#feralrabidcrowheadcanon

[feralrabidcrow]

Mercs with Access to Internet

Scout: He would be a content creator who just makes whatever he feels like without any consistency. His uploads would be like:

Rooftop Parkour

Pokemon Smash or Pass

I Made A Mistake. (Addressing the Pokemon Video Controversy)

Tom Jones Songs Tierlist

Minecraft Let's Play

Soldier: He makes political rant videos but no one can figure out what his actual political opinions or leanings are. He just kind of spews buzzwords and 'America' a lot while sounding very passionate. A bunch of people assume he's a parody account making fun of actual political rant channels but no it's just Soldier being Soldier.

Pyro: They make TikTok dance videos. In every single video something in the background is on fire. Occasionally you'll hear "Damnit, damnit damnit!" and see Engineer rush in with a fire extinguisher.

Demo: He makes one video tutorial on how to make a pipe bomb, gets all his accounts suspended, and ends up on a hundred different lists.

Heavy: He doesn't ever post anything anywhere but he likes to watch a lot of videos on guns. He also subscribes to cooking channels for new ideas.

Engineer: He would be one of those YouTube engineers like 'Michael Reeves' or 'i did a thing' who makes horrible abominations of machinery and technology. His viewers never know whether to be impressed, horrified, or a healthy mix of both.

Medic: Aggressively spreads misinformation online. Not just medical misinformation, anything. He isn't lazy about it either. He puts genuine effort into making his lies as convincing and believable as possible. He is actively trying to make people less educated. If you ask him about it he'll claim it's a social experiment but he's just doing this for his own amusement.

Sniper: All of his accounts are on private and have like 3 followers. He uses Facebook to keep in contact with his parents and that's pretty much it.

Spy: Doxxes people he disagrees with.

[feralrabidcrow]

I'm sure all of us are familiar with what happened to Heavy and Medic in the TF2 comics, particularly, comic #6.

They reunite after spending 6 months apart following the mercenaries being fired. Heavy has been living back in Russia with his family, and Medic has joined the TFC team, which has gone horribly.

Their reunion is in a less than ideal situation as Heavy is interrupting Cheavy from tearing Medic into pieces. Cheavy kills Medic, and Heavy completely loses his shit. He is determined to kill the man who killed his Doktor. To a degree that doesn't seem like avenging a friend, almost more like avenging a partner. Someone he loves deeply.

But then Medic comes back, and Heavy is just... weirdly casual about it. He goes from complete rage mode to "Ah Doktor it is good to have you back." No hug, no tears, just accepts that Medic is alive again. It almost feels like there is an awkwardness between them.

From a logical standpoint, this is just TF2 being TF2. The emotional moments in the comics are often quickly switched to a comedic tone.

But my Red Oktoberfest obsessed brain has latched onto this hard, and I have a headcanon that is now deeply ingrained into my worldview.

Heavy and Medic broke up when the team disbanded.

As much as I like the idea of Heavy and Medic keeping things going long distance and writing letters to each other, it doesn't make much sense to me logically.

This is something I've thought about a lot, to the point where I'm considering writing an angsty little one-shot about it.

I believe that when Gray Mann took control and fired the mercenaries, Heavy and Medic were left in a complicated situation where their interests no longer aligned. Heavy wanted to go back home to Russia and take care of his family. Medic wanted to look for a new job to continue his medical mad science endeavours. No matter what, if they were to stay together, someone would have ended up dissatisfied. After trying and failing to come up with a compromise, they decided the best thing was to go their separate ways.

But it didn't change the fact that they still loved each other. They went on to their new situations, with feelings of lingering regret and wondering what could have happened if they had stayed together.

When they reunite in the comics, this is the first time seeing each other since their painful break-up. They still care deeply for each other, hence Heavy instantly becoming protective of Medic when he sees him in danger. And when Medic dies, he snaps completely. He has thought about this man constantly since returning to Russia, silently hurting over the loss of the only real relationship he ever had. And now that man is dead. Of course he's going to lose it.

