#TW: Implied PTSD

[konoa-t]

As anticipated, here's some random tidbits about Ackley and Oron, the two silliest and goodest boys in my fan OC arsenal :D The info here isn't in any particular order (°▽°)/

There's gonna be a bit of text, so I'm putting it behind a cut. Enjoy! And thank you again to everyone who showed interest in these two!

[TW: SENSITIVE CONTENT (see tags)]

Ackley:

Ackley is the cool-headed mercenary of the colony, hired to fight alongside them or run recon and gather intel. He joined their ranks not because of pay, but because both he and the other knights he works with share the same goal: to get rid of those annoying little dark essence creatures.

A while back, Ackley had a bit of a violent run-in with a man named Metus. He was travelling through a planet when he got captured by Metus' subordinates and brought to his lair. Metus had known of Ackley's exploits and how much of an effective warrior he was, especially with the help of those interesting wings of his... He gave Ackley an ultimatum: either join him (which would most likely require him to kill off his own kind), or suffer the consequences. Ackley wasn't interested. And so, off goes the ends of his wings (sawn off roughly at the wrist joint). The whole ordeal made his wings go mostly numb from nerve damage, as well as giving him occasional phantom pains. Injured and on the verge of passing out, Ackley manages to escape and bumps into the colony. They patch him up and help him recover from his injuries, giving him medicine for the pain. Though he was too exhausted to speak, Ackley thanked them from the bottom of his heart, and vowed to crush Metus for what he had done to him. When he was offered a job with the colony, he accepted it almost immediately. Not only would this help him pay back his debt to them (/m), but it would also help offer him a straight line to Metus.

Whether its to cope with the trauma of his past or for some other reason, Ackley will occasionally light a cigarette to take the edge off. (I did make him smoke cuz I thought that it would be funny, but now I'm trying to fit it in with the plot). He doesn't like the taste of plain tobacco though, so he usually buys flavored ones.

He will often (jokingly) flirt with people he knows well (the vibes of it are kinda sorta like the whole "kiss the homies goodnight" thing).

Ackley has a habit of not taking things very seriously. He often treats battle as some sort of game and make jokes of things, even if its serious. (Though, if its serious enough [like murder], he wont be as likely to make light of it).

He had once looked at a portrait of Oron. He thought that he looked handsome. (the portrait had somehow come up in a conversation he was having with one of the colony's members. The colony member took him to Oron's memorial where the portrait was being kept.)

A pastime of his is stargazing!

Oron:

Oron is the chivalrous and kind-hearted elite knight who served directly under Empress Vita alongside Yumi (they were, in some aspects, like retainers). Many knights often looked up to him, sometimes referring to him as a "fairytale knight*" due to his strict following to the guidelines of chivalry and exemplary behavior both on and off of the battlefield. Civilian women within the colony also took quite a liking to Oron due to this fact, often sending him gifts or flowers (mostly as platonic tokens of appreciation, though some women would send him gifts to try and woo him).

He had died during the events of The Great Raid, and now his soul roams the Azure Plane**.

To elaborate on the previous point, he had perished while he was defending the Empress from the corrupt invaders storming the palace. One of the creatures had gotten a pretty good hit on him, leaving a large gash in his side. He ultimately died of blood loss. (Fortunately his death wasn't in vain! The Empress was saved and unhurt thanks to his efforts!)

A small statue of Oron (that serves as a monument) lies on Draconis, the planet the colony currently lives on.

Oron has golden retriever energy! He is a very happy and pleasant person in general. He also gets easily excited about things. Many people have noted him as having some kind of "sunshiny aura."

When Oron talks or writes, he almost never uses contractions. There isn't any real known reason for this; it just seems to be a little quirk of his.

He often roams around the Azure Plane aimlessly, looking for opportunities to keep his sword skills sharp (he often practices on trees) or for other things to do to pass the time. Occasionally, an entity known as Mors will appear and speak with him for a while; he always enjoys her company!

One time, Oron was allowed to peek into the living world. He was surprised to see that the landscape had changed drastically. When he asked Mors about it, she stated that his home planet had been destroyed, and that the planet he was now looking at was Draconis. After that, Oron went silent for several days, almost as if he were in a state of mourning.

*Historically, knights did not always follow all the tenets of chivalry, often assaulting peasant women and rich widows as well as abusing their status and power as a knight. That being said, Oron is referred to by this name due to his almost unrealistically ideal nature as a warrior. In other words, he acts just like how a "proper" knight would act, or how knights in fairy tales or other fictional stories/legends would behave.

**The Azure Plane is a place that I can only describe as limbo. It is a hazy, plains-like environment that is devoid of any (intact) structures. Souls who still have unfinished business or unfulfilled wishes are normally transported here. Until their problems are dealt with, they remain in this desolate area, sometimes being driven mad by the isolation.

BONUS INFO!! :DD

Many people in the colony have mixed feelings on Ackley's smoking habit. They're glad that he doesn't do it very often (it takes him like a week to finish a pack; dontcha wish all smokers could be like that? /hj), but they are still very much concerned for his health. Ackley insists that he is fine, but they have their doubts...

Although beings sent to the Azure Plane are often isolated, this isn't to say there isn't ANYONE else around. The Plane is vast; spirits sent here are normally scattered about. It may take a while, but you could potentially run into other souls there.

Time does not pass in the Azure Plane. It is always midday.

Oron has no idea who Ackley is, but I think he would like him :D

Both Ackley and Oron have recurring nightmares about their respective traumatic incidents. :((

[phantom-of-the-ruckus]

Once upon a Midnight Dreary Chapter 4

I'm actually at chapter 7 "Enlocked", but CH5 will be posted next week, so I can have an established posting schedule.

I'll eventually update CH4 to AO3

This takes place around the 1800s, so be aware that some of the reactions are implied to be typical of the period. This does NOT reflect my perspective on mental health.

Previous Chapter

Next chapter

Library

Chapter 4: Acquaintances 

As far as you can tell, I am clearly not mad. You would even tell me that I was quite sane, and you would be right. Perhaps, too descriptive towards my feelings. Perhaps too biased, and a bit…well…hostile with my narration. I wouldn’t say that you are wrong, nor right about your perspective. I was, and still are in a very dark place in my mind, deep dark, and keeping myself organize makes things easier to remember. 

To be honest, I am not very organized with my feelings. It is easier for me to concentrate into one of the things that I am feeling. It does make it easier for me to tell the tale of what happen, but it partially leaves it monotonous in some aspects. I was feeling a range of different emotions.  

Yes…I was grieving for the death of my father, but I was also furious at the world and the God he believed, that took them away. 

It was a small anger though, a tiny little atom of a complex mixture. A compound, perhaps. It does become hard to tell overtime. 

I don’t often like to let myself divulge into my different thoughts and feelings as I mention the importance of the order, but this particular type of the story makes me divulge into my mind as it did take me a while to open up myself, and I had a lot of conflicted feelings regarding the two people I mentioned previously.

Not romantic feelings. I am not a person who felt any particular attraction at all. I believe I just worked strangely differently when it came towards attraction.

Anyways, this part of the tale started exactly when Dr. Gubberson decided it was time for me to try to socialize more. I admit that I was not particularly thrilled. I was not a person of interacting, but it was necessary to my adaptability upon my stay at the institution. I knew that I had to behave as they expected to me to survive, but I was not comfortable about socializing with those who needed more help than I did.

As much as my father’s murder and my mother’s passing destroyed me. I was a sane woman stuck in a world of those who had it worse than me. I couldn’t bear to feel guilty about being alright to compare to them. It was an injustice I wasn’t thrilled to live with. 

That was the best way I could describe my first day at the recreation center. I was avoidant of any possible eye contact, and I became unease at the groans, and screams of patients being handled by the doctors.  I remember I was feeling I was being watched, and I was actually being watched. Besides by the doctors and guards, making sure I wouldn’t try to escape, but I was being observed by a particular blond woman. A mother, to be precise, that would eventually reach out to me in my second day. 

She was Mrs. Daisy Charlene Danger, age 47. 

Mrs. Danger or Daisy, as she was preferred to be call, took a particular interest on me during my first day.  I am not exactly precise into why I immediately caught her attention, as when I asked Daisy, her response was quite vague. My best guess it was that it was a mother instic she had. Perhaps she was just like my late mother, she was good at ready body language. Perhaps she saw something on my posture or the way my body moved. My mother used could easily tell whenever I was unwell, perhaps it was something she learn from her years as a nurse, or perhaps it was a maternal kick mothers had (as for Daisy was a housewife.)

Either way, I managed to caught her attention for the rest of that first day. She did not approach right then. According to Daisy, she wanted to make a first impression. An early first impression.

“Well hello deary!” That was the first thing I heard when I step into the recreation room. I saw a round woman, certainly older. She had blond hair, and a blue eye. Her left eye was covered in what it looked to be a black rose. A very well painted black rose painted over the eye patch. Her cheeks were rosy, but were covered in dark trips almost as she cried over painted eyes or something. 

