#I'm so tired of life today
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Hi again, people of tumblr!!! I've been mostly away this last month due to some personal issues, but now I'm back, I guess, and trying to get in the mood to post regularly
Anyway, here's a young and old (book)Alicent in Tudor Fashion. I started doing the young alicent and decided to use green (though that wasn't intentional), and then thought about her older version actually dressing in her house colors.
My headcanon is that this would be a very popular style(especially the big sleeves) in the mid Jaehaerys reign when Alysanne was at court, as was Alicent's mother, and when Ali was younger she would dress in this style to mimic her late mother's fashion to bring her some comfort, and that helped Jaehaerys feel closer to her because she reminded him of his deceased daughters/wife, so this was all a big "nostalgic friendship"
#alicent hightower#asoiaf#fanart#valyrianscrolls#house hightower#a song of ice and fire#the dance of the dragons#The greens#pre asoiaf#fire and blood#I'm so tired of life today#but I'm forcing myself to actually do something#good news is that I actually finished a few wips#I got to admit to myself that I'm really fond of that belt/chain on older Alicent#I found about this real-life green pearl called peacock pearl#which is the prettiest thing ever
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dadkarios doods sponsored by my stress migraine
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#galemance#dadkarios#gale dekarios#tav#and ft cyra's fancy cane!!#the only thing that got mabel into the world was cyra knowing she couldn't kill gale until it was over#and of course she's just a smaller version of gale bc life isn't fair#i'm so fucking TIRED bc i had a job interview today and my body has just come down from being in panic mode all week#these were almost done days ago but i was in a Lot of pain and we didn't have any painkillers
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does anyone know how to stop the body from keeping score? i have shit to do
#i have shit to do but i'm so bad at both going to sleep and staying asleep that it's been fucking up my life for years at this point#yes this about accidentally sleeping through class this morning but in my defense i had an atomic tummy moment at like 6 am :( which is#kind of my point? an reason for missing sleep shouldn't stop me from participating in my own life and i'm tired of rationing my waking hours#if sleep was optional i would be unstoppable essentially but alas. alack even. specifically a lack of sleep.#girl all the saints have it out for me today for skipping church on a holy day of obligation i guess. well fuck those guys.#a post
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[ID: a digital drawing of Hunter and Willow from the owl house based on the "lesbians doing makeup" meme. Hunter is lying beneath Willow, who straddles him while doing his makeup. He looks at her somewhat dazed and she looks at him fondly. the background is a mid-tone blue. End ID]
This is what they are. To me
#the owl house#toh#hunter toh#willow park#huntlow#this the. 3rd? huntlow meme redraw I've done?#it's fun okay?#yesterday and today were pretty okay but they left me WIPED OUT and this was all i could make lmao#i probably could've spent more time on this but also it was just a silly meme redraw for fun lol it doesn't have to be the mona lisa#<- saying that through gritted teeth btw. it does not have to be the mona lisa#man I'm even too tired for tag rambles i do not have much to say#i will say that i contemplated doing this with amity and willow instead but I'm not super huge into them romantically#hence i figured that as much as i love the off-screen makeover Amity gave willow in s2 (that i lowkey wish ppl did more with)#I'd prefer to indulge myself this once lol#she's gonna give him red eyeshadow i think :]#i was gonna try and draw each of them with more makeup but it straight up didn't look right in my style lol#so uh. just imagine#okay i gotta go listen to music like my life depends on it hope u guys enjoy
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I owe myself an apology for letting you treat me like that
#selfharn#depressing shit#tired of life#mentally exhausted#anxi4ty#lonelly#tw self destruction#being alone#fake love#mental instability#mental ill health#mental disorder#i relapsed today#mental illness#sadnees#i'm sad#sad quotes#sad thoughts#heart been broke so many times#heartbroken#heartbreak#mentally tired#numbness#left alone#anxitey#loner life
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questioning sexuality is so exhausting
#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason#someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage#and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk#but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself#i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it#and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately#this isn't entirely related but it kind of is#like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know#i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are#queer stuff tag#i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as#the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing#ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded#also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him#i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know#i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever#care for me#now im rambling. sorry
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transfem scott getting lots of support from ramona and kim in the early 2000's when shit's very taboo but they all 3 have a fire forged bond and lord if they aren't going to make sure they're all as happy as they can be because they've come this far and I dunno it just makes me happy all three of them
YES YES YES
It makes me very happy as well,,
Like I've said before. General Trans Scott enthusiast here- I love the idea of their little support network *violent coughing* I (we?) mean polycule *violent coughing* so fucking much.
