#a lot of them are trauma responses though

[iamthezip]

Charles Rowland Exploration

I have a question for the Dead Boy Detective fandom. A fun exploration of character psychology and development.What would Charles Rowland be like if he wasn't "saved"? 

For context, I've read a lot of Alive Boy AUs. I've seen some where both boy save each other from their respective "deaths". I've mostly seen ones where Edwin has lived through the "prank sacrifice" and whatever non-Hell bad came out of it and is around to save Charles in the attic from freeing to death. Lastly, I've seen a few where both boys have survived their ordeals and met each other afterwards. And this is the scenario I've been thinking about. (I'm gonna add here that I've thoroughly enjoyed every Alive Boy fic I've read. My question is because my brain likes to go down rabbit holes, not because I'm criticing or criticizing any fic I've read).In the context of the show, we see Edwin's reaction to his trauma and not being "saved". I feel like his dislike and distrust of the living is in part due to how he died and that no one cared enough to stop it, to save him. Plus, adding in his childhood. We know he has a fear of dolls. We know he's hypervigilant about Hell - aside from Niko's death, Edwin is always the first to mention the need to get away before Death comes. This is often carried over into fics. Alive Boy Edwin usually is written with a PTSD response to his near-death - nightmares, hypervigilance, distrust, withdrawal from social engagement, etc. Sometimes even a fear of having the door unlocked or fear of being tied down/grabbed. 

In the context of the show, we never seen Charles who wasn't "saved". I'm putting quotation marks here because I don't mean saved as in death prevented. In the show, Charles still dies, but I feel like Edwin still saves him in a way. Charles experienced betrayal by everyone meant to care for him and protect him. His father, his friends, his school - covering up his death definitely counts as betrayal even if it happened after the fact. But at the moment of his death, a stranger appears and is kind. A boy who spent 70 years in Hell after being sacrificed by his classmates, and who has every reason to be the worst person ever, decides to be kind - to keep him company, to get him extra blankets and a lantern, to read to him. It doesn't even end there. Charles isn't alone after his death as Edwin was. Charles has Edwin at his side, and he can trust Edwin in a way he couldn't trust others because Edwin was there for him. He didn't take advantage of Charles being weak from cold or unable to smile and talk his way out of trouble. He didn't have anything to gain by helping Charles, and Charles would later learn that hanging around a dying person was a risk to Edwin. So Charles isn't alone after his death and is with someone he feels he can trust. To add to that, Charles has a purpose (protecting Edwin from Hell and solving cases, however long it took them to get to that). This also gives Charles a direction for any anger/rage and also a reason to keep up the smile. "Keep up spirits for all of us" is what Charles tells Crystal. Yes, Charles still has his trauma responses - see the entirety of ep 3-5. Those responses are almost entirely tied to his father's abuse, though. We don't necessary see if he has a trauma response to his death. I know the fandom headcanons things like a fear of water/drowning, being cold when he's weak/injured/drained, etc. But we don't explicitly see the response to his friends and school betraying him very much, aside from a couple reactions mainly in Edwin's "we didn't matter". So the Charles we see in the show is the result of a boy who died after being betrayed again and again but was "saved" by another.

Now, take that away. Take away Edwin and his kindness and the purpose he gave Charles. Take away that safety and that outlet and that reason to keep smiling. What happens then? Would he still try to be always smiling? Would the anger and rage by at the tip of his tongue and his fist always ready to throw? Would he even be willing to try to befriend Edwin when they eventually meet? 

What would Charles Rowland be like if he wasn't "saved"?(Please bare in mind, this whole thing was typed at 2 am cause I couldn't sleep until I got it out of my head.)

[woodchipp]

Oh hey, didn't see you here.

he suffered a lot due to the traumatic incident he had to witness plus the grief and guilty due to the consequences of his actions

His suffering is entirely internal and self-inflicted. I'm not going to feel much for a character whose only remarkable traits are being a terrible jerk and feeling bad for themself all the time, even if they're a child.

Honestly, I am baffled as to how you think this two characters are the same, you probably need to seek a brain specialist and check your neurons, I'm sure God gave you a wrong patterns recognition. And hey maybe you can test your IQ in there and have some advice to get smarter.

I find it ironic a discussion of a game about mental illness and trauma has the game's fans use mental illness as an insult. Thought you were better than that.

(the album captions are considered non-canon),

Because you don't agree with the arguments they're used for? XD

I shall use mine:

That recording's fanmade. The photos' desciriptions are in the game's files.

I'd appreciate canonical sources proving stuff like Mari being physical other than very blurry photos you can't glean anything concrete from. As it stands, those text descriptions, even if scrapped, are the closest thing to a canonical source there is, so they're what I'm going with.

This is a farce.

(Which Sunny did do a lot with Aubrey by the way, shown through the video montage of “Duet”)

The most they are shown doing in the Duet cutscene is a brief shot of them sitting together on the swings.

A flashback or two showing Sunny as the good listener we are told he is would've gotten that point across better, y'know.

What twelve year old wouldn’t complain MENTALLY? It’s not being an ass, if he was, he would’ve outwardly said all those things. It’s just that mentally he doesn’t want to do it.

My point is that I'm not too inclined to believe Sunny loves his friends as much as the game wants me to think he does when his reaction to the prospect of hard work for the sake of their happiness is whining.

Do I think it was just caused because he didn’t get to watch cartoons? No. Mari obviously said something to provoke it.

If it's so obvious, where's the proof? The recording doesn't count.

You think a 15 year old whose parents booked a venue for their recital wouldn’t be pressured and in turn pressure their younger sibling into making it PERFECT? Just food for thought.

Would've been great if the game had actually shown the pressure she was experiencing and subjected Sunny to.

