#and i am just completely drained
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Whelp, I am officially overworked since last week. Had a breakdown, couldn’t think, felt empty as hell. But, here I am getting there.
#mistress blabbling#a lot of shit happend but i am doing everything that i can#on doctors orders i have to stay home and not work at all#which is something i am still trying to come to terms with#and my boss is a sweetheart though but it’s not just from this job#i had so many jobs in a short time and everytime i had to proof my ass again and again#new people#and i am just completely drained#i just hated it so much having to leave a job because they get rid of you when they have a year that’s not going well for them#i haven’t slept so good in a long time#i just want a stable life is that too much to ask?#i’ll see what the future brings#one step and then another#so i am just gonna chill and i’ll see what 2024 is gonna bring me
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Shaak Ti and her tiny charges join the Hades AU, complete, with colourful little highlights and a dialogue box this time (and an alternate version under the cut where I tried my hand at taking the shade/Force-ghost aspect a little further than I did with Fives)
"There is no doubt that Grogu is an exceptional youngling, but I cannot take him on as a Padawan no matter how much I may wish that I could. My duty is to look after the clones as they grow and learn - we cannot just abandon them once their war is over. As a Mandalorian you must understand this. However, I would gladlyassist in your quest in any other way I can."
Linear timeline who? Rex can have a mighty white beard and then look spry and blond simultaneously, there is teenager Omega and Boba sitting on his throne on Tatooine, so just don't worry about it XD Have three of my clone OCs as baby cadets and enjoy how cute they are instead.
#my art#hades au#shaak ti#sw fanart#star wars fanart#tcw fanart#clone troopers#clone ocs#clone cadets#the clone wars fanart#look I have clone ocs too! XD I'd thought I'd never see the day but here we are#I just noticed that poor Ray has a lot bigger forehead than Slider or Goldie lol#as if he didn't have it hard enough being permanently the shortest one XD#I'm not completely sold on the shade look but i had to try#I could have pushed a lot more but I was already hurting for erasing so much of them TT^TT#I am so so happy with how Shaak Ti came out!!!#I had a bit of a crisis with the colours but they turned out so nice in the end!#even if tumblr drained a bit of my reds again#Her lekku especially god they look so nice imo! similar but still different from Ahsoka's which was the goal#I wanted to draw her montrals taller but... I really needed to fit her on the page and next to that text box with some details showing okay
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you ever get so tired and stressed you literally could cry because of how tired and stressed you are
#yesterday I spent the day in bed#and today I almost woke up crying because of how exhausted I felt#I really really really wish I could have less patients per day but I know this won't change#but it completely drains me of energy after a while#I love talking to patients but sometimes it's too much#too many people#too many demands#too many things I have to do#too many things I cant do for ppl that need them#sometimes I just wanted to get under my covers and pretend I am a little animal hiding#I dont know for how much longer I can just buy trinkets to keep the horrors away 😭#anyway........... HARUCORE AM I RIGHT FELLAS?#rambles
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#radiohead#kid a#how to disappear completely#not a high quality recording bc it's the shitty one i got from youtube mp3 when i was a teenager.#song has a very special place in my heart. i already mentioned this from the gifs from the fan music video#that initial drone from the ondes martenot just drains the color from the air. but man it's soothing when youre under stress. and i am rn.#also sorry for the silence in the beginning i am at war with tumblrs stupid audio recognition algorithm
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adding to my tags because i’ve been thinkin a lot about the post i just reblogged and have more thoughts:
i’ll be real, the more i saw ‘hey adhd influencers are so annoying’ the more i worried that i was unconsciously contributing to the spreading reputation of adhd folks as annoying and over-pathologizing every symptom they experience
and then i realized. i am not a goddam influencer or life coach or representative. obviously i have some obligation as someone who cares about myself and the people that like my comics to not spread harmful ideology or blatant misinformation but i never intended myself to be a “’increase your productivity!!’ blog OR a ‘if you have XYZ you have adhd!’ blog. and i do this for fun, and originally started this blog bc i had a lot of internalized shame and self loathing about my adhd and thought if i could make it funny i might have less of that. let’s get real! and it worked!
