#OR they just realize they find the expectations put on them for masculinity to be really oppressive even negligent or abusive
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tealvenetianmask · 2 days ago
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Is there stigma about mental illness in Hell?
Personal bit: I've had chronic depression and anxiety for my entire adult life, and I used to guard it as this big secret, but now I have friends and coworkers who are understanding and have their own issues. And I work in a helping profession where I see that dealing with this stuff is just really fucking common. But recently I've had a bit of culture shock hanging out with my family, and realizing that... oh wait, we still treat our mental health issues like deep dark secrets and refuse to talk about them and/or seek help. And that's the only acceptable way to act. Okay. Thanks guys.
Personal ramble aside, yes, mental health stigma is still an issue in America, 2024 (obviously). And thanks to Sinsmas, I'm convinced that it's an issue in Vivzie's Hell too, in a way that's pretty reflective of how real contemporary society treats it.
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Stolas chooses not to tell Blitz about his happy pills. We find out as the episode progresses that he never told Via either.
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And plenty of arguments could be made about Stolas just not wanting to burden the people he cares most for. Not wanting Via to worry about him. Not wanting Blitz to be put out financially by tracking down the pills. But I think there's a level of embarrassment here too, and here's why.
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Stolas has spent his life being told to bottle up his emotions, and we have evidence of this. We've also seen him struggling to hide his emotions from Blitz before, turning his back in The Full Moon, and straining when forcing himself to stop crying in Apology Tour.
Is the cultural aversion to displays of emotion just an upper class thing in Hell? I think the answer is "sort of." There are ways in which a Goetia is expected to behave, and lower-class demons have more freedom.
BUT
It's not really that simple. We saw toxic masculinity coming from Millie's parents and from Crimson, and that kind of attitude sort of goes hand in hand with mental health stigma. We also saw Verosika say this-
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Which shows a certain attitude toward seeking treatment . . .
And Blitz ALSO has a preoccupation with acting like he's fine and can handle things without help that seems very grounded in sort of a working class, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" attitude. (Bye to all that by Ghostfuckers..)
This has all been a very long way of saying that yes, mental health stigma in Hell is significant and affects our characters.
So what role does discovering Stolas's pills play for Via?
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She takes them as confirmation of her fear (one she already had a lot of evidence for, to be fair...) that Stolas stayed in a miserable marriage for 17 years just for her. And more- that she was "never enough" to make him happy.
And she's right but. She's oversimplifying it. She did make her dad happy. When someone's suffering, from abuse, from mental illness, from . . . literal society . . . one wonderful relationship is still not going to make their life a happy one.
Beyond Stolas's specific situation, people with great lives sometimes need happy pills. People's lives are multifaceted, and that's a lot for a young person to understand sometimes.
So if Octavia had grown up in a situation where people . . . idk, talked about mental health and didn't stigmatize emotions . . .?
Yeah, I think she'd react differently to the happy pills. But more importantly, the level of secrecy wouldn't be the same. Stolas would have been more open about his range of emotions and about needing pills, and in countless other ways this situation would have played out differently.
And now I'm tying myself in knots trying to imagine Goetia culture WITHOUT mental health stigma. I don't think it would exist in the same way at all. Quick, someone get an army of excellent mental health professionals and assign them to every single member of Hell's aristocracy.
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Of my 2% capacity to be attracted to anyone, my type is like 90% women, 5% pretty men and 5% men you would swear are super fucking manly, and never questioned being straight and cis, but are now suddenly *stressed* that they can't figure out why their attraction to me [fully socially interpreted as a woman and labelled that way up until relatively recently] feels incredibly fucking gay
#you are a straight man correct? Yes. Attracted to someone you view as a woman correct? Yes... But you are afraid that makes you gay?#Afraid is a strong word but also stop asking stupid questions#The end result is I tend to date a lot of men who either then realize they are women or bi or gay and I am there when they are taking out#the messiest parts of that on whoever they are with at the time#and on one hand it means I created a space that made them feel safe enough to self examine#but on the other hand I'm their last stop when the fallout hits#OR they just realize they find the expectations put on them for masculinity to be really oppressive even negligent or abusive#I would say I need to adjust my strategy and stop trying to 'woo' men the same way I don't actually -flirt- with women#but I have already solved this problem by refusing to date ever again#The retrospective is funny though#The problem is I am attracted to men in a gay way and to women in a gay way but no one tells you the consequence of that and looking#like a pretty butch is that it really confuses the straight guys#Like why is this guy who's usually hmmm... as dom and masc as you would imagine suddenly in my lap and red and having entire feelings#about the way I am holding his hip? He doesn't knoww either and he's really pressed about it#And that thing messy lesbians do where they act jealous of you and also like they want to fuck you at the same time that looks like a red#flag from hell? Imagine dragging that out of unsuspecting straight guys -menTM-#They don't know why they are acting like that around me either but it's going to go one of two ways#either it will seem overtly threatening and aggressive to everyone involved including themselves or they'll have enough social sense#and tact to be playful about it but still not be sure if they are flirting or whether they like me at all#I have patience for one of those and unfortunately[?] it's the guy who's in my lap looks like he's being tortured and can't find his footin#not the guy telling me how much he's going to beat my ass at some game and I am going to like it or some macho bullshit#And I will be oblivious for the first 50% of it#because if there are gods they are cruel#He never realized he's actually the little spoon be nice and give him a minute#He can't tell me he likes me if he doesn't know he likes me but I opened a jar for him and asked him about his feelings and now he's warm#I actually ended up never dating many women at all because of weird lesbian mixed signals and things#At least not while they were women#I don't flirt or make friends I just decide that people are mine and start taking care of them [while respecting their autonomy and shit]#and I am starting to think this is how I make problems for myself#yes I am playing 5-d chess with gender and am now a he/they but it is not what it is cracked up to be
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wolverinedoctorwho · 3 months ago
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How many things am I gonna try thinking "oh this will finally reveal to me whether I'm trans" before one of them actually *works*. I'm tired of this grandpa.
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danibeanie · 4 months ago
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solar return observations! 🙊
🙊-a lot of people talk about mars 2nd house being a placement where you spend carelessly on money, but no one talks about how your style improves drastically with this placement. Mars Is in a venusian house after all , so you might find yourself dressing more like the sign your mars is in.
ex- leo mars might dress with pieces that are more extravagant like bold colors.
ex-taurus mars might dress with the intention of comfort and more relaxed colors.
🙊-uranus in 11th house is a very clear indicator of your friend groups always changing/ hanging out with people you never expected too.
ex-I had this my senior year of highschool and I was jumping from friend group to friend group😭 (all fun tho since it was my last yr and I wanted to venture out)
🙊-moon conjunct saturn is going to be a year that’s slightly depressing. when I had this I had the tendency to be very hard on myself.
ex-6th house, with your routines, health/fitness, anything that involves you working
ex-7th house, partnerships with others/lessons
🙊-having a stellium in your 7th house for that year means that your NEVER going to be lonely. You tend to attract friendships with out even trying.
🙊juno conjunct descendent is meeting someone that could potentially be your partner , but still learning a lot from them since it’s the opposite to your ascendent.
🙊jupiter in 7th house is a sign of healing and realization when it comes to partnerships
🙊mars conjunct chiron is healing through your anger/ having more trouble with masculines that year.
ex- I went through a huge heartbreak and I was reluctant to dating anyone for the rest of the year, AND I was venting out my anger.
🙊moon in libra and people are DEFINITELY gonna find you more charming that year.
🙊any leo placement for the year will get you more attention genuinely 😭
ex- I had venus conjunct mars and I really felt like a star (BUT IM A STARRRR)
🙊saturn in 1st house is maturing.. literally growing up and having to do things YOURSELF if u want to see progress.
ex- I have this rn for my solar return and not even kidding you, I’ve had to make decisions when it comes to work,school,friendships. I would always depend on other people to help me out, but I’ve been taking action on my own and learning how to do things myself.
-also you just want to be alone this yr , not even in a bad way , your just a bit to yourself.
🙊sag rising is you feeling like a baddie and always down to do anything/ feeling more freedom
🙊virgo rising is a bit more serious and I felt studious yet very critical of what I was doing that yr.
🙊cancer rising is EVERYONE loving you and comments on “she’s so nice”
🙊pisces rising so FAR is feeling very empathic about everything and putting yourself into other peoples shoes. ALSO check where your rising falls into your natal chart.
ex-I have this on my 10th/11th house and I noticed that most of my friendships this year have been other people taking advantage of them etc. so I have to come and help them out.
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trans-androgyne · 1 month ago
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Funny enough, some of the best writing I have seen about transandrophobia is by someone actively denying its existence.
Though in this article the author of "Transmisandry Is Not Real" seems to refuse to believe it in some crucial ways, bigots see both gay men and trans women/fems as failing the male gender role (to be masculine men and attracted to women) and both lesbians and trans men/mascs as failing the female gender role (to be feminine women and available to men).
He addresses the related 2020 study showing that "survey respondents throughout the world are more vocally prejudiced against queer men than they are against queer women." He then goes on to describe how this does not mean that queer women are less oppressed, but that "anti-lesbian prejudice often takes the form not of explicit hatred, but rather the view that queer female desire is illegitimate, unserious, and something temporary that women can be pressured and assaulted out of." It is a more insidious but not less violent form of oppression. Now, I'm just going to add some words in brackets to the below paragraphs so you see what I mean.
Queerness is often viewed as an inherent part of who gay men [and trans women/fems] are, making them irredeemable predators and perverts in the eyes of the homophobes, who then attempt to violently drive them out of public life. But when it comes to women [and trans men/mascs], queerness is seen instead as a flaw that can be “fixed,” in order to restore a woman’s [or perceived "female's"] availability to men.
