#Something something my autism is fighting against my ADHD?

[walkingstackofbooks]

Why does everything a character does take so long?

ALL I need Julian to do is have this one conversation with his friends and then bam, done, he can sleep and rest and his story can be finished

But noooo. Of course I can't just write this conversation, it needs build-up or something to get there *sigh*. Apparently it's not the vibe to just launch into "And then Julian was emotionally vulnerable and explained his feelings to everyone, The End."

Don't get me wrong, I do love finding my way through the dot-to-dot of what happens first and second and so on to make the conversation feel real and earnt when I eventually get there... But now that I'm so close to the end I just want to write it. I've been thinking "today I'll get to that part" for aaaaages. Just feeling a bit like the infinitesimal tortoise right now 😅

[katsy-kitty]

I live in constant fear of being annoying af

[fellthemarvelous]

Deny. Defend. Depose.

It is clear to those of us that live in America, the only people we truly have on our side are ourselves. The ruling class has made it clear we don't matter to them.

Luigi Mangione was arrested and happened to have every single piece of evidence on him that law enforcement was looking for, including the parts for the ghost gun, inside his backpack (that he also got rid of in Central Park containing the Monopoly money???). Either he was trying to get caught or that evidence was planted. And when he was being forcefully pushed into the jail, he hollered back to the press about "injustice" and "being an insult to the intelligence of American citizens and our lived experiences."

The people have now turned against corporate America and the CEOs and billionaires are fucking terrified. Nothing the news stations are saying to us are changing our minds. The American people have finally united over this issue and there is no going back for us. Whoever did kill Brian Thompson (and theories abound on the game The Adjuster is playing because no one plays Monopoly alone) exposed the very real divide that exists between every day citizens and the extremely wealthy. Things were easier for them to control when they were able to divide us, but now that we are aware of how uncertain our future is in America and seeing just how little we matter to the people who take our money, we have realized that we have more in common with each other than the people who control every aspect of our lives. We are waking up.

There isn't one person in this country who hasn't been a victim to the predatory scam that is private health insurance. Medical debt is the leading cause of bankruptcy in America, and many of us are one ambulance ride or hospital stay away from homelessness. We all know people who have died because the insurance company denied them the treatment they needed or waited until it was too late for an approval of a medical claim to matter anymore.

Recently, I decided to be tested for autism and ADHD. Not life-threatening or anything, but my life is still in shambles and I want to know if I'm going untreated for something else. Before being tested though, I was informed that the insurance company (Aetna) has said that they were going to cover the full cost of the testing I was having (which was six hours of testing by the way). She even made sure several times that they were, in fact, going to cover it in full and they said yes.

The same day that Brian Thompson, CEO of another horrible healthcare company, was murdered in broad daylight, I received a call from that doctor's office with the woman telling me that Aetna was now telling her they never agreed to cover my testing and that they are going to bill me for $1600 (where the hell am I supposed to get that?) and she is fighting them, but considering our lives don't matter to the people who tell us what healthcare we are and are not allowed to receive, I don't think they will feel compelled to change their minds because they are bloodsucking parasites who only care about lining their pockets while I don't even have $6 lying around, let alone $1600!!

Corporate America leeches off our taxes. They take and take and take and we see nothing in return. They raise prices on insurance coverage and then deny us the very coverage that we pay for. They poison our food, price gouge our poisoned food, and then force us to pay for the treatment we get when the food makes us sick. Corporate America profits off of our hard work, our taxes, our health, our lives, our deaths.

I don't know if this will reach a larger audience or not, but I wanted to talk about it on Tumblr because this platform seems to be a crossroads for every type of creative soul. I initially brought up this idea on TikTok earlier, but I want to see if it can get traction in other places as well since I have fewer than 3,000 followers on TikTok (and I have seen a small few express interest in my idea in the hours since I posted the video.)

We're busy being lectured by politicians and the news media because while they are clutching their pearls at what happened to Brian Thompson, the rest of us do not give one single flying fuck about what happened to him. As CEO of a for-profit health insurance company, he signed off on denied claims and death for those of us who struggle to make it from one day to the next. The sicker you are, the poorer you are, the more they force you to struggle and pay. The love to deny coverage because regardless of whether we live or die, they already have the money we are forced to pay them.

I don't condone murder at all, but I also don't care that he was murdered because he was guilty of murdering so many more people in this country through legal means because it's profitable. The CEOs are scared and there are wanted posters with their names and faces popping up in places. Every CEO of every healthcare company is guilty of murdering Americans and they continue to go unpunished for it because "it's just business".

So (if you've read this far) all of this previous rambling is to say that I keep thinking about how I want to make an impression. I want to continue upsetting the billionaires and the CEOs because corporate America is full of murderers who are legally allowed to decide whether we live or die based on which outcome will give them more money.

I have thought about the idea of creating a wall/constructing a wall somewhere as an art piece or something (making a statement) that will somehow honor the memory of people who died because insurance denied them care.

I know I definitely want it to say something along the lines of "In memory of those murdered by for-profit healthcare systems in corporate America". Something blatant. Loud. Something they are forced to look at every single day. Somehow. The wall could have images of those who are gone, or names of the person who died with the name of the insurance company responsible for their death underneath. Just something to make it clear that we see them for what they are. Something to avenge those who were sacrificed so billionaires and CEOS and shareholders could brag about record profits. Something that shows the whole world that American citizens are waking up to who the real monsters are.

The Adjuster (whoever he is or is not) has fanned the flames of revolution in America. He managed to unite us in a way I can't even recall before. It's not over. We know what happened to Brian Thompson was just the beginning, and corporate America only just now realized how much we actually hate them. A single shooter has sparked an awakening in America that is starting to snowball into something much bigger.

So if there is anyone out there who might be interested in collaborating on something like this, please let me know. I know we are all tired and demoralized and we have no money. I want to make a statement though, and I love doing that through art or writing. Collaborating with other people who have been through this same shit will also probably help us unite even more.

This is a watershed moment in American history.

In the words of Kanan Jarrus, Jedi Knight,

"There is a future for us. One where we're all free. But it's up to us to make it happen."

[shirefantasies]

Congrats on 100 followers!!

What are some of your lotr headcanons?

Thank you so much 🥳 Ooooooh good question 👀 lessee *cracks knuckles* I’m going to do some regular one & some romantic ones, enjoy 😘

Some of my LoTR Headcanons!

*General*

✧ Aragorn may have worn Boromir’s bracers, but he also kept a drawing he found in his pocket. Turns out Faramir had drawn it one day when they were boys and his older brother held onto it until the end of his days.

