles#like Im ok with the dice relics getting nerfed because they were pretty rediculous before#but making them fragile relics is absolutely terrible and unacceptable#I dont wanna be mean abt it but like time and time again theyve nerfed things way too fucking hard and only some of them get unfucked#like I am not even slightly exaggerating when I say this one change has made all of the dice the worst relics in the game#making them a one time use just completely fucked up the balance of them especially when theres other relics that are also deeply powerful#for getting health And are good damage dealers#it also showcases that they do not understand just how bad most of the fragile relics already are#like genuinely I am baffled by this decision its been making this update so much harder to enjoy#also apparently they massively lowered the level cap which? sucks so fucking bad?#like there's ways to let things be strong without being overpowered#like literally just make it harder to level up followers as they get to the stupid high levels thatd be a much better way to go about it#because lemme tell you its obnoxious to go out of your way to pour that much attention into a follower but rewarding#and for the dice and similarly broken relics just add an extra slow charge speed#you can throw kalamars ear into that pile too along with the bomb one since it's never worth picking up as a fragile relic#like I do genuinely like this new update and what it adds so far its just that the actual yknow gameplay got a smidge bit worse#and since I like the combat in this game any negative changes on it hit much harder than most quality of life stuff#also for the actual new content I do like it but I do hope this is the last big content update at least for a while#I worry abt the game becoming too crowded with mechanics to the point it stops feeling like a coherent game#and to be clear in my personal opinion this update is already bluring the lines of those fronts#again I do genuinely rly like this update it just makes me worry abt the future of this game#I hope if they do make another larger update they focus more on expanding upon already existing mechanics instead of making new ones#like I think sin could rly use more things to do with it#like with how many ways there are to generate it its strange that almost all of the things you do with it are cosmetic#although tbf I havent been dungeoning much today so maybe theres some hidden stuff to use sin for there lol#also one huge thing that Im confused by is the choice to put the sewing building on the first tier of the inspiration tree#cause it uses silk. aka the stuff from the last dungeon most players unlock#I feel like itd be more appropriate to put it as an ofbranch of the housing tree#so basically my review of this update is that its fun and I like the new mechanics but they do feel a bit half baked#and Im not a fan of the balance changes and Im also not a fan of the gun but thats more of a me problem
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whenever i think/talk abt a "you" it's at least 5 different people usually
#ive been thinking about how you separated the star of david into triangles and taught me about the equilibrium about as above so below#are we in equilibrium? ive been thinking about the star of david and the rest in peace beneath it#fuck the fascists and fuck how they took you and fuck how theyll take everyone. am i good at analysis?#it turns out weve all been lying a lot. it turns out the person weve all lied the most to was ourselves.#ive been thinking about your 5 journals and a whole week of crying just to realise our sin. you felt like a nucleus inside a fuzz of#electrons and i felt like the fuzz of electrons. we caught a ribbon and followed it past the point of discomfort#this is how you breathe so that you dont die and this is how you breathe so that you do. on your own terms.#i am going to be a good architect. i am going to be a good engineer. i am going to be a good neuroscientist. i am going to be good.#i reserve the label for being a let-go-of-labels person. i am going to be the one who lets go of identifiers#and make it my identity. how do you achieve constant bliss? separate the nucleus and the fuzz.#suffering from the impact of the self and the self-imageŲ you told me about the bliss of separation.#okay. let them hate the cloud. youre inside of it all. i am nothing. this is not a label for the self. mereology is a lovely thing.#baby you are ripping through all these spiderwebs just to live. this is part of the normal developmental process. i am surrounded by people#who throw sums of millions out of their mouths like any other lovely word. i cant stand the thought of your loss#except only in theory. ive been thinking about the bird with the broken wing in florence and how we stood around it until#two friends picked it up and took it home in hopes of nursing him back to flight. ive been thinking about how we are designed to care#for each other. tomorrow you will have your dreams crushed. the day after you will keep going. we are sharing#in the wonders of being perceiving beings. isnt that enough? why do you need to perceive the monstrosity of your own soul? is it#because i love you? is it because you love yourself? you love yourself enough to allow yourself to feel the terrible corners of you.#you can finally stand on your own. you can only stumble forward until you walk for the first time.
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I always look forward to when you write... Well, anything! :) You're always so thoughtful and thorough. I have a lot more to admire about you but very little time to express it, so I'll just say thanks for writing with me and I genuinely enjoy your character. ā¤ļø
Please tell me your favorite things about my portrayal/muse?
Thank you so much, halekulan-i! You might only have had a little time but this meant so much to me, how thoughtful your message was and that you took the time out of your day to send it. Thank you for writing with me and sharing your wonderful Harvey (and Two-Face) with us all; not just that, but also for jumping on the two bagels thing which started off how our two (or three?) started interacting??? I'm so glad you enjoy Khare and I hope she continues to bring you joy!
