#IT’S FUCKING ALMOST 4 HOURS LONG
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No you guys don’t understand this math class is actually going to kill me
#IT’S FUCKING ALMOST 4 HOURS LONG#LIKE HOLY SHIT JUST BEAT MY HEAD INTO A BRICK WALL FOR AN HOUR THATBWOULD HURT LESS#this is not directed at the professor he’s pretty chill but like bro TOO LONG#FOR SHIT THAT DOESNT EVEN MATTER#WHEN WILL I EVER HAVE TO COMPLETE THE SQUARE OF A QUADRATIC FUNCTION 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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How did Ridley Scott and the entire team that worked on writing, editing and producing gladiator 2 sit there and go “ah, yeah, boys! This is the one” whatever drugs they were on, I want to be on them too so that I can live in de lu lu land too
#you have an outstanding line up of actors#some of the biggest faces in Hollywood rn#and you give them a script that fic writers would have turned into a masterpiece#professional writers were like yeah! this is perfect 12/10 script#and you have an insane budget for a film this big#and instead focus on senseless violence#and fucking CGI sharks and monkeys#and then pretend like you’re the Roman version of George R.R Martin and kill almost every single character off#with little actual plot or character development#where the emotion was just practically non existent#so when you killed off said characters it felt more like oh! he’s dead now ig#instead of OH MY GOD HE’S DEAD NOW?? WTF I LOVED HIM#an almost 3 hour movie and yet it was so fucking choppy and deluded#I looked up the writers for the film and no shocker here but 3 white men were involved in writing the script#pretends to be shocked#anyway#i rest my case#gladiator 2 was a total letdown#and that fucking directors cut better be 4 hours long#gladiator 2#gladiator ii#gladiator 2 spoilers#pedro pascal#paul mescal#joseph quinn#fred hechinger#connie nielsen#denzel washington#may calamawy
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Quick heads up: No progress report today, however... I will say there's a good chance the demo may be updated in the very near future. So keep an eye out for that. 😉
#redo; rewind if#i'm so excited!!!!!! bug testing is almost complete there's just a few odds and ends to check and a couple things i want to change#but other than that it's good to go!#i can't wait for bug testing to be done because holy shit guys i spend like 4 hours last night trying to resolve 1 (one) fucking bug#i still don't know why it happened or how i fixed it but it works now. so. that's good enough for me!#also found a sugarcube validator which didn't register the 4 hour long hellscape extravaganza as a bug#but it did help me find a couple little ones so that was nice
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BRO THE SEROTONIN
#DXM IS AN SNRI DID YOU HEAR ME I SAID DXM IS AN SNRI#despite having had maybe 4 hours of sleep in almost 60 hours (idek)‚#despite having felt like a human wasteland before i started dosing six hours ago‚#despite having been in one of the worst depressive episodes of my entire life this whole month‚#I FEEL GOOD‼️📢#i feel rested and refreshed and content!! I FEEL BASELINE OKAY THIS IS BASELINE OKAYNESS#i'm not even really *happy* i'm like when a sim's moodlet says ''fine''#but just feeling mildly comfortable and calm and at peace skyrocketed my affect to BASELINE OKAYNESS!!!#my god just being *not completely hopeless and despondent* feels like a warm bath or basking in the sun#it's like i can literally breathe easier. like omg i don't want to die 🥰#that trip was so mild and good. just very simple and lowkey and comfy. and now i feel like a human being again!#love you dxm i'm so sorry i called you a hell drug and expected you to fuck me up. it was a long t-break 😔#PLEASE let this be one of the trips where the antidepressant effects linger for a week or two afterward 🙏🙏🙏#personal#dxm#dextromethorphan#robotripping#robotrip#robitussin#drugs#drugs tw#drugs cw#tw drugs#cw drugs#drug tw#drug cw#suicide mention#depression
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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ugh it's so disgusting being told explicitly that the company I work at are making an exception for me cause I've been so dedicated and have a "high efficiency", basically like saying: "You're one of the good little mentally ill people".
