zoilathemom-blog

[zoilathemom-blog]

Mother Mag asked me to contribute the story behind Dakota’s name for a piece on unique baby names. This was pretty cool because Zach & me got to really dissect how we came up with the name. He claims he came up with it but I KNOW I had that name picked out before we even met 😆Here’s a little quote from our story but get the full story and some other cool stories from cool mamas via the link above: 

"The name comes from the Lakota Tribe, one of the seven Native American Sioux of the plains and means 'Ally' or 'Friend.' Dakota radiates joy and loves everyone he meets, so we feel like he’s already living up to his name. His nickname, Koda, means 'Little Bear,' which is also just the sweetest thing in the world. People often looked at me sideways when I would tell them my future son’s name, I think mostly because it sounds extremely American and apparently American means white to some. But for me, there is a powerful message in using a Native American name for my mixed son. It is a reminder of the roots of this land and I truly believe our son is the epitome of what is beautiful about this country and it’s reflected in his name.“ 🐻 💕

[zoilathemom-blog]

just let go. you’re ready.

I haven’t blogged in 3 months. Before that, I had only written 6 entries. You see, I had this wild idea that I would be ready, willing and READY to document my journey into motherhood. I wasn’t. How could I really begin to document something that I didn’t even understand. An experience that is by far one of the most transformative things I’ll ever go through?  

Dakota is 6 1/2 months. I can’t even believe time has passed so quickly. It feels like I was pregnant on baecation in Miami just yesterday. That’s the thing about motherhood: it just happens. You don’t even realize how quickly your life is changing because you’re surviving. Well, my head is finally a bit above water so here I am. Writing it out.

Before I gave birth I made a vow to myself that I would try my best to maintain my life and the speed at which I was living through the birth of our son. I was so sure that “I could do it.” I think about that girl now and smile at her. She was sweet and god damn she was naive. Everything has changed. It had to. For me to fully step into my new role as the lifeline to another human being I had to begin to allow myself to unravel a bit. This is part of discovering your inner grit. I think there is so much power in allowing ourselves to leave behind what we know works and truly step into fear, the unknown and in terms of early motherhood, what I would consider complete and utter chaos.

I moved to LA almost 3 years ago and frankly, it’s been hard. I’ve always taken pride in “knowing who I am,” but even before giving birth to Dakota, I began to question myself. Leaving behind everything you’ve ever known for a new frontier is a surefire way to make you figure your shit out. The other way to forcibly get your shit together? Become a parent. The last few months have been a submarine level excursion of self discovery. I’m nowhere near done with my work but I’m knee deep and it feels great. Scary, painful, embarrassing - all that to, but I’m showing up for myself and lieu for my family and it feels great.

The last few months have been spent in deep isolation. 1 part purposeful and 1 part by default because it’s exhausting convincing people that you’re still down to socialize when you have a kid. As a result, I’ve learned to love myself a little more. I have scaled back my work (something I swore I’d never do), said no to clients whose money I could probably really use, faced the music about some flaws I’ve been ignoring, lost some friends and realized that to truly stand in my light I had to get out of my own way. I’ve also gained some amazing new people in my life, discovered what I believe I’m really meant to do and most importantly, spent precious time with my son. I feel full. I feel excited daily. But at times, I’m also afraid and a little sad. I wonder if the woman I was before baby will make a come back. I think that’s OK. I know she’s still there, she’s just leveling up. I’m not mourning the old me as much as I’m discovering and celebrating my new normal which is still very much uncharted territory.

I can’t promise that I will continue to consistently write about this new life I’m living because really? I’m strapped for time these days. But right here, right now, I’m committing to honoring me. Celebrating the little wins. Being soft when I’m unsure of my decisions. Letting light dance through me. Trusting my journey, even when I feel like the universe is punishing me and remembering that nothing is thrown at us that we cannot learn from. This life is a gift and now I am here to learn and teach my lessons to my son. I am confident in my purpose. I know why I am here.

