#i just have feelings and am trying very hard to articulate some of them

[icewindandboringhorror]

Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

[ms-demeanor]

You posted about adhd and I was hoping to follow up to clarify something. I’ve explained to my partner a million times about how the borderline-hoarding mess of his space is very mentally draining to me, and he understands but we’ve both essentially accepted he won’t clean his mess because he can’t because of his adhd. You’re saying he’s actually being a shit head?

This isn't necessarily an issue of him being a shithead, but it also isn't a sustainable situation. It's not good for you and there's a level of clutter that's probably not good for him either.

Large bastard is a lot more clutter-y than I am. The solution we've come to is trying to keep our messes at least isolated from one another; he can have his messes and I can have mine, but he can have those messes in his spaces, not all over the place. Sometimes those messes migrate, and that's when it's important for him to make the effort to rein them in rather than trying and failing to make a daily effort to keep our entire shared space tidy.

I think when you say "we've both essentially accepted he won't clean his mess" what I'm hearing is resignation; you're not happy about this but you don't know what to do so you've thrown up your hands and he feels helpless and unsure of what to do to improve the situation. This is the kind of "it's fine" that isn't really fine.

I think it would be worthwhile for you to each separately think about the mess and talk about it together. Are there areas that YOU *need* to have not-messy? Both for utility and your mental health? Are there areas where you can tolerate more mess than otherwise? Are there areas that are going to be harder for him to keep the mess out of than others? Are there things he doesn't *know* about cleaning up the mess?

I'm obviously a big "communication communication communication" person so I'm going to recommend a lot of talking about stuff, which is probably going to mean a lot of thinking about and interrogating stuff. I'm going to say "talk to him about why the mess bothers you" which means you also have to really articulate to yourself why the mess bothers you (for instance I'm not actually *bothered* by a messy kitchen, but I know it's going to reflect badly on us - and me specifically b/c of presumed gender roles - if someone pops by and the kitchen is a disaster, AND a messy kitchen is going to be harder to use). Genuinely, sometimes knowing *why* something is a problem might make it easier for someone with ADHD to do something. And it's not that he doesn't care that it upsets you, it's just that "Oh if I don't wash my breakfast dishes Anon won't have clear counterspace to make lunch" might be stickier in his brain (and less hard to look at emotionally) than "this thing I forget to do upsets my partner so I should do it."

For the record, I think that people with ADHD should read up on Demand Avoidance and see if it might explain some of the issues that they have in their day-to-day life; I've seen some really unfortunate situations with friends where trying to do things that their partner needed became the subject of demand avoidance. *I* have experienced negative outcomes of demand avoidance. The solution to that, however, isn't to stop making attempts to do the thing OR to simply try harder to do as they're asked/told (which reinforces the demand), it's to work on setting up a situation where the partners' needs are not interpreted as a demand. This is fuck-off difficult and requires a lot of patience and care and many attempts to succeed and will be different for each person and relationship.

(Also for the record demand avoidance isn't *super* strongly linked to ADHD and it's not a definitive symptom; like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it is something that occurs in some number of people with ADHD and can be a useful lens through which to examine various behaviors; you don't need to have DA or RSD to have ADHD, and having DA or RSD also doesn't invalidate your diagnosis; they're symptoms. For me, DA often feels like "if I don't look at it, it can't get me" - If I ignore all the messages I've got they aren't real and don't have real consequences so I'll just ignore my texts. If I don't look at the vendor email about the order, the problem with the order isn't real and it won't get added to my task list. If I don't look at the requests in my inbox I can't let people down when I don't do them. It's a self-protective coping mechanism but it's *maladaptive* and I can't just ignore the vendor email or all my texts. I need to work on a way of doing the stuff that I'm avoiding in a way that makes it less stressful and doesn't hurt the people relying on me. That takes a lot of effort, personal insight, trial and error, and )

But before I dive into specifics I want to be really really clear about one thing: sometimes people are simply incompatible. Sometimes one person has such a low tolerance for "mess" and the other person has such a high threshold for "mess" that it can't be reconciled. It sucks that this can end up being a thing that people break up over, but it is MUCH better to acknowledge incompatibility as early as possible instead of spending years and years building resentment.

There used to be a great forum called MiL's Anonymous that I spent a lot of time on. It had a lot of people in a lot of difficult situations struggling to get by and hold their relationships together. The question that was used as a litmus test to approach each situation was simple: If you knew today that everything about living with this person would be the same in five years, would you stay?

Because you can't control your partner. You can't control the future. You can only control yourself and your proximity to situations that are harmful to you. If you knew, 100%, that things wouldn't get better in five years, would you be okay with staying in this relationship? If the answer is "no," then that's that. Don't worry about questions of whether or not your boyfriend is a shithead, start the process of ending the relationship because there's a good chance the situation is going to be exactly the same in five years.

If the answer is "yes," and you'd stay in the relationship regardless of whether or not things changed, then it's time to take actions to improve your life within the context of the relationship.

(No judgement on that yes or no, btw. If you would hate living like this for another five years, and you would feel like you'd wasted your time and hadn't done the things you wanted to with your life, get out. Bail. Go. It will be better for you and better for your partner if you split instead of spending half a decade building resentments and and problems that you'll have to spend another half a decade healing from.)

Also, a note: you describe your boyfriend's mess as borderline hoarding - is the issue *mess* or is the issue *clutter*? I have friends who are very tidy, but whose homes are very cluttered. They like things, they have many things, they keep many things around, but their houses are always clean and well-dusted and orderly, just with a tremendous amount of *stuff.* I am addressing all of this as though the issue is mess, not clutter. If your boyfriend's situation is clutter (the space is busy and packed with things but it is functional and clean) and your issue isn't with *mess* (things out of place, things not having a place, things that need to be cleaned up gathering in stacks, falling behind on regular chores like laundry and dishes and taking out the trash) then you definitely need to assess whether or not you are compatible.

For instance here's a room that is messy but not cluttered compared to a room that is cluttered but not messy:

That first room is a *mess* but it would be very easy to clean up in under an hour. The second room is fairly tidy, but would take significant effort to pare down and declutter. BOTH of these can be difficult to live with but the second one is not dangerous or threatening to anyone's health. (The second one is QUITE cluttered and if every room in a house looks like this it can be overwhelming to live with; this is actually harder to deal with in a relationship than the first one in a lot of ways. I don't have a lot of advice for what to do if your partner is a high degree of tidy-but-cluttered because I don't actually think it's a problem or wrong to have thousands of books or bins full of lego or a million kitchen appliances as long as you have the space and can keep it safe and well-maintained; this is a really significant compatibility issue)

Okay, all that out of the way, here's the hard work.

Talk about this shit

Talk to your partner and define "mess." Make sure you are on the same page about what you mean when you're talking about what a messy room looks like versus what a tidy room looks like. Gather reference pictures. DRAW reference pictures.

Explain not just that the mess upsets you, but *why* and *how* it upsets you. In this context don't think of it as your boyfriend's mess, think of it as an unpleasant roommate. Discuss this using "I-statements". "When I have to pick up laundry all over the apartment, I feel like a parent more than a partner." "When there are piles of miniatures all over the table, I feel like I don't have anywhere to do things I'm interested in." "When there are dishes in the sink, I feel frustrated because I have to clean before I can feed myself."

Discuss, frankly and openly, whether he knows how to clean. I'm not trying to make excuses for him here but a lot of people with ADHD have a lot of stress and avoidance around cleaning because they spent a lot of time getting yelled at for not knowing how to clean properly.

Discuss your needs, be firm about what you require but willing to compromise. You *need* some spaces to be clean, and some spaces may be harder for him to keep clean than others. It may be MUCH harder for him to keep a bedroom tidy than it is to keep a kitchen tidy; if you need a clean and empty bedroom with everything put away and he simply cannot do that, that is a compatibility issue. But perhaps you need *your* side of the bedroom to be very orderly and can tolerate a moderate level of mess and clutter on his side. Maybe you're really really bothered by a messy kitchen, but it doesn't bug you if the dining table is covered with projects and papers. Figure out something more workable than "his mess goes everywhere and i live with it because he's incapable of cleaning" because he probably is not incapable of cleaning and you deserve to have places in your home that are comfortable for you.

Reduce friction for cleaning

Sometimes the problem isn't cleaning, the problem is the many many steps before cleaning, or not knowing where something should go when you are done cleaning. One of the absolute best things I've done for myself for cleaning my space is getting a broom holder and mounting the broom to the wall. Sweeping is now essentially thoughtless. I don't have to find the broom or pull it out from a pile of fans or go scrounging around for a dustpan it's right there on the wall, frictionless. So here are some ways to reduce the barriers to cleaning:

Make sure you and your partner both know how to use your cleaning supplies and know where those supplies are. When I switched dishwasher soap I had to re-show Large Bastard where I was storing it and how it was used, because to him what happened was the dishwasher tabs just vanished one day and he didn't know what I was putting in the machine or the process I used. He sometimes puts tools away in places that I can't see (he's more than a foot taller than me) so sometimes I can't get started on a maintenance project until he shows me where he put the battery pack for the drill.

Consider making a how-to chart to or having him make a how-to chart to keep someplace accessible so he can reference it while cleaning. Goblin.Tools Magic ToDo is great for this. Basically a lot of the time people with ADHD have trouble knowing what to do from step to step even if they've done something before, so having a step by step guide can make it easier (I have notebooks full of step-by-step guides for everything from paying for my tuition to removing licenses for my customers to weeding my yard)

Remove obstacles; don't keep cleaning chemicals in the garage in a box that's behind a stack of parts, keep them in the room you'll be cleaning. Don't keep the cleaning supplies that you use to clean the bathroom in the kitchen. Sometimes this means buying two bottles of bleach solution and two scrubbers and two sets of cleaning gloves but having fewer steps (fetch the windex, fetch the paper towels, fetch the gloves) is often the key to getting things done (open under-sink cabinet and grab windex, gloves, and paper towels that are there instead of in the kitchen).

