#and grapple with the fact that aren’t going to travel with each other and be best friends in that way

[sunnyyflowerrs]

promise by laufey is so killua and gon after the world tree it’s insane

[leonw4nter]

Hi hi, may I request a F1 racer Leon and photographer reader fic where reader somehow garners his attention in a sea full of people trying to get his autograph?? (Re4 Leon or Re2 Leon will do!)

Close To You

Racer!RE2!Leon x GN!Reader

You two lay in silence on your bestfriend Leon’s bed, staring up at the dark ceiling as you both listen to the soft whir of the ceiling fan overhead. He’s leaving in a few hours, right when the first few rays of pink illuminate the otherwise dark sky; in just a day, he’d be in a completely different timezone from you. He promises to call but you don’t expect him to stick to it a hundred percent; college will be a busier time in both your lives after all and with his aspirations, you don’t expect him to handle too many things all at once. It’s 2:20 AM and both of you should be fast asleep, him in his bed and you on your air mattress that Leon insisted on helping to inflate, but you both can’t find it in you to spend the last few hours sleeping.

“Why aren't you sleeping?” Leon asks in a hushed whisper. His head rests on his arm, his mop of ashy-blond hair sticking out in small strands due to the amount of times he ran his fingers through his tresses.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” You respond back with a slightly aggressive whisper, head tilted to face him for a moment. “You’re going to be travelling for five-and-a-half hours. Staying up is going to bite you in the ass later.”

“I can’t sleep,” he responds back. “I’m nervous and already homesick.”

“C’mon, you got this! Nothing like a new change of scene for Leon Kennedy, right? It’s going to be awesome, I swear.” You reassure him with a smile, though your heart drops to your feet again and the feeling of missing him creeps up on you but he hasn’t even left yet.

“I mean… It’s gonna be an experience being in a new place and all but… I’m going to miss you,” he softly confides. He turns to lay down on his side, a hand tucked under his cheek as he looks at you through thin strands of his hair obstructing his view. “I don’t think we’ve ever done anything without each other. It’s gonna take a lot to adjust to this new setting.”

He sounds genuinely anxious, his voice lacking the usual confident quality it almost always carried. As sad as this whole predicament is making you, you’re forcing yourself to look less defeated than you feel; you can do the crying later for when he can’t see you anymore.

“I know, it’s… definitely going to be hard for the first few months but we’ll get around this eventually.” You reassure him with a small grin. “It’s not going to be the same without you, though. I’ll really miss you so don’t forget to at least text me, okay? When you’re free, of course.”

“I’ll miss you too and yes, I promise.” He sighs, shoulders slumping with his hushed exhale. He stares at you quietly through the dark, trying to map out your features despite the darkness of the room.

It turns into a game of staring and who will be the first to interrupt that has settled over you two like a blanket but it wasn’t the kind of staring that was just an empty, zoned-out stare; it was the kind where you two were committing every single detail of each other’s features to memory, to get the most vivid mental image you both can. You find it hard to swallow down that this face is going to be on your laptop screen, composed of pixels that won’t do his beauty any justice. He finds it difficult to grapple with the fact that he can’t brush the hair out of your face anymore or wipe away a speck of food at the corner of your mouth with his thumb. Turns out, this isn’t just a staring contest– it’s a contest on who can hold off from giving in to the desires of their hearts.

“You’re going to have a lot of your firsts without me,” you speak up. “First love, first parties, first kiss…”

“So, Leon, have you ever been kissed before?”

You’re taken aback by your own boldness, shocked at this question. Of course he has; in the third grade, Patty Briggs gave him a valentine and kissed him on the cheek before skipping off to her friends. You’re not sure if Leon remembers but you do and that’s because you were fuming that another girl has taken his first kiss away from you.

“No,” he responds. His voice is steady but you know that his cheeks and the tips of his ears are probably warm.

“Yes you did,” you counter before telling him about Patty and her valentine.

“I wonder how it–kissing– felt. If it feels slimy and icky or if it’s soft and plush.”

“Do you want to find out with me? How kissing feels?”

And that’s how you and him shared a first kiss on his saggy mattress, in his cold and dark room a few hours before he had to leave for the airport. Leon got his answer: it felt perfect, addictive. He wanted to keep kissing, to relive the spark of your lips pressing delicately. He even got the courage to bring a hand up to your cheek and bring your face closer, making the kiss feel deeper. He very well knew that he was running out of air but he didn’t want to break away, just lost in the velvety warmth of your lips, though slightly chapped.

Even when he was hours away from you, now onboard a plane, all the lovey-dovey songs he had on his portable music player were reminiscent of you and your magical kiss. You, on the other hand, were alternating between tears and giddy giggles. You managed to look put together and strong when you were seeing Leon get into the cab, though glassy-eyed by this time, but tears raced down the slope of your cheek fast as soon as the cab’s engine roared to life as the distance between you and him quickly grew from an inch to full-on kilometers. It’ll be hard to sleep with the lack of each other’s warmths on both your beds.

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Life was odd without the other, it didn’t feel entirely complete– bright moments would have been brighter if Leon was by your side, sadder moments would be less sad if Leon had you. You two promised to text and call as much as your conflicting and busy schedules could allow you both but soon the distance felt even more palpable, the five-hour time difference that would place you in his past too real and soon, you grew distant but you were not mad with him and he was not mad at you: you were both busy with your endeavors and life is a ball that keeps rolling, no matter how rough the terrain could get. No matter what, Leon still thought of you before sleeping, images of you flashing as he closed his lids; he thoughts about how you’d look now– if you cut your hair or styled it differently, if you got new piercings, or if you’d still smile at him with so much warmth. As if his fingers have a mind of their own, they travel upwards as the pads of his fingertips gently pat his puffy bottom lip as he thinks about the kiss you both shared before he left at the break of dawn’s first rays of light. He tries to fight back a smile, pushing down the giggle that threatens to rise from his chest and tries to contain it there until it dissolves into nothing. It doesn’t dissolve into nothing and the fizzy excitement that the mere thought of you conjures just doubles in amount; he has to do something about this and so he turns to his side, arms reaching underneath the pillow beneath his head, and brings it to his face as he laughs and giggles. He kicks his feet, occasionally poking out from his duvet. He realizes how stupid he must look now: a grown man giggling and shaking about in his bed when he’s supposed to be asleep at this time in the night but he doesn’t care, let a man explode into a fit of glitter and blue raspberry candies when he thinks about his best friend– wait, best friends don’t kiss on the lips. But you’re not exactly boyfriend-girlfriend either, you’d never said anything about it and neither did he but he’s positive that you like him back and so does he. Upon the realization, his giggles melt into a groan as he thumps on the pillow with a fist.

Like him, life has been fast-paced and seemingly unwilling to slow down for you. You had requirements to submit and organizations to attend to; things were busy for you but it kept thoughts of missing Leon too much at bay. You busied yourself with textbooks and leadership roles, a part-time job at a movie theater, being a photography studio’s assistant, and studies. You catch your thoughts slipping back to Leon– what is he doing with his life now? Has he got a girlfriend? How’s racing turning out for him? Has he been eating well? Does he still wear his retainer? You can only hold off for so long until all those feelings come to shock you in the middle of an otherwise lovely day. You wished that you both weren’t so busy or you both cared slightly less about whatever you were doing and talked for hours and hours again, maybe even watch a movie online, and discuss the cinematics of the film in full detail, maybe even share interpretation. You see his eyes on a clear blue sky, his hair in feather reed grass panicles, his voice in rock songs playing in music stores, and wrinkled blue t-shirts. You arrive home from university, dropping your backpack to the foot of the bed before flopping down to your bed. You lay silently, limbs spread out in a starfish position, and groan to let even a little bit of the stress and exhaustion leave your body. You move to sit up but your leg hits something, sending it cluttering to the ground.

“Fuck,” you hissed as you bent to pick the thing up. It felt light and rectangular and it clinked lightly when you moved it around. Switching on your bedside lamp, you noticed that it’s one of the cassette tapes Leon had given to you before. You look at it, a finger tracing on your name written in black marker with Leon’s angular penmanship.

“Oh, Leon,” you quietly mumble to yourself as you look around for your earphones. “Do you still listen to Queen? You still better.”

You find your earphones and slide the jack into the port, placing the buds on your ears and plopping back in bed once more as you face the ceiling. You click the play button, waiting for a song’s first melodies to come through. You expect an intro of drums and electric guitar but it’s a gentle piano that greets you instead and instantly you recognize it: ‘(Close To You) They Long To Be’ by the Carpenters. You and Leon had ‘your song’, a collection of songs that are strongly associated with each other and your friendship; most of them were songs like “Don’t Stop Me Now”, “Little Lies”, and “Total Eclipse of the Heart” but there were softer, calmer ones with that song being one of them. During camping trips with your family, you’d be sitting in the rear passenger seats sharing an earbud and singing along to the songs, most of the time going off-key but you were both happy regardless. You find yourself singing along alone, closing your eyes as you don't resist letting a smile tip the corners of your lips upwards.

“I hope you’re doing well,” you wistfully tell to no one. “I miss you.”

After several more songs, you fall asleep with the tape resting on your abdomen as ‘Eyes Without A Face’ by Billy Idol plays.

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After taking up several jobs and earning enough money to book a two-way flight, you pack your bags and head to the airport for a flight to Iowa for your semestral break. After having seen news of an all-too-familiar face slowly making a name for himself in the world of motorsports, you hunted down any bit of information you can get on when, where, and how much it cost to see him race. You thought about visiting him, catching up again like the good ‘ol times so hearing about Leon in this way just solidified your decision. Besides, it would be great to snap a different scenery for a change and it would look good on your portfolio. Energized by the cheap airport coffee, you go through the bag checks and take off your shoes as you wait for the officers to finish their inspection. After several minutes of inspection and waiting at the holding area for your flight, sketching the interior of the airport to pass the time, your flight is finally called and you get up to head to boarding. You finally get to your seat, right next to the window where you can get a perfect view of the clouds below. Unable to sleep last night, you went on a deepdive for the mechanisms of how an airplane flies. It was fascinating, to say the least, but it did make you slightly anxious; the thought of all the air in the Earth blipping out into nothing and the plane falling down to the ground scared you, making you shudder, but you pushed those scary thoughts away and replaced them with Leon. Did he grow any taller? Is he still that same dorky boy you knew? Would he still be down to be friends with you?

Leon did one last check on his car, a dark blue Panoz Esperante GTR-1 with white accents and subtle orange details before driving back to his hotel and getting some sleep.

“C’mon, Leon, she’s in perfect condition.” Marvin says, one of the engineers he consults with in order to maintain the condition of his car. “I checked her over and over and her diagnostics are all good but I’ll get up an hour early to do one last check up before the race.”

Leon nods, giving him a gentle pat to the back before greeting him good night.

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You tried to hold back your screaming, you really did, but when Leon crossed the black and white checkered finish line after several exhilarating laps you just couldn’t help but beam for him. You shot up and screamed at the top of your lungs, cupping your hands around your mouth as you chanted his name when he got out of his car and waved to the spectators. Now, you’re part of the crowd trying to get his autograph. You have your notebook and best pen in hand, trying to navigate the sea of people all flocking to him but you can’t blame them: he’s just naturally charismatic, something about his boyish awkwardness that’s endearing. You finally manage to squeeze yourself to the front, excitedly calling his name as you pointed your camera at him, adjusting the settings to make him the focal point– the focus as the world around him is a blur of colors.

“Leon!”

He’s in the middle of signing a teenage boy’s cap, making small chit chat with him as well. The photos are shaky, blurred, and sometimes obstructed by other people but you didn’t mind; you didn’t have to send these kinds of photos in, it’ll be kept near and dear to your heart though it’s imperfect and far from aesthetically pleasing. Your heart sort of squeezes at the sight, observing how his smile looks a little tired and feigned, overstimulated by the crowd hollering and pushing themselves at him but he still manages to be so nice and understanding. You decide to back off and wait until he finally sees you, not wanting to contribute to the added pressure of the moment. You laugh when he laughs, seeing some dads ask him for a photo and crack some corny dad jokes; you smile when you see him giving high-fives and fist bumps with little kids who were more than buzzing with energy to talk to him. Eventually, the sea of people around him thinned and you took the opportunity to try and talk to him again. You adjust your top and pat down your hair, doing your best to look fresh for when you get to see him for the first time in a long time. He’s just about to turn around and you skip ahead, patting the back of his shoulder. Woah, he’s a lot taller– his shoulders became broader now.

“Can I get a quick photo of you, Leon?” His body took a screenshot, freezing for a moment. He stares past the camera and into your eyes, taking in the sight of you all smiley and even more heavenly. You swear that his body took a screenshot, freezing for a moment. He lacks words and makes up for a hug, placing the notebook and pen down to the ground and wrapping you in a tight hug.

“Buddy,” you softly say as you reciprocate the embrace. “I missed you too.”

You swear that you heard a small sniffle come from Leon, patting his back as he stays still and keeps his head in the crook of your neck. After quite some time he pulls off, placing his hands on your shoulders and looking deep into your eyes. He breathily says your name, a hand climbing up to cup your cheeks.

“How… How’ve you been?” he asks in a shaky voice. “Woah, you look– you’re even more pretty now. Um, awesome– you look great! You– you’re… um— I-”

He stutters, cheeks burning. His hands leave their perched positions and his right hand travels to rub at the back of his neck. You giggle at this, smiling at him. He’s still awkward and dorky as ever.

“You look great too,” you compliment. “I love your arms, they’re a little bigger compared to the last time I saw you.”

“Yeah… I’ve- uh… been working out, yeah. Part of the… uh– job.”

“Yeah? Or have you been working out for a girlfriend?”

“Me? Girlfriend? Oh, uh– no. I don’t… have one. It’s just been– well, nevermind.”

“Hm? Go on, just been…?”

“I’ll tell you over coffee! How’s that sound?” he says a little louder, clearly eager to tell you more of his life since he’s moved. “If you want. Only if you want to, of course! No pressure.”

“I’d love to, Leon. We can have as much coffee as we want for quite some time– I’m on my break from school.”

“Great! I mean– me too. We can go now, if you want! I’ll just– I’ll just clean up a bit and check with my team and we can go! Sounds great!”

“Sounds great, looking forward to it.”

You lean in close to him, a hand fisted around the collar of his fire retardant suit and drag him forward to be eye level with you. You press a kiss to his cheek, letting your lips linger a little longer before pulling away.

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He takes you to a quaint little café, offering to pay for both your drinks and pastries as you dine over a conversation between two friends catching up.

“So, yeah. It’s a little hard to juggle the police academy and racing right now but there's nothing I can’t do, right?”

“I thought about you sometimes, especially when I listened to our jam. I seriously thought about all the times we had to do a tense back and forth for borrowing calculators because I forgot.”

“I take it that you have a boyfriend?”

“No! I mean– no, I don’t. I’m free, single even. No dates or anything… so I’m up for more coffee dates.”

Leon smirks, reaches to you and wipes a flake of a pastry from the corner of your mouth.

“So, this is a coffee date for you?”

It’s your turn to be flustered and all flushed, setting down the scones you were happily enjoying with clotted cream.

“No! I mean– yes! Well, more like a reunion snack between two… um… best friends who haven’t seen each other in years!”

He reclines in his seat, arms crossed over his chest as an amused smile is on his face. He looks playful now, a lot less awkward than he was on the drive there.

“Two best friends don’t just kiss each other on the lips,” he retorts. “Would you like me to court you then?”

“Court… me?”

“Well yes,” he carefully broaches the topic. “I’ve been thinking about you over the years we were apart. I haven’t had any girlfriends, I can’t find it in me to be attracted to someone who isn’t you. I’d like to give us a try but only if you’ll let me, of course.”

You stare at him, cheeks slightly puffed out with your fingers frozen in grabby fingers from having previously intended to reach out for another pastry but his words just rendered you still in your seat.

“Um! Well, I’d… I’d love that!” You tell him. “Please, please do. I’ve been thinking about you too– no boyfriends for me, not a boyfriend who isn't you.”

He smiles, excited. He’s already coming up with ideas on how to woo you– he’ll do those birds’ attraction dances and flail his arms around if it means convincing you that he’s worth your time.

NOTE - first off, thank you to the anon who sent this!! I know you waited a long time so I hope this lived up to your expectations <3 !! next thing, fic drops will be a lot less frequent since i'm getting quite busy with things but dw since i'm getting close to completing all the requests in my inbox :) updates about how i'm doing umm... i've found out that I quite like collecting stickers, like random stickers. i found this out when i bought some stickers from business students selling them for a project. Anyway, that's it and thank you for reading my ficsss!!!!!!! I <333333333 UUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rachetmath]

JRY vs Ace-ops

Warning: Long read. This is theory on who would survive a fight. A analyses. In my opinion. So with clear, if you agree, then like or comment. Disagree, fine, go wild.  

Hello, so you must have read the title. Okay you might be thinking, "Ratchetmath, bro, you can't be serious. There is no way Jaune and Ren can ever defeat the Ace-ops. Only Yang, considering her and her teammates did in volume 7." Which I would completely side with you on. However, I've come to realize that the Hound was never a threat, and more importantly the boys could've done more if the Worf effect wasn't in place. So, let's give these guys a fighting chance and see what they along with Yang, could've done if they had to fight Winter and Ace-ops.

First, let's discuss the Hound and why the Worf effect failed. For those of you who don't know what the Worf effect is, it is when a new character is placed in the story and to prove their strength: you make them fight already deemed strong characters and let them win or stand a chance of winning the fight. The reason the Worf effect failed for the Hound is because Oscar is not a very strong character. Oscar skill level as the show presents is random at best. The Hound should have aimed for Jaune. Jaune as the show and writers made clear, has an incredible amount of aura. Seeing the Hound break his aura completely without even trying would've been more terrifying and makes sense. Or Yang, showing that it could fight.

But why? Why the Hound taking Jaune or Yang down first makes sense? Yeah, Yang is fine but Jaune is not strong or a capable fighter. Maybe not much of a fighter, but he is strong. In fact, he holds back grimm twice his size on a regular basis like an Urosa and Nuckelavee. Even Yang and the other characters, well except Elm because of her physical appearance, are guilty of this. The Hound is no different, it's basically a harder version of the Beowulf. Let's face it, Jaune couldn't do anything because the show must go as planned. Jaune could've save Oscar by getting close and blowing it away with his gravity dusted shield. The hound attacking Jaune first would prove it was watching them carefully, seeing their weapons and abilities to find who could be a threat to its mission. Proving its power and intelligence.

Now, the main event, team JRY versus The Ace-ops. The fight starts when the Ace-ops arrive after Jaune told them about the grimm river. Sadly, when they arrive, things were not so good. The Ace-Ops were more focused on finding Penny instead of the river. Now the grimm river destroyed the Atlas barrier and Atlas was under attack. However, the Ace-ops still want to arrest the group. Instead of going down peacefully, Jaune, Yang and Ren won't go down without a fight. Can they win?

Now, let's scan the environment. They were in an open plain field full of snow. There is nowhere to hide and almost no way to escape for team JRY. The motorcycle is not fast enough to outrun Harriet or a plane. But more importantly there was a crater beside them where the grimm river used to be. Now there are two ways this can go down, but I'll explain later. Let’s focus on the characters.

Let’s talk about the Ace-ops. They are elite hunters in Atlas. And from what we got from volume 8, Harriet told us that Marrow and Winter are replacements for their fallen comrades. Meaning Vine, Elm and Harriet herself are the remaining, long term members of the Ace-ops. So, they work very well together unlike with Marrow and Winter. That could give team JRY an advantage, but not much. Do to the fact that it's five against three and with only one of them being the strongest fighter, they need a plan to set the odds to their favor.

Now for team JRY. Beacon students turned hunters thanks to James. Now they’re with adults. However, there are a few problems with this team. There are three people in the team and two of them, barely fight or have barely won a fight at all. Jaune is more on the defensive while Ren... well, he spams his attacks, and relies heavily on long range. Sadly, the Ace-ops over power them with combative semblances and fire power. Their best shot would be to run. However, there still a way to win. This is a fight or flight situation, so what would happen if team JRY choose either option?

For flight, the reason being because they're not capable, it's a waste time and more importantly lives are in danger. First, remember they were on a field of snow. What does Jaune have? A shield that shoots gravity waves on contact weather it's from enemies or to the ground. Jaune was already in front of the bike and with good timing, he could activate and slam his shield to ground, sending snow flying, causing a smoke screen. Giving them little but plenty of time to hop on the one motorcycle and ride, while making sure Winter or Marrow have no time to stop them with either of their semblances. The crater also plays a key role for their escape. They can ride in it, but Harriet, due to her semblance granting her speed, will be on their tail. However, if orderly seated, Jaune can stop Harriet from getting too close. But what about the other members? Well, they'll be back on the ship, but they can't do anything. If they fire missiles, they'll get in Harriet's way and more importantly hurt her in the process. Jaune could also block her path himself with shield bomb.  

Now, for fight. Reason being is Oscar is in danger and needs saving. More importantly the plane is better for traveling around Mantle and saving people than a motorcycle. This will be a difficult battle but not one sided. This is going to involve the team trusting each other. And putting their skills to the test.

First off, they would need to get rid of Marrow. Marrow may be the rookie of the Ace-ops, but he is the most powerful. His semblance can stop time just by looking at his opponent or pointing at them, commanding them to "Stay" in place.

To take out Marrow, they need to knock him out before he uses his semblance. So, before the fight truly starts, Yang should be close to Jaune, grabbing his clothes and amplifying her aura. When she has enough, Jaune, since team JRY will get a plane, launches the bike and Ren shoots the gas tank. The explosion should cause a temporary smoke screen. Yang should immediately get on Jaune shield for him to launch her towards the Ace-ops and activate her semblance to knock Marrow out. Wait a minute, but Yang's semblance doesn't work like that, she needs to take damage to even use it. However though, Blake revealed that Yang and Adam's semblances are one of the same. Meaning, both can activate their semblances any time without the need to be attacked. Yang has done this once back at Beacon and in Atlas considering Elm couldn't even touch her. But this would wear her out. Too bad she was amplified by Jaune, so she may not experience the same negative draw backs when using her semblance recklessly before.

Wait, but what about Aura? Can't aura protect Marrow from harm? Well, sadly no. Aura, as the show so far made clear, is limited to what it could do for its users. If you have a broken arm, get poisoned and/or critically wounded, your aura my not save you. So, a heavy blow to the head is something your aura is useless in healing, especially when you need to be conscious.  

Now, it's four against three. So, what should happen next? Jaune pushes Harriet into the crater, allowing Ren to fight her. Harriet may be fast but with the crater being narrow and deep she'll have a hard time moving around and probably climbing out. This will allow Ren to adapt to her movements and fight in her in hand-to-hand combat. Hopefully, he's still good at that and not relying on his upgrade.

Jaune may have to take on two opponents. They are being Vine and Elm. Don't get me wrong, it took Blake and Yang to beat them, but Vine and Elm aren't really that good. In fact, they are just stronger versions of Ren and Nora, except Vine's semblance is better suited for combat. But let’s be clear, Jaune survived a journey of pain without his aura being broken but a few times. Never mind, only once, do to being tired after fighting a giant mech.

Now, hear me out. Elm is strong, and her weapon is an RPG. But her semblance is useless if the ground is cracked, which Jaune can do without wasting aura, or entering a burst mode. Elm also has not demonstrated any hand-to-hand combat skills. Even if she was willing to still use her weapon without her semblance, it only further proves she will suffer from the recoil from her weapon once fired. Plus, Jaune can block or deflect the missiles back at her using the gravity waves from his shield. Also, though Elm is stronger than Jaune, he's faster, has more movability and a sword. So as the saying goes, "Bigger doesn't always mean better."  

But hey, what about Vine? He beat Jaune before. But who can't beat Jaune? More importantly, didn't Vine need the high ground to fight anyone. In the snow plain field, Vine has no high ground but the ship, Jaune already fought him once so he might know how far his arms can stretch, and more importantly, Jaune is physically stronger than Vine. He might use his weapon but again, the shield can deflect it. And if Jaune grabs his stretchable arm, he basically can throw Vine around.

I will make this quick for Yang. Yang will take on Winter. She would be able to reason with her considering she's friends with her sister. But Yang might have some ways to fight Winter considering she should knows how Weiss fights and been working with Weiss for a while. However, we still must consider that Winter can make an army of grimm, but she has not used any other tactics.

But these are still highly trained hunters. They aren't so easily to be defeated especially against Jaune and Ren. Well, Jaune can assist Ren by knocking out Harriet. How? Ren could use his grappling gun to capture and slow down Harriet. Ren gives Jaune a signal, Jaune goes to him, Ren releases Harriet who was running too fast for her own good with no time to react. Finally, Jaune use his shield to knock her out. They climb out and both can fight Vine and Elm. Same for Ren if to assist Jaune first. Harriet may be fast but won't be able to climb out the crater. Once all four members are down Winter would be the only one left. And sadly, the Schnees despite their abilities, still manage to lose battles.

Well, that’s all folks. Remember this is in my opinion. If there are ways for team JRY to win or if there are flaws to my plan, then please leave a comment. However, despite what I said, team JRY would still lose. Mostly due to what I said about the Worf effect not being used properly. And the villains have way more plot armor then the heroes.

[monstersdownthepath]

Spiritual Spotlight: Hanspur, the Water Rat (and Ashkaelae)

Chaotic Neutral God of Rivers, River Travel, and Smugglers

Domains: Chaos, Death, Travel, Water Subdomains: Exploration, Murder, Rivers, Trade

Inner Sea Faiths, pg. 58~63

Obedience: With the assistance of another priest of Hanspur or by yourself, simulate the act of drowning. You can do this by fully submerging yourself in a body of water, exhaling all of your breath, and painfully inhaling water instead of air. Alternatively, you can lie on your back with your head at a lower elevation than your legs while water is slowly poured on your face and up your nose. If you choose the latter method, you must cover your face with a cloth while the water is poured. When you conclude this simulated drowning, contemplate your life and how your goals coincide with the teachings of Hanspur and the Six River Freedoms. Benefit: You gain a +4 sacred or profane bonus on Survival checks attempted while on or near rivers.

Just reading this makes my sinuses burn and my lungs itch, and not just because it’s springtime and I have allergies! As anyone who’s ever been in a body of water large enough to slap their face with a wave can attest to, inhaling large amounts of water sucks. While this Obedience requires only one wet breath, some... well, some pretty severe complications can arise from it, if your DM ponders even slightly what doing this to yourself every day would do. Dry drowning and secondary drowning are both real dangers from brief immersion, let alone concentrated efforts at simulating one of the worst fates someone can experience (I say this a lot but basically anything that deprives you of air is pretty terrible). The ‘simulation’ will likely only last a few seconds while the rest of the hour is spent recovering from your experience and meditating, but even that may not be enough to offset the fluid likely building up in your lungs. Priests of Hanspur must sound atrocious, coughing themselves ragged every day! No wonder it’s recommended your ritual is overseen by another priest, either, because they’d likely be skilled in helping you manage your symptoms.

Dangers of daily drownings aside, keeping up with the demands of this ritual is pretty easy so long as you’re somewhere with easy access to water. In Hanspur’s homelands, the River Kingdoms, this is pathetically simple! Everywhere else? It’s a lot harder! While I do appreciate that there’s a secondary ritual you can do if total immersion is impossible, but what happens if you’re stuck somewhere with no easy water access? Your waterskins won’t carry you for very long, even if you pilfer them from your party as well. Better invest in a Decanter of Endless Water! Or do something ridiculous like fill the party’s Bag of Holding up so you can just hop in and out whenever you need to.

That benefit is also the weakest I’ve seen in a long time, granting a bonus to only a single skill type and only while near rivers. Survival checks aren’t even all that commonly made, unless your DM is kind enough to let you use Survival to navigate with river rafts rather than Profession or Ride checks. Hanspur really doesn’t want his faithful straying too far from the River Kingdoms, which is only further exacerbated by how his Boons work, so if you’re not the type to linger near rivers you may just want to skip him entirely.

