#adhd and art and me - actually finishing is a big deal | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sometimesrosy · 11 months ago

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There is something that truly frightens me these days that teens and up are very unfreaked out about these days and it makes my eyes saucer big in shock. I'm on plenty of reading forums where "readers" say they forget the novels they read the second they finish them. They aren't concerned at all about it and when anyone starts to question it they describe reading as just walking past 100's of paintings in an art gallery and only enjoying the paintings for the length of time it took to look at them. Am I just showing my age to think this is nuts? Wasting time to not remember a thing. Then also think they are winning at life to go through a hundred books a year like this?

So I have a different take on this.

Remember please that as an English major, English teacher and writer, I am invested in paying attention to literature. It's a deep pleasure to analyze and understand stories and poems and essays solidly.

Saying that... that's not the only reason to read or the only way to read.

You're allowed to read just for pleasure. Just for the wild ride of the book and not have to be able to critically analyze it when you're done.

You're also allowed to read for escapism. This world is way crazier than it used to be, and we used to think the world was crazy forty years ago. Kids often don't have a lot of control over their lives and reading is a way where they get to feel more in control and/or safe.

When I was a teenager, I didn't read a hundred books a year. I read, oh, I'm guessing, four to five hundred books a year. I read 1-3 books A DAY.

Why?

One. I had a two hour commute both ways. Two. I didn't have money so reading was my entertainment. Three. I only had like seven tv channels, no streaming, no social media etc. And four, and the main reason. Reading was my coping strategy to deal with a difficult, scary and sometimes dangerous homelife.

Do I remember all the books I read as a teen? Absolutely not. I like to say that those books went into "the soup," and they certainly did. I don't remember them for particular narratives, but I remember general conventions, patterns, tropes, structures, timings, moods, themes, cultural expectations, etc. I credit that intense reading period with making me a writer. Reading became as natural as BREATHING.

Do you remember every breath you take? No, of course not.

Admittedly, it turns out that I have adhd, and that sort of hyperlexia is a trait of adhd and autism, so there's a reason for it. I'm not normal and never have been. But you're looking at reading patterns here that aren't normal either.

So these kids are addicted to books.

GREAT! Do you know what other kinds of things kids COULD be addicted to? So many bad things. Let them have their speed reading. Let them do PJO or their ACOTAR or their fanfics. I don't know what kids are reading today.

Reading is PRESCRIPTIVE. People read for what they need and what you may need-- a wider view of the world or intellectual stimulation or a hit of beautiful language-- may not be what these kids are reading for-- escapism, anxiety, entertainment. And neither of those reading needs are wrong.

I read like those kids when I was in high school. And I was one of the only ones I knew who did read that much. I think it's good that reading is cool because it wasn't in the 80s. BUT after I did that 6 year sff binge, I went to college and got a degree in English, and I did NOT read that much anymore. I read more slowly and wrote essays and analyzed books and chose new genres and talked about books and remembered quotes and all that. And I read more slowly for, oh, twenty years, until PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, chronic illness and stress got to me. And then I started binge reading again. Now the genre guarantees a happy ending to combat the anxiety, and it's non-intellectually demanding so my ADHD brain can actually rest instead of going a mile a minute as it does when I don't have something occupying it.

I read 224 books this year and I absolutely can't remember them all. I have to keep a log with titles and authors and ratings and summaries so I can remember which ones I liked best. I reread those, and the second (and third and fourth) read helps me remember the plot and characters and everything else. A close reading is different for me than an entertainment read. My business is words, so when I read for entertainment I don't fuss.

So here's what I'm saying. Reading is good even if you think they aren't reading right. There is no 'right' for reading. If they're just reading for escapism, that's fine. If it's fostering a true love of books that might become a career, that's great. If they're reading as a coping strategy. Leave them alone unless you're a therapist and can help them out.

Another possibility you might want to consider is that it's your questions that are making their brains go blank. A lot of people have trouble answering direct questions like that. And if they actually sat and thought about the story or characters and kind of unfolded it from that direction, would actually remember. By 'a lot of people' I mean me. My adhd brain doesn't remember like that. But if I go back to my log and look at my summary, the narrative will come back to me.

#reading #english teacher #hyperlexia #leave those kids alone #yutes today

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flightyquinn · 11 months ago

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AI Haters, Please Read to the End

I see people celebrating every time something bad happens in the AI art world, and that makes me very sad. Because I am partially colorblind, and have ADHD, clinical depression, and other health issues that I'm less comfortable talking about. Because I can't work, and rely on family for housing and government assistance to afford essentials. For someone like me, the barrier to entry on art is high. I'm never going to own a drawing tablet, I can't get professional lessons, my focus sucks to the point where it's hard to follow tutorials no matter how much I want to, and even if all of that could be sorted, my own eyes are against me.

But I still have ideas. I still have pictures in my head that want to get out. Characters that want faces, scenes that want to be expressed, and the like. I'm still creative. I just can't properly express that creativity. Nor can I pay someone else to express it for me. However, I can tell an AI what I'm trying to depict. I can tweak the settings, make small changes, spend hours on end generating and re-generating, tweaking and re-tweaking, and making small edits that are within my power to do, until I have a picture that satisfies my need to bring the thing in my head to life. That's not "stealing". It's not pushing a button and letting the computer do the work for me. That's me having my own ideas, and trying to use the tools at my disposal to turn them into something that other people can see.

Plus, there's one other thing I can do. This is a picture I generated with AI that I'm actually quite proud of.

And do you know why? Because it started as this.

I fed my terrible MSPaint rough as hell doodle into an AI, and told it what the picture was supposed to be. And I tried again, and again, and again, until I was able to refine the result into something that I was happy with - which took a whole lot more than just pressing the button again, let me tell you.

This is my idea, from start to finish, and my shitty art became something that actually looks halfway decent. Yeah, I'm aware of the wonkiness and AI jank. I know the jawline's weird, his eyes don't match, and there's something up with his ear. It's not perfect, but it's a whole lot better than what I could do on my own.

Look, when it comes to stopping the commercialization of AI art, I'm right there with you guys. Fuck corporations that want to replace their whole art department. Fuck people who want to impersonate other artists, or take commissions to turn someone's description of what they want into a prompt. Hell, fuck the people who take the first result they're given without trying to refine it at all!

However, I don't want AI to die. AI is an accessibility option. AI is a tool that lets me go from saying for years, "I wish I could have art of my first D&D character, I have so many fond memories of him." to having that one picture. It lets me stop stealing every time I want a character portrait for a new TTRPG that I'm starting up. Because you know what? I don't have the ability to be a "real artist", and I never will. There's too many barriers for entry.

...and my situation is mild compared to what some people have to deal with. Sure, there are people who find ways to make traditional art despite disabilities, but that's an exception. It could be the rule. Why shouldn't it be?

As far as "theft" goes, I have yet to hear one explanation of why it's okay to use references, but not AI, that didn't boil down to "it's different when we do it". And what about collage? Is a collage art, or is it "theft?" What about sculptural works that use reclaimed objects? They didn't create that. They just decided how it would be arranged. Hell, what about pieces like "The Fountain" for that matter? That's a big problem I have with all this hate. If you applied the same standards to other things as to AI, then there's a lot of things that currently are art we'd have to say aren't any more.

If you have a problem with AI, why not work to make it better, instead of trying to deprive people who rely on it for self-expression of a creative outlet?