i’ve obviously done this kind of thing— (hey these symptoms might be adhd!) a lot before in my life & on this blog, but there’s more to it than trying to be an “influencer” or whatever. a term that didn’t even exist when i started this blog!
i felt very isolated trying to find out if i had any mental problems & what have you originally because of large advice (etc) blogs with staunchly anti self Dx views at the time
so i overcorrected when i DID get dxed and tried to validate everyone who was like me. and of course. not the best course of action always for the ol mental health. tried to be the source of positivity and jokes that i didn’t see because the online adhd presence was near non-existent.
and anyway. i make a lot of fun of myself & the way m brain works in my comics obviously but it is not my obligation to... how do you say.... not be annoying online.
because if folks interpret MY little jokes as a strict guide to diagnosis. that’s on them, really, not me. i also believe “making adhd your entire personality” is a non-issue. so what if people find out they have it and get over excited with identifying as adhd. saying this as someone who DID do it. criticism of this gives the same vibes as people being annoyed that young queers make “being queer” their whole personality. im very obviously more than a guy with adhd, and id reckon other adhd comic artists are too. (im friends with a lot of them!) it’s fine to post about it online.
anyway. i just don’t take myself too seriously and i’m a comic artist for myself first! and you know what, i’ve been considered annoying my entire life. what do i care if a few more folks think i’m annoying. neurotypical or not
#i think the article did have some good points especially on the capitalism and marketing angle but i oft think it did venture into#being mad at individual folks who post jokes about adhd. which is literally fine thats what an opinion piece is for lol#i am just very tired of people pretending that a lot of reaction to online adhders is not in itself just an extension of the ableism#we already were facing#'adhd people are so annoying everyone does this youre pathologizing everything' ok and how exactly are you helping.#i hesitate to throw my hat in with hating on adhd tiktok because i am simply not on tiktok and have no way to back up my thoughts#that they may be annoying and oversimplifying a complex disorder on the 'drains your attention span' website.#and i think perhaps the value of each adhd resource varies widely depending on who made it and what theyre even posting.#sometimes its a joke made by a person with adhd. sometimes its sourced and cited research. sometimes its someone discussing their personal#experiences in depth. sometimes its someone talking completely out of their ass. sometimes its THINLY veiled ableism.#its up to the individual to research and determine the value of the memes and resources you seek#anyway. perhaps these points are tough to clarify on sites like insta and twitter. bless.#text#adhd#im punk now#oh and yeah i also agree lots of folks do not talk about the unsavory parts of adhd but rather the funnies and the sillies. but that is#once again a larger capitalism and marketing and ableism problem#r we not talking about them because we are actively trying to infantalize this disorder or is it because we collectively experience a lot#of internalized ableism and hesitate to talk about our worst symptoms for fear of the backlash#weve always gotten about them 🤔🤔🤔#much to consider#if youve read this far sorry for tangent number 56 about this. but also start being more unapologetic about your disorders. fuck it!#<3
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I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!