✧ Legolas is so soft around little ones. He tries to act all like a wise guide but devolves into letting them climb him and carrying them up to rooftops for starlight stories. Doesn’t even care if they grab his hair or his ears, he’s still smiling so gently at them.

✧ Pippin is what would be called in modern days neurodivergent, more specifically with autism and ADHD. His parents and Merry were the most understanding ones, the ones who knew what he needed to hear and how he would process it best when others didn’t always understand.

✧ Legolas and Aragorn had the habit of singing together at fireside, quiet elvish songs, until one evening Gimli decided to put a stop to it with a dwarvish drinking song. In the end, the others find it so funny they learn it and join in, all three of them leaving their troubles for one night of song.

✧ Lord Elrond? Elrond of Rivendell??? Makes the best cup of tea in Middle Earth, fight me.

✧ Faramir teaches Pippin his favorite childhood game, probably something akin to chess, not really expecting the hobbit to enjoy it but Pippin ends up beating him out of sheer luck

✧ Frodo, Aragorn, and Legolas could have totally talked some shit in Elvish to each other and I firmly believe they did

✧ Arwen thinks of Lindir as a friend, but he’s so formal that in his mind such a lady could never see him so casually, leading to comical differences in the way they address each other

✧ Pippin wants a shit ton of kids some day. Sam is happy with around three, Merry wants a boy and a girl, Frodo isn’t sure he even wants children at all, but Pippin? He’s down for five to ten no problem, and he will be best friends with every single one.

✧ Eowyn teaches Faramir a bunch of horse riding tricks and he falls in love with riding as a sport, smiling as he takes in an act he only performed in war during a moment of pure joy and prosperity.

*Romance*

✧ Merry and Pippin are both such passionate kissers. OMG you will be breathless

✧ Elrond is the gentlest lover, handling his partner so carefully as if they were like gorgeous blown-glass in his hands and could break.

✧ Boromir is the type to grab his partner’s booty when they’re kissing in private

✧ Frodo’s ideal partner is not the smartest person or the most well-read, but someone with lighter spirits than his, someone who can never fail to bring a smile to his face and a laugh out of him.

✧ Faramir absolutely adores surprising you with flowers, so get ready to find them everywhere.

✧ Legolas is incredibly shy, inexperienced, and unsure with romance, so he prefers you to lead so that he can respond in kind, learning and studying with each touch, each act. He discovers his favorite thing is tracing a hand up and down your spine as you embrace.

✧ Gimli likes to act so rough and tough for someone who, in modern terms, would be called a massive simp, practically rolling out a red carpet for his partner and worshipping the ground they walk on, kissing them almost reverently unless the mood shifted deeper.

✧ Eomer is so good at giving massages, his partner will feel like royalty whenever he helps them relax

✧ He doesn’t look it, but Sam 100% would be the type to hold you up against a wall as he kisses you

✧ Aragorn enjoys being little spoon quite frequently. Fight me.

[hyperfixatedbean]

Why I think Eddie Diaz is autistic !

(As an autistic individual)

- Struggle with emotional expression:

He often struggles to express emotions, particularly in his relationship with women, (look at the way he acted with Sharon, Ana and Marisol, never communicating clearly, or doing it VERY straightforwardly (-> “you should go”)

He struggle with articulating his feelings, to name his emotions and process them (seemingly alexithymia) and he close off a lot, even with his therapist !

- Literal Thinking:

He tend to interpret language literally, (interactions with his colleagues and fast problem-solving, keeping a cool head under very stressful situations, the way he react to jokes, the way he doesn’t believe and ‘judge’ the way they fear superstitions, only believing what he can prove)

It seems to me like he experiences challenges with understanding figurative language or sarcasm and only believe what is proven, he’s very closed off about the idea of superstition which can be seen in some autistic people who struggle with theses concept

And he can be really straightforward (see the “you should go home Ana” or the “last time he wore that was at his mom’s funeral”) -> stating facts straightforwardly without processing it first and without realizing how stating it like that can be ‘awkward’ to others

- Meltdowns and Coping Mechanisms:

He experiences moments of intense frustration and resorts to unhealthy coping mechanisms (-> fights and destroying his room, hurting himself and other in the process (as in a lot of autistic meltdown and the way a lot of us turn to violent coping mechanisms to fight against sensory overload and the complexity of understanding our own emotions -> resorting to violence)

He parallels experiences of sensory overload and regulation, also his panic attacks and the way he avoid addressing his trauma and feelings by brushing it off and ignoring his own mental health, struggling to understand his own feelings about what he’s experiencing

- Difficulty with Trauma and Normalcy:

His reluctance to address trauma and persistent efforts to appear "normal."

It reflects challenges faced by autistic ppl in processing traumatic experiences and blending in with neurotypical society (force conformism and such)

There’s something about the way he and his father approach emotions, keeping it hidden and close off, that resonates a lot with my own experiences as someone autistic raised by someone who’s (probably) autistic too ‼️

+ the way he quickly connect with Buck exemplifies the ‘neurodivergent link’ : ADHD and autism solidarity is a reality ! Neurodivergent people tend to feel more secure, comfortable and friendly with other neurodivergent individuals!!

He basically just give such a autistic energy, like- I really connect with his struggle and the way he interact with the world around him, but please tell me what YOU think 🫶‼️

To have a better view of this part of him we would need more of his pov, sadly we rarely get it so I’m basing this of what I remember, what I personally see in him, what I connected with :’D

(Keep in mind that I probably projecting and it’s just an headcanon, not hate please <3 constructive criticism is welcome tho !!)