#ai #ai art #ai artwork #art #creativity #creative expression #self expression #accessibility #ai is an accessibility tool #ai art is art #all art is art #art is subjective #everyone deserves to be creative #self expression should not be gatekept #i know i'm opening myself up to receive hate #this is a touchy subject #a lot of emotions involved #but i wanted to share my perspective #i won't be replying to responses

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glitchyko · 10 months ago

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I’m sorry I haven’t really been posting art lately, maybe beyond some simple sketches, I’ve been busy and things have been hectic lately, I do have things I want to make but life has been kinda rough-

But there is something’s I do kinda wanna address and maybe get some advice about it cause I’m not entirely sure how to deal with this issue even though it severely affects how I got about creating art and doing projects and such-

So, I have really untreated ADHD, and I struggle a LOT with executive dysfunction, especially when it comes to starting tasks, and actually finishing them, I have so many WIPs that aren’t past the sketch phase, once I get the sketching phase done I never come back to it, and sometimes I can’t even get myself to start the drawing, and i can’t get myself to draw if I’m “not in the mood” and it’s so frustrating cause I want to draw but I just can’t

A big issue I have when it comes to wanting to do things that wouldn’t be just a one time thing or a drawing that’s wouldn’t be a sketch is that I tend to really think about all the work I have to do, how much I have to think of, how long something will take, how much faster I need to work, do I have all the skills I need to do this, am I capable of doing this, can I work on this and other stuff at the same time, will it turn out good, etc and I end up scaring and unmotivating myself out of doing the thing I wanted to do, I have stories and projects and characters I want to tell and show and do but when I think of all the work I’d have to do I end up just, not doing it, this is why things I have shown and talked about here just, don’t go anywhere, and it gets really disheartening cause even though I want to do so much, I just can’t

And when I see artists who can make work quickly, get themselves to draw so easily, who don’t have to do so many different steps just to finish a mere sketch, I get frustrated with myself, I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but it’s so difficult, I’m a huge perfectionist to the point where if something doesn’t look good enough, I can’t work on it anymore and I end up abandoning the drawing

The last thing I want to bring up is style, there’s so many things I want to do with my art and how I go about drawing characters and such, but when I try doing what I want, it just, doesn’t look right or good to me, which probably stems from the perfectionism and comparing myself and my work to others. But there’s the also a problem of me deciding what do I really want to do with my art? Do I wanna go more stylized or realistic? How far do I wanna go with something? I just can’t decide because I don’t know if it’ll look good, when I see someone do something I think, “I wanna do that” and then I see someone else do something completely opposite of that and think, “I wanna do that” and I get so frustrated because I don’t know which one I want to actually do

But yeah, this ended up kinda devolving into a vent post, I apologize if I got a bit too personal, but these issues of mine have been on my mind for a long time, and I want to deal with them and get better. So I’ve finally decided to work up the courage to talk about them and ask for help and advice, which is why I’m making this post, if you have any ideas or advice on how to deal with these problems, even if it’s something small, please let me know, I would really appreciate it, thank you.

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mushroominaforest · 4 months ago

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What do you HATE drawing

Anything commissioned, in my experience so far at least.

I’ve had a few commissions over the years, all for traditional art (which I’m better at). Since most of them have been accepted on my behalf, they’re often of things I don’t like drawing/painting, or with media I don’t enjoy using (pencil crayons lol).

Twice now this has led to the commission never being finished, which leaves me feeling really bad for the person who was promised something they never got.

I do like requests though! On here, I can control what I choose to draw or not draw, which takes the pressure off. It means what I end up drawing will be something enjoyable, plus digital art is much faster for me so it’s not as big a deal.

But yeah. The only actual art piece of mine that I’ve shared on here is that painting of my friend. It was more work then any of the commissions I’ve ever gotten, but felt so much easier because it was something I wanted to do. That’s a requirement if I want to get the lump of ADHD I call a brain to focus on something lol.

#I’m going to let you in on a little secret #I am a tiny bit gay for that friend in the painting #SHHH don’t tell her #I think commissions would be okay if I had more control #But like I said #I’m often informed I have a commission once it’s already been accepted #Which isn’t great

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lucysweatslove · 1 year ago

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So I finished the book #97 today (the third Dr. Gretchen White book- I enjoyed this plot more than the prior, for sure).

I couldn’t really decide what I wanted to read next because a new book in a world set in a really cheesy and kinda mindless series release on KU today. Like the writing isn’t anything spectacular, the plot is always like wtf, but it’s entertaining because i can have my brain “off” mostly. I’ve been gravitating towards those kinds of books lately- maybe some allegory but nothing difficult and mostly just fun- to give my brain a break.

But. I have other options to start that I think might need to be read sooner.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (the nonfiction book by the mortician Caitlin Doughty). I borrowed it from the library then got sucked into some KU series and forgot about it so it was returned yesterday… but… and this is the big but… I have Wi-Fi off on my actual kindle, so it’s still on there. It was on hold for a while, and I AM really interested in it, so unless I want to wait again, I can’t sync my kindle again until it’s read. I can still read Kindle books on my phone so it’s not a huge deal, but I generally prefer to read via kindle. It’s not very long and I could probably finish it in a few hours, but I read like 5 pages of it yesterday and really struggled to stay focused.

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman. This is also from Libby. I got it on audiobook (less wait time) and it’s like 19hr long. I listen usually at 1.5x speed. Because it’s an audiobook from Libby, I listen to it from the app, and once it’s due, it’s gone. It’s due in 12 days. I’ve already started it and I’m ~21% through. So far I’m kinda mad because he talked positively about Hans Ass-Burgers (making fun of HIM, not the particular “pattern” of autism he described, because he was FULLY AWARE of his involvement in the murder of numerous autistic kids)…. But also it was published in 2015, which was before much of his Nazi involvement was really discussed publicly (Herwig Czech’s article published in 2018; Edith Sheffer’s 2018 book and subsequent articles). So idk. Also anytime anybody brings up the “extreme variant of male intelligence” BS I want to punch something (even tho the author essentially said it’s more likely that women just mask because socialization).

Technically I have The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean also due in 12 days, but I haven’t downloaded it to Kindle yet, so I could only read it on my phone.

I’ve also started to read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, of which I’m on page 26/216. This one feels like a “not much thought” kind of nonfiction, but still some thought is required, of which I’m not thrilled about, but I downloaded it from KU a while ago and I do want to “empty out the vault” so to speak.

I also downloaded another KU series, Te Princess Chronicles, that seems mostly just fun. I did open up the first book a few days ago and read about 10 pages in that before I got distracted and decided on finishing Ninth House instead. But I’m oddly drawn to it again because it just seems fun.

So you see my problem? I have technically started on 4 books (have reasons to finish 3 of them ASAP) and have 3 more on my list… but I only want to read the ones that I have no pressure to finish.

It’s like the autism part of me is interpreting the reasons why I “should” finish the couple books I should finish first as a “demand” and thus I don’t want to read them (PDA profile?)… and though the ADHD part of me is like “oh but look this book is ✨N E W✨” it’s also like “oh, no sense of urgency? Ugh boring.”

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liltaz-asatreat · 2 years ago

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I posted 2,958 times in 2022

That's 2,010 more posts than 2021!

670 posts created (23%)

2,288 posts reblogged (77%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@/idkanameatall

@/barry-j-blupjeans

@/holdmecloser-gandydancer

@/institute-of-planar-shitposts

@/taakosleftshoe

I tagged 2,458 of my posts in 2022

Only 17% of my posts had no tags

#taz balance - 840 posts

#taz ethersea - 552 posts

#taz - 517 posts

#taz ethersea spoilers - 419 posts

#fav - 356 posts

#taz fanfic - 326 posts

#taz art - 313 posts

#lup - 292 posts

#taako - 284 posts

#barry bluejeans - 220 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i'll reblog this to both blogs because i think i have more followers who listen to tma on my main and you should be recognized for this 💜

My Top Posts in 2022:

Just had a depressing thought

How the hell did Lucretia not lose her God damn mind between the time she erased everyone's memory and sent them on their way to starting the Bureau of Balance and even beyond that? Like, I lived in a small house with 9 other people for a good few years, and when I went to college and moved into the dorms there, one of the things I had the hardest time dealing with was the utter silence I was left in. My roommate moved into the dorm late because of rooming and organizational issues on the university's part, and then her mom didn't want to pay for her to stay in the dorm in the second semester, and they didn't move anyone else in with me. Among the many other issues I was having, the silence and loneliness was crippling in a really major way, and I had friends I was with at every chance I got to be with them. It was the most social year I had ever had, and I was still hardcore struggling with the fact that I had to go home to no one.

Lucretia didn't even have anyone to hang out with or talk to at all ever until she met Maureen and Lucas and started the Bureau. And even with having as many people on the base as she did, she still had to go home to no one. I just about lost my God damn mind in my situation, how. The fuck. Did she do it??? And for 10-12 years????