It’s also realistic to those experiencing PTSD or shock

Trauma doesn't preclude one from being a decent person to others. How many times do I have to spell that out?

"For a moment, you feel at peace. You hate yourself for feeling this way.” He was relieved, sure. But he hated himself for that. Because he didn’t want to feel relief.

Funny you left out the caption's last sentence, which implies the reilef that he won't face repercussions outweighed any guilt he felt ("Is that all, then? Is everything going to be okay now?")

It's portrayed as a bad thing.

Which is why the game conveniently leaves out his friends' reactions, I suppose.

Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe the reason Sunny doesn’t show any guilt in-game is because he’s discovering the truth as much as we, the player are? Just food for thought

Nice to see you haven't bothered to check any of the links in that post.

Why do you think he doesn’t end up killing himself in a majority of the hikikomori routes even though OMORI has taken over?

There are only two endings to that route, and he very much does kill himself in one of those.

What Sunny did was the fault of him being a child witnessing a traumatic incident

He was responsible for it.

Also, the "irrational mindset" argument was specifically about Sunny shoving Mari down the stairs.

If anything, Basil's at fault.

1) Basil wouldn't have felt the need to intervene were it not for Sunny.

2) It's true that Basil was responsible for the lie, but it was Sunny who chose to go along with it.

...Well, that was a whole lot of nothing lmao.

Sunny is forgivable because he was a child who was not in a good rational mindset and made an impulsive decision with much more dire consequences than anticipated

Jimmy is not forgivable because he was an adult who had to make several conscious decisions to do what he did and does nothing but repeat his horrible behaviour

Both games are about forgiveness but two completely different ends of that spectrum. Omori is about how forgiveness can be healing and help those recover, and mouthwashing is about how sometimes forgiveness does nothing but enable horrible people to continue their abusive behaviour

[inamindfarfaraway]

I rewatched “The Richest Duck in the World!” and noticed something new. It’s only a theory, but it could easily be true, and… oh my God.

Bradford Buzzard has been working with Scrooge for about two decades or more by this episode, right? He's the CEO of McDuck Enterprises. He can overule Scrooge on business decisions and has access to and knowledge of everything, including Falcon Island, the portion of money afforded to it and that it's used for magical defence. Scrooge took the time to remove that island from all maps because he was so desperate for nobody to ever be able to meddle there. This is as top-secret as it gets. But Bradford knows. Scrooge trusts him implicitly with ALL his money. That's a lot of trust!

So Bradford almost certainly knows about the Bombie. It's hard to imagine a conversation where Scrooge told him about Falcon Island and what resources it needed without telling him why it needed them; and never before this episode has the Bombie been released due to financial strain. Not even in Scrooge and his finances' lowest point, when he was blowing through savings to search for Della, resorting to draining the Money Bin, his personal store of sentimentally valuable coins. Not even with Bradford wanting more of McDuck Enterprises' money available so he can siphon it off for FOWL. There was always, always something less important than Falcon Island.

But then Louie - an inexperienced, physically weak and unskilled eleven-year-old - becomes the richest person on Earth. On his very first morning in this position, he has to compensate for his wasteful spending by taking money from the company and Bradford immediately suggests cutting funding to the Bombie's containment measures. That is the first thing he comes up with. And he agrees to it unhesitatingly without a word of warning. This is why the entire plot of the episode happens!

Even more dammingly, he has a button specifically to deactivate the magical security system on hand at that moment. Without it, the Bombie escapes in an instant. But how did such a button come to exist in the first place? Scrooge would never have asked for it. Nobody else knew anything about Falcon Island. Bradford must have made it and connected it to that magic himself. He saw that Louie was vulnerable and wasted no time engineering his fall, unleashing a lethal threat upon him that was, as far as anyone knew, absolutely unstoppable, yet in a manner indirect enough to deflect suspicion from him.

Bradford tried to murder Louie.

[kacievvbbbb]

Truly from the depths of my struggling heart. Viva La Vida by Coldplay belongs to one Toshinori Yagi aka the one and only All Might.

Coldplay should just sign over the rights of the song at this point promptly too.

[goldkirk]

it is SUCH a good day to no longer be in a cult 😭🌈✨💖

[i3utterflyeffect]

victim probably keeps him alive for the sake of the plan, but still makes him suffer.

oh absolutely! the workers do take pity on him, but they're very scared of victim at the same time so they try not to interfere enough that victim would notice.

i do think victim is kind of frustrated by the fact that he goes basically unresponsive and starts getting bored of him after a while but for a bit they're having a lot of fun taking everything out on him

[lovelyisadora]

Milo finds out abt marcias numerous traumas and then every time she acts weird he has to play a game of "is it the trauma or just typical marcia fuckery" and its like a solid 50/50

no for real!! from her perspective he’s just sitting there calmly drinking his tea or whatever but internally he’s like !! okay let me list potential traumas and figure this out and when it isn’t any of those things he’s like whew okay she’s just weird!

[vizthedatum]

The codependent’s folly is doing what you think is right by people and feeling either resentful because they don't appreciate you OR feeling stupid because they don't trust you (further enabling the codependent to pursue an idealized sense of perfectionism that doesn't exist).

The daggers come from within and from outside.

- sincerely, a recovering codependent who doesn't want to be right all the time nor should they be

[savage-rhi]

✨️Magenta✨️

[b-rainlet]

Me, going through my blog and seeing I left 'He's so Buffy to me' as a tag under a pic of Scott McCall: I simultaneously understand nothing and everything

[icharchivist]

"Percy villain arc", does Aglovale mean nothing to you people

You're right though, it would be funny to see Percy go truly evil. The fire association is super common in villains. Making it hot in several senses. You're completely valid

LIKE I SAID -- it's about a different type of villainy!! the brothers may look alike but they're not interchangeable!!!!