I admittedly was startled by her. 

“Mrs. Danger, please, back off.” One of the doctors hissed. Mrs. Danger, or well Daisy, backed up 3 steps. Her eye was sparkling with interest and she was fidgeting with her fingers, which were covered in slightly bloody bandages. 

“Is this a good distance, Dr. Martin?” Her voice was sweet. It was soft and energetic. It was soothing, and quite motherly. 

“There is no way of getting you to step out, is there?” I remember Dr. Martin muttering. It was the first time I saw one of the doctors acting nicely. 

I would come to learn later, that they found it easier to comply with most of the interactions Daisy herself had with the other inmates or doctors. It made her temper calm, and she was pleasant enough for them. I honestly like her both ways…

“Anyways. She’s all yours, Mrs. Danger.” Dr. Martin muttered before releasing me from his grip without a care. I forced himself not to give him a spiteful look there. “Just do be careful, the damozel had a history of aggression or something like that.”

Obviously, you could tell that was a lie…

“Probably some fool getting the black cat wet!” Daisy chuckled at Dr. Martin. He simply rolled his eyes and proceeded to leave the room. Daisy momentary frowned. “Well, that was not nice, was it?”

“It’s what expected in this place…” I found myself muttering. Daisy turned to me with a wide smile while she shook her head. 

“Negativity won’t get you anywhere, dear!” Daisy chuckled. She stared at me momentarily. Her grin never faded. “Yeah, negatively won’t do you good, sweet pea; especially considering you’re just a tiny rosebud.”

I made no comment at this.

“Now, I am well aware the doctors aren’t nice per se, but in just a manner of time you will be calling this place your temporal home.” She beamed. I couldn’t help but sneer. Her positivism sicken me during that time. That was something I would start to regret later in time as I got to know poor Daisy much better. 

Daisy did notice my sneer, but she was rather concerned than bothered by it as she said. “I know it’s hard to adjust to newcomers as yourself, little darling, but I’ll be happy to help you feel more comfortable around this place.”

I became tensed for a moment. I am still surprised that she could tell to this day I was a new to the place when we first met.

“How-” I tried to ask, but Daisy already figure it out what I was trying to say and beat me to the answer.

“It is just easy to tell, dear.” She chuckled. I did not figure out who was new ad who was old. 

She held my hand without a warning. I fought the urge to retrieve it as this was the only decency I received during my stayed. Daisy gently leaded me around. She started to mumble all sort of stuff, that I now regret to fully paying attention. Thankfully, I do recall some important mentions like:

“Don’t worry about hurting my hands. I sometimes get clumsy sewing. Ya know, it took a while for Dr. Gubberson to let me have my sewing kit back!”

And

“I used to own a cat. He was a lovely thing, he’s name was Pluto. He was a young sweet thing, he loved to climb up my husband’s bust of Athena and watch him work. He had a good cat life”

Or

“Oh, I have a daughter, you know? She’s just 10 years. You remind me of her darling.”

I was 26 years of age if you were curious. I did look older due to the circumstances I had to deal with. 

“Oh!” Daisy seemingly stopped in the middle of her mumbling.  I stared at her. Not sure what was going on in her head, but apparently she was trying to remember something. “I need to introduce you to my good friend Nicholas! He was interned here just a year ago, I am sure you would love him!”

And that was how I was introduced to Nicholas Nathaniel Nack, age 24. 

Daisy dragged me across the recreation room. She was moving rather quickly due to her excitement. I was not particularly eager to start off immediately my interaction with my inmates this fast. I was planning into observe and find the best way to interact, but I am thankful that Daisy helped me foil my plans as you would eventually see later in this tragic tale. 

“Nicholas! Nicholas!” Daisy called. A young man with a messy, dirty brown hair turned around. His face was covered with band-aids. He, however, looked rather tired and annoyed at Daisy. 

“Daisy, when would you stop mothering every young person you see?” Nicholas huffed before returning to his plate. I noticed he was painting with his food. It was a portrait of some red mysterious looking man and a clock behind him.

“Don’t be jealous, Nick!” Daisy chuckled. I simply stared, trying to figure out of the situation. Nick simply narrowed his eyes at her. “I just found a new face around here. She appears to be in the need of some good company.”

“So, Dr. Gubberson also decided to sent her to the recreation room…” Nick Nack remarked 

“Nicholas!” Daisy frowned 

“It’s the true, isn’t it?” He asked giving me a glance. His eyes quickly shifted away when we his purplish blue yes met mine. I simply nodded.

“Well, I’ll take this as an opportunity to built upon friendships.” Daisy declared. She gestured one of the seats as she said. “Do take a seat, my dear.”

“Thank you…” I muttered as I took a seat. Daisy sat next to me. I could feel the atmosphere becoming heavier at that moment. 

“Isn’t she a darling?” Daisy chuckled as she accommodate in her seat. Nick imitated himself to just stare.  I lowered my head, wishing the visit was over. Daisy, however, decided to make the most out of what remaining time we have. “Oh, I was too excited to remember to introduce myself.”

“When are you not?” Nick sneered. Daisy ignored his comment.

“Let’s make it interesting. Let’s say our name what was our occupation before we got interned.” Daisy beamed. “I’ll start! My name is Daisy Charlene Danger. I was a wife before being interned into the psychiatric institution two years ago.” She stared at Nick. 

Sighing, Nick introduced himself. “Nicholas Nathaniel Nack. I was a painter before being interned here.”

All eyes were shifted upon me. I had to choose but to introduce myself. “I am Riley Anne Ruckus. I….I was going to become a Nurse.”

There was a brief silence. Nick looked startled while Daisy simply smiled. They recognized my last name…

“Ruckus? Like the doctor that was murdered a few months ago?” Nick asked. I lowered my head. Tears were threatened to leave my eyes.

My dear poor father…who could have done this to you?

“Nicholas!” Daisy scolded the young man.

“Sorry, it was just familiar…” Nick apologized with a sneer. Daisy turned towards me. It was the first time I ever saw her sad. 

“Was he…related to you somehow?” Daisy asked. I nodded.

“Yes…He was my father…” I muttered. My lips trembling as I was holding back the urge of crying. I could see them lifeless corpse once again in front of me…that fateful night…

“Ermm…Sorry…I didn’t mean to refresh your memory.” Nick apologized softly. He was blushing with embarrassment 

“It doesn’t matter anymore…”I said, whipping off the tears that left my eyes. Daisy pursed her lips while Nick looked away embarrassed and ashamed. 

“it Is alright if you wish to cry, my dear.” Daisy said as she patted my shoulder. Her right eye was glimmering. It looked almost if she wanted to cry as well. “No need to push our emotions. If you need an embrace or some sort I am available, or we could-”

“I…I think I need some time alone.” I excused my self as I rose from my sit, bowing my head to hide the growing tears running from my face. Then I walked off without even saying goodbye. 

I cried the rest of the day in my room, muttering my father's name.

[to0needy]

not being able to kill myself is the worst feeling

[bpdmaxxer]

“But he was just a child”

So was I

And I’m suffering and he’s not

[larrrrs]

I have been sad since a child, but now im running out of distractions and that scares me .. i scare me . This could be it for me..

[dying-weeds]

I feel like it's not talked enough about how SA really strips you of your identity. Like someone violates your basic humanity and you're left to deal with the aftermath of having everything you are as a person taken away from you. It makes you feel subhuman.

[rottenn-angel]

I’m so tired of sleep not being safe.

[aftgficrec]

Hii ! Any fics where Neil reacts to Wymack subconsciously like he did the first time (flinching/afraid)? Preferably post canon but can also be AUs. Thank you!!

General asks like this can be difficult to search for, but here’s what we found for you. -A

canon divergent longer fics:

‘Hope Was A Dangerous, Disquieting Thing’ here

‘Up On The Roof’ here (soulmates, updated)

‘Pebble Brain’ here

‘Yes, Coach’ here 

‘Neil Josten's No Good Terrible Luck’ here (updated)

‘Take my Kidney. Take my Life.’ here

‘Deals With Devils’ and ‘Not Yours To Bleed’ here (both updated)

short au:

‘The Rabbit Becomes the Fox’ here 

kid fics with dadmack:

‘ten children, one acquarium’ and ‘For little monsters with fragile hearts’ here ‘slow down (you crazy child)’ and ‘Make a Home’ (updated) here ‘Raised on Little Light’ here (completed)

you may also like:

Mary & Nathan's impact on Neil here

Neil goes to therapy here 

post canon:

I Wish I Were Fine, I Thought I Was by pawnofkings [Not Rated, 2509 Words, Complete, 2020]

“Ow, shit!” Wymack exclaims, retracting his arm. There's a slight burn on his skin. Neil stands, frozen, feeling like time itself has stopped. But if it had, then Wymack wouldn’t be moving in his direction and - The pan clatters to the floor, and Neil is several feet away before he realizes he’s moved at all. But suddenly, he’s half-lying on the floor. He stares at his arms, thrown up in front of him as if to protect him, and on the other side of them is Wymack, looking down at him as if he’s just seen somebody die. --- Or: a Fox family dinner goes awry, and Neil struggles to come to terms with his own instincts.