Credits it to @thisonemaniac that helped me make this post :D !! We talked about it a bit, I highlighted in orange what he remind me off ‼️

(Since you asked me about it you might want to read this :D !! I explained it better I think xD @lesbianphoebespengler )

[ranbling]

Reasons why I think Eddie is on the autism spectrum:

- Vibes, I am autistic and I've picked up vibes from him

- He has 2 coping mechanisms (pre-therapy): fight club and complete breakdown and both of these things scream I don't know my emotions or how to deal with them

- He joined the military to provide for his family, but also the army provides the great deal of structure and routine (especially during training) which he must've been craving after the whole my girlfriend got pregnant thing

- he and Buck hit it off almost inmediately (well... except for that first shift) which is just autism��ADHD friendship in its finest

- he has a pretty solid moral code and stands by them even if they work against him

- the fact he still looks for the picture perfect family- he probably accepted it as a rule during his childhood and still thinks its something he should follow

- the panick attacks! He's always calm on the surface and nobody would suspect he's anxious or anything, but then he gets panick attacks which just bring everything to the surface

- repression, not knowing how to deal with your feelings and putting them away until they explode is just a sign

Thats all for now, feel free to add to it

[sugar-omi]

not the argument in the talks moment 😭😭😭 ever since i accidentally stumbled on that it has not left me, i constantly worry about how i am perceived and i do not take any kind of rejection well, even if it actually isnt one and is just a perceived rejection (autism, adhd, anxiety, and depression go brrrrr) so when i had my mc speak up about how they shouldnt tell terri that miranda confided in them since they didnt have her okay to do so and he just "Then why don't you just not say anything!? Because everything you say just makes everything worse!" fcuking broke me and i would imagine that my mc would not be able to get over it as easily as it is in game,,,, that sort of thing would probably make me/my mc completely shut down, inability to speak, only hyperventilate and cry, just completely shut down 🥲 and even when making up, i tend to internalize that sort of stuff, it stays with me against my will sfdlkj so i can just imagine mc either blurting out mid argument or when venting to cove and feeling badly about themselves something like "All I ever say just makes everything worse!" basically kind of quoting cove and i just aaaaaa ow ouchie,,,,, - 🕐 (hi idk if you remember me, its been a million years, but ive just been lurking, i hope youre doing well! 💕)

OMG MY FAV ANON HIIII🤭🤭 im gooddd tysm, I hope you're doing well🫶

but yeah omg same!!! I cant believe i forgot that line. I hate it sm omfg that was crazy n yeahh same, I literally internalize like almost everything. depending on who it comes from, I will 100% internalize it.

literally i. I'm very petty n vindictive, honestly that fight would've lasted days because I would've ignored him n been like "oh so now you want me to talk? what happened to my every word making it worse, huh?"

LIKE HE COULD NOT DO THAT TO ME. IM TOO READY TO GO NUCLEAR IF MY RELATIONSHIPS GO TO SHIT. IM TOO READY FOR ABANDONMENT LOL N LIKE MY ANGER ISSUES COULD NEVER???

so serious when I said id even break up over that. because now I'm scared that's what you're thinking any time we disagree or even are just having a "good" day. like my perception of myself, n how others perceive me is already bad. n it tok yearsss to stop thinking my friends were chatting shit behind my back. that should would send me back on a spiral

n I so get you, I would shut down and start crying too. like I'd get angry first, n kick him out. but I will start crying eventually, if not mid fight. just depends on what headspace I'm already in yknow

[daughter-of-sapph0]

The people arguing that "oh it's just a silly word don't be so mad" reminds me of the comic "Trigger Warning: Breakfast" and how even the simplest word can hold memories of trauma for someone else.

not to be too personal, but you're absolutely right. my experience isn't the same as everyone else, but I've specifically grown up and dealt with a shit ton of trauma.

I was raised and treated as a boy up until high school. but never one of "the boys". I was always an outcast. as young as first grade, I remember even the teacher saw me as something other than a boy. she said "they boys in this class are way too loud" and when I said I wasn't talking, she said "oh not you, I was referring to the Boys". the few friends I had treated me differently than the other boys at school. I was constantly told I wasn't allowed to enjoy something or participate in an activity because it wasn't for me. I was excluded by boys and girls my age.

I was called a faggot in 2nd grade. at that time I didn't even know what being gay was. it certainly wasn't talked about the same as it is today, and definitely wasn't mentioned to 8 year olds. but I remember it, as clear as day. Marcus called me a faggot because I committed the unforgivable homosexual crime of wearing velcro shoes. I didn't even know it was supposed to be bad at first. when I told a teacher "Marcus said my shoes make me a faggot. what does that mean?" they wouldn't tell me, and instead said I should learn to tie my laces.

I went to a small catholic middle school. there were 18 kids in the entirety of 6th grade. I don't know why or how, but most of them found some aspect of my personality to hate and use against me. "you like Nintendo games? you draw anime? you play with Legos? you don't like basketball? you answered a question in class too quickly? you've never had a girlfriend? your uniform is a handmedown? well then you're just a faggot. a downey (a nickname they had for people with down syndrome). a pussyboy. a cocksucker. a retard. an n word (I was white, and so was everyone else in my grade, so this one made the least sense).

I told my dad that I was being bullied because I didn't play basketball. instead of defending me, calling the school, teaching me strategies to deal with bullying, or even just showing an ounce of support... he taught me how to fight and forced me to sign up for basketball. I played basketball for all three years of middle school. jv in 6th grade, varsity in 7 and 8th. I sucked. I scored maybe 20 points in all my games throughout the entirety of three years. I was the shortest player, not athletic at all, had terrible hand-eye coordination, and just outright sucked. I wanted to quit every single day. I skipped going to practice and hid in the bathroom. I never felt like I was part of the team. they always excluded me. the coach gave me about five minutes of game time out of pity, only at the end of a game and only if we were losing terribly. every other time I was on the bench the entire game. not that I cared. I'd rather not play at all.

I got a girlfriend in 7th grade mainly out of peer pressure. there was a girl I liked in the 6th grade, who I'm just gonna call P for privacy reasons. me and P were really close friends. we liked the same video games and youtubers and shows and music and art. she was super creative and funny. although neither of us knew why, she was bullied as much as I was. looking back, we both had severe undiagnosed autism and adhd. I never really liked her romantically though. I thought she was nice and really wanted to hang out with her and I even kissed her a couple times. but I really wasn't interested in women at the time. when I told her, we had a huge break up that summer, they told everyone I cheated on them, and we didn't talk at all for most of my 8th grade. eventually we got back together, and were friends in high school. it seems really mean to say that the only reason I dated her was to stop people from calling me gay. but it was part of the reason why I did date her.

I was in chorus in middle school. I was a pretty good singer and had a nice range. I was always bullied because of it, but I didn't care. chorus met every month at one of the catholic high schools. it was a big meeting of people from all the catholic schools in the county. and at the end of the year there was a big performance. it was the one thing about catholic school I actually honestly enjoyed.

there was one kid who was probably the biggest bully. Jacob was the only person shorter than me, and was probably bullied just as bad as I was when he was back in 5th grade before I arrived. and he took out all his anger on me. constantly picking on me, punching me, slapping me. he used to sit behind me on the bus and poke my head. I tried to move seats and change busses. but nothing worked. one day, I was fed up. I used my father's advice and slapped him in the face. not hard, but enough to say "stop fucking with me".