Boons are gathered slowly, typically obtained when a given character has 12, 16, and 20 hit dice. Unlike fiend-worshipers, servants of the Eldest, and devoted of the Empyreal Lords, characters worshiping Neutral gods do not have catch-all classes… but Neutral-aligned characters can enter the Evangelist, Sentinel, and Exalted Prestige Classes earlier than Evil characters, classing in as early as level 6 (they need +5 BAB, 5 ranks in a single skill, or the ability to cast lvl 3 spells); entered ASAP, one can gain the Boons at levels 8, 11, and 14. 

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EVANGELIST

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Boon 1: River Sage. Gain Hydraulic Push 3/day, River Whip 2/day, or Hydraulic Torrent 1/day.

Hydraulic Push and Hydraulic Torrent live in the same niche of “giant water spouts what push stuff around,” with Torrent being obviously an order of magnitude more powerful than Push. While Push has a range of Close and can target only a single creature or square, Torrent is a 60ft line that Bull Rushes or attempts to destroy everything it encounters, so it really depends on if you’re thinking you’ll need three small streams or one really, really big one. Notably, Torrent can Bull Rush targets of any size, unrestricted by the limits of your pathetic frame, while Push contains no such limiter removal and thus likely means you can only blast creatures up to a size larger than you.

Also of note, Torrent attempts to shatter everything it comes into contact with until it runs into something or someone it cannot destroy or push past. The Strength score the Torrent uses is equal to your caster level plus your casting ability modifier, meaning it will start out barely stronger than you are but will eventually be able to punch holes in iron and shatter stone. Hell, with a lucky roll, it may be able to do that anyway. Your choice on which two to take wholly depends on if you want to push three Medium critters around or launch one Colossal one.

What? River Whip? I don’t see any spell like that here! Lets move on! (alright alright; i just don’t like it. it’s good as an emergency weapon but more or less anything else is better in any scenario)

Boon 2: River Scion. As a free action you can breathe underwater, as if affected by Water Breathing, for a number of hours per day equal to the number of Hit Dice you possess. These hours need not be used consecutively, but must be used in 1-hour increments.

A disappointingly weak Boon. Really, what else is there to see or say? If you need to go underwater, this ability is great and has zero downsides. If you don’t, this Boon doesn’t exist. It’s a very binary Boon that relies on your environment, which means that if you’re overjoyed if you’ve remained in the River Kingdoms, but in a desert or jungle or mountain peak, you’re going to be extremely disappointed upon hitting level 11.

Boon 3: River’s Embodiment. 1/day as a standard action, you can transform yourself into a Huge water elemental, as per Elemental Body IV. You can stay in this form for 1 minute per Hit Die you possess, and can dismiss this effect as a free action.

Finally, a transformation ability that doesn’t suck! What does suck is that this is a level 7 spell being granted to you 1/day, when other Boons are equivalent to level 9 spells in power. Hanspur could have at least given you a little bonus on top of it, or made it 2/day, but it’s hard to complain about the force you become under Elemental Body IV. You become immune to bleed, critical hits, Sneak Attacks, and on top of it all get insurmountable DR 5, and the stack of stats you get? Mmmm-mm! Chef’s kiss!

+6 AC, +8 Con, +4 Str, all for the price of -2 Dex (more than made up for with the +AC). And, of course, a swim speed and the power to collapse yourself into a destructive Vortex, but those are only useful if you’re in water, while the rest of the stat buffs are far more universally useful. You’re not exactly the destructive and terrifying Fire Elemental or the deceptively sneaky Earth Elemental, but a wall of surging water can still wreak all manner of havoc on your enemies, your new dual slams able to smash ships (and bones) to pieces, and since Water Elementals are capable of speech and gesture, you can merely bask in your new tank stats while still casting spells.

There’s also the much more amusing but niche use of transforming while already polymorphed by a hostile effect, as having a new polymorph effect used on you while you’re already changed can end the first automatically.

While I wish the effect was usable more often, or at least broken into 1-minute increments, I can’t call it a bad Boon by any means.

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EXALTED

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Boon 1: River Guide. Gain Obscuring Mist 3/day, Haunting Mists2/day, or Aqueous Orb 1/day.

I love the name of this ability because two of the three spells do the opposite of guiding people. Now I’m a big fan of Obscuring Mist; it’s a simple staple in my list for almost every caster I make just because of how versatile it is! But now that I know there’s an alternative, it may have competition. Both Obscuring Mist and Haunting Mists do roughly the same thing, but one could argue that Haunting Mists does it better; in addition to granting concealment and shutting off an enemy’s eyes, it deals 1d2 Wisdom damage and shakes up anyone starting their turn inside the mist... But as a Figment spell with the Fear descriptor, there are a great many creatures immune to its unique power, and True Seeing allows one to see through it perfectly, whereas Obscuring Mist remains impenetrable to the apex predator of the Illusion school.

While it cannot be dispelled by wind or motion like a tangible fog, it’s important to note that there’s no way to protect specific creatures from the sanity-damaging effects of Haunting Mists, and its casting distance of 20ft and 20ft spread means that you will likely always be caught in its radius. The range means using it offensively is painfully limited, unless you want to cast it from invisibility after sneaking into the middle of an enemy formation, which... you probably, definitely don’t want to make a habit of.

It’s great for covering your retreat, but not your advance or setup like the normal Mist is.

Aqueous Orb is a good choice if your party is getting screwed over by the mist more than the enemy, creating a big ol’ 10ft ball of water that intercepts and engulfs anything that moves into it, or which it moves into. It deals 2d6 nonlethal damage whenever it rams into a creature and a further 2d6 to everything it has engulfed each round, but the damage isn’t so much the main draw as the fact it’s a massive, roving Sphere of Grappling, snaring and drowning any creature it manages to get ahold of if they fail the Reflex save. It’s a fun little spell that’s great for mopping up and controlling minions, especially ones you don’t actually want to kill, and even at its worst it can become a makeshift barrier in a narrow hallway since there’s no written way to actually move through it beyond wasting 2, 3, or more rounds by slamming into it and swimming through to the other side while your party books it in the other direction.

Boon 2: River Traveler. As a free action, you can grant yourself and any allies within 30 feet of you a swim speed of 60 feet. This effect lasts for 1 round per Hit Die you possess or until you dismiss it as a free action, whichever comes first. Your allies must remain within 30 feet of you or lose this benefit. In addition, you gain a +2 profane or sacred bonus on saves against spells with the Water descriptor.

See, this should have been added to River Scion as a bonus. River Scion and River Traveler feel like they could have combined into a single Boon to make something decent, but as it is they both fall into the same niche: Solves the encounter they’re meant to solve, useless otherwise. This ability is noteworthy for having no restrictions about how many times it can be used, essentially letting you switch swimming off and on at will. The fact it doesn’t take an action is incredibly important, because using the massive 60ft swim speed the ability grants actually removes the bonus, as getting further than 30ft from you makes it fizzle.

I don’t really understand why it would grant 60ft of movespeed if they’re restricted to a 30ft bubble, nor do I understand the purpose of the bubble in the first place. It makes exploration a slog, and escape scenarios more finicky than they should be. Since it can be activated whenever you need to as a free action, the duration feels unneeded. There’s so much about this ability that conflicts with itself that it bugs me too much to say much in the way of positives. The +2 to saves vs Water spells is a fun little ribbon, though most Water spells tend to be harmless utility spells rather than ones you’d need to make a save against.

Boon 3: River’s Depths. 1/day as a standard action, you can cause one creature within 30 feet to begin drowning, filling its lungs with water. The target of this ability can attempt a Fortitude save (DC = 10 + 1/2 your HD + your Wis mod) to negate the effect. If the target succeeds, it is staggered for 1 round. If it fails, the target immediately begins to suffocate. On the target’s next turn, it falls unconscious and is reduced to 0 hit points. One round later, the target drops to –1 hit points and is dying. One round after that, the target dies. Each round, the target can attempt a Fortitude save to end the effect. This ability affects only living creatures that must breathe and cannot breathe underwater. This is a curse effect.

Now this one’s just insulting, being a technically weaker version of a level 5 spell, Suffocation. It’s weaker in four ways: 1) It fails against creatures which are amphibious which, if you’re in the River Kingdoms, is many. 2) It’s curse effect, which can mean some creatures are resistant or immune to it. 3) It has a 30ft range, unlike Suffocation’s range of Close (25ft + 5ft/level). And, finally, 4) Just ONE successful save ends the effect entirely, while Suffocation continues to torment and stagger the victim for 3 rounds until its effects finally expire.

It’s hard to ignore fact that it’s a basically a Save-Or-Die with excellent DC scaling, but I can’t get over it being weaker than an existing level 5 spell! ... Granted, Suffocation could probably get away with being bumped an extra level or two higher given how frighteningly effective it is at shutting down any creature who needs to breathe even if they succeed their save. I’m probably slamming down too hard on an ability that, again, is a Save-Or-Die at best and an unavoidable stagger at worst (good for making some emergency repairs against a powerful full-attacker), and for extra fun can be used without any components involved, so you can just drop it on someone out of the blue and they’ll have no idea who just tried to kill them. While I am disappointed it doesn’t meet the power of other Boons, it’s undeniably effective against a large portion of the creatures you’ll be fighting, even at 1/day.

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SENTINEL

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Boon 1: River Warden. Gain Wave Shield 3/day, Masterwork Transformation 2/day, or Quench 1/day.

Wave Shield is one of those rare spells that are amazing to have, but not especially good to prepare or to waste a precious Spells Known slot on. It’s an immediate action spell that grants insurmountable DR and Fire Resistance equal to half your caster level in response to a single incoming attack, which isn’t stupendous at low levels but is a generous equivalent to immediate, on-demand temporary HP as you get higher and higher level. If a creature relies on a lot of little hits rather than a few big ones, blocking even one of them can save you in the long run, and if your DR cancels out the damage from a poisoned or diseased attack, all the better!

It’s not an especially strong spell given how it only works once before fading away, but it’s better than the other two options by a country mile. Masterwork Transformation is something you’ll rarely need more than a few times in a campaign before masterwork items fall into your laps (or you can simply buy them), and by the time you gain this ability it will likely no longer matter. That being said, if you’re in a low-wealth campaign or have been forced to scavenge for your gear, Masterwork Transformation will save you THOUSANDS of gp over the course of your life, because as a spell-like, the material components are ignored and thus you can slowly upgrade your entire party’s armaments for free. Given its ability to affect a generous 50 pieces of ammunition per casting as well means the Ranger and Gunslinger will adore you, and you can work in tandem with a mystic craftsman (PC or otherwise) to get all of your favorite gear enchanted without discarding your precious family heirloom sword for that masterwork one you looted.

Not to mention the simple joy in taking all the gear off a bandit clan, Masterworking all of it, and selling it for a tidy profit.

Compared to the combat utility of Wave Shield and noncombat utility of Masterwork Transformation, it’s hard to make a case for Quench, which falls into the category of ‘niche spell’ like Water Breathing and Water Walking in that it will instantly solve a handful of scenarios and be utterly useless in the rest. Yes, you may need to put out a forest fire or stop a building you’re in from burning to a crisp, but you’ll have to decide if it’s worth giving up three emergency DR 4/-- and Fire Resistance 4 bandages... as the martial-focused Sentinel. If you plan on fighting a fire that day or encountering a magic item that can generate fires (which Quench shuts off for 1d4 hours) and no one else in your party bothered learning Quench, by all means, but as the Sentinel having the DR is probably better in most cases.

Boon 2: River Champion. 3/day as a standard action, you can sculpt water into the form of a melee weapon that you are proficient with. You must have enough water to form the weapon, an amount equal to the weapon’s normal weight. Once formed, the weapon behaves as a weapon of its type with an enhancement bonus of +1, which increases by 1 for every 5 additional HD you have beyond 5 (max +4). This weapon deals double damage to creatures with the Fire subtype. The weapon dissolves into ordinary water after a number of rounds equal to your HD or as soon as it leaves your hand, whichever happens first.

Boons which call weapons to your hand are alright in cases where your signature weapon has been taken from you, and by the time you receive this ability you will have a signature weapon, but such times tend to come few and far between. This one also has the additional caveat that you don’t actually create the weapon from nowhere, there must already be water around to make it, at least enough water to match the weapon’s typical weight. The good news is that a gallon of water weighs about 8 pounds, and a trident--Hanspur’s holy weapon--weighs only 4, with most other weapons barely ever approaching 10, so you can reasonably carry around an emergency weapon in a waterskin or in your backpack... And you know, now that I think about it, it’s kind of cool to be able to turn a glass of water into a dagger.

But when will you need to? How often do you find yourself bereft of a usable weapon often enough to need an emergency armament like this? I can see the niche in front of me, making a new weapon as-needed against creatures whose DR makes them difficult to damage with your normal gear or taking advantage of that delicious little tidbit about doing double-damage to fire-based creatures, but they take your whole standard action to make and last for only a single combat (if that), and you can’t even shuffle around the +1 bonuses for additional effects!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s by no means bad (unless you’re both in a waterless area and haven’t filled your waterskin), especially at 3/day, but I can’t help but wonder when you’d actually need it at level 11+ when you likely already have a primary weapon and several backups. 

Boon 3: River’s Renewal. When completely submerged in water, you gain Fast Healing 2. You can recover a total number of hit points equal to twice your HD in this manner each day. At 20 HD, if you fall below 0 hit points and your body is fully submerged in a river, you automatically stabilize.

As a final Boon, I wish the Fast Healing had a higher threshold than just 28 points a day (+2 per level). In combat it likely won’t matter, and while out of combat it’s a decent amount of healing, usually enough to spare a couple spell slots from your healers or some potions, it’s just not all that impressive for a third and final Boon. Sentinels are the only followers of Hanspur who don’t get some method to easily navigate the seas, so taking advantage of this Boon to its fullest extent relies on an outside method of gaining water breathing or a swim speed.

Funnily enough, you can carry around a Bag of Holding filled with water and use it as a recuperative pod in case you don’t have access to a deep puddle, which is dubiously useful but not entirely terrible. HOWEVER, the little addition at the end is also a kick in the teeth; why does that only happen at level 20? Why can’t that be a base part of the Boon? It’s just insul--Wait, it only works if you’re submerged in a river, too? You can’t stabilize with some good old pond water? The mighty ocean? Can’t take a dip in a bathtub to stop bleeding out? Come on, Hanspur!!! Be a little more generous to your worshipers!

I dunno, maybe I’m underselling the out-of-combat healing this Boon offers, but it just doesn’t feel worth it to put up with the Water Rat for your entire adventuring career just for an extra 1/8th of an HP bar.

You can read more about him here.

[sparring-spirals]

I have a whole flurry of thoughts but in an attempt to sort some of them I’m going to focus on one, specifically (and one that i, personally, love), which is the idea of the Mighty Nein as a found family.

I think, as a general fan of the “found family” trope, a big part of the appeal is the road there. It’s the finding. All of the ugly disagreements and white lies and secrets and the unreasonable amount of fake names and past lives, and the process of uncovering that. A big part of the appeal is watching these dysfunctional characters learn how to love each other.

I feel like, this episode, in a lot of ways, was a kicker for me to realize that the M9 are past that stage, in a lot of ways. They’re still not perfect at reading each other, there are still certain things they aren’t sharing with each other, but. I think this episode very much drove home for me how set in stone the love and trust already is. When they define families, and people they love, when they draw their battle lines, it is unthinkable, now, that any of them would be on the other side.

Of course for the obvious reasons; with Caleb drawing all of their memories and experiences together in glittering light. And not just their experiences together, but things from their pasts, too; zuala, veth and her family, caleb and his classmates. The lodestones of their ugly, dark, sometimes shameful pasts, the sort of secrets they were scrambling to keep and hide, or to forget, or to move on from. Looking at the whole spread of what they have done, and been through, together, and going “I think it was worth it”. Of course that’s a big part of it.

But its also like- like the Traveller, implying that of course, Jester (and the Mighty Nein) would be okay, he would never let her or her loved ones succumb to a pesky old memory curse. Package deal, (in as binding of a deal that you can force a trickster archfey to make). Of course its not just about Jester. He’s not guaranteeing any of the other follower schmucks, yeah, but Jester- and the M9- yeah of course. He wouldn’t let that happen.

Its like- sitting in a circle, reciting facts. Using the things you’ve learned about these close-lipped idiots that you would absolutely die for, gently prodding them with the same information they, at one point, would never have given up. Do you remember your wife’s name? (The one whose death you blame yourself for, who you press flowers for). Your mentor’s name? (The one you modeled your fake accent after). Do you remember? I do. I’ll keep pressing you until you do. I’ll keep healing you until you do.

It has always been, of course, flinging themselves through the air, through the water, to save each other. Physically grappling with someone in an ominous underwater tunnel, trying to get them to listen, grabbing someone and dimension dooring them facefirst into the beach, without a second thought. It puts a different edge on their fear, maybe. Because getting off this island is about getting all of them off. In one piece. Getting out of this together, no one left behind, no one with gaps in their memories. The villagers are important. The crew is important. Vilya is important. But the ones they go to bat for, the ones they will rage over and fight until their last breath for, no hesitation, no second thoughts. Is each other.

None of this is new, exactly. It was all hard earned, and steadily built, and hey, thats why we love Critical Role, right? But there’s something about this episode, I think, that drove home just how true it all is. The Mighty Nein are a found family. They found each other. They kept finding each other. They aren’t going to let anyone go now.

(and, of course, to give credit to the SHEER AMOUNT of lovely shippy content in this episode: part of significance drawing the line on who are Your People, also means now you maybe start sorting out the specifics of what those people mean to you. Beyond family you would lay your life down for, that is.)

[itsthenovelteafactor]

Superhero Gothic

Thanks to everyone who responded to my previous post (special shoutout to @jeyfeather1234 💛 ) about superheroes and gothic media! I know it’s been, like, a month, but here we go.

Here’s a bit of a look into some common gothic themes, and how they apply to Doom Patrol, The Boys, Watchmen (2019), and The Umbrella Academy. This one’s a bit long, not gonna lie, but I hope you enjoy! 

Part I: Let’s Talk About Gothic Media

There is not actually an all-encompassing definition for gothic media, or even a universally agreed-upon one. You’re probably familiar with some well-known gothic works (think Dracula, Frankenstein, Edgar Allen Poe, Stephen King) but there is a lot of debate on what exactly makes them gothic. 

There are some common themes in gothic works, though: families/characters under the control of a tyrannical paterfamilias, the crumbling of the established order/estate, long-buried secrets that have consequences in the present, and supernatural events that are stand-ins for/reflective of the emotional state/past actions of the characters. 

(Note: these aren’t all the themes of gothic works or even most of them, but for purposes here, I’d like to limit this analysis to them. I’d love to talk about other themes/ideas, though, if anyone has them. 😊)

So… superheroes (quick overview in case you haven’t watched any of them… spoiler warnings for the rest of this discussion)

Doom Patrol:

Five misfit superhumans attempt to rescue their mentor figure when he is kidnapped by an old enemy.

They are very, very bad at it.

Also features a singing horse head, a sentient nonbinary teleporting street (who is by far the best character) and the narrator is the fourth-wall breaking series villain. 

Beautifully weird but will also emotionally devastate you. Criminally underrated, tbh.

Watchmen (2019):

Story takes place after the canon of the graphic novel which is too much to summarize.

Alternate history (that should really feel more fictitious than it does) where white supremacist organization the Seventh Cavalry, masked police officers, and former superheroes in hiding all collide in Tulsa Oklahoma

Swept the Emmys this year and ABSOLUTELY DESERVED TO

The Umbrella Academy:

Washed up former child superheroes are forced to reunite when their father dies under mysterious circumstances 

Time travel, dysfunctional siblings, and a killer soundtrack

Basically a family drama with the superhero story as secondary (complimentary)

Probably the most obviously gothic of all of these it is aesthetic AF 

The Boys: 

Superheroes exist but they are corporate sellouts under the control of evil company Not-Amazon (AKA Vought)

Regular human protagonists try to hold them accountable for their actions with varying (read: usually minimal) success

Yes, it’s the one from those weird ads earlier this year

Billy Joel!! 

Part II: Niles Caulder, Ozymandias, and Other Terrible Father Figures

The Tyrannical Paterfamilias: 

Does not always mean a father figure explicitly, often relating to the notion of a patriarchal tradition, or family inheritance that plays a role in controlling the main characters. 

Sometimes, it is a father figure. 

Sometimes, it is a representative of patriarchal tradition/male head of pseudo-family unit.

So, uh, role call: 

Reginald Hargreeves (even in death) holds power over his children, and has shaped all of them into the adults they have become, and that drives the majority of the conflict. Each of the major character individually grapples with the after-effects of his abuse. Luther feels the need to be the leader and protect everyone and alienates his allies as a consequence. Diego constantly asserts himself as a hero (often to dangerous extremes) because it is the only way he was ever valued. Allison has to teach herself boundaries and responsible use of her powers after he encouraged her to abuse them for years. Klaus turns to drugs to cope with his childhood trauma. Five disobeyed his father with disastrous consequences and is constantly fighting to not become him. Vanya spent her entire childhood in the background, and never learned to assert herself in a healthy way. Thanks, Reggie.

Homelander says that The Seven are like a family. While whether or not this is accurate (it isn’t) is up for debate, he does occupy the tyrannical paterfamilias roles incredibly well. Homelander controls every member of the Seven, threatening them and their loved ones whenever they step out of line (read: do not do exactly what he wants in the exact way he wants them to do it.) He is also very closely tied with conservative/patriarchal rhetoric in-universe and at one point dates a literal Nazi. 

William Butcher less evil than most of the other characters on this list but the bar is also like, on the ground. Butcher tries to control the Boys in a similar way (Butcher and Homelander are character foils, okay? it’s actually pretty neat). He’s perfectly willing to sacrifice them in pursuit of his own goals, disregards their points of view and the well-being of their loved ones, and tries to cut loose anyone who disagrees with his methods (recall when Hughie tried to rescue his friends at the end of s1 and Butcher… punched him in the face? Yeah, that.) The difference is that the Boys can push back against his without being, you know, brutally murdered. (And also the Butcher isn’t a literal monster; I’m not anti-Butcher, okay? He’s an interesting character and the fact that he seems constantly on the verge of becoming that which he hates most is part of what makes him interesting.)

Guess what, folks? It’s hating Niles Caulder hours. He engineered accidents to turn the main characters into his test subjects, and then kept them conveniently hidden away in his large manor. Stole their autonomy and independence but paints himself as a benevolent father figure. And that’s not even including what he does to his actual daughter, Dorothy. He’s terrified of her growing up (read: becoming a young woman) and so he locks her away for almost 100 years and, when she is freed, yells at her constantly and makes her terrified of showing any signs of maturation (even though she’s 111 and clearly tired of being written off as a child).

The relationship between Ozymandias and his daughter, Lady Trieu, is integral to the final act of Watchmen. Heralded as the “smartest man in the world,” Ozymandias refused to acknowledge his daughter as his until he needed something from her. While Lady Trieu is more self-sufficient and independent than some of the applications of this trope, she goes to great lengths to prove herself, first to him, and then to herself when he rejects her.

Part III: Been a Long Time Gone (Constantinople) 

Gothic fiction is often associated with change, and particularly, the collapse of established systems of power. For example, many works like The House of the Seven Gables and The Fall of the House of Usher take place in old, crumbling manor houses. There is a reason for this! These kinds of estates are remnants of a past that is irreversibly gone, and their continued presence in decrypt forms serves as a reminder. 

Each of the four series takes place at a moment, either on a wide scale or on a personal scale (or both!), in which an established order is being questioned, and the constant reminders of that failed order are used to gothic effect.

The Umbrella Academy plays this most directly (In fact, there are TONS of parallels between the end of s1 of TUA and House of Usher that I don’t have the time to get into right now... lmk if you want that meta). We can see the Hargreeves mansion as a very literal example of this. While not worn down, the house is notably both very large and very empty. Shelves are filled with merchandise for a superhero team that disbanded over a decade prior, and portraits of a family that no longer speaks to each other. None of the family members ever seem truly comfortable or at ease in the house, and for good reason - every back corner is a reminder of their incredibly traumatic childhood. 

In The Boys, the story begins with the fridging death of the main character’s girlfriend, Robin, at the hands of a member of the Seven, a group of heroes so ingrained in the public consciousness that when they later hide out in a costume shop, literally every single costume is for one of Vought’s heroes. The Seven represent the system in power, which, at the disposal of Not-Amazon means corporate greed, shallow altruism, and the cultivation of public personas at the expense of actual humanity. 

From that moment on, the sheer presence of The Seven on everything from public billboards to breakfast cereal is a remainder for Hughie (and the audience) that this established system doesn’t work and is based on lies, which serves this effect on a personal level. In the broader scale, however, we also see that the Seven themselves are fracturing under an unsustainable business model. Even their name, “The Seven” starts to seem a bit dated when halfway through season one through the end of season two there are notably... less than seven of them. 

The main characters in Doom Patrol are all in recovery after the accidents that irreversibly changed their lives. We see through flashbacks the people that they used to be, and the difference is striking. They were each established in their own elements: Cliff a famous race-car driver, Rita a world renowned actress, Larry a hero pilot, Jane was involved in counter-cultural movements, Vic was a student and athlete. The foundations upon which their worlds were established are completely decimated by the accidents, and now they (save Vic and sometimes Jane) live mostly in isolation in Niles’ manor house, an estate that is far larger than would be necessary to comfortably house a group of their size.

And you feel the emptiness, both in the manor, and in the lives of the characters. They have barely created a shadow version of their own existence when the series starts, so fragile that a simple trip into town devolves into utter chaos. 

Angela Abar of Watchmen has also constructed a life following the terrifying act of terrorism on the White Night. It’s a bit of a double life, and we see that the balancing act is challenging for her, even before the story truly begins. The death of Judd Crawford, and the revelation about him that follows is not only traumatizing on a personal level (but it definitely is that), but also upsets her understanding of the world. People she’s come to trust are not just dishonest but truly monstrous. And the more Angela learns about what has been happening, the more her understanding of the world begins to unravel. Her memories, and the memories of those around her are cast in a much more sinister light, and the effect is genuinely chilling. 

Part IV: “I’m the Little Girl Who Threw the Brick in the Air”

In episode 3 of Watchmen, Laurie contacts Dr. Manhattan on the cosmic phone booth to tell him a joke. It’s a version of what TVTropes calls the “brick joke,” and it relies on set up taking place early on, other stuff happening, and then the response coming at an unexpected moment. 

So, yeah. Events of the past/buried secrets resurfacing with consequences in the present.

Continuing with the theme from Watchmen, the entire series is punctuated with the way the past and the present intertwine, with elements from both the original Watchmen graphic novel, and actual American history. One of the things we talked a lot about in my gothic lit class was the manner in which the overhanging specter of past atrocities casts a shadow over the present, and how many works cannot help but have gothic themes because there are so many horrifying things in the past that cannot be ignored, and provide both context and nuance for the discussions we have in the present. No series tackles these topics quite so directly (and with as much care) as Watchmen. (note: it does not always make for easy viewing, but if you’re in a place where you feel like you can engage with that kind of material, I highly recommend the show.)

In Doom Patrol, the past actions of the characters very much control the storyline (see: previous discussion of Niles Caulder), but the character whose storyline I want to talk about here is Rita (partially for plot reasons and partially because I just love Rita, okay?). We learn when we first meet Rita that in the past she was... not a great person. We know that the trauma of the accident that gave her her powers has changed her, we also know that she still holds on to the guilt and that her guilt has limited the scope of her world for years, but we don’t know what exactly it is that she’s done. 

Enter Mr. Nobody, all-powerful narrator who is not just aware of Rita’s greatest sins, but perfectly capable of manifesting reminders of them into the story. She is confronted with empty cradles, and the sound of crying children in the background of many scenes and we see how much it effects her, without a full understanding of why it does (see: The Tell-Tale Heart). Her past begins to haunt her physically, and she begins to crumble in response to it, until finally she is forced to confide in a stranger (and thus the audience). The past actions do not just inform the audience of Rita’s character - they show up to influence her behavior in the present. 

