vizthedatum

[vizthedatum]

Your tag "when you're trans, both masculinity and femininity become weapons against you at any given moment" really resonated with me. Its a powerful and succint way of saying it

I also often say trans people regardless of actual identity are schroedinger's gender- you are whatever gender is convenient for the person hurting you to harm you with at any given moment. If they believe calling you a woman will hurt you, they'll use that. If a man, they'll use that instead. If they can completely degender you, they will. And it will change based on the second, many times.

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I had a good day today: lots of self-care including another therapy session.

I think the prevailing feeling I am feeling now from the trauma from two years ago is

Betrayal.

And I’m processing it!

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“google is free” actually now that you can’t turn off ai answers google is 5.6 billion gallons of water.

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I want to let people who aren't close to me think whatever they want without needing to explain myself.

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I leak energy everywhere I go

Parts of me strewn in the trunks of trees

And in piles of clothes in bedrooms

“Hi I'm here!” I say

Determined to take space and claim it

Instead, I hide

No space taken, nothing to protect

It is such a delusion I exist in

Because I do exist in a space

But I do not know how to conceptualize this space

So, how do I protect it?

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I am feeling massive amounts of grief right now. I am also feeling many other emotions about the many different aspects of my life.

It is not all grief, I say to myself firmly.

It is not all grief, I say while feeling so alone.

It is not all grief!!!!! I say, meaning it, while grieving.

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I think it's okay to discuss how someone's behaviors have impacted me in whatever terms I know at the moment.

Discussing how my conditions impact my body and mind is also valid.

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What I think is really invalidating is when someone critiques my understanding of how my condition is impacting me when they are not affected by the behaviors that the condition is associated with.

I get that my conditions have behaviors like executive dysfunction that may be hard to deal with... and they may affect and impact someone else. I think it's fair for someone to tell me that they felt some sort of way due to this behavior, even if it is something I can't change. However, I don't think it's fair if someone denies me employment, access to resources, excludes me in some significant way, or similar if it is for that behavior - since it's a disability.

The sad thing is that so many jobs require behaviors that people will have to force themselves to comply with if they have disabilities that affect those actions. I think that's ableism.

I think it's sad to have people who don't have visible illnesses to prove themselves or to call them a liar when they're trying to express what's going on.

It is also sad to tell people that it's not fair to discuss how someone in their life may or may not have a condition that has caused significant stress. It's honest to talk about this; I don't think it's ableism. Just because one person talks about how someone else's condition has impacted them doesn't mean it's generalizable to everybody else with that condition.

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The mutual need for curiosity before the repair when feeling hurt or resentful toward another person

I have therapy in roughly an hour, and I've been reflecting on how having this blog to vent and express myself has improved my mental health and confidence in myself.

While I know there have been very upsetting people in my life, there have also been people who weren't "bad" people (whatever that means - I guess, people who weren't intentionally hurting me) in my life who I simply didn't get along with.

One of the reasons I usually feel so hurt in this world, whether or not I'm in an abusive situation, is that I chronically don't feel heard, understood, and validated in my connection to another person or task.

And, since I used to mask and people-please, my hurt came out as getting very sick, reactive defensiveness, emotional distress, pent-up anger, or a big breakup/disconnect.

It's not like I didn't try to repair those connections, but it is hard to repair when you feel invalidated.

This is a hard lesson I've been learning and understanding over the years. I need to tell people I feel hurt and ask them to figure it out with me. While I do try to be very mindful of this, I also need to help my partners, friends, and family feel validated when they feel hurt instead of jumping into an explanation, saying that I didn't intend it (even if that's true), being defensive in some way, or shutting down.

My hurt isn't necessarily about the other person—it's about me. It's worth figuring out where it's coming from and what those feelings are responding to. I might make mistakes while figuring this out, but I owe it to myself to allow myself to feel and help myself accordingly.

While I can help and listen to another person's hurt—even apologize and make a change—I do not need to shoulder their resentment and take it as shame. I may disagree with their reasoning if they make claims about my character, but I can be curious as to why they're feeling the way they're feeling. And if it is a behavior that I did that led to their hurt, I can address that behavior directly. I can apologize for that behavior. I can talk about it with them and ask if it is possible to change that behavior or prevent that behavior (sometimes, if the behavior has to do with my disability to do something, like a household chore, then I may need more help... I may need to be honest with what I can or cannot do). I can understand if they don't feel safe with me. I can be curious and respect someone's boundaries if they choose to protect themselves. I'm going to try to be more and more mindful of this.

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I cried in the car this morning because I was hit with a flashback of the last time I saw my ex-spouse. I remember how much they glared at me.