Jacob ran home crying. he told his parents, and his parents called the school, and the school called my parents. I was suspended for a week, because I lightly slapped a bully in the face after he repeated punched me and called me a retarded faggot pussyboy. even though I told teachers and parents multiple times that Jacob was a problem, no one cared until he started crying.

I was forced to write a handwritten apology to him. I fell behind after being out of school for a week. I was forced to quit chorus. I had to call my grandma, who was dying with cancer at the time, that I wouldn't be at the chorus concert she had been looking forward to all year.

I attempted suicide twice. once by cutting, once by hanging. I felt like shit. I felt like no one, not even my own parents, cared about me. I had no idea what was wrong with me. after one of my teachers got aggressive with me and pulled my arm too hard, I tried to run away from home. I was too afraid to tell them what happened, because either they wouldn't believe me, or I'd get in trouble for being a victim of abuse. to this day, I've never told my parents that one of my teacher's grabbed me. but I do know that the particular person in question is no longer a teacher, and also probably dead too.

I went to a public high school. not too many people from middle school went to the same high school, but a few did. namely P and Jacob. freshman year was rough. I took chorus class, but did really badly in my other classes. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had major major major depression. near the end of that year, my mom took my to a psychiatrist. they prescribed me vyvanse and lexipro. at first I didn't want to take any pills. I had the horrible idea in my head that they would change me and make me a different person. but eventually I did start taking them. my suicidal thoughts went away, my grades improved, and I started making more friends.

sophomore year was much better. I hung out with P and friends from chorus a lot. I took an art class with the best teacher ever. I started to explore my sexuality since I finally had a support system. I became more active on tumblr and remade my blog which I still have to this day.

about halfway through the year, there was a school shooting. it happened right in front of my art classroom. I saw someone get shot and fall to the floor. as our class hid, hearing the paramedics desperately try to save a girl from being shot through her skull, and armed cops storm the halls, I cried and wondered how this could happen, and why it was happening to us. because someone was shot right in front of our classroom, they had to clean up the hallway before we were allowed to evacuate. eventually we were moved to a different room, but not before being escorted by a tile floor stained red with blood. I found out that a classmate of mine, J, was shot in the head and was in the hospital in critical condition. another boy was shot in the leg and injured. and the shooter killed himself. I held out hope that J would survive. when I heard that she was taken off life support, I stopped taking my pills, and regressed back into depression.

school was canceled for about a month after that. everyone was hurt. our entire class was given therapy. I spent years trying to get the image of a dead body out of my head. I looked for support everywhere I could. I was active on a social media platform called google plus at the time, which was like if reddit and 4chan had a baby, and that baby was a website populated by 13 year olds who made an account to comment on youtube videos and decided "you know what? what the hell. I'll use this". it was absolute hell. when I talked about my experience and survivor's guilt, I was bullied and harassed and called a liar and told to kill myself for trying to "take away people's guns".

eventually, I met a friend in my Spanish class. his name was T. and he helped me through a super rough time in my life. we were close, both identified as pansexual, liked the same video games, and both used tumblr. we soon started dating, and he helped me learn more about transgender people. it was at this time I started to identify as nonbinary. no one treated me like I was a boy, so why should I be bothered to identify as one? this was so freeing. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I started going to my local PFLAG meetings and talking about my experience with others. meeting other queer people, both in school and out of school, helped me feel... normal.

junior year was healing for me. I started driving lessons, took chorus again, took an art class with T, and spent more time with him. eventually, I started to realize that being nonbinary wasn't right for me. I wondered if I could identify as a trans woman, but felt I didn't deserve to. I didn't want to play into the autogynophile myth, and I felt like wanting to be a woman was something that other people deserved but not me. being online during the rise of jkr's hate movement against trans people did not help at all. but with tons of love and support, T helped me, and I started publicly using she/her pronouns at school.

I told my mom, and I'll always remember the day I came out to her, Feb 7th 2019. the day I started living. she started taking me to her woman's group therapy, and there I spoke with a therapist who diagnosed me with gender dysphoria and recommended I start hormones as soon as possible. I was put on a wait list, but had no idea what the time frame would be like.

coming out to my dad was worse. he was cutting fish on the back of his truck with a huge knife. I told him "hey, the reason my is taking me to her therapy sessions. it's because I think I might be a woman. I think I'm transgender." and after a pause, I told him "I'm sorry" before running inside and crying. for the briefest of moments, I was worried he would hurt me with the knife. I know now that he would never do such a thing. but I at the time I was scared of him and how he would react.

that summer, me and T broke up since they were going away for college, but we remained friends. it was also around this time where I started to learn a bit about kink and s&m. I also changed my blog name to daughter-of-sapph0 at this time I'm pretty sure.

summer ending quickly, and I started senior year. I was dual enrollment, which meant I took high school classes in the morning and courses at community college in the afternoon. I had some amazing high school teachers, but was unfortunately stuck with Jacob for two of my four classes. I also took sociology and art courses at college. I was starting to feel better about myself. it was around this time that I started looking into Judaism as a religion, and considered converting.

around the end of 2019, I was pretty active online. I had a decent presence on twitter, mostly in telling transphobes and nazis to kill themselves. my main claim to fame is calling Graham Lineham a sad pathetic wet fart who spends his time jerking off to tranny porn and then going on twitter and saying we deserve to die. he replied to me directly and called me a groomer, despite me being 17 at the time. I pointed that out, and asked him if calling minors "pedophiles" on twitter is why his wife left him, only to be blocked by him immediately after. that was honestly my proudest moment ever.

it was also around this time that I made the worst mistake of my life. I posted a selfie on a lesbian subreddit, and received a few positive comments, mainly from other trans lesbians. and then I had my first ever stalker. this person harassed me everywhere. I complained to the mods, but all they could do was ban them from the subreddit. they somehow managed to find my tumblr, and then my twitter. they made multiple accounts and sent me rape and doxx threats daily. I tried reporting them everywhere I went. when I spoke out and went public about my abuse and stalking and harassment and rape threats, they called me a liar and started a smear campaign against me on twitter. I went pretty inactive on tumblr, completely remade my twitter, and never touched reddit again. eventually, the harassment slowed down.