The ending of The Umbrella Academy season 1 is super evocative of the gothic genre with Vanya breaking open the soundproof chamber (wherein she was silenced for years) and rising from the basement to destroy the last remnants of the Hargreeves legacy (which would be awesome if the last remnants of the Hargreeves legacy didn’t include the rest of her family). Pretty much every mistake the siblings make over the course of the season feeds together to create the finale, but the primary cause isn’t something any of them actually did. It all ties back to Reginald Hargreeves’ complete inability to be nice to children. Any children. His own and random strangers that need help. 

In The Boys, while the extent to which people are making f-ed up choices in the present cannot be expressed enough, we see through the characters of Homelander that many of the present difficulties are a result of past mistakes. Particularly, the profit-seeking corruption within Vought. We learn in s1 through Vogelbaum that Homelander was raised in a lab by Vought as an experiment, only to be unceremoniously thrust into the spotlight and told he was a superhero (which... does not justify a single one of his actions but is still a major yikes). As the head scientist of the project, Vogelbaum is very aware that ignoring his conscious if the name of research has essentially created the biggest threat their world has ever seen. 

(Seriously y’all just stop raising your super kids in isolation) 

Part V: Put Them Together, and They’re the MF-ing Spice Girls 

Having the environment respond to characters’ emotions/mental states is pretty common in gothic works (it was a dark and stormy night = someone is probably not doing super well). One of the advantages of the genre’s tendency towards the supernatural is that, often, those elements of the stories, as well, are reflections of the main ideas of a work of fiction (see: Stephen King’s really unsubtle period metaphors).

Because all of these shows have a ton of supernatural/scifi elements by virtue of being, well, superhero shows, I thought it would be easier (and more fun!) to come up with a short list of elements, what they mean, and what cases they might apply to.

1. A Nonlinear Experience of Time

The Umbrella Academy: legitimately about time travel. Characters are attempting to fix the timeline but are unable to because they are both mentally and sometimes literally stuck in the past. 

Watchmen: In the episode This Extraordinary Being, Angela experiences firsthand the experiences of her grandfather, under the influence of a drug called Nostalgia. The episode touches on many themes, one of which being the impact of generational trauma in marginalized communities. Throughout the series, Dr. Manhatten is cursed with experiencing all time at once, and the episode A God Walks into Abar illustrates that, because of this, he is constantly facing the consequences of particular actions before, after, and while he is preforming him.

Doom Patrol: Mr. Nobody is able to physically travel to one of Jane’s flashbacks via his fourth-wall breaking powers, and gives Dr. Harrison an ultimatum for the future. 

What it implies: Events, particularly events that evoke guilt or conflict, are not as rooted in the past as one would like to think.

2. Powers/Abilities that reflect personal trauma/failings

Doom Patrol: Larry’s abilities/bond with the Negative Spirit have made it so that he is constantly covering himself with bandages/avoiding other people, which reflects his experiences having to hide his identity as a gay man in the 50/60s. Rita forced herself to walk a thin line, betraying everything in pursuit of her image; her abilities require constant effort to keep her entire body from becoming misshapen and out of control. Vic’s father with boundary issues can literally control his perception of the world through his cybernetic enhancements. Dorothy’s abilities manifest as imaginary friends because she was kept isolated for years at a time. 

The Umbrella Academy: pretty much all of the kids’ powers are representative of the interpersonal skills they were never able to develop. Luther is super-durable but also the most emotionally vulnerable of the group. Five can teleport and time travel but always seems to be too late to stop things. Diego can manipulate the trajectory of projectiles but cannot escape the path his father set out for him, not matter how much he resents it. Vanya always forced herself to stay quiet until the sound literally explodes out of her.

The Boys: Annie’s abilities allow her to control light, but she struggles (in the beginning) to bring to light the horrible things done to her behind closed doors. 

Watchmen: Not technically a power, but Looking Glass’ mirror-mask is a constant reminder of the hall of mirrors that both saved his life and traumatized him forever. 

What it implies: from a story perspective, these allow for an exploration of trauma/guilt to occur on a scale much larger than people simply talking about their problems (as if anyone on any of these shows knows how to talk about their problems...) It also means that the trauma/guilt of the characters takes on a physical form that is able to haunt them, and constantly remind them/hold them accountable for their past actions.

3. Diluted Sense of Reality:

Doom Patrol: The first season is narrated by its main villain, and throughout the season we see that the act of narration itself has an impact on the story.

Watchmen: The event that kicks off the plot of the story is hinged upon a paradox introduced by Angela near the end of the series when trying to speak to her Grandfather in the past through Dr. Manhattan.

The Umbrella Academy: The pair of episodes in season 1, The Day that Wasn’t and The Day That Was take the same point in time and explore two possible avenue for the future from there, with The Day that Wasn’t ending with the events of the entire episode being completely erased from the timeline.

What it implies: you can’t necessarily trust everything you see, even from the audience perspective, giving them a position not unlike that of the characters. The character’s uncertainty and confusion is magnified and reflected in the world that surrounds them.

Other examples: an apocalypse (The Umbrella Academy, Doom Patrol, Watchmen (of a sort)), ghosts (The Umbrella Academy - hi, Ben!), immortality/invulnerability (Watchmen, Doom Patrol, The Boys), and characters that look significantly younger than they actually are (The Boys, The Umbrella Academy, Doom Patrol). 

Part VI: Why Did You Write a Literal Essay Don’t You Have Real Schoolwork (yes... shhhhh...)

And... there you have it. I don’t really have some grand conclusion here. This is (clearly) far from a complete analysis but it is the most my finals-week brain can concoct at the moment. 

If you have other ideas, let me know! You can always add to the notes or message me ��� my inbox is always open!  If you got this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read this! Much love! ❤️

[westallenfun]

Two's Company (3/3)

Westallen secret santa gift

For: Lauren (@backtothestart02) (Happy holidays! I hope you like this fic!)

From: Lina (@cheryls-blossomed)

A/N: A special thank you to my beta, Caroline (@ginandweas).

Inspired by Jane Austen’s Emma and the blissfulness and hardship of tumbling into true love.  On the eve of publication of the most important article of her professional career thus far, Iris West realizes that she is head over heels in love with her best friend Barry Allen, but she grapples with revealing her feelings, for fear of ruining their friendship. But a weekend trip to Metropolis sets in motion a series of events, romantic mishaps and conundrums abound, that may force Barry and Iris to face some long-awaited, romantic truths.

Rating: T (Warning: Mild Language)

The mezzanine just above the ballroom of the Time Metropolis is a well-furnished carpeted landing with at least seven chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and a wide, glass balcony supposedly for onlookers to look upon the dancing masses below. There are refreshment stalls, serving a variety of beverages, and waiters carrying platters of an assortment of appetizers, including chili lime shrimp cups, fried okra, and goat cheese bites.

When the elevator arrives at the floor of the mezzanine, Iris steps out alongside her father and Cecile and sees that most people are milling around, chatting with one another. It would seem that no one has yet headed down the stairs to the ballroom, which holds the promise of a night of dancing. Furthermore, nobody seems to have noticed Joe, Cecile, and Iris’s arrival yet, as they are several feet away from everyone, which comes as somewhat of a relief for Iris, as she scans the room quickly, her eyes searching for one person only. Sure enough, she finds him, seated at a table, head pressed into his palm, a glass of wine before him, and wearing a distinctly melancholy expression. He is seated beside Cisco and Cynthia, who are conversing with one another, but looking over at him every few seconds, worryingly. Iris swallows, twisting her fingers behind her back, as she feels her sadness and anger dissipate, upon seeing how utterly torn up he looks, and she knows she must speak with Barry. She feels a hand on her shoulder and looks up to see her father giving her a reassuring smile, which she returns. When she looks back, she sees that Barry has seen her, as have Cisco and Cynthia. Cynthia appears jovial, leaving the table to come greet them, followed by Cisco, just as other guests begin noticing the new arrivals and start walking over to congratulate Joe and Cecile.

But Iris cannot tear her gaze away from Barry.

Because he’s regarding her like he never has before, as if the wind has been knocked out of him, as if he’s been rendered utterly speechless by her mere presence, gazing at her utterly wide-eyed, and the sheer intensity of the number of emotions his look conveys is too much for Iris, so she looks down at the floor, breathing deeply.

“Hi, Iris,” someone says, and Iris glances to her left and smiles politely when she sees Patty approaching towards her. She appears to be alone, which strikes Iris as odd, but perhaps what is even stranger, now that she thinks about it, is that Eddie is nowhere to be found.

“Hey, Patty,” Iris replies. “How are you?”

“I’m alright. Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, thank you. I think I just needed to get some rest. Between traveling and then going out last night, I think I was just over tired.”

“Yeah, of course. I’m glad you’re feeling better now.” An awkward silence descends upon them, and Iris is unsure how to progress the conversation, but she can sense that Patty wants to say something further.

“Are you here by yourself?” Iris queries, intuitively determining that perhaps Patty’s odd behavior might have to do with Eddie’s conspicuous absence.

“You noticed, huh,” Patty bites out sardonically. “I’m supposed to be here with Eddie. In fact, Eddie is literally supposed to be here, because he’s hosting the night. But I waited for him for like thirty minutes in the lobby, and he never showed up, so I came here, thinking perhaps he’d forgotten to meet me— wouldn’t be the first time he’s done that —but he’s not here either. I’ve been calling him and texting him, but he’s being absolutely unresponsive.”

“You’re not worried, are you? Because I’m sure he’ll turn up. As you said, he is hosting this.”

“Oh, I’m not worried,” Patty says. “I asked at the concierge if they’d seen him, and they said he had stepped out earlier today. And that Katie was with him.” Iris’s eyebrows raise, as she takes in this information. For she now realizes that Katie is also not present, and after she and Eddie had acted so bizarrely around each other yesterday, it is not particularly surprising that there is more to that story.

“So, they’re likely not coming here tonight,” Iris concludes, and Patty shrugs,

“So much for being a great host. Anyways, how am I supposed to tell Cecile that her god son might not be attending the gala he’s throwing in her and her husband’s honor?”

“Just tell her the truth, but don’t make it seem like Eddie abandoned her. I mean, we honestly don’t know where he is or why he is so delayed, but he could still make an appearance later tonight, after all.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Iris.” Iris nods, smiling reassuringly, as Patty heads over to Cecile who is standing a few feet away, chatting with one of the other guests. For a few moments, Iris is alone, as she mulls over Eddie and Katie’s absence, wondering what was so urgent that they had to leave right before Eddie was meant to begin hosting this gala for Joe and Cecile. Apart from his apparent inability to be a good host, it just seems so sudden, especially since Katie had been clearly trying to goad Eddie last night, by paying him no attention, and he had taken the bait with all his fuming and glowering.

A proffered glass of champagne enters her line of vision, and when Iris looks up, she sees Barry, handsome as ever in his tuxedo, holding the glass in front of her. His eyes are warm, conveying an abundance of emotions, and he’s smiling at her softly.

“Hi,” he says, almost a whisper.

“Hi,” she breathes, her voice also very quiet. They’re both gazing at each other, neither saying a word, before Barry lets out a small laugh, remembering himself.

“You look incredible,” he murmurs, as if in absolute awe, and the way he says it, with such reverence, makes her heart soar.

“Thank you, Barry. You look very handsome.”

He blushes, ducking his head, slightly, before continuing, “Uh, this is… this for you. I wanted to save a glass for you, because it’s elderflower and… you know, I realize now that there’s a bar, which I’m sure is probably stocked, now that I think about it… yeah, I’m sure it is, but at the time, I thought they might run out of glasses of champagne, because it didn’t seem like they had too many left being passed around. But I definitely wasn’t thinking about the bar. So, well, this is… for you, if you want it, of course. Do you want it? Because I can take it back and then…”

“Yes, I want it,” Iris chuckles, interrupting his rambling, which she finds utterly endearing, as Barry nervously runs a hand through his hair. “Thank you, Barry. I do love elderflower champagne.”

“Yeah, I know,” he answers softly. There’s something in his voice at that moment… an emotion that Iris cannot quite pinpoint, but it nonetheless ignites an intense warmth within her, and when she glances up at him, he’s regarding her almost sadly, like he wants so very much to tell her something, but he is unable to. She wants to tell him that it’s okay, that he can tell her anything and everything that he wants, but before she can, he whispers, “You’re wearing the necklace.” Her hand comes up to touch the wedding band, and she nods, smiling,

“Of course, I am. My best friend gave it to me.” He breathes out harshly, taking a step closer towards her, reaching his hand towards hers, almost as if by instinct.

“Iris, I need—,” he begins, but he is cut off by Cisco and Cynthia racing up to the both of them, having just congratulated Joe and Cecile and chattering about Eddie Thawne’s absence, of all things. Iris has half a mind to stare them both down for interrupting her moment with Barry, but decides against it, because she knows they didn’t exactly mean to tumble in on a private moment. Barry, on the other hand, does not seem to agree with this sentiment, for he is shooting Cisco a dark look, although Cisco, thankfully, seems oblivious.

“Can you believe Eddie isn’t even here?” Cisco asks immediately, shaking his head in apparent disbelief.

“I’m actually very surprised by him not turning up on time,” Cynthia replies. “I cannot imagine Eddie Thawne missing a gala that he, himself, is hosting. This is completely and utterly his element.”

“Katie isn’t here either. Apparently, she and Eddie went off somewhere earlier today and didn’t return. Patty told me,” Iris says, and Barry’s brow furrows at that, before he adds,

“I knew something was off between those two yesterday. It would maybe explain why the vibe was just completely off last night, like something just wasn’t adding up.” Iris catches Barry’s eye at that moment, and she feels her pulse race, upon the realization that Barry was apparently as completely befuddled and equally bemused about what was going on with Katie and Eddie as they all were. And that could only mean one thing, right?

“I think that much was obvious to all of us,” Cynthia replies, rolling her eyes. “Those two are a pair of absolute paragons of etiquette and normalcy when they’re around each other, aren’t they?” Everyone laughs at that, likely recalling the rather odd behavior both Katie and Eddie engaged in the previous night, which strengthens Iris’s resolve that perhaps she had been completely mistaken about what she had witnessed between Barry and Katie, although that betraying voice reminds her of the dinner at Marano’s, much to her chagrin. She is aware, though, that that is a question that needed answering. Eventually. Because at the moment she is certain that she wants to find that equilibrium again with Barry, before diving headlong into conversations that would likely change everything.  

Quiet orchestral music begins to play, and a man steps up onto the mezzanine, gesturing with his hands towards Joe, Cecile, and the rest of the guests.

“I am the manager of the Time Metropolis. Mr. Thawne is unfortunately detained tonight, although he hopes to make an appearance later on. He asks that we host this night in his absence, and so if I could invite the guests of honor, Mr. West and Ms. Horton, and everyone else to please head to the ballroom, then we can officially commence the festivities.”

“Thank you,” Joe says, holding out his hand to Cecile. After she takes his hand, and the two of them begin to head down the double staircase to the rather ornate ballroom, apparently modeled after some Baroque-style palace, the rest of the guests follow. Iris can feel Barry’s eyes on her as they walk down the stairs, even though she is a few feet in front of him, and a feeling of great anticipation washes over her, as she ponders how the night might unfold.

As they reach the bottom of the staircase, Cynthia stumbles on the second to last step, and Iris lurches forward to steady her friend, but in doing so, she too loses her footing momentarily, and she thinks they might both end up tumbling down together, but just as she catches Cynthia’s arm, one hand comes around her waist, the other on the small of her back, preventing her from falling. Indeed, Cynthia is able to catch her balance, with Iris steadying her then, and she smiles gratefully up at Iris.

“Thanks,” she says, and Iris nods with a smile,

“Of course.” But her concentration is on the two hands holding her, for they’re Barry’s hands, and she is extremely aware of his touch against her bare back, his fingers gripping her gently, but firmly. She turns to look at him, just as he asks,

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks, Bear. You saved both of us from tumbling down stairs in our gowns,” she replies, chuckling slightly, as Cynthia smirks, watching both of them closely,

“Yes, of course Barry did.” Noticing Cynthia’s knowing look, Barry and Iris smile sheepishly, seemingly embarrassed, but Barry does not step away from Iris, still holding her, the imprint of his hands hot against her.

The live orchestra is situated near the end of the large ballroom, and the conductor raises her baton, signaling that the musicians are about to begin performing a piece. Cynthia quickly says,

“I’m going to go see if Cisco wants to dance. Bye!” Before she walks away towards Cisco who is already near the center of the room. Iris shakes her head fondly, before Barry asks,

“Do you… would you like to dance, Iris?” His tone is soft and full of longing, and Iris recognizes the gravity of this moment.

“I would love to,” she replies, her face shining with a number of emotions, and she is uninterested in attempting to mask everything that she is feeling. She wants Barry to know. He smiles, releasing his grasp around her waist and back, and holding out his hand to her, which she takes in her own. As his fingers enclose around hers, she shivers for a moment, not of any cold air, but rather because of the intensity with which she knows that she loves him.

They make their way slowly into the ballroom, where the orchestra is playing a sultry musical piece, and Barry’s left arm comes around Iris, his hand settling at her waist, while he holds her left hand in his right. Her free arm goes around his neck and for a few moments they simply sway in each other’s arms, gazing at each other. Barry leads her around the other couples, but Iris barely realizes that they are in a ballroom full of other people, for she feels, within his arms, as if they are the only two people in the world. His eyes do not leave hers for even a moment, and it is hard not to mistake what he’s feeling in that moment, for his emotions are visibly ablaze upon his face. She wonders then how she possibly could have misread one night, when there had been so many signs telling her that he feels in their most intense moments all that she feels, but she supposes that the tricky thing about loving her best friend was the debilitating fear that he may not feel the same way. The fear that if she voiced her feelings, she could lose the safe harbor of their friendship forever. But change is sometimes not only good, but imperative. And perhaps that is the most integral part of what they shared; their need to trust each other in order to fully realize that their friendship was perhaps never simply platonic ever.

Iris moves closer to Barry in his arms, as they continue to dance, laying her head against his chest, feeling the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat against her ear. She closes her eyes, savoring his touch, while Barry’s arm tightens around her, his lips brushing against the crown of her head in a soft kiss. The music crescendos as they dance, coming to a natural end, and applause from the other couples erupt around them, but Barry and Iris, break apart only slightly, both of his hands now holding her waist, while his forehead comes to rest against her own. Iris’s hands slide up his chest, resting just below his bowtie, and they both breathe deeply, trying to mentally navigate what they are supposed to do next. It is apparent to Iris now that they cannot possibly put off the inevitable any further.

“We should talk,” she says, brushing her nose against his.

“Yeah, yeah,” he replies, dazed. She smiles, feeling his breath fanning against her lips, and realizes then just how physically proximate they are to one another.

“Privately, Bear,” she urges softly. He nods, seemingly coming back to his senses and registering that they are currently in a room full of other people. They move apart, slowly, his hands caressing her as he backs away, and Iris immediately misses the warmth of his arms around her.

“Right. I’m sure we can find somewhere private away from all of this. It’s a hotel after all.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard,” she replies, raising her eyebrows. He grins lopsidedly at her, and without another word, he takes her hand and leads her out of the ballroom, and she wonders if anyone has noticed them, but finds herself not particularly caring if everyone is indeed watching their abrupt exit. Once they climb up the stairs and reach the mezzanine again, nodding politely towards a few members of the hotel staff milling about there, Barry looks around searchingly, and Iris is aware that he is trying to determine where they ought to go. She squeezes his hand, before saying, “Let’s just go to my room. Otherwise we’re going to be running around this whole hotel searching for a quiet place.” Barry lets out a breathy chuckle,

“Yeah, good idea, otherwise we’d be something like a pair of high school teenagers at prom, running around the venue for somewhere private.”

“We did miss out on prom, though. Together, I mean,” she replies wistfully. Perhaps there’s something distinctly poignant about her tone, because Barry pulls Iris closer to him, his hand settling gently at the base of her neck, and he’s regarding her, adoringly.

“But we did get our dance, even if it is thirteen years later.” She smiles, her eyes glistening with unshed tears,

“Yes, we did.” At that Barry drops his hand to hold hers once more, and he presses the call button for the elevator, and as they await the lift, all Iris can feel is both deep contentment and love.

*

            When Iris enters her hotel room with Barry, it is with an internal sigh of relief, for the short journey from the mezzanine to the third floor of the Time Metropolis felt torturous, as they both were jittery with anticipation, but unable to truly voice anything until they were within the safety of a private room. Upon entering the room, Barry immediately begins pacing, while Iris busies herself by pouring them both glasses of water from a jug situated on the bedside table. She proffers one to Barry, and he stops fidgeting for a moment to take it.

            “Thank you,” he says, gratefully, and they both sip from their glasses. Iris figures that she ought to convince Barry not to resume walking around the room, so she sits down on the edge of the bed and kicks off her heels. “You make it looks so graceful,” he sighs, coming to sit next to her, clutching his glass tightly.

            “What do you mean?” she asks, and he turns, so that he’s facing her fully. Iris carefully places her hand over his, loosening his hold on his glass, hoping to help alleviate some of his nervous energy.

            “Everything you do. It’s so graceful. So beautiful. I just…”

            “Bear,” Iris starts, but Barry shakes his head quickly,

            “You don’t have to say anything, Iris. I know that I messed up yesterday, but the truth is I’ve been messing things up for years now.”

            “No, Barry, you haven’t,” Iris counters, while Barry puts his glass down on the floor beside his feet. Determining that they have now arrived at the point where all their cards are about to be laid out before them, Iris does the same with her own glass. When she places her now empty hands back on her lap, one of Barry’s hands encloses one of hers, gently prying her fingers open, so that her right palm is facing upwards, resting on her knee, before he interlocks her fingers with his. He brings their joined hands to his lips and kisses her knuckles, slowly, reverently. “Bear…” she whispers, but she is unsure what to say, recognizing that they are on a precipice of change.

            “I owe you an explanation. I owe you so much more than that, but perhaps I can start with an explanation. But first, I am so sorry, Iris. About last night. I didn’t… I obviously was taken aback when I saw Katie again, and her over-friendliness was a source of confusion for me, but I guess I didn’t have the wherewithal to deal with everything she was saying, but I shouldn’t have even let her say anything. And if I’d been unable to stop her, I should have shut down all of the absurd insinuations she was clearly trying to make. I was put on the spot, not that that’s an excuse, but when I saw you… when I saw your face, I knew I’d screwed up really badly. Because to see you look so upset and to know that I was the reason for it, I don’t… god, Iris, it felt like a knife to my chest, and all I could think about was how much of an absolute idiot I am,” Barry begins, speaking rapidly, voice trailing off at the end, and he’s looking at her so earnestly, as if the worst thing in the world to him is being the cause of even an ounce of her sadness, and goodness she just wants to take his face in her hands and tell him that he is her happiness. But she stops herself, because she knows they have to get through this conversation.

            “Bear, I’m not upset or angry with you now. But I was, especially right after Katie said what she said, when we had had that moment in my room just hours before, when you came to give me this.” And here she picks up the wedding band sitting between her collar bones to emphasize her point. “It just felt like everything we had shared had been rendered insignificant in that moment. Like it was nothing. And then I thought I had maybe read the moment wrong, but whenever I go over what happened in my head, I know that you were feeling what I was in that moment.”

            “You weren’t reading that moment wrong, Iris. Not for a second,” Barry says, using his free hand to cup her cheek. She leans into his touch, closing her eyes for just a moment. “We almost kissed in your room, and I… there is nothing more that I wanted to do than kiss you. And then Cynthia interrupted, which wasn’t her fault, obviously, but I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t extremely frustrated, especially because we seem to have been interrupted throughout our lives a countless number of times.” He chuckles ruefully then, but Iris’s breath hitches, as she mulls over his words, particularly, there is nothing more that I wanted to do than kiss you. If only she could ask him then how he truly feels about her. If only she could tell him how she truly feels about him.

            “But what about the dinner at Marano’s?” she queries, instead, for that betraying voice in her head refuses to let her move past that. Surely, Katie did not completely make that up, for even if she was simply saying all that she did to get a rise out of Eddie, telling complete falsities seemed a step too far. And there was the added anxiety that Barry had not corrected her then.

            “Yeah, yeah, that was… Katie completely mischaracterized that dinner. I know it was dinner at Marano’s, but what she failed to mention is that Matt, who’s her cousin, as you know, was there as well, and the whole thing came about, because Katie showed up when I was tutoring Matt, and Old Mrs. Rogers was adamant that we all go out to dinner. But she was feeling unwell, and nonetheless insisted that we go, and it was impossible to say no, especially because Matt really wanted to go. I’m… I should have set the record straight last night, because I knew what Katie was trying to imply, and she was completely wrong on that account,” Barry replies, all in one breath, and he looks so pained that he’d let this fester, without correcting Katie’s white lie immediately, but Iris lets out a soft laugh, then,

            “If you could have seen the scenarios I’d somehow managed to cook up in my head… Looking back, I realize they were probably irrational, and I should have just asked you, myself, but I was devastated and angry, and I think I just needed time to myself at that moment.”

            “Iris, I am so, so sorry. Just the thought that you’d been in any kind of pain, because of me… god, I’m such an idiot,” he says, his fists clenched on his lap, and his tense form causes Iris worry. She frames his face with her hands, caressing his cheek with her thumb, hoping to soothe him. She leans in to rest her forehead against his, and for a few moments, all Iris can hear is their breathing, as she feels some of the tension in Barry’s muscles dissipate.

            “It’s okay, Barry. This is not your fault. We just both stumbled into a series of romantic mishaps, because of someone else’s lies. But we’re here now,” Iris soothes. Barry grins at that, fully relaxing then.

            “Romantic mishaps, huh?” he teases gently. She moves away from him just slightly to look at him properly, chuckling,

            “Would you characterize it otherwise?”

            “Not at all. Especially because Cisco said that you and I have been constantly tumbling into romantic mishaps throughout our entire adult lives. I was so mad at him, both last night and today, because he kept saying that I couldn’t call you or text you… and you should have seen me today. I was oscillating between walking around like a zombie and ranting at Cisco about how he could put me through this. He wouldn’t budge, though, repeatedly telling me that I needed to give you a day’s worth of space and that I’d see you at the gala. And I was going out of my mind the entire day. But now,” he says, bringing his hands to her waist, slowly, tentatively. “I think maybe he was right.” Iris silently agrees, because despite her initial frustrations over Barry having not reached out to her today, Cisco was probably right in refusing to allow him to call or text her. They both clearly needed the day to work through their emotions by themselves.

            “Well, Cisco is quite wise,” she remarks in response.

            “Drove me insane today, but yeah, he has his moments,” Barry jokes, and Iris laughs. “God, I love your laugh.” Iris raises an eyebrow at that, as she simultaneously runs her fingers through his hair. He closes his eyes for a moment, as if relishing her touch.

            “You love my laugh?” she asks in jest, but his expression becomes solemn, and he pulls her closer to him, his hands remaining on her waist.

            “Always have. I remember,” he begins, slowly, carefully. “…When we first met. My mom had brought me to the playground when I was ten, and I’m pretty sure I was upset about the new move to Central City, so she probably took me there, so that I could blow off some steam. And I’d somehow managed to swing myself so aggressively that I’d tumbled headfirst into the dirt. I was so angry and annoyed, and I’m pretty sure about to start crying, but then there was this small hand…” At this, one of his hands release her waist, and he grasps her hand, intertwining their fingers. “…Reaching out to me. That was when I’d first met you, and you were smiling and asking if I was okay, and I’m sure I said something stupid, because I was kind of in awe. But you laughed and told me that I was funny, and I’m quite sure… no, I know that that was the moment that I fell absolutely in love with you, Iris. Or maybe it was a year later when my dad died, and you found me crying in a corner, hours after everyone had left, after they’d all come by to pay their condolences, and you stayed up all night with me, holding me. Looking back, I knew I loved you then. But when you’re a kid, you can’t truly fathom love, but I knew I had a total crush on you, and when I was about sixteen years old, I identified that what I felt for you was love. I was in love with my best friend, but I didn’t know how to tell you, because I was so afraid that I would completely ruin our friendship. And yet, the years that have past since our childhood and young adulthood just strengthened my feelings. I’m more in love with you today than I was when we were children.” As Barry speaks, he holds absolutely nothing back, wearing his heart on his sleeve, and Iris tells herself to steady her breathing. Because she is aware that if she is completely honest with herself, she has known that Barry reciprocates her feelings for a long time, but to have him tell her, to have him say that he’s in love with her… there is nothing that could prepare her for this moment.