#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING#IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN#HA#MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF#and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders#that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self#ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief#a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?'#tone “No!” of disbelief#and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it.#that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me#and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.”#was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf#anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally#now i see what the past several months but especially especially#the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January#were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong#...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not#a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side#and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like#i rationally say I trust them to have and do.#and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha#they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y#anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet#trauma evolution#shh katie#personal#my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic.#add to journal#abuse
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watching old stuff (like, beginning of aew) and this is kips first match of tv/dynamite. the fact that he can hang with the fucking elite says so much of the level of talent he actually has
the crowd is chanting "this is awesome" while hes in the ring, having winning offense against matt jackson
hes being put on notice here. he makes people take a double take. he doing well in a tag match against the elite. he had a banger before with hangman. he won the first ever singles match in aew history
so fucking by god tell me why is kip sabian still overlook, under rated as all hell and not given opportunities to prove himself when back FOUR YEARS AGO he was this fucking good and now hes even better
#fuck it im tagging it im tired im angry fucking hell#kip sabian#IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS CONVERSATION GOD GET TK ON THE PHONE I WILL YELL AT HIM#like. what fucking gives. what the fuck#i get it he got dealt with few bad cards (jh. miro. injury with long recovery. personal stuff) but still#they completely fucking halted his progress after his initial return. discarded a character with HUGE potential#after he lost to oc all of it went to hell and down the drain and now they just arent using him#do you understand what this does to a fan. like do you get it at all#do you know how fucking irrationally upset and scared i am that aew will just not only cut him from programming but also let him go#because they dont think hes a draw. cause they arent giving him a chance. not even a single one. maybe once in a blue moon#but its not enough. they dont understand what they are missing. and its making me sad and upset and angry#when hes tried so fucking hard and worked so fucking hard and always been so fucking good but they dont see it#god sorry this match got to me but i fucking mean every fucking word god#box thoughts
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me; *(spends five hours planning out my courses for the university i just got accepted into this morning, in a way so that im guranteed to succeed and wont leave me burnt out and drained)*
the university: oopsie daisies!! nope, you can't do that!! forever why would we want someone to actually succeed at what they're good at and want to do??? nope!! you gotta remove most if not all of those first year courses and replace them with a larger variety of things for a more diverse learning experience, whether you hold interest or talent in those subjects or not!!!! oh and you gotta do these two courses as well, these are actually required, haha, i forgot to tell you that!
me, now destined to burn out and fail:
#i just. i just fucking cant.#i was excited to finally get a start on things and i had things planned perfectly#cause i CANNOT DO WELL in classes that DONT INTEREST ME#but no. i have to have languages and sciences in here. cause i can't take all humanities.#and i have to take two boring as shit art history courses as well#or else they'll KICK ME OUT.#why the FUCK cant i just do the ones i wanna do??? they're all first year courses!!!#why should i have to do stuff i hold no interest or talent in and am going to fail at???#just completely fucking obliterated all my motivation and drive to actually go to school.#and now ive spent an hour and a half trying to conform to their hard to decipher course requirements#and now my schedule- which looked managable for me before- looks horrible and draining.#im GOING to fail because of these requirements.#i know this. i know my brain.#im never going to be able to do anything with my life cause every single thing#has stupid locked doors that i dont have the keys to standing in my way#vent