469 notes - Posted August 5, 2022

One of my favorite meta things about the Stolen Century is how Griffin really thought he could cover 100 years of backstory in two episodes lmfao Like, as someone with ADHD, I understand how hard it is to figure out how long something is going to take, and I underestimate how long I'm going to need to do tasks and finish projects all of the time, but like, even if he wasn't expecting to get as deep with it as they ended up doing, the absolute confidence he had going in that he could cover 100 years in 2 hours, like, king there was no way but I admire how over confident you were about that lmao

484 notes - Posted May 13, 2022

Angus really did have a big day on the Day of Story and Song. Like, first the Director had some shady shit going on with the Relic disposal chamber, then a strange man hops out of Taako's bag whom Taako and Merle claim said the Bureau is bad, then there's the discovery of the baby voidfish, then the Director has guards take them to a room where she is kneeling over the balls that had contained the Relics and is channeling energy out of the undestroyed bell into her staff, then she talks mad shit about coming from another reality with tres horny bois, the guy whose name is Barry, and some person named Lup who is dead(?) while Taako and Merle are trying to keep their heads from exploding, then Davenport can actually talk and was captain of this past mission this whole time, then Magnus comes barging in and he can see the absolute chaos of the apocalypse outside, so he tries to barracade the door while the others are going down memory lane, then the others start debating about leaving everyone to the forces outside versus putting up a shield that would still end up destroying the world in a manner that suggests they've had this argument exhaustively before, then they get attacked and BOOM a lich comes out of Taako's umbrella who is apparently Lup who is apparently his sister, then Lucretia disappears and Davenport wants him to help find her even though he still has no clear idea of what the fuck is happening, then he hears the story and song and suddenly gains the knowledge of their 100 year journey and the impending end of the world, then he meets up with the others again when he and Davenport can't find her only to find Lucas is also not dead, then Lucretia turns up, a crystal shows them a possible future, and Taako knew the answer to save everything all along, then he's expected to help fight against a world ending evil force, and then FINALLY they defeat the Hunger, and he's got time to process the absolute wild day he just had.

And just like, I feel like probably around the time he found out Lucas was still alive he was just like:

560 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

Balance: Don't split up the party or you will die

Amnesty: Splitting up the party is tentatively okay depending on what you're doing except it did, in fact, get someone killed

Graduation: We're going to refuse to split up as much as possible because we're best buds

Ethersea: If we don't split up and do wild ass stunts before somehow reconvening back at the ship then what even is the fucking point

1,362 notes - Posted April 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

What I like about the scene where Magnus spins mind in Wonderland is that Griffin chose the lesser of two evils because it would have been really fucked to make him choose whether or not he forgets Julia which most definitely would have resulted in a no and forced them to take another two spins without much deliberation, but I think it also paints an interesting picture in-game of the characterization of Lydia and Edward. They believed that love wasn't a strong enough force to sustain them anymore and that it wasn't as important, and I think that's also reflected in how they thought the worst memory to take from him would be the person who caused his suffering and not the person he loves. Because to them, suffering is more important now, and it's how they sustain themselves, so why wouldn't it be the thing sustaining him too?

1,603 notes - Posted March 23, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #long post #:)#was really hoping they were going to do the top new tags added this year like they did last year; but just seeing my top overall tags is #good too I suppose lol

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seamus-ly · 2 years ago

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Starting 2023 Not With a Bang, but With a Post

Happy holidays and happy new year, first of all. I'm one of those people who tends to struggle throughout the holidays, and so it was a bit rough for me, but I sincerely hope that it was better for a good majority of the rest of you.

I ended my 2022 by falling asleep 15 minutes before midnight and waking up at 1:30 AM. The first thing I did waking up was opening Twitter and writing out a few 2023 goals I had in mind but couldn't find the energy to commit to paper before the year turned over.

In an effort to use this account more often to document my progress through my career, because I want to hold myself somewhat accountable by putting it all down somewhere, and because I find it therapeutic to talk about these things, I'm gonna throw down a few things I'm hoping to achieve this year.

Career-related goals in game dev, and some of my achievements from 2022

Health-related goals for this year so I don't go insane

Other goals like art and setting up a tip jar

Career-related Goals

I'm a game dev, and you probably already knew that going in.

In 2022, I had a hand in two games that had their official releases (and are still on sale heehoo), and I'm currently working on two other indie games! This was a big deal for me. Not only in that I had mostly positive experiences and it was a huge turning point in my career in games, but because I had some negative ones too.

The negative doesn't come close to outdoing the positive, but it did help me reprioritize some things in my life and reflect on events from the past few years. Though I'm a bit heartbroken by some things I'll likely never get back, I'm ready to keep moving forward.

With that out of the way, I'm hoping to make at least 1 new game this year--not counting projects I'm already working on. I made Wish You Were Here! and finished the very first prototype for TECHNOLYMPUS in 2022. So, my big hope is to polish it up and finally get an idea for what TECHNOLYMPUS will really be about through that.

(They were both featured by the Hand Eye Society last year as well!)

I'm also hoping to participate in at least 1 game jam too. Setting the bar low so I can realistically cross it.

Health-related Goals

These ones matter the most to me, if I'm being honest.

Late 2022, I had a bit of a revelation thanks to my well-meaning and lovely friends. They are my best friends of all time, but I will still (jokingly) blame them for my horror in realizing just how much ADHD was affecting my everyday.

I'm undiagnosed, but my family has a history of ADHD and it never occured to me that it extended to me as well for a bunch of silly reasons. In retrospect, and after properly researching it myself, I guess it was always obvious and I just didn't know enough about it to understand what was going on.

But executive dysfunction obliterated me last year, and it's about time I stopped pretending it's because I'm not working hard enough.

So, my big goal is to get medicated. Secondary goal is to lose at least some of the weight I've gained from falling into some really bad mental health pits over the last 6-7 months or so.

Tangentially related to my health, I work multiple jobs right now and I also desperately require me-time. I tried to make a schedule of when I'd be doing what, but I couldn't stick to it on account of my deteriorating mental health and the whole executive dysfunction thing. Which, predictably, just made things worse.

I'm going to try really hard to stick to a schedule for at least a few weeks in January. Maybe I'll ask if some of my friends can keep my accountable and yell at me if I'm working in what are supposed to be my off-hours.

Other Goals

Here's some other stuff I want to try to do, and are a bit more lax with one exception.

I want to set up my Ko-fi for like actual tips and stuff. I don't have a ton of stuff to offer as rewards, and I don't think I'll have the bandwidth for regular updates (maybe monthly?), but I'd like to be able to offer something for people if they're going to support me. I'm currently thinking of little game dev or Unity tips, or art.

And speaking of art, I'm going to draw more! I haven't cared about developing my art style for literal years. I don't do it for my job, it's just a hobby. But I want to keep trying to get better regardless in light of how I've begun doing it in my downtime again. Going to work on developing my style drawing humanoids again, and working out something that works for me instead of trying to force a style I'm not too pleased with.

Lastly, I want to start drawing a ton of Pokemon. Damn, I love Pokemon. I'm going to draw all of them someday hopefully, even if the next gen comes out before I come even close to finishing all there is now. There's no timeline for this, I just want to start working through the National Dex sometime this year.

That's All, Folks

If you made it to the end of this, thanks! I don't write these lengthy posts for a need of keeping people updated (because I don't have that big of a following frankly), I write them because I like keeping a record of my progress.

But I truly appreciate anyone who stay up-to-date with what I'm doing, and I hope that whatever scraps of content I put out there appeals to you in some way.

2022 was both parts great and awful, and I feel like that's normal for the weird few years we've all had. I wasn't doing so hot at the end of the year, and it's likely I'll probably start feeling the dip in mood again soon. In spite of that, I'm looking forward to whatever steps I manage to take this year. And I hope that you manage to do what you set out to do as well.

#personal #long post #seamus speaks #i also only slept 3 hours today lmao oops

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fishklok · 2 years ago

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would it be annoying if I asked for advice? If so, ignore this ask

But like how do you make time for yourself while applying for law school? How do you have time to constantly make this amazing fanart and fics? Just asking bc I'm a college freshman and I'm losing it like I don't have time to do anything anymore!! Like shit man I just wanna draw mtl fanart and chill but literally college takes up 95% of my time. Good luck with law school btw and I apologize if this like asking TOO much

It's not annoying at all, happy to help :)

It helps that applying to law school hasn't really taken up that much of my time. At least when compared to when I was a full time employee/student. Writing my personal statements/essays did take some time, but not enough to prevent me from doing other shit too. When I actually start law school, I highly doubt I'll be able to post much of anything.