“You’re incredible, Iris,” Barry continues. “I don’t think you even realize how amazing you are. You jump headlong into seeking the truth, with little care to your own safety, because you so innately believe in the importance of preserving justice and saving lives. You see the best in people, no matter what, but most of all you inspire people. I’ve told you time and again that you’re my hero, Iris West. But more than that, whenever I see you, it’s akin to coming home for me. I’ve struggled with the concept of home and where that might be for me, especially after my dad died when I was a kid, but I’ve realized that home is not a place. It never has been for me. Instead, it’s a person. It’s you. Whenever I need to get away from the rest of the world, my safety net is you. You’re whom I always run to. Because you’re my home, Iris, and you always have been. I love you deeply. And I promise that I’ll dedicate every day to loving you… if you’ll have me of course.” Tears spill from Iris’s eyes then, which Barry immediately catches with his thumbs, gently brushing them aside, as he cups her face. He’s smiling so widely at her, his own eyes glistening, and she finds herself contemplating how surreal this moment truly is.

“You really have quite a way with words, Barry Allen,” she says, her voice shaking, slightly.

“Only for you. You’re the storyteller, after all. I’m just the boy luck enough to love you,” he replies, and Iris’s heart soars, completely overwhelmed with love for the man sitting before her.

Then she begins,

“Well, I suppose I should tell you about the day that I am quite sure was a moment of exceptional clarity for me. We were in the eighth grade, and I was overworked as Editor of the Central City Junior High Gazette, because none of my fellow cub reporters were completing their articles on time. Unfortunately, not all fourteen-year-olds took their responsibilities as junior reporters in training as seriously as I did mine. It was nearing the end of the day, and I still was short two articles, and I was nearly in tears over the stress of the realization that I was going to need to cover two stories, myself, in a matter of twenty-four hours, because we needed to fill the page quota necessary for publication. The door of the classroom opened, and you enter, and I didn’t know what it was about seeing you then, but the moment I saw you, the dam broke, and I was sobbing. And you raced over and hugged me and asked me what was wrong, and when I told you, you simply said that we were going to find two stories to cover together and that you’d stay over at my place for the entire night, if you had to, helping me. And in that moment, I knew everything was going to be okay.

Because the truth is Barry, you are my rock. You’re always there for me no matter what, and I didn’t know then why I finally cried only when I saw you, but I know now. I felt safe to fully release my frustrations and anxieties, despite still being in school, because you were with me. Whether you’re entering Jitters to meet me or racing through the doors of the Citizen with Big Belly Burger take-out, I’m home the moment I see you. I love you, Barry. I love you so, so much, and I’m completely yours. I always have been, and I always will be.” At the end of her declaration, Barry is gazing at her both lovingly and ardently, and he says,

“And I am totally yours.” With his hands still cupping her face, he surges forward and captures her lips with his, kissing her hungrily and passionately. This kiss is years in the making, and there is no easing into it, as Iris gasps into Barry’s mouth, her hands climbing up his chest, until one hand settles at the nape of his neck, while the other remains near his heart. She presses herself even closer, wanting to be as physically proximate to him as she can, and he evidently wants the same, for he secures one arm around her back, pulling her smoothly into his lap, until she’s straddling him underneath her long gown. There are vague warning bells in her head, reminding her that she might tear her dress, but she is hardly concerned about that, figuring that her dress can certainly weather a night of her finally kissing the love of her life.

Meanwhile, Barry’s hands have bunched up the skirt of Iris’s dress to her hips and are roaming the smooth skin of her now bare legs, and his mouth leaves hers and moves to the skin below her earlobe, before slowly kissing the side of her jaw and then her neck.

“Have I told you how gorgeous you look?” he murmurs huskily, then.

“I think you might have,” she chuckles, breathlessly.

“Well you look absolutely beautiful,” he responds, before kissing her again, this time more languidly, taking his time to really explore her mouth. Iris responds, cupping his chin with one hand, equally enjoying his more relaxed kisses as she did his passionate kisses moments ago.

She then pulls away for a moment, and Barry groans, chasing her mouth, but instead she undoes his bowtie, with nimble fingers, and takes in his flushed lips, dilated pupils, and mussed up hair, and she’s sure she has never been more content than in this very moment.

“I love you,” she says, as he buries his head in her chest and mumbles something incoherent. “Bear?”

He turns his head to the side, so that she can hear him when he states, rather hoarsely,

“Iris, when I said I was yours, I meant it. Seriously, I’d literally do anything for you.” Iris smirks at that, maneuvering his head gently away from her chest, so that they were eye to eye, before replying,

“That could turn out to be a very dangerous statement, Barry Allen.” Barry grins, rising to the challenge.

“I’d be more than happy to indulge in a little danger where it involves Iris West,” he responds. Iris raises her eyebrows at that and brings her lips to Barry’s, coaxing his mouth open with hers. He wraps his arm tightly around her lower back, while his free hand dips under the hem of her gown, bunched up at her waist, brushing his fingers teasingly against the soft skin of her abdomen, while she runs one hand through his hair, as the other unbuttons his dress shirt. Her hips buck against his, as she caresses his bare chest with her thumb, soliciting a moan from him, which she quietens by deepening their kiss.

Barry lifts Iris, then, and in one movement lays her on the bed, as he hovers over her, before gently moving his lips from hers to trail soft kisses down the length of her neck. Just as he reaches her collarbone, there is a loud banging on their door, and Barry groans loudly, dropping his head to her chest. Iris sighs, running a hand through his hair, when a voice that most definitely belongs to Cisco yells out,

“Barry? Iris?”

“If we ignore him, do you think he’ll go away?” Barry mumbles, just as Cynthia says rather loudly,

“We know you two are in there, so don’t pretend you can’t hear us.” Barry audibly grumbles, while Iris chuckles,

“Baby, I admire you wanting to ignore those two, but I really don’t think they’re going to leave.” Barry lets out a puff of breath that fans against Iris’s skin, and he slowly rolls away from her, sitting up and placing a pillow in his lap, perhaps in an attempt to be discrete, although privately Iris knows that Cisco is absolutely going to comment gleefully on his friend’s state of disarray. Meanwhile, she gets up and adjusts her dress, so that it falls back over her legs and walks over to the vanity mirror, grabbing a make-up cloth to wipe off her now smudged lipstick. She’s quite sure that she’s already sporting love bites on her neck and shoulders, but she cannot seem to bring herself to care about concealing them.

Once she’s satisfied that she’s as presentable as she can possibly be, given the circumstances, she opens the door of her hotel room and sees Cisco and Cynthia standing by the threshold, both wearing similarly smug expressions.

“Iris!” Cisco says, clapping his hands together, dramatically, while Cynthia scrutinizes her, before asking,

“What’s that on your neck?” Although her tone suggests that this is no innocent question, and she’s simply trying to put Iris on the spot, Iris refuses to take the bait, instead querying,

“Are you two going to come in? I imagine you’re here to deliver urgent news.”

“Patience,” Cisco replies, jovially, as he enters the room and spots Barry, sitting on the edge of the bed. At this sight, Cisco seems positively gleeful. “Nice pillow, Barry.”

“You are an ass,” Barry mutters darkly, not bothering to greet his friend.

“Love you too, man. And by the way,” Cisco chuckles, throwing his arm around Iris. “It’s because of me that this happened.” He gestures between Barry and Iris. “Without me apparently putting Barry through absolute misery today, the two of you would have continued your decades long song and dance of refusing to acknowledge that you are madly in love with each other.” Iris shrugs off Cisco’s arm, rolling her eyes, fondly.

“Yeah, yeah, thank you, Cisco,” she says.

“Mmhmm, forget West-Allen Matchmakers. I think Ramon and Sons, Experts in Match-Making is the real success story.”

“Is that so? Because I’m pretty sure the two of you have been clearly enjoying each other’s company, and Barry and I can definitely take some credit there,” Iris replies, raising an eyebrow, and Cisco blushes at that, tucking his shoulder-length hair behind his ears.

“Well, for two people who apparently are champions at setting everyone else up, you sure took a ridiculously long time getting your respective acts together,” Cynthia retorts. At this, Iris saunters over to the edge of the bed, sitting next to Barry and leaning her chin on his shoulder, while he takes one of her hands in one of his.

“Maybe. But we’re here now,” Iris replies, as Barry kisses her forehead.

“Y’all are cute, I’ll admit,” Cisco says, and Cynthia smiles at the sight of them together.

“So why are you here?” Barry asks, stroking Iris’s knuckles with his thumb. In response, Cisco grabs a chair near the vanity and sits down, while Cynthia seats herself in a cushioned armchair by a round coffee table.

“So…,” Cisco begins, pausing for dramatic effect, although his anticipation is not reciprocated by either Barry and Iris, who do not prompt him. “Alright, so, guess who showed up just now, roughly halfway through the ball?” Cisco does not wait for an answer, however, the question apparently rhetorical. “That’s right. Eddie Thawne, accompanied by Katie Rogers. Their appearance so late in the game is not even the real crazy thing, because you’ll never guess what happened when they arrived. Okay, so the two of them show up, and they’re dressed for the occasion, and they head over to Cecile and Joe, where Eddie apologizes profusely, naturally, but then seems to reveal something to Cecile which makes her absolutely ecstatic. And she’s crying and hugging Eddie. Needless to say, we were all quite curious as to what could possibly be going on, but Eddie dispels the suspense quite quickly, when he and Katie head over towards the orchestra, and he abruptly stops the musicians and conductor, before taking a mic and claiming he has a big announcement.

He apologizes sincerely for being so late, but explains that he has a reason for being late, and this reason is that he has big news that will bring everyone at this ball great pleasure. And he proceeds to announce that he and Katie just eloped and got married.” At this, Barry and Iris exchange flabbergasted looks, before turning back to Cisco.

“Excuse me?” Iris says, as Barry’s brow furrows contemplatively.

“They got married,” Cisco repeats, shrugging his shoulders. “I know, I know. But that’s where they were today, apparently. Getting married. I’m ninety percent sure, though, that this was a decision made on the fly.”

“But they clearly were having some sort of argument yesterday that we all were not privy to.”

“Yep. I still don’t know what that’s all about, but I have a theory from talking to Katie afterwards. I obviously went up to congratulate them, because what the hell else are we supposed to do, and I was like, ‘Oh this is very nice and all, but this seems sudden.’ She was really cagey, but kind of let it slip that she was pissed that Eddie was keeping their romance a secret from his family, who wouldn’t approve of his involvement with her or some crap, so Katie had given him an ultimatum of her own that if he didn’t get serious with her, she was going to leave him. Guess that kicked his ass into gear.” Iris notices Barry watching Cisco closely, as he takes this in, nodding along. Cisco’s explanation appears to have given him some clarity on the situation.

“That makes sense,” Barry sighs, shaking his head. “I think I may have somehow ended up as the scapegoat, while Katie was trying to make a point to Eddie. But it’s just… god I’m such an idiot, because all the while, Iris was hurt by all this mess, and that is on me… I should have been clear about setting the record straight.”

“Hey, Bear, it’s okay,” Iris soothes. “It really doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter,” Barry exclaims. “It does matter, because all of that hurt you, Iris. And it’s just… god, this is my fault, and…” But Iris has heard enough, and she grasps both his hands in her own.

“Barry,” she says firmly. “We’ve been over this. What happened last night was not your fault. None of this is your fault. You couldn’t possibly have known about Katie and Eddie’s romantic drama. It seems like nobody knew that they were secretly dating.”

“You’re right,” Barry replies. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten so angry, but just the mere thought of Katie’s callousness, by trying to insinuate what she did about me and her, all because she was trying to make Eddie jealous, having hurt you is so infuriating.”

“I love you,” Iris whispers, brushing her lips against Barry’s jaw, just as Cisco clears his throat loudly,

“Hey, I know y’all are in that insufferable, just got together officially phase and all, but we’re still here, and I haven’t even gotten to the best part of the story.”

“Yeah,” Cynthia interrupts, clearly fed up with Cisco’s prolonging. “Patty dumped a glass of wine over Eddie’s head.” Barry and Iris turn to each other, sharing a surprised look, as Iris observes,

“And here Barry and I were thinking that we’ve had our fair share of romantic mishaps. Seems as if we don’t really know what actual romantic mishaps encompass, after all.” Cisco, however, is clearly affronted that Cynthia had botched his story-telling,

“That’s not how you tell a story, Cyn. You have to ease into the best part to build up the anticipation.”

“Please, there’s no building up anticipation with Barry and Iris, other than them anticipating our departure.”

“True,” Barry says, chuckling. “And also, I know Eddie definitely didn’t deserve to get wine poured all over him, but that’s undoubtedly a sight that I’d have liked to witness.” Thus, Iris is reminded of one remaining mystery, namely the prickly nature of all of Barry and Eddie’s interactions that she has witnessed, so she inquires accordingly,

“By the way, Bear. Why do you dislike Eddie so much? I don’t recall you two having spent all that much time together to have developed animosity towards each other.” Barry’s eyes widen at that, and he resembles a deer caught in the headlights, which Iris, naturally, finds incredibly endearing.

“Oh my god, you never told her?” Cisco cuts in, looking positively maniacal at this discovery. Barry begins shaking his head frantically at Cisco, but his attempts at preventing his friend from talking are of no avail. “So, the first time Barry and Eddie crossed paths was at some garden party Cecile hosted, and you took Barry as your guest or something. I don’t know the details, because I only have secondhand information from Barry, but basically Eddie tried to insinuate that he might be interested in you to goad Barry, probably, because he, like everyone else except for you two, knew how you both felt about each other. Anyways, Barry had some really harsh words for Eddie, and since then the two of them can’t stand the sight of each other. Talk about the world’s fastest rivalry for no real, concrete reason.”

“I hate you,” Barry groans, burying his face in his hands, but Iris refuses to let Barry wallow in embarrassment, so she nudges him with her shoulder, leaning into him.

“I think you having… how did it Cisco put it?… Harsh words… is hot, Bear,” she says. He turns to her, with a small smile,

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He cups her cheek with one hand, his fingers burying into her hair, and kisses her soundly.

“Ugh, okay, okay,” Cynthia interrupts, getting up. “We’re leaving. Have fun, you two.”

“See ya!” Cisco yells, as Cynthia takes his arm and pulls him to the door. “And remember, this is because of me. I’m the real matchmaker around here.” Once they exit the room, Cisco still chattering away, Barry releases an audible sigh of relief and mumbles,

“Thank god.” Iris laughs, leaning her forehead against his, closing her eyes, before stating,

“You do know that I was never interested in anyone but you, right? I could never really make it work with anyone else, because I was so in love with you. I am so in love with you.”

“I know. And I never could be interested in any other person other than you, not when you have always had my heart,” Barry replies, before continuing, “Also, just to clarify, Eddie and I don’t despise each other or anything; we’re just never going to be friends.”

“Mm, well, I don’t think you two will be seeing each other very often outside of occasional social gatherings.”

“Yeah.” They stay like that, foreheads resting together, taking comfort in each other’s arms, before Iris says,

“I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am in this moment.” Barry smiles widely at that, adjusting so that he’s holding her face in both of his hands.

“Iris, you have no idea how deeply happy you make me,” he whispers against her lips, his tone reverent as he acknowledges the depth of his love for her. “I love you. I love you so, very much.” A tear escapes him then, which Iris wipes away gently with her thumb, before pressing her lips to his, as she delights in the knowledge that he is hers to love and she is his to love for the rest of their lives.

*

One and a half years later

            Iris sighs contentedly, leaning back against Barry’s chest, his arm wrapped around her waist. She is seated in his lap, like a bride (which, in fact, she is), her white tulle skirt fanning around both of them. All around her there seems to be a flurry of activity, as she assesses the myriad of guests in attendance at her wedding reception.

            Wally and Linda are attempting to feed their baby twins, and despite their bemoaning that they cannot quite get this parenting thing down, they seem to be doing a wonderful job at soothing their agitated twins and getting them to eat some mashed foods, which they had brought with them in portable Tupperware. Every time Linda manages to feed a twin, Wally gives her an exaggerated kiss on the cheek, which seems to highly amuse the babies, who giggle uncontrollably at this.

Her father, with whom she had recently danced the father-daughter dance, is regaling some folks with stories about when she was young and how he always knew she was going to grow into an absolute journalistic star. Usually, Iris would be embarrassed by her father’s bragging, but today she lets him sing her praises, for it is her big day after all. Cecile is chatting with friends at a table, and seated near her are Eddie and Katie Thawne, whom Cecile requested be invited, much to Barry’s chagrin, and who are also expecting a baby, as Katie is already sporting a baby bump. Patty is also in attendance, which Iris had initially worried might be awkward, given that there is a good chance that Patty would run into Eddie, but Patty recently reconnected with an old boyfriend, and she brought him as her date. Plus, Patty has managed to completely ignore the Thawnes, at least thus far. Cisco and Cynthia, who have been dating for over a year now, appear to be in their own little world together, heavily flirting with each other at their table. Caitlin and Ronnie are sitting next to Cisco and Cynthia, but they don’t seem particularly concerned with the other couple’s flirting, for they are preoccupied with entertaining their two-year-old daughter.

Allegra, Kamilla, and James are all laughing about something, and Iris is glad that they are enjoying themselves, for she knows that last week was a highly stressful time at the Citizen, because they had finally published a piece, on which all the Citizen’s reporters worked for weeks on end (now a team of nearly fifty reporters, for the amount of positive publicity that had resulted from the McCulloch Tech exposé had catapulted the Citizen into journalistic stardom, particularly after Iris had been awarded a Peabody Award and Kamilla a World Press Photo Award for their work on the article), exposing a massive eviction scam, which implicated three local politicians. So, Iris is grateful that the three reporters seem to be relaxed and happy, the stresses of last week hopefully dissipating. As for Kara, she appears to have discovered the scrumptious doughnut display near the dessert buffet and is evidently in heaven. 

Iris’s Great-Aunt Esther sits at the head of the West family table, friendly, but reserved and still ever so beautiful. Barry and Iris are seated one table down from her, and when Great-Aunt Esther catches Iris’s eye, she winks at her favorite grand-niece, perhaps reinforcing the sentiment that she had voiced to Iris earlier that day that she is the happiest she could ever be to see her dearest grand-niece marry the love of her life.

“Your Mama, My Francine… she would be so proud of the woman you have become,” Great-Aunt Esther tells Iris right before Joe arrives to walk her down the aisle. Tears roll down Iris’s cheeks, as her Great-Aunt gathers her into her arms. “I know, sweetheart. I know.”

“I miss her so, so much. Every single day,” Iris whispers.

“She is always, always with you.”

The memory from this morning is one Iris knows she will cherish deeply, but while she relives that moment, she notices that there now appears to be trouble, for Barry’s mother, Nora, joins Joe, and they both start telling the tale of how they knew Barry and Iris were always going to get married from the moment they witnessed the two interact as young children. Surely, the two of them would somehow manage to recount the numerous occasions on which Barry and Iris play-acted getting married as children, usually with a stuffed dinosaur presiding.

“When Barry came home from the playground that day after meeting Iris,” Nora says loudly, “He went running up to his dad and said, ‘Dad! I met the most beautiful girl in the world today. I think I want to marry her.’ And my late husband said, ‘Well, slugger, love is about reciprocity. Focus on getting to know her. And who knows, maybe one day, we’ll be attending yours and Iris’s wedding.’ And here we are.” Upon hearing his mother retell this particular story, Barry drops his forehead to Iris’s shoulder, groaning quietly, so that only she can here.

“It’s bad already, and they’re just getting started,” Barry mutters, kissing his wife’s shoulder. “I think we should make our great escape right about now.” Iris smiles, running a hand through Barry’s hair, as she feels Barry’s lips move upward, slowly beginning to trail kisses from her shoulder to her neck. 

“Bear, if you’re trying to get me to agree to leave with you right now…” Iris whispers, attempting to maneuver herself discreetly so that the guests cannot see her husband kissing her neck.

“Is it working?” Barry asks, looking up at her and smiling.

“You know it is,” she sighs, and he appears supremely smug at that. “But we do have to stick around for a while longer, after all this is our wedding reception. We can’t just cut out early.” Barry mumbles his half-hearted assent, although he seems unconvinced, before caressing his fingers against Iris’s arm, gazing at her, suddenly contemplative. “What is it?” she queries, softly.

“I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe we’re here, finally, at our wedding reception. I think it really only hit me that I’m marrying you when I saw you walk down the aisle, and you are so, so beautiful and amazing and wonderful, and I realized that I’m truly lucky enough to marry the girl of my dreams,” Barry replies, and Iris frames his face with her hands, leaning forward gently, so her forehead rests against his.

“Those tears were real huh?” she teases, gently. Barry chuckles, and because they are so closely pressed together, she feels the reverberations of his laugh against her own chest.

“Completely real.”

“So were mine,” Iris says, her lips just a hair’s length away from his. “Because just as it was overwhelming for you to watch me walking down the aisle, I was incredibly overwhelmed with happiness and love seeing you standing at the end of the aisle, looking so dapper, and knowing that I finally get to marry the love of my life, who is the most amazing man that I know.” Barry’s eyes glisten with unshed tears, touched by her words, and he brushes his nose against Iris’s, murmuring against her lips,

“I love you, Mrs. West-Allen.” Iris responds by kissing him once gently, and they are silent for a few moments, foreheads still touching, and contemplating the depth of their love for one another. Then, Barry shakes his head fondly and remarks, jokingly,

“You and I are complete saps.”

“Eloquent saps,” Iris corrects, laughing. “But that’s why we’re perfect for each other.”

“Mm, true,” Barry says, taking her hand in his own and bringing their joined hands to his lips and kissing her fingers one by one. “I love you so much, Iris.”

“I love you,” Iris replies, before her expression becomes more mischievous. “It’s a shame we don’t have balloons at our reception.”

“Why? Were you planning on wrangling some into our car? Personally, I’d be game. I only got to witness you successfully fit those balloons into your car last time, an admirable feat, I might add.” Iris shakes her head fondly, feigning mild exasperation, while Barry laughs.

“Spoken like someone who has never had the view from his rear mirror constantly marred by inflated balloons,” Iris sighs. “And so no, I do not want to attempt to take any inflated balloons with us in a car, but I guess I was just feeling slightly nostalgic, because it was at my dad and Cecile’s wedding reception that I think I realized that I’ve always been in love with you.” Iris looks down at their intertwined hands, while Barry’s gaze becomes solemn, then, as he tucks an errant strand of hair that had come undone from her elaborate bun behind her ear.

“Well, that was also the night I first really told you how I felt,” Barry replies, and Iris glances up at him, surprised. “Yeah. Do you remember when I said that something incredible has always been in front of me, and I just really should throw caution to the wind?”

“I remember. You were talking about me. About us,” Iris whispers, and Barry nods, caressing her cheek gently, his touch warm and comforting against her skin.

“Yeah. I guess that was one of the many times I really came close to spilling my heart out to you, but Linda was also there, and I figured your dad’s wedding reception probably wasn’t a good place to tell you how I feel. Although I do think the spirit of weddings prompted that particular confession that night.”

“It’s silly now, looking back, but I remember thinking that you were talking about someone else at the time, and that’s when I truly realized that I am absolutely in love with you and have been for years.”

“I know that was all cleared up quite quickly, but I could never have been ever talking about anyone else,” Barry says, and Iris smiles, turning her face into his hand and placing a soft kiss on his palm.

“I know, Bear,” she replies, but from his expression, she can sense his adamancy about providing abundant clarity.

“It only has ever been you, Iris. It only has ever been you,” he whispers, and she lays her head against his chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heartbeat underneath her palm, before murmuring,

“And you’re the only one. You’ve always been the only one. And you and I have the rest of our lives to tell each other every day.” Barry adjusts, so that she is completely encircled by his arms, while he presses his lips to the crown of her head, as she, in turn, wraps her arm snugly around his waist.

“The rest of our lives,” he echoes, as his arms tighten around her. Iris smiles, glancing up at Barry, and remarks,

“Sounds pretty amazing, doesn’t it?” And he grins widely, bending his head towards hers and whispering,

“Absolutely incredible,” against her lips, before kissing her soundly.

[sweet-sammy-kisses]

Make the World Bleed Chapter 2

Written for @badthingshappenbingo​ prompt a house divided Title: Make the World Bleed Chapter 2 Fandom: Batman Pairing: Leading up to Jason/Tim/Conner Notes: Dark Titans, Core Four friendship, Bats working out their issues Fic Summary: The Core Four have a bond that will never break, will never fade. When one of their own is hurt by someone who should be family to them the other three respond in force.

When Tim's line is cut and he is seriously injured Conner, Bart and Cassie are ready to declare war against anyone who stands in their way of helping Tim, even if that means making a devil with the Devil himself, Ra's Al Ghul. This chapter summary: The fallout of Damian’s actions begins.  You can read this story on AO3 Word Count this chapter: 2046

There was tension in Wayne Manor, one that was sitting on a powered keg waiting to blow. Ever since it had gotten out that Damian had cut Tim's grapple line that left him gravely injured. Lines had been drawn those on Tim's side, those on Damian's side and those in the middle.

Jason, Cassandra and Helena were firmly on Tim's side while Dick and Stephanie were on Damian's side. Duke, Kate, Babs, Alfred and Bruce were in the middle.

"I blame myself, Master Bruce. I saw the hatred that Master Damian held for Master Tim but I stayed silent and how I regret doing so." Alfred admitted to Bruce.

Hating the fact that Alfred blamed himself Bruce placed a hand on the shoulder of the man he had long considered his second father, "You are not to blame. I am. As their father, I should have spoken up when I saw how Tim was staying away and Damian still saw him as a threat." Bruce knew that he had failed as a dad to both his youngest sons and now Tim was paying the price.

"As much as I hate to say it old man, you were lost in time for a lot of it. So that isn't your fault. Then you had to recover from that. No, we," Jason gestures to him, Dick and Stephanie, "should have done something. We were here for all that. We also should have backed up Tim when he said he believed you were alive. Yes, he sounded out there but we let him travel the world alone with no one to turn to. His friends dead, his supposed girlfriend having faked her death." Jason shot Stephanie a glare, he still wasn't sure what the purpose was to fake her death while Tim had been dealing with losing Kon and Bart. "He had been grieving and not one of us thought to help him."

"Don't put that on me! No one believed Tim, not even Cassie!" Stephanie growled out. "No one did! Tim sounded crazy."

"Indeed, Drake clearly belonged in Arkham it is too bad that Grayson had such a weak spot for that fool," Damian spoke for the first time since everything that had gone down. "If I had it my way Drake would have been locked away in Arkham getting the help he needed and no longer our problem."

"Then I would still be lost in time and Dick would be stuck with the cowl he didn't want," Bruce spoke up and Damian stilled at his father's words.

There was an air of disappointment around Bruce, "I have failed all of you so greatly. Tim the most. My son, my bright and beautiful son who pulled me from the darkness and saved my soul, I failed him and now I may lose him before having a chance to make this all right." Bruce looked so worn that Jason felt his heart thaw a little to the man he still saw as his father.

"You're not the only one who failed Tim. I was a lousy big brother and even worse partner to him. I told him that he was my partner but never supported him at all." The guilt poured off of Dick as he buried his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking with sobs. "I didn't just take Robin from him but I turned everyone against him and I made them doubt his mind. And now I might never get the chance to make things right with him. I am a horrible big brother."

