#ive been thinking about your 5 journals and a whole week of crying just to realise our sin. you felt like a nucleus inside a fuzz of

[faaun]

whenever i think/talk abt a "you" it's at least 5 different people usually

[violetnotez]

Is the this the longest fic Ive ever written? Yes. Does it suck? Also yes. Will nobody read it because it makes no sense but Im still going to post because I wasted way too much damn on this thing? TRIPLE YES.

Word count: 10.4k words (she thicc)

Genre: Angst and Fluff, sfw

AU: Fantasy AU!, Hanahaki disease

Prompt: “How could your keep this from?”

Warnings: blood

Summary: You are born into a worls where you must marry your best friend, Prince Shoto, in order to unite your kingdoms in harmony. You are happy to marry your childhood friend and love, until he leaves for a quest unannounced, and you are left questioning if you really want to marry him. Once he returns a few weeks before your planned wedding, you begin to not fall in love with him, but one of his comrades- the barbarian, Bakugo. 

*this is for the even for @bnhabookclub​! Heres the link to the post if your interested!

Again. welcome to the shitshow that is my blog. read at your own risk cause this gets REAL WIERD REAL QUICK

Petals-all you could see were the petals.

Your mouth and  throat felt so dry, your forehead damp with sweat as your back convulsed painfully, raspy coughs wracking out of your chest as you forced the petals out of your body.

They were so pale, like creamy vanilla, a stark contrast from the droplets of your blood splattered on the delicate buds.

You quickly reached for your handkerchief, wiping the residue off your dry mouth in fear of it dribbling on to your white dress-your wedding dress. Your hands were shaking, unable to cry any more tears at your misery-you had come to terms many weeks ago that you were going to reach an unhappy end.

Why did it have to be him?

----------------

You were the princess of your kingdom, destined to marry Prince Shoto of the neighboring kingdom. It was something you two had been accustomed to from birth- in order to connect  the two kingdoms and end the quarrels between the two civilizations, you had to marry. It would be a harmonious marriage: Prince Shoto was kind, soft spoken, and a natural born leader. You two had been wonderful friends as siblings, your fathers putting away their troubles in order for you two to get along. They were hoping that by making you friends at a young age, you would learn to grow feelings for each other.

 For a time, it worked-you had fallen for Prince Shoto, his soft yet powerful demeanor making you  blush each time you remembered him, your young hands writing your name with his last in your journal like a prayer. At 13 you already began to count down the days until you would turn 18, because on that day, you were set to marry your predestined lover- Shoto Todoroki.

For years you had felt so lucky you were blessed with such a sweet boy to be with, being able to live out your lives harmoniously and in peace, something both your parents didn't have the luxury to have. It sometimes left you feeling frustrated- Shoto was truly kind, but very quiet about his thoughts. Your love felt one sided, Shoto seemingly only tolerating you because he had to. 

Once he got older, he became more distant towards you, clearly wishing to rebel against his father’s wishes by being distant towards you. It hurt you immensely to see your best friend and crush plainly reject you, but you still held on to the hope that you two could be happy with each other. Yet all that changed when the Prince had left for a quest.

He had been gone for what seemed like an eternity and for a time, you were extremely worried. You could barely focus on your studies, only imagining your poor friend somewhere cold, hungry, and alone. You knew he would be fine, he was a resilient fighter, but yet you couldn't help but allow the worrisome thoughts to collect in your brain. After news that the Prince was in a neighboring kingdom, safely traveling with a young boy, a witch, and a warrior, you felt at ease- with all those comrades, he was sure to be safe. You finally breathed a sigh of relief, able to calm your anxieties after a long time of being unable to.

 Information continued to trickle in, sometimes good and sometimes bad, but it always stated that the Prince was spotted safe and sound. You took solace in that information, and for awhile, you began to worry less and less about Shoto, until he was barely a memory.

During that time, you had begun to take on the habit of reading. Before it was a task you simply did when forced or extremely bored, only reading books and stories from your own kingdom. 

With so much extra time on your hands waiting upon the Prince to return, you began to learn of other stories, ones that were trully a delight to you: stories of nomads who traveled the country and did rituals to bring them fortunes, women who sold potions by gathering mystical ingredients from the woods, people choosing their own destines and their own paths. It intrigued you- from birth you had one mission for your life: to unite your kingdoms. Once you married Prince Shoto, your destiny would be complete: and then what would you do? You had no other purpose, except being a symbol of that peace for the rest of your life, sitting pretty on a throne until your last breath. 

It began to eat at your insides, gnaw at your conscience that you were merely a pawn in your father’s legacy. You could now fully understand why Shoto had been so defiant: he had realized the truth of his life as well.

Slowly, you began to learn to dread instead of anticipate your wedding day. With the Prince being gone, it was sending quite a ruckus in your home, your father more annoyed with each passing day that the Prince had not come back. You, on the other hand, rejoiced. The kings had both agreed at your times of birth that if anything happened to either child before your 18th birthday, the agreement would be cancelled and the marriage no more. They would rely on their children to fix their broken ties. 

You had just turned 17, the mental clock beginning to tick  in you and your father’s minds, as the Prince still wasn't back form his quest. Just a few more months, and you would both have your wishes: Shoto seemed to have no interest in marrying you, and why should you even for that matter? You two truly didnt love each other- your friendship was a hoax your fathers had created in order to save their own legacies. Your love for each other was man-made and a lie. Just a few more months, and you'd be free of this terrible fate.

------------

The day you turned 17 and a half, you were busying yourself on your plush pink bed, reading another novel about free spirited women in a far off land.

“Princess y/n,” your hand maiden opened the door quietly, afraid of disturbing you, “the King would like to speak with you.”

You gave your shy handmaiden a small smile, delicately marking the spot in your book as your feet landed on the cold floor. 

“Thank you,” you replied, “Ill be there shortly.”

You entered your father’s study, his feet stomping the room heavily as he paced in deep thought.

The room was grand, a golden chair sitting in front of an old ebony desk, the room surrounded by maps, battle plans, and bookcases full of legends of stories written long before your time. Light flitted through long windows against the wall, looking out to the rural countryside and a matching red carpet run the lengths of the stone floors.

Your entrance seemed to have disturbed your Father’s train of thought, his head instantly looking to see who had interrupted him. Once he saw it was you, he sighed, greeting you with a tight smile.

“You wished to see me Father?’ you asked politely, your fingers tugging nervously at the sleeves of your dress. Your father never called upon you unless it was extremely important- had you done something wrong? You wracked your mind for any actions that would had been unwise for your father to find out, but to your surprise, you couldnt think of a single thing you had done.

“Yes, yes,” your father said hastily, waving his hands toward a small wooden chair at the foot of his desk, “please-sit. We have much to discuss.”

You sat on the hard chair, a chill traveling your back as you watched your father sit in his plush throne, his face clearly tired.

“As we all know, Prince Shoto has been on a quite a long quest for some time,” your father began, his voice deep with annoyance, “and has not come back. And with your 18th birthday fast approaching, and it worries me that the boy wont be back in time for your marriage. I have talked to King Todoroki about my worries,  who also had the same fear, and he promised to bring the boy back and end his little shenanigan. But Shoto refuses to leave until his quest is complete.” 

Your father took in a deep breath through his nose, his face a mix of anger and agitation.

Your heart beat excitedly- the prince wasnt coming back? The news bounced happily inside you, giving you some hope that you needed- that must have been why he had gone on that quest in the first place! Even though you were excited, you felt a tightness in your chest- you were childhood firend after all. He really didnt like you that much that he felt he had to run away?

“Oh dont look so solemn daughter,” your father comforted, his voice soft with sympathy,” Shotos father allowed the boy to finish his quest in 5 months’ time, and he is forced to return to his kingdom. In the meantime, we can not forget the whole reason for your marriage like young Todoroki has- you must connect the kingdoms in order to bring harmony.``

“Which is why,” your father added, “we must begin to plan the wedding.”

Your head shot up, the feeling of shock flooding your body. It was still going to happen? Your body began to feel heavy, your father's words fuzzy against your ear- you didn't want this, any of this. You felt trapped like a songbird in a cage, unable to scream out what you desperately wanted to say: if he didnt love you, you didnt want any part of this.

Your father seemed to not notice the look of terror on your face, continuing to inform you of his plan. “We already have sent out invitation to relatives and noblemen in other countries, as well as begin to plan out the festivities. It will be a 3 day event, full of food and parties and, of course, the celebration of our kingdoms coming together. The closer to the date, we will begin to need you for fittings of your dresses as well as rehearse your wedding vows and such. I promise I will make this as wonderful as I can, for you are my only daughter.” 

The king smiled at you, wrapping your stiff body into a hug. You could barely feel his embrace- the world was numb to your screaming mind. You wished upon everything in you to end this, to make this all go away, but you knew you couldn't- you would be forced to do this whether you wanted to or not. 

You simply nodded your head to your father’s parting words, and then ran to your quarters, shutting the door and ceremoniously throwing yourself on your bed in defeat.

--------------

For days you felt numb and broken, all fight leaving your body. You watched as all your handmaidens and servants ran like chickens around the castle, preparing for the enormous festivities coming in close time. You were a good and proper princes, silently placid and allowing everything around you to happen.

 Flower arrangements, samples of sweets, and  fabrics for your dresses all came to you, and you agreed to all of them or just randomly choose. You could care less for your “special day”- the only thing you could truly hope for was prince Shoto ignoring his father’s wishes and not coming back.

That, of course, was a wishful fantasy. You were having a blissful dream when your hand maiden barged into your room, clearly too excited to be considerate of your sleeping state.

“Miss y/n! Miss y/n! Oh please wake up! There is most wonderful news!” she cried excitedly, gently pulling the covers off your body, “You must get ready at once!”

“Prince Shoto- he is back from his quest!”

---------

The whole of the kingdom rejoiced at the news, since he had arrived a month before the wedding. He was here, ready to marry and unite the kingdom. That was all that truly mattered.

Your handmaiden dressed you in your most elegant gown, the icy aqua color bringing out the rosiness of your cheeks, as she placed pearly ornaments in your hair. You felt like you were being presented as a gift to the Prince, a reminder of what he was destined to do. You sighed, dreading having to reunite with your once friend and secret love.

Shoto was standing in the ballroom of your castle, very accustomed to it since you both played here occasionally as children. He was used to the golden floors and the crystal chandeliers the sizes of boulders, all hung gracefully in a row on the ebony ceiling. Him and his company were standing shoulder to shoulder, facing the polished staircase cascading towards them.

He looked at his new found friend’s faces, their expressions clearly in shock. Izuku, his face ruddy with dirt and his cheeks aflame from nervousness as he twisted his shirt between his fingers (a nervous tick Shoto had noticed).  Uraraka gawked at the room around her in awe, her wide eyes drinking up the scene in front of her. Bakugo was least impressed, his arms crossed in front of his exposed chest and his eyes formed in judgmental slits.

 Shoto had told the others before why he had to go back, but only after the quest was over- he wanted to help his new found friends, and after promising to help them in their battle, he would have felt extremely guilty leaving them behind. 

Their reactions were mixed when he revealed he had a marriage in a few weeks time- Izuku was clearly shocked yet in awe hed be marrying a princess, while Uraraka seemed to find the situation romantic. Bakugo simply laughed, mocking him from being such a “sissy” for actually getting married in the first place.

Shoto was feeling conflicted inside at the moment- it had been so long since he had last seen you, and when he had, he was less than kind to you. He was quiet, distant, and quite petty about the whole situation of your marriage. You had turned barely 17 when he left, his young body desperate for some adventure and resilient to his father’s wishes. He merely saw you as a nuisance, someone in the way of his freedom. He knew it was unkind and unjustified, you didn't know what was going on inside him, but he was angry nevertheless and desperate to leave. So when he was approached by young boy in need of a friend for his quest, it was hard to resist the offer.

But as nights when on and he had time to be alone with his thoughts, his mind always seemed to travel to you. The way you giggled, your laughs sounding like chimes in the wind, or how your smile always seemed to make his skin tingle with warmth.

 You were always a strange girl, but always in the best way, daring Shoto to races even thought your father said it was “unlike a princess to do so” or trying to braid Shoto’s mix-matched hair.

 He would never forget the day he had allowed you to do so, your nimble fingers soft against his skin and making him burn up from nervousness. Your touch was so calming and soothing, your small compliments and soft voice sending his soul soaring with pleasure. It was then he realized he had loved you for you, not because he was forced to.

Shoto felt guilty for forgetting those cherished memories in his fits of anger, but he had agreed to help Izuku and he vowed to not give up on that promimse. Months went on, and Shoto couldnt tell how much time had passed: he only hoped you were doing okay without him. 