This morning, I cried when I remembered the state of the home we shared together. I knew you weren't okay; there were so many pizza boxes. I also remembered the way you were lying down when I opened the door, your energy, and the way your eyes looked. You looked more frail.

I hated seeing you like that. I was incredibly upset with you - still traumatized - but I hated seeing you like that.

I hated having a police escort with me. I hated that our mutual friend was lying to us both. I hated that I felt so scared.

I wish I could turn back time and take care of you. I hoped we were better people to each other... and for ourselves.

--

As much as you made me feel as bad as I did, I knew I was not your peace—at least not for a while.

And that's why I cried this morning. We are both so much better off without each other.

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Otherwise, I'm okay now. I haven't cried more yet, and I'm working as best I can now.

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The great thing about being this sensitive and raw this week is… I can channel it in my art.

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🫠

happy pride!! i just wanted to share one of my favorite scenes from If You'll Have Me, my sapphic graphic novel 🌈💕✨

IYHM can be found on this list of retailers, but it can be requested from libraries too! or support your local bookstore if you can! thank you for reading~

[vizthedatum]

“The Driver” by Jordan Bolton

My first book ‘Blue Sky Through the Window of a Moving Car’ is out now! Order it here - https://smarturl.it/BlueSky

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I woke up earlier than I intended. I went to sleep feeling loved and not alone, with buzzing in my ears that didn't bother me, taking my mind off of things that do.

There is a memory that is giving me so much comfort this morning.

I remember why I like Cherry Garcia ice cream, even though I haven't had any… in over two years.

—

I had never had the ice cream flavor before! But my ex’s two friends, who were a couple, visited us while my arm was broken and my mental health was awful, and one of them introduced it to me.

I was struggling to stay alert, happy, and unobtrusive.

It was nighttime. We all had just played a game together. She held a pint of ice cream in her hand… a spoon… and a huge smile on her face. She told me the whole thing was over a thousand calories, while opening the lid.

That night, we shared the pint between all three (four?) of us and finished the whole thing. She often encouraged me to take more.

I loved having them visit. They drove me to my medical appointments and school meetings.

I was exhausted for most of their visit. I wish I could have showed them the fun, bubbly side of myself.

One time, we got home after I had a follow-up appointment for my broken arm (and my broken toe). I collapsed into bed, and as I quickly drifted away into exhaustion-derived sleep, I heard them talking between themselves. They said it only made sense that I'd be so tired because I was sick.

I felt really seen.

After their visit, my main ice cream of choice was Cherry Garcia. I ate way too much of it. It was a solid flavor, component-wise, but I just… wanted to feel that comfort.

I gained a lot of weight in the following years. I blamed it on the pandemic, my birth control, my lack of movement, my stress from my PhD, and myself. I comfort-baked and ate way too many sweets. Sometimes I slept all day.

I didn't want to be there, I think. I did, and I didn't.

—

I'm lying down again. I'm nervous about today, even though I don't have reason to be. I have some big meetings today, a lot of analysis to do, chores, things to mail, and a workout plan. I will pick up that cute bag I gifted myself last week. I will message my friends and tell them I love them. I will message the cute person I've been dating. I have so much to be thankful for.

I haven't had the best time losing weight the past couple of months even though I've been consistently working out and watching what I eat for the most part. I should honestly be eating more. It is hard to.

My hormones have changed a lot though.

And I know I'm still very cute.

I am stronger!!

Maybe I'll pick up a pint of ice cream today too.

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I will not force myself to be okay, but I hope I am okay this week. I wish I had done more cleaning over the weekend. I'm going to throw myself into work. I have to remind myself that I love the essence of my work. I will do all the things that are good for me: eat, move/work out, socialize, rest, go to therapy, take meds, read, do fun stuff, cry and vent if I need to, etc.

It feels like my executive functioning has been poorer this month, and my trauma doesn't feel as large as it was last year, but the memories are coming back.

It sucks. I know I'm still doing ok. I want not to juggle my responsibilities one day.

I'm waiting impatiently for life to FEEL good, easy, and relaxed. I know I can get there.

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This is a vent and anger post. Trauma memories coming up.

—

It is that time of year again where I really desperately want to NEVER think about this again. I hate that I think about my ex-spouse.

You know what sucked about my one and only time getting covid? I still don't know how. My ex blames me because I had just gone to a wedding and was unmasked during it. The wedding was full of healthcare professionals, and I spent the majority of my time with my one friend WHO HAD CANCER and my other ex-friend who was a doctor.

When I can back, I tested positive for covid (no one else at the wedding tested positive to my knowledge) after a couple days.