Straight society pushes queer men [and trans women/fems] out, but it rarely allows women [and trans men/mascs] to escape. Instead, it conditions them to prioritize the interests of men, to evaluate themselves through their desirability to men, to attempt to find something redeemable or attractive about men [or about their own womanhood and femininity], and to submit themselves to men’s romantic advances [and desirability to men] regardless of their true feelings [about their sexuality and their gender]. It’s a quiet, insidious form of prejudice that can pervade the lives of queer women [and trans men/mascs] so thoroughly that many women [and trans men/mascs] don’t even realize they’re interested in women [or not actually women, respectively] for decades... that’s certainly not because they are less oppressed or face less bigotry.
Thank you, Dr. Devon Price, for putting so many of my thoughts on transmasc oppression into words. I did not add "cis" before the terms men and women in his original text because this same kind of queerphobia can also certainly also apply to queer trans women and queer trans men (who are pressured to fit into these same gender roles if they want to be respected as their gender). But it very much highlights the quieter but deeply oppressive ways trans men and transmasculine people are expected to make ourselves available to men in every way and punished if we are not.
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vivacissimx · 11 months ago
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The puzzle piece about Rhaegar that is really interesting but unfortunately often overlooked is that he was relieved when he realized he was not TPTWP. Yes, relieved. Conflicted too which I will get into. And I believe it is obvious that when Rhaegar first read about Aegon's prophecy, he was not enthused— It seems I must be a warrior is trotted out to talk about Rhaegar's gender expression, his disconnect with capital m Masculinity that is purposely contrasted to Robert Baratheon reveling in it (indeed only making sense within the context of violence, battle, war) but there is more to the compulsion involved in the words It seems and I must than just It seems I must become an archetype. Socially becoming a fighter was already expected of him but he was not, presumably, in compliance with this expectation. The prophecy motivated him in a different way than you will be socially rewarded for acting as a man does.
Which brings me to another point i.e. how Rhaegar perceived himself prior to reading what he read; his connection to the tragedy of his birth and the grief, the resentment, the awkward dynamics between members of his family. "Oh he was a child" yes but we're told that Rhaegar did not act like, think like, or even particularly get along with others his age. So it's safe to say he was aware of Summerhall and felt it's shadow surrounding him from a young age. And Aegon's prophecy, combined with the Ghost of High Heart's prophecy, the events of Summerhall, put this weight on his shoulders completely into context. It was not that Rhaegar desired to be TPTWP because he took to it with determination but no particular joy. Every indicator just seemed to demand he give himself over to fulfilling this role. TPTWP was coming from Aerys and Rhaella's line? Well, he was their only child. Consult Maester Aemon on the matter? Yeah kid it's you. Ancient scrolls? Dusty, but they agree. Dead ancestors? Oh wait, they died so YOU could live. Woah.
This understanding basically necessitates us looking to ASOS Daenerys who also has some knowledge of TPTWP prophecy, and thanks to the Rhaegar-Daenerys pipeline, we can imagine that Rhaegar had similar thoughts to Daenerys, such as when she asks herself: The dragon has three heads. There are two men in the world who I can trust, if I can find them. I will not be alone then. We will be three against the world, like Aegon and his sisters. Who are Rhaegar's fellow two heads? Daenerys wonders at this, telling Jorah that her brothers are dead. Well Rhaegar's brothers die too, right in front of him. Rhaella suffers miscarriage after stillbirth after crib death. She is punished for this by Aerys via isolation and presumably Rhaegar is also kept separate from her— textually we know that Rhaegar was expected to take a sister to bride, i.e. further targcest was going to be enforced by Aerys, and to Rhaegar the loss would have also been of the other two people who would have fulfilled the requirements of the prophecy. Yes that's true. However, it was also the loss of his mother.
Rhaella was 13 when she had Rhaegar so it would be ridiculous to even think that she, a child, a Queen from when Rhaegar was 3, was this grand maternal figure to him. Of course she wasn't. There was too much on her shoulders. Too much on Aerys's shoulders as well, to be any sort of father except the kind who trotted Rhaegar out as an impressive little heir from time to time. Rhaegar was Aerys's success (it's the duty of the patriarch to sire sons who will continue the line) but as Rhaegar's siblings failed to survive, that success became a dicey thing. So when Viserys was born & survived, there is a thought that Rhaegar would latch onto such a sibling. This isn't the case— in fact, Viserys is Rhaella's. She coddles him. Keeps him close. Safe from Aerys (who already has Rhaegar). Viserys tells Dany stories about Rhaegar but this is done in the sense that he does not truly know Rhaegar. Why wouldn't Rhaegar have spent more time with Viserys, if he was motivated by fulfillment of the prophecy?
Because Viserys was Rhaella's, perhaps. Rhaegar never truly got to be his mother's son. To leech Viserys away from her... there's something in that. When Rhaella warmly welcomed Rhaegar's daughter, too. Rhaella's was Aerys's wife and property, which Rhaegar knew because he was also Aerys's property. Rhaella was mother to his brother. Rhaella was a grandmother to his daughter. She was everything but the woman who raised him.
"Rhaegar was a lonely man anyway due to his depression" yes that's true. There is an asceticism to Rhaegar Targaryen. The places he enjoys are bare and stripped, places he can keep his own company: Summerhall, the place of his birth, haunted, full of magic. Dragonstone where he retreats after his marriage, a place where the last embers of Valyria's magic died. Later the Tower of Joy is in a barren desert. But he finds a beauty in these places. He writes music that pushes him back into the shared world, songs he shares with people, about people, about lovers and those who sacrificed and who he is deeply moved by— almost like he's motivating himself. People are drawn to him.
Despite his lack of connection to Rhaella and Viserys he does bond with people. Arthur Dayne, who for all we can try and complicate, apply horseshoe theory to, is meant as the juxtaposition to characters such as the Smiling Knight. Brave as brass Myles Mooton whose memory his people still call upon. Richard Lonmouth and Jon Connington, both technically vassals to Robert Baratheon, funny little irony there. Princess Elia his wife who he is fond of along with the Dornishmen she comes to court with, "particularly" Prince Lewyn of the Kingsguard, who is in Rhaegar's confidence (per AWOIAF). These bonds seem strong because not a whiff of possible disloyalty on Rhaegar's part ever reaches Aerys despite it definitely existing and Aerys actively looking for it (again per AWOIAF). Do these confidantes know about Aegon's prophecy? IDK. At least in JonCon's case the answer seems to be no. However we also know JonCon wasn't actually the closest to Rhaegar. Nonetheless, I think we can assume that outside of Arthur Myles and Richard most of these were political relationships which Rhaegar pursued and all were concerned about Aerys's instability— there is also Tywin who Rhaegar performs certain overtures towards (such as knighting Gregor, Tywin's man, at a time when the Aerys-Tywin relationship had just grown particularly sour) indicating he'd like him as an ally. This is all straying away from TPTWP but I think it's important, it shows that even imbued with purpose, Rhaegar was in a position that did not lend itself towards him being able to take much action...
Then winter breaks. Spring comes. Nobody knows it's false yet. Rhaegar's whole deal is this coming Long Night. Everyone takes, quite literally, a breath of fresh air, and the tourney of Harrenhal commences, with Rhaegar as a shadow sponsor, thinking to call an informal Great Council which will begin to deal with Aerys (step 1)(step 1 failed).
This is where matters of prophecy come back into focus. I've covered Rhaegar's various relationships, the shallowness of them, the stagnancy in Developments due to Aerys's paranoia, etc. Harrenhal is not a solitary place but it is flush with magic in a way similar to Summerhall and Dragonstone— all places where dragons have died Harrenhal is thematically the cannibal dragon let's not get into that. And this is important to Rhaegar's characterization because of how things unfold with Lyanna Stark in several ways: 1) Lyanna cries to his song. Before they formally meet Lyanna is touched by the magic and purpose and sacrifice and yes, love, of which Rhaegar sings. It speaks to her. Of course, many others likely cried too. Common occurrence, see: A song of love and doom, Jon Connington recalled, and every woman in the hall was weeping when he put down the harp. Not the men, of course. Rhaegar gender moment but I digress. 2) Rhaegar's discovery of her as the KOTLT despite Robert & Richard Lonmouth both vowing to do so, those raucous manly men, both of whom failed; Rhaegar's subsequent hiding of her identity to unknown consequence for himself if any. All he produces is her shield which is painted with a tree on it, a purposeful callback to Duncan the Tall's shield, both Lyanna and Dunk being 'false knights' yet, in their actions, true ones. Sorry I love Lyanna so much I can't resist plugging her greatest hits 3) Rhaegar winning the tourney, the only tourney he's ever won... and immediately tainting his victory by awarding it to Lyanna instead.
I bring this all up and frame it because here we see that Rhaegar is not really invested in his own victory or legacy or even really his honor. His wife Princess Elia is there and she is pregnant with his son, something he could commemorate in the same vein that Aerys "honored" Rhaegar by showcasing him at various tourneys, an ode to a future warrior king, but Rhaegar doesn't do that. It's not his victory as a Man. It's never been about his victory as a Man. It doesn't even need to be his victory.