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I feel so disconnected all the time.
#what am I doing wrong#why do I feel like I am speaking to myself most of the time#I'm a nobody#I just want to feel like I belong#or at least that people like me#please talk to me#please tag me in things#please just make me feel like I'm not alone#I know that's a hard thing to do though#I feel like I was born alone#I wish I were a goddess but I know I'm just ghost#and I feel like such an ungrateful bitch#“you managed to cajole some of your friends into doing something just last week. Why can't that be enough?”#because it was for my fucking birthday and I didn't even tell them that#because I worked all day and felt completely drained physically and mentally after#and yet it was one of the best birthdays of my life#much better then all the ones I spent alone#I have no clue where this was going and normally it would get saved to my drafts for nobody to ever see#but I am feeling so confident that if I post this then nobody who cares would ever see it that I'm about to do something stupid#I guess the mask cracking is the first step in getting better but also it's gonna be real bad
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ok ok you dont need to threaten me here's some art ☹️☹️☹️
appreciate now while you have it because doodles are rare coming from me (only tri-yearly. i cannot doodle for the life of me its hard 🙁)
#say hi to mr. rainbow butterfly pen on the hito mania dust page. he's there to keep it flat. you get to see him as a treat#guys (in particular nobody) let me be fr. i completely came up with the jk!mtt's dynamic because i felt lonely. OK sue me#a person's allowed to project their friendship and socialization need onto their favs ok..... im lonly........#school starts soon time to die i say as i sleep peacefully in my comfy bed#I HAVEN'T DONE MY SUMMER HOMEWORK!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#dust is soooo sasuke haraguchi core. he's SOOOO hito mania medicine coded. need dust content i miss him#i was giggling at jk!horror's expression in the bottom one. she is absolutely furious. the rage hidden behind that smile is comedic#this notebook paper is SO FUCKING GOOD OH GOD ITS ALL OVER THE SCREEN 🤤🤤🤤#it's so smooth to draw on i absolutely love it. and it's just soooo delectable i could eat this notebook#this is the notebook i previously mentioned. 2019 me ate this notebook up and now i am too because GODDAMN 😭😭😭#guys im so sorry i had a 4koma for the jk mtt im progress but then i decided to log onto hi3#and then i got distracted for a day. or two. or three. sowwy for not posting :3#drawing the mtt makes me :3 so bad its unreal. i only feel :3 when i see them /srs. they make me :3 they make me prrrr mrrwwwww moewwwwwrrr#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#bad sanses#bad sans gang#nightmare's gang#tricule art#jk fashion au#guys would someone understand if i said that mtt was ✌️🤘🤙 coded. does someone get it. someone else HAS to understand#mtt and their random ass emojis i associate with them ✌️🤘🤙💙💜❤️✧☆♡🐱🐰🐶 UHHHHHGGHHHHthey are in everything#i forgot jk!dust's hairclips someone shoot me RIGHT NOW!#MY HANDWRITING IS SO ASS WTF#i have to add alt text just because this shit is so ass wtf i need to write properly#why is everything on paper you may ask? well its because drawing on digital is the most draining uncomfortable thing i've ever done. paper#I LITERALLY CANNOT GET USED TO DIGITAL. i just can't. i like having an ipad but i will always be better & more comfy on paper with pencil 🙁
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feeling kinda bad bc i did not want to get this behind with posting doctober stuff but also: september and october have both been…really horrible for me? and i’d like the world to Not but yknow. i do not control things. sadly. i have flights this weekend and i’m hoping i’ll get the chance to write but i dunno if the brain will be working
#vent ish#might delete later#idk it just. it makes me sad bc i swear every year i’m like ‘this one will be better’ and the last four have just#progressively gotten worse and worse#and i’m so exhausted#i was able to pick up my sewing today but that’s because i needed to use my hands or i was going to go crazy#i just wish i could rest#between people dying and my health/disabilities and family drama i am just completely drained
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Hey as a super introverted but not shy person I'd just like to say the jokes about extroverts "adopting" introverts to "get them out of their shell" are actually completely unfunny and it just goes to show how little respect a lot of y'all have for the fact that we genuinely don't want excessive social interaction and that y'all are forcing us to do something that brings us extreme physical and mental discomfort because you perceive our introversion as a failing rather than as purely a difference in personality.
We don't need your "help" to socialize. We're not children. We're simply not interested in spending every waking second of our lives talking to people and being talked at in return.
