#and how it makes ppl act like he didn’t experience trauma

[kev-day]

neil, kevin, and jean are so girl, so confusing coded i am shakinggg

[onthecrescentofthehill]

it’s funny when ppl talk about the harpy omelet scene and say things like “why did he do all of that? he didn’t need to. JUST doing that for laios???” (seen these nearly verbatim on posts i’ve made.)

i don’t really get how you can hear his backstory & not understand that every decision he makes within the dungeon is fueled by a profound trauma borne out of horrific, structural negligence. of course he would do fucking anything to enact his plan? if he computes “getting in laios’s favor = proxy control of the dungeon” and he has very limited time to do so, he will jump at the chance. he’s already DIED for this.

kabru has maybe the clearest possible motivation that a character can have. he has a Protagonists Motivation, and it guides him forward in a very coherent way in the beginning of the story. things get more complicated in later acts that directly address how that motivation manifests itself/gets contradicted, bc ryoko kui is great at exploring this, but it’s still extremely present.

and as a labru fan i strongly dislike the implication i see from some ppl that his interest in laios is mostly personal or romantic (posts that range from pure joke to actual ship meta.) even when taking the “confession” at face value, where i think he was telling the truth, there’s still a lot more to it than that. i think at first kabru does see laios as a means to an end in a way that’s impersonal, partly because he tends to keep everyone in his life at arms length. but that “end” (preventing history from repeating itself) is something foundational to his psyche, and we should consider that potential sense of safety getting mixed in with his warring fascination/apprehension towards laios. he’s drawn to him for visceral reasons, and his stated motivations are so intertwined with his sense of self that untangling this push-pull is much more interesting than boilerplate Yearning, to me.

it’s just confusing when any meta or basic discussion of kabru diminishes the weight utaya has on his inner world and i’m really surprised every time i see it? like i understand that different types of meta will put other lenses on things intentionally, and in most cases i think it’s an interesting tool to work with. but it’s a massive disservice to his character to put the most foundational experience of his life on the back burner ESPECIALLY when it’s in favor of shipping. dissecting character relationships, romantic or otherwise, is at its best when you have their full personhood in mind!!

[hollowed-theory-hall]

I think what’s frustrating for me in ootp (which is still 100% my favorite book despite this) is how everyone treats Harry like his anger is childish/unreasonable. Like guys he watched a classmate get murdered last year (among other traumatic things). And then he was isolated a from everyone he cares about and forced to live with people who treat him worse than dirt. The fact Hermione is kind of scared of him when he thinks Sirius is being tortured in the DOM? Idk, it just never sat right with me. Ppl treat Harry like a loose canon or an angsty kid and it minimizes the real trauma he endured

I get what you're saying, but I think the way people treat him and his anger is very much in line with what we see from the Wizarding World. The Wizarding World doesn't really understand trauma or mental health as a whole. They have no concept of therapy of psychiatric care of any kind. The only mind treatment they have is to do with healing spell damage (like Obliviations or Legilemancy). So, it's a society that doesn't really know what to do with someone like Harry, they don't have the tools to help him and people around him just don't really understand.

Ron and Hermione care about Harry, but due to their own life experiences, they have no real ability to relate to him over his trauma and understand him. That's kinda the point in this conversation:

“Don’t sit there grinning like you know better than I do, I was there, wasn’t I?” he said heatedly. “I know what went on, all right? And I didn’t get through any of that because I was brilliant at Defense Against the Dark Arts, I got through it all because — because help came at the right time, or because I guessed right — but I just blundered through it all, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing — STOP LAUGHING!” The bowl of murtlap essence fell to the floor and smashed. He became aware that he was on his feet, though he couldn’t remember standing up. Crookshanks streaked away under a sofa; Ron and Hermione’s smiles had vanished. “You don’t know what it’s like! You — neither of you — you’ve never had to face him, have you? You think it’s just memorizing a bunch of spells and throwing them at him, like you’re in class or something? The whole time you know there’s nothing between you and dying except your own — your own brain or guts or whatever — like you can think straight when you know you’re about a second from being murdered, or tortured, or watching your friends die — they’ve never taught us that in their classes, what it’s like to deal with things like that — and you two sit there acting like I’m a clever little boy to be standing here, alive, like Diggory was stupid, like he messed up — you just don’t get it, that could just as easily have been me, it would have been if Voldemort hadn’t needed me —”

(OotP, 327)

They try, but they don't really get it. And after this conversation, they try more, and they make more of an effort to understand what Harry is talking about.

We see Sirius, who has his fair share of issues, understands and relates to Harry better from the get-go:

“Since when did someone have to be in the Order of the Phoenix to ask questions?” asked Sirius. “Harry’s been trapped in that Muggle house for a month. He’s got the right to know what’s been happen —”

(OotP, 87)

He understands Harry would want to know what's going on after being trapped for a month — he's in exactly the same boat, he knows.

“But if they do expel me,” said Harry, quietly, “can I come back here and live with you?” Sirius smiled sadly. “We’ll see.” “I’d feel a lot better about the hearing if I knew I didn’t have to go back to the Dursleys,” Harry pressed him. “They must be bad if you prefer this place,” said Sirius gloomily.

(OotP, 115)

He understands the situation with the Dursleys and wants to help, but has no way to do so. He can't make promises Dumbledore would override him on. He cares about Harry and has the life experience to relate to him.

As does Luna, who experienced her mother's death:

Harry nodded curtly, but found that for some reason he did not mind Luna talking about Sirius. He had just remembered that she too could see thestrals.

(OotP, 863)

The problem isn't that people around him don't care (I mean, some don't) but in the case of Ron and Hermione, they just don't get it. They're teenagers in a culture that just doesn't conceive mental health as a thing. Wizards happily let inmates in Azkaban go mad and drive themselves to suicide, it's even expected according to Fudge. It's not our world and culture, so I'm not surprised by it. This scene with Hermione also showcases it well:

“Well, it’s like Hagrid said, they can look after themselves,” said Hermione impatiently, “and I suppose a teacher like Grubbly Plank wouldn’t usually show them to us before N.E.W.T. level, but, well, they are very interesting, aren’t they? The way some people can see them and some can’t! I wish I could.” “Do you?” Harry asked her quietly. She looked horrorstruck. “Oh Harry — I’m sorry — no, of course I don’t — that was a really stupid thing to say —”

(OotP, 450)

It's not that she meant to say anything to upset Harry, she just didn't think it through. Didn't think about what her words actually meant until Harry brought it up. And that's really what it is. They don't understand, not really. At least not at this point in the books.

The ones I don't really have an excuse for are some of the adults in the Order. I mean Lupin, Arthur, and Molly should know better. I mean, Lupin is allergic to responsibility, so, I understand why he doesn't try to help in any way. But Molly doesn't seem to understand either, Molly, who lost both her older brothers to Death Eaters. I think in Molly's case, is that she mastered the art of pushing any emotion she doesn't want to feel down and she doesn't understand why Harry is feeling things and not doing the same because she's sure everyone is like her in that regard. She is wrong.

Her reaction to the boggart in OotP is the result of how she doesn't seem to really process her negative emotions which, again, results in her having no clue what Harry's going through. Molly is a result of a culture that's very unaware of mental health and who never really dealt with her own issues and fears from the first war.

So, yeah, I think the responses we see to Harry's trauma from other characters are just very in line with wizards' understanding of mental health. Which is close to none.

