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boys will be like "haha of course I have my pistols" and it will be a bottled dormouse and a teratoma

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Stephen: someone drank the alcohol I was preserving a venomous snake in

Jack: will it kill him?!?!

Stephen: no >:(

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12.02 Mamma Mia

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SUPERNATURAL ✙ 4.01 LAZARUS RISING    – aired on September 18th, 2008

» best viewed in dark mode!

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this is the exact halfway point in 1.20 dead man's blood. it's also the first time we see dean stand up to john in any capacity. from here on, too, dean continues to hold his ground against his dad, and his defiance grows more confident and definitive.

the first half of this episode therefore represents the "status quo" of their family dynamic: sam is angry and defiant, dean is blindly loyal, and john is domineering. we get a sense of what life was like for them before the series began and how the family functioned. the second half, then, represents sam and dean's development. sam and dean are working more as a unit, and they demand to be treated as equals not only among each other but to their father as well. this half shows sam seeming to get meeker in a way now that dean is defending him (sam deflates falls back into a comfortable routine with john, his yessirs a vast contrast to dean calling him out and an even vaster contrast to his own shouting matches with john in the first half of the episode)—this is the dynamic they're working toward and have been working toward this whole season.

but this halfway point is so cool. because right after this moment, dean is left helplessly torn between two options:

sam gets in the impala, and john gets in his truck. the two vehicles become physical manifestations of the choice dean now has to make: john or sam? status quo or development?

he gets in the impala. he chooses sam.

but the cool thing about it is that the impala is dean's car. of course he was going to get in his own car. it's a no-brainer. but at the same time, this doesn't stop the impala from representing sam in this moment. what this means, then, is that dean never had a choice in the matter: he was always going to choose sam.

dean lacks narrative agency for the majority of season 1. he constantly defers to sam's decisions, and even when he does make decisions that would lead to significant development for himself (see 1.11 scarecrow, where he chooses to let sam have his independence instead of clinging onto him, signifying a massive step forward for his own sense of self and independence), sam inevitably shapes the outcome of those decisions, leaving dean in a position where he isn't actually choosing things for himself (and sam returns at the end of the episode, preventing the possibility of his growth and keeping him defined by his place in his family).

this moment in dead man's blood is symbolic of that lack of agency. dean is tied to his brother, doomed to choose him because it's the only real option presented to him. this isn't to say that's a bad thing by any means obviously, just that it's an interesting setup for his narrative arc. dean is set to spiral straight into sam's orbit, helpless to stop it or escape, and frankly he doesn't want to, either. sam is the center of his universe, after all, and choosing sam was what he was raised to do. sam is his everything—including the master of his story.

so when dean chooses sam and gets into the impala, there was never any other option for him. dean was always going to choose his brother, was always going to stand up to john and defend sam and himself, was always going to get into his own car. unlike sam, whose season 1 conflict is between his fate and his family, dean's fate in many ways is his family, and he has nothing to convince him off that path (indeed, the one time he does falter in this during season 1 is because he's again deferring to sam's decision to leave him).

and the best part about all of the whole metaphor, to me, is this:

sam is the one driving the car.

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i feel like the boys’ representation in “it’s a terrible life” is a really accurate and insightful look into how they work on an Instinctual level.

at first it seems like just a funny bit for dean to be the one dismissing the ghost thing, but dean wesson actually fits perfectly into dean’s personality. i mean, think about it. hunter dean is OBSESSED with the job. he lives breathes and sleeps hunting. he’s proud of who he is and what he does, and he enjoys being a part of something. this episode shows how that’s part of dean’s intrinsic personality. he needs order. structure. discipline.

sam is mischaracterized as ‘the emotional one’, but i think dean’s a lot more of a romantic than him. he likes the idea of a stable life, whether that’s hunting or a cushy corporate job. he wakes up at 6am everyday, has a distinct routine and a circle of friends. he does herbal detoxes and drinks frothy rice milk lattes.

life is a package for him. dean likes fitting in. he doesn’t like breaking status quo. he instinctively looks to blend in, whether that’s in a corporate environment or with his father and other hunters. dean likes the idea of family. connection. he needs people, people who are familiar and trustworthy. he’s very community/family oriented. he’s not a lone wolf.