"Not horrible. Just lost sight." Cass whispered as she curled up around Dick. She hated seeing her family in so much pain and she knew that this was only the start as they waited for word about Tim's condition from his friends.

Dick's shoulders shook as he drank in the comfort that Cass was offering him, even though a great part of him didn't think he deserved it.

Damian couldn't understand it. He couldn't understand why everyone was making such a big deal about what he had done to Drake, they had never cared before. He had tried and nearly succeeded in killing Drake before and none of them acted like this before.

"Damian," Duke's voice was soft as he approached him, "This is what Dick has been trying to show you, that blood doesn't always mean family. Sometimes family is those you chose and we all choose each other. Tim is a part of our family no matter how far he has drifted from us."

"It still doesn't make sense! I am father's blood son! I am the rightful heir to Robin and Batman. I was just taking my place and getting rid of the weak link and that is Drake. This isn't the first time that I have sought to harm Drake so why now is it that you are all like this when none of you said a word before. You all just stayed silent as I did my best to get rid of Drake, I thought you all agreed with me!"

Damian's words struck a chord in all of them. Not one of them could call him out on them, there wasn't a single lie in any of his words they had just all turned their back thinking they would work it out.

Two strong hands landed on his shoulders and Damian found himself looking into his father's eyes as the man knelt before him and pulled him into a hug, "I am sorry Damian, I have failed you as a father. I should have spoken to you more to ensure that you understood that we are not the league, that the league way of thinking, their teachings are not mine. And for that, I am truly sorry. I just wish it didn't take me losing another child to open my eyes."

While watching everything Jason moved towards Alfred, "Alfred, what did Bruce mean that Tim saved him?" That couldn't be right Talia had shown him how easily Bruce had moved on from him.

There was a broken look in Alfred's eyes, "Ahh my dear Master Jason it seems that there are still some things that you still do not know. I believe that there is something you need to see it might shed light on those lies Talia told you and let you see the truth of what your death did to your father."

"I think your right, Alfred." It was time Jason saw the truth for himself.

+******+

"Ahh, boss we should have never left you alone," Owens commented as he took in the broken body of Tim Drake, the man who had taken on and earned Ra Al Ghul's respect something only Batman had ever done. His fingers itched to reach out and touch him but he was too scared he might hurt him more.

"You did the right thing in calling us," Z informed the trio he knew as the other members of the core four, Tim's best friends.

"He ain't going to be happy." Pru did not want to see what Ra was going to do when he learned what had happened to Tim and who was responsible. Tim was his chosen heir and it won't matter that Damian is his grandson he will not be spared his wraith.

Conner, Bart and Cassie exchanged a look before in sync they crossed their arms over their chests. "Right now we don't care about anything that Ra might do to the Bats our only concern is how to help Tim," Conner explained.

The trio of assassins exchanged looks, "If you do this you will be making a deal with the devil, you know that, right?" Owens could see where they were coming from, he could understand caring about someone so much that they would do anything to save them. He felt that way about Z, Pru and Tim.

"We don't care. It is a deal we are willing to make." Bart spoke up his voice leaving no room for argument.

"Then I shall inform our master," Z announced and the remaining members of Core Four knew that there was no turning back now.

+******+

"Why didn't you ever show me these," Jason demanded as he tossed the black and white photos he had printed off of the Bat computer showing Batman senselessly beating a mugger.

"I didn't want you to see me like that. Besides you were so twisted up by the pit and Talia that I didn't want to send you over the edge." Bruce explained he had known that Alfred was going to show Jason what he was like after losing him and before Tim came into his life.

A mumbled curse escaped Jason as he flopped down on the couch in Bruce's office and glared at the man behind the desk, "It might have saved Tim from a lot of pain, pain that I caused him. I have his blood on my hands, Bruce! I can't ever change that! And now I might never get the chance to make things right!" It tore at Jason to know that he had been used as a pawn, that he had harmed someone who didn't deserve it. "Why does Talia hate Tim so much that she would twist me and her son into being pawns to get rid of him?"

A sigh escaped Bruce, "I don't know sport. That is something I have yet to piece together. I am sorry that you were used by her the way you were, she had no right to drag you into this. And for the reason, I didn't tell you was because I didn't want you to see me as a monster."

That had Jason sitting up in his spot.

"I was in a dark place, so dark that I no longer cared. I was so full of rage, anger and guilt that I unleashed that on anyone and everyone that I could. I showed no mercy even towards those who were just stealing so they could feed their families. If Tim hadn't come into my life I might have robbed another family of their loved one. The last thing I ever wanted you to think or believe was that you aren't love or deeply missed and mourned. I mourned you every day." Bruce's voice choked up in the end.

"Do you know how long I have wanted to hear that from you? This family needs to start communicating." Jason refused to admit that he had tears in his eyes.

"We do chum, we might not be in this mess if we did." Bruce wanted Jason back in his life, in his family but he hadn't wanted it to be at the cost of another one of his children.

A series of knocks at the door broke the moment and both eyes flew to the doorway where Dick was standing behind him was Diana, Clark and Barry all with a serious look on their faces.

A feeling of dread overtook both Bruce and Jason, "What's wrong?" Bruce demanded, he feared that it had something to do with Tim.

The world caved out from under his feet as Diana informed him, "We have learned that Cassie, Bart and Conner have made a deal with Ra to help Tim. They have left with him."

+******+

Earlier

Ra Al Ghul was not happy, his chosen heir had almost been killed by his grandson. "This will not do. I can help Tim. I can heal what has been taken from him." Ra offered.

Conner, Bart and Cassie exchanged a look this was their last chance to back out. To try and find another way to save Tim. But they didn't know if they had the time or the options.

"We will be coming with you," Conner informed him, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes beginning to turn red. Next to him, Bart's hands began to vibrate recreating the threat he had given to Damian and Cassie looked every inch the Amazon warrior she is.

Ra's lips curved up into a smirk, "I believe that is agreeable." Oh yes, he could use such fine warriors at his side and his heir would be thrilled to have them there as well.

[desroundtree]

COVID Selfishness - What It Means

As my family and I approach a year in quarantine it doesn’t get easier. Spaces that once felt large enough for us all threaten to choke us, robbing us of air and autonomy. We grapple too hard to find our footing now, moving around each other has become tedious, like a dance on eggshells in 6inch heels. Or glass. Someone is always somewhere they shouldn’t be, in someone else’s way, there is always someone. Always something. And there is no way to avoid it.

Nothing is easy. Though we try, it is just a lot to handle for a year. It’s a lot for anyone, any family, to handle for a year. We have our issues, my illnesses present themselves more often than not lately, and that has to do with the last year also. Everyday hurts because of what I see, what I hear and what I absorb. There is no way for me to turn it off, if there was I would do it trust me. But this year has been a very hard year for more than one reason in my family. More than enough tears have been shed, more than enough.

This year we spent a lot of time watching. We watched as others lived their lives in this space of lax worrying, worrying for the camera and the masses, but not really worrying. Not worry enough to change everything about their lifestyle, and I mean everything, in order to be done with what this meant for everyone. People were just not worried enough. They never have been. Maybe that’s a selfish response too, this idea that since it can’t ���really” hurt them, it’s ok if they catch it. No one thinks of the person that they transmit it to that doesn’t enjoy the same circumstance. No one thinks of the circumstances they don’t know another person lives with whether that be a compromised immune system, a newborn at home or an elderly parent they care for.

Now with the vaccine arriving, people feel even more “comfortable”. More lax. More, I don’t even know what to call it. Selfish. Fatigued. Over it. As those of us that did the work for the year just watch in horror knowing their actions equal consequences for us all. We learned that the hard way as thousands of New Yorkers died last year and our city was essentially blanketed in chaos in the beginning of this. When all you could hear were ambulance sirens and crying. When all you could see were businesses in your neighborhood shuttering, and all you could process was loss. It was palpable, on the air that we were instructed not to share with one another.

All of us suffer when you go away for that weekend that you just “need”, all of us suffer as you fight not to mask, not to vaccinate, question science, and obviously won’t wash your hands. All of us that have been doing all the things we were supposed to do get to suffer for your break when the truth is we all need a break. Every single one of us. The selfishness is astounding as well as this entitlement to someone else’s health, this idea that it doesn’t matter that someone else get sick as long as its not me. This has shown us that what one of us does, the rest of us suffer for. Yet this lesson was somehow forgotten with the stamp on a passport book.

The truth is things needed to change, and had we all listened - like some of us did - we would be over this hump. Chances are we never would have even gotten here. It’s hard to ignore the fact that spread continues simply because people continue to put themselves above the fold, their needs above others. And this is not the time to be selfish. Yet we can’t get it together enough to help one another instead of thinking we are more important than the next person. 

Hint: We aren’t. 

So as I think about what the last year has done to my family, and all the other families and people that took this seriously, there is anger and resentment at feeling like being responsible was only expected of some and not demanded of others. It’s hard to watch, it’s hard to accept and to be honest, it really makes you think about the energy and people in your life.

Is this level of selfishness acceptable? Can we accept the “I tested negative before I had dinner with 14 people” as a real excuse for having dinner with 14 people? Can we excuse large gatherings even if they are for the people we love? Can we forgive traveling to another country where the healthcare system is possibly not prepared for the wrath of something we still don’t even understand fully. Can you turn a blind eye to the selfishness presented and the energy that brings into your life?

Will you? Because honestly, I’m having a really hard time with reconciling the time I lost with the time people refused to sacrifice. I’m having a hard time. 

[tigerkirby215]

Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything subclass Tier List

(Artwork from Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything. Posted by @robmichel_art on Twitter. Copyright Wizards of the Coast.)

I was going to make some comparison posts between the UAs and the full release of Tasha’s but other more qualified people are doing that, so instead in my continued effort to pretend that this account is for more than just me satisfy my character building obsession I decided to make a little tier list ranking the subclasses from Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything from my least favorite to my favorite.

This list is going to be comparing the subclasses from Tasha’s to each-other, but is also going to be comparing the subclasses to the other available subclasses for the class they’re from. So even if I really like a subclass it’ll lose points if the class already had better options. I’m not going to talk about any of the reprinted classes from Eberron or Ravnica but I will talk about the reprinted Theros subclasses (Eloquence Bard / Glory Paladin) as for many people this will be their first time seeing them.

Also it goes without saying but this is just my opinion! So sorry if you really like the next class you’re about to see because it’s at the bottom of my tier list!

F TIER

Psi Warrior (Fighter)

Well something had to be the worst. Truthfully I really wasn’t interested in the Psi Warrior during UA but wow its full release leaves a lot to be desired.

First let’s get the obvious out of the way: “Worse Battlemaster LUL!” It is laughable how bad this subclass is when compared to Battlemaster. BM gets to give itself advantage, give allies advantage, move allies, fear enemies, grapple enemies, give enemies disadvantage... and by comparison Psi Warriors get to do a little more damage or reduce a bit of incoming damage.

The fact that this subclass requires Intelligence confuses me to no end. They changed both Rune Knight and Soul Knife to not require intelligence (even though Rogues are kinda expected to have good Intelligence to help with skill checks) but Psi Warrior still needs INT? It amazes me that Battlemaster, Rune Knight, and Echo Knight are all SAD (single ability dependent) yet Psi Warrior of all subclasses is the one they consider too strong if you can min-max.

The biggest problem with this class by far is the Psionic Energy Die. Having your main class resource only come back after a Long Rest is insulting. (It’s the problem that Samurai Fighter has had since it was printed and it’s really sad that Wizards of the Coast didn’t learn from that.) While Battlemaster gets bigger die that have more effects which come back on a short rest Psi Warrior can only recharge one die per short rest. Honestly this subclass would be so much better if you regained Psionic Energy Die when using Second Wind (as well as having a dedicated action for it) so at least then you could have more than one die per short rest.

The only good level in this subclass is level 7, entirely because you get to Fly when you Dash. I mean, sure the UA Dragon Monk can also do that but at least this is in the official rules. Everything else that this subclass gets is weak: Telekinetic Thrust lets you do what Battlemasters were doing at level 3,  Guarded Mind is just bad (Monk? Never heard of ‘em!), Bulwark of Force is mediocre at best (I know like 3 people who actually understand how cover works in 5e), and Telekinetic Master is a laughably weak capstone. Your capstone as a Fighter is a situational 5th level spell that takes away your ability to attack? Meanwhile actual spellcasters are casting 9th level spells, and other martials are doing upwards of 50 damage per turn.

At first I was largely indifferent to the Psi Warrior but after reading over all its abilities its laughable how bad it is. It at least surpasses Purple Dragon Knight in terms of mediocrity (ironic considering that the two of them are beside each-other on D&D Beyond) but it’s the only true stinker of Tasha’s, and it gets the honor of being the second weakest Fighter subclass and the weakest subclass in this book.

D TIER

Aberrant Mind (Sorcerer)

This is the best subclass to play if your only desire is to cast spells, and I mean that in the worst possible way. While every other Sorcerer has a defined class role Aberrant Mind feels like the most generic milk-toast subclass that you pick simply because you didn’t know what to play. While Clockwork Soul defends, Divine Soul heals, Draconic Bloodline blasts, Shadow Magic sneaks, Storm Sorcerer evades, and Wild Magic does memes Aberrant Mind’s only major strengths come online at level 14+.

Telepathy at level 1 is a joke when compared to the other Sorcerers. CS can negate advantage, DS gets Super Bless on top of access to the Cleric spell list, DB gets free Mage Armor, SM gets super Darkvision and the Half Orc racial trail, SS gets goddamn flight, and WM gets to kill the party at level 1 with a level 3 fireball. Meanwhile AM gets the Message cantrip with a longer range.

Psionic Sorcery is okay. Getting cheaper* (citation needed) spells that you can Subtle Spell for free is alright. The subclass spell list is good and seeing as you can sub out the spell to take better ones if needed you can really get some useful magic for your kit.

SPELLS TO LOOK AT AS AN ABBERANT MIND SORCERER

LEVEL 1

Dissonant Whispers is honestly a really good spell to have, but Arms of Hadar is a bit situational. If willing you can swap it out with: the utility Divination spells (Detect Magic / Identity - remember that Sorcerers can’t Ritual cast so it might be better for someone else to take these), Hex, Sleep, or Tasha’s Hideous Laughter.

LEVEL 2

Gift of Gab from Acquisitions Incorporated is either going to be a complete joke of a spell or the most useful spell in your arsenal. Hold Person is the most obvious choice from second level. Tasha’s Mind Whip is a great single-target damage spell with some added utility, and is almost objectively better than Mind Spike because it doesn’t require Concentration.

LEVEL 3

Both Hunger of Hadar and Sending are great spells, and there really aren’t a lot of Divination / Enchantment spells at third level. The only one I can really recommend is Tongues if you need the utility.

LEVEL 4

Evard’s Black Tentacles and Summon Aberration are both extremely strong spells, but if you want to replace them for some reason: Arcane Eye is essentially just a better familiar, Confusion is a great AoE disruption spell, and Locate Creature can be useful in a pinch.

LEVEL 5

Honestly the spell list really opens up at 5th level. Just about any choice is good, so look on D&D Beyond to see what to take. If you know me I’m going to recommend Synaptic Static.

Psychic Defenses, like with Psi Warrior, seems to have been taped onto the class because WoTC realized how weak it was so they just threw more situational garbage into its kit to compensate.

Revelation in Flesh is pretty much the only good ability you get. And granted there’s some insane utility with this ability. Not-quite-Blindsense, fly speed (best one), swim speed (worst one), and the folding ability that I’m sure will result in some interesting stories on Reddit. Warping Implosion is also a great escape-utility ability but like it’s your 18th level capstone of course it was going to be good.

If I was going to play in a level 20 one shot I’d perhaps roll up a level 20 Aberrant Mind. (Or more like a level 18 Aberrant Mind with 2 levels in Warlock because Sorcerer’s level 20 capstone sucks lol.) But unless I knew the campaign was going to at least level 15 I wouldn’t even bother.

Oath of the Watchers (Paladin)

It was boring in UA and it’s boring now. I feel bad that I have so little to say about Oath of the Watchers, especially after writing massive paragraphs about Psi Warrior and Aberrant Mind. But Oath of the Watchers feels like the worst parts of Arcana Cleric to me. Only difference is that while Arcana Cleric gets Wizard spells you get Moonbeam and help with Initiative. This subclass feels more campaign-specific than PHB Ranger and that’s really saying something.

Swarmkeeper (Ranger)

It’s certainly the most unique Ranger, both in terms of concept and in terms of abilities. It actually has a lot of utility with a good spell list and the Gathered Swarm feature providing a lot of great utility to a martial character. The thing is that in all honesty this subclass is kinda boring until level 15. And the other big problem is that the fantasy and roleplay that this subclass provides is so strange. When you think “Ranger” do you think master of the hunt, traveling through multiple dimensions and slaying powerful foes from the shadows with a tamed beast at their side? Or do you think “hurr durr bugzzz”?

This subclass feels like the one you pick when you've played literally every other subclass available, or when you get them from a random character generator. Ironically enough I do actually have a friend who made a Swarmkeeper for a one-shot I ran back when this subclass was in UA. But the fact that they made the character just to test UA shows just the type of characters that will be made with this subclass.

Way of Mercy (Monk)

You either love it or you’re completely indifferent, is what I have found the general opinion of Way of Mercy to be. Guess which camp I’m in. This subclass literally just feels like a Cleric with mobility whose healing comes back on a short rest. Time will see how OP “I can heal every turn and get my Cure Wounds back on a Short Rest” not-Cleric will be, but until then the subclass is pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. For the people who wanted to play a healing Monk I’m happy for them.

Path of the Beast (Barbarian)

If I can sum up Path of the Beast in one word it’s “underwhelming.” Form of the Beast gives you three above-average weapons to choose from, Bestial Soul gives you some movement buffs, Infectious Fury lets you do some decent crowd control or damage spiking, and Call the Hunt lets you buff your party.

The thing is... you’re fighting against “resist all damage” (Totem Warrior), “protect your allies with your JoJo Stand” (Ancestral Guardian), “smite with the wrath of God” (Zealot), or “shoot lightning out of your goddamn chest.” (Storm Herald.) It’s not a bad subclass and honestly compared to some of the existing Barbarians (Beserker, Battlerager, and honestly Storm Herald is bad too) it’s pretty strong. But it’s just so, so boring.

I need to preface this by saying that Barbarian is probably my least favorite class in 5e and for what it’s worth I’m certainly more interested in playing Path of the Beast than say Battlerager, but I can’t help but feel that this subclass just lets you hit things better as the class that does nothing other than hit things. The only real positive I see to this subclass is the flavor, which absolutely carries it above the likes of Totem Warrior and Zealot. (Both of which I think are objectively stronger than Beast Barbarian.)

Clockwork Soul (Sorcerer)

It been mostly unchanged from playtest even though as I stated Clockwork Soul was one of the subclasses I was a little worried about. But even then the subclass just feels so boring to me. It seems like this subclass is entirely designed to be the “no fun allowed” character who just says “No U” to everything the DM does. Don’t get me wrong it’s certainly a strong defensive subclass but I feel like if you want to play a defensive spellcaster you’re more likely to play an Abjuration Wizard or a Cleric in general.

And the lore just doesn’t really click for me? I can understand how you’d have dragon blood magic, shadow soul magic, and celestial infusion magic. But how the heck do you get a Clockwork Soul? I know Mechanus is a thing in D&D but I feel like for the average normie this won’t make any sense.

Also RIP in piss Heat Metal from the subclass spell list. Here’s my suggestion for spells if you want to play a CSS:

LEVEL 1 - Absorb Elements, Armor of Agathys, Featherfall, Mage Armor, Shield

LEVEL 2 (Aid and Lesser Restoration are good but Aid chews through your spell slots) - Enhance Ability, Enlarge / Reduce

LEVEL 3 - Blink, Counterspell, Fly, Gaseous Form, Haste, Slow

LEVEL 4 (Tasha’s Summoning Spells are good but Freedom of Movement is highly situational) - Banishment, Polymorph

LEVEL 5 - Animate Objects, Passwall

C TIER

College of Creation (Bard)

It has a lot of interesting abilities. Performance of Creation in particular is arguably one of the strongest abilities for someone who knows the equipment page well in the PHB. The problem is just that unless you have a very specific build in mind I don’t really know why you’d play the College of Creation? It feels like a Conjuration Wizard... but it’s a Bard. Perhaps the biggest irony is how much stronger this subclass feels when compared to the Conjuration Wizard, but you really have to be in the mood to play a conjurer.

Oath of Glory (Paladin)

Having some experience playing this subclass in a one-shot (Theros yay!): it’s very hit-or-miss. The spell list is amazing, the Channel Divinities are mediocre at best, the aura is garbage (10 foot +10 movement aura LUL), Glorious Defense is insane, and Living Legend is a capstone ability so of course it’s going to be good.

I think the main reason you’ll pick this subclass is for their subclass spells. And don’t get me wrong: Guiding Bolt and Haste are crazy good. But considering that Paladins usually want to blow everything on Smites?

When I played this character it was a 9 level dip into Paladin with a 3 level dip into Warlock. I didn’t use a melee weapon and opted for Eldritch Blast spamming. And that’s essentially this subclass as a whole: it wants you to be a spellcaster, which is great if you multiclass into a spellcaster (Aura of Protection is always good) but it feels bad as an actual Paladin.

The new Fighting Style that lets you get some cantrips as a Paladin might make this subclass better, but you’re still stuck being a half caster. Can’t escape the feeling that an actual caster would be better.

Path of Wild Magic (Barbarian)

It’s fun, is all I can really say. The subclass is built almost entirely around the Wild Surge table you get at level 3 and all the effects are strong. (Thankfully none of them are OP like in UA.) Unstable Backlash means that with luck you should eventually get a good Wild Magic effect.

The use of a d3 for Bolstering Magic is still a crime. It should just be a d4, with the spell slot restoration thing being “reroll on a 4.” (Or better yet: “roll a d4 and take half the roll, rounded up.” I still think having an RNG chance to get back a Haste or Fireball is a bit too strong.)

B TIER

Fey Wanderer (Ranger)

All I can say is thank god this subclass got better. It went from a weird pseudo-Paladin to a subclass with its own identity and theme. The only ability that’s really weak currently is Dreadful Strikes since it encourages you to spread out your damage for no particular reason. Horizon Walker had a similar problem but you could still focus damage as Horizon Walker. And you were doing more than a d4 of extra damage.

But beyond that this subclass is great! The subclass spell list is very strong. Otherworldly Glamour gives you some utility as a party face. Beguiling Twist... is honestly a little hit-or-miss. But it’s made up for by Fey Reinforcements and Misty Wanderer. Having a non-concentration summoning spell along with near-unlimited Misty Step is so insanely powerful to keep out of harm and to keep your DPS up.

Fey Wanderer seems really good at a lot of the things a Ranger wants to do. It’s a good skill monkey (being good at Charisma which other Rangers usually aren’t), a good damage dealer, a strong defensive support, a great single-unit summoner, and incredibly slippery and mobile. I don’t know if it’s enough to make me play the class (Ranger’s flavor is still iffy for me overall) but it’s definitely on my list for subclasses to try someday!

Order of the Scribes (Wizard)

Order of the Scribes is the best default Wizard, which is its biggest strength and its largest weakness. Getting a free colored pen is fun and flavorful, being able to get all your spells back if you lose your spellbook is insanely useful, always having an Arcane Focus is great, being able to replace the damage type of your spells is MASSIVE, getting to cast a Ritual Spell with its normal casting time is situationally fantastic.

Getting what essentially amounts to a free familiar is amazing. Getting what essentially amounts to a free spell slot (to upcast a second level spell) is great, and is honestly worth multiclassinging into for a lot of classes. Being able to negate incoming damage as a Wizard (IE squishy d6 hit die baby) is huge, even if you lose a lot of spells in the process. (I assure you by level 14 you’re going to have some useless spells that you’re never going to cast.)

But the problem with Order of the Scribes is that it has to compete with Divination, Evocation, Chronurgy, and War Wizard. If you have any specific build you want to go for then the specific schooled subclasses are better. But if you “just want to cast spells or whatever” Order of the Scribes is a lot of fun.

I actually have a character who’d fit Order of the Scribes very well, it’s just that Chronurgy feels so much more fun even if it doesn’t fit him as well. And that’s literally the exact problem with Order of the Scribes summed up in one anecdote.

Peace Domain (Cleric)

You may be forgiven for thinking this subclass is just a Life Cleric that doesn’t wear Heavy Armor, but the Emboldening Bond and the upgrades it gets are incredibly useful. Protective Bond in particular is such a massive power boost to the tanks of your party, giving them mobility and letting them take damage for squishy allies.

Peace Domain is by far the best party buffing spellcaster. They make everyone else amazing, and while that may not be fun for everyone I’m a garbage Yuumi main so it’s right up my alley.

Circle of Wildfire (Druid)

“iT dOeSn’T hAvE fIrEbAlL aNyMoRe It’S bAd BeCaUsE nO fIrEbAlL” oh get over your Fireball fetish Reddit. Circle of Wildfire is carried pretty much entirely by its flavor. It’s such a unique take on a Druid it’s impossible not to find at least some build to make with this subclass.

That’s not to say that it’s a bad subclass! The summon feels weak but you get two of them per short rest. Having a powerful subclass feature tied to short rests is really nice as a spellcaster. All your other features are very useful and flavorful, though my one complaint is that Cauterizing Flames is hard to use in Theater of the Mind.

It’s just a very fun and unique subclass that offers a unique flavor to Druids that they don’t normally have. I’m sure a lot of players will be motivated to try a Druid just to take a crack at this class. Hopefully they realize that only you can prevent forest fires.

A TIER

Phantom (Rogue)

I’m actually surprised how much I like this class to be honest. I made a Phantom Rogue once as a joke for a one-shot and to my surprise the subclass is actually very powerful and fun! It surprisingly just feels like a better Rogue, but considering how strong Rogues are normally that’s all the better for Phantom Rogue. You can easily fill any skill proficiencies your party needs thanks to Whispers of the Dead, and Wails from the Grave really lets you increase your DPS.

Tokens of the Departed got a major boost from UA since it now lets you use Wails from the Grave more, but the flavor of being able to ask the souls of the dead for information is also great. Ghost Walk is just insanely useful in general, and Death’s Friend lets you do double Sneak Attack damage every turn! Imagine how much damage you’d do with a crit!

The flavor is the one thing that I think hurts this subclass, as it’s really hard to make essentially an undead Rogue without immediately being labeled as an edgelord. But if a party ever needs a Rogue to do all the things that a Rogue does this character is perfect!

I’m personally awaiting the day to bring back Bill, the Undead Kobold Detective.

Way of the Astral Self (Monk)

JoJo subclass. I like JoJo. This subclass was overpowered in UA but the final release manages to capture the same feeling without being broken. Let’s go over the features one by one:

Arms of the Astral Self gives you a JoJo stand rush against everyone close to you, letting you recreate the flavor of JooJ without breaking action economy too much. But being able to prioritize Wisdom is huge to keep your Stunning Strike DC high while still getting good attack damage. But it’s still not OP since Dexterity is tied to your AC. It’s perhaps a little strong for multiclass builds (you can use your spellcasting modifier to attack) but multiclassing into Monk has always been kinda iffy, and Shillelagh has existed since the PHB was released. It should also be said that having Reach weapons as a Monk is huge, since you don’t have to get the Mobile feat to do hit-and-run.

Visage of the Astral Self is a nice social feature for a subclass that doesn’t normally get social features. Body of the Astral Self gives you more defense and offense. And Awakened Astral Self just further increases your defense and offense.

Excluding weeb shit this subclass just has awesome flavor. I’m actually planning on playing this subclass soon. (I’m playing a Cleric / Monk multiclass and I’m only level 2 in Monk currently.) I’m surprised myself that my first Astral Self character isn’t a fucking JoJo OC, considering that I already have a grand total of about 5 JoJo OCs.