Ramona I think has a bit of a more gentle hand with reassuring Scott with gender issues, but sometimes she just can't help herself from some pointed banter or teasing- how could you with someone so dense? (Said w affection)
And then Kim I think is more blunt. But like, in a good way mostly, you know? The kinda blunt that makes you snap to attention and go "Oh. Yeah that was silly of me." And if Ramona's started some sort of banter? Kim is SO piling on. Maybe sometimes she's a bit TOO blunt with it- but it's only because she's so firm in her support. She wants Scott to Get It Together- and be happier for it. So if some ribbing now and again is in order, then goddamnit she will do so! Anything to crack that shell.
And ohhh can you imagine how they would react to some transphobic bullshit?? Unholy terror would be driven into the offender before they walk off with an absurd amount of coins between them. I can feel it in my bones. Scott doesn't even have to lift a finger (if the transphobe is even noticed/processed at all, bc I honestly can see Scott just. Not realizing someone's being transphobic.) Kim giving someone a lashing with her tongue as distraction and then Ramona coming in with the hammer- BAM! Free Money! Paying literally with your life for your transphobia. A Better And Just World.
And of course (transfem Scott more specifically, here,) the way Scott would start to flourish under their support... cagey and maybe a little (perhaps a lot-) resistant to start- but Kim's blunt affirmations and no nonsense attitude for bullshit (which is what Scott insisting on "being cis" would be, c'mon now,) and Ramona's also low bullshit tolerance but less Stabby (bc I won't lie, that's probably how Kim's comments would feel,) assurances? Ough... My Heart... Be Still-
I would Kill for them, Your Honor-
(Ran out of tags so putting this in the body of the post- I am SO tired someone pls sound off if this isn't as coherent as I am hoping this is. I WAS trying to nap and get the extra sleep I desperately needed but the writing bug... it Bit Me.... only a little but enough to stop that process-)
#for my trans masc scott hcs I am actually so seriously and deeply fond of Kim having been SO supportive of Scott in HS. It's so important +#+to me. it also makes their whole relationship sting a little more but ohhh man. I can just see Kim hyping him up and helping him get more+#+comfortable in his skin. Lisa would definitely help there too imo but just. ahhhhhgshcksjdhg#i need to put some transmasc scott hs stuff on my fic docket. but I have so many wips rn x~x pray for me chat#(literally stopped writing something to answer this dhdjshdjdgw I Am Part Of The Problem-)#as always to people looking for transfem scott stuff I point you towards Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Egg on AO3- as well as Amy +#+Pilgrim's Precious Little Life (also AO3)#the second has 2 chapters out currently but I believe the 3rd is definitely underway! and then the first has 22 chapters out currently and#+I believe part 3 has just kicked off w that latest one#you've seen some of the authors here before I'm like 99% certain- even if you may not have realized it lol#headcanons#scott pilgrim headcanons#sp comic#spto#spvtw#ramona flowers#kim pine#scott pilgrim#sckimona#(not putting it into ship stuff but like. Definitely what was on the mind)#trans headcanon#trans scott pilgrim#ooc#asks#anon#gmorning all btw. i am still So Tired. I'm gonna try and maybe make more icons today if anyone has any requests? or otherwise I do have +#+some shippy stuff I need to get done. ninjastar edits. vague lukim thing potentially. kinda wanna draw more furry kimona--#i could do furry sckimona..... h m m m m.....#we'll see what happens! admittedly i do also have some Gaming Plans later today and I am helpless but to allow the monopolization of my tim#(fellow lesbians out there will Understand /hj) (if the person i would prefer to have not read that read that Politely Ignore pls-)
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"The days of crusades are over" might wanna re-check that, Lamb.