Aglovale's villainy came from an hatred of all of humanity, a desire to control people out of fear, and a desire to get his family back, including his mother.

Lamorak's villainy came from selflessness, a desire to help absolutely everyone who ever experienced massive heart pain that can only be solved by revenge, a savior complex so big he ends up helping the most dangerous of people, while putting himself in danger and therefore also keeping his family as far away as possible from him so he doesn't get swayed into going back on his words.

A Percival's villainy arc would never be like Aglovale's because Percival never let go of his desire to see good in people, and he wouldn't keep his family away like Lamorak.

Like i said i do think it's a bit hard to see a path to villainy Percival can take when his brothers went to both different extreme to start with. I think what makes Percival's arc strong is that he's not tempted by snapping, and that he is holding strong despite the fact he sees how his brothers are torn apart by the same trauma they all share.

I personally love the fact Percival doesn't seem to be in any situation to snap, but i like thinking about what if he did actually go apeshit. What if he got tired of fixing his brothers' shit. He's constantly having to clean up after them because they mishandled their trauma while he is trying so hard to make it something productive.

And it's not like Percival doesn't have a mean edge. Remember when he insulted Lancelot when they found him in a cell after he's been tortured, because Lancelot "only had himself to blame" for turning a blind eye to the wrongs of the King? and that it essentially came from how he's been hurt that Lancelot abandonned him during the Siegfried's debacle and the fact Lancelot blindly supporting people in position of power rather than getting to the bottom of something was something Percival found reprehensible. (i have many thoughts about this).

That's why i think two componants to break Percival is if the weight of his brothers' sins get lifted off his back, so he's less alert to his own shortcomings as he's no longer in this state of survival about holding his family together, and losing MC, which would set him in a situation of thinking "despite everything i do i still lose the people i care about." (especially, once again, because MC is the only person who never disappointed Percival, which is why Percival always was so unconditional in his way to be attached to MC, in ways even the Dragon Knights nor his Brothers can live up to.)

It's like "you can do everything right and still lose", in comparaison to his brothers who just did things wrong.

how do you deal? how do you cope? this grief was supposed to stay in the past, yet whatever you do it still comes back to catch up on you.

there's a potential there that is completely unlike what Aglovale and Lamorak went through in their own villain arcs, and it's what i'd personally explore if we give Percival an evil arc.

It'd be hot! especially if it's about MC which i have totally neutral reasons to want personally obviously.

But as it is i just really like the idea of him being the only one to keep things together while the familial trauma is destroying the rest of his family. Feels nice feels organic and i'm just genuinely invested in this storyline, is all!

[serpentinegraphite]

in the same vein as having characters always sound like they're trying to get a good grade in therapy, a common thing in fanworks that gets on my nerves is like how in a fandom where realistically one might expect the characters to experience some trauma as a result of canon events (even though it's not shown in canon), there are only ever like the most extreme trauma responses. it's full on panic attack in the face of a trigger and brutal, unending nightmares, and like nothing else.

I just want to say for anyone out there who isn't aware, not every trauma response needs to be turned up to 11!some days a trigger might hit harder than others.

sometimes a character's trauma response should say something about them! a character who hates being vulnerable and seeks a constant control might react to a trigger with anger!

a character who is great at repressing might "This is fine!" themselves all the way through a triggering and unpleasant encounter rather than show any outward distress! dissociation is a real and common trauma response.

aside from the complete homogenization of trauma symptoms being boring as shit, it's often a weirdly consistent Moral Purity signifier. there's never a chance for a nuanced or complicated or shitty response to a trigger, it's always straight into the harshest panic response, thereby inviting only unconditional support from the audience. (nevermind what this kind of weirdly narrow anxiety rep does to people in the audience who actually have anxiety that doesn't fit the One Kind Of Anxiety characters are allowed to have)

[kkoct-ik]

i miss my wife

[fingertipsmp3]

Lmao why is my chapter summaries of HtN document over 3000 words long already and I’m not even two thirds of the way into HtN

[novy2sirius]

SATURN DEGREES IN YOUR CHART

based on numerology

more degree posts: venus degrees // mars degrees ⋆.˚🪐⋆

tw: this is going to be a very deep post and will involve hard topics such as bullying, abuse, trauma, anxiety, social anxiety, addiction, drugs, alcohol, war, weight, obesity, eating disorders ⋆.˚🪐⋆

note: the entire chart matters. this is not based on nikola stojanovic’s degree theory it’s based on my numerstrology degree theory .⋆.˚🪐⋆

♄ saturn at 1°/10°/19°/28° · people with these degrees in their saturn will endure lots of challenging conflicts in their life. these are some of the more challenging degrees to have in your saturn numerically. these people may struggle with their confidence, being assertive, or being a leader. these things will all be something they struggle less with as they get older though. these people have to learn lots of karmic lessons surrounding controlling their temper and learning to be patient. if these people want anything in life they must work hard for it and they often learn this from a younger age due to their upbringing. these degrees in saturn are also common among those who got bullied. the positive to these degrees is that the people with them will be very hard working and determined people that don’t take no for an answer when they truly desire something such as success. another positive is it that they do often become wealthy at some point in their life since 1 is associated with the root chakra and the root chakra is associated with materialism. this especially applies to 28

