#all the Batkids are absolute menaces

[spooksify]

Batman and his kids

I need more Batfam fics that revolve around the JL having no idea who Batman is and has like zero clue that the bat kids have any relation to Batman. Like they are completely unaware that Nightwing has been doing the whole vigilante thing since he was a kid and that he was originally robin and that he’s actually Batman’s kid and at some point during some sort of mission they finally piece it together and are completely baffled, that Batman, dark and brooding Batman, has a kid (more than one actually) and is a father figure who isn’t actually broody and gruff all the time. It would be even funnier if the JL fully thought Batman didn’t have a secret identity in general, like they just thought he sat around in a cave all day until he was needed on duty. :p

[incrediblyaccuratethoughts]

I’m Gonna Tell ‘Em (Don’t you Dare)

Ao3

Tim just wanted coffee. That’s really all he desired in life. Coffee. His position as Red Robin. And Wayne Industries to get its shit together for one goddamn day. In that order.

“Are you shitting me? I was a fucking crime lord you little terror, I don’t give a fuck-”

He���d done an all-nighter in the Batcave. Again. Trying to crack a cold case he was sure had something to do with Riddler's vague warning a few nights ago. And he was so close, but his eyes had started to close for just a little too long.

So tell him why he walked into an argument that seemed to be based around the topic of murder, at 7 in the morning. Between Jason and Damian. Who both tried to kill him at least once. Respectively.

“And I am the Demon Prodigy of the League of Assassins. I could kill a man before I could speak.”

Tim stands in the doorway, contemplating if his need for coffee is higher than his potential rate of getting maimed in the dining room.

“Yeah, but you were fucking sheltered inside the bases like goddamn Rapunzel in her-”

“I was not sheltered. You of all people should know of Mother’s harshness for disobedience-“

“Oh and I’m sure you were so disobedient Mr. Goody Two Shoes-“

Ultimately, the urge for coffee wins. Tim crosses the kitchen as unnoticeably as he can, skirting the edges and keeping his footsteps as light as he can manage on 10 hours of sleep in the last week.

He’s busy, okay?

“I’ll admit I wasn’t raised to go against the orders of a higher-up but that did not mean-”

“Bull. Fucking. Shit.”

“Did my propensity for sneaking animals into the house escaped your notice? I thought you were better trained-“

“So what? You save every bird with a broken wing you come across, but you’d willingly slit the throat of a human?”

“Yes, Todd. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

The coffee pot is half full. Tim counts this as the one redeeming factor of this morning. The threat of getting stabbed is nothing in the face of sweet, sweet caffeine.

“What’s your fucking number then?”

“I can’t possibly know the exact-“

“Oh no, you don’t get to pull that shit on me-“

Tim considers pouring himself a cup, but he’s gonna drink the whole thing anyway and he’s exhausted enough to zone out during Alfred’s inevitable lecture, so he takes the whole pot and tips it back.

“I was sent out for missions when I was barely more than a toddler. You can’t expect me to remember every-“

“Ra’s had files on every fucking mission I did while brain dead and high on Lazarus rage, there’s no fucking way he didn’t have an exact-“

Tim chugs his precious coffee. The temperature is surprisingly cool enough that he doesn't immediately burn his tongue. Not that a few scorched taste buds would stop Tim from inhaling the only thing between him and unconscious. But it’s the thought that counts.

“What’s yours then, Todd?”

“Nope. Not until you tell me yours first. I’m not about to have you raise the number because I told you mine.”

“That’s preposterous. I would do no such thing.”

Tim calculates his chances of making it back out of the kitchen with a quarter pot of coffee in his hands and decides his caffeine fix is safer off with a few counters between him and his homicidal brothers.

And yah know. His physical well-being. But that’s pretty low on his ‘fucks to give list’ at the moment.

“I don’t trust a fucking word coming out of your mouth-“

“There’s an easy way to settle this if you’d just-“

“What? Shut up? Drop the argument? No fucking-“

“We can write it down separately and then show it to each other at the same time."

“…huh.”

Tim looks up in genuine fear when both of his siblings go quiet. That’s never a good sign. Not in this house.

There’s a window to his right that he could probably smash through if it came to it.

Neither of them are looking at him though, just regarding each other with much less animosity than a few seconds ago. Tim decides he’s probably fine and goes back to his coffee.

“I will go retrieve a piece of paper and two pens.”

Damian leaves the room and Tim freezes like if he stays still enough it’ll keep Jason from noticing him. Unfortunately, now that his older brother’s attention is directed to his surroundings and not just screaming at a 12-year-old, he makes direct eye contact with Tim.

“Oh hey, Timmers. How long have you been here?”

Tim stares at him blankly. He- doesn’t know what answer Jason wants from him and he’s not willing to face his older brother’s wrath if he’d been having what he thought was a private conversation.

“Sorry about the noise. I hope we didn’t wake you up.” Jason says after it’s clear that he isn't getting answers out of Tim.

As if the manor isn’t literally soundproofed. For this exact reason.

Tim’s 17 years of social etiquette training won’t let him just not answer the open-ended comment, but god does he wish that it did.

“No, I was already up.”

Jason nods as if he was expecting that answer. Which is fair. Tim’s sure he looks just as tired as he feels. His eye bags could hold all of his emotional trauma. They’re Guchi.

“And does Alfred know you’re drinking straight from the pot?” Jason motions to the carafe Tim’s clutching like a lifeline. Because it is.

