everwistfully

[everwistfully]

Batman gets home after a long day of patrol to find one of his newest enemies, the murderous crime lord Red Hood, in his personal civilian office. he prepares to fight despite having taken off all of his gear back down in the cave, only for Red Hood to see him in the doorway and without hesitation, he takes off his helmet.

Jason Todd stares at him from across the desk, tears and snot streaming down his face, and Bruce freezes.

“I don’t know how to hook up the new dryer i bought for my apartment and now my landlord is asking for bank statements to prove i can pay rent and my wifi keeps fucking up and I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WATER PRESSURE IS,” Jason wails, distraught and sobbing harder than Bruce has ever seen before. he fumbles, jaw dropping, as Jason swipes at his eyes, sniffing. “THIS ISN’T FAIR,” he cries wetly. “I DIED BEFORE I LEARNT ABOUT TAXES, WHAT THE FUCK IS A STOCKS ISA??!”

Bruce bites his lip, deciding to not show his slight amusement. “Oh, chum,” he empathises.

“THIS IS SO FUCKED UP.”

“I know, I know,” he soothes, holding his hands up in submission and carefully moving forward so he could place them comfortingly on Jason’s shoulder. did he know what was going on? absolutely the fuck not. was he going to question it and scare away his apparently-not-dead-son? absolutely the fuck not. “How about some warm milk and cookies, and then you can show me the files that confuse you?”

Jason sniffs. “…and then the dryer?”

“I can hook up your dryer, chum.”

“……I’m not gonna stop being a crime lord,” his son warns, shamelessly using Bruce’s sleeve to wipe away the snot dribbling down his lip. Bruce bits his lip again.

“Let’s not worry about that right now. One problem at a time.”

“I also own zero spoons.”

“There’s some in the kitchen you can steal.”

“…thanks, B.”

[everwistfully]

Heart hands emoji

[everwistfully]

new superman was pretty fun send tweet

[everwistfully]

3am dinner

[speedpaint]

[everwistfully]

Steph, randomly: *leans over the couch where Jason is reading* hey, Jason? Jason: what? Steph: did you ever like . . . Actually get a driver’s permit? Jason: uhh . . . now that I think about it, no dick and Bruce: *stop what theyre doing in the background* Steph: did you . . . Get a learner’s permit? Jason: nope Steph: did you . . . Learn how to fucking drive???? Jason: uhhhhhhhh dick: *whips around to Bruce* I thought you were teaching him with the Batmobile!! Bruce: *crossing his arms* I thought YOU were teaching him! Jason: nah it’s fine guys Ra’s taught me everyone in the room: *having a stroke* RA’S AL GHUL TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRI— bruce: *louder than anyone else* THAT MAN CANNOT DRIVE FOR SHIT

[everwistfully]

that feeling when your younger brother suddenly becomes taller than you LMFAOOOOO

[everwistfully]

Batman's utility belt is like Mary Poppins' infinite space bag, but for his children's snacks. Could be a whole ass roticery chicken in there, who knows. On a hot night, all the robins have to say is "Bruce, pop." And he will pull out a fully frozen popsicle from his hip holster like he's some sort of goddamn magical ice cream man.

[everwistfully]

Bc he’s black

[everwistfully]

rarely mentioned but chilling power Batman has: the ability to make a judgement call on something (a lock, a door, the mainframe of a large corporation) and simply say “break it” and suddenly he’s got 5-8 Batkids doing their best (the most) to break that thing right away as hard as they can because B didn’t just give them permission, he gave them an order, and this is one they’ll happily follow without question.

[everwistfully]

Jason: daddy didn’t raise no bitch, and if he did it was my brother.

Dick: Bitch he barely raised us

[everwistfully]

*Damian and Jon on a stakeout in Gotham (he literally just showed up and wouldn't leave)*

Jon: "Dang, Dick's allergic to kiwis? Human allergies are so weird?"

Jon: "What are you allergic to?"

Damian, deadpanned: "Pomegranates."

Jon: "Pomegranates?? That's like the most random fruit ever?"

Jon: "Your bodies are so strange..."

Damian: "Says the one allergic to a rock?"