Neither does Aegon's prophecy. Rhaegar rapidly realizes that on two fronts: second, the false spring ends. It wasn't real! Rhaegar's spring isn't the lasting one. First, though, is that Rhaegar and Elia's son Aegon is born, a difficult birth in which Elia is rendered infertile. Who does this remind you of? Oh right, Aerys with Rhaella— only Rhaegar does not go about trying to impregnate Elia again. Rhaegar becomes convinced Aegon is TPTWP— something he was already thinking, prior. Rhaegar was never so invested in himself being TPTWP that he could not be convinced otherwise. Maester Aemon: Rhaegar, I thought... the smoke was from the fire that devoured Summerhall on the day of his birth, the salt from the tears shed for those who died. He shared my belief when he was young, but later he became persuaded that it was his own son who fulfilled the prophecy, for a comet had been seen above King's Landing on the night Aegon was conceived, and Rhaegar was certain the bleeding star had to be a comet. Rhaegar agreeing "when he was young" and being "certain the bleeding star had to be a comet" all indicate that he had been looking into the possibility that TPTWP was Not Him for a while. The visits to Summerhall— maybe they were a search for proof by encasing himself in the lingering magic of the place? He still messed up the prince/princess translation presumably because baby Rhaenys never seemed to be in the conversation. (The bleeding star was in fact a comet, funnily enough, a little consolation prize for the pretty boy.) Here's what we know: in Daenerys's vision, Elia asks if Rhaegar will write Aegon a son, we can assume because he wrote their firstborn Rhaenys a song, but Rhaegar says no, he already has one. The song of ice and fire. Aegon doesn't get a song. Why? Rhaegar believes he must be a warrior.
Yet, he sings for him anyway.
Rhaegar's "it seems" and "I must" and distance from Viserys and inner conflict about Aerys and doubt about his own place in the grand scheme of things all come to fruition with Aegon's birth. Rhaegar isn't TPTWP— and it spurs him into action. A weight is off his shoulders so now he can act. As in the case of crowning Lyanna, when the purpose of a task is not to honor or elevate him, we see Rhaegar able to perform in ways he could not before.
Namely there are two veins: acting against Aerys and seeking out information of the prophecy, but Rhaegar's general direction (through the Riverlands past Harrenhal) seems to indicate that he was headed towards the Ghost of High Heart. Not Summerhall, a place of mysticism meant to soothe Rhaegar. Rather a place of pain. The Ghost of High Heart who gorged on grief at Summerhall, who only ever demands Jenny's song (which Rhaegar seems to have wrote), who sees in Arya who looks like Lyanna, who looks like Jon, death. But instead of ever making it there... Rhaegar meets Lyanna.
And then they disappear. There are the Rhaegarwars to consider so I'm just going to say that, at the least, Lyanna did not want to marry Robert though society dictated that she must, and in removing her, she was removed from this. From there she came to be in Dorne in a place that was desolate desert, but similar to Summerhall, which was also abandoned, held something of magic in that it was near where Those Who Sing The Song of the Earth had split the Arm of Dorne. We can say a lot more about this but that's not the point of the post. I have explained Rhaegar as a person disconnected from his mother, later a person who in several manners refuses to act as Aerys did towards Rhaella, indicating that disconnect troubled him — Rhaegar's limited amount of close relationships with people he admired and the deep loyalty shown to him, presumably for a reason — Rhaegar's willingness to interrogate himself & his assumptions about the world.
So when I say Rhaegar was relieved what I mean is that upon suspecting and, to his mind, confirming that he was not the fulfillment of Aegon's prophecy, Rhaegar became proactive in ways he had yearned for but not been able to before. The Rhaegar that died with Lyanna's name as his last word was not a Rhaegar who died thinking the world was doomed without him. I think the Rhaegar that died on the Trident was a Rhaegar who had escaped the shadow of fate only to meet it, face to face.
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societyoftheblindeye · 27 days ago
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I feel like the way fidds and Stan are presented is so interesting like the masculinity they both give feels soooo very intentional and very modeled off of such specific ideals outside of their upbringings. They both come from areas that one would assume to be kind of hypermasculine in very specific ways like for instance a hog farm in rural Tennessee and very clean pressed neighborhood near the Jersey shore but they both kind of find themselves gravitating towards a more lax and artistic kind of vibe, specifically disco. And they still incorporate textures and patterns and staple pieces from the men of their upbringing into it while also branching out towards more flamboyant personas. Like, this is smth I wrote for a fiddlestan diddy a while back:
Stan was masculine in a way that Fiddleford wasn't used to. He was so used to masculinity being used as a shield. Something to hide behind; something rigid and and unchanging. A strict expectation that was the same from man to man, leaving little room for Fiddleford's silk shirts and flared jeans and shaggy hair. But Stanley's masculinity, in his tank top with his mullet and his curiosity, came off as more inviting. More fluid. It felt like a tide that kept flicking up around Fiddleford's ankles, and the looseness made his knees feel weak. Fiddleford licked his lips at the realization of how well they complimented each other.
Like they both have smth abt them that is so obviously “out of place” to a lot of potential random onlookers but is integral to how they feel abt themselves bc this is how they’re choosing to present themselves to the world ESPECIALLY Stan bc he lives so much of his life as a character rather than just as himself bc that’s the only way he feels he can survive bc being himself has hurt him so much in his life. But even when Fiddleford DOES achieve what the normal expectations for a man would be - a wife and a child and a home and a chance to own his own business - he still throws it all away for the chance to be close to ford. Who I think at this point is safe to call a canonically queer character. So there is smth in him that is very willing to forego all the traditional masculinity he’s managed to maintain for the chance to be close to someone who might understand why he feels TRAPPED by that traditional masculinity
“Oh but it was the 70’s, disco was popular, it was fine to dress like that” just… as someone who also grew up in Appalachia with family who were in their 20’s and 30’s in the 1970’s who still would have ridiculed or even threatened anyone who dressed like this… not always. Just because styles are popular in music or television doesn’t mean that they would be acceptable to someone’s upbringing or their peers, and I just know from growing up in the same kind of environment as Fiddleford that it would be likely and realistic that he rly was only able to dress like this BECAUSE of the distance he had put between himself and his family. And the reason I brought up disco specifically being a big source of inspiration for both of their fashion senses, in relation to them both having a kind of queer sense of masculinity, was bc disco was heavily influenced by ppl who were facing social persecution at the time (feminists and gay men and black ppl) and the genre was in itself a sense of community and social liberation. And even when it was at the height of its popularity disco was attacked and forced out of fashion by racist, misogynistic, and homophobic rock n roll fans in what ultimately became a riot led by a popular macho manliness preaching shock jock named Steve Dahl who started the “disco sucks” movement. So like… disco DID have its time in the spotlight, but it WAS still a source of sexual freedom in a time when that was very much not okay. There was a huge evangelical revival going on the 70’s that specifically attacked the small bit of sexual freedom that society experienced in the 60’s, and it was very much a time when ppl were saying that sexual freedom would turn ppl into actual murderers. So even tho disco was commercially successful, it still wasn’t ideal to be associated with it in a lot of places
But also i don’t think EITHER of them are Fem. I do think they’re both masc bc like… yeah. Like I said, even tho Fiddleford’s style is very disco heavy, he IS bringing in those textures and patterns and staples from his upbringing. And the way he was brought up, he would have most likely seen cowboys as the ideal masculine archetype. And while disco was a heated topic in the 70’s, the same silhouettes were still kind of floating around the country scene. Jeans were flared, just not full on bell bottoms. There were wide collared shirts, but not as deep a cut on the neck. And paisley was a pattern that kind of bridges the two groups. So he’s rly marrying the freedom from disco with the flair of 70’s country, which IS kind of a masculine approach to take when flirting with disco fashion. I also think a lot of ppl conflate body type with gender expression (waify, skinny = feminine/fat, broad = masculine) so they see a thinner guy who’s kind of faggy and go “oh he must be Fem” while disregarding EVERYTHING else abt him.
Like what was the point of us getting this picture if you’re just gonna ignore everything but ford’s stupid shorts?
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No parents, no wife, no small town church culture. It’s rly him at his most free and his mustache isn’t even the push broom style of mustache that was commonly associated with cowboys in the early 1970’s. This style of mustache was more associated with bikers at the time, and American biker culture has its roots in the post-war gay community. It’s the same origin as the leather community (as in leather daddy) which is why they share so many stylistic staples. So like… that’s yet another display of affinity towards a more masculine style
I don’t know… I just think they’re both so fascinating & I think considering a character’s wardrobe and styling is rly important to understanding them better
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aayakashii · 2 months ago
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I remember you did something kind of similar already, but I was thinking what if Vagastorm had an S/O that can or likes to carry them around sometimes? :3c
Omg I am obsessed with your art btw 😭😭 I love it so so much, it always makes me laugh!!!!
And yesss I did it here!! Which is wow a LONG time ago so I'd love to give it a go again, with a fresher opinion on them all hehehe
Vagastrom with a S/O that loves to carry them around (with pictures ?!)
Alan
He's absolutely horrified with this situation
Please put him down
Doesn't matter if you're EXTREMELY strong, he still thinks and acts as if he could hurt you even if he's not doing anything
Literally the type of guy that needs to go through exposure therapy in order to get used to the most minuscule touches
So you'll have to work hard until he allows you to carry him around sometimes
You can begin slow, after he's used to you hugging him
You can go for a hug, squeeze him tight and then finally lift him for a few seconds
He'll still be alarmed, but slowly he'll get used to your random bursts of affection that lead to you carrying him around
Once he's used to it, however, he thinks it's actually kind of relaxing
Feeling weightless for a little while in your arms is an unexpected bonus of his relationship with you
And he won't lie that it brings him great comfort that you're strong
Don't get him wrong, he still acts as if you're easily breakable
But maybe not as much... Just a little bit 🤏
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Alan before he got used to being carried vs Alan after he got used to being carried
Leo
Oh he LOOOOVES it
But only when he wants it, of course
As soon as he realizes you are strong enough to carry him around, he WILL be using this opportunity to be as lazy as possible
What do you expect from the guy who is plenty capable of doing anything with his ghoul strength but still asks Alan to open cans for him 😭
You will become his little lackey whenever he wants to be carried and you will 100% like it
Some of those weird cats are going around cleaning the dorm? Get up and carry him somewhere else xox
He found a new trend on tiktok abt partners carrying each other? Come here real quick and let him film a new video for his feed thx
Now YOU want to carry him out of nowhere when he didn't ask for it??