[zoilathemom-blog]

A Memorial Day Staycation

Before moving to LA, like most red blooded Americans, Memorial Day Weekend marked the beginning of Summer. We knew that after that last weekend in May we’d have weekends at Zach’s mom’s place in Westhampton to look forward to until well into September. Weekends filled with long, sun drenched days away from the hustle of the city, lounging at the pool, catching up with family, grilling and thrifting - pretty standard stuff. 

Ever since we moved to LA, MDW has become just another weekend. Mostly due to the Groundhog Day nature of LA weather, but also because we have lacked a proper community in LA. Holidays seem like formalities when it’s just us. But this MDW was different. We have Koda now and becoming parents has created a preemptive nostalgia. We want to create as many memories as we can because time just seems to move quicker when you have kids. 

We didn’t have plans for Memorial Day weekend, we decided we’d stay low key and just relax but I quickly got a bee in my bonnet and decided there was no way we were doing nothing on Koda’s first MDW. It wouldn’t be a booze fueled, pool party like we’re used to but this mama was making something happen. 

I remembered I had a couple free nights thanks to my Hotels.com rewards points so I hopped on the app and looked for a chic but family friendly hotel in Venice or Santa Monica - just a 30 minute drive from our place. I think one of the things I love most about LA is its proximity to desert, beach & mountains. You can really do whatever you want in 2 hours or less. It’s fucking amazing. 

After a quick survey of the app, I found The Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica, just a couple blocks from the beach. Within 10 minutes we were booked for a one day staycation from Sunday - Monday. What drew me to The Huntley was that they provided complimentary cribs and refrigerators - for us breast feeding/pumping mamas, this is clutch. 

The next move was to figure out what we needed to bring. We’d never “traveled” with Koda before and got excited for this trial run before our big trip to NYC next month. We decided on just a couple key items: 

- his Dockatot (Koda has slept in this God sent invention since birth)  

- his Baby Bjorn Bouncer - we wanted to make sure we brought something that would hold him upright and this magical thing folds up flat. Considering we still drive a two-door convertible (no shame), this was a no brainer.

Once we checked in, we had a super relaxing day. Tacos and lounging on the beach was divine. We managed to find joy in between Koda’s multiple meltdowns, I don’t think he liked the wind but he’ll get used to it. He has no choice because the beach is our second home.  After the beach, we enjoyed a delicious dinner at Meat on Ocean Drive which was a little more touristy than we would have preferred but fuck it, we were doing the tourist thing and it was walking distance from our hotel. We then strolled home, watched the drunken fools coming home from Bungalow, climbed in the SUPER cozy Huntley bed and that was that. Koda did wake up a couple times that night and we’ve pretty much had to retrain him to sleep, but I’d say it was worth the little getaway for sure!

Our little staycation was a major success and another step towards us feeling fearless in the pursuit of living a regular life with our son. We both have agreed that while of course we want to make Koda comfy, we also believe in the importance of showing him what living a fulfilling and exciting life looks like. Happy parents, happy baby, right? 

Now I know not everyone has the luxury to just pick up and cruise to the beach for a staycation and frankly this would have been really tough on our pockets a couple years ago. But what you do have the luxury to do is attempt to make yourself happy. The baby will adapt to YOUR life and YOUR speed. Go do that thing you wanted to do - your baby will thank you.

[zoilathemom-blog]

currently: hibiscus tea

Life is all about simple joys. 

I do this thing where I obsess over something for an extended period of time essentially until I never want to see it again. I did this when I was in middle school with avocados. I brought one to lunch everyday for like 3 months. Yes, I know I was WAAAAY ahead of my time in ‘98. I think i owe it to my super crunchy hippie mom - she was tres chic and I didn’t even know it. But anyway, I do this. And right now I’m obsessed with Hibiscus tea otherwise known as Augua de Jamaica in places like Jamaica and Mexico. I bought a bag of semi dried flowers from the farmer’s market at The Grove for $2.50 and I’ve been enjoying fresh tea in EVERYTHING since then. I have it solo, hot or cold. I have it with seltzer. I’ve added it to champagne. I’m even thinking of dying some of Koda’s white swaddles with it a la my girl Sophia Haas.