Tim opens his mouth to lie through his teeth, but is saved by Damian’s re-entry. Wow, he’s never been so glad to see his stab-happy younger brother.

True to his word, the kid’s carrying a few pieces of paper and pens. Tim could leave now. He could casually walk right past them, out of the kitchen, and back to the cave to keep working on his case, but dammit, he’s invested now.

He’s still not sure what this argument is about exactly, but he’s willing to wait a few more minutes to satiate his curiosity now that he’s tentatively sure that the argument isn’t going to evolve into physical violence.

“I’ve acquired the tools to finish this once and for all, Todd.” Damian announces, sliding half of his spoils to Jason.

“Great. We’ll write our body count down and on 3 we’ll turn ‘em around. Got it?”

“Don’t tell me what to do” Damian grumbles, but writes dutifully anyway. The kid would be funny if he didn’t back his threats up with swords.

Tim is. Still lost, but he’s always secretly wondered how many people his brothers have killed. In a morbid way. Mostly because he wants to know if the murder attempts on him were a particularly special event or just a pattern. For his mental health's sake.

“Got it?” Jason asks, holding his paper close to his chest so no one can peek. Tim doesn’t know who would, considering he’s the only one in the kitchen that’s not a part of this squabble, but Damian copies the movement and Tim finds himself inching closer, taking the last swig of his coffee.

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three!”

They flip the papers around and for a moment the kitchen is quiet.

“FUCK YEAH!” Jason pumps his fist in the air with a whoop. “Ha! Take that, Demon Brat! I’m the Robin with the highest kill count!”

Tim spits out his coffee and coughs violently. It’s partially because he got some in his lungs, but also to cover the incredulous laughter bursting uncontrollably out of him. It takes him a good few seconds to get his breathing under control, but when he looks up, his brothers are staring at him.

For a moment he’s tempted. So fucking tempted. Because he hasn’t told anyone anything more than bits and pieces about his time with the League. Hell, the only reason his family even knows about his little stint playing lap dog for Ra’s, is because he choked out a vague explanation about his missing spleen when he went into sepsis.

They don’t know about the missions he was sent on. The people he sold out. And most importantly, the multiple bases he blew up because he was crazier than the Joker after Bart and Kon’s death and then the near miss with Bruce.

The bases he absolutely didn’t evacuate. With hundreds of people inside. A few actually avalanched down mountainsides, and he’d eat his Batarang if any of them survived.

The only word he’d confidently use to describe his mental state then, is feral.

He didn’t have to blow them up. He really didn’t. A good few of the bases he’d never actually seen before he snuck in to level the place, but he’d been having a shitty year so naturally, he was going to make sure Ra’s got to have one too.

Not to mention that Tim was as depressed as he’d ever been and wasn’t particularly giving a lot of fucks about if he died during his warpath. He’d already lost a spleen, what were a few more organs?

So this argument? This competition? He finds it objectively fucking hilarious.

Damian and Jason are still staring at him in bewilderment, and for a moment -just a wild moment- he thinks about telling them.

Explaining how he was just. So done. And could only think of one way out, so he systematically hacked into every base he could get his hands on. Stole as many files as he could during his time constraint. And then blew all of them sky-high.

Thought about telling them how on one particularly bad night, gone through every log of the people in those bases. How he hadn’t been ‘sick’ as he claimed the week after he managed to crawl out of his safe house.

He was just too horrified to look anyone in the eye.

It would be funny to watch his family’s expressions go through the five stages of grief and add a few more just for funsies, if they even believed him at all. But no. Tim had his secrets and he was going to take them to the grave.

He grinned at his brothers, patted Jason on the shoulder with a quiet congratulations, and strolled out of the kitchen.

Tim had cases to solve and letting his family assume he wasn’t capable of murder was better for all of them in the long run.

No matter how wrong they were.

👻

In my defense. Writing prompts make the brain noodle go brr. You can blame @coffinbirds and @batcavescolony for these posts.

[cephalog0d]

Batfics - "Something In Your Pocket"

Title: Something In Your Pocket

Rating: Teen and Up (language, mentioned alcohol)

Category: Gen

Characters/Relationships: Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Tim Drake (mentioned)

Word Count: 1,313

((This title was a joke and then A Certain Someone persuaded me to keep it so now here we are and every time I read it in my files I get this stupid song stuck in my head))

Jason might not have any idea what the hell this particular scheme was about but he had a very good idea of how involved he wanted to be in it, which was “not at all”.

Which of course meant that before he could execute his updated plan of quietly getting the fuck out of there Dick caught his gaze and his broad fake-drunk smile went bright and sharp in a look Jason recognized (with no small amount of foreboding since it had historically preceded everything from creating headlines that gave Bruce a migraine to straight up running for their lives) as Dick Grayson Getting An Idea.

Well, shit.

(Full text under the cut or over on AO3)

Things had been suspiciously quiet recently, at least relatively speaking. There hadn't been much above the normal level of Gotham Shittiness, which almost certainly meant that there was a huge shitstorm brewing on the horizon and they just hadn’t caught wind of it yet. Obviously there was plenty of Bat-themed surveillance going on at any given moment in Gotham, but sometimes a more direct approach was more useful and Jason, unlike some people, didn’t have to try very hard to blend in with the less savory side of the city. (For example, he looked older than twelve, which was helpful considering the kind of places Gotham’s criminal element liked to gather.)