(referencing this post)
He might not be a fighter in this life, but he definitely has the soul of a fighter.
Or: Five once-gods are reborn in mortal bodies but still have divine souls and some heretics and wannabe-gods might wanna capitalize on that... and the once-Bishops are not the warriors they once were. But that doesn't mean they can't be again :)
Also seeing Narinder without his head covering, yes he has a sun and moon piercing. Wonder why he felt compelled to get those <3
(where did Narinder get a scythe? Where did he get one he could actually carry? Hmm )
#cult of the lamb#justa arts#narinder#the lamb cotl#aym cotl#baal cotl#reincarnated au#<- it needs a naaameee#was this an excuse to draw priest!Narinder bloodied and bruised with his robes ripped up? Maybe#not pictured here but I'm too tired to draw rn: Kallamar rushing over just in time to catch him as he passes tf out#also see: Narinder finding himself in chains in his new life but instead of putting him there the Bishops are the ones who break them off#forgive the perspective/bg being severely off I am tired. had my math final today so brain tired#I like to think Narinder and the Bishops retain their divinity to some degree. Namely in the soul#I can't imagine being a god for thousands of years wouldn't have left its mark#so anyway you wanna overthrow the current sole god of the world? kidnap the old gods and... what then? well#find a way to tap into that divinity :)#sketch#cw blood#<- it's sketch and non-detailed blood but still#.... I am. weirdly happy with how his scythe came out
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....
#I don't usually write posts like this#But#Feeling so fandom sad today#Everywhere I look#Discourse discourse discourse#And it's not that I mind fandom critique#There should always be a place for it#But most discourse I see isn't critique#It's just factually inaccurate rage#Hypocrisy dressed up in preachers robes#As someone who usually traverses every corner of fandoms#Shipping and non shipping#Source material vs adaptation#M/M + F/F + M/F#You can see the big picture#And how people get lost in their own mythologies about fandom#And won't listen#I fear I'm going to have to start utilising the block button soon#And I hate blocking#Cutting an entire person from your life over one thing#When you could have myriad of othet things in common#Seems so damn stupid#But I'm so fed up#Anywho#Going to go play in the real world#Will probably feel better soon#Just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr#Thank you for allowing me to vent#Hugs to my beloved tired mutuals who just come on here and do nothing but spread the joy#Windswept rambles
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...😭
#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one#the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all#i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today#as i was absolutely useless today#and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭#a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭#and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional)#i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again#i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again#i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it#i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn#and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now#also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely#and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends#for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations#on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed#i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely#please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby
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Princess Monoke reference anyone?
But fr just a silly (non-canon) doodle of Dust and Reaper's first encounter in Ec-4o.verse <3
#utmv sans#my art#spot!drawn#ec-4o.verse#it's so funny to me that they meet really early in the timeline#because like???#Reaper technically saves Dust's life and sets him on the path to finding the base that the main story is set in#back then they only knew eachother for two days and Reaper was off again. they had no idea how important their meeting was#not only for the plot of the story but for eachother too lmao#but yeah. Dust never actually manages to fire a shot at Reaper (thank god) but this doodle was too good to pass up#might refine it later lol#ec-4o!reaper#ec-4o!dust#this was extremely low-effort#I'm so tired today#hehe#oh and#dustedafterdeath#technically it's implied and only 2-of-3 are present but uhhhh#I could it because this was step one of the master plan >:)#count*
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#tko_art#hahah wrong eye shape#hers is more droopy and less awakey#wow colors suck#really hard#but i've noticed it doesn't feel like my brain is going to explode everytime I try to determine color and values#i kind of got too tired and wanted to giv eup so no tear drop#which made me sad because i did want to try that#but back hurts#gotta go to bed to fight god tomorrow/today#i love rendering skin tones#they're so much fun#lovely love#I have accidentally locked in#suddenly every single moment of time that i'm not spending to do art is unappealing and so damaging#i'm psyching myself out of doing things I know will give me instant gratification and will make me pretty happy for whattttttttt#it's kinda depressing#If i think about it too hard it's just a constant cycle of oh god this is it for the rest of my life#so no thinking it is!#blegh this seems so silly and trivial#i hope nobody reads this shit#i'd have to kill myself or something#im never gonna stop thinking about how i didnt say i loved you back#and it haunts me#and i cant stop thinking about what u said to me#and even tho u didnt say it harshly i cant stop my mind from running away from me#and theres something horribly wrong with me that i need to gouge out#i hope u never read this#i didnt want to be (x) how fucked up is that#i wish i wasnt like this i wish i didnt have to learn how to live with trauma i wish i was normal
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.