Twilight Domain (Cleric)

Twilight domain also surprised me with how interesting it is. I don’t really have much to say other than it has a good mix of defensive, offensive, and utility abilities. Your subclass spell list is very strong for the most part. Eyes of Night and Vigilant Blessing are both just generally useful. Twilight Sanctuary isn’t insane but it’s consistent and it’s nice. Steps of Night is very strong and has a nice aesthetic. And Twilight Shroud is a good boost to your Channel Divinity.

The honest truth is that Twilight Domain feels kinda weak by comparison to some of the other Clerics. It’s no Forge, Grave, Life, or even Order Domain is all I can say. The fact that all your features only work in the dark is iffy if you don’t have shadows to sulk in. But along with just generally having good abilities the flavor is really what carries this subclass.

Here’s a meme:

Armorer (Artificer)

Artificer is one of my favorite classes so it’s no surprise that a new Artificer subclass excites me. Armorer fills a niche that I think Artificer didn’t have, and surprisingly it’s not the “tank” archetype. Armorer is still a good tank but the Infiltrator armor also gives you an option to play the subclass at range.

What I like is that Armorer is a subclass that doesn’t have a summon and puts more focus on your infusions. Armor Modifications is such a great feature that really brings the customization to Artificer. It truly lets you make your character your own instead of focusing on concrete class features. It doesn’t surpass Warlock Invocations for customizability, but it’s still great to get two personal magic items of your choice.

Yeah this subclass is going to be used a lot for min-maxing. Giving Wizards easy access to Heavy Armor is a little scary. But really if a Wizard wants to take a 3 level dip just for armor and the Guidance cantrip let them. Let the squishy boys have some AC for once.

Circle of Stars (Druid)

Full disclosure: I’ve been wanting to make a Stars Druid after the Rise of the Mountain expansion came to Legends of Runeterra. My first Druid had Telepathy (I took the Telepathic feat as a joke since I had a floating ability score) and it helped me realize how crazy a Druid with telepathy was for espionage. After seeing The Trickster celestial card from LoR I felt the artwork hit all three of my qualifiers for a character: class I want to play, great theme, and furry.

(Artwork by Kudos Productions. Made for Riot Games.)

My personal interest in this subclass aside: it has such a wonderful aesthetic that’s perfect for any character who wants an astral connection. The features are also great: Guiding Bolt is a strong spell to have as is Guidance, and having reactionary Bardic Inspirations is nice for a spellcaster.

But of course the main feature of Starry Form lets you still play the game normally while also benefitting from your Wild Shapes. Stars Druid is probably the second best Wildshape Druid despite not actually Wildshaping. Free Bonus Action attacks is huge, extra healing is always helpful, help with concentration (and Flight later) is really swell, and resisting all damage while not-Wildshaped is very helpful and lets you play as a pseudo Frontliner.

Stars Druid just does so many nice things and I think it’s a great subclass that can fit into any team comp. Druids are already insanely useful (arguably one of the strongest classes in 5e) so to have one that can do so much is massive.

Soulknife (Rogue)

Much like Phantom Rogue this subclass feels just really good in general. You can boost your skill checks and also add not-Bardic Inspiration to your attack rolls to do more guaranteed damage. However this subclass is by far the best Rogue for infiltration. Yes: even better than Assassin. (Though I’d perhaps suggest learning how to use a Disguise Kit.) 1 mile telepathy, teleportation, and invisibility all seem to be built for infiltration. If you have a DM who likes infiltration, espionage, and other encounters that don’t involve combat then Soulknife is by far the best subclass on offer.

But of course you aren’t picking Soulknife just to sneak around! The Psychic Blades are easily the most useful feature not just for Rogues, but for many builds! Having an unlimited supply of thrown weapon suddenly makes a lot more builds viable. My dreams of a ranged Paladin or ranged Barbarian are somewhat crushed by RAW, but there are still some niches that can be filled with unlimited throwing weapons.

Fun fact: you can’t do extra Rage damage with thrown weapons, but you can use Reckless Attack on thrown Finesse weapons. What’s more interesting is that you can’t use Divine Smite on thrown weapons, but you can use Improved Divine Smite on thrown weapons. But of course you can always talk to your DM to see what their final ruling is.

Rune Knight (Fighter)

You can become Giant which makes my stupid furry ass horny for Volibear and Nasus.

I mean I’ve gotta be honest like 75% of the reason I’m hyped for Rune Knight is to become a giant. But the runes are also very strong, giving the subclass some Battlemaster-esque gimmicks that have a bit more magical flavor than the other martials. I also really like that the subclass gets boosts to their skills, allowing you to help out of combat as a Fighter.

There isn’t much I can specifically praise about Rune Knight because the whole subclass is fantastic. It’s a very good mix of defense, offense, and utility both in and out of combat.

The Fathomless (Warlock)

Sheeyutu Nagakabouros. Nagakabouros-shee-shok.

Having played a Fathomless Warlock in UA I can safely say: it’s a good subclass. Having a consistent source of Bonus Action damage is nice, and being able to use it defensively is also great. Extra spells known as a Warlock is nice (and Evard’s Black Tentacles is a great spell!) And a teleport with a mile distance is rather crazy.

So much of the subclass is built around the tentacle which is great because the tentacle is such a great Bonus Action damage source. I really wish I had more to say but the power of this subclass starts and ends at how great having what amounts to an extra Eldritch Blast as a Bonus Action every turn is.

S TIER

College of Eloquence (Bard)

Yup. One of the best subclasses in this book was also in Theros. It helps that my favorite D&D character of all time was a College of Eloquence Bard.

This subclass got so much better since UA. Reliable Talent for Charisma checks at level 3 is fucking nuts! And on top of that Unsettling Words is a great way to soften enemies up for devastating spells. Universal Speech at 6th level pretty much singlehandedly enables the “peaceful” route with a lot of enemies, allowing you to talk your way out of problems.

But this bard is the king of inspiration! Unfailing Inspiration fixes the biggest problem with the Bard class, and Infectious Inspiration multiplies your Bardic Inspiration to a ridiculous degree. This Bard is just so reliably fantastic at Bard things, all while still being a full spellcaster that can make it harder for enemies to deal with spellcasters. It doesn’t get anything special from its subclass but you only got 3 features from your subclass as a Bard anyways. Baseline Bards are amazing and the insurance on your features from this subclass makes it all the better.

The Genie (Warlock)

If the fact that I stick Warlock levels into literally every build didn’t prove it I really like Warlocks, and Genie Warlock is easily the best Warlock subclass. Period. I actually have a post in the works where I go in-depth as to why Genie Warlock is so good. But in short:

Being able to choose between four subclass spell lists is crazy good. Like ridiculously good. A single level in this subclass gives you a Bag of Holding, a (single person) Leomund’s Tiny Hut, and a damage boost to all your attacks every turn!

6th level gives you damage resistance which is always good, but I seriously can not stress how ridiculous non-concentration Flight is for a Warlock. Your spell selection and spell slots are already so limited, and this subclass lets you get all the utility of flight pretty much whenever you please. Just think about how strong Aaracokra are and then consider that this is basically the Aaracokra’s only racial trait.

Sanctuary Vessel lets you upgrade your Leomund’s Tiny Hut power to affect the whole party. By this point you can indeed Long Rest in the lamp, and I need to stress how less suspicious a lone lamp is to a giant bubble of magical force. You could easily hide the lamp somewhere and (if the party is traveling light) be practically undetectable.

Oh and Limited Wish? So you know how the best feature of the Bard is their Magical Secrets? What if you got to choose (practically) any spell of 6th level or lower whenever you please? The only “problem” with Limited Wish is that you have to know every spell that you can pick from, but whenever “too much choice” is a problem in a game of infinite choices you know it’s a good feature.

Genie Warlocks do everything that Warlocks want to do so well. More damage on all your attacks to maximize the value of cantrip spamming, mobility to keep safe without spending spell slots, more high level spells, and giving the party a safe place to rest and recharge. I played a full Genie Warlock and absolutely loved it. I highly recommend this subclass to anyone who wants to play a Warlock. It’s just so versatile and useful I’m sure anyone can find a way to enjoy playing it.

[fan-enby-anonymous]

Hi @mentosmorii, so fun story, I was going to reblog your post about why Opal was a reoccurring villain in the Artemis Fowl series again with some of my thoughts, but then some of my thoughts became ALL of my thoughts, and I didn't want to do my homework. So, I'm sorry in advance but here are all of my thoughts on all of the Artemis Fowl villains. I'm sorry.

I think forcing the LEP to be involved is probably the main factor in having Opal be the archvillain, but i also think the other Artemis Fowl villains are meant to be different kinds of foils than Opal is.

Cudgen started as Opal's partner in crime, so he could have been an archvillain, but he was a foil to Root, not Artemis, so he fizzled out narrativly speaking shortly before Root did. They both served their purpose to the story.

Spiro is a foil to Artemis, but he isn't so much a representation of what Artemis's own ambitions gone unchecked could turn him into as much as he is a representation of what his Father's ambitions gone unchecked could become.

While our Artemis definitely mirrors a lot of his father's values, and who could blame him, he's just a kid, they're not exactly the same. Artemis II values knowledge and willingly details his own plans in order to learn about/from the people on numerous occasions. (Dismantling Holly's traker so he can see how it works rather than just destroying it, agreeing to help take down the goblin revolution, etc.) And he's also loyal to his family above all else. (I don't think I need to explain that one, go read book 1.)

Artemis I however, he doesn't seem to care about anything but the family business, at least in book 1. He pays no mind to how his abuses and reckless business deals effect his wife and child, he makes promises he never intends to keep, and he gets many people killed trying to get ahead. He doesn't have his son's loyalty or any of his remaining innocence and curiosity. In book 1, Artemis I is Spiro.

Then, Artemis I is rescued and somewhat changed his ways, but, book 3 still opens with Artemis II feeling conflicted about his father's recent changes and their relationship. Some part of Artemis still longs for his past relationship with his father, because he knew his role back then and their relationship was strained and dissatisfying, but it was simple to navigate and allowed Artemis freedom.

Spiro is there to tell Artemis to stop wishing for the past. Maybe his relationship with his father was "easier" when his father was still a terrible person, but returning to those ways will only get Artemis another villain in his life, and it's better to sort through the messy emotions than let that happen.

Minerva is another can of worms altogether. She does function as a foil for Artemis in the story, but from the way that Colfer talks about her, I don't think that was his intention when writing her. By Colfer's own admission, Artemis and Minerva were supposed to be the same person, that's why he dropped her character so quickly, he didn't think he could do many interesting things with two people who were functionally one character, so he wrote her out.

The problem there is that the fandom didn't see it that way at all. I and many others thought that Minerva was actually a very different character from Artemis. Minerva's motivation for kidnapping a demon is to win a Noble Prize and be revered by the academic community; Artemis's motivation for kidnapping a fairy was to save his father's life. Minerva's relationship with her remaining parent is strained due to his ineptitude at handling her personality and her own defensiveness; Artemis's relationship with his remaining parent is strained due to Angeline's worsening delusions and the long periods of time Artemis spends away from her. Minerva is used to her role as an older sibling and treats her brother's health and safety in a casual and caring manner that most siblings are probably used to; Artemis is completely unprepared to become an older sibling at the end of book 5 and we later see him interact with his brothers clumsily, acting more like a teacher or a parent than a brother. And that's just scratching the surface.

They're very different, and more could have been done with them, but their differences aren't intentional, so nothing was done with their relationship. (And even if Minerva did show up again, I doubt it would be as a villain. She's learned too much to become an antagonist to the people again.)

And the other book 6 villain, Leon Abbott or N'zall, while a very interesting villain who could be argued to be a metaphor for many things (including government corruption, fascism, and just plain capitalism) was a very niche villain. He wouldn't pack the same punch in any environment other than Hybras, so he wouldn't have been a very good archvillain. And, the poetic justice of someone who only ever desired power through threats, manipation, and violence straight up getting turned into a hampster is just too good to pass up.

And Kronski, he's a strange case. He is meant to be a monument to Artemis's insecurities and failures, but he's modeled off of 10yo Artemis.

10yo Artemis, while narratively interesting and definitely fun to read about, never felt like our Artemis to me. He seems more like an alternate universe version of Artemis than a younger version of him that naturally progressed to become the person we met on book 1. I know that they explained this by mind wiping young Artemis but... that didn't really work for me. I guess a revenge seeking, time traveling Damon Kronski could have been a recurring villain in the series, but I'm glad he wasn't. I was very glad when Opal overshadowed him in that story, she felt like the first familiar thing in a story that had become something other than the Artemis Fowl I knew.

And finally, there's Turnball. He falls into the same trap of being a foil to Root and not Artemis, but I think he's better written, so I'm going to talk about him more. Turnball is narratively interesting because he's a representation of the greatest failures of fairy society. Namely government and police corruption, racism, sexisim, and a blindness to these very flaws. He was a corrupt politician and police officer, one of the most powerful out there for a while, used this power in order to stoke racial tensions in Haven to ensure he'd stay on top, and goes on sexist tirades against both Holly and Opal on multiple occasions. And, for all the damage he did, no one noticed for a hell of a long time and even after they did, it didn't take much time for people to forget him or for him to convince the prison staff that he was ultimately harmless.

So, why wasn't Turnball the archvillain. Well, aside from being a little late to the game, I think the main reason he wasn't the archvillain was that he'd take way too much attention away from Artemis.

Artemis already isn't the only main character of the books, he's very much sharing that title with Holly. And Turnball is the perfect foil for Holly as well as for Root, he's a perfect blend of what she hates about her society and the negative traits she has to grapple with in herself. Making Turnball the archvillain would take the focus away from Artemis and Butler and put it on Holly and Root. They just wouldn't fit in a story about confronting police corruption. And, while I'd love a more Holly centric storyline with more time to explore Root's character and more career given to Haven's problems, that wasn't the story Colfer signed up to tell.

So that leaves Opal. And, just because none of the other villains don't work as archvillains, it doesn't mean she does. But, I think she actually fits the role really well. Just like Turnball is a perfect foil for Root and Holly and Spiro is a perfect foil for Artemis I, i think Opal is the perfect foil for Artemis II.

Opal is the most cut and dry representation of Artemis's insecurities that we get throughout the entire series. Artemis feels very insecure about his relationship with his father. He's put under undue pressure from a young age to conform to what his father wants him to be and when their ideals don't line up Artemis finds it nearly impossible to communicate this dissonance in a healthy way. Opal felt exactly the same way as a child, albeit for different reasons, and destroyed her father because of it. Artemis has to deal with his selfishness throughout the series. The more he comes to terms with the fact that he has to think about other's needs, not just his own or his father's, the more he improves. And, as time goes on, Opal ends up becoming even more selfish and falling further and further into her delusions or grandeur, making her the perfect person for Artemis to project onto as the worse Opal gets, the worse Artemis's opinion of his past self becomes. Artemis is petty and jelous around his schoolmates, so is Opal, and she slowly lets it consume her life to the point where she wants to murder Foaly... because? he won? a science fair?

Anyway, this very much got away from me, but Artemis and Opal mirror each other in unique ways which is why I think Colfer chose her specifically as Artemis's nemesis.

[rosaliekali]

I have feelings about why I’m just not a fan of Napoleon and Leonardo’s routes despite liking the characters and I need to write them out. These are just my opinions so take them with a grain of salt, but I narrowed down why I’m just not a fan to some points. It’s fine if you disagree and think they are the best routes in the game, but these are just some of my own criticisms. 

Very, very long post ahead. Obviously, it will contain a lot of spoilers. 

I’ll start with Napoleon’s route. Napoleon’s route just has so much going on that it is not able to really accomplish much. There are so many plot points to the route that the writers can’t give each point the time it deserves.

The first plot point is the route’s goal to humanize Napoleon. “The Emperor” / “The Nightmare of Europe” are some of the titles Napoleon holds, and the game tries to get readers to see him as just a man. MC goes in not knowing much about him and begins to see him as a person in order to show readers that even he is just a man that can fall for MC, but the route just doesn’t do it properly.

Sure, we start out fine. MC finds little things within Napoleon which do show us he is just a man, his laughing fits / his love for chicken / his tendency to oversleep / his love for the children he teaches, but it’s just not really pulled off correctly. The way that it tries to humanize Napoleon for most of the route is just through surface level stuff. Little quirks he has which give MC a very basic comprehension of who he is as a person. Nothing too deep or advanced. Then, when we start to get somewhere on humanizing him-delving into his past and early life-we’re shown the scene with Napoleon pulling his sword out and calling himself the Nightmare of Europe again. 

This scene pretty much threatens to undo the humanizing the route attempted in the beginning. It shocks MC and there’s a part of her that has to grapple with who Napoleon presents himself in moments of danger and who he is with her. Honestly, this isn’t a bad thing. Had Cyikemen given MC ample time to figure things out and process the two Napoleons she knows, it could have pulled off everything else seamlessly because MC would then accept that Napoleon is a complex person and that she can still see the human parts of him that he has shown her thereby really making him human-but it just doesn’t manage this. The route has so much other stuff its dealing with that MC pretty much just shoves this memory aside and continues on with her romance of Napoleon. It fell flat when I read it and didn’t accomplish the humanization it tried in the beginning. 

To be fair, I will give the writers credit for this plot point because it did start off well and it was genius to have Sebastian serve as MC’s friend in this route because he really helped her see Napoleon as a man by counseling her and speaking to her about his past, but I personally just didn’t feel like it pulled off what it aimed for.

The second plot point is the demi-vampire arch. Napoleon is not a full vampire at the start of the route, he is still half human. As the route progresses he begins to change into a full lesser vampire and the game tries to make this a major shift in who he is. However, reading the route...I just didn’t care.

I get that the writers wanted to mirror the whole ‘humanizing Napoleon’ with ‘Napoleon wanting to stay human for MC so she could think of him as a regular man,’ but I don’t think they managed this. The reason for this is because we’re not really shown much of a difference between Napoleon and the other residents. Sure, he’s half human and closer to MC biologically...but why should we care? MC grows to trust him first because she knows she doesn’t risk being bitten at his side, but it’s not like the other residents are much of a danger to her. She trusts them too eventually, pretty quickly might I add, so it’s not a big deal. Plus, Napoleon is pretty close biologically to the others too. There’s not a huge difference between Demi-Vampires and Lesser Vampires. What Napoleon has to face in terms of romancing a full human isn’t all that different as to what the others face in their routes.

The writers tried to make his transformation this big deal probably to tie it into the fact that Napoleon only ever wanted to be seen as a normal man, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Plus, it’s not like it was this major thing with MC either. So the whole arch just felt unnecessary in my opinion and apparently other routes haven’t felt the need for it either considering Napoleon doesn’t undergo much of a transformation outside of his own route. 

The third plot line is the villain arch. This one I don’t have much to say. I think it was done properly and I did like the sadness it brought with it. I will give the writers points for it, I just wish it hadn’t been crammed in with the other plot points. Not much commentary on this. 

Finally, the last plot point is the romance itself. This is the one I really didn’t feel. MC is a great character, she’s from a modern era and confident / highly educated with a knowledge of several different languages / well traveled / charming / witty /etc...but we don’t see that in Napoleon’s route. MC just doesn’t stand out or make herself seem special. I know that this is normal in Japanese Otome’s, cultural differences and all, but this isn’t a problem in some of the other routes. The fact that it was present here just made the route fall flat. 

Yes, Napoleon didn’t want to be an Emperor and really just wanted to be a simple man-but I just don’t understand why he would fall for such a simple MC. Napoleon would have no doubt have had access to women more beautiful, charming, educated, etc. than her as a human. However, because Cyikemen erases all previous lovers in their games, we can assume he never truly fell in love until MC. For me, this just isn’t realistic. His MC isn’t as established as the others, this route doesn’t make her shine like other routes, so him falling for someone who is so simple compared to the other women he would have met before just didn’t really make sense. 

I feel like we could see why MC fell for him, since we were shown her thoughts, but its a mystery why Napoleon fell for her so fast. Sure, she saw him as a normal man which is what he always wanted...but that’s not really enough to build a relationship out of. Perhaps a friendship or something but not this big love story Cyikemen wants to present. I mean, even Jean asks Napoleon at one point why he fell for MC since he doesn’t see anything really special about her and I was inclined to agree. 

The route just doesn’t really show us a good romance or a good MC which is unfair considering how good her character is in other routes. 

So, really, Napoleon’s route just had too much going on at once and couldn’t really manage to do it all at once. It was dealing with so many different plot points that it couldn’t really flesh it out well. I love his character, but I just wasn’t a fan of his route. 

As for Leonardo’s route...oof. I love Leo, he’s one of my favorites, but his route fell all kinds of flat. 

For one...why do we care that he is a Pureblood? Sure, he’s eternal and will outlive MC and mourn her forever in comparison to the others, but this isn’t a major thing in his route. MC finds out he’s a pureblood pretty late in the route and its just smoothed over. We aren’t given much of a reason to care for it and it’s not something really pressed on us. 

Quite frankly, the game tried to make it this BIG SHOCKING reveal...but it wasn’t? It didn’t really affect the story much, didn’t drive a wedge between them, and it wasn’t all that surprising. I could guess Leonardo was a pureblood when I first started reading the route because of how pressured he is too marry (the game never specifies it but it’s obvious he meant he was pressured by family because who else would care so much about him marrying?) so we can guess he’s still prominent enough in society which corresponds to him still having ties to people like family, he is great friends with Comte and I could guess they knew each other for much longer than the others plus there wasn’t much of the dynamic we see in the other residents in terms of Sire / Sired, and it’s revealed in other routes pretty early on. Sure, the others don’t know he’s a Pureblood either in his route (except for Will) but it’s not a secret in other routes besides his. If Cyikemen wanted it to be this big shocking secret...it didn’t work?

Now, what the game did do pretty well was dealing with the fact that Leo was closed off before MC because he was tired of losing people. We could sense his heartache and how lonely he was, it was a good idea to also add in the watchmaker’s death to highlight this and have MC realize Leo was crying internally that day too, and I’ve spoken about how Lumiere was also a nice touch, so I will give credit there. They did a good job in that sense, but it wasn’t perfect. I feel like the event story where MC reads his letters may have pulled that one off better than his route, but that is not to say the route did a bad job. 

The arch with his villain was also okay. I feel like it wasn’t as good as Isaac’s arch or Vincent’s, but it wasn’t bad. Not much to say here either.

The plot point I really have a problem with is the fact that the love story between them is just so...unrealistic? When you have a character so closed off from people, it’s not a good idea to show them falling in love with MC that fast. I mean, Leonardo specifies MC is the first person he has ever loved and the last he will ever love...but we don’t see why?

Leonardo has never let people in, so what makes MC so different? Like Napoleon’s route, she doesn’t establish herself as a strong character here. There is nothing about her in this route that would compel a polymath, genius like Leo to fall so hard and fast for her when no other woman before has enticed him. Him falling for her and admitting it as soon as chapter 7 comes out of nowhere. MC just isn’t complimentary to his personality and we aren’t shown why he falls so fast considering we are told he has never fallen in love before. 

It’s never a good idea to show such a closed off character as falling so fast for MC. It makes the love story feel cheapened. The funny thing about this though is that Arthur’s route could have encountered this problem too, because Arthur wears a mask and has never fallen in love before, but his route didn’t have this problem. Why? Because we are shown why Arthur fell for her. 

Arthur’s MC compliments his personality in every way. They have a chemistry the moment they meet and we feel it. We get why he falls for her because he is drawn to her right away. Plus, we see why Arthur wouldn’t fall for other women before MC. All of the other women surrounding him in his route are shown as symbols of lust and one night stands, none of them really stands out as a romantic rival because they all look at Arthur and see a lustful man. No one really tries to get to know him as a man with a heart besides MC. The other women serve as a foil to MC’s character and they show us why Arthur was able to let her in but not the rest-because she was different. She saw him for who he really was and he fell for her-

Leonardo’s doesn’t do this. We don’t know why Leonardo fell for her when there would have been thousands of women before her that he would have met. Women that probably complimented his personality better and women that probably would have made better partners. Him choosing MC above them is just not something we can understand outside of the magic that is an otome. 

Finally, the power imbalance between Leo and MC is also pretty frustrating. I’ve talked about how the MC in Leonardo’s route just isn’t really confident or mature compared to him, and yikes! Forget about the fact that he is immortal and centuries older, just see him as a human for a second, there’s still a large difference between them. Leonardo essentially renders MC as a child or as someone not as emotionally mature. There’s a power imbalance there due to inexperience. 

Don’t get me wrong, age gaps aren’t bad when it comes to consenting adults, but the power imbalance here was a great example of what it should never be. MC can’t hold a candle to the experience Leo has and Leo keeps seeing her as this innocent thing he has to protect. And you know what makes it worse? The game knows this. 

Too many event stories / side stories operate under the story line that MC feels intimidated or inexperienced with sex and seduction compared to Leonardo. She never feels confident compared to him and has to make him see her as an equal partner because he often tends to make her seem more childish than she is. It’s a world of yikes and the fact that the game knows this yet continues to push the narrative between them is an even bigger yikes. Arthur’s route avoided this by making his MC as confident and experienced as him, but Leo’s really didn’t care to fix it. 

His route just isn’t that well written. The fake relationship plot is a nice plot to have, but it’s pretty wasted here. The other residents don’t really buy them dating, why would they date after 1 day after all?, and it’s not really played off nicely. Plus, the love story is just so unrealistic and yikes that it just fell flat. 

I love Leo as a character but his route just wasn’t it. 

---

I was just not a fan of either route to be honest. Thankfully, the other routes are better.

[kingofthewilderwest]

Do you think Mabel gets too much hate? I noticed when a female character acts selfish she gets hated on but when a male character does the same it’s praised

We’re free to love or hate any character with or without reason. That said, I feel sad seeing Mabel hate and agree Mabel receives too much hate. I feel like the rhetoric claiming she’s unforgivably selfish is skewed. I think people have decent criticisms regarding Mabel’s character and how she’s presented. However, I don’t think they sufficiently describe the full picture.

Anecdotally, I don’t think this is a case of sweeping sexism because Ford also receives more criticism than I think warranted. My perspective on how much hate each character proportionately receives could be incomplete, though.

But anyway. Let’s talk Mabel.

First though: please don’t try to debate this with me. If you don’t like my opinion, no worries. That’s chill. I’m just not interested in using my recreation time debating this. Thanks! :) However, if you want further clarifications, analyses, case studies, etc. I’m happy to talk more, because this is NOWHERE close to exhausting my thoughts on this topic.

Mabel’s Selfishness: The General Critique

I think everyday anti-Mabel criticism tends to use points like:

When other characters act selfishly, they’re called out and the narrative punishes them. But when Mabel wants something, she gets it, and it’s a reward (The Deep End, The Time Traveler’s Pig, Escape from Reality).

Mabel never learns how to give up something important and deal with that loss. Even when she lets something go, it’s not something that would have been good in her life. For instance, her failed puppet performance is “dodging a bullet” rather than losing something meaningful, since Gabe’s just a puppet kisser. In the end, she doesn’t have to live with sacrifice (Boyz Crazy, Sock Opera).

Mabel even selfishly causes the apocalypse by giving Bill the rift. She’s never held responsible for that (Dipper and Mabel vs the Future).

The narrative reinforces that Mabel is a good person even when she’s not (The Last Mabelcorn).

People particularly look at Mabel in S2 over S1; many claim that’s when her character began to feel selfish and insufferable. 

This isn’t everything, but I have tried to characterize the rhetoric fairly based upon what I’ve seen.

I find these discussion points understandable. Mabel can be self-focused and sometimes ignores others’ feelings. Alex Hirsch admitted in DVD commentaries that he focused on Dipper learning lessons because he put himself in Dipper’s shoes. And some of Alex’s writing intentions could’ve been clearer, like instances where the twins resolve conflicting desires. We could talk about how the show could be improved or the character is legitimately not-selfless.