#halekulan-i#memes ;; what's your favourite thing about my muse?#Thank you again for sending this!#Your interactions with Khare have brought me so much happiness and Harvey gosh#He is wonderful like yes he's done terrible things but he's done some incredible things too and the whole two bagels thing was so funny#I'm glad you enjoyed it too#Harvey though he is a GEM#He brought to Khare's attention just how fucked up her housing situation was#She was in a very bad place like she didn't even know it was so bad she was just glad to have a roof over her head#And Harvey was just one of a few guys who actually have a damn and looked into doing something about it#Something which not many people would have done because why worry about a sketchy landlord when there's killer clowns on the loose?#Harvey cared and Khare was fucking devastated when she learned about the acid attack#Sending him those cheapass flowers bc it was all she could afford#ANYWAYS UM#Really appreciate you sending this and for being so very thoughtful thank you#I hope you continue enjoying this girl because I am sure as hell am enjoying your Harvey + Two-Face!#My heart for this tragically broken man#And his wife aka ex-wife Gilda she is a queen#We can't forget her
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mmmmmm, š
#dwelling on existentialism and death and the loss of childhood and how once things and people are gone they're gone forever#and nothing is ever going to be the same ever ever ever again#nothing will ever have the same kind of surety and simplicity and kindness and familiarity and peace and safety#bc your grandpa is fucking dying and then your grandma will be fucking dying just like your dad your stepdad your everything else#your friendships and your family and your potential and your self-esteem and your dreams and literally everything else#i hate this i hate all of this loss i hate not being good enough i hate letting everyone down#i hate how i've lost everyone i love the most bc i am awful and terrible and broken and stupid#and the only place i can really open up and speak honestly about this is here in tags on this website#to no one and everyone
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huh. having now understood reaching my target audience of one i think i now get why certain artists have gone batshit, and its because no matter their audience size or how explicitly they state things, no one gets what theyre actually saying
#crazy=genius is the primary example that comes to mind#like. the immediate association there is that its bragging#and maybe to some degree it isā that doesnt discount the rest of what im going to say#but like. the order of words there is very important. its not 'it genius = crazy then im insane because im sososo smart'#its 'if crazy = genius then im albert einsteinā because i am going fucking insane'#its not braggingā its bravado. there is a crucial difference between the two.#its a cry for help wrapped in enough arrogance to ensure plausible deniability#and we all just. brushed him off. me included#it's sebastian all over again#if no one takes what you say seriously then you can say your most serious thoughts and have no one blink an eye#and brush it off as yeah yeah emo boy we all had a bad time in highschool.#ajr too im legitimately tempted to see if they have a public email that i can write and send a full analysis to#theyre all just saying it. these people are all so lonely and surrounded by people who see them as a commodity#can you imagine being surrounded by thousands of people who know the words to your songs by heart and didn't understand a single one#sending out flare after flare saying 'this is not a bit i am crumbling to pieces and need help' and having articles written#about how its just music and doesnt mean anything and youre a terrible person#its just for the bitā its just to pull your heartstrings to make it hit harderā its just art. its doesnt mean anything. right?#nevermind that theres a reason they know which strings to pull. nevermind that none of those are mutually exclusive. nevermind how#directly they say that that is not the case in the song. it doesnt mean anything. it cant. because if it does and if theyre all telling the#truth about how fucked up they are then ding ding ding it seems yet again society is broken#and its easier to say it doesnt mean anything than to face the scale of the everything of it all#origibberish#yknow what come to think of it i think using specifically 'crazy' is also deliberate plausible deniability as just being an asshole too#like 'oh well if you were aaaaactually going through a mental health crisis then you would use more respectful language'#much to consider much to consider
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Iāve been having some really horrible health problems since re-getting covid and I hate that every medical person I go to like begging for help has basically been like āidk drink gatorade about it??? we donāt have a cure for long covid, youāre just tired.ā
Iām not looking for a fucking cure Iām looking for literally any form of treatment that will help I have been dying since March and Iām on the verge of quitting my job because Iām literally fainting almost every day between the fucking back to back 100F+ heatwaves and the minimum amount of physical labor required for my job in a building/exhibit with almost no AC or air movement at all and is bright and hot and loud and requires so much energy devoted to attention
but anyway I finally am getting my blood tested tomorrow so maybe I can finally at least get on the path to answers. iām so tired and i just want this all to be over.