I had been out as a woman for about a year now. the misgendering and harassment at school was infrequent, but manageable (okay that's a lie). but I do have one positive memory. me and a few other seniors had permission to drive to school. one of those seniors was Jacob. and he drives like a fucking asshole. him and his friend both drive at the exact same speed on the only two lane road, making it impossible for me to pass. one day I tried to pass my driving in the median, only for them to speed up. I needed to get up to like 80mph before I was able to safely pass one of them. the other one quickly sped up and passed me. as the road changed to one lane, I was trapped between them, as one of them constantly break checked me and the other tailgated me. after I got home safely, I got both their plates and reported them for irresponsible and reckless driving. idk if anything came of it. but the next day I asked Jacob's friend if he drives a red truck because his driving sucks. he said he didn't, some other short white boy did. I said "oh sorry. you two look exactly the same, so I can't tell you apart" and he came up with the incredible comeback "you look like a girl", to which I responded "yes, thank you for noticing." this was honestly the proudest moment of my life.

the second half of my senior year was going pretty well. really the only things that could ruin it are a spike in transphobic violence, my stalker coming back to harass me even more, and a massive society-halting pandemic that puts everything on pause and ruins my dreams of college and sends me into a depressive spiral that I try desperately to heal through sex. good thing that wouldn't happen. right?!?

I'd write more, but I'm exhausted. it's late for me right now. I'm sorry for using this anon to traumadump and give my whole life story, but I feel it's important to share.

I have ptsd. I've struggled with trauma and depression and suicide my entire life. I've constantly been seen as lesser, unworthy, disgusting, horrible, wrong. sometimes it's big things like constant bullying or rape threats or someone trying to kill my while driving. other times is as simple as a single word.

I'll refrain from giving the 2020-2024 life story for right now. but I hope that reading this at least gives you a bit of insight into the trauma that I had to deal with growing up. and I'm one of the lucky ones. I have supportive parents and friends and therapy and hormones and basically everything I need to survive. and I still attempted suicide multiple times, I still have trauma, I still was harassed and threatened and stalked. imagine how much worse it is for other people who aren't as fortunate as me.

it's "just a word". if it's so small and meaningless, then you can just choose to not use it. it's not that hard. we're asking, begging, for the bare minimum level of respect here. and you can't even give us that.

[bluedalahorse]

Two options for the character breakdown game: Sara (because you haven't done her yet, and we can't leave her out) and Claudia

You know what? I’m going to do both.

Claudia

How I feel about this character: TV CLAUDIA IS THE ABSOLUTE GREATEST. I’ll be honest, book!Claudia kind of weirded me out conceptually, especially the part where she and Louis are kind of in love but she still looked like a little kid? I also read Interview with the Vampire at the age when I was just… not great at loving female characters, and when I sort of wanted to ship mlm ships exclusively. But show Claudia is incredible. I mean, there’s the part where she’s extremely badass, and one of her first acts as a vampire is to just. Straight up eat a cop. But I love that we start from that badass, highly emotional teenage space but then go deeper with her, and I love how unapologetically herself she is. I love that she dreams about the idea of finding vampire community. I love that she stands up for herself. I love that she and Lestat are so alike and they fight about it. I love that she refuses to let her truth be erased by the way she records everything in her diary. Claudia deserves the world and I cannot say that enough.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: CLAUDELEINE OBVIOUSLY. They deserved more happiness together than they got.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: If there were a universe where Claudia and Daniel could have existed at the same time and become friends, they would have been unstoppable, and they would have adored one another, and everyone else would have suffered for it. Hilariously.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Occasionally I see book only fans argue that the tragedy of Claudia is ruined when she’s turned as a teenager rather than a little kid. This is something I very much disagree with. Teens are just as tragic as little kids, first of all, but people do have a weird bias against teenagers and actually feeling for teenagers, and I wish they wouldn’t. Also, since Claudia looks like someone in between childhood and adulthood, the age that people in-universe read her as is like… entirely determined by what they want to read her as to control her. Sometimes people infantilize her and make her play Baby Lu. Sometimes they subject her to very adult forms of abuse. Claudia is still tragic no matter what, okay?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish she and Madeleine could have lived in that cute cottage forever. (Gosh if only Armand hadn’t been stuck behind the baby gate…)

Sara

How I feel about this character: MY WONDERFUL DAUGHTER WHO HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN HER LIFE. But, while we’re talking about teenage girls, she’s one of the best teenage girls ever written on TV, ever. Sara reached out through the screen and grabbed me by the heart. Her care for others, her willingness to look past the obvious of a situation, her curiosity about who she is and what she values… when she said “no one likes me when I’m me” my sixteen year old self felt seen. I am consistently floored that all my favorite YouTubers who talk about autism and ADHD rep in television have weirdly never talked about her. I almost avoided joining YR tumblr fandom because the abundance of “Sara is on thin ice” posts I saw while lurking made me hesitant and disappointed. Most of my fandom hiatuses were caused in part by people being shitty about her. Sara has one of the best damn arcs in Young Royals, hands down.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Well, obviously August, controversial as that opinion is. I think their relationship ended up in the right place by the finale, but I can’t resist their chemistry along the way. And as I was saying to @heliza24 earlier, there’s just something about characters who perceive themselves as unlovable finding love with one another. Now, I want to have other Sara ships, but… I don’t know if I do, really? I might read Sara as a little arospec, like gray aro or something, and it actually means a lot to me that she chooses friends and family over romance in the end. But if you get back to me a few months from now maybe I’ll feel differently, who knows.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: potentially weird turn but like, Wilhelm? Specifically in Heart and Homeland where they end up in a kind of disability solidarity queerplatonic partnership. I don’t know if I feel that as much in canon. As far as canon goes, Felice first and Simon second.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I’m going to make this an extension of my August Unpopular Opinion on my August post, because I’m vibrating on a higher sargust frequency than usual this week due to anxiety about travel and I kinda just want to talk about sargust because it’s a comfort pairing. And that is… Sara’s feelings for August are something we can enjoy fannishly, too. They are something we can write fic about and come up with AUs for and make gifsets and fanmixes of. The AU stuff especially—I feel like sargust still could have happened in an alternate universe, or in a universe where Simon didn’t end up at Hillerska, or whatever else. Sara and August have a relationship in their own right and while they are a superb foil to wilmon they are not only a foil to wilmon. There is a level of Weird Teen Girl Horniness represented onscreen in the portrayal of Sara’s crush on August that just feels like, refreshing and authentic. The yearning with the picture of him in 1.5, like girl his hair is terrible in that picture and yet you are there for it! The grinding in 2.2! The dumb little arm punch in 2.3 before they just give up and make out! Seeing a lot of people who’d previously said only negative things about Sara suddenly decide they like her after season 3 when she dumped August was… not as comforting as I’d hoped it would be. Like again, to be clear, I do think their relationship ended in the right place and I want Sara away from him, obligatory “August did terrible things that I do not condone” disclaimer that I’m very bored of typing by now etc etc, I get why this is not everyone’s cup of tea, and so on and so forth. But I just… like them together, okay. And I wonder about all the other people who liked them together who ended up leaving the fandom because there wasn’t as much of a place to express that.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Sara’s arc is pretty perfect. I have one thing I maybe wanted to say about S3 but I’ll hold back for now. EDIT: I wanted her and Wilhelm to have more interaction in season 3. What was the lack of that about?