So, in the interest of not being totally blindsided by whatever catastrophe was coming, he was dressed in his most nondescript civilian clothes and headed to one of the multitude of grungy bars that collected unscrupulous Gothamites like Batman collected child sidekicks, planning to grab a beer and keep an ear out for any interesting chatter. Assuming he didn’t hear about any dire and immediate plots to blow up the city or poison the water supply or unleash a swarm of genetically modified wasps, he could then go home and eat leftover Thai food, update some files, and maybe see if he could prod Tim into another angry nerd spiral by sending him terrible and extremely fake "unexplained phenomena" internet videos.

Of course, because it was his life, that fell apart basically the minute he walked into the bar he had chosen as his recon site. It was instinct to quickly scan the room, noting exits and occupants and choosing where he was going to settle in and listen. What he was not expecting was to have his gaze snag on a very familiar face in the otherwise unremarkable crowd.

Or mostly familiar.

The combination of dim lightning and some light disguise work was enough to throw off any casual observers, but it just gave Jason an unsettling uncanny valley feeling because behind the dark contacts and subtle contour-shifting makeup that was very definitely an extremely fake-drunk Dick Grayson, laughing and swaying and apparently oblivious to the carefully performative air of danger from the group of (vaguely familiar probably mob?) guys he was with.

Which was emphatically Not Jason's Problem.

In fact, it was a good reason to bail and find a different bar to lurk in. Dick was (infuriatingly) good at undercover work, and more than capable of taking care of himself, and there were decent odds he had at least one little bird on standby for backup. (Jason had a mental image of Damian trying to gain entry to the bar, either as Robin or as a civilian, which would be a hilarious disaster and he kind of wanted to see it.) Whatever operation Dick was running, he did not need anyone's help, never mind Jason's.

More importantly, Jason might not have any idea what the hell this particular scheme was about but he had a very good idea of how involved he wanted to be in it, which was “not at all”.

Which of course meant that before he could execute his updated plan of quietly getting the fuck out of there Dick caught his gaze and his broad fake-drunk smile went bright and sharp in a look Jason recognized (with no small amount of foreboding since it had historically preceded everything from creating headlines that gave Bruce a migraine to straight up running for their lives) as Dick Grayson Getting An Idea.

Well, shit.

Jason rapidly ran through options. Plan A: Leave without getting spotted, obviously already blown. Plan B: Leave anyway and risk the probability that Dick was just enough of a spiteful asshole to turn it into a big attention-grabbing scene. Plan C: Punch his dumbass brother in the face and then leave, upgrading from risk to certainty on the big attention-grabbing scene outcome. Plan D: resign himself to “yes, and”ing whatever bullshit he was about to get handed.

Dick broke away from the group and moved towards Jason, calling out what was either “Hey” or “Jay”, Jason couldn’t quite tell (although it better have been the former, because opsec, shithead). The men Dick had been with (definitely some flavor of Gotham underworld, definitely armed) had followed Dick’s attention and noticed Jason, and he had just enough time to quietly mourn Plan A’s viability and decide that at least if he played along he’d have some control over whatever narrative was happening here instead of just generating a whole lot of suspicious questions and potential unknown future problems for both of them (but more importantly him) before Dick stumbled into him.

It was a carefully calculated maneuver, Dick not actually making much contact or losing his footing while making it look like the kind of drunken stagger that would leave him one helping hand away from faceplanting on the sticky floor. Jason probably could have held his ground even against the kind of collision it looked like easily enough, but he wasn’t a highly trained vigilante at the moment, he was just Some Guy out at a bar, so he shifted with the motion as if it had actually jarred him and reached to stop Dick from completely toppling over as Dick slung an arm around his waist, ostensibly for balance.

The men Dick had just left were watching them with mixed curiosity and suspicion and Jason surreptitiously kept one eye on them while he tipped his head slightly towards Dick’s, half so he could lower his voice and half to help hide the movement of his lips in case any of them were watching that closely.

“How worried should I be about whatever the fuck you just dropped into my pocket?” he asked. There were a lot of possibilities, none of which he could confirm without giving things away but many of which would land solidly on the “very” end of the scale.

Dick mostly righted himself, although he was still fake-leaning into Jason a bit. He shot Jason a quick, stealthy wink, still grinning, which was the exact opposite of reassuring, although Jason suspected it wasn’t meant to be, because sometimes Dick really lived up to his name.

“You should come meet my friends!” he slurred, swaying hard back towards the group he had just left and trying (with a very sober amount of strength and coordination, which Jason did not appreciate) to tug Jason with him. He had mostly plastered on the same easy, drunken smile he had had before he spotted Jason, but there was still just a little bit of an edge to it, an unspoken "I dare you" that threw Jason back to when he was a lot smaller and a little less cynical and Dick was less of a (debatably) serious and responsible adult and more of a fucking menace in a terrible V-neck costume.

Jason knew better than to take the bait, of course. He had plenty of vivid memories of how that usually went (making himself sick proving how many chili dogs he could eat at once, nearly losing a finger trying to juggle batarangs, jumping on goddamn trains). But.

He was maybe (definitely) enough of a spiteful asshole himself that he didn’t want to give his brother the satisfaction of just backing down from the challenge, especially not if he could turn the tables on him. And he was a little curious about exactly what the fuck he had stumbled into. So…fuck it. Not like he had something more interesting planned for the evening, and this probably wasn’t going to get him killed.

(And if it looked like it was going that way, he already had whatever Dick had smuggled into his pocket. He could always just throw Dick at them and run.)

(Dick could handle it.)

(Probably.)

(It was all his idea, anyway.)