It wasnt until his father had came to collect him that he realized how short he was on time. He had still stuck by his friends, yet the constant reminders of your wedding was in the air, haunting him. They would travel through kingdoms, the whispers of this event following him as the townspeople began to talk. It was a wonder his friends never caught on except him, only to find out weeks before your wedding.

Now Shoto was standing in the ballroom, feeling quite nervous- he hadnt seen you in so long….would you look any different? He was certain your beauty had grown by then, the thought of you looking older and more womanly bringing a blush to his cheeks. How would you see him? He had become quite a different person on his quest, his body becoming more hardened from battles with bandits and the harsh life of travelling. Would you feel the same for him still? Were you just as excited as you were so many years ago to finally be together?

Shoto heard the clicks of shoes on the wooden floor, a man with the straightest back he had ever seen standing proudly at the steps of the stairs.The man took a deep breath, his voice traveling through the room as he announced your arrival to the group of travelers. 

Yet Shoto didnt hear a single word he said- he was enraptured by your beauty. You had seemed to turn into a fine young woman since he had last seen you, your curves accentuated by the tightness of your gown, the blue complimenting you perfectly. Your hair flowed in soft ringlets on your back, the pearls in your hair like stars. You were an angel blessed to this planet- an angel he was destined to marry.

The only thing that was worrying him was your expression- he had expected you to seem so much more lively, welcoming the bright smile you would always give him when you saw him. But now, your face was gone of any warmth, looking almost numb to the situation as you looked down at the group.

You traveled down the stairs, hating the way your name sounded in the announcer's voice. This was all so cliche- the Prince comes from a quest, and there is the Princess, simply a prize for his hardwork. A trophy of sorts for doing a good deed. Why did it have to be this why? Why couldnt you feel anything? The world had felt so cold for so long, feeling trapped due to the lack of control you had. Everything had seemed to loose its splendor and color, your vision for weeks turning gray in sadness-

Until you saw him.

The ash blonde boy, his hair unruly and his eyes a bright red like blood. He was clad in strange clothes, like a barbarian, his chest completely open and showcasing his taut muscles. You were intrigued by him- you had only seen likes of him in books and stories you read. He was so different, so menacing, and you wanted to know more. He was the only thing you could focus on, not taking any time to look at the others in the group, including Shoto.

Shoto was the first to reach you, unafraid to approach you like the rest of the group as you reached the bottom of the steps.

“Y/n-” he said, his voice deep and airy, “you look-wonderful.”

You gave him a small smile, but it made his heart sink- you didnt look happy at all. It seemed forced, far from the bright grins you used to send his way all the time.

“As do you, Shoto. You look quite different from when we last saw each other.”

You quickly turned your attention away from him, focusing on his new comrades instead.

 “I assume these are the young heroes that accompanied you on your journey?”

“Y-yes!” the young boy with the unruly green hair stuttered, nervously bowing his head. He was quite adorable in a way, his small stature and freckles dusted on his cheeks giving him a child-like quality (even though he was most likely your age). “My name is Izuku Midoriya!”

You gave a reassuring smile to the young boy, trying to make him feel comfortable.

 “It is wonderful to meet you Izuku.”

You began to walk towards the girl know, her pointy yet colorful hat signaling that she was a light witch, a sorceress who used your powers for good.

The girl shimmied in her dusty boots, clearly as nervous as the boy. She lifted the corners of her cloth dress, bowing slightly. 

“My name is Ochaco Uraraka, your highness,” she smiled sweetly, her cheeks dusted in a pinky glow.

“Ochaco…” you mused over the name, its sound foregin yet light on your tongue, “you are a light witch, I assume?”

“Yes, yes I am!” the girl practically squealed, relief seemingly flooding her face. ‘How did you know?”

You giggled a her amazement at you, completely unaware apparently that she had the most witch-like outfit you had ever seen.

“A lucky guess,” you shrugged your shoulders playfully as you began to walk again, your heart beginning to race as you edged toward the barbarian.

You stopped in front of the man, his stature a head taller than yours. You eyes looked slightly up at him, your cheeks reddening- he was much more handsome up close, his rugged features making you feel breathless. He un-apologetically judged you with his vermilion eyes, looking you up and down with scorn.

Why did you find that so attractive?

“And you are-” 

“My name is Bakugo.” he instantly interrupted you, his voice deep and velevty like syrup, “thats all you need to know.”

“Bakugo?” Your brain searched for any name similar to that, but found none- this boy was definitely a foreigner, most likely from far off lands you could only dream of. You had no idea why he followed Shoto back to the kingdom, but you were happy he did- he was definitely a sight for sore eyes.

“A warrior, I assume by your garments,” you nodded, your eyes trailing to his torso “and by the looks of your scars, an experienced one.”

He scoffed at your observations, his eyes rolling in his sockets.

“For a princess, your eyes wander a damn lot. But yeah- Im hella of a good warrior. Best in the kingdoms.”

You cocked an eyebrow at his language, your cheeks red  by his comment. He was so unapologetic and rude, yet- it was intoxicating to you. 

“I’m glad to here that.”

Shoto was eyeing you sadly the whole time- what was so different between you two? Why did you seem so welcoming to the others but so distant to him? His face began to turn red with fury as he watched you interact with Bakugo, the way Bakugo insulted you so plainly and cockily making him want to yell. He watched as your face had light up for just a moment when you spoke with him, something Shoto didn't get the luxury to experience. 

He also noticed what Bakugo had vocalized- you eyes did wander when you looked at him. Shoto at first tried to rationalize that you were simply being curious, since Bakugo was definitely a strange sight for you, but the way your cheeks blushed and you smiled so warmly at him made him think otherwise.

 What did you see in that barbarian that you didnt with Shoto? 

You looked again at the odd group, taking a deep breath through your lungs.

“I want to congratulate you all for your successful quest,” you began, the lines slightly rehearsed, “and as thanks from my father for bringing back Prince Shoto, he would like to welcome you all for dinner tonight. We  would love to hear all about your journey then,” you then snuck one last look at Bakugo, his eyes boaring into yours. It was making you feel a warmth inside that you had thought long ceased.

You instantly looked down at your hands, your cheeks feeling hot. You knew this was wrong- you shouldn't feel smitten for any other boy, especially this warrior, yet you couldnt help it- you were entranced by his resilience and the freedom he had, something you could only dream of. 

“If youll excuse me, I have - things to attend to. It was a pleasure to see you all” you gave the group a tight smile, turning your back quickly from the group to follow your handmaiden back to your quarters.

Shoto watched you until you were gone, his heart beating painfully. He wished he could run up to you, grab you by your wrist and ask you what was the matter. It was still him, your friend for all those years, and you were still you, his love and his best friend. Were you beginning to forget, like he did? He felt his stomach drop painfully at the idea- he would ask you, tonight. He would figure out what had happened between you two, and fix it.

--------------

You were now at dinner, sitting stiffly as you moved your food around your plate, your tight corset making you feel un-hungry. All night you had been detached and quiet, feeling almost sick by your surroundings. Your father was overly outgoing to the guest,giving you side-eyed glances and trying to enter you in the conversation. You would simply smile and nod, occasionally throwing in a comment before returning to squishing your food between your utensils.

The only time you ever seemed interested was when Bakugo would speak. His comments were all snarky and rude, completely self centered about how strong or intelligent he was.

 He was constantly proving his worth throughout the dinner, taking over the story of their journey when he saw fit, making sure everyone knew he was the most capable one of the group. It was obscene, his remarks, his language, even his personality, but- you were intrigued by it. The only person he had to listen to was himself. It was so intoxicating to watch him talk, to hear what other remarks would leave his mouth. Whenever he spoke, you stood up a little straighter, taking time to take in any information he gave about himself and immortalize it  into your brain.

Shoto had felt awkward the whole meal, not knowing how to gauge your emotions. You seemed so distant, as if a stranger was sitting next to him. He wished he could enter your mind, detangle all the emotions and thoughts that were keeping you from being yourself around him. There was no laughter, no genuine smiles, no happiness came from you. This bothered him- you were usually so cheerful. His nervousness was eating the inside of his stomach, as his mind still couldn't figure out how to approach you after dinner.

“-and the wedding will be a three day celebration, full of festivities,” your father continued boisterously, his voice booming embarrassingly around the room, “Shoto and y/n will be the main attention, of course, over 200 noblemen will see them share vows-”

The sound of your chair pushing away echoed throughout the dining hall, making the whole group look to you. You cleared your throat delicately, a hand resting on your chest.

“Excuse me for my rudeness, but Im feeling- unwell,” you sighed a quick smile.

“Are you alright, do I need to-” the king asked, his eyes full of concern as you shook of his worries.

“Oh no, Im completely fine- just a headache,” you gave a pained smile, “I hope you all enjoy the rest of the meal.”

Shoto watched you walk away, desperate to make sure he knew which way you went in this large castle. He instantly pushed away from the table as well, rising quietly. 

“I- uh-am full, thank you for the meal,” he bowed to the King slightly, placing his napkin on his plate as he rushed out, confusing the group that was left.

Izuku and Ochaco looked at each other, their cheeks red with embarrassment and shock as they looked at Bakugo, who was clearly not bothered by the disturbance. Ochaco then looked at the king, who was clearly confused by the whole ordeal, as an awkward air lay heavy on the table.

Ochaco hastily took a large bite from her plate, filling her mouth with food- “MMMMMM!” she exaggerated, trying to start up conversation again, “I LOVE the ham!” 

------------

Shoto ran around the castle, looking through every corridor and door, searching for you.His head was racing, trying to organize his thoughts in his minds. He needed to figure out how to speak to you- should he act normal, like nothing was wrong? Should he be formal and see how that went? Angry? Upset? He didnt know how to approach you, but he knew he had to do it.

 He finally saw your gown turn an empty hallway, his feet picking up pace. He quickly was able to catch up once he could pin point your location, his hand wrapping around your wrist in order to stop you. 

 You felt slender,cool fingers wrap around your skin, making your body run cold. You instantly jumped by the sudden touch, all breath leaving your body as you turned around quickly.

Your wide eyes met the mix matched orbs of Shoto, a small pang of annoyance filling your body from getting so scared.

“Shoto,” you replied breathlessly, slightly happy though it was only him and not somebody else that had grabbed you.

“I-uh-y/n,” he replied back, his mind going blank.

He let go of your wrists, his hands resting at the side of his body. “I-Im sorry to scare you like that,” he apologized, “I just- wanted to speak to you. If you’ll let me.”

You looked at the boy, his eyes now averting yours, probably from nerves. You decided to listen, turning your body to him. 

“Apology accepted,” you said plainly, “What did you want to speak about?”

Shoto drew a blank- what did he want to talk about? He loved hearing your voice, finally only reserved for him, but yet you seemed preoccupied. Distant. Like you were on another world and not truly there with him.

He stared at you lightly, looking extremely conflicted. “I-I wanted to talk to you about what happened while I was gone.”

“You explained quite plainly what happened on your journey,” you replied, clearly not in the mood to talk, “I applaud you for your bravery, it must have been quite a difficult journey-” you gave him a small bow, your eyes gone of any warmth. “I really must go to bed, Im sorry, but i do feel-”

You began to walk away again, Shoto desperate to keep you near him. He walked in font you, blocking your path.

“You didnt here me correctly-” he changed his wording this time, trying to be as specific as possible. “I want to know what happened to you while I was gone.”

You eyebrows turned down in confusion. “What are you trying to say Shoto?”

He swallowed, trying to clear his dry throat as he licked his lips, conflicted. 

“You seem-different.”

“Its been a year and a half since I last saw you, Shoto,” you reasoned, “of course Ill be different.”

“Yes, but-” he paused, “youre too different. Youre not the same y/n I knew.”

“Why? Because Im not following you around like a love sick puppy?” Annoyance began to bubble inside, feeling attacked by Shoto’s words. “Because I finally got over the fact you didnt love me ? You dont have to pretend Shoto, I know full well you only see me as a nuisance.”

Shock flooded Shoto’s system as your icy words pierced his skin. What happened to you? Yes, he was rude to you before he left, but he didnt feel like that anymore. That was a simple phase, were you going to define him by that?

“I dont see you as a nuisance, y/n.”

“Really?” you scoffed at his words. “then tell me why your father had to go out to find you twice before you finally decided to come back?”

“I made a promise to my friends. I had to finish my quest before-”

“You had a promise to me, Shoto!” you yelled exasperatedly, your heart bursting with hurt. “To your family! To my family! Our people! What was so much more important than that?”

“I was so worried about you Shoto, terrified for you. Those first few months I couldnt think of anything but you.” You were beginning to reveal a lot, too much, but the emotions, the hurt, the anger, was flooding out of you like a broken dam and you couldn't stop it. 

“But then I realized that you didnt care for me. You thought I didn't notice how you gave me the cold shoulder those last few months? How you ignored me,  only gave me quick answers, acted as if I was just a pest following you around? I remembered all of it, and then I realized- you left because of me.”