But when Medic comes back, he's confronted with the fact that Medic technically isn't his partner anymore, not at this point, anyways. In comes the awkwardness. He isn't sure how to approach this now. He and Medic have barely even spoken to each other at this point, much less talked about their feelings or their break-up.

I like to think shortly after the 6th comic ends, or sometime off-screen, they talk things out, resolve their issues, and maybe even share a lovely little reuniting kiss. But hey, that's just a theory! A game theory!

[feralrabidcrow]

What The Mercs Are Like Drunk

Scout: He gets super affectionate and sappy, going on and on about how much he loves all of the team and his brothers and his ma and everything else that he loves. He's also a total lightweight, to no one's surprise, and is usually the first to pass out completely when they're out at a bar.

Soldier: He's twice as likely to tackle someone for surprise wrestling, and thrice as likely to miss completely and fall flat on his face. He also gets much louder, which is impressive for a man as loud as him. He's noticeably clumsier, despite his efforts to hide it with overly confident movements.

Pyro: It's hard to notice when Pyro is drunk at first. The only real clues are if you listen closely to their mumbles, they sound slightly distorted, and when they walk, they stagger. Pyro doesn't drink nearly as much as the others, so seeing them drunk is a rare occasion.

Demoman: Drunk is his default state, the real question is how he acts when sober. (The answer is like a dying man.)

Heavy: Surprisingly, despite being the biggest guy on the team, Heavy is a lightweight with alcohol, and gets drunk quick. He's also a 'giggly' drunk, but with Heavy, giggly means ear-shattering guffaws that shake the building. He seems to find everything funny when he's drunk, no matter how mundane. He also gets clumsy, which can be dangerous when you're the size of a mountain.

Engineer: He hides it well when he's drunk, no one realizes he's had too much until he's falling out of his seat and throwing up. Engineer rarely gets drunk, as he's a bit of a heavyweight compared to the others, and usually doesn't drink to the point of drunkenness anyways. It always comes as a surprise when he's suddenly passed out on the floor.

Medic: He acts like his normal self, but dialed up to 120%. He's super chatty and giggly, telling gory medical malpractice stories with perhaps too much volume for a public bar. He loses pretty much all of what few inhibitions he has normally, and speaks his mind with zero filter whatsoever.

Sniper: He's a sleepy drunk, and usually passes out pretty early on. He loses his ability to speak coherently, only mumbling in a low annoyed voice. He also gets the worst hangovers known to man, so he avoids getting totally drunk when possible.

Spy: Spy would sooner die than get drunk around his team, because he loses control of his emotions completely when drunk. A large amount of the only times he has cried have been while drunk. He also goes from suave to the worst flirt you have ever seen, and he would rather save himself the embarrassment.

[feralrabidcrow]

What Languages Can The Mercs Speak?

Scout: English.

Soldier: English.

Pyro: Fluent in Spanish and English, but they 'understand' them more often than actively speak them. I headcanon Pyro as being Mexican.

Demo: Fluent in English and Latin, and knows a small handful of Scottish Gaelic.

Heavy: Fluent in Russian, with passable English. His English gets better the longer he's on the team.

Engineer: Fluent in English, with passable Spanish.

Medic: Fluent in German and English, with passable Latin. (Medic and Demoman Latin buddies you can't stop me they will summon all the demons together <3)

Sniper: English.

Spy: Fluent in French, English, and German, exceptionally passable Russian, Italian, and Spanish, and knows plenty of bits and pieces from various languages he had to learn a bit of for missions over the years.

[feralrabidcrow]

The Mercs Driving - Updated

So a bit over a year ago, I made a post about my headcanons around the mercs and their driving abilities. I figured it wouldn't hurt to do a new one! Only because I have been thinking about Scout and driving and decided okay the others can get updated too a bit. As a treat. Who knows, maybe I'll update some other old posts too.

Scout: A little known fact about Scout is that he knows how to hotwire a car. A logical assumption based on this knowledge would be that he can also drive a car. This assumption would be, in fact, false. One of his brothers had taught him how to hotwire, because you never know when you'll be in a tight spot and need to 'borrow' a car. He knows how to drive in the technical sense. He knows how to start a car, where the brakes and accelerator are, et cetera et cetera. But when he actually tries to drive, he's really bad at it.