tw: violent flashbacks, tw: child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: ptsd

How to Disappear Completely by miauhito [Rated M, 4850 Words, Complete, 2024]

“I nearly cut myself,” He cries, looking down at the floor, “I’m scared, please. I’ve been hurting myself, with cigarettes and getting bruises and fuck I don't know what to do.” He croaks out. He tries to stop himself, but he can't, not anymore. 5 times Neil Josten hurts himself + 1 time he asks for help.

tw: self harm, tw: blood, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: ptsd, tw: hallucinations

canon divergent:

The Wonder of You by KatherineF [Rated G, (we say T), 3872 Words, Complete, 2020]

Previously recced here

Neil is in complete denial that he is struggling with panic attacks. Andrew thinks it would be a good idea to get a support animal. They figure it out together.

tw: ptsd, tw: panic attacks

You Try Until You Can't by AliceTabitha [Rated T, 3129 Words, Complete, 2018]

Previously recced here

Neil knew before he opened his eyes that this wasn’t going to be a good day. Neil Josten has survived everything thrown at him, and he has countless scars to prove it. After all that, it's not unusual for his days to turn sour, but at least he's got Andrew and his team to help pull him back together in the end. With extra support and advice from Wymack, maybe things might somehow end up alright. For today, he just needs to keep surviving.

tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced violence

piece by piece, he restored my faith (that a man can be kind and a father could stay) by kal25 [Rated T, 2337 Words, Incomplete, Updated June 2024]

Previously recced here

David Wymack did not raise kids, but he did raise his Foxes. Each one of them, whether they were past, present, or even future, will always have a place in his heart. He understood what it meant to be beaten by a man you called your father, to feel fear and hatred and another dozen emotions all at once. He understood what it felt like for guilt to eat you alive about things that never should have been wrong, and he understood what it meant to not have a place to call home. And he swore, when he became a coach, that he would create a home. He would build one from the ground up with his own two hands, and he would invite every single child who chased Exy like a beacon of hope and had no other place to call home—because that’s what he wished someone would have done for him.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon

and more than a few bleed into you by brekker [Rated T, 4475 Words, Complete, 2018]

Previously recced here

Neil doesn’t know if this is considered protection or insight because Andrew has always been the quicker of the two to know that these moments are transient and Neil will wake up half a country away and want to come back home when this fear and ache to flee settles back down; either before or after he gets himself hurt. It might be one in the same if Neil thinks about it. It reminds Neil of that thing Renee had said once: This, too, shall pass.

tw: nightmares, tw: depression, tw: implied/referenced torture

Hold Each Other by exactly13percent_OLD (hymbeaux) [Rated E, Collection, Complete, 2018]

Chapter 15: I for an Eye [Rated T, 2544 Words] Previously recced here

Neil has his bad memories. He's managed to keep most of them down, but some start slipping out. It's a good thing he's learning how to make new ones.

tw: ptsd, tw: blood, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced nonconsensual kiss

spirits of martyrdom by sagely_enchanted [Rated T, 6416 Words, Complete, AFTG Fall Exchange 2024]

Neil is pretty sure that he’s drowning, a phantom feeling of a washcloth and water rushing over his head as he stares into the never ending hazel. The blonde of his hair is so bright that it nearly blinds him when compared to the dark of the dorm. He squeezes his eyes shut tightly, willing the image to disappear when he opens his eyes next, but Andrew is still there. - Andrew gets released early from Easthaven and finds Neil at Evermore.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: anxiety, tw: major character injury

till my breathing stops. by plugastwo [Rated E, 94304 Words, Incomplete, Updated Jan 2025]

Neil Josten was a psycho. Foxes knew it. Wymack knew it. Everyone knew it. He and his manic grin were the definition of psychotic. Andrew liked to think, that it was pretty amusing.  ___ where it’s Neil, who takes drugs.

tw: nonconsensual medication, tw: drug addiction, tw: vomit, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: nonconsensual drug use, tw: nonconsensual kissing, tw: medical abuse, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: violence 

canon divergent a/b/o:

just tonight (i won't leave) by pyruismagician [Rated E, 116319 Words, Incomplete, Updated Oct 2024]

"I told you I don't belong to anyone." "And I told you to quit lying to me, or did you come here to explain why you're pretending to be a beta?" Or Neil just wants to play Exy before he dies but the world has other ideas.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: child abuse, tw: animal abuse, tw: nonconsensual drug use, tw: implied/referenced drug addiction, tw: recreational drug use, tw: homophobia, tw: medication addiction, tw: vomit, tw: violence

raven!neil au:

hoping, until the day it dies by infernalstars [Rated M, 27481 Words, Incomplete, Updated Jan 2025]

Nathaniel Wesninski ends up in the hospital with two broken legs. Cast out of the Nest, Kevin Day brings him to the Foxes to recover - emotionally and physically.

tw: self harm, tw: blood, tw: dissociation, tw: flashbacks, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: ptsd, tw: nightmares, tw: panic attacks, tw: vomit, tw: psychotic episode, tw: homophobia, tw: suicidal ideation

one where Andrew flinches from coach:

What Is It To Truly Lose Control? by BisexualChaosDemon [Rated M, 21281 Words, Complete, 2024]

Most of the Foxes still think Andrew is a monster, or a sociopath, but Neil knows better. He knows that Andrew cares deeply about a handful of people but struggles more than he will ever admit with that fact. The thing is, despite Andrew’s commitment to apathy and to denying that he cares about anything, he is often self-sacrificing in his efforts to protect the people he cares about. As Aaron’s trial approaches, Neil gets the sick feeling that Andrew’s self-sacrificing streak is going too far.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: psychiatric abuse, tw: implied/referenced trauma reenactment, tw: ptsd

Art

THE RUNAWAY art by @coppakee

Poor boy with his precious bag art by @/tryashaa on instagram 

Neil Josten art by @estrophysics

Second Chances, vol. II: Runaways eye shadow palette edit by @mistyyed

[it-never-gets-better]

MY BODY TURNED INTO A CORPSE WHEN YOU TOUCHED IT VIOLENTLY.

[traumatizedjaguar]

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."

- Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace.

[lunameimei]

"Maybe you're on top now. But sometimes, even after death, you still can't just cut out everything that happened at the bottom."

comic continuation below under cut

TW ‼️ PTSD, Implied abuse (please be careful 🙏)

Important Note (!)

I am not trying to defend or make anyone look better. “Bad experience” may be an explanation, but not an excuse. If you don't like this ship/HC/art, you can always block/ignore my acct/hashtag. This is fine. Do what is good for your health, but don't attack others.

That's all.

[putridmorutemaggot]

You know, It would be so great if I stopped randomly jumping, feeling gross, or having extremely violent thoughts every time someone touches me

[xjulixred45x]

In the crossover between Dead Plate and My Child Lebensborn, what measures would Rody and Vince take with the Professor Solheim matter? What legal (and illegal) means would they take against him?

TW: MENTION/IMPLICATION OF CSA, PTSD ON CHILDREN, MURDER, ETC.

Ow man...

First of all, I don't think that either Vince or Rody would go unnoticed by the changes in attitude in their respective children, but definitely at the beginning they thought it was because of the Bullying issue than anything else (although they knew about Professor Solheim thanks to the bad guys). moments they put the kids through before this, you can tell they hated it before).

Surprisingly I think Rody might be the first to think that something is wrong with Klaus at school. Rody is much more trustworthy than Vince, so it wouldn't be strange if out of the blue Klaus tells Rody that he doesn't want to go to school or that he doesn't specifically want to go to Professor Solheim's classes.

Rody finds it strange at first, but soon realizes that Klaus wouldn't ask to skip school if something really bad was going on (not just bullying). this + when Klaus starts having clear PTSD episodes, make Rody not let Klaus go to school and have a serious talk with him.

When does Rody find out? God, he's devastated to hear Klaus telling him what happened and repeating that it's not his fault and he's right! It's not Klaus' fault. Rody focuses on comforting his little brother and letting him know that he shouldn't hide things like that, that he loves him and is sorry he couldn't prevent this, etc. In general, both of them crying together for a long time.

As for the actions Rody would take against Solheim, it's canon that he would hide a body for Manon, so I can see him going to kick Solheim's ass and even threatening him to never go near Klaus again. and this guy is STRONG (canonically he could break your arm by ACCIDENT, imagine what he could do on purpose), so he won't be satisfied unless Solheim has at least 5 broken bones.

(I can't go into much detail about the legality because Rody is broke bad, but maybe he could convince the other parents to file a class action lawsuit, also being the 60s I don't think Rody would want to put Klaus in that situation or re-traumatize him, SO i think that's all that he would do, not because he wants to, but bc it's all he can do).

