vizthedatum

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It is interesting how life plays out. My two friends got married today, and it was not what any of us would have expected to happen a year ago from today. The wedding was perfect. Their combined family is gorgeous. And they deserve so much love and happiness.

And then I had a fantastic night out with one of my besties!!! I didn't think I could have given them this gift or even been so close to them a couple of years ago. I am so happy I was able to do this! I am beyond grateful for this friendship.

My friends are part of my polyamory, and I'm beaming with love.

And!!! I have a partner and metamour now (!!!!!!) and while things are new and life/trauma stuff still happens… I really care about them both.

—

I'm still working on many things, including unfinished projects and my dysregulated nervous systems… and still working myself out of debt. Still chronically ill. I still have debilitating PTSD.

I am always worthy, though.

I'm learning to relax more in relationships. Tough stuff will happen… to me or to any of us, but I can lead with compassion for myself.

I deserve to radically care for someone without overgiving or harming myself. I deserve to be so full of myself that my separation from the people I love will not affect my love for them or for myself. (Is that so much to ask for? Heh.)

I want to love as deeply as I know I'm capable of. I'm not talking about not being chronically ill or having mental health issues - I am talking about leading with the love that is innate so that I can love people and the world around me.

I deserve to love myself even when I am drowning in pain or anxiety.

I deserve a beautiful community. I deserve love and peace.

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GAY SOLSTICE WEDDING TODAY ❄️✨❄️✨❄️✨❄️✨❄️✨❄️✨

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A full weekend. I deserve to have a nice weekend. Feeling some insecurity at the moment but I have a lot of joy within me too. I deserve joy and stability.

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I had a nice night last night and a good morning. I feel pretty calm. I'm exhausted because of work, but it's Friday!

I want to tell myself that I'm so glad I'm not in a state of shock like I was two years ago. I'm so glad my nervous system isn't in that state. I am so glad I'm healing, even if many days are hard. I'm doing it. There will be good days when I can care for myself and have good experiences like today.

Let this be a reminder when I'm having a bad day. That even when I'm coming off of a challenging period, when I’m staving off panic attacks (and having them and pain flares and flashbacks and horrible spirals)… I can still have calm, good days… even amidst the world's chaos.

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*sighs, visibly frustrated* let me put this in words you can understand: meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

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font reviews based on how good :3 looks

Arial: Classic font, looks good for the most part, but a little bit bland also. 6/10

Berlin Sans FB: There's already a lot more character, but the mouth is simply too long and the lips don't curl enough which takes away from the experience. 4/10

Comic Sans MS: Now THAT'S a colon-three. There's so much silliness in that face it's hard to bear. My only real critique is that the eyes are just a smidge too narrow, but that's just a nitpick more than anything. 8/10

Courier New: Sleek. Professional. Big vertical eyes full of glee. Very solid choice for a colon-three font. 7/10

Jokerman: I feel bad for including this one. That font stood no chance against the others. This is the eldritch horror of colon-threes. These eyes are filled with nothing except murderous intent. The mouth is crooked with a sharp corner, but the most egregious part is probably the teeth-like protrustions from the bottom part of the mouth. 0/10

Goudy Stout: An interesting take on colon-three. I like the idea of having an incredibly thick mouth (even if it's a bit too thick for my liking), and the eyes being big and centered is a big positive. Much sillier than most fonts, but I think struggles to beat Comic Sans in terms of silliness. 6/10

Consolas: Worse version of Courier New. The lips just don't curl enough and it just ends up looking a little pathetic. 4/10

Fixedsys: Oh my god. Holy shit. What the fuck. 10/10

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I still find myself in so much grief. It all still swirls in my head about how easy it was for them to ignore what was happening (what was happening to me) and throw it all away (throw me away). How easy it was for my whole world to fall apart (even though it was already broken) just because they hated me and thought I deserved it. How easy it was for them to not get help (to deny any wrongdoing on their part) and to label me as the unstable one.

I know I have improved since then but the trauma still replays. My anxiety is so bad.

It might be my increased T dose but I'm staving off panic attacks a lot… :/

I don't want to ruin my current relationships. Especially now that things are going well (even if I still feel hurt and betrayed. Even if I am literally paying for everything that happened two years ago. I hate you so much. I hate what this did to me. I hate being alone like this. I hate that I'm so fucking old and I am restarting my life. I hate that you hurt me.).

—

Maybe I need to talk to my doctor about my T and meds - I don't deserve to be in pain like this.

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I am finding peace with my past self being ashamed with themselves and their emotions.

I don't want to apologize (especially to myself, as I so often do/did) for feeling the way I feel.

I think it has what’s kept me from my autism diagnosis for so long. And unfortunately it made me very easy to manipulate.

I was holding on to a false sense of control and calling it my own place of safety.