♄ saturn at 2° · people with this degree in their saturn often have a hard time finding peace or struggle with feminine energies. this could be their own feminine energy and the struggle of taping into that side of them or it could be struggling when being surrounded by other people who have strong feminine energy because they tend to spread their negative energy toward you sometimes for no reason. similar to lilith in the 1st house, often the women with this placement especially, are bullied a lot or picked on by other women. this degree in saturn can make you extremely introverted, sensitive, and insecure compared to others too. the positive to this placement is that these people often have a very peaceful life after their first saturn return. these people would benefit from being in a career that’s more calm/peaceful or not working and being with someone who provides for them. they can be amazing writers or authors! i’ve also seen them do very well in careers where they’re caring for others or one that involves femininity in general

♄ saturn at 3°/12°/21° · people with these degrees in their saturn often do not have a fun upbringing and may have trauma surrounding their childhood. often they have an amazing since of humor because of their trauma though and tend to be some of the funniest people in the room. these people tend to have darker humor or say really out of pocket things, but it’s iconic honestly. since 3 is the number of socialization these people often hate socializing and can struggle with things like social anxiety a lot. these degrees are the worst for saturn when it comes to responsibility. these degrees in saturn can make you dislike being responsible. people with this placement may have been cheaters in a past life and now are reaping what they sow in regards to romance if they weren’t a good person in their previous life. the positive to these degrees in your saturn is that these people make great comedians, writers, and also they are very simple people that enjoy the little things which often creates more optimism in someone

♄ saturn at 4°/13° · people with these degrees in their saturn are some of the hardest workers that you’ll encounter. these people have to work hard for anything they want in life, but the pro is that they almost always get what they want when they do whereas there are some others without these degrees that may work hard at some things and still not succeed. these people do really well in jobs involving the law or crime such as being a lawyer, cop, criminal investigator, etc. in order for them to thrive in life they should create a consistent routine, only date people that are already stable independently without them/that don’t need their help emotionally/financially, and they shouldn’t be friends with people that are a bad influence. often these people aren’t born with natural intelligence like some where they can ace a test easily, they must study a lot and work harder to get to the top. they are very logical people though. at worst these people can be stubborn, jealous, or violent

♄ saturn at 5°/14°/23° · people with these degrees in their saturn are more likely to be irresponsible or unpredictable than the other saturn degrees. they tend to be rule breakers and love their freedom. these people can be troublemakers a lot of the time and may get fired from a lot of jobs when lower vibrational. something they can struggle with is their sex drive. you will commonly see this in the charts of people who are asexual since saturn can show where we feel a lack of something and 5 in numerology is associated with sex drive. the positive to these degrees in your saturn is that you likely have very beautiful bone structure, when you want something are restless and will never give up in getting it, and you are less prone to abusing substances such as alcohol or drugs. these people do very well in careers that involve the entertainment industry, sex/fertility, traveling, war, parties, or socializing in general. although these people don’t enjoy socializing a ton and have lots of insecurities around it (often social anxiety is common in these people) they can be good at doing so in their workplaces

♄ saturn at 6°/15°/24° · people with these degrees in their saturn may have trauma surrounding a lack of nurturing a love as a child. they may struggle to express love for this reason and feel uncomfortable receiving it in some ways. these can be hard degrees to have for friendship as well since saturn shows where we struggle a lot and 6 in numerology is associated with friendship. often they won’t have good and loyal friends until after their saturn return because of this. these people can struggle with their weight a lot. this could be in multiple ways not just obesity, but also with eating disorders. these degrees are also hard to have in saturn when it comes to intelligence. you may have a lower iq depending on the rest of your chart. although there is lots of hard attributes to these degrees in your saturn the positives can be that you will have a stable life after either your first or second saturn return and will have a great family of your own, loyal friends, and a devoted lover. this also indicates doing well in careers such as being a doctor, nurse, vet, farmer, wedding planner, etc

♄ saturn at 7°/16°/25° · people with these degrees in their saturn may struggle a lot mentally. this indicates having mental struggles due to the trauma in your past. these people also often have learning problems or disorders such as adhd, dyslexia, etc. these people may struggle a lot with their sexuality. i see this often in the charts of people who waited to come out late due to people in their lives such as their parents shaming them for the way they were born. many people i know with these degrees in their saturn struggle with anxiety (especially health anxiety), depression, or personality disorders such as bpd as well often due to being bullied (especially online) or abused. the positive to these placements though is that these people can work really well in careers involving technology or inventing. they can do really well as social media influencers, engineers, film editors, etc. they also make great teachers (especially history ones). these people personality wise can come off as cold, but often they’re really just extremely misunderstood. they enjoy being alone and sometimes have a low social battery

♄ saturn at 8°/17°/26° · people with these degrees in their saturn live a very karmic life. they would benefit from killing others with kindness as hurting others is something that will come back to them quickly. when they hurt others the karma comes back harsh and quick, but the same goes for when others hurt them. negative karma will come back to those who hurt these people quick. these people are often workhorses and when high vibrational can be very good people that do a lot for others, but when low vibrational can be overly controlling, abusive, cruel, vengeful, and possibly abuse their power in some situations. the positive to these degrees in your saturn though is that these people make amazing leaders and tend to be in higher positions of power both in general and in their workplace. they may not be wealthy or financially stable, until after their first saturn return though. these people need lots of balance in their lives, so they should never overwork themselves or be overly irresponsible either. they need a good balance of work and play or it can be damaging to their spirit. these people tend to have good judgment when it comes to analyzing other people as well. they would do well in careers involving politics, finances, business, influencing, etc

♄ saturn at 0°/9°/18°/27° · people with these degrees in their saturn often struggle in finding out who they really are and can struggle with things like personality disorders. these people are the most likely to struggle with addiction, although it’s a way to cope with their trauma. these people often just live really hard lives, but because of this they have a talent for turning their challenging emotions into beautiful art. they’re naturally really artistic people and creative. they’re naturally emotional people and very sensitive due to things that occurred in their childhood. they tend to be the black sheep’s of their family. the positive to these placements is that often these people live long and don’t pass until they’re really old. often from natural causes. they also can be very good at manifesting career opportunities into their life. they do best in careers such as being a singer, dancer, performer in general, actor, astrologer, tarot reader, etc. when you hurt these people they can be harsh sometimes and hold long grudges, but when you’re on their good side they’re very compassionate and romantic