I believe this is because Scout is small and agile, used to having a lot of flexible mobility. A car, in contrast, is a big metal machine that is very much not flexible. Once he's in a driver's seat, he loses all spatial awareness, and feels awkward and out of place. This is also why he can drive something like a motorcycle, because a motorcycle is small and 'agile' in comparison to a car. RIP Scout TF2 you would have loved Smart Cars. Anyways, in a really dire situation, he can technically drive. He's just really bad at it and is guaranteed to hit something. Traffic laws will be broken.

Soldier: Like Scout, Soldier is an abysmal driver. Unlike Scout, Soldier believes that he is actually a good driver. This makes him a much greater danger around any automobile. He has been known to steal the company van for undisclosed reasons, and it always comes back a little worse for wear. Sometimes when the van disappears, the car keys are still back in the garage where they're meant to be. Also unlike Scout, Soldier doesn't actually know how to operate a vehicle. He just pushes and pulls at things until the car moves forward.

Additionally, the only person who allows Soldier to ride shotgun with them is Demoman. Having Soldier as a passenger is only marginally less dangerous than having him as your driver. He's loud and disruptive, pushes buttons he probably shouldn't, and historically has caused most of the accidents where the driver was someone who actually knows how to drive.

Pyro: No one has seen Pyro drive, and they all assume Pyro can't drive, because they have no way of confirming Pyro can or cannot drive unless they put Pyro behind the wheel. Which is a scary idea in the scenario where Pyro cannot. But the truth is, Pyro not only can drive, but does drive.

It just so happens that by some weird law of the universe (cartoon logic), nobody has noticed this. Somehow, every time Pyro takes the company van out for whatever they want to go do, nobody has any reason to go into the garage and notice the missing vehicle, and nobody needs to find Pyro for anything.

Demoman: Demoman is probably one of the most average drivers of the bunch. He can drive perfectly fine, he obeys traffic laws, and he somehow gets by without any depth perception. However, he has to be in the sweet spot where he's had enough to drink to avoid withdrawal, but he hasn't had so much to drink that he's in a state of incompetence.

There's also the tiny issue that if he gets pulled over, he will automatically fail any breathalyzer test, no matter how much he's had to drink, because his body literally produces its own alcohol. So Demoman is rarely the driver for the full team when they have somewhere to be, and most of his driving is done on his own time.

Heavy: Heavy can drive, and Heavy will drive. But this does not mean that Heavy likes to drive. Because most vehicles are designed for puny baby men, and not giant men who can crush skulls in their fists. Having to be hunched over in a tiny driver's seat puts Heavy in a bad mood, and nobody likes when Heavy is in a bad mood. So he only drives when he absolutely has to, such as in cases where everyone else he is with is unable to drive, such as seen in Expiration Date, where he has to drive because he's with Scout and Soldier, who cannot.

Engineer: Engineer is all around good with vehicles. He knows everything about any automobile you could bring him, and if he doesn't, he'll just take it apart and find out. He can also drive just about anything, with perfect precision and skill. Being a tinkerer, he often takes the opportunity to 'operate' on whatever vehicle he has at his disposal.

This includes those that aren't even his, such as Spy's car. It however does not include Sniper's van, as his first and last attempt almost ended in bloodshed. Spy's car nearly went the same way, but upon seeing how much faster it could go with the upgrades, Spy decided to find it in his heart to forgive the labourer. Sniper was not so easily persuaded.

Medic: Medic never bothered to get a driver's license. It seemed like such a waste of time, to get something he would probably end up losing in the future anyways. If there's anything Medic has learned, it's that licenses are overrated bits of paper, and it's the actual skill that ultimately matters. He happily drives around in his makeshift ambulance, stocked with emergency equipment and small organ refrigerators.

If any police officer dares to pull him over and ask for his license and registration, well, who is he to say no to more free organs? Medic has also had a history of grand theft auto, a most notable example being when he stole a catering van with some doves from a wedding.