One thing’s for sure, after typing all that I really want Sara and Claudia to be friends, and to be able to play with horses together.

[rebelren]

Thinking today about the s5 finale, and...

The Leverage ot3 owns my whole-ass heart.

Just.

The way they balance each other out, a three-legged stool of thievery that can handle any ground, no matter how uneven.

The way they support one another: totally and completely and without question. It's them against the marks, against the world, and I fully believe they're going to win.

The way each accepts the others fully. Parker is their 20lb of crazy in a 5lb bag, and Hardison will always have to fight the temptation to go too big when he grifts, and Eliot will always feel the weight of his past actions, and they know that about one another. They accept Parker's autism and Hardison's ADHD and the way Eliot gets way too serious about food, and they just factor that into their thinking and keep right on going.

The way they work together, fully aware of each other's competences and pitfalls, giving each other space to work and the implicit offer of support if needed.

The way they appreciate the things the others can do that they cannot. They've learned from Nate and Sophie, but now, it's time for them to fly on their own power. The Rundown job comes to mind - the guys admiring Parker being amazing, the way Eliot grabs the back of Hardison's neck to focus and ground him, the look that passes between Eliot and Parker in the train car.

The ways they have grown and flourished in working together. I'm not sure I've ever seen a show with so much character development and growth, and I love Leverage so deeply for that.

Their deep loyalty to one another. There is no plan M because Hardison dying is an unacceptable outcome in Parker's plans. If they go out, they go out together. End of story.

Their love. It's grown so organically out of them working together, out of uneasy alliances evolving into a deep, abiding trust and thence into something more. It's like no one else's love, but they're like no one else, so why would their love be? Now, it's become this foundational thing they stand on, that they rely on, and they're all more solid and secure because of it... and so, so much happier. They weren't looking for this, and it just happened, and now that they've found themselves here, they're never leaving, never letting go of this.

[fandomsoda]

I prefer Cross x Epic over Crossmare because:

A: You're gay! B: No u! C: You do realize you are married right?

And I prefer Inkmare over Xvials because I personally love the idea of Nightmare being a Morophile (having an affinity for stupid people) as he often finds mortals and decides to keep them as if he as kid finding a shiny rock, although this dynamic of "He's SO stupid (and I love it)" can be feasible with Cross, I like Ink being a silly lil goober and I don't see it happening with Cross, but I don't ship X Gaster with anyone because he is canonically Aro Ace.

What kind of dynamic do you see in your mind with Crossmare, I'd like to know your thoughts on the matter.

I didn’t expect to get this ask but interesting conversation starter so I’ll bite, besides you’re being very polite so I might as well partake! And I like discussing dynamics anyway, so this’ll be interesting.

First of all, I like Crepic too! It’s just a bit further down on the list. They’re funny, but there’s not a real sense of commitment for me to latch into.

Secondly, I like Inkmare too! And the idea of Nightmare finding more airheaded people attractive is cute, but that can also get unhealthy very quickly if he has the wrong reasons for thinking that. I also just don’t like characterizing Ink as “stupid”, because he’s not. Ink’s not stupid, he’s a dumbass by choice. Besides, that often is a way that people infantilize him and it feels kinda ableist for that reason, given he is very autism and adhd-coded. But overall Inkmare is good. And while I completely understand not having a ship for XGaster, Ink is also aroace and aroace people are fully capable of being in relationships. Many of them don’t want to and said relationships are usually pretty complicated and are not romantic, at least in the traditional sense, but many can and do. Every aspec person is different and we shouldn’t put characters into a box unless they’re like- canonically stated to be repulsed/non-favorable or something. Besides, my view of Xvials often isn’t necessarily romantic, it’s usually the definition of “it’s complicated and we don’t know what’s going on”. But that’s most of my ships, because I’m not invested in it being romantic, I’m more invested in the characters having a meaningful bond.

As for how I view Crossmare? Well I’m very heavy on the comfort and understanding each other side of it. I came into the fandom and started shipping it when the whole season 1 of Underverse was all we had. From that I extrapolated from that sense of understanding between them and Nightmare wanting to help Cross. It’s very much about Nightmare seeing Cross and saying “hey. I know it hurts. I know what you’re going through. But it’s ok. I’ll help you be strong. And you will achieve greatness when you are ready”. Nightmare helps Cross understand and get in touch with his negative emotions, helping him to embrace and weaponize and come to terms with them rather than fight against them, to not villainize his struggles. Nightmare is there, not to say “get up and keep fighting even when you don’t want to” like Dream does, but to say “it’s ok to sit and feel and rest for a moment. You don’t have to be a soldier, you don’t have to be a hero, you are allowed to let yourself feel. Do not repress your feelings for the benefit of others, let it out. Prioritize YOU.” And Cross is doing what he can to help Nightmare feel understood along the way, to do what he can for the person who’s helping him, a lot of give-and-take with these two, just in different ways.

I know it’s not very canon-accurate, but it’s what I made of it, and it was all formed in my head prior to when 0.6 shot me in the foot.

I hope all this sufficed! ^^’

[polyamorous-selfinserts]

🐒🐌🐁🐅 :3!!!!

thank u so much for the ask ^-^ u didnt specify so i'm gonna do me n jason and roy

🐒 Who is the big spoon, middle spoon and little spoon?

- i think jay is definitely the middle spoon most of the time, and it really switches a lot of the time tbh. sometimes me n roy will both hold her when she needs that, and sometimes me n roy will both curl up under his arms and rest our faces against his tits <3 because our sleep schedules r so unaligned and unpredictable a lot of the time they're getting back after i've gone to bed, so they'll just flop onto wherever there's space in the bed. both me n roy run hot and jason switches drastically between furnace and block of ice, so a lot of the time it's is comically sprawling limbs. when it's just me n jason there's not really any spooning it's us pressed as close to each other as possible, face to face. when it's just me n roy we both get so sweaty that we just make do with resting our hands against each other while we sleep. my hand on his slutty little waist at all times lmao.