Now that's some audacity
Be ready to either be pushed away or to have some bubblegum stuck on your face for a long time 🫶
He's like a poisonous animal, except instead of shooting out venom when he's distressed, he shoots out hazardous, life-threatening bubblegum
But hey, you should know better...
Don't pet the cat if the cat doesn't wanna be pet, duh
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Leo when he doesn't want to be carried vs when he wants to be carried
Sho
He finds it extremely embarrassing
No, you don't understand. He LIKES it. And THAT'S why it's embarrassing.
When you come running towards him while he's working, hug him tight and then lift and spin him around...
And he knows he's blushing like a fucking school girl in front of all of his customers..........
Please stop 🤚
Actually, no. Don't stop. But please do that in private so he won't lose face in front of his customers.
Especially in front of that kid from Frostheim who he almost beat up. How is he going to defend his pride when he's tucked all comfortable and cute in your arms, being held high???????
Toxic masculinity aside, he loves to be carried by you
Loves to feel like you like him so much that you can't help but hold him so tight like that
He does the same to you and soon it becomes a competition of who's gonna carry who first when you two meet afterhours at his room
His favorite thing, however, is when he manages to kiss you while he's being carried
If you're going to make him all flustered like a little lovesick dumbass, then you bet he's gonna do the same to you 🫵‼️
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Sho when he's screaming inside and blushing bc you're carrying him in public vs Sho when you two are alone
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monotonesmile · 2 months ago
Note
Hello beautiful person, well I would like to ask for a request if it is not bothersome! (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠)
I would love if you could write a Rise!Leon x fem!reader. Only if you want of course. (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡
Maybe they meet by accident when Leonardo is on the roof of Reader's building? And they start talking through the window but without her being able to see him, Because Leonardo is afraid that she will get scared or something like that? (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)
And in the weeks that they talk, they fall in love with each other! (⁠☆⁠▽⁠☆⁠) Reader doesn't really care that he's a mutant turtle!
Sorry if it's too long, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, thanks for your time (⁠´⁠ε⁠`⁠ ⁠)
Rooftop Meeting? No. Fire Escape Meeting.
[Leo x Fem!Reader]
[Word Count: 4,204]
[Warnings: Small amount of blood and mentions of injuries, insecurity, possible ooc Leo]
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Being rudely awakened by the sound of metal breaking and a loud thud from what she can presume is something hitting her fire escape is not how she expected to wake up at four in the morning on a Sunday. Sitting up in bed with a groggy grumble, she slides out of bed, walking over to her window and sliding it open.
When she looks up, she can see the fire escapes above hers broken with a massive hole going through their flooring. She looks down at her, finding it only dented with specks of blood littering the rusty metal alongside metal fragments from the broken fire escapes.
“Uh…is anyone out here, are you okay?” She calls out in a quiet voice, leaning out her window slightly to try and see if anyone was nearby, worried that someone may be injured, though, how can anyone survive that.
She can hear some shuffling from…somewhere…she can’t see much in the dark, she leans back into her window, staying quiet as if waiting for someone to respond. While waiting she rubs her eyes to try and remove the sleep from them.
While doing so a voice piped up from the darkness, “yes…” the voice was masculine in nature so her first instinct is to assume this person is male, her thoughts are interrupted by more shuffling and a quiet wince.
“Do you need a medical kit? I can go get mine for you…” She asks in worry from hearing a wince, confirming her suspicions of injury, after all there’s blood speckling her fire escape.
“No, no, I’m fine! Uh, no thanks…” The voice rushed out in a slight panic, as if accepting her offer was wrong, but she persisted regardless, refusing to let this person just walk away while likely bleeding, besides, it’s obvious he’s not fine.
“No. I’m going to get my medical kit, I can see the blood so stay put, I’ll be right back.” She huffs, moving back into her bedroom, but not before hearing him sigh in defeat.
Leo, to his dismay, can’t exactly just leave now, thinking this girl would likely try and find him, plus, it might be a good idea to at least treat the cuts on his skin, he’s going to be feeling this in the morning…
She is quick to find the medical kit she keeps in her room for emergencies, walking back over to her window. “Here, you can use this.” She sets the medical kit on the fire escape, waiting for him to grab it but he doesn’t.
“Fine…but I’m staying hidden! I’m all bruised and cut up, I’m not letting you see me when I’m not looking my best! It’ll ruin my image!” The voice huffs with an excuse as to why he’s still hidden in the shadows.
“That’s…fine, I guess? I’m going to go get you some water…uh, what’s your name?” She paused at the end realizing she has no idea what his name is, having stepped away from her window slightly.
“Oh. Uh, I’m Leo.” The voice, now known as Leo, mutters in response, introducing himself with a slight nervous twinge in his voice. “What’s…your name?” He asks quietly.
“Y/N. Now, I am going to go get that water, uhm, patch yourself up…okay?” She says with a slight smile, walking away from the window and further into her apartment to grab a glass of water for Leo.
Leo nods even though she can’t see him, waiting for her to leave fully before grabbing the medical kit and opening it, starting on disinfecting his cuts, wincing slightly as he wipes away the blood. Luckily, or unfortunately, Leo has experience with patching himself up, so he’s pretty fast at wrapping his arms and legs with gauze and bandages, before making sure his head is okay, he did fall through like…five fire escapes. After deeming himself alright, he pushes the medical kit back towards the window, waiting for her return.
“Alright, I’m back, here.” When she returned, she went back to her window, placing the glass of water down on the metal grating of the fire escape floor, taking the medical kit back so she can quickly return it to its original place in her room, disappearing from the window, which allows Leo to take the glass of water.
“Okay, wow, you drank that fast.” She blinks a little in surprise when finding the glass of water back in place but completely empty after returning to the open window, leaning out of her window to pick it up.
“I was thirsty.” Leo jokes a little with a small laugh following, watching from the shadows as she picks the glass up and sets it somewhere beside her in the room she’s in.
“Clearly,” She chuckles a little at his joking tone “is that all? Do you need anything else?” She returns to making sure he’s truly alright, finding herself worrying over a complete stranger, enough to offer things to him.
“Uh no, I’m all good, thank you by the way, for the water and your medical kit…I appreciate it. I do have to go though, it’s late, my family is probably worried and they get a bit…panicky…if one of us goes missing for more than ten minutes.” Leo sighed, shifting slightly to head down the rest of the fire escapes so he can return to the lair, preferably before his brothers go insane while looking for him.
“Oh! Right, get home safe, Leo.” She steps back from her window, making sure to close it only after hearing him leave, locking the window and returning to her bed, thinking about how weird today is probably going to be after that.
————————————————
It’s been a few days since she saw, more like heard, Leo, currently sitting at her desk while watching something on her computer, only to be taken out of her relaxed and zoned out state by a knock on her window. She looks over at her window with a confused expression, turning her computer off as she goes to check what made the sound, unlocking and opening her window, she looks out into the darkness the night has cast across the city.
“You know, you probably shouldn’t open your window for just anyone.” The familiar voice of Leo came from somewhere in the darkness, his tone teasing, she could practically see the grin on his face.
“Haha, very funny, Leo.” She rolls her eyes, her words sarcastic yet light before she decides to question his random visit, thinking he’d probably not come back after the night he fell unceremoniously onto her fire escape. “So…why are you here?”
“Oh, can I borrow your medical kit again? I, uh, got banged up again…” Leo admits sheepishly, like he’s disappointed that he has to ask for help from her, as if he is ashamed to be injured at all.
“Yeah, I’ll go get it, is there anything else you need while I’m still here?” She chuckles a bit at his sheepish tone, finding no problem with him asking for some help.
“Uh, yeah, could we just chat for a bit? If you don’t mind, that is, if you’re busy I can just go but if you aren’t-“ Leo starts to trail off into a ramble as he tries to excuse his question, only to be interrupted by her soft laugh, making him pause, looking at her from the shadows.
“Yes, we can talk, I don’t have anything else to do.” She laughs softly at his rambling, finding it kinda cute. “I’ll go get my medical kit for ya, just wait there.” Her laugh trails off into a soft confirmation as she returns to inside her room, grabbing the medical kit, silently thanking her past self for restocking it after Leo’s first visit.
Once she returns to her window, she sets the medical kit on the fire escape, nudging it towards what she assumes his direction is.
“I’m gonna go get a blanket, it’s chilly tonight, so do you want one? I can go get you a blanket.” She hums after pushing the medical towards the shadows, leaning out of the window slightly, arms resting on the windowsill.
Leo perks up at the offer of a blanket, it is a rather cold night tonight, that’s what they get for living in the north though, nights are cold. “Yeah, I’ll take a blanket!” He chuckles a bit, watching her head back inside to go grab two blankets for them, to which he quickly grabbed the medical kit and once again started patching himself up.
Leo looks up when a blanket is chucked at him, successfully hitting him in the face, making him wheeze with laughter as he can practically feel the surprise and guilt radiating off of her as she winced after hearing the blanket make contact with him, even if it couldn’t hurt him.