Vincent, on the other hand, would take longer to notice the warning signs, since while he is observant, he is also constantly busy during the events of the game, so probably the closest thing he would have to a direct signal would be a of Karin's nannies said that she is acting strange.

and Vince begins to notice these more abrupt changes, how Karin is now more reserved and even rude, how she almost doesn't talk to him anymore (it would take an EMBARRASSING amount of time), etc.

although the definitive warning sign for Vince would be 1) that Karin doesn't want to be bathed and 2) that she doesn't even want to eat. He knows that SOMETHING happened and that Karin is too traumatized to say it, but she is giving him quite direct signals, which leads him to realize what happened, horrified.

Vince is definitely more clumsy when it comes to comforting Karin, but he doesn't lack desire. He mainly tries to comfort her by giving her her favorite foods and giving her a free pass to do whatever she wants (skip school, eat outside food, etc.). and even trying to be more physically affectionate (mainly giving her more hugs, this experience definitely made him realize how much he misses that side of Karin).

As for Solheim...he will be lucky if Vince decides to take the LEGAL route (if that were the case, Solheim would never come out of it, since with how well-known Vince is, public opinion would definitely DESTROY Solheim if Vince don't do it first). Vince tends to be erratic at times like this, so it would be very easy for him to get rid of Solheim PERMANENTLY, it's better that way, he wouldn't have to worry about it hurting Karin anymore.

I think Vincent would feel more guilty than he lets on, precisely because Karin doesn't even feel comfortable telling him what exactly happened (she probably explains it with drawings) and would try to improve his pedagogical skills based on this.

Rody is really just doing his best and still doesn't feel like enough, plus he's probably going to dump all this guilt and bad feelings on Solheim (with a good beating), and ressure Klaus about that 1) it's not His fault and 2) he loves him nonetheless.

Mind you, I don't think either of them will let Karin/Klaus go to school anytime soon, good luck with that.

In general, they both react differently, but they will do ANYTHING to get Solheim out of the picture and give the kids peace/closure.

BONUS: MANON

She would definitely be the one who found out first! (whether being with Rody or babysitting for Vince), she has both Rody's sweetness and Vince's questionable methods (time to make Rody hide the body...)

____

(ESPAÑOL)

TW: MENCION/IMPLICACION DE ABU$O SEXUAL INFANTIL, TEPT EN NIÑOS, ASESINATO, ETC.

Hombre....

primero que nada, no creo que ni Vince ni Rody pasarian por desapercibido los cambios de actitud en sus respectivos niños, pero definitivamente al principio pensaban que era por la cuestion del Bullying que por otra cosa(aunque ellos sabian del profesor Solheim gracias a los malos momentos que hicieron pasar a los niños antes de esto, puedes decir que lo odiaban desde antes).

Sorprendentemente creo que Rody podria ser el primero en pensar que algo anda mal con Klaus en la escuela. Rody da mucha mas confianza que Vince, por lo que no seria raro si de la nada Klaus le dice a Rody que no quiere ir a la escuela o que puntualmente no quiere ir a las clases del profesor Solheim.

Rody lo encuentra raro al principio, pero pronto se da cuenta de que Klaus no pediria faltar a la escuela si realmente algo malo estuviera pasando(no solo el Bullying). esto + cuando Klaus empieza a tener episodios claros de PTSD, hacen que Rody no deje que Klaus vaya a la escuela y tenga una charla seria con el.

¿cuando Rody se entera? dios, esta destrozado de escuchar a Klaus decirle lo que paso y repitiendo que no es su culpa ¡y tiene razon! no es culpa de Klaus. Rody se centra en consolar a su hermanito y hacerle saber que no debe ocultar ese tipo de cosas, que lo ama y lamenta no haber podido evitar esto, etc. en general ambos llorando juntos un buen rato.

en cuanto a las acciones que tomaria Rody en contra de Solheim, es canon que el ocultaria un cuerpo por Manon, asi que puedo verlo llendo a patearle el trasero a Solheim e incluso amenazandole con no acercarse a Klaus nunca mas. y este sujeto es FUERTE(canónicamente podria romperte el brazo por ACCIDENTE, imagínate lo que podria hacer adrede), asi que no estara sarisfecho a menos que Solheim tenga 5 huesos rotos, por lo menos.

(no puedo profundizar mucho en lo legal porque Rody esta en quiebra, pero talvez podria convencer a los demas padres para presentar una demanda colectiva, igualmente siendo los 60s no creo que Rody quisiera poner a Klaus en esa situación o re-traumatizarlo).

Vincent, por otro lado, tardaria mas en darse cuenta de las señales de alerta, ya que si bien es observador, tambien esta constantemente ocupado durante los eventos del juego, por lo que probablemente lo mas cercano que tendria a una señal directa seria que una de las nannys de Karin dijera que ella esta actuando extraño.

y Vince empieza a notar estos cambios mas bruscos, el como Karin ahora es mas reservada e incluso grosera, el como casi ya no le habla(le tomaria una cantidad VERGONZOSA de tiempo), etc.

aunque la señal de alerta definitiva para Vince seria el 1) el que Karin no quiere que la bañen y 2) que ella nisiquiera quiera comer. el sabe que ALGO paso y que Karin esta muy traumada para decirlo, pero le esta dando señales bastante directas, lo que lleva a que se de cuenta de lo que paso, horrorizado.

Vince es definitivamente mas torpe a la hora de consolar a Karin, pero no le faltan ganas. principalmente trata de reconfortarla dandole sus comidas favoritas y dandole pase libre para hacer lo que quiera(faltar a la escuela, comer comida de afuera, etc). e incluso tratando de ser mas afectivo físicamente (dandole mas abrazos principalmente, esta experiencia definitivamente le hizo darse cuenta de lo mucho que extraña ese lado de Karin).

en cuanto a Solheim...tendra suerte si es que Vince decide tomar la ruta LEGAL(si fuera asi, Solheim no saldria nunca, ya que con lo conocido que es Vince, definitivamente la opinión pública DESTRUIRIA a Solheim). Vince tiende a ser erratico en momentos como este, por lo que seria muy facil para el deshacerse de Solheim PERMANENTE, es mejor asi, no tendria que preocuparse de que le haga daño a Karin nunca mas.

creo que Vincent se sentiria mas culpable de lo que deja ver, justamente porque Karin nisiquiera se siente comoda diciendole que fue lo que paso exactamente (probablemente lo explique por dibujos) y trataría de mejorar sus habilidades pedagógicas apartir de esto.

Rody realmente solo esta haciendo todo lo que puede y aun asi no se siente suficiente, aparte de que es probable de que vuelque toda esta culpa y malos sentimientos en Solheim (con una buena paliza).

eso si, no creo que ninguno de los dos deje que Karin/Klaus vayan a la escuela en un BUEEEEN tiempo, buena suerte con eso.

en general, ambos reaccionan de forma diferente, pero haran LO QUE SEA para sacar a Solheim de la foto y darle paz/cierre a los niños.

BONUS: MANON

¡definitivamente seria la que se entero primero!(ya sea estando con Rody o siendo niñera para Vince), tiene tanto la dulzura de Rody como los metodos cuestionables de Vince(hora de hacer que Rody oculte el cuerpo...)

Shares, reblogs and comments are very welcome!

[earthangelrage]

I’ve been wanting to paint this in the style of Tracey Emin for years and I finally drew it on my iPad on procreate. I can’t wait until I’m able to paint this on a canvas. This is about how I’ve only ever felt pretty while having my trauma re-enacted through rough and degrading sex with a partner who did not give a fuck about my well-being. I broke my own heart each time that I recreated my sexual abuse but I also laid it out on a silver platter for the predator to devour it as well. This was a partnered effort that made me feel at home during the act and torn with shame and self disgust afterwards. This piece is the visual representation of sex used as self harm. I know that many victims of csa/sa who have acted out in both sexual and self destructive ways because of what we suffered before. I make this art for many survivors who can relate but also for the survivors who have too much shame to speak out about it. The world has shunned us enough for something that was out of our control so please have compassion and grace towards yourself. Love, Grace <3

[writingmyheartsout]

Nobody's Soldier - a Bucky Barnes story.

(chapter 2)

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first of all i have to apologize for not updating all these past months, me head wasn't in the right headspace to do that as intrusive thoughts kept telling me this was bad.

second, i literally rewrote the whole chapter, because i wasn't feeling it anymore as I used to be, it's still very much angsty but I had the feeling I was going a lil too much OOC (but you'll tell me that if it still are)

third and last, imposter syndrome at its best...

i'm truly sorry for made you wait this long

_____________

This fic is also on wattpad and soon on Ao3

Nobody's Soldier playlist on Spotify

CW: talking about trauma, PTSD, nightmares, Bucky Barnes (he's a warning himself), trauma, unexpected feelings, obsession, anxiety, denial, mention of manipulation, slight mention of sa, crying, desperation, unhealthy attachment, limerence, fighting over unrequited feelings, reader has female pronous.

(chapter is 8k words more or less)

chapter 1 is here

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Ch. 2 - Popular monster

Bucky kept checking on his phone, expecting a text from you, an update, anything that would let him know you were ok. But the phone remained silent.