“You left because of me, didn't you, Shoto?” your voice was harsh and crude like metal, stabbing into Shoto’s conscience.

He stayed silent- how could he say anything back? Your words were making him feel small and foolish- he should have known that you would have noticed his change in demeanor, just as he noticed yours.

You smiled painfully at his silence, feeling a fresh cut of pain slash inside you. “I knew it.”

“Y/n, I-” There was so much he wanted to say, things he wanted to take back. He didnt want this meeting to go like this- with you even more distant to him. Out of all the possible outcomes, this had to be the worst one. 

“Dont even try to backtrack Shoto, I know the truth now,you just confirmed it.”

He knew he was less than kind to you before he left, but know it wasnt like that anymore. Why were you so angry?

“Fine-yes-I left, and it wasnt right,” he admitted, his voice deep, “but Im back. Why are you putting my old self against me now?”

“Because I couldn't for the year and half you were gone! I-I loved you Shoto, and you-”

“You dont love me anymore?” Shoto looked down at you sadly, his eyes full of sorrow. It felt like his heart was breaking in two, the way those words spilled out your mouth so easily making it sting even more.

You swallowed, filling a pit grow in your chest. Everything felt so cold, so empty. This was your best friend- why couldn't you just be nice to him? You thought you had gotten over all this.

“You dont love me-so  why should I love you?” your voice was barely a whisper, cold and empty in the frigid hallway.

Shoto stared down at you, his voice caught in his throat. Did you really believe that? That he didnt love you?You had been friends since children- you really thought all those times, all those days you played together, were all fake? Who even were you?

“I just want you to know,” you spoke, your voice monotone and  icy,” Im not doing this for my father, or your father, or even you. Im doing this for my people and thats it.”

“It” meaning the wedding.

Tears began to prickle your lashline, confusion flooding your numb body as you began to walk away from Shoto- 

you hadnt cried in what seemed like forever. 

Why were you now? 

“Y/n, please, can we just talk-” he tried to reason, harsh with desperation. 

“No.” your voice was plain in its tone that you were done with the conversation.

 “Im just curious Shoto- why did you come back? Because if I had the luxury to have all that freedom, to be free for once- I wouldnt.”

Shoto’s heart felt broken  as he watched you walk away, your dress ruffling as you continued on your path. He felt defeated, confused, even angry- what had happened to you since he had been gone? Did you really hate him that much? What did you mean you had no freedom? More questions flooded his mind than what were answered, but he now knew one thing- you didnt want anything to do with him.

As Shoto’s was returning to his corrdiors sadly, you were lost in thought, just feeling- empty. You didnt feel sad, or angry, or even spitefu anymorel. Just- numb to the world. You could walk for miles and miles it seemed and you wouldnt feel a thing. 

Why was that? Why were so mean to your long lost firend? You should be hugging him from happiness and relief-not meeting him with coldness and hate. 

As you were lost in thought, you didn't even notice yourself running into a person. Your hand instantly reached out, meeting soft yet rough skin. You looked up in confusion ,and your breath hitch- it was the barbairan, his vermilion eyes like rubies as he stared down at you in scorn.

“Oi, watch were your going you damn princess,” he scolded,pushing you off him gently. You stumbled slightly, trying to get your footing right- you had run in to him, you had even touched him. If you were feeling alright, and if the circumstances were different, you could practically squeal. “Youre gonna hurt someone.”

“Did I hurt you?”  

He scoffed at your comment. “Like you could ever hurt me,” his voice was deep and velvety, his comment sending shocwaves into your system. The reply was prideful, yet it could have been- sweet. Kind, in a way in a different light- maybe he meant it like that?

“How do you know that?” you blurted out, a small smirk crawling across your lips.

You just wanted him to talk more, to hear that velvety voice directed towards you- but you were close to flirting with him. What were you doing? What was going on with you? 

One second you were chewing out your life time friend weeks before your wedding, and now you were being smitten with a random man you didn't even know.

He chuckled slightly, his canines glinting. “Your a fucking handful, arentcha?”

He eyed your wobbling feet, as you still were finding your footing slightly.

“You clearly cant walk right-you feeling fine, because Im not gonna be the one who carries you-”

“No, no , Im fine.” you reassured, your cheeks rosy. ‘Thank you for catching me.”

“Youre the one who ran into me.”

“You could have just pushed me off though, you seem like the type to do that,” you gave him a cheeky grin, it disappearing when you heard a slight growl come form him.

“The hell you mean princess?” he was trying to be menacing, but you could tell there was something behind it- he was curious. You loved how he called you “princess”, making it sound like a pet name than  a title.

“Your a lone wolf, are you not? You are strong, independent, free-” you began to list off, your eyes focusing on his, “you follow your own code and beliefs”

“Damn right I do,” he agreed, your heart soaring that he looked so proud of you for describing him so perfectly. “-which is why Im confused as hell that half-and-half prince is allowing himself to get married.”

Ouch.

The small amount of hope that Bakugo seemed to like  you had quickly got destroyed, feeling hurt flood your body. You quickly tried to shake it off, so Bakugo couldn't see it on your face.

“What he even want to talk to you about anyway?” The boy shifted in his stance, his muscles moving with his movements.

You gulped, guilt filling your body- Shoto, the one who had just fought with. You couldnt tell this boy what had happened- that was private, and really, it was embarrassing.

“Just-uh-about-” you stammered, your cheeks red as you searched for a lie.

“Ugh, let me guess, you two were trading spit werent you?” he interrupted in disgust, taking your red cheeks as a sign you two were doing something unholy in the hallway. 

You swallowed, licking your lips as you gave him a tight lipped smile. You were just going to follow along with Bakugo’s line of reasoning- you didnt have any other better ideas. 

 “Y-yep, just- please dont tell anyone?” 

He gave a bitter laugh, his voice booming against your ears. “You guys cant get dirty? I guess that makes sense, since you all our royalty, cant be having any scandals-”

“Do you promise?” you rushed him, now feeling uncomfortable- if anybody heard you and Shoto were kissing in the hallway, and you two were really arguing-

“Yeah, dont worry princess, youre secrets safe with me.” 

You sighed a breath of relief, feeling your heart jump at the smirk the boy sent your way.

“Thank you- I- uh- best be going now,” you stammered, rushing past the warrior, “have a nice night Bakugo.”

You rushed to your room, your heart feeling on fire. Your hands were shaking, your mid racing- all you could think about was that boy. Your world had seemed so dark, until he showed up. His rude responses, his chaotic personality, his snarkiness, that overly prideful speech, his freedom- it was so intoxicating to you. You felt your heart pumping against your chest- you hadn't felt this alive in so long.

You suddenly felt very sick, your head feeling drowsy- maybe you were actually catching something, and thats why you were acting so strange? You were gasping for breath it seemed, your corset making it hard to breath. I felt like something was tightening around your chest, small prods poking into you from the inside- it was a strange sensation, one you did not welcome in the slightest. You stumbled to your bed, holding on to the post as your lungs felt tight with no air, liking something was blocking your passageway. Coughs began to erupt out of you, wracking your body until you finally felt you could breathe. You sucked in a deep breath, welcoming the sweet night air, your chest still feeling tight. You looked down at the ground, trying to slow your stammering heart, until your eyes feel upon something new- a single white petal, resting softly on the ground.

------------

After that night, You became obsessed with this boy, learning bits and pieces from him though conversation you had overheard from Shoto’s friends and workers inside the castle. You learned he was from an extremely far off land, past even the Mountains, which surprised you. He lived alone, and apparently had a dragon as well. He had  gotten in many fights due to his overly prideful personality, which was why he had so many scars decorating his taut body. Your handmaidens seemed to look at him with annoyance, saying he refused to wear anything “civilized” and would plainly cuss them out if they even set foot in his room to clean.

You knew he had a softer side though- he had kept your “secret” safe, right? You heard nothing around the castle about any make-out session or argument between you and Shoto. That little act made you feel special in someway- maybe he had a soft side for you?

Whenever you would feel yourself getting sucked into the sadness of planning your wedding, you’d think of fantasies with that barbarian boy. Him taking you in the middle of night, taking you far away from this place. His hands placed around your waist, that snarky smile looking down at you again.

 Seeing him walk around the castle grew a desperation and love in your body, watching his handsome face stare around the rooms, his voice loud and prideful- you wished he could look your way, acknowledge you again. His vermillion eyes sent fire into your soul whenever you closed his eyes, his face being a beacon of warmth in your life.

Yet that beacon of life was killing you from the inside- every day and every night you fantasized about Bakugo, the sickness taking over you grew worse and worse. The closer you got to your wedding day, the worse it felt, the vines inside you prickling at your soft organs. They were growing, you felt it, as you coughed up more and more petals. 

For a few days you had no idea what was going on, fear striking you as you wondered if you should ask to see a doctor. But you decided to do your own research, scourging through books until you found your sickness: Hanahaki. The the mythical disease for unrequited love. It was quite rare, but it came to the most lonely, delusional, and desperate of lovers.

 It made sense, really- it all started when you talked to Bakugo, after falling in his arms. It hurt he didnt love you back- but why should he? One run-in shouldn't make people fall in love with each other, but somehow it made you. You welcomed the pain alittle, as it was a reminder you still had some feeling other than emptiness inside you. It also terrfiied you- you were supposed to be in love with Shoto, not some barbarian from a far off land you barely spoke to.

  How had this happened, how could you let this happen?

Even if you did tell others you had Hanahaki, they would point the finger at Shoto, calling him cold and callous for not loving you. You were the one who was the cold one, pushing your old friend away. Even if you felt some residue of anger for him, you wouldn't put him through that- he didn't deserve it. You let this disease do its course- if it went away youd be freed, knowing that Bakugo loved you back, and if not- well, you’d figure that out when you got there.

You had barely talked to Shoto or even noticed him since that night, not realizing the amount of worry he felt towards you. Everyday that went by he noticed how sick you looked, your skin paling and you eyes losing any life. Every cough you tried to hold back he noticed and it rang in his ear like a terrible siren- there was something wrong with you.It ate at his insides, his fear of you pushing him away again making him scared to ask what was wrong.

------------

It was now the night before you wedding and you were feeling less than hopeful. You were supposed to be lively and happy, as your father had thrown a party to celebrate the events of the next day, yet you had no energy left in you to dance or socialize. You stayed in a dark corner, trying your best to blend in and not be noticed.

 The coughs were not leaving, and it felt like your chest was being constricted until you could barely breathe. The annoying tickle of a cough was constantly at the back of your throat, as you tried to keep the petals at bay. You were miserable.

“Princess, are you doing alright, you seem a little- pale? Do you need some water, or maybe fresh air,” the young witch Ochaco approached you, her rosy cheeks and bright eyes looking at you.

“Hello, Ochaco,” you greeted, your smile strained, “you know-fresh air would be nice.”

The sweet girl smiled at you, gingerly taking you by the crook of your elbow and out of the ballroom. The fresh air was rather nice, soothing your hurting brain and your sore lungs. You two walked in silence for a while, enjoying each other’s company. Your mind was shifting around, thinking about Shoto and what would happen tomorrow. It hurt too much, though- you still were both not at speaking terms, and now you had to be promised to each other for eternity. The thought made your throat itch even more, and instead, you  switched to own of your many fantasies of Bakugo that brought you some comfort.

“So, how are you feeling? Nervous, excited, scared?” Ochaco asked gingerly

“About what?” you asked, looking at her with curiosity

“Uh,um-your wedding,” she giggled nervously, her cheeks growing red again. 

Oh-you cursed yourself for getting to invested in your fantasy, feeling embarrassed for thinking of Bakugo and not about Shoto.

You really didnt know how to answer her question-You felt yourself dreading it-how could you tell her that? But you didnt want to lie to her- lying to her would be practically evil, like giving a child a promise and not fulfilling it.

“Its expected of me to marry him,” you reasoned out carefully, “Ive been thinking of this day since I was a child.”

She gaped out you in awe. “Really?That early? In your kingdoms is it a tradition to marry from each other’s kingdoms?”

You gave her a wihsful smile. “Actually- no, it isnt. We’re the first ones.”

Her brown bob fluttered against her cheeks, her eyes staring up at you in confusion.

“I-if you dont mind me asking,” she asked nervously, “why is that?”

You sighed, giving her a small smile.

“Its kind of a long story….”

------------

“Long ago our two kingdoms began to quarrel against one another. But that happened years back- we still continued to fight against each other, and quite frankly, we forgot about why. We just knew we hated each other and wanted to see the other fail. My father had always said to me that my mother wished for her children to be born in a peaceful kingdom, yet my father’s pride prevented that from coming true for her.