But when I was studying for the LSAT, I did have to carve out large chunks of my free time that I would normally use to write/draw to study instead. And just a few weeks ago, I took an entire day to apply to as many law schools as I could in 8 hours (pro tip: don't do that).

When it comes to taking time for myself, it really came down to recognizing my own mental needs and limits. I used to play a lot of video games, but gaming isn't really something my mind "needs" to decompress. I've been way too busy to touch any of my games, but it's really not a big deal. On the other hand, running is something I need to do. I could be absorbed into a drawing or a piece of writing or even cooking breakfast, but if that voice in my head goes "you need to go run now", I have to do it. When I'm unable to run, my mental health plummets. So that's something I can't remove from the list. And drawing/writing is somewhere between those two extremes. Drawing isn't really something I do to relax, so I can go a day or two without drawing anything. But writing is now part of my bedtime ritual. Even if it's just an extra 200-400 words, the day doesn't feel complete until I write. I can skip a day if I'm truly beaten down, but I try to avoid that.

I hope this all makes sense and sorry if this doesn't truly answer the question. I can try to put some more actionable advice together.

As I said, recognize your own needs and limits. If you're burnt out from school and writing/art will only make you feel worse, don't force it. Taking time for yourself doesn't have to involve production.

Inspiration/motivation comes in waves. I spent most of July and August barely able to finish little doodles and drawing felt like the biggest chore. Now, I'm past that hurdle and I can spend an entire free day drawing without feeling like I'm pushing myself.

I hate myself for giving this advice, but planners. I have ADHD so trust me, I hate the "get a day planner!" advice, but...it has really helped. It was more helpful pre-pandemic when I was physically going to class, but I would make a habit of writing down everything I have coming up so when I get anxious about deadlines, I can read my planner and know exactly how many days I have to do it. I usually used my planner for deadlines, but some people (my dad) will plan out their days by the hour. Right now, I mostly use my personal discord server where I'll jot down notes or things I have to remember. Whichever is helpful to you, but having a concrete thing that says "this is what you have to do and how much time you have to do it" can take a lot off my shoulders personally. Because if you have all these abstract deadlines and obligations clouding your mind it can be very easy to get overwhelmed. But if they're listed out, it's easier to go "okay, so the most pressing thing I have isn't due for a week and I'm already halfway done. I'm going to draw now."

To clarify, none of this day-planning stuff came naturally to me at all lol. It took over a decade of me missing real deadlines and panicking over nonexistent ones for me to finally develop a system. And even then I don't always stick to it as well as I should lol.

Sorry this got rambly and I worry I'm not being that helpful. But I hope at least some of my advice is useful.

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justaratswriting · 3 years ago

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Batfam and Mental Health

orOkay so I love Batman and all the things surrounding it. Like the idea of a random rich man who happens to be an orphan just suddenly adopting a ton of children is ridiculous, and thoroughly entertaining.

But I am also a big fan of psychology, and learning about the mind. So mental illness and related things are fascinating to me.

I notice that like strangely there is very little stuff about the batfam having mental illnesses or dealing with psychology or therapy. Don’t get me wrong there is still a lot addressing these things, but still with the things the family experiences you would think it would be a lot more prevalent in the writing about them, and especially fan fiction about them.

Like I think showing mental health through beloved characters would be really cool and could be a tool to destigmatize them. Like showing hero's with them would make really great representation, people could see them and think Oh I can still be a good person and helpful even if my mental disorder makes it hard and for things like depression or ADHD showing which misconceptions are harmful and don’t work.

I can also see this in the physical aspect, like I wish a hero would have something like chronic pain or one of the many invisible illnesses. To give representation and show how pushing through the pain can shut a person down for days.

The specific disorders I think would be really interesting of the top of my head is, depression, Anxiety, POTS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic pain, eating disorders, nerve damage, ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, Chronic fatigue, PTSD, c-PTSD, Autism, Elhers Danlos syndrome, And the one I really think would be interesting DID.

Like fore depression, showing how hard it is to get out of bed. Not showing constantly being sad but showing how it can be numbing. Acknowledging that in a disorder like this logic doesn’t always win even if you are the most logical person to live.

For anxiety showing how debilitating it can be. Looking into their minds to show the thought process, the mind fight itself and logic. Knowing their fears are unreasonable but not being able to shake the feeling. Show how for different people different things cause anxiety.

POTS or Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, (super simply put it is a circulation disorder where upon standing up blood rushes to extremities and can cause all sorts of problems like fainting, pain in your feet, Dizziness, poor temperature regulation, etc. Also I am assuming people know what depression and anxiety is.) would be fascinating to me. Like having a hero that is constantly sitting down or biting down and pushing through the pain even a hero that has to slowly stand up. So in the middle of a battle being shoved down having to slowly stand up or risk fainting or vision completely blacking out for a while. Showing a hero who has learned to fight with no sight because of that very thing.

Or Fibromyalgia (This one I am a little less educated about but from what I understand, it is a disorder characterized by muscle pain and tenderness usually with no known cause, so from what I understand it usually is diagnosed after a ton of other disorders are eliminated and the pain is still occurring, often also has affect on sleep and memory/mood.) Like showing a hero having a particularly hard patrol and having to take a couple days off and constantly going places or trying things to help with the pain.

Or Chronic pain ( from what I understand the main difference between Fibromyalgia and Chronic pain is chronic pain has to do with the nerves and Fibromyalgia has to do with muscles, also Fibromyalgia has other thins to go with it like energy levels and mental functions so memory/mood.) Like a hero having constant pain even if they didn’t have a big fight, maybe showing them icing, heating, or taking pain meds and the rest of the family or team being super confused as to why. Before they know showing them freak out and worry that they went on a mission without telling anyone. Showing how it is a constant battle, that sometimes treatments will work and other times, for seemingly no reason they won’t.

I would also like to see eating disorders portrayed by the bat family. Showing how it’s not always a conscious choice, sometimes it is more along the lines of choosing something else over eating. Showing how people can use it for control or to punish themselves. Letting there be a male example, reminding people that they can happen to anyone. Allowing people to have representation. Show a recovery, how it is not impossible for anyone but not down playing how hard it is. It is a true and hard fight, and show how it can sneak up on you and drag you back. Not just one easy recovery, that recovery is a choice. You have to want it but you also need help, it is a long hard process and accessibility is everything. Show a family member making them food, show them sometimes eating it and others not. Also don’t only show under eating show how people can’t stop themselves from eating. Having cabinets locked to keep people out, for their own safety.

Or nerve damage, showing how years of their work and fighting can really mess someone up. Show someone suddenly losing all feeling or sensation in certain parts of their body or constant pain or even pinched nerves. Show how confusing it can be to not know what you are feeling. Show how weird it can be when you realize you are fine or that nothing is touching you or taking it in the opposite direction and not realizing you are hurt or someone is trying to be your attention. I would also love to see the batfam explain any of these injuries to the hero community or to the public. Maybe show the hero community really starting to look into mental and general health services.

ADHD or also ADD, showing how people can use it but also showing how hard it can be to control and fight. How much it can impede focusing and show situations it can put people in. Show a hero forgetting a huge part of their plan and falling but because of some random information from a hyper focus they still save the day.

Bipolar, showing the wild swings and how confusing it can be. Feeling like a different person, struggling with identity and their own decisions. Show them accidently pushing people away but also how hard they work to maintain family and friends that despite how unpredictable they can be their friends still stick around. Or if their friends can’t handle it show them peacefully and respectfully stepping out of their life. Show how hard that can be to except but that the future can end up better than you could ever hope.

OCD is really one I wish we saw in the hero's. Show their routines and things they do. Show the thought process, like if I don’t properly put the dishes away in fourteen seconds the joker will escape arkham. Show how terrifying the thoughts can be, but show how detail oriented it can make people and the beautiful art and amazing work that they can do. Show a person putting them selves at risk to comply with their routine. Like ignoring injuries to write a report. Show them and family or friends working to change the routine. Show how hard it is the moments they want to turn back and continue and how much they want to stop but show them not giving up and making the differences they want. Show them accomplishing things, show their compulsions actually keeping them safe.