It took you a while to gather the will to leave your bed and eat something, but as soon as you stepped out of the bedroom and looked around the living room, you nearly cried again.

The tv sat there, broken and half torn apart, as a reminder that what happened was all too real.

Your first instinct was to go back to bed and cry until you passed out, but your brain thought otherwise as your body moved on its own. You began picking up random items all over the room and throwing them into large black garbage bags, tv included.

This behaviour wasn’t new or unexpected; you often reacted this way when you were nearing your breaking point, and right now, you were very close to it.

After spending part of the day and night back and forth from your apartment to the dumpster, you finally began to feel exhausted again, your mind finally empty.

But the moment your head hit the pillow, the screen of your phone lit up with a notification. 

It was Bucky

Bucky cursed at himself with every word he knew as thoughts slowly began to swirl inside his mind. The clock continued ticking, and the phone lay untouched on the table in front of him.

Should he message you? Would you even want him to? When exactly had he started to care? He pondered these questions as he picked it up once again, debating whether to send you something or not.

But before he could process it all, his fingers acted on their own, opening the chat and typing something, much to his dismay. 

-From Bucky: Hey... are you okay?

You probably stared at the preview of his text longer than you'd like to admit, resisting the urge to open it while still grappling with disbelief that he had actually done such a thing.

On the other hand, you didn't want to give him the wrong message, especially since you suspected he had feelings for you.

Yet, the growing sense of relief settling in the pit of your stomach was unmistakable, and you realized something so simple yet so terrifying.

You cared about him. A lot actually.

Bucky's heart raced in his chest as he stared at the chat, waiting for your response. He felt a wild range of emotions, going from a sense of guilt to utter shame.

Shame for not being able to control his growing feelings or for pushing you to the brink of an episode. Still, he couldn't shake the fact that deep down, he knew you were right. That he shouldn't feel this way...and yet, he did.

But all he needed at that moment was to know you were okay.

However, you didn't answer him. Sure, you were about to, more out of habit than anything else, but you were still very much in shock. The thought that the situation was utterly crazy wouldn’t leave your mind.

Nonetheless, you had to stop this, whatever this was, from spiralling into something you couldn't control.

You didn't sleep much after that. By the time you crawled back into bed, it was already early morning, so you decided to resume reading.

Maybe this would help to distract you for a while, you thought. But as soon as you went to pick up a book, memories flooded your mind.

You remembered that time when Bucky called you after a nightmare and how you helped him calm down by reading him your favourite story.

This whole situation felt like torture, and the strangest part was that you couldn't stop thinking about how, with just a simple hug, he had made you feel better than you had in years.

On the other hand, Bucky felt a sense of despair welling up in his chest when no answer came, as anxiety gnawed at him.

You were the one suffering the consequences, and he was the only one to blame. A frustrated huff escaped his lips as he ran his metal hand through his hair, then collapsed onto the couch with a loud groan.

Thoughts flooded his mind, too many to be healthy. In an act of desperation, he unlocked his phone again, texting you... again.

-From Bucky: Please... say something.

You eventually fell asleep, your reading glasses on and the book resting on your chest. When you woke up later that day, your phone screen was lit with yet another text.

...say something... the message read, simple as that, making you feel guilty for not responding earlier. You knew you didn't have to reply, but you couldn’t help but think that maybe you were exaggerating the whole situation. Perhaps it was just a slip-up and nothing more.

But another part of you, the rational side, kept reminding you that this was how everything had started.

The manipulation, the controlling habits, the abuse. It all started with someone developing feelings right when you were at your weakest.

You couldn't do this anymore, not when you had worked so hard to get to where you were now.

You chose not to answer again, confident that somehow he would get over it.

Bucky's mind raced as he stared at his phone, willing a reply to appear on the screen.

All he wanted, was some sort of sign, anything that let him know you were okay. That you weren't as mad at him, at least not completely. That you still felt comfortable enough to talk with him.

But when hours passed and you hadn't answered, his heart sank as more thoughts started to creep in.

The realization that he had lost you overwhelmed him, leaving him feeling numb.

His eyes started to prick with tears as he cursed himself for letting his emotions get the best of him. He couldn't wallow in despair, not over you, not over someone he barely knew.

But someone who seemed to understand him.

No, he couldn’t go there. He had to distract himself and focus on something else.

So, with a deep breath, he stood up and turned on the tv, trying to fill the silence of his apartment, which had become too loud for him in that moment

After that incident, nearly three weeks passed. You returned to your usual safe routine, but it felt like something was wrong, like something was clearly missing.

Then one morning, just after breakfast, your phone rang and Dr. Raynor's number appeared on the screen.

It was strange, she had never called you before. When you answered and she asked where Bucky was, you felt confused.

It turned out he had stopped showing up for his therapy sessions without saying a word. She had tried to reach out to him, but he didn't pick up.

He was alive, that much she knew, yet you could clearly hear the concern in her voice.

After you explained what had happened between the two of you, how he had come over and the incident that followed, she added something that left you stunned and altered the perception you had of him up to that point.

His whole history, the abuse, the manipulation, who he was and the... arm.

“The arm?” you curiously asked, not quite getting what she meant.

“He has a prosthetic arm, a vibranium one...” the doctor began to explain, her tone careful “...although it's not the same as the one he had, it's a harsh reminder of what happened to him and what he did.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mention this sooner, but it’s already complicated as it is,” she added.

At her words, the pieces started to fall into place. His behaviour, the way he addressed you, how he looked around the apartment as soon as he walked in and the… gloves he hadn’t taken off that day.

Another hour passed as Dr. Raynor continued to explain that Bucky still saw himself as some kind of monster, an experiment and how losing himself for so long had inevitably changed him. It only made sense that once the call was over, you texted him without thinking twice.

You were worried and maybe a little furious.

-to Bucky: your doctor called me. Why did you stop therapy? You know you have to go.

Then you quickly added a second one.

-to Bucky: she also gave me the whole story, your story I mean.

Bucky was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to get himself to relax enough to sleep. He had been feeling exceptionally crappy, for lack of a better word, having spent the whole night awake when his phone went off.

His mind was in a constant battle, and all he wanted was some peace and quiet. So when he lazily picked up his phone to check and saw your name, the first thing he felt was relief.  

However, as he eagerly sat up, he almost dropped the phone when he read your texts, his heart nearly stopping.

The doctor told you everything... Those words echoed in his head as his thoughts spiralled out of control.

He had been lying to you for the most part. He hadn't meant to keep things from you, but deep down, he knew you would see him differently from now on. You would look at him with pity, unable to see him as a person anymore, but rather as... a monster.

He desperately wanted to text you back, but he felt stuck, unsure of what to say or do.

So he just lay on his bed for the next half hour, his phone still clutched in his fingers as he tried to come up with something that wouldn’t push you away again.

All he needed was to see you, but he was terrified of how you would react now that you knew about his secret.

Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes stretched into hours as anxiety began to eat him alive, until he finally pressed send.

-from Bucky:..It’s complicated... can we talk tomorrow? I’ll come over.

You didn't expect a fast reply, hell you didn’t expect a reply at all.

So when he texted back after hours of leaving you on read, the content of his message startled you.

 ...I’ll come over... The words ran through your mind, almost triggering your panic as you tried to come up with a polite reply. 

You knew you had to start somewhere, but you felt torn.

You were caught between wanting to give him a chance to explain and the absolute fear that something worse might happen if you saw him again.

-to Bucky: we'll see about that..but you can call me, we can still talk…if you want.

You suggested instead, thinking it would be better for both of you, at least for now.

Bucky stared at your words for a long minute, a small smile grazed his lips while his heart did a weird flip in his chest.

You hadn’t said a definitive no to his request, you were still willing to talk to him. But those words, that we'll see about that lingered in his mind, giving him a glimmer of hope while leaving a bitter taste on his tongue.

As he fought the growing urge to call you right then and there, he decided to send a message first.

-from Bucky: I’ll call you in ten, alright?

He sent the text and hastily placed his phone on the bedside table, letting out a shaky breath.

If you agreed, there was a good chance he would get to hear your voice, something he hadn’t realized how he missed so much until now.

For a long moment, after his last reply, you stared at the short message almost as if it were some kind of riddle waiting to be solved. A smile crept onto your face at his eagerness without you even noticing it.

What the fuck were you doing? Why were you smiling? You chided yourself, shaking your head in confusion as you tried to suppress the knot forming in your stomach.

With ten more minutes until the phone call, you thought distracting yourself would be a good idea, more to calm your nerves than anything else.

Instead, Bucky's call came a few minutes early, and you didn’t pick up, your phone lay on the bed while you were in the next room.

Bucky had to resist the urge to call you again immediately after he sent the text.

His mind wouldn’t quiet down, racing with thoughts about a million things. About hearing your voice again, the possibility that maybe you weren't as mad at him as he thought, and how nervous he suddenly felt.

And the ten minutes felt like an eternity. 