“Until the day I was born- my mother, sadly, died while giving birth to me. My father now had no queen, and really, no future ruler, since I am a girl and only men can become ruler in my kingdom. In his grief, he began to feel sympathetic, I suppose- he knew King Todoroki had a young boy who was barely turning 4, and my father got an idea. He travelled to his kingdom, and somehow was able to talk King Todoroki into an agreement.” 

“In order to end the suffering of our two kingdoms, Shoto and I would marry once I turn 18, in which would bind our kingdoms forever in peace, with Shoto as ruling over both.”

Ochaco breathed out a large sigh, giving you a conflicted expression.

“So-thats why you two are getting married? Its arranged?”

You looked at her in confusion-“Didnt-Shoto tell you that? I thought Bakugo at least knew-” 

“Bakugo?” Ochaco blinked a few times, clearly puzzled. “Bakugo just thought it was quite, well, wierd Shoto was getting married- Bakugo is just a lone wolf who cant understand love I guess-”

You strangely felt angry at her words- how could she even say that about him? Yes, he was cold and callous at times, but how could she know he couldn't at least love? You knew he had to at least have some way of having feelings for another person, you had to at least hope for that-

“-it must be why he left last night,”

You stopped in your tracks, feeling a ton of bricks pound into your chest. 

“He-he left?

“Um yeah! Something about being ‘bored waiting around for a stupid’- oh my gosh, y/n are you alright!?” 

You were coughing up quite alot, your lungs dry and painful as your heart tore in two. He-he left. Without you. Without even a goodbye. 

After all that daydreaming, all that hope, that dedication to him, hoping he would notice you- he left. He never loved you, and you knew it- you were just so desperate for someone to take you, to teach you how to be free. 

You wanted him to teach you, to see potential in you that you could be just as defiant to the world as him. 

Uraraka wrapped her slender arms around your body, patting your back softly to help you rid your body of whatever had attacked you. It was taking everything in you to not let a single petal fall out, the itching in the back your neck unbearable as your heart beat agonizingly against horribly. 

You felt a few silky petals slip out of your mouth, soft against your dry tongue. Miraculously, Uraraka didn't suspect a thing- most likely from the darkness she couldn't see the disease overtaking you.

You gulped desperately for air, finally getting a hold on your lungs. 

“I-Im fine,” you panted out, raising from the floor on shaky knees. “Thank you”

Urarka gave you a pointed look, clearly not convinced. “Of course, but are you sure? Do you need water, or maybe I should get Shoto-”

“No!” you yelled out, covering your mouth in case of another attack.

You felt a little guilty for yelling at Uraraka so harshly, her wide eyes looking at you in shock-you just couldnt bear seeing Shoto when you were grieving over a lover that was never yours- and apparently dying from it too. 

“No, Im fine, really,” you said more calmly, trying to be reassuring, “lets, just- walk back, if thats okay-”

“Yes of course! Ill walk you to your room, just in case you get sick again-”

You two walked in silence again, you mulling over your broken heart as Uraraka watched you in worry. You two passed the ballroom, everyone seemingly enjoying themselves and not noticing you two as you lead the way to your room. 

You stepped up to the door, your hand grasping the doorknob until you paused, a question entering your mind. You were still confused why Uraraka said she didnt know your marriage was arranged-you would have expected Shoto to have told his group after saying he was getting married. 

Was he embarrassed by it, that he was marrying you?

“You said you were surprised to here our marriage was arranged,” you asked quietly, “Shoto never told you?”

Uraraka shuffled in her pink boots, her shoulder hunched close to her chin.

“He-uh-no,” she breathed out, “he said he made a promise to marry a girl he loved.”

-------------------

Morning. 

Daylight.

Wedding.

You should be feeling happy, excited, optmistic-you had been imagining this day since you were a child. But now, all you could feel was a coldness you couldnt seem to shake off- after your talk with Uraraka last night, you felt so confused.

The person you “loved” had never loved you, leaving you sick and hurt.

The person who did love you, you most likely pushed away to the point where they didnt love you anymore.

You couldnt even understand your emotions yourself. All night your sickness wouldnt leave your poor lungs alone, making you cough uncontrollably all night, the petals piling up around you.

You wouldn't allow anyone to see you in the morning, snatching your wedding dress from your hand maidens and putting in yourself. You fixed yourself up, trying to make yourself look as lively as possible, but it seemed impossible- you felt too empty inside to really put your heart into it.

Another round of coughs attacked your chest, a single petal dribbling out of your mouth, along with a speckle of blood. It dripped on the inner folds of your creamy white dress- easily disguisable if you made sure it was covered- yet it made you begin to cry.

What was going on? Why did you have to do this? Why were you still sick?  

Your knees hit the cold floor, wave after wave of tears and coughs struck your body in a terrible symphony, the petals piling up on your dress. 

You couldnt take it anymore- this sickness was going to have to take you, because you had no energy left to fight it anymore.

You felt a knocking on your door, the sounds harsh against your temple. You sniffled, one last cough feebily spilling out of your bloodied lips.

“Go away-I promise Ill be out soon-” you began sadly, until you heard the door swing open.

You looked up, your face in shock as you did not lock eyes with your handmaiden, but with Shoto’s.

He looked around the floor, noticing the bloody petals, his face completely torn-he knew what was going on.

Shoto stared down at you, his eyes boaring into yours-he knew something was wrong with you. He had came by your room in hopes of fixing your relationship before speaking your vows, working up the courage until he heard you crying. No matter what was between you two, he wouldnt let you go through pain by yourself.

Now he watching you cough up your life, those sickly petals flowing out of you, each one taking a toll on your body.

He gasped out your name, the words like honey as he sat next to you on the floor. You looked so beautiful in that white gown, like an angel from heaven. 

But the paleness of your skin, the bags like bruises under your eyes, the blood on your lips- it all reminded him that you were human, and you were hurting inside. He reached for your hand, his fingers grazing your skin-so cold- but you pulled it away quickly.

“Please, dont Shoto-” you whispered hoarsely, “Im-”

Another wave of coughs wracked at your chest, this time the rasps painful against your chest as the vines squeezed. 

Shoto didnt know what to do- how could he help you? There wasn't anything he could do to help, except watch his best friend and love slowly cough her life away. A few petals cascaded out of your mouth, adding to the piles as you heaved air back into your lungs, your knuckles white.

“How, how could you keep this from me?” he asked sadly, ignoring your pleas and pulling you into his lap.

You felt how warm he was, and realized- he did love you. He had been there for you as a child, and he was here for you now, comforting you in your worst moment.

Your heart felt like it was exploding as tears cascading down your face, salty and warm against your skin.

“How-how could I Shoto?” I shuldnt have been so mean to you,” you sobbed, “Im so sorry, so sorry, this is all my fault-”

“Please, no, dont be sorry,” he said softly, his arms cradling your body, “we both have our own faults. I shouldnt have left you for so long, and Im sorry for that, I-” he gulped, his heart beating harshly against his chest.

“I-I do love you,y/n, I do.”

You picked up your head, forcing yourself to look at him- he was so handsome, his mix matched eyes softly looking down at you- he was still the little boy you knew from a child, though, always so calm and sweet.

“I know, Shoto, I just, I-” you gulped, fighting to keep the coughs and sobs at bay.

He sighed, feeling his heart sink. 

“You loved Bakugo, didnt you? Thats why,” he motioned to the petals, “this is happening to you.”

You gave him a shocked look, your eyes wide and glassy. You forgot how observant Shoto could be- you felt your cheeks grow red, realizing now he must have known by the way you stared so much at Bakugo.

“Was-it that noticebale?”

“Y/n,” he sighed, his chest feeling heavy, “very.”

You giggled at his remark, feeling strange for laughing for once. But Shoto was so abrupt with his words, it always made you laugh at his remarks.

 Shoto’s heart soared at your laugh, the sound like chimes against his ears. It died down, the room quickly feeling closed in again.

“I just dont want to do this. I-I want to be friends again. To figure out who were are, without us being forced to be with each other.” you sighed, your heart rattling against your chest. “ I-I want to be with you and marry you- when we decide. Not my father, or your father- I want to be free to choose.”  

You turned to Shoto, your hands touching his cheek.

“I-I did love you-and I still do-Im just so confused, and trapped, and-”

“You just want to be your own person,” he finished your sentence, his voice so much stronger than yours.

He looked down at you, his face surprisingly smiling.

“I think I may have arranged that,”

You jumped up, your face in shock. “H-how? Tell me!” you squealed, not unilke a child, your eyes wide with anticipation.

Shoto grinned at your face, loving how excited you could get so quickly.

“Do you remember my oldest brother?” he asked

“Of course I remember Natsuo! He was always so kind to me as a child,” you reminenscenced, “but how is he going to help us?”

“Well, as it turns out, I spoke to our fathers and my older brother,” he said, a small grin on his face, “they agreed that my brother could rule both kingdoms in my place. By himself, and my sister will accompany him if he ever needs help.”

You sucked in a lung full of air, unable to believe what you had just heard-

 “So that means-”

“We are free to  do what we want now.” 

You yelled in happiness, happy tears cascading on your face as you wrapped his body around yours, “thank yous” spilling out of your lips.

Shoto hugged you back, smiling sadly- he had to admit, it was hard negotiating that new deal. After the night, that remark of how you didnt feel “free” stayed in his brain, haunting him until he found a solution. Knowing it would make you happy made it worth it- even if that meant you could leave him now. He loved you, but if that meant you could be happy with or without him, he would be content with the knowledge that you were finally able to be your own person.

“You can now be yourself,” he said sadly, his eyes staring down at the floor, “and even if that means you do not love me, I accept it. You dont have to feel guilty.”

You looked at the poor boy, his eyes shaded as his bi-colored locks cascaded onto his foreheads. You felt a warmth fill your chest, the sensation soothing and calming as the tightness in your lungs dissappeared. The tickling in your throat seemed to wane slightly. Your hand found his as his eyes instantly rose to meet yours.

“I wont feel guilty,” you smiled gently, “I want to be free- with you.”

Taggings: (if you want to be added, just shoot me an ask or a reply on this post and Ill add you on to my future fics!)

@freckledoriya​ @orokayagi​ @leeeah-loooser​

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. today cleo woke me up before 5 am. 

i had fallen asleep sometime after 1 so i was Not Happy. mom asked me what i  was doing up and i don’t remember if i actually responded or not. i let the dogs outside. wiley was a hassle to get back inside because it was kind of nice out. then as soon as i closed the door behind me and turned around diogi wanted to go outside, because she hadn’t wanted to go outside ten minutes previously. by the time i herded her over to the grass and blocked her off from wandering around the pool the sun was up. 

i went back to sleep even though my body was awake. i think i had craig dreams but they only made me mildly angry. i was mostly frustrated with the people around him. which has been happening in those dreams the last few times i’ve had them over the last, like, year and a half. 

then cleo woke me up by shrieking at 8, and also my alarm went off for some ungodly reason. i booted everyone else out of my bed and out of my room and closed the door. then cleo spent the next literal hour rattling my door and howling. i didn’t want to hurt her or anything, but i did want to cry. by the time she went downstairs to wake someone else up my alarm went off again. i slept in an extra 45 minutes despite the rattling starting up again sometime in the last 15 minutes of my “nap.” 

i was really too tired to do much today. i caught up on some comics, i watched a lot of not-video-game youtube videos, and i started looking up some resources for group-based activities around town. there was something that looked really cool that meets next tuesday... i think it’s all day, or in the evening, so it won’t conflict with therapy.

i had more pesto leftovers with mom. this time i let her start eating way before me so by the time i sat down her concert of disgusting vomit-inducing mouth noises was almost finished. in hell everyone communicates by chewing with their mouths open. the lip-smacking asmr videos make me want to scream and throw my computer.

i don’t actually, like, go and listen to them or anything. but it’s come up before.

sleep deprivation for this many nights in a row (5 i think? 6?) has reduced my patience level to approximately absolute zero. i was having trouble sleeping all year but the last week has been... something special.

i washed my siblings’ bed sheets today instead of dusting. mom wants me to wash all of the sheets every week. i don’t know if that’s really the most efficient use of our water, considering every advice site i’ve looked at has said something along the lines of “washing your sheets every two weeks is great, but once a month or so is also good.” 

maybe there’s no drawbacks to washing your sheets that often. i just don’t know how fast they wear out.

this is bad, but despite telling oz i was too tired to watch a movie, i sat and watched a really long critique of the bbc sherlock show in the late afternoon. i guess part of it was watching something that long by myself i didn’t have to also talk to anyone... 

about halfway through i paused to greet my brother and father as they had returned from their mud run, feed the dogs, and get some thai food with mom. i think i hurt myself trying to eat food that was too spicy... i felt really sick afterward and my stomach is still kind of grouchy with me. even though i am also hungry again because i wasn’t actually full when i stopped eating, i just couldn’t deal with my nerves disintegrating any more.

