#abusive families

[furiousgoldfish]

One of the most hypocritical 'rules' of abusive families is that if you tell anyone outside the family, or even inside, something that makes your parents 'look bad', you're automatically betraying them. Like it's your job to keep their secrets and to protect them from 'looking bad to others' at any cost. They'll enforce this rule not only by warning you that 'what happens at home stays at home' but actively punishing you if you accidentally let something slip that you didn't even know wasn't normal to do to kids.

On the other hand, they can do whatever they fuck they want to you, and it's still not betrayal, in their own point of view. They can neglect you, fail to take care of you, ignore you, turn you into their emotional-support-child, have you do their part of work at home, have you responsible for more things than they themselves are, they can fail to teach you any life skills, fail to nurture your psychological health, fail to protect you from predators, fail to keep you safe completely, hell they can even get violent and knock you around and torture you for fun and entertainment, humiliate you as a joke and throw insults at you as if you were not a human being, and still it somehow doesn't count as betrayal!

And the thing is, all things on that list that they do to you are a betrayal! All of this means they've failed to provide a family to you, it all means you've been emotionally abandoned and forced to live as if you had no family at all, you had to earn your right to eat and sleep there, you had to raise yourself while enduring abuse, you had to deal with everything in life alone and fear your own lack of abilities to take care of yourself because nobody ever did that and nobody ever taught you how!

Telling others what happens at your home, however, is not a betrayal, it's simply repeating your experience to someone! If your family isn't abusive, this should be a normal and safe thing to do, even with uncomfortable and weird situation, it would not make a family member look abusive if they weren't actually actively abusing you.

You have not betrayed anyone if you speak your truth. The rules of 'everything must go in our favour and nothing in yours' are not real. That is not what family does. If this is what your family demanded of you, they weren't a family to you. Family should be benefiting children, not the reverse! Children are not obliged to do anything to be a part of family! It should be your birthright.

We are not going to build up a world where children are supposed to be 'of good use' to their parents, rather than the parents doing everything they possibly can to raise a happy, valued and healthy child. If you ended up miserable, guilty, traumatized, abandoned, neglected, unwanted, feeling worthless and like something about you is unlovable or irredeemable - they betrayed you. They hurt you when you were the most vulnerable and most in need of safety and protection. You do not owe them anything. And you do not have to forgive them.

[unwelcome-ozian]

[dreamy-conceit]

If they treated you differently at home than they did in public, they knew.

— Purrie (@eyesore1994)

[thedepressedweasel]

Parenting Pro-Tip #5000

Parents disciplining their children should actually mean:

Helping them learn from their mistakes

Explaining that whatever they did is wrong and what they can do to not do it again

Explaining the consequences of their actions and then helping them avoid the consequences

Using reason to teach them right from wrong

Grounding them for a brief period of time (usually for one day at the shortest and for no longer than a week as the longest)

Not letting them do certain things (i.e. watching TV, playing video games, hanging out with their friends, etc.) for a brief period of time

Teaching them to treat people of all ages with mutual respect

Parents disciplining their children should not mean:

Hitting/beating them up for being disobedient

Destroying their prized possessions

Locking them up in an extremely dark room for several hours

Threatening to institutionalize them

Threatening to have them arrested

Threatening to send them away to a boarding school

Threatening to kick them out and let them die in the streets

Threatening to disown them

Holding certain things over their heads

Grounding them for longer periods of time than necessary

Forcing them to do ridiculous amounts of chores after grounding them

Chaining them to a garage/basement and throwing meals at them

Sending them to bed without food (most likely dinner)

Screaming at them/blowing up at them

Calling them names

Cussing them out

Abusing them anyway they see fit

Brainwashing them into doing what the parents themselves want

[majaurukalo]

Yes, it‘s hard being a parent. But you know what? Parenthood is a choice, today more than ever.

You know what isn’t a choice? Being born. Being born into this World and being children of messy, emotionally immature and sometimes abusive parents who were definitely not ready to be parents.

[pinethagoras]

Dear teenagers in abusive homes,

I just want you to know that no matter how much your family tries to gaslight you or tries to convince you that you being upset about your abuse is just "teenage angst", YOUR FEELINGS MATTER AND ARE VALID

[grouchydairy]

Some people will never understand what it's like to have abusive parents, and will continue to stand on their side to shame you. All they see is this imaginary version of these parents, with aspects of themselves pieced into it, so the more you actually tell your story, the more they reject it, thinking that you're rejecting them. The irony is, despite being connected to you somehow, these people who only set out to see that part of themselves in your parents rather than how they connect to you as a friend, a coworker, whomever... they drive you further away. And I'm beginning to become okay with those connections being driven away, with the knowledge that in a safer place, space, I have been able to rebuild friendships and a chosen family that matters. And cares. And I truly hope that can be true for you too.