#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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!!
#i learned autism runs in my family today OK...... some things are making sense about me now#the relief i feel coming home. wow!! i have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning too!!!! with a new therapist who takes my insurance#thank you @ my obgyn for coordinating this. literally the best patient care i've ever experienced in my life#i'm so tired lol i went on a hike with my sister this afternoon after waking up at 4am and having panic attacks all morning#so i'm gonna go read leaves of grass until my bf is ready for bed so we can watch love is blind and go to sleep together on facetime :)#and i'll respond to messages and stuff tomorrow! i appreciate all of you so so much! thank you!
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Been a while since I've posted a selfie, things have been good! 💕
#selfie#selfies#I feel like I use selfies to document where I am at different moments of my life hahah#Today my friend and I watched most of over the garden wall because she's never seen it!#We got cute Halloween mugs and drank snoop dogg wine she got me for my birthday lol#The bf is cute and sweet and wonderful we've been playing through cat quest 2#The work friend I work with the most is leaving which is scary because I'll now be solo running some large projects. But I also feel excited#Things are going to be new and exciting and different and I'm along for the ride#I'm so thankful that the weather's begun to cool down! I'm always so tired in the summer but yesterday I got to smell rain on the sidewalk!!
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Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.
#i still cringe to call myself 'poor' bc i have my own apartment and can afford groceries#and even fun stuff like museums and cafe visits and public transport sometimes#but the reality of the matter is that after i pay off my student loans every month#i do not have enough money left to pay the following month's rent#and that's the way it's been my whole life#all my groceries and museum visits and coffee come from those few hundred euros left over#my whole life i've been choosing between 'having savings' and 'having even the smallest most humble life' and obviously i choose the latter#i never go to the movies#i buy all my clothes second hand (got some this past month after not having bought any new clothing in almost two years)#i have visited a museum TWICE this year#i go to restaurants like... once a month max#i am living the most frugal life that i possibly can without denying myself all pleasures#i don't even have netflix or anything like that! i only very rarely order delivery! i cook my own damn meals!#you get the picture#and yet still: one single missed paycheck is enough to potentially fuck up my life seriously#i've never missed a rent payment in my life but i'm scared it may happen this time#just wrote to HR of my former employer (who is supposed to still be paying me through october) to politely ask where my paycheck is#it's probably coming today (i sure as hell hope so) but if it doesn't... i legit don't know how i'm going to pay my rent#my rent is 673 euros and i only have 400 in my bank account#i probably have enough food in my pantry to survive for a month if i had to#but i've never missed rent in germany before (or ever) and i have no idea how long they'd wait before evicting me for non-payment#i'm scared. and i'm tired of being apparently the only fucking person in my social groups who is this poor#i am an over-educated 37-year-old professional who typically gets classed with the 'expats'#but one missed salary payment has me thinking about eviction and affording groceries#this is what i mean when i say i'm an immigrant. not an expat.#those people with their apple watches and co-working spaces and spontaneous trips to thailand or brazil are... a world apart from me#how come everyone i meet is so damn rich? where do i find fellow poor friends?#anyway i'm stressed. and i'm so so tired of spending my mental energy worrying about money#cosmo gyres#personal
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