despairforme

[despairforme]

HIATUS 06/01 - 22/01 !

I'm going to Australia with my s/o! It's been 9 years since the last time I went, so I'm super excited! I'm not going to be online during this time ( might browse the dash a bit, might scroll a bit on twitter ), but I probably won't be answering any messages, and I won't be doing any writing. I also won't be on discord.

Thank you very much for your patience! I hope you have a great time! uvu/

[despairforme]

It was snowing again. How FUCKING DEPRESSING. The dimmed, grey light that made it into his apartment made it seem colder than it really was. Nnoitra had turned up the heaters, so the temperature was high enough for him to not even wear his hoodie. Just a big, baggy t-shirt. The TV was on while Nnoitra tidied up the various take-away boxes that had started piling up. Had he really had THIS many pizzas this week...? Crumbs fell like sprinkles on the floor as he stacked everything by the door. He'd take out the trash when he went outside later - IF he went outside. It was Sunday, and he had the night off ( he didn't have every Sunday off, but today was one of them ).

He opened a box that seemed a little heavier than the others - ah, there were a couple of stale fries left. He stuffed them in his mouth, and chewed the disappointing texture.

The box was dropped down onto the pile, and then he went back to the couch. It creaked against his weight. Nice. The TV was showing some sort of nature documentary. He wasn't interested in the facts, so the volume was way down - but he liked the scenery. The green, the vibrancy. A nice contrast to the fucking shitty weather outside.

He was pretty impressed with himself, that he'd actually bothered to clean today, considering that he was ( once again ) feeling gloomy as fuck. He'd told himself he'd do some cleaning on his day off, so --- GOOD FUCKING JOB.

Time to scroll his phone and see if he could find someone to hook up with. Getting laid would cheer him up.

[despairforme]

/rattles the toby/ mornin' nd i lov eu, i'm so happy ur art skills are growing and i cannae wait for more of your writing to spam my dash like melodolic rain i can just bask in. mwahmwahmwah x

here's a mantis

[ HELLOOOO Tala I had this in my inbox for like a YEAR because seeing the mantis image every time I clicked on my inbox was so great! T - T It was like a decoration for my inbox <5 !! Thank you so much for taking the time to send me this super sweet message! I hope I can keep developing my art this year! uvu// Thank you for your support, it means a lot! Definitely inspires me to post my art on here ( I tend to only post it on insta xD ) --- And YES will definitely try to write more this year! Thank you again and thank you for the beautiful image of the mantis! I'm laughing every time I read "holder uppers" xDDDD Blessed. <5 ]

[despairforme]

me and my big stupid cock... 😞 *kicks a tin can down the street with my head hunched over*

[despairforme]

hi she's back with more plants for him to eat :) might be some bugs there, too.

He IS a carnivore, but --- fuck it, actually he will eat anything. It was the promise ( or, at least the possibility ) of bugs hiding inside the plants that made him chomp away like a fucking lawn mower. This was the perfect way to make Nnoitra eat his vegetables. Also a good way to ( almost ) murder him, should the plants be sprayed with pesticides. He had a severe allergy.

❝ C'mon, where are the bugs? ❞ He mumbled as he chewed on.

[despairforme]

"Ya met Abarai, huh?" Ikkaku thinks Renji probably shouldn't be around the likes of them, honestly. They can only influence him poorly. Given that Renji is actually working towards a college degree.. he might actually make it out of their shitty neighbourhood. Renji is only a couple of years younger, but Ikkaku always kind of hoped he would 'make it' so to speak. Not like him or Nnoitra.. Not involved in shit with Zaraki and the like..

Abarai? Nnoitra was bad with names. Ah --- ! Ikkaku probably meant that redhead, huh? That rude one. The one who had disarmed him by being WAY too fucking civil. Honestly, it was easier if guys would just square up against him so he could beat the shit out of them. Not that he couldn't do that otherwise, but, it just wasn't the same. Didn't feel as good. Not to mention he really should not be getting into random fights. It was a fucking miracle that his violent tendencies hadn't landed his ass in jail yet.