i keep getting spicy food hoping i’ll develop a better tolerance. i’ve got enough of one to tell different kinds of spices apart and appreciate different “flavors” of “OH GOD WHY IT’S SO HOT IT HURTS” and not get that sick. but the legendary Thai Hot seems to be forever out of my range. Double Thai Hot exists only in rumors. i saw jay get Double Thai Hot once. he caught on fire. and also cried.

i really love the soups that this place makes, but mom doesn’t like the very unique flavors so we didn’t get any. i wouldn’t have ordered the most spice that the cook is willing to give white people if we had gotten soup haha...

ehh, i boxed the leftovers for later. it’s not as good reheated, but i have a strong need for pahd thai and one sitting isn’t going to satisfy me.

oh yeah! around lunchtime i went out and blasted the dogs with the hose. i didn’t brush them afterward because there are five dogs and i didn’t want anyone to get sat on trying to get my brush’s attention. i didn’t take anyone to the mail box today though because it was over 100 even after the sun went down. even i didn’t want to walk the 2 minutes over to the mailbox.

and i maybe figured out what i’m gonna do with that gold bottle cap. i’m gonna slap it on a shiny magikarp and ship him off on the wonder trade. since it has a... less helpful nature (but not as bad as the other two) and no good ivs it will benefit the most from a gold bottle cap, which boosts all your stats to the maximum. all of the pokemon i am hyper training only need half their stats boosted. it’s not too hard to get 3 regular bottle caps, it just takes a while, especially if i am not using the fishing hole because i can’t be bothered to split my attention between film theory and watching my 3ds screen for a 1-second alert that i have to react to.

tomorrow... i gotta email my apartment complex or see if i can find the bed size myself so we can do the new sheets and stuff. and i gotta contact my relatives about my graduation party near the end of july. i think it’s the 23rd. and maybe i will check out one of the social activities available this side of town if i can find one that meets on sundays and is also interesting and/or small enough that it won’t be overwhelming. i would also like to maybe finish the owl picture since i have not worked on that in basically a whole week. and i gotta get this grody nail polish off my fingernails. it can stay on my toenails though because it still looks nice and is also maybe hiding a crack from when i accidentally stomped on my own toes while walking wiley.

it’s kind of weird but i make a very specific series of noises when i am hurt. i think being angry and then disappointed helps me get over the fact that it hurts a little more quickly. like when eve or diogi step on me with their claws, or when i bang my shin against a corner, or when i step on my toes and crack the nail. or burn my hands because the sink water is extremely hot for some reason.

i think... maybe tomorrow i will also try to do one thing from my to-do jar for the first time in over a week. i’ve done most of the major dusting so i will probably only need to devote about 5 minutes to that tomorrow. or maybe i could wipe down the window shades since the duster doesn’t do anything but kick up the dirt.

oh, also marisol is getting back in tomorrow evening so i can finally return her angle and hre devil. whiskey is a good boy. he likes to be picked up and cuddled with, and he is also the size of a small floppy pillow. and also he doesn’t SCREAM AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING WHICH IS A GREAT PERK!!!

it’s about 10 minutes early, but i think i am going to stop soon and get ready for bed. maybe i should take the dogs outside so cleo will wake me up at 6 instead of before 5.

one thing that just occurred to me is that i didn’t feel as depressed today. i mean yeah i felt extremely lethargic and nauseous and i had a headache for literally the whole day no matter how much water i drank. but i also just didn’t put much time into thinking about how bad i feel. i think that is about as good as it gets for me. i don’t know if that’s healthy or not though. since it might just be holding them in instead of dealing with them? i can’t tell if i am avoiding my bad feelings or successfully coping with them. tomorrow i might make some oatmeal cookies... our mixes and doughs are starting to creep up to their expiration dates. asher is getting back in about a week, so i will bake the snickerdoodles around that time. i will have to check for nuts in the mix though. like “this product was made in a facility that also processes nuts” or whatever.

i think maybe trying to jump back on the “doing things” wagon will help me go forward again. and maybe find a goal, since my first one of “learn better cognitive skills to deal with incoming anxiety” got smashed with the whole “you’re not working hard to get better” thing. i guess doing things isn’t working hard. but it keeps me in a better mood than not doing things.

i have ranked my goals in order from “short-term” to “realistically attainable at some point in the future when broken into smaller steps” to “life goals” to “optional bonus round.” well, i don’t really have a lot of goals to put into any of those categories, but i feel that it will be a useful ladder to use if i do find some goals to have. maybe that will help me draw a picture of “who i want to be” which will give me some kind of vague idea of what i should look like in the future? what philosophies are important to me? how do i want to treat other people? what do i think about these and these issues and what am i going to do about them? 

i will try not to overwhelm myself right away and just kind of pick things up as i walk by them for now. and i will keep doing a few stretches during the day. 

maybe, starting on monday or tuesday, i will put some time into trying to feel invested in my writing again. i still remember where a lot of “following that train of thought” needs to happen. after i get everything down for real this time i can start cutting unnecessary things out and making an actual next draft. that’s always the REALLY hard part for me. 

i think i could do that on tuesday. ask for some input from my therapist in specifically feeling more interested in things i create.

ok, now it is just after 12:25. i have now made full use of my allotted journal time and i feel like i maybe got somewhere with it which is nice. now i just gotta pick up all these beans and play the lottery.

[sweetest--melody]

1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 11, 12, 15, 20, 22, 23, 24, 25, 28, 34, the entire misc section, 90, 91, 100, 103, 104, 105, 111, the entire "this or that" section, 156, 160, 165, 166, 178, 180, 186, 188, 196, 198, 200. have fun my dude.

That is a lot wow

LETS DO THIS ANSWERS UNDER THE CUT SO I DON’T KILL EVERYONE’S FEEDS

1: Did you answer all these truthfully?- Same complaint here, they’re all fucking backwards so I’m answering these things in  order but in reverse? So I guess yes?

- FAVORITES -

2: Dog breed:- CHOW CHOW LOOK AT THIS BOOFY FUCKER HE’S LIKE A FLUFFY BEAR

3: Comedian:- Mitch Hedberg 100%

5: Color: - I SEE A RED DOOR I MUST HAVE IT PAINTED   B L A C K

10: Restaurant:- I REALLY like Red Robin. I love a good burger, and all these different varieties are

11: Food:- Man that’s a hard one. Food is just so good. All food.

12: Thing to cook:- I’m not a good cook at all, so something easy; Pancakes. Cause you can always mix those up somehow

15: Day of the week:- Saturday cause it’s the night I like, Saturday night’s alright

20: Holiday:- ITS THE MOST. WONDERFUL TIIIIIME OF THE YEAR

22: Animal:- I. FUCKING. LOVE. DOGS.

23: Website:- https://twitch.tv/autocrossbow ;)

24: Movie:- Six years later, and I still think its Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Wonderfully written with incredible directing and editing, and the choreography is fucking INCREDIBLE.

25: TV show:-

28: Band:- I’m gonna go with Red Hot Chili Peppers. I really like their funk / alt rock style, and the fact that they’re never really the same thing 100% of the time is really nice imo. I just don’t really like their album Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik cause it’s a lot of the same shit.

34: State visited:- I’ve only really been to two or three, but for as awful as it is, my heart will always be in Florida with my friends.

- MISC -

Holy dickballs this is a lot

38: I wish I was a professional:- Journalist. Gotta be the change you want to see in the world, and the thing that needs the biggest change is the journalism industry.

39: I would like to move to:- I don’t really know where specifically, but I would like to live in a city. But not like a REALLY big city, just kind of a city.

40: Last person I got mad at:- Myself, always

41: Have you pre-named your children:- Oh GOD no

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die:- Yes, my bucket list is as follows: “1. Make a bucket list.” I feel like I’m doing a good job.

43: Do you have a 5 year plan:- “Try as hard as I can not to die and see what happens”

44: One person that you wish you could see right now:- Any of my best friends. I love them all and just always want to chill with them.

45: One thing that makes you feel great is:- Masturbation Being told that I’m good at anything honestly. I have extreme self-esteem issues and am constantly telling myself that I’m awful at everything and can’t do anything right (because tbh I can’t).

46: More guy friends or girl friends:- The ratio is like 5:1 b:g

47: Who’s your best friend:- I have a lot of them but #1 I have to say has been @hazzeyfarseer101. We’ve known eachother for a long ass time, and we really connect a lot. I’m just constantly an awkward mess lol

48: Ever been in love:- Only once. It was for a long ass time too, but things just didn’t work out. There’s still a little tinge there but its all surrounded by heartache.

49: Do you want children: - LMAO FUCK THAT

50: Where would you like to be:- Physically or in life? Both of those can be answered with “anywhere but here”

51: My favorite celebrity is:- Dave Motherfucking Grohl

52: My room is:- Small-ish and without a dresser so a bit of a mess.

53: How do you like your steak cooked:- I was a well-done pleb for most of my life but I’ve learned to appreciate a bit of color inside. Favorite is pure Medium.

54: The worst pain I was ever in was:- Sitting on my testicles. I felt it for days. Not fun.

55: Your dream vacation:- Go to Florida, chill with my friends for a week, hit up a Foo Fighters concert

56: Favorite web site:- https://twitch.tv/autocrossbow ;;))

57: TV shows you watch:- Rick and Morty, BoJack Horseman, Parks & Rec, Bob’s Burgers, Dragon Ball (all series, yes including GT and Super)

58: Your hair color is: - Brown, like a tree bark sort of shade

59: The movie I cried at was:- I nearly cried during Moana, entirely because emotionally charged motif music ALWAYS fucking get me feeling things, and emotion is foreign to me so whenever they come up I never know how to handle it. I was also on a date and we were snuggling and holding hands so like everything was in overdrive.

60: I lose all respect for people who:- Cheat. Its abhorrent. NEVER do it.

61: My Car:- Is a 2008 Ford Focus. It gets me where I need to go, but its awful in snow. Ah well, it has an AUX cord.

62: My School:- Looks sketchy and old from the outside, but its a fairly solid place. Its technology is very up-to-date, perfect for a Technical school

63: My computer is:- Getting better and better over time. Like I just got a second monitor and a webcam finally, and its finally strong enough to stream stuff reliably

64: My friends are:- My life. I love every single one of them.

65: Last time I cried:- Someone told me that, while I was practicing singing, I sounded like a dying cat and that someone should shoot me. But what tipped it over to the point of tears is that, instead of defending me, a family member decided that I was being an asshole for getting upset about it and yelled at me and told me that I was ruining Christmas.

66: People that make you happy: - Again, all my friends, and certain members of my family. @ginafleury1 @lovelyheartbeautifulmind

67: The person that makes me cry the most is:- Myself honestly. I do and say and think a lot of stupid shit.

68: The worst sound in the world:- The cracking in someone’s voice when you can tell they’re holding back tears

69: I have these pets:- I don’t have these pets :(

70: Next Weekend:- I’m gonna do the same shit I’m doing this weekend: nothing.

71: Next Summer:- See above

72: Today:- I was supposed to work but I’m sick as hell and its snowing so I called out

73: Tomorrow:- I probably won’t be feeling much better, but more than likely it’ll be the start of recovering from this shit

74: I have/will get a job:- I just bus tables at a family-owned restaurant / event destination. We have two buildings, one primarily for events and the other is the restaurant proper, and I detest being in the restaurant.

75: What are you going to do when you grow up:- lmao I am grown up, its too late for me

76: Right now I am talking to:- All y’all

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: - We have a friend in our group who’s 16 and my favorite joke with them is, whenever someone says anything remotely sexual I chime in “But she’s like 12!” Anyway people say this with me in unison a lot

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:- @shoopdanwoop. He sees ALL

79: First time you had a crush:- Kindergarten. I had a crush on my teacher.

80: The first person i talked to today was:- My mother

81: My zodiac sign is: - Capricorn

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:- NOPE B)

83: The most difficult thing to do is:- Be true to and forgive oneself, and understand others. But I love a good challenge, so I try as hard as I can to do so at all times.

84: People call me:- idk People don’t really talk about me. I’m not really worth noting lol

85: The thing im not looking forward to:- Midlife *shudder*

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:- Charley and Cailan’s wedding. Its happening eventually, its jut a matter of time

87: The last movie I saw:- Moana on that date I was talking about. We were gonna go see Rogue One for my birthday, but we all just played Rock Band for five hours instead

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:- Not paying bills

89: Who makes you laugh the most:- Northernlion, RockLeeSmile, that whole group. They keep me 𝔊𝔯𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔡 𝔦𝔫 𝓡𝔢𝔞𝔩𝔦𝔱𝑦 & 𝔉𝔲𝔩𝔩 𝔬𝔣 𝓡𝔢𝔞𝔩 𝔚𝔬𝔯𝔩𝔡 𝔓𝔯𝔬𝔟𝔩𝔢𝔪𝔰

- [ Last time I ]-

90: Texted: hour ago- Like an hour and a half ago

91: Broke the law: - idk I’m not a big law breaker.