((This scenario definitely does not rapidly devolve into these two improvising things to try and trip each other up.

(Unfortunately for Jason, Dick is basically immune to embarrassment normally, never mind when he's pretending to be happily drunk anyway.)

The really fun part comes later when Dick has to try and get his MacGuffin back because there's no way that doesn't end in a chase and/or fight.

Please also consider:

Jason sending Tim videos like "Look, Tim, it's a UFO!"

Tim: First of all, that's just Killer Moth, and second of all, you know aliens are real, Jason, they're not unexplained.

Jason: But what about this Bigfoot video?

Tim: That's just a bear.))

[everwistfully]

So we all know that, in reality, Dick was the most violent and biggest menace of the Robins but everyone also thinks he’s the golden child.

With that said, you cannot convince me that he doesn’t use that fully to his advantage and absolutely troll the heck out of the batkids.

He’ll pull pranks on the batkids and they’ll all blame someone else even though Dick was conveniently in the “wrong place at the wrong time” but all the kids are just convinced it couldn’t be Dick based on the nature of the prank alone.

This continues to go on for years! And each time Alfred of Bruce walk in on the aftermath, they’ll take in the scene and then either stare into the invisible camera Office Style or they’ll just make eye contact with each other, sigh and walk away.

Finally he genuinely gets caught in the act and he ALMOST gets away with it still! Because of how in denial the kids are. But he doesn’t get away with it and this starts a whole blown out argument where everyone gets called in so they can confront Dick while he just kinda smiles sheepishly and shrugs. Until Alfred or Bruce walk in and just mutter under their breath a “finally” and this starts the argument all over ten fold where no one is left unscathed.

[redsray]

i have recently been brainrotting about a batkids racing au. all of them have either shitty home-lives or have had their home-lives taken away and all turn to the concepts of semi-legal street racing as an outlet. in the process, they meet people perhaps in the same boat-- perhaps a family.

Dick

around 21, has been racing since he was 15

likes riding smaller cars. the tighter fit the better. if it's not sleek and swervy he doesn't want it.

had caring parents who he travelled the world with by car, but they died in a car crash when he was 11. due to lack of living relatives, he was in the foster system for 4 years before Barry (Allen) took him in. he never saw Barry as a father, however, and was never officially adopted. basically Wally's roommate and Bart's older brother figure in a way.

Wally introduced him to the street racing world, and despite being very very reluctant at first (car crash trauma), Wally showed him all the good parts of it and he's loved it ever since

experienced racer, everyone there loves him and he's well known as one of the top racers

Jason

20, been racing since 17

he generally prefers driving motorcycles but make no mistake he will shred you no matter what racing vehicle you give him (he's competitive.) in terms of street/car racing he will go for anything with powerful acceleration.

his dad was a mechanic and Jason would sometimes help him out with car repairs when he was younger, although his dad would sometimes drop a bit too much workload on him and not really care for his well-being

mom was a recovering drug addict, cared for Jay but couldn't be around much due to both rehab and hospital visits

his dad was later arrested for underground drug dealing, dying in prison and his mom died of overdose. at 13, he was in the foster system for more or less a year before he ran, living on the streets for 3 more years, doing odd jobs.

at 16, he met Roy, who later (at 17) introduced him to street racing. Jason always had a knack for cars and with his natural talent he won quite a few of his first races, earning money from the betting pools and has been basically splitting rent and crashing with Roy ever since.

absolute MENACE of a racer. showed up at some point and basically showed most people up. can and will judge your car model. might steal your tires for the funsies.

Tim

18, new to the racing scene (been racing since 17) but knows A LOT about it through his own love for motorsports (he definitely has car posters in his room)

will drive any car. literally. he will just love it if you give him a car. in fact, give him a broken one so that he can make it BETTER than everyone else's.

lovely and wealthy parents, but they aren't around much. they honestly try their best, but when you're an only child in a big house it can get boring and lonely. he loves his parents and his mom was the one who first showed him motorsports when she was working on a business deal with a motorsport company (Tim got his first free car poster that day)

definitely takes pictures of cool cars he sees

as soon as he found out about the street racing ring in Gotham he immediately snuck in (age 15)

he would come practically every night he could and made friends with the younger racers (bart, cassie, kon) (they 100% would go to him for geeky car tech tips)

one time bart was sick for a race and cassie and kon asked tim to step in for him on the team, tim did-- he performed so naturally well that he caught the attention of other racers, decided to stay with the YJ team permanently

commonly referred to as a rising star, a prodigy in the racing scene

Damian

15, literally raised into motorsports. god knows when he drove his first car. he started officially racing in the street ring only recently, but already has a reputation as one of the best

preference for aerodynamic cars. the sleeker the better for him.

commonly underestimated by new racers

bruce is still his bio dad, he literally funds most the betting pools and co-runs the street racing ring under the guise of a totally normal auto repair store

hella competitive, will do everything to outshine you especially if you look down on him

LOVES painting on his car. like everyone customises theirs to a certain point but Damian will sit there for hours just painting on it.

does NOT care for the betting pools, if he wins he will just put all the money right back in. he just wants to win and beat you LMAO

[jonjaydami]

A jonjaydami headcanon.

The choas that would be released if and when Damians brothers find out he's dating another hero and the shovel talk that would soon be after. The thing is they already have Jonathan a shovel talk cause they had always kinda assumed they'd end up together but when they didn't they were not only shocked but super angry.