Sniper: Sniper feels most at home when he's on the road. He's lived in his van as long as he's had it, that being since he could drive. The van is practically his soulmate. However, there are times when he has to be away from her, such as when he's driving the company van for everyone else. He and Engie are the most common picks for driver, with Sniper being picked just a bit more often. He's especially comfortable driving large bulky vehicles. In another life, Sniper would have been well suited to the life of a professional truck driver.

Spy: Spy drives an extremely expensive cherry red convertible sports car that easily costs more than a house. The car also has the ability to turn invisible for a period of time, which comes in handy when you need to make a getaway. And of course, a broken speedometer, courtesy of Engineer. Spy also knows how to drive a motorcycle, drive a speedboat, and fly a helicopter, but these are skills he employs less often.

[feralrabidcrow]

How Old I Think The Mercs Are

This is more so just for my own reference, also some bonus characters. These are their ages in 1968.

Scout: 22

"The Naked and the Dead" takes place in 1972. In this issue, Spy reveals that Scout was conceived 27 years ago, making him 26/27. I know a lot of people take this at face value to mean Scout is exactly 27 but it does take 9 months to make a baby. Subtract 4 years, we get 22 in 1968.

Soldier: 47

This would make him about 18 around the start of World War 2, which I feel works well considering what the man is all about. I also imagine he claims to be born on the 4th of July, but it's more than a bit doubtful if he's telling the truth.

Pyro: 32

I don't have any evidence or argument for this one, it's just based on vibes

Demoman: 38

Once again, no real evidence or arguments for this one, based purely on vibes

Heavy: 45 Zhanna: 39 Bronislava: 35 Yana: 31

This is where I get a bit insane. Heavy and his family were sent to the gulag in 1941. Using the photo from "A Cold Day in Hell", I estimate Heavy in this photo to be maybe 18, Zhanna 12, Bronislava 8, and Yana 4. I also don't know how children look like at different ages at all so maybe I'm way off but those are my estimates.

Engineer: 42

It does take a long time to get a PhD, even more time to get 11, but knowing Engineer he could probably grind through them in no time. It's also stated that he spent 10 years in the Texas oilfields, so between that and the PhDs he isn't exactly young anymore, but not super old either.

Medic: 46/47

I know a lot of people headcanon Medic to be in his 50s or later, but this number is based purely on the very elaborate backstory I have for him. Besides, by the time we get to 1972, the time of "The Naked and the Dead", he would be 50.

Sniper: 26

New Zealand sunk 40 years ago in the times of the comics, and 10 years later Sniper's father tries to escape in a rocket, only for baby Sniper to get in the rocket instead and crash land in Australia. This makes Sniper 30 in the comics, and thus, 26 in 1968.

Spy: 48

Spy states he was young and foolish when he dropped a sex bomb on Scout's mother, so I think he was about 25 when Scout was conceived. Leaving him at 48 in 1968.

Miss Pauling: 24

I imagine she's only a bit older than Scout, but she has worked for the Administrator a long time, since she was rather young.

[feralrabidcrow]

My Merc LGBTQ Headcanons

Disclaimer: my headcanons aren't set in stone so these are like, what I assume them to be in the average fic I write unless stated otherwise. For example, usually I headcanon Medic as bisexual, but I might make him gay in an AU if I want to explore that instead. And I might make a merc I usually headcanon as cis trans if that's a story I want to explore with them.

Scout: Bisexual and hasn't quite come to terms with it yet. He has a strong preference for women, but being stuck living closely with a bunch of men definitely has him experiencing thoughts he never did before.

Soldier: Transgender and technically bisexual, but he thinks he's straight because he considers having sex with Demoman every night 'masculine male bonding to strengthen our manly friendship'. Demoman doesn't have the heart to tell him that yeah, it's pretty gay. He's trans because the hypermasculine American patriot named Jane Doe of all things is just Valve spoonfeeding transgenderism to me. I also like to entertain the idea that he's forgotten that he's trans (lead poisoning) and regularly breaks into the medbay screaming at Medic about how the communists stole his penis until Medic finally gives up and just gives him bottom surgery.

Pyro: Genderqueer butch lesbian who uses any and all pronouns.