❝ Yeah, I met him. Ya know him? ❞ He had mentioned something about knowing someone bald. So that had been Ikkaku? Made sense. ❝ He was rude as hell but I didn't break his face. Look, I'm turnin' in'ta a good guy. ❞ Sure. SURE HE WAS. He still wasn't sure if he was too keen on going back to the gym. It was probably petty, but he really - really disliked it when people commented on his bodytype. ESPECIALLY at the gym. It had taken him long enough to even show up in the first place, for that exact reason. He didn't want to sound like some insecure bitch, but hey, the whole fucking reason why he went in the first place was because it made him feel good about himself. If that was taken away, then he might as well not fucking go.

[despairforme]

If he mentioned his dick-size around women, there was one reaction that he got more often than others, and that was exactly the one he was getting now. He called it the "feminist" reaction. Women really thought that a guy's dick was made to pleasure women. Which was fucking hilarious. Who the fuck cared about that? He had never understood the guys who said they felt satisfied by pleasing their woman. WHY would that be satisfactory? To Nnoitra, it was borderline demeaning. If the woman he was with happened to have a good time - then yeah, that wasn't a negative thing. But he wasn't going to go out of his way to make her enjoy it. Of course, he wasn't going to go as far as to not have her consent - the fucking LAST thing he needed was an allegation of sexual assault. That would land his ass in jail faster than you could say "fuck". But, he didn't care if the woman didn't get any actual pleasure from the sex. And making her orgasm? That meant nothing to him. Not to mention how much actual work that took. Foreplay, for one, which Nnoitra was usually too impatient to enjoy. Oh, and then most women couldn't even orgasm from penetration only, so he'd have to touch them. Nah. How the hell was he supposed to focus on his OWN pleasure then? That, to Nnoitra, was the whole point of having sex. He was doing it to cum - that's it.

He was pretty surprised to learn she was a lesbian. Just because she had called herself a Christian. Most believers wouldn't be so open about admitting their sexuality, since it was their one-way ticket to hell. He had nothing against lesbians, but of course, he was less interested in a woman if he knew there was 0 chance he could fuck her.

❝ Oh, ya a lesbian? My bad. ❞ No wonder she had such a negative view on dicks then. Because off she went, on a rant on how a dick that couldn't make a woman orgasm was useless. Nnoitra just chuckled. What a stupid bitch. Mah - she was right about him being single. From the sounds of it, she didn't think he had much chance of dating a woman. She might be right about that. He should probably find himself a guy to date.

❝ Why would I give a shit if she gets off? I'm fuckin' her 'ta cum. It's the woman's job 'ta please the man, but I don't expect nothin' from her. She can just lay there 'n I can do the work. I don't need her help 'ta cum. ❞ Yeah, he very much disliked it when women tried to participate much in sex. With guys... It was very different. They were not supposed to be submissive like women.

    As soon as he mentions his dick with that brazen grin of his, the bright rosy hue that had stained her cheeks pretty much vanished within mere seconds, for while she did secretly love herself a gross sleazebag, Nnoitra sounded like the sort of man who overcompensated for his lack of skill with his size; in other words, he probably had no clue where the clitoris even was, let alone be the type to ensure she was well lubricated before penetrating her. Honestly, the idea of him potentially entering her while she was still dry proved to be such a massive turn off, Vivian couldn't help but shudder in both disgust and revulsion.

    "Let me guess. You think size is more important than actual technique or foreplay?" she finds herself questioning while allowing her voice to adapt a more deadpan, sardonic tone. "Because if so, it's truly no wonder you're still single and ready to mingle." Upon shaking her her head, Vivian then crosses one leg over the over, when previously, she had been sitting with her legs spread wide apart. Of course, rather than 'single and ready to mingle', the more apt phrase was probably 'got no bitches', but at the moment, she had no urge to really be that mean to him; therefore, she'll refrain from resorting to insults... for the time being, that is.

    "Bzzzzt, wrong! Unlike you, I've had coochie before," Vivian then corrects him before proceeding to roll her eyes. Granted, she's aware her conclusion was false and Nnoitra might actually have slept with a woman, but considering he assumed she was a virgin, she had no qualms implying he never got a woman to willingly fuck him either. And if he gives her shit for being with the same gender, then she'll call him out on his homophobia and go on a long tangent about how the bible never said anything about homosexuality being a sin in the first place.