But of course they leave it alone cause they don't want to damage their little brothers friendships cause they know he doesn't have many but they notice slowly how much Jonathan and Jay start coming over.

Maybe once every other week becomes every week and then almost every day they are always catching Damian texting someone and smiling at his phone. They become confused.

Soon they start their own investigations cause is Damian dating someone? And on patrol maybe they find Damian sneaking a kiss to Jay and they absolutely loose it.

The theories just run wild!!

Jason: soooo our brothers a home wrecker?

Dick: noooo I raised him better then that!! :(

Tim: I just think it's like one of those stories with the love triangle?

Jason: I know you read wattpad and ao3 but leave it out of this

Tim: you know what wattpad is?

Cue to Damian overhearing this and deciding to be an absolute menace. I think from then on he ropes his boyfriends into pranking them by not knowing who's dating who until the batkids break down and finally sit Damian down to talk to him. Then the big reveal they were dating all along.

What surprises Damian is when money starts being passed around.

Damian: you made...bets?

Tim: well duh *rolls eyes*

Damian is about to kill him until Bruce walks in and raises an eyebrow.

Dick: they are all dating

Damian in shock: :0

Bruce just walks over to the table and grabs the biggest cash pile.

Bruce: by the way Jay is a very informative young man. I approve

All the batkids in shock- :0

Turns out he had already not only figured everything out but also went ahead and gave Jonathan and Jay a fatherly talk. Well as a fatherly one as batman can.

[ameba-from-space]

Hey, you're like one of two Batfam blogs I follow, and I could use some help. I've been stuck on a fic for months because I can't figure out how to write Duke. Any tips?

First things first you probably wanna read his we are robin run and the robin wars Keep in mind duke is not the perfect little boy/straight man to the batfam wacky adventures, this boy beat the riddler at a young age and started a insurgency he is just as chaotic as the rest of the family

here is a reading list i hope can help you with it but mostly just keep in mind that he is just as much as a menace as all of the other batkids and that no one is the absolute authority on a character so we can all have different interpretations of him

[redrobin-detective]

I had one of those half awake semi lucid dreams when I napped earlier where Bruce gets swapped with a younger version of himself, one who is Batman but before he adopts Dick. The whole dream was the JLA needing to call in another Bat to help get Bruce back to his own time. They end up debating which Bat to call in because their Bruce is an experienced, time hardened Dad who can handle anything his children throw at him. They all feel it is “Needlessly Cruel” to make this young 20 something Batman be subject to his hellion children who would eat him alive. 

And B is standing in the corner vibrating with concern because how many kids does his future self have and he’s concerned (and weirdly proud??) of the fact that the League is kind of freaked out by them.

[bruciemilf]

LOOK I AM IN FACT GONNA THROW HANDS WITH MY BRAIN FOR GIVING ME THIS IDEA WHEN IT REFUSES TO WORD - BUT BASICALLY???

YouTuber batkids, right? Batkids who want to connect, in some way, with the world they're protecting, - at least Dick, who started the whole fire, actually.

He has YouTube tutorials giving out gymnastics tips, stretching cheat codes, balancing a healthy routine with the occasional work out routine that's friendly for all body types and also talks about mental health

Tim happened to walk in on him telling the camera about someone named " Kori" who seems to be " out of this world" , and Tim is like OH COOL??? I WANNA DO THIS, TOO??? That event signed the birth of Wayne Enterprises prank compilations

I can see Jason bringing some limelight to BookTube again; He also gives out AMAZING writing tips, routines, provides college level advice and lessons for free, and he also has series where he's discussing literature tropes he's tired of/hates " Stop trying to fix him, youre not Dr. Frankenstein "

His most popular video is titled " Women In Literature: Are They Better Than Men? (SPOILER! They've always been.) " But he also bakes with Alfred a whole lot, as well as doing make-up and mystery videos with Tim

" Hold on, fuck, I ALWAYS mess up the eyeliner-" Bruce, a well known and lusted after cryptid on his kid's channels, simply pulls out a knife and does perfect wings before walking away

Bruce for the mom that brings kids fruits and doesn't know what the hell a vlog or stream is!!!

Jason games sometimes, mostly when he's on Duke and Steph's channel, and I physically NEED for Bruce to walk in, oversized superman sweater on, holding a plate of berries and oranges and he's like, " Jay, you have to eat your fruits-"

" I don't LIKE fruits"

" well, Tim's gonna be devasted, but you still NEED to"

Just Duke and Stephanie trying not to laugh while their big brother almost breaks his neck trying to run away from Bruce when the man wants to kiss his cheek

Damian can be seen causing mischief in the background of every video, regardless who's channel he's on, and the internet loves him as much as Bruce;

Stephanie has a " dami's zoo" series where she shows that little menace animal movies and he just roasts the absolute red jelly out of the producers; " The number of people who deserve oxygen lowers by the day"

[br-uwu-cewayne]

I feel like Brucie is an absolute menace on Twitter, full on Stuck In The Late Nineties College Girl Hoephase Chatspeak

meanwhile Batman full on Does Not Have a Twitter, and routinely requests (several times loudly within earshot of various reporters) that [current situation's relevant batkid]

"please make a 'chirp' on your web site about this so that the younger public can be informed."

and all the kids hate it so fucking much

[mytimeconsumingsidehobby]

I posted 756 times in 2021

26 posts created (3%)

730 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 28.1 posts.