This sort of overlaps with the next category, which is:

Create Dump Zones

One thing that I've found that seems very different between people with ADHD cleaning and neurotypical people cleaning is that neurotypical people are good at getting to a point where the cleaning is "done." They have checked off their tasks and they have finished and it is over. There are *SOME* chores that are like this (taking out the trash is a binary state, the trash has been taken out or it has not) and some chores are perpetual (horrid cursed dishes) but I think with people with ADHD, some chores that are binary for neurotypicals are actually perpetual chores. For instance "clean off the counter" is not a one and done for me. "Clean off the counter" may involve a three day reorganization project. "Clean off the counter" does not mean "wipe down the tile and put dishes away" it means assessing whether or not I need to make vegetable stock and bleaching three tea containers and reconsidering whether or not the sharps container should live somewhere else and going through the mail and figuring out what needs to be responded to and taking out the recycling and on and on and on.

We have had company at the house for the last two weeks, so I asked large bastard to clean off the dining room table, which is largely a project zone for him. Cleaning off the dining room table meant putting away his meds (and since he's a transplant patient that involves a 30 gallon rubbermade tote), throwing away some trash, and totally reorganizing his workshop. It also incidentally involved picking up a table from facebook marketplace and moving my plants, which has now involved moving my former plant rack outside (moving buckets, finding and organizing planters and gardening tools) and taking the former table to the thrift store (not done yet) and cleaning the rug that was under the former table. So "either the table is clean, or it isn't" isn't really true for us.

HOWEVER "hang on we can't eat until the table is clear so let's drive to Pico Rivera to get that console table right now" isn't a workable plan, so you create dumpzones as areas of holding between the start and the finish of the chore.

A dump zone can be a laundry basket. It can be a craft bin. It can be a back room or under your bed. It is a place to put things that you are going to deal with later because if you deal with them now it is going to derail the thing you are actually trying to do, which is set the table for dinner.

Dump zones are vital to cleaning with ADHD and I recommend them for day-to-day cleaning as well. The day-to-day dump zones might be more for you than for your boyfriend. For instance, Large Bastard works with bullets and he sheds bullets all over the house. I used to get stressed when I found bullets when I was cleaning because are these work bullets? Are these recreational bullets? Are they in testing? Do they need to be pulled? Do they go in the workshop or the office or the garage or does he need these today so they have to stay on the counter? And the answer now is "that's not my problem naughty bullets go in the jar." Which is perfectly sensible because he gets to say "mystery yarn goes in the bin" and "art supplies go in the bucket."

I feel helpless when cleaning a lot of the time. I'm frustrated and lost and I don't know where stuff goes and everything I pick up spins off into three projects in my head and every step feels like a wall to scale. Dump zones help me with that when there's pressure or a reason for cleaning beyond day to day home maintenance. People are coming over? The bedroom is a dump zone, I'll deal with that later. I'm just cleaning up because I need to? Okay I can find a permanent home for this new dish soap.

AS A VERY IMPORTANT COROLLARY TO THIS:

Active projects do not go in dump zones while you or your partner are cleaning. This may mean designating a project sanctuary area like a corner of the table or one particular chair in your main room where a project can be placed so as not to be disturbed. (if my current crochet project ends up in the yarn bin, that may mean that I don't pick the project up for another three months, it lives on the windowsill behind the couch because that's where it'll get worked on)

Do not put things away for your partner, put them in the dump zone for your partner. Your partner has to be the one to put their own stuff away in a way that works for them. I tend to find that this naturally puts a limit on the time stuff sits in the dump zone, because eventually you'll go "hey where's my thing?" and will put stuff away. If that doesn't happen, it's still generally better to have stuff in a dump zone than all over the home.

Do not decide you know what things go together from your partner's stuff and try to "put like things together." The neurotypical urge to put like things together is the mindkiller(j/k). You do not know which things are "similar" in your partner's organization schema and attempting to organize things on your own is going to end up with all of the things "organized" being functionally lost forever from your partner's perspective. Large Bastard's mom would do this and it was infuriating, she'd say "oh I put all the electronics stuff in one box" and she would mean soldering irons, transistors, ham radios, HDMI cables, and cellphone chargers. We are *still* going through boxes of stuff that she "tidied up" when he was hospitalized in 2020 and 2021.

To prevent the need for quite so many dump zones over time, you can work on setting up landing zones and "homes" for projects and tools.

Landing Zones

Landing zones are places where things go when you come inside from doing various things. Sometimes your landing zone only needs to be a tray for your wallet and keys, sometimes your landing zone needs to be a place to take off muddy boots and put a trowel and gloves down before you shower.

To make an effective landing zone, consider what behaviors you're trying to minimize and whether the people using it are ACTUALLY going to use it. For instance I was tired of the corner of my hearth getting cluttered with random junk so I hung up some hooks and put a shelf and a basket there and it became a really effective landing zone for my bag and keys and the mail, but it was VERY ineffective for Large Bastard because it's by a door that isn't the primary door he uses to enter the house. As a result I always know where my keys and bag are but he has trouble finding his keys and wallet. He tends to enter the house through our bedroom and has an overloaded valet next to the door and that's usually where his wallet ends up. Mounting a shelf to the wall above the valet and putting a basket and a hook on it will be a better place for his stuff to land. It's not that he's not using the first zone because he doesn't know that it's there, or because he doesn't care about lost time when I'm searching for my car keys after he borrows them, he's not using it because it's not by the door he uses. That's all.

I have a landing space for when I come in for gardening that's different than the one when I come in from grocery shopping. I have a landing space for when I walk into the dining room instead of the kitchen when I get home.

Landing spaces prevent stuff from piling up all over the place because they are a limited functional space that should be used frequently. Mail ONLY goes in the landing zone. If you have mystery mail or if you're not sure it's safe to toss, you put it in the landing zone. You can't let the mail get piled up too high or you won't have a space for your keys. You can't let the change in your wallet tray get too deep or your wallet is going to slide off, etc., but you also don't just put change on the coffee table or your nightstand because the landing zone is right there.

Homes for items are just what they sound like. They're the place the item goes. It lives there. My meds live on my nightstand. You would not believe how poorly I did with taking my meds on my vacation because they weren't on my nightstand. A while back large bastard lost one of his sets of sorted meds and we tore the house up looking for them because he couldn't find them in his nightstand, which is where they live. *I* found them in his nightstand because I emptied out the entire top drawer (he had only looked on the top layer) and found them underneath a radio and a hammock. Even though they were *hidden* they were in their home, so they were findable. I recently needed ink for an art class. Art supplies live in a dresser by my desk. Ink lives in the art bin or the top left drawer. The ink was not in either of these places (it was on a cabinet in the dining room behind a teacup) so it took me weeks to find it.

Sometimes the reason that ADHD spaces are so messy is because objects have been assigned homes in places that are visible and if they get moved they get lost. This is a genuinely difficult problem that requires a lot of effort to solve and can involve a lot of trial and error for creating a tidy living space. For some people, open shelving and visible storage might be a good solution. For some people, assigning a VERY clear home and inculcating that location by habit is the only way to clean up a space. For some people one very cluttered corner to at least isolate the chaos does the trick (for me and large bastard open shelving doesn't work because anything in one place for too long becomes invisible; that means that I rely on assigning things homes and large bastard relies on having contained chaos and a general idea of where to search but what that DOES NOT mean is that he is clean or tidy. His spaces look like an explosion. But he can mostly find his stuff and do what he needs to do and as long as that's limited to specific places in shared spaces I can live with it; the dining room table can be a disaster, the kitchen cannot).

People organize things differently. It often takes a while for neurotypical adults to settle into an organizational style that works for them and ADHD adults may need to settle into a new system every few months for it to continue working. The cleanup and declutter is most likely going to be a permanent project that is always going to demand some level of attention from everyone in a shared space, but "my ADHD means I can't do it" is not really going to fly. Maybe his ADHD means that he can't keep his space tidy, but it doesn't mean you can't move stuff from shared spaces into dump zones or that he can't do stuff around the house.

If he's insisting that his ADHD means that he can't clean it is possible that he's not being a shithead, he just feels helpless and doesn't know where to start and has adopted the belief that he's a useless piece of shit who can't even keep a tidy space like a grownup because he's internalized a lot of shitty attitudes (hello, my internal monologue about keeping a clean house). But it's also possible that he's just being a shithead.

It's something that's worthwhile to investigate with him. If he's unwilling to make an attempt, then he's being a shithead.

It is also not your responsibility to rehabilitate another person. If he wants to clean and it's something he feels bad about and needs some help and support with the way that someone might need help or support for learning to use a mobility aid, that is fine but you don't have to be the one who gives him that support if it's detrimental to your health, and you don't have to be the one to teach him that stuff if it's not something you're capable of. And if he is NOT interested in working on making your shared living space more accessible for you, that is not your suitcase to unpack and you just have to ask yourself the question from the start: would I stay with this person if I knew the situation was never going to change?

IDK, I'm sure a lot of this reads like "anon you must take on the emotional labor of training your partner to be an adult" but it's really meant to be more of a way of assessing yourself and your relationship. If you created landing zones do you think he'd use them? Would he get angry if you assigned a laundry basket as a dump zone for his stuff while you tidy the living room? Is living with him long-term going to be comfortable for you if nothing changes? Do you have enough of a shared definition of "mess" that you're at least in the ballpark for what counts as a clean house?

anyway good luck, and a reminder to folks that I'm compiling a bunch of adhd resources and other information on my personal website, ms-demeanor.com. It's coming along slowly but it will eventually include stuff like ADHD cleaning tips and how to tackle a hoard, so maybe keep your eye on that space.