[missdrarrydawn]

As someone currently formulating an escape strategy from abusive family the amount of planning and sacrifice and saving and maneuvering and scheming and lying it takes to come to the end result of successfully cutting contact so far has been insanely stressful, difficult and terrifying

I live with constant anxiety and fear because not everything I need is in place yet and there are so many things I have to hide for my own safety and so many things I have to work around so that everything happens on my own terms as peacefully and carefully as possible

It's not at all as simple as "just going no contact". There are many tangles in need of unraveling, and difficult conversations to be had and life changes to be made to accommodate

Doing this often requires the perfect circumstances and the right conditions and those just don't exist most of the time so you have to brute force them into existence from scratch like I'm doing right now, which takes hard work and time

It's already taken me 4 months and I don't expect to have everything ready by January or even February, and that's if everything goes according to my plans and needs, which it might not

I feel like I'm playing chess against fate and just praying her next move doesn't unexpectedly checkmate me from a direction I couldn't have forseen

So yes, the above tweets are absolutely true

This is complicated, it's a nightmare to live through

It'll be worth it one day, and I'll thank myself for having escaped, but that escape will not come easy or smoothly

[joyfulghostskeletonpizza]

You cannot "desert" an abusive family.

Read that again.

They will try to tell you that you have, & guilt you for it & shame you for it, but the reality is - if they are abusive to you?

They have already betrayed and deserted YOU.

You are just removing yourself from people who are harmful to you.

Billy Connolly once said of his father's sexual abuse of him: "He was disloyal to me".

I think about that a lot.

.

.

[infatuatedlilbitch]

In finally processing my abusive childhood for real I've finally realized the "happy" memories I had weren't actually me experiencing happiness for real but just random abuse-free days. I am not destined to be sad

[unwelcome-ozian]

[flock-of-cassowaries]

Well, Margot definitely wasn’t in therapy for that.

…but, ironically, I think she got the best care of any of Hannibal’s patients that we see.

[ Longer Margot Verger - Hannibal Lecter - Mason Verger - Mischa Lecter analysis under the cut. ]

I think she was actually the only person in the show he wasn’t trying to manipulate. Like, he wasn’t trying to get her to kill her brother - he literally told her wait until you can get away with it, or to get someone else to do it.

And like, yeah, maybe that played into his whole Can I Make Will Graham a Murderer??? experiment, but the “Your brother will always deny you,” observation was spot-on, and when your family are abusive pieces of shit, sometimes that’s the exact kind of pithy comment it takes to allow you to see things clearly. (I mean, for me that meant going no-contact, not drowning my parents in a tank full of eels, but you know; similar.)

Hannibal also did her a big favour by taking the blame for killing Mason (even if he definitely subsequently used it to blackmail Alanna for special mental-hospital privileges for the next three years; I don’t think that’s why he made the offer).

The first time through, I was with Will in assuming that he (Hannibal) was probably the one responsible for Mason finding out about Margot’s pregnancy, but on re-watch, I don’t know if we can lay that at his little manipulative-cannibal feet; because it seems like Mason already suspected, and, in any case, he certainly would have noticed if she’d carried to term.

Overall, my read (which is definitely skewed in favour of being generous to Hannibal, as a character) is that Mason was possibly the only person on the show who he found morally reprehensible, rather than just rude, obnoxious, tiresome, or insignificant.

Like, Hannibal’s evil, but apparently even Il Mostro has standards, and there is apparently a level of evil even he finds morally intolerable.

I imagine it probably surprised him to realize this.

I do wonder what part of it awakened his long-dormant sense of opprobrium. Mason is heavily implied to be a perpetrator of CSA, so it could definitely be that; but it also strikes me that the specific fact that Mason is torturing his younger sister, and that since Hannibal’s own original sin could very well be that he failed to protect his own sister… yeah. That might be relevant.

(Not that I’m down with the nazi-cannibals / whatever was going on with the old man in s3 backstory - that all kind of sucks, IMO.

But I do personally like to headcannon that his sister’s death was the turning point where Hannibal felt like he had failed so badly that he might as well reinvent himself from scratch as an inhuman predator, because he was obviously undeserving of life when she was dead, and also, any form of justice or fairness in the world was an illusion.) (Don’t do nihilism, kids.)

1x05 || 1x10 || 2x01 || 2x09

[only1lorrie]

[incorrectbatfam]

I hate canon Bruce Wayne hitting his kids so how does he discipline them WITHOUT abuse?