♄ saturn at 11°/20°/29° · people with these degrees in their saturn can do really well in spiritual careers or careers where they can use their charisma. these degrees are common in general in the natal chart among people who are social media influencers, but saturn being one of the main planets they have it in if it’s long term social media fame since saturn represents stability, longevity, and work while 11 in numerology is associated with influence and charisma. they also do well as astrologers, tarot readers, numerologists, teachers, actors, artists, life coach, athlete, etc. this (11) is one of the main fame numbers, so you’ll see these degrees a lot in the charts of famous people. these specific placements indicate that someone is a very emotional person, but just keeps everything within and can struggle to express themselves emotionally. others may perceive it as lack of emotional intelligence when it really just is them not feelings the same ways others feel in certain situations where they know they’re supposed to because due to their trauma they can be numb in certain areas emotionally. this doesn’t mean they don’t want to try to understand others emotionally though. these people at their worst can be emotionally unstable though

♄ saturn at 22° · people with this degree in their saturn are naturally very wise people. they may often get told that they’re an old soul by many. they can struggle a lot with things like confidence, feeling restricted, or being over sensitive due to their trauma. when you’re on these peoples bad side they don’t mind burning bridges with you and can be ruthless as well as stubborn. when low vibrational they won’t like taking advice from others and won’t be open minded. they can also have ulterior motives at times. when higher vibrational these people will be open to lots of new experiences and learning many new things. they will also have good intentions with everything they do. these people tend to do well in careers involving crime, destroying, building, or sharing their wisdoms with others. they make great architects, body builders, gang leaders, cops, criminal investigators, marine biologists, construction workers, etc. these people (similar to saturn at 4°/13° people) are some of the hardest working people you’ll ever meet

© novy2sirius

[dancingbirdie]

Okay so on Astarion, I was reading this fic about him not knowing Tavs true intentions with him and it bothering Astarion a lot, so what if he goes to some mage or magic user and asks them to show Tavs true intentions to him, when he does the vision he sees is just... being snuggled. It's Tav on top of him and the both of you are falling asleep, his hands are under your shirt softly petting your skin as your sleepy self is contently snuggled up to him. I just start crying about him finding out that Tavs DASTARDLY and EVIL plan with him, their greatest desire from him... is to simply be held. 🥺

Hi @goblin-creatcher! Thank you so much for this BEAUTIFUL prompt. I, uhh, kind of took it and went a million miles an hour with it. This is honestly one of my favorite things I've ever written. I hope you enjoy it as well! xoxoxo

Something Imagined / Something Real

Word Count: 3.9K

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Astarion x f!Tav

Warnings/Tags: Brief but detailed description of rough consensual sex, descriptions and references to Astarion's trauma/trauma responses, minor Act 1 and Act 2 spoilers, FLUFF, angst

Suggested Song Pairing: Slow Dancing in A Burning Room (Stripped) - cover by ST LUNA

Summary: Astarion has been suspicious of Tav’s true intentions toward him. He persuades Gale to cast a spell and reveal her motivations. ANGST and FLUFF ensue. A rewriting of Astarion’s confession scene from Act 2.

The sun had just begun to set on the campsite when Astarion decided to put his plan into action. He had waited until Tav departed with some of the other party members before making his way over to the wizard. Gale was too busy reassembling the bookshelf inside his tent to notice Astarion’s approach. It wasn’t until he gave a polite cough that Gale jumped and whirled to face him. 

“No, no, no,” he began all at once, hands raised in a sort of shooing motion. Astarion stared at him in confusion. “I can respect Tav’s indulging in your need for blood, but as I’ve said before: I taste terrible.” 

Astarion scoffed. “Charming. Actually, wizard, I was coming to request your aid in a different, though somewhat related, matter.”

“Really? Care to elaborate?” Gale responded, still somewhat wary. It wasn’t often he found himself alone with the vampire. 

“Testy, I see,” Astarion crooned teasingly. His knee-jerk response to people treating him like a monster, to behave in the most false saccharine sort of way. 

But he drew up short, censoring himself before saying anything else he might regret. He knew he needed to get on the wizard’s good side if he had any chance of getting the answers he sought. 

“I was hoping you knew a spell to reveal someone’s true intentions. Their… motivations for behaving in a certain way, so to speak,” he finished more seriously. 

Gale pondered the question for a moment before answering. 

“Hmm… yes, there is magic to determine that sort of thing… Although it’s been some time since I practiced it…” He trailed off, rubbing his chin in thought. 

“Why are you asking for such a thing?” he asked suddenly. 

Astarion had been prepared for this question, of course. No one did anything for free, no questions asked. He delivered his explanation perfectly, as he’d been rehearsing in his mind.

“One might say our dear sweet Tav and I have been growing a bit… closer these days, but I can sense a master manipulator when I see one. I just simply want to ensure their intentions toward me - toward the party - are true,” he replied with mock innocence. 

“Ah, yes,” Gale nodded. “I gathered as much when the two of you slipped away from the tiefling’s party a few nights ago.” 

“But,” he continued on,”I needn’t think you should worry when it comes to Tav. She seems about as transparent as they come. I’m sure any intentions she has toward you are true.”

Yes, but the best actors always mask their motivations behind innocence and transparency, Astarion thought to himself. I should know. I’ve been doing it for centuries.