At the same time, I think how fandom uses these talking points isn’t 100% fair to Mabel’s character or the show’s full narrative. 

I want to point out that Mabel hate for her selfishness covers two fronts: one claim that Mabel is selfish, and another claim that the surrounding plot doesn’t handle her selfishness satisfactorily. I think there’s fair constructive criticism when it comes to narrative framing (even if I disagree), but I don’t think the same dialogue is good rationale against Mabel’s personality. At times I see the two concepts conflated. The narrative may annoy you if you think selfishness isn’t addressed in plot, and contribute to you disliking the character, but claiming “Mabel is selfish” because of that is flawed logic. 

In this analysis, I’ll cover both fronts. I’ll tackle the four points I mentioned above and explain why I find them too harsh. I’m not going to cover all my thoughts (yes, my original draft was longer!!), but I will argue:

Mabel reverses her selfishness - and that’s the big choice sealing the climax of multiple episodes. She doesn’t get off “consequence free” either (Boyz Crazy, Sock Opera)

Mabel sacrifices for others. The narrative does show that Dipper and Mabel meet in the middle, not that Dipper feels guilty enough to ameliorate his sister’s wishes (Sock Opera, Escape from Reality)

Mabel giving the rift to “Blendin” mirrors Dipper offering a puppet to Bill. Both twins are emotionally compromised and believe they’re making a harmless deal with an inconsequential item. Neither would’ve made these choices in calmer circumstances. Sock Opera doesn’t have Dipper deal with his culpability; relax up on Mabel (Sock Opera, Dipper and Mabel vs the Future)

Mabel’s selfishness is addressed, handled, and resolved. The moral of The Last Mabelcorn isn’t defending Mabel’s goodness; it’s Mabel embracing imperfection. Mabel learns she’s a bad person and changes her perspective of herself multiple times in canon (The Last Mabelcorn, Lost Legends)

I could also have talked about how selfishness isn’t required to be resolved in her character arc, all the times Mabel does nice things for others, how she doesn’t always obnoxiously hog the spotlight, and other things, but I want to cap the length of this essay.

So let’s begin.

Can Mabel learn from selfishness if she’s consequence-free and never handles meaningful loss?

Anti-Mabel Argument: Circumstances don’t adversely affect Mabel. This means she never has to sacrifice for her brother like Dipper does for her. For instance, in Sock Opera, Mabel sees that Gabe is a weirdo over-obsessed with puppets. Her failed puppet performance was “dodging a bullet” rather than losing something meaningful, so she doesn’t learn true self-sacrificial love. Mabel never learns how to give something important up and deal without it. So, she never changes.

Boyz Crazy not only is an episode where the climax is Mabel learning to act against her selfish desires, but it’s got an explicit apology in dialogue. “I’m sorry I went bonkers,” she tells Candy and Grenda. “A catchy song made me realize that you were right. Can you ever forgive me?”

While Mabel has to learn this lesson again in later episodes, it’s to note: most GF characters are fairly static, and Dipper also has to learn multiple times not to hit on Wendy. Character progress doesn’t happen all at once. And in the next episode I’ll talk about, not only does Mabel confront her selfishness, but it’s the last time she lets her boy chasing impact Dipper. It ends after this.

I’m talking Sock Opera.

Mabel’s sacrifice in Sock Opera is big. She doesn’t get off “consequence free.” She decides to sabotage her performance before knowing Gabe’s a weirdo. Mabel is fully willing to lose her most viable romance option… for Dipper. She realizes her brother would be willing to give something up for her, and she’s going to reciprocate by giving up something big for him. 

Mabel might’ve dodged the bullet of dating Gabe, but she still gives up something big and will feel it. Sure, she makes the puppet show to impress Gabe. But she’s also entertaining a full audience. She can feel the people booing her, see them storming out and leaving. Mabel is someone who wants everyone happy, so much that seeing everyone happy except Robbie puts her in Crisis Mode. I don’t know about you, but just because I saw some guy kissing puppets, I wouldn’t think, “Yay! I had a happy outcome to this play ordeal!”

Mabel VERY much says, in the dialogue, that her brother would give up something big for her. And that’s what her Big Choice comes down to. Every episode climax in Gravity Falls comes down to The Big Choice. Here, Mabel’s Big Choice… is to sacrificially watch her hard work burst into literal flames.

Mabel apologizes to her brother, “I’m sorry, Dipper. I spent all week obsessing over a dumb guy. But the dumb guy I should have cared about was you.”

In following episodes, Mabel does put Dipper in mind. She gets momentarily distracted by crushes in The Love God, but that’s in a quest to solve her own mistake - a mistake that came from trying to make everyone, from Robbie to Thompson to Dipper, happy. She wants to include Dipper, from the Ducktective finale to her birthday party planning mission. And if you’re focusing on how she teases Dipper, why aren’t you also targeting Stan, who makes the same action without change?

Mabel Hate rhetoric focuses on how Bill was “right” in Sock Opera and she still acts selfishly in the same patterns after that episode. But, the climax is Mabel resisting Bill and demonstrating self-sacrifice, and that arguably does influence her character afterwards. It’s one step in an incomplete process. She might not be ready to handle Dipper separating off with Ford, but that’s because her arc still isn’t completed.

We do see Mabel dealing with meaningful loss like the collapse of her puppet show. She does show sacrificial love for her brother. And, as I’ll talk about more, she continues to grapple with and grow in selflessness through later decisions like Escape Through Reality.

Does Mabel ever realize she’s a bad person?

Anti-Mabel Argument: Narrative reinforces Mabel is a good person even when she’s not. Alex Hirsch wrote with rose-tinted bias because Mabel represents Alex’s twin sister. The Last Mabelcorn showcases that. Instead of Mabel learning she’s a bad person who can’t receive a unicorn’s blessing… the unicorn’s criticisms against Mabel get nullified – the creature’s lying about Mabel’s impure heart. Mabel got affirmed for who she was rather than dealing with her imperfection.

First off: if you haven’t watched the DVD commentary for The Last Mabelcorn, you should. It’s a wild story how this episode got made. Alex Hirsch trashed the script of an entire episode 48 hours before it was due. He crunched to write a new episode - by himself - from scratch. So yeah. A few lines of final dialogue could’ve been tweaked to improve the message, but the fact he wrote as successful an episode as he did in that short of time is incredible. And the message of The Last Mabelcorn is there:

Mabel learns she’s an *IMPERFECT* person. She embraces being imperfect instead of groveling for impossible perfection and meaningless approval.

Maybe that’s not the “Mabel learns selflessness!” episode you wanted, but this is a fascinating lesson, and one I don’t see touted tons in media. I love it.

Mabel spends the episode attempting to be pure of heart through kind deeds. Wendy tells Mabel they should solve their problem the dirty way. Mabel keeps refusing until the unicorns anger her. This is the moment of triumph: she punches a unicorn. Mabel forsakes the route of “pure” good deeds to do what she first considered dirty. That’s the hero moment, dudes! 

Mabel says the unicorns are “worse” than her, not that she’s good and they’re bad. Mabel comes out of the adventure declaring, “Today I learned morality is relative.” That’s because the episode’s climactic Big Choice isn’t about Mabel accepting she’s a “pure” person; it’s about Mabel accepting she can make “impure” choices.

Ford is the person at the end who tries to tell Mabel she’s good. But Mabel contradicts what he says with that “morality is relative” quote. What she takes away is that she’s imperfect, she can make non-sparkly-decisions, and that’s okay. She’s become more aware of herself and her flaws, but also accepts she can make choices others might shake their heads at. 

So. Ford and Wendy might’ve called Mabel “a good person” in key parts of the episode, which is why I say Alex (not in a time crunch) could’ve considered tweaking lines to make the point clearer. But I don’t think the episode depicts Mabel as a selfish jerk who never learns her flaws.

And frankly? If I had to choose between a standard “you’re not perfect” episode and this? I’d MUCH rather have this, where characters learn lessons, but we also get the show’s humorous, slightly subversive, slightly truthful “anti-morality.” That’s a Gravity Falls thing, after all. (For other anti-morality examples: Stan saying Summerween is about celebrating “pure evil,” Mabel deciding it’s good to lie so Stan doesn’t get arrested, Mabel deciding being an asshole to employees is productive, etc.)

So yes, Mabel realizes she’s a bad person, even if it’s not in the way you expected. And that’s still not the end of her character arc. 

Does Mabel ever sacrifice for others Dipper?

Argument: Mabel only agrees to leave her bubble after Dipper promises to drop Ford’s apprenticeship. This apprenticeship would have been huge for Dipper. But all Mabel “sacrifices” is leaving a fake world she’s hiding in, goofing around instead of helping people in literal Armageddon. 

Much of Mabel and Dipper’s relationship is about how they’re opposites. We repeatedly see the best place for both of them is the middle. Alex Hirsch talks about this tons. Whether it’s perfectly implemented is a debate for another day. I do think these concepts can be seen even in episodes like Escape From Reality where there’s been criticism of narrative execution.

I’ve seen people say Mabel “gets her way” because Dipper turns down Ford’s apprenticeship when he sees it makes her sad. Hirsch has said in commentaries Dipper was making a mistake wanting the apprenticeship. Mabel wants to avoid growing up while Dipper wants to grow up too fast.

We don’t have to take Hirsch’s word-of-god for it: the story does show that Dipper was erring with the apprenticeship. Ford intends well, but his bias against siblinghood means he’s polluting Dipper’s values. He suggests that Dipper staying with Mabel is “suffocating.” He suggests that Dipper is “greater” and should be doing something with it. “Dipper, can you honestly tell me you never felt like you were meant for something more?” And later: “Listen to me, Dipper: this town is a magnet for things that are special. And that includes you and me. It brought both of us here for a purpose! Stay here with me, Dipper. Become my apprentice. Don’t let anyone hold you [back].”

When Mabel and Dipper make resolutions in Mabel Land, Dipper says he’ll drop the apprenticeship. This emotionally touches Mabel. But being emotionally touched doesn’t mean that’s WHY she makes amends with her brother. Instead, Mabel reassures him that he can take the apprenticeship if he wants. She leaves the choice up to him and is willing to let him live in another state during their teen years. She finds his needs and desires important.

And honestly? It’s Dipper himself who realizes the apprenticeship is bogus; it’s not because Mabel is forcing her brother to change. “Mabel, I thought you were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford’s apprentice. Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a lab coat? How ridiculous is that?” He sheds the idea because he realizes it’s a bad one, not because he’s ameliorating someone too selfish to accept her brother leaving her.

It’s also to note Mabel Land tempts everyone. Calling only Mabel selfish when everyone else gets pulled in… seems incorrect. Bill considers it a diabolical, inescapable prison. People like Soos, Wendy, and Dipper who know it’s a prison get drawn to Mabel Land’s temptations. Heck, Dipper gets tempted with an old vice. He might have grown more mature, but that doesn’t mean he can’t trip occasionally (we can apply the same understanding to Mabel and “selfishness,” by the way - someone can both grow and keep tripping). Mabel, meanwhile, wants to use the bubble to help and comfort her visiting friends (which is, for the record, not selfish) and thinks reality should be avoided because both her and Dipper’s lives have been adversely affected. Dipper’s pain is important, too. Mabel has been in this prison longer than Soos, Wendy, and Dipper, and the prison was designed for her - ergo she’s going to be more manipulated by it. Lots of her actions are avoidance tactics because she’s scared of growing up, yes. The court trial is a lot, yes. But we should bear in mind that this is a child scared of growing up and feeling the burn of conflict with her brother. Emotional and psychological context is important. We all get vulnerable. Do our lowest lows define our entire personality?

When Dipper and Mabel make their compromise, both reject temptations. Dipper rejects a bad apprenticeship; Mabel rejects a bad reality. They offer each other solutions where they don’t get what they originally want. They meet in the middle, and this is the best way for both to move forward in the aging process. They’re both satisfied and confident with their choice. It’s not Dipper giving up everything for Mabel, ameliorating her because she’s sad. It’s about the twins learning they can make it through life together, through thick and thin.

Potentially muddled thematic framing does not erase the resolution the twins make. It does not erase that Mabel’s depicted as someone willing to give up major things for her brother.

Okay. But that rift thing. How can you excuse the APOCALYPSE??? JUST TO HAVE MORE SUMMER!?!

The point is that Mabel is emotionally compromised and outmanipulated.

She’s a terrified twelve year old going through a Very Rough Day. She’s terrified about the future, she’s learned bad news after bad news, and she’s afraid her life as she knows it will be wrenched apart. It feels like everything she loves - from her best friends to her brother - will be distanced from her. 

Would you have handled this well as a kid? Adults have issues with this, too.

When she meets “Blendin,” she’s told that trading one inconsequential item will save her future. It’s self-focused, but it’s important to understand: she wouldn’t have made this choice in calmer emotional states.

Compare this to Dipper making a deal with Bill in Sock Opera. The twins literally make the same mistake for the same reasons, duped by the same villain.

Dipper: Decides to give Bill one of Mabel’s belongings, a puppet, without her knowledge. Mabel: Decides to give Bill one of Dipper’s backpack items without his knowledge. 

Dipper: Irritated with Mabel because she isn’t helping unlock the laptop.Mabel: Frustrated with Dipper because it feels like he’s abandoning her to be “special” with Ford. 

Dipper: This is an inconsequential bargain. Bill is just unlocking the laptop. He’s just taking a sock puppet - Mabel has plenty of those.Mabel: Nothing bad will happen. Just a few more weeks of summer. And she’s giving an item Ford allegedly won’t notice is missing.

Dipper: The laptop counter is ticking. Only a matter of minutes before the data gets erased.Mabel: Summer is ending in a week. Separation from Dipper is imminent. 

Dipper: Not thinking clearly due to sleep deprivation.Mabel: Not thinking clearly, emotionally compromised from a walloping bad day.

Hirsch and company have confirmed that only this combination of factors convinced Dipper to make a deal with a demon. Mabel wouldn’t have shook “Blendin’s” hand in less severe circumstances. It’s ironic that, in Sock Opera and Dipper and Mabel vs the Future, rhetoric attacks Mabel in both episodes.

So yes, Mabel gave Bill the rift. But yes, Dipper jeopardized the town’s safety by letting Bill into his body.

I know that, at this point, people might argue there’s a narrative difference. Dipper learned from his mistake but Mabel didn’t. However, I disagree. There wasn’t dialogue in Sock Opera where Dipper explicitly confronts his transgression and works it out with Mabel on screen. Same thing with Mabel and the rift. I know fans wanted it addressed that Mabel started the apocalypse… and frankly I would’ve enjoyed that too… but it doesn’t make Mabel’s writing as a character suddenly, “OH NO SELFISH SELFISH! AND THE NARRATIVE IS LETTING HER GET AWAY WITH BEING SELFISH!”

It’s no different than how writing handles Dipper in Sock Opera. And again, give a terrified kid a break instead of calling a large emotional low “irrevocably selfish.”

By the time Take Back the Falls comes around, Mabel encourages everyone to work together to fight Bill. Mabel risks her life to save the town and her family. Mabel works together with Dipper and puts the people she loves first.

Lost Legends: Fixing remaining narrative holes

After S2 ended, Mabel’s selfishness is head on tackled. That’s the ENTIRE point of Don’t Dimension It in Lost Legends. I suspect Alex Hirsch read Mabel criticism and intentionally reacted through Lost Legends. In this story, Mabel acts out of self-focused energy and doesn’t realize her actions have negative consequences to others. It puts the Pines family in an interdimensional conundrum. Once Mabel runs into other Mabels from other dimensions, she comes to terms that she’s self-absorbed and needs to be attuned to how others feel. Mabel realizes she put everyone in this mess. She apologizes to her family and resolves to be better.

It’s great.

I’ve still seen people criticize it. And that’s where I think Mabel hate rhetoric definitely goes too far. I suspect there’s bias in how people responded to that comic. By the time Lost Legends came out, criticisms for selfish Mabel were rampant and people were set in their perspectives, so seeing a character arc about Mabel’s selfishness got unfairly nitpicky responses. 

I’ve seen people say things like, “Well, she only learns when she interacts with herself, not with others!” But that’s a cool way of presenting story! Mabel sees herself in a literal mirror and takes away truth. Sometimes we don’t see our flaws until it’s right in our faces. This is Mabel’s in-the-face moment. The “I’m selfish” revelation doesn’t have to be with Dipper to be relevant toward how she treats Dipper. She takes away the full lesson she’s self-absorbed and needs to fix that. She immediately makes sure to talk to Dipper about becoming a better person. She owns responsibility toward how she’s treated her brother - and mentions the entire summer as the scope of her fault.

“I’m sorry for being selfish this summer,” the comic ends. “I guess it took me dealing with myself to realize what you put up with. It’s time for us to start some new adventures! And this time I won’t always hog the spotlight.”

There are other criticisms about Lost Legends, which I feel boil down to “I don’t know, still doesn’t satisfy me, not enough.” It makes me wonder what would get people satisfied. Does every possible angle of how someone could learn selfishness have to be covered thoroughly? No franchise can cover that scope. Isn’t there still lots of takeaway with Mabel? Don’t Dimension It alone is an episode’s worth of material, the same amount of content which most fans deemed enough to wrap up Dipper getting over Wendy, Pacifica being a brat, and Gideon being creepy on Mabel.

Mabel’s selfishness gets addressed, multiple times, and gets a final-final resolution in the comics.

Final Thoughts

I think it’s an interesting point you make, anon friend, that male characters get praised while women get condemned. I haven’t talked about gender aspects or other selfishly-acting male characters like Stanley (whose selfishness people perceive as lovable). I said earlier I don’t think it’s rampant fandom sexism, but there still could be a point there. Maybe you’re right it’s a factor. It wouldn’t be the first time gender perception’s done that.

I think there’s also point to be made that Dipper is the protagonist. Mabel’s a deuteragonist. It’s more common to write life lessons for the protagonist. That’s fine. Dipper learning more lessons than Mabel and Dipper giving up a little more than Mabel is a result of being a protagonist, not narrative excusing Mabel for her flaws or letting her waltz around scott free.

So yeah. I think Mabel’s gotten too much criticism for that flaw. Constructive criticism is almost always interesting in fandom dialogue, but rampant hate movements make me sad. Talking about how narrative structure could’ve been improved I find cool; pinning it on the character’s humanity bothers me. I think lots of the dialogue turns into criticizing Mabel unfairly as a person, and given as other GF characters have glaring flaws, it feels imbalanced and uncomfortable that SHE gets disproportionate attacks. 

This is Mabel we’re talking about. Mabel Pines, who’s SO selfish she tries to rescue Mermando when that means she’ll never see him again. Mabel Pines, who’s SO selfish she knits everyone sweaters during the Apocalypse. Mabel Pines, who’s SO selfish she calls out Dipper when he’s leading on Candy. Mabel Pines, who risks her life in multiple daring moves to save the town, parachuting through the sky into the demon’s lair… acting as a decoy to distract Bill Cipher… and more. Mabel Pines, who spends an entire episode trying to make everyone happy, down to Robbie, whom everyone else didn’t care enough about (but Mabel did!!!). Mabel Pines, who encourages Soos to date women and find a romantic connection he’s satisfied with. Mabel Pines, who fights in Globnar and risks her life, just so Soos can have a happy birthday and forget about his dad. Mabel Pines, who decides it’s better to be friends with her enemy Pacifica than fight petty battles. Mabel Pines, whose love for her brother helps even the thirty year rift between Stan and Ford mend. Mabel, who couldn’t give up on Stan and found a way to restore his memories when all others thought it lost. Mabel. Fucking. Pines!

[razieltwelve]

The Babysitter (RWBY AU Snippet)

“I’m amazed that you’re okay with this.” Death shifted slightly as the toddler in her arms tried to poke her in the eye. It wouldn’t have done any damage to her, but the toddler would definitely have injured her finger thanks to her divine durability. “Most people wouldn’t be comfortable having Death babysit their children.”

“Most people aren’t an alternate universe version of Death,” Ruby replied. “Besides, it was either you or Crescent Rose.”

“Ah.” Death nodded sagely. “I can see why you asked me to do it then.”

“Look,” Ruby said. “I love my dragon. Don’t get me wrong. Crescent Rose is fantastic. I would totally die for her, and she would totally die for me. In fact, that’s how you and I met, isn’t it? But let’s be honest. She’s not exactly mature. If I left her to watch Luna, I’d come back to find the house on fire with Crescent Rose and Luna cackling about how quickly it’s burning.”

Outside, the red dragon snickered. She wasn’t offended. If anything, she thought Ruby was understating how bad a babysitter she would make. It was better to leave the babysitting to Gambol Shroud or Ember Celica. The shadow dragon was incredibly lazy, but she had a knack for keeping kids amused and out of trouble while the solar dragon was just fantastic with kids.

“True.” Death smiled as Luna began to rummage through her pockets for a cookie. The girl looked so much like Weiss except for the silver eyes she’d inherited from Ruby. “But you’re not the least bit worried about her being around me?”

“Is she going to die if I leave her with you?” Ruby asked bluntly. “Because you’d know, right?”

“I would.” Death grinned. “And you can rest assured that she is completely safe with me. Her time will not be for many years yet... but that’s assuming she acts sensibly. If she starts throwing herself off cliffs and in front of rampaging dragons, well, I’ll be showing up for her sooner rather than later.”

“I’ll tell her that once she’s old enough to understand.” Ruby tilted her head to one side. “Out of interest, don’t you normally have a dog with you?”

“You mean Zwei?” Luna giggled in delight as she mysteriously found a cookie in one of Death’s pockets. Ah, the wonders of nigh-limitless divine might. “He’s currently enjoying Zwei Day on one of the worlds he helped save.”

“Zwei Day?” Ruby raised one eyebrow. “Do I want to know?”

“He may have slaughtered an invading army of demons by barking at them, so every year they like to throw a celebration in his honour. It’s the hundredth one this year, so he decided to actually show up. He’ll let them spoil him rotten for a few days before he heads home. In the meantime, Drei will be helping me.”

At the mention of his name, an adorable three-headed corgi appeared.

“Okay...” Ruby leaned forward as Drei nudged her leg and then began to chew on her shoe. “I kind of expected something more menacing.”

“Oh, Drei can get way scarier. In fact, other than me, he’s probably the most powerful thing in this world at the moment. However, he’s still very young, so he usually doesn’t transform unless he has to since he kind of, well, breaks everything.” Death moved forward to poke Drei with her foot. “Come on, Drei, no chewing on Ruby’s shoe.”

The three-headed corgi huffed and then trotted over to the couch before jumping onto it and moving around a bit before finally settling. 

“That’s his spot now,” Death explained. “Whenever he shows up, you can expect him to sit there.”

“Is he going to show up a lot?” Ruby asked. Weiss was still getting ready for their night out. If she knew the other woman, it was probably Myrtenaster’s fault. Weiss was already very picky about how she dressed, and consulting with the frost dragon typically made it worse since they were both perfectionists. It was one of the reason Ruby loved Crescent Rose. Her dragon’s approach to fashion was simple: anything that stopped Ruby from dying from exposure was okay since human skin sucked compared to dragon scales.

“He’ll be in and out,” Death replied. “There are a lot of little anomalies in this world, so it might be good to have a Divine Beast poking around in case there’s anything untoward going on. If there’s anything he can’t handle, he’ll tell Zwei. And, really, if there’s anything that Zwei can’t handle here, you’re in real trouble... but don’t worry because I can handle it.”

“And if you can’t handle it?”

“Ruby, I’m Death. If there’s a problem I can’t handle, then all of Creation is probably screwed.”

“Good point.” Ruby turned as she heard Weiss emerge from their room. “You look awesome, Weiss!”

The other woman did indeed look awesome. Like most dragon riders, she usually favoured practical clothing - flying in a skirt was a rookie mistake - but there was still a vast difference between combat clothing and the sort of clothing designed for aesthetic purposes. Weiss’s form-hugging trousers, finely-fitted blouse, and shimmering, dragon-scale mantle were all designed to catch and hold the eye. The mantle in particular was striking. It had been woven from scales Myrtenaster had shed, which meant it was the same colour as polar ice, a white so intense it made the blue of Weiss’s eyes look like cerulean flame. Ruby had grown up hearing legends about the snow maidens that haunted the high peaks were only dragons dared to go. They were supposed to ensorcel climbers and travellers with their beauty.

Weiss was her snow maiden, and Ruby was most definitely ensorcelled.

“Are you two done chatting?” Weiss said. “We’re going to be late.”

“I recall Ruby being ready almost half an hour ago,” Death replied with a grin, ignoring the crumbs that Luna was leaving on her cloak as she munched on her cookie. 

“I didn’t want to interrupt your conversation,” Weiss replied archly.

“I’m sure that was it,” Ruby said. She took Weiss’s hand. “Shall we, milady?”

Weiss rolled her eyes. “Oh, good grief.” She sketched a curtsy. “Very well, Your Highness.”

“Technically, you’re the princess,” Ruby pointed out. “Whereas I am but a mere commoner.”

Weiss snorted inelegantly. “Ruby, you’re a dragon rider. You’re nobility by default. And let’s not forget the whole war hero, living legend, and Slayer of Fell Beasts thing that you’ve got going on.”

“To be fair, Crescent Rose did most of the slaying. I was mostly along for the rider for that one.”

“Ruby you jumped off your dragon and stabbed a demonic beast the size of a whale in the eye while Crescent Rose was grappling with it in mid-air. It’s a miracle you didn’t fall to your death, and you more than did your part.”

“Yeah... I guess I am pretty awesome.” Ruby nodded at Death. “We should be back before midnight. If not...”

“Then I will assume you two have found a nice, quiet spot to enjoy each other.” Death chuckled. “Fear not, your child is safe with me.”

X    X     X

Death bit back a grin at the horrified face Luna made as she ate her vegetables. The toddler was acting like she was being fed poison as she cringed and slowly but surely finished her meal. 

“You know,” Death said. “I asked the other gods if we could change Creation so cookies were healthy, but I got outvoted.”

Luna made a disgusted sound but continued to eat her vegetables.

“But since you’ve done such a good job of eating your vegetables, I’ll have a surprise ready for you when you’re done with the rest of them.”

X    X     X

Luna’s eyes widened as she took in the giant cookies floating around in the sky.

“Behold,” Death said. “The cookie dimension... which only two worlds over from the mango puree dimension.” She pulled Luna closer to whisper into her ear. “Just don’t tell your mommy about this place. Otherwise, she’ll never stop bugging me until I take her here.” She pointed. “We can start with that one. It’s chocolate chip.”

X    X     X

Author’s Notes

Are you worried about the safety of your children? Why not have an alternate universe version of yourself with essentially limitless power watch them for you? Sure, you’ll have to put up with the occasional Divine Beast sleeping on your couch, but you couldn’t ask for a safer, more reliable babysitter than Death herself. The Ruby’s in this story are DragonRider!Ruby and Death!Ruby.

If you’re interested in my thoughts on writing and other topics, you can find those here.

I also write original fiction, which you can find on Amazon here. I’ve recently released two stories, Attempted Adventuring and Surviving Quarantine, as well as three audiobooks, Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Army of Golems, Two Necromancers, a Dragon, and a Vampire, and The Hungry Dragon Cookie Company.  If you like humour, action, and adventure, be sure to check them out!

[annes-andromeda]

Ragnarök: Asgard’s Twilight

Chapter 9: The Contest Of Champions

N/: Alright please don’t judge, I’m not very good at writing fight scenes. But this was pretty fun to write nonetheless😊 Also, I listened to this song while writing this chapter cause I thought it fit Bruce/Hulk perfect IMO. I posted this like a month ago, but it didn't get any traction so I'm posting it now.

“B-Banner?!” Thor exclaimed. He couldn’t believe it. So this is where Bruce went after Sokovia. He wondered how the jet could travel through space, seeing as it wasn’t meant for that sort of travel. Perhaps one of the Grandmasters scrappers took a wrong turn and found him? Either way, Thor knew it wasn’t really the time to ask.