[seireitonin]

“Toby/ other characters would be an abuser!1!” A talk on why that pisses me off

Hi. My name is Seirei. I don’t want to share super personal shit on the internet, but due to certain factors in my life I have BPD. (this is NOT self diagnosis. I have been to a professional and for now they think I have this due to certain trauma/ symptoms I’ve shown) This is part of the cluster B personality type. That being said Toby and many other creepypasta characters either canonically have ASPD/ BPD or it’s a generally accepted headcanon that they do. Now this in itself doesn’t bother me if it’s done well and with research. But the problem is most ppl just slap these labels onto them without doing the proper research. I’ve gotten multiple comments on my TikTok like “well I think Toby is an abuser bc he has ASPD/ BPD” I hate that. I hate that so much. You guys say it’s for “realism” but you’re just demonizing mental disorders. You’re demonizing people like me. In you having your “realism” youre hurting me and ppl in the cluster B personality type. ASPD/ BPD doesn’t instantly make you an abuser. These are personality disorders brought on trauma. Especially trauma with parents/ family. People with ASPD/ BPD know that we’re not well all the time. We’re suffering from disorders that affect our lives. From trauma/ experiences that we didn’t ask for. These are DISORDERS. These aren’t fake edgy illnesses that you can slap onto a character with no thought when you want them to be angsty. For example when ppl say “Toby would be an abuser/ not be capable of love because of his ASPD and he went through abuse in his past” not only are you taking away the depth of his character, you’re just straight up demonizing mental disorders. If you read his story, he loves his mom and sister so much. People with ASPD can love. But it does cause him to be obnoxious and rude. But this isn’t coming from a place of malice. He’s a traumatized man w a disorder! This isn’t me saying Toby can do no wrong and he’s 100% healthy. Toby definitely has issues and I’d never erase that. But to call him an abuser because he has ASPD is so gross and you’re just demonizing ASPD to be edgy without doing research on it or the cluster B personality type in general. As I said before, people with cluster B personality type KNOW we have disorders. We live with them every day. They affect our lives, our relationships, ourselves. We know that we fuck up and what we do isn’t healthy all the time. We KNOW. We’re not doing it because we’re “abusers” we’re suffering and hurting. Again this isn’t me saying that everyone with BPD/ ASPD is a good person who’s willing to do the work and grow. There are bad people with these disorders. But that doesn’t mean everyone who has them are instantly abusive. I’m not an abuser at all. Never have been and never will be. But BPD does affect me and the way I act that can come off as hurtful/ unhealthy and I KNOW THAT. Im always actively putting in the work to be better, like a lot of people with ASPD/ BPD. Just because we have these disorders doesn’t instantly mean we can’t change/ be better. Doesn’t mean we’re not humans with emotions/ trauma of our own. Toby obviously had to do some kind of inner work to be able to be with Clockwork the way kastoway portrayed them. (If it’s canon or not is irrelevant here)When you say shit like “Toby is abusive bc of ASPD/ BPD” that’s what you’re telling us you think of us. You see us and treat us like monsters but then talk about how much you love Toby/ other characters for having our very real disorder. ASPD/ BPD can be seen as two sides of the same coin. They have so many similarities but are shown in different ways. Do proper research before you talk about mental health because you’re stigmatizing/ demonizing disorders that are already looked down upon. Toby does canonically have ASPD and possibly BPD but it’s written into his character pretty well(as well as a 13 year old in the 2010s can do) and now that ppl are older we can actually analyze his character/story correctly. But Jeff and many other characters still aren’t getting this same treatment and they need it.Do better.

[sobbingstars]

Luther Hargreeves

I’m just gonna come out and say it. Luther Hargreeves was just as traumatized as his siblings.

Everyone hates him in the first season, but that’s mostly bc that’s bc he was still being manipulated by Reg!n@ld Hargreeves. He was manipulated the longest, and the most bc of the added pressure of being number one. He was forced to grow up, to be the leader, while his siblings had similar pressure to please their father, he had it the most. He was number one, the leader, the role model, of course he acted the way he did. And compare it with the fact that he never actually got to experience the world. The rest of the siblings got to leave, and live normal lives, but he didn’t. Granted, he stayed willingly, but how could he leave? And disappoint his father? Leave him alone? He would rather die.

And the fandom mocks him for the whole ‘dad sent me to the moon :(‘ thing, but imagine you find out the man you idolized, worshiped, spent your entire life trying to please, sent you to the moon for no reason. No reason at all. Just to get rid of you, after you were the only one of your siblings to stay, to continue to be ‘loyal’ (I’m aware some ppl think Reggie did it for a reason bc Victor blew up the moon but Luthor didn’t know that) Ppl don’t realize, he was on the moon for FOUR YEARS. Four years of solitary confinement, four years of neglect, not human contact, on a planet where you couldn’t breathe, couldn’t go outside without being in full gear. He was alone for years on the MOON bc he though his dad had a good reason.

So finding out (or at least believing) that his dad sent him to the moon for no reason, and never even opened your reports or anything, of course he was angry! Of course he was upset! The rest of the Hargreeves siblings had years to think about their trauma bc they left, but he didn’t. Luther never thought his trauma was more important, it was just more recent.

And ppl hate him for locking Victor up for the ‘greater good’ in season one, but ppl don’t realize is that he was raised to protect ppl by all means necessary. If that meant locking up your brother in a dungeon, so be it. Also, Victor literally slit Alison’s throat. Ppl ignore this but that left all of them with lasting effects, like I don’t ship Luther x Alison but like that’s still gonna mess them up. And the same Luther Hargreeves wanted to throw Victor a coming out party to make sure he felt loved.

His trauma doesn’t excuse his actions, but he grew past them. Luther Hargreeves isn’t a bad person, he was manipulated by Reg!n@ld Hargreeves and is just as traumatized and abused as his siblings (bc ranking trauma is STUPID)

[le-trash-prince]

Ray fans look away because I’ve got to vent a little.

One thing that particularly rubbed me the wrong way in regards to Ray using Sand as a surrogate caretaker was the comment about the nurse because it shows that Ray is not as helpless as he makes himself seem—he just wants to be spoiled.

And this is coming from personal bitter experience of having wealthy friends use me for both physical and emotional labor :| I had a friend tell me that she didn’t need to bother getting therapy because I could just repeat everything my own therapist was saying (even though she would then argue with every statement because she didn’t actually want to get better lmfao). I had a friend whose parents were Multiple Houses Rich tell me that therapy was “too expensive” as an excuse for constantly trauma dumping on friends—and then later that year drop 25k in cash on a car lmfao AHDJFJD JUST TO PUT IN PERSPECTIVE THE PERSONAL SALT I HAVE. I hate seeing rich ppl take advantage of someone less wealthy just so they can get something for free.

Because Ray has the audacity here to act like he’s helpless and uncared for, even though he has the money to meet his own damn needs! And Sand is rightfully commenting on it, just as he did earlier when he told Ray to save his money for a shrink.

Because yes, therapy is expensive. Rehab is expensive. Not everyone has access to those things, but Ray does! But instead he demands that Sand be the one to put in the work to make Ray feel better about himself.

Things like that can make a person feel really devalued. You feel obligated to help a friend because you want them to feel cared for, but when they manufacture these situations in order to demand labor from you, it makes you feel like they don’t care about the reason you’re doing this. No matter how much you bend over backwards to make sure that they’re okay, that they’re healthy—they don’t respect that effort by trying to take care of themselves. All they care about is getting attention.