He tried to keep himself busy and away from the phone, but as soon as the ten minutes were up, he found himself with his phone in hand, calling you... only to be sent to voicemail.

He was not panicking, absolutely not.

His thoughts immediately spiralled into worst-case scenarios. maybe you had changed your mind or maybe calling you was indeed a mistake.

But he tried to push those feelings aside, convincing himself that you were probably just busy.

And while those thoughts filled his mind, he found himself in the middle of his fourth time re-dialling your number. The ringing sound the only thing echoing in the room.

On the other hand, you had lost track of time while focusing on cleaning the apartment, a standard behaviour when you were unable to concentrate and something clearly upset you.

When you finally checked your phone, you nearly dropped it upon seeing five missed calls.

"Damn it Bucky, you wasted no time," you mumbled with a sigh.

That alone should have served as a warning sign, but you ignored it completely. Thinking nothing of it, you called him as you sat down on your bed, waiting for him to pick up.

Bucky was startled when his phone suddenly rang. His eyes fixed on the screen as your name appeared, causing his heart to leap into his throat and almost miss the call.

When he finally answered, a shuddering breath escaped his lips before he said anything.

"Hey," he said quietly, a nervous smile tugging at his lips while anxiety fluttered in the pit of his stomach, waiting for an answer… craving it even.

His soft exhale, the hushed hello and his gentle tone caught you off guard, making your cheeks blush slightly.

It had been long since you heard his voice you thought, still reluctant to admit you missed him…in a way. 

"Eager much..?" you joked, attempting to break the awkward silence between you and hide your distress.

"How are you?.." you added then, genuinely asking. It had been weeks since his last therapy session after all, and even though you both had a setback, you wanted to check on him, making sure he was okay.

Bucky chuckled lightly at your words, the small smile on his face widening slightly.

"Sorry for the multiple calls. You didn't answer so I was..." panicking the hell out. He almost confessed, then he cleared his throat and continued, not particularly keen on discussing how worried he had been up to that moment.

"M'fine, mostly. How have you been?"  he asked instead, quickly dismissing your question, trying to stay calm and hoping you wouldn't notice how strained his voice really was.

"You don't have to justify your worry, y'know?" you said honestly, understanding where his words were headed. Then he lied, probably out of habit.

"And…I know you're not, if you were, why did your doctor call me this morning?." you stated, your tone soft yet firm, not wanting him to feel at fault. 

Meanwhile, if you had to be completely honest, he didn't seem that dangerous. Maybe a little eager, but not a total red flag.

Bucky's breath hitched the moment you called him out, and he cursed himself for it.

Of course you’d noticed, he should have expected you to be more observant than most people.

"Right.." he said, running a hand through his hair, letting out a tired sigh as he did so.

"The good doctor called you, huh?” he asked ironically, unable to hold back a bitter remark. 

"C'mon she's not that bad" you playfully replied, still sitting on the bed as a light huff left your lips.

“She’s just worried…” you added, your tone gentle yet firm “...and to be honest, I am too”

Bucky let out a small chuckle as you teased him about his doctor, rolling his eyes even though you couldn't see him. But then you said more, catching him off guard.

Were you worried? Did that mean you probably cared? Right? 

He immediately shook that thought away, it wasn’t the right time, not now, though those words kept lingering in his head.

“You? Worried? About me?..” he asked, genuinely baffled by your comment as a slight frown crossed his face.

"Yeah, Bucky...y'know like a normal human being would.." you bit back, not really annoyed, at least not that much, as it wasn't entirely his fault...or so you thought.

"There is so much going on lately, like being affected by someone trying to help you?” you stated honestly, not wanting to scold him but rather hoping to settle things.

“Maybe we can talk about that? " 

From honest discussions to fights, you had learned not to shy away from confrontation anymore. It was something you picked up in therapy. Now, when a problem presented itself, you just went straight to the point, only to find out that most people couldn't handle a simple conversation.

Bucky's heart picked up once again when you hinted at his behaviour, and he honestly had no idea how to deal with it.

You really didn't hold back, did you, sweetheart? he thought, nervously running his metal fingers through his hair as he tried to come up with a decent answer.

Finally, he let out a weary exhale before speaking again.

"It's not that simple. But yeah, we can talk about it..." he said quietly, as the weight of shame settled back in.

After his answer, after sensing his evident reluctance, you couldn't help but feel a little guilty about your words. However, it was no use dwelling on it.

"No? Then talk to me. Believe it or not, I'm not mad at you" you urged him, your voice still gentle.

What you were trying to do was reassure him and help if possible, even if it meant confronting an uncomfortable truth.

“I've been there before, I know how it seems… " you added, showing him that you understood what he was going through. 

You? So you weren’t mad at him. Why? You should have been, it's what he deserved. 

Bucky was speechless for a moment longer as your words sank in. He had made you uncomfortable and pressured you, this was his fault.

His throat felt constricted, and he had to swallow once, then twice, before he could answer.

"Y'mean, someone... had feelings for you? In therapy?" he found himself asking instead, unnerved by the thought of someone becoming obsessed with you, knowing deep down he was doing the same.

You should have seen that coming, still, yet it still took you by surprise.

"It's.. it's one the reasons I'm still dealing with the program, Bucky..." you replied, your tone growing quiet.

You understood that, as your therapy partner or former one, he should have been informed about the situation. Still, it was hard to articulate.

"It was straight-up manipulation, as my doctor put it. This other person, he..well...he… he used me" you tried, but the words wouldn't come out. Staring into nothing, you felt too scared of another episode happening. Taking a deep breath, you steadied yourself as you felt panic building inside you.

"I honestly thought it was real, I thought it was love…” you added, your voice barely above a whisper by the end.

Bucky felt his heart sink the moment you began to explain. Those words were all too familiar, and they hurt him as guilt washed over him again. 

"I'm sorry for what happened to you...."  he only said, his jaw clenching as he spoke, yet his voice sounded almost gentle.

He wanted to say much more; he wanted to express how much he hated himself for nearly doing the same to you. But the words got stuck in his throat, leaving him feeling like a coward.

I'm sorry I did that to you, he thought, as guilt consumed his mind.

"You... you know I would never do anything like that to you, right?" he asked carefully, trying to change the subject while feeling nervous about a possible backlash.

At his words, you let out a light scoff, noticing how tense his voice had suddenly become.

"No shit, Buck..." you joked after a moment “.. I would hope so” you added quietly, shaking your head in disbelief, hoping it was true.

For Christ's sake, you even found him attractive, you thought, as a small smile tugged at your lips. 

"But I'm at fault too, I should have thought better than to hug you like I did, no matter how bad I was feeling..." you stated, genuinely believing it was your fault as well.

"It gives off the wrong idea...most of the time”

After everything that had happened, you blamed yourself? Thinking you caused all this? He thought, staring at the floor as he processed your words in his head, feeling even worse.

Good job, Bucky. Really great job. he chided himself silently.

"You... didn’t know where you were. You had a panic attack..." he said, hating the idea of you taking responsibility for something like that. He knew damn well you weren’t in control of your actions during an episode. He had been there before, more times than he could possibly count.

"I'm the one at fault... not you," he said firmly, remorse coursing through him with every word he spoke.

"Bucky...I.. " you started to say, feeling the need to try and justify yourself once more."... I was just grounding myself " you confessed, falling back onto the bed with a frustrated groan as you ran a hand over your face. 

"Still, I...I got you what? Obsessed? Addicted? Whatever this is..." you added, not really asking any actual questions but rather stating a fact."... surely something went wrong here”

Bucky’s thoughts momentarily halted as you spoke. 

"No!... no, no, no. You didn't do anything." He shot back, his voice laced with disbelief at how much you were taking the brunt of his mistakes.…"..you didn't ask me to feel this way, sweetheart. I did it myself, it’s on me.”

He hesitated, mentally scolding himself for letting that term slip out so easily. Yet, he felt compelled to make sure you understood that none of this was your fault, that you were innocent and he wasn't. You were simply trying to be kind, nothing more

"Do you really think you're responsible?” he honestly asked again.

"Well...yeah?..." you replied, your voice uncertain. That little name didn’t go unnoticed, leaving you taken aback as your cheeks dusted pink instinctively. "...I mean, my first therapy partner thought I led him so..." you added quietly.

And it was the truth. In the very early stages of the program, before Bucky was involved and before you were even paired with anyone, you met a lot of people.

Most of them complete idiots.

"It's one of the reasons why I flinch when someone suddenly touches me when I'm not myself.." you confessed, feeling a wave of shame rise within you. "...that's why I reach out and hold onto whatever I can find most of the time”

Bucky's heart tightened uncomfortably as you referred to the people you had met before him.

Led him on? Seriously? Why was your first partner such a jerk? Did he even have any issues? he thought, listening to your explanation.

Bucky felt horrible. He was already upset about his slight obsession and how he had made you uncomfortable, but now,  hearing you open up about your past and how others had treated you, he felt even worse.

He was no better than all of them.

"Then... why did you hug me?” he asked simply, letting out a deep sigh as his tone grew quieter, almost apologetic.