100: Cried in front of someone:- The last time I cried

103: Hugged someone:- My sister and brother before they left after my birthday

- [ Here’s What I Think About ]-

105: My family:- A lot of them are great. Some of them are asshats

111: Work:- I’m not good with people, I don’t get paid shit (12 dollars in combined tips at the end of a night? Fuck all yall), and some of the people I work with are fucking assholes. Lookin at you Vin and a literal fucking NeoNazi

- [ This or That ]-

123: Yankees or Red Sox (don’t judge I actually don’t care either way)

124: Disney or Six Flags

125: Chocolate or Flowers (ok but picture this. Chocolate. Flowers.)

126: Your Birthday or Christmas

127: East Coast or West Coast

128: Manicure or Pedicure (ive never had either but its probably something I should do)

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler

130: Wal-Mart or Target

131: Small town or Big city

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks(who the shit)

133: Coach or Chanel(which one has the less amount of logo slapped on their shit?)

134: Singing or Dancing

135: Burried or cremated (when I die do me like that scene from The Big Lebowski)

136: Hillary or Obama

137: Coke or Pepsi

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor(yo that one never specified personality)

139: Flip flops or high heals(as in which I’d rather wear or which I’d rather see???)

140: Mac or PC

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate

142: McDonalds or Burger King(I like BK burgers better, but McD has better everything else)

143: Curly or Straight hair

144: Oranges or Apples(Its like comparing… wait)

145: Night or Day(They’re as different as… wait)

146: Chocolate or vanilla

147: Autumn or Spring

148: Summer or winter

149: Hot or cold

150: Blondes or Brunettes

151: Red heads or Black haired(can I say both? No? Shit)

152: Phone or Online

153: Drunk or High

154: Hugs or Kisses

- [ I Believe In ]-

156: Orbs: - You could say that

160: Soul mates:- I mean, not in the spiritual sense, but definitely in the “people whose personalities match up so well they were basically made for eachother” sense.

165: Aliens: - The universe is INFINITE and INFINITELY EXPANDING so there’s no way we’re alone on this dirtball

166: Yourself:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

- MISC AGAIN I GUESS -

178: My mom:- does the best she can to provide for everyone and has been through a lot in her life, but tbh she is not a very good person.

180: Marriage is:- a promise and a challenge. It is the ultimate display of love and trust in your partner, a statement that you are entrusting them with your entire life and that you care about them enough to take care of theirs forever. And you get some sweet legal benefits out of it.

186: My best friend:- has opened up a whole world of people and possibilities to me, and I will never forget that. Thank you @hazzeyfarseer101for introducing me to Andrew and Cody and being the gateway to the rest of my life. And just in general being someone great to rap with about random shit like video games, life, philosophy, and just everything and just being a great friend. I dream that I could be as chill and thoughtful and hard-working as you.

188: My bed is: - big and comfortable lol

196: My eye color is:- hazel? Lets go with hazel.

198: I am really:- socially awkward and in a constant state of anxiety and disappointment in myself and the rest of the world.

200: My crush’s name is:- Bella. She’s in my program and we get along really well and she’s super fucking cute, but she has a boyfriend that’s she really doesn’t want to leave (even though he’s left her like twice) so looks like I’m staying on Tinder

[icarus-tirade]

4.29.2021

Oh boi, do I have a shit tonight

1.) My mom pissed me off so badly cause HOW ARE YOU GONNA WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO TELL ME THE PLAN FOR PAYING FOR MY HOUSING FOR COLLEGE?! I ASKED FOR THAT SHIR LAST WEEK AND WE WENT THROUGH LIKE A 3 DAY PROCESS (something that should only take 1 day mind you) SO YOU COULD GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED AND YOU HOLD IN YOUR PLAN UNTIL I FUCKING CALL YOU* AND ASK ABOUT IT AND I FIND OUT THAT YOU HAD DAD DOING IT BUT NEVER TOLD HIM THE FUCKING PLAN?! AND THEN HAVE THE GALLLLLL TO ACT RIMID LIKE IT'S NOT YOUR FUXKIN FAULT THAT NO ONE BUT YOU KNOWS THE PLAN!! AND WHY ARE YOU ACTING BRAND NEW??? Usually what happens when I need money for school is, parents put money on my credit card and then I pay for stuff but this time MOM IS TRYING TO PAY DIRECTLY THROUGH THE SCHOOL?! AND NOT INVOLVE ME, which would be fine IF SHE DIDN'T FUXK IT UP COMPLETELY!!! She tells me it's all been taken care of by dad when I call her today and so I ask to talk to dad cause he sent me some snacks and I wanna say thank you right? So after talking to dad about the snacks he asks me for a link to the school so he can pay for the housing... meaning it hasn't been done yet. And I'm like, well... I'll just type out the convo

Dad: I need a link to the payment thing so I can pay for housing

Me: What link?

Dad: You sent me all your info, and thank you for that, but I need the link too. I don't know what to do and where to go

Me still confused: mom asked for that stuff so I sent it, I don't know why she wanted it and I don't know what link you're talking about

So finally dad calls mom into the room because we BOTH don't know what's happening and that's when mom has a small voice all of a sudden and is like "I thought we could just pay through the school" AND SO NOW IM PISSED AND STRESSED CAUSE IM DESPERATELY LOOKING THROUGH MY EMAIL ANS THE SCHOOL WEBISTE FOR A PAY DESTINATION WHILE TRYING TO KEEP THE ANGER OUTTA MY VOICE AND MY ANGRY/STRESSED TEARS AT BAY DURING MY CONVERSATION WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL TALKING TO MEEEE!!! THEN I FIND IT AND THEY ADD THE MONEY TO MY CARD (my card that's in the truck cause I left it outside by accident) so I put them on hold and run around looking for the keys that papa had in his pocket and Jammie is trying to get me to calm down and explain but I'm pissed and stressed so that's just making it worse* so I pay (and send them a picture of the receipt that mom wants cause I guess she don't trust me now even though I've done nothing to deserve this lack of trust with school money so fuxk her) after getting my shit and go back to talking to dad who I don't wanna talk to anymore cause I'm fed up and trying not to cry

2.) YOU*: they usually call me at least once a week but they been mad silent since last week which is no Bueno cause I need to know if I have the money or not to pay for the fucking fee OR if they have paid for it SO FUXKING CALL ME CAUSE I AINT TRYIN TO CALL YOU! THEY ALWAYS LACKIN WHEN IT COMES TO DOING SHIT FOR ME. I asked mom WEEKS ago if she could get a refill on my medicine and so when I check in today she NOW wants to tell me that there's been complications cause I'm 18 so I kinda need to do it. AGAIN I'd be fine with that IF SHE AINT WAIT THIS LONG DURING ALLERGY SEASON!! THIS IS SHIT I GOTTA KNOW SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING THIS LONG TO SAY SOMETHING?!

3.) Worse*: Jammie LOVES to talk about how trash my dad is depressed or bipolar (he's fuckin not so I really wished she'd stop saying that, IM bipolar so I know he's not she doesn't even know what she's talking about and it irritates me). So when she had me explain what's happening and I rant about mom fucking everything up she starts blaming dad??? She says that they planned what to say when I called and how to act and that my dad is orchestrating the whole thing like,,, no? Were you even listening to me??? So I repeat that MOM is acting brand new and dad and I don't understand what's happening but she continues to tell me that it's dad who's the blame. I tell her dad is not the only bad guy and is not ALWAYS the bad guy, I know he's shit alot of times but he's not always bad he was a good dad once and he still has his good dad moments, but she REFUSES to listen to me! And keeps blaming him and I KNOW it's cause she doesn't wanna view mom, he daughter, as a bad person and wants to put all the blame on dad BUT THATS NOT TRUE AND IM TIRED OF HER PRETENDING!! LISTEN TO WHAT THE FUXK IM SAYING AND STOP LIVING IN YOUR DELUSIONS!

4.) Dad and I were talking and it was fine UNTIL HE SAID HIS DUMBASS STATEMENT ABOUT ME BEEING TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! Ever sense I've gotten diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder he's taken that and RAN with it. But he uses it in the sense that sometimes I'm calm and sometimes I'm angry and just negative (disrespectful, argumentive, defiant, indifferent, and rude) BUT THATS NOW WHAT BIPOLAR IS. Its basically on and off depression and mania. But his favorite statement is "I don't know which you I'm getting" LIKE BITCH SHUT THE FUXK UP YOU CANT EVEN TELL WHEN IM SAD EVEN WHEN I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES YOUR DUMBASS THINKS I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND THEN YOU GET MAD AT ME AND MAKE IT WORSE! He's never said his "favorite statement" UNTILL I got diagnosed so I KNOW IT'S CAP. YOU DONT KNOW ME SO DONT PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND ME ALL OF A SUDDEN! YOU'RE FAKE AS FUXK! And this was all sparked because I asked if I could watch a show now that I'm 18 and he was like "Wow! She's respectful!" BITCH IVE ALWAYS BEEN RESPECTFUL IM JOT ACTING NEW IM ACTING THE SAME SO WHY ARE YOU TRIPPIN' ??? He said he was surprised I asked because he didn't think I cared about their opinion but literally thats all I cared about!? I acted and behaved in a way that would make them happy and praise me because I constantly wanted validation that I was a good kid, that they loved and cared for me, and that I wasn't a problem and inconvenience because I was alive. SO HE'S FUCKIN STUPID AND THAT PISSED ME OFF AFTER I CALMED DOWN. "I dOnT kNoW wHaT yOu Im GetTiNG" LIKE BITCH AHUT THE FUXK UP!! YOU SOUND MAD STUPID

5.) Broski if you see this, I wanna explain my "cowardice" earlier today. Look bro, I view my rant Tumblr as a diary of some sorts. That's why I changed my little description/bio to a quote joke about Journaling from my therapist cause I view this as my Journaling so I can better manage my feelings and get them out in a way that's not harmful to me. With that being said, announcing "Lets read ______ tumblr" is gonna immediately activate my fight or flight. These rants are private and personal to me. I've literally described it as like take a trip or look into the doors of my mind. Sharing my feelings and opinions are always scary to me because I'm afraid of being looked at in a negative light you know cause childhood trauma. You know I'm afraid to share my feelings bro. Let's uh, go back to the question "How much do you trust your friends" and I trust yall a Hella lot but I don't trust ANYONE 100% with my feelings except me. NO ONE. So with that being said, knowing that'd you he actively reading my rant Tumblr with me there was too much and I didn't like it at all. I find that extremely stressful and it made me wanna instantly draft all my recent shit. The main reason I let you look at this Tumblr is because I DONT KNOW WHEN you're looking at it. You might not see it until weeks later so I don't worry about it, you might forget all about it, but if you tell me you're currently reading it or when you're going to read it, then my anxiety kicks in and I panic and fight the urge to edit everything and hide anything that might stand out as weird or bad to anyone else. So yeah, please never let me know you're about to read my rant Tumblr again unless I tell you to specifically look at a post :) also the reason I didn't text you this was because 1.) I never really planned to explain myself cause I didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation and it was hard/long to type out or say anyways and 2.) Because of the stuff that happened in sections 1, 2, 3, and 4. I didn't feel like talking to anyone after that.