“Ah, sorry!” She quickly apologized while wrapping her blanket around herself, pulling her desk chair over so she could sit and be more comfortable while they talked, after grabbing the medical kit and dropping it next to her inside her room.
“You have great aim!” Leo wheezes, pulling the blanket off his head and wrapping it around his newly bandaged body, a wide grin on his face despite the fact she can’t see him, not that he wants her too.
“Shuddup!” She grumbled, pouting as he teases her for her impeccable blanket throw, crossing her arms while leaning back in her chair. “You said you wanted to talk…?” She mutters, her pout disappearing as she looks over at the shadows.
“Oh…right. Uhm…” Now that she’s acknowledging the second half of his request, Leo is suddenly more sheepish and shy. “Okay, so the reason I’m always getting injured…”
She was patient, letting him get his bearings while he tries to air out what she assumes is pent up emotions. Leo finds it a bit odd that he finds comfort telling this stranger his problems, thinking that because they don’t really know each other, it makes it easier to open up, but it’s nice, comforting.
“The reason I’m always injured is because I fight these really bad people, and it’s the reason we originally met…I’d been fighting one of them with my brothers when I got knocked off the roof of your building, and crashed through multiple fire escapes…” Leo sighs, sheepish as he admits the reasoning behind his injuries to her, wrapping the blanket around him tighter.
“So, you’re essentially a vigilante? Or a crime fighter?” She questions, tilting her head as she listens to his reasoning for his injuries, realizing that it suddenly makes much more sense how he came crashing into her life through fire escapes, although she does find it odd that he managed to not only survive it but from what she could assume he sustained only a few injuries from it, especially because of the force one would have to be thrown to break metal that way.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that, pretty cool, huh?” Leo’s original cockiness came back for a moment and she could feel the smugness coming off of him, clearly proud of his work.
“Yes, very cool.” She chuckles quietly at his cockiness, not finding it irritating like most would, she found it humorous.
“I fight alongside my brothers, they’re cool, I get worried every time one of them gets hurt, I don’t like seeing them hurt, but I just…can’t seem to tell them that, I mean! They know I care! But…” Leo exhales heavily as he sighs, trailing off, his smugness fading into melancholy as he crosses his arms, finding some comfort in the blanket around him,
“It sounds like you’re afraid to tell them you care despite them knowing you do, like you’re undeserving of their love towards you, even though you’d do anything for them.” She mutters, leaning her head in her palm, arm propped up on the windowsill as she listens to Leo’s voice.
“Yeah…I guess I do, I feel like I’ve failed them so many times that I just…don’t deserve them.” Leo’s voice drops, lowering into a soft whisper, his tone visibly showing insecurity, he has never liked showing his insecurities to anyone, yet she makes it so easy to lower his guard.
She lets Leo vent for a while, knowing when to stay quiet, sometimes something just needs to be let out without any input afterwards. Leo's soul feels so much lighter as the hours pass by, getting his emotions out finally makes him feel better, more confident than he already is.
“Hey, Y/N?” Leo murmurs, looking at her while staying hidden in the shadows, his lip twitching slightly in a small grin as he notices her sleepiness.
“Mhm?” She blinks, tired from staying awake all night, her eyelids threatening to droop closed.
“You should probably hit the hay, you look exhausted!” Leo laughs a bit, covering his mouth to muffle his own laughter, eyes crinkling from his grin.
“Heh…you’re probably right, I’m gonna go get some sleep, goodnight Leo…” She yawns a little, pushing herself out of her desk chair so she can shut her window but not before she says one more thing through her sleepy daze. “Hope to see you, or well…hear you, again, Leo…” As she finishes the sentence, she shuts her window and the curtains cover it, cutting off visibility inside.
“I- Uh, y-yeah, you too!” Leo stutters out, surprised by her final sentence, sitting still for a moment before he slinked off the fire escape, and to the alleyway below, not realizing he’s just taking the blanket she gave him with him as he disappeared below a manhole.
————————————————
Leo hops onto her fire escape once again, it’s the next night, and Leo felt like he had to see her again, she was just so sweet to him, she held no judgments even though she has not a clue on what he looks like. He places the blanket she gifted him last night on her windowsill, neatly folded and freshly washed (he does live in the sewers after all), he then places some snacks and drinks next to it, feeling he had to repay her for her kindness towards him, so he got her gifts!
Leo taps on her window multiple times until he heard her shuffling around and a groggy groan from inside the apartment, he chuckled quietly at the realization that he just woke her up, hiding back in the shadows as he waits for her to open the window and see the gifts he left for her.
The window slides open with her expression going from grogginess to surprise as she notices the folded blanket and treats on her windowsill, having the sudden realization that she forgot to get the blanket back from Leo, now finding it sweet of him to return it and give her little gifts, a small smile spreading on her face before she chuckles and asks “Leo? Are you still here?”
“Still opening windows for just anyone, I see?” Leo hums from the darkness, a grin on his face as he teases her for her somewhat dangerous habit of just opening her window if someone taps on it.
“Oh hush,” she laughs, shaking her head in amusement as she picks up the folded blanket, setting it aside in her room. “Thank you for returning my blanket, I had completely forgotten about it yesterday.” She smiles gently as she looks at the snacks, confused why he brought them but finds it still sweet nonetheless.
“You’re welcome, I even washed it too…which I had to make an excuse as to why I had a blanket that clearly wasn’t mine to my brothers when they saw me putting it in the wash.” Leo snickers at the memory of his brothers questioning him as to where he got this random blanket from, which was easy to excuse, just saying he got a new blanket.
“Ah, of course, the suspicious blanket.” She grins at his snickers, laughing along with him as she jested about the blanket being suspicious. “And the treats?” She hums, picking up a packet of fruit gummies.
“Oh, I wanted to repay you for letting me use your medical kit and just general kindness towards me…” Leo rubs the back of his neck as he admits the reason behind his gift, noticing the soft smile that appears on her face from it.
“Wanna share?” She smiled, tilting her head slightly as she offered some of the snacks and a drink to him, even if she doesn’t know exactly where he is, she places the snacks and drink on the fire escape.
Leo blinks, a soft blush appearing on his cheeks when she offers to share with him, surprised and a tad flustered by it before his normal bravado returns. “Yeah! I’ll have some.” He pulls the snacks and drink towards him, the soft blush not leaving his face.
They talk for a while while sharing the snacks, more than happy to just talk about their days, or it’s Leo talking about past fights he and his brothers fought, being very animated and excitable as he speaks of the past battles, likely exaggerating a few areas to make himself look good, which makes her laugh, smiling as he recalls tales of the past before a question pops into her mind.
“Hey Leo?” She looks up from her drink, setting it down after screwing the cap back on as she looks over at the shadows where he might be.
“Yeah?” Leo looks over at her, having stopped mid sentence in his story because she brought his attention back to her with her question.
“Why are you staying hidden? You’ve probably healed up by now, so, are you ever coming out of the shadows?” She mutters, finally getting this question out of her mind after it’s been eating away at her for a while.
“Uh- I- uhm…I’m still bruised? I got a nasty bruise on my face…” Leo stutters out, caught off guard by the question as panic runs through his veins for a moment, his excuse is choppy and obviously a lie.
She doesn’t look convinced by his obvious lie but doesn’t ask anymore questions about his anonymity. “Your story?” She raised an eyebrow, urging him to continue.
Which was absolutely a relief to Leo, exhaling a sigh of relief before he grins and continues his story about when he and his brothers fought two crabs, which confuses her a bit but she says nothing, letting him have his moment.
The moon is high in the night sky when she looks up, noticing how late it’s gotten, she smiles a bit as she admires the stars and moon far above them, Leo taking notice and watching her eyes shine in the moonlight, a moment of silence passing between them as she admires the moon while Leo admires her from his place in the shadows, wishing he could reach out and touch her in that moment, not even realizing the way his heart skips a beat.
“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” She murmurs quietly as she is still looking up at the moon, before looking back down with the same gentle smile on her face, and Leo has never been happier that the shadows hide him than he is now.
Leo blushes even more at the comment about the moon than anything else before, he mutters out a quiet agreement, keeping his flusteredness out of his voice as he swallows a lump in his throat, questioning in his mind why a random comment of the moon's beauty made him so flustered all of the sudden, letting the silence fill their surroundings like a comfortable warmth.
————————————————
Multiple week pass by, an entire month having passed and gone since that fateful day when he crashed onto her fire escape, not only has their friendship grown but Leo has found himself gaining romantic feelings for her, only realizing after the comment she made about the moon weeks ago, but he’s gotten more and more flustered by her sweetness, he can’t stop thinking about her, and he’s decided it is time to not just confess but also reveal himself to her, only hoping that she won’t be disgusted by him.
The moon is high in the sky, a clear night, no clouds to be found while the quiet background noise of cars honking fades away as Leo focuses on her, having told her he had something to say, and her concentrated expression is making Leo even more blushy than he already is.
“Y/N, I’ve been thinking about this for a week now and I just need to get this off my chest, I-I like you, a lot, more than as a friend, you’ve been nothing but kind to me even though you have no actual idea of who I am, and I just…I really like you…” Leo mutters out his true feelings, stuttering a few times as he fidgets with his hands, glancing up at her to find her smiling softly, her concentration had fallen into a soft blush.
Although his next words catches her attention, surprising her as she can hear him shift around, assuming he’s standing up. “And I want to show you myself too…just promise not to be weirded out or anything?” Leo takes a deep breath before stepping out of the shadows, finally showing himself.
His movements are stiff as he stands for a moment, taking her silence to be at least a good sign, she hadn’t started screaming so that had to be good? He steps over to the window so he’s closer to her, looking down at her as she’s resting her crossed arms on her windowsill, smiling up at him, expression having not changed at all, there is no disgust or hate, just her sweet smile.