(where's that post about how anything can be a punishment if you frame it as one)

———————

Dick: *breaks the chandelier while swinging from it*

Bruce: *hands him a broom*

Dick: Yeah that's fair.

Bruce: Also you have to use the Batman plate at dinner.

Dick: Please no, I hate that plate.

Bruce: You should've thought about that before.

———————

Tim: *logs into the Batcomputer without permission*

Bruce: And what do you think you're doing?

Tim: I know I've been benched but I just need to—

Bruce: Sit.

Tim: *sits down*

Bruce: *puts on The Bee Movie*

Bruce: If you insist on being down here while injured, then you're gonna watch this in its entirety.

———————

Cass: *blinks*

Bruce: And you think that's an excuse?

Cass: *blinks*

Bruce: We're going for a drive and I'm picking the music.

Cass: *blinks*

Bruce: Maybe you'll take this as a lesson.

———————

Jason: *causes a crime scene*

Jason: Go ahead, punish me. I'll still be right.

Bruce: *takes out a marker*

Bruce: *draws a mustache on Jason's helmet*

Bruce: It'll wash off in three weeks.

Jason: WHAT?!

Bruce: Actions have consequences.

———————

Steph: *breaks protocol*

Bruce: Go change your cape in the car.

Steph: That's not fair!

Bruce: That's the rule.

Steph: *grumbles and puts on a cape that's a slightly different shade of purple from the rest of her suit*

———————

Duke: *sneaks in after curfew*

Bruce: *flicks the light on*

Bruce: Do you know what time it is?

Duke: I can explain—

Bruce: Yogurt. Now.

Duke: But I don't want yogurt.

Bruce: I don't care. Go eat a cup of yogurt and think about what you did.

———————

Damian: *drops his fork at dinner*

Damian: Fuck.

Bruce: *pulls out a straw*

Damian: You wouldn't.

Bruce: *takes a sip of Damian's drink*

Damian: I hate this family.

Dick, eating off the Bat-plate: You and me both.

[raincitygirl76]

This totally makes sense. We’ve canonically seen Micke handling Simon violently. And Simon didn’t react with total shock, suggesting it’s happened before when Micke was drunk and angry.

Also, it would explain Sara’s absolute rage at Micke. And her sense of betrayal at Simon for reinitiating contact with Micke, if Micke has pushed her around and she’s witnessed him hurt Simon as well. And Sara’s anger at Linda for not getting her kids away from Micke sooner. I don’t think it’s only about them having to witness his descent into self/destruction. It’s probably also about what he did when he was under the influence.

Finally, Linda freezing up at Lucia when Micke arrived. She was like a deer in the headlights, no visible response whatsoever to his sudden appearance at her side. That’s not a particularly normal reaction to unexpectedly seeing your non-abusive ex-husband. More like a trauma response.

Micke probably didn’t beat his wife and kids to a pulp when he was drunk or high. But I strongly suspect he did get physical with all of them on occasion. Enough that they’re physically afraid of him.

When Wille tries to touch Simon’s face, at the field, he immediately reacts by avoiding the touch.

Simon had the same reaction when his dad finds out that he stoles his pills.

In the opening scene of episode 5, Simon woke up as soon as Wille hand reached his face.

I know he probably reacted in that way 'cause he was already traumatized for what happened earlier with his father but maybe he also remembered the abuse received from him when Simon was kid and Micke used substances?

Also, Wille, at the field, was in a similar state of Micke. This makes Simon feel vulnerable.

I know that anyone haven't specified if Micke has been aggressive with his kids in the past, but it would makes sense.

[syntheticcharmva]

I need HELP

I feel unsafe in my own home, not sure if or when it's all going to be taken away from me after threats made by my father. who's decided to pull the rug out from under my whole family, we're fighting how we can, but i want to get out of all this. We're trying to hopefully handle this with legal means, stops his threats in it's tracks, but my living situation feels deeply unsafe and it feels like I'll need to back up everything and run any day now, my sleeps been a mess, and I've been a mess of anxiety while this all goes on. the support has been helping me get some piece of mind, but i'm REALLY looking to ge the hell out of all of this drama that's been my life and ge tas far away from that man as possible. he's hurt me throughout my life and I'm so tired of it, I just want to move away, do something else. start my own life without this looming shadow over it. you've all supported a ton, and I'm beyond greatful. you've spread the word, and it's been wonderful for keeping me safe in the moment, but any further support will be actively put towards me getting the fuck out. if everyone who saw this donated a single dollar, i'd be practically half way to my goal,