Or even chronic fatigue, Show the fight each morning. Them saving energy, the disconnect between how exhausted you are mentally vs. physically. Show a hero that 50% of the time physically is too exhausted to be in the field so they offer technical support. Show a hero crashing, suddenly just not having enough energy to finish patrol or even get home. So someone has to come pick them up. Show them getting stuck in a fight and how hard it can be to do anything much less a fight.

Let the characters have PTSD or c-PTSD, show flashbacks and being stuck in your head. All of the bat family has lived through horrors please show it affecting them. Show how they get help how they work through it show what can happen and how bad it can get if it is unaddressed.

Show them having autism and how it is just a different way of life that there is nothing inherently wrong with it and how the ignorance that surrounds it and similar disorders can hurt and affect people. Show how it can be simple things that can show it or affect it. Try and look at it from their perspective and what things happen that should not just because they way someone is.

Elhers Danlos syndrome, show the pain, the misdiagnosis, the process, the fight. Show how disabilities like this and several others including ones I have mentioned can cause a person to need medical equipment such as wheelchairs and braces. Show how not everyone using a wheelchair can’t walk. Show how limiting it can be and the precautions you have to take but don’t make everything about how hard it can be. Show how using a Wheelchair while not ideal can open up so many opportunities. Show them actually being able to go on family vacations and amusement parks because they have a wheelchair. Show how important it is to have ramps and accommodations for similar things so people can participate and so people can actually go places they want. Always show how hard people with disabilities and such work. Show them trying to get treatment and trying new treatments show how it isn’t as simple as getting a knee brace or two.

And finally coming to one that absolutely fascinates me, DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder formerly known as multiple personality disorder. But don’t do this one completely uneducated, it is already a very stigmatized disorder. Show how Alters communicate. Show how they all work together and that they were made so the body and mind could survive. Make full characters just put them in one body. Show the confusion once they find out, show them slowly realizing and learning signs and what happened to them. Show each of the Alters having different friends and maybe understanding and knowing the family different. Show the different reasons and setups systems can have. Show system responsibility and each Alter working on themselves and to make a life for the system. Show the roles Alters will take. Show the horrible process of fragmenting and what things can cause it but also show healing and people supporting and accepting systems.

Overall showing good parts of all the struggles people can have but not ignoring how hard they can be or glorifying them to people who don’t understand. Showing misconceptions and how support can affect these disorders. And most important in my mind, giving hope and a future to look forward to for the people with these disorders.

#batman #chronic illness #mental health #batfam headcanons #batboys #bat bois #batfam

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namorian · 2 years ago

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☄️🌧 ✨🌙

<333

☄️foreign language you'd like to learn?

I'm currently trying to learn Norwegian with Babbel since I've started Spanish, Chinese and Japanese while at school but never finished with any of them. I'd like to you know, complete at least ONE language in my life and after I looked it up Norwegian is one of easier ones for native English speakers to learn so I went with that. It's also just an interesting language and it is really fun to be like "oh god that word is SO SIMILAR BUT TOTALLY DIFFERENT" lol the ADHD is a hell of a drug tho so I'm struggling to make progress lol

🌧what do you like to do on a rainy day?

I like to have a cup of tea deffo, that's the big thing for me that's different from my usual stuff since I read/write/do art normally. I do also really get excited to work on specific kinds of projects like embroidery or watercolor or read books for once lol.

✨a song you like to daydream to

I daydream to a LOT of songs honestly! Most songs tbh. it's one of the ways I construct scenes and plots, by basically making a whole playlist of songs that form the backbone/score of a scene/story/character and stitching together a Thing. A big one for literally years, like 7 years at least is/was "Running Up That Hill (Deal With God)" by Kate Bush so when I saw them using it in a context actually very similar to some of the ways I've used it myself when working on scenes in Stranger Things I was Leo Pointing At Screen memeing the whole time lol. Like the thing!! They did the thing!!! The thing I've been doing!!!!

🌙favorite book?

WOOF this is kinda hard lol. I think I can at least narrow it down a bit. I like Abarat: Days of Magic, Nights of War by Clive Barker, Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin, Sailor on the Seas of Fate by Michael Moorcock and Lirael by Garth Nix. These are all actually parts of series, I just picked the book I liked the most from the series thus far lol.

#answered #about

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unforth · 3 years ago

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Advanced warning that I'm not doing any year end memes cause I just don't have the bandwidth right now, so apologies to the folks I know already tagged me. BUT, I do annual resolutions in the Profound Bond Discord, and here's my status update from last year, and my goals for this year, in case anyone is actually curious.

End of year:

Personal Goals for 2021

I’d like to start running again: I did a little over the summer, and I've done yoga on and off all year, which is small progress but still progress?

Maybe try to lose a little weight: I lost 10 lbs! 30 to go to be where I want to be. I'm pleased with my progress tho.

I also want to try to finish my “deal with fatigue” goal from 2020: I got my ADHD diagnosis in May and say my PCP in June. She prescribed Concerta, which YES basically fixes my fatigue issues and it's so fucking nice to not be tired all the time of my fucking God guys.

Community Goals for 2021

Answering comments: basically a failure. Oh well.

Continue to support my friends’ creative efforts, maintain my side blogs and encourage others to create: among other things, I ran a challenge in May that resulted in over 100 fics being written! I ran two kink memes (the other just opened a few days ago), I ran 7 or 8 art blogs to support artists, and generally...fuck yeah done and done.

Creative Goals for 2021

Keep up my “post once a week": HAHAHAHAAAAA No. Not even counting blogging. Oh well.

Finish my two outstanding commission WIP (ideally by the end of January): noooooope.

Finish editing and finally fucking publish The Long Road: nope

Manage 15k words a month and 500k words for the year: extremely nope (I've had a really rough fall yall, sigh.)

Make my Super Secret Project a reality: ABSOLUTE SUCCESS. I started my own business, a book publisher called Duck Prints Press that works with fanfiction authors and artists to publish their original work! I considered this my most important 2021 goal and succeeding at it makes me extremely happy. Our first Kickstarter in July - August raised $25000 dollars, we got the book to backers in early November, and early reviews are very positive. Our next KS was supposed to launch today but my health didn't allow it, but we're gonna strive for mid-month instead. I'm very unhappy with how a lot of my personal 2021 went, specifically my writing, the rest I can live with, but knowing I actually did something this big, and still am, makes up for a lot.

So, mixed, I sacrificed a lot of my personal creative goals to make the business a success and ya know, I'm basically okay with it.

Onward to 2022:

Personal Goals

Get My Back Fixed: this is what fucked up my fall. I'm already working on this; I have an MRI in two days. So, odds my failing to at least make progress on this goal are zero. Here's hoping they can actually do something for me.

Keep losing weight: I got myself down from 195 to 183 last year. If I can end next year in the low 170s I'll call that a win; my actual goal is 150 to 155 but if I can do even 10 lb a year I'm fine with that, I can wait.

Exercise: considering they're gonna make me do PT for my back I think this one won't be a problem. Doesn't have to be running or a lot but if I can manage 10 minutes of something active three times a week I'll take it.

Study Chinese: I've been studying daily since September. I want to keep that up all year, and finish or at make significant progress on the book I'm translating (Sha Po Lang, it's 1400 pages, it's taken me 6 weeks to get half way through page 4, so finishing is...ambitious. but I'm trying to get up to a page a week which will help...)

Community Goals

Encourage Others to Create: really just keep doing what I'm doing. And I want to run May Trope Mayhem again. And I love my art side blogs, seeing so much art brightens my day. If possible I'd like to be a little more engaged/active in making the Kink Memes I run a success.

Keep Up the Destiel Archive: this was a goal last year too I just didn't list it for some reason. Just. Regular progress. I don't have a firm definition of that, and don't care, as long as I do SOMETHING that's enough.

Duck Prints Press: moving this to Community since my efforts mostly benefit others (I haven't taken a pay check...it's been a year...we'll get there...). Publish 4 anthologies and at least one novel by our authors. (The anthologies shouldn't be a problem...the novel might be...not for lack of content, I just need time to edit.)

Creative Goals

Ready for my crazy goal? This is my crazy goal. Post every day: I know. And if I don't keep it up 365 that's okay as long as I start strong. I have GOT to start working on my personal creative stuff again. Not doing so is killing me. Anything. A drabble. A sentence. Idc. I must write.