    "Not that it really matters, though, since I don't plan on letting you smash anytime soon. But you know what's actually more overrated than virgins? Big penises. I mean, in the event you can't even get her to her cum with it, it might as well be a useless, over-sized accessory dangling between your legs," Vivian goes on to add. Then again, she doubts that what she had to say would have hurt his feelings when Nnoitra's so convinced his dick is such an amazing blessing on God's green earth.

[despairforme]

How WILLINGLY the Shinigami was proceeding. With that stoic, noble appearance, one never would've thought that he was secretly a cock-loving slut. Nnoitra watched him open his mouth, taking the head inside. Thanks to his Hierro, the Shinigami could do anything, and Nnoitra would barely even feel it. Oh, but that was a good look on the other's face.

❝ Let's see if you're any good at this. Looks like ya had plenty 'a practice. ~ ❞ Yeah, with those flushed cheeks and the look he was sending him, it really looked like the guy loved sucking dick.

His cheeks flushed at Nnoitra’s words. The sixth’s captain mumbled something offhandedly in reply as he started to mouth at the espada’s groin, me kissed the clothed appendage before taking off his pants and starting to lick and kiss Nnoi’s cock.

He opened his mouth and took the tip of his cock into his mouth, teasing the tip with his tongue, running it over the slit and looking up at him with flushed cheeks.

[despairforme]

Ugh, what the FUCK was this shit, huh? Why was he suddenly thinking about the past? Sure, it was okay to remember the past, but don't fucking go and wallow in it, like some miserable bitch. He'd already told himself that he had MOVED ON. It was true. He had.

HE HAD MOVED ON OKAY!?

Moved on ages ago, actually. After all, wasn't it HE who had ended things with Grimmjow? Yeah, that's fucking right. So stop comparing everyone to him. Stop thinking that anyone else would be a downgrade. It's not as if Grimmjow had been perfect. Nnoitra tried to remember the reasons why he'd left him.

Then he decided he'd be better off NOT thinking too much about that. Move on. Just move the fuck on already.

[despairforme]

[despairforme]

nnoitra: why do YOU got a date n i dont?? byakuya: because you are literally the worst nnoitra: nnoitra: nnoitra: fact

[despairforme]

Ya gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me.......

[despairforme]

"Do you want to build a snowman?" Emil hummed at Nnoitra. She doubted he would go for that alone, without further prompting. "A huge ass one that only you can move." // you're the sweetheart here, Toby <5

"Do you want to build a snowman?" Ugh. Fucking NO! Playing in the snow? Getting cold? He fucking hated snow. Hated the cold. Hated having his fingers get pink and stiff. Hated feeling the scratch in his throat from the cold air. Yeah, they'd had snow yesterday, and now everything was covered in a decent layer of white. It made everything look so wintery, and made him feel like spring was two hundred fucking thousand days away.

So NO, he did NOT want to fucking build a----

THAT ONLY YOU CAN MOVE.

His "fuck no"-expression changed instantly into a "fuck yes"-expression. Grin wide. Oh, that snowman was going to get enormous! One so big it would make any other snowman look like a fucking pussy as bitch. People were going to wonder if they'd used a machine to lift the snowballs on top of each other.

❝ Hell fuckin' YEAH, let's do it! ❞

/ @post-mortem-lullabies

[despairforme]

Tiny Promo

Do people still do those, or is it thing of 2020? Hands up if you want a silly, yet manipulative fish that will feed your muse homemade cookies thrown at them.

Mains Verse: One Piece; AUs: Modern, Bleach, Pokemon, SciFi

[despairforme]

I KNOW THAT LOOK. Nnoitra wished HE knew that look. Wished he knew himself. He thought he did, but after everything that had happened --- he was lost. His entire existence had ALWAYS been about the end. His goal had always ; ALWAYS been to die. To be cut down, and in his last final few seconds of falling to the ground, he would know that he'd fought as hard as he could. That had been how he'd lived his life.

But, fighting Zaraki Kenpachi had changed something inside him. He remembered oh too well what it had felt like to fight for his life. Not to end it ; but to preserve it. He even remembered fear. Desperation. DESPAIR like nothing he had ever felt before.

A part of him. A small part, but still a part - was afraid of fighting Zaraki again. Yet, he knew that he HAD to fight him again, or he would be a coward, and that was the last thing he wanted. There could be no fate worse than that. It would mean he truly wasn't a warrior.

