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Better. Today was better.

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gay_irl

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Have I mentioned this yet? My eyes look drained, tired, and small.

Even when compared to other draining times the past two years.

Sigh! Surely this can’t be because of T.

I think I need to manage my stress. And I set up another appointment with my psychiatrist to figure out my meds and hopefully do more labs. My body is changing and I… want to get my depression more under control.

I want my eyes to gleam again.

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Leaving IS loving, and if someone can’t be there for you, believe them. Let them leave, even if you grieve.

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I am grateful to know I can still be soft, loving, and full of emotion (so many of them) after all this time. Time will not harden me in ways I cannot grow. Time is not my enemy.

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Another night. More cathartic crying. More releasing.

And remembering that she told me - rang it through my frame - that she would support me no matter what I do.

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Everything I said in my last post is true. And I processed a lot of this in therapy… but I still love my ex-partner, and while I don't think I could have reacted any other way at the time… I do wonder what would have happened if I fought against their break-up text. I asked my therapist this.

But I can't dwell on paths not taken. Just the future.

I just… it was so sudden.

And omfg I am A WIMP at being broken up with lol. And… I also saw and felt how I was being disregarded. Should I have been more sensitive to their issues?

Sigh. Idk. I have needs too. Idk.

I did the best I could. I still have no regrets.

It is okay to feel grief at a recent break-up. Life is moving on, and all the gaps are filled with myself and my friends. I miss talking to them the most.

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I’ve had to release a lot of uncomfortable but necessary emotions the past two months-ish.

It hasn’t been easy but… I feel better now. I’m still dealing with grief and physical pain. I still have healing work to do (always).

And I have been learning more lessons about reaching out for help and support. It is okay to fill my cup and not continuously fill others’. It is OK to receive.

I also feel calmer and don’t feel that horrible yearning to have a partner(s), even though I have validated myself that it’s a perfectly fine and valid life goal along with my other life goals! I gotta trust that if it is meant to be, it will be! Even if it is for a short time or even if it takes different forms.

And… my friends are so romantic, and I’m so lucky to have them. I am so so grateful for all the beautiful friendships.

I’m grateful for my journey even if it hurts.

I am not my grief.

And I am supported.

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My money plant's lessons

(That is, her lessons in rest)

The leaves of my money plant Had been falling off for months— Only now, these past few weeks, It's looking okay again. It's growing new spurts, And the leaves look brighter, Fuller. My beautiful tree looks taller.

I had tried different amounts of water, Different soils, different spots, More light, then less light— I suppose I needed rest. Maybe my plant did, too.

It hurts to rest when all You want is to be over it. WHEN WILL IT BE OVER? When will this healing be Less painful? When does growing begin? When the leaves keep falling?

I've been doing so much, And my back aches with proof. I'm hurting inside deeply, So much so that sometimes… I Forget to breathe, gasping, Until tears break through.

I look at those hopeful green sprouts— Cute bunches of leaves Waiting to be nurtured into Fanned out leaves

My friends hold me steady Through this existential weight. The lessons, the therapy, the breaking, And the rest—the stillness and discomfort of rest— Helps me understand.

I wanted to give up On wanting a mutually reciprocal relationship Or partnership. I wanted to give up On all the emotionally distant queers In this too-small city. But those are not the issues.

I tell myself I deserve better ways To spend these precious hours. Maybe to rest. And to surround myself with Community care and liberation (While working for money, While continuously learning self-care).

Things will happen for me when it's right. And I will receive what I truly want. I don't need to force anything Other than to keep finding myself And to be in love with my friends— The pruning, the falling, and the growing —it all fulfills me anyway.

--

Rose the artist formerly known as she her Pri

~ গোলাপ্রী

Good weekend but physically overdid it yesterday. I had more fulfilling friend time though. But today…. I’m sore and so tired.

I suppose I need to rest. I’ve been doing a lot.

My back hurts again, and I’ve got random pains all over.

:/ it’s ok.

I’m hurting inside a lot. So much that sometimes I forget to breathe and gasp for air. Then I cry.

My friends are really supportive, and I think a lot of it is existential. My meds are fine. I have been talking about a lot in therapy since Jan about the existential part of it.

My goals now all surround community care and liberation as much I can (while working for fucking money… and trying to take care of myself). Now that I have given up on dating emotionally unavailable queers in this stupidly small city, I have time to volunteer more (and it’s more fulfilling anyway). I deserve better behavior and activities with my time.

—

My soul desires to create. My body wants to be comfortable and loved. My ego wants to stop overthinking and just be flawed, as we all are.

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You are a goddess, and I am a simple being, trembling beneath the weight of your presence. I believed you would heal me— wrap me in silken light, stroke the knots of my sorrow until they unraveled into grace. And you said, “Sure, let’s begin.” But what I meant wasn’t this. What I thought was gentleness wasn’t the fire you lit in me. I thought healing would be soft and sensual, a balm against my bruises, a dream made flesh, a cocoon for my desires. Not this— this unmasking, this shattering of the mirror that held the fragile portrait of my persona. Not this pain, raw and unrelenting, flaying my illusions one by one until I stood exposed, naked in your gaze. You loved me in the discomfort, held me in the discovery, kissed the breaking open as though it were a blessing. And perhaps it is. Perhaps healing isn’t soft, but sharp, jagged, alive. Perhaps the only way to live is to be pierced by it, to be stripped of every lie until the truth shines like a wound, like a gift. And so I stand, shivering in this unmaking, no longer sure where I begin or end. Your hands are not kind, but they are sure— sculptor’s hands, breaking me apart to rebuild a thing I cannot yet fathom. “Trust,” you whisper, though it sounds like thunder. And I do, though the trust tastes of blood, though it feels like falling into endless sky. Your eyes burn with something ancient, and I realize— you are not here to save me. You are here to remind me I was never broken, only buried beneath the weight of my own forgetting. - Larston Langston

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Sometimes choosing yourself is the last thing you want to do but it’s nice to know you have a voice, that you have morals and dignity, and that you’re figuring it out day by day… even if it is messy af (I almost convinced myself today that I’ve let myself go. Almost.)

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Omfg I love my friends so much. I have been struggling in various ways but (even if it is hard to do) reaching out in various ways with my friends the past couple of weeks has meant THE WORLD.

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My body is not doing okay today.

And I DID get all my healthcare appointments lined up.

I need rest.

About to do another round of grocery shopping

But omg my body is dragging

And I’ve been crying a lot

:/

I still have a lot to be grateful for

But sigh

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Another day, another opportunity to be grounded in myself and resilient

I was being all productive but I’ve been hella exhausted

I’m going to try my best to keep going even if I have to nap a lot

Not every life challenge is traumatic

It will be ok, and I got this.

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I wrote another poem about you today

And I haven’t spoken to you in years.

But it was you who got me writing again

And it’s still you who has me writhing in the agony

Of a connection lost,

Lessons learned,

And the wisdom that even if I hate that it all happened this way,

I am so grateful to have met you.

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I wrote another thought piece on Substack titled: "The Urgent Need for Intersectional Solidarity: We Need to Talk About Privilege in LGBTQ+ Communities While Other Communities Are Being Targeted"

This is how I've been introducing it on other platforms: The erasure of trans histories isn't just about words—it's about existence. If you've been chronically perturbed like I have, you might be interested in reading my most recent Substack article.