Last year (and earlier this year)… I was betrayed by my past self. I even yelled at myself… “How could you do this to me? To us?”

But that was just more shame. It was my anger and grief that I couldn't and wasn't able to set and uphold personal boundaries.

And also!! I need to be more compassionate to myself. I'm not silly or stupid. I was trying my best, and I just wanted to be loved…. There isn't anything wrong with that effort or that desire.

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So last week, I had a pretty rough time. I used all my coping strategies.

I also started drinking pop again - like more than just occasionally. I bought a bunch of soda. *cries*

It has been comforting. (The great part of living alone is burping loudly with no one to pay heed to.)

I just wanted to feel better, and while this isn't the healthiest thing for my condition (and like… I'm not IC flaring anymore since Thursday, and I've only been drinking more soda since then (I am also drinking way more water - at least when I'm alone)), I needed the mental comfort.

My pop of choice has been Coke lately. Not diet, no Dr. Pepper (I cannot stand it anymore since my pregnancy scare last year), … nothing else really.

I know this is temporary.

I do not want to mess up my nutrition when I have worked so hard on my food and exercise.

But I think it is ok to have a few cans in my fridge for some of my weaker moments.

—

I have been feeling so weak lately. Crying a lot when I'm alone. I feel things integrating and I feel more whole but the process is pointing out to all the places where I feel like I'm broken still. I know I'm not broken and that the process is not to blame. This isn't supposed to be a punishment.

I'm trying very hard to accept myself, and it is challenging. It is so challenging to get past the shame.

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I wish I weren't so pain-averse. I have wanted to be pain-free so severely that I run away from anything that can cause me pain. Lately, I've been trying to change how I view pain. Maybe I'm viewing pain, especially anticipated pain, all wrong? That's the trouble with being anxious for most of your life. You think everything will hurt, so you don't even try it. You think, “Well, this fucked me up before; why shouldn't I expect it to fuck me up again?” so you don't try it even if you know you're approaching it differently this time. I am causing myself more pain by running away.

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I have been feeling self-conscious about my venting.

Under my venting, it feels like I'm just gossiping (with just my perspective and not the whole picture) about people who I once loved.

And under the gossiping (which was not my intention anyway) lies grief. The grief of disconnection. The grief that things were so misaligned that the connection could not be repaired. I couldn't bear to be in those connections anymore.

My worldview has drastically changed as I've been healing. I feel like it is circular, going round and round, as I encounter the same patterns in different people. The main thing that has changed is how I respond.

I must accept that I cannot relate to everyone… and won't always say the right thing. My emotions deserve space, and I am responsible for letting them take that space. It is how I will get stronger.

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Re-emerging from pain again

This week, mentally and physically, WAS BRUTAL AS FUCK. I was in HORRIBLE pain until last night.

And today? Today, I'm just feeling better and better. I was even able to work out harder than I thought I could. I think something snapped back into me, if that makes sense, like a bone that just got reset.

The anxiety medications helped a lot, too. My flare was entirely stress-based.

Yeah, I'm no longer obsessing over the person I didn't know very well from my past. This has happened a lot in my life. I latch on to a concept of a person, and usually, the person doesn't want me even remotely the way I want them. They don't even want to be my friend. I call them "living journals." I have called them that since middle/high school.

Living journals... because I confide in them things I typically don't tell people... they're biological containers of me. So even if they don't want me, they have me. A remnant of a misguided love.

But yeah. Fuck that rumination. Lol, I've got other, more tangible things to ruminate about *dryly laughs*

--

The holiday break is coming soon. Things are settling, even if it's hard. The trauma is still there, but I'm working through it and prioritizing myself.

I'm going to a party tonight with the current person I'm dating and their partner. It's going to be super cute :)

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glimmer moments in the midst of pain

A colleague put in his 2025 calendar that he was going to check in about the art I want to do over the holiday break.

That was so sweet.

And my friends really uplifted me this week.

And I got asked out! I declined!

And called gorgeous by a fantastic close friend.

My friend really liked my cake and would like me to bake it for Chanukah.

I can lift more and be more mobile than I was back in August (let's not talk about how I haven't lost any weight).

I'm still a badass when it comes to statistical analysis.

I am more capable than I think.

I got a new coffee table very recently!!! It's great for games!

I have so much going for me.

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Was able to calm my body and mind tonight.

I felt like my flare was a fever coursing through my body for the past two days. Panic attacks. Soaring pain. Soreness. Defeat.

I put aside time to lay down and be creative. To try to eat. To take my anxiety meds. To complain and vent.

--

I am not pathetic.

I am ok.

I do not want to be in pain forever.

I want to feel good and loved, and I am.

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screaming, crying, throwing up, as I force myself to write a story i'm very passionate about and love writing and have no obligation to write except that i want to

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I'm straight-up flaring all over now.

And I just had a panic attack earlier tonight.

Ugh.