Demoman: Pansexual, it makes no difference to him what gender his lovers are. I think he's known this for a long time too, no sexuality awakening that caused him any turmoil, just always knew that he didn't have a preference.

Heavy: Gay, and unlike Demoman, he definitely did not know until very late in his life. After joining Team Fortress, to be exact. After meeting Medic, to be exactly exact. Living in isolation for so long definitely stunted his ability to explore his sexuality. He had a 'crush' on a girl when he was about 6, but he only liked her because she had red hair that he thought was pretty. Looking back, it meant about as much as a crush when you're 6 can be expected to mean. He always assumed that the reason he didn't feel a desire to find a woman and settle down, like his mother always hoped he would, was because he hadn't met enough women to want such a thing, and if he did meet the right woman, that's when the feeling would click. Then the feeling ended up clicking instead with a maniacal doctor who liked putting black market zoo organs in him.

Engineer: Biromantic and sex neutral asexual. He always assumed he just liked women, simply because he didn't realize he could like both. After Medic told him that he liked both women and men, things started making a lot more sense. He can handle being in some specific sexual situations, but he refuses to be on the receiving end of anything, and exclusively gives.

Medic: Bisexual, reciprosexual/recipromantic. In simpler terms, Medic does not feel romantic or sexual attraction to anyone unless he knows for certain that they're attracted to him first. As a result, he has never made a first move in his life, and is also sometimes very bad at picking up on romantic advances unless they're extremely blunt.

Sniper: Gay, I don't really know what else to say he just gives me huge homo vibes. He probably got a mindblowing handjob from a bloke behind a Macca's that changed his life or something. Yes I think high-tech TF2 Australia that's basically a spoof of Wakanda still has Macca's why wouldn't they.

Spy: Bisexual, I'm going to be honest I don't spend a lot of time thinking about Spy's sex life but he definitely fucks men look at him just look at him. He's fucking men. And Scout's mother but also men.

[feralrabidcrow]

Made a height chart for my height headcanons, website I used is heightcomparison.com

[feralrabidcrow]

Merc Spice Tolerances

Eating hot chips and thought of this

Scout: It really depends on your definition of 'tolerance'. He'll eat super spicy food and put on a brave face, acting all tough and manly and strong like it's no big deal to him, but internally he's freaking out about how much it burns and the moment no one is looking he's chugging milk. He can handle more mildly spicy things fine, though.

Soldier: The man is a human garbage disposal, he'll send anything right down the hatch without even flinching. If it causes him any discomfort, he doesn't dare show it. He takes it like a true American and powers through.

Pyro: No one actually sees them eat because they disappear off with their food to eat somewhere private, but before they do they often load it up with all manners of hot sauce, so it can be inferred that for Pyro, like many things, food is better the hotter it is.

Demoman: Weakest stomach for spice known to man. It's as if he's allergic to flavour, the poor guy. Although it may have something to do with the fact that his stomach refuses to acknowledge anything that doesn't have at least a 50% alcohol content.

Heavy: For a guy who had basically no exposure to spicy food before coming to America, he's embraced the way of spice and has taken to experimenting with adding some heat to his own cooking under the guidance of Engineer. His own levels of tolerance aren't quite at the level of the Texan, but still impressive.

Engineer: He loves spice, and a lot of the things he cooks for the fellas has at least a little kick to it, to some dismay and some delight. While he holds back for the sake of the others, he's always adding something like extra tabasco to his own portion.

Medic: He used to have pitifully weak spice tolerance, but he's since been building his tolerance up, through less than natural means. He's determined to have the strongest tolerance of them all by the end of the year. For no real reason other than bragging rights. Why he has decided to make this into a competition, who can say, but he's certainly determined to win.

Sniper: The only time any of the mercs have ever seen Sniper shed tears was when he ate some of Engineer's prize winning super spicy chili. Nowadays, when Engineer announces he's making chili, Sniper runs for the hills to the safety of his van where he can eat something he knows won't kill his taste buds. Like unseasoned rabbit roasted over a fire.

Spy: As a man who has withstood all manners of torture, Spy can eat spicy food without as much as a flinch, but that doesn't mean he willingly inflicts it upon himself. He holds the belief that eating should be an enjoyable and pleasing experience, not tortuous and punishing.