After the party’s unfortunate meeting with that Gur in the Sunlit Wetlands, Astarion realized he would have to take potential threats from Cazador even more seriously. He wasn’t about to lose his freedom, not now that he finally had some small taste of it. 

It didn’t hurt to be more suspicious of everyone he encountered, even the sweetling Tav. Anyone could be an operative sent by Cazador, and the best ones would be as skilled as he was in the art of manipulation. It was well-known at this point that the person he’d grown the closest to on their journey was their brave party leader, Tav. Unlikely as it may be that she was scheming for his master, Astarion’s paranoia wouldn’t let him indulge in interactions with her a second longer unless he knew how she truly felt. 

Given Gale’s hesitation, Astarion knew he would have to kick his acting up a notch. Press on that wizard’s heartstrings. Touch the one nerve he knew he was sensitive to.

“Gale, darling, from one literally damaged soul to another, indulge me just this once,” Astarion beseeched him. 

The wizard glared at him a moment, before finally relenting with a heavy sigh. “Fine. Fine. But I want it known that I don’t agree with this so-called solution one whit,” he grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Yes, yes, noted and formally documented, on my word as a former Baldurian magistrate,” Astarion replied cheerily. “So, let’s hop to it then, shall we?”

“What, right now?” Gale asked, shocked. “Shouldn’t we be, I don’t know, a little less conspicuous?” 

“What better time than now?” Astarion responded. “Tav’s out gathering firewood with Wyll and Karlach. They won’t be back for some time. As for Lae’zel and Shadowheart, well…” he paused, gesturing over his shoulder. 

Said two were engaged in a heated sparring session on the outskirts of the camp. Snarls and curses could be heard emanating from both warriors as they tried, and failed, to gain the upper hand against their opponent.

“That lovers’ dance could go on until morning,” Astarion finished. 

“Fair point,” Gale admitted begrudgingly, grimacing at the sound of swords clashing violently. “Very well. Let’s get started.” 

Clearing his throat, Gale began to utter a series of phrases completely foreign to Astarion. He watched as the wizard began moving his hands in a wavelike pattern, forming a circle before them. Suddenly, a mist began to form from seemingly thin air, taking shape according to the boundaries Gale’s hands were creating. The mist grew more and more opaque until it appeared before them like a clouded mirror. 

As the fogginess of the ethereal magic began to clear, the “mirror” became a confusing blur of scenes whipping by, too fast for Astarion or Gale to really comprehend. There were flashes of Tav and Astarion, together and separate, but they disappeared too quickly to ascertain their context. It was as though the spell was shuffling through the entirety of Tav’s thoughts, assessing each one at breakneck speed. 

Finally, the spell slowed to a halt, stopping on one scene in particular. Astarion was struck speechless by what began playing out in the foggy portal before them. So distracted, he didn’t even notice Gale’s tight cough, or how the wizard suddenly became intensely interested in a copse of trees nearby, rather than the revelation the spell was revealing.

Not that the scene was especially profound, objectively speaking. In fact, to anyone else, it might be viewed as the least revelatory thing possible that the spell could have shown. Boring. Inconsequential, even. But to Astarion, it was almost earth shattering. 

He saw himself - he could see his face! - with Tav, lying tangled together in some immaculate four-poster bed. 

That was the first shock that coursed through him, nearly causing his knees to buckle. He was seeing himself for the first time in over 200 years. Or at least, he was seeing himself as Tav saw him. And… the person he saw… Well, he was gorgeous. White blonde locks, curled and tousled in a devil-may-care sort of way. A strong, patrician nose that suggested good breeding. High, sharp cheekbones. Full lips, upturned in a thoughtless grin. Red eyes bordered by long, sweeping lashes. Delicately pointed elven ears. Smooth alabaster skin, without blemish or spot. 

Astarion could scarcely believe his own eyes. 

The second shock to his system was the nature of their activities. He would have been less surprised had the vision shown them fucking. Him taking her roughly from behind perhaps. His name a cry of ecstasy from her lips as he pistoned in and out of her with a feral sort of determination. 

Fantasies of lust, of total domination, now those were things he was familiar with inspiring in the minds of the victims he had taken as lovers. It was what he strove for, in all honesty. Desire like that all but ensured he would capture his prey and live to serve another day for his master. 

But nothing of the sort was occurring between vision-Tav and himself. Instead, they were just… embracing? What in sweet hells was this?

She lay halfway on top of him. Her hair was mussed, perhaps from sleep or perhaps from previous lovemaking. One hand was drawing absentminded shapes across his chest, her lips trailing behind, leaving kisses in their wake. He watched as vision-Astarion chuckled softly, as his hands slipped beneath her sleepshirt to caress her waist, as he placed an innocent kiss on the top of Tav’s head. Eventually, she reached for his hand. They both watched their fingers intertwine, blissfully content.

It was the purest, unadulterated expression of affection that Astarion had ever seen. Something in his heart quaked at the sight of it. He wanted that moment. He envied, he hated, vision-Astarion for enjoying such apparent happiness.

So absorbed in the vision and its implications, Astarion failed to notice the soft padding of feet that indicated someone’s re-entry into the camp. 

“If the two of you are quite finished poking around in my head,” an angry voice suddenly spat from behind them, “I’d appreciate you preserving what little privacy I have left and shutting that damn spell off.”

Mortified, Astarion and Gale turned to see Tav, arms crossed and visibly seething with rage. Gale quickly dispelled the magic with a flick of his wrist. A blush was slowly but surely rising up Tav’s neck to reach her cheeks. Whether from rage or embarrassment, Astarion couldn’t be certain. 

“Tav, let us explain-” Astarion started.

“It was his idea-” Gale blurted at the same time, pointing at Astarion. 