#and then the great privilege I've been granted is 4 paid hours a week#after working for them for free for almost a year#it sounds like I'm being really dumb doing this but it's a whole process that's actually only vaguely connected to the specific company#doesn't mean that they're not the biggest retail company in the country who has benefitted from me working there for free though#but like give people opportunities to earn money during their internships#even when they dont have a fucking high efficiency#dumbass corporate stuff#getting free workers while the state pays and acting like they're the ones doing a favour#if I didn't like the people that I actually work with who have nothing to do with big shot company stuff#I would've been out of there a long time ago
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home from work
#if I speak…#one of the girls walked out yesterday#the best worker we have is on the verge of blowing up on this bitch’s leaders bc since he can do everything quick and efficiently already#they’re putting 3 to 4 ppl’s workloads on him to see how far they can extend his worth and then they’re over his shoulder the whole time#micromanaging him so today he almost lost it and was literally walking around mumbling about his disrespectful they all are (facts)#and how if they don’t think he’s doing it right then they can do it and I know for a fact one of the ladies heard him#bc he wasn’t even trying to hide it at this point and like this dude is cool he has a lot of patience and helps out any way he can#so if HE’S on the brink of snapping then the rest of us don’t stand a chance LMFAO#anyways today was a fucking mess those leaders know nothing about our store yet so they have us making less than what we need until we need#it so we get behind constantly and they made prep a disaster bc again they think they can just prep a bunch of stuff in the morning#and it’ll last the whole day and yes that works in theory but the reality of the situation is every day is different and today#we sold double what we did yesterday so they had to move me to prep to fix their mistakes bc we were running out of stuff 4 hours in lmfao#and I’m the only one left who knows how to do everything on prep bc the other girls had never done it before#we’re supposed to prep 20 mac n cheese trays in the morning for the whole day#we open lunch at 10:30 tell me why I go into the cooler at 12 put more in the oven and there’s only 5 left#it’s been less than 2 HOURS and you’re already running out of macs which means those idiots prepped barely anything just to try and save mo#*money to cut down waste but that gag if you’re losing money bc now you’re short on everything and customers are leaving bc they’re having#to wait a long time for their food#and macs take 40 minutes to cool LMFAO#I get over there they’re out of parfaits they’re out of fruit cups they’re out of kale salads the front is coming in and having to take#stuff as I make it bc they keep getting orders and it’s all just a fucking mess#I have to make a custom wrap and what happens?? those morons didn’t pull the flatbreads out of the freezer like they’re supposed to every#night so now we have no flatbread and I had to run back there and put them in the warming drawer to defrost and we lost an order bc I had#nothing to make the wraps with <3#I go back there to get more cold chicken SPOILER ALERT they didn’t have anyone make any this morning so now there’s no chicken for the wrap#and salad and it has to be grilled and then chilled for 2 FUCKING HOURS before it can be used#they’re a fucking disaster like 😭#was the store perfect before?? ofc not but it ran quickly and efficiently as it should and now it’s literally just a mess#this bitch hasn’t even owned it for a full week yet and has already fucked it all up#womp womp!!!!!!
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Person A: Do you want a beer? I’m paying.
Person B, going through the restaurant’s menu: No. Ugh, where’s the good stuff?
Person A, half jokingly: I thought you were an alcoholic.
Person B: Exactly. I’d need at least, like, four beers — without food — to get slightly buzzed, and my stomach can’t fit over 2 beers in it. I’m small. I’ll have a rum, neat.
#source: me#incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes ideas#incorrect quotes prompts#tw: drug mention#tw: drugs#i used to be so small when all i did was heroin and ketamine. since i started drinking (i only started drinking every night because the-#-opiate withdrawal was so fucking bad alcohol was the only thing that kept my legs from kicking all night long and my skin from feeling-#-like it was on cold wet fire somehow)#anyway. when all i did was opiates ™ i was like 45 kg and i’m 165 aka 5’5 like i looked like a sickly model#now it’s only been a month drinking and not doing morphine or some shit and i already gained 12 kg it’s insane i’m like almost 60 kg now#i’m queueing this for a month from now so hopefully it’ll have been 2 months when this gets posted#and like i say i’m an alcoholic cause i don’t think it’s normal to drink like 5 nights a week but i’m not chemically dependent on it like i-#-was with opiates like i’m sober half the time. ive never done surgery while drunk for instance. there was this one time i had just had 4-#-shots in the bathroom in secret cause i was having a panic attack and didn’t know what else to do but anyway.#and they asked me if i wanted to close up on a tubal ligation and i passed on the opportunity even though i was Fine bc idk i just didn’t-#-feel good ab it. which is more than i can say for my professor tbh#like some other medical intern said ‘wow it must be so hard having to be On Call 24/7. like i bet u can’t even drink’#and he said ‘oh come on surgeons have lives too. in fact i drank more than a few beers just a few hours ago lol’ and proceeded to cut-#-someone open#anyway. yeah. i don’t get drunk at work yk#felt like i had to make that clear
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i feel like such a loser eating instant noodles for dinner (TWO cups because goddamn it its NEVER enough) is this what my trio eats on a night to night basis. now i know DAMN well horror's complaining about eating this shit. killer wouldn't even let his cool down before eating and then acts surprised when dust and horror point out the fact that he can't chew properly anymore (GODDAMN BODY HOLDING HIM BACK ONCE AGAIN.....)