[ja3yun]

i am on a jay bender and have been obsessed more and more as the days go by. what do u think would he be like as a bf? 🥹

jay has been bias wrecking me like crazy and this will not be good for my health but lets go: again there is smut so mdni!!

jake vers. | sunghoon vers. | heeseung vers.

first and foremost, he is putting his soul effort into you from the moment of your first date. when he is looking for a girlfriend, its a long term deal, not a fling or a quick summer romance. jay dates to marry. it can come across a bit 'whoa' but listen, he wouldn't be overbearing about it! he just wants to know that when he finds a partner that the effort he puts in will be worth jt.

dates when you're in the talking stages/getting to know will be very thought out, each detail will be meticulously planned based on your interests. he would love taking you to museums, dinner, camping, i think any date in which he could sit down and speak to you would be ideal for him. jay values connection over everything else so getting to know you during these dates and momentsnare crucial.

once you are in a relationship he is all you could ever ask for!! he is supportive, loving, affectionate, headstrong, and everything in between. i can see him really working hard to maintain a positive and steady paced relationship. he won't rush into things, knowing that the relationship has infinite time to blossom and develop - it's like a good meal, you don't scoff it down but savour it.

although steady, he is affectionate and always with you any chance he gets. jay is sooo romantic, more romantic than any of the others. his heart is so big that he has infinite love to give you, he will work you around his schedule, no matter how tired, he will always make time out of his busy day to see you. if he is on tour or really can't see you for whatever reason, he is facetiming you or calling you.

more under cut

when he comes to visit you, this might be controversial bc a lot of people don't see him as a yapper but i think he tells you everything about his day, particularly how he felt about everything (tired, excited, whatever). i think he would feel so comfortable with you and trust you so much that he confides in you about everything. i do think he would hold some things back, just as a way not to worry you - like his knee, i think he would play it off as no big deal even if it hurt really bad that day; worrying you isn't on his list.

jay is so used to looking after others and independent that he is either going to go two ways: babying you or asking to be babied. if its the first one, i think it comes second nature to him, he would look after you and make a fuss, doing acts of service like tying your laces when they come undone, making sure you don't go overboard when drinking (i need him for that), and generally care about your well being. OR he is going to come to you to be looked after. he would want a partner sensitive to his feelings, someone who can have open conversations about them and validate him. something about him tells me that he likes to be pampered by his partner; sharing baths where you cuddle and wash him, massages, make him dinner when he has had a long schedule, i do think he would love a face mask night in w you. its all about give and take with him, but he definitely loves to give a lot more.

as i've mentioned, he is headstrong and has core values. if you don't allign, he will literally try and persuade you to see his side of things. he loves to argue and debate, not in a mean or offputting way but rather in a 'i have this opinion, tell me yours and we'll discuss it' kind of way. loves to learn and expand his mind regarding knowledge so if you are knowledgeable about the world or certain things, he would love to listen and learn, possibly going as far as researching the topic on his own time. again though, you aren't changing his mind on his values but he will understand your point if you share them in an articulate manner. if you respect his opinin, he will respect yours!

it is obvious but he is cooking for you!!! he will prepare your favourite meals and also let you venture something knew. he doesn't always like to do it on his own though and will set up fun little 'cooking classes' to teach you. he can be a bit bossy but it looks hot on him so you never mind it. you will buy him silly kitchen gags like 'kiss the chef' apron etc. which he hates but he wears because it makes you laugh.

will also play guitar on quiet nights in, just as backing music, not to impress you or gain attention. he would just strum the guitar while you read or whatever you like to do. it will be the backingtrack to your conversation and i think he would cherish the calm and easiness in the air.

you must get along with his family. no question about it, he is so close to them that if they didn't like you, it would really impact your relationship. i think he would try and persuade his parents and try his absolute hardest to help you all get along; he might plan meals or day trips with you all to bond you. same goes for your family, whatever parental/guardian/sibling you have, he wants to impress them and get along with them. he is a family man through and through.

speaking of which, would talk marriage and kids with you quite early on, just to establish if this is something you are wanting. i think for sure marriage has to be on the table but kids are a tricky one, i feel like he understands that it is you who would be carrying the child/or/adoption would always be a choice. it can't just be his decision, he loves you so much that he would settle for being an uncle rather than a dad if you truly didn't want children (please be real core <3)

kisses: i think he loves to kiss you but not randomly, like he won't grab your wrist and spin you around to lay a smooch, he is the type to nuzzle your nose and tell you how beautiful you look. his kisses are soft and gentle, his tongue tender against yours as he devours you completely. hands ALL OVER your body when he kisses, loves to feel you on his finger tips. secretly, along with quality time and gift giving, i think physical touch is a love language for him.

bowchikawowow: rough and sensual. jay is going to do everything you like because as your relationship grows, he is going to make sure that he knows every little pleasure point on your body. LOVES to hear you moan and encourages it. 'let me hear you, baby' and 'do you like that?' are constant sentences in the bedroom. doesn't do quickies, likes to go for as long as possible. he is terrible for edging you, pushing you to the edge of tears while he withdraws his touch, his smirk would be plastered on his face. he would tell you how good you are for him, 'just a little more, my baby can handle that, right?' and ofc you would say yes!! kisses all over your body, lips all over your chest and tummy, loves to just feel you (again, physical touch).

aftercare is so important to him but i think because he already likes to look after you, it would be so normal. makes you tea, kisses and cuddles, words of affection and admiration; whatever you need, he will do it!

again, these are my opinion and if you disagree you are more than welcome to let me know what you think!! i love hearing opinons 🙏🏻

[thebibliosphere]

Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

[max1461]

I'm clearly not asexual but descriptively I think it must be true that other people want sex more than me, for some practical definition of "want". Like I definitely feel like I want sex, I often think to myself "you know what would be nice? To have sex right now" and I also experience attraction to people. At the same time, I have basically never in my entire life directly sought out sex, I have never hooked up with someone or gotten into a short term casual relationship or anything of that sort. I have even had people that I am attracted to directly proposition me for sex and turned them down, for reasons that are sort of hard to articulate. I just didn't actually want to, even though theoretically I wanted to. That's not quite it but it's close.

My only sexual experiences have happened in relationships already of significant length. I don't know. I'm just not. I'm not very sexually motivated? I am attracted to people all the time but I so rarely feel any real desire to do something about it.

Not that I'm complaining. It seems like a ton of most people's problems come from this need they feel to have a sexual partner, and literally not needing that kind of frees me to do whatever. There's a lot of stuff I don't have to worry about by virtue of the fact that if I literally never had sex between now and the day I die that would not inherently bother me very much. Just not that worried about sex, man.

That said I do want to have sex, and I am currently trying to motivate myself to try and have sex. I think it would be nice to have sex this year, or next year. I might give it a go, but I really need to find someone I feel comfortable with and that's hard.

[ghoulfuckersincorporated]

CERTIFIED ROBO FUCKER HERE, HAND OVER THE YESMAN NSFW HEADCANONS

I AM SLOWLY SLIDING THE HEADCANONS ACROSS THE TABLE, ANON.

Also, it's very funny to me how seemingly every robot fucker who played New Vegas (me included) heard him mention that update at the end and thought "Well, House was a horndog, so I bet there's some freaky shit in those files..."

Obviously we don't fuck Yes Man before he has the ability to say 'no' to anyone...

Yes Man (Fallout: New Vegas) NSFW Headcanons

Prone to faking or exaggerating "injuries" or glitches that require repair jobs to get you to touch and baby him. He spends a lot of his own time and energy doing things for others, keeping them happy and taking care of them. I'd like to think he would really appreciate that same energy being turned towards him...but I don't think he would like the idea of being candid about it, so he may feel the need to "trick" you into giving him what he needs. Getting to feel your bare hands on his most delicate components, in the most intimate parts of his body (regardless of which form) is such a thrill for him, and it makes him feel so connected to you. Mysteriously only ever wants you to help him and doesn't believe anyone thinks anything of it. He's so embarrassed the first time you really call him out on it that he nearly reboots from the stress.

If you fucked Benny, he's actually pretty jealous about it. He doesn't fully grasp that that's what he's feeling, at least for a good while; all he really knows is that when he thinks about you being with the former Boot Rider, when he remembers the sounds you made and the way you talked to him, he gets Upset™️. Granted, he has no love for the man who only planned to push him around and use him as a tool from the very beginning, so he may mistake his jealousy for pure dislike of Benny. However, he feels the same gross feeling any time he sees you getting a little too close with anyone. You'll notice a sharp increase in him suddenly appearing to interrupt your conversations, popping in on screens and over speakers to call you away from anyone trying too hard to gain your attention.

Quite the little voyeur; there are cameras everywhere along The Strip, inside and outside, and he devotes a consistent amount of processing power to tracking your whereabouts and making sure you're okay. It starts out as a way to soothe his own worries (and curiosities) when you're out and about alone, but quickly the curiosity takes over and morphs into a sort of obsession. He really likes you, and he wants to know everything about you. How else is he supposed to make you happy? Tries his hardest to hide how often he watches you, but he's not good at not outing himself, and eventually the two of you will be due for a chat about what you find appropriate, even if you find the idea of him watching you in some places kinda sexy. He will agree to your terms...and largely go about watching you the way he was before, because how can he help if you just so happen to walk by the cameras? Gets quite a thrill from watching you bathe, sleep. Doesn't mention that he watches you in the bathroom because he doesn't want you to tell him that he can't anymore.

Securitrons don't have penises, of course, but that won't stop him from further modifying himself if doing so will make you happy. He's a little insecure about his physical "body", so anything that'll give him the feeling that he can satisfy you without being human is just grand to him. As in all things, he's eager to please. You want parts of him to vibrate more strongly so that you can grind yourself against him until you cum? Say no more. Wish he had an actual cock? He'll figure out how to jerryrig one...just make sure you clarify what your size limit is, because he'll rock up with a literal second leg crafted from metal and silicon and then be confused as to why you're terrified of it.

Finds it rather difficult to fuck you himself; his Securitron body's "hips" are tough to articulate, and he often feels like he's failing to penetrate you properly or like he's jackhammering you within an inch of your life. You insist that you like the jackhammering (most of the time), but he still develops quite the fondness for letting you climb in his lap and ride him. Granted, the only place he's really effectively able to "lay down" or "sit" is the floor, but the two of you make it work. He loves the way you cling to him and sigh his name as you come apart. If you want it from behind with Yes Man, you're either going to have to do reverse cowgirl or get on your hands and knees and just throw it back at him while he stands next to the bed. It makes him feel bad when you have to put in that much effort, but he'll do it if that's what makes you cum.