Hulk didn’t answer him, simply grunting at the other fighters who immediately took steps back, with Thor being the only one to stay in place. He knew what the creature was capable of. He’s seen it first hand multiple times. But these men? Well, let’s say Thor wished them the best of luck.

The Grandmasters projection clapped his hands in excitement “Isn’t he a marvel, ladies and gentlemen?” He said happily before clearing his throat, putting on his ‘authority voice’ “Alright, contestants. Kindly get in position and let’s get this show on the road”

Thor alongside the fighters walked to a bright blue starting line. The wall in front of them came down, revealing long floating structures that glowed with neon lights. They pulsed like veins and moved in different directions. With his enhanced sight, Thor could see a tunnel that also contained bright lights.

“Now listen up everyone, and I do mean everyone” The Grandmaster stated “The Contest shall begin with a surf course. Each of the fighters will glide through these pathways and into the tunnel riiiight over there. Just, you know, try not to fall or anything”

He continued to explain “Once they enter the tunnels, platforms will move at high speeds, passing through some little rock formations that may or may not get in the way. I honestly haven’t tried half of these, but I do know they have rather...interesting results”

“Finally, the tunnel will end at a giant wind tunnel, where our fighters will fight real bloody to get the number one spot. So any codes or moral ambiguities you had? Yeah, just kindly throw that away. Cause we don’t want fair. We want a show! Am I right?!”

The crowd cheered in unanimous excitement. Thor looked over to Hulk, who was staring blankly at the course in front of him. On his neck, Thor could see an obedience disk. The same one he himself was wearing. Seems like the Grandmaster can’t hold down the giant on his own.

Loki tensed up, his gaze on The Vixen. He could see that she was planning something. For someone who’s supposedly seen many fights in her days, it seemed like not even she could stay away from this one.

Thor took a deep breath in, and then out. Putting all his focus on the course, he tightened his grip on his blades. Looking up, he could see the Grandmaster raise three fingers up. Thor turned to Hulk and the other fighters who were also preparing themselves.

The Arena went quiet. “Three...”

“Two...” Shuffling of feet on the soil, nothing but the breaths of anticipation being heard.

“One...”

Ding!

“BEGIN!!”

Immediately on point, all the fighters raced to the first course. Thor sprinted alongside them as the observatory ships moved next to them, catching all the action for the audience and guests to see. A projection of the Contest played in the arena, the sound of the cheering people fading as Thor continued on.

He slid on the pathways with ease. It seemed to be the same for some of the other contestants, but soon, three of them were falling off and landing on the hard ground below. Thor could only take a guess whether or not they survived.

Hulk, with his heightened abilities, was in the lead by a long shot. He was jumping and sprinting, never breaking a sweat. The fighters didn’t dare to get in his way, but Thor got closer. However, not close enough to provoke the green beast. Again, he knew what Hulk was capable of.

“Banner!” He exclaimed, running up next to Hulk “Listen to me! You can’t stay here! I need-“

But before he could finish, Hulk swatted him away with his giant fist, Thor tumbling all the way in the back. Loki looked on from above, wincing at the impact his brothers body made on the platforms.

Back below, Thor groaned in pain as he got up. Thankfully, his Asgardian physiology allowed for his body to heal much faster. His gaze moved up to the course, watching as the fighters got smaller and smaller as they got farther. Realizing he was far behind, he quickly got to feet and resumed his mission to get to the finish line.

He ran as fast as he could, sliding on the pathways quickly. His gaze, however, averted from in front of him to the corner of his eye. Whatever moved next to him, he could only see it as a blur. That was, until he actually turned his head.

“Wha-“ Thor muttered in confusion. A ship was flying above at high speeds, almost as if it was keeping up with him. The roof opened up, and three Sakaarians came out of it. Thor then saw what caught his attention.

A flying creature. A swan. With wings like shining crystals, illuminating specks of color.

Strange, Thor thought.

Was a small thought, though, as his mind returned to the Contest once realizing he had finally made it to the tunnel. He could see the contestants again, their faces of disbelief and annoyance almost humoring Thor. In front he could see Hulk still in the lead.

Sounds of grunts and punches were then heard, as the Sakaarians came into the scene and took two of the contestants out. They then took two more, but instead of fighting them, the Sakaarians took hold of them and carried them to their ship. There were now only three contestants left next to Thor and Hulk.

“Wow” The Grandmaster said from his ship “This is going a lot faster than expected”

Topaz turned to him, her face stern “Your excellency, you do know that ship belongs to the rebels? The ones that you’ve been trying to capture for half a century?”

The Grandmasters eyes then lit up “Oooh, right” he chuckled “God, I was getting so excited about the Contest that I just kinda forgot about them. Oh well, looks like I gotta take out the trash. Topaz, will you do the honors?”

His bodyguard was about to jump down into the course, but then, Loki stepped in “If I may” he began “Perhaps I could deliver them to you. You would find me a rather useful asset if given the chance”

A smile formed on the Grandmasters face, a sign of his approval “Perfect! You really are a good luck charm, aren’t you, Luke?”

Loki smirked. Oh, if only he knew. Jumping form the ship, Loki shape-shifted into a black hawk with piercing green eyes and flew into the tunnel.

Meanwhile, Thor had finally caught up with Hulk. Grabbing a weapon left by one of the gladiators, Thor used it to get Hulk’s attention, banging him on the side of the head, Hulk yelled in anger and pain as he tumbled forward, with Thor jumping in top of him to attempt to hold him down.

“Banner, please!” Thor exclaimed “You can’t stay here! The Grandmaster is using you to kill for sport!”

Hulk didn’t listen, however, grabbing Thor by the chest with his giant fist “Hulk stay!” He yelled “Thor, OUT!!”

Like a child throwing a rock, Thor was catapulted into the final course, where his body was thrown up by the air coming from the structure. On instinct, Thor grabbed one of the pillars to stop himself from hitting the ceiling or flying away into the atmosphere.

Below him, he could see Hulk trying to jump up to strike him, but was stopped by the three remaining contestants, who probably decided it was a better idea to simply band together to stop the Grandmasters champion rather than go at it alone. Thor would commend them, if not for the fact that the Hulk only got stronger as he got angrier. And well, Hulk was looking quite... pissy, right now.

He threw one of them towards the wall, which Thor winced at, and the other two were throw into the air whirlpool and outside, the two grabbing the sides of the hole to stay in the fight. For now, however, it was a face off between Thor and Hulk. He moved himself back down, trying not to get so close to Hulk.

Thor could then see the Sakaarian rebels come into view, taking out their weapons and sprinting towards Thor. But before they could get to him, green magic glowed around them and threw them out of the course back into the tunnel. Thor turned his head to see Loki fly in, blocking the other fighters attack and using his dagger to stab one of them in the shoulder.

There were now only two fighters left: Thor and Hulk. The rebels surrounded them, pointing their weapons at them and some even trying to contain Hulk.

“Ooooh, this just got exciting!” The Grandmaster could be heard saying “Topaz, pass me more of the snacks, will ya? I get the feeling this’ll be a fight where I’m sure to get my money’s worth!”

The rebels wrapped tight grappling hooks around the Hulk, with the ends of the hooks digging into his seemingly invincible skin and shocking him, working similarly to the obedience disks. Hulk roared in pain, trying to break free but being restrained.

Taking this time, Thor looked back to Loki “Thought you said you weren’t going to help directly” he stated

“I offered to stop these rebels for the Grandmaster. I told you I’d help indirectly” Loki answered his brother

The two then looked over to see the swan from before flying into the scene. It dropped down, and transformed into a person. Vixen, primarily. Thor and Loki looked on in a mix of confusion, shock, and even anger. Thor clenched both his fists and his jaw, Loki putting his hand on his chest to make an attempt to stop him “Brother, don’t. Stop-“

“ You ” Thor hissed

The Vixen put her hand in front of him “Lion, don’t. Just stay out of this. Please. We both wish for the same thing”

Loki furrowed his brows “Didn’t you say that this fight was one you would gladly skip?” He asked mockingly

Vixen was about to answer, but then heard the sound of Hulk groans and grunts. She stepped back a bit, turning back to the two brothers “This is a fight you’re not obliged to get involved in”

“No” Thor responded “But it’s a fight I intend to win” His eyes averted to Hulk, who also met his gaze. The beast clenched his teeth and roared like an animal. He flung his arms around, swinging the rebels like they weighed nothing. Thor ducked down to avoid the oncoming fighters coming straight towards him.

With brute strength, Hulk grabbed at one of the pillars, crushing it with his fists. He roared out in anger, the ceiling crumbling and cracking. Everyone braced themselves as rubble flew above them. Hulk then took the pillar he had practically ripped from the wall and used it to make a giant hole into a wall, causing more debris to fly everywhere.

In the blink of an eye and without him knowing, Hulk grabbed Thor by his ankles and slammed him into the rest of the wall, causing the Asgardian to fall into the hole. Hulk turned over to Loki, his eyes practically flaming with rage.

Putting his finger up, Loki shook he head “Don’t you dare-“

But Hulk didn’t listen. Like in New York all those years ago, he flung Loki by his legs and similar to Thor, threw him into the hole he made. The trickster landed next to his brother, wincing at the biting pain in his back “I hate it when he does that...” Thor groaned.

A predatory growl came deep from Hulk’s throat as he came down from above. Thor and Loki scrambled away quickly before they were to be squished by a giant green beast. Trying to defend himself, Thor grabbed at his swords and leaped into action. He swung the blades at Hulk, who blocked them with his own weapon, a giant mace.

Their arms shook as they stayed in place, eyes locked and adrenaline rushing “Banner, please!” Thor exclaimed. Hulk roared in his face, spit flying everywhere like an angry dog “Alright, fine! Hulk! Listen! You cannot stay here, these people are hurting you!”

“HULK STAY!!!” The beast bellowed, head butting Thor into a wall forcefully.

Above them, The Vixen watched anxiously as the battle went on. Beneath her mask, her eyes narrowed as she stared at both brothers interchangeably. She took a good look at their faces, and her breath hitched. Vixen clanged her bracelets together, causing them to release out small spikes.

With a giant leap, The Vixen jumped into action, spinning and hitting the Hulk in the back of his neck. It didn’t damage him, but it distracted him. She looked at Thor, who seemed to be confused, but before he could speak, he saw Hulk charging towards him.

A fire burned in Thor’s chest. He clenched his fists and his eyes narrowed, as Hulk jumped up and raised his mace. Time seemed to slow down when sparks began to fly from the tips of Thor’s fingers, flashing and growing as his anger boiled. Without thought, the sparks transformed into a strong bolt in Thor’s hand, his teeth clenching.

“ENOUGH!! ” He roared, taking the bolt and smashing it into Hulks face, causing him to fall back and his helmet breaking in two. Thor took his own helmet and threw it on the floor. His head felt like it was going to burst, blood rushing, heart pumping.

The stadium had grown quiet in dismay and shock. Above them, the Grandmaster was rendered speechless, his guests holding into their glasses, and covering their mouths, looking at one other with wide eyes. The Vixen stepped back a little, watching as Thor’s eyes glowed with a mixture of white and blue.

His arms sparked with lighting, the sheer power causing the floor to crack around him. Thor stared down Hulk, who was recovering from the blow. With his eyes flaming, the beast could only look on as Thor walked towards him like a predator to his prey.

Thor’s eyes moved to his brother. Loki’s mouth was slightly agape at the sight, but there was no fear in his stance. If anything, it almost seemed like he wanted to approach him to make sure he was ok. Less fright, and more worry. And perhaps, a little fascination.

With that, Thor calmed down a little, his eyes returning to their normal hue and the sparks dying down. In a low voice, Thor carefully advanced towards his friend “Banner...” He said softly “Hulk, please. I’m speaking to both of you. It’s not safe here. My people...they are in danger. My home needs me”

He extended his hand to the green giant “I’ll help you escape, just please don’t fight me. I don’t want to hurt you, I swear. I’m your friend, remember?”

Thor could see Hulk begin to settle as his eyes grew gentle. His hand came up slowly to be inches away from Thor’s. The Asgardian smiled fondly “That’s it. Shhh...” Thor’s hand came down to Hulks palm gently “It’s alright. Calm yourself, my friend, I’m right here”

In Hulks eyes, Thor could see that there was desperation, even a taint of fear. Pleading, even. Hulks breath was labored and heavy as he looked at his friend. The drive to fight was practically absent at this point. Thor knew that Hulk didn’t wish to cause him any harm, no matter how angry he was.

Hulks eyes then moved away from Thor, looking to his side. Thor turned his head and could’ve sworn that he was hallucinating.

“Nice work, big guy. We don't know where Ultron's headed, but you're going very high, very fast. So, I need you to turn this bird around, okay? We can't track you in stealth mode...”

Natasha spoke in a calm voice, which Thor could see Hulk react to in an way he’d never seen before. He put his hand out, almost to touch the piece of hair falling on Nats face and push it aside. Hulks large fingers grazed Nats cheek but to him, it felt empty. Not the same, he thought.

“...So I need you to help me out. Okay? I need you to-“

The projection then stopped. In his eyes, Hulk felt tears build, which Thor saw plain as day. He turned to Loki, whose hands were glowing green with magic until he put them down. Thor leaned towards Hulk and tried putting his hand on his shoulder “Hulk-“

A scream then erupted from the giant as the obedience disk was activated. He writhed in agony, his veins almost exploding out his body. His shrieks were loud enough to have Vixen and Loki covering their ears. Thor gaped in shock, kneeling down trying to comfort his friend “Hulk!” He keened “Bann-“

But his sentence was cut off when his own disk was turned on. Thor was on is knees holding onto his neck, clawing at it to try and remove it, but to no avail. Above him was the Grandmaster, who had a shit eating gin on his face as he looked down at the scene.

“Well, this was disappointing” He said through his teeth, his voice having clear indication of irritation, but he was hiding it with a mask “My best champion thrown into the dust and now, my favorite colleague turns out to be a little snake in the grass”

“En Dwi, please-“ Vixen began

The Grandmasters eyes lit up, and his smile was devilish “Oooh” he dragged on, turning his head to his bodyguard “Did you hear that, Topaz? Vixy here thinks we’re on a first name basis. Well that’s just...quite... idiotic of her, don’t you agree?”

Topaz nodded her head “Indeed...”

“Why don’t we throw her,” The Grandmaster pointed at Thor “and our newest addition into the Maw, huh? Add the green brute in there too. Seems like he’s forgotten who he works for”

He looked down to Loki and smiled “I can’t thank you enough Luke. I swear, those magic fingers of yours work like a charm! Could you be a dear and accompany Topaz to the Maw?”

Loki turned his head to his brother, who looked at him with furrowed brows. He crossed his arms together and summoned chains to wrap around Thors, Vixens, and Hulks wrists. Thor could see a glimmer of mischief in Loki’s eyes, almost like he secretly enjoyed making him look like the fool. And yet, the rest of his face spelled a desperate attempt to say “Don’t abhor him any longer”.

“Why of course, your excellency” Loki said with a bow “I can assure you, these turncoats will be a nuisance no longer”

“Oh wonderful! My word, you’re a real diamond in the rough!”

“I did promise my services would be of good use, did I not? I swear to you, your excellency, you’ll be getting your due reward soon enough”

[minijenn]

Random Keys/UF Crossover Ideas

Because I’m torn between both of my projects right now and I hate myself, here’s something that’ll only really appeal to the very niche audience of people who read both Universe Falls and Keys to the Kingdom. Basically its a list of somewhat spoilery (for Keys more than UF) headcanons of what it might be like if the Gravity Falls world scheduled to be in Keys was a Universe Falls world instead (in the sense that it still takes place in Gravity Falls physically but like... its set in the universe of Universe Falls (oy I’m explaining too much lemme just start rambling off the random ideas that have been popping into my head over the last several days of this hypothetical crossover of my two stupid fanfics):

For reference’s sake, on the UF end of things, this would take place somewhere around the middle of arc10ish, pretty close to Weirdmageddon as the GF world in Keys is gonna take place pretty close to Weirdmageddon too. 

For Keys, the trip to this world would still take place in the same spot the GF world does, so semi close to the end of the story, as one of the last Disney worlds of the fic (guess it wouldn’t really be a “Disney” world here but ehhhhhh) 

Guess I better give some context about what’s going on in each fic around that time; UF’s is easier to do so we’ll start with that; basically without spoiling a certain upcoming arc ender too much, during arc 10, everyone’s sorta frazzled what between all of the interdimensional travel, worries about Bill coming back and causing chaos, worries about the Diamonds possibly getting involved in stuff, shaken by the recent revelation that Rose allegedly shattered Pink Diamond and so on (basically there’s a lot going on in the leadup to UF’s ending hahaha) 

Context for Keys (again without getting too spoilery (gotta tread even more careful here) is that by this point in the story Sora is basically in nonstop Panic Mode about the whole norting thing thanks to a certain encounter with one Bald Old Fuckhead during the Aladdin world immediately before this; so Sora’s on the run from basically his entire support system cause he’s all worried about unintentionally hurting his friends (and he also just doesn’t want Riku or Kairi in particular to see what’s happening to him cause Disaster Bi). 

Cont. Context for Keys cause that last bullet point was Long: Despite all this fuckin Angst, Sora’s still out searching for the Keys on his own in the hopes of securing the final few for the guardians of light before he can be fully norted and forced into handing them over to the Organization instead 

Not to mention those freak relatively dark/light powers of his are alll outta whack cause he A. Doesn’t know how to control them At All and B. Is Emotionally Distraught so that’s only making things worse

And the entire gang is more or less out searching the worlds tryin’ to find Sora (he yeeted his Gummi Phone off a fuckin cliff or something just so nobody could get in touch with him smh what a waste of a perfectly good cell phone); among the teams that are out doing so include the one we’re gonna focus on here, Ven and Roxas  

Back to the UF end of things, I wanna talk about where each of the Mystery Kids are at this point; Steven is sorta all over the place with, again, the revelation that his mom could have been a murderer; Dipper is hella nervous about the idea of Bill getting his hands on the Rift (even moreso after RMD cause PTSD is Somethin Else kids), Mabel is in that mindset of not wanting the summer to end so they can all stay together, and Connie is basically (as usual) the only one with any brain cells as she’s trying to hold the gang together

(lowkey spoilers for the Keys GF chapters start here) So Sora arrives in Gravity Falls, suffering from all the angsts and anxieties and whatnot and just Not Having a Very Good Time Emotionally/Mentally as he starts lookin around for the Key in the woods or whatever

But lo and behold everyone’s favorite Evil Corn Chip just so happens to be spyin’ on him, and before too long Bill makes his appearance and acts all friendly to Sora, claiming that he can basically undo the whole norting thing (which he knows all about because of course he would, this is Bill Fucking Cipher we’re talking about here)

Sora’s skeptical but at the same time he’s sort of willing to do whatever he can at this point to keep his heart from being taken over by Mr. Bald Old Fuckhead and all Bill is asking for in return is for him to nab some sparkly snow globe that he claims already belongs to him but was stolen by some local family who Bill makes out to be pretty bad so hey, why not at least give it a shot? (dumb, the kid is dumb this is something we’ve established many times over by this point)

So Sora sets out to look for both the rift and the Key (while also being harangued by Xemnas who’s the Org. baddie of the GF world but errrrr i don’t have a ton of ideas about what he’s gonna do yet so we’ll just skip over that for now and focus on somethin else)

Something else being the fact that Sora happens upon a bunch of kids being attacked by a group of Nobodies, so he swoops in to save them even though the kids already look like they’re holding their own pretty well against them (two of them are out here swinging swords around, one’s really handy with that grappling hook while another one has some sort of magical shield? Its weird??? But cool imo) 

So they all team up to take the Nobodies out and following that, Sora meets and mostly hits it off with the Mystery Kids

Mabel is super hype (she kinda instantly crushes on Sora as soon as she sees him even though he’s too fuckin old for her); Steven and Sora radiate the same sort of Sweet But Sad energy so of course they’re best friends immediately 

Connie’s a lil bewildered by Sora (who the hell goes around swinging a giant key like its a sword, that’s just not practical???) but Dipper’s distrustful radar is instantly raised for a a number of reasons, but the biggest red flag he notices about Sora by far is that his eyes are yellow (btw by this point his eyes will more or less be completely yellow and his hair almost entirely white; he usually wears his hood up to try and hide that, but it got blown off during the forementioned fight) 

So the kids were out and about in the woods for mystery hunting reasons, mostly cause they were trying to cool their heads from all of the stress they’re under mentioned earlier (and cause hey, the summer’s ending soon and they gotta spend all the time they can together at this point) 

However, they quickly change gears when they learn about Sora’s quest to find some magical Key and they all eagerly decide they wanna help with that cause it sounds hella rad; Dipper would likely be the only dissenter to this plan, but he’d be lowkey about it, kinda deciding to keep a suspicious eye on Sora all the while (he doesn’t really act like he’s being possessed by Bill, but ya can never be too sure nowadays...) 

So they all set out in search of the Key (Sora decides not to tell them about Bill or the rift just yet, but even so right off the bat he’s basically decided “yes I’m adopting all four of these kids as my new little brothers and sisters and no one can stop me”)

So cut to the other end of things and we have Ven and Roxas who have basically only just met each other face to face for the first time (they’re both basically constantly doin that spiderman look alike meme); they’ve been more or less teamed up to look for Sora together tho, and they both got a massive guilt complex about the whole thing cause they used to be able to directly protect him inside his heart but now they can’t since they’re out of it so they’re determined to find him and make sure he’s OK

They also show up in Gravity Falls, arriving much closer to the Mystery Shack and the Gem Temple than Sora did; since its the closest thing nearby, the boys decide to venture over to the Mystery Shack to look first 

After some brief, confused yet fun conversation with Soos and Wendy, they bump into Stan and that initial meeting goes something like: 

Stan: Who the hell are you two supposed to be? You twins or something?

Roxas: No??? What the fuck is a twin??

Ventus, realizing that Roxas has like 0 real world experience or regard for world order at that moment right fucking there: (oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck) Ummmm YES WE ARE WE’RE TOTALLY TWINS AHAHA AREN’T WE BROTHER?

Roxas, immensely confused: What the hell is a brother??

And then Ford shows up and Roxas looks between him and Stan is just like “ooooh ok now I get what a twin is” and Ven is just like “oh my god I think Roxas managed to catch some of Sora’s stupidity after all asdkjalsdkalsd” 

Anyway after all this awkward confusion is over, Roxas and Ven bring up that they’re there looking for someone, and while neither Stan nor Ford are that invested, they do offhandedly mention maybe the Crystal Gems can help

Ironically enough, the Gems happen to burst into the shack right then and there, taking refuge from the surge of strange creatures swarming outside (Nobodies & Heartless); the Gems are rather overwhelmed by them since their weapons don’t work that great on them so they’ve come to seek Ford’s help (since he’s got all those weapons and lasers and shit he keeps stockpiled) 

In this Ven and Roxas end up meeting the Gems and both of them are just like :O (Ven’s lowkey like, “Aqua would get along great with these ladies, they’re total badasses just like her!”) and the Gems just kinda pass the boyos off like “yeah whatever there’s a fuckton of monsters outside meanwhile where are our kids?”

Stan and Ford are like *shrug* cause neither of them are very good at being Responsible when it comes to keeping an eye on these danger-prone kids and the Gems are just like *facepalm* “Morons” so they set out to find the kids and Ven and Roxas are like “well they know their way around here so why not go with them to see if we can find Sora too!” and so they all head out on a lil adventure

Then a whole bunch of stuff happens on both sides of the plot that I haven’t bothered to figure out; bunch of cute character interactions and whatever; insert possible second encounter with Xemnas in here somewhere where he basically shows up just to intimidate Sora but Sora’s like “no way jose, you touch any of these precious kiddos and you’ll Die” 

Somewhere in here, under... some circumstances, Sora and the MK make it back to the shack but like... everyone’s gone? (cause they all went out to look for them, didn’t even leave a note, fuckin rude) 

They search the house for anybody and then, on complete fuckin accident, Sora finds his way down into the basement (the portal room to be exact) and what else does he find down there but that thing Bill asked him to get (the rift)! 

Though he’s a little confused about why its there (Bill did say some awful family “stole” the rift from him, but none of the MK are awful, they a bunch of Good Kids); Sora still pockets it like a desperate dummy dumb anyway and doesn’t say a word about it to the kids because he thinks they might be too innocent and young to know anything about it anyway (he’s wrong of course because much like him these kids are Traumatized with a capital T but we’ll just ignore that for now)

Still on the search for that Key, Sora and the kids head out only to run right into Stan, Ford, and the Gems on the way out; course, Ven and Roxas are still with them and they see Sora and they’re like :D while Sora’s just like “aw fuck” and runs away from his problems like always

So he rushes off into the woods and who else would show up but that Motherfuckin Evil Corn Chip again who’s like “yo kid ya got the stuff” and Sora’s just like “brb having a panic attack rn” but then he ends up obliviously handing the rift over anyway cause again he’s incredibly desperate for any way out of his current horrible situation

Of course because I’m a sap for Drama, he happens to do so just as all four of the MK show up, having followed him into the woods and ohohohoh boy oh boy let’s just say them seeing Sora just up and giving the rift over to Bill would be a Moment (well, at least for Steven and Dipper cause they actually know what the fuckin rift is unlike Mabel and Connie who still wouldn’t at that point) 

So basically Bill is a little shit and takes the rift, but he can’t actually fuckin do anything with it cause he’s a physical object and he’s still intangible (or somethin like that idk I just don’t want Weirdmageddon to happen cause it would make things too complicated) so he’s like “fuck gotta find some stupid sap to possess so I can smash this dumb thing” and he nearly targets Sora (cause the kid was already stupid enough to help him in the first place so why not?) until Steven ends up being the one to fend him off using his shield 

Bill shrugs it off and makes off with the rift anyway (its like... hovering or something? idk I’m running out of steam) and everyone panics of course, especially Sora cause he’s just like “well shit I certainly Fucked Up didn’t i?” and the MK are both a mix of “YOU THINK?” (from Dipper and Connie mostly) and “imo not your fault Bill’s tricked just about all of us he’s an asshole” (from Steven and Mabel)

Amidst this a bunch of lil things also happen; the Stans and the Gems show up (along with Ven and Roxas), basically everyone is immensely confused (aka those who have no idea what the fucking rift is) and alarmed (those who do know what the rift is) that Bill has what he needs to more or less fuck the entire world over 

So everyone just decides to put everything aside and team up all together to track Bill down and get the rift back before he can break it (there’s a lot of heartwarming trust moments in here, mostly cause trust is like... the cornerstone theme of the GF chapters in Keys for obvious reasons) 

They eventually do find him and *insert big epic battle scene here* where everyone teams up to basically beat Bill to death or whatever (don’t ask me how they be doin that if he’s intangible, again I.... I’m tired and this post is long enough as it is) 

Yadda yadda yadda they beat him, get the rift back and effectively prevent Weirdmageddon from happening to begin with (which just does SO much wonderful fuckery for UF’s timeline moving forward but whatever, this ain’t about that) 

Oh and during that Climactic Battle Scene somewhere there’s some bit about Sora learning to better trust others/himself that leads to him getting the world’s Key? I-I I dunno its a work in progress...

Anyway after this there’s a lot of good character interactions all around, reconciliations between the UF characters and the Keys characters, particularly between Sora and the MK (again he’s adopted these kiddos and don’t you forget it)

So with the Key in hand, Sora starts to leave and Roxas and Ven almost convince him to go back with them until *insert Big Keys Spoiler here that results in the Organization getting their hands on that Key Sora just got and also results in Sora running away again cause... reasons*

And that’s the end of the chapters or whatever idk 

There’s probably more ideas I had in mind for this but I literally can’t do anymore my brain is dying 

I might possibly write this for reals someday i dunno I’m stuck in two personal hells here so I might as well combine ‘em

Yes I’m aware this post leans more heavily on Keys than UF but its set in the world of UF so fuck off 

Feel free to add on with any thoughts you might have about the idea

I’m tired

Amen