#again i scream from the rooftops that there is a monumental chasm between being shy and actually being an introvert#a shy person is someone who's afraid of social interaction. an extrovert can be naturally shy.#a shy person can WANT lots of social interaction but simply have not learned to feel comfortable in social situations.#people who are just very introverted simply have little desire or capacity for excessive human interaction.#we're not “afraid” of it. we just don't enjoy it and it wears us out.#you don't need to swoop in and save us because we can't handle ourselves. we're perfectly fine thank you#extroverts are constantly demanding that we get out of our comfort zones but few of you are willing to make the alternative more comfortabl#if you're a very extroverted person please do not take it upon yourself to jokingly “adopt” introverts you meet.#it's not funny and it's not helpful. it's irritating that you perceive our quietness and low social battery as something that needs “fixing#we won't miraculously learn to love and be comfortable with excessive human interaction. that's not how we're wired and that's OKAY#i'm honestly getting so sick of the “the lonely introvert and the extrovert who adopted them” memes#i can guarantee you that if you are an extrovert who operates this way then your introvert “friend” is actually probably very uncomfortable#and just don't want to say anything because they think it would be rude to bring up the fact that they don't want what you want from them#this does NOT mean extroverts and introverts cannot be friends nor am i saying all extroverts are annoying or that they all do this#i'm simply saying that if you are very extroverted and you have a friend who's very introverted#then it's on you to be aware of your introvert friend's limited social battery and STOP pressuring them to just “put up with it”#don't spend every second with them constantly talking. be willing to spend some time just in the quiet.#be willing to let them bow out of something if they're exhausted and are low on social energy.#don't expect them to want to come to every meeting or party or get-together because it WILL drain them completely.#be willing to let them spend time alone when they need to to recharge.#letting an introvert cool off and recharge when they need to is ALWAYS going to make social situations less stressful for them.#PLEAAAAASE take their feelings into account and understand that they do NOT perceive social interactions the way you do.#most very introverted people do not find socialization relaxing or invigorating. they don't do it to unwind#they have to unwind AFTER lots of social interaction#that's about it. thank you and good night
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#so much has happened the last 4 days. like i cant even wrap my head around it JDJDDDKKXZKKX#also on my period so like. lmao an Extra JXJZJZJZNZMZMZM#im so tired lmao. like physically HJDJDJDJDJD idk#the mix of news has been crazy. like idk a complete life turn around im like ok JDJDDDNNXDN#last night didnt help either and yes im canadian but i just... the impact that the us has on the world is terrifying#so .... ya BXBXNXXXNXNNX#just... one step at a time. about to like. encounter a huge growth period in my career so im like JJDJDJDJDJDJ#like its good for me to kind of be forced into it bc god knows i would never pursue a senior role. but here i am just like Hdjddjjdjdjxjz#pushed into it. itll be fine#of course im really nervous and having like crazy imposter syndrome but BDJJDJDJDJ i think i can do it if i just.... take it slow#and remember that im the best person for the job. like im doing a lot of the work already.... i know the vision for the future so ya....#working toward it slowly JDJDJJDJDJDJD#plus i'll have help too so all good i think....#i just wish i wasnt so drained rn lol#im just kinda layin here JXJJDDJJD#personal
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just found out a friend i'd made through a very good friend of mine who ive been talking to nearly everyday is fucking horrible about gender and trans rights and just the whole fucking thing
one of those "i support them if it's not shoved in my face and i only see two genders" fucking bullshit
i'm more sad than anything. if i'm gonna be upset to the point of tears i'd at least like it to be anger. but i'm just so sad
#will i completely break off this relationship?#am i gonna stick to it until something truly fucking heinous is said that i cannot take?#im for sure swayed by the fact that my support system is so SMALL#like in terms of ppl who i dont feel the need to hide any part of myself around? i think i have 2 of those#and the pool is already so small to begin with#so having just ONE MORE was HUGE#i know its about quantity not quality#but one of those 2 ppl ive only reconnected with in the last few months and the other is my bro who i have not come out to at all#also just having friends in general is pretty fucking cool lol idk about yall#well i was reading up on more stuff before i vote tomorrow and ive now been so sidetracked and drained of any want to stay on this subject#i really didnt need this today#sea rambles#personal
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god i don't understand how people can just go out and do things and not be completely and utterly exhausted when they get back
#🔪.text#people really just. do this?#and don't feel like they need to go take an 100 year long nap afterwards?#walking through stores isn't just completely and utterly draining for you guys?#i haven't eaten since this morning either but i am far too exhausted to even fix food#and i don't even really feel hungry#i just want to sleep
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kinda sorta hate being hyperro because I will actually feel Empty if I do not have an outlet to give romantic love or am not receiving romantic love . like I love love !! in general !!! but my need for romance is so annoying like I can't just Force someone to want me :(
#➳ valentin vents#i guess like I'm not too upset rn I just feel very drained#hyperromantic#hyperrose#hyperro#<- fellow hyperroses where r uu . . . pawing at the screen . . . .#(i am also hyperse but that's irrelevant rn i deal with that fully and completely in private . because . uhhh yeah no)
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