dust my normal king dust my only mildly smart king. you will always be the realest. the only one that considers paying at restaurants (although he probably ditches that idea bc killer's right ditching IS easier! and less money out of his brokeass pocket. alright horror let's steal as much food as we can by shoving it into your skull!)
#HOW THE FUCK DID IT TAKE 4 HOURS TO DO BASIC GODDAMN LINEART#AND IM NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE MINI COMIC!!! ITS ONLY 9 PANELS LONG??????#WHAT!!!! I TRULY DO SUCK!!!! now i deserve this cup of noodles ugh#i LOVE microplastics 💙💜❤️#icloud thinks it can keep asking me to accept these new terms of service#i know your conspiracy. you plan on eating me once i agree#anyways ALMOST DONE WITH LINEART FINALLY FUCKING GOD#my neck hurts so much i feel like i've aged 70 years bro#time to mix egg into the noodle soup and microwave it :3#tricule rant
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#HISSING SCRATCHING SNARLING BITING MY PHONE ISNT WORKING I HATE MY PHONE PLAN SO FUCKING MUCHHHHHH#back in the states tho!!! (derogatory)#staying with my dad for a bit longer than expected while he helps me out with grad school stuff. but i love miami and ive missed it#so im happy to crash on his couch for a bit while i get some stuff done here#only issue is my phone now simply. doesnt work off wifi. just bops between SOS and E and roaming and nothing#spent 4 hours at the carrier's today and i have to go back again tomorrow for god knows how long#so uhhhhhhh please send some prayers that my phone works tomorrow bc if not im gonna!!!! end up on the fucking news!!!! :D :D#sorry for the radio silence but i am alive i am almost done with my travels and i am nearing the end of my sanity but we persist!!!!!!!#mwah mwah kisses and smooches to you all please keep your fingies crossed for my phone and meeeeeee#personal
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I don't know why I put off watching RRR for so long it FUCKS
#i think because it's so damn long but if i can watch a full season of bridgerton or whatever i can sit through almost 4 hours of a movie#rrr movie#the dance scene alone is just bonkers but i'm not even halfway through#narratively i'm intrigued by the movie's structure cuz i think it follows a standard 3 act thing they're just long as fuck
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I wish I wasn't so exhausted and I could make more art.... I even planned out a whole prompt-a-day month for Saigenos/Genosai, TWICE, but the first time no one seemed like they could participate when I asked about it, and the second time I friggin lost the damned plan. I could remake it a third time, but I just....I don't know.
I've been really struggling to get along for a while, and I think if it didn't hit it off--or even if I just got really productive and it seemed like I was reaching crickets--I'd be so incredibly discouraged that it would bring me down even further. It usually takes my stuff a few months to a year to get reach, and that really doesn't do anything for me when I need the support immediately.
It's not that I don't have a billion ideas for so many different things, but my battery has been taking longer and longer to charge up and it's been running out faster and faster, and it's been like this for....a year?? Ish?? Maybe longer, I don't know.
I wish I could just stop needing so much fucking time to bounce back.....