“You’re…not weirded out that I’m a mutant turtle?” Leo raised a nonexistent eyebrow, confused on why she’s not a little confused or freaked out by his appearance, a blush still very present on his face, which he can’t distinguish if it’s from being flustered or embarrassed.
“Hehe…I uh…had my suspicions you probably weren’t a human from the beginning…I mean, no normal human could survive crashing through multiple fire escapes, not without multiple scraps of metal in them…” She chuckles sheepishly as he tilts her head while looking off to the side as she scratches the back of her neck.
“Oh…yeah, I should have probably thought about that.” Leo blinks before laughing along with her at the obvious answer to why he survived such a damaging blow. “So…uh, do you feel the same? If you don't, that's fine.” His laughs trail off as he looks back down at her with a suddenly shy expression.
“Hm…lean down for me, Leo?” She hums, waving him down with her hand, which makes Leo a bit confused but leans down so they’re more face to face now.
“Uh…what’s up-“ Leo was about to ask why she wanted him to lean down but was cut off when she pushed herself up on her windowsill to connect their lips with a soft yet quick kiss, a bright blush blooming on Leo’s face as she pulled back with a smirk.
“Yes, I feel the same.” She smirks at his blushing expression, his eyes wide as his mind has gone blank, his body slouching while she bites her lip to contain her snickering, covering her mouth as he blinks at her.
“Wha- I- you just-“ Leo can’t even get any words out as his brain had all but bluescreened at the sudden kiss, still processing the feeling of her soft lips against his.
“Oh god, you are so adorable…” She snickers quietly behind her hand, watching Leo just break after the kiss as her eyes widen as a low purring noise comes from him, which makes her snicker even harder.
Leo doesn’t even care as his entire demeanor softens, blinking for a moment as his expression turns into a soft smile, watching her snicker at his churring, just happy that he accidentally crashed onto her fire escape an entire month ago, because now he has the sweetest girl in the world as his girlfriend and he could not be happier, leaning back down to grab her wrist.
“That kiss was way too quick for me to appreciate it fully, darling.” Leo grins as he pulls her hand away from her mouth so he can cup her cheek and kiss her again, smiling softly against her lips while his tail wags behind him, feeling her giggle against him before returning the kiss.
————————————————
[Requests are open!]
107 notes · View notes
yanderes-galore · 7 months ago
Note
Could you do a romantic Naoya Zen'in with a female!sorceror!reader please! Thank you!
Oh he's going to be such an asshole... so I hope you know what you're expecting- I'm on Chapter 143, so some info may be wrong.
Possible JJK Manga Spoilers within this for chapters after where the anime (Season 2) leaves off!
Yandere! Naoya Zenin with Female Sorcerer! Darling
Pairing: Romantic
Possible Trigger Warnings: Female Darling, Obsession, Manipulation, Controlling behavior, Sexism, Condescending/Degrading behavior, Possessive behavior, Attempted forced marriage/courting, Stalking, Violence, Blood, Murder, Toxic masculinity, Threats, Forced relationship.
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You just know he's going to be horrible to deal with due to his family's principles.
The Zenin family canonically has sexist views, seeing women as just wives.
This is seen with Maki and Mai in the series, Naoya's language only confirms it.
It's canon that he views women as wives and thinks if they aren't three paces behind a man, they should be stabbed in the back (Actual quote, you wish I was joking.)
So it's safe to say Naoya is going to be hell.
He's such an entitled brat, tone and behavior often dripping in arrogance.
He would refuse to see you as skilled.
Being around Naoya as a female Jujutsu Sorcerer often comes with... comments.
Comments literally no one asked for.
Naoya would be degrading and condescending towards you.
He'd often view you as weak.
You could never measure up to him in a battle.
Like he did with Maki and Mai, he likes to break you down.
But here's the worst part.
Naoya would be the type of person to bully you because he likes you.
He definitely finds himself wanting your attention, so he'll get it in any way he can.
It's so easy to hate him, he doesn't even mind all that much at first.
Naoya would hunt you down just to mess with you.
At first it's just because he finds your goals to be stronger preposterous.
Although... before he even realizes it, he may follow you because he finds you attractive.
He likes that you're strong for a woman and might even see you as good wife material.
Naoya stalks you around, watching you kill Curses before stepping in to essentially steal the glory.
It's like in some twisted way he's trying to impress you.
Naoya treats you like you can't do anything alone.
He acts like he should be the man in your life.
He's so possessive... he thinks he owns you.
If he doesn't, he knows he will at some point.
Naoya is a nuisance to you due to both his beliefs... and the growing attraction he has.
You hate his guts... but Naoya feels he can't live without your attention.
He loves it when you look at him, he loves it when you react to him, he finds it cute when you fight him.
He believes he is leagues above you in power... yet adores you all the same.
Naoya would definitely put you down, then try to pull you into relying on him.
He tells you you're weak on your own... that you need him in your life.
In reality, it's the other way around.
Naoya feels he needs you.
However, Naoya is a prideful man and would never want to admit to that.
Naoya would often claim himself to be your man, be that boyfriend or husband.
In fact, Naoya may just jump straight into husband territory.
He's unwilling to believe you have any other choice.
Hate his guts? Sure... but you'll be married someday in his eyes.
He hates it when you disobey him to make him upset.
You want nothing to do with him, you want to be a Jujutsu Sorcerer without Naoya breathing down your neck.
Naoya is a Sorcerer who quickly turns to violence to get what he wants.
In the manga we see him quickly deciding to kill Megumi and Yuji to become head of the Zenin clan.
Imagine if you had a suitor already? Y'know... one who supports your career?
Naoya won't stand for that.
I can see Naoya stalking you until seeing your lover, only to confront them.
As I said, he feels he's the only man and partner for you.
So Naoya would probably kill them... with no regrets... in front of you.
The blood covering his clothes means nothing to him.
All that matters is making you his.
He's such a hypocrite, telling you to rely on him as if you need him.
You're capable on your own, but it's like he refuses to see that.
He wants you to listen to his every order, to beg to be with him.
In reality he's projecting, wanting to do that to you yet his pride won't let him.
At some point he gives in to the fact he loves you.
He loves you, he needs you, why can't you obey him?
The fact you're a woman who won't listen to him breaks him at times.
Yet he's determined to make you his wife.
It doesn't matter what you think of him...
Naoya is a selfish entitled brat who's used to getting what he wants.
He knows at some point he'll get you.
It doesn't matter how much blood he spills to make it happen... or if he has to break you mentally.
He'll make you his... his perfect little wife... who needs him as much as he needs you.
Naoya could drag you into his arms kicking and screaming, the blood on his clothes staining your skin as he grins down at you.
He doesn't care if he has to drag you to your wedding bound.
Naoya knows he'll have you... that you'll be his and you'll give him strong heirs...
You'll learn your role like every other woman in his clan... forced to stay by his side like the good wife he knows you are.
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valorascult · 8 months ago
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♡ High Value Woman Guide ♡
As I become more mature, I have realized and admired a few attributes the women I look up to carry. The women around me always seems very level headed, confident, and strong; but in a very feminine way (strong does not = masculine). The women in my life consistently receive what they desire & after observing their behaviors, along with mine, I have come up with a few ways to become a better “you”. How can you level up in every way possible to vibrate on the frequency of your desires?
Start prioritizing quality over quantity
This is with any & everything.
Choose your friends wisely, keep it limited to a few. You should only be surrounding yourself with people who have your best interest in mind. Living in a world of overconsumption, it can sometimes be hard to not cave and buy the latest “trends” - you should start developing your signature style. Have a few statement pieces that go with any and everything. Keep you skincare to a minimum, you don’t need 10+ products just for your face.It’s extremely attractive when people have a set curated style and are selective with their consumption. This not only shows discipline but uniqueness & a set individuality. You should be confident within yourself. Always prioritize yourself!!
You should be fine with being alone
This doesn’t mean you should feel lonely but simply - you should be your best friend and lover all in one. If you can’t hang out by yourself and you’re consistently finding a way to be with someone, this should be a red flag in your head. Consistently relying on external energy to entertain you instead of your own will never give you the proper satisfaction you’re seeking. You should be loving yourself properly, taking yourself on dates, relax at home, cook yourself the best meal, learn a new skill, etc;. To keep proper relationships with others, you must first have it with yourself.
Stop dating men just to date men
You should only be dating men who align with your values. Stop wasting your time with men who aren’t going to be relationship material. You should be able to tell if someone is worth your time after the first few interactions. We don’t date men who are emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, manipulative, etc;. - do not tolerate this behavior & do not for a second that you can “fix them”, he can / should only fix himself. You should expect consistent effort, healthy communication, & respect. If the man you are seeing doesn’t give you basic decency and more, drop it - do not mother him & don’t stick around putting up with his inconsistency and hope he will change. Never beg a man to stay or be with you.
Learn to control your emotions
It’s important to keep your emotions together, not only for the sake of others but also for yourself. Don’t act out because you are triggered in the moment - instead, try to understand why you feel that way and bring your emotions back to you, ground yourself & understand that anything that can make you instantly react, has control over you. Always stay in your power. Be responsible and take some accountability for your actions.