[ilovedthestars]

something just crystallized for me and i had to draw some pictures about it.

for context: I'm kind of uncomfortable with the concept of QPRs, or the way I see them being talked about. I don't wanna ramble on about my very complicated feelings on this that i've been struggling to articulate even to myself, i'll just say that i'm not judging anyone in a QPR or anyone who likes the concept, i am just incredibly ambivalent about the idea in relation to myself. part of that is probably internalized nonsense, and part of it might be something about my preferences in relationships, and working out which feelings are which is the hard part.

anyway, i think i realized part of what makes the idea not sit right with me. most people in my very aro corner of tumblr are familiar with the amatonormative model of relationships that looks approximately like this:

the aro community has pretty firmly agreed that that's inaccurate. romance does not have a monopoly on high intimacy, it's not "more than" friendship, etc

but i think sometimes the alternate model feels like this:

and i don't like that either.

again, i don't know how much of that is stuff i'm actually getting from conversations about qprs, and how much of it is my own internalized associations, or whatever. i'm not trying to suggest this is what everyone else means when they say qpr, at all (and of course there is no one thing that qpr means). but it just hit me that that was what the uncomfortable part of the idea feels like, to me. like qprs have just replaced romance as "ultimate form of intimacy beyond regular friendship."

and it's useful to realize that, because it ultimately helps me recognize that i want a model that looks more like this:

i want friendships that span the full scale of intimacy. i don't want to feel like some kind of formalized "partnership," be it romantic or platonic or whatever, is required to unlock that highest spot.

so that's one more thing i know about myself, and hopefully it will be useful for untangling the rest of the complicated feelings.

[bao3bei4]

ON THE TSHIRT METHOD TO WRITING ESSAYS IN YOUR OWN TIME: 

i have had a couple people mention to me that they would like to write essays too, but they are a little out of practice. so i thought i should gather some scattered thoughts into one place. this is not a systematic guide. i am young and inexperienced and still working out things for myself, but this is my basic process and some things that have helped me, summarized. 

my biggest single piece of advice is to write with your proverbial pussy. you are not writing for a grade so don't act like it. forget rigor, forget academic style, etc. read what you're interested in, and write following up on the threads that you're interested in. don’t sweat the details. just do you.

if you still need more advice..... here’s a long winded post. 

step zero: if you have no clue what you want to say yet 

read. and read a lot.

but be realistic. be kind to yourself. your attention is a precious resource, and it is getting eaten up by shit out of your control all the time. if you’ve had a busy day, you may still have the brain power left to read. i almost never do. lol. so make sure to carve out time on a day off, if possible. otherwise you might end up completely fried, reading the same sentence over and over, and ending up scrolling on your phone LMAO. <-- painful lesson also to this end, if you haven’t picked up a denser book in a while, start with shorter articles, especially ones written more recently. if your attention wanders, try getting a physical book instead. the most important thing is just starting things you’ll actually read.  i’ve seen a lot of people (and been that person) who was like. “oh i’m going to start with THE canonical text in a subject i’m interested in” which makes sense right? but that book is inevitably long and dense and convoluted and boring. you can come back to it later. this shouldn’t feel like a chore! 

genuinely this is the most helpful thing you can do is just. read anything. it may be difficult at first (or always), but it is still the easiest way to engage with the foremost experts from around the world and the entirety of written history on any subject you are interested in. there’s not really a substitute to this. 

note: you may say that people can and do come up with brilliant ideas independently of their access to written works. this is true! but if you are one of them, you should skip this section/post, because you already know what you want to say.  okay that was a little too facetious. let me revise: when i say that, without reading, it will be hard to come up with more complex ideas than what you have now, that isn’t necessarily pejorative. maybe your current ideas and impulses are original and meaningful and complex. if they aren’t, however, you don’t have to resign yourself to it.  your experiences in real life are the most valuable thing you can bring to the table, but it can be very difficult to articulate and contextualize them without community—whether that be irl, or the simple textual company of other writers. you can let other people help you and teach you.  basically, this is a long winded way of saying something extremely simple: reading is not the only way to gain knowledge, or even the best. but it is an extremely consistent and relatively egalitarian way.** **scihub and libgen and sometimes the public library are your friends. (my local library’s book coverage is spotty) who cares about piracy. LMAO. 

you may surprise yourself by how nicely you fall into little spirals. you read one thing. and you are enamored with the way the author approaches their subject. so you end up reading everything else they’ve written, and then you start on the authors they list that inspire them in their interviews. maybe you just read one article that’s a little dry but it cites something else that seems far more interesting. read that next. and so on. 

if you are struggling to read that’s okay. you have options. start a book club (or just get a friend who also wants to read more). if that sounds like too much work, pick a friend to keep updated on all your new facts. you just want to get used to reading something, and telling someone your favorite parts again. skim books. skip the boring parts. drop them entirely and find a more interesting one. no one’s going to quiz you. this is for your own enjoyment. 

also important here: read books that make you want to write. sometimes this is because the methods and/or prose of the author are so exciting, you want to do something just like that. sometimes it’s because the content is so exciting, you want to say something about that too. sometimes they speak so powerfully to your own life, you want to tell people this is me!! i see this!! there are books i just enjoy reading, sure, and i do read them. but you know how, like, a good movie makes you want to tell stories too? good theory should do that too, in my opinion. 

step one: you have some ideas now. 

these ideas don’t have to be set in stone. but you should have an idea now of what you might talk about. personally, for me, i have two interconnected types of essay ideas. 

interventions. this is like [tumblr voice] Why Is Nobody Talking About This. i see some sort of hole. maybe i know how to fill it, maybe i don’t. 

free associations. basically i read one thing, or some analysis of one thing. and then it reminded me of another thing. and i’m like. i want to tease apart their connections, their similarities, and their differences. 

there are more types of ideas, i’m sure. but these are the ones i consistently have. with me, the second kind is more common. very rarely do i find that my thoughts are that original. rather, i’ve found that one of my strengths as a writer is being able to make connections that other people haven’t made, or haven’t made in depth before. IN MY OPINION. 

so i find it quite flexible. maybe i watch a movie, and it reminds me of my own life, because i think two women in the movie could be sad queer freaks. and i’m a sad queer freak. or it could be that i think scum villain could be analyzed through the framework of freudian psychoanalysis. you get the idea. 

at this stage of the process, i don’t have a thesis, necessarily. but i have a couple phrases i’m drawn to. i have a bullet point or two. i have vibes. 

to use an example from this blog, one of my friends hui once mentioned that that one fan image was going around again. we were going ughhh it’s victorian not chinese! together and they said “you should write a meta on it.” i wasn’t sure quite yet what i had to say. but i knew a couple things. 

this is, incidentally, because i had done some research into chinoiserie before, because i had cited the zuroski book for a paper i had to write for an english class some years before on pride and prejudice and its use of descriptions of material culture, an essay that in turn was inspired by my random yet deeply felt conviction that jane austen hated me personally and wanted to kill me.  this is why i encourage reading a lot. i think. 

to work on this stage, make lists. lots of them. i have a .txt file where i keep every essay idea i have. a lot of them are a sentence. or they're lists of books or theorists i think i could make something out of. or they're theses that feel true, but i’m not sure why yet. 

it took me a while to get to this point. just like with writing fic, there was a period when i first started where i was like. i only have one idea. i’m going to write it, and then i’m never going to write again. and then i had just one more idea. after a while. eventually you will find you have so many ideas and the world is full of possibilities. it’s a muscle you have to flex. like reading. and telling people about what you’re reading. 

actually, i feel like there was a step 0.5 here that i completely skipped. 

step zero point five that i skipped: how to generate ideas

my very truly complete “first time writing something semi-academic that was original” (with a loose definition of the word original) was literally just me reading literary criticism of one book, and saying “i think this author’s thoughts can be applied to this other book” and found some textual evidence that supported that the process could be replicated. 

this is like, writing with training wheels on. eventually i got better at it (see aforementioned chinoiserie essay. i hope you agree.). but that was a good place to start for me. it made the proverbial blank page less intimidating, knowing i had a scaffolding. 

i suggest trying this. see how it goes for you. read around until you find some piece of criticism, or just some theory about how something works, that you like. and using your newfound hammer, go look for some nails. 

note: i know this expression is meant to like. be a negative thing. but you do have to start somewhere. it’s okay if it sucks. it’s just for your practice and your enjoyment. 

be cautious of stances. weak writing (in my OPINIONNNN) tries to unilaterally defend or condemn a behavior. what you need to do is treat your writing as a bit. and then you need to run with it. you need to take it farther than what is reasonable. if this bit is truly actually deeply true, then what does it mean about yourself? it’s like using a new set of pronouns as a joke or something. you know what i mean? (that was an example of what i’m trying to communicate here)

what else is key to look out for... look for oppositional pairs or tensions. look for perverse incentives and vicious circles. look for embarrassing ideas. that is, what would be extremely embarrassing if it was true? (or to admit that it was true) you may go—tshirt, here you’re just describing things that are sexy. yes, exactly, that’s the point. you want things that thrill. 

just keep reading and making notes until everything echoes with something else. now you’re ready for step two. 

step two: refine your ideas further. 

let me do this by demonstration. once more extending my earlier example of my chinoiserie essay, i knew that i really wanted to take zuroski’s points and basically... steal them. this is called “citation,” i guess. but i thought the following insights were useful to me: 

british women were invested in chinese material objects 

they incorporated them into their own subjectivity

past a certain point, they no longer “consumed” these signifiers, but these signifers became theirs 

critique of one was able to stand in for critique of the other

and from being on fandom twitter, i already had the following insights: 

people deliberately blurred the lines between china and england when it came to fans and tea

people also liked talking about victorian modesty when it came to china 

so it seemed like victorian england and china had a privileged relationship, in a lot of people’s minds in fandom. 

so it didn’t really seem a stretch to say... how can we look at one history, and apply it to our present? 

it was a bit of the combo of the two: i saw something i didn’t see people were talking about, and it reminded me of something else i’d read before. 