Work on WIP: any of them. I just want fewer wip at the end of 2022 as I have at the start.

Make Progress on The Long Road: again. Anything. Forward motion.

Post One Art Piece a Month: I was managing this through the fall so...even just a doodle, as long as I'm arting.

Fibercraft: any, but ideally the cosplay I want to do.

#unforth rambles

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vampish-glamour · 3 years ago

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I know you're not a self help blog, but do you have any tips regarding how to deal with procrastination? Like a have a very important examen coming in a week and I had the whole year to study for it. And guess what I DIDN'T. And I still don't and I'm gonna fail.

I think I have a problem...

Hi! I’m probably not the best person to ask, because I have a huge problem with procrastination too. Even with stuff I want to do! If there’s a task, I’m almost guaranteed to procrastinate.

It’s really hard not to procrastinate with stuff like what you’re describing; where you have a bunch of time so it’s easy to put things off for later. Trust me, I do this all the time. I’ll go “oh, that’s not until then, I’ll do it later!!” And then I forget about it, often subconsciously on purpose, and the “later” becomes the week or even night before.

First and foremost, break the task apart into smaller tasks!

It’s much easier to get something done if it’s not this huge thing looming over you. So instead of “study for exam”, which is big and overwhelming, and also vague—which makes it easy to ignore or not know where to start, break it down into “read chapter 1 of textbook”, or “read pages 10-15”. Once you’re done that, make it “read chapter 2” or “read pages 16-20”. And just keep doing this until you’ve studied everything you need to study.

This helped me a lot, because now I’m not freaking out about this huge thing that needs to get done, and “holy shit where do I start”. Because I have a starting point, and a roadmap of how I’m going to finish.

I find writing things down helps, because then it’s on paper and not just tucked away in your mind for you to forget. Bullet journals can help with this…

…but if you’re like me, that bullet journal will become useless because you’ll never open it. (Mine has not been touched for months lmao. And since I’m a major perfectionist, setting up pages is very tedious since I turn it into an art project. I’ll try again, but make it as simplistic as possible)

Currently what I have, is a sticky note wall. It’s just the section of wall right next to my desk, and I have little labels to sort things by topic to organize it. So I can just write down tasks that need to get done, slap it underneath the topic it falls under (so for example, your “study for exam” would fall under “school”), and it’s there, staring me in the face. This makes it harder to forget what you have to do.

You could also do this with a bulletin board, but I have one of those and I use it much less than sticky notes. Since it’s just so easy to slap a sticky note up and take it off when you’re done with it, without having to worry about pins lol. My bulletin board is mostly for long term things. But it really comes down to personal preference.

Additionally, I’ve heard people recommend setting yourself deadlines and writing them all down together. Make yourself a planner that you can slap up along with the sticky notes, with set dates that you should have parts of whatever it is you’re doing done by.

With studying, the tasks needed to complete could be page numbers, chapters, topics, etc. So your planner could be pages you need to have read by a certain date, for example.

This isn’t something I have implemented for myself yet, and I mostly do it with the sticky notes. So I’ll break the task down, and write the first little task on the sticky note, then when I complete that task I take it down and replace it with the next one. I find this less overwhelming than having everything laid out in front of me, because it sort of tricks me into feeling like there’s not as much work to be done if I’m just focusing on the smaller tasks instead of the large one. But I do think it would be helpful to have a list of things I need to get done and their deadlines in one place.

And for deadlines, since I don’t have them written down all in one place, I mostly just use personal goals. So I’ll set the goal of “I want to have this done by Tuesday next week” for example, and having that goal can be a bit of motivation.

Tbh this is a bit of a flimsy system though, since it’s not as set in stone as it would be in writing. Which is why I do have the goal of finding a system that works for me where I can have everything in one place. Making lists in a bullet journal worked for me, the only downfalls were my perfectionism and forgetting to actually use the bullet journal. So I’ll work on ways to fix that.

A channel that I’ve found helps with these sorts of problems is HowToADHD. I’m not sure if I have ADHD or not, since I’m going through the diagnosis process, but the tips are helpful anyways. And I do know that people who don’t have it use the channel as a resource, since you can take the tips that apply to you and utilize them. Here’s a video she did on procrastination! She even starts the video off noting that the tips are helpful to both people with and without ADHD. So it really is a helpful tool for anybody.

On that note; if procrastination is a big problem for you to the point that it’s interfering with your daily life, I would recommend seeking out professional help. Because there could be something going on executive dysfunction wise.

Tl;dr/short version of tips;

BREAK THE TASK DOWN INTO SMALLER TASKS. I can’t stress how helpful this has been for me. It gives you a place to start, and makes everything seem much less overwhelming.

Write stuff down!! It’ll help you remember that it’s something you need to get done.

Leave this written form somewhere you can see it! Don’t tuck it away in a drawer, because then you’re going to forget about it and there was no point to writing it down in the first place.

Set yourself deadlines, and write them down so they feel more real and motivate you to get the job done.

Use sticky notes as reminders of what you need to do.

Other options are bulletin boards and bullet journals/planners. Depends on personal preference

Have a list of everything you need to do all in one place (like the bullet journal or planner)

I really hope this wasn’t too all over the place, and that at least some of the advice helps! 💖

I understand what you’re going through, so I hope you can find something that works for you, because procrastination is a bitch to deal with. But there’s ways to manage it, and if the things I’ve suggested don’t work for you, there’s lots of YouTube channels or other resources online (I’m sure there’s even books) that can offer other solutions! Best of luck!! 💕

#asks #xaosminion #I feel this so much because procrastination is a huge weakness of mine

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forthemorefortunate · 4 years ago

Text

Live Like Animals

Nessian Modern AU

Merry Chris- er, happy New Year to my secret snowflake! @ncssian 💕😅

I hope you like the fic! I’ll be honest, when I filled out the application for the secret snowflake, I said I could make a fic believing that it was very unlikely somebody would ask for one 🥴🤔 But lemme say, I LOVED writing this, which is definitely something I didn’t expect. More than that, I’ve never been much of a Nesta or Nessian fan, but actually thinking through their characters and interactions for this fic gave me a whole new perspective on and appreciation for them (even if I’m not the best at writing their characters, aha), so thank you!

A few quick things about the fic:

(Ik I already told you this, but for anybody else reading this aha) This is my first fic! So please take it easy on me 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Okay so this part is kind of weird, but there’s kind of a corresponding playlist 😅 Each part is named after a song. You can play the songs while reading or not, I know for me personally (*cough* my ADHD ass) it’s hard to listen to music and read at the same time. The title is also the name of a song! Except that one is more random, haha (I couldn’t think of a title, so I shuffled my entire library and chose the first song as the title, and it kinda worked so I went with it)

One more quick thing – thanks to @moussescientist @ko0mbayamylord @blxckbeak @chanberry @mikitheswiftie @potatoburp @dead-on-the-inside666 @queenoffortunes and two anons for answering a question, and a HUGE thanks to Skye, @oneoutofamillionbooklovers for all your help and for roleplaying the parts I got stuck on with me ❤️

Part 1: Distant Early Warning (Rush)

Nesta pulled the dress over her head, letting it slide into place over her body. Screw this, she thought for the millionth time, yet she continued to get herself ready, turning to glance at her reflection when she was finished. She raised an eyebrow and nodded slightly at the woman looking back through the mirror. The woman Nesta spied had on a satin slip dress, darkest blue. She wore no jewelry save for the small silver studs in her ears, and her hair was pulled into a neat-yet-simple updo.

Why Nesta even agreed to go to this party she didn’t know. There was nothing different about it, just another college booze fest. The music would be too loud, the air too heavy, the guys too grabby, and the company too... clubby. Feyre insisted that she would fit right into her friend group – her clique – but Nesta wasn’t sure she wanted that. She padded over to the door of her apartment. No, Nesta was quite certain that “fitting in” with Feyre’s newfound friends was something she didn’t care for at all.

Nesta’s phone buzzed on her kitchen counter as she slipped on a pair of black heels, and she picked up to Feyre’s forcibly perky voice. “Hey! We just pulled up, you coming?”

“No.” Response blunt, tone dry. The line was silent for a long moment, and Nesta held in a sigh. “Did I give you the impression that I was interested in coming?”