but sam on the other hand, he’s intrinsically in tune with weird frequencies. he’s strange and he picks up strange things. he cares about people and appreciates connection but he values himself and his gut instinct more. he loves sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. he doesn’t give a fuck about blending in. he didn’t as a hunter so he sure as hell doesn’t in a goddamn tech support cubicle.

sam straight up tells dean that everything about this feels wrong. and you can TELL that dean feels it as well. sam tells him that he thinks he should be doing more, it’s in his blood, he hates everything about this fake life. but dean deflects. no matter how uncomfortable he seems he pushes it down in favour of predictably and routine. even if deep down, he knows its wrong, it takes him a lot more time than sam to admit it.

this shows that sam is more than ‘hunting bad’ and dean is more than ‘hunting good’. it was never about hunting. sam refuses to turn a blind eye. he WANTS to rebel. it’s his nature. he instinctively looks for things that don’t line up and he calls that out. he doesn’t care about the backlash. dean needs stability. he needs people. he needs to feel like he’s a part of something. it’s why he brushes off that feeling of wrongness so quickly at the beginning of the episode, because he’s willing to overlook some of the bad for the benefits.

it’s just like how hunter dean is willing to defend john, defend the grisly violence of hunting, and convince himself into thinking this is his only choice. sam refuses to do that. he instead latches onto that feeling of otherness and rebels even though it costs him family and familiarity.

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That scene in 1x20 Dead Man’s Blood was so insane.

Sam and John are butting heads like crazy since the instant they meet up and Deans just there in the background rolling his eyes and weakly protesting, “that’s enough you two”…”come on, knock it off”…”stop it, both of you.”

Until the second John puts his hands on Sam.

Sam and John are face to face, yelling, and Dean doesn’t even flinch–clearly this kind of confrontation is routine for them–until John grabs Sam by the front of his jacket. That’s all it takes and Dean is shouldering his way between them, shoving them apart. He places himself right in front of Sam and stares John down. Big brother has gone from calm to bristling in a second.

Before that moment, Dean’s protests have either been about both of them stopping, or about Sam needing to stow his attitude (“alright, you made your point, tough guy…Sammy, I mean it, come on”). He never singles out John’s behavior as the problem. Until he is forced to.

“That means you too” he growls at his father, leaning forward just a bit as he speaks and staring him down in a clear challenge. You want to touch him, you'll have to get through me.

Dean, who has spent the whole episode kowtowing to John, doing whatever it took to keep the friction down and the family together, suddenly loses patience. And it’s all to protect Sammy.

[Can't stop thinking about this..........]

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The flashback episodes make a lot more sense when you read them as altered through the lense of whoever's memory we're in.

1.18 Something Wicked is obviously from Dean's pov. It's shrouded in shame and guilt, which is why we see Dean doing things that don't make sense. I.e. throwing out the spaghettios. I just don't buy that Dean, even that young, even in the heat of anger, would throw out perfectly good food when the only alternative is to go hungry. But I think his memory of the entire night has been altered by his guilt for "allowing" Sammy to be put into danger because of his own distraction. It's all be rewritten into one big glaring "You messed up. You did x, y, z wrong. Dad was right to disdain you."

3.8 Very Supernatural Christmas, is from Sam's memory. It's been distorted by his feelings of alienation and being completely blindsided and learning the truth about his dad. Do I think Dean actually yelled in Sam's face to "never talk about mom"? Not really. I think Dean probably got irritated and snapped, but I don't think it was a big explosion. But Sam's memory is blanketed in the overall feeling of always being in the dark, of being constantly lied to and berated for his questions, so he reads Dean's reactions as harsher than they might have been in reality.

4.13 After School Special, another one from Sam's pov. It's pretty clear that Sam views Dean's teenage years as rife with delinquency and womanizing, which is why I think this episode is so discordant when it comes to Dean's characterization. Would Dean be a total asshole to a teacher on his first day when it's been hammered into his head by John not to draw attention to himself? I don't think so. Would he threaten to pull a kid's lungs out because they're tormenting Sammy? Oh...um, yeah. I think he probably would do that actually. Would he cheat on his girlfriend to self-sabatoge when they were becoming too emotionally intimate and he knew they'd eventually have to separate, anyway, and he'd rather be a jerk than face the hurt of perceived abandonment? Um...actually that one rings true, too. But I don't think he would be so brash about it, if that makes sense? Like I don't think he would have risked a big blowup confrontation in the middle of school. Mostly, however, the one that doesn't sit right with me is being pointedly and intentionally abrasive to authority when he knows he and Sam are a 17 and 14 year old living alone, and any misstep could have serious consequences for his family. Yeah, he's keeping his head down in the classroom.