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handsomewickerman · 2 months ago
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Some thoughts on Eddie Diaz vs. Fanon Gay Eddie
I wanna preface this by saying that i'm latino, gay, raised catholic, heard the phrase "you gotta be the man of the house" my whole life. So on paper the idea of "repressed gay Eddie Diaz" should be appealing to me, right? well not exactly and here's why:
when I started watching the show I was aware of buddie, but I never engaged with the fandom. It wasn't until Buck came out that I started interacting with it.
when you join any space online the algorithm feeds you the most popular stuff, in this case, all my 911 recommendations were buddie, at the time I saw the vision, after all I love queer rep! but after the date episode and all throughout the hiatus I realized something very quickly:
most buddies don't actually care about queer rep, they just wanted their ship to go canon.
this realization came after weeks of seeing them spew bi/homophobic rhetoric and claiming it didn't matter as long as they got buddie, some examples:
- saying they wanted Buck to play into the bisexual cheating stereotype.
- calling Tommy a groomer, creep and predator.
- being unable to fathom the idea that Tommy was just hanging out with Eddie as friends
- claiming Eddie being a pos shit to women was ok "as long as he's gay".
- the insistence that Eddie should only be read as gay (not even bi).
- the idea that Buck and Eddie should only be "gay for each other" and no one else.
(these talking points still get repeated and if anything they have gotten more hateful the more time has passed).
Buddies insisted that they could've made buddie canon every ep, but that's simply not true, even leaving the GA and network aside, if you watch the show without shipping goggles you'll realize how much work they'll need to write that arc for Eddie as well, and if you care about queer rep you would want him to have his arc too, right?
they also claimed that his religious guilt is "clearly tied to queerness" when in reality Eddie is one of the most stagnant characters in the show as his religious guilt is tied to his inability to secure a "traditional family unit" and be the "man of the house" he was told to be. He drove Shannon away (something he admitted), then lost her forever and hasn't been able to move on for 6 seasons. It all circles back to that guilt about Shannon, the expectations put on him and his feelings of failing her, his parents, his kid and himself. Could there be an space for queerness too? Sure, but that's not what the show has portrayed at all so far.
the heavy mischaracterization of Eddie, the choice to strip him away from all his flaws or excuse them, the character assassination and malicious reading of Tommy while engaging in homophobia, their inability to allow Buck to be his own character with his queerness having nothing to do with Eddie and the desire to have him play into negative stereotypes told me everything I needed to know about where these people who want to gaslight you into thinking that "gay Eddie and buddie is the only correct answer" actually stand when it comes to queer rep.
it is not inherently wrong to find relatability in Eddie as a queer person and read him as such, but it is incredibly dishonest to claim that's the only valid way to read him.
in the end, I should find Eddie more relatable as a character and truth be told? I do, but I find Ryan's desire to tell a story about men being vulnerable, emotionally open and close without having to question their sexuality or masculinity far more realistic and honest for the character and Ryan himself.
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eww-y-tho · 6 months ago
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Colin VS Toxic Masculinity and Why Penelope Had to Reveal Herself as LW
I made a previous post with my two cents on why the idea of them both figuring out a solution to LW was an inferior concept to just Penelope figuring it out on her own, but it was small and I want to go more in-depth.
So, in order to grasp ✨my perspective✨ of the story, we first need to talk about Colin's struggles with toxic masculinity and his inferiority complex.
Naturally, Colin is a hopeless romantic with demisexual tendencies and a more prominent softness compared to other male leads. He's a bit dense (I say with love) until he figures out what he wants and how he's going to get it, and then he is a man of frankly ridiculous action. He's a sensitive boi who has a difficult time fitting in with the other men in his life and being taken seriously by his family, as he puts it himself. An empath, lol.
Honestly, Colin being a "rake" was an integral point of his character arc, and if you haven't picked up on that text by now, I would ask where your media literacy is. Violet put it best, he's putting on armour to protect himself from the way that society treats his character, and naturally, he develops a small, albeit persistent inferiority complex because of this. He doesn't feel like he's providing enough to the people around him because of toxic masculine standards.
I honestly think it's been with him since s1, and Pen is the only person who could bring these thoughts to the surface, which is why it comes to a head in s3 p2.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
In his efforts to fit in, he does some questionable things, such as the 2x8 comment, which he regrets as soon as he realizes how much damage it has done to his relationship with Pen. He hangs around with douchebags that he can't stand because he feels a need to conform and "be the kind of man society expects him to be."
But he also absorbs toxic masculine tendencies in the process. His gut instinct of general envy that a woman, Pen, is more successful than him (I hate to put it that bluntly, but that's how I took it), asking for her to quit LW because of these reasons, completely disregarding Pen's autonomy and her perspective by blindly charging forward to stop Cressida's blackmail, among other smaller things.
It's kind of ✨subtle✨, but I know it's there.
Pair that with his inferiority complex and you have a man who is trying to put down Penelope to his level, if that makes sense. By this point, he's already conquered the idea that he needs to conform by the way he cuts off his toxic friend group, but he isn't completely free from the systemic perspective.
Therefore, the idea that Pen would need him in order to find a solution to her problem confirms that toxic masculine trait. Let's be real, Penelope didn't and doesn't need Colin in order to help with LW's problems. She's managed without him before and will continue to manage it by herself. This is not to say that Penelope doesn't have an issue with accepting help from others and feeling the need to handle her problems alone because of her old situation, but she takes the emotionally intelligent move by LITERALLY voicing what she needs from Colin and their relationship.
She needs his companionship, she needs his love, she needs a rock she can come to at the end of the day and be able to depend on. She does not need him to do anything for LW, as it is a part of her identity and an accomplishment that she is proud of and will not let go of. Colin cannot make the demand that she drop everything she's worked for for him.
And that's how relationships work in the real world. You have things you are willing to let go of, and some things you are not. Your partner has to accept those boundaries you have set or leave the relationship, and you shouldn't have to abandon those things in order to get the person of your dreams, because that would make it a toxic relationship from the start and will most likely end in you losing parts of yourself in your partner.
Anyway, all this is to say that Penelope had to get out of her situation by her own means and with full autonomy on what she wanted to do to finish off her character arc.
And Colin needed to realize that his envy is a baseless emotion that simply has no value compared to the woman he knows her as. A strong, independent woman who doesn't need him to do things for her. He also needed to humble himself and see the way that LW is not competing with him, but a part of her. They both demonstrate that what they need from the relationship is not transactional in nature, but rather a shared bond powered by love.
I understand the idea of wanting them to both find a way out of the blackmail as a team, but again, that's explicitly not what they need from each other, and why I think this perspective is again a misunderstanding of their character arcs.
I think I've articulated this the best way I can, but I do know I wanted to say some other things. I'm tired tho, so yeah, ending it here.
Hopefully, this made sense.
Bai!
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the-masked-ram · 7 months ago
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Fics for Gaza
Here I am taking the plunge. I'm a small blog but fast writer even when it comes to my slower times. So might as well put it to good use.
Planning on joining this fundraiser run by @ficsforgaza and help make everyone happy with some content in the process. Here is my plan of action for my wip and donation costs.
To participate- please make a donation to a vetted fundraiser and send a screenshot/proof of your donation to me in a DM. PLEASE MAKES SURE TO CENSOR ALL YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION. (internet safety and all that jazz). In the message also let me know what fic you are donating to and I will adjust expected word counts. These screenshots are merely for keeping things as honest as possible and will be shared with @ficsforgaza
-I obviously will not be taking the money myself. Please send it to one of the vetted fundraisers mentioned in the link below.
$5.00 per 800 words or a full drabble series installment
Link to vetted places to donate here! More fundraisers here!
As soon as 50% of any of the fics are sponsored I will automatically start on them.
Drabble series-
Sweet and Sour- Ren Kaji x Fem Reader Drabble Series
Your the new girl in the city. You are tough, sassy, but don't know a lick about the gangs, and if your honest you couldn't care less. But something about Ren Kaji catches your eye. He may snap and bark like a feral dog, but you can see through it and he knows it too. Slowly, you become his sanctuary even though you are the one person he's most afraid won't accept him. And he thought he was past all that. (NSFW)
5.00 for full installment
Read Part One here!
False Immunity- Hiei x Fem Reader Drabble Series
Where Hiei learns the ins and out of human courtship. (NSFW)
Find Part One-Six on my masterlist here! 5.00 for full installment
Multichap Fics-
Flawed Hope- Astarion x OC (BG3)
Brit was a paralegal, someone who had a normal life and enjoyed what she did for the most part. Yet, the only true excitement she felt lately was when she played Baldur's Gate Three. A simple video game brought her more joy than her friends or fleeting romances. One night as depression crushes her she wishes to live one day in BG3. Her wish is granted, however the world of BG3 needs her far longer than her wish had originally intended. And the worst part? She does not get along with her favorite vampire in the slightest. (NSFW)
Read the first four chaps here! WC: 1961/4000
Falling for Frogs- Sebastian x Fem Reader (SDV)
You are game developer about to make their debut into the market. The world you are about to venture into isn't exactly friendly to those of the feminine persuasion and as such you have flown under the radar using a masculine alias online. After a complete mental break down at a very important convention in Zuzu you realize you need to get away from the city for a bit so you can finish your game. Your best friend who runs a farm in Stardew Valley invites you to come stay with her. However as you stay there and get to know the locals, you realize the cute boy you saw at the con is her neighbor. What's even worse is he remembers you and just to add salt to the wound, he's one of your Kickstarters. (NSFW) WC: 309/3000
Read the first three chaps here!
The Unseen and Those Forgotten- Dabi x Fem Reader (BNHA)
The age of the Greek gods is long past. Dabi is one of the few left, his name in the ancient days had been Hades. Now he skulks among the humans, as a deity at half strength. With the old gods dying, the new ones have taken control of the humans’ feeble minds. There is a storm on the horizon though, quite literally, the end of days is nipping at mortality’s heels and the key to unlocking Kronos’s resting place, the only creature strong enough to put a stop to the apocalypse, is you. Sadly you have no idea what part you will play, after all, you are just an office worker who has an affinity for plants.... WC: 0/2000
Find the first three chaps on my masterlist here!