“Nesta, I’m not in the mood for fucking around,” Feyre said, perkiness mysteriously faded now. “It’s just one party! I promise you’ll have fun.” Bullshit.

“Since when have I ever-”

“And everyone else really wants you to come, too!” Feyre cut her off, “Rhys is excited to meet you!”

Rhys. Feyre’s boyfriend. Nesta groaned inwardly, truly dreading any interaction with the rugby star. Feyre had immediately caught the eye of the local heartthrob, and the two began a serious relationship shortly after meeting. And with one came the others. In high school they would have been labeled “popular.” They were quite possibly the closest group of friends at the college, almost all of them having known each other since childhood. And Feyre had slipped right in among them. Nesta had warned Feyre against making the tight pack of fourth-years her main group of friends, and she had her own opinions about a freshman dating a senior, but Feyre didn’t make a habit of following Nesta’s advice. Rather, she seemed to think she could give Nesta – a third-year – much more valuable guidance. Domineering bitch.

“I don’t give a shit about your friends, Feyre. I’m only coming because of our deal,” Nesta said. Feyre had been pestering her all semester, spewing crap about how Nesta and Feyre should spend more time together. Nesta should get out more. Nesta should tag along with Feyre’s friend group. Nesta should have some fun.

More bullshit.

As second semester began, Feyre had proposed a deal: Nesta would go to one party with Feyre and her buddies, and if she honestly didn’t enjoy it, Feyre would stop asking her to join them.

“I’m on my way. Let’s just get it over with,” Nesta grumbled, and with that, she hung up the phone and opened the apartment door.

Part 2: Can You Afford to Be An Individual? (Nothing but Thieves

Nesta looked around the group of fourth-years–plus Feyre–arranged in front of her. Introductions were unnecessary; you couldn’t attend this school without knowing who they were. Her eyes fell first upon Rhys, his arm around Feyre’s waist. His chin lifted slightly as she made eye contact. Rhys: double major in history and foreign policy. President of the astrology club. Captain of the rugby team, possibly one of the best players the school had ever seen. He was the group leader, though nobody said it aloud. Nesta knew him well. Perhaps she only knew his type well, or her own perception of his type, but that didn’t keep her from holding his gaze a few moments longer than would be comfortable. Then she turned her scrutiny on his sidekicks, so she called them, Cassian and Azriel. The former wore jeans and a baggy black jacket over his rugby uniform in the school colors: black and red. The latter wore black pants with a dark blue button-down shirt untucked.

Cassian smirked as her eyes met his. “Glad you decided to make an appearance,” he drawled. She narrowed her eyes at him, and his smile widened in response. Cocky bastard. Azriel, double majoring in political science and criminology, simply nodded at her in greeting.

After the sidekicks came Rhys’s cousin Mor, an architecture major with a minor in design. She was entirely too peppy in a way that left Nesta exhausted, but Nesta wouldn’t give her satisfaction by scoffing at her cocked hip and half-grin, ostensibly projecting confidence. She held Mor’s stare, matching her asserted confidence with a cool security in her own assets. The half-smile twisted, just slightly, and Nesta moved on to the short girl farthest to the right: Amren.

Amren scared people. As in, people were genuinely freaked out by her. Aside from a few cultish tendencies, her occasional propensity for violence and/or verbal outbursts, and her sharp expression, though, Nesta couldn’t tell why. Amren majored in gemology and minored in linguistics, and was the only one in the group other than Feyre to have not known the others since they were little. In fact, she was studying here from abroad, though nobody actually knew where she was from. Unlike Mor, Amren presented a confidence that Nesta could believe in and respect. Nesta maintained her chilled posture, but let the bite in her expression retreat.

As for Feyre’s introducing Nesta, that was unnecessary as well. They all knew her; most upperclassmen did. Or rather they knew of her, by the name of heinous bitch. If she were being honest with herself, she didn’t mind the nickname.

“Okay,” Feyre started, her voice expectant as she tilted her chin to look at Rhys’s face, “Let’s head in?” Feyre, Rhys, and Nesta had met up with the rest of the group in the parking lot before they entered the party. Fashionably late, Feyre had told her on the drive in Rhys’s tesla. Rhys taught me that the key to maintaining his public image is in making grand entrances. God, Nesta wanted to laugh at Rhys’s influence over her.

As they entered the building holding the party Nesta immediately stiffened, and had to close her eyes for a moment against the harsh blue and purple lights cast by PAR cans. All senses at once were smacked by the presence of weed. The floor was vibrating, and speakers blasted near-deafening music so that all Nesta could really hear was thunder. Jesus Christ, I hate parties, she thought. A mass of sweaty bodies shifted and bounced through the too-heavy air ahead of her, some only silhouettes in the murky haze, through which Nesta saw red solo cups littering every possible surface. Suddenly she noticed Feyre standing next to her, fidgeting with her clutch and looking over expectantly. Nesta shot her a withering look that said, “This is not what we agreed to.” Feyre had the nerve to look guilty.

“Okay before you say anything,” Feyre began, “I know that look, and... I know this is a bit bigger than we talked about-”

“A bit?! This is a rager, Feyre. Do I look like I rage?”

“Okay no, but I promise Rhys and I have a plan.” Oh my God.

Nesta gave her another glare and plucked a cup off a nearby table. Sniffing it, she sighed and took a big swig. “Please, my dearest sister, do tell.”

“We’re going with a buddy system.”

Nesta coughed. “A buddy system – are you fucking kidding me?” She spied Rhys and his dickhead friends in the corner of her eye. “Wow, are arts and crafts before or after beer pong?”

Feyre rolled her eyes, calling a fresh wave of frustration to roll over Nesta. “Can you shut it with the attitude, Nesta? I already apologized for the crowd of people – it kind of got out of hand. Rhys told me before we left but I didn’t want to scare you out of coming.” She gave Nesta a pleading look.

“Tch, whatever. Who’s my buddy? I assume you’ll be with Rhys?”

Feyre beamed at her. “You’re paired up with Cassian!”

“Cassian.” Great. Alpha dickhead.

“Don’t be like that. He knows his way around these things and he’ll keep you from accidentally overdosing or blacking out.”

“Who said that wasn’t my intention?”

Feyre scrunched her face up. “Either way, you can’t deny that he’s bigger and taller than half the creepy guys here. He’ll keep unwanted attention away.”

Nesta watched as Rhys, lead hulking rugby bro dickhead, caught sight of her sister and eyed her with what might have been lust or love – Nesta couldn’t decide. Cassian, approaching from Rhys’s side, cut Nesta a slow, purposeful look down and back up to her face. She felt an annoying tingle down her spine as the crowds parted for them. This was going to be a long night.

Part 3: Inhaler (Foals)

They had been at the party for less than ten minutes and Nesta already wanted to leave. Drink in hand, she aimlessly wandered around the outskirts of the crowd, hoping to find a place to sit farther from the lights that drowned out any rational thought that flashed through her brain. Cassian trailed a few steps behind.

“So, what do you do for fun?”

She twisted around to glare at him. “Why are you talking to me?”

Cassian puffed out a laugh and spread his arms wide, responding, “If you don’t recall, we’re kind of stuck together, darling.”

Right. Nesta rolled her eyes. “How could I forget?” Cassian left the question hanging, still following her, so she forged on. “I like to read. A concept that’s probably foreign to you.” She dodged a young couple parting from the fray to make out against the wall, and paused to reorient herself.

“You might be surprised.” Nesta groaned inwardly and arched a brow. “Oh I have no doubt.”

“None at all?”

“What. Are you on volume seven of Captain Underpants?”

“Volume eight, actually.”

Nesta stopped. She was pissed. Pissed at this party, pissed at Feyre for lying about how big it was, pissed that she was stuck with rugby bro sidekick, pissed that the purple lights suddenly seemed a lot brighter, the music a lot louder, her thoughts a lot fuzzier. “Look, Cassian. I only came here as a favor to my sister. We’re not friends.” He started to cut her off, but she continued, turning so that they fully faced each other, “You don’t have to stay, I can take care of myself.”

He leaned in close, the laughter in his tone suddenly gone. “Listen, princess. You’ve had two beers and you’re already tipsy. I get it, we’re not friends. But there are at least four guys looking at you like they want to take you against the nearest surface and I’m the only man within a thirty-foot radius that has any self-control. There’s no way I’m leaving.” He held her gaze firmly.