7.03 the Girl Next Door, also from Sam's pov. I don't have much to say about this one, except for the fact that, seen through Sam's rosy lenses of bygone Romeo-and-Juliet-esque innocence, is makes Dean's eventual actions toward Amy that much more horrifying. I'm definitely not saying Dean was justified for killing Amy, but I am saying that if the episode wasn't colored by Sam's rose-colored glasses, then Dean's perspective would be clearer: Amy was a girl Sam had seen two or three times at the library, flirted with once, shared a single kiss with when he was 15, and hadn't seen for over a decade. I wouldn't have trusted her, either.

9.07 Bad Boys, even though this one is pointedly from Dean's pov, I do think it is the more accurate of all the flashback episodes. This is half because Dylan is the most convincing young!Dean actor, who brings the same nuance to the character as Jensen does, but also because it doesn't shy away from the cringiness of Dean's teenagehood like in After School Special. In After School Speciel, Dean is way too suave and sure of himself. Yeah, we know from context clues, it's mostly bravado, but I think Sam's memory inlays another layer of "coolness" to his older brother that we don't see in Dean's more stripped, honest memory of himself as a teenager in Bad Boys. His first kiss is downright embarrassing (as all first kisses are). The dorky awkwardness of that interaction is the kind of thing most people gloss over in their memories, but the fact that the episode doesn't hints to its authenticity.

15.16 Drag Me Away sucks ass honestly. It seems to skew marginally toward Dean's pov, but the only meaningful moment is Dean finding the pile of dead children and admitting to having nightmares about it for years afterward. Other than that, it's pretty hard to reconcile the caretaker Dean we know with Dean telling his 11-year-old brother he's too stupid for college. Idk, maybe I could read harder into it, but season 15 was super bland and uneven when it comes to characterization for everyone, and I just kinda ignore it.

2 disclaimers: I don't think any of the writers of these episodes intentionally distorted characterization according to whose memory we were in. I just like to fill the plot holes bad writing leaves behind with tiny pebbles and shiny things because I'm a crow.

Also, yeah, this is Dean!centric because almost everything in my life is Dean!centric.

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You think John Winchester beat/abused Dean into suppressing his sexuality? You're great at taking these canons apart on details--- would love to get your take on this.

Dean's inner workings are such a huge field of study! You're very kind, but I think a lot of his nuances are still beyond my grasp of canon. I bet there's tons to pick up on rewatching. I'll have a stab at it though!

I think Dean's father taught him that practical reliance and emotional dependence on anyone or anything but blood family is dangerous. That indulging his private feelings - any feelings - is dangerous. And that doing those things makes him a danger to others, to Sam, to the mission, and therefore would make him into a bad person; that Dean grew up convinced that he can't afford to let himself have - or need - affection, support, connections, community, obligations, or ties outside the hunting life, and only limited access to those luxuries within it.

Dean fell into line with John's rules of the road while Sam pushed back and got himself out for just long enough to see a different way of living life - one I'm sure a younger John Winchester, married to Mary and with their two young sons in the house, would have recognised as worth fighting for and protecting. Sam brings that back with him, and never stops trying to share that wider perspective and personal growth with Dean - never stops offering to listen or be emotionally supportive, even when Dean shuts him down over and over again.

I think Dean learned from his father - from his whole rootless and overburdened childhood - that other people have to be able to depend on him, so he can't afford either to feel weak or to be perceived as weak, for their sake. For survival's sake. The performative mess we find him in come the start of Supernatural is him trying to fit that with his adult experiences and needs. If he's wrestling at all with his sexuality in the middle of all that, I think it's far from being the biggest or most damaging of his issues.

Dean's basically a decent bloke with a good heart, full of love to give, smart, capable, and intrinsically strong, but his self-worth is completely tied up with this need to be a protector, the strong one. His baby brother actually has to spell out to him that, now he's an adult too, Sam can, will, and wants to protect Dean right back. Dean had no inkling that it wasn't a one-way street, which is heartbreaking.