"Because you were there and felt safe..." you blurted out without much thinking, your gaze fixed on the ceiling.

“ And I... I was weak.." you added, feeling embarrassed to admit the truth as you tried to find a rational explanation for your behaviour.

But then, you remembered how terrified you had been right after when irrational fear took over.

Bucky's heart fluttered at that. Did you feel safe with him? Could he calm you down? You trusted him? The realization took him off guard as his brain processed the information.

He had to take another deep breath to steady his heartbeat while a small smile appeared on his face.

But then he remembered your reaction afterwards and that same smile faded, making him want to scream in frustration.

"I felt safe?..." he asked, more to himself than to you, almost as if he couldn’t believe it. But you were on the other end of the line and heard anyway…

"But you? You flinched away..” he added, trying to make sense out of your words.

"That's how irrational fears work usually.." you said bluntly, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Trusting you as a person? Yes absolutely, I could do that..." you tried to reassure him, hearing silence on the other end.

"But as a man? it's a little more complicated, to put it simply” you explained, trying to make it as clear as possible and leaving no space for misunderstanding.

If that meant you wouldn’t hear from Bucky anymore, so be it.

“I still don't know if you want something out of me..or not" you added quietly. 

But those words stung him more than he would like to admit, though he wasn’t surprised. No, he clearly understood your point; still, it hurt to hear you say that, even if he was the one at fault.

He ran a hand through his hair again and swallowed hard as you continued, feeling as though he was being accused.

You knew him well already, because your words hit the mark as you called him out once again. An irrational anger welled up inside him, and he swallowed hard. 

He didn’t want you to be scared of him, after all, he needed you. You were the only one, after so many years, who finally understood him and made him feel calm.

"Why would you even think I want anything from you?” he said, a slight edge creeping into his voice, his tone turning unexpectedly cold.

The change in tone genuinely frightened you. You hadn’t seen it coming.

"With the way you got so obsessed, so quickly...” you started, trying to keep yourself as calm as possible, relieved there was a phone between you both.

“Or... how you already sound pissed,  even after I’ve tried to reason with you..." you continued, sitting back up at the edge of the bed.

This whole situation started to scare you more than it should. You just wanted to live your life peacefully, nothing more, nothing less.

"I'm sorry Buck but...I don't.." you added, fear and guilt plaguing your mind at this point, wanting nothing more than to put an end to this conversation already. “...I don't think we should speak again, not until you work on these issues by yourself…”

Bucky felt like someone had stabbed him right in his chest with a rusted knife. All the guilt and shame he felt earlier were soon replaced by anger.

You? Wanted to stop talking? Cut all contact? What about him then? What would be of him without your soothing voice? he thought. He couldn’t do that, not now, not ever.

"We're not doing that.” he snapped. The very thought of never hearing your voice again, not talking to you, triggered something deep inside him.  His heart was racing in his chest as he spoke through clenched teeth.

When he spoke again, his tone had grown slightly more threatening, and that's when you reacted. Although calm and collected most of the time, there were times, usually when someone crossed a line or something felt off, that another side of you came out.

"You don’t realize it, do you? Even now? You’re so desperate to be accepted that you can’t see how you're behaving?..." you said, your voice raising a little as your tone sharpened.

"Can’t you see how your little addiction is clouding your mind? It’s really a simple concept to understand..." you continued, frustration edging into your voice.

"Having feelings for someone doesn't mean forcing that obsession on them. And here I thought you were smart, but clearly, I was wrong.”

Bucky was taken aback by your sudden outburst. You spoke with passion and determination, far from the calm and gentle demeanour you usually showed him, and your words stung.

However, they also made a few pieces click into place. You were right, you had been from the very beginning. 

But that realization only infuriated him even more.

"How dare you judge me? You're no better than I am.” he retorted, his voice rising with each word that left his mouth, still reeling from a mix of anger and blame.

"You have irrational fears and trauma just like I do. Don't you dare pretend that I'm the bad guy here."

Deep down, he knew he was taking out his anger on you, even though you didn't deserve it. But it felt like he couldn't stop, his mind tangled in a haze of angry thoughts. Above all, he was terrified of losing you.

You might have laughed when he snapped back, if the situation hadn't been so tense and if you weren't feeling so scared. But that didn't mean you had nothing to say in return. After all, it wasn’t the first time someone had used your situation to hurt you.

"Really? I’m judging you now? " you repeated in disbelief, scoffing slightly as you didn’t quite believe what you just heard.

"I never said I was better than anyone, not even you. I know my problems, but at least I can manage my own feelings.." you added, not even bothering to defend yourself against his accusations.

"So how dare you speak to me like that …”

Your words only turned his anger into desperation, and Bucky stopped making sense. You were taunting him, teasing him, mocking him even and he knew It was only his fault. Unfortunately, even if he understood, that realization did nothing to ease his feelings in that moment.

"You really have no idea how you affect me? How you make me feel?" he spat out, guilt overwhelming him along with hurt.

"Why do you think I became obsessed in the first place, huh?” he added, taking a deep breath and trying to calm his racing mind, his body tense with emotions.

"And now you're telling me you don’t want to speak with me anymore? Just banishing me like that, without a second thought?"

He could attend all the therapy sessions possible, and it wouldn’t change a damn thing. How you made him feel, how you made him laugh, smile, and long for more.

And that was the one truth that terrified him the most.

"You really think I can stay away from you?" he suddenly asked, his voice both distressed and unsteady, almost on the verge of tears.

The pain in his last words made you pause for a moment as remorse began to creep in.

Was he truly hurting that bad? Did he really not do it on purpose?

"Then tell me.." you started, your tone softening as you sought a way out of this pointless fight. 

"If I have no clue as you said, talk to me…… let me understand,” you added, trying once again to reason with him, hoping it would be the last time.

But even now, your first instinct was to distance yourself from him as much as possible. You thought you understood, but you were still very much afraid, unable to shake the feeling that this situation would only worsen.

Bucky felt his jaw clench as you asked him why. He didn’t know how to answer, his mind was working against him, and the right words eluded him.

He knew he was going too far, but it felt impossible to stop. The prospect of rejection and blame weighed heavily on him.

"What about…” he started “...what about the fact that just hearing your voice drives me crazy? That, the more I talk to you, the more I want you? ” he confessed, his voice quiet yet edged with emotions as his heart ached.

“I'm… I’m obsessed with you, happy now?”

He was obsessed, and he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t change the fact that he was feeling something he hadn’t felt in years. And if this was what obsession felt like, then so be it.

"The problem is wanting to control me, Bucky..." you retorted “...the problem is shoving all your sudden feelings onto me”

“The problem is making me feel guilty" you went on, your voice growing serious, sounding angrier than you intended.

At that you stood up, nervously pacing up and down the room, your jaw clenching as you tried to keep the anger down.

"I should be yours no matter what, that’s what you’re saying? Just because you are hooked on my voice?" you bit back, almost as if you were accusing him, stopping in your tracks as a frustrated sigh left your mouth.

Bucky hated the way you described his feelings. But the more you talked the more he realized, for real this time, how he was acting. How he let his desperation, his fears control him as soon as you said you didn’t want to speak with him anymore, that you wanted to stay away.

You were being reasonable, he was the one who started acting crazy.

"I wasn't trying to control your actions, doll. I just..." he only said then, stopping only to better collect his thoughts as the little nickname slipped out his lips without realizing it.

"I need you. You have no idea how calming you are for me, how I find myself craving to hear your voice..." he continued, speaking in a low frustrated tone, his anger now mingled with his inner desperation as he felt his eyes starting to sting.

"You're the first person that understands, how do you expect me to stop needing you?”

"This is not the right way to do it, clearly.." you replied, still slightly pissed at his stubbornness, but noticing how he was starting to calm down. 

"The thing is, emotions are never wrong, you just learn to manage them..." you went on while now pacing back and forth in the living room. 

Still, you felt stressed, on edge even as the whole discussion brought up some unresolved issues that you completely forgot about. You could only hope that it wouldn’t bring up a panic attack as well. 

"When you have feelings for anyone, or supposed to have..." you started, mostly annoyed now "..you don't need them, to the point of feeling sick"

Then you stopped for a moment, sighing heavily and closing your eyes, your fingers went to pinch at the bridge of your nose as you tried to think about what you were about to say.

"Jesus, I can't believe I'm explaining this.." you huffed then, calming down your nerves.

"When you feel something, you want to spend more time with them” you then started explaining, hoping it would break down into his stubbornness. 

”Needing someone is a coping mechanism.." as your voice wavered a little “...you know what a coping mechanism is, right? " 

Bucky clenched his jaw even more when you spoke. He did, in fact, know what a coping mechanism was. 

He also knew that you were absolutely right with what you were saying.

His obsession, was a coping mechanism, an unhealthy one. He had gotten obsessed with you because you were the first person that made him feel something good, so he latched onto it, not wanting to let go. 

He felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

"I know what a coping mechanism is..." he muttered through gritted teeth.