And when it comes from a rich person, it’s like, what the fuck man? Why do you feel so entitled? You think your life is so stressful? You’re going to say that your life is stressful when Sand is working multiple hustles in order to pay off his family debts and get through school? Sand needs a roommate in order to be able to afford his apartment, meanwhile Ray is benefitting off of his dad’s second home. Ray can afford to have a nurse take care of him, but instead he asks Sand to take time away from making money that he needs.

Ray has never had to deal with the stress of paying for rent or food or dealing with debt collectors banging on his door. The only stress in his life is that people want him to care about himself! It really bugs me when rich ppl act like their needs are the only ones that matter 😠

The only thing standing between Ray and sobriety is Ray himself. And I’m not saying this to devalue how difficult it is to climb out of that pit, because I have fought depression myself for many years. But the barrier for a poor addict to reach sobriety is so much higher and the judgment they face for not being able to afford help is so much worse.

And I can’t believe Ray had the audacity to complain about his dad wanting him to get rehab. Like, this kid would prob be set up in the nicest rehab center in the country, going on nature walks and doing pottery, but he acts like it’s a sign that his dad doesn’t give a shit.

I’m not going to pretend like his dad is a great parent, but I’ll be honest—I’ve seen worse from people with alcoholic kids. I’ve seen people refuse to visit their kids in the ER when they’re at deaths door because it would be too much of a blemish on their reputation to acknowledge they’ve got an alcoholic kid—so I was honestly surprised Ray’s dad even showed up. The way his dad acted wasn’t great, but wanting his kid to get better is above the bare minimum of wanting his kid to disappear. 🤷‍♂️

I’ll also say this, but people who love Ray wanting to see him love himself is not a bad thing. No, it’s not easy to love yourself, it takes a lot of fucking work, but that doesn’t mean you should just avoid the work and push it off onto other people. He has people in his life who see enough value in him that they want him to feel the same way. And this episode has shown that no matter how much work someone else puts into loving and supporting a broken person, it will never make a difference until that person learns to love themselves.

Anyways I’m glad that the Poor Boy shirt returned to Sand this episode because I am done with feeling sorry for the rich boy. I don’t think this show is brushing over the class difference between Ray and Sand—it’s just Ray and Sand who have been trying to ignore it.

[botanical-garden-system]

Honestly, this post is going to be a lot about system tropes and stereotypes in shows.

Today I finished watching the show “Ratched” about Nurse Ratched. It was an amazing show- I personally loved it and I loved the color palette that was used. Everything was going quite well until,,, they dropped someone who had DID into the mix.

In case you haven’t watched the show and plan on it, there will be spoilers below!

Every other disorder was not portrayed in extremes, and there was even a scene where the doctor called out Ratched’s “brother” for acting wayy too close to the books of how someone with schizophrenia would act to be seen as “insane.”

Since the show was based in 1940s-1950s, I appreciated that even though they used accurate historical depictions of how ppl treated being gay, they made it CLEAR that this was morally horrible and incorrect.

They did not even ATTEMPT the same thing with someone having DID.

We first get introduced to the character “Charolette Wells” who Dr. Hanover said has “multiple personality disorder” because of her switching between different characters.

Even her introduction made me cringe and seize up with absolute fucking distaste. She is introduced as Ondine Duquette, who harassed an artist for playing a violin and acted aggressive. Charolette, however, was very shy and closed in (she was also treated as the,, “core” basically- which was kind of how they approached DID back then so I kind of tried to shrug it off)

It got even more frustrating when it was ONE session with Dr. Hanover and suddenly she was “cured.” Like Charolette had all control, the “violent alter” was gone, and she was suddenly relieved of her trauma??? BECAUSE OF HYPNOSIS???? I literally held my face in absolute disgust over this shit and this isn’t even the WORST part.

Fast forward to later: Dr. Hanover leaves the hospital because of his past and takes Charolette with her. Well. He pushes her into a trigger again—which I will give the show credit for, I am glad they didn’t stick with the bandaid solution of ONE SESSION of therapy magically making years of trauma go away—and it forces Ondine out again. Who. Also believed Dr. Hanover was. Hitler and that she was killing Hitler…???

So obviously she. Decides to murder Dr. Hanover- which we see Charolette wake up to this in obvious horror bc she doesn’t remember what happened. It just gets worse.

Then later, she comes BACK to the fucking hospital AS Dr. Hanover and she kills one nurse while forcing the OTHER nurse to release the fucking murderer??? After that, she (It’s so unclear who the alter is fronting at the time bc there’s a lot of time switching) literally teams up with this murderer and follows him around killing people????

Onto the rant I wanted to discuss…

This is by far not the first nor last time we have seen this.

We have seen this in popular media that many people like—like fucking danganronpa, where this character loves to use the R slur and be actively racist.

It is an obsession of demonizing mental illness once again. It sucks because now knowing we experience DID makes this trope even harder to enjoy medias with. I love studying psychology, and I already cringe at the absolute bullshit they throw out and label certain disorders. I don’t know why though, but seeing media portrayals around schizophrenia and DID just make my blood boil and anger me to the extra mile.

We are the victims. We are the ones violence is forced on.

Why is it such a fucking obsession??? Honestly, blaming other systems for being the reason we aren’t “taken seriously” is extremely misdirected and false. WE WERE BEING BLAMED FROM THE START!!!

Anyway, I wanted to get this off my chest because it made me fucking mad and it’s also useful for any system who is uncomfortable with this show now because of its decisions.

[jasebel]

Wow that’s bad, I have CPTSD after some serious shit that happened to me and I imagined myself as a sort of soldier or police officer who studies criminal behaviour as a coping mechanism. I thought about every man as a potential rapist and every woman as a potential abuse apologist while also having the traits of a female rapist/psychopath in mind, just in case. It helped me to survive homelessnes and avoid human traffickers or other significant dangerous people who would exploit me but ironically I couldn‘t avoid the exploitation itself, I felt like it‘s just a part of being a homeless woman because you are literally on the ground of societal hierarchy, everyone treats you like shit and you look for people who are easy to protect yourself against if needed instead of actual nice people (the nice ones have most likely their own issues and you also don’t wanna be a burden). I also was ready to hurt anyone or at least tried to be ready, made this visualisations you descriped because I already was in the worst case and german prisons aren’t as bad as in the us. So it didn’t scared me, some other things, people could do to me without consequences because I just was this homeless girl scared me more. I was literally one of the groups serial killers target in order to not being caught. I imagined myself how I could outsmart such killer, how most victims propably act whe he kidnaps them and how I could make a killer feel safe and superior enough to make a mistake I could use. When I learned something from this times it’s that no one is more dangerous than an individual who fears for their life and has nothing to lose. No matter how many Psychopaths or narcissistic ppl exist (eben when they can cause a lot of damage), they aren’t as much a thread as someone who is scared for their life while visualising how they would kill you. After I moved into an apartment I read a part of „your body keeps the score“ and it descriped how soldiers get broken by complex trauma in order to turn them into a killing machine and it really creeped me out to see the parallels to my story. I was mentally at the place where soldiers are, who saw their comrades being killed in combat, mourning the people they lost and their own innocence that also got killed, filled with rage about it and ready for the next combat, where they will act the exact same way their enemies did. Right before they are turned into the same kind of monster they hated once by using their fight responses against them. And the first time after my traumas I was happy I was alone with my experiences, without a bigger force behind it, that would trick me in just a brutal way. Until then I secretly wished a war or some kind of Apokalypse would happen in my country so I just could feel more normal, when I’m not the only one in terror anymore. But in this case I would’ve stepped defenitly in this kind of trap. I‘m happy I just survived and have now the opportunity to live a normal life, I have seen things that are bad in my life but I‘m also grateful for all the things I have not seen and will never see or know. I‘m smarter now and I hope everyone who saw this video will also be smart enough to avoid to join the military and police. I also hope there are some police officers who saw this video and take it as an opportunity to reflect on their hypervigilance, so they won‘t be the next officer who shoot a teenager because he COULD have had a weapon. Don’t forget that hypervigilance is a response that evolved 100.000s of years before civilisation and it’s the part of your brain called „lizard brain“ that’s acting here. But you aren’t a lizard you are a human being in a civilised society and you shouldn‘t let a bigger force trick you into things that will haunt you.