John's white-whale revenge quest taught Dean that life is short, that there's no higher meaning or grand plan. That you don't get what you want, you get the hand you're dealt and have to play it. That it's his role in life to serve, and to die young doing it. He doesn't think he gets to plan a future, and has mixed feelings when Sam tries to do just that by going to college.

I'm not sure Dean's hiding or repressing his sexuality in particular; more that he's not dealing - refusing or unable to deal - with the whole area of intimate relationships that go beyond a fun one night stand. Of emotional and supportive relationships and people's need for those, period.

Dean looks at the comfort and support system available to other people with their lovers and spouses, and doesn't see a Dean-shaped vacancy anywhere, be it with men, women... or angels. Yet he wants it, or something that looks like it. He longs for family and home, and not only because it's something he knows he lost once. He's terrific with children, from the small ones up to the angry teens, so he knows instinctively how to give the kind of support and validation he denies himself - but does he even know that he finds those encounters rewarding? Is he even aware that it's a good thing for those relationships to be mutually rewarding? I'm not sure he lets himself think that way. Maybe it's just an itch he can't quite scratch?

The moment he has the opportunity he goes straight to Lisa and Ben and tries to make it work with that ready-made family. He remembers just enough of the time before his mother's murder to feel a pull towards 'traditional' family life, but it's like he's living a fairytale. He's waiting for the big bad wolf the whole time, waiting to flip back to high alert protector mode. Once the monsters touch his little family and shatter the bubble, he can't sustain the relationship. Lisa gives him every chance to have it on his own terms, but Dean can't do it.

My take is that Dean suppresses anything and everything that might give him comfort, peace, softness, or what others (including his father in vengeance mode) could perceive as outward signs of weakness. Talking about his feelings, about things he can't have, dwelling on and processing his feelings - that's what John taught Dean that weakness looks like. That unaffordable luxury of weakness. You get up, wash off the blood, keep your weapons in good order, and keep fighting until you can no longer fight. Dean denies himself anything that could be used against him or Sam, and for the longest time he thinks that's a good thing. Later in the series, he's learned enough to know that this kind of strength is brittle at best, and to be afraid of the consequences of stress-testing it too hard.

I think Dean doesn't even bother digging into what he wants and needs from a lasting partner. Into his feelings and sexuality, his ideas about couples, about hearth and home. It's not just that he's terrified of losing it if he has it: he's sure he'll lose it if he ever has it, because he's sure he doesn't deserve it.

I reckon Dean stopped exploring himself at a very young age, and learned to ignore his own needs and feelings beyond the limited avenues that got a nod and a wink from John Winchester. Being good at hunting. Taking care of Sam. Drinking. Driving. Polishing the roleplay and the hustle to stay under the radar. Taking care of Sam some more. Shut down everything else tight and keep a lid on it. Grab gratification where you can but don't ever try to keep hold of it or set down roots.

Dean lives in maintenance mode. Other than his brief idyll with Lisa and Ben, there's never a time when Dean doesn't feel he has to stay in that state of toughened battle-readiness. The only reason he's able to get close to Castiel over the long term is that Cas can join him in the fight, is willing to take Dean as-is without needing him to unbend, and can tough things out just as hard as Dean can.

I don't think John necessarily needed to pile on physical or targeted psychological abuse to shape Dean this way and make him equate processing and personal exploration with weakness. Just making the adult-responsibility demands he did of a child, and exposing him to the monsters and the killing and the awareness of how precarious life is, would've been plenty. I get the sense that if John had ever posed a danger to Sam through violence or drunken carelessness, Dean would've killed him. (For the first few episodes, I sorta thought he sekritly had!)

(Ask me again when I've rewatched Supernatural and my answer might be completely different!)

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supernatural [s4 + 5] // meet me in the woods - lord huron // watch on youtube

heads up: flashing from 1:29 - 1:35!

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there is actually something kind of endearing about Sam being so absolutely star-struck by Chuck... and it's also incredibly sad because of. well. the meta of it all.

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Forgive me if this doesn't make sense but

Dean understands himself. He is not drowning in internalized homophobia. He doesn't not know that he's into men. What Dean is, however, is a liar. He lies to everyone, all the time. I think this touches on the queer experience in a way we dont always see in media. We always talk about coming out and coming out scenes but why never talk about why we come out. It's because of how difficult the lying is. But deans lied about everything, all his life. Not just about his sexuality, or things related to hunting. But he lies (directly or by ommission) about the music he likes, the clothes he likes, literally everything, just to fit into this box of what everyone expects him to be. He understands himself, you just don't have the critical thinking skills to see past his lies, you take his word at face value even though the show has told you repeatedly that dean is a liar

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destiel - good luck babe

you could say it's just the way you are make a new excuse, another stupid reason

repressed cas truthers stand up!!!