[wildlyhardphilosopher-blog]

Dog Walking Training | Best Tips & Methods

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Dog Walking Training | Best Tips & Methods

Once your dog consistently moves away from the first treat and gives you eye contact when you say the command, you’re ready to take it up a notch. For this, use two different treats — one that’s just all right and one that’s a particularly good smelling and tasty favorite for your pup. Lost + Found Report Animal Cruelty Call 1300 4 777 22 A qualified obedience trainer is a person who is a current member of one of the organisations approved by the Minister (listed above). The trainer must have completed – to the satisfaction of that organisation – a training course approved by the Minister administered by that organisation. Dog Facts To sign up, fill our the form below and click enter once your done * Free standard shipping only applies to most major metropolitan regions. You may be charged for shipping if your delivery address is not within a major metropolitan region. May not be valid with other discounts or offers and excludes gift cards and large items such as kennels, fish tanks and cat scratchers. Terms, conditions and exclusions of this offer are subject to change at PETstock’s discretion. Earn 15% Brand Cash on any participating brands of premium food or flea, tick and worming treatment to use when you next shop the same brand for dog or cat. Mutts with Manners: Advanced Dog Training Classes [email protected] Approved obedience training organisations Our classes are small with lots of individual help and assistance. Mia : Why Should I Train My Dog? Support 5 comandos esenciales que puedes enseñar a tu perro Free Dog Training tips and advice Tool Definition About SA Click & collect Breed Match Body Language Great Family Pet Attendance · 29 September 2017 The 1980 television series Training Dogs the Woodhouse Way made Barbara Woodhouse a household name in the UK, and the first international celebrity dog trainer.[25] Known for her “no bad dogs” philosophy, Woodhouse was highly critical of “bad owners”, particularly those she saw as “overly sentimental”.[26] She described the “psychoanalyzing of dogs” as “a lot of rubbish”.[27] Her no-nonsense style made her a pop-culture icon, with her emphatic “sit” and catch cry of “walkies” becoming part of the popular vernacular.[28] Course Length: 7wks Monday to Friday – 7:30am to 5:00pm (EST) Our Classes Media centre Topics Inclement weather Free Dog Training tips and advice             – Immediate access to Homework Sheets and Training Notes for your course heeling or walking with handler Media Releases How to prevent your puppy from doing damage or getting into mischief Pricing & member benefits Rottweiler Sale Dog Training Insight Large Tanks Agility Trials The Impact You Can Make This can help keep your dog safe when his curiosity gets the better of him, like if he smells something intriguing but possibly dangerous on the ground! The goal is to teach your pup that he gets something even better for ignoring the other item. Home What we do Care for Animals Dog Care Dog Training Tips and Videos Fun stuff In home and private puppy training tailored to your specific needs and the whole family can be involved. I LIKED THIS STORY Walk calmly on a lead The Guard Dog Training Centre welcomes National and International group bookings, buses welcome. Click to view the recent Japanese Visitors Photo Gallery. Japan To make an appointment contact Urban Dog Training via email or telephone. Please find safe ways to exercise your puppy too! As your puppy’s pack leader, you must help to expend their energy in a productive way. For all dogs, this means a daily walk. How you can help For the purpose of the Schedule of the Act, dogs that have undergone obedience training which comply with the Regulations will receive a reduced registration fee with their Council. Animal behaviorists assert that using dominance to modify a behavior can suppress the behavior without addressing the underlying cause of the problem. It can exacerbate the problem and increase the dog’s fear, anxiety, and aggression. Dogs that are subjected to repeated threats may react with aggression not because they are trying to be dominant, but because they feel threatened and afraid.[70] Certificate IV in Companion Animal Services – 2016 students Jump up ^ Seligman, Martin E. P.; Steven F. Maier and James H. Geer (1968). “Alleviation of Learned Helplessness in the Dog”. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. 73 (3): 256–262. doi:10.1037/h0025831. PMID 5658526 Class Three Click here to read more about us Coming back when called I enjoyed doing the training as it was well laid out and very practical, just waiting for my permanent visa to emigrate to Australia and get the chance to use my white card. – Jeff Cowler Adelaide Plains Kennel & Obedience Club Every effort should be made to avoid punishment for new puppies as it is generally unnecessary and can lead to avoidance of family members, at a time when bonding and attachment is critical. By preventing problems through confinement or supervision, providing for all of the puppy’s needs, and setting up the environment for success, little or no punishment should ever be required. If a reprimand is needed, a verbal “no” or a loud noise is usually sufficient to distract a puppy so that you can then redirect the puppy to the correct behaviour. Reviews Leader of the Pack Course Length: 7wks KID 5: If they get scared or in a frightful situation or if they’re overwhelmed, you work with those areas particularly around their ears. You can also work their little paws as well, that seems to calm them down. Community Domestic Violence program Search in title Coffs Harbour Shelter Carriers & Doors HOME mini-courses and seminars Email Address * Donate Books & Videos Phone 07 3459 2121 Community and education This page was created in 0.0785729885101 seconds I found the online course very easy to navigate and informative and the personal follow up to complete section 5 was unexpected but greatly appreciated! Will recommend to others. – Kim Taylor Lucky Dog Artificial Plants This behavioural training session will take approx. 1 hour. After 1-2 weeks, Leanne will contact you to make an appointment where she will explain her analysis and the recommendations, which you can put into place. Blue Dog Training on Twitter Phone: (08) 8642 3308 Dog desexing Tanks – Joshua Pratt Typical positive reinforcement events will satisfy some physiological or psychological need, so it can be food, a game, or a demonstration of affection. Different dogs will find different things reinforcing. Negative reinforcement occurs when a dog discovers that a particular response ends the presentation of an aversive stimulus. An aversive is anything that the dog does not like, such as verbal admonishment, or a tightened choke chain.[39] Mary Parker Training We’ll send you an email within 60 minutes, as soon as your purchase is ready for collection. Visit us when convenient to pick up your order during store trading hours. To be honest I don’t think there is anything I could say to improve the White Card course. It was very Informative and clear. Simple to understand the explanations. I am very happy with this course as it is the best online course I have done to date. Kittens 05 Dec 2017 9:58:00am What to do if you find stools or urine in an inappropriate spot? How To Train A Puppy PPGA Groodle,  Bulldog, Chihuahua, Shih Tzu, Yorkshire Terrier, Border Collie Certificate IV – Companion Animal Services – 2015 Students Copyright © 2018 · All Rights Reserved · Amy’s Puppy Preschool Dogs must be under the effective control of a competent person by means of an adequate chain, cord or leash. Algebra Data Probability – FREE From here, the pups will move in with their puppy raising families for a year of serious guide dog training. And while it’ll be hard for these guys to say goodbye to their little friends, they know they’ll go on to make a huge difference to the lives of others! Puppies that are not supervised and rewarded for outdoor elimination, but are constantly being disciplined and punished for indoor elimination, may soon begin to fear to eliminate in all locations in your presence. These puppies do not associate the punishment with indoor elimination; they associate the punishment with the presence of the owners. Understand more about your dogs’ behaviour. Positions Vacant Rescue and Rehabilitate DOG TRAINING THAT’S TAILORED TO YOUR NEEDS Our classes are small with lots of individual help and assistance. Jump up ^ Dudman, Helga (1996). The Dog’s Guide to Famous Owners: A Walkies Through History with Some Very Important Pooches. London: Robson. Salisbury Highway Veterinary Surgery Why Should I Train My Dog? We specialise in construction training from schools to trades to contracting and builders licences. 11 November 2016 · The term “observational learning” encompasses several closely related concepts: allelomimetic behavior or mimicking where, for example, puppies follow or copy others of their kind; social facilitation where the presence of another dog causes an increase in the intensity of a behavior; and local enhancement which includes pieces of social facilitation, mimicking, and trial-and-error learning, but is different from true observational learning in that the dog actively participates in the behavior in the presence of the other dog and/or other environmental cues.[53] Four necessary conditions for observational learning are: attention, retention, motivation, and production. That is, the dog must pay attention to the dog or person performing the modelled behavior; retain the information gathered about the behavior during the observation; be motivated to reproduce the behavior in a time and place removed from the original; and finally, produce the behavior, or some reasonable facsimile thereof.[53] Topics George was great – pointed us all in the right direction, showed us very clearly how to get our dogs to do what we needed them too – even if he made it look too easy (was really impressed with how muc…h authority he held over my dogs in just a few minutes!!). We had booked him for 2 hours, but he had done what he needed after an hour. I really appreciated that he didn’t drag our session out to the 2 hours just to get the $$. See more To check the availability of Urban Ultimate Recall course in Carindale (available in Carindale only) please click here. To enrol… read more han : Costs RSPCA South Australia promotes the use of Force-Free dog training methods. Below you will find a PDF list of South Australian Force Free Trainers and their details. Classroom 17 : 5. Did you use the webcam option in the course for ID verification? Toy Browse the directory using the A-Z index of services – select the service that you want, then the organisations that provide the service will be displayed Shipping & Delivery Working At Heights 99.6% of our clients think that their dog responded to the training. You will be shown how to fulfil your dog’s true needs and create a more rewarding relationship with them. Jump up ^ Woodhouse 1982, p. 13. Corporate Support Your Place About Sit Drop Stay Dog Grooming Services Oran park, New South Wales Contact Heat Stress By the time you reach Level 4, your dog should be pretty well trained. But there’s always room for improvement! This class works on off leash skills – staying close, recall away from dogs, being settled while other dogs are playing very close and more.  Your dog will be able to learn more advanced tricks and solve tougher brain games. You might be aiming to compete or just love spending time with your dog – the end result is a great team built on mutual respect and great times together. Our dedicated team is here to help Interactive Toys & Puzzles Events facebook Jump up ^ Lindsay 2000, p. 253. Web: www.positiveresponse.net.au

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fbq('track', 'ViewContent', content_ids: 'dogtraining.dknol', ); Corporate Support First, ask your dog to “Sit.” An Insight Into the Industry- Part Two Corporate Support Your Place View our answer to this and previous questions Price match promise Please arrive at 6.45pm with your dog. An instructor will assess your dog and provide details of the program and an enrolment form. Payment of the appropriate fee is required before you return the following week to commence training. Your industry experts Our systems have detected unusual traffic from your computer network. Please try your request again later. Why did this happen? Port Adelaide Obedience Dog Club McGreevy, P., and R. Boakes (2011). Carrots and Sticks: Principles of Animal Training, Sydney: Darlington Press (02) 9770 7555 Special Member Offers Owning a Pet We had a session with Brett at the end of January to address a couple of behavioural issues with our 11month old standard poodle, Leroy. We can not rave enough about how thankful we are, we now have a… dog that listens, does not jump all over our guests including very excited little children. We have been able to have kids running through the house and Leroy stays on his bed until invited to come join us instead of being banished outside. It is fantastic, we now can have him enjoy being part of the family on all occasions! Thank you Brett and Sitdropstay � See more We currently offer dog training classes at Carina State School on Creek Road, Carindale. We have access to multiple undercover areas, three ovals, media rooms for seminars and a fully fenced basketball court for the FREE Urban Play Groups. No un-vaccinated dogs are on the premises ensuring the safest environment possible. Site Design by Comfusion This venue is undercover, fully lit and fully fenced. The floors are cleaned and disinfected to make them safe for unvaccinated puppies. Dog Training Tools | Step by Step Available Here Dog Training Tools | Take A Look At This Now Dog Training Tools | Take A Look Now Legal | Sitemap

[slipperysoap]

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1. Is a kiss considered cheating?? yeah?? 2. Have you ever faked orgasm?im two3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?please god make me invisible already4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?fuckign No5. Tell us some funny drunk story.one time when i was drinking with my sister and some of her friends, one of them pulled out these gloves with led lights in them and fucking. we sat there for an hour watching him rave alone to country music its not that funny to talk about actually6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?we stressed each other out a lot because we were both in pretty bad places at the time and honestly probably not that ready for a relationship7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? im not picky8. What are your current goals?my what9. Do you like someone?i get crushes on someone new like. every week. im just hopelessly in love always 10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?me but the time before that??? also me11. Do you like your body?:)12. Can you keep a diet?i dunno, ive never tried to diet. probably not though13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?please fuckign buy my art14. Do you work?no but i should 15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?Cake. 16. Would you get a tattoo?yeah but itd be hard picking a place for it. and deciding what i want. and sitting through the whole thing. and dealing with the anxieties of getting a possible infection 17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?id say my friends but like. i never have any money18. Can you drive?CAN I (no)19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?either last week or the week before20. What was the last thing you cried for?i dont know but it was probably something i made up in my head21. Do you keep a journal?not like. an official one or anything. but i keep an art journal and thats full of some personal stuff i guess 22. Is life fun?:/23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?if other people do it. if i do it somebody better shoot me on sight 24. What’s your dream car?a fuckign herse25. Are grades in school important?i mean. yeah. but also no26. Describe your crush.medium boy with soft looking hair and a really nice profile27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?come back to me28. What was your last lie?'do any work today?' 'yeah' 'really??' 'Yeah'29. Dumbest lie you ever told? all of them. every single one. 30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing?doing anything in front of people is embarrassing to me. i cant even breathe without feeling humiliated31. Something you did and you are proud of?whatever it was i bet nobody noticed32. What’s your favourite cocktail?never had one sorry 33. Something you are good at?Come Back To Me34. Do you like small kids?no but ill be nice to them anyway because kids deserve good childhoods and im not going to be that person who screwed up a small kid35. How are you feeling right now?:)c36. What would you name your daughter/son?alf37. What do you need to be happy?COME BACK TO ME38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?heres looking at you, Josh 39. What was the last gift you received?a music box from my gma. it has this little cat wearing bows and ruffles that moves (but also sometimes doesnt) and consistently looks strung out40. What was the last gift you gave?i gave my brother a drawing of his oc + some of his friends ocs awhile back bc he loves them and i love him 41. What was the last concert you went to?ive never been to a concert and its depressing 42. Favourite place to shop at?earthbound. they have great shirts of cats in space43. Who inspires you?max fleischer, dr seuss, stephen gammell, that one lady my mom met in a mental wing of a hospital (i dont know her name, she didnt sign the one drawing of hers i have), some other people we dont have time formostly illustrators/animators/anyone who makes anything visual44. How old were you when you first got drunk?i wanna say... fourteen?? 45. How old were you when you first got high?i wanna say fifteen46. How old were you when you first had sex?when i had what47. When was your first kiss?pre k tbh48. Something you want to do until the end of this year?im not super into the idea of doing anything like. ever?49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?So Many Things50. Post a selfie.pay me

[this-blog-should-not-exist]

It’s a blog for a reason

Idk if i’ll keep up with this actually or not but its a blog for a reason, they’re places were you can talk about whatever the fuck you want. I said Id do the same thing with my personal blog but also I follow some friends on that blog and they probably don't want to hear about the stuff I get up to or my little depressive episodes. I mean sure they’ll show their concern but that only goes so far I guess. 