But he was afraid of the feeling of helplessness that he'd felt when he realized he could not defeat the Shinigami.

And, IF he DID defeat him, then what? What was next? More decades of suffering? The though of that was almost too heavy to bear. In the end, there really was no winning for him. No matter where he turned there was only hopelessness. Then again - THAT WAS HIS CROSS TO CARRY.

He looked at the strange man who spoke so confidently, dismissing Aizen as nothing more than a child.

I can give you everything you want.

He didn't know what he wanted.

But he knew what the only solution was. What the only solution had always been. It was for him to grow STRONGER. To fight harder. To reach higher. If he was being offered more power by this man, why the hell would he turn that down? He had nothing to lose.

❝ Alright. But I ain't takin' charity. Gimme powers I deserve. ❞ Powers that were meant for him.

He cared little for the espada, in truth he had ordered there deaths a long time ago, the fact that there are four of them still alive, despite his forces best efforts, was hardly even a concern, he was impressed, why not reward such arrogance, to deny the death of a superior race gifting it to you, to hold onto what, all of this, Nnoitra only had to look around to see.

The ashes of the kingdom he had once served, have been replaced.

IN THE TWILIGHT OF A FRACTURED WORLD, WHERE SHADOWS LINGERED, AND SILENCE HUNG HEAVY, THE LAST WAR WHISPERED ITS FINAL BREATH.

Now something new stood, once again the king has crawled his way back into the realm of the living, he has awakened from his previous defeat, he was young, he was foolish, he was hungry for his revenge, he had acted before he could even walk, found a people, created a kingdom and watched as his enemies, burned it down and hunted his followers like they were game within the forests, hunting down his people and slaughtering them, that war, was a massacre, but this time, how he knew he would be able to deliver his revenge, a thousand times over onto them all.

ECHOES OF THUNDER, ONCE FIERCE AND RELENTLESS, NOW SOFTENED TO MURMURS, AS DUST SETTLED ON FORGOTTEN FIELDS, AND MEMORIES DISSOLVED LIKE SMOKE.

He slowly walked right towards the one called Nnoitra and would stand there, he was not afraid, if Nnoitra challenged him, Nnoitra would fall to his knees, like all the others.

NO VICTORS EMERGED, ONLY WEARY SOULS, WEAVING TALES OF LOSS

INTO THE FABRIC OF TIME, EACH THREAD A REMINDER OF WHAT WAS, AND WHAT COULD NEVER BE.

“I know that look —--” He had seen it in the eyes of others, different as well, most wanted, a second chance, most wanted power, they wanted speed, they wanted strength, they wanted to become better than they had been, and he gave it to them, a piece of his soul, and how power would grip them, and there greatest wishes would come true, he was not Aizen, he was not calling himself a god, yet. He knew, such a thing was foolish, not until he could stand within that chamber and slay god himself, and take everything that had been denied to him.

IN THE STILLNESS, HEARTS BEAT CAUTIOUSLY, CRADLING THE FRAGILE PROMISE OF PEACE, AS THE SUN ROSE ANEW, CASTING LIGHT ON A SCARRED EARTH, WHERE HOPE DARED TO BLOOM.

“No, there isn’t, you are dirt under all others heels, you always have been.” He spoke softly to him, nothing other than the truth, what Nnoitra was, in the eyes of all others, was a monster. “Aizen was foolish, and Aizen was weak, you knew this anyway.” Destined to fail, it was never about Aizen. “He did what he did, because I wasn’t here.” As he dismissed Aizan, like he was nothing. “Little more than a child, playing with his toys.” A child who overreached and got what he deserved.

“I can give you, everything you want, and the man that had wounded you, I will ensure, he will be yours to fight again.”

[despairforme]

His question, just like it was meant to - brought a light flush to her face. He hadn't expected her to answer so straight-forwardly and quickly though. She went straight for it, and answered yes. Well, granted, he had sort of trapped her, hadn't he? She was too polite to say "no". Still... She hadn't needed to take it that far. Seemed like she really meant it. She thought he could be better looking if he dressed better and took better care of his hair, huh? YEAH, she was probably right about that. Too bad he simply gave 0 fucks about his appearance. And his wardrobe was meant to be comfortable, not stylish.