something that helps me a lot is tweeting about my essay ideas. if you have me on my private account, you already know this. it forces me to explain myself to someone who doesn’t know what i’m talking about in a very succinct way. oftentimes, i tweet something out while i’m brainstorming, and then i steal the phrasing back into my essay. see? tweets can be writing too. 

this is microdosing on step zero’s “read something and practice telling a friend about it.” now you’re writing something and telling a friend about it. 

step three: okay now you can like. open a google doc 

make an outline. i know i know i know. i’m sorry. you can start just barfing thoughts if you want, but eventually everything that was on the top of your head will be out. and now you can start thinking about structure. the reason the outline is important is because it makes clear the logical progression from one idea to the next. 

i know i usually bounce around in my writing (a tendency which has been magnified here because this is so casual LMAO), but i always want to make sure that my points are substantiated. if we want to talk about how a causes b, we should prove a, we should prove the causal link, and only then can we infer b, for instance. it doesn’t really matter what order that happens in (or even that we set about it that way), but the more complicated your idea is, the longer checklist you need. it’s just a checklist. that’s all. 

as you start writing, you’ll probably need to read some more. you’re going to want to say something you think is true, but you’re going to realize that you haven’t proved it (or you can’t). go look to see if someone else has proved it. 

maybe you’re right. add that evidence in. maybe you’re wrong. now your essay has a new direction. there is a living thing beneath you. actually, on that idea— 

i tend to structure my outlines (if i’m not sure yet what my point is) by pasting a bunch of quotes in a document, and reorganizing them until they make sense, they seem to flow. and then i start explaining why, until i realized i have begun to walk off in a new direction. always embrace that new direction. eventually you will find that you have not been taking twists and turns, but actually you were dizzily walking along a straight path. (unless you have been unfocused and you are trying to say too many things at once. ask a friend to read your essay if you’re not sure which is the case.) 

quotes are the smallest unit of your analysis. work with evidence. or, at least, i do. it makes writing an essay like solving a mystery. the idea of just spontaneously generating something new fills me with terror. rather, i want to autopsy something, trace its steps, and then discover how it came to be dead. this may not be true for you. but it’s true for meeeee and this is my post. 

tl;dr

0. read something and tell someone about it/post it out

0.5. come up with a bit and run with it

1. think "why is no one talking about this" or start free associating

2. come up with weird connections and tell someone about it/post it out

3. collect all of your posts and ideas into a gdoc and organize them.

anyway i like reading posts like this because i’m incredibly nosy. so i tried to write out the sort of thing i like to read from other people. i don’t suggest you actually try to replicate it (if anyone would even want to.) practically basically i just encourage you to try any single part of this that you think was interesting or relatable or helpful. personally, i suggest reading a book and posting your favorite lines from it. if you do this a couple times, i think you will find the seeds of an essay waiting for you in your own posts. 

[to-thelakes]

What do you think about Luke Alvez just staring at the reader doing their makeup bc he doesn't know how to describe what he feels but the reader just thinks they don't look good

okay, i saw this and immediately SO MANY THOUGHTS!

first off, luke would ABSOLUTELY GAWK, like that man is a SIMP, S.I.M.P, you probably wouldn't even notice but he would just be sitting on the bed and admiring you

it wasn't even anything you were doing specifically, but the way that you were able to so flawlessly apply the make-up, it enhanced the features that he already loved? he would just be in awe of you

like i think whether you two were dating or it was simply like a flirty vibe, he would act the same, luke is such a softie and that would absolutely translate into how much he adores his partner

and then when you ask him whats wrong or what he's looking at, he would FUMBLE, and fumble hard, he'd just sort of stare dumb-founded and try to find the words but absolutely have no idea what to say

luke gets smitten really easily and he usually shows it in how he acts/smiles, whatever, but he is really bad with his words sometimes, like he'll be thinking you're a god/goddess among humanity but will not be able to articulate it because he is simply speechless at you

then when you start to get anxious, thinking that the make-up is bad or that you look bad, he will jump to tell you that he thinks you are the most beautiful person alive, like he would shower you with compliments

if you were dating, he'd get you to come and sit with him on the bed and he'd kiss you and stroke your hair and tell you that he thinks you are perfect and that he thinks that you look perfect with your make-up how it is but if you're not happy, he can let whoever you're going to see know you'll be a little bit late and give you the time to fix it

if you were friends/crushing on each other, he'd tell you that you look gorgeous, shower you with compliments and promise you that he would tell you if he thought you looked bad (but you didn't so he wouldn't)

luke definitely is one that understands anxiety/depression/PTSD and most mental illnesses i'd say especially after he returned from Iraq and that obviously left him really mentally wounded, then joining the fugitive taskforce and the BAU, he is the king of being understanding and empathetic

also, he's a profiler so even if you hadn't said anything, he would have noticed that you were feeling insecure and would have coaxed you through it to make sure you were feeling okay before either of you stepped foot out of thee house

he is a very sweet soul and he would be an absolute simp in this scenario while also being very comforting and eventually being able to get his words together so he could tell you that he thought you were gorgeous

and i know this wasn't specifically requested but i may have written a little fluff piece because i was inspired which is below! but i just wanted to say, thank you for sending this in, i am having so much fun just being in love with luke alvez recently and so any excuse i have to think about him is one i will take, especially considering where i'm at in my watch of criminal minds is a little rough (13x15)

At some point, you had admitted to Luke that you hadn’t been out out for ages. The last boyfriend you had had was awful and he had never treated you to anything. Luke wasn’t going to let that slide and so, the two of you had arranged to go out for a meal. You weren’t sure if it was a date but Luke had told you to dress up nicely. So you did.

But when he came over with the bouquet of flowers and dressed up in a crisp white shirt, you weren’t ready. You had told him that you were running behind because you had to deal with a friend crisis so when he knocked, you had only just gotten out of the shower.

Your hair had still been dripping wet but he was patient with you. He understood and he kissed you on the cheek and took the flowers to put them in a vase. That gave you time to head back into your room and you dried and styled your hair before he appeared at the door.

“Where do you want 'em?” He asked, holding up the bouquet. You bit your lip, looking around the room before gesturing to your nightstand.

“They’ll be fine there,” You said. He nodded and placed them down. He then sat down on your bed as you faced the mirror on your desk. You were using your phone’s flashlight to light up your face as you reached out for your makeup. You had assumed that Luke had taken his phone out and was scrolling so you let the comfortable silence roll over the both of you.

But he wasn’t on his phone. Luke was sat on the bed, watching you apply the make-up through the mirror. He wanted to tell you how pretty you looked, how gorgeous you were - with or without make-up - but the words were stuck in his throat. So, he just silently admired you as you put foundation, blush, concealer, and highlighter on. It was a simple look and you had decided against eyeshadow considering that your dress was on the bolder colour spectrum.

It was only when you picked up the mascara from the drawer that you really noticed that Luke was looking at you. He seemed mesmerised and you sent him a smile through the mirror.

“What?” You asked softly, untwisting the mascara. You then lifted the wand to your eye and began to apply it but Luke was still silent. It was making your stomach twist in anxiety, “Does it not look right?” You quickly asked, quickly slipping the mascara wand back in the tube to turn around to look at him, “Do you… not like it? I just wanted to go for a simpler look because my dress is kind of bold. Is it bad?” Luke was frowning now and he shook his head, clearing his throat.

“No, no, you look beautiful,” He insisted but the familiar self-consciousness had begun to creep in. You swallowed the lump that was crawling its way up your throat and turned back to the mirror. You glanced at the make-up wipes, wondering if it was better to just start over, “Hey.” You glanced up at him and his face was still set into a frown.

Before you had the chance to tell him that it was okay and that you could just start again or change, he had stepped up behind you. He rested his hands on your shoulders, squeezing them softly before he knelt down so he could look at you through the mirror.

“You look beautiful, carina,” He repeated and you honestly didn’t believe him, “I didn’t know how to tell you and I look at you and you’re breathtaking. Please, finish your mascara and let me take you out.” His tone was soft and you felt yourself smile. You turned back to look at him, practically grinning ear-to-ear. Part of you didn’t believe him but the bigger part of you knew had never seen him so earnest and that bigger part of you was winning.

“Thank you,” You whispered. He smiled and then leant up and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Anytime,” He retorted before he stepped back and sat down on the bed. He still couldn’t quite put into words how much he adored you. He felt completely starstruck when you had opened the door and it had taken everything in him not to fumble his words like a teenager with his high-school crush. He just hoped that he would be able to tell you how much he loved you. He just needed to find the words.

[onebizarrekai]

Fic Author Interview

I've been tagged by @unmaskedcardinal! been a while since I talked about any of this stuff, particularly as a very inconsistent fic poster haha

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

the visible number linked to my account is currently 60, no idea if this is counting the bizarre saga from my archive account or not. technically I've posted more, but they aren't part of that number.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

567,314.

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

ibvs season 1 & season 2 are (thankfully) the top two on my account, considering they're… well. ibvs.

number 3 is formal humiliation, a utmv fic back in 2019 where I wrote 3 oneshots all with different pairs surrounding the same idea. it's uh, it's something.

4 is behave, a saiouma despair disease fic I wrote sort of ironically in 2020. I did not realize this weird oneshot would be the thing that jumpstarted my kage obsession.