[rohan-kishibes-grindr-account]

i don’t wanna be cringe and vaguely vent on main but todays just been so aggravating- my dad not taking anything fucking serious me having to make analogies and hypothetical comparisons about my physical body being graphically harmed for him to feel empathy other than “oh yeah i guess that stuff is bad. but doesn—“ shut up hoe. he’s no biden worshipper by far but isn’t being smart rn and acting like there’s nO wAy hE cAn hAnDlE tHingS bEtTer and whatnot- And with general stuff i know his mental health isn’t the greatest (at least he stopped screaming in the middle of the night after drinking a little) but he just has become more increasingly passive aggressively rude to my mom- but when i bring up instances when he’s been rude to me to her she basically tells me to bear it ig. But i’ve been less passive as of recent when shit happens but idk. but back to taking about me, him, and Palestine— it’s just so fucking frustrating cuz on top of everything YOU ARE A PUERTO RICAN!!! A BORICUA!!! SOMEONE WHOS LAND IS CURRENTLY BEING WRONGFULLY OWNED AND OPERATED ON! OUR PPL ON THE ISLAND CANT VOTE FOR PRESIDENT AND YOU KNOW THAAAATT!! YET SOMEHOW YOU OF ALL PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY AS USELESS AS THE AVERAGE SLIGHT LEFT AMERICAN ON THIS CONFLICT???? you used to actually talk to me about freedom and our people’s historically revolutionary hero’s, i used to think you thought like a revolutionary but i guess not, i thought you were smart- i hate your job too i hate so much i can’t even be coherent i don’t wanna hate i dont. i wish you and mom didn’t take away my life and will and implicitly lock me up for a year and a half so i could’ve had less struggle adjusting with the real world after developing the worst reclusive habits and other shit . i love my parents so much but i don’t think anything will be the same since the old times where i’d beg you to be out of that intensive study scam school that made me very physically sedentary (and gave me a vitamin d deficiency cause i rarely had time to leave the house) every fucking day and the only thing that changed your mind was not your child’s suffering but some psychiatrist you’ve seen twice telling you that it just MIGHT be beneficial to let me be normal. i don’t care if i’m overdramatizing i don’t know how i can explain this experience and it’s impacts on me in a way that’s normal or not trauma dumpy. I wish this post wasn’t all over the place and didn’t spiral out to get this personal so i won’t actually tag with Palestine related things but don’t forget ur daily clicks if you do see this vvv

[sysiphus]

I miss him so much but I’m also so angry he couldn’t put his childishness to the side and let me exist without creating chaos for his amusement

Posting that insta did nothing and prob has no idea I’m talking ab him live on my story now literally Public journaling cause it gives everyone the biggest ick

I’m in a magazine my art is in Orlando weekly and gonna be in a gallery UNFINISHED and that’s probably my last opportunity since I ruined it, I can’t even celebrate cause it hurts so bad I can’t even look at it read it anything I have to forget it to function instead of have it be with me as a positive thing and I’m so angry w him for doing that to me when he didn’t have to just because he’s stupid. Stupidity is the easiest thing to ducking fix but u have to want it and there’s absolutely no incentive for that cause he’s got a face of the gods and everything is handed to him w minimal effort. He doesn’t have to learn anything cause he can block his mistakes if they don’t read his hints and act accordingly. I’m so angry he’s that ducking maniacal but I’ve been painted as the crazy one cause dealing w him made me fucking crazy and we never even fucked. I thought avoiding that would avoid all this but he’s uncontrollable. A child free in a supermarket to do what he wants but instead it’s a white cis man and it’s life. How dare I not actually just wanna fuck him this whole time let’s ruin my life trying to prove it, force an outburst from literally faking a friendship, and then blame me for not getting over it in a year with no closure no answer and coming up from homelessness and everything else I had to handle w the trauma he made me endure just cause he didn’t respect me enough to talk to me like a human. What the fuck was that?? I went along w it cause I have no clue what to do it’s unprecedented never did he ever want to hang out why would I say no and possibly shorten the time I can draw him. I thought he was guilty for charging me for selfies or testing to see if I would make a move but to fake it cause the bridge would burn better??

He’s not the only one this shit is normal it’s everywhere everyone does this shit and I do not belong here. I cant find my ppl cause I get burnt up the moment I try to FAIRLY AND HONESTLY pass thru the ppl not meant for me. They will instead ducking lie to my face, pretend to be my friend and traumatize me til I cannot keep going. I’m meant to burn up in this wildfire, I do not belong here this is not the world for me. I wasn’t meant to find my ppl in this life it’s supposed to be a struggle cause I’m not in the control group. I get a mess so the universe can watch it burn and experience what it’s like to feel this way

[jemmo]

i honestly don’t know how to talk about to my star 2 without going into full on ramble mode, bc there is just so much to talk about, and these 2 eps have brought to life more than i can imagine, and i will forever be impressed and amazed by hwang da seul and how she’s managed to weave such a layered but beautiful narrative. bc i think what this season has more than s1 is substance. s1 is amazing, so beloved to me, but it feels contained, it feels like all those moments in that house, between seojun and jiwoo, and the plot of the scandal and seojun having to hide allowed that, allowed them to be cut off from the world and have this very isolated experience. but when s1 ended and seojun was back in the public eye, back to his top star status, i knew there would be change, and that’s what this season has given us.

they’ve stepped outside their house and now they have to deal with a much bigger world and deal with how it’s made them look inwards. and what has come from that is so much, in terms of what they’re both carrying from their pasts, seojun with his parents leaving, jiwoo with what his parents friend did and how he lost them and had to deal with the villagers treating him how they do, how he treated seungyoon, and how their experiences impact how they both behave. bc you can see it so clearly even back in s1 now. this isn’t childhood trauma for childhood trauma’s sake, it hasn’t just been written in to give s2 a plot, it’s always been there, it’s just in s1 you think that’s their thing, that’s just the way they are, seojun is a precious puppy that just wants to be loved and jiwoo is cold and distant bc he can’t share his feelings. but now we know why they are the way they are, and it makes complete sense.

you can see it in the way they each handle scandal, both in s1 and now seojun doesn’t seem to care about it bc he handles it on account for others, in s1 he took the blame for the fight for his friend and now he stood up for his managers sake. he takes the hit, bc that’s what he’s used to. he’s used to giving love and not receiving it in return, that’s why he can protect ppl at his own expense. and jiwoo, he’s used to being blamed, being thought of like this, so when ppl are saying that, he doesn’t fight it, bc he’s been told it’s true by ppl around him his whole life. been told that he should feel bad, so he takes it. it’s another way they’re polarized, seojun wanting to selflessly carry other ppls pain and jiwoo wanting to carry that pain himself. and the heartbreaking thing is they’ve both learned to do that when neither has ever been at fault. how can a relationship work when neither do anything wrong and yet they both want to be blamed?