I added 190 tags in 2021

#batman - 38 posts

#jason todd - 32 posts

#bruce wayne - 22 posts

#batfamily - 21 posts

#ao3 - 18 posts

#red hood - 13 posts

#dc - 12 posts

#loki - 12 posts

#lotr - 12 posts

#dick grayson - 10 posts

Longest Tag: 134 characters

#plus for irl friends to interact with me on tumblr i’d have to actually talk to people which is not something i do on a frequent basis

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Just came across this again and it made me laugh so now I’m yeeting it into the void to ensure it’s continued existence on the internet via this hellsite (affectionate).

63 notes • Posted 2021-07-09 05:17:58 GMT

#4

I made a uquiz full of entirely subjective questions to tell you what batkid (or friend) you are.

72 notes • Posted 2021-08-16 01:06:04 GMT

#3

I want to see every member of the Justice League being intimidated, if not low key terrified by Batman. Including the ones he actually considers friends. Better yet, he to some extent considers all of them friends. But he’s a scary dude, alright?

Except none of the kids think so. It probably started with the first Robin absolutely roasting Batman and somehow getting an entire container of chocolate chip cookies out of it.

Now don’t get me wrong, the kids all take Batman seriously, and respect the hell out of him, but they’re not scared of him.

He is Batdad™️.

At least two members of the JL had to make quick and discreet (but mostly quick) exits towards the bathrooms during a JL meeting in the last month due to the Batglare™️.

628 notes • Posted 2021-09-22 17:50:11 GMT

#2

HC that Talia formally adopted Jason because I’m here for Good Mom!Talia. And also because I find the following scenario absolutely hilarious:

Ra’s: YOU are an absolute DISGRACE! You will NEVER…

Damian: *rolls his eyes and walks away*

Ra’s: GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE…

—————

Ra’s: My greatest triumph. My greatest failure.

Bruce: You really don’t give up, do you.

Ra’s: I will have my heir, Detective. I…

Bruce: *resumes fight*

—————

Ra’s: Join me, Detective.

Tim: No.

Ra’s:

Ra’s:

Ra’s: Fine, you know what? I am not above begging. My protege left, my grandson abandoned me, and you are the last possibility standing between order and the inevitable chaos that will come if you…

Tim:

Tim:

Tim:

Ra’s: I feel like I lost you somewhere.

Tim: You think?

Ra’s: Consider this me begging then.

Tim: What could possibly be so bad? Aren’t you functionally immortal anyway?

—————

Jason: ‘Sup.

Ra’s:

Ra’s:

Ra’s: WHO LET THE MENACE BACK IN HERE? If you think for ONE SECOND that I will let this go without heads ROLLING, you…

Jason: Ah, I missed you too.

Jason: Oh, and Mom says hi.

Ra’s:

See the full post

1930 notes • Posted 2021-07-22 14:26:55 GMT

#1

Okay so we’ve all seen those headcanons where Batman is rumored to be dating Bruce Wayne, and that’s where he gets his funding to be Batman, etc. (an avenue of hilarity I have yet to grow bored of).

But now I want to see a universe where that is more than a rumor, and is instead generally assumed as fact.

Like, no matter what Bruce does, everyone just assumes he’s dating Batman. Nothing seems to dissuade people of that notion. Nothing.

Metropolis: Oh yes, we have this flying alien Boy Scout keeping us safe.

Fawcett City: We have a…demi-god? or something. He’s cool.

Central City: Our guy runs around stopping crime, but like, really fast.

Star City: We have a guy using a weapon that’s been obsolete for a few hundred years and we have no idea who he is, what are you talking about.

Gotham: We have Bruce Wayne’s sugar baby.

5591 notes • Posted 2021-10-17 05:48:30 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

Just to be clear, I have a side blog specifically for DC/Batman things I just occasionally post on the wrong blog and then you get this

[uvena]

thoughts on birds of prey

i know leto’s joker is awful and cringe but i would have really liked to have seen him interacting with harley... him as in the joker, not leto, like even just as a silhouette or offscreen, because the jump from suicide squad (2016) to birds of prey (2020) is technically fine but i really wish we could have seen the break down of the relationship... given us a more solid reason why harley left, why this time was the last time, and i would have expected him to at least make an appearance in the aftermath of their breakup. frankly i would like a showdown where she gets to murder him and feed him to bruce the hyena but that’s just me

roman sionis as a villain has some major arcs in the comics, especially in the taking over of gotham, his role in stephanie brown’s death, and his appearance in under the hood. i was really hoping he’d be some sort of recurring character because like... idk i would have liked to have seen it. ewan as roman was very funny and did him well but smth about it felt so... cheesy. which is fine if that’s what the movie was going for but i wanted... more. i wanted more about his need to prove himself to his family, the descent into becoming black mask, from night club owner and general menace to the king of gotham. maybe he’s not the most ~complex~ character in the dc universe, harley for example is a much more compelling “villain” character in terms of backstory, morality, journey, etc, but you can do stuff with him, absolutely. i love a good villain and this fell just short of delivering

i think the movie’s weakest point was not being able to focus was its weakest point. there was a lot going on and they did it in true ensemble cast fashion but i really wanted to see more of harley. i wanted them to show us, not tell us, more of the aftermath, more of her interacting with gotham as a separate entity from the joker. i would have really liked to have seen some sort of sequence between the breakup and her getting entangled with cassandra. hell, i would have liked to have seen more from montoya, huntress, and dinah. as well as cassandra