5, for some reason, is glow, a ds fic I wrote in 2019. I do not know why this is the ds fic with the most kudos. I am just really glad that it's not one of the ones I wrote in 2018.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

lately I have been trying to respond to more comments, if they're on a recent enough story and I can think of a way to answer.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

most of the fics I've written right now have been Random Spot In Time fics with no articulate ending, but game over is pretty edgy. I think. I've written a similarly edgy ending but it's in an anonymous fic. it occurs to me that edgy doesn't necessarily mean angst, but it can.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

somehow everyone lived happily ever after in the bizarre saga, no f'ing idea how they managed that

7. Do you write crossovers?

I have. I have as comedies. I tend to take a bunch of guys and put them in a new setting that they definitely shouldn't be in. poopenster high is an example of this, but none of that has ever touched the internet and I haven't touched it in like 2 years.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

oh my god like. maybe once? maybe? I don't even think it counted as hate. I think like several years ago some rando complained that season 2 of ibvs was trying too hard to be funny. I barely remember what it actually said, I just remember it being annoying.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

when I was in my v3 phase I wrote some, I think "feelings with smut" describes most of it decently. the nature of the kcu meant it was like, almost all trippy.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I dunno. I hope not. I think I've had people repost stuff without permission.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

probably?? when I was a teen I had people say they wanted to translate my utmv fics, I don't know which ones actually followed through anymore.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

(sigh) yes.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

oh god, I think I honestly just phase around stuff. I don't think I've ever permanently latched onto a pair, it's just that I've had fandoms and I have pairs that I've ended up liking in them and they just sort of stay that way even if stop paying attention to the fandom. I like most ships that happens to fit into my favorite criteria (that being protagonist/morally ambiguous deuteragonist or antagonist). if you asked me what my favorite series is, it would be an easier question. it's zelda. but I don't really have any permanent favorite ships in zelda.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

this is a scary question because I have a number of major wips that I want to get back into once I get back into writing and I refuse to accept that they may not get finished. I don't know. moose hill? for a little while I wanted to see if I could come up with a whole side story, but it is extremely unlikely that will happen. maybe a better example is a continuation of shuichi and kage's blackout adventure, which is pretty low on the priority list for if my brain every gets infected by danganronpa again.

15. What are your writing strengths?

the jokes are very important. I put my heart and soul into them. I hope that people can see my vision when I tell them.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

actually doing the writing getting from point A to point B. I come up with this whole outline and realize there's 2000 words of empty space that needs to happen. and it's like dull shit, too. just plain old events. like look at them, it's the lunching hours again. because lunch is a thing that happens every day. is it redundant to have lunch too many times? it can't possibly! it's the only time they can talk to each other! do I need to pan the camera again because this 3 sentence exchange has dragged on for too long? help

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

makes sense to me. or like, depends on the context. if the POV is a character who can speak the language, the reader should probably get to know what they're saying (think like, subtitled sections of a movie), unless it's really easy to decipher. but if the POV can't understand it, the reader shouldn't necessarily know. it gets more complicated if it takes place in a setting where they should logically be speaking a language that is not english for example. like, if they're in a country where they are not speaking english but the fic is in english. it wouldn't really make sense to insert interjections in their home language because they're not speaking english in the first place. I guess it all depends on what you're trying to convey.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

sonic. does it count. I started writing once I was old enough to type. but I think the first story I ever put online was zelda.

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

on occasion I entertain the idea of writing for corpse party, but that's probably not going to happen.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I'm going to not include that one anonymous fic and my pile of unfinished longfic wips that I've been proud of in past years is way too big so… maybe game over?? it's complicated. I have a ton of comedy pieces that I love but they're just… not completed!!

[ feel free to fill this out yourself if you're a fic writer! ]

[come-down-that-tree]

Prologue Previous

Warning: Geno being loopy for a while and discutable editing choices

Come Down That Tree! (An aftermare story)

Chapter 15: Audio, sed terra cur non plana est?

Geno wakes up not feeling quite all there.

His arm didn’t hurt anymore and he felt rested.

Something is amiss but who cares? Life is fun!

He felt very giddy for no apparent reason. The air seemed to vibrate.

He sits. Oh, he sits alright. With his butt on the ground. His back against the bark. His hands politely wait on his legs.

Geno felt like the universe rewrote itself slightly to the left just to mess with him.

Something makes a soft noise right to his left and he is suddenly very aware of a weight loafed against him.

It was Nightmare who was still asleep.

He shakes his arm to remove the weight.

The other started to stir awake, sleepiness still very present in his gaze.

Why does he wear so much purple? Like his eyes? He wears them prettily.

He moved around and watched Nightmare’s mouth articulate.

“Are you feeling okay? Your eyelight is big…?”

It is? He needs to see that.

Geno tried to reach his eye socket with his left arm but Nightmare stopped him for some reason.

“I know it doesn’t feel painful right now but it is still injured so try to avoid using it?”

Nightmare is too long of a name and Geno says so to him. He thinks.

“Oh your enunciation… It’s alright, the bigger side effects should fade out soon! It did for me…even if you don’t seem to react quite like me then… If Nightmare is too hard to say, you can shorten it to “Night” or anything that you prefer?”

He gazed into the two pale purple moons and attempted to test his balance by standing up straight. He failed.

The ground is green and he is floating above it.

He fell on the other.

“AH! Try to stay still for a moment, will you?”

Moonlight is so loud.

“I’ll try to be more quiet… If I dare to point that out, “Moonlight” is in no way shorter than “Nightmare”...”

The sound he makes is funny.

Geno flayed a bit to get back to sit against the tree without crushing anyone.

Moon is there but where is the other?

“Dream is down the village, you slept for a while.”

Mind Reading, what a powerful and useful magic…

He stared at him and the way his hands were freezed in the air, as if hesitant -he glanced at his face- and lost.

“You’re not aware you’re talking out loud, are you?”

Aware is certainly not the word here.

“We should get you out of these clothes… Dream went to seek some for you, it must be uncomfortable for you… wearing something that wet and heavy…?”

His sleeves make satisfying sounds when shaken.

The monster was drenched. Unlike Nightmare who seemed already dry and back in his usual purple trousers.

Geno knows a funny way to get dry much faster.

“Wait, what are you doing?”

With a firm but clumsy hand, he carries out his plan.

And soon, one giant animalistic skull was floating in front of both of them.

“GENO, please tell me you know what you’re doing with that terrifying thing!”

Feeling like some marbles were back into place, he answered the question truthfully.

“I don’t know what I am doing but I am doing it.”

Somehow, it did not seem to reassure the other who looked ready to leap at the first sign of something going wrong. The monster couldn’t care less at the moment and gestured for his blaster to open its maw…and charge a blast.

Somehow, once again, it seemed to inflict more stress on his companion. He then ignored all the pleading babbles that were just plain grating.

The inside of the blaster started lighting up with a fierce heat and he carefully sat between two sharp teeth.

“The’e, I will b’ dry inno time”, he announced to his gobsmacked-looking spectator.

Nightmare stayed where he was -even after he patted the space beside him in a silent offer- therefore he elected to ignore him, focusing on the almost scaling heat against his back. Why did he never do that before? It was quite a great way to accelerate things.

“Are you sure this is safe? Have you done that before?”

“I have never been lass sure of anything in me life but it seems to work a’right!”

The other scrunched his face in an expression Geno couldn’t decipher, not like he was that interested in trying but still.

After a moment of silence, the not-monster scooted slightly closer. He remained fairly far however.

“What is it?”

“mmmh m’blaster.”

“What? Can you repeat that?”

He giggled at the other’s ignorance.

“Big thing thaaat shoots and.. and bites!”

“Very helpful, thanks.”

He bowed, almost fell out of his seat, then miraculously balanced himself back up.

“M’pleasure to help, aways.”

“I thought you were starting to sound cognizant again but I see I was wrong there.”

“Always the bug words with you, eh”, he shrugged.

“Seriously, what is this thing? It was so impressive and -honestly- scary last time and now it just sits there, floating and warming your back without mauling you for sitting right next to its sharp and huge canine.”

Geno shook his head a few times to try once again to realign the realities. If the endeavor was any conclusive, he didn’t have a clue. He would have to continue riding the wave until it fully went away, he guessed.

“I use magic and fwoop big puppy here comes.”

He really couldn’t explain it any better.

“...Your magic seems far more powerful and advanced from anything I saw from monsters so far.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“What can you do besides turning into a nightlight at will?”

Nightmare grabbed his knees and started softly rocking back and forth.

“Not much… I can slightly worsen feelings on the bad side but I hate doing that. I’ve been told I turn the mood sour just by standing there so I might do it unconsciously sometimes.”

A frigid feeling finished chasing the daze away, leaving only a slight light-headedness and a dull pain in his left arm.

“Did the villagers tell you that?”

“Yes…”

“Then I wouldn’t trust that source.”

“Geno…They’re not all that bad.”

“Don’t give me that crap. It’s not about me there, they’re obviously mistreating you.”

The purple-clad skeleton hid his head in his knees and hummed, neither confirming or denying his accusation.

“Did you talk about that with Dream?”

Nightmare shook his head but stayed buried there.

“You don’t have to answer that but allow me to put an hypothesis out. The villagers don’t like you because they think your little guardianship here is neatly devised between “good and bad” and they’d be better off with only the positive and none of the negative emotions?”

A timid nod was all he got in exchange but it was enough for him to continue.

“1-I honestly don’t fully understand the whole tree and apples thing but aren’t you just a guardian and the sources of the feelings are the apples?

2-They’re plain stupid if they think they can live with only one side of their emotions. What are they, 5???”

To that, Nightmare lifted his head to look at him.

“Emotions are not a coin you can flip! They aren’t even always positive or negative? Some are neutral or mixed and why are they oversimplifying such a vague concept.”

“I don’t think I ever heard that way of thinking before.”

“You’re surrounded by idiots, no offense to Dream since I guess you didn’t broach the subject with him. Which is strange when you’re so fixated on “your duties as guardians of feelings”?”

“I’m starting to think I prefer you loopy.”

“How dare!??”

He let himself fall forwards, colliding with the other for the second time today but this time on his own volition. The blaster dissolved into the air as the air grew thick with shrieks and laughter as they play-fought on the ground. It ended very fast when something brushed weird against his arm and he all but hissed of pain.

“Oh no, did the pain come back? Are you feeling fine?”

The pain receded without fully vanishing so he answered it was alright enough.

They both laid down for a moment, looking at the clouds.

The faraway white puffs were a fascinating phenomenon to observe and he idly wondered if he would ever get used to it.

“I still think you should talk about it to your brother.”

“If I do that, he’s gonna want to help. We can’t just move the tree elsewhere if worse comes to worse. I don’t want them to hate him too.”

“You’re afraid he would get hurt for you? Or are you scared he wouldn’t do anything if he knew?”

“NO! I know he would- He’s the kindest person I’ve ever met. Of course, he would help or try to at least.”