The Hellebore Rift- Hayato Suo x Fem Reader (Wind Breaker)
The town of Makochi has changed and so have all the gangs within it. Gone are the days of allies and rival schools. Gone are the days of delinquents battling for top spots and coming home with happy smiles from good fist fights. Now the world has been ripped apart by rifts that tear the very dimensions in two, spewing forth gigantic blood-thirsty monsters. It has forced the gangs to protect only their parts of town from everyone. Even the civilians, even those they once called friends. With those rifts and monsters, humans were gifted with powers, yet everything good always comes with a fall out. You are one of those few, blessed with the ability to Guide, to save those Espers from the toxicity that their own powers created within themselves when they protect their parts of town. You live in a small section Makochi outside any of the gangs control with a scant few Espers to call your own… or well you did until the day Hayato Suo found you. WC 313/2000
(Chapter one just started)
Oneshots-
Dog Park with Megumi (no title yet)- You don't have dogs but you find yourself at the dog park everyday because you can't have pets. That's where you meet Megumi Fushiguro (NSFW)WC: 0/15000
A Bouquet of Deadly Thorns- Hanahaki Soulmate Gojo x Fem Reader
The world now is riddled with the phenomenon known as soulmates. You don't know yours but before you can even think about finding them, you must get rid of your growing feelings for Satoru Gojo, the only problem is they've grown suffocating and you've started coughing up blood and flower petals. (NSFW) WC: 3098/8000
Tetsuro Kuroo bar night (no title yet)- The first night you meet Kuroo he was celebrating with his friends who'd just won their volley ball game. You were drinking away your sorrows yet again from another shitty date. Fate had a funny way of making you forget things when he gets dared to make a move on you. (NSFW) WC: 0/10,000
My name in your mouth- Professional Poker Player!Suo Hayato x CardShark Fem!Reader Suo Hayato is well known in the gambling circuit, he strikes fear in all his opponents. Terrified that they will lose all the winnings and perhaps even worse to him. You however are a dark horse, a rising star lurking in the shadows among the tables, and you have the arrogance to back it up. You take Suo on and surprise him in more ways then one. But he's desperate to wrest back control from you and the rising sexual tension between the two of you gives him the perfect excuse. (NSFW) WC: 0/7000
Single Drabbles- 5.00 for a full drabble
Jo Togame festival day (sfw) - Link
Jo Togame the baths (NSFW) - Link
Nobara/fem! reader (jjk) (NSFW) shopping day, in the dressing room
Himuro tatsuya/male! reader (knb) (NSFW) pining, street ball rivals
Seishiro Nagi/gn!reader (blue lock) (SPICEY (not full nsfw)) comfort, lazy day, reuniting after long distance for a while
Sebastain/fem! reader (SDV) (nsfw) phone sex
Astarion/male!reader (BG3) (NSFW) dry humping, semi public sex Suo Hayato/fem!reader (wind breaker)(NSFW) overstimulation
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feralrabidcrow · 7 months ago
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My Merc LGBTQ Headcanons
Disclaimer: my headcanons aren't set in stone so these are like, what I assume them to be in the average fic I write unless stated otherwise. For example, usually I headcanon Medic as bisexual, but I might make him gay in an AU if I want to explore that instead. And I might make a merc I usually headcanon as cis trans if that's a story I want to explore with them.
Scout: Bisexual and hasn't quite come to terms with it yet. He has a strong preference for women, but being stuck living closely with a bunch of men definitely has him experiencing thoughts he never did before.
Soldier: Transgender and technically bisexual, but he thinks he's straight because he considers having sex with Demoman every night 'masculine male bonding to strengthen our manly friendship'. Demoman doesn't have the heart to tell him that yeah, it's pretty gay. He's trans because the hypermasculine American patriot named Jane Doe of all things is just Valve spoonfeeding transgenderism to me. I also like to entertain the idea that he's forgotten that he's trans (lead poisoning) and regularly breaks into the medbay screaming at Medic about how the communists stole his penis until Medic finally gives up and just gives him bottom surgery.
Pyro: Genderqueer butch lesbian who uses any and all pronouns.
Demoman: Pansexual, it makes no difference to him what gender his lovers are. I think he's known this for a long time too, no sexuality awakening that caused him any turmoil, just always knew that he didn't have a preference.
Heavy: Gay, and unlike Demoman, he definitely did not know until very late in his life. After joining Team Fortress, to be exact. After meeting Medic, to be exactly exact. Living in isolation for so long definitely stunted his ability to explore his sexuality. He had a 'crush' on a girl when he was about 6, but he only liked her because she had red hair that he thought was pretty. Looking back, it meant about as much as a crush when you're 6 can be expected to mean. He always assumed that the reason he didn't feel a desire to find a woman and settle down, like his mother always hoped he would, was because he hadn't met enough women to want such a thing, and if he did meet the right woman, that's when the feeling would click. Then the feeling ended up clicking instead with a maniacal doctor who liked putting black market zoo organs in him.
Engineer: Biromantic and sex neutral asexual. He always assumed he just liked women, simply because he didn't realize he could like both. After Medic told him that he liked both women and men, things started making a lot more sense. He can handle being in some specific sexual situations, but he refuses to be on the receiving end of anything, and exclusively gives.
Medic: Bisexual, reciprosexual/recipromantic. In simpler terms, Medic does not feel romantic or sexual attraction to anyone unless he knows for certain that they're attracted to him first. As a result, he has never made a first move in his life, and is also sometimes very bad at picking up on romantic advances unless they're extremely blunt.
Sniper: Gay, I don't really know what else to say he just gives me huge homo vibes. He probably got a mindblowing handjob from a bloke behind a Macca's that changed his life or something. Yes I think high-tech TF2 Australia that's basically a spoof of Wakanda still has Macca's why wouldn't they.
Spy: Bisexual, I'm going to be honest I don't spend a lot of time thinking about Spy's sex life but he definitely fucks men look at him just look at him. He's fucking men. And Scout's mother but also men.
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cal-daisies-and-briars · 10 days ago
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⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️⚖️
81 for ⚖️:
Under the cut for referenced suicide:
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The students who just arrived in the U.S. from abroad and don’t have a clear grip on the language or its colloquialisms. And when, in senior year, one of the girls they’ve targeted ends her life, they don’t give him the trouble he deserves. He gets only a suspension, and then his parents pack him off and send him to the military to learn some respect. 
He does well in the military. Adapts quick. Learns the right way to behave. How to work as a unit rather than an individual. He has an aptitude for it. Like he’s meant to thrive best in a pack of hungry coyotes, picking off suburban pets overnight. He quickly gets a stern verbal lashing from his sergeant for picking on other recruits in basic. So he changes. Learns to adapt his joking and his teasing to match his audience. Women. Queer men. Trans people. The immigrant populations of the people the United States is at war with. He learns who to talk around, and who not to. And it makes him friends, again. Friends just like him. And if he realizes that, deep down, he’s hurting himself, he puts that aside. It’s better to be liked. 
He’s in the fire station with Captain Gerrard. He’s in an inner circle. A favorite child. A good worker and the kind of man the captain likes. And he didn’t even have to save him from an errant saw blade to accomplish that. All he had to do was agree with bigoted takes and inhabit some degree of traditional masculinity. It’s all other white men like him at the 118 - a demographic he’s comfortable with. He’s constantly nervous they’ll think he’s gay. So he likes to deflect where he can. It’s for this reason, that when Howard Han shows up as the 118’s newest probie, Tommy is the one to make the first racist crack. 
Buck nearly flinches out of the vision at that. He writhes against it. This can’t be happening. He can’t be seeing this. He can’t be seeing Tommy isolate Chimney for months, following Gerrard’s lead and, at times, acting worse than him. He can’t be seeing the same treatment for Hen, exacerbated by her gender and sexuality. Why? Why wouldn’t they tell him? Why would they act okay with Buck dating him? Or did they try to tell him, and he couldn’t hear them? He doesn’t know. He can’t be sure. And right now, this isn’t about him anyway. 
He watches as Tommy changes his behavior. Adapts when he becomes the minority at the 118, as the team shifts and changes. He’s nicer. He’s kinder. His jokes are self-directed now. It’s all strategic. He does the same at Harbor, when he goes. And when he realizes there are a few other gay men on the team, well-regarded, he comes out. A good thing, finally. He’s different. But he’s not repentant. He was just doing what he had to do to survive, he reasons. He never thinks about any of it. 
He watches him date a few men. None of whom stick around. All of them encountering some sour piece of his personality and calling it off. He watches Tommy’s resentment grow because of it. Rejection stinging him the way he always feared that it would. Then he watches him meet Eddie. And Buck, granted. But it’s Eddie he notices. Eddie he wants. Eddie, who he adapts his personality to befriend. Who he pursues, even after hearing about Marisol. Who he finds every opportunity to get drunk, in Vegas or Los Angeles, just to see if what he expects is a face will crack.
One of the nights Buck sees, is the trivia night. When Buck was home with Christopher, while Eddie went out with Tommy to a bar. Tommy drives a very drunk Eddie back to his place. Offers him another drink. Relax, he says. Evan is with your kid, right? So Eddie accepts the other drink. Gets a little silly drunk, not knowing it’s a double shot. They laugh and chat and sit close together on Tommy’s couch, Tommy doing his best to make Eddie comfortable. Then, he asks. Would you ever kiss another man? 
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