[feralrabidcrow]

Can The Mercs Drive

Scout: He doesn't have a drivers license, but in like, a desperate situation, he would know enough of the basics to get a car to move. He would be absolutely horrible at it, though. And his probability of crashing is high. He loves riding shotgun in cars and talks about how one day he's gonna get a super fancy sports car and impress all the girls, but he's never going to get around to actually learning how to drive.

Soldier: He cannot legally drive, he should not drive, he should be kept as far away from a driver's seat as possible, and yet he has stolen the company van on multiple occasions to go get McDonald's with Demo. Most of the dents and scratches on the van are from Soldier. He is far too confident for his own good.

Pyro: Pyro has never been seen driving, it seems safe enough to assume that Pyro cannot drive, but also I think it would be funny if they could, they just never have because no one trusts them to. Imagining Pyro driving like, a massive monster truck with flame decals.

Demo: He can technically drive, it's just that most of the time he's too drunk to drive. If he manages to get sober enough to be in a state of competence, he's an impressively responsible driver.

Heavy: The problem for Heavy isn't driving, it's finding vehicles with driver's seats that he can comfortably fit into. His driving skill is pretty average, nothing special but he's reliable when you need to get somewhere.

Engineer: Not only is he able to drive just about any vehicle you put him in, he's the team's mechanic and loves to work on modifying vehicles. Spy was hesitant to let Engineer mess around with his car, but it goes a hell of a lot faster now so he can't really complain.

Medic: He knows how to drive, but he's not legally allowed to. Not that he would let that stop him. He has a makeshift 'ambulance' that he likes to drive around in, complete with organ fridges for emergencies. He also has a history of stealing cars, including a catering van from a wedding that came with a certain little dove.

Sniper: As a guy who lives in a camper van, he definitely can drive well. He's especially skilled at driving large vehicles. He's one of the teams go to drivers when they have somewhere they need to be, alongside Engineer.

Spy: He has an expensive convertible sports car that's his pride and joy. It's a total speed demon after whatever Engineer did to it, and he likes to go out speeding down the long roads in it. However, he doesn't know how to drive larger vehicles.

[feralrabidcrow]

Headcanon that Medic is always cold to the touch and it's because of his lack of a soul

[feralrabidcrow]

TF2 Sleep Headcanons

I can't sleep and I was thinking about this so enjoy my midnight ramblings about my blorbos

Scout: He stays up late and sleeps in later. And I bet he dreams of running a lot and kicks around a bunch like a dreaming dog. I just think that's really silly and so I'm sticking to it. He's pretty much dead to the world when he's asleep, and when he doesn't get sleep he's a massive pain in the ass, if you think he never shuts up normally you should see him when his mind has been running for hours on end and he's close to collapsing.

Soldier: He sleeps on a very strict military like schedule, waking up at the crack of dawn every morning to do role call. Basically everyone ignores him and goes back to sleep, but that doesn't stop him from doing it every morning anyways.

Pyro: Does Pyro even sleep? No one has seen them sleeping, but surely they have to sleep at some time, right? Pyro is the sort of thing where the less you know, perhaps the better...

Demo: It's hard to really determine how much time he spends actually sleeping and how much of it is passing out from being drunk. He definitely is not a morning person, that's for certain.

Heavy: Heavy sleeps like a stone, once he's out, he's out. However, he usually wakes up at a reasonably early time, not to the extreme, but perhaps an 8 am compared to Soldier's 6 am role call.

Engineer: He relies on coffee a lot, as he stays up late sometimes to work on his projects, but he also likes waking up early in the morning to watch the sunrise and just enjoy the early hours. Despite his not so many hours spent actually sleeping, he seems relatively functional, so good for him if he has a working system.

Medic: Medic is a horrible sleeper all around. For starters, he likes staying up late in his lab, and if he does actually go to sleep, he's a very light sleeper, it doesn't take much to wake him. Once he's up, he doesn't want to go back to sleep, because he thinks about all the stuff he could be doing instead. Also he snores. So badly.