#shhh sharkie#money troubles on top of it arenāt helping#cause i donāt have the energy to cook so food is going to waste or i have to order out all the time#and there have been some days so hot and humid and terrible that i donāt trust myself to get to and from the bus#i just hate this so much and iām so tired and i just want some fucking help#i got scheduled for a physical finally cause i havenāt had one since before 2020 but itās not till the end of september#and i almost passed out four days in a row this week and most of the days in the past couple weeks too#i almost passed out at a saturday dnd session. like thatās not even the one thatās after a full day of work.#i literally slept and rested until my friend came to pick me up. and still. we got to the end of the session and i was so woozy.#but yeah went to the walk in clinic today and i got mostly the same response but i stuck to my guns of āi KNOW thereās no cure#but these are things that are impacting my health so what can I do about them. what do i eat what meds and vitamins do i take.ā#ātaking it easy at work is not an option Iām already doing that and I have little to no sick time/PTO. WHAT DO I DO.ā#i am going to quit my job though. it just depends on what the test results say. but Iām done. Iām broken and tired and I have no money.#I have a fucking masters degree and over a decade of experience of whatever kind I just donāt know how to not be in this field.#and how to apply to a job not directly in this field.#Iād love to be at a computer all day or sorting files or boxes or doing data crunching or a myriad of things I know Iām good at.#I just donāt know how to find and apply to other kinds of jobs.
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#the heat index is 101F and our ac has been broken for the past three weeks at work#I worked an 8 hour shift Iām exhuasted + Iām sure I have heat exhaustion (again š)#and like my cheap asshole father comes to pick me up with no ac on in the car š« #he argues all the goddamn time that the ac uses up so much gas and that wastes money and okay whatever thatās stupid#like do you want me to just fucking pass out in the passenger seat?#and heās mad at me cause I may have snapped#but like again 101F outside no ac at work and Iāve had heat exhaustion every day for the past three fucking weeks#itās literally a two minute drive home#but yeah Iām not worth two mins of ac#he has been extra nasty and having extra attitude and Iām fucking done#when Iām home I literally donāt leave my room anymore#dadās also treating mom like shit which is like#I have issues with her too but idk what his fucking problem is anymore#and then she makes her problems everyoneās problems#so theyāre acting like I need to fix how they treat each other#they shouldāve got fucking divorced years ago#I keep telling them to go to fucking marriage counseling or something but nope#the thing is despite being shitty they are both still my parents and it is hard to hear them talk about each other that way#hence why Iām like begging them to either divorce or get counseling#but nah then they just turn it back on me and Iām terrible cause I donāt want to help them work through their problems š« #sometimes I think they literally had a kid so they could just blame everything wrong with them/their lives on me#I leave for vacation in like a week-ish and oh boy I cannot tell you how relieved I am to be getting away from them for a bit#Iām sure itāll be a shit show when I get back but thatās a problem for later me#I just need a fucking break from the shit I put up with at work and the shit I put up with at home
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my moms insane she was like u were mean to me while you were workingā¦you sent me to work with a broken foot for 3 days iāll be mean again rn
#personal#by mean i mean rude#if she wants to see mean i can be mean#iām not and fully possible i was mean! i probably was at several points during this last job and dads illness#but like my meanness was hey im working a full time job and am a full time care taker to my dad and this is hard#her meanness was literally preventing me from going to the fucking doctor with a broken foot#i donāt want to hold what either of us did during this year bc it was a hard time for everyone#and she struggled severly i mean for fucks sake she was doing all i was and way more being breadwinner and dads MAIN main caretaker#she had a HORRIBLE year#it just makes me so mad when she acts like i was this devil like i was struggling under a terrible company and my dads declining health and#had break downs over it or got mean bc i had very what felt like limited time outside of pelt#work#sheās not to say i was mean i just get mad about it bc she was too#sheās not wrong to say i was mean#not to say i wasnāt mean i was mean at times#and this is before asking for help getting her dressed up for her holiday party and sheās said doesnāt want to piss me off several times#and even the statement was about how me not working has been nice bc iām not crazy anymore#but iām still pissed off like sorry i was mean but i mean if weāre comparing meanness we fucking can cause iām not throwing that in ur face#24/7 like do i bring up the fact i had to you remind you that you were a mess during ur dads death to realize i might be a mess during mine#sorry did i call you a bitch and blame you over ur brother fucking breakinf ur door and constantly getting angry when you would bring it up#and be like why do you even need a door#you kicked me out over fucking calling out!!!!! when i had sick time!!!!!!#you were an awful fucking person to me but iām not throwing it in your fucking face!!!!
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#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight#bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired#but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do#like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point#why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying#and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened#from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out#like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going#to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks#ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do#when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced#and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions#and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this#will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun#and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up#and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me?#like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire#but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b#ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place#dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code#somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno#ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day#it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse#unrelated#i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard?#let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo
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