that’s why the default to how they are after breaking up, jiwoo being the villain who is mean and acts out, and seojun being the person to believe it all and take on fault, saying he’s to blame and he’ll change. and that’s why they break at what they do, when seojun is told that he didn’t do anything wrong, that’s it’s jiwoo who’s at fault, he doesn’t know how to deal with that, with someone owning their own wrongs instead of putting them on him. and that’s why jiwoo breaks when the villagers start to show him kindness, bc he’s never felt that before, he doesn’t feel deserving. and i feel like in that moment is when he softened, let himself feel his feelings for seojun again, let himself admit that seojun was the one to always show him kindness, and he pushed him away bc he’d never been told he was deserving of that. he’s always had ppl around him who care, none more than seojun, and seojun has always had ppl who want him to be happy, none more than jiwoo. now they just need to see that when they put down their burdens, they can find that in each other, and actually let themselves love and be loved

[tartalitelle]

i like childe as a character but childe stans are really cringe most of the time. they’re always like ‘he’s just misunderstood hes not a bad guy’ but the thing is that he IS a bad guy and the whole misunderstood thing gets a little complicated.

i mean hes only like 20 and hes a psycho battle junkie war criminal clearly there’s gonna be underlying circumstances but to fully understand whether or not childe is really misunderstood, we gotta go back in time to when he was a literal child. we don’t get to really see childe’s past but his character stories do give us a fair amount of information. young childe (ajax) was apparently very timid until he fell into the abyss and was taught that being timid and weak would only get him killed. childe adapted his personality to enable him to survive in the abyss, and thats what got him in trouble when he came back to teyvat and didn’t know what to do with his newly developed violend tendencies. this is an instance where childe is truly misunderstood. his family doesn’t know what he experienced in the abyss to make him this way, partly because childe himself refused to speak of it. childe’s violent tendencies came about as a result of the trauma of his entire life being upended— thrown from the community of a quiet fishing village into the kill-or-be-killed environment of the abyss.

however, what happened in childes past doesn’t make him misunderstood in the present. he’s a fatui harbinger and his priority is to serve the tsaritsa before anything else. just because he wreaks a little more havoc than his job description requires doesn’t mean he’s not loyal. just by looking at him and seeing the fatui mask he wears, anyone would know that. the motivations for his actions are clear. one could argue that childe is ‘misunderstood’ by the ppl of liyue bc they think he killed rex lapis, which he didn’t, but he was GOING TO if zhongli hadnt faked his death first. and with osail, anyone who says that childe knew no one was going to get hurt is kidding themselves. The goal of summoning osail was to draw out the gnosis, but childe hints at knowing that the exuvia was all a big hoax, but if the point of that hoax was to expose childe and the tsaritsa’s plans, then someone other than the traveler would have been there to apprehend him. the only other explaination for using the exuvia as a prop is that the real rex lapis wanted to distance himself. childe would have known there was no guarantee that rex lapis would show himself and theres no way he could have predicted everything that went down with the adepti and ningguang sacrificing the jade chamber so in short: childe knew there was a high probability of people getting hurt and he just didn’t care. all this to say that childe acted to fulfill his mission issued by the tsaritsa, and even though things all worked out in the end, its clear that childe gas a general disregard for human life. it’s not that he doesn’t have emotions, as he clearly cares for his little siblings, and he’s also fairly attached to zhongli (as shown by the betrayal he feels upon learning that zhongli was rex lapis the whole time), but because of his experiences in the abyss and the fatui, violence is so engrained into him that it’s pretty much the only way he knows how to solve his problems.

in conclusion, childe stans, stop trying to justify childes actions, the fact that hes so unjustified in the violence he displays is part of what makes him such a good character. dont ruin him

[moonlightdancer26]

Young me: Oh, Snape was totally good.

Slightly older: OH, oh, he was always an ass and an evil incel creep

Even older: It was reasonable for Snape to end up attached to a hate group because he was an abused child and had literally no other support systems in his life or even areas where he wasn’t ostracized, attacked, shunned, and bullied. This is how cults and hate groups draw in the marginalized and traumatized all the time. Doesn’t make it okay for him to attack ppl, but what with his horrible home life and zero good experiences with Muggles (especially his dad) it makes sense he was fooled and drawn into the hateful ideology as a child. He’s still a dick for it and bullying his students but gets a way worse rap than deserved.

Also, he did leave Lily alone when she said until she died, so still being in love doesn’t make him an incel. Spying on her before he befriended her was over the line, though, but he was an unsocial abused kid, and stopped when he got older, so it wasn’t as awful as ppl dramatically make out.

Even older: Also Lily was kind of an asshole for smiling even for a second at his torment by James. How can anyone find such cruelty funny? Or anything cruel to be funny? Of course, bullies and abusers always tend to want to frame their casual abuse as a joke....

Or for leaving him to continue to be tortured after he calls her a slur because his only other friends are a hate group. And because she’s just spent several minutes yelling at his bully and then ignored him on the ground to keep yelling, when she could be handing out detentions, as a prefect. I get why he lashed out at her. Not that Snape was right, but just leaving him to James?? That’s horrifying.

She really doesn’t seem that good a person. Especially when she marries James, who as it turns out did not change for the better in the slightest, but why would you ever pick and trust a person who was ever that much of a privileged abusive monster anyway? I don’t think Petunia was the only cruel one in the family.

I honestly hate how people say “Harry and many other people in the series went through a lot and they all turned out good”, like, not everyone deals with trauma the same way and, there’s a difference between Harry and Severus, Severus wasn’t a Gryffindor. Severus wasn’t famous. Severus wasn’t surrounded by good influences. Severus was groomed by future death eaters and was sorted into Slytherin. The Weasleys welcomed Harry and made him feel like he was part of the family. Harry had the support of everyone. Severus wasn’t favored by the headmaster. Severus popular. Severus wasn’t a Quidditch player. Sevy was a penniless, unpopular Halfblood Slytherin. Harry had support systems but Severus didn’t. That’s the difference between them.

Lily was a bitch for smiling at him. I would NEVER smile at my best friends being tortured and sexually harassed. Hell, even if it was my worst enemy I wouldn’t find it funny in the slightest. Yes, Severus called her a Mudblood but she was a prefect and left a student all alone acting as if she didn’t want to be avenged. Even BEFORE he called her a Mudblood she was just standing there awkwardly and not doing anything, if that were me I would’ve reported them and handed out detentions and beat them up. And she was there talking to James the entire time and she didn’t let Severus down and ask him if he was okay. J.K. Rowling said that she was flirting with James in the scene (I don’t really consider it FLIRTING flirting, but what Lily was doing was extremely disgusting), it was like she was looking for an excuse to talk to James. She left him to be tortured and traumatized for life. She was a horrible friend to Severus, he deserved way better than her. She could’ve done so much better than James. I’m not saying that she had to end up with Severus, but like, GURL... HAVE SOME STANDARDS. He literally blackmailed you, harassed you, threatened you with VIOLENCE, and bullied your best friend relentlessly for years... and you MARRY HIM?? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with her, I really can’t wrap my head around her and James’ romance, they are just so toxic. Petunia and Lily sure have a thing for bullies. 🙄

[firelxdykatara]

ppl love to forget that katara: 1. has her own taste, 2. developed around aang, he needed her for his development and vice versa, 3. ZUTARA IS SHIP BETWEEN AN OPPRESOR X OPPRESSED!!! Ignoring all of the development they had with their respective partners and the trauma Zuko caused Katara!!