She was surprisingly passionate about the subject, even going as far as swearing ( he hadn't heard that from her before? ).

Another thing he had never heard before was someone calling him nice and smart. "And everything that" - he wondered what that meant. Honestly, he was pretty stunned by this whole ass confession that he was getting. He could tell she wasn't joking, so it wasn't funny.

He could tell from her expression that she regretted saying all of that, and she proceeded to apologize. She hadn't insulted him, so no need for that. It was all good. Was she embarrassed because she CLEARLY liked him more than he liked her? That was just a temporary problem for her, since once she got to know him better, the image she had of him would shatter. He wasn't nice, and he wasn't smart. Good looking? Mah, if he fit her taste there was nothing he could do to change that. He wasn't going to tell her that she'd change her mind. It was inevitable.

❝ 'S all good. ❞ Unlike her, he wasn't dramatic about this scene. ❝ I ain't gonna complain 'bout this ego boost. ❞ What kind of drama queen would do that? All she'd done was be nice to him ( even if her kindness was misplaced and misguided ). He wondered... What he'd done to make her have this image of him. Instead of telling her that she was wrong about him, he should take advantage of her thinking he was a good guy. ❝ Even if ya be hatin' on my style. ❞ He laughed, tugging at his shabby hoodie, as if he was offended that she didn't like it.

He hoped she hadn't expected him to say; I feel the same about you. Sure, he liked her, but he didn't have that strong feelings. Not to match hers.

Nunnally nodded excitedly: --

“Yes, it needs a trim. Not too much, though.” – she was imagining all different possibilities for styling his hair – “I like it long.” – she finally decided, and then for a short moment she considered to go out of her comfort zone and suggesting Nnoitra to use some conditioner. His hair was, somewhat, dry (but still pretty), but she disregarded this idea. After all, what did she truly know about hair care?

Yes, Nunnally could imagine him in a perfectly crafted suit, in a nice ponytail. Nnoi would fit the rest of guests so well. Why did he think he would not? In her mind, he could look like a navy officer from these old paintings...

And then they discussed his job. Nunnally got really worried about him. She’d seen cage fighting. Or at least she thought she had. One of her former dates had taken her to see one. Assuming she would enjoy gambling (as much as he did). But she hated it. Yet Nunnally was not to tell Nnoitra about her past experinec. He seemed too proud about it. Men! She would never understand them. She had stopped years ago, anyway.

His work embarrassed her. But not because Nnoi did what he did. But because of the implications she didn’t like (though perhaps he wouldn't care about them?).

And then when she openly and naively expressed them to Nnoi, he started to…laugh…and laughed more and more…and more!

When he started, Nunnally at first felt offended. She meant well. She didn’t want to insult him. But as his laughter continued, she didn’t find it in herself to be (remain) annoyed. Her lips involuntary formed a smile, and at some point she even let a few giggles out.

But also this situation made her realize something else. That Nnoitra didn’t see himself as she did. That he was…uncertain of his own appearance?

And yet his last question came as a surprise. Did she find him good-looking? Why was he even asking her about it? If he intended to embarrass her, it was not the right way, though: --

“Yes, I do.” – she said gently; her cheeks dusting pink – “I think you have it all to be good-looking and interesting. You’re just hiding it under these shubby clothes and messy hair. I…” – now she was truly embarrassed that she was lecturing him what he should – or rather should not wear.

“I…I…I can even understand why you don’t want an average look…but damn it Nnoi…” – a curse sounded so artificial on her lips that it again made her want to stop. But she was too agitated and since she had already gone that far – “Yes, Nnoi I do find you good-looking. And nice…”

“…and smart…and…and…”

“…and everything that….”

“…and…and you’ll see…you’ll see what a perfect eye-candy you’d be…when I am done with you…!” – and then her anxiety took over. She stopped. Looked at him in some despair as if she expected him to stand up and leave. Well, if he did, she would understand it. She would deserve it for what she said.

“I…I am sorry, Nnoi. I shouldn’t have. I had not right…” – her voice apologetic; guilt and shame clearly audible in it.

[despairforme]

an unexpected vibe but... what if we kissed under the national geographic?

❝ Hah? Ya mean while watchin' it? ❞ Or is this a pun / joke that's going right over his head? Weird.