Anyway, I’ve been really enjoying the tart taste of this magic flower so wanted to share. There are also some major benefits to Hibiscus. According to this article, benefits include its ability to treat high blood pressure, high cholesterol, disturbed digestive and immune system, and inflammatory problems as well. It helps cure liver diseases and reduces the risk of cancer. It can also speed up the metabolism and help in healthy, gradual weight loss. It is rich in vitamin C, minerals, and antioxidants and helps in the treatment of hypertension and anxiety. 

To make it, I’ve just been boiling water and pouring it over a handful of the flowers in my Chemex. I’m sure there’s a more precise way to make it but hey, I’ve got about 2 seconds of extra time and this works for me. 

You should try it. 

[zoilathemom-blog]

stuff i wish i knew

Dakota was not planned. In fact, Zach and me were very much mending ourselves back together when we found out I was pregnant. We intended to have a baby at some point, but Winter 2018 was not penciled into our agenda. When we got the news there was no question. We were doing this, we’d made it 10 years at that point and had survived a 6 month separation, we could handle anything. And let me tell you, we really can handle anything. 

Thank goodness we trusted our path because we are so in love with our little human. Dakota is a blessing, the perfect combination of us both and I am so excited for our life as Dakota’s parents. BUT I’d be a lying fool and a faker if I pretended my pregnancy wasn’t riddled with what ifs, doubts and confusion. Even more so, being a mother is terrifying - I’m constantly wondering if I’m fucking up. And the truth is, I probably am. But also, that’s OK.

My time as a pregnant woman was quite isolating. You see, we moved to LA in November of 2015 and hadn’t quite solidified a community here. I always imagined this time in my life would be filled with family and my best girl friends. It wasn’t. So I did what women do best, I adapted. With constant check-ins on my “Mothers.” chat - a group chat of 3 amazing girlfriends who are moms, advice from my mother and a lot of reading, I made it to motherhood. But that was just the beginning,  there is still so much for me to learn. Motherhood is like getting to the top of a 5 mile high mountain only to find that the peak is still 15 miles up. Or like that scene in Titanic when they discover the iceberg has a side that juts out and the sailor screams “it’s got a head!”  That’s motherhood. Always another step on a constant learning curve. BUT, the reward, the reward is so damn good. The first time Koda smiled a non gas triggered smile? I DIED!!!! Dying just thinking about him. Hold up, now I need to run into his nursery and check that he’s breathing....

OK, back now :) 

So, in the spirit of sisterhood and the belief that real talk is the only talk that should exist, I’ve asked for advice. I asked for advice from some of the most amazing moms I know (please take or leave what you’d like - none of this is fact!). I asked them to share what they wish they had known or anything they feel is relevant for first time moms. This will be an ongoing document that I hope mothers will use and share, far and wide. Being a mom is hard. It is scary. It is also incredibly exciting & fulfilling. It is all the damn things and you don’t have to go through it alone. But if you are feeling alone (been there!!), I am here and so is this mama tribe. 

On Support:

“Find plenty of moms who have been through it already and cry on their shoulders.” - Marti Cuevas; Mama to Martin Carle, 39 and me :)

“My advice is to reach out to other moms, either friends w kids or try to make some. Talking out weird questions or just being able to relate is so key.” -Kristina; Mama to Isabel, 8 Months

“Ask for what you need. Your partner or anyone around you for that matter cannot read your mind. Be vocal and direct.” - Zoila; Mama to Dakota, 3 Months

On Post Partum Bodies:

“I wanted to lose the baby weight right away, in my head, but it wasn’t until my son was 18 months that I felt my post-C-section body was ready and able. Everyone said breast feeding will make the weight drop on it’s own; well not for my P.C.O.S.-ridden reproductive system. My advice to first-time moms is to not succumb to the pressure of obsessing over baby weight loss. Follow your heart, mind and body on your post-partum journey back to your pre-pregnancy jeans.” - Rachel Muniz-Strauss; Mama to Donovan, 3 + one on the way.