In the infamous words of one Luke Skywalker: amazing. every word of what you just said was wrong.

It’s actually kind of ironic that you bring up Katara’s taste, since, throughout the show, we have examples of the guys she likes, to greater or lesser extents in canon--Jet (explicit romantic feelings on her part, word of god that jet was her first kiss--a kiss that would have been consensual, incidentally, something you should keep in mind for later) and Haru (she denies the crush, but that could just as easily have been because of the abomination he’d been growing on his lip rather than denying those feelings ever existed), both of whom have much more in common (in terms of both emotional and physical maturity, and physical appearance) with Zuko than either of them has with Aang.

Zuko’s book 3 hairstyle is almost exactly reminiscent of Jet’s, even, if not quite as floofy.

(This is probably in part because of Jet’s function as a foil of Zuko within the narrative, particularly given their book 2 encounters, which I think just further solidifies my point that, were it not for extenuating circumstances [like the fact that Zuko was introduced as an enemy and they had significant obstacles to hurdle before they could be friends], Zuko would have been exactly Katara’s type. Had they met under different circumstances, she could have been the girl he went on a date with in Ba Sing Se. Just something to think about.)

So, yes, we’ve established that Katara has her own taste. Her tastes seem to be boys with great hair who are taller than her, the same age or older, and of a similar maturity level.

Aang falls short (heh, short) on all counts. So it isn’t Katara’s taste in boys that led her to be interested in him. Hm!

Next, you claim that Katara ‘developed around Aang’--that she was necessary for his development, and that he was necessary for hers.

Let’s take a moment to examine that, shall we?

I will absolutely grant you that Katara was necessary for Aang’s development--only to a point, of course, but we’ll get to that later--but was he really necessary for Katara‘s growth? I suppose I could grant you this on a generous technicality--he did, after all, provide her with the means to finally leave the South Pole and find a waterbending master to teach her (although she wound up largely self-taught anyway). But that had nothing to do with his relationship to Katara and everything to do with the structure of the plot--Katara and Sokka find Aang (and he never would have gotten out of that iceberg without Katara’s own righteous anger, so even that leads back to her own power), and then they go on a quest to find teachers for the Chosen One and save the world.

The story could not have begun without first finding Aang and then providing means for the other main characters to travel with him (or, in Zuko’s case, chase him), but this has nothing at all to do with Aang’s relationship to Katara. Aang was not a mover in Katara’s developmental arc--if anything, he acted as an obstacle more often than not, his actions ranging from innocent but obnoxious (playing and flirting with girls rather than helping with chores like picking up vital supplies, leaving Katara to do all of the quite literal heavy lifting and keeping her stuck in the role of caretaker that she’d been thrust into following the death of her mother), to deliberate and harmful (hiding the map to Katara and Sokka’s father, a truly selfish action, regardless of his lack of malicious intent, and one for which he never actually apologized), to somewhere in between (”she didn’t really mean that” he says to the man refusing to train Katara because she’s a girl, when yes, she very much did mean that, and Aang was no help in finally getting the old codger to eat his words--Katara had to shove them down his throat her own damn self).

While Katara’s overall arc wasn’t exactly big and dynamic (like Zuko’s redemption arc), or in-your-face (like Sokka getting force-fed Respect Women Juice and his eventual growth into a tactician and leader), it was very much present and woven into her character--and Aang had almost no part in it. He provided her with the means to get to the North Pole, but left Katara alone to fight the patriarchy herself. He messed around while Katara took it on herself to do the chores and keep the Gaang alive, but he did almost nothing to decrease that burden so she could grow out of the caretaker role. (Contrary to popular shipper claims, Aang didn’t actually teach Katara to have fun. She already knew how to have fun. But she couldn’t indulge, because she had a responsibility to her family and her tribe, and later to her brother and Aang and Toph, and Aang goofing off and trying to get her to do the same only added to her burdens rather than subtracting from them.) He provided Katara with the necessary motive to learn to heal herself, but he certainly didn’t seem to learn from the experience of accidentally burning her, preferring instead to claim he was never going to firebend again, despite already knowing, at that point, that he was going to need to master fire along with the other elements to become a fully realized Avatar and defeat the Firelord.

He didn’t help Katara keep them alive during The Desert. (In fact, he ran off, leaving her to desperately try to keep Sokka and Toph from succumbing to the heat while worrying for his safety.) In The Painted Lady, Katara makes the decision to stall the Gaang and do what she can to help the Fire Nation villagers on her own--Aang agrees to help her when he finds out, but he wasn’t actually instrumental in her making that choice. The Puppetmaster was, again, Katara finding a master of her own, and having to deal with the fallout from that. And in The Southern Raiders, Aang was--perhaps unknowingly, if I’m being generous, because he is a child and could not reasonably be expected to fully understand the implications of what he was asking her to do or why it was impossible--actively impeding Katara’s development! She desperately needed closure, something he could not understand and actively belittled and dismissed. The only reason he relented in the end (but not without a condescending ‘I forgive you! Does that give you any ideas???’ parting shot lmao) was because Katara was planning to take Appa anyway, and letting her go (and hoping she’d just magically wind up doing things his way) was easier than trying to fight her on it.

While Aang’s existence was necessary for Katara to start down her own path, she needed neither his guidance nor his approval to follow it--and absolutely nothing would change about Katara’s arc if you removed their romantic relationship entirely.

Possibly because the only changes needed to do so would be to remove the two times Aang kissed Katara without her consent (which, hopefully, no one would actually miss), and the epilogue kiss (which was awkward and unnecessary to begin with, since ending the entire show on a romantic kiss as the final shot kind of missed the point of the story to begin with, but that’s another discussion). None of these kisses (which are the only moments in which Katara’s feelings for Aang are so much as addressed; do note that addressing them, or hinting that they needed to be, is not the same as saying she exhibited any sign of reciprocating them) altered anything about Katara’s behavior, her personal arc, or (and perhaps most critically) her relationship with Aang.

It’s that last point that is really damning, as far as ‘Katara obviously had feelings for Aang, she kissed him in the finale!’ goes. Because she didn’t ‘obviously’ have feelings for him. And the fact that he kissed her before the invasion and then she forgot about it (she literally had no idea what he was talking about during the play’s intermission until he reminded her that he’d kissed her) is pretty clear evidence that she didn’t actually have feelings for him. Not the kind he had for her.

I’ve been a teenage girl. I know what it’s like to be surprise!kissed by your crush. And I absolutely for a full fact know that I had not completely forgotten about that kiss three months later and had, in fact, spent most of my waking hours thinking about it and remembering it and trying to talk to him about it. Now, granted, I was not in the middle of a war, but even if I had been, I doubt I would have needed reminding about the fact that the boy I’ve supposedly been developing feelings for had kissed me and showed clearly that he had those feelings for me too.