not to mention my major beef with the fact that this cassandra is not the cassandra we know from the comics... obviously it’s not the first time characters have been transformed from their comic origins but... the thing with cass’s storyline is that it’s so. it’s so much. and obviously im biased because she’s my favorite batkid besides jason, but her story could have a whole series, or film to herself. she is the one who is all. she is the girl who would lie to batman to save the life of someone in trouble. she is the one who killed as a child and ran from it, tried to atone for it and wrestle with her parentage and her place in the world. she is the original ‘trained from birth to be an assassin by a parent’, perhaps not the first one in dc history but she’s still a blueprint, or at least a major example, when it comes to that particular archetype

im in love with harley im sorry it just kind of started in suicide squad (2021) and after this? yeah i love her so much

i know there’s only so much you can do in the span of 1-2 hours but i think if they had done things a little differently, shot and written scenes a little differently, tweaked some things and reorganized some stuff, that it could have been an easy 4 star movie. but. [shrug]

helena’s story was tragic but her story felt so inconsequential and unestablished in the grand scheme of things... there were very few things in this movie (imo) that were particularly hard-hitting or evoked a strong emotional response. whether that was just me or the fault of the movie, well. who knows.

however i am in love with harley now. oops.

[owldart]

Holy shit. I think you managed to explain as to why that final fight between Terry and Joker was so Badass! Like, I knew it was because Terry was doing the one thing that the Joker doesn’t want and that’s a Batman that talks BACK! But oh my god what you just pointed out was such an awesome revelation! Dude, if you make any more observations about Terry that would be so freaking cool!

He’s just generally a good kid. And I know he had his stint in juvie, and that he ran with the Jokerz, but he genuinely realized that doing bad things in the past? Was bad. He didn’t try to make any excuses, didn’t say that he was tricked or coerced, just straight up admits that he ran with a bad crowd and made bad choices. His reason for being Batman is so that he can both help people (his inner sense of justice is MEGA huge) and so that he can genuinely be a better person than he was before. Be a person his father, Warren McGinnis, would be proud of, and not just some punk kid robbing people and generally being a menace.

What I really love about Terry is that he is one of the best answers to ‘what if Bruce’s parents had never been killed?’ The things that drive Terry and Bruce are so similar- they love very deeply. Once you have their love, they will fight and fight and fight even if it seems like it’s hopeless. Man, in the flashbacks to the Tim Drake Joker Junior incident, Bruce LOSES it when one of his own is hurt and taken. Even when Terry is kidnapped fighting Inque, Bruce loses it again! Uses something that might KILL him to go and get him! Babs, the commissioner, Alfred, Dick, Tim- Bruce would move mountains to keep them safe.

And so would Terry.

Beaten to hell, bleeding internally, two different concussions, and loss of hearing? The old man got himself kidnapped so now Terry’s gonna get up and do some batmanning. His best friend is addicted to AR dopamine-overdosing? Time to go get the snot beat out of him and get her to safety even if she leads him into a trap. HIS LITTLE BROTHER IS STUCK IN THE TUNNELS AT FUTURE CHUCK E CHEESE WHILE MAD STAN THREATENS TO BLOW THINGS UP? Time to run STRAIGHT into that guy while telling Matty to get the heck outta Jamestown.

Amanda Waller summed it up best when she said ‘You may not have his magnificent brain, but I’ve never met another man who cared as deeply about his fellow man as you and Bruce Wayne.’

Which is why I’m constantly angry at writers who try to be like ‘Bruce has ONE kid and it’s Damian’ when obviously Bruce has SEVEN kids, three adults, one catwoman, and countless others he would Die for. Batman is at his best when he’s a person trying to do good in the world so nobody needs to suffer through the things he has.

And Terry lives up to that expectation, for me. All the batkids do, but Terry’s heart is absolutely enormous.

[batfam-imagines]

Paper Hat Awards:

Not sure if you guys have ever done this, but this is something that my old sports teams used to do. We’d make paper hats and write the award names on them. This is the Batfam edition.

———————————————————————————————

Dick Grayson: Worlds Clingiest Sleeper – If someone is close to him when he falls asleep prepare to be cuddled. Dick is like an octopus and will not let his victim go until he wakes up. He’s been given this award because somehow, he’s managed to cuddle with Bruce and Jason, on two separate occasions of course, and even made them stay the whole night. His cuddling even extends beyond his family. He’ll cuddle his family, friends, just whoever happens to be around. Not even Superman is immune to Dick Grayson’s clinging.

Jason Todd: World’s Angriest Cinnamon Roll – Of course Jason is pissed when he gets this, but that’s until Dick explains why. Jason might kill criminals and even threatens his family at least once a week, but he follows his own moral code. Jason won’t hurt kids, even goes out of his way to make sure the kids on the street have some food, shelter, and protection. He makes sure that the prostitutes in his part of the city know that they can come to him if they need help. And as much as he might claim to hate his brothers he’ll be damned if anyone but him is the one hurting them.

Tim Drake: World’s Sleepiest Vigilante – Tim bursts out laughing when he is gifted this paper hat and continues to drink his coffee while wearing it. This kid can literally fall asleep anywhere, he’s even learned how to sleep with his eyes open. Between his brothers and his friends at Titan Tower there is a competition on who can find Tim in the weirdest sleeping position/spot. So far, the winner is Cassandra, who sent out a picture of Batman holding onto Red Robin’s cape while Red Robin sleeps standing up on Patrol. Batman’s talking to Superman and Red Robin is passed out asleep, would have fallen off the building if not for Batman’s grip on his cape.