#written from my bed as I'm almost crying from exhaustion and hopelessness#I'm PMSing and I had a really tiring day so i know this feels worse than normal#but when you've been struggling to fall asleep for months because waking up means being disappointed in yourself#for everything you failed to do the day before and everything you know you're going to fail to do again today#it's really hard not to feel like shit about yourself#trying to be constantly hopeful but never living up to your expectations#and then the few times that you do you completely crash for days#and then the only way to not crash is to have your big accomplishment be 'i went to the gym' 'i took a shower' 'i answered a message'#and just. again#to have the be the way you're living for months and months and months#it's so embarrassing to admit how little i can do and it makes me so ashamed knowing how much I've done and see what everyone else around me#is constantly doing#and then when i do share things it just kind of dies off because I've been too exhausted to maintain most relationships#which ALSO makes me feel like absolute fucking shit because i think people think i just don't care about them#when it's really that it takes me hours to get out of bed and I'm lucky if i remember to eat before 4#and I hate so much of myself and see it as such a huge waste of time that it uses up almost all the energy i have to take care of myself#but if i don't do it I'll just hate myself even more#i know i keep on complaining about this but I'm. I'm trying to fix it#i have BEEN trying to fix it actively for so fucking long#but it's.....i think I've stopped believing anything i do has significant worth and it makes it hard to keep trying#and i know people will read this and say take something for it but when you're only interactions with medications and drugs#are one experience that scarred you so bad you didn't go to the doctors for ten years and one experience so bad#that you couldn't even explain it at first without HARDCORE disassociating#it's hard to convince yourself that anything will ever be any better and that it won't make everything intensely worse for years
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Apparently my mom shares trans memes on her facebook, which is… cool I guess? But she also still posts old pictures of me all the time
#mine#i’ve even talked to her about this and she got really upset and said she spent hours going through all her old photos of me#and only keeping ones where i looked ‘masculine’#but. they’re absolutely not.#and i mean i’m glad my parents are supportive enough that this is the shit that pisses me off but i’ll be damned if it doesn’t piss me#the fuck off#well ok worse than this is what my dad does#which is basically to only acknowledge it when i’m about to make a big change and he sends me a text#saying ‘hmm i guess you’ve wanted this for a long time huh :(‘#and also still not gendering me ever even though it’s been almost 4 years#like ok he’s not misgendering me but he awkwardly interrupts his sentences to rephrase them to avoid using pronouns#or if he gets really stuck he uses they/them which also pisses me off#it’s this shit and a thing that happened over 2 years ago (!!) at this point that make me feel like i don’t fucking pass ever#and everyone only ever genders me correctly to be nice or patronizing#i still get shocked when strangers gender me correctly (which is basically 100% of the time for the past 3 years)#but that’s really mostly because of the thing that happened 2 years ago#it literally makes me feel so deeply sick when i think about it like i genuinely feel ill#i still have nightmares about it lol#um. i realize i’m being vague but it wasn’t anything actually bad. just some stuff a friend said to me#and then said again and then continued to make it worse by saying more stuff#anyway that’s enough for now#hey if you just clicked ‘see more’ on the tags and saw this huge wall of text don’t bother reading it k
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I appreciate that John Wick 1 was like, oh, an action film, hmm. Okay. Then for every film after that, they were like "Well, we just need a vague plot and we'll let the actors madlib some yeahs and some huhs and we don't really need a screenwriter for that, right? So all that extra money can go to hiring a human-sized swarm of moths to be the DP?" And they did.
#the home depot lighting aisle is the john wick cinematographer's happy place istg#like i know the fighting is theoretically the point because this film was by and for stuntpeople#but if you look at the sets and the lighting 90% of the fights are clearly just an excuse for everything else happening in the shot#i'm kicking myself for not seeing No. 4 in theaters when it came out#a bunch of reviews were like 'diminishing returns' and 'interminable fight scenes' and it's almost 3 ass-numbing hours long#but jesus christ the fight in the abandoned house on the way to sacre coeur#you're only supposed to be paying attention to the fighting in the fight scenes for three minutes tops#the rest of it is for admiring the flawless shot composition you heathen fucks
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>.>
#oh the joys of waking up at 4am to write a meta-sort-of-ficlet just to prove a point to myself#it’s almost 8am now and I am pissed#I’ve written an entire meta for a chapter I will not post possibly for another 6 months?? am I insane??#the chapter is written already and I was trying to figure out how long I wanted the end notes to be#then I fell asleep and YGG herself came knocking on my door saying: hey bitch time for yapping#so yap I did#for almost 4 fucking hours I yapped by myself on ao3 drafts#I’m glad I did bc I needed to get it out of my system but now I’m missing at least an entire ophour of sleep D:#*hour#so :)#:)#I’m gonna do a bad thing :)#and take a morning nap :)#since I went to vote alright yesterday :)#so I don’t have to leave the house :)#unless my family comes to wake me up 😔#they don’t know I’ve been awake since 4am D:#just a little nap I promise >_>#I’ll update you on how long I’ll have been conked off I promise#bye peeps! have a great day :)#sneaky niki
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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