Clark, 2,400 miles away in metropolis: "Damn..."

[everwistfully]

personal headcanon: Tim and Damian are actually pretty chill with each other and just play it up around the others to distract from bigger issues

Tim & Damian: *arguing*

Dick: Guys, it doesn’t matter who was here longer or who is the blood son, we love and value both of you equally

Jason, watching the TV: uh, Dick

Dick: Not right now,

Jason: DICK

Dick: You are your own people and you don’t need to pit yourselves against each other,

Tim: mmm good point.

Damian: I see…

*They leave*

Jason: DICK RED AND ROBIN BURNED DOWN A BATBURGER AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY

Dick: Probably a result of their arguments…

Jason: THERE IS FOOTAGE OF TIM SPREADING THE GASOLINE AND DAMIAN LIGHTING IT

Dick:

Dick: well at least there working together

[everwistfully]

I love the fics where the bats don’t know that dick was renegade during his teen titans era and randomly catch him doing weird shit

Jason and dick mid heated fight they’re both pinned and dick loses both his escrima sticks Jason’s injured and all of a sudden he gets really focused grabs Jason’s guns and starts firing with deadly accuracy shooting to incapacitate rather than kill or maim

Jason: what the f u c k

dick: what?

Jason: since when are you a fucking sharp shooter???

dick: …

dick: uh it’s a long story

Jason: No fucking way don’t long story me bitch tell me when the hell you learned to aim like that

dick: incoherent mumbles

Jason: what?

dick: deathstroke the terminator

Jason: are you fucking serious?????

dick: what! You’re not the only one who’s allowed to have a rebellious teenage phase

[everwistfully]

Tim: Steph’s getting drinks for us tn 😋

Dick: What? Isn’t she like 16?

Tim: She’s- what? 😭 You think my ex is 16? Do you know how old I am??

Dick: Yes! Of course I know that you’re… 17…?

Tim: 20!

Dick: What?? No. You were 13 when I was…

Tim: 21. You are 28.

Dick: Oh. Yea

[everwistfully]

When Nightwing tells Justice League members that Batman makes him laugh, obviously, everyone knows that he's joking, because that's Batman. How the hell does That make anybody laugh?

But then really weird things start to happen. Like suddenly, Batman starts making little quips that toe the line between sarcasm and puns. He begins to humor the stupid ideas that other heroes come up with purely for comedic purposes. He even admits things like "Jesus, I'm getting so old, if I hurt my back much more, spin class is going to be an issue."

And the thing is, Batman only does these things when Nightwing is around, and it literally always earns a laugh from the younger hero. Sometimes they high-five after Nightwing recovers from a fit of giggles. At this point, nobody knows that they're father and son, so this type of behavior is just really freaking people out.

[everwistfully]

You have fundamentally misunderstood Bruce's character, If you do not 100% know what Bruce would say in any of these instances.

Any iteration of....

"B can we skip patrol cause I....."

"Dad can we...."

"Bruce I was thinking instead of...."

"Baba I want to....."

Bruce Wayne is throwing off his bat-suit running to the car, fishing his wallet out because his children don't want to fight crime today. This is the best day of his fucking life.

The thing I feel like is forgotten Bruce does not want any of these children to be vigilantes.

This fact is very much forgotten.

If all of them decided tomorrow to never get a fucking job, never go to college live completely off Bruce's money, but also never be a vigilante again. Bruce Wayne is throwing a parade that has not been seen since Alexander The Great lost his boyfriend.

Bruce would have a house filled with like 30 year old children who eat his food and refuse to never work a day in their lives and he would absolutely love it because they are not risking themselves.

He would skip patrol no questions asked.

In fanfictions I always see a moment of them like trying to convince Bruce to take a night off or they need a break or whatever.

Bruce, who is not absolutely butchered by a writer is actively burning down the Batcave because dick said he's just not feeling this vigilante thing anymore.

Bruce Wayne will never skip patrol or being Batman by his own decision or for his own benefit.

Throw one of his kids in it and he is just Bruce Wayne. 

[everwistfully]

Happy birthday Jason 🎉 (w. FADE)