🐌 Who is more likely to fall asleep first? Who goes to sleep last?

again, our sleep schedules r super out of wack. i work night shift (3-11) and they work "nights," but i also sleep more than they do. because i'm not a child soldier and have a sleeping disorder. so a lot of it is them getting up before me (and apologizing softly when they wake me + forehead kisses augghhhh) and coming to bed after i'm asleep. either way though, i would fall asleep first because of my meds. i think jason has a hard time falling asleep, but roy conks the fuck out. being a dad means he's learned to take sleep where he can get it. it's very disorganized and all of us are adhd + autism solidarity so it's a lot of all of us on our phones/reading and then being like. "charlie u should go to bed" "roy we're in bed. and you're on your phone too" "nuh uh" "very mature guys" "jason you can't talk. when's the last time you went to bed before 6 am?" "when's the last time u slept for less than 10 hours" "oooohh" *cue aggressive wrestling*

🐁 Any headcanons you have about your polycule?

- i definitely headcanon jason as trans in some way, and usually use she/he pronouns for her. i think it's less of a labeled thing though in universe. jason is not self aware enough to know that about himself except for that he likes when i call him my girlfriend.

- jason has his own polycule that i'm like. adjacent to. i don't care who else he loves, as long as he comes home to me ^-^ roy just weaseled his way into our bed like the mistress he is 🙄

- me and roy's relationship is very much "we're both in love with this self destructive asshole and live together. i guess we're technically dating." like it's very much not something we would've landed into but we both keep jason safe and sometimes that means keeping each other safe too. the feelings are very much like. arranged marriage that develops into mutual respect and affection.

- none of us organize in the same way and it causes Thee Most Conflict around the house tbh. i don't care about your guns on the table jason, but you can't be storing the linens in the clothes closet!

- both me and roy are ready to fight bruce at the drop of a hat and it is definitely like. a guard dog situation. he drops in uninvited and me and roy are over jason's shoulder glaring him down with contempt and hate in our hearts.

- roy enjoys playing with the household technology. i enjoy it when my toaster doesn't speak. we are at odds on this.

- roy and jason talking about technology makes my brain swim, but i get back at him when me and jason are talking about magic. this is less effective than i would think because roy begins to understand after a while. i grieve my petty advantage. jason thinks we're both cute.

🐅 Do you have any pets? If so, what are they? If not, what kind of pets would you like to adopt?

- Jason has Dog! but tbh they're not home for consistent enough periods of time to take care of a pet, and i am not good at keeping things...alive. so. uh. no. maybe in 20 years when they're old and retired we can get a couple cats.

[cowplant-pizza]

hey guys this is a huge personal rant about my irl so if u dont wanna read it just scroll!!

so as some of u will know i am disabled with fibromyalgia, hyper mobility and also depression and anxiety.

i started a small biz to try to help bring funds in as i cant work a proper job (i was even told by my dr that working was out of the option)

im feeling doubly, even tripley sorry for myself rn because not only do i have a disability, but i have it so bad that i can’t even do what most people with this disability can do (work part time or even full time in some cases)

my disability took away my dream from working with animals because its such a labour intensive job

i saw a silver lining in creating my small business because it was something i was really passionate about and was actually doing really well

in 2020-2021 i made £21k which is a reasonable salary for someone with no qualifications (i had to drop out of school due to my disability) and also a small business in their first year of existing

however since covid has “ended”, and lockdown was lifted, my sales have plummeted. the following year i only made £4k

this year i’m sure i’ve made even less

i cant keep up with my business because i’m way too stressed about money. stress makes fibromyalgia waaaay worse for those wondering

i cant sleep at night. i have awful insomnia. but when i do finally get to sleep, i cant wake up. i describe it as a sleep coma. its like sleep is literally pulling a blanket over my head and suffocating me back to sleep. i actively fight with my body every day for the ability to wake up

once i wake up i have minimum energy. this is spent doing small everyday tasks like watering my plants, playing with my dogs, putting away laundry, showering ect. once those tasks are done, i’m spent. i could sleep again. i have no energy or motivation to work on my business

but some days i dont even have the energy to do those small things

i just sort of “zombie mode” along all day. time goes quickly and slowly at the same time

i thought i’d been awake like 30mins earlier but it had been 5hrs and my dinner was ready

i’m basically always confused and not with it. earlier i put a tissue on the side and my mug in the bin (still with cold tea in it) instead of the other way around. i put soap in my hair and shampoo on my body puff

i dont know what to do

i have a drs appointment on 16th but that was booked over a month ago and its only over the phone. i rang today to try and book another one (because you can only discuss one issue at a time), and opted for the callback service (if your past 5th in the queue you press the callback and keep your spot). i was 8th. i never got a call back

i honestly just feel like the entire world is against me

im trying to get an adhd/autism diagnosis because i know something is “wrong” up there but i cant even get a regular appointment let alone a referral

i get no support from my government. no benefits. i scored a 0 on my PIP interview. im going to try for universal credit but someone recommended waiting for my adhd/autism diagnosis to really push them to give it to me but, as i said, i cant get an appointment

im making about 50-100 per month

i dont see anything bright in my future

if you read this far honestly your a gem. im sorry for burdening this on your shoulders. i just needed to write it down and get it off my chest

[pantwolf]

Healing is great, and I'm making good progress

But old bones get dug up.

I'm remembering things that I locked away

Things safer to ignore.

I feel old wounds opening up, scars dissolve

So new flesh can grow.

Emotional neglect, a little here, a little there

A timer of sand.

I'm not the victim of a major crime, my cuts are small

But many makes mighty.

Each grain finds their friends against the wind

Making a mighty shifting dune.

Sometimes I feel trapped trapped by society

And me.

I feel like the last of my kind - alone

Extinct.

Even in the company of kin, I feel alien

Incomplete.

But running kept me alive and going

A sprint on all fours.

Filled my time with work and school

Ignored the flame in my soul.

I was lost in the woods. No luminous moon glow.

But it turns out I wasn't alone.

In the end, I found my pack.

And they found me.

Our old new wounds will close

And we will be free.

Now we howl and play in Moon's soft glow,

And my heart beats with renewed fervor.

Yet I mourn the life I thought I had,

How could a pup have known any better?

"Healing"

- Felix

(Commentary under the cut)

This is about trauma, healing, and found family. Werewolves, nature, and instinct. Autism, ADHD, and unmasking.