“So that’s it – I’m just supposed to trust you? My knight in shining armor, here to protect my virtue? That ship sailed a long time ago.” Fuck it. “I wouldn’t mind taking you for a ride though,” Nesta said, flashing a smirk at the end.

Cassian’s lips twisted into a half-grin, but she could see annoyance rising up in his eyes. “Nesta, you don’t wanna play with me.”

“Brute.” Nesta turned and started walking away again.

“Bitch.” He followed.

Nesta scoffed. “How original.”

“Not all of us are English Lit majors.”

Somehow Nesta tripped on her own foot at that moment, staggering sideways into Cassian’s path. He lunged forward, arms going around her waist to hoist her upright. Her lip curled and she spit out, “And not all of us are rugby stars,” and shoved her way out of his arms.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Cassian asked, incredulous.

“Cassian, I’m sure there are plenty of girls here that would love your attention. But I’m not one of them.” She turned around to face him, walking backwards, and almost tripped again. “So go on and play with someone else. I don’t care. Just leave me alone.” With that, Nesta thrust herself into the fray, pushing her way through the mass of shouting people, making the crowd a barrier between herself and Cassian.

Part 4: Emergency (Nothing but Thieves)

After five minutes of random college students bumping into her from every direction, her head pounding and thoughts muddled, Nesta realized she didn’t know which direction the exit was in. Fuck. She was disoriented and exasperated, her frustration now showing in her usually unshakable expression. She couldn’t even tell which direction the light was coming from. How many beers had she drunk? Two? Three? She wasn’t usually a drinker, and it hit her then that she hadn’t eaten for hours before the party started. Stupid, she thought. This was why she didn’t do parties.

She was so distracted trying to figure out where the light source was, trying to get her bearings at least, that she didn’t catch sight of a brooding figure wending its way toward her until the man had a hold of her wrist and was pulling her to the side of the room, wherever that was.

“Hey! Get the fuck off me!” Nesta shouted over the crowd, but couldn’t get a response from the man until they found one of the cinder block walls.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” he asked, his voice cruel as he tried to pull her closer. “We’re just having a bit of fun, that’s all.”

“Excuse me?” Nesta ripped free of his grasp, but he backed her into a corner. He had a drink in one hand. Not good.

“Hey, hey, no need to get worked up,” he drawled, “I saw the way you were looking at me.” Looking at him? Nesta thought. This was the first she’d seen of him.

Nesta tried to step to the side, but the man followed her, his senses keener than hers in her condition. He reached out for her arm again, and Nesta shouted this time. “Don’t touch me!”

He put his hand up as if in innocence. “Come now, I’ll make it fun for you. Just have a drink.” He brought the cup toward her face, his hand now reaching behind her head, which she snatched away.

“I swear to God, can’t you bastards understand that no means no?”

“You-”

“Get the fuck away from me, creep!” She aimed a kick at his groin, but he easily dodged it.

His mouth hardened into a line, and he growled, “Just take the damn drink, bitch!”

The man shoved her into the corner, her head hitting the wall. He brought his hand up to hold her back by her shoulders as he brought the cup up toward her lips and-

“Let me go or I promise you’ll regret it.” Last resort.

He shot her a crooked grin and began to reply, but whatever response he had in mind was cut short.

A voice from behind him said, “And she never goes back on a promise, asshole.” The man was wrenched off her body by two strong hands, and pulled over to the side to give her an out, which she quickly took advantage of.

And there, dragging the man away from her, was Cassian.

The creep tried to play it cool. “Hey, Cassian, bro, what’s up, man?” he said mock-casually, “I caught your last game! great playing, dude!” His demeanor shifted completely as he turned on his bro mode.

Cassian’s jaw was set. He tightened his grip on the man’s shoulder, his stare withering. “You need to leave. Right now.”

Yet the man kept going with a smirk, “It’s all good bro, we can share.”

That was a step too far.

Cassian grabbed the man’s shirt, pulling him close. “That’s the thing – I don’t share. I don’t play nice.” Cassian thrust his face forward so they were only a couple inches apart. “You said you caught my last game, right? So you know I don’t go down without a fight. Touch her again and you’ll regret it.” With that, he shoved the guy into a table, and turned to Nesta. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

Part 5: Before We Drift Away (Nothing but Thieves)

Dizzy and shaken, Nesta let Cassian guide her through the crowd to the exit. Once they were outside in the cool night air, he pulled her aside, gaze dark.

“Did he hurt you?”

“No.”

“Did he force you to drink whatever was in that cup?”

“No.”

His eyes closed and relief flooded across his face. “Good. God, some people are fucked up. I don’t know what I would have done if he had drugged you, or taken you away, or...” He trailed off, leaving anything further than that unsaid.

They were silent for a minute. Nesta looked up at him, a bit of worry still etched across his features. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you care so much?”

He looked over to her, something strange in his expression that Nesta couldn’t place. “I don’t know. You’re a human being, and your safety was left in my hands.” He paused and looked away. “If I’m being honest, when I saw that guy put his hands on you... I don’t know. Something flipped inside me.” At that moment he looked down to her bare shoulders, noticing that she was beginning to shiver. “You’re cold,” he said softly. “Here, take this.” He removed his jacket and draped it over her shoulders, even when she protested.

Nesta frowned as she gave in and pulled his jacket tightly around her, annoyed at the way her body betrayed her. “I don’t need protection. I’ve lived a long time without people to care about me.” She started walking toward the parking lot, and he followed.

“You shouldn’t have to live like that, Nesta. You’ve been pushing me away all night, but listen to me – don’t you understand? I’m not just talking to you because I’m bored. I don’t smile at you as a game, as if you’re some prize for me to win. Can’t you see by now that I’m doing literally everything I can just to stay by your side? Damn it, I asked Feyre to pair us together at the party.”

Nesta had stopped walking and was speechless for once.

Cassian stepped closer tentatively, as though she’d back away. He ran a finger over Nesta’s wrist and looked up to the sky. “Please, just don’t make me say anything else completely insane. I promise I’m not in the habit of sharing intense moments with perfect strangers.”

A rush of anger coursed through Nesta, and she shoved him back. “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t talk to me like that. Despite what you must think, I’m not an idiot. I’m not naive. I am well aware that this is all a favor to my sister. Stay with my lame, antisocial sister. It might be fun, right?” She paused, any restraint she had used earlier having completely abandoned her.

“That’s not what I think at all, Nes-”

“Fuck you, Cassian.” She shoved him again, more aggressively this time.

Cassian caught her wrists and pulled her closer. “Try that again.”

Nesta glared. “Bite me,” she spit out.

“Maybe I will.”

And as though drawn to her by some gravitational force, Cassian’s mouth came crashing down onto hers. He wrapped his arms around her waist, seeming to lift her off her feet. Nesta’s bare skin burned where Cassian touched her, and she pushed back against his touch to gain control. Everything, every thought was fading to nothing. Biting down on his lip drew out a low groan from Cassian, and Nesta broke free.

Cassian put his hands up as though to make a barrier between them, as though he wouldn’t be able to control himself without it.

“So much for being the only man with self-control,” Nesta said. Cassian just shook his head, earning a light snort from Nesta. “I shut everyone out--even pretty jocks like you. Don’t take it personally. It’s just easier.”

Cassian smiled his easy smile, and he reached up to touch his lips with a thumb. “You think I’m pretty?”

Nesta scoffed. “The prettiest.”

He stood there for a moment, just smiling at her, before turning back toward the parking lot. “Okay, princess, allow me to introduce you to the pinnacle of after-party activities.”

Nesta raised a brow, and Cassian let out a bark of laughter.

“Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about pancakes.”

She looked skeptical. “Pancakes?”

“Yes. And after the night you had, you deserve an entire plate of them.” Cassian reached out to her with his big, warm hand, and Nesta hesitated.

“Cassian-” She started warily.

“Hey – I’m not asking you to marry me, it’s just pancakes.”

Nesta waited a moment more, then took his hand. “Fine. But I’m not sharing the chocolate sauce.”

“I wouldn’t dare ask you to. Besides, you already know how I feel about sharing.”

Nesta smiled a bit. “Hey Cassian?

“Yes Nesta?”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

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