I GOT MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES. I made that decision because they had warped my brain so fucking much. I even made them an appointment. They refused to get the treatment. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARENT IMMUNOCOMPROMISED.

That was the stupidest part of it all. They made it seem like I was the crazy reckless one while I was trying to take precautions and also live my life.

A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE IMMUNOCOMPROMISED.

Not my ex-spouse though. They just fear mongered, invalidated their partner with healthcare training, and made our lives a living hell while I defended them.

Fuck you.

How dare you?

I was embarrassed for such a long time. Because you're actually stupid when it comes to biology and the life sciences. You might have valid reason to be afraid of a horrible virus - but you are incompetent in knowing what to do.

And I can't believe I let you bully me for so long.

I can't believe I let you bully me before the pandemic. Or even settled for such a pathetic life because I thought it was the best I could do.

I honestly did think you were the love of my life. I thought you were my best friend and that you would look out for me.

—

No.

All that was proved was that we had some times that were incredibly special in a sea of betrayals in the name of your unaddressed control issues.

I STOOD UP FOR YOU. I BELIEVED IN YOU. I SUPPORTED YOU BEYOND MY CAPACITY. I don't care if you thought I was useless - I was trying my best. That was my best, even if I was freezing and needing to rest a lot.

And if you really thought I was vindictive, I had to FORCE myself to not go into my vindictiveness and press charges.

If you really think you did nothing criminal by abusing me, conditioning me, seeing my physical health deteriorate while you relegated me to only being a sex toy who just disappointed you in every other way, screaming at me, imprisoning me in my room, exposing me to a mice infestation that could have truly made us ill instead of covid, confusing me about consent, pulling out my IUD when I was in an incredibly weak and confused state right after you screamed that I was THE WORST THING IN YOUR LIFE, and… :(

I am angry that it got so bad.

I'm angry that I chose all the wrong people that year.

I'm angry that we built a life together.

I'm angry that you come up in conversation when I'm on a date with somebody. That I have to explain my triggers.

I'm so angry that this happened. I'm angry that I had to hold myself together and still was way too vulnerable last year. I hate it.

—

This upcoming week marks two years since I left you. I hate you. I forgive you but only for my sake. I hope you find peace. And I hope that if you ever run into me, you'll remember that I AM MORE UNHINGED AND WHOLE THAN I WAS WHEN I LEFT YOU.

Tell everyone. Tell everyone how I was the real abuser. Cry your fake flower-enby tears. You are pathetic, and I will never give you the benefit of the doubt again, even if you end up changing for the better.

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I think the pull of falling into the rumination about the person from my past has been dissolving in various ways all year.

—

A lot of the work involved reconciling the truth of how I felt with what I had hoped it would be.

I liked and loved that person, but they couldn't meet my needs, and I couldn't communicate my feelings or needs. I have realized that that's a red flag within myself.

Another part of it was knowing that I deserved better.

Then proving to myself that I would choose myself if I was presented with something similar (and I did! This summer! And while it was upsetting, I did it a lot more gracefully while genuinely respecting the other person.).

Then I had to really believe I deserved better.

I had to feel what better was… and then I had to understand my discomfort with receiving better was a sign. I had to lean into that discomfort.

I had to keep reminding myself how I wanted to be loved and demonstrate that I could do it for myself.

I had to accept that people were trying their best, including me.

Sigh. I had to tell myself that there was nothing wrong with how I felt. That I wasn't unreasonable. And my anger wasn't wrong at all.

I was rejecting myself because I had thought that I could handle it... :/ and it wasn't worth it.

And I also stayed in other friendships for way too long, because I thought it would be unreasonable to leave.

Meh.

But I'm happy that the attachment has lessened so much. That behavior, where people don't want to acknowledge the impact they have on one another and where they don't want to commit to a relationship, doesn't appeal to me anymore. My past behavior doesn't align with who I am now. I would rather be myself and have strong feelings with people rather than shy away to keep a connection to someone I over-idolized.

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It is easy to look back and say, "Ugh, I got so resentful, and it didn't have to get that bad before I had to change myself or my situation."

Of course, there is such bias and self-critique over a past reality that you don't have control over.

There are so many past situations in my life… where I still don't know if I was in the wrong, if other people were in the wrong, or if it was just a difficult situation. I know that is a myopic view of looking at it.

I don't think it matters anymore to know what or who was at fault, as long as I am aware of my behaviors. I should ask myself if I would do those behaviors again, and if not, then what’s changed? How have I changed, and do I accept my present as well as my past?

Reflecting is hard, especially when you're trying to release memories and thoughts that perpetuate your self-shame.