At the very least, if Katara was harboring feelings that she was worried about approaching until after the war, her relationship dynamic with Aang should have shifted. But it didn’t. She acted the exact same way with him after the Day of Black Sun as she did before it--that is, as a mother figure and a caretaker, responsible for his wellbeing. (And it’s clear she never took him down off the pedestal she needed him to occupy, either--let it not be said that the unhealthy aspects of their relationship only went one way.)

And book 3 is, incidentally, where Katara went from being vital to Aang’s development to being detrimental to it--or, rather, Aang’s refusal to let go of his attachment to her (despite ostensibly having done as much at the end of book 2) was. Because despite having been told by, perhaps, the greatest authority left in the world on Air Nomad culture (even more than Aang, who had left his temple with a child’s understanding of his culture that was never able to mature because he got stuck in the ice berg while his people were wiped out) that he had to let go of his possessive attachment to this girl who never even expressed the possibility that she might harbor romantic feelings for him to begin with, after Azula killed him and Katara brought him back, he went right back into the mindset of Katara is mine, it’s just a matter of time.

And the narrative validated him for it.

Notice how, during Ember Island Players, Aang says the following (emphasis mine):

“We kissed at the invasion, and I thought we were gonna be together. But we’re not.”

First of all, if you go back and watch the scene, it’s clear it wasn’t a mutual kiss. Aang sprang a surprise kiss on Katara, which left her shocked and unhappy after he flew off. (The decision to have her looking away and frowning was a deliberate one on the part of Bryke, who wanted Katara’s feelings kept ambiguous. Heaven forbid you allow the animators to make it clear that this fourteen-year-old girl who was just kissed without her consent by someone she’d never once demonstrated romantic feelings toward might actually have some. Heaven forbid she have a little agency in her own romantic narrative. But whatever.)

Second, he says he thought they were gonna be together.

He thought.

He never once even asked Katara what she thought--or even how she felt. He just assumes. He assumes that if he kisses her, she’ll kiss him back and they’ll get together. He assumes that she must have feelings for him, even though her body language is closed off and she told him with her words that she did not want to talk or think about this right now, and kisses her regardless of those signals, upsetting her and leading her to storm off.

And the narrative rewards him, because despite the fact that they don’t have a single significant scene together after that second disastrous kiss, Katara just decides off-screen that she Does Love Him Really and walks onto the balcony to make out with him.

The upshot of all this being that, while Katara was indeed instrumental to a lot of Aang’s early growth and development, Aang was not necessary for her own arc, and their romantic relationship (such as it was) actively hampered Aang’s development in book 3, while removing it would change absolutely nothing for Katara (except saving her from some painfully embarrassing memories).

As far as your third point, I’m simply not going to get baited into explaining how reducing Zutara to an ‘oppressor/oppressed’ relationship is not only insulting to interracial couples irl (not to mention any other couple with a potentially unbalanced dynamic of societal power, since there are many more axis of oppression than just racial), but demeaning to Zuko and Katara, their personal arcs as well as their relationship development together.

However, I will point out that Zuko was not responsible for any of Katara’s trauma. She did not find violence and fighting in bending battles to be traumatic--in fact, she reveled in it. She enjoyed fighting against Zuko at multiple points (especially noticeable in their battle at the end of book 1), because she wanted to fight--she always had--and once she had the ability, she was ready to throw down with anyone who gave her the slightest reason. (Including, by the way, her own potential waterbending master.) Aang’s death at the end of book 2 was Azula’s doing, and while I think that contributed to Katara’s extreme reaction to Zuko joining the gaang, it was not something for which she actively blamed him, and it wasn’t something she believed would be repeated--she let him go off alone on a journey to find the original firebending masters with Aang well before she chose to forgive him. So she already trusted Zuko’s intentions and that Aang would be safe with him.

Finally, because this has gotten long enough already, I hope you now understand that Zuko and Katara getting together would not require ignoring any of their development with their canonical romantic partners. We’ve already established that Katara’s arc wouldn’t change in the slightest if all of Aang’s romantic advances were removed, and I haven’t even gotten into how Mai meant nothing in the grand scheme of Zuko’s development because I’m pretty sure that’s just self-evident. I mean, the video compilation put together by Nick showcasing Zuko’s journey throughout the series doesn’t include a single scene with Mai, though it does include several with Katara, and even Jin makes an appearance--because Katara, and even Jin, played key roles in Zuko’s personal journey, while his relationship with Mai happened entirely off-screen and her only real function was to showcase just how unhealthy trying to force himself back into the role of the Crown Prince was for him.

What development, exactly, is there between them to even ignore?

At any rate, I’ve gone on long enough--I hope you enjoy the fact that you activated my wordvomit trap card right when i was about to go to bed, anon, because I just spent two hours writing this instead. In case you’re interested in the TL;DR: at the end of the day, there was no meaningful, mutual development in Kataang’s romantic relationship, and those romantic feelings that did exist were largely one-sided and ultimately detrimental to Aang’s development in the final third of his overall arc. Meanwhile, Mai meant nothing to Zuko’s journey--rather like Aang’s romantic overtures, she could be removed from the show completely and nothing about his story would change--while Zuko and Katara were both vital to each other’s overall storylines, arcs and development. This, coupled with the fact that Zuko never actually traumatized Katara and, in fact, helped her achieve closure from the biggest source of her own trauma, means that Zuko and Katara have better and more believable build up that could potentially lead to a romantic relationship than either of them have with their canon romantic partners.

So no, anon, I didn’t forget anything--I think you may have, though. Perhaps a rewatch is in order? Make sure not to close your eyes for the back half of book 3 this time.

[jjkyaoi]

hi. i figured that while i’m on that crime boys grind, that i should. cracks knuckles. pop off with something that makes yall cry, so

i’ve been rewatching the wilbur tour stream with tommy recently, and there’s some things i noticed about what c!tommy had to say to his chat about getting wilbur stone that i haven’t seen people talk about much? and because i’m thinking about it —and, honestly because i’m sort of tired of the ppl misinterpreting how c!tommy feels about c!wilbur— i’m just gonna. does my silly little dance. use my big boy brain and talk abt it

“nonono, i know about the manipulation, i don’t *care!* cause he doesn’t think i can! ....which, obviously i can, so i’ve obviously proved that— but it’s not *about* that! i know he’s trying to manipulate me and it won’t *work.”*

so, here it’s obvious that c!tommy is struggling about how he feels about the interaction he’d just had. he seems to be slightly caught up in the fact that wilbur doesn’t think he can get the stone, and that’s something that he has to remind himself “isn’t the point”, but *also,* the fact that he later on says this;

“and he would be impressed with me, which, admittedly would feel nice, cause it’s—cause it’s nice... and it.. it doesn’t matter, though, but it—it *would* be nice.”

clearly, all the bad past experiences he’s had with wilbur has lead him to distrust the man— has lead him to view the man as somebody who “can’t be trusted” no matter what and somebody who “hasn’t changed since pogtopia”, especially considering later on he goes on to say this

“cause he’s gonna start another *thing.* and if he thinks l’manberg.. was just a way so he could get in....”

“oh no. i’m gonna have to— he’s gonna destroy the server, if he likes dream.”

clearly, wilbur’s earlier interactions— the things he said to him, whether they be true or untrue about l’manberg and dream has lead to tommy not trusting him even more— or, the words had such an affect on him/hurt him to the degree where it’s doubled down on the little trust he has for c!wilbur, and hearing wilbur openly admit that he likes c!dream, the man who’s been tormenting him to no end, puts him in tommy’s “enemies” category— makes him think that he’s gonna destroy the server and he’s gonna have to go against him, whether he likes it or doesn’t like it or whether it be true or it isn’t.

c!tommy is currently,,, conflicted on how he feels about c!wilbur, to say the least. we don’t know the interactions he had in limbo with wilbur, but it caused his view of the man to go from apprehensive to aggression. even saying *this* to ranboo and tubbo in the revival stream.