Both paused, glaring at one another. But Tav would have none of their feeble attempts at backpedaling. 

“The explanation doesn’t matter. Whose idea it was doesn’t matter. The fact is that both of you violated the privacy of my mind, which I’ll remind you, has ALREADY been violated by having a bloody tadpole forced inside of it!” Tav shouted. At their words, the camp became enveloped in a heavy silence. Even the crickets ceased their chirping.

Astarion cringed inwardly, knowing the other party members could plainly hear this altercation and had likely stopped whatever it was that they had been doing to listen in. He noted the sounds of swords clanging together had ceased. He was certain Lae’zel and Shadowheart at least were aware of what was happening. Nosy bastards, all of them.

But what disturbed him even more was the realization that Tav’s eyes were welling with tears. She was too proud to acknowledge them or wipe them away. Such was her nature. But they were there nonetheless, and the knowledge that Astarion had brought her to the point of tears was enough to spur a rush of utter self-loathing inside him.

Without another word, Tav turned on her heel and marched stiffly out of camp, toward the direction of a nearby creek they’d identified as a water source earlier in the day.

“I can’t believe I let you convince me to perform that spell,” Gale said as she disappeared between the trees. He dragged his hands down his face. 

“How could we have been so doltish, forgetting that all of our privacies have already been violated with this tadpole business?”

Astarion didn’t have an answer to that. At least, not one the wizard could possibly understand. 

The thought hadn’t occurred to Astarion, he realized, because violations of privacy had been something so intrinsic to his being for over 200 years. He didn’t even recognize it as something abnormal. Like a fish unaware that the water surrounding it is, in fact, water. 

Violations of privacy were a part of life, at least for him. So much so that his request for Gale to perform that magic hadn’t even occurred to him as an overstepping of boundaries. To Astarion, it had simply been a matter of survival. He had needed to know another potentially manipulative person’s true intentions, and so he had found a means to uncover it and maintain the upper hand. 

Belatedly, he also realized that Gale’s hesitation to cast the spell had had nothing to do with being inconvenienced for the evening, but because the wizard had known that it was improper to do to another person. If he had misread that, Astarion wondered, then what other truly benevolent behaviors had he mistaken as pragmatic manipulation?

“I need to go find her,” Astarion murmured, clenching and unclenching his fists in an uncharacteristic fit of uncertainty. 

“Yes, you do,” Gale asserted. “We both owe her a sincere apology… if she’ll even accept it.”

“I’ll see if I can convince her to come back to camp,” Astarion replied, making to leave in the direction Tav had stormed off. 

“Wait,” Gale said, a hand on his shoulder. Astarion turned to meet his gaze. 

“Look, well, I’m obviously not an expert in healthy demonstrations of affection. But I do think it’s obvious from what you saw in that spell that Tav well and truly cares about you. In perhaps the purest way possible. Treat that carefully.”

Part of Astarion wanted to laugh aloud in utter hopelessness at the wizard’s advice. Someone cared for him? Truly and purely? No hidden games, no strings attached? Oh certainly, that wouldn’t be a problem for Astarion at all. Obviously, his 200-year existence as a master-manipulator-fetch-hound for a power-hungry vampire lord had perfectly prepared him to respond to this situation in a healthy manner. Obviously.

But all that was too much to reveal to someone he barely knew and too heavy to say aloud. Rather than giving some smarmy retort, Astarion opted instead to give a stiff nod and continue walking toward the edge of camp. He had no idea how he could make things right with Tav, but at the very least he could try. 

***

He found Tav sitting on a fallen tree near the edge of the creek bed. Her legs were drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped around them as she rested a cheek to her knees. In the waning twilight, she reminded Astarion of some misbegotten gargoyle perched on the roof of a temple, solitary and so very sad. 

Her ears twitched as she noted his arrival. Astarion wasn’t trying to be stealthy. On top of everything else, the last thing he needed to do was scare her. 

“Can I join you?” he asked softly, wincing to himself at the awkwardness of the question. 

The reality was that there was no way to broach this conversation without some stilted beginning, and he hated it. Navigating tricky conversations was normally something he excelled at. But as he was quickly finding, when it related to Tav, nothing in his past life had prepared him to respond to her well. 

“If you’d like,” Tav answered tonelessly. 

Knowing it was probably the best response he was going to get, Astarion swallowed thickly and moved to sit down on the log next to her. 

“I… wanted to… apologize for what you saw, back at camp,” he began.

“Apologize for doing it, or apologize for getting caught?” Tav asked as she turned her head to look at him, resting her other cheek on her knees. 

Astarion balked at the question. Her piercing gaze unnerved him. He hadn’t really thought that far. 

“Both, I suppose?” he answered honestly, although it sounded more like a question to Tav. She huffed a laugh.

“You know, part of me really wants to yell at you. Scream in your face. Tell you off proper,” she mused.

“So why don’t you?” Astarion asked, perplexed. 

Tav didn’t respond at first, just sat there studying him. As if by staring at him long enough, she could project the answer into his mind. 

Astarion didn’t interrupt her, much as he would have liked to. Part of him always bristled when people gazed at him for too long. It was unfair that they could study him, when he hadn’t been able to so much as glance at his reflection in over 200 years. 

Finally, Tav released a heavy sigh, her body curling further in on itself. She closed her eyes as she spoke.

“Because then I would be just like every other bastard in your life who’s mistreated you.”

Astarion flinched in surprise. Those had not been the sort of words he’d been expecting. The truth of them cut deeper than had she raged at him like she wanted to. It left him feeling even more vulnerable, and that in turn made him want to retreat into the comfort of viciousness.

“I don’t need you to pull any punches,” he scoffed, glaring at her. “Go ahead and say what you will.”