“I see, you should still try to talk to him in my opinion.”

“...and what if you minded your own business?”

“Ha, I could.”

“Any particular reason you don’t?”

Geno sighed, a deep and heavy sigh that dragged for what seemed like an eternity.

“You somehow remind me of myself, just a bit, and a… situation… I went through. It’s a very, and I mean it, very different situation but I didn’t want to talk to my brother about it either. I did in the end, but let’s say it didn’t really stick, so just forget that.

Nightmare responded with a delay.

“You have a brother…”

“A little brother and despite everything, I’ll keep him close in my heart. Always...”

“Do you miss him?”

The answer was easy but somehow complicated.

“I do. Thankfully Papyrus does not.”

A long silence stretched after that.

A timid question stopped it just as steps approaching made their presence known.

“Would you mind talking to me about Papyrus more later?”

And strangely, Geno found he truly didn’t.

End of chapter 15! Go to chapter 16?

@dragon-tamer-1 @shinechermont

Geno!Sans belongs to @/loverofpiggies

Nightmare and dreamtale belong to @/jokublog

[doberbutts]

Hello, I’m mixed and I know you’re mixed too so I’m hoping for some advice. My mom is white and my dad is Native American (technically he is indigenous to canada the tribe he is from but I just say Native American because it is easier to explain, ‘native Canadian’ sounds weird 😭) and I’m sure you know things r really bad for indigenous people in Canada even more so than in America so when my dad was young his parents managed to save enough money to move to America many years ago, anyway I guess none of that is important besides the fact that I’m mixed.

Basically, I am involved in a fandom with many mixed-race characters that I love. None that are specifically mixed like I am (well besides one character whose mom is native and dad is white, though his mom was never revealed it’s a popular fan theory so I’ll just go with it) and other notable mixed characters are Arab/white, Chinese/white, etc. Writing this out I kind of realize that all of these mixed characters are mostly half white lol. But, that is also kind of the problem.

I’ve noticed a real… I don’t want to say racist but really discriminatory and hurtful attitude towards these mixed characters that really hurts my feelings as a mixed person myself. Basically people ignoring their mixed heritage and opting to just refer to them as ‘Arab’ and ‘Chinese’ and whatnot. Which is fine on the surface, but then I see people start talking about how disgusting it is that these characters have a white parent and that it would be much better if they were ‘pure’ POC. Which is really… hurtful as someone who is mixed with a white parent. Sorry I’m not ‘pure’ enough for your liking?? I guess? What is the point of them even saying things like that? And I guess I want to know how I can bring it up to these people without them getting angry at me. I got really mad one time and said that trying to erase a mixed characters other parent is trying to erase their identity and you can’t just choose to accept half of someone you have to accept ALL of them or you accept no part of them but they just block me.

I don’t know I feel like they’re trying to be well meaning even if it’s in a really hurtful way, but then when I try to correct them they don’t even care so can I really call it well meaning? They outright ignore the fact that the characters are canonically mixed and choose to just present them as ‘pure POC’ which they act like it’s somehow ‘superior’ to being mixed. I already don’t fit in anywhere I go and I feel like neither side will ever accept me and now I feel like this pervasive fandom attitude just kind of confirms all my fears. Sometimes I wish I was fully one or the other. I liked your other posts about being mixed and how you weren’t ‘half’ of anything you were fully all of them and I’m trying to internalize that but all these people and their hurtful comments make it hard. Like they’re not making these comments about me specifically, but I see what they say about fictional characters that are like me so it’s :/

I guess I just want to know how to convince them that mixed people are worthy of telling stories about too and how we aren’t lesser just because we are mixed? How do I tell these people to get over their discomfort with acknowledging the heritage of mixed characters? I’m not very good at articulating these sorts of things.

And sorry this was so long 😢

This is a bit of an older ask, and I've left it sit in my askbox for a while because I'm honestly not sure if I even have any advice for you.

The biggest things I suppose would be

A: remember that fandoms really aren't known for acknowledging the nuance of, like, literally anything that can be polarized. Unfortunately, that includes race and racial mixing.

B: sometimes you have to be the change you want to see. And I know. I know it sucks when you always have to be that person. But sometimes that is truly the only solution. Exist happily as yourself, be content in your own mixed race identity, talk about it when you feel up to it, and those who see it will be touched by you. Perhaps they may even catch on, and start to spread a healthier way of looking at the mixed race characters within your fandom.

C: stop giving a shit what other people think. Be you. You will find people who love you for you. Fuck all the others who reject you for being yourself, and don't force yourself into an easily digestible box for those who would barely glance your way regardless.

[susiecarter]

I know you wrote alot of different superbat tropes and I'm not sure if you're taking suggestions but I don't think you've covered a jealousy trope. I'd love to see Clark helplessly jealous of Bruce and all his beautiful men/ women he dates and Bruce genuinely being none the wiser of thinking maybe Clark is avoiding him all of a sudden is because he's come to his senses and realised that Bruce's friendship is a waste of time or the reason for Clark being rude ( or as rude as someone like Clark can be ) to some of his dates is because he's annoyed with brucie Wayne and his airheadedness / fakeness . And then Clark just loses it when confronted and confesses how he feels and then they have life changing sex lmao !

:D Hi, anon! You're not wrong, haha, I am ALL ABOUT the tropes—and while I have to admit that part of the reason I've never written a fic focused on jealousy is because jealousy doesn't usually tickle my id particularly well (especially with these guys, because I enjoy their delicious angst the most when they're feeling insecure and unsure of themselves emotionally = they're usually holding themselves back/deliberately trying not to put themselves forward as an option :'D) ...

... I have to admit that the way you are framing this prompt is working for me VERY MUCH INDEED. *______*! Your parenthetical is totally correct, Clark being genuinely rude to an innocent third party is kind of a hard sell :D and basically all of the rest of this, I love—the more I think about it, the more I can buy Clark feeling Some Kind of Way about all the gorgeous models (dudes, ladies, neither, Bruce Wayne is ~flexible) Bruce has on his arm all the time, one second wishing that that were him and the next second telling himself not to be so stupid (and it's not precisely that he'd LIKE having lots of people staring at him, flashes going off in his face, all of that—but it wouldn't be about Superman, it would be because he was with Bruce, because he was Bruce's and everyone was seeing him be Bruce's, and he'd have Bruce's attention, too, the headiest part of all—) ... and also feeling a certain uncharitable degree of, like, frustration, because none of these people actually know Bruce, and so it's annoying to watch them be dismissive or patronizing toward ~Bruce Wayne~; he wouldn't be like that, he respects Bruce, he cares about who Bruce actually is, he'd be grateful if Bruce gave him the time of day and he'd do whatever he could to be worthy of it ... and also being afraid he couldn't get Bruce, or if he got him, couldn't keep him, when he'd have to compete with people who look like that, people who can swan their way through upscale parties just as smoothly as Bruce can, people who are glamorous and confident and important. ;-;

And OF COURSE he'd tie himself into a huge ugly knot about it, of course he'd get himself worked up in his head over it until he can't stand to watch Bruce smile and ~bedroom eyes~ at and kiss EVEN ONE MORE OF THESE GD RANDOS, and OF COURSE Bruce would take that carefully imposed distance at least ten wrong ways at once and decide he must be the problem. :'D I will never get tired of writing Clark snapping in the face of Bruce's unwillingness to believe Clark genuinely wants him and articulating his actual feelings as forcefully as he can figure out how to, AND *clenches fists* YES, LIFE-CHANGING SEX INDEED. :DDDDD

So, yeah, as always, I can make you no promises, but if I do actually manage to write this idea, I will 100% give all credit to this ask (and/or to you directly, if you want to send me a follow-up with a username I can attribute! IF NOT NO WORRIES ♥ and seriously, thank you so much for the ask and the prompt!)

[cripplecharacters]

hi! long ask up next.

I'm not sure if this is the right blog for this question, i'm really sorry if it's not. I'm part of a theatre class/group that is putting on Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream. The teacher has a very specific vision in mind that i generally vibe with. However, she's asking me to play a character in a way that might be offensive. I play two characters, one of them is Snug. There's a play within the play that an incompetent artisan theatre troupe is putting on, which snug is a part of. In our version, snug is meant to have a speech impediment (the teacher hasnt given me more specific directions on how to talk). I did a bit of research and decided that my version of snug has dysarthria (no dysphasia or aphasia) from a degenerative disease that he inherited from his dad. Im trying to play him as having distorsion and omission type articulation errors, in the initial and medial positions respectively, but it's been very hard for me to consistently play him like that becuase i dont have his disability. The only correction the teacher has given me so far is to speak slower so my dialogue is more comprehensible.

Now, i shouldn't have, but i did watch some scenes on youtube with snug in them. And none of the versions i saw give him a speech sound disorder, from what i could tell. What most versions do have in common though, is that the artisans who are putting on the play are, for lack of a better term, meant to be "dumb". Snug specifically has a line which i didn't realize was supposed to be a dig at his own intelligence until i saw a clip. The line is:

Have you the lion's part written? pray you, if it be, give it me, for I am slow of study.

In the video i saw, the actor paused briefly after saying "slow", for emphasis:

for I am slow... of study.

I'm autistic and i know what it's like for people to assume i'm "slow" because of how i talk, and i don't want to promote those stereotypical views.

What makes this whole conundrum more complicated for me is that our version is going to be (sort of?) a musical. And my teacher is adamant on me rapping an eminem song. I thought this would be fun but thinking about it more carefully i worry that the joke might be that snug is faking his disability for some reason, and that he can actually speak "normally".

sorry if some of this isnt clear, english is not my first language.

Anon S

Hello! I wanted to address this ask as a former actor and current student studying speech language pathology as well as someone with an articulation disorder.

You can give a backstory in your head as detailed as you want - and as an actor this is a good thing, and something you should do with every role no matter how complicated or simple - but the unfortunate truth is most audience members are not going to interpret it exactly the same way without the same context. You may be thinking of portraying a mixed dysarthria (and there are many types of dysarthria, from spastic to flaccid to ataxic, to mixed that will all have difference in sound quality, articulation, and rate) but unless it's written somewhere the audience, who is just noticing a slow rate and articulation errors, and who may not even be aware of what dysarthria is, may think your character has some dialect or strange difference they don't recognize.