“do you think i liked wilbur? is that what this is about?”

and when ranboo goes on to say,

“*the* wilbur? like, your friend?”

tommy responds,

“we are not *fucking* friends, ranboo.”

beforehand, if tommy were to be told that, he wouldn’t have such a violent reaction— he wouldn’t have dismissed his ally ship with wilbur completely, wouldn’t have said that they weren’t friends entirely. tommy’s main motivation in the past was dedicated to wilbur— the *real* wilbur, so it’s confusing yet, if you think about it, there’s some reasons for why he could react so violently against c!wilbur.

going back to the limbo interactions. there’s like, what, some canon months worth of interactions we didn’t get to see in there? we only got to see *one* interaction out of months worth, but when c!tommy came back he didn’t seem— he didn’t act like the interactions were very pleasant. it’s off screen interactions so there’s plenty room for interpretation, but c!tommy has hinted, multiple times that whatever interactions he’d had with wilbur in there weren’t good, even to the point of begging c!dream to not revive wilbur, when beforehand the most he’d been about c!wilbur’s possible revival was nervous, even going so far as to say that he’d be his *friend* just so he doesn’t revive wilbur, and in the revival stream c!tommy was looking genuinely scared at the possibility of wilbur being back, going “you don’t understand, *wilbur’s back”* in a tone that, obviously couldn’t mean good things or isnt said in a pleasant way.

tldr. a part of tommy things wilbur is going to do something dangerous. this mistrust/believe is a combination of all the unresolved trauma he has from wilbur from the past, the off screen limbo interactions, and c!wilbur unintentionally adding fuel to the fire by saying that he believes his literal abuser is the hero and that he didn’t really care for l’manberg —which, i don’t believe is true - in the least, but regardless, isn’t a good thing to say to c!tommy— which is just a huge heap of garbage onto “the reasons why c!tommy doesn’t trust c!wilbur, the saga”.

however, this doesn’t mean i’m saying c!tommy thinks wilbur is completely irredeemable/thinks he’s the spawn of satan, either. he doesn’t trust him, yes, but there’s *care* there, like the tangent c!tommy went on about how it would be nice for c!wilbur to be impressed with him for getting stone/possibly praise him; he still searches ofter the man’s reassurance praise and, probably always will, because c!wilbur had sort of always been a guidance figure for tommy for so long. c!tommy currently doesn’t trust wilbur, but there’s also a part of him for yearns for the man’s praise and his attention, which is the reason why he got the stone so quickly, though he furiously said that “wasn’t the point”.

and also, c!tommy’s entire monologue about “not giving up on people” to foolish, to which he said that c!wilbur wanted people to see him as the villain, iirc, which is. Interesting. to me, because it’s clear that he still hasn’t gotten completely rid of the “c!wilbur is the villain” mentality in his mind, but from that sentence alone he’s trying to understand c!wilbur more, and also his whole speech about how “if you care about somebody, don’t give up on them”. c!tommy’s feelings on wilbur currently are complicated, but he’s always been willing to follow him to the ends of the earth— he’s always trusted and loved that man with his entire heart, so that basically means that, yea, he still might think c!wilbur is a bad guy and not entirely trust him, but he also isn’t going to give up on him. and he’d said he “didn’t have it in him to save the server before” so it makes me think that 👁️ maybe he’ll just try to convince c!wilbur to the “good side”? thinks he doesn’t think he’s on the good side?? perhaps??

i don’t know. i’m just thinking about them. c!crime boys make me so very Emotional there’s so much - to them and i just ,,,, hold it gently. c!crime boys how do u manage to be one of the most bittersweet dynamics on this server

[mikyouknow]

I’ve been thinking about if I should speak on this situation or not for a lil while now.. mostly because my blog has been pretty inactive for months now, despite me still being very deep in the fandom. There’s several reasons for why I p much stopped posting, but bottom line is I did, but I didn’t leave the fandom itself. I’m still here.

The other reason I haven’t made this post earlier is because I feel very on the fence about this whole thing.. I want to start off by saying I don’t see this as a grooming incident. But I am feeling uncomfortable with the fact that Dream was the one who wanted to move the conversation to Snapchat, I’m trying hard to think of a reason why he’d want to move the convo from Instagram to Snapchat if it wasn’t just to get a place where what they say will be deleted so he can act inappropriately. I’ve been trying to look to others for this and try to fit their reasonings into perhaps why he did this, but at the end of the day I’m still waiting for more information on the situation and confirmations of what is lies and what isn’t when it comes to the accusations. But the fact that he did bring fans to Snapchat to have private convos with them makes me.. uncomfortable. If this is something he’s been doing I’d like to know how these conversations went and that it was just friendly chats before I’d feel comfortable enough to keep following him. So that’s my current stance on that.

Overall, this shit fucking hurts and fucking sucks. Finding this fandom was so, so meaningful to me when I first stumbled upon it all. And through my time here I’ve met some amazing people and made one amazing friend in particular that I don’t even want to imagine my life without. I’ve also posted a lot of fanfics and had so, so much fun with that, and gotten such amazing response from this incredible fanbase. These two years has provided me with such insane joy I never thought I’d experience, and it’s not something I’m ready to let go of. I really, really do not want to leave. I want to stay here, for as long as possible.

But this whole situation has really messed with me, and I’m still trying to figure out exactly which part of it that gets me so upset. It might just be because of my own trauma getting triggered, I’m not sure yet.

All I know is that I’m uncomfortable with the current situation, saddened to see so many people hurting and even leaving. It’s understandable why, but it’s still sad. And I also feel for Dream. Especially if the allegations are all fake, this is really horrible shit to go through. Esp with the past two weeks he’s had, with face revealing, meeting George, going to his very first convention and meeting fans for the first time, ALL IN THE SAME WEEK!! And then this happens, like he rly can’t catch a break…

Anyways, this post is a bit scattered and that’s because I feel quite scattered atm. I rly wanna stay, I am staying, but I’m also quite uncomfortable by the whole thing. So, just gonna see how it all plays out and hope things aren’t as bad as the allegations are making it out to be. I think what also makes this thing even harder to take in is that Dream just face revealed, and my first reaction to seeing him was full on ‘who the fuck is that??’ And since then I’ve had to reacquaint myself with the guy that is Dream, completely throwing away the vague idea I had of him in my head to replace him with this stranger I’d never seen before. That alone has taken a bit to get used to. And then these allegations hit, and I already feel like Dream has become more of a stranger than ever before through his face reveal, so it’s really hard to puzzle this all together and see that the Dream I follow is not at all who I thought he was in so many ways, more than just his face.

But I’m gonna stick around for now, maybe try to be more active on here cause ppl are leaving and it’s probably good for us who are left to speak up. But those are my current feelings on this.

Also I don’t think anyone who sees this won’t already know who @mcecologist is but go follow if you’re looking for more ppl who are sticking around! Mc is rly keeping me mentally stable rn and also carrying this whole fandom atm so just wanted to give a lil shoutout, as if I’m pointing at the cozy cabin up the hill that still has the lights on<3