On Self-Care:

“Don’t put undue pressure on yourself! We do that so much and it serves no one. You are a fabulous mama.” - Sadye; Mama to Rafi, 2

“New moms should do ONE thing a day. Like if it’s going to the store or a doctors appointment or whatever. One thing! Healing after labor and delivery or a cesarean birth takes time emotionally, physically, and spiritually! Over exertion is no bueno when dealing with a baby and a partner who is also struggling to find his or her place in the new family unit as well as probably recovering from the birth!” - Scotlan; Mama to Clementine, 11 Months

“BREATHE: things are going to get super hectic and really noisy. You will get hit with a poop explosion, loud crying and screaming, dinner burning on the stove, phone ringing, your partner asking "hey did you do the laundry yet?", while you have been holding your pee in for the last 3 hours cause you've been running around the house like a chicken without a head trying to do it all...You start to panic...but DON'T! JUST BREATHE and don't cram it all in at once...this is a recipe for ANXIETY. Yes you are a super hero and a bionic woman but you can't do everything at once. So stop for a minute and breathe, even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes...let the baby cry, let hubby figure it out and BREATHE...in through your nose and out through your mouth and tell yourself "I GOT THIS"..then go out there and conquer each thing one by one with a huge smile on your face... I know it's so simple but trust me it will save you a world of anxiety” - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

ACCEPT HELP. While being a new mom is certainly a sensory awakener, and a super cool and interesting experience that you wanna soak up all to yourself, you MUST accept help, especially from those with some wisdom and experience, and if someone whom you trust offers to watch the baby while you shower or nap, ACCEPT! - Cashley; Mama to Jacob 14, Nicky 11, Sophia 2 

“SLEEP: every mom I have ever received advice from tried to sell me this little bit of information and guess what...I did not buy it! A sleep deprived mama is an unhappy, unhealthy, and uncomfortable mama. When that baby is sleeping, lay your ass down and close your eyes. Being rested allows you to be productive and allows you to be happy and healthy. When you are sleep deprived you make poor food choices (typically lots of sugar to keep you awake) which lead to a poor mood...and when mama is in a bad mood, everyone suffers! So try and sleep...the laundry will wait, the dishes will wait, the dinner will wait, your partner will wait, the whole world will wait for you to wake up!” - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

On “The Way Things Are Done:”

“I would advise not to share with others the name choice for your child. I feel that it should be between you and your partner (if there is one) as you are the parents, and deserve 100% creative control, if I may, in naming your child. I’ve found that when sharing my top name choices, the opinions of others really Jaded me (since when?!) BUT, while I love the names I gave my kids, I wish I had been more private on that aspect.” - Cashley; Mama to Jacob 14, Nicky 11, Sophia 2

“Breastfeeding is INCREDIBLY hard. If it does not come naturally to you, rest easy knowing you are not a mutant who can’t provide for their child. Almost every woman struggles with some aspect of breastfeeding. It doesn’t really start to feel normal until after the 3rd month. Don’t beat yourself up. Also, if you don’t want to breastfeed, that is your choice too and NO ONE has the right to shame you for it.” - Zoila; Mama to Dakota, 3 Months

“Your choice for Feeding source..  I 100%  think should be kept as personal as possible. We all go into this mom thing with an idea of what we want to do, or not, but often times as I now know, things don’t go according to plan with regards to really anything, but especially nursing... lactation issues, latching or lack thereof, allergies, your schedule…. , or formula feeding may just be your personal preference... so regarding nursing vs formula, I found it best to keep mum. Everyone has an opinion, but do what your maternal instinct tells you.” - Cashley; Mama to Jacob 14, Nicky 11, Sophia 2

“Be patient with trial and error. Things that might work for your best friend might not work with your family. Flexibility and letting go of the idea that parenting should “look” a certain way” - Scotlan; Mama to Clementine, 11 Months

“SOMETIME'S LET THE BABY CRY: babies are designed to cry! It actually helps strengthen their vocal chords. I remember with baby # 1 I would be on the toilet while he was napping and I would hear him wake up and cry his little heart out and I would get up without finishing my business; run, trip, fall just to get to him as quickly as possible and help stop him from crying! No need for all that...take care of your shit mama! (NO PUN INTENDED) That baby won't brake. That baby will be fine!  A few extra bouts of crying won't change anything. Yes it sounds painful and you want nothing more than to nurture your baby and protect it...but a little crying is OK...I promise.” - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