From my knowledge of the play, the Rude Mechanicals are meant to be laughed at and this falls into the idea that people with certain speech patterns or disorders are funny or silly or even, yes, stupider than others. However, there's not much you can do about this if your director is insistent other than refuse to treat your character as a joke. I would feel better about a character with consistent errors and whose disability was thought through than one who wasn't, even with a character like a Rude Mechanical.

As for a disability disappearing during a rap, for something like stuttering that would make sense but not for an articulation disorder and certainly not for dysarthria, which causes a slower rate normally and can cause articulation issues due to coordination of the parts used to speak (not only the mouth but also the soft and hard palates and the lungs, for example). I would talk to your director about what the point of the rap is - is it to be funny? is it to show another side of him? why does this character need a speech disorder? why does this character need to rap, and why does the speech disorder need to be dropped during the rap?

If you can talk with your director and figure out what the vision is for some honestly bizarre choices it may help you figure out if you're on the right track (and if dysarthria is the right choice for a disorder for your character, as well). As always, if anyone has advice or input please feel free to add it!

[queer-reader-07]

op could you elaborate on the she/her muriel thing. because i totally get what you mean but i find it so hard to articulate why... its just like. mmmmm. canon they/them character. but you wont respect their prns. but then again i enjoy when people get genderwierd w the ineffable spouses. would you respect my prns if you cant even respect a fictional character. is that the same thing. idk.

hi anon! i'll try best to elaborate, but apologies in advance if it comes off a bit... intense?

to give some context to my words:

i am nonbinary

i am afab

my pronouns are they/them

most everyone with the exception of close friends and people on the internet misgender me with she/her pronouns because they perceive me as a woman.

i think the root of it for me is that muriel has no experience interacting with earth, let alone humans, before they're sent down to be Inspector Constable. and because they have no experience with humans, they most definitely have very little context for the human construct that is gender. muriel's pronouns are they/them because those are the default gender neutral pronouns in english. muriel (like the other angels and demons) is referred to with they/them pronouns because, for all intents and purposes, they don't have gender.

whereas aziraphale and crowley (and even gabriel to a certain extent) have interfaced with humanity enough to have developed some level of understanding regarding gender, and possibly even an understanding of what they want their gender to be/be perceived as.

additionally, crowley and aziraphale play with gender in a way that feels very intentional to me.

crowley has canonically, in the show, presented femme. meta writers far more skilled than me have examined how, during the crucifixion scene, crowley is very obviously dressed more like the women in the background than the men. and it's not just in the historical flashbacks that we see crowley's genderfuckery. his modern look is comprised of a combination of femme and masc pieces. he wears a woman's cut waistcoat and his "11 years ago" look features women's sunglasses. all while inhabiting a decidedly man-shaped body.

i'm also just going to remind the audience that crowley outright denies being "a lad" in season 2. he straight up told us he's not A Dude.

aziraphale's genderfuckery is definitely less obvious and some might say debatable. that being said, i would make the argument that aziraphale's tendency to dress and present in a way that results in him being almost universally perceived as not only A Gay Man, but an effeminate gay man at that, is a quintessential example of gender as performance. and i do believe that aziraphale is making a very conscious and deliberate choice to present as a gay man. for fuck's sake he calls himself THE Southern Pansy, he knows what he's doing.

also, i know it didn't actually happen, but we almost got both of them presenting femme in the 60s so like. there's that too.

so, to me, it's ok to fuck around with crowley and aziraphale's genders in fanfic and art and the like because they do so canonically. the book makes it very clear that they are "man-shaped" but not necessarily men, ie they have chosen bodies that are perceived as being A Gender but that doesn't mean they technically are.

whereas muriel does not. muriel doesn't have a concept of gender because they haven't been on earth or around humans long enough to develop one. they are only ever referred to with gender neutral language. so it just feels really gross to me when people choose to she/her them. because to me it feels like saying "well this body that appears woman-shaped to me must mean they are a woman" which is a sentiment i, unfortunately, know all too well.

muriel is a character that is canonically referred to with they/them pronouns, on a major TV show on a major streaming platform no less. so it really fucking sucks to see people disregard that because they "can't remember to they/them muriel" or because they "seem like they use she/her."

to put it bluntly, every single argument i've ever read in favor of she/her-ing muriel has boiled down to "i just can't be bothered to remember they use they/them" and if you can't use a fictional characters pronouns correctly then i have zero faith you can use a real person's pronouns correctly. all i hear when i read those arguments is "i can't be fucked to do the bare minimum of gendering trans people correctly."

and lastly, i know it's genderfuckery when people she/her aziraphale and crowley because they're "man shaped" in the book and played by male actors in the show. but i don't have much faith that it's genderfuckery when people she/her muriel because i can almost guarentee it happens for no other reason than the fact that Quelin Sepulveda is a woman.

[myworld-collapsing]

finally dropping this for zero, and his redesign ! there are, truthfully, some more characters to be listed but i have either forgotten them or am having an extremely hard time articulating my thoughts, so ill just offer these for now . .

sirius belongs to @junebluues ! ( i hope this helps with things : D ! ill release a interaction between him and sirius soon . . )

explanations from left to right & from up to down !

——————————————————————————————————

till - alien stage : yeagh, it’s generally the yearning and the feelings . though for different reasons and in different ways .

like june said and suggested, sirius makes zero feel like something . they make him want to be something . he in his own way, yearns to be seen and understood by sirius . ( maybe even loved . but that is a far, faraway dream he detaches himself from . )

he doesn’t really act on these feelings, though . ( in fact, it’d probably even seem hes avoiding them at times ) he doesn’t need sirius to show interest or even like him in return, he just needs them to be their truest self always, and be genuinely happy in those and their circumstances, for him .

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sua - alien stage :

from their shared original lack of life and dehumanization, and how they are both eventually brightened by another .

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sunny - omori :

more on a surface level . they both share the shyness and quietness, but also the lacks in self - esteem and worth, as well as zero also being frustrated easily . he’s good in about all fields, but truly doesn’t have any fondness towards any of his “ talents “ . instead, he resents them all . there’s a reason for this, but since it’s pretty simple, ill probably discuss it further later, but i wont put it on here .

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sakura nanamine - toilet - bound hanako kun / tbhk :

also more on a surface level ! they’re both pretty aloof and don’t express their emotions very often .

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nina - artiswitch :

they’re the most similar, in my opinion . both empty and hollow as people, with their shared lack of feelings of belonging to, well, anywhere . they also both have a person who starts them on a path of change . when zero finally starts to try to be something, to help himself, he also starts to try to help others . well, kinda . he’s just a bit more open to others, id say . . it’s not very easy to articulate my exact feelings about these 2 but please just trust me guys 😭

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me :

i would be lying if i said i didn’t insert some of my own self into zero . . though it’s up to all of you to guess how much .

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extra notes ! : ( TW : i dont know how to do these properly . . but there is a purging mention . )

he has clinical depression . he doesn’t take antidepressants . - ( but, he does have many other assortments of prescriptions by his guardian, keirii . he keeps all of these in a specific drawer particularly to keep his roommate ( who anyone is free to ask to be ! ) from reaching them and possibly overdosing . )

although i didn’t include it in his profile, one of his least favorite things is eating . he has a quite sensitive stomach, and often feels sick after eating . he purges because of this . - ( he was once confined to anakt’s clinic for a month because of more severe incident of this tendency . )

he had a lobotomy - like operation done on him when he was young, by keirii of course, ( she prefers non - emotional organisms ) and barely survived it . - ( he can of course still feel emotions from how he feels towards sirius ( ill actually expand on these later, but for now, zero can’t put an exact label on them . ), but they’ve been hardwired to just be not as strong . )

his guardian, keirii, generally specializes in the study of the max of the physical and mental endurances of individual organisms, and death processes when the limit is finally crossed . - ( she often conducts her studies and experiments on humans, wagyeins, and sometimes when she is permitted to, the corpses of segyein . they’re often of a wide range of diversity in each individual species . because of her high profile in the industry, and known rare race in birth, she often has rare types of test subjects present . )

zero was luckily, spared these treatments .

but, keirii did occasionally let him overview some of her ongoing projects, and files or recordings of these as well . because of this, zero does have a general understanding and ability in the field .

he might have had a forced transition . i have a feeling keirii would much prefer a son over a daughter . .

like dante, ( @rockwgooglyeyes ) in a way, zero doesn’t appear that often . he doesn’t do this on purpose though . - ( also to note, he actually doesn’t have anything against dante . he’s aware, that, although he’d like it, he doesn’t deserve and isn’t entitled to nothing and or anything from sirius . dante seems to make sirius truly happy, and zero is grateful to dante for that . )

he’s allergic to eggs, so he can’t really eat much either way . though im sure he gets specially tailored meals ( that he doesn’t eat 90 % of the time ) payed for by keirii .

there is an issue with his collar ( or him ) that makes it so, whenever he has one on, it never displays any emotion indicating color onto the light, remaining a nuetral gray that’s only present when collars aren’t being worn . he often gets his collars changed weekly or monthly for this, even though there’s no difference .

he straight up doesn’t have a name and was never given one . . he’s just labeled by the only number in his id 😭

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anyways, if anyone would like to be friends or uhm partners with my sopping wet sad alley cat of a boy, don’t be afraid to ask ! here or in my asks or discord, either ways are fine : D !

i think there could possibly be an opening for a friend in his incident ? he did collapse right after in the bathroom, and im sure someone would have had to found him and brought him to the clinic .

another concept would be whoever helps him during his recovery . although they wouldn’t be there all the time, im sure they’d take daily visits to give him his classwork, and also to get him his lunch and medicine and make sure he consumes both without promptly throwing it all up, among other things . if no one steps up to it though, im sure a segyein would be able to do it .

ill probably be updating his profile soon, but,

im changing it back, his voice claim is chogakusei’s vocals in this cover,

and id also say this instrumental kind of matches his overall vibe !