She straightened up at his tone, opening her eyes and returning his glare. 

“No. I don’t want to,” she said testily.

“I don’t need your pity,” he hissed. “It’s insulting.”

“Gods damn it all, Astarion!” Tav exclaimed suddenly, causing him to jump in surprise. She threw her hands up in defeat. “I’m not doing anything out of pity! I don’t want to rage at you, because I know that whatever I say right now, I won’t mean it come the morning!”

Astarion blinked. Once again he was left feeling flat footed by the turn of the conversation. Sensing his surprise, Tav continued on with her deluge of words.

“You hurt me tonight, and I’m angry at you - and at Gale, for that matter - for what you did. But you’ve shared enough of your… history… with me, that I realize your behavior is just… just a byproduct of centuries of abuse and manipulation you’ve endured! And I won’t be another abuser in your life. I won’t,” she asserted. 

Astarion continued staring at her, as if she were some otherworldly creature that had just wandered across his path. He watched as Tav inhaled a deep breath, releasing it shakily. She turned away from him to peer out into the forest, uncertain. She opened and closed her mouth several times before actually speaking. As if whatever she was about to say was more intimidating to her than anything else she’d said tonight. 

“I… care deeply for you, Astarion,” she said quietly. “You obviously saw that in the vision. I’m not playing any games. There’s no hidden motive. I’m not trying to manipulate you.”

She turned to look at him again before continuing, her breathing a bit unsteady. 

“I didn’t sleep with you that night of the tiefling party as some sort of maneuver to gain your trust. Although I understand if that was your motivation for doing so.” 

Astarion’s expression morphed into one of guilt. But Tav nodded soberly, as if she had already expected it, before continuing on. 

“It’s okay. I’m not angry. But I’m putting all my cards on the table now, so to speak. Actually, your decision tonight forced my hand, but I had been planning on telling you soon anyway. So, there you have it. The truth of my intentions. What you do with that information is up to you.”

She turned back to gaze out at their surroundings. Like she was giving him the opportunity to bolt away without her watching him. As if she expected him to flee from her confession. 

But Astarion didn’t flee. He remained seated, staring at her in complete wonderment. 

“Why?” he asked quietly.

She looked back at him again, confusion evident on her face. 

“Why what?”

“Why do you care for me? You’re so… well-adjusted. And I’m well… this,” he finished lamely, placing a hand on his chest. 

Tav pursed her lips. “It would be a mistake to misconstrue my empathy for you as me being well-adjusted. Everyone has their own demons, Astarion,” she murmured. “Mine just look different from yours.”

Astarion mulled her words over in his mind, considering them. He leaned forward to brace his forearms on his knees, his head drooping slightly. 

“I…,” he started, unsure. “That vision… what it implied… You deserve something real, Tav. You’re incredible… truly.” 

Tav closed her eyes, bracing for the fallout. Even though she would accept his decision, whatever it was, she didn’t think she could bear to watch him deny her. It would hurt too much. 

“Look. When we met, I had a plan. A nice, simple plan,” he blurted all at once. Rising swiftly to his feet, Tav watched as he began to pace before her, near to bursting with frenetic energy. 

“Seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me,” he counted off, laughing half-heartedly. “It was… easy - instinctive. Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in. All you had to do was fall for it. And all I had to do… was not fall for you… which is where my nice, simple plan fell apart,” he finished, stopping to stand before her. 

She held his gaze, speechless. 

“I want you,” he whispered fervently. “I want what was in that vision… I want us to be something real.”

Never in a million years had she thought he would respond to her like this. She opened her mouth to speak, but Astarion cut her off with another sudden exclamation. 

“I just don’t know what real is,” he confessed, his tone a touch hysterical. Tav knew from his body language that being this transparent was completely out of Astarion’s comfort zone. 

“Being… close to someone - any kind of intimacy - was something I performed to lure people back. For him. Even though I know things between us are different, being with someone still feels… tainted. Still brings up those feelings of disgust, and loathing. I… I don’t know how else to be with someone. No matter how much I’d like to,” he finished, staring at her with beseeching eyes, willing her to understand.

Tav rose to her feet, coming to stand before him. 

“I don’t want you for your body,” she whispered. “Or to perform any acts of intimacy. We can be together, without sleeping together, for as long as you need.”

“Really,” he asked softly, his voice pitched low, rough with emotion.

“Really,” Tav asserted, giving him a small smile. “Would it be all right if…” she paused, conflicted. He eyed her curiously.

“Could I hug you?” she whispered.

The fact that she asked before doing so caused a well of emotion to spring up inside him. Eyes watering, Astarion nodded. 

Slowly, Tav moved forward to wrap her arms around his waist. Her head nestled into the crook of his neck and shoulder. A perfect fit. He felt her exhale a deep sigh.

Tav hugging him was a sensation unlike any he had ever felt. At least, any he could remember feeling. The act of being touched, embraced, without any desire for something more. She just wanted to hold him, feel him close to her. It was incomprehensible to him, but utterly enjoyable, at the same time. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, Astarion raised his arms to return Tav’s embrace. Drawing her even closer, he bowed his head to rest his cheek against her hair. It was soft, like the finest silk. He closed his eyes as he inhaled deeply, appreciating her sweet, floral scent.   

She made to pull away after a moment, not wishing to overwhelm him. But Astarion gripped her more firmly, a silent urge for them to stay that way a little longer. 

“This… this is nice,” he whispered. 

He both felt and heard Tav hum contentedly in response. 

It wasn’t identical to the vision from Tav’s mind that he had seen, but Astarion reveled in their embrace nonetheless. It felt like the beginning of something new. And for the first time in his very, very long life, Astarion felt excited at the prospects of what would come next.