Sniper: Sniper doesn't spend much time sleeping in his room at the base, he usually leaves to either stargaze or go sleep in his van instead. During the daytime, he's an opportune napper, he probably sleeps more at day than night when he gets the chance.

Spy: He has some big fancy bedtime routine ritual before he goes to bed each night, a big fancy bed with silk sheets, silk pajamas, all that fancy crap you just know it. In spite of all of this, however, he has horrible insomnia and often just hangs out in his office smoking late into the night because as much as he tries to, he cannot sleep.

some of these are more in depth than others I am very tired and can't sleep so I'm living vicariously through these fictional men who kill people enjoy

[feralrabidcrow]

I headcanon Miss Pauling as being into cameras and photography because she's overworked and I think the girl needs a hobby that she can somewhat fit into her work schedule. She got into it after having to take pictures of corpses for some record keeping. She takes pictures of the mercs sometimes after missions and although the first time she asked if she could, she was met with hesitation and some outright refusal, eventually everyone figured it would be nice to indulge her with her hobby because she rarely has the time for other pastimes. She gives the photos to anyone who wants them, and that usually ends up being Pyro, who puts the photos up on their wall decorated with stickers. Medic is covered in blood in every single photo he's in, regardless of if it makes sense for the context of the picture or not. It's better if you don't ask why.

[feralrabidcrow]

There are two wolves inside of me

The first wolf thinks that Medic takes freezing cold showers because he's the kind of little weirdo who would like that probably

The second wolf thinks that Medic takes scalding hot showers to practice burning in hell

A secret third wolf thinks he alternates between the two every day for basically no reason

[feralrabidcrow]

Okay so thinking about it logically, there is no way the TF2 universe's economy isn't fucked to all hell.

Spy's suit jacket alone costs 10k. That's 75k in today's money.

Heavy's gun costs 400k to fire for 12 seconds. That's 3 million dollars in today's money. To fire his gun for an hour straight without stopping would cost 900 million dollars in today's money.

It cost Medic 1.3 billion dollars to bring Sniper back from being dead. That is 9.75 billion dollars today. (Which is actually a pretty good deal for bringing back the dead when Heavy could come close to that price tag just by firing his gun for 10 hours.)

Obviously the true answer to this is Typical TF2 Lore Inconsistencies™, but I think it's funny to think about if something atrocious happened to the economy in this universe and money just has no real value anymore. After all, this is the same universe where Sex Bomb by Tom Jones came out sometime before 1972, and the second floor was invented before stairs but after rocket-jumping, by none other than Mr. Shakespearicles himself.

[feralrabidcrow]

Hello internet stranger! I have a headcannon question for you about the hit 2007 valve game tf2!

Do any of the mercs have a “major” incident (ex: Burning, breaking a window, illegal organ donations)? And what things have been banned from the base because of that incident?

Soldier's list for this is pretty long. Soldier is not allowed to use the microwave, Soldier is not allowed to drive, Soldier is not allowed to create a raccoon uprising, Soldier is not allowed to run around the base naked and covered in honey, Soldier is not allowed to tackle people without giving them fair warning, Soldier is not allowed to... et cetera, et cetera. Does he ever follow these rules? Certainly not!

Pyro's access to flammable material is heavily monitored when they aren't at work, and there's a fire extinguisher right outside their dorm room. Their walls are covered in burn marks, but with the diligence of a certain next door Friendly Engie, we haven't had a repeat of the Great Teufort Fire since '68!

The real reason why Medic operates without anesthesia is because no one trusts him enough to go to sleep on his operating table ever since Scout's liver and pancreas went missing after what was supposed to be a simple kidney stone removal. Of course, he replaced them with newer, better, probably less human ones afterwards, but not everyone is as eager to be a guinea pig as Heavy is!

Sniper isn't allowed to drive off into the wilderness for the weekend without leaving a note of where he's going, the first time he pulled that off there was a lot of chaos and Miss Pauling lost 3 years off her life stressing over why one of the mercenaries was just gone without a trace, meanwhile he just wanted to get away from it all and spend his weekend off camping. So much for 'be professional', right?