Idk I mean it’s just a place for me to talk, I once started a google docs document where I had the idea to start writing like a guide? i guess you could call it but where I would write the name of someone I knew, one of my friends, a family member, ex boyfriends, whoever then I would create an entry of who they were, their interactions with me, my relationship with them and what I thought of them or their like defining character traits or actions that stood out to me. The benefit with this though I guess is that I can just type whatever comes to mind as i type it. Sometimes it could be organized and tie into older posts if I keep up with it or it could just be on the fly stories and recollections of thing that have happened to me or what I’m feeling at the time. Ive meant or at least had the idea to actually physically write this or start a journal where I could do the same thing but that would take me much longer to do where typing I can do much faster and get more thoughts out. Plus writing for so long and about so much makes my hand hurt after a while and I can’t talk about all I wanted to because I can't keep writing. I don't have that problem with typing XD

I guess I could start with some recent events that have been on my mind. So I guess about like 2 months ago? I had gotten a Tinder. That in itself was an event XD Ive always been both curious and scared of it because in my mind meeting someone on tinder doesn't feel as genuine when meeting someone by chance or passing or words between friends to meet someone new. But I had gotten one and within a few weeks I had made quite a few matches, however none of them seemed really into it. Half of them never messaged me back and only seemed to be there for the sake of getting a match, others may have talked back but didn't seem interested in trying to start something or meet up for a date. I had finally gotten one guy to go on a date with me, I had never really talked to him but Ive seen his face around because we had some friends within the same social group but like I said, never really met or talked to him only seen him on like instagram before. We had gone on one date and texted a bit but he just wasnt for me. I called him a “real flower child” is the best way I can describe it. Now I don't mean to offend anyone but also who the fuck is gonna read all this, this is only my first like text blog post no one really cares its more for me to get this out. Anyway I call him a real flower child because he's very outdoorsy and loves nature and Lana Del Ray and has the whole nose ring piercing, curly hair, circular glasses, he actually said once “the world make me sad” as he took a bath with candles and a bath bomb, he also said “wine makes me cry” which I mean ok maybe wine does make people drunk cry but still its all about his aesthetic. Its a fun aesthetic but that’s just not for me.

After him I had an occasional match but I ran into the same problem where either no one wanted to talk and was just there for a match or they never seemed interested. I had given up on the app really but I kept it around because in the back of my head I'm thinking like alright, its all good, I'm a patient person it just takes some time, you never know I may meet someone actually, and then last week I matched with two guys. One that lives on the other side of Columbus and one that lives just outside of Easton. The one on the other side of Columbus is really cute and had a lot of the same interests and is just kinda quirky and fun, I just haven't met him yet but we both want to meet up. Now the other one I’ll just say J, he lives outside of Easton and I went on my first date with him on Sunday. It was a good day, we had wandered around Easton, gone out to eat and saw a movie. He also has a lot of the same interests as me, video games, some anime, youtube, but thats about it actually now that I think about it. He's a little rough, like more aggressive but in a sarcastic way I guess. But we vibe well together i feel. Shorter than me, has contacts, wears glasses occasionally mostly at home really. He's 21 as well which I mean sure Im 19 but I guess thats where Im also attracted to him because he's a little older, he’s more mature than some of my past boyfriends but also has a childish side like me. Thats where we’re similar. We went and saw Mother! which I guess was supposed to be a phycological thriller but it was really dumb to us, it didn't make much sense. I was during the movie where I first kissed him, I had wanted to earlier as well but I didn’t feel like it was right yet. It made me laugh though that that was the movie we saw and decided ah yes, this is a good movie to kiss and cuddle and hold hands to. 

After the movie I didn't quite want to leave yet because I was getting pretty attached to him that night so we went back to his apartment for the night. I watched him play Skyrim for a bit, he let me try out Overwatch while him and his roommate had gone to get her some pizza. Which I thought like alrighty, this is okay, just leave me alone at your apartment even though I literally just physically met you today. They came back after like a half hour, eventually me and him went back to his room, we made out for a good while on and off. He wanted to take a bath together which I had never done before. My last boyfriend had suggested it but I never really wanted to much. We got the water running for a second but I was really anxious, I had gotten my shirt off but I didn't take off my pants. He was already in his underwear, it took me a second but eventually he also kinda forced me as in getting close and kissing me then pulling down my shorts and underwear. I was really awkward at that point. It took me like 2 months before my last boyfriend had seen me naked and no one before him has seen me naked, its just not my thing its weird, I just don't like it much. But anyway so we had gotten in the shower instead, I was still pretty anxious. My legs were shaking I was hugging my body, it was just generally uncomfortable but within a few minutes I had mostly gotten over it. It just make me feel really weird. After the shower we got out and just laid on his bed for a bit still naked. I had gotten over it by that time but there was still some after feelings that I guess I didn't notice as much since we were making out again. Eventually we but our underwear back on and a t shirt and went to bed after about another hour or so.

The next morning we just stayed in bed really until I had to leave to go back home because mom was wondering where I was, I had texted her last night that I was staying there with him so that was taken care of. Eventually I got home and that was that. He had actually invited me to a party one of his coworkers was having that night but I had already stayed with him one night and I had to but up early the next morning for work so I told him no I couldn't which of course he was pouting over a little but in a playful way that you would when your flirting with someone. So that night I actually ended up going to a party at my other friends house till like 1am but THAT was ok because he only lived like 5 minutes away from home compared to an hour that J lived. That was  Monday night, the first date was Sunday and I stayed with J Sunday night. I worked early on Thursday morning but then he came out to my house that afternoon. We played some Mario Kart Double Dash at my house then drove out to my friends house Ive been housesitting for to technically grab some wires for my Wii but then we ended up taking another bath in their huge bathtub with jets for about an hour and a half which was nice. I was used to being naked with J by now. We watched some youtube while in the bath, made out for a bit again. Then we got dressed and drove back to my house. By the time we got back it was about 1am when I wanted to get to bed because between Sunday and Monday night I had gotten about 8 hours of sleep total. So he left and that was Tuesday. Now yesterday, Wednesday I worked again early in the morning, then I went back out to Columbus and saw J again for a few hours, we played some gamecube again, I went with him to get groceries, then me and him went out to eat. Came back and laid in his bed in our underwear again watching youtube and cuddling and kissing until it was about 11:30 then I went home again. 

Idk what to make of J, I like him, he's the farthest Ive been on a first date thats for sure. I enjoy his company but do I? Or is it just because I haven't had any sort of attention like this in almost 6 months? Like I had said we share some similar interests. Video games, some music, a little bit of anime and legos. He's pretty sweet with me but also he's a little more aggressive than me, which I mean Im okay with kinda. challenge me a little, don't be afraid to playfully challenge and fight me. But don't be an ass about it. Idk theres the other kid on the other side of Columbus who I've been snap chatting as well but Ive been giving J most of my attention. 

[allhallows-art]

Answer all the questions. Or the ones you want to answer! :D

oh boi ill try to do all of them

1. What is you middle name?

I could make up something cool like Danger or Thunder but it’s Grace2. How old are you?

16 although I’m 17 in april3. When is your birthday?

april 25th4. What is your zodiac sign?

taurus5. What is your favorite color?

I like most colours at different times. certain colours I like just for my hair, theres ones I like for my clothes, and theres others I just like looking at6. What’s your lucky number?

13 and 377. Do you have any pets?

a rabbit, a dog, a tortoise and three hamsters8. Where are you from?

blackpool, england9. How tall are you?

like 5′410. What shoe size are you?

6/7 (uk womens)11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

idk ive got like five in my room but way more in a closet somewhere12. What was your last dream about?

no clue13. What talents do you have?

I’m pretty good at gcse maths. also art, I guess14. Are you psychic in any way?

kinda. whenever I wake up and can feel that it’ll be a bad day, it usually is always a bad day. like real bad15. Favorite song?

anything from Tourist History by Two Door Cinema Club. its the only album I can listen to not matter what16. Favorite movie?

Jurassic park17. Who would be your ideal partner?

idk someone that appreciates me for me, enjoys my humor but can also tell when my “jokes” aren’t jokes18. Do you want children?

right now? no. in the future? maybe.19. Do you want a church wedding?

idk how I feel about weddings like lotta money and shit20. Are you religious?

nope21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yeah 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

kinda. I was at a party once and there were too man complaints so the cops turned up and we all had to leave. the person who had the party had to talk to the cops but I did too bc they were drunk and I was like the only sober person there23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

maybe idk do youtubers count?24. Baths or showers?

showers25. What color socks are you wearing?

none but usually black26. Have you ever been famous?

don’t think so27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

not big. i’d enjoy to have a little fame. like in the sense of a small following that enjoys the shit I do. like those popular tumblr blogs. being a recognisable blog might be cool28. What type of music do you like?

lotta stuff. grime street stuff, cutesy sort of stuff, indie, rock, pop punk29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

nope30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

two31. What position do you usually sleep in?

curled up or fully spread out32. How big is your house?

uh idk how big is your dick33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

nothing. no time34. Have you ever fired a gun?

no way35. Have you ever tried archery?

yep36. Favorite clean word?

indeed37. Favorite swear word?

fuk38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

like 24 hours maybe? idk I just went a whole night without sleep and didn’t sleep until the next night39. Do you have any scars?

yeah boi. from old scabs and shit40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

no idea. if yes then they were very secret about it. ive never had any sort of admirer. ive never had anyone properly like me41. Are you a good liar?

yea I do it a lot for the stupidest little things42. Are you a good judge of character?

idk43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

I guess I can do american44. Do you have a strong accent?

don’t think so45. What is your favorite accent?

Ü46. What is your personality type?

no clue. ask other people. you’ll get a better opinion47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

idk I dont really get expensive shit48. Can you curl your tongue?

yea49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie50. Left or right handed?

right51. Are you scared of spiders?

sometimes52. Favorite food?

chicken53. Favorite foreign food?

pizza54. Are you a clean or messy person?

messy55. Most used phrased?

I’m a mess56. Most used word?

lmao57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

10 minutes minimum58. Do you have much of an ego?

probably59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

suck until I get bored60. Do you talk to yourself?

yep61. Do you sing to yourself?

yep62. Are you a good singer?

maybe idk63. Biggest Fear?

being alone, friendship wise. and I’m currently living that fear64. Are you a gossip?

probably65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

idk don’t really watch shit66. Do you like long or short hair?

both67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuk no68. Favorite school subject?

art?69. Extrovert or Introvert?

both?70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no71. What makes you nervous?

a lot of stuff72. Are you scared of the dark?

not unless its a small space73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

maybe?74. Are you ticklish?

yea75. Have you ever started a rumor?

I once made people pretend this girl was dead so whenever she tried to speak to use we’d be all like “omg I can still hear her as if shes here”. we did that for a whole week and acted as if it never happened the next week76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

idk77. Have you ever drank underage?

m8 I’m british of course78. Have you ever done drugs?

nope79. Who was your first real crush?

Abraham Lincoln. and I’m not even fucking joking. 10 year old me was the best me. 80. How many piercings do you have?

just tiny ear stretchers81. Can you roll your Rs?“

yeah but terribly82. How fast can you type?

very83. How fast can you run?

depends what I’m running for84. What color is your hair?

purple85. What color is your eyes?

grey/blue86. What are you allergic to?

nothing, I don’t think87. Do you keep a journal?

I tried and failed88. What do your parents do?

mum does office job shit, stepdad is retired and my actual dad works in a biscuit factory89. Do you like your age?

sure whynot90. What makes you angry?

a lot91. Do you like your own name?

nope that’s why I use Aleks92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

yeah I have. its fucking lame. but I like stupid names like Wednesday or Ranger. 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

idk surprise me94. What are you strengths?

I can cry a lot95. What are your weaknesses?

I cry a lot96. How did you get your name?

Aleks came from a youtuber. but my birth name is from an actress97. Were your ancestors royalty?

idk98. Do you have any scars?

this is already a previous question wtf yes99. Color of your bedspread?

monochromes100. Color of your room?

greys