Damian Wayne: World’s Grumpiest Animal Lover – Damian hates just about every human on the planet, but he loves every animal he comes across. The youngest Robin has been known to steal animals from other Superheroes, even Catwoman and Superman have fallen victim to Damian’s animal napping. There are very few people that Damian actually enjoys the company of, but he always seems to have some kind of animals near. Bruce has stopped trying to get him to stop bringing animals home because it’s pointless, Damian will bring home whatever animal he feels needs his help and then argue until he is allowed to keep it.

Cassandra Cain: World’s Best Sister – Cassandra might be the deadliest, the most skilled, and have the most training out of all the batkids, but she is also the most sensitive to everyone’s emotions. Her family doesn’t need to use words to express how they feel to her, she can read them like an open book. She isn’t one to make them talk about their problems, she’ll just sit there quietly, offering support to them if they want to talk or just making sure that they aren’t alone. Everyone unanimously votes her as the best sister, Bruce votes her as the best daughter as she’s his only official daughter.

Stephanie Brown: World’s Peppiest Vigilante – Damian’s idea of ‘World’s Worst Batgirl’ is quickly shot down by Dick. Stephanie is one of the few vigilante’s that have managed to keep her sense of humor and her relatively positive outlook on life throughout her crime-fighting career. She and Cassandra are best friends, and their completely different personalities absolutely terrify villains. A happy, smiling blond Batgirl and a menacing dark figure behind her striking fear in the hearts of Gotham’s crazies.

Barbra Gordon: World’s Best Hacker – Babs snorts when she gets this, her eyes flicking over to Tim. Tim just grins and tells her that’s true, no matter how good he gets he’ll never be as good as Barbra. Sometimes now the other’s will catch Barbra wearing her paper hat when she’s studying code down in the cave, or when they visit her and she’s busy being Oracle. Barbra even makes sure to keep the hat on the back of her chair so it’s readily available whenever she needs to hack something. It becomes her lucky ‘Hacking Hat’.

Alfred Pennyworth: World’s Most Amazing Everything – Alfred can, and does, literally do everything. He takes care of the house during the day, he monitors the comms while everyone is on patrol, he patched them up when someone comes back injured, he makes sure everyone is fed, Alfred is the one who keeps everyone alive. If it wasn’t for Alfred the Wayne household would have fallen apart years ago.

Bruce Wayne: World’s Best Batman – Bruce lets out a genuine laugh when Dick has Damian hand the paper hat to his father. Bruce is the original, the one who started this wave of vigilantes, and that makes him the best. He’s the one who trained them to be better than himself, who trained them to become independent. And even though he isn’t the best at expressing it he loves all of his children and pseudo-children.

[ameba-from-space]

Hey do you know a fic about Bruce being on a video conference with the league and in the middle of the meeting the kids have a fight and Tim's head gets stuck in the batmobile? Bruce has to deal with the situation and the league witnesses the whole thing. It's such a funny fic but I can't find it anymore.

Gonna kill 3 birds with one stone here, also I'm sorry I took so long to answer all yall asks. I kinda love how JL meeting the batkids has become it's own little fandom genre

Watch This - A baby dick classic

video message incoming - Is sneezing like kitty genetic?

Take Care of Business - Ah yes violence delicious

5 times the Justice League catch Bruce acting domestically - Must i say more?

Stuck in the Middle (With You) - damian is a beautiful angry flower

the bat's nest - Batman is dad? What a shock, absolutely flabbergasted by this information

A colony of Bats - A darker view of things

Bring Your Kid to Work Day - People be like "batman hates kids" people be wrong

dad time - *insert will smith pointing at his kids meme here*

Sneaking out for Superhero Teenagers: a Guide - Tim you little shit get back here

The Waynes and Their Friends - Diana adopts tim because she can

Bats, deaths and urban myths (and what everyone else thinks about them) - Bruce is a drama queen and I love him so much

What's in a Name? - Cause of death: mario kart

catch - Ah yes fast robin

Even Batman has his Limits (or how the most well kept secret in the Justice League is revealed because of Lasagna) - Jason you selfish fuck

The Justice League and the Batfam - A whole ass series of fics on the theme

Meeting the Batfamily - You're never gonna guess what this fic is about

Justice League, Meet My Children - Bats are territorial animals

Chivalry is Dead and so is Jason Todd - Jason todd is an absolute menace

The Waynes, Damsels in Distress - Bruce Wayne is a bitch and I love him very much

Of Bats and Robins (and Families) - More like the Gossip League

A Day in the Life: Gotham's King - Lois lane is part of the justice league right?

...And To All, A Good Night - some cozy christmas boy

Billionaire Down - Uncle ollie my beloved

sneaking into the batcave seemed like a good idea until a bunch of bats glare at you - The justice league is as stealthy as my dog when he sees the mailman

It's About Time - Clark wants to marry bruce, but he gotta ask his kids first

Slumber - a tiny baby boy

The Superman Onesie - Tiny baby boy: eletric boogalo

through different colored glasses - tired dad wants to unnadopt kids more at 11

Multi Media Marketing Mistakes - Bruce Wayne slept with Oliver Queen when he was young and you cannot convince me otherwise

All Hands on Deck (Batfam/Young Justice Crossover) - HOW MANY FUCKING KIDS DO YOU HAVE BRUCE????

Keep the Family Secret - let this man take a nap

And thats it, these are all the batfam + JL that I know off I hope you guys enjoy, tomorrow I will try to do one more list but no promises