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The haunting ancient Celtic carnyx being played for an audience. This is the sound Roman soldiers would have heard their Celtic enemies make.

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616 tony the type of guy to have repairs at his building and join the workers. Peppers like where the fuck is my boss meanwhile tony is hearing insane dad lore from the 50 year old electrician he’s now doing wiring with in the ceiling

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That scene in 1x20 Dead Man’s Blood was so insane.

Sam and John are butting heads like crazy since the instant they meet up and Deans just there in the background rolling his eyes and weakly protesting, “that’s enough you two”…”come on, knock it off”…”stop it, both of you.”

Until the second John puts his hands on Sam.

Sam and John are face to face, yelling, and Dean doesn’t even flinch–clearly this kind of confrontation is routine for them–until John grabs Sam by the front of his jacket. That’s all it takes and Dean is shouldering his way between them, shoving them apart. He places himself right in front of Sam and stares John down. Big brother has gone from calm to bristling in a second.

Before that moment, Dean’s protests have either been about both of them stopping, or about Sam needing to stow his attitude (“alright, you made your point, tough guy…Sammy, I mean it, come on”). He never singles out John’s behavior as the problem. Until he is forced to.

“That means you too” he growls at his father, leaning forward just a bit as he speaks and staring him down in a clear challenge. You want to touch him, you'll have to get through me.

Dean, who has spent the whole episode kowtowing to John, doing whatever it took to keep the friction down and the family together, suddenly loses patience. And it’s all to protect Sammy.

[Can't stop thinking about this..........]

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SVSSS: parallels - Shen Yuan and Yue Qingyuan

So! (back on my bullshit) I love love love all the parallels MXTX uses in MDZS and SVSSS, they are brilliant.

One of my fav parallels from SVSSS is 79 and Bingqui.

You have one outwardly calm faced (duck), protective older brother type and a manipulative, clever type. Then you introduce the betrayal (or supposed betrayal).

Initially Shen Jiu thinks Yue Qi died in the process of trying to rescue him. Then they meet again and to Shen Jiu's eyes Yue Qi has moved on with his life.

Shen Jiu sincerely thinks that his Yue Qi left him to rot in a situation that was his personal hell. (It's not the same as the Abyss. But.)

It is, from Shen Jiu's perspective, a huge major betrayal of everything. (Yue Qi is all he had and then it seems to him that he never had him at all. To someone as fiercely loyal, albeit in a very feral cat way, this is devastating and reinforces every single negative thing Shen Jiu has ever thought about himself or heard spat his way.)

Shen Yuan (or, probably the most Shen Qingqiu tbh) treats Luo Binghe well, fusses over him and is Luo Binghe's special person. Then he throws him away to the Abyss. Luo Binghe thinks Shen Yuan tried to kill him and we literally have the heartbreak points.

Then we come to the reuniting of these pairs.

And we have the person who thinks they were so cruelly betrayed ask them why.

And neither Shen Yuan nor Yue Qingyuan explain.

Shen Yuan can't really explain because of the system. Yue Qingyuan probably because of the trauma (possibly also he thinks his Xiao Jiu will just think he is making excuses).

The thing is, both Shen Jiu and Luo Binghe just want the barest excuse to forgive their favourite person. Just the barest hint that they are still loved.

It's heartbreaking.

The thing that redeems Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe is that they do actually manage to make it clear to each other that the love is there and get a second chance.

(They don't clarify anything on screen about the betrayal - but the actions don't matter. Not to Shen Jiu or Luo Binghe - just that they are still cared for.)

It just makes it clear that for the doomed pair, that perhaps if Shen Jiu had been more open to hearing Yue Qi out, or if Yue Qi had been able to articulate what happened on his side - that it wouldn't have been a doomed tale. Or even without that, that if they had managed to understand the other then they could have been happier...but that would mean a complete change of character.

(I guess my point here is that, in my eyes, Shen Yuan was never supposed to parallel Shen Jiu - for all that he took over his body - his narrative parallel is Yue Qingyuan.)