"But I didn’t do it on purpose. I just couldn’t help it. You make me feel calm, you make me forget about everything. You make me want to try again."

Now the hint of anger, the bite he had in his tone had disappeared almost completely, replaced with pure panic.

"How am I supposed to deal with that, huh? You feel so so good to me.”

Hearing the change in Bucky's voice made you stop suddenly as your heart clenched at the fear now evident in his tone. You felt bad with the way you were speaking to him but at the same time you didn't, given the fact that, maybe, you were able to knock some sense into him.  

"That's why I.." you started, voice now more gentle than before "... I told you we should be apart for a while"

It wasn't ideal, not even for you since you were at fault too here. With the way you acted when you hugged him or with how dangerously comfortable you were getting with him.

Feeling so calm and safe with someone you barely know shouldn't be happening. You reminded yourself more than once.

"If I'm the trigger here, you should understand how much of your feelings are real and..." you stopped for a fraction, realization dawning on you as well.."...and how much is just an unhealthy obsession.."

If you were just a means to an end in this absurd scenario, just something to help him cope with, then you don't want to be. You wanted to be seen, for yourself, as a person.

Bucky's heart was beating faster in his chest, your words, your reasoning filled his mind and he found himself agreeing with that. Still, despair and guilt filled his heart as the sole thought of not hearing from you anymore felt so wrong to him.

"You're not a trigger..." he protested, weakly so as his voice wavered slightly.

But you were once more right. What he was feeling towards you wasn't normal, wasn't right. He was obsessed with you because you made him feel calm at a time when he was at his lowest.

"I want you..." he mumbled, his voice lacking the greedy, possessive edge he had before.

"I don't want to lose you…please” he pleaded with you, desperate to make you agree to stay, at least, in touch.

"I'll do anything. I'll work on myself, find a way to deal with this obsession." he insisted, absolutely hating using that word, even if it was the truth.

"Please, don't cut me off. I'll lose my mind if you do.”

You exhaled deeply, moving to sit on the couch and taking the phone with you. He was doing it again, begging you. But again, it was just the addiction talking.

"Then what, Bucky?.." you asked then, after a long moment, exhaling deeply as you closed your eyes..."... every time you need a fix, you call me?.." 

You know you didn't have to be so harsh right now, but you truly wanted him to realize how deep he was in this and how bad it was affecting him.  

"It's the addiction talking here.." you added as another deep sigh left your lips...

"You're not even asking yourself if I feel something for you..." you stated as your stomach churned the more the anxiety grew…

"You only see what I can do for you..."

Guess you weren't that lucky. But with the history you had, that didn’t surprise you much. Maybe it was really your fault. Maybe you really led them on. Maybe they got obsessed because you did something.

You really don’t know, but everytime you tried your best and this time you truly believed he could have been the right therapy partner for you.

That was a low blow, but Bucky knew you were right.

He really hadn’t even thought about the possibility that you might not feel something for him, that he was hurting you by acting like this.

He had been selfish… no, he had been damn greedy. He was using you as his own personal drug, his only way to feel better.

He wanted to protest, to fight back, but he couldn’t.

"That’s not true..." he muttered, his voice even more laced with guilt and desperation now.

He wanted to tell you that he actually cared for you, that it wasn’t just about what you could do for him. He wanted to tell you that he saw you as a person, not just as a way to feel less alone but he couldn’t.

Because he had been treating you like an object, like a goddamn cure for his loneliness, he was using you exactly like others did. 

And the worst thing was that, deep down, he knew what that felt like and that made him feel even more horrible.

"I thought I was doing the right thing..." He protested weakly, still trying to convince you, still trying to bargain his place in your life.

"I'm not..." you started, stopping mid-sentence soon after to recollect your thoughts, trying to find the right words.

But his words, his final candid confession, his regret, all this made your heart ache, probably more than you could have imagined. But, at least, he finally saw the whole picture.

"I'm not blocking you Bucky, that I can do but you need to go back to therapy.." you stated, a slight tremble in your voice betraying how you really felt as you were questioning yourself if it was the right thing to do.

"Go back to your doctor, talk with her about everything but not for me or anyone else..." you added, your voice now gentle.

"Do it for yourself, to feel better..."

Hoping that your final advice would suffice, that your words would be heard once and for all, and that he would finally try to understand why he was acting like this.

Bucky remained silent for a long minute as he listened to you. Deep down, he knew you were right about everything, realizing he had been selfish and obsessive without a valid reason, treating you poorly and being a terrible therapy partner.

And the thought that you might despise him for it hurt his heart the most.

"I will, I promise." He answered finally, taking a deep breath as his voice was still shaky and broken.

"But, what about you?" He dared to ask after another minute of silence, still the idea of letting you go tearing his heart apart.

"What about me, what?.." you chuckled softly, caught off guard by the sudden question.

You were aware he just wanted you to keep talking to him, that he just wanted to have your voice in his ear. Maybe there was a small part of him that cared about you, about what you would do without him around but still.

He was a goddam addict right now, acting desperately like one.

"I'll just keep with mine I guess.." you said honestly, sighing heavily as your voice went soft. The whole so-called fight had drained you, making you even more tired than you already were.

"Still, i don't know what I'll do with the program though, for now at least"

To be fair, you weren't sure what you were going to do next. If you would find another partner or quit the program altogether. But saying it out loud, voicing the inner thoughts inside your head, definitely helped making a decision.

"Uhm listen, Bucky..I...I have to go.." you suddenly said then, trying to find a way to close the call without hurting him further. 

"But as I said, you still have my number, just...if you message me I can't assure you a reply, ok?" you added, reassuring him still even if your brain reminded you how stupid this decision was.

The words struck him harder than any bullet could have. He felt the jolt of panic, wanting desperately to keep you on the phone, feeling his eyes welling up. No, he knew he couldn’t explode with everything he was feeling or he’d lose you forever.

He knew he needed your voice in his ear, needed to hear you talk to him, needed you like air to breathe. 

But his hand was shaking as he held the phone to his ear, struggling to stop himself from begging. He swallowed, realizing he’d been silent while you assured him you wouldn’t block his number even if you won’t text him back. 

That gave him the tiniest reassurance, but the doubt nagged at him almost instantly. Would you stick to your word? What if you didn’t? Panic lapped at his heels again and he clenched his jaw, forcing his words down.

"I understand." He whispered, his voice low and uncertain.

Don't beg, don't beg, don’t beg...Bucky repeated to himself as he felt a familiar sense of obsession creeping back in.

He had to fight it, he had to stop this before it consumed him completely. After all, he had promised to return to his therapist, to try and deal with this issue, to begin feeling better.

After that heartfelt call, he reached out to you the very same night. However, as you mentioned, you chose to ignore it, not wanting to give him a false sense of hope or start another discussion so soon.

A week went by, and then his doctor called you again, asking for your side of the story. At that, you recounted everything that had happened, sharing every detail you could remember of without placing the blame on him, convinced it wasn’t entirely his fault. 

And what she told you helped you understand the situation better. She explained that Bucky had an episode of limerence, a state characterized by an intense infatuation that bordered on obsession most of the time, and that it was dangerous for the current state of his mind.

She also advised you to maintain some distance for the time being, a decision you had already considered, since she wanted to break through the patterns deeply rooted in his mind.

"James' not a bad man, it's just that people had shown him very little kindness for a long time," she added. She suggested that while some of his feelings might be genuine, she wasn’t entirely sure, encouraging you to act according to your feelings when you heard from him again. 

“Just be honest with him, for both your sakes,” she concluded before ending the call with another thoughtful piece of advice.

After that conversation, you felt a sense of relief, to be honest, as much as an unexpected happiness.

Why were you even happy? 

Why were you so relieved that his feelings could be real? 

Did you actually have feelings for him?

Regardless, you followed her advice, until more than two months later when you finally heard from Bucky again.

It had been a long, hard two months for Bucky.

His therapy sessions focused on helping him work through his feelings and analyze his behaviors. He realized he had become obsessed with you, but it took him a while to understand the root of that obsession.

After much reflection, he discovered that his desire for you stemmed from a deep need for connection. Unlike many others, you had seen him not as an asset or a monster, but for who he truly was. This realization helped him make significant progress.

It was tough for him to go without talking to you, as his thoughts continually returned to the conversation you shared and your words.

However, he was working hard to manage his feelings, control himself, and learn to understand the difference between obsession and genuine emotions.

Finally, when his therapist gave him the green light to reach out to you, he didn’t hesitate. With a somewhat clearer mind, he picked up his phone, his hands shaking. After what felt like an eternity, he sent you a message.

-from Bucky: Can I call you?

_____________

If you're here so you read it all, and for that I thank you (let me know what you think about it)

Again, i'm sorry for the wait, i want to promise you all I'll do better next time, and I want to keep it that way, I just hope my brain won't fail me again.

Also, there will be a bonus chapter later next week, it's something I wrote as literally a...bonus...so you're free to read it or not, it doesn't change the story <3

[dying-weeds]

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