And journies.

I have spent a very long time under the haze of dissociation, I think. I'm coming to realize that I haven't been able to actually address some of the traumatic events in my life, because they were small (but consistent) patterns, instead of a single, obvious tragedy. More importantly, they were normal. I didn't know I was hiding my fears, shame, and sadness.

I was a bullied kid. I was an outcast; I felt like there were miles between my peers and I (shoutout to my childhood friends, y'all were the Real Ones). I don't think I was actually despised by my peers, but the bullying did its job; I assumed I wasn't welcome, so I kept myself small.

My dad had cancer since I was 6, on and off for 20 years. Thankfully, it was a mildly-aggressive and very treatable cancer. It was just the background radiation of our family until COVID got him in 2020. He was as old as my peers' grandparents. Add in the chemo, and he was always tired and dozing off. But he never complained about feeling sick.

With that radiation (the radiation metaphor has like 3 levels at this point), my parents relationship strained. I was kept awake many nights by my mom yelling at my dad, them fighting about something. My mom made it sound like he was abusive or neglectful, and that he didn't treat her right. I believed her. I mostly remember my dad as detached and emotionally distant, uninvolved. One time, I told my mom that I felt like dad didn't love me. I'm sure she used that as ammo to try to get him to Step Up or Be Better or something. Either way, you can only really deliver a bullet with a gun. If she did tell him that at some point, I'm sure it killed him on the spot. I really wanted to rebuild a relationship with him. I never got the chance.

Fast forward to today, and I have little to no sense of identity. I'm in my third try at college, the first two were nonstarters. I work retail, all I've ever known. I feel lost and stuck. I don't feel welcome in the common culture.

But im starting to open my eyes. I'm starting to feel again. I'm becoming more confident, I feel better, I'm expressing myself, and I feel like I actually have agency to become who I want to be. I've been in a dark tunnel for so long that I forgot what it was like to be content and happy.

If you, dear reader, take away anything from this poem and my tale, let it be that it will get better.

[dead-loch]

my mom and her brother both work in the federal govt and one of her cousins has worked as a nurse for over 20 years at a hospital in our city.

During covid, like lots of us, cousin started wondering if she was neurodivergent, partly because her youngest daughter received an autism diagnosis, partly because she started recognising some signs in herself.

So cousin took some time off from work so that she could focus on her own mental health, see someone, and potentially receive a diagnosis, which she did for adhd.

Her psychologist has repeatedly said she is ready to return to work. Cousin wants to return to work.

But the hospital is refusing to allow her to come back to work and has been jerking her around for the past SIX MONTHS.

Her job is unionised and even her union are working against her, with her union rep telling her she’s not allowed to seek legal counsel until they’ve “exhausted every other avenues” (a bullshit lie). She had to take on another job, where she’s earning $1500 less per paycheque (while being a single mother to 2 kids).

THANKFULLY, my mom (who has a really interesting job in ethics and gets to comb through every slimy thing politicians try to get away with) is a pit bull and has been working with cousin to get her legal rep. She called a lawyer friend from CSIS (canadian cia or something), who is contacting a lawyer who recently represented citizens in my neighbourhood against the far-right convoy occupation a couple years ago.

Both lawyers were like “oh this hospital does not know what’s coming down the pipe towards them” and are flabbergasted by the amount of laws they’re breaking.

Reminder that hospitals here have a MASSIVE deficit of staff. This hospital is literally not allowing someone to come back to work despite the fact they want to and are ready.

Anyway. The family who fights workplace discrimination together stays together or something like that.

[rigaudon]

highly controversial (esp for tumblr) take under the cut, brought to you by me, less than 24 hours after running out of my antidepressants

i hate the continued trend of "quirkifying" (thing i made up just now) mental illness, but I especially hate how recently tumblr has latched onto, specifically, adhd and autism and turned them into personality types that people slap on a name tag to show off how unique they are. I hate that being neurodivergent has become the go-to excuse for terminally online people to justify their shitty behavior. I hate the sentiment that being unmedicated is something to be proud of. I hate that wanting to be fucking normal is a cardinal sin, because ew why would you want to be like those boring neurotypicals.

I hate it. I want to be normal. I started taking medication for ADHD when I was four years old and I have never, not once in my life, thought it was a Fun Thing To have. I hate that I've spent the last 15 years slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably--no almost definitely--autistic, but am still vehemently opposed to it and unable to reconcile that fact despite all the evidence. I don't want to be autistic. I don't want to have adhd. I don't want to make these things a part of my identity that I share with people in the same breath as I talk about my favorite video games or dnd class.

It's not fun. It's not a cute, exclusive club you get to be part of.

It's miserable and alienating and people don't take it seriously. Because you're just lazy and not trying hard enough. Why haven't you done this task you promised you'd do six months ago. Why did you fail out of college? Why did you squander that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Why don't you finish anything you start? Having a low attention span isn't an excuse to not communicate like a normal person. I've had to tell you this five times why can't you just remember? Why can't you save any money? Why are you so fucking weird? Don't you ever think about anyone other than yourself?

Why can't you Just Be Normal?

I would give anything to just be a shitty, irresponsible person who makes bad decisions out of carelessness or lack of empathy. I would give anything to be a "boring neurotypical". Because I could work on that. I could become a better person. i could learn from my mistakes and have that actually mean something practically rather than just cognitively.

It's an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Accepting that my brain just does not work correctly and no amount of positive thinking, or bullet journaling, or time management skills, or even medication will fix it. It will always be a struggle. It will always be a ten ton weight shackled to my ankles that I have to drag behind me through any task that doesn't result in instant gratification. There will never be a permanent solution. I will never wake up one day and suddenly be able to do these basic fucking tasks that everyone else does without issue. I will always have to remind myself to brush my teeth, or to eat breakfast, or to take a shower, or to make sure my cats get fed. It will always be an ordeal to get the mail or to go grocery shopping or to keep myself from sabotaging every good thing in my life for the umpteenth time.

It's exhausting. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of fighting against myself every waking moment of every single day. I'm so sick of being told that I don't deserve any kind of accommodations or allowances or compromises and there is no excuse because "everyone else has to do these things and you don't get special treatment".

I don't want special treatment. I don't want everything different or "wrong" with me to be painted on my skin in bright red ink for everyone to see. I don't want to be reduced to a bunch of boxes so people can just glance at the labels and decide that's all they need to know about me. I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be different. I want to fucking blend in and be unremarkable and boring.

I just want to be fucking normal.