Tricks & Products That Save Lives:

“BABY WEARING: is a game changer! I can't begin to tell you how much this practice works. Especially for my super busy super moms who like to multi task...when you wear that baby in an Ergo or a MOBY Wrap (two of my faves), you can do anything you need to around the house, at the store, or outside...that baby is happy to be snuggled up against you, and you're happy that you can knock out a few birds with one stone. Your hands are free to type, clean dishes, make dinner, talk on the phone, fold laundry, speed walk, etc...(all in standing posItion - which is great for your back anyways!) I literally pull a 4 hour work shift out of the house just by wearing my baby. He's happy and I am getting shit done!!! - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

[zoilathemom-blog]

to my son, on mother’s day

Dear Dakota,

I have to tell you something. I always knew I wanted to be a mother but I never knew how much I wanted to be your mother. You. Dakota Jack Darton.

I’ll never forget the moment I saw your eyes. Wide open, they looked like the center of the universe. Your father brought you to me and in that moment I felt larger than life. Like I had just composed a symphony and it was to be debuted to the world.

You are the friend I never knew I needed. While I don’t always know what you’re saying I take comfort in being your comfort.

Our walks and daily talks are so fun and funny. Every time I look at you, you show me something new. The way you scream bloody murder when I change your diaper or smile in amazement when I sing your favorite song. I still can’t believe I made you! Inside of me. You truly are a miracle little man.

I think my favorite moments are when you stir in the night hungry for mamas milk, I am always SO EXHAUSTED but eager to transfer you into our safe space in bed. For those hours between 3 and 6AM when we cuddle close, your dad deep in sleep - I squint my eyes to see your sweet face in the dark and think to myself - I will never be the same me. These moments are fleeting, you’ll never be this age again. I marvel at myself, at the superpowers you have given me. Being your mom gives me extra strength to accomplish my goals. And it is hard! Being your mom and being me. But there is no other way because you deserve to know the real me.

So for the rest of my life, I’ll take you for walks, I’ll rub your head, kiss you too much, sing & dance with you.

[zoilathemom-blog]

#Mamalogues

Being a first time mom is nuts. You experience a plethora of emotions all while taking on a a job you’ve never done before that doesn’t really have a user manual. Imagine trying to put together a rocket ship with absolutely no directions or experience. Multiply that by 30 million and you’ve got the early stages of motherhood. 

I’ve spent the past few months literally trying my best to just keep Koda alive and at the same time just 3 months in and I already feel like he’s growing old 😩Can someone come up with an elixir that keeps babies small longer?! I’m not ready for him to grow!!!

Last month I had the opportunity to be in a video about the special bond moms have with their little ones for SoulPancake. They asked us to write a letter to our babies and it was actually a really helpful exercise in figuring out my feelings. Being the newest mom of the bunch, I honestly couldn’t find the words to answer some of the questions they asked me. Like I said before, this early on, you’re really just trying to keep your baby alive. Of course I know I love him but the first few months are just so hard and scary so articulating our bond left me speechless. Not to mention, we had a crazy first week of Koda’s life which I’ll share later on.

Check out the sweet #Mamalogue video below, make sure to grab some tissues tho because it is a tear jerker! And happy Mother’s Day to all the women who are raising families, you are all my heroes. 

[zoilathemom-blog]

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Growing up in a single parent household can do that to you. A front row view of the hard work my own mother put into providing for my brother and me instilled a want for my own little family at a very young age. I can still remember playing house with my barbies and daydreaming about my future daughter.

On February 7th, 2018 I gave birth to my son Dakota Jack Darton. Ever since my sweet Koda was born I’ve been trying to mentally unpack what my life will be like now that I am a mother. You see, I am a business owner, a wife, a friend and a woman. What will become of me now that I am someone’s mother - a role I have waited my whole life to fill.

I struggled with whether or not to start this blog for fear of judgement. Not so much from others but from myself. I am the queen of overfilling my plate, is it really necessary to add one more thing? Clearly I have more hours in the day now - NOT. Hah! But I decided to just start writing because these moments are fleeting and I want to remember as